Chapters The Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship
Chapter 2: Pegasus Vs. draconequus
It was a basic, classic prank. Even so, it would be a sufficient warm-up.
At Sugarcube Corner, a bucket full of water precariously balanced over its near-closed front door, masterly set to tilt over should somepony fully open the door. After looking her bucket over, Rainbow “Odds-beater” Dash ducked into a nearby, very conveniently placed bush. Princess Twilight waited with her inside said bush, though the Princess’s frown screamed she’d rather be doing almost anything else. Namely stopping the prank-off before things could go south, severely.
“Wait for it…” Odds-beater mumbled, mostly to herself.
The booby-trapped door opened; the bucket above it dropped and poured its contents onto the clueless earth pony mare below.
“Hey!”
“Ha ha ha! That never gets old!”
“It can and does for me ,” Twilight whined with her cheek leaning against her upturned hoof.
A poof flashed behind the pair. When it faded, Discord–that is (ugh, I’m still getting used to this) the Stone stood tall. With a mocking bored tone in his voice, he said, “I admit there is a primitive charm to that old ‘water bucket to the head’ prank.”
“Yeah, I know it’s not the best prank ever, but it was just a warm-up.”
“Ha! You call that a warm-up? Get ready to watch a real warm-up.” The Stone snapped his claw. Buckets of paint of various colors, such as blue, red, green, white, and more rained down on ponies, back to back. The ponies’ reactions when nailed varied, be it growling, yelping, screaming, to even muttering “one of these days…”
The Stone held his head up in pride and smugness. “Taking notes? That is what you call a warm-up!" He stroked his goatee and added, "Still, it feels like I'm forgetting something...”
Two more buckets rained on Odds-beater and Twilight, soaking them in pink paint.
"Hey!" the mares shouted in unison.
"Right, that was what I forgot. Can't have ponies thinking I'm discriminating against you two. I'm an equal opportunity prankster."
Odds-beater shook herself off, sending paint splattering in all directions, causing Twilight to flinch as flying drops of paint splashed on her.
"Discord–uh, Stone, I know prank-off rules allow you to prank me too, but could you please leave me out as a target? It's bad enough that I'm stuck having to act as your and Odds-beater's judge, being the only alicorn around. I'd much rather be home reading my books!"
"I suppose, but you really need to learn to lighten up." He rose and flipped himself in midair, and reached out his paw to his vexed adversary. “As for you, would you like to give up now, Odds-not-so-beater, or will you struggle some more first?”
“Neither. I’m going to win!”
“Good filly. Winning a championship won't be fun if you throw in the towel so quickly."
Deep in the apple orchards of Sweet Apple Acres…
“She always starts with that tree first. I hope she’s ready to run,” Odds-beater said with a giggle as she, Twilight (both no longer covered in paint) and even the Stone hid in an even more conveniently placed bush in the apple fields. How could someone as tall as Discord/the Stone manage to fit himself inside a pony-height bush?
Simple: he’s him .
Applejack trotted through her field and to the tree in question, humming cheerfully. She glanced to the bush hiding the pranksters and their reluctant royal judge, but shrugged in non-concern. “Huh. Thought Big Mac was supposed to clear out the bushes growin’. Granny Smith’s gonna let ‘im have it if he were slackin’. Unless…” She squinted her eyes and stared more intently at her tree. Apples were big, red, and juicy. The tree’s branches and leaves ballooning outward looked to be untouched and innocent. “Nah. Even if I couldn’t get her back for it, Rainbow wouldn’t dare mess with one of my trees for her prank-off with Discord.”
The earth pony turned around to face away from her tree, then stretched her hind legs. “Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee, time to go to work.”
She bucked the tree, sending shivers throughout the proud structure. Four apples fell…along with a big bucket full of honey that was hidden in the branches! Said bucket tilted as it fell and dunked honey all over the pony caught under it.
“What in tarnation?!” she asked as she gawked at herself, dripping with thick, sticky honey.
Laughter from a certain pony burst from a certain bush.
Applejack emitted a low, slow growl while gritting her teeth. “Rainbow Dash!”
“I almost don’t want to say it,” Twilight whispered to Odds-beater, “but that prank isn’t more impressive than the Stone’s first prank. Therefore, I can rule this pr–”
Odds-beater slowed her laughter and whispered, “Give it a few more seconds, Judge. It’s not done yet.”
Low but approaching buzzing pushed through the fields. It grew louder and more chillingly ominous. Applejack stared up toward where it seemed to be coming from–her mouth fell agape as her pupils collapsed.
With their sights locked on her, a swarm of bees stormed toward the honey-coated Applejack!
("Blasphemy!") the swarm's leader yelled in bee language. ("You eat honey, not wear it! Let's STICK HER GIRLS!")
("Banzai!") The rest of the swarm roared.
“Whoa, nelly!”
Being heavily outnumbered, Applejack – somewhat ironically – dashed away as far as Bucky McGillicuddy, Kicks McGee, and whatever she named her other two hooves could move.
“Ha ha ha ha!”
“Rainbow Dash, I can hear yer laughin’! If not for those prank-off rules, I would kick yer flank to the moon, beg Princess Celestia to send me there, just so I could kick yer flank again !”
As Odds-beater expected, Applejack forgot in her panic and anger that she could have let herself get stung to get the pegasus disqualified as payback. Twilight heavily considered reminding the cowpony of the injury clause, yet the possibility of Applejack entering anaphylactic shock from en masse bee stings kept her quiet. Twilight was lucky she didn’t suffer a case of anaphylactic shock when a swarm of bees dive-bombed her, back during her unicorn phase.
“See?” Odds-beater asked as her laughing calmed. “That’s almost like two pranks for the price of one! That’s way more clever than a bunch of buckets of paint falling on ponies’ heads!" She poked her hoof into Twilight's ribs. "Right, Judge?”
The prank-off judge sighed in begrudging agreement. “I wish I could say ‘no’, but as judge, I must be honest by saying I agree.”
Stone mockingly yawned, extra-loudly for emphasis. “Very cute, Odds-beater, very cute. Prepare to watch and learn.” He snapped his claw and the three vanished from the Apple family's apple orchards.
Twilight, Odds-beater, and the Stone warped near a window of Carousel Boutique's AKA Rarity’s home. Another snap of the draconequus’s claw summoned a mass collection of chickens, which all gathered further away from the window, almost like a living cushion.
“What are we doing here?” Twilight asked as she looked over toward the chickens.
“And what’s with those chickens? If you’re trying to call me a ‘chicken’, Rainbow ‘Odds-beater’ Dash is anything but a chicken!”
Stone pointed toward Rarity, who was trotting to a sewing machine in her living room. “Just keep your eye on the unicorn.”
The pegasus and alicorn turned their gazes to the unicorn.
“Time for some stress-sewing.” She turned on her sewing machine. One of its ends sprouted a mouth and unleashed a mighty roar, its decimals literally shaking the boutique.
“AHHHH!” Rarity scurried back in a flash…and into bands of a slingshot that had just appeared behind her from chaotic magic.
“What is the–” As if trying to be a jerk by cutting her off, the slingshot flicked Rarity forward. She screamed as she flew across her room, spinning head over hooves, and through her window. She fell onto the Stone's waiting chickens, which cushioned what could have been a painful splat onto the ground into a soft, painless landing–at the cost of Rarity being covered in feathers. Although to a sophisticated mare that values her coat and especially mane looking fabulous, that result might have been worse to her.
“Okay, what is the meaning of this?!” she shouted with a scowl, still surrounded by clucking chickens.
“Oh, poo, I forgot to wish upon a flying unicorn. Could you repeat that stunt one more time, or should I fetch you a stunt double?” the Stone teasingly asked. “My chickens can wait.”
“I should have known immediately that this was some ridiculous prank.” Rarity stared at her new feathers adhering to her coat, grimacing in disgust–though it could have been worse. “At least these feathers won’t be too hard to brush–”
The chickens flapped their wings, took to the air, and then…hoo boy! They each laid and dropped an egg onto Rarity’s back and mane as they flew away! After which, the Stone snapped his claw; Rarity’s sewing machine inside her boutique returned to its inanimate, mouthless state. Too bad what Rarity cared most about remained untouched.
Dripping in egg yolk, Rarity's muscles froze. Her pupils enlarged, but bore a vacant stare.
The Stone counted down, "Three, two, one..."
“NOOOOO!!"
Rarity's screech was heard as far as Tartarus, even scaring Tirek and waking up Cerberus. The raw impact of her mane being ruined was so extreme, her human counterpart shed a tear, but had no clue why she did.
“Perfection. Three pranks for the price of one! Or four if you call the feathers and eggs separate pranks. More impressive than Odds-beater's two-for-one prank! Isn't that right, Judge?”
"I have to agree," Twilight said, her eyelids half-closed out of annoyance. "If I ever meet who invented prank-offs, I will have choice words for how they forbid even princesses from stopping them."
"If you do, I will provide popcorn for that show. But enough of that." Stone looked to Rarity with a sly, trolly smirk marked on his lips. “Well, Rarity, looks like the ‘yolk’ is on you.”
Tiny cracks eeked onto Rarity's gritting teeth; good thing she has dental insurance. "DISCORD! That crossed the line!”
“Uh, I’m ‘The Stone'.”
“Right now I don’t care, Discord !” She pointed to her yolk-dripping mane. “JUST LOOK AT WHAT YOUR CHICKENS DID!! It might take me hours if not days to get all this egg yolk out of my mane!”
Stone floated to Rarity and patted her on her back, yolk sticking to his paw. “Tell you what: when I talk about who I owe the most to during my victory speech after I win the Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship, I'll say your name first.”
“Seriously?! That is your idea of making this up to me?!”
“Not good enough? Then I’ll let you make a speech about me instead.” The probable future champion levitated back to and petted Odds-beater's head, leaving a streak of yolk on it. “Anyway, you’re up, Odds-beater. Try to make this a little more challenging for me, will you?”
“Then get ready! It’s time for a serious prank now!”
Inside Ponyville’s post office…
Along with Twilight and the Stone, Odds-beater stood in front of a tall cubic shelf holding letters and packages. “Good, we snuck in successfully and there's nopony around. Now for phase ‘2’.”
She smiled mischievously and swapped the letters and packages from their rightful shelf, one by one.
“Heh heh! This is his and now it’s hers! This is hers and now it’s his!”
“Rainbow, I don’t like this prank,” Twilight said as she shook her head in disapproval. Must be getting serious if she forgot to address Rainbow by her new prank-off stage name.
“You don’t like any of my pranks, sourpony,” Odds-beater scoffed as she continued her phase 2.
“Fair enough, but this falls under mail tampering! Even if prank-off's ‘consequences’ clause protects you from being arrested, it could take the post office days to sort out everything when ponies bring these letters and packages back here. Muffins do her best, but she struggles under normal conditions as it is.”
“‘Muffins’?” Odds-beater stopped switching letters/packages and stared at Twilight with a puzzled frown. “You’re talking about that clumsy cross-eyed pegasus right? I thought her name was ‘Derpy’.”
“It is, but she apparently loves muffins so much, she started going by both names. I heard she sometimes go by ‘Ditzy Doo’ too, but that’s not important right now. " Twilight pointed a firm, no-nonsense hoof at Odds-beater. "What is important is that you’re tampering with mail!”
“But I need to do something big to outdo what the Stone did to Rarity, and the bigger I go, the sooner I can win! You want our prank-off to end as fast as possible, right, Judge?”
“Well, I do, but…” Twilight trailed off, finishing off with a defeated groan. On days like this, she hated her innate aversion to breaking rules and clauses, or she would scream “Screw the rules, I’m a princess!” and shut down this prank-off immediately. “I can’t wait until this prank-off is over and I can try to legally ban future ones!”
“As long as I win, I can live with never having another prank-off." Odds-beater swapped the last few letters and said with a smirk, "Now, ‘Stony’, let’s see you do better!”
Stone snapped his claw. “I just did.”
“Huh?" Odds-beater rubbed her head in confusion. "What did you do?”
“To the chagrin of this story's lazy writer, telling tends to have less impact than showing, so I’ll do the latter. That poor sap needs all the help he can get from us.”
“Huh? What lazy wr–wait, never mind. I’m not in an asking questions mood," the normally question-happy alicorn said. "Just take us to your prank.”
Not needing to be asked again, the Stone teleported them out of Ponyville's post office and outside. Nothing seemed to be amiss. Ponies still had four legs. Houses were free of traps. Sky was still blue.
“Uh, where’s the prank?” Odds-beater asked.
“Give it a second.”
“What happened in here?!” a mare from inside a house yelled. “I didn’t even have a piano! Where are my cameras and pictures?!”
“I don’t know, but who put all these rocks and books about stand-up comedy in my living room?!”
“At least you’re not surrounded by boxes of mouth-watering cakes, cupcakes, and pies while you’re on a strict diet like I am! This is just cruel!”
“And who can even read this many books?! They look like they were from a library! But this book…hee hee! Spicy! Whoa, what the hay is this thing…?”
Twilight growled and glared at the Stone. “Stone, did you use your magic to swap what ponies keep in their homes?”
“Welp, there goes the ‘show, don’t tell’ principle, but yes, I did. Much more impressive than swapping some letters, and just wait until you learn what a pony just did thanks to me."
Twilight's silence gave the answer she really didn't want to say out loud: Discord's prank outdid Odd-beater's. Thus the prank-off was still live.
“Rainbow or Discord must somehow be behind this!” another mare called out. “They and their stupid prank-off!”
“I don’t think Rainbow could do this , so it gotta be Discord’s prank! Maybe now she’ll wise up and let him win that championship before he buries Ponyville under ten feet of snow!”
“No kidding! There’s no way she could outdo that guy in pranks! He’s Discord or ’the Rocky’ or whatever it was he called himself!”
“YEAAAAAAH!!!”
Odds-beater facehoofed. Fully understanding her opponent could do much more than even this via his magic, and her raw skills alone could only do so much, it was time to face the cold, harsh facts. The pegasus was outmatched, pure and simple. She would have to suck it up, concede, and hope the Stone would eventually get bored with gloating. Or stay near Fluttershy for a while–he wouldn’t dare be a sore winner around her.
Or maybe not. She got an idea. An awful idea. No seriously–this isn’t just a reference; it is an awful idea! If it backfired, things could end in a type of disaster Twilight feared could eventually transpire in this prank-off.
And yet, her idea was her only shot, albeit a long shot, of pulling off what miracle upsets dream to be. She did call herself "Odds-beater" after all. She also wasn’t a pony known for playing it safe anyway, so if anypony would accept the risks, it would be her.
“Time-out! I need to get some help with my next prank.”
In Princess Twilight’s castle, a lilac unicorn screamed a question. Not because she was the victim of another prank, but because of what was just asked.
“You want my magic’s help?!”
Author's Note
By the way, ladies and germs, if any of you think I'm "copying" some of Odds-beater's pranks and should be more original with my pranks, I had planned all of my pranks before I even knew what she was going to do. So there.
Now if you excuse me, I'm going to practice my acceptance speech for when I win the Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship in chapter 3. How long do you think my speech should be? One minute? Three minutes? Maybe I'll make it ten. Poodles!
-Discord, the future Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Champion
The Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship
Chapter 3: A Glimmer of a chance
“You want my magic’s help?!” Starlight Glimmer asked, sitting on her bed in her room. Being asked to use her magic for once, she dropped a kite she held in her magic from shock.
“Yeah! I hate to admit it, but I can’t match Discord’s–uh, the Stone’s pranks thanks to his magic. Your magic is my only hope!”
“But I'm not even competing in your prank-off! Wouldn’t I fall under ‘outside help’?”
“Sorta, but Twilight said that I have complete freedom in how I prank. As long as I come up with the prank, it won’t break any rules if you help with them.”
“Oh. Still, did you forget about the magic ‘hangover’ I gave you a few months ago?” Starlight’s ears wilted and she slid her hoof in circles on her mattress. “I don’t want Twilight to yell at me if my magic makes a mess of things, again .”
Odds-beater flew to the uncertain unicorn and wrapped a comforting foreleg around her neck. “No worries! For one thing, you won’t have to cast anything like mind-control spells.”
“But–”
“And two, even if things go wrong but nopony is hurt, even Twilight ‘Sourpony’ Sparkle can’t yell at or punish you thanks to prank-off rules! So no pressure, right?”
“I gue–”
“Cool, so let’s go and take down the Stone! I have a prank in mind that even he won’t be able to outdo, so the Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship is as good as mine!”
Starlight giggled, which leaked uncertainty.
A cyan streak zipped across Ponyville, leaving small red balls by buildings, trees, bushes, and even under rocks large enough to fit them under.
With all the balls set, the streak stopped beside Starlight, revealing none other than Odds-beater. Not that the streak’s identity was some grand mystery, but whatever.
“Okay, that should be the last one. You ready?”
Starlight answered with an unsure frown, “Sorta.”
“Sorta?”
“Sorta. I quadruple-checked the spell needed for your prank, but ever since I took Twilight's hoof in the past, nearly every time I think one of my spells won’t backfire, it does .” Starlight turned her head and looked at her Cutie Mark. “Sometimes I wonder how my Cutie Mark stealing spell didn’t backfire by making me lose my own Cutie Mark.”
“Even if it does go wrong, as I said, we’re protected from consequences. But how about this: if this prank doesn’t win the prank-off, I will give up and let the Stone be champion. Feel better?”
“You’re going to pester me even if I say ‘no’, won’t you?"
“Yep!” Odds-beater answered bluntly, yet cheerfully.
“Fine. Let’s do it.” Starlight sighed in acquiescence. “I just hope I won’t hate myself in the morning.”
“You won’t. Oh, before we start the fun, I better go find Twilight so she can see the prank in action–”
“You don’t have to get me; I’m here,” Twilight said as she moped to Odds-beater and Starlight. Her frown and half-closed eyes oozed that of a mare who was just done . “Let’s get this over with and hope Ponyville doesn’t end up underground.”
*Poof!*
“I’m here too,” the Stone said, wearing a smug smirk, as the smoke from his “poof” faded. “Let’s see what prank ‘ol Odds-beater cooked up this time before I blow it away with mine.”
“And, Twilight? For the record, I don’t want to do this, but Rainbow–uh, Odds-beater begged me to help with my magic.”
“Wait,” Twilight spoke in alarm as her eyes enlarged, “you’re going to use magic to help with Odds-beater’s prank?”
Starlight shrank away, pawing the ground with a forehoof. “Mayyyybe?”
Twilight blinked twice. As if her sense of dread wasn’t already earning overtime pay. ‘I’m glad I warmed up my magic. I might have to save somepony with it soon.’
Starlight’s horn glowed turquoise; a stream of magic flooded out of it and floated throughout Ponyville. The hidden balls exploded all at once, unleashing waves of red paint that doused Twilight, Starlight, the two prank-off battlers, and the entirety of Ponyville in paint. Save for a cottage owned by a certain yellow pegasus that was intentionally spared.
A few ponies caught in the paint storm started wondering if they might have been better off if Lord Tirek had defeated Princess Twilight and her friends. Most, however, just muttered strong words that ponies normally don’t speak, of the four-letter word variety.
“Ha ha ha!” Rainbow raised her forelegs, admiring her impromptu makeover of Ponyville. “Beautiful! I literally painted the town red!”
Stone said, “Okay, that’s cute, but I al–”
“Hold it, buddy! It’s not finished yet. Give it one more minute.”
After a minute passed, another explosion of paint covered everything in a second coat of paint.
“What?!” Twilight exclaimed, wiping some paint off her head. “How did that happen?!”
“Starlight’s spell happened! Unless she cancels it, paint will fly every minute, so that championship is mine! How could even the Stone one-up a prank that has the potential to never end?!”
Blue bursts of paint erupted from the ground, whipping up a new storm of paint to attack Ponyville and any pony outside. Now everything/everypony found themselves coated in not just red paint, but dotted with blue paint.
“Wait, that’s not part of my prank. What’s going on? Starlight?”
“I don’t know.” Starlight laid a hoof on her cheek and looked down. “Even if my spell backfired, the paint shouldn’t be blue.”
“Oh, so you were going to make Ponyville into Paintville with an endless paint-powered prank too, huh?” the Stone said, then added in a softer, sincere tone, “Amazing. I might have underst–”
Red and blue paint erupted, but with far more force than before, forcing the Stone and every pony to wobble on their hooves/feet and fall over. Fissures branched out in the ground. Windows cracked. All of Ponyville sank into the ground by about an average building's height. Luckily, nopony around seemed to be hurt.
At least, not yet .
“Uh-oh. I must have added too much paint underground,” the Stone said as he stood up and surveyed the area.
“And something must have gone wrong with my half of this mess,” Odds-beater said while remaining on her stomach, her lips falling into a frown. “I think this has gotten out of hoof.”
“You think?!” Twilight sprung to her hooves and glared at Odds-beater and Stone. “See what you just did to Ponyville?! This is why I was such a ‘sourpony’ about this ridiculous prank-off!” She let out a blaring, pent-up yell that even Canterlot heard. With her princess mode activated, Princess Twilight bellowed, “You know what?! I don’t care if I'm forbidden from stopping prank-offs or from yelling at you due to a prank, because I have had enough! I'm not done with you two, but this prank-off is ov–”
A distant feminine scream echoed through the air.
“Hold on to your rant, Twi. Was that Fluttershy screaming?!” Odds-beater asked as she pushed herself to her hooves and stared in the direction of the scream.
“I think so!” Twilight answered. “We better go to her! I can finish yelling at you once I know she’s okay!”
The Stone snapped his claw. He, Twilight, Starlight, and Odds-beater vanished in a poof.
The quartet popped in front of Fluttershy's cottage. Said cottage was covered in a mix of red and blue paint. Fluttershy sat near Angel; the latter was lying on the ground while clutching his ankle.
Rainbow gazed at the unexpectedly painted cottage. “I don't get it! This area should have been safe!”
"You took the words out of my mouth!" the Stone chimed in as he also gazed at Fluttershy's cottage. "Maybe I should have snapped with my paw to set up my paint spell, not my claw."
“You two can wonder what went wrong later!” Twilight flew to Fluttershy and asked, “Fluttershy, is everything all right?!”
“I’m all right, but Angel’s not. He slipped on this paint that just came out of nowhere and hurt his ankle. Then, when the ground just fell, I think he hurt it even more.” She pointed at one of Angel’s ankles as Angel lifted his paws off it, revealing a huge, nasty red bump swelling from it.
A blast of red and blue paint erupted right from under Angel. He flipped into the air, then fell and slammed on his back. In bunny speech, he moaned, “Ow.”
Fluttershy growled and glared at Stone and Odds-beater. “May I ask who was responsible for this prank that injured my little bunny?”
Starlight gulped, canceled her unlimited paint spell, and teleported away. Smart pony.
Rainbow and Stone pointed at each other in unison. They would not dare say that the bunny probably had this coming to him. Instead, they shouted something that might have been the best, and yet the worst thing they could have said.
“It was his prank!”
“It was her prank!”
Fluttershy's eyelids lowered in a deadpan fashion. “Really?”
Odds-beater answered, “Okay, it’s both our pranks, but I think we learned that being the best in pranks or winning championships isn’t important.”
“And that even I should be much, much, much more careful to make sure others don’t get hurt in pranks. Even back in the old days, I didn't like hurting ponies! I just liked picking on them!”
Another blast of paint, this time just blue, knocked Angel upward and onto his butt. The Stone snapped his paw and canceled his version of the spell that nearly destroyed Ponyville. Probably too little, too late.
‘I guess I deserve this for the time I threw Fluttershy out of her own home, ’ Angel thought.
Being oblivious to Angel’s internal heel realization, but not oblivious to heranger, Fluttershy gritted her teeth and scowled. Her eyes turned green. The pegasus’s inner Hulk ordered her gentler Bruce Banner-type side to sit this one out. With the prank-off consequences clause null and void due to Angel’s injury, Flutterhulk was free to show who is the strongest there is, and deliver some SMASHING “consequences.”
“Can we at least have a three-second head start?” Odds-beater timidly asked.
“You may have five.”
Odds-beater turned and flew off, with the Stone grabbing and holding on to her tail. After the allowed five seconds, Flutterhulk shot up into the sky. With vicious flaps of her wings, she launched herself toward the fleeing pegasus and draconequus.
“Faster, Odds-beater! Faster! Didn’t you see her eyes turn green?!”
“I’m going as fast as I can!”
“Then go faster ! She’s already gaining on us!”
“Since both their pranks resulted in Angel getting hurt, I will disqualify them and call this prank-off a draw.” Twilight watched the three fly away. She should consider stepping in, but part of her wanted to see what Fluttershy, in her rare Flutterhulk state, would do if the shrinking gap between her and her targets closed completely. Thus, the prank-off-hating alicorn chose to keep watching, for “science.”
Angel also watched on with a proud smirk. ‘I love seeing this side of her go off, just not on me.’
“Hehe, Discord teased me about how I tend to forget about teleportation when I’m in danger, and now he forgets! But why does it feel like I’m forgetting something? Maybe reading a book can help–”
The reason Twilight had sensed flashed in her head. During the earlier living room-swap prank, one of the ponies said books, as if they came from a library , were inside their house. If that was the case...
“Oh, no.” Twilight’s ears and the corners of her lips drooped. “If Lyra found that book and showed it to others, I will never be looked at as an ‘innocent’ mare again! But on the bright side, at least that prank-off is over and Ponyville is still in one piece.”
After witnessing – and flinching from – a certain…heated event between friends in the sky and took two of them away to recover, Twilight made her way to Lyra’s house to fetch her books. Getting her books back was higher on her priority list than cleaning up Ponyville and restoring it to its original sea level. However, while Lyra wasn’t around, Bon Bon was there to allow her to retrieve her books, as well as her portal since that got swapped too.
The next day…
“...and there!” Princess Twilight laid down her quill. She smiled proudly at a stroll holding her new law, lying in front of her on a table. “Once I make this an official law, prank-offs will be a thing of the past! Hehe!”
“You sound like you’re in a good mood,” Starlight said as she walked into Twilight’s library. Her new black and white dress was reminiscent of a maid’s dress.
“Better than ‘good’! Princess Celestia told me I have the authority to ban prank-offs, so that’s what I’m doing!” Twilight rolled up her law. “We were lucky things ultimately ended the worst for Rainbow and Discord, but I’m not taking any chances.”
“And I’m glad Fluttershy isn’t still mad at them or me.”
“Yeah, Fluttershy really isn’t one to hold grudges, so I knew she’d go on to forgive you all. I told her that you only helped with Rainbow’s prank because she begged you to, so she couldn’t get too mad at you.”
“Hee hee. Still, I better keep my word to be Angel’s maid for three days as my apology to him.”
Pinkie Pie hopped into the library, wearing a blue belt around her forehead. “Hey! Who won the Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship? I want to challenge the winner for the title!”
“Nopony did. Twilight disqualified Rainbow and Discord for violating the prank-off's injury clause when their pranks made Angel hurt his ankle.”
“What?!” Pinkie asked, her eyes bulging. “You mean my day of secret training to be the next challenger was for nothing?!” Her head hung in disappointment. “Aww.”
“Tell you what, Pinkie.” Twilight trotted to Pinkie with a supportive smile. “Since your prankster skills rival Rainbow’s but you usually showed restraint with pranks, I can name you the unofficial Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Champion. You can even have the belt, if you don’t mind that I threw it in the trash. Just don’t tell anypony about this, okay?”
Pinkie tapped her cheek, rolling her eyes in internal debate. “Well…I’d rather win my championships, but I’ll take what I can get. At least it would mean that my training didn’t go to waste.”
Twilight victoriously raised Pinkie’s hoof. “Then I declare that you, Pinkamena Diane Pie, are the unofficial Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Champion!”
The new Champion hopped and squeed. She does that. She yanked out a podium out of nowhere – she also does that – set it in front of her, and said, “I would like to thank my friends, my sisters, especially Maud who helped train me over the last day, and–”
“Sorry to interrupt your speech, Pinkie, but I want to ask Twilight something.” Starlight turned to Twilight, a smirk growing on her lips. “When will you finally tell me what Fluttershy did to Rainbow and Discord after I teleported away? It must have been bad if you thought them suffering further consequences would have been too cruel.”
“Uh, I-I’m running late, so I need to hurry and turn in my law. Bye!”
Twilight dashed out of the library; Starlight chased from behind.
“Come on, Twilight, stop hiding it! How bad was the carnage?! Tell meeeeeee!”
“No! You’re too innocent!”
“Me?! ‘Innocent?!’ I stole Cutie Marks and even accidentally destroyed Equestria before I took your hoof!”
“I meant your current personality , not your actions prior to becoming my student! All you need to know is that Rainbow and Discord are in the hospital!”
Partly thanks to seriously lucking out, things ended surprisingly okay for Ponyville’s ponies, save for one. The damage to Ponyville was mostly fixed and even its original elevation was restored, thanks to magic from the town’s friendly neighborhood alicorn and one of Equestria’s strongest unicorns.
Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, the one pony – and draconequus – whose things didn’t end okay for…hoo boy. Let’s just say that their blood-curdling screams would go on to be legendary.
One hour after Twilight fled her castle, a special journal in her bedroom glowed. Words materialized on its pages.
Dear Princess Twilight
Could you come and do something about the Lyra from Equestria who’s over here? Even you–that is, the human version of you–is getting fed up with her questions about humans! How did she even find the portal anyway?! She was so happy to meet humans and even said it was her dream, I was going to stay quiet and let her stick around for a while, but she’s becoming too much. Please hurry and get her out of here, before Rainbow finally punches her for asking one too many questions.
Your friend, Sunset Shimmer.
Author's Note
Well, my little readers, this is admittedly awkward. I wrote the rules and clauses for prank-offs in jest about 1,100 years or so ago, but I forgot that they became official. In my defense, it is extremely difficult for even an alicorn to remember everything she did over a 1,000+ year lifetime.
But I digress. For what I indirectly forced Princess Twilight and Ponyville to endure, I will refrain from eating cakes for a month as a self-punishment. This next month will be long…
-Princess Celestia
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The Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship
Chapter 1: This will end badly, at least according to Princess Twilight
There were few things Discord enjoyed more than whipping up chaos. He may have ceased picking on poor Equestria with his nigh-omnipotent magic after (sort of) reforming, but he still savored the bit of low-key chaos he occasionally unleashed–more often than not at Princess Twilight Sparkle’s expense. No, scratch that: especially when it was at that alicorn’s expense.
However, two non-chaotic activities he loved were Fluttershy and her tea parties. Mostly the former. Oh, he also loves having a laugh. Which Rainbow Dash, who had stopped by Fluttershy’s cottage during one of her and Discord’s tea parties, unintentionally provided him.
As Fluttershy watched on in her chair confused, the Lord of Chaos rolled about in the air, clutching his stomach, as his eruption of laughter continued.
“Hey! What’s so funny?!” Rainbow asked, scowling.
“You!” Discord halted his rolling and pointed a claw at Rainbow. “You think you could out-prank me ?”
“Yeah!”
“Ha!” He slapped his paw over his head in amazement–while feeling a tad of pride in the cyan pegasus. “You got guts, Rainbow, I give you that. But, while you might be able to prank some of Ponyville, I was pranking Equestria before your Great x 30 Grandmother was born! I could mop the floor with you in pranks without even try–”
“Discord? Be nice and don’t brag too much,” Fluttershy said firmly.
“Yes, Fluttershy,” Discord answered meekly.
“No, Fluttershy!” Rainbow flew up to Discord and shoved a hoof in his chest. “Discord, if you think it’d be so easy, let’s have a prank war! Show me what you got!”
Discord snapped his paw. Rainbow was moved back during the “poof” that followed, and a pair of glasses materialized over Discord's eyes. A list, which stretched to the floor, also poofed into existence. He skimmed through his list and said, “I could bump ‘dinner with myself’ ahead a couple of hours to free up some time, but what would I get out of it besides a laugh? I could always tease–uh, ‘visit’ Twilight if I want a good laugh and without needing to change my schedule.”
Rainbow laid a hoof on her cheek and rolled her eyes upward. A smile crept on her lips; a bad sign if you like things uneventful. “You’d get an Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship, which I’m going to ask Twilight to make official. But if I win, I will be the champion!”
Discord thoughtfully tugged on his goatee. The draconequus had done many things, but becoming a champion wasn’t one of them. Granted, he never thought about winning championships, but hey–you can want things that you didn’t know you wanted. Just look at Princess Twilight, who went from friendship skeptic to a literal Princess of Friendship who is passionate about spreading it. “Interesting. A championship belt would look good around the closest thing I have to a waist. Oh, why not? I’ll play. How will I win?”
“We will take turns pulling pranks on some ponies, and the best prank wins.”
“I suppose those terms are fair.”
“Then it’s on–” Rainbow’s eyes widened “–Uh-oh. I forgot.”
“What?” Discord asked.
“I told our friends I wouldn’t prank anypony that didn’t like pranks back when I got…carried away.” Rainbow motioned to Fluttershy. ”Fluttershy would have already been off-limits, but it wouldn’t be fun to just prank Pinkie the whole time.”
The off-limits mare said, “Oh dear, that’s too bad. Well, let’s just continue our tea–”
“Not a problem!” Discord rose higher in the air and gleefully added, “You can just challenge me to the ultimate prank war: a prank-off.”
“Prank-off? What’s that? Do you know, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy shook her head. “No. I don’t believe I have ever heard of them.”
“How about you ask little Miss Bookpony? She’d need to set it up anyway.”
In the library of Princess Twilight’s castle…
“A prank-off?” Princess Twilight AKA little Miss Bookpony asked, sitting on her couch. A stack of five books lay beside her, because of course she would be reading during her free time.
“Yeah. Discord said to ask you about how prank-offs work. He thinks my pranks can’t hold a candle to his, so I want to show him how wrong he is!”
“I think I have a book about prank-offs. Let me check.” Twilight flew from one spot of her vast bookshelves to another, mumbling “no” or “that’s not it” or the like under her breath with each failed search for this prank book. She finally flew up to the highest shelf, near the library’s ceiling. It was a special shelf she had made for the sole purpose of keeping books she had little interest in re-reading–all three of them. She peeked at one and smiled. “‘Everything About Pranks’ should be the book! I should have checked up here first.”
“What are the rules?”
“Give me a second.” Twilight floated her book off the shelf with her magic and skimmed through it. An unfortunate rule for prank-offs (for Twilight and Ponyville anyway) triggered the corner of her lips and ears to sink. “Oh no. The rules are way worse than I remember.”
“Why you sound so sad?”
“Because as long as a prank doesn’t physically injure anypony, the pranksters competing in a prank-off will have free rein to do whatever they want.” Twilight flew down to the floor, bearing a dejected frown. “Even worse, if one is declared or agreed to, it MUST be allowed to happen, so even Princess Celestia can’t stop them, let alone me. All princesses can do is judge prank-offs and declare a winner.”
“So as long as they don't hurt anypony, I can pull any prank I want and nopony can hold them against me?" Rainbow’s lips lifted into an ecstatic, mischievous grin. If she could prank without the risk of any consequences during the prank-off, the pegasus was set to enjoy herself. “Awesome!”
“Unfortunately, yes, though I strongly disagree with this being in any way awesome.” Twilight levitated her book up all the way back to its resting place on the highest shelf in the library. “I’m banning prank-offs once this one is over, because I just know this will end badly.”
“Aw, don’t worry, Twi,” Rainbow reassuringly patted Twilight’s back. “I bet this prank-off won’t last long anyway, so don’t be such a sourpony. Ooh, before I forget, can you make an Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship an official title? I told Discord it would be the prize for winning.”
“I don’t know if I can create official championships. I’m just the Princess of Friendship.”
“Then how can you ban prank-offs if you can’t stop me and Discord from having ours? They got nothing to do with friendship.”
“Well I can, but I also can’t, and…” Twilight sighed and timidly scraped the crystal floor with a forehoof. “Let’s just say that it is best for me to not think too deeply about what my authority limits as a princess are. They can be confusing at times, so it’s been better to learn what I can or can’t do as it happens.”
“But if you don’t know for sure if you can ban prank-offs, why did you say you were going to–”
A hard frown and scowl burned onto Twilight’s lips and eyebrows, respectively. She slapped her hoof over Rainbow’s mouth and glared the mare in the eyes. “Rainbow Dash, unless you want to see me overthink, stress out, and, in Spike’s words, lose it over my at times arbitrary princess authority, you will not finish that question. Understand?”
Rainbow nodded.
“Good.” Twilight’s scowl and frown softened as she lifted her hoof from Rainbow’s mouth. “I’ll see what I can do about making the Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship an official title, but I don’t like your chances of winning.”
“Huh? What does that mean? My chances are great!”
“I’m sorry to say, but your chances of beating Discord in a prank-off are, at best, 5%. More realistically, your chances might barely be 1%.”
Rainbow frowned, her ears drooping. “You think I got little chance too?”
“Yes,” Twilight answered, along with a reluctant nod. “Regardless of my feelings about pranks in general, you are great at them. However, Discord is the embodiment of chaos and is literally a natural trickster. He might have even invented pranks for all we know.”
With a poof, Discord popped beside Twilight and wrapped an arm around her; the alicorn groaned as Discord pulled her to him.
“Ha! See? Even one of your best friends admit you’re in over your head!” Discord playfully flicked one of Twilight’s ears with a claw, coaxing a growl from her. “Twilight might need to work on remembering she can teleport when she’s in danger, but at least she remembers me and knows I’m the very heavy favorite.”
“Keep thinking that, buddy. You’ll feel that much more silly when I win.”
“We’ll see, we’ll see.” He let Twilight go and patted her head, then floated to and patted Rainbow’s head. “Well, I’m going home to practice posing with my future championship belt, but you can pick the day of our prank-off, Rainbow. Poodles!”
With one snap of his claw, Discord vanished in a poof–a poof in the shape of a poodle. Afterward, Rainbow growled as she gritted her teeth. No way could she allow herself to lose now! “Ooh, I can’t wait until our prank-off so I can shut him up! When can prank-offs start?”
“They are supposed to start at noon. If you don’t mind, can it be tomorrow?”
“The sooner the better for me. I thought you might want it to be next week or something with how you seem to hate them.”
“I’d rather it be never, but having it over with as soon as possible is the next best thing.”
The next day at noon…
In Ponyville’s town square, the site of probable future mayhem, Princess Twilight held a gathering with Discord and many of its citizens present, though Pinkie Pie was strangely absent. Rainbow and Discord stood tall and confident, itching for combat–of pranks. A podium beside the Princess of Friendship and Spike displayed a glittering gold belt, a “P” marked onto its plate, freshly crafted from magic. Lastly, a bell stood beside the belt.
It turned out that Twilight does have the authority to make championship titles official, under the grounds of just being an alicorn princess. Not that it made her feel much better, given what the title was and how it would be won.
“Okay, everypony. Listen up,” Twilight said in a low, very unenthusiastic voice. Her frown oozed raw exasperation. “I’m going to explain the rules of a prank-off. First off, pranks that physically harm anypony will trigger an automatic disqualification for whom made it, but Rainbow and Discord will otherwise have complete freedom in how and who they can prank. Punishments in any way for their pranks that cause no injuries cannot be made.”
Spike asked, “Uh, Twi? Why do you sound so miserable?”
Twilight leaned down to Spike and whispered, “Because I am miserable! This is going to get out of hoof eventually, but I can’t stop their prank-off thanks to its rules!” Twilight let out a frustrated growl. She composed herself, lifting her head to its usual height. In a not quite an unenthusiastic voice comparable to Maud Pie's, she continued, “The prank-off will continue until a prank is done that is not more impressive than the previous one, fails, or violates the injury clause, and I will act as judge. Finally, as for everypony else, try to go about your business as if this is a normal day.”
“And the winner gets the Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship! Which will be me!”
“You wish, filly! I’ll win the belt in time to have dinner with myself at its original time!”
“With all that said, I announce the prank-off between Rainbow Dash and Discord will–”
“Wait, call me ‘The Stone’. I would go with ‘The Rock’, but that name is already taken.” Discord winked, although it was aimed at those from another world watching.
Twilight rolled her eyes in annoyance, albeit accepted annoyance. “Fine. I announce that–”
“Wait, if he gets a name, I want one too! Uh, call me ‘Rainbow “Odds-beater” Dash’!”
“Anything else either of you want?” Twilight asked with deadpan eyes.
“No,” they both answered.
“Then I can finally announce the prank-off between Rainbow ‘Odds-beater’ Dash and The Stone will begin…now!” She rang her bell on the podium, signaling the battle for the coveted title had begun. Well, coveted to Discord and Rainbow–that is, to The Stone and Rainbow 'Odds-beater' Dash anyway.
The ~~potential victims~~ ponies dispersed and mentally braced themselves.
Lyra Heartstrings whispered to Bon Bon, “Between Pinkie Pie's antics, Princess Twilight’s monthly freak-outs, random monster attacks, and sh*t like this, why I never moved back to Canterlot is beyond me.”
“Maybe it’s because I’m still here?” Bon Bon whispered back.
“You know me better than I do sometimes. Oh, I almost forgot I never moved because I can just sense that a way to meet one of the mythical ‘humans’ is nearby!”
“Keep telling yourself those weird monkey-like ‘hu-mains’ or whatever they’re called really exist somewhere.”
As Lyra learned more about why she never moved out of Ponyville, the first pranks for the Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship were being determined.
And poor Ponyville might not be ready for what was in store for it.
Author's Note
To quote Princess Twilight: this will end badly. The real question is, how badly?
Feel free to point out any errors I missed. I'd rather them be pointed out sooner than me eventually come across them much later on and wonder how did I miss it.
