The Life of Illusionby GoldstarChapters1: Settling In2: Chaos Theory3: It’s Pinkie Time1: Settling InNext stop, Ponyville. What better place to settle down then where random shit goes down and the most special ponies in all Equestria live. It’s been quite some time since I’ve done what I wanted to do, so I guess hardly any pony will know me and I’ll just blend into the background. That’s the plan, at least when I’m not trying to draw attention to myself. Maybe I won’t enter town at a time where ponies are fighting over a doll or Parasprites eat half the town only for it to be good as new days later. Rather then take a train, I did some long distance walking. Ah, hello there, you, yes, you reading this. You may be wondering who I am. Are you sure you want to know? My story isn’t for the faint of heart. Alright, that’s probably a yes, since you’re here, so lemme keep your attention before I lose it. You’ll be finding all so much about me very soon. Meanwhile to help you visualize me, I’m a gray unicorn, with a black and white wavy mane and tail, and blue eyes, which is also the color of my magic. My cutie mark is a white impossible triangle with a black outline so it’s visible on my gray coat. It’s nighttime, perfect for me to settle in when most of the ponies are sleeping, especially her, Pinkie Pie. I know she’s coming and she’s going to put the spotlight on me. Well, I am prepared for this. Have at me! Err... not like that, not in an aggressive way. I’ll just wave at any nearby ponies and keep a low profile, as much as you can in a small town at night, so easy enough. Here I am, in a rather simple house, but it’s all to myself. And I can take off this dress and face veil. I’m keeping my window curtains closed so hopefully nopony peaks inside. I really value my privacy and lots of personal space, neither I’ll get from Pinkie. But once I survive Pinkie, things should go mostly smooth sailing. Although ultimately, I am here to meet the Mane Six, because I think they’ll be among the most useful toward helping me with a very odd problem. You probably already know what that is if you’re here, but if not, well, you’ll know very soon. And yes, I am in fact calling it a problem, at least for myself. Anyway, bedtime. I wonder if Princess Luna will ever meet me in my dreams. That’s both exciting and scary, the former because she could maybe help me and the latter that a princess would know about me. I doubt she’s been around modern Equestria enough to be as hopefully progressive as her sister. Now it’s bright and early in the morning but not that early. I’m not a farmer or animal caretaker, so I rather sleep in some. In fact, I got much of the day to myself till sometime after the kids are out of school. I took work off today, but tomorrow I’m transferring to my new work location in Ponyville. Pinkie is going to be too busy teaching at the School of Friendship to notice a random pony she hasn’t met yet. How do they even do their day jobs and teaching at the same time? Busy, busy ponies. I guess they really are just that special, Elements of Harmony and all, including a princess. This is the last of my bulky dresses that hasn’t wore out yet. Surely Rarity would help me once I’ve explained my situation to her. But would she be okay with what... who I am? She should be, but creatures tend to dislike, fear, or even hate what they don’t understand. But then wasn’t the whole point of all the different creatures coming together was to finally overcome our prejudices? Those statues of Queen Chrysalis, Lord Tirek, and Cozy Glow must count for something. Well, at the very least, Pinkie shouldn’t be negative towards me because of this aspect about me. Then again, she’s a once in a lifetime pony. I should be able to put on a show at the inevitable party she’s going to throw for me later. Okay, now it’s time for stuff to start happening. It’s afternoon, schools are over, and it’s only a matter of time before Pinkie notices me. But how soon... “Hello! You must be new in town because I never met you before.” I nod to her. Can’t I finish a thought in my head first? I’m close enough to smell her breath, which is like baked goods. I thought candy would be it, but close enough. Also, personal space! I would say something, but not out in public where I risk others hearing. I could perhaps get Pinkie for one-on-one time, talk to her more about myself, but I’m going to need a lot of energy for the party that’s to come. I shake her hoof. “What is your name, new friend?” Well, Pinkie is pretty much a free friend unless I really screw things up. I use my unicorn magic to start spelling out letters made from... magical display stuff that only lasts a moment. ‘Illusion’ is what I spell out. “Nice. Any who, I’ve got a party to plan, so have fun!” And she bounces into a bush that I do not see her come out. Okay then, even when you expect it, it’s still jarring. Not that I didn’t believe other ponies saying how random she is but seeing it for the first time is an experience. I almost shout out to her to wait, but then my voice would blow my cover. I just nervously wave at other ponies who are nearby, not saying a word. I really hope she isn’t planning the party at my house. Ah shit... she probably is. I wonder if I can convince her to throw it at Sugarcube Corner instead. I could ask one of her best friends, but I’m already going to be dealing with all of them at the party, so let’s maybe not use up all my energy just yet. I could just go inside Sugarcube Corner and ask but screw it. I’ll just write a note and slip it under the door. Later in the evening, it is party time and my chance to properly introduce myself to Ponyville as myself. Well, one half of my identity. Okay, I gotta steel myself, this isn’t new for me. I’ve performed in front of audiences before, in small towns prior to moving to Manehattan. It’s going to be fine, it’s not like I’m in front of the Royal Sisters or whoever... but Twilight is here, and she is a princess, even if she likes to downplay that fact. At least I can enjoy some good junk food, after the party so I can keep my face veil on the whole time. Problem is I can’t afford to get too hooked on this food or I’m going to develop a figure I don’t want. Oh, sure Celestia can eat a seemingly endless amount of cakes without affecting her figure, if the reports are true. Just the many perks of alicorns. Pinkie could probably eat whatever she wants and still have the same figure, but the rest of us are not her. It’s show time. I clap to get every pony’s attention and then start using my magic to write out words. ‘Hello, I’m Illusion’, I write out. ‘And now to show you a performance!’ I use my magic to create ghost like images of ponies to act out slapstick humor like ponies bumping into each other and throwing pies in each other’s faces. At the very least it should amuse most foals except the ones with really high standards. My performance seems to be going well since I don’t notice any unhappy ponies in the audience. At least they haven’t called me a rip off of Trixie’s shows. I mostly use wacky sound effects with my magic. Voices are a bit complex for me, so I avoid those although I wish I were better at that, for my own sake. “Can she speak?” A filly asked. ‘No, I’m mute.’ I write. Well, that could have gone much worse and probably will if the foals know more about me. Great... Applejack seems to be second guessing my answer, but I’ll just keep on going with the show. I focus on more complex illustrations with multiple fake ponies flying together, crashing into each other, and getting into a silly fight with a cloud ball effect. It’s not easy doing this in such a small space, smaller than I’m used to. At least this isn’t in my home since I’m being very selective on who I let in, so good to know the note worked. The party finally ends some time afterward. Well, that took more energy than I’ve expected. I’m starting to feel tired, so I’m not going to be on my A game when interacting with other ponies. The Mane Six are still here, after every pony else left. “You were not entirely truthful about not being able to speak,” Applejack stated. And here we go. ‘It makes for a better show,’ I spell out. “Understood, have a good evening,” she replied. Ah good, off the hook with that. So, who do I talk to first? Pinkie as I’ve explained before, would be accepting, but I just don’t have the energy left to deal with more of her for now. Twilight might go into scientist mode and ask like a billion questions while taking many, many notes. Fluttershy would be a good choice, although I don’t think any animals she has taken care of have will have my condition. Rainbow Dash probably wouldn’t understand and I don’t exactly trust her to understand, loyalty or not. I risk Applejack not understanding either and probably being rather judgmental. Well, everypony will find out sooner or later, but I want to do this on my terms. I guess I could risk Rarity. Yeah, Rarity first, then Fluttershy, and finally, Pinkie. I do hope Rarity has some time. I do want this to be a one on one, without Sweetie Belle involved. I rather deal with her cooking, including burnt juice, than being publicly outed. ‘Rarity, can I get a moment with you?’ I spell out. “Of course, darling. Although I must say, your dress has probably seen much better days. I could easily fix it up.” ‘Yes, back at your home.’ And so, she leads me there as I wave goodbye to her friends, soon to hopefully be my friends. Once inside her home, I don’t see Sweetie Belle around, so maybe she’s already asleep. Oh dammit, the cat is hissing at me! “Opal, please settle down in front of my guest”, Rarity ordered. Opal didn’t stop. “Excuse me.” She then put Opal in a room and locked it up. “Sorry about that. I’ll need to get your measurements and I can fix up what you’re wearing tonight. Tomorrow I could work on a whole new dress.” ‘It’ll be fine for now, I don’t like to take my dress off in front of other ponies.’ I write out. I’m getting rather good at doing this fast. “It’ll be just for a moment, I’ll hardly look. Most ponies here are okay with normally not wearing clothes, but you’re from out of town, so perhaps you’re not. It’s fine.” ‘Thank you! Okay, so please don’t freak out.’ Here it is, the moment I admit to one of the Mane Six about who I really am, well any pony since years ago. I clear my throat. Here we go... come on, just say something. “Please... don’t freak out” I manage to say. Rarity looks shocked for a moment. “Oh dear, you have a very deep voice. Are you ashamed of speaking because of that?” “Yes, but not for entirely the reason you may think. How do I put it? I’m a mare, but not like most mares are. I... wasn’t exactly born a filly. I wear outfits like this to hide my stallion features.” “Ah, so you’re into cross dressing?” “Yes, I mean no, err... maybe? I don’t want to be a stallion. I want to be a mare. There’s a burning desire in my mind that is how I’m meant to be, but I was born the wrong sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a colt or stallion, it’s just not for me. But what to do? I tried looking up spells to help, but unicorns generally have a hard time using magic outside of their specialties. Even if I could use a mare illusion on myself, my horn would always be glowing, not ideal.” “I don’t mean to pry, but I am curious as to how this happened.” “Even I struggle with that. In my early foalhood, I was okay with being a colt, nothing really out of the ordinary there, but then once I hit my teen years, my body went through changes I didn’t like. I tried talking to my parents about it, but they just dismissed this as a phase that I would grow out of. Well, it’s been a decade since and this ‘phase’ is still going. “Once I was out from under my parents’ roof, I did some traveling over the years. One of the places I ended up was Equal Town, back when it was run by Starlight Glimmer. I stayed for some time, but everything just felt off. It was like no pony had any real personality. So, I bounced and got the heck out of dodge before I heard about Starlight going crazy. Thankfully you six reformed her. But even then, I didn’t quite return to Equal Town although it’s probably much better now. I wasn’t even allowed to use my illusion talents because other ponies couldn’t do it, therefore not equal or some crap like that. What a crazy cult, I tell you. Ahem... sorry about that little rant. At least that situation got better, unlike certain ponies. “Anyway, I’ve moved here because you six are here and I think this is the safest environment for me to be my true self. I’m still not ready to come out to the town yet. Hell, I’m still working up the courage to tell the rest of your closest friends. It would be the first time I’ve came out on such a large scale if I go through with it. Twilight seems to be the smartest pony in all of Equestria. Surely, she would know something about sex change magic? And please don’t let it be something that costs thousands upon thousands of bits, I don’t make that kind of income.” Rarity gives me a hug. This feels nice. “Oh, you poor thing. If you want, I could ask Twilight to help you.” “I hope your help doesn’t turn into pity because I don’t need any more of that. I already given myself tons. I try to be funny so I can distract from my awful situation that most ponies wouldn’t understand. It has crossed my mind to just walk into the Everfree Forest and provoke a dangerous creature into killing me. But don’t worry, I’m over that, mostly. I promise I’m not going to try to kill myself, but the thought has crossed my mind at times in the past. I think I want to speak to Twilight myself, tell her exactly how I’m feeling rather than you trying to explain on my behalf. So please, let’s keep this between us for now. I’ll probably bring this up to Fluttershy next and then Pinkie Pie.” “I want you to be happy and comfortable with who you are. I think Ponyville will be accepting since there are mares married to other mares in town.” “That’s... similar, but also not quite the same thing. Sexuality is one thing, my entire being of sex and gender is something else. And even if I do manage to make progress, it’s not like I can go up to a lesbian and be like, ‘hey there, want to make out with my feminine penis?’ Okay that was rather vulgar, but that gets my point across.” “Right... there are mares opened to both stallions and mares.” “That’s probably my best bet for now. Although I should also note there are ponies who will fetishize me for being a mare with something extra. Compared to being hated on, that’s not much better. Anyway...” I take my dress off, exposing my stallion body to Rarity. “Here, get my measures and get this dress fixed. I’ll probably lie down while you do that. I hope you have no late-night visitors planned. I’m still very much living a double life right now, with Illusion not being my legal name, at least not yet.” “Don’t you worry dear. I’ll get you looking like the prettiest stallion around.” “Umm... mare.” “My apologies, I’ll have to get used to ponies like you.” “I hope I didn’t come off rude. I know, deep down, I’m a stallion, like, that’s what my body is. But even deeper down in my heart, I’m a mare. I know there will be ponies and creatures who will see me as a stallion no matter how much I change myself. And how can I argue against them? My biology is male, and I’ll be hard pressed if any magic or science can change that.” “It shouldn’t matter. We’re more than our cells.” “I know, but stallions and mares are built differently. Like how Big Mac is one of the strongest ponies around. Like the only other ponies who could compare are alicorns, I think. I’m taking a nap now, once you have my dress fixed up, I’ll put it on and go back home.” Author's Note Here's where I finally throw my hat in the ring of transgender stories. No, Illusion is not a self insert of me. I'm Goldstar, not Illusion. And here's something you'll rarely see a transgender story be tagged as, comedy. Not because being transgender is light or humorous, but to help break up the usual doom and gloom that such a condition brings, although that will also come up throughout the story. 2: Chaos TheoryRarity gives me back the now fixed up dress and I put it on to head back home. I don’t think any other pony saw me, but I keep the dress on to maintain appearances if they do. Back at home, I get a good look at myself in the mirror. I won’t say that this makes me feel so much happier, but I do like how it’s fixed now, and I’ll look less tacky for future public appearances as myself. Anyway, bedtime. Surely there’s no way that Luna is going to come to me in a dream? I mean, I know she can, but why would she? There’s far more actual problems that ponies are facing, not me with one of the strangest issues ever. I’m probably not even in the top one thousand of ponies that she’ll visit first. And that’s if she’s even doing this anymore at all if she really is going into retirement. It’s morning and time to go to work. Now, I won’t be going out as Illusion. So now is the time for the other half of my identity and double life to come into play, Mirage. I’m going out to work as a stallion since I need to make a living somehow and the shows I do as Illusion are not exactly bringing in the bits I can live on. As for Mirage, well, that’s just basically me going out naked and speaking up normally. Hopefully someday I can get rid of this identity altogether and just be Illusion all the time, with or without a dress. Ideally, I can just go out naked and still look like a mare. Pinkie’s baked goods are probably the best cupcakes and sweets I ever had! I’m certainly getting more of those while I’m living here. Not exactly great breakfast material, but I didn’t feel like eating them last night. What’s my day job, you may or may not be asking? Mailroom sorting. Yeah, not exactly exciting stuff, although I do get to see Derpy Hooves and Gabby at times. I don’t say anything special to them. But otherwise, I’m just skipping over actually talking about what happens at work unless something special happens. It’s early afternoon and time to clock out. So far it seems like being Mirage is separated from being Illusion. Good, good! Later, I plan to talk to Fluttershy about this whole stallion to mare business. But what would be a good time to do so? As I’ve mentioned, they must live very busy lives to teach at the School of Friendship and do their day jobs. I doubt anypony can just freely go up to them and ask for their time. I think that and yet I kinda did that with Rarity when she could have just headed home and went straight to bed. “Hello stranger!” Pinkie greeted, seemingly out of nowhere. What the hell?! “Have we met before? You remind me of another pony I threw a party for last night. Are you her twin brother?” “It’s a long story, but yes, we met before. There’s no need to throw another party.” “We’ve met before? Are you sure?” She’s looking at me like she’s some kind of detective. “Yes, positive. But I really need to get going now... wait. There is something you could help me with. I want to talk to Fluttershy about important stuff.” “Oh, oh, like about an injured pet you may have? Are you trying to date her? Do you have a surprise gift for her?” “No, no, and no. I’ll tell you later when I feel good and ready to.” “Okie Doki Loki!” And then she runs off at a speed that I swear would be a superpower. Oh wait, Pinkie Pie is multiple superpowers. She could probably keep up with Rainbow Dash flying. I am glad I don’t feel dysphoria over my species. Does that happen to ponies? Like does an earth pony ever wish they could fly? That would be an even more awkward conversation to have. ‘Hello, I’m Illusion and not only am I stallion who wants to be a mare, but I also want to become a pegasus. You’ve got anything that changes my biology even more than a sex difference does?’ Well, good thing I’m okay with being an unicorn. And while on that topic, Changlings. I bet they never ever have to worry about gender dysphoria since they can just shapeshift into a mare or stallion. Man, what lucky bastards. Okay, maybe the whole feeding on love thing isn’t, but then that seems to be way easier after they stopped being creepy holey menacing looking bugs. What I would give for Changling magic. Hmm... I could ask a Changling just how that feels, but where would I find one without going all the way out to their kingdom or whatever? Oh right, Ocellus is at the School of Friendship. Wow, I zoned out, just standing out in the open lost in my own thoughts. As I start moving... “Hello again stranger who never told me his name. Fluttershy will be expecting you.” “You can call me Mirage. You probably won’t be seeing a whole lot of me anyway. Thanks for your help, but I gotta run, laters.” Not that I could outrun Pinkie, nor do I think I could hide. She would be so scary if an evil version of her existed. Wait a minute... how do I get to Fluttershy’s house... “Just keep walking in this direction,” Pinkie answered. How did she know? Is she a mind reader? I hope not or that would lead to a lot of situations I rather not happen. But surely, she isn’t or she’ll have gone insane with the amount of negative and sexual thoughts ponies must be having about her. Yeah, mind reading is not what it’s cranked up to be, not that I have personal experience with it. Enough rambling, I’m at Fluttershy’s house. I knock on her door. I already can smell the animals and it’s not a smell I can tolerance for a long time. “I’m coming,” Fluttershy announced. Seconds later she opens the door. “Ah, Pinkie Pie said you were coming, Mr. Mirage sir.” “Yes... although not quite how I would describe myself, but wait, I had Pinkie do it for me. It’s complex and I’m hoping I can explain it all to you.” “Okay, do you want to be called something else?” “Yes, Illusion, the same one from last night’s party. Like I said, I’ll explain.” Once we’re inside, she offers me tea. I accept and I’m sitting on one of her couches. Hey, is that a bunny who looks pissed at me? What is it with critters not liking me so much? Well, none of the other critters are giving me the stink eye. The bunny runs off toward Fluttershy. Oh right, that’s Angel Bunny, who’s name is very ironic. Shit, what is he going to tell her? I’m supposed to be breaking the ice! “Angel, that’s rude! We should be kind to our guest.” Yes, listen to her! If Angel Bunny is this nice, how bad would a Devil Bunny be? Maybe a role reversal and said bunny would be much nicer? Fluttershy brings over the tea. “Thanks for having me as your guest Fluttershy. So, like I was saying, I’m Illusion. In simple terms, I want to have a sex change. I don’t suppose you would know anything about that? Any of your critters ever felt like they should have been born another sex?” It takes several seconds before she answers. “Nope, I never treated any critters like that.” “Oh... well... that’s awkward. But anyway, I moved to Ponyville so I could become friendly with you and the other Elements of Harmony. Not because I have some secret evil plan or something. Perhaps Cozy Glow would be an example of what not to do. I’m not sure if many ponies are ready for a stallion who wants to be a mare.” “You mean transgender?” “Wait, there’s a word for it? That certainly makes it a lot easier to explain things, although I’m not sure if most other ponies also know about that term. Great, I would have to explain it, but that’s the story of my life, explaining things to others, having to justify pretty much my entire existence.” “I don’t know any pony who’s transgender, aside from you I mean. If you don’t mind me asking, what is it like?” “It’s awful. I get to live every single day feeling like my body is wrong. I’m surrounded by mares who are not unhappy to be mares. It’s a matriarchy, not that anything is wrong with that. I am not transitioning as a power play. We probably have mares who transition to stallions, which would be a downgrade in terms of political power. But it’s not about that, it’s about being who we’re really meant to be. I’m not a scientist who’s an expert on the whole topic of sex in regarding how cells and all that stuff works. I just want to be a mare. I don’t want all this drama surrounding the issue. I wish this was something more open and talked about. It would have been easier for me to be a gay stallion than this. I’m glad we have retraceable genitals or I would for sure being wearing something right now.” Let’s pause for a moment. You know what reader? Explaining I’m transgender is probably only the second hardest thing to do in my life. Wanna know what the first would be? The fact I’m communicating to you, although it’s strictly one way. As if ponies won’t think I’m crazy enough for wanting to have a sex change. Telling them they have an audience watching them and that I’m aware of it, but can’t prove it, is going to get me put on anti-crazy pills and even have my entire gender dysphoria dismissed. I mean, if I stated I believed in something as crazy as an actual fourth wall to break, ponies will just dismiss anything unusual about me as crazy. I’m not sure if even Pinkie Pie would believe me and she can clearly manipulate reality in a way that pretty much no other pony can. Let’s just focus on one problem at a time, coming out as transgender. We can deal with questioning my entire reality later. Anyway, back to the story. “I’m so sorry about the pain you’re going through Illusion,” Fluttershy stated, “Any other way I can help?” “Say... there might just be a way. Maybe you can call up Discord? I’m not expecting a God of Chaos to negatively judge me for wanting a sex change.” “Sure, if you really want to. I’m not used to ponies asking to speak to Discord.” Sweet! With all that magic, surely he can do something for me? Let’s be honest viewer, it won’t be this easy. But even I can’t see what’s to come next, so I gotta try my options, right? A few minutes later, I blink and suddenly I’m in some weird dimensional version of Fluttershy’s house. I didn’t even feel like I teleported, I’m just here. Okay, eyes on the prize, I’ve got an audience with Discord, let’s not waste it. “Hello... Discord... so... err... I’m Illusion, and I was wondering if you could... make me into a mare...” Deep breaths. It’s going to be okay, he’s reformed, right? Otherwise Fluttershy and him wouldn’t be so close? “Hello, my little pony,” he said the thing! I mean of course he would. Why do I get excited at hearing the phrase, ‘my little pony’? Anyway... “What an unusual request. I am not a genie, or I’ll never get any peace again.” “I get that... but... I’m kinda out of options here. I’m pretty sure you could make yourself female if you wanted.” “Of course, I can,” and suddenly he transforms into a feminine form. “I can become Eris, if Fluttershy ever turned out to only be into mares.” He’s... she’s... pretty. What the hell pronouns do I use? Surely Discord... Eris... wouldn’t care that much? I doubt a God would be easily offended, but then I heard how he acted one time at the School of Friendship, so I better not take my chances. “Right, could you turn back to Discord?” And she... he... does just that. “Sorry, that just confused me internally. Anyway, you’re a God, surely your magic can turn me into a mare?” “Do you have any idea what that level of chaos magic can do to a pony? It’s not going to go as you expect it to. You might grow extra limbs and probably turn into a creature like me, minus the powers.” Well, shit, I should’ve known chapter two would be too soon to resolve this issue. “Maybe there’s another way? Like a necklace I can wear?” “Same issue. It’s chaos magic. I’m not about to put myself in a position where I possibly doom a pony. You’re going to have to find another way.” “But I’m a fully grown mare who should be able to decide if I take that risk or not.” “You think other ponies will care even if you consent to this? I can’t help you.” “Fine. I guess I had to try. Well, can you bring me back? I don’t think your realm is fit for living by anyone other than you.” And just like that, I’m back with Fluttershy. I explain to her how it went down. “I hope you’re not too depressed over that. I’ve should have known. I’m sorry.” “It’s not your fault. I was the one foolish enough to not consider that a large amount of chaos magic within a pony is probably highly dangerous. Although part of me would have rather died trying, but it likely would have been far worse like living with additional pain and suffering. “Anyway, I want to try talking to Pinkie Pie next. I’m honestly not too sure what to gain out of it other then coming out to more ponies. But thank you for being so supportive of me even if you can’t do more to help right now. Byes.” And I leave her home. No more animal smell at least unless it got on me and I need to shower it off. Anyway, I’m off to Sugercube Corner. As I open the door, Pinkie sees me, defiles gravity for a moment while opening her mouth wide and takes off in a flash. Oh boy, what does that mean? Well, surely it can’t be that she’s against what I’m doing, if she somehow knows. Not like I need to end on a cliffhanger when clearly, she’ll be okay with me. The cliffhanger is for exactly how she’ll react. 3: It’s Pinkie TimeWhere did Pinkie run off to? Surely, she’s somewhere in the store. I’ll just look around... hey, help! She grabbed me and several seconds later, we’re... somewhere. “Oh my gosh, I have so many questions about you!” Pinkie said. And here we go. “Like?” “When did you find out you were transgender? How have other ponies treated you over it? Who are you interested in? Can you...” Hoof in mouth time. Motormouth? Check. “Whoa Pinkie, one question at a time. In fact, I do have a question. How the hell do you know I’m transgender? I didn’t tell you yet.” “Because you just told me.” She replied with a grin. “What the hell?! Then why would you ask?” “Just a hunch.” “You gotta give me better than that.” “My Pinkie Sense kicked in. You and Illusion seemed so similar and then I thought about it a lot and then I decided to follow you to Fluttershy’s house and then I heard you two talking and I even heard Discord at one point although he was in a different dimension.” “You were spying on me?! Don’t you realize how bad that sounds?! I know personal space and privacy with you is questionable, but damn.” “I’m sorry.” She looked a bit sad by this, but at least she hasn’t changed into Pinkamena. “You seemed so unhappy and I wanted to help. I know Fluttershy is doing her best, but I want to help as well.” “I was going to tell you when I felt like it, but whatever, the cat’s out of the bag. Maybe I should have made a Pinkie Promise. So, where are we? I see a bunch of party supplies. Is it like a Pinkie Cave? Did I really just put those two words together?” “It’s my secret basement where I keep all my party supplies at.” “I thought you used hammerspace for that.” “Even I have limits, believe it or.” I almost don’t. Right, I just mentioned hammerspace and she didn’t act like that was unusual. Should I risk still talking to her about my... condition that isn’t being transgender? Oh, who am I kidding? She’ll probably just figure that out on her own as well. Sometimes I wonder if she’s the second smartest pony among the Mane Six. “Back to your questions, I found out during my teenage years that I wanted to be a mare. Pony reactions to me have been... all over the place. Once I’m speaking to the rest of your closest friends, I’ll do a show and tell using my illusion magic. My sexuality? I like mares, go figure. It’s something about lesbianism not being that uncommon due to a lot more mares than stallions existing. But come on, what lesbian is going for me? I barely pass as a mare and I don’t have the equipment that they like.” “We should have a coming out party. ‘I’m a Mare’ party.” “No Pinkie, no! I know you’re all overjoyed and all about this, but I’m still trying to work up the courage to talk to Twilight, Rainbow, and Applejack about this. This party won’t be just all of Ponyville finding out, but instead all of Equestria will know. Wait, who am I kidding? I’m not important enough to be a pony that every pony should know. Not like I’ll suddenly become a celebrity, a life that for sure isn’t for me.” “I don’t want to see you unhappy being Mirage.” She then put a dress on me. It’s a blue dress with gold layers on it. Looks very professionally made. Might as well put this dress on now since Pinkie also seems eager to see. The back makes it look like my flank is quite round. I blush. “Where did this dress come from?” “Rarity made it for you. So, I picked it up from her.” Rarity, you’re so good at this. Of course, I should know that, but witnessing it first hoof is another story. “How did... you know what? Never mind.” So, I can talk to you reader, yet I’m still caught off guard by Pinkie. And by talk to you, I mean just the text you see before you. I’m not speaking out loud to you so nopony else should notice. “Do you by any chance know any transgender ponies? I’m not asking who specifically since they probably want to keep that a secret.” “I know ponies from all over Equestria, and other creatures too,” she put on a thinking cap. “Maybe a couple I’ve met were transgender,” she said as she held up a bell. “You must be the most popular non-alicorn pony in all of Equestra. Such ashamed you hardly know any other transgender ponies or creatures! Even if I try to start my own group, who else is going to join? Just allies? I want to meet other transgender ponies aside from the ones I’ve dealt with in my past. “Also, I don’t want go outside in this dress when my clearly very stallion mouth is visible. That’s why I wear the face veil.” “I want to help you get more comfortable.” “Not like this! They won’t see me as a mare, they’ll see me as a stallion in a dress. At least as Illusion, I hide my body enough to be able to pass off as a different pony entirely. And even then, I don’t speak as Illusion because of my very masculine voice.” “There’s masculine sounding mares.” “Outliners, probably. But even Rainbow Dash and Applejack, despite being tomcolts, are feminine sounding. And on that note, I swear a good voice actor could sound like both of them. Now if only I could voice act to the point it’s not voice acting. Illusion finally overcomes her mutism and speaks in a lovely mare voice. One can dream.” Alright, time for a flashback! Sure, I’ll end up having to repeat this stuff later, like say to the rest of the Mane Six, but I’ll just say I explained it the next time it does come up. So here I am, years ago, in Manehattan. I’m still living pretty deep stealth, aka not being out to most ponies. This is before my magical word writing or even my outfit, but I’m very much attempting to still be Illusion. I found a flyer for a meeting with a group of misfits. Wouldn’t this have been dangerous? Couldn’t any pony have come across this and probably do bad things? Well, when I got there, I met a mare. She’s a dark blue earth pony with a black mane and tail. Her cutie mark is that of a blueberry. “What brings you here?” She asked me. “I’m a stallion, but I want to be a mare.” “That’s... interesting. You can call me Sweet Taste. I’ve got make up to pretty you up. Just lemme have a chance.” “Really? Sweet! I wonder what I’ll look like.” I let her have a go at putting make up on me. After waiting for a while, she fully applied the makeup to my face. I’m not exactly noticing much of a difference. My stallion shaped mouth is still there. And this meeting is still just me and her. “I also got a big dress that should fit you.” It’s a light blue dress with some ribbons. I put it on and I’m a pretty princess pony. Sweet looks really happy to see it as well. “I... have a secret of my own as well,” she gets ready to confess. “Well, mine is already out there, so what’s your secret?” “You’re hot! I have dreamed of a mare with something extra to entertain myself with.” “Wait, what?” “You’re into mares, right?” “Yeah. Which I guess makes me a lesbian, but then I also have to be a mare for that and... never mind.” “Come on filly, you got this! Take me!” “I rather not.” “Didn’t you said you’re into mares? Am I not mare enough for you?” “That’s not the issue. I’m just really deeply ashamed of my penis.” “Don’t be, you’ll love it after I’m done with it!” “That’s not how this works.” “How do you know? Did you try it?” “No, but...” “No buts! You’re going to love this! Please keep the penis regardless however much of a mare you become.” “That’s not what I want to do. I want to get rid of it. I want to have a vagina.” “So overrated. You’re a very rare pony.” “Just stop it! I’m not having sex with you, okay?!” “How come you! Why do you keep denying this moment we’ll both enjoy?!” “We’re mere seconds away from rape, so back the fuck off. I’m not here to fulfill your sexual fantasies.” “And what, go toward other ponies? You think most of them will accept you like this? I actually see you for what you are.” “As seemingly nothing more than a mare with a dick.” “Most ponies will think you’re a freak! Is that how you want to go out?!” “No, but I also don’t want to be here anymore or at the very least, not trying to make out with you. Don’t try to stop me or I’ll use my telekinesis on you.” And just like that, I leave while she looks dumbfounded. And that was the last time I tried that specific little meeting of misfits. I’ve been scared to try more since. Pinkie pulled me into a big hug. “She had no business acting that way! You’re here now, where you’re a whole pony, regardless of your preferences or funny bits.” “I sure consider the D not fun bits, well, my own anyway. It’s not like other stallions are listening and thinking I’m telling them their stallionhood is bad. You know what? I’ve been saying a lot of disclaimers in my speeches. It’s really tiring after a while. But it’s what you do so somepony doesn’t get offended for whatever reason. Perhaps Princess Celestia is a bit too soft on ponies. If Twilight really is taking over, perhaps she’ll encourage ponies to be a bit more assertive. And I don’t mean the kind that Fluttershy was at one point, no thanks. But there’s a middle ground between doormat and asshole.” “You’ll find your place here Illusion and if you don’t, I’ll make a place for you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I might not understand this very much, but I’ll make it my mission to understand.” “I can’t thank you enough, although I have to wonder, why go through all of this effort for one random ass pony? You must so many ponies and creatures in that School of Friendship alone, of which I’m not even in yet. I show up, you throw me a party when I lied by omission to every pony there, not that you knew till know, and my problem is so weird.” “I doubt you’re alone with this. Detective Pinkie will get to the bottom of this.” “So, before I go off to sleep for the night, I want to talk to Twilight about this. But then again she’s a princess in the middle of this town with a castle unlike any other building around Ponyville. And she’s arguably the most powerful pony in all of Equestria. If real life had a main character, she would be it.” “We’ll go talk to her. She’s super smart and probably knows what this transgender thing is and if not, she knows other super smart ponies who also know other super smart ponies who must know.” “But what if she doesn’t understand me? Or worse, what if she’s judgmental about it?” “Relax, Twilight is not like that. But me being there will be an aura of happiness that will make her even less likely to have a bad reaction to you.”
1: Settling InNext stop, Ponyville. What better place to settle down then where random shit goes down and the most special ponies in all Equestria live. It’s been quite some time since I’ve done what I wanted to do, so I guess hardly any pony will know me and I’ll just blend into the background. That’s the plan, at least when I’m not trying to draw attention to myself. Maybe I won’t enter town at a time where ponies are fighting over a doll or Parasprites eat half the town only for it to be good as new days later. Rather then take a train, I did some long distance walking. Ah, hello there, you, yes, you reading this. You may be wondering who I am. Are you sure you want to know? My story isn’t for the faint of heart. Alright, that’s probably a yes, since you’re here, so lemme keep your attention before I lose it. You’ll be finding all so much about me very soon. Meanwhile to help you visualize me, I’m a gray unicorn, with a black and white wavy mane and tail, and blue eyes, which is also the color of my magic. My cutie mark is a white impossible triangle with a black outline so it’s visible on my gray coat. It’s nighttime, perfect for me to settle in when most of the ponies are sleeping, especially her, Pinkie Pie. I know she’s coming and she’s going to put the spotlight on me. Well, I am prepared for this. Have at me! Err... not like that, not in an aggressive way. I’ll just wave at any nearby ponies and keep a low profile, as much as you can in a small town at night, so easy enough. Here I am, in a rather simple house, but it’s all to myself. And I can take off this dress and face veil. I’m keeping my window curtains closed so hopefully nopony peaks inside. I really value my privacy and lots of personal space, neither I’ll get from Pinkie. But once I survive Pinkie, things should go mostly smooth sailing. Although ultimately, I am here to meet the Mane Six, because I think they’ll be among the most useful toward helping me with a very odd problem. You probably already know what that is if you’re here, but if not, well, you’ll know very soon. And yes, I am in fact calling it a problem, at least for myself. Anyway, bedtime. I wonder if Princess Luna will ever meet me in my dreams. That’s both exciting and scary, the former because she could maybe help me and the latter that a princess would know about me. I doubt she’s been around modern Equestria enough to be as hopefully progressive as her sister. Now it’s bright and early in the morning but not that early. I’m not a farmer or animal caretaker, so I rather sleep in some. In fact, I got much of the day to myself till sometime after the kids are out of school. I took work off today, but tomorrow I’m transferring to my new work location in Ponyville. Pinkie is going to be too busy teaching at the School of Friendship to notice a random pony she hasn’t met yet. How do they even do their day jobs and teaching at the same time? Busy, busy ponies. I guess they really are just that special, Elements of Harmony and all, including a princess. This is the last of my bulky dresses that hasn’t wore out yet. Surely Rarity would help me once I’ve explained my situation to her. But would she be okay with what... who I am? She should be, but creatures tend to dislike, fear, or even hate what they don’t understand. But then wasn’t the whole point of all the different creatures coming together was to finally overcome our prejudices? Those statues of Queen Chrysalis, Lord Tirek, and Cozy Glow must count for something. Well, at the very least, Pinkie shouldn’t be negative towards me because of this aspect about me. Then again, she’s a once in a lifetime pony. I should be able to put on a show at the inevitable party she’s going to throw for me later. Okay, now it’s time for stuff to start happening. It’s afternoon, schools are over, and it’s only a matter of time before Pinkie notices me. But how soon... “Hello! You must be new in town because I never met you before.” I nod to her. Can’t I finish a thought in my head first? I’m close enough to smell her breath, which is like baked goods. I thought candy would be it, but close enough. Also, personal space! I would say something, but not out in public where I risk others hearing. I could perhaps get Pinkie for one-on-one time, talk to her more about myself, but I’m going to need a lot of energy for the party that’s to come. I shake her hoof. “What is your name, new friend?” Well, Pinkie is pretty much a free friend unless I really screw things up. I use my unicorn magic to start spelling out letters made from... magical display stuff that only lasts a moment. ‘Illusion’ is what I spell out. “Nice. Any who, I’ve got a party to plan, so have fun!” And she bounces into a bush that I do not see her come out. Okay then, even when you expect it, it’s still jarring. Not that I didn’t believe other ponies saying how random she is but seeing it for the first time is an experience. I almost shout out to her to wait, but then my voice would blow my cover. I just nervously wave at other ponies who are nearby, not saying a word. I really hope she isn’t planning the party at my house. Ah shit... she probably is. I wonder if I can convince her to throw it at Sugarcube Corner instead. I could ask one of her best friends, but I’m already going to be dealing with all of them at the party, so let’s maybe not use up all my energy just yet. I could just go inside Sugarcube Corner and ask but screw it. I’ll just write a note and slip it under the door. Later in the evening, it is party time and my chance to properly introduce myself to Ponyville as myself. Well, one half of my identity. Okay, I gotta steel myself, this isn’t new for me. I’ve performed in front of audiences before, in small towns prior to moving to Manehattan. It’s going to be fine, it’s not like I’m in front of the Royal Sisters or whoever... but Twilight is here, and she is a princess, even if she likes to downplay that fact. At least I can enjoy some good junk food, after the party so I can keep my face veil on the whole time. Problem is I can’t afford to get too hooked on this food or I’m going to develop a figure I don’t want. Oh, sure Celestia can eat a seemingly endless amount of cakes without affecting her figure, if the reports are true. Just the many perks of alicorns. Pinkie could probably eat whatever she wants and still have the same figure, but the rest of us are not her. It’s show time. I clap to get every pony’s attention and then start using my magic to write out words. ‘Hello, I’m Illusion’, I write out. ‘And now to show you a performance!’ I use my magic to create ghost like images of ponies to act out slapstick humor like ponies bumping into each other and throwing pies in each other’s faces. At the very least it should amuse most foals except the ones with really high standards. My performance seems to be going well since I don’t notice any unhappy ponies in the audience. At least they haven’t called me a rip off of Trixie’s shows. I mostly use wacky sound effects with my magic. Voices are a bit complex for me, so I avoid those although I wish I were better at that, for my own sake. “Can she speak?” A filly asked. ‘No, I’m mute.’ I write. Well, that could have gone much worse and probably will if the foals know more about me. Great... Applejack seems to be second guessing my answer, but I’ll just keep on going with the show. I focus on more complex illustrations with multiple fake ponies flying together, crashing into each other, and getting into a silly fight with a cloud ball effect. It’s not easy doing this in such a small space, smaller than I’m used to. At least this isn’t in my home since I’m being very selective on who I let in, so good to know the note worked. The party finally ends some time afterward. Well, that took more energy than I’ve expected. I’m starting to feel tired, so I’m not going to be on my A game when interacting with other ponies. The Mane Six are still here, after every pony else left. “You were not entirely truthful about not being able to speak,” Applejack stated. And here we go. ‘It makes for a better show,’ I spell out. “Understood, have a good evening,” she replied. Ah good, off the hook with that. So, who do I talk to first? Pinkie as I’ve explained before, would be accepting, but I just don’t have the energy left to deal with more of her for now. Twilight might go into scientist mode and ask like a billion questions while taking many, many notes. Fluttershy would be a good choice, although I don’t think any animals she has taken care of have will have my condition. Rainbow Dash probably wouldn’t understand and I don’t exactly trust her to understand, loyalty or not. I risk Applejack not understanding either and probably being rather judgmental. Well, everypony will find out sooner or later, but I want to do this on my terms. I guess I could risk Rarity. Yeah, Rarity first, then Fluttershy, and finally, Pinkie. I do hope Rarity has some time. I do want this to be a one on one, without Sweetie Belle involved. I rather deal with her cooking, including burnt juice, than being publicly outed. ‘Rarity, can I get a moment with you?’ I spell out. “Of course, darling. Although I must say, your dress has probably seen much better days. I could easily fix it up.” ‘Yes, back at your home.’ And so, she leads me there as I wave goodbye to her friends, soon to hopefully be my friends. Once inside her home, I don’t see Sweetie Belle around, so maybe she’s already asleep. Oh dammit, the cat is hissing at me! “Opal, please settle down in front of my guest”, Rarity ordered. Opal didn’t stop. “Excuse me.” She then put Opal in a room and locked it up. “Sorry about that. I’ll need to get your measurements and I can fix up what you’re wearing tonight. Tomorrow I could work on a whole new dress.” ‘It’ll be fine for now, I don’t like to take my dress off in front of other ponies.’ I write out. I’m getting rather good at doing this fast. “It’ll be just for a moment, I’ll hardly look. Most ponies here are okay with normally not wearing clothes, but you’re from out of town, so perhaps you’re not. It’s fine.” ‘Thank you! Okay, so please don’t freak out.’ Here it is, the moment I admit to one of the Mane Six about who I really am, well any pony since years ago. I clear my throat. Here we go... come on, just say something. “Please... don’t freak out” I manage to say. Rarity looks shocked for a moment. “Oh dear, you have a very deep voice. Are you ashamed of speaking because of that?” “Yes, but not for entirely the reason you may think. How do I put it? I’m a mare, but not like most mares are. I... wasn’t exactly born a filly. I wear outfits like this to hide my stallion features.” “Ah, so you’re into cross dressing?” “Yes, I mean no, err... maybe? I don’t want to be a stallion. I want to be a mare. There’s a burning desire in my mind that is how I’m meant to be, but I was born the wrong sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a colt or stallion, it’s just not for me. But what to do? I tried looking up spells to help, but unicorns generally have a hard time using magic outside of their specialties. Even if I could use a mare illusion on myself, my horn would always be glowing, not ideal.” “I don’t mean to pry, but I am curious as to how this happened.” “Even I struggle with that. In my early foalhood, I was okay with being a colt, nothing really out of the ordinary there, but then once I hit my teen years, my body went through changes I didn’t like. I tried talking to my parents about it, but they just dismissed this as a phase that I would grow out of. Well, it’s been a decade since and this ‘phase’ is still going. “Once I was out from under my parents’ roof, I did some traveling over the years. One of the places I ended up was Equal Town, back when it was run by Starlight Glimmer. I stayed for some time, but everything just felt off. It was like no pony had any real personality. So, I bounced and got the heck out of dodge before I heard about Starlight going crazy. Thankfully you six reformed her. But even then, I didn’t quite return to Equal Town although it’s probably much better now. I wasn’t even allowed to use my illusion talents because other ponies couldn’t do it, therefore not equal or some crap like that. What a crazy cult, I tell you. Ahem... sorry about that little rant. At least that situation got better, unlike certain ponies. “Anyway, I’ve moved here because you six are here and I think this is the safest environment for me to be my true self. I’m still not ready to come out to the town yet. Hell, I’m still working up the courage to tell the rest of your closest friends. It would be the first time I’ve came out on such a large scale if I go through with it. Twilight seems to be the smartest pony in all of Equestria. Surely, she would know something about sex change magic? And please don’t let it be something that costs thousands upon thousands of bits, I don’t make that kind of income.” Rarity gives me a hug. This feels nice. “Oh, you poor thing. If you want, I could ask Twilight to help you.” “I hope your help doesn’t turn into pity because I don’t need any more of that. I already given myself tons. I try to be funny so I can distract from my awful situation that most ponies wouldn’t understand. It has crossed my mind to just walk into the Everfree Forest and provoke a dangerous creature into killing me. But don’t worry, I’m over that, mostly. I promise I’m not going to try to kill myself, but the thought has crossed my mind at times in the past. I think I want to speak to Twilight myself, tell her exactly how I’m feeling rather than you trying to explain on my behalf. So please, let’s keep this between us for now. I’ll probably bring this up to Fluttershy next and then Pinkie Pie.” “I want you to be happy and comfortable with who you are. I think Ponyville will be accepting since there are mares married to other mares in town.” “That’s... similar, but also not quite the same thing. Sexuality is one thing, my entire being of sex and gender is something else. And even if I do manage to make progress, it’s not like I can go up to a lesbian and be like, ‘hey there, want to make out with my feminine penis?’ Okay that was rather vulgar, but that gets my point across.” “Right... there are mares opened to both stallions and mares.” “That’s probably my best bet for now. Although I should also note there are ponies who will fetishize me for being a mare with something extra. Compared to being hated on, that’s not much better. Anyway...” I take my dress off, exposing my stallion body to Rarity. “Here, get my measures and get this dress fixed. I’ll probably lie down while you do that. I hope you have no late-night visitors planned. I’m still very much living a double life right now, with Illusion not being my legal name, at least not yet.” “Don’t you worry dear. I’ll get you looking like the prettiest stallion around.” “Umm... mare.” “My apologies, I’ll have to get used to ponies like you.” “I hope I didn’t come off rude. I know, deep down, I’m a stallion, like, that’s what my body is. But even deeper down in my heart, I’m a mare. I know there will be ponies and creatures who will see me as a stallion no matter how much I change myself. And how can I argue against them? My biology is male, and I’ll be hard pressed if any magic or science can change that.” “It shouldn’t matter. We’re more than our cells.” “I know, but stallions and mares are built differently. Like how Big Mac is one of the strongest ponies around. Like the only other ponies who could compare are alicorns, I think. I’m taking a nap now, once you have my dress fixed up, I’ll put it on and go back home.” Author's Note Here's where I finally throw my hat in the ring of transgender stories. No, Illusion is not a self insert of me. I'm Goldstar, not Illusion. And here's something you'll rarely see a transgender story be tagged as, comedy. Not because being transgender is light or humorous, but to help break up the usual doom and gloom that such a condition brings, although that will also come up throughout the story.
2: Chaos TheoryRarity gives me back the now fixed up dress and I put it on to head back home. I don’t think any other pony saw me, but I keep the dress on to maintain appearances if they do. Back at home, I get a good look at myself in the mirror. I won’t say that this makes me feel so much happier, but I do like how it’s fixed now, and I’ll look less tacky for future public appearances as myself. Anyway, bedtime. Surely there’s no way that Luna is going to come to me in a dream? I mean, I know she can, but why would she? There’s far more actual problems that ponies are facing, not me with one of the strangest issues ever. I’m probably not even in the top one thousand of ponies that she’ll visit first. And that’s if she’s even doing this anymore at all if she really is going into retirement. It’s morning and time to go to work. Now, I won’t be going out as Illusion. So now is the time for the other half of my identity and double life to come into play, Mirage. I’m going out to work as a stallion since I need to make a living somehow and the shows I do as Illusion are not exactly bringing in the bits I can live on. As for Mirage, well, that’s just basically me going out naked and speaking up normally. Hopefully someday I can get rid of this identity altogether and just be Illusion all the time, with or without a dress. Ideally, I can just go out naked and still look like a mare. Pinkie’s baked goods are probably the best cupcakes and sweets I ever had! I’m certainly getting more of those while I’m living here. Not exactly great breakfast material, but I didn’t feel like eating them last night. What’s my day job, you may or may not be asking? Mailroom sorting. Yeah, not exactly exciting stuff, although I do get to see Derpy Hooves and Gabby at times. I don’t say anything special to them. But otherwise, I’m just skipping over actually talking about what happens at work unless something special happens. It’s early afternoon and time to clock out. So far it seems like being Mirage is separated from being Illusion. Good, good! Later, I plan to talk to Fluttershy about this whole stallion to mare business. But what would be a good time to do so? As I’ve mentioned, they must live very busy lives to teach at the School of Friendship and do their day jobs. I doubt anypony can just freely go up to them and ask for their time. I think that and yet I kinda did that with Rarity when she could have just headed home and went straight to bed. “Hello stranger!” Pinkie greeted, seemingly out of nowhere. What the hell?! “Have we met before? You remind me of another pony I threw a party for last night. Are you her twin brother?” “It’s a long story, but yes, we met before. There’s no need to throw another party.” “We’ve met before? Are you sure?” She’s looking at me like she’s some kind of detective. “Yes, positive. But I really need to get going now... wait. There is something you could help me with. I want to talk to Fluttershy about important stuff.” “Oh, oh, like about an injured pet you may have? Are you trying to date her? Do you have a surprise gift for her?” “No, no, and no. I’ll tell you later when I feel good and ready to.” “Okie Doki Loki!” And then she runs off at a speed that I swear would be a superpower. Oh wait, Pinkie Pie is multiple superpowers. She could probably keep up with Rainbow Dash flying. I am glad I don’t feel dysphoria over my species. Does that happen to ponies? Like does an earth pony ever wish they could fly? That would be an even more awkward conversation to have. ‘Hello, I’m Illusion and not only am I stallion who wants to be a mare, but I also want to become a pegasus. You’ve got anything that changes my biology even more than a sex difference does?’ Well, good thing I’m okay with being an unicorn. And while on that topic, Changlings. I bet they never ever have to worry about gender dysphoria since they can just shapeshift into a mare or stallion. Man, what lucky bastards. Okay, maybe the whole feeding on love thing isn’t, but then that seems to be way easier after they stopped being creepy holey menacing looking bugs. What I would give for Changling magic. Hmm... I could ask a Changling just how that feels, but where would I find one without going all the way out to their kingdom or whatever? Oh right, Ocellus is at the School of Friendship. Wow, I zoned out, just standing out in the open lost in my own thoughts. As I start moving... “Hello again stranger who never told me his name. Fluttershy will be expecting you.” “You can call me Mirage. You probably won’t be seeing a whole lot of me anyway. Thanks for your help, but I gotta run, laters.” Not that I could outrun Pinkie, nor do I think I could hide. She would be so scary if an evil version of her existed. Wait a minute... how do I get to Fluttershy’s house... “Just keep walking in this direction,” Pinkie answered. How did she know? Is she a mind reader? I hope not or that would lead to a lot of situations I rather not happen. But surely, she isn’t or she’ll have gone insane with the amount of negative and sexual thoughts ponies must be having about her. Yeah, mind reading is not what it’s cranked up to be, not that I have personal experience with it. Enough rambling, I’m at Fluttershy’s house. I knock on her door. I already can smell the animals and it’s not a smell I can tolerance for a long time. “I’m coming,” Fluttershy announced. Seconds later she opens the door. “Ah, Pinkie Pie said you were coming, Mr. Mirage sir.” “Yes... although not quite how I would describe myself, but wait, I had Pinkie do it for me. It’s complex and I’m hoping I can explain it all to you.” “Okay, do you want to be called something else?” “Yes, Illusion, the same one from last night’s party. Like I said, I’ll explain.” Once we’re inside, she offers me tea. I accept and I’m sitting on one of her couches. Hey, is that a bunny who looks pissed at me? What is it with critters not liking me so much? Well, none of the other critters are giving me the stink eye. The bunny runs off toward Fluttershy. Oh right, that’s Angel Bunny, who’s name is very ironic. Shit, what is he going to tell her? I’m supposed to be breaking the ice! “Angel, that’s rude! We should be kind to our guest.” Yes, listen to her! If Angel Bunny is this nice, how bad would a Devil Bunny be? Maybe a role reversal and said bunny would be much nicer? Fluttershy brings over the tea. “Thanks for having me as your guest Fluttershy. So, like I was saying, I’m Illusion. In simple terms, I want to have a sex change. I don’t suppose you would know anything about that? Any of your critters ever felt like they should have been born another sex?” It takes several seconds before she answers. “Nope, I never treated any critters like that.” “Oh... well... that’s awkward. But anyway, I moved to Ponyville so I could become friendly with you and the other Elements of Harmony. Not because I have some secret evil plan or something. Perhaps Cozy Glow would be an example of what not to do. I’m not sure if many ponies are ready for a stallion who wants to be a mare.” “You mean transgender?” “Wait, there’s a word for it? That certainly makes it a lot easier to explain things, although I’m not sure if most other ponies also know about that term. Great, I would have to explain it, but that’s the story of my life, explaining things to others, having to justify pretty much my entire existence.” “I don’t know any pony who’s transgender, aside from you I mean. If you don’t mind me asking, what is it like?” “It’s awful. I get to live every single day feeling like my body is wrong. I’m surrounded by mares who are not unhappy to be mares. It’s a matriarchy, not that anything is wrong with that. I am not transitioning as a power play. We probably have mares who transition to stallions, which would be a downgrade in terms of political power. But it’s not about that, it’s about being who we’re really meant to be. I’m not a scientist who’s an expert on the whole topic of sex in regarding how cells and all that stuff works. I just want to be a mare. I don’t want all this drama surrounding the issue. I wish this was something more open and talked about. It would have been easier for me to be a gay stallion than this. I’m glad we have retraceable genitals or I would for sure being wearing something right now.” Let’s pause for a moment. You know what reader? Explaining I’m transgender is probably only the second hardest thing to do in my life. Wanna know what the first would be? The fact I’m communicating to you, although it’s strictly one way. As if ponies won’t think I’m crazy enough for wanting to have a sex change. Telling them they have an audience watching them and that I’m aware of it, but can’t prove it, is going to get me put on anti-crazy pills and even have my entire gender dysphoria dismissed. I mean, if I stated I believed in something as crazy as an actual fourth wall to break, ponies will just dismiss anything unusual about me as crazy. I’m not sure if even Pinkie Pie would believe me and she can clearly manipulate reality in a way that pretty much no other pony can. Let’s just focus on one problem at a time, coming out as transgender. We can deal with questioning my entire reality later. Anyway, back to the story. “I’m so sorry about the pain you’re going through Illusion,” Fluttershy stated, “Any other way I can help?” “Say... there might just be a way. Maybe you can call up Discord? I’m not expecting a God of Chaos to negatively judge me for wanting a sex change.” “Sure, if you really want to. I’m not used to ponies asking to speak to Discord.” Sweet! With all that magic, surely he can do something for me? Let’s be honest viewer, it won’t be this easy. But even I can’t see what’s to come next, so I gotta try my options, right? A few minutes later, I blink and suddenly I’m in some weird dimensional version of Fluttershy’s house. I didn’t even feel like I teleported, I’m just here. Okay, eyes on the prize, I’ve got an audience with Discord, let’s not waste it. “Hello... Discord... so... err... I’m Illusion, and I was wondering if you could... make me into a mare...” Deep breaths. It’s going to be okay, he’s reformed, right? Otherwise Fluttershy and him wouldn’t be so close? “Hello, my little pony,” he said the thing! I mean of course he would. Why do I get excited at hearing the phrase, ‘my little pony’? Anyway... “What an unusual request. I am not a genie, or I’ll never get any peace again.” “I get that... but... I’m kinda out of options here. I’m pretty sure you could make yourself female if you wanted.” “Of course, I can,” and suddenly he transforms into a feminine form. “I can become Eris, if Fluttershy ever turned out to only be into mares.” He’s... she’s... pretty. What the hell pronouns do I use? Surely Discord... Eris... wouldn’t care that much? I doubt a God would be easily offended, but then I heard how he acted one time at the School of Friendship, so I better not take my chances. “Right, could you turn back to Discord?” And she... he... does just that. “Sorry, that just confused me internally. Anyway, you’re a God, surely your magic can turn me into a mare?” “Do you have any idea what that level of chaos magic can do to a pony? It’s not going to go as you expect it to. You might grow extra limbs and probably turn into a creature like me, minus the powers.” Well, shit, I should’ve known chapter two would be too soon to resolve this issue. “Maybe there’s another way? Like a necklace I can wear?” “Same issue. It’s chaos magic. I’m not about to put myself in a position where I possibly doom a pony. You’re going to have to find another way.” “But I’m a fully grown mare who should be able to decide if I take that risk or not.” “You think other ponies will care even if you consent to this? I can’t help you.” “Fine. I guess I had to try. Well, can you bring me back? I don’t think your realm is fit for living by anyone other than you.” And just like that, I’m back with Fluttershy. I explain to her how it went down. “I hope you’re not too depressed over that. I’ve should have known. I’m sorry.” “It’s not your fault. I was the one foolish enough to not consider that a large amount of chaos magic within a pony is probably highly dangerous. Although part of me would have rather died trying, but it likely would have been far worse like living with additional pain and suffering. “Anyway, I want to try talking to Pinkie Pie next. I’m honestly not too sure what to gain out of it other then coming out to more ponies. But thank you for being so supportive of me even if you can’t do more to help right now. Byes.” And I leave her home. No more animal smell at least unless it got on me and I need to shower it off. Anyway, I’m off to Sugercube Corner. As I open the door, Pinkie sees me, defiles gravity for a moment while opening her mouth wide and takes off in a flash. Oh boy, what does that mean? Well, surely it can’t be that she’s against what I’m doing, if she somehow knows. Not like I need to end on a cliffhanger when clearly, she’ll be okay with me. The cliffhanger is for exactly how she’ll react.
3: It’s Pinkie TimeWhere did Pinkie run off to? Surely, she’s somewhere in the store. I’ll just look around... hey, help! She grabbed me and several seconds later, we’re... somewhere. “Oh my gosh, I have so many questions about you!” Pinkie said. And here we go. “Like?” “When did you find out you were transgender? How have other ponies treated you over it? Who are you interested in? Can you...” Hoof in mouth time. Motormouth? Check. “Whoa Pinkie, one question at a time. In fact, I do have a question. How the hell do you know I’m transgender? I didn’t tell you yet.” “Because you just told me.” She replied with a grin. “What the hell?! Then why would you ask?” “Just a hunch.” “You gotta give me better than that.” “My Pinkie Sense kicked in. You and Illusion seemed so similar and then I thought about it a lot and then I decided to follow you to Fluttershy’s house and then I heard you two talking and I even heard Discord at one point although he was in a different dimension.” “You were spying on me?! Don’t you realize how bad that sounds?! I know personal space and privacy with you is questionable, but damn.” “I’m sorry.” She looked a bit sad by this, but at least she hasn’t changed into Pinkamena. “You seemed so unhappy and I wanted to help. I know Fluttershy is doing her best, but I want to help as well.” “I was going to tell you when I felt like it, but whatever, the cat’s out of the bag. Maybe I should have made a Pinkie Promise. So, where are we? I see a bunch of party supplies. Is it like a Pinkie Cave? Did I really just put those two words together?” “It’s my secret basement where I keep all my party supplies at.” “I thought you used hammerspace for that.” “Even I have limits, believe it or.” I almost don’t. Right, I just mentioned hammerspace and she didn’t act like that was unusual. Should I risk still talking to her about my... condition that isn’t being transgender? Oh, who am I kidding? She’ll probably just figure that out on her own as well. Sometimes I wonder if she’s the second smartest pony among the Mane Six. “Back to your questions, I found out during my teenage years that I wanted to be a mare. Pony reactions to me have been... all over the place. Once I’m speaking to the rest of your closest friends, I’ll do a show and tell using my illusion magic. My sexuality? I like mares, go figure. It’s something about lesbianism not being that uncommon due to a lot more mares than stallions existing. But come on, what lesbian is going for me? I barely pass as a mare and I don’t have the equipment that they like.” “We should have a coming out party. ‘I’m a Mare’ party.” “No Pinkie, no! I know you’re all overjoyed and all about this, but I’m still trying to work up the courage to talk to Twilight, Rainbow, and Applejack about this. This party won’t be just all of Ponyville finding out, but instead all of Equestria will know. Wait, who am I kidding? I’m not important enough to be a pony that every pony should know. Not like I’ll suddenly become a celebrity, a life that for sure isn’t for me.” “I don’t want to see you unhappy being Mirage.” She then put a dress on me. It’s a blue dress with gold layers on it. Looks very professionally made. Might as well put this dress on now since Pinkie also seems eager to see. The back makes it look like my flank is quite round. I blush. “Where did this dress come from?” “Rarity made it for you. So, I picked it up from her.” Rarity, you’re so good at this. Of course, I should know that, but witnessing it first hoof is another story. “How did... you know what? Never mind.” So, I can talk to you reader, yet I’m still caught off guard by Pinkie. And by talk to you, I mean just the text you see before you. I’m not speaking out loud to you so nopony else should notice. “Do you by any chance know any transgender ponies? I’m not asking who specifically since they probably want to keep that a secret.” “I know ponies from all over Equestria, and other creatures too,” she put on a thinking cap. “Maybe a couple I’ve met were transgender,” she said as she held up a bell. “You must be the most popular non-alicorn pony in all of Equestra. Such ashamed you hardly know any other transgender ponies or creatures! Even if I try to start my own group, who else is going to join? Just allies? I want to meet other transgender ponies aside from the ones I’ve dealt with in my past. “Also, I don’t want go outside in this dress when my clearly very stallion mouth is visible. That’s why I wear the face veil.” “I want to help you get more comfortable.” “Not like this! They won’t see me as a mare, they’ll see me as a stallion in a dress. At least as Illusion, I hide my body enough to be able to pass off as a different pony entirely. And even then, I don’t speak as Illusion because of my very masculine voice.” “There’s masculine sounding mares.” “Outliners, probably. But even Rainbow Dash and Applejack, despite being tomcolts, are feminine sounding. And on that note, I swear a good voice actor could sound like both of them. Now if only I could voice act to the point it’s not voice acting. Illusion finally overcomes her mutism and speaks in a lovely mare voice. One can dream.” Alright, time for a flashback! Sure, I’ll end up having to repeat this stuff later, like say to the rest of the Mane Six, but I’ll just say I explained it the next time it does come up. So here I am, years ago, in Manehattan. I’m still living pretty deep stealth, aka not being out to most ponies. This is before my magical word writing or even my outfit, but I’m very much attempting to still be Illusion. I found a flyer for a meeting with a group of misfits. Wouldn’t this have been dangerous? Couldn’t any pony have come across this and probably do bad things? Well, when I got there, I met a mare. She’s a dark blue earth pony with a black mane and tail. Her cutie mark is that of a blueberry. “What brings you here?” She asked me. “I’m a stallion, but I want to be a mare.” “That’s... interesting. You can call me Sweet Taste. I’ve got make up to pretty you up. Just lemme have a chance.” “Really? Sweet! I wonder what I’ll look like.” I let her have a go at putting make up on me. After waiting for a while, she fully applied the makeup to my face. I’m not exactly noticing much of a difference. My stallion shaped mouth is still there. And this meeting is still just me and her. “I also got a big dress that should fit you.” It’s a light blue dress with some ribbons. I put it on and I’m a pretty princess pony. Sweet looks really happy to see it as well. “I... have a secret of my own as well,” she gets ready to confess. “Well, mine is already out there, so what’s your secret?” “You’re hot! I have dreamed of a mare with something extra to entertain myself with.” “Wait, what?” “You’re into mares, right?” “Yeah. Which I guess makes me a lesbian, but then I also have to be a mare for that and... never mind.” “Come on filly, you got this! Take me!” “I rather not.” “Didn’t you said you’re into mares? Am I not mare enough for you?” “That’s not the issue. I’m just really deeply ashamed of my penis.” “Don’t be, you’ll love it after I’m done with it!” “That’s not how this works.” “How do you know? Did you try it?” “No, but...” “No buts! You’re going to love this! Please keep the penis regardless however much of a mare you become.” “That’s not what I want to do. I want to get rid of it. I want to have a vagina.” “So overrated. You’re a very rare pony.” “Just stop it! I’m not having sex with you, okay?!” “How come you! Why do you keep denying this moment we’ll both enjoy?!” “We’re mere seconds away from rape, so back the fuck off. I’m not here to fulfill your sexual fantasies.” “And what, go toward other ponies? You think most of them will accept you like this? I actually see you for what you are.” “As seemingly nothing more than a mare with a dick.” “Most ponies will think you’re a freak! Is that how you want to go out?!” “No, but I also don’t want to be here anymore or at the very least, not trying to make out with you. Don’t try to stop me or I’ll use my telekinesis on you.” And just like that, I leave while she looks dumbfounded. And that was the last time I tried that specific little meeting of misfits. I’ve been scared to try more since. Pinkie pulled me into a big hug. “She had no business acting that way! You’re here now, where you’re a whole pony, regardless of your preferences or funny bits.” “I sure consider the D not fun bits, well, my own anyway. It’s not like other stallions are listening and thinking I’m telling them their stallionhood is bad. You know what? I’ve been saying a lot of disclaimers in my speeches. It’s really tiring after a while. But it’s what you do so somepony doesn’t get offended for whatever reason. Perhaps Princess Celestia is a bit too soft on ponies. If Twilight really is taking over, perhaps she’ll encourage ponies to be a bit more assertive. And I don’t mean the kind that Fluttershy was at one point, no thanks. But there’s a middle ground between doormat and asshole.” “You’ll find your place here Illusion and if you don’t, I’ll make a place for you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I might not understand this very much, but I’ll make it my mission to understand.” “I can’t thank you enough, although I have to wonder, why go through all of this effort for one random ass pony? You must so many ponies and creatures in that School of Friendship alone, of which I’m not even in yet. I show up, you throw me a party when I lied by omission to every pony there, not that you knew till know, and my problem is so weird.” “I doubt you’re alone with this. Detective Pinkie will get to the bottom of this.” “So, before I go off to sleep for the night, I want to talk to Twilight about this. But then again she’s a princess in the middle of this town with a castle unlike any other building around Ponyville. And she’s arguably the most powerful pony in all of Equestria. If real life had a main character, she would be it.” “We’ll go talk to her. She’s super smart and probably knows what this transgender thing is and if not, she knows other super smart ponies who also know other super smart ponies who must know.” “But what if she doesn’t understand me? Or worse, what if she’s judgmental about it?” “Relax, Twilight is not like that. But me being there will be an aura of happiness that will make her even less likely to have a bad reaction to you.”
