Ocellus' Flirting Skills Are Trash

by Mind Jack

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Ocellus, Comedy, Smolder
Length: 2445

Ocellus tries to figure out Smolder's romantic interests.

Ocellus is absolutely smitten with a certain orange dragoness. She's determined to turn herself into Smolder's perfect match. To do that, she needs to do some experiments.

In the process, she'll become very familiar with the School of Friendship's garbage cans.

A commission for Trinary.

Published 2022-10-23 17:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-10-23 17:50:00 UTC

Experiment Log

A plan was being brewed at the School of Friendship.

Amongst the halls of that most sociable of institutions, a lone, blue changedling marched back and forth in a closet, careful to step over and around the mops she'd knocked over getting in here.

"Alright Ocellus… You can do this!" She whispered. "It's just like a research mission, and it's on a subject you adore! There's nothing stopping you from snatching that heart, other than lack of knowledge! That. Changes. Today."

She stepped towards the door, but stopped. "What if I get caught? What if my intel gathering is faulty?" Ocellus worried. But her wings buzzed determinedly, blowing away her doubts. "No! I'm gonna craft the perfect personality! I'll plan every little detail, down to the smallest one!"

After several more false starts, and plenty more doubts, Ocellus finally made it out of her planning closet.

She was in the library, and her subject was in sight: an orange dragoness, with a purple frill on her head. Her scales are like fire, and that little frill is as bright as a field of violets!

At one time, her species may have longed for a heart made of crystal. But the only heart Ocellus wanted belonged to that dragon. The young changeling practically had hearts in her eyes as her own soared. She would craft the perfect persona to win Smolder's love!

The library was mostly empty today. Perfect for her purposes. Ocellus shifted into a yellow filly with a dark orange mane, facefull of freckles, and purple glasses. Test one: Intelligence.

Ocellus needed to know what Smolder liked in a person if she was going to craft a personality to fairly win her love. It was a very old changeling tradition: both partners altering themselves to fit each other. Smolder didn't have to change a thing, so it was up to Ocellus to make herself perfect.

"Hello!" She greeted in a nasally, shy tone. "I-I'm new here! C-could you help me?"

Smolder glanced up, looking irritated only for a moment, before taking a breath. "Sure thing. Watcha need?"

"I'm having a little trouble keeping up with the curriculum!" She made sure to use big words to signify intelligence. "I-I was hoping you'd help me study a little?"

Now Smolder actually smiled. "You don't gotta be nervous asking for something like that. C'mon. Grab a seat, and I'll show you what we're working on right now. What's your name?"

"I'm Beehive!" Ocellus replied, sitting down and bringing out the book bag she'd prepared. She was already well-versed in all of it, and knew they'd been studying a mix of Generosity and algebra this week.

"Nice to meetcha, Beehive! So, right now we're going on the right amount of your money to give to someone who needs it. So if X is how close you are to the other person…"

Ocellus, as Beehive, acted attentive and diligent. She asked all the right questions, and got caught up quickly.

"You're doing pretty good!" Smolder remarked. "I had trouble with all this at first."

"Maybe I should be tutoring you," she teased back.

Smolder frowned. "You calling me stupid?"

"Nah," she said, waving a hoof. "I'm just really smart. Smarter than most people, in fact."

There. She had both shown and explained her intelligence. Now she just needed to record the response.

Smolder's frown deepened. "You're coming across as kind of a jerk."

Oh no! She thinks I'm showing antisocial behavior! I need to reestablish intelligence as my primary trait!

She patted Smolder on the head comfortingly. "Not at all! I love tutoring people! Dragons often lack basic education."

Smolder's reaction to her showing of social intelligence was quick and definite, and Ocellus quickly found Beehive stuffed headfirst into the library garbage can.

Test successful! Smolder is not attracted to intelligence!

Little hearts floated out of the garbage can. And she's so ferocious!

Ocellus took a brief moment between class periods to clean herself up. Garbage absolutely could not be good for her carapace, and even if Smolder wouldn't be seeing it during her research, she needed to keep herself presentable regardless.

In her next free period, after asking some passersby where Smolder had gone, Ocellus prepared her next identity in the gymnasium.

This time, Smolder was shooting hoops on the basketball court. It was a popular game among griffons and dragons, their equivalent to Equestrian buckball.

Test two: Athleticism and Confidence!

With the negative results of the first test, Ocellus needed to move more quickly if she was going to woo her future dragon date. So she was going to test two qualities at once for this experiment.

Ocellus chose a dragon this time, though she couldn't use her usual dragon form. Female, but still a little bigger and bulkier than Smolder. Green scales, with yellow ridges down her back. She looked brutish, but approachable. Perfect.

But appearance wasn't all Ocellus needed this time. She needed to perfect her attitude. Her body language.

She had been practicing for a few minutes when the door to her hiding place opened.

Her disguised self and Professor Rainbow Dash stared at each other for a moment. "Who are you, and why are you… strutting and swaggering around in the gym supply closet?"

Ocellus glanced up at her, panicking. "You saw nothing."

Then she flew past her.

Rainbow stood there, silently, until she just shrugged. She closed the door, and locked it. Then she started practicing her flexing and posing.

Meanwhile, the momentary dragon approached the permanent one. "Playing by yourself, huh?"

Smolder made a basket, before glancing back. "Oh hey. You new too?"

"Yeah. Just showed up today. Figured I'd try and make a new friend for extra credit."

"Huh. Lotta new people here recently. Anyway, wanna play some one-on-one? Kinda boring just shooting hoops."

Ocellus had extensively studied the hive mind's data on basketball to prepare for this. She was confident that she wouldn't make a fool of herself. "You know it!"

"Got a name?" Smolder asked.

"I'm Furnace," Ocellus replied. "Just moved out here a few days ago. Started today."

Smolder passed her the ball. Ocellus didn't have the muscle memory to be very skilled, but her current form had the raw muscle, and a height advantage. She took a shot over Smolder's head.

But to her surprise, the dragoness took flight, catching the ball and dunking it herself. "Too slow!"

Ocellus caught the ball before it hit the ground, then flew up to make a dunk too. "I'm fast enough!" she taunted.

Smolder laughed as they chased after the bouncing ball. Ocellus' heart soared. A positive result! Smolder liked athleticism and confidence!

They both caught up to the ball at the same time. Ocellus, being in a larger form than she was used to, accidentally shoulder-checked Smolder, but caught the ball first nonetheless.

“Hey!” Smolder snapped. “Watch it! No contact!”

Oh no! I made her mad! I should calm her down by exhibiting a trait she’s responded positively to!

She gave a challenging grin. “Aww! You play it no contact? That’s adorable.” Smolder would respect her more if she implied she played a more dangerous version of the sport.

But Ocellus must have miscalculated somewhere, because Smolder’s face twisted with rage. “What did you just say?”

Ocellus had to hide her confusion. Smolder had just responded positively to confidence and athletic prowess, and she’d just expressed both! Why was Smolder angry?

This required further testing. “I said I don't play the same weak, dweeb version of basketball everyone else does.”

Had Ocellus been able to read Smolder’s mind, she’d have known that Smolder was having a rather bad day. Her studying for the upcoming test had already been interrupted by some uppity filly who thought she was smarter than her, leaving her too angry to continue studying. Now this lump of a musclehead had interrupted her trying to blow off steam!

As a result, “Furnace” got a facefull of the steam she’d jumped into. Or, to be more precise, she experienced Smolder grabbing her by the tail, spinning her like a shot-put, and hurling her into the gym’s trash can with perfect accuracy.

Smolder stomped out of the gym, hoping to find somewhere she could actually cheer up.

Little pink cartoon hearts floated out of the trash dragon. She’s even stronger than I thought! She even threw a dragon that was bigger than her!

This was a complete, unmitigated disaster. A scientific stumping! A romantic roadblock!

After her goo-goo eyes had worn off, she had sought out her next planning lair, where she had come to a horrifying realization.

Her data was… INCONCLUSIVE!

Smolder had reacted both positively and negatively to both traits she had exhibited so far. She was practically still at square one!

And to make it even worse, she had found Smolder in a position of great threat to her romantic pursuits.

She opened the door to her lair to peer out.

In the cafeteria, Smolder was smiling and laughing with two of their other friends. Gallus, the usually surly blue-and-yellow griffon, was telling some kind of story that was making Smolder and Silverstream, the pink hippogriff, laugh uproariously.

Their happiness wasn’t what bothered Ocellus as she closed her lair door again. It was how quickly Smolder’s bad mood had faded when she got in their presence. Was she interested in one of them? Did Ocellus have competition that she didn’t know about?

Gah! I can’t think! Why is it so cold in here?

The door opened. “Ocellus, sweetie?” asked one of the cafeteria mares. “Why are you in the freezer? You’ve been in there an awful long time.”

“Sorry ma’am!” Ocellus said. “Just trying to plan my research on how to woo Smolder.”

“Why don’t you just go talk to her?” the cafeteria mare suggested. “If you want to know what she likes, you could just ask her directly.”

Ocellus froze. I could just… ask her?

Eureka! That was it! That was how she could know for sure what Smolder liked!

But she had to be subtle. She couldn’t just do it directly. She would get Smolder alone, but then she would have to use finesse!

“Thank you cafeteria person!” Ocellus gave the mare whose name she didn’t remember a hug. “You’re a lifesaver!”

Then she zipped off. She was on a mission.

Her two friends and hopefully soon-to-be-special-somedragon had quieted down, and were just enjoying build-a-sandwich day.

“Hey Ocellus!” Silverstream greeted. “Gallus was just telling us the banana story!”

“I still can’t believe that many wolverines love bananas…” Gallus muttered.

“Hi guys!” Ocellus greeted. “Hey, Smolder, do you have a minute? I need your help with something.”

“Sure!” Smolder agreed, hopping down. “I wanna get out of the cafeteria before any of the new kids I ran into today show up.”

Success! Ocellus led Smolder back to her room. Knowing Smolder would enjoy it, Ocellus put a kettle of tea out.

Smolder poured a cup, and took a long, slow sip. She let out a fiery belch, and a satisfied sigh. “Thanks. I really needed that. So what do you need help with?”

“It’s… a project,” Ocellus said, heavily using improv. “I’m supposed to interview someone on their… romantic interests.”

Smolder blinked. “Uhhhh… is this anonymous?”

"Huh? Oh. Yeah. Right. Don't worry. Your name won't be anywhere on it."

"Alright. Cool. I'll do it then. Since you're cool."

Eeeee! She thinks I'm cool!

Smolder stared into her cup."I guess I don't really know what I like. I don't exactly have a type. Maybe it'd be easier if I start with what I don't like?"

Ocellus nodded eagerly, producing a notepad and pencil. This was so much easier!

"I can say for sure that I don't like the two jerks who I ran into today," Smolder muttered. "Some idiot new kids who seemed cool at first, but then kept showing off and acting cocky."

Wait, she didn't like when I showed the primary traits intensely? I thought she just didn't like those traits.

"Sorry if I'm ranting," Smolder said, pouring a fresh cup. "Had a rough one today. How are you doing? I've hardly seen you today."

"I've been kinda bad too," Ocellus admitted. "Had to shower twice to get garbage off myself. Getting plastic cups out from under my chitin plates isn't easy."

"Wait, why were you in the—" Smolder visibly put it all together. "It was you. You were those two dweebs I trashed."

Ocellus made a sound similar to a guilty sheep as she did her best to look innocent. "Whaaaaat? Noooo!"

"Were you doing research on me for this paper of yours?" Smolder snapped, anger rising.

"Wait wait no!" Ocellus waved her hooves frantically. "You've got it all wrong!"

Smolder forced herself to calm down. "Then you'd better have a good reason."

"I…" Ocellus gave a defeated sigh. "I have a crush on you. I was trying to find out what kind of people you like… so I could ask you out."

Smolder's jaw dropped little by little as she went on.

"...It's kinda how we changelings court each other. I was testing aspect by aspect and—"

Smolder put a 'shush' finger over Ocellus' lips. "Cell, you are the dumbest smart girl I know. That isn't how dating works with other species."

"It's not?" Ocellus said, tilting her head like a curious puppy.

"No. Here. Lemme show you. Do you wanna go out with me?"

"Well, yes," Ocellus replied. "That's why I did all this."

"Well there you go," Smolder said. "We're dating now."

"Wait, WHAT?" Ocellus was panicked. "But I'm not ready! I don't know what kind of person you want me to be!"

"I want you to be you, doofus," Smolder teased. "You don't have to change yourself to please me. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Wanting someone to change like that isn't healthy for either of us."

Ocellus put a hoof to her head. "Social norms give me a headache…"

"Well, school's almost out for the day," Smolder pointed out. "Nothing treats a confused headache like a good burger. Wanna go grab one?"

"Yeah. That sounds…" Ocellus trailed off. "...Is this a date?"

"Well duh," Smolder confirmed.

Ocellus started making a high-pitched whine, which turned into a happy squee. She pounced on Smolder, intending to hug her.

She accidentally knocked the dragoness over, and the two of them fell into the medium trash bin next to the table.

Smolder, now being upside-down snuggled by the powder blue bug amongst crumpled up homework papers, sighed, then smiled. "At least this day hasn't been totally trash."