Secrets

Chapter 4: Doubt

Entry #592

26th of zantyia

What point is there to keep on living? All that I've had have been taken away from me. I've begun to ponder taking my own life in desperation, I want this nightmare to end. First my brother, then Blizzard, and now my best friend has been killed! I am writing this from the 'safety' of an orcish inn. The war has been lost, I've seen what they did to survivors, either they roast on an open fire or they're hanged with barbed-wire. I'm not saying I want to join them, but I see no point in continuing this childish desire for revenge that has kept me somewhat sane for the past few years.

-Wildfire

This was only one of a series of entries Wildfire had written for the past few years. Most of them were moping about his condition, at least that's how it seemed to Twilight. But perhaps what was most disturbing about the journal was the writing itself. It started out as very neat handwriting which was properly punctuated, capitalized and formatted. As she progressed deeper into the journal she witnessed how it slowly degraded into mad scribbling at the very least. His thoughts became irrational and downright cruel.

Twilight gagged at the sight of the dreams of genocide and murder. how could this be the same level-headed colt at the hospital? Surely there was something more to it? Reading further into the small booklet, Twilight saw no improvement in his mental condition. Hearing the door slam shut behind her, dropping the book, she spun around to find the wolf again. Eyeing the book, it seemed to be listening for something.

Wildfire, the purple one is reading the old book. Shall I dispatch of her?

Feeling the touch of his mind against hers, Snow felt a wave of sorrow and loneliness burst through. What? Of course not, on the bright side she might be scared enough to get someone to kill me.

Shuffling uncertainly against the hard wooden floor, Snow was worried for her long time friend. Wildfire, your dementia is acting up again, don't do anything stupid.

Annoyance flared inside his mind. Of course not, I'm just feeling sad, I've been seeing Her again. I'm just a little homesick I guess. Looking up, Snow noticed that the purple one was watching her, fear in her eyes. Deciding that she should go check on Wildfire, she left the library quietly and faded into mist.

Picking the book back up off the ground, Twilight continued to skim to the last page of the journal.

I know I've been acting crazy lately, and I regret that. Although most of the blame for the atrocities I've committed are solely my fault, I will admit to not having been entirely sane during the last few years. It's just that losing everyone you knew and loved, and the only thing you can do is just stand there and watch. It changes a person. I'm not saying this excuses my actions, but it is a problem. And with a problem there will be a solution. I'm sick of hurting, sick of thinking it's all I do.

-Wildfire

At least he seems to have somewhat recovered. What in Celestia happened over there? It must be pretty horrific to turn him into a sadistic monster. Picking up her saddlebags, she carefully slipped the journal into a pouch. She had time to make a few detours.

Arriving at the hospital, Snow passed through the window and reassembled in front of Wildfire. The first thing she noticed, his eyes usually glowed a healthy orange. At this moment, they seemed dull and gray. The bags that were ever present near his eyes seemed more prominent. At least, that's how he looked to her, for she could see straight through his disguise. Emitting a sigh, he was reading his 'book o' spells'. Are you okay? You seemed sad.

Looking up from his book, Snow noticed that he indeed had dropped the disguise and was in his natural form. "Pshaw, hardly, I just can't seem to get sleep since the nightmares returned. And i'm also looking for that retrieval spell to fetch my clothing."

Checking again, Snow confirmed that Wildfire was indeed au naturel, he had dropped the illusion spell. Are you mad? What if Flutterwhatever sees you like this?

With a loud huff, "Don't worry, Fluttershy checked out about an hour ago. I have the room to myself for a while. And even if someone is coming I'm watching the door."

Jumping into the spare bed, Snow sat down. What's your plan now anyways? Are we staying or are we leaving? I personally vouch for just marking this place down as an option.

Laying the book down, Wildfire stared outside the window. "I envy these ponies, their minds are uncorrupted by the horrors of violence. I'd rather stay, at least while I recuperate. Though in my opinion, I'd stay away from magic, Twilight made it sound as if anything without a horn here can't use magic. Buuut, since we are alone here, I'm gonna at least get my clothes and gadgets back here first."

Putting a clawed finger down on the spell he was looking for, he started the incantation. Mentally reciting the words that would allow him to retrieve his items. Snow, laying down, watched as a trickle of energy flowed back into the tired eyes of Wildfire.

With a flash of blue, the clothing fell into a bundle on Wildfire's lap. His gadgets soon followed with a soft thud. The reason he used this spell and not the one he already knew, was that this one did not require knowing the location of the items, while the other did. Quickly levitating them with his magic, he neatly packed them into his bags. "Please do me a favor, follow Twilight, she's probably going to take detours. Don't let her see you, don't interfere. Just watch and report back to me when she starts heading here. Pinkie Pie is gonna be hard, she seemed to know exactly where we were."

Nodding, Snow turned into mist again and exited through the window.

*********

"Hey Twilight! Whatcha doing' round here?"

"We need to talk. It's about Wildfire."

With her smile being replaced by a serious frown, Applejack came closer to Twilight.

"Ok, why do you want to talk 'bout him?"

I'll need to word this carefully.  "I'm pretty sure you and I both noticed that he's not a regular pony. I want to know what you think of him."

With her brows furrowed in concentration, Applejack thought over the idea.

"I thought there was something off about that fellow. From the first time I saw him, he gave away a feeling of danger. I'm not sure if these fears are based on nothin' more than my gut, but I'm torn right now about him. Sure he saved Fluttershy, sure he seems generous and kind. But it's just those eyes, there's something he's not telling us and that's why I don't trust him."

Handing over the booklet, Twilight instructed Applejack to read the entries. She showed her the better ones, the scarier ones. And finished with showing her the last entry. Looking up from the booklet, Applejack's eyes were clouded with thoughts and hidden expressions.

"What about now?"

"Sugarcube, you just made it harder for me to decide whether or not he's safe."

"And why is that so?"

"He's been through a lot, physically and emotionally. I'll give 'im that, but I just can't ignore the fact that he's probably insane. The journal just screams loneliness and hurt, but I still don't think he should stay here for long."

"And what is your final thought on him?"

"I honestly don't know. I feel like I understand him better, but that just makes him stranger in my eyes. I don't trust him farther than I could buck him."

"That's all I needed to know. Thanks Applejack!"

"Anytime, sugarcube!"

Trotting off from Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight still felt unsure about him. Little did she know, that from the shadows. Snow was listening to the entire conversation. Waiting until Twilight had passed, she once again was on the move.

**********

Ugh, I look absolutely terrible. If only those damned nightmares didn't keep me up. Staring at himself in a mirror, Wildfire was giving himself a good look-over. Snow was right, I do look like I'm dead. His ribs didn't hurt, though his wing still ached. If I ever need to go in a jiffy i'll be able to manage it.

***********

Twilight entered Carousel Boutique with a determined step. She saw Rarity traveling down the stairs to join her.

"Well hello Twilight! What brings you here?"

"I'm here to talk about Wildfire."

"Oh, what did he do?"

"Nothing, I just want your opinion of him."

"I think he is simply delightful! He is such a good listener and has more than half a brain when it comes to fashion, why are you asking me this?"

"Because I found this."

Handing over the journal, Rarity proceeded to read through it.

"Oh my! Are you sure this is the same pony?"

"That's what I thought too, but that explains why he was always so sad."

"Wait, he was sad?"

Rolling her eyes, "You were too busy gawking at his arm to see how uncomfortable he was, even after he still looked on the verge of tears. So, about that opinion."

***********

Finally! I get to leave that blasted prison. It had been a week since he had been hospitalized, and he was finally free to go. It had been surprisingly long, even with the reading and the listening in on Twilight's conversations about him. Just as he had suspected, Applejack decided to stay away from him, Rainbow Dash just glared whenever she saw him. Fluttershy was being Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Twilight he had no clue. Because Snow was discovered when Twilight was talking to Pinkie Pie, though Twilight was suspicious of the wolf she had no idea of the link the two shared. Rarity was the only one who had visited, though she was visibly uncomfortable in his presence. During one visit, she had asked,

"Wildfire, answer me this. That journal you had lost. We read it, did you really do all those things?"

Reluctantly, Wildfire admitted to the crimes, he also explained what led to his insanity.

"Y'see, my homeland was lost in a brutal war against orcs. They hunted down the last of us, I lost all my friends, family, I am the last one to remember the legacy of Itia. After I escaped, I decided to live off the grid, in hiding."

"How do you deal with it?"

Wildfire flared up, bottled up emotions pouring out. "Deal with it? I don't deal with it! I'm stuck in this hell that is life! I've tried every single way possible to kill myself, but nooooo. The rope had to be brittle, or the tide washed me ashore! It's a curse to live forever! Especially with this on my conscience!" Screaming now, Rarity had backed up into a corner, mouth agape. Sitting back down, Wildfire fought back the tears that were threatening to spill over. "Look, I'm sorry to have snapped like that, I guess I'm just jealous about how perfect everyone's life is over here."

Emerging from her stupor, Rarity gingerly stepped out from the corner, "Please, life is hardly perfect here. If you knew what happens around here you'd find that it's hard to live here at times, and what's this about living forever?." Scoffing, Wildfire gave her a disbelieving look, rolling his eyes.

Wildfire, calm down. Looking to his right, he saw Snow, looking back at him with worried eyes. I have an idea, how about we go hunting? That should take your mind off of things.

"Yeah, it would be good to have something other than yogourt in my stomach."

What's yogourt?

"No idea."