The Lost Girls

It actually feels like I fell asleep. Somewhere out there, I am lost in space and time. I am just gone. A pony with no mind.

But when I finally awaken and look over my shoulder, I notice the sun has risen a lot less than I expected. It still is not fully over the horizon yet even from this high of a perspective, yet time clearly did pass.

I also feel a little stronger now, or perhaps it's better to say I am in less pain. Since that is the case, I crawl along the cloud until I reach a point of the cloud that is higher than the other side. This sort of creates a lounge chair in the sky for me. From there, I struggle to turn myself about to face the sun again. I actually failed the first couple of times, but with the third attempt, I make a last burst of effort sufficient enough to face the sun.

Then all is quiet. All is still except some ringing in my ears. The winds are very gentle up here. It caresses softly through the fur of my hide and mane. It feels as if nature itself is lovingly saying, “Be at ease. You're safe now. I shall not let anything harm you.”

Tears erupt in my eyes again. Just being here already defies my expectations. I suffered through so much trauma recently that I've sort of forgotten what peace feels like. Besides, even before this, I've often lived my life on the edge of adventure. I pushed towards danger while most ponies would run or flap away from it. Such is my lot in life.

At this moment, however, I feel peace trying to settle into me but I don't know how to process it. The stillness. The quiet moment. Just the presence of all that is in this moment.

Emptiness.

It's like the air itself is also pausing to catch its breath.

My muscles relax. Ache steadily leaves me, but there is awareness I've crossed a threshold. Now that I've gotten this far, it's too late to go back. I can't move my muscles anymore right now. It's like I've been struck with rigor mortis.

Actually, maybe there is some truth to that. I am a vampony caught in the light of the sun. That kind of magic doesn't do well in these situations. Sure, the blessing mark on me is slowly working to reverse that process, but it recently started. The vast majority of my blood still leans on the dark side. While that remains true, it is powerless in the shine of the full sunlight.

So that's it. I simply can't move. I can think, but even that feels like such an effort because of how exhausted my emotions made me feel recently.

As I lay there, a few thoughts bubble to the surface of my mind. One of them is Nightmare Moon. I get the feeling she's still waiting for me down below, but her patience will eventually run out, especially considering the fact that she knows the light of the sun is about to hit her. She's just lingering for a few more moments in case she gets another chance to take me out, but eventually she'll flee. She'll probably teleport to who knows where. From there, she can start a new Brood and the nightmare will start all over again.

As I dwell on this thought, fatigue claims me again. It just feels too tiring to merely summon the emotion “worry”. With all the exhaustion I've suffered through, I don't have even that tiny amount to spare.

So I end up dismissing that thought. I resolve to worry about it later.

Then another thought drifts to the surface of my mind. It's something Doctor Van said.

“Courage is the defense against fear,” he once told me in a very serious tone. “And love is the fuel for courage. Constantly remind yourself precisely why it is important for you to remain strong as you face her.”

During the battle, I thought I did, but as I stare at the rising light of the new dawn, certain feelings and instincts rush to claim me. It still feels gentle, like it's asking permission to show me something before it shows me. Since I have nothing better to do at this moment, I allow it.

The visions and feelings that claim me after that seem to have a theme to it. It explores the essence of light magic. Immediately my feelings are drawn to my sister as the first example. The thorn in my hoof, yet a rose too beautiful for me to not love.

I vaguely recall what it felt like when I was first told I would have a baby sister. My parents tried to explain it to me, but I think the majority of it went over my head. The only thing I do recall is a feeling of responsibility sinking into my soul, and at the time, that was new for me.

That feeling only grew stronger when I was in the hospital and it was clear that something was wrong. Everypony was in a panic. I asked multiple times, in what little language I could command at the time, for an explanation on what was going on. But, no matter whom I asked, they told me not to worry while all the while rushing about and screaming as if the building was on fire.

It was only later in life that I learned there were some medical complications with the birth of my baby sister. Complications that followed her virtually her entire life, in fact.

The feeling of responsibility and love only grew stronger as the years passed even if part of me also wanted to chuck her out the window. I actually blamed her for forcing our parents to move to the ground and thus away from the source of my strength. The sky always beckoned me, but here I was . . . on the ground and needing to babysit my little sister. It was maddening.

As time passed and it became more and more clear that she'll never be able to fly, it became harder for me to look at her. A sense of guilt rushed to claim me whenever our eyes met. There was also this kiddish voice in my head that often said with relief, “I'm glad I'm not her, because I love the sky.”

Sometimes I paused to think how I would feel if I had been born as her. To look upon my older sister with painful envy. My older sister . . . the strong one. The one who could always do more than I could, and it seemed clear that would always remain the case. To never know the joys of flying through the air. To be trapped on the ground and forced to merely imagine what it was like. That must have felt so hollow while knowing there were others who could simply take off whenever they felt like it. The weak wings on my back probably would only serve as a reminder of how broken I am. It would just be a taunt. A symbol of being less than I should be.

There was one time, however, that I did carry my sister off into the air. It was not high and I had to do it without our parents permission. They were always worried about how fragile she was, and they were right. What I did back then was gravely irresponsible. It was a moment I later got harshly yelled at for. It was a moment I would never repeat again because of that.

Fortunately for us all, no actual damage was done. Our parents were merely complaining about how bad it could have been.

Nevertheless, I never forgot how much joy she felt back then. I remember she once said, “Look! I'm above the trees! I'm like a bird!”

She had never seen that perspective before except from tall buildings. She had never seen how things just shrink as we fly higher and higher.

I remember that the winds rushed to greet us gently. It felt like playful spirits that were thrilled to finally play with us up there. Charity said that too in one of her many poems since that day.

My relationship with my sister has always been bittersweet, I guess. Always a reminder of what she doesn't have. I think it isn't as bad in both directions as we grew up, but those seeds of bitterness were always there.

The worst thing about those negative feelings was that it also felt worth it because of the love we shared. It made us feel trapped in this uncomfortable situation. It's like I always had to say in my heart, “It is great to be with my beloved sister, but . . .” and the buts never end. Always more excuses. Always more chances for poison to linger in our relationship. We are like masochists, she and I. A sweet tasting poison we just can't help but keep on drinking no matter how much we know it will hurt us.

It's painful to admit, but I was happiest when I put her out of my mind and did it long enough to partially forget about her. It's like I'd always remember if reminded, but until then, she's been out of my mind long enough to become a habit. During those times, I experienced unparalleled freedom. Finally I could soar as fast and as high as I wanted without being burdened by a sense of guilt. I think I even relished that feeling so much, I grew reckless in it. When the glass ceiling finally shattered, I just couldn't wait to see how high I could go no matter how dangerous it might be to myself or others.

But my fall from the Wonderbolt Academy taught me that there are consequences for pushing myself too far. Specifically, I came to regret endangering others the most. Perhaps, by then, I needed that slap of humility, but it's still a painful lesson.

I actually was quite lost since that day until I found a new purpose for myself with the rest of The Washouts. Ever since then, my purpose was renewed, and this time, nothing held us back anymore as long as we kept to one very strict rule; we'll only willingly endanger ourselves or those trying to join us.

This was when my life really took off in a blaze of glory. We did together what we were meant to do, and we were all driven to find the limits of our potential. We'd been all over Equestria doing shows and other daring stunts, even when we didn't have an audience. We did it for practice and we did it for fun.

Like this one time we sailed into an ocean storm over Luna Bay. We rented a ship and just took off to sail into the jaws of the adventure! I remember my thrill as the waves splashed against me. Each time it knocked me down, I got back up. Because of the extra water I carried by then and because of the strain of my muscles, it became increasingly harder to do that each time. But each time I did get back on my hooves as if to challenge nature, “Is that it? Is that all you got? Come at me with everything! I dare you!”

Rolling Thunder felt the same way. She, too, was laughing her flank off with the sheer thrill of it all.

As for Short Fuse? Eh . . . he was being Short Fuse. Always complaining about this and that, but by then, I was used to it. I even found it adorable sometimes.

That was my life. Just the thrill of seeking the next challenge. Just the thrill of defying the next deadly stunt.

Oh, how the crowds loved us for it! The feeling was mutual. I loved them too. I loved the attention. I loved signing our posters for them. I loved flying over the crowd and slapping each of their extended hooves as I passed them. Every single one of them reminded me why I was there. Why all the work and effort we put forward was worth it. We didn't just do it for us. We did it for them. Looking up to a hero is a very big deal. It gives others hope and sometimes even inspires them when they feel weak.

But I never forgot my first fan that started this all; my sister. She was the first to cheer me on, and I was the first to be her hero. Sometimes . . . our relationship just worked for us. We each found our curious little niche.

That's life, isn't it? Everyday we learn something new. Everyday we grow. Everyday is a new chapter in our adventure.

I love it!

Just then, it occurs to me that I no longer feel weak. In fact, all of my vampony hunger is now gone. In its place is a sense of warmth. Of love.

Of light magic, I guess?

I widen my eyes as it further dawns on me that I'm not sure if there is anything in life I truly hate. The core of love has too much gravity beneath it. I love my sister for . . . gosh. All kinds of reasons, I guess. Too many to name despite all of our problems, or perhaps because of them?

I love Short Fuse and Rolling Thunder because I felt like I found my tribe with them. Not only did I get a sense of validation from them, but belonging. They were the partners in my adventures that I thoroughly enjoyed no matter how much Fuse complained. I could overcome this great challenge and feel explosive pride in myself. Then I looked to my right and/or left and they were there with me, enjoying this triumph along with me. It felt all the greater for it, and I felt secure that I had at least one witness. If anypony questioned me about it after that, I felt comforted by knowing I can say to them, “If you don't believe me, just ask them. They were there too. It's not just me.”

It's not just me!

Joy sinks into my heart when I realize I'm not alone in this journey after all. This great journey of life. Just like Rainbow, there are others beside me in my heart as well. I'm not alone.

That thought leads me back to Rainbow, the pony I least forgave in my life until Demise tortured my sister. As I sit here and think about it now, I wonder to myself why I held on to my grudge against Rainbow for this long. When I get down to it, the primary thing my ego latches onto was Rainbow was responsible for the loss of one of my greatest dreams.

But was she? Or did I just do this to myself? And if I had remained in the Academy, the results probably would have always been less than I accomplished later. I wasn't kidding when I told Rainbow, when I finally met her again, that being dropped from the Academy was a blessing in disguise. If that had not happened, I wouldn't have met Thunder and Fuse nor go on all those wonderful adventures together.

But back to Rainbow. Why the grudge?

She's supposed to be the Element of Loyalty. Heck, she was there when the Elements first awakened. She helped to take down Nightmare Moon.

Some of my bitterness against her stems from the fact I considered her a friend during the Academy, and she wasn't loyal to me. When I first met her, I was thrilled. It wasn’t just because she was somewhat of a celebrity. Saving the world is no small feat, but I was more curious about her ability to fly so fast that she could shatter the light spectrum. I wanted to know if I finally met the one who could keep up with me. The one who could thus understand me the best. The sky is our home, and we love to fly fast! To this day, I have never met another equal like Rainbow.

But she betrayed me. She got me kicked out of the Academy. All of those feelings I invested in her earlier turned to ash in my hooves. That was so painful.

In later years, however, I started to wonder how I would have felt if our roles were reversed. If it was my sister in that balloon that got swept up in a reckless tornado that Rainbow had started. For good measure, I could even toss in Fuse and Thunder in that balloon. Ironically all three are pegasi and two of them are even really good at it. However, for the sake of this hypothetical scenario, I'll just pretend that Fuse and Thunder have their wings injured and thus they couldn't fly in that particular moment. That actually happens often enough in real life to make that scenario realistic anyway.

So there it is. Those that I love the most in life, those that I value even above my own life, are about to die in front of me. The tornado snaps the ropes that secures them to the basket and they plunge to their deaths. I have just a few seconds left to save them or something will happen that is beyond my ability to tolerate. I can't even imagine how bad failure in that situation would be. The prospect is just too painful.

Then, to top it all off, it is Rainbow that offers me a hoofbump after all is said and done. She shows no shred of remorse. It doesn't even cross her mind. All she can think about is how thoroughly she blew the competition away. Literally! Doing so establishes her superiority so strongly that it felt like none had a chance to deny it.

In that hypothetical moment, however, when she offers me that hoofbump, all I’d likely be able to think about is she seems proud of the fact that she had just endangered my friends and family. I almost lost something so precious to me that I might have killed myself out of sheer depression afterwards if it had happened, and she has the audacity, the sheer nerve, to offer me a hoofbump in that situation?

In thinking about how I would have felt in her place and why, it causes me to realize that she must have felt like I betrayed her first. I didn't even notice until she got moody about it. Even when I did start to notice her displeasure, I thought I could salvage the situation. Failure really didn't occur to me until it slapped me in the face so hard, it changed my life.

I feel sympathy for Rainbow now because of what she went through back then. I also feel guilty for putting her in that situation in the first place. More than likely she considered me a friend too, but in the end, she was forced to come face to face with her own principals. Had she backed me up after everything that happened, Rainbow would have betrayed herself. She was even willing to back out of the Wonderbolts entirely when it seemed they only supported me and my goals.

I have to admit, if our situations were reversed, I think I would have done the same. If this Academy keeps on seeming to celebrate actions that endanger those that I LOVE . . . then I don't think I'd tolerate it either. At that point I'd feel as if the Academy betrayed me first and thus it is time to go no matter how much I looked up to them before. No matter how much it hurt me to back out. Probably like Rainbow, I never wanted to see myself as a quitter of anything, but sometimes a pony has to draw a line.

This feeling that glows inside me now . . . I wonder if this is how Rainbow felt every time she used her light magic in her most climatic battles. Just this feeling of love. Of care. Of this need to protect others. Is this why her rainbow shines so bright?

I finally pull out the potion vial that contains the essence of pure rainbow. At this moment it feels strongly symbolic. Pure light magic is in my hooves right now. Magic that not only fills this world with light, but multiple spectrums of light. Each color feels important to support the greater whole . . . and only together can it reach its maximum potential.

I look up as a powerful epiphany dawns on me. I finally know what to do with this potion vial.

“Rainbow,” I whisper softly as I press the potion vial against my forehead. “Be with me . . . Fly with me . . . one last time. For the sake of all those we hold dear to us, let's do this.” I grow a cocky smile. “Be my special wingpony one more time.”

Finally I stand up. When I do, I notice I feel stronger than ever before. It stems from this uplifting feeling floating in my chest. It's so strong that my body feels light by default.

Light . . . just like light magic.

Feeling resolved, I crouch down for a moment then burst into the air. I quickly reverse my course and gather the cloud I was resting upon. I also gather other bits of clouds and work to combine them. As I zip around them over and over again, I pour the potion vial into the combined clouds when I feel I have gathered enough. In doing so, I seed the cloud with the rainbow essence. Doing that starts a magical chain reaction. The rainbow essence floods through the clouds then eventually gets too heavy for the clouds to continue to support it. It would have rained the rainbow essence except I fly right through it. In doing so, I gather it up in my lightning wake.

Down below me, Nightmare Moon gazes up at me in astonished horror as she sees me zipping down with a trail of lightning and a rainbow. As I continue to fly down towards her, I feel myself pushing through something I can barely identify. It's very hard to push through this thing, whatever it is, but I hold my feelings close to my heart to give me an extra burst of determination.

Then I succeed. I break through the . . . Well. I don't really know what to call it. All I do know is I suddenly burst into a far greater speed than I have ever flown before. At the exact moment I do it is when I pass through Nightmare's smoky form.

Gazing back, I widen my eyes in awe and delight when I finally see the legendary Sonic Rainboom explode exactly where Nightmare is. Rainbow light spreads in every direction, but slowly this time. In addition, lightning arcs towards Nightmare in various different colors. All the colors of the rainbow keep zapping where the modified Sonic Rainboom started.

This overwhelms Nightmare because this is pure light magic. Her dark essence cannot regenerate from a blow like this. More importantly, it pushes her beyond the breaking point.

She falls down from the sky. As the black smoke around her fades away, I see it is now Demise that is falling in the sky.

With a lightning and rainbow trail continuing to follow me, I loop back around and catch her before she hits the ground.

I actually fly us much further from where we started, but due to my greatly accelerated velocity, we arrive there within minutes. When we do land, it is at a beach near, but not at, Pony Island. Ahead of us, the sun is about to rise.

With her in my forehooves, Demise starts to regain consciousness. She looks about her in confusion, gathering her surroundings. When she sees me, she gives me a bitter hiss.

“You should have let me die,” Demise tells me bitterly.

“Is that what you really want?” I ask her softly without a hint of malice in my voice.

It takes her a while to answer, but she eventually closes her eyes and simply says, “Yes.”

I nod in acceptance as I reply, “Then I will stay by your side to the end.”

That comment provokes her to open her eyes at me again. She stares at me in confusion before she asks, “What's wrong with you? You seem different.”

I smile softly as I ask, “What's wrong with me? Not a thing. In fact, at this moment, all I can feel is what is right with me, which is pretty much everything.”

Demise's chin wrinkles bitterly as she says, “So you're proud of the fact that you've annihilated my Brood, huh? You finally get to slay your hated heartless monster.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I'm just glad to spend these last few moments with a dear friend.”

Her confusion returns.

I laugh playfully and with pure joy before I shake my head and say, “It's hard to explain it, but I'm filled with light magic right now. It's wonderful. Beyond anything I can ever describe.”

She continues to stare at me in confusion and suspicion for a little while longer but her expression eventually softens as she asks me, “You really think I am a friend?”

“I do,” I reply with complete sincerity.

“Huh.” She looks down at the cresting sunrise now. “That's what I always wanted ever since I saw you.”

“Really?” I ask with delight.

“Yes,” she confirms. “I thought that maybe . . . you'd understand us. Understand me. I thought you'd understand our burdens and our plights.”

“I guess I do,” I say with a touch of uncertainty. “Certainly I do wish things had turned out better. In another life, perhaps, maybe . . .” I trail off. I feel tears rise to my eyes. It's curious. I feel so much joy in me, yet there is sadness too.

Several minutes pass between us in silence. During that time, we watch the ocean waves recede and come back. The rhythmic song of nature continues its dance ever onward.

“Can I ask you a question?” I ask as I continue to stare enchanted out into the ocean waves.

“You just did,” Demise mildly scoffs in a tone of amusement. When I look down at her to show how serious I still am, her amusement drops and she just nods at me.

“When was the last time you saw the sunrise?” I ask her.

The moment I ask, I see deep thought sink into her eyes as she searches back on her memories for that answer. In her case, if she was telling me the truth all along about how old she is, she has to search through a great deal of memories indeed.

“I . . . truly don't recall,” she eventually replies then shakes her head a bit. “That is kind of logical. Considering how old I am, that's like asking me to recall the moment I was born.” She slowly closes her eyes. “I do recall the time I was transformed into a vampony . . . and there are some memories I hold before that. Precious memories. Precious stones . . . but the sunrise isn't one of them. That really is too far back for me.”

She slowly opens her eyes as she beholds this sunset.

There's not much time, I realize.

“I don't even recall . . . the first time I realized that,” she muses further. “The first time I realized that I don't recall how bright it could be or the colors it can make in the sky. Right now . . . it sort of feels like I'm beholding it for the first time ever.”

“And what do you think?” I check with her.

She doesn't answer me right away. About another minute slides by as she just absorbs this experience before finally growing a dim smile and saying, “I like it. It's very pretty.”

She closes her eyes again as she takes a deep intake and exhales breath before adding very calmly, “I also feel peaceful . . . for the first time that I can ever recall.”

“Then be with that moment, Demise,” I encourage her. “From now on . . . this gift is yours.”

“Sakura Breeze,” she tells me mysteriously, which causes me to tilt my head curiously. She cracks her eyes at me as she explains, “That was my name before I became Demise.”

I smile down at her gently. I feel filled with gratitude that she was willing to share that name with me and that we're sharing this last moment together.

I close my eyes softly and bend down to kiss her forehead goodbye. As I do so, she also closes her eyes peacefully while the sunlight finally hits her directly. She bursts into flames, but gently. For some reason it doesn't hurt me either. If anything, she feels even more comfortable as the sun's rays claim her and washes away all the remains of her dark energy. In the end, her ashes scatter into the winds like black cherry blossoms caught in the breeze.

Now she's gone. There is no more weight on my forehooves.

I look up into the sky as I bid her goodbye. I wish for her to continue to find the peace in the afterlife that she didn't have in life.

Then I turn to face the rising sunlight fully. I smile at its gentle glow. I marvel at the beautiful pink clouds shining on the horizon.

As I continue to sit there and watch the light of the dawn sparkle off the waves, I notice a deep sense of inner peace settle in my soul. At this moment it feels like I'm inwardly much taller. Far more mature than I used to be. Along with that feeling is a sense of confidence that I can hoofle whatever else life decides to throw at me, and I'll be glad to meet that challenge. This latest journey has been very trying for me, but equally fruitful. I'm glad I took it, and I can't wait to find out what will happen to me next.

Just then, the ocean breeze gently passes through me. Curiously, I smell the scent of cherry blossoms within it. It actually feels like a message to me from Sakura's spirit. A message that basically thanks me for forgiving her. Because I did that, she was able to rest peacefully in the afterlife. Also, because I forgave her, it sets me free too.

I close my eyes and smile as joyful tears rise in my eyes. I savor this moment of peace, gratitude, inner peace, and freedom.

All of this is life. Just a beautiful life. These treasures have always been there. We just need to claim them.

When I wake up, I am surrounded by a curious sight. I could have sworn I fell asleep on the beach, but now I'm back up in the sky. I notice that night has reclaimed these lands, too.

Actually, it is a particularly beautiful night. Up above me, the stars twinkle very brightly. It's probably because the night sky between them is so very dark. I can even see stars up there that I don't always see.

My surroundings, too, are enchanting. The clouds I am on glow with a very luminous glow. This, in turn, draws my attention up where I see the full moon glowing softly and brightly.

“How pretty!” I marvel in a foal-like wonder.

I am surprised again when I see a beam of moonlight shoot down from the moon itself. It touches down on the clouds I am upon. Shortly thereafter, a cool mist rises above the clouds. It gets pretty thick, but it also glows because of the direct beam of the moonlight above.

Shortly later, out of that mist, steps a regal mare with a dark hide. Like Nightmare, she also has a chest guard but it's much smaller this time. Far less threatening, but it also supports the image of a crescent moon. She seems to be wearing glass horseshoes that proceed only an inch above her hooves. She wears a tiny black crown. Her mane and tail seem to be windows to the stars. Right now I can also see some twinkling lights near her person. She has her wings spread out to her sides just a bit.

“Princess Luna!” I cry in delight before bowing to her. Now this one is worthy of my respect and admiration. “Welcome.” I grin a bit as I add, “I suppose I was expecting you.”

“Please rise,” this wonderful mare says in a gentle voice. “You need not bow for me tonight. I am a guest in your dream, after all. I hope I am welcome.”

“You most certainly are, dear princess,” I say with delight as I indeed rise before her. “I repeat; welcome.”

“I shall not tarry long, at least not on this night,” she tells me. “For now, I have a simple message for you. One of a deeply personal nature.”

I feel a part of me brace myself the moment I hear that. When I calm back down, I nod for her to continue.

She nods back before she says, “I just wanted to say . . . thank you.”

I grow a soft smile as I continue to regard her, but it fades again when I notice tears start to rise in her eyes.

“Thank you for rejecting my false shadow,” she goes on to say as her voice grows less steady. She looks like she is struggling to keep her composure, but she's quickly losing. In the end, she can no longer meet my eyes. Her face wrinkles with pain and her wings lower as if she lost all of her strength to continue to hold them aloft. From her, I can sense these overwhelming feelings of guilt.

“Thank you for believing . . . in the real me,” Princess Luna finishes almost with a squeak on the last word. She barely gets those words out before she lowers her head and bursts into a sob. Her shoulders bob with each heave of her sob.

My soft smile towards her recovers, but this time tears rise to my own eyes. I feel so much sympathy and love for this mare. I just know in my heart some part of her continues to torture herself because of the atrocities she's done as Nightmare Moon. This latest escapade is likely yet another dagger into her gentle and loving heart. After all, a lot of ponies died horribly across these centuries because of the cultists of Nightmare Moon, not to mention all the damage the closing of the Red Moon on Nightmare Night must have done.

Unable to help myself, I trot next to her and simply embrace her with my forelegs and wings. When I do so, I feel a brief sort of resistance and stiffening from her as if she questions her worthiness of this action. In the end, however, her pain is too great. It is matched only by her desperate need for comfort and forgiveness. She finally settles into me and nuzzles her head gently over my shoulders as she continues to cry her pain away.