Pimp-lestia almost loses her ho
John walked through the castle halls with fire in his eyes. This was it. Today was the day. He was finally gonna do it. He was gonna walk into the dining hall, and tell that princess what he should’ve said months ago. He was done doing this. No more. He didn’t care what her reaction would be. He didn’t care that what would happen to him. ‘The good of Equestria’ wasn’t a good enough excuse anymore. His special treatment would be gone, but he didn’t care. He took a deep breath as he pushed the dining room doors open. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were both seated, and they smiled at his entrance.
“We were wondering where you were John.” Celestia said.
“Now we can finally enjoy supper.” Luna said.
John was silent as he walked to the other end of the room. Some of the guards noticed the tense look in his eye, and tensed up. They hadn’t seen the human angry before. Even the princess of the sun was uncomfortable as he stood next to her.
“Is...something wrong?” she asked.
“I’m done.” John said.
“Come again?” she asked.
“I’m done!” he shouted. “I’m done letting you use me! I’m done letting you manipulate me for your own gain! I’m done!”
“Sister, what one Equus is he talking about?” Luna asked.
“You never told her?” John asked angrily.
Celestia was nervously looking around. It was clear she wasn’t ready for this. Any hint of a calm demeanor was out the window.
“Well...” she said. “I was getting to it eventually?”
“You’ve been doing this to me for four months!” he shouted.
“John.” Luna said. “Please calm down, and explain.”
After an intense moment of silence, John took a deep breath. He couldn’t be mad at Princess Luna. She was clearly in the dark about this. Perhaps that meant she could back him up. He sat down next to her.
“Tell your sister about our little agreement.” he said coldly.
“What agreement, ‘Tia?” Luna asked her sister.
“O-Oh it’s nothing.” Celestia answered nervously.
“Clearly, it’s something.” her sister said with a glare. “In the six months we’ve known John, he’s never been this angry.”
Celestia was nervously silent. Beads of sweat shining with the reflection of the candlelight. Luna gave a wave of her hoof, and the guards bowed. They all began to filter out of the dining room. When the doors shut, it was just the three of them. John wondered how many of them were eavesdropping. The stares from the moon princess and the human seemed to break through Celestia’s nerves.
“Alright! Alright!” she said. “The truth is, John’s the reason Equestria’s had an economic boom the past four months. The likes of which we’ve never seen, even in our lifetimes. His...assistance the past four months has been part of our agreement. His help in exchange for living at the castle for free.”
“What assistance?” Luna asked.
“Tell me Princess Luna.” John said. “Are you familiar with the terms ‘pimp’ and ‘prostitute’?”
“Yes?” she answered, unsure of the question.
“Let me put it this way.” he said. “Your sister’s Pimp-lestia, I’m the prostitute, and the foreign dignitaries are the clients.”
Silence. Luna’s jaw hung open. Even the whispers outside the doors were gone. It clearly wasn’t the response they were expecting. The silence was still in the air, so John continued.
“It began a little over four months ago.” he said. “Princess Celestia had been letting me stay at the castle out of kindness. One day, the Duchess of Prance had come by to negotiate higher tariffs for Equestrian imports. The duchess had a rough ride over, so she was in a bad mood. The negotiations were going nowhere. They took a break for lunch. I happen to cross paths with her. She was snippy with me, and I got snippy with her. Commented that she needed to get laid since she was so stressed out. She called me a ‘lazy hairless monkey’. I’ll never hit a lady in the face, so I hit the only thing I could think of: her flank. Something in her snapped, and she got this look in her eye. She dragged me off to the nearest room, and we did things I’d rather not repeat out loud. It was amazing, but not something I was ready for. In the end, she seemed to do a complete turnaround, and the negotiations went perfectly. I told your sister what happened in private. Rather than berate me for having sex with a foreign dignitary, she smiled. Told me I was forgiven and could stay in the castle, for a price.”
“You mean...” Luna began.
“Yeah.” he said. “In exchange for having sex with visiting foreign dignitaries, I got to stay in the castle. I didn’t have a job, or another place to stay. She threatened to kick me out if I didn’t agree. Mare or stallion. It didn’t matter. I would get teleported to what she called, ‘The Waiting Room’, and the dear princess here would show me off like a prized possession. About every hoof, claw, and talon from another country has groped my ass, among other places. For months.”
“These past four months.” she said to her nervous sister. “You told me you were trying ‘alternative tactics’ to trade negotiations. You said their increased visits were caused from that,”
“It’s not a total lie, Lulu.” Celestia said sheepishly. “I just didn’t give you the exact details.”
“So all the charitable donations we’ve been able to afford the past four months?” Luna asked. “The extravagant gifts from you? It was all built on prostitution?”
“Yyyyyyyes?” Celestia answered, with an unsure smile.
Princess Luna draped her left wing around John in a protective manner.
“Taking advantage of an alien from another world.” the moon princess said. “Forcing him to have sex with foreign dignitaries for our economic benefit. Just so he can have a place to live. How could you not tell me sister?”
“I...” she began.
“You think too small!” Luna exclaimed. “Only using him as a bargaining chip? Imagine charging for his services?”
“Hold on!” John shouted as he pushed Luna’s wing away. “You’re on her side?”
“She is my sister of countless centuries, whereas you are the human guest of six months.” she answered plainly. “While I think it is bothersome to use prostitution as a means of negotiation, the results cannot be argued with. Equestria’s economy is the best is has been in centuries. Our export costs are near non-existent. Even when you adjust for inflation, import costs are the lowest they have been since trading began with our country.”
“Do you have any idea what I’ve been through?” he asked. “Scraggly old world leaders slapping my ass all the time? Mares that try to convince me to go back to their home country for sex on the daily? Stallions that don’t understand the meaning of the world ‘gentle’ in the slightest? I ended up walkin’ funny for a week after that ‘session’ with the Head Chief of Zebrica. I’m the one doing all the work, while you two reap the rewards!”
“Well, we can’t just stop.” Celestia said. “The economic impact would be pure chaos!”
There was a brief silence. John couldn’t believe this was happening. His only hope of getting out of this, just sided with her sister. The man racked his brain for another solution. Anything! Maybe an idea from his home world...
“I have a solution, but I have some demands before I give it.” he said firmly.
“We’re listening.” Celestia said.
“First, I want a personal bodyguard.” he said. “If my body’s so important, it should be protected.”
“Fine.” Luna said.
“Second, I want two days off a week.” he said. “I need my ‘me’ time.”
“Done.” Celestia said. “Anything else?”
“I wanna get paid for doing this.” he finished.
“We can work that out.” she said. “Now will you tell us your solution?”
***
“Oh the camera just adored you dahling.” the accented camerastallion said. “Now you rest up while we get ready for the next set.”
John stood up, brushed green flakes off, and walked towards Princess Celestia. She had a new outfit. She was wearing a purple felt outfit. All four legs had a white fur cuff around the ankle. On her head was a wide-brimmed hat. The same purple felt, white fur wrapped around the top, and a feather sticking out of it. She levitated a glass of water to him.
“Do you really need to look like a stereotypical pimp?” he asked as he drank a swig.
“That Pimp-lestia comment inspired me.” she said with a grin. “I thought it would be fun to look the part. Plus, I think it would turn heads at parties.”
“I hope I’m not involved in these party plans.” he said with a roll of his eyes.
“Not until I have something made that shows off your flanks.” she said with wiggling eyebrows. “On another note, I must congratulate you on your idea. Selling provocative photos of you had made for a huge market. We can’t print copies fast enough to keep up. Though the secret is out now.”
“It was bound to happen eventually.” he said. “Though these commissioned photo shoots are getting weird. King Meowmeow from Abyssinia just wanted pictures of me covered in catnip while naked. The next one is for the Duchess of Prance, and whatever Appareil Photo is doing to the studio right now is making me nervous.”
“Hm.” Celestia said as she looked over a sheet of paper. “Seems she wants you on a leash with a collar she sent. Sex slave on a leash. She also kindly requested for a few photos of me leading you with said leash. At least this outfit gets put to good use today.”
“We’re ready for you dahlings!” Appareil cheered as a leash and collar levitated to John. he begrudgingly put the collar on.
“Don’t get any ideas princess.” he said as the leash latched on.
“Come on John!” she said as she slapped his butt with her left wing. “Let’s make Momma some bits!”
“I am NOT calling you that.” he said as he was playfully yanked along.
