Rainbow Fentanyl

by Flutterpriest

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Narcotics, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Profanity, Main 6
Length: 1051

Rainbow Dash has a serious problem. A problem concerning drugs. You could even call it a drug problem.

Rainbow Dash has a serious problem. A problem concerning drugs. You could even call it a drug problem.

Cover Art and Story Idea blatantly from John Oliver's show.

If this somehow reaches John Oliver -- Hi. I love you.

Published 2022-10-11 05:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2022-10-11 05:20:03 UTC

This Shit is Dope

Author's Note

I mean. Somebody had to.

Also, drugs are pretty serious. If you think you have a problem, reach out for help.

Consider supporting To Write Love On Her Arms

This Shit is Dope

“Rainbow Dash, you have a serious drug problem.”

Twilight Sparkle stood resolute with her friends, circled around Rainbow Dash.

“You’re damn right, Twilight,” Rainbow responded. “You fucking threw away all my drugs!”

“Rainbow Dash!” Applejack interjected. “Language!”

“Not any worse than I heard out of your mouth last night, apple butt.”

Applejack glared at the blue pegasus with an ire known only to American businessman Robert E. Murray, whose learned ire came from eating massive piles of shit.

Pinkie Pie stepped forward and held a hoof to her frustrated friend.

“She’s not herself right now. I would know.”

“Oh come oooon, Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow whined. “You know that I’m good. And you know that you always did this harder than I ever did. All I do is pop some pills and main line a little bit of friendship. Twilight called this stupid-”

“I’m going to stop you right there, bucko,” Pinkie Pie interjected. “I called this intervention.”

Rainbow Dash gasped. She looked to the Prissy Missy Princess Twilight who nodded in agreement.

“But Pinkie. I thought you were all for partying in moderation.”

“That’s just it, Rainbow. You’re off the deep end. I’ve been sober for three months now and you’re over here causing chaos across all of Ponyville!”

“Oh, come on! It can’t have been that bad.”

“You haven’t managed the weather for weeks,” Fluttershy said. “The bears don’t know if they should begin to hibernate or if they should sunbathe! Now the polar bears are sunburnt and the grizzlies have a serious weight problem.”

“Psh. I’m a wonderbolt now,” Rainbow Dash said. “So I didn’t handle the weather. Big deal. There’s tons of weather ponies. Like Der-”

“That exceptionally reductive name isn’t allowed by business daddy,” Twilight interrupts.

Rainbow Dash blinks and shakes her head.

“Either way, I’m a Wonderbolt. So, it’s not like I even have a real job.”

“You WERE a Wonderbolt,” Applejack said, stepping forward. “Since you got kicked off the team for failing that drug test, you’ve been in complete denial. Wonderbolts don’t do drugs. And I’m gettin tired of finding our cider barrels filled with water after you’ve drank it all.”

“Hey, anypony could have drained those barrels in a full keg stand. Like Apple Bloom.”

“It doesn’t matter that Apple Bloom can do an absolutely sick keg stand!”

Twilight redirects her attention to the apple horse.
“Wait, wha-”

“THE POINT is,” Applejack continues. “Is that you’ve been drinking like a racehorse-”

“I AM A RACE HORSE.”

“NOT ANYMORE YOU AIN’T,” Applejack shouts.

Rainbow takes a swing at her best marefriend, but ultimately underestimates her depth of field and falls on her face.

“Are you high right now, Rainbow Dash?” Twilight growls.

“Nooo,” she responds.

“And she’s bucking high.” Applejack scoffs. “I told ya’ll this was a bad idea. We should just put her in rehab.”

“We can’t,” Pinkie says. “She has to be willing or else it will never stick.”

“I’m ready aaand willing~” she said.

“I just don’t think we can get through to her,” Rarity said. “We’ve all tried our best.”

“If we don’t do something,” Pinkie said sternly. “She could kill herself. Or somepony else.”

Fluttershy blinks and shakes her head.

“It’s not really that serious, is it?” Fluttershy said.

“See,” Rainbow said. “Flutters is on my side. That’s what childhood friends are for.”

“Fluttershy, we told you about the pills. And the needles. It’s not just a little problem anymore. This has escalated beyond reason. We’ve been over this.”

Fluttershy looks down and drags her foot on the ground.

“See, Fluttershy. I’m still the same old Rainbow that you know and love, right?”

Fluttershy looked up at her friend. Her face looks as if it were drooping on one side, as if lagging with her facial reactions. The vibrant, natural color of her hair was fading.

“No,” she said. “I don’t even know who you are right now.”

Rainbow Dash sat up and tried to steel herself. She focused on her words and tried to put her thoughts in order.

“Listen. I can handle this. I’ll quit tomorrow. Nopony has gotten hurt. It’s going to be fine. I’m fine.”

Rarity glared at her and stepped forward.

“Do you know why this is happening right now, Rainbow Dash?” she continued before the pegasus could respond. “Sweetie came to me screaming that Scootaloo needed help. She broke a hoof in a stunt that you said you’d help her with. When she needed you, a responsible mare, the most-- you fell asleep and urinated on yourself.”

Rainbow opened her mouth to respond, but couldn’t come up with a witty comeback. The time for comedy was over.

“Rainbow,” Twilight said. “You’re already hurting yourself. And for a while we sat by and did nothing. But now you’re hurting other ponies. Ponies that love you. These painkillers are ruining your life.”

Rainbow looked down to the track marks on the inside of her hooves. Tears welled in her eyes.

“Does she hate me?” Rainbow asked.

“You don’t get to see her or the other little ‘uns until you’re clean,” Applejack responded. “Where are your pills and stashes?”

Tears began to run down Rainbow’s face.

“She must hate me,” she mumbled. “You all must hate me.”

Fluttershy placed a hoof on one of Rainbow’s wings, whose feathers were completely out of alignment and needed preening.

“We’re being so hard on you because we love you, Rainbow. We want to help you through this.”

The girls moved around Rainbow and enveloped her in a group hug. One that they’d done countless times before when saving Equestria, now simply trying to save one of their own.

“Girls,” she whimpered. “I hate me. I-I-I-”

Rainbow stammered, but words couldn’t come out.

“I know a good place,” Pinkie said. “They helped me when I, well, partied too hard. You can do this. We can be accountability buddies.”

Rainbow Dash nodded, her tears matting into her friends’ fur.

“I don’t know what to say,” Rainbow said. “I’ll check in today.”

“It’s going to be hard,” Pinkie added. “But we’re all behind you.”