1/16
Hey Rainbow Dash here! Twilight said I should write here about interesting things that happen. I don't know if I will but when I'm a famous Wonderbolt I could sell copies of this as a biography. Anyways tryouts start tomorrow for the Wonderbolts! I'll be the first there right at dawn. Obviously I'll be accepted. My friends already planned a party for tomorrow evening. It's nice they believe in me too. Well I better get to bed so I can get up early.
Signed Soon to be Wonderbolt RD!!
1/18
I didn't get in. They said I was good but not good enough yet. Too risk taking and show boating or soemting something. I don't know I wasn't really listening. I got real lightheaded and there was like a distortion sound or something in my head. I couldn;t really hear anything for awhiel awhile. Friends are worried. I didn't show up to their party. I don't really feel like doing anything ever again. The wonderbolts was all I thought about mostly. I spent most of my life working hard and training to be one of them.
I did a sonic rainboom when I was 9 for Celestia's sake! They must be so stuck up if they think I'm not good enough. I bet they are just scared of how I'm better than all of them! Ignore that. I got a bit mad. My friends are trying to make me more humble though so of course I'm not better than anypony else. Anyways yeah I trained all my life and still wasn't good enough. It really really hurts. Spitfire said I'm more than welcome to tryout again in the future, but that's not for another 5 years! I don't know if I'll be able to keep my speed up that far in the future.
Pegasi usually start slowing down by 30. I don't think I'll be able to keep the same speed then as now. So if I'm not fast enough now I won't be then either. I don't think I wanna fly ever again anyway. The stupid wings let me down. Or I let myself down. I don't even know anymore. I just know I'm so worthless. I'm gonna quit my weather job and ask Twi if I can stay with her. If I decide to stop flying I won't be able to get in my house anymore. I gotta find a new job too now. Eventually. I just feel like sleeping for moons right now.
2/25
Saw all my friends earlier today. We didn't really speak mostly they just hugged me. I wish it helped. I haven't seen them in awhile. Well except for Twi. I was kinda avoiding them. I missed them though. I guess I'm glad Twilight invited them over. I can tell they all feel bad for me which made me mad. I don't want any pity. Pinkie wanted to throw a party for some reason. I think a 'RD comes out of hiding' party. Luckily the girls told her no.
I wasn't even in hiding anyway really. I feel kinda bad for making Twi let me stay here. She said it's no trouble but still. I accidentally spilled mustard on some of her books and she got pretty mad. I took over Spike's chores as a way to pay her back since I don't have any bits since I quit my job. Spike seems fine with it, he has more time to read or hang with Rarity now. I got him to help tie my wings down so I don't get any tempation temptation to fly.
4/3
I got into a fight yesterday. With Applejack. She had said something about me just sulking at this point. I'm not even sulking it will just take a long time to feel better after having all my dreams and everything I worked for destroyed! I don't think I'll ever really get over it honestly. And then she tried to take off the ropes holding down my wings! And she said never flying again was ridiculous and childish can you believe it?! I got really mad and tried to beat her up but since I'm not training anymore, I'm pretty weak so I got whooped. I kinda regret it. She's still my friend, I shouldn't beat her up. Even if she's stupid and mean.
4/5
Twilight yelled at Applejack for me. It made me more mad. I can defend myself. And I just wanna forget the whole thing but she brought it up again by telling AJ to come over and then yelling about my black eye. It's not even a big deal. I'm avoiding them both now. And Rarity too. She's obsessed with making me stuff now. It's super random stuff too like coasters and stuff. I don't know what her deal is but she's being a bit much.
It's hard to avoid Twi in her own castle especially when she has a spell to be alerted when somepony enters the castle. She said it acts like an alarm with intruders and during the day she can know when somepony comes in and she can go help them find whatever they need. The castle is huge so lots of ponies having gotten lost looking for the library or some other room. Anyways yeah it's hard to avoid her here. She keeps following me around. So I asked Fluttershy if I can crash at her place for a few nights until I stop being mad. She said it was fine.
4/7
Something weird happened earlier. I'm back at Twi's place and today she kinda confessed that she likes me. Like likes me. It was out of left field but I was pretty relieved to be honest. I never told anyone but I had a crush on her for awhile now. So I guess we're together now. I don't really know since we didn't really talk much about it. I did tell her I feel the same though. I think I should talk to a professional pony. Like I should be super totally happy about this right? Being with Twi was my second dream after being a wonderbolt. But I don't feel anything. I still feel nothing. Just empty I guess. I miss being happy. Or being anything.
4/13
Pinkie dragged me out of the castle today. She said she had something to help me. I thought it was just her parties again but she took me to the Everfree. It was pretty creepy. I don't know how Fluttershy living beside that place. She's not that afraid as I thought. Anyways I got kinda scared. Pinkie said it was fine though and she wasn't worried so I relaxed. There was a weird hole in the ground and she went in it. At first I thought she fell in so I freaked out but her head poked out and said she's fine and to follow her so I did. The hole led down to a pretty cave underground. It was cool. There was a bunch of ponies in there. Pinkie stayed at my side and brought me to this one tall pony and asked if I could attend a meeting. The pony said yeah. I don't know what Pinkie's dragging me into. I hope it's nothing bad. I'm go with her tomorrow to that meeting.
4/15
That club is okay I guess. Pretty weird though. I joined after that meeting mostly because Pinkie insisted. She said it gets better and is cool. I can always just ditch if things get too creepy. I had to take a weird oath of secrecy. It's like a top secret spy club or something. Pinkie got promoted in the club because she recruited me which is good for her I guess. Anyways I helped Fluttershy out earlier and she paid me some bits so now I can buy some junk food for myself instead of the healthy stuff Twi is making me eat. Oh yeah and we're officially dating now which is nice I guess. I still can't feel anything. I went and apologized to AJ as well.
5/9
Okay so it's been awhile. I've been pretty busy though. Basically I started spending more time in that cave with Pinkie. She's there alot. I got more interested in the club. The leader is Sage, a unicorn. She's kinda helping me get better at writing. I'm not good with words. She's pretty cool. I even recruited somepony, Bulk Biceps. So now me and Pinkie are on the same level and we made it a competition of who can recruit more ponies.
I guess I should explain a bit about the club so it doesn't seem so weird. It's supposed to be secret but nopony would read this so it's fine. Basically Sage goes around and blesses us. I think she used to be a priest. And then we have to go out and do something nice. It's more fun than it sounds. And sometimes we get super top secret spy missions. Like a week ago, Sage had somepony go out and find out what Derpy was doing all day. I think it's mostly to keep us from being too bored. I love those missions and pretending to be a spy for Luna.
5/15
Me and Twi got into a big fight. It's the same as the one with AJ. She got upset about my wings being tied. I barely even notice it anymore honestly. I don't understand why it's such a big deal. At least Sage understands me. All the girls, even Pinkie keep bugging me about it. I'm so sick of it. So I yelled at Twi and ran away. Sage had invited me to live with her more permanently after she heard I'm living in Twi's.
I think she does that with all the club members without a home. There's a surprising amount of homeless members. Sage says they're the most in need of her blessings, so she seeks them out more often, but she still accepts anypony. I wasn't going to take her offer, but after this fight I just ran there and told her okay. It was spur of the moment. I'll have to go get my stuff from the castle sometime soon.
5/15
Dear Diary,
I'm so worried about Rainbow. She's disappeared after the fight we had. It was my fault really. I know how sensitive she is lately. I shouldn't have pushed her. It just hurts me so much to see her like this. I don't know what the girls and I can do to help. She just pushes away all our attempts. I hope she's alright. She's likely somewhere calming down, and she'll be back soon. I miss her.
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle
5/17
I asked Pinkie if she could get my stuff from Twilight's for me. I don't think I can face her after my decision. If she really loves me, this will break her heart and I can't do it myself. I asked Pinkie to tell Twi that I'm dumping her. She didn't want to but agreed when I explained when I can't do it myself. I know I'm a coward. I shouldn't send anypony to do my dirty work, I should do it myself. But I can't do it. Not to Twilight. But I also can't be with somepony I feel nothing for. I know how I should feel about her, about all my friends. But it's not quite there. It's like an old memory. I can remember how I used to feel but it's so weak. Certain things are fading. I miss my feelings. But I don't even know what missing something feels like. I'm so confused.
5/19
Diary,
I made a big mistake. I think I pushed Rainbow out of my life- all of our lives, potentially- forever. When Pinkie arrived, saying that Rainbow decided time away was best, I was fine with it. Well, not fine obviously, but I understood and was willing to let her have her time alone. But then Pinkie said she was breaking up with me. I admit, I got pretty emotional hearing that. It's just that she means so much to me. I love her. And now, after I had finally worked up the courage to tell her my feelings, she cuts me loose after a fight, where I expressed my concerns for her well-being? So, I screamed. A bit dramatic, perhaps but it's all I could think to do at the time.
Pinkie truly looked remorseful then shaken when I lashed out at her. Why couldn't Rainbow tell me herself? We could have talked it through, and hopefully worked things out. But no. I do regret my actions but you must understand how hurt I was. I wasn't entirely thinking straight. I called the girls together and told them of Rainbow's declining mental state, which I had been keeping quiet about, for fear of her reaction. I told them that she had disappeared and that we had to find her quickly. Pinkie seemed alarmed and asked us to stop, but no one listened. They were desperate to find Rainbow Dash. I was too, but for a different reason. They wanted to make sure she wouldn't hurt herself. I knew she wouldn't, I wanted to find her to make her see my point of view and stay with me.
Selfish, I know. It doesn't matter though because I failed. I think we all did. We failed the ultimate test of our friendship and now she is lost to us. We found her outside the market. She wouldn't even look at me. Just looked at Pinkie with a look of surprise. I was still emotional at this point, so I got into her face and asked what she was thinking. She ignored me. The girls seemed surprised at my outburst. Rainbow finally looked at me but her eyes were empty. Not like before. Before, there was something there. Whether she was pretending or not, I still don't know. But I saw in that moment. In the cold empty magenta of her eyes. Nothing. No emotion. No care in the world. She's been hurt far worse than I ever knew. I think something snapped in her after our earlier fight.
Before that, I had seen small glimpses of emotion. But now, it was all gone. She told me in this cold, flat voice that she was sorry to hurt me this way but that she didn't feel anything for me. She looked at the girls and told them quite plainly that she didn't care for them either. Fluttershy began to cry but still that coldness remained. She said we shouldn't be friends anymore and that she didn't want to see us anymore, then she just turned and walked away. All of this is my fault.
7/3
I haven't had much to write about lately, but something interesting recently happened. I ran into the girls out in town. They ran to me and began peppering me with questions. Twilight and Fluttershy were crying. I so wish I could feel what I used to. But there's no going back. I am pleased to say that I have begun to have small inklings of emotion again. But not for my old friends. My new friends, in the club. Lyra, Vinyl, Sage, Pinkie and Bulk. My old friends kept asking about me. I do look rather odd. I've done a lot to help Sage and recruited lots of ponies, so I'm one of her closest friends. She gives all of her inner circle matching clothes, to help differentiate us. It's like a status symbol.
My mane and tail are shaved as well. Ah, and my wings. They atrophied from lack of use for so long and so they're crippled now and unusable. Small shriveled things. Pathetic. I honestly don't remember the feeling of flying, just that I used to live for it. I don't know why. I've been living just fine without it. Sometimes I do dream of flying again though. It's impossible now. I just ignored my old friends but they wouldn't leave and so eventually I had to lose them. I couldn't lead them to our cave. We had an intense chase through town. I lost Fluttershy in the pet shop, after I knocked over a fish tank. She stopped to help put them back in water. Rarity fell behind as dirt got kicked into her eyes accidentally, blinding her.
It was just me and AJ and Twi. Twi was easy enough to ditch. I'm pretty thin so I managed to squeeze into a manhole cover into the sewer. AJ muscled her way in after me but Twi couldn't fit. I don't know why she didn't teleport in. I imagine she doesn't know the sewer layout very well and was afraid of misjudging her teleport. Anyway, it was just me and AJ in the sewer, and she was gaining. I knew I wasn't fast enough to lose her. After a few minutes, she got close enough to tackle me. We rolled down a steep part of the sewer and slammed into the wall down there. AJ was on top and she was so angry. So was I. She kept me pinned and was demanding answers.
I tried to talk her down, I really did. But with each passing second, I was getting more angry. Eventually when AJ saw I wasn't going to talk, she let me up. I don't think she knew what I'm capable of. How far I've fallen. She was panting with the effort of holding me down. She half turned away, lowering her hat over her eyes as she began to utter an apology. I wasn't even listening. Before she could finish speaking, or know what was happening I had ripped her throat out with my teeth. She looked so scared and betrayed as she died. She tried to crawl away, but I wouldn't let her. A part deep inside of me almost feels regretful that I murdered one of my old friends. But mostly, I don't care.
11/5
Pinkie has left the club. Sage said she's betrayed us all. I think it's my fault. I told Pinkie the truth of what happened to Applejack. I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. Everypony in Ponyville thinks she got killed by a rat apparently. None of them can imagine somepony murdering another. Pinkie was very disturbed by what I did. I would be too, in the past. But I can never be that soft naive Rainbow Dash again.
I'm not even Rainbow Dash anymore technically. All of us, Sage's inner circle, were required to get new names to make it harder to identity us. I just go by Bow now. Rainbow Dash is dead. Sage is quick to say Pinkie must die. I guess she does know too many secrets. But, she's my oldest and best friend now. I feel for her what I can no longer feel for the girls. It will be so hard to kill her, but if Sage orders it, I'll do it. I hope she's smart enough to run far far away where none of us can find her.
11/9
Sage found Pinkie. She knocked her out and tied her up. She's in the bathrooms now. Please Celestia don't make me have to kill her.
11/10
Pinkie Pie is dead. It was the worst, hardest thing I've ever done. I threw up but Sage was sympathetic. I wish it was quick, but Sage made sure she suffered. She was crying and begging me to help her. Eventually I was allowed to put her out of her misery.
RIP Pinkamena Diane Pie 1738-1764
4/18
Today, Sage called her inner circle into her chamber. She had news about the new elements of harmony. Apparently Fluttershy has stepped down as kindness, and left Ponyville. She's been replaced by Cheerilee. Me, AJ, and Pinkie have been replaced by Octavia, Apple Bloom, and Cheese Sandwich, respectively.
Octavia doesn't even know her wife is one of us. Vinyl is damn good at what she does. She's being manipulated into helping us, "the murderers of friendship" and she doesn't even know! It's pretty funny. I hate being called a murderer. I mean, it is true now but back then? I didn't murder me and the girls friendship, they did. Twilight did. By ganging up on me and not leaving me the buck alone. Right? I've been having doubts lately.
5/5
I decided to end all of this. I made one mistake, and now Sage is saying I'm no longer worthy of being her right hoof mare. I hope she can find somepony better to replace me after I'm gone. I've done many terrible things, but I don't regret any of it. I gave Sage my life, my love, loyalty and it was all worth it just to be her friend. I would do it again in a heartbeat. My other friends have been great as well. I'm going to miss them all much. I'm going to do one last thing for Sage before I disappear. I'm going to kill Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight Sparkle walked slowly up the hill and came to a stop underneath the tree at the top. She sat down and sighed. "Hi girls." Beside her were four tombstones, bearing the names of Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rarity. The fourth was further away from the others and in worse condition. The other three were clean and well cared for, but the fourth one had a cracked and dirty stone and graffiti all over it.
The name was barely legible under all the horrible words ponies had written over it. The name on that tombstone was Rainbow Dash. Twilight turned her head so she could see her friends graves with her good eye. One of her eyes was clouded over and blind. The last act of treason Rainbow had ever committed. Coming to assassinate Twilight in her sleep. She had sliced open her eye before Twilight's guards had ran her through with bayonets. Twilight still held no anger towards her old friend. She knew Rainbow had been manipulated, and that the cult leader Sage, was mostly at fault for all the misery and death. But very few ponies agreed with Twilight's sentiments.
They insisted that Rainbow was a grown mare capable of making her own decisions and that she knew right from wrong. She chose to be evil. Twilight visited their graves quite frequently, and everytime she did, there was more trash to clean up from Rainbow's grave. She couldn't blame her ponies for their anger. She would hate Rainbow too, if she didn't know how good she used to be and all the good, fun times they had together. The six of them, the original Elements of Harmony. Three of them murdered, one commited suicide, one blind and slightly senile, and one jaded and distant. How far they all had fallen.
Author's Note
Any punctuation or grammar errors are intentional, as this is partly RD's diary so it's written as her, mistakes and all.
