I didn't know what time it was but the lack of light made it clear that I had woken up before sunrise. I lay on my bed, curled up around my pillow, on top of the dark blue and grey cloth mound that was the blanket and comforter.

It might have been messy but it was comfortable.

Right now, however, it wasn't comfortable. In fact, the cloth nest was sticky, rough, and it dug into my right side like a rock would, while also messing up my fur in ways that were just so aggravating. I had opened the window in hopes of letting a cool breeze into the bedroom but so far all I got was disgustingly humid and warm air. Tossing and turning in bed didn't do much to help me, especially since my mane just kept getting in my face or getting stuck under me, and I was starting to sweat. Just more things that aggravated me, and the fact that these were little things that were making me feel horrible just made things worse. I felt like I might cry.

On the topic of sleeping, I couldn't actually do it for some reason, even though I was fatigued as though I had run a marathon a few minutes ago. My body was sore-ish, except for my hindquarters which were sore-ish and also had a dull pain in them. Why? No fucking clue. I really felt like I might cry. Like a bitch.

I kept staring into the dark, my glasses still on since I had forgot to take them off before going to sleep. I had considered using the sleep spell Voth had given me but I couldn't remember it, and I didn't want to bother Voth about that, and even if I did bother him, he'd just refuse to tell me since he had decided that the spell was bad for my health.

I doubt I could sleep now with how hot and sweaty and sore I was feeling. To add to my problems, I was starting to feel a bit nauseous and hungry as well. The sound of silence was filling up my ears.

It was getting overwhelming. It was irritating how I was being overwhelmed by just feeling hungry and hot and sweaty. I was getting overwhelmed by how irritated I was. A vicious cycle had arisen and I wanted out.

I wish I had someone, lying next to me and helping make my situation better somehow, maybe by just telling me it'd be alright. I could almost imagine them just hugging me till the problems go away, while saying all sorts of nice things to m–

...

My ears flopped down without any conscious input at the realisation that there was nobody with me. I was alone. The overly self-indulgent thoughts didn't matter as much as me being alone, somehow.

I don't know why but that fact hurt quite a bit. Being hurt by that made me disappointed as well — it was my reality for quite some time meaning I should be used to it by now. Still, knowing that fact hurt, and knowing that it's going to stay that way for the foreseeable future hurt more. I felt like I might actually cry.

I got out of bed. I wanted to be elsewhere — a place that wasn't hot and stuffy, and also had food. Maybe someone– nobody would be awake right now. I was alone. I had only myself to help myself. What a nightmare.

I stumbled around in the darkness for a bit before casting a horn-light. It was a simple spell, just concentrate magic in the horn to make light, but it gave me a headache. I would have just ignored it but something was wrong with me tonight– something was wrong with me all the time, just that tonight was worse for some reason.

Whatever, I just needed to get food. I guess I'm not me when I'm hungry...

That joke didn't improve my mood at all.

I found the light switch quickly enough to relieve my horn of its light-giving duties. Now that I wasn't doing magic, I felt a bit better. My body was still sore and sluggish though. I guessed that some stretching could fix that. And that's what I did. I stretched like a cat, and unlike a cat who felt real good after stretching, I was on the floor almost immediately, clutching my stomach as it pained. I curled up as it continued hurting and I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I didn't care much about that because of how much my abdomen hurt. It was like I was being repeatedly kicked in the balls, only that I had none. No, it was like I was being stabbed and beaten with a bat. It was terrible.

What the fuck was going wrong? Was I dying? I hope so, this pain is unbearable.

After much suffering for what felt like forever, the pain subsided. I was on the floor, curled up and making all sorts of pathetic noises like sniffling and choking back sobs as I tried hard to stop myself from crying hard. Some more, indeterminate amount of time passed and I finally got back up. It was embarrassing to be crying like that and I was angry at myself for that, but I had major concerns that needed to be addressed. Like, how hot it was and how hungry I was. I was sweating like a... ugh, whatever, I was covered in sweat and there were tears on my face and I felt disgusting. I was alone, maybe for the better — It'd be terrible if someone saw me like thi– I think I already do look like that all the time...

Maybe a cool bath would take my mind off all that.

That would have to wait though, my stomach told me by growling at me. I needed food. I was hungry, I don't know how much, but I felt like I could eat a... nevermind, not a horse, they suffered the same fate as neanderthals. Plus, I was craving something... sweet, like chocolate, or cheese maybe. No, not something to eat but just consume, like, I didn't know if I was craving a drink or a solid food, but I was craving something sweet. Hopefully the fridge had what I wanted.

I gingerly made my way to the stairs since my abdomen area still hurt a bit and I didn't want to cause myself a second 'too painful to walk' moment. I think I might stop by the bathroom since I was feeling more and more nauseous as I walked around in the dim yellow lights of my house that made me feel sick. I really wished that I had someone right now – I don't think they'd stay for long, if they somehow were here. I'm just that repulsive. Not even I like me.

I reached the stairs and stood before them, looking down into the darkness. It swirled just beyond the sick light as I stood and rested my body, and it made me think.

I was exhausted from so little exertion. This can't be the same body i used to haul two carts of stuff, or work construction with. I felt terrible for no real reason. Sure, I had just gone through what was probably the most physical pain I've gone through in my life, but I had felt terrible before that as well and I didn't know why.

It was irritating.

Everything was irritating.

The nausea-inducing lights, the oppressive silence, the high temperature, the horrid humidity, the sweat, my uncomfortable fur, my ugly repulsive body, my ravenous hunger, me being alone, my everything. I hated being myself, I wish I was someone else. Someone without all these dumb problems. Someone who was better. Better looking with better adaptation to the horrendous climate, someone less hungry, someone with someone to love them, someone who...

Who could appreciate what they had instead of being a bitch.

I felt like my heart was compressed, but then, I kinda deserved that. I had a house, a bed, and the luxury of having cravings of all things. There's many people who don't have any of that. I should be grateful for what I have and quit bitching about what I didn't have, though I'd definitely like the ability to get over myself, or the ability to not desire things I can't get or become.

My stomach growled at me again, uncaring about anything but its own needs. I wished I could punch it and tell it to shut up and die.

I started making my way downstairs, taking my time since I didn't want to trip and fall and also because of how sluggish my body still was.

Halfway down the stairs, I was forced to stop to let my pathetic body rest. I was taking in deep breaths as my heart pounded in my chest and my muscles begged me to sit down or something. And to think that I thought about getting buff earlier; my body would die on the path to the gym. I'll probably have to do something about that.

I continued down the stairs once my legs stopped burning from effort. I almost considered just walking around in the dark instead of spending more time in more sickening dim yellow lights but my head still hurt too much for me to cast a spell, meaning that I had to spend more time in the light.

I successfully ignored my nausea as I walked into the kitchen, where my hungry overpowered all the grossness and nausea I was feeling. I went straight for the fridge but I didn't immediately start going through what I had. The cold air of the fridge simply felt too good and I sat there in front of the open fridge, appreciating the cold.

I could have sat there for longer but my stomach had had enough of waiting around. I forced my arms to move and start moving the stuff in the fridge around as my stomach sent the all too familiar feeling of hunger to me.

I... didn't have a whole lot of stuff in the fridge besides basic food items. There was bread, sliced cheese, vegetables, milk, and the bar of chocolate I had recieved from Pinkie at the fashion show a few hours back. Nothing sweet to satisfy my cravings besides the woefully small chocolate. Still, my hunger remained and so did the craving.

I pulled out the bread, the cheese, a half-empty jug of milk, and the chocolate. I might not be able to satisfy my cravings but I'd satisfy my hunger at the very least.

I took two slices of bread and put in a slice of cheese in between and I didn't even cook it on the stove — I just ate it. It might have been cold, which made it feel weird when I bit down on it, but it was food. I ate the entire cheese sandwich in three bites like a gluttonous beast.

I made myself another sandwich, which befell the same fate. And another one. And another.

The more I ate, the hungrier I became, making me eat more. I definitely looked like some kind of freak right now– I looked like one all the time, but I couldn't care much right now. The bread tasted so fucking good.

I ate seven of the sandwiches before I stopped myself to get some drink to wash it all down. I took out a glass from one of the cupboards and filled it with the cold milk. I'd heat it up but i didn't have a microwave to do that quickly, and I didn't have the patience to put it on the stove, especially since I felt like milk might actually be what I was craving. Not plain milk, of course. I pulled out the sugar jar from the ingredients cupboard and pick out two spoons of it with my magic before dropping it into the glass.

I mix it with a spoon and voila, I have milk that tastes good.

Like anyone else would, I immediately took a big gulp of it, finishing the entire thing in about ten seconds. However, there was a problem.

I had felt hair in it. I don't know if that was my imagination or not, but the fact was that my tongue had felt something in the milk. All the nausea had come back to me, and it was stronger than before. All the nice food I had eaten suddenly felt revolting. I felt like I was gonna throw up.

No, no, everything was alright, I just needed water. I moved to the sink as such as I could.

My stomach twisted, and I got that feeling in my throat that you get before stuff starts coming back up.

I didn't even put the glass under the tap, I just went ahead and drank from it directly. It didn't help all that much. In fact, it made me feel bloated and that made my body feel more like it was gonna throw up. I tried breathing through my mouth instead of my nose. That worked... up until a random intrusive thought came, telling me that it'd look disgusting if I threw up.

Stuff started coming back up after that thought.

It was inevitable.

I'm pretty sure I broke some record with how fast I ran to the bathroom but I couldn't care about that as I emptied out everything I had eaten and drunk in the last few minutes out into the toilet. It was disgusting white slop, and just the sight of it made me retch some more. Nothing came up the second time since there was nothing left in me, but it did make my throat and stomach hurt and my eyes wet with tears.

I was left lying on the tiled floor, dry-heaving for a bit while tears streamed out from my eyes. I tried to stop all that but it only made my head hurt. I was disgusting right now.

All that running and throwing up had its effects on me, like coughing so hard it felt like I was gonna throw up again and that I needed my inhaler, my legs aching as if they had carried the weight of the world, my chest hurting as my heart and lungs recovered from the sudden exertion, but the worst of them all was the abdominal pain coming back.

Now, I was on the floor with vomit on my mouth, and immobilising pain in my entire torso. Needless to say, I cried. I hated this body. I hated how useless it was. I hated how ugly it was. I hated that I couldn't work with it. I hated that I couldn't get used to it. I hated how I was stuck with it. I hated how I was crying. I hated myself more than anything in the world at that moment.

Ultimately, the hate didn't stay long. What stayed was the sadness and misery of being who I am — a disgusting, ugly thing.

I wished, more than anything, that someone came and helped me out.

But why would they? I could see that I was terrible in all aspects, why wouldn't they?

That repeated realisation only made me cry more. I wished the pain went away. I wished I had someone. I wished I was someone else. If not, I wished I was dead.

I don't know how long I spent crying on the bathroom floor but I eventually stopped. It wasn't through any self-control or anything, it was just too tiring to keep crying, and I had all sorts of fluids on me which I wanted to get rid of.

I got up once my abdominal pain subsided enough and flushed the toilet first, sending away all the puke. I moved onto the sink, taking off my glasses before I got to work cleaning off my matted facial fur. I did so silently, ashamed at myself for crying so much. I could accept it if it was only because of the pain but it was for a lot of trivial garbage reasons as well. I'm supposed to be strong, not crying like a little girl because I threw up of all things.

I paused at that. The only sound was that of the tap water coming down on my front hooves.

I was a girl, or a mare, I guess. This should be alright, right? No, it was not. I might be female but I was grown up and weakness was inexcusable. I stared down at the sink, watching the water get wasted as I stood there trying to accept that answer. I looked back up at the mirror, making out my blurry face. I don't know what I was looking for in it but I stared at it for a long time. It was weird seeing a pony so sad, until I remembered it was me in the mirror and not some pony.

I looked back down and finished cleaning my face. The truth I had given myself didn't sink in for some reason, and I still felt sad. And alone. Both of those were my fault. I put on my glasses and stared at my face in the mirror once again. I looked miserable. Deep down, I knew that it was my fault I felt that way. How could it not be? I'm literally all by myself and I still managed to ruin things.

I turned off the tap and turned to go to the tub. I got in and turned on the shower, not caring about how uncomfortably cold it was. Why was I whining about that? I had literally been crying because it was "too hot".

I lied down in the tub, letting the cold water run over me. I couldn't care that I had walked into the shower with glasses on, or that it was "too cold" according to my body. I was tired and hungry and I wanted a hug. I could fix none of that. At least the water was taking my mind off the dull pain in my hindquarters and getting rid of all the sweat. Unfortunately, my mind just cannot stay empty and it just had to think about some stupid shit.

Unfortunately, the stupid shit was me. More specifically, my face in the mirror. It kept coming back to me because... I don't know, it just did. Maybe because of how ugly it looked. Probably that for sure, I mean, someone at the fashion show yesterday saw that and pointed out out... a lot of people might have.

I sat up and looked over myself. Through my water soaked glasses, I could see my wet body, every square centimeter of it, and I could observe it for it was.

...

How could something look so fucking ugly?

Rarity's got to have serious talent if she somehow worked with this garbage and made it look good. I don't think I should go to work. Everyone would see how repulsive I looke– Everyone had already seen me.

My blood ran colder than the shower water. I tried to think about something else, like me being alone, but my mind kept thinking about how I looked, and it made a connection I didn't like.

The people in town don't like me much. They probably talk behind my back about how ugly I looked. Maybe that was why I was alone. They'd see my face and know I'm nothing to be nice to.

No! They– they're– they've got to be better than I think. The problem's with me, not them. Like, I just now decided that my problems are everyone else's fault.

I was a terrible person.

Maybe that's why I'm alone. Ugly on the outside and uglier on the inside.

I held my head in my hooves, trying to make the thoughts stop. They didn't.

Who'd want to be close to me, except those who want to take advantage, like Twilight or Brus–

I screamed out loud in anger as my hooves pressed down my ears against the side of my head to a painful degree, silencing the thoughts. How could I think anything bad about them? They literally went out of their way to help me and were nice to me when I wasn't in return, and here I was, thinking ill of them because of my stupid thoughts.

I didn't deserve them. I'm a terrible friend.

I felt tears form in my eyes. Is this how I was? Taking and not giving?

I'm a terrible person.

I shouldn't leave my house again, if not to spare the world from looking at my ugliness then to at least spare my friends from putting up with me.

My tears were washed away with the shower water. The thoughts came back though, finding some more faults to point out.

What about Voth? He knows just how terrible I am but he still puts up with me—

I lied back down, covering my head with my hooves and trying hard to suppress my tears.

—He gave me one job and I can do it but I've just been wasting time for no good reason. He should have picked someone better and let me die with my world. He didn't deserve to suffer from me–

My thoughts stopped as I felt a familiar presence in my head. It was Voth. I guess I bothered him. I should apologise for bothering him and being useless.

'Voth, I'm sorry,' I said, sniffling a bit as I did. Voth didn't respond immediately like he would. Was he angry at me?

"WHY?" he asked after what felt like a really long while.

'I– I've–' I took a deep breath before answering, 'I've been wasting your time.'

I expected him to agree and get angry. Instead, he said, "YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE IS INFLUENCED YOU ARE NOT HEALTHY RIGHT NOW."

I was confused. Why was he talking about that instead of my performance? How did it even correlate?

Voth probably sensed my confusion as he continued, "YOU ARE BEGINNING TO UNDERGO A STANDARD INFERIOR BIOLOGICAL PROCESS WHICH IS CAUSING YOUR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL STATE TO DEVIATE FROM ITS NORMAL."

'What?' So far, he was just confusing me.

"YOUR BODY IS STARTING TO GO THROUGH A 'PERIOD'," he clarified in simple terms. "YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM 'PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME' AS YOUR DOCTORS CALL IT AND YOU ARE EXPERIENCING MOOD SWINGS AND ABDOMINAL PAIN AS EFFECTS OF IT."

Periods? Don't ponies go through some breeding season thing– no, wait, these ponies don't. They had periods, not those season things.

But still, mood swings? That was it? That was why I felt like shit? No, that was an excuse for me to forget that I'm a terribl–

'Voth, can I fix myself?' I asked impulsively. I wasn't sure if it was the question on my mind but it was the first one that came to me.

I could feel that Voth was confused at that question. "ELABORATE."

'Like, can I make myself... not myself?'

"YOU... DO NOT WISH TO BE YOURSELF?"

'Yeah, I'm... not a good friend, and I'm ugl–'

"YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOT UNDER YOUR CONTROL YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS IS BEING INFLUENCED–"

'By myself! I– I'm just making things worse. I thought that my friends are– are bad and I–'

"YOU REGRETTED THAT THOUGHT MEANING THAT YOU DID NOT MEAN IT."

'But it still came to me.' Once again, I was crying.

Why couldn't he see it? I was just trouble and I wanted something to fix that. He should have something, even just instructions, on how to go about that.

"YOU HAVE MANY COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOURSELF AND THEY ARE NOT VALID," he declared. I didn't really believe him. "YOU DO NOT BECOME A 'BAD FRIEND' BECAUSE OF A SINGULAR INTRUSIVE THOUGHT WHICH YOU REGRET AND YOU ARE NOT UGLY AS YOU SAY EITHER

YOU ARE SIMPLY SUFFERING FROM YOUR INFERIOR BIOLOGY AND REQUIRE ASSISTANCE."

I didn't say much to him. He couldn't see what I was saying and was chalking it all up to mood swings. It was irritating– but he was the only one here with me, trying to help, and I was being bad as a response. I had literally wanted someone to be with me and now that someone was here, I still wasn't happy. I didn't deserve help, or company.

'You can go,' I said to Voth. I didn't recieve a response.

I got back up and turned off the shower. I didn't have a towel nearby but that was alright, I could shake myself dry like a dog. A bitch.

I left the bathroom and instead of heading upstairs to get a towel to dry off my tail and mane, I went into the living room. I opened the backdoor, and stepped outside. The air outside was hot and humid, but it wasn't sitting in one place like the air inside. I lied down on the deck and just curled up. The only sound was that of bugs and leaves in the breeze.

'You're still here?'

"YES."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the familiar eye-covered alicorn manifestation of Voth come outside of my house. He made no noise as he walked, and I did not feel him as he lied down next to me and draped a wing over me. We stayed in silence for a while.

"IF IT IS ANY CONSOLATION YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN FACING SUCH BIOLOGICAL PROCESSES MOST GRIFFON AND DRAGON FEMALES FACE THESE AS WELL."

It wasn't any consolation. Sure, having a griffon grandfather made my period bad and gave me "mood swings" but that didn't change the fact that I looked ugly and was a terrible person. And knowing that other people go through what I'm going through physically just made me feel sad for them.

'How does that help?' I asked him.

"DUE TO A LARGE DEMAND THERE ARE MEDICINE WHICH YOU CAN USE TO REDUCE THE EFFECTS OF YOUR PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME," he explained. I guess that is some consolation; I won't have more abdominal pain at least. If have to go and get stuff medicine though and that involved going out. Outside where people were going to look at me and thank their god for not making them look like me.

'It still doesn't change that I'm ugly and bad,' I said to him.

"AGAIN YOU ARE NEITHER IF YOU WERE 'BAD' YOU WOULD NOT CARE ABOUT IT AS MUCH AS YOU DO AND YOU ARE NOT UGLY BY ANY INFERIOR CONVENTIONAL STANDARDS."

'But I am– I have a bad colour scheme, and my face is messed up. There's nobody else that looks like that–'

"INCORRECT THERE ARE SEVERAL PONIES WHO ARE UGLY BY YOUR DEFINITION."

'They aren't ugly– That would be mean to them...'

"THEREFORE YOU ARE BEING UNFAIRLY HARSH TO YOURSELF."

'No, it's just... different.'

"IT IS NOT."

'You're just saying that to make me happy.'

Voth stayed silent at that, pausing our argument for a bit. He might have been an eldritch god but he couldn't understand my situation, which I guess is alright. My situation is just that dumb.

"IT IS MY DUTY AS YOUR MASTER TO KEEP YOU SATISFIED WHILE YOU DO YOUR JOB WHICH YOU HAVE DONE WITH APPRECIABLE SPEED."

'I still haven't got your thing though...'

"YOU HAVE DONE BETTER THAN MY PREVIOUS WORKER."

I raised an eyebrow at that. He had someone else before me? Obviously, why would I be anyone's first pick?

"SHE WAS ON THE JOB FOR THREE LIFETIMES SPANNING OVER ONE HUNDRED FIFTY YEARS IN YOUR TIME."

'And she didn't get the key in that much time?' I guess there really were people worse than me. Big multiverse, I suppose. Still doesn't excuse my uselessness.

"NO SHE MADE A DEAL WITH A RIVAL AND BETRAYED ME IN SECRET AND USED THE THREE LIFETIMES TO GATHER ENOUGH POWER TO FIGHT ME ABOUT FIFTEEN YEARS AGO IN YOUR TIME I HAD TO PUT HER DOWN YOU ARE FAR MORE TRUSTWORTHY AND USEFUL THAN HER."

I still wasn't convinced, but I didn't feel as bad as I did earlier. I guess that was something to be happy about, even though that was hard to do.

"THOUGH IF YOU WANT TO ACQUIRE THE KEY AS SOON AS YOU CAN YOU CAN TRY AND MAKE A CREATURE TO DO IT FOR YOU."

I'm pretty sure he was giving me something else to think about and I was more than happy to do that. It was definitely a good idea since I wouldn't have to go to the ruins by myself but there was the problem of training the creature I make. Mainly, making it smart enough to identify and bring back the key while avoiding any dangers, unless I figured out how to remote control it... I think I'll figure that problem out later. I couldn't concentrate on it deeply since I was fatigued and hungry.

"BUT BESIDES THAT I AM CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR ABILITY TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF."

I turned my head to look at his face. What was he suggesting by that? That I couldn't take care of myself at all?

My irritation died and was replaced with shame when I remembered that I was literally crying like a baby for help earlier. Plus, he's rarely ever wrong.

"YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SHOW YOURSELF KINDNESS LEST YOU CAUSE YOURSELF HARM BY TRYING TO MEET IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS THAT YOU SET FOR YOURSELF ONLY

WE WILL EVENTUALLY GO OUR SEPERATE WAYS AND I DO NOT WISH FOR YOU TO BE DISADVANTAGED WHEN THAT HAPPENS."

'Why do you care so much about that? You could just leave me like that when I've got you your thing.'

He started at me, making me question why I said that. Was he going to do what I s– He would never. I looked down at the floor, ashamed at my anxious thoughts.

"I CAN DO THAT BUT ENGAGING ONLY IN A BUSINESS SENSE LED TO MY FAILURE WITH MY PREVIOUS WORKER

I CANNOT AND DO NOT WANT TO MAKE THE MISTAKE OF PUTTING YOU THROUGH THAT TREATMENT BECAUSE IT IS UNFAIR TO YOU AND A POTENTIAL LIABILITY TO ME," he explained to me, really emphasising how he didn't want to be mean to me and cared how I felt. It was... nice having such a nice boss.

He started getting up all of a sudden, making me reach out to him to stop him from leaving. While I made a fool of myself by being so needy and also because I couldn't actually touch him, I did manage to stop him.

'Could you... stay?' I asked, avoiding eye contact as I did.

"I WILL KEEP YOU COMPANY FOR SOME MORE TIME IF YOU WISH."

I somehow smiled a bit. At least I won't be alone for a while.

My stomach grumbled, reminding me that I needed to eat.

I got up, phasing through Voth. My hindquarters twinged with pain, making me scared for a moment. Thankfully, the abdominal pain didn't come back like I feared it would. I wanted some food first. Let's hope I don't throw up again.

Author's Note

16w Au ~0400

This chapter was kinda hard to write since I had to do some research across the internetwork and use the information on anatomy (that I could get) properly on Anya and while I definitely could have just avoided it, I didn't. (i don't know why. i apologise if you got this far)

Also, thanks for the ideas for the folk horrors. They'll be relevant later. it might take a while for the next chapter to come out though since I have to cook on another two stories.

I actually scream-shouted "Let's fucking joeee!!!!"(from the meme) when I saw that the story had achieved a 7:1 ratio last night after a long time (a 84 to 12 as of 2024 July 13 23:59). And I guess I did the same thing when I got 10 likes, and 11, and basically everytime I got a like, I did the whole "Let's fucking joe!" thing. Pretty funny, right?