My Chariot is Full of Eels
Zipp Storm had become familiar with some of the oddities of life in the new Equestria, but in no set of circumstances was she happier than when she was with her friends.
Unfortunately, today was not one of those days.
Queen Haven had caught her trying to sneak out of a 'princess stuff' session, and as such the (somewhat) rebellious princess found herself the subject of a dull lecture about responsibility. She had largely been focusing on the windows of the palace as her mother droned on and on, and thinking of the world that lay beyond these walls. How she yearned to fly, and for something to happen that would free her from this boredom.
It was whilst looking at the window whilst pretending to listen that she spotted something odd outside. Some sort of rainbow seemed to wash up and over the skies, reaching up into the very edges of the heavens.
This was enough to prompt Zipp to interrupt the lecture. "Mom, did you see that?"
"See what?" Queen Haven asked.
"The blast of rainbow energy outside?" Zipp asked.
Haven shrugged. "No. It is a noise which to cleave the head."
That last line sounded a bit odd. "Sorry, you wouldn't mind repeating that?"
"It is a noise which to cleave the head," Haven replied, as if what she had just said was the most obvious thing in the world. "It must never to laugh of the unhappies, and get the lochsmith. He is valuable his weight's gold."
Zipp was beginning to think either her hearing was on the blink or her mother was legitimately speaking in gibberish. Before she had a chance to speak again, suddenly a pegasus arrived with two guards.
"Ah!" Haven said, looking to the pegasus. "Can you do me a gown?"
The pegasus bowed, his nose touching the floor in the process. "Your Majesty, this time I have a great deal pack."
"What cloth will you do to?" Haven asked him, still unaware of her bizarre speech.
"From a stuff what be of season. From something of duration. I believe to you that."
Haven nodded, seemingly satisfied with this answer. "The rather that be possible. Bring you the gown?"
"Yes, ma'am, there is it. It is so that do one's now, the lining war not sewd."
Haven's next response was even more bizarre than what had come before. "Button me."
Haven also signalled to two members of her serving staff to assist with this task.
"Err, mom, don't you think this is hardly the place to be doing this?" Zipp asked.
"Keep the chestnut of the fire with the cat foot," Haven informed him. "Make haste, lighted the fire and dress-me. Give me the bodice."
The tailor helped to secure it into position. "There is it ma'am."
Haven shuddered. "Is it no hot! It is too cold yet; It pinches me too much upon stomack."
"The sleeves have not them great deal wideness? If you like, I will hot it."
Haven snorted. "No, no, bring me the frame for skirting."
The tailor looked at the frame in surprise, noticing a problem with the metalwork. "Its are make holes."
Haven seemed to be rather indifferent to this. "Make its a point, or make to mend them. There is a clean, sir." She then spotted another servant passing by. "Have you wexed my horseshoes?"
"I go wex its now," the servant replied.
Haven sighed. "It must that I may wash my hooves, the mouth and my face."
The conversation was, mercifully, interrupted by the arrival of a new group. "Zephyrina?" Haven called. "Go to accompany they gentleponies, do they see the town."
Zipp would normally have protested this use of her full name, but she was so eager to escape from this madness that she let it slide. "Good morning. Where would you like to go?"
"We won't to see all that is it remarkable here."
"This should be a short tour, then," Zipp thought. "Come with me, if you please. I shall not forget nothing what can to merit your attention."
She froze inside when she heard that. Had she just spoken in gobbledegook? "I do apologise. I mean I shall show you what you want to see. Let us take a sky chariot to look about."
Finding an available sky chariot proved to be simple enough, as there was usually a good number positioned outside the Palace. The palace was a popular place for tourists to go in the hope of catching a glimpse of the Royal Family. Zipp's followers, however, seemed to have other priorites.
"Admire this master piece art deco architecture's!" said one of the visitors, pointing at the palace.
One of his fellows hurried him along. "Have you already arrested a coach?" he asked Zipp. "It is not spoken that."
"Yes, sir, and very cheap," Zipp replied, before internally hitting herself. She had done it again! "I do apologise," she said, as she showed them onboard the sky chariot. It had been a little while since she had flown one of these things, so a quick look at the instructions would help greatly.
She took the handbook out of its compartment and flipped open the first section.
"For to start the chariot?" she asked. She looked down through the text. Her muzzle scrunched up in confusion as she read the instructions for starting the chariot, as they were about as comprehensible as anything she had heard up to that point.
Which is to say not at all.
"For making the carriage walking at the first speed, take back the drag of the rear engine backward crowbar of the right, and take completely and progressively back the crowbar of embrayage to you, while you keep the direction of the crowbar to the reverse of the travel. Hurl the mover, until his starting."
Zipp blinked. "I have no idea what any of that means."
She moved a couple of levers to experiment, and at last the engine roared into life. Now it was obvious from here, and Zipp and her passengers set off into the skies.
The sky chariot buzzed gently through the air, with the city opening up below them and the stunning vistas flowing before them. Zephyr Heights truly was a marvel of aerial engineering, and the centre of the city never ceased to take Zipp's breath away.
One of the passengers did not share the sentiment about the machine. "The noise run that is by to have given a box on the ear to a of them," he grumbled.
One of the others was utterly caught up by the terrain, and pointed to a building. "Here we are near to cathedral; will you come in there?"
Zipp looked back, not aware of this being on her itenerary. "We will first to see him in outside, after we shall go in there for to look the interior."
She put her hoof over her mouth. Her speech was continuing to get worse.
One of the others moved forward into the driving cabin. "Let us prick."
"Pardon?" Zipp asked.
"Let us prick," she repeated. "Go us more fast. Never I was seen a so much bad beast; she will not nor to bring forward neither put back."
"Ahh! You want us to fly faster!" Zipp said. She then looked back to the manual she had, which was still as incomprehensible as ever. "For taking the second speed, push rapidly at the crowbar forward, without brutality. When it is raised up again, IT GAINS ALL ITS STRENGTH!"
She slid one of the levers forward, and the sky chariot began to fly considerably faster. "Now we're in business."
"Sook here if I knew to tame hix."
Mercifully, this conversation was interrupted by another question. "What is this palace how I see yonder?"
"Oh, that's the Senate," Zipp explained. "It much of the big."
"Mrs Princess, I am for the big," said the pony. "And this tower here at this side?"
"That's the observatory. That was there when Zephyr Heights was built. We're not sure what that's for."
The pony at the front with her glanced forward to a large structure connecting two bits of the city together. "The bridge is very fine, it have ten arches, and is constructed of free stone."
"There is it also hospitals here?"
"It not fail them. Never have I to visit a sick," said one of them.
"What are then the edifices the worthiest to have seen?" said the first.
Zipp had to come up with something, and fast, and pray it wasn't gobbledegook that came out of her mouth. "It is the arsnehal, the spectacle's hall, the Cusiomhouse, and the Purse. We are going too see the others monuments such that the public pawnbroker's office, the plants garden's, the money office's, the library."
There was a yawn. "That it shall be for another day; we are tired. Where can we to eat the meal? This wood is fill of thief's."
"That made no sense whatsoever," Zipp thought. "Well, I can think of a few places."
"I do witness the craft approaching! For to complete the stop!"
Zipp glanced forward and saw another craft flying towards her. "Oh horseapples." She grabbed the book again and consulted the next entry. "For making the carriage completely stopped, when it goes at fifteen kilometres an hour, take abruptly the crowbar of embrayage... when you are in first speed-"
"Your Highness, avoid the for to burn brains!"
Zipp simply grabbed the lever and tilted the craft to the left, narrowly avoiding a head on collision with the oncoming craft. She wiped her forehead. "That was close."
After a considerably smoother landing, the crew stumbled into a nearby tavern. "The actual-liking of the public is depraved they does not read who for to amuse one's self ant but to instruct one's." Zipp said this breathlessly, not sure what else to say.
One of the visitors looked about. "One's find-modest the young colts rarely. All trees have very deal bear." The group took a seat as a waiter approached.
"Gentleponies, what you will have?" he asked.
"Cut some bread; here is it, I don't know that boiled meat is good. Give us a pigeon couple, a piece of ham and a salad."
"Your Highness, will you have some beans?" the waiter asked Zipp.
"Alas to the no, they produce too much of the problem," she said, her speech now completely incoherent.
"Let us take patience!" declared one of her companions. "Still some o'clock, and we shall be in the end of our voyage." He looked to another waiter. "Peter, uncork a Porto wine bottle. Some pears, and apples, what wilt you?"
Zipp tuned the conversation out as her phone buzzed. It was to tell her that Pipp had started a stream down in Maretime Bay, so naturally she tuned in (with the button labelled 'for to start the viewing').
Sure enough, Pipp was streaming, and also speaking in gibberish. The posts in the stream were discomforting too. Suddenly, she spotted something in the background.
"Hello?"
"Sunny! Take care that you not give me a foot kick's."
"Sorry. But could you ask your followers to post a message in the chat? There's something I want to check."
"Go to send for. Apply you at the study during that you are young. Have you understand that she says?"
It wasn't so much the string of nonsensical replies that followed that concerned Zipp. What was more important was that Sunny was there. Not only that, she was speaking normally. This was their best shot for fixing this problem once and for all!
"Taste us rather that liquor, it is good for the stomach," said a voice, presumably responding to the alcohol from earlier.
Zipp knew she had to leave before things got worse. Excusing herself, she headed for the door and jumped off a bridge, flying through the air towards Maretime Bay. If she could get a message somehow to Sunny, they could return things to normal.
Author's Note
After Ponish as She is Spoke proved to be something of a surprise hit, a sequel only seemed fitting. This time, I draw from the travel sections of the text (which, incidentally, constituted some of Mark Twain's favourite parts of the book), as well as a Top Gear sketch where James May and Jeremy Clarkson struggle with a car manual that's been translated literally.
Don't you worry, guys; this mini-series is far from over.
