Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria

by Stalin with Da Spoon

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Tirek, Thriller, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6
Length: 24454

It was supposed to be another normal switch-a-roo, where Black Spy thinks he has beaten White Spy, but gets the tables turned on him. This time however, the tables were turned on both of them, and they're both stuck in a magical technicolor world!

It was supposed to be another simple and run of the mill switch-a-roo, where Black Spy thinks he has beaten White Spy once again, but gets the tables turned on him as always. This time however, the tables were turned on both of them, and they're both stuck in a magical technicolor world! Not only that, but this world actually has... Morality, peace, and order? That's impossible! And for once, the two spies finally agree on something, something of utmost importance that has to be done. This world is far too peaceful...

It's time to go MAD and show these friendly little ponies some true mayhem! And maybe kill and sabotage each other while they're at it...

Based on the MAD Spy Vs. Spy Tv Show.

Published 2022-10-25 23:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2025-02-12 22:24:57 UTC

1. The Portal Problem

The Arctic.

A desolate place, almost devoid of any intelligent forms of life or civilization, filled only with tall pine trees and monumental mountain ranges with their peaks as well as the ground coated in a deep lair of snow.

It seemed impossible for anyone to live or work out here, let alone want to even be out here.

And yet, there is one person who defies the impossible daily and gets paid to do it. And as we pass through the snowy blizzard flowing over the landscape, we see a lone snow covered sign as an unknown individual wipes away the frost obscuring the bold text...

'White Spy Arctic Test Site. Authorized Personnel Only. No Black Spies Allowed!'

Of course, there is only one person who would come all the way out here to take this White Spy down, one shrouded in their black uniform and hat. The Black Spy had a rather simple mission, and as he pulled out a clipboard, one with multiple objectives.

Step 1. Find Secret Test Site
Step 2. Get Inside.
Step 3. Recover Secret Intel.
Step 4. ELIMINATE THE WHITE SPY.

The figure placed a check mark next to Step 1, before snickering to himself as he circled Step 4, for it was the most important part of the mission, as well as his favorite. After all, he had gotten his head chopped off on his last mission. It was about time for old White to get a taste of his own medicine, as Black Spy brandished an Ice Axe he held in his hand, before pulling out a pair of binoculars to look through the blizzard towards his objective.

There, obscured by the ice and snow, was a tall metal wall, and within that wall was both his great arch-enemy, and that sweet juicy top secret intelligence. Considering the fact this test site was all the way out here in the arctic, White Spy obviously had to be working on something both powerful and secret. Though Black Spy had to be sure that he played this safe, remembering the last time he was in arctic as he was blown up an Igloo battle tank.

As he approached the tall walls, he looked up to see that they were indeed, very tall. However, as he pulled out his most trusted gadget, not even the tallest of walls would be able to stop him. His rusty trusty grappling hook, given to him after his first time killing the White Spy. As he fired it up over the side of the wall, he heard the distinct metal clink, indicating it was hooked into place, as the hook's cable began to reel itself in, bringing Black Spy up with it.

As he hopped down off the wall and into the deep snow, he saw a... Rather pathetic sight. An Igloo, though he could tell this wasn't a tank due to it looking sharply different. As he approached, he saw it had a metal hatch for a door, before he opened it and crawled inside. The interior was that of a typical Igloo, however in the center was another metal hatch with a red metal valve. As he twisted the valve and opened it, faint sounds of clanging metal could be heard. As he pulled out his check list, he crossed off Step 2 before gripping onto the metal ladder as he climbed his way down, the metal hatch closing behind him.

As he descended down the quite long ladder, and I mean very long, he finally touched down onto a metal floor, as he turned to see both the walls and ceiling also metal, the hallway lit with bright ceiling lights. Feeling suspicious, he pulled out his pistol seeing as his ice axe would likely be useless here, holding it tight as he slowly walked through the halls, the sounds of hammer pounding on steel heard clearly, as well the tell tale noises of drilling and welding. At the end of the hall was a partially open metal door, and as he slowly peeked inside, his mouth gaped in awe.

Before him was a massive metal archway, or more of a... gateway? Regardless, it was a massive gateway supported by several massive metal cables, as electricity visibly pulsed through the two coils on the gateway's sides. Power cables ran across the floor and into the base of the gateway. And standing upon metal scaffolding would be his hated nemesis, the White Spy, hammering away and welding at the metal frame of the gateway as he wore a welding mask.

Black Spy could've shot him there and then, but he wanted to have some fun, and he still didn't know if this was some type of trick. As he looked around the room, he saw a control terminal with several blinking lights of various colors, complete with levers, switches, display screens, a mouse and keyboard, and a single big red button at the center of the console. Slowly slinking his way over, he looked up to the display screens.

'POWER: 100%'

'DESTINATION COORDINATES: NOT SET.'

'DIMENSIONAL STABILITY: 0%'

The Black spy slowly nodded as he read the colored displays, before looking to the keyboard and deciding to type in a random set of coordinates, complete with letters, numbers, and symbols, just like you would type a password, straight up button mashing. As he pressed enter, a slight beep was heard as he looked up again.

'NEW DESTINATION SET: UNKNOWN.'

Perfect. As he looked down to the red button, he saw a little readout above it, complete with gauges in the red and red text flashing above it.

'WARNING! PORTAL ACTIVATION WITH LOW STABILITY IS HIGHLY DANGEROUS! ACTIVEATION IS NOT RECOMMENDED!'

Too bad Mr. Computer, this is all part of the plan. After pressing many buttons, turning some dials, flipping a few switches, and pulling a couple levers, he cracked his knuckles before slamming his fist down on the red button.

Alarms rang out across the room while red warning lights flashed, as the massive gateway began to shake, rattle, and groan as White spy lifted his welding mask and quickly stepped away, before the massive machine activated and a red vortex slowly cracked open. The White Spy soon turned to see his much hated arch enemy, as the two glared at each other, before looking back to see a White hat fly off and into the portal, soon followed by a Black hat.

The two spies exchanged looks of worry before screaming in terror as they attempted to outrun the portal while it sucked in carts of tools, crates, and even tore up the control terminal from the ground, all of it being consumed by the vortex before the two spies could run no more, as they saluted each other before they too were sucked in by the gateway.

As soon as they entered, the massive machine detonated in a blast of energy, it's frame blasted to pieces as electricity sparked everywhere from the broken cables. A bellow of flame emerged from the ruined wreck as the alarms continued to blare, with the fire soon coming into contact with a trail of oil, setting fire to it as the flame quickly followed the trail of flammable liquid to it's source.

A stockpile of oil drums, with one leaking out a small stream of black gold.

And as soon as the flame entered the leaking drum...

BOOM!

The explosion was heard across the world, seen from the space, and sent shockwaves across the entire arctic. All that remained of the test site was a crater...

And as the news reached the commanders of both the Black and White spy, they both accepted the news with sadness.

The White Spy and Black Spy had finally done it.

They had finally killed each other, once and for all. And as they were laid to rest, the two spies vanished into legend...

Or at least, that's what everyone on Earth thought. But no, the Spies aren't on Earth anymore. No, they're off to somewhere far different from our world. They're off to the land of friendship and harmony...

They're off... To Equestria.

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

The two spies looked to each other, before looking back at the confusing pink little pony that was currently smiling up at them. And as they looked back to each other, they nodded and shook hands, before pulling out their tommy guns and aiming them at the strange technicolor horse.

"Oh, what's that?"

2. The Land of Friendship and Harmony... BLECK!

Blink...

Blink blink...

Blink blink blink...

SLAP!

And with the sudden high velocity impact of hand meeting face, the White Spy was awakened from his inter-dimensional wormhole travel induced coma, his long nose assaulted by a variety of natural smells, his ears filled with the chirping of birds or croaking of frogs, and lastly his eyes filled with light as it flowed through the lush trees and through the cloudless sky...

And the sight of a very red and angry looking Black Spy, who was visibly seething as his teeth grinded together while steam visibly vented out his ears. His eyes were practically portals to the realm of H E double hockey sticks itself. As soon as White Spy opened his eyes, Black Spy wrapped his hands around his neck before violently and rapidly shaking him, crushing White Spy's wind pipe as he screamed in rage. Luckily, White Spy still had control of his legs, and using a rather simple trick, he would disarm his opponent with one single attack.

Go for the nuts.

And when his leg kicked upwards into the lower regions of the Black Spy, the audible sound of a nut cracking could be heard, as the Black Spy's teeth clenched and he gripped his crotch before falling back and writhing in agony, while White Spy got up and dusted himself off. After pulling through his nut cracking, Black Spy stood up as well, as the two expert spies stared each other down... Until they suddenly came to their senses, and began to actually look around.

They noticed two things. One, they were in a forest of some kind. And two....

They were surrounded by a pack of snarling and growling wooden wolves with glowing green eyes. Upon this discovery, the two spies, rather un-characteristically, screamed like little girls and held onto each other. However, as they prayed to their divine begins of choice, they both had a light bulb moment as two light bulbs visibly clicked on above their heads, as they rapidly rifled through their pockets, throwing out pocket lint, buttons, keys, thermo-nuclear warhead detonation codes, and other things you typically have in your pocket, before they both pulled out their philosopher's stone of self defense.

The spies may hate each others guts, but they both got two mutual friends that they could always rely on in times of trouble...

Smith and Wesson.

As the two spies whipped out their revolvers, cocking back the hammers and spinning the cylinders, the wolves visibly shuddered, before regaining their composure and slowly approaching the two spies barring wooden razor sharp teeth. Black and White looked at each other before nodding, as White quickly ducked and Black fired right over his arch-enemies hat while White ducked between Black's legs and fired his revolver as well. As the bullets flew, the loud thunderous ignition of gunpower as well as the bullets striking both their timber exterior and soaring right past them, they all whimpered and scattered, vanishing into the woods.

As the two spies admired the result of countless years of training and honing their gun skills, the two high fived, before drawing their pistols on each other, until White raised his hand and shook his head, before gesturing to a path that seemingly led out of the forest, then looking back to Black and extending his hand, the sign of a temporary truce. Hesitantly, Black shook White's hand, before the two spies walked down the path together.

However, before they could start walking, a sudden and loud thud was heard, as they looked behind them to see a metal crate of some kind. As they got closer to inspect, several shadows covered the ground as they looked up to see several objects descending from the heavens themselves, as they screamed and quickly jumped out of the way right before all of the objects impacted the earth with their heavy kinetic force.

As they turned back to view the objects that had seemingly fallen out of the sky itself, they immediately recognized it as many items sucked into the vortex, including crates of weapons and ammunition, carts of tools, and boxes of donuts. The two spies looked at each other with devious looks, before snickering as they rubbed their hands together and quickly rummaged through the weapons crates, and both pulled out something more sufficient for self defense.

There was a third friend they both relied on, and his name was Tommy.

As they slung their Tommy guns over their backs, they turned and decided to make sure nobody else found this equipment, so they decided to pick it all up and move it into a large and inconspicuous bush which was somehow large enough to all of it. With their boxes and boxes of tools and guns put away like every good american does, the two spies went back to walking, feeling much safer now that they were sufficiently strapped.

As they reached the exit to the strange forest, sunlight washed over them and they found themselves in a rather grassy and flowery field, which was honestly a rare sight to the spies, considering they mostly fought in urban or more exotic environments. As they took in their surroundings, White had his shoulder poked by Black, as he turned to see the spy pointing at what appeared a village of sorts. White shrugged, figuring it was their best option for finding out where they were, and followed Black to the village.

Here's hoping there aren't any weird locals...

Okay, nevermind, the town is full of weird and magical technicolor ponies with wings and unicorn horns that go against the physical laws of nature themselves. What is this place, a genetic altering bio-weapon testing site? A nuclear waste dumping ground? A genetic mutation facility disguised as a tiny town? An alternate inter-dimensional universe based on the existence of the hit TV-show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic designed by Hasbro to be enjoyed by little girls but is somehow liked by adults too?

Nah, couldn't be that last one, because that'd be highly stupid.

As the two spies slowly walked through the strange town of staring ponies that were indeed, staring at them, they exchanged looks of worry, as Black Spy nervously reached for his Tommy gun before being stopped by White Spy as he shook his head. Gotta make em' think were friendly for now. Who knows, maybe they might even be talking ponies, but it's not like that's even possible-

"HIYA!"

I spoke too soon, didn't I?

"Yep!"

Ugh... Anyways, the two spies visibly recoiled as the strange pink anomalous pony with the power to break the fourth wall manifested in front of them. They had no idea how this pony was speaking to them, why it was speaking to them-

"Well, I'm obviously here to welcome them to Ponyville!"

... You're getting the Capone treatment.

Black Spy looked to face White spy, before looking back at the confusing pink little pony that was currently smiling up at them with said smile so stretched it looked like her very face itself was going to split apart. And as they looked back at each other, they nodded and shook hands, before pulling out their Tommy guns and aiming them at the strange technicolor horse.

"Oh, what's that?"

And the rain of lead began, and as the two spies cackled, their drum mags slowly emptied. Once they took out their spent rounds, they then looked upon their handiwork, expecting to see a bullet ridden pink pony. Instead, pony was giving them a confused look, before giggling to herself. "That tickled! Now it's my turn!" Pinkie said, before reaching into her mane and pulling out a massive party cannon, lighting the fuse and laughing to herself as she aimed it at the two spies, who were shaking in fear.

Three...

Two...

One...

BANG!

That was the tiny little flag that popped out of the cannon said, as the Spies practically almost fainted from it.

"Oh wait, don't worry, it's just charging up."

A massive cake then burst out of the cannon, the spies screaming before they were enveloped by the large cakes... Cakeness? Anyways, White and Black proceeded to be sent on a trajectory right back into the forest from whence they came while home-run music played, as Pinkie Pie donned a baseball player costume and giggled.

"Strike, you're both out! Hehehehe!"

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

"Bow before your new ruler, bird nosed bipedal monkeys!"

The two spies looked to each other, then back to the weird nightmare horse before them. And thought back to Spy School, and one of their most important lessons...

When in doubt, bow when someone says to bow, because they'll think your loyal to them and you can backstab 'em later.

3. Nightmarish Relations

Cricket noises.

Cricket noises.

Cricket noi- WHAM!

Stupid crickets...

White Spy lifted his hand off of the now flattened cricket, wiping it's green guts from his hand while sitting up and shaking his head, blinking away the sleep in his eyes before taking a look around, then looking straight up to see the moon was out. Nothing out of the ordinary, it was probably- WAIT, THE MOON WAS OUT!?! It wasn't even 5 PM yet! White Spy quickly checked his watch, only to see it going absolutely haywire, it's hands going in random directions and spinning at a rapid speed.

Great, this place suffers from some kind of time anomaly. As if wooden wolves and peculiar pink ponies weren't enough. White Spy turned to the still unconscious Black Spy, as he slapped his nemesis awake and then he fully stood up, dusting himself while grumbling. Black soon came to, wiping the weariness from his eyes and knocking on the side of his head to get bits of loose dirt out. As the two spies grumbled and stretched their aching muscles, they then remembered something.

That pink pony.

Had shot them.

With a cake cannon.

An actual cake cannon.

Welp, they were for sure going to get their revenge, but considering the fact that it was night time, and they had some wooden friends lurking around them, they decided to find somewhere to crash until tomorrow. And as they wandered through the bushes, they didn't have to look long, for standing before them in the distance was a massive ruin of stone, overgrown with moss and greenery, appearing to be some kind of castle surrounded by a deep chasm, as a wooden bridge crossed over the pit.

Said bridge did not look safe. At all. Like, it looked like it was going to come apart the moment someone stepped on it. But these spies were fearless, mainly cause death was a minor inconvenience for them. As they approached the bridge, they examined it closely, and using their big brain spy knowledge, they determined it could hold at least one person at a time. So of course, White Spy decided to go first.

And as he slowly walked across the bridge, keeping his arms up for balance as he perilously teetered side to side, before he eventually made it to the other side and as the Black Spy began walking across, White suddenly got a devious idea, as he pulled out a pair of scissors right as Black Spy looked to see the sharp cutters and rapidly shook his head in panic.

Snip.

Try as Black might, he could not deter White from his plight. As the rope bridge lost one end of it's supports, it became extremely unstable and swayed uncontrollable, eventually flipping on it's side as White barely held onto it for dear life, as he slowly used his strong arms to make his way to the other side. Astonished by the fact he was still alive, as well as his strong arms, White then proceeded to move his scissors to cut the other end.

Snip.

White snickered to himself as he watched the rope bridge fall into the abyss, until he noticed Black Spy wasn't falling with it, as he turned around to see Black right behind him, who was currently waving before pointing down as White's feet, and he then looked down to a bundle of rope with it's end tied around his right ankle, and said bundle of rope was rapidly decreasing. Before he could even do anything, he was promptly dragged into the dark abyss by his ankle and screamed as Black snickered to himself, as he ran over and listened for the faint indicator his rival took the plunge...

Splash!

Sabotage successfully completed, Black then made his way up to the door to the castle, knocking on it only to find a very wet and angry looking White opening it, which he honestly expected as indicated by his smug pose and smile. Luckily, White let out a breath and calmed down, accepting the fact it was him who tried to off Black first, and so the two spies went back to having their fragile truce while they traversed this castle.

Looked real shoddy honestly, 3/10 place to live, could really use a refurnishing. The old portraits were nice though. As they opened a large door, they appeared to be in some kind of throne room, one with conveniently two thrones for some reason. Seeing it as a free snooze spot, the two spies approached the thrones, before being so rudely interrupted by a burst of dark blue magic going off in front of them which sent them flying back, and as they stood back up looked, they a black horse shrouded in shadow wearing deep blue armor, with a mane and tail appearing as the night sky itself and some sort of birthmark in the shape of the moon on her butt.

That's gotta be embarrassing.

As the dark moon horse opened it's eyes and looked upon the spies who currently trembling in fear, it at first seemed confused, before smiling wickedly.

"Bow before your new ruler, bird nosed bipedal monkeys! For I am Nightmare Moon, empress of the night and true ruler of Equestria!"

The two spies looked to each other, then back to the weird nightmare horse before them. And thought back to Spy School, and one of their most important lessons...

When in doubt, bow when someone says to bow, because they'll think your loyal to them and you can backstab 'em later.

And so the two spies proceeded to swallow their pride and bow down to the strange moon horse, as she maniacally cackled to herself.

"Excellent, soon that foolish sister of mine Celestia shall realize her failures, and recognize me as the true leader of the ponies!"

Okay, there was some serious trauma and familial tension going on here, but the spies did not dare question their new moon overlord. Plus, in their opinion...

Nightmare Moon was a pretty sick name.

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

"And with friendship, we will defeat you!" The strange purple unicorn horse said as she and her friends began to... Float and glow? And the things around their necks and on top of her head began to also glow? The two spies then realized what it was, a spies worst nightmare...

A Deus Ex Machina.

And fearing it might be aimed at them, they decided to put their plan into motion... And shove the moon horse right into it's path.

4. Friendship is a Workplace Hazard

Okay, it's official.

Moon horse has MAJOR familial tension and mood problems.

From the last thirty minutes of backstory spewing Nightmare Moon had done, the Spies now understood a multitude of things. First off, they knew Nightmare Moon was originally a princess pony named Luna, the sister of Princess Celestia, who was capable of controlling the sun and everyone loved her because she brought day time and sunlight to the land, by the way that went against all known laws of science and physics. Anyways apparently nobody liked Luna because she controlled the moon and brought night time and darkness, which made no sense because without darkness there's no way anybody could get any dang sleep, and it also once again put a big ol' fat middle finger to physics.

So essentially, Luna went super-emo and became Nightmare Moon, then got herself banished to the actual MOON. How was she alive from being trapped on the dang moon for a thousand years with no oxygen or amenities? The spies had no idea, but this was magical talking technicolor pony land, they stopped questioning things when they saw that tiny pink little pone pop up. But now, Nightmare Moon was here in what was known as the 'Castle of the Two Sisters'. Real on the nose name there. Anyways, their new lunar overlord was now currently ranting about night time was better and that day time sucked and how she would rule on forever and yadda yadda, boring old world domination crap the spies had heard time and time again from their very own old bosses.

What came out of her mouth next though had their attention.

"And seeing as you are the first to dedicate your loyalty to us, we shall make you my great legionary commanders! You shall lead our armies to glory against the Solar tyrant, and together, we will rule Equestria!" Nightmare Moon triumphantly said.

Okay, she originally only had the spies curiosity, but NOW... She had their attention.

The spies quickly straightened up, saluting their new lunar overlord with not just simple respect, but full blown loyalty. Even their old bosses only promised them a promotion if they succeeded in world domination, but this moon empress offered a bit more in terms of workers compensation. Suddenly, Nightmare Moon appeared to become visibly alerted by something.

"I sense Celestia's student and her five friends are approaching... And they possess the elements of harmony! Quick, go! Delay them by any means necessary!" The two spies nodded, running into each other before getting back on their feet and rushing out the door as it slammed shut behind them.

Delay six ponies from reaching the castle.

How was this hard? Like legitimately, this didn't seem difficult in the slightest. But they didn't exactly have the resources they normally had, so it was time for some creativity. They needed to think smart, they needed to think devious, they needed to think...

Mad.

Time to get to work...

The two spies were sat atop a tree, looking through their binoculars to see a group of six ponies, including that pink crazy one, walking up the side of a mountain along a sheer cliff face. And conveniently, above them, was a bunch of loose rocks and boulders, all waiting for a tiny bit of instability to come crashing down and crush the ponies into fine red paste. Black looked to White, who was already procuring their weapon of mass destruction of choice. The Rocket Launcher.

As he loaded a rocket inside, he then aimed down the electronic sights of the launcher, locking onto a tiny little rocky support that was helping keep the entire pile of rock from cascading down. And as he pulled the trigger, the rocket came soaring out of the barrel, flying towards the mountain before striking the support as it was blown to pieces. And as the pillar crumbled...

The entire structure came crashing down with it, as dozens of boulders and rocks came cascading down the mountainside towards the terrified ponies. The spies watched as the pink pony and a white unicorn with purple hair fell screaming off the side to their anticipated deaths, only to be swooped up by two pegasi with wings, one with a pink mane and one with a straight up rainbow mane. Talk about gay. The final two ponies, the purple unicorn and the pony wearing a stetson, were left as the unicorn tried to hold up the pony, before inevitably dropping the pony to be caught by the pegasi.

Great, the first plan has been foiled. But there's always the second. However, as White spy turned around, he saw a very burnt and angry looking Black spy. Looks like somebody was standing in the back blast of the RPG. Oops was all White spy could think of before he was shoved off the tree, plummeting to the forest floor.

Attempt two, go!

The spies silently watched as the ponies slowly walked along the forest path, before Black spy looked around his environment to see some sort of sleeping lion with wings and weird ears, or also known as a Manticore. Thank god for passing mythology class. As Black looked around his surroundings before seeing a thorn bush, as he plucks a singular thorn of the bush, then pulling out a blow dart gun as he aimed it at the Manticore's exposed paw, before breathing in and firing the thorn dead on target.

The roar of pain that followed indicated to Black spy that his plan had worked, as he watched the enraged beast jump in the path of the ponies, who were preparing some kind of measure to subdue it as he saw wings flare and horns charge, before the little pink maned pegasus shouted out and her friends halted. Then, seemingly with a death wish, the little pink maned pony approached the angry manticore, before slowly soothing it with her voice.

"Sometimes we all just need to show a little kindness." Without warning, the little pegasus plucked the thorn from it's paw, followed by the Manticore licking her mane. Curses, foiled again! And as the ponies continued along their way, the Manticore turned it's sights to Black and White.

Oh no.

After their last failed attempt ended with a severe mauling, the two spies cracked their dislocated joints back into places and snapped their spines into correct orientation before moving on. Third times the charm, but this time they weren't going for the kill, they were going to utilize their training and manipulate their opponents fears...

That's right baby, Psychological Warfare time.

The two spies looked to see a particularly dark patch of forest up ahead, and quickly moved up beyond the ponies and into the dark area, observing their surroundings and determining an appropriate plan of action, before Black turned only to nearly jump out of his skin as he saw a face within one of the trees. While White laughed at his easy scaring, a lightbulb appeared over Black's head, as he turned to White and whispered in his ear, gesturing at the face as White got a devious smile and nodded, before they both rubbed their hands together and snickered, as they pulled out wood carving tools and got to work.

Soon enough, several spooky scary faces were carved into the trees, certain to scare those little ponies away. As the two spies got into cover, the ponies soon entered the dark patch, visibly quaking and shaking from fear while the spies snickered and admired their handiwork, before they noticed the annoying little pink pony wasn't even afraid. She was smiling. And then, without warning...

"You'll see that they can't hurt you; just laugh to make them disappear!"

She started singing...

And oh god did it make the spies ears burn. MAKE IT STOP!

As their ears burned and their eyes watered, they watched as the scary faces on the trees slowly dissipated while the ponies laughed at them before continuing along. Damn, not only did they get past the trees, but they mocked the spies handiwork. They had put genuine effort into those scary faces, dang it!

Alright, new plan.

The ponies were now approaching the river, and the spies quickly looked for anything that could block their passage, before spotting a sea serpent with surprisingly good hair admiring himself in the mirror, before White snickered to himself and pulled out a pair of scissors. Slowly approaching from behind, White surprised the sea serpent, who gasped in fear before...

Snip!

"NO! MY BEAUTIFUL MUSTACHE! YOU FIEND! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The sea serpent cried as it wailed in foe agony while the White spy snickered to himself and got back behind cover, watching as the sea serpent's flailing caused the river to become a tidal pool, rendered impassable. But right before the spies could high five, they overheard the conversation between the sea serpent purple maned unicorn with a weird accent.

"Some dreadful tacky little mosquito man came by with scissors and sliced my mustache!" While White spy inspected his uniform to see if it was indeed tacky, Black spy continued to listen in.

"I simply cannot have this crime against fabulosity go uncorrected!" Suddenly, in a storm of cutting and slicing, the unicorn slices off some of her own hair and donates it to the sea serpent, constructing a new mustache with it as he bowed, ceasing his flailing before helping them across.

DRAT! The ponies were getting close! Things are getting desperate now...

The two spies nervously paced back and forth. The ponies were almost to the chasm that separated them from the castle of the two sisters, and knowing that Rainbow haired pegasus would come over and try to fix the bridge that the spies had broke, they needed a plan. However, an unexpected voice speaking up gave them that plan, as they turned to see three ponies in black and yellow uniforms wearing goggles emerge from the fog.

"Greetings commanders serving under her most loyal empress of the night! We, the mighty Shadowbolts, have been tasked by the nightmare herself to aid you! What do you need of us?" The gears turned in the spies heads, before a light dinging was heard as they both got up close to the spies and whispered in their ears...

Retreating to cover, the spies watched as the rainbow maned pegasus flew across, holding the other end of the bridge as she begins to tie down the bridge before the three Shadowbolt ponies emerged, and spoke to the rainbow pegasus, making her the offer the spies had told them to. Of course, the offer was fake, because when the pegasus ditched her friends, they would just clonk her head, but that wasn't something she needed to know. However, what the Rainbow maned brat said in response surprised even the spies.

"I'd never leave my friends hanging." The pegasus said before turning back and re-tying the bridge as the Shadowbolts sulked away and appeared before the spies.

"We failed you, and we accept any punishment." The two spies looked to each other before looking back and shrugging. What's happened happened, and now they needed a final last ditch effort plan to stop the ponies once and for all...

That, or they let the empress do all the work while they sit back and get ready for the coup de'tat. And so the spies fled inside the castle as the Shadowbolts flew away.

Time to tell the boss about their screw up...

To be continued.

5. The Orbital Rainbow Laser of Death

The doors to the throne room burst open, as Nightmare Moon looked to see the two spies rushing in with looks of panic and worry on their face, before they came to a stop and slowly caught their breath, gasping for air while the Empress patiently waited until they recovered before she spoke.

"Ah, our glorious warrior commanders, you have returned ultimately triumphant over the foolish followers of Celestia!" Nightmare Moon said, before noticing the spies nervously sweating and jittering while glancing between each other as they gritted their teeth and hissed. "You... Were triumphant against the foolish student and her friends... Right?" A pegasus in shadowbolt uniform emerged next to the empress and whispered into her ear before quickly backing away into the shadows as Nightmare Moon processed what she had heard.

...

"THEY ARE ALREADY HERE!?!"

Alright, the cat is officially out of the top secret bag.

"How is this possible!?! Ugh... It is of no matter, and not of your own fault, it is likely those foolish ponies used their benign 'magic of friendship' to overcome your obstacles. We shall simply have to draft a new plan, at least until I have reached my full strength so I may destroy them myself." The two spies nodded, agreeing with both the new plan and the stupid magic of friendship thing. Seriously, it sounded so dumb, how could anyone believe that lovey dovey happy go lucky crap? Back in their world, trying to make friends got you shot, lit on fire, tossed in a ditch, and covered in dirt. Not specifically in that order, but still.

But now the only thing that mattered was a plan, something to delay the ponies, something to hold them off until Nightmare Moon was ready...

Something MANIACAL...

Something DEVIOUS...

Something so EVIL it might just work... And as the spies looked to see the crates full of equipment from their world conveniently sitting in the corner when Nightmare Moon warped it in, two individual light bulbs appeared over both of their heads, and they began to snicker.

Trap time.

Twilight Sparkle used her magic to slowly push open the door, revealing a long hallway with tall pillar supporting the fault ceiling and old statues of armor on both sides, with moonlight shining in from the windows. At the other end of the hallway would be the door to the throne room, where she sensed Nightmare Moon was waiting for her and her friends.

"Alright everypony, we just need to- WOAH!" Suddenly, a massive axe disconnected from the suit of armor holding it and swung down right in front of Twilight, just barely missing her muzzle. As the rest of her friends quickly entered the hallway, the door behind slammed shut, causing Fluttershy to leap into the air before coming back a shivering mess. Snickering echoed throughout the hall as shadows of long nosed figures moved though the light, putting all of the ponies on edge as Rainbow Dash spoke up.

"H-hey! S-show yourself, you c-creeps!" Slight chuckling was heard as two shadowy figures were seen at the end of the hall, before slowly emerging into the moonlight and striking a dramatic pose, wearing their signature Black and White and White and Black uniforms along with the infamous sinful stare and sinister smile. The first to react was Pinkie Pie, who dramatically gasped.

"It's those weird monkey dudes I saw back in Ponyville! What are they doing here?" As Pinkie Pie thought to herself, Rarity soon made a realization.

"You must be the tacky individuals responsible for those attempts to impede us! Your violation of Magnus's mustache is intolerable!"

The two spies proceeded to take a bow, as if taking responsibility for the performance, with White Spy even procuring the scissors and maniacally snickering as he proceeded to cut an inconspicuous rope.

Snip snip!

"Oh you... When I get my hooves on you, you shall pay for your crimes-" Right as Rarity was taking a step forward, a chandelier hanging from the ceiling proceeded to fall down right in front of her, followed by a shrill scream from the fashionista before she quickly cowered behind Twilight for safety as the spies simply snickered while the ponies glared at them.

"Hey, that wasn't nice, you could've hurt her!" Pinkie defiantly stated, as the two spies looked at each other, before bursting out laughing, clearly stating that was indeed their intention. Twilight seemed to examine the room and her horn began to glow, until she gasped in shock.

"Girls, the room is completely booby trapped!" Pinkie pie proceeded to snicker, to which the ponies and even the spies looked to her with a dead pan expression.

"What? Booby is a funny word." Ignoring the childish remark, Twilight looked back to the spies taunting her and her friends, snickering as they did funny little dances.

"Alright everypony, trot carefully!" Twilight said as she and her friends slowly walked through the halls, as AJ stepped on a stone tile, pressing it down and a knight's massive mace nearly crashing down on her if it weren't for Rainbow saving her. Fluttershy stepped on another tile and a barrage of arrows flew directly towards her from an opening in the wall, as she quickly hopped up into the air and dodged them before coming back down. Rarity accidentally tripped a trip wire and proceeded to nearly get her beautiful mane scorched by a dragon head breathing a large plume of fire right over her head.

Noticing that the ponies were somehow surviving their genius traps, the Black spy suddenly got an idea, as he proceeded to slowly draw his pistol, taking aim up towards the ceiling at a particularly loose stone, and shooting it, as the entire room began to shake and the ceiling quickly started collapsing, as stones rapidly fell down towards the ponies who only barely managed to dodge them. However, the thing they didn't predict was that a stone was coming directly for them, as the Black Spy screamed before he was crushed, while White spy snickered before he too was crushed, not by a stone, but by the stampede of six ponies rushing out of the room.

Quickly getting up, White then pushed the stone off of Black to see the very flat spy slowly pop back up like an accordion before airing himself back up by blowing in his fingers and quickly following White into the throne room. They then saw Nightmare Moon and the ponies having some sort of battle of wits or something, but the spies were too busy to care, as they quickly got behind the moon horse, just as the purple horse spoke up loud.

"And with friendship, we will defeat you!" The strange purple unicorn horse said as she and her friends began to... Float and glow? And the things around their necks and on top of her head began to also glow? The two spies then realized what it was, a spies worst nightmare...

A Deus Ex Machina.

And fearing it might be aimed at them, they decided to put their plan into motion... And shove the moon horse right into the giant orbital rainbow friendship laser of death's path. Before she even had time to react, she was enveloped by the rainbow's energy, however the two spies found themselves being pushed back by the energy of the beam, before they were sent flying through a window out of the castle and into the woods, screaming all the way.

Launched twice in one day, what are the odds?

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

Alright, they just needed to grab a couple apples, sneak off the farm without being detected, and they would be fine. They had trained for this.

Specifically Apple Theft 101.

6. Raid on the Barnyard

Nothingness.

Pure dark blackness.

The void.

Oblivion.

There are a lot of words to describe complete and utter darkness aren't there? Couldn't the people who wrote the dictionary have made up their minds on what word was right for it? Can't we just have a single word and go 'There, that word alone is related to Darkness'.

Alright, got sidetracked on a literary tangent it seems, now where was I? Oh yes.

Black Spy saw nothing but the pure darkness that expanded before his view.

Was he dead? Was he in Heaven? If so, it seems awfully dull and not as bright. Couldn't be Hell, because there was no grand lake of fire or screams of the damned to be heard. Maybe he was in that one other place, what was it called... Puragtory?

Yes, perhaps he was in Puragtory, or Limbo as it was known.

Damn, had he run out of lives? Had he died his last death? Had the Grim Reaper gotten fed up with him? Had God finally said 'Sike!' and let him die?

That last one may sound out of character for a divine being, but you never know, God may be a gangster.

Alright, I may be going on a bunch of rambling incoherent tangents right now, but can you blame me? There is absolutely nothing noteworthy to describe. Nothing to see, nothing to smell, nothing to touch, nothing to-

Peckity peck peck!

Hear?

Black spy was unsure where the sound was coming from, nor did he know the source of it. It sounded like... Gunfire? No, not loud enough. Pecking perhaps? No, far too fast. Or perhaps it was a-

PECKITY PECK PECK!

Black Spy opened his eyes with a jolt, looking around his surroundings before wincing and moving his hand to cover his vision as he gazed at the blinding blue sky. Then he looked to his right to see a Woodpecker pecking at a tree rapidly, as tiny little wood shavings flew off the tree and into Black's mouth, which he promptly spit out. Sitting up, the spy waved the Woodpecker away before rubbing his eyes and making a realization.

He was still stuck in Magical Talking Pony Land.

A fate arguably worse than death.

But if he was still alive, then that means...

BONK!

A rock the size of a baseball clonked the back of Black's head, causing a small bump to appear and lift up his hat before he turned around to see White spy glaring at him, holding another rock. Though no words were exchanged, as usual, it was clear that White believed Black to be the reason they got their butts kicked by ponies using the power of friendship. Now of course, Black did not believe such slander, as he held White accountable for their failure. Especially his failure to fully cut down the bridge, if they had done that, then that rainbow headed pegasi menace wouldn't have been able to lift it back up!

Pushing his head bump down, Black looked down on the ground and grapsed a rock of his own, about the size of a large golf ball, grasping it firmly as he took aim and...

Gurgle!

The rumbiling of both of the spies stomachs caused them to drop their stones and clutch their bellies in longing for sustenance of any sort. They then looked back to each other and nodded.

Killing each other with sticks and stones could wait for later, the truce was back on until they found a proper bite to eat. Considering neither of them had eaten for a couple days, it was a surprise they weren't dying of pure starvation.

They would probably stab each other in the back as soon as they found food so one could keep it all to themselves, but it's the thought that counts. Plus, you can't properly kill each other on an empty stomach, and if one dies of starvation, then there's no point.

The two spies then began to look around, inspecting bushes, climbing into trees, and White spy even licking a caterpillar to use his super spy senses to see if it was edible or at least tasted good.

Though it was indeed edible, it did not fulfill the latter criteria.

After taking a pause to utilize a bush as a natural barf bag while Black laughed, the two resumed the hunt, as Black soon eyed a berry bush, with berries the color of the sky above him. Moving closer, he inspected the berries, plucking one and licking it. No poison or toxin, kinda sweet, little sour, and overall pretty good tasting. Deciding to take his chance, Black spy decided to eat the berry, licking his lips of the juice left behind from his chewing.

Then, a critical thought came into his head, a memory he had forgotten.

He was allergic to blueberries. And the swelling that followed made sure to remind him of it.

As he rifled through his pockets, he tossed out everything from bullets, to grenades, to ticking timebombs which exploded as he tossed them over his shoulder, and yet he still couldn't find an epi-pen. Apparently, pocket dimensions for pockets aren't a good idea when you stuff your most essential item at the very bottom. Finally, Black spy grasped something that felt like his epi-pen, pulled it out, and stuck it into his arm. However, as he looked, it was not an epi-pen, but a syrine, with a label on it.

'Explodo-Serum'

Ah nuts, is what Black spy would've thought before the detonation.

KABOOM!

While the distant explosion was heard by White spy, he payed little attention to it, as he was currently eyeing his prey.

A lone rabbit grazing on the grass, completely unaware of it's approaching fate. Blissfully ignorant to the world... And it's doom, as White slowly pulled a hunting rifle out of his pocket and adjusted the scope, locking in on the rabbit's tiny head. However, he was surprised to see the bunny turn to face him, and then glare directly into his soul.

Eh, probably nothing.

However, when multiple rabbits emerged from their holes in the ground and they all began to show razor sharp teeth, White realized he had stepped in it now, taking a big gulp before the bunnies lept into the air and dogpilled onto of him.

The screams that followed sounded out throughout the forest.

The rustling of bushes was heard as Black emerged first, his suit burnt and charred, with bits of his face still swelled up. White emerged next, his clothing torn with cuts and scrapes across his body, as well as a few bite marks, a rabbit still stuck to him in a death grip as he proceeded to grip the little menace and punt it into the distance. They had to get out of this forest if they wanted to find a food source that wouldn't kill them. After dusting themselves off and patching up their suits, Black decided to test a new invention he was working on before the whole winding up in magical pony land thing.

From his pocket, he procured a small remote with a radar dish on top of it, along with a label.

'Food-Finder 3000'.

Invented for purposes of survival, scavenging, or forgetting where he put his snacks, Black knew it was the right time to test it out. How did it work? Not even he knew, but it should hopefully do the job well enough. Pressing the big green button, the dish began to spin as a radar was shown on the remote screen. After it made a full circle, a red ping appeared and Black pressed a smaller yellow button to lock and enhance the ping. The image of an Apple appeared on the screen while the dish conveniently pointed straight forward, as both Spies nodded to each other and followed the signal.

After a few minutes of following the signal through bushes and branches, the two emerged into what appeared to be a field, as they looked to see a large orchard and barnhouse in the distance. Must be an apple orchard, because now there were hundreds of red pings within the orchard.

Alright, they just needed to grab a couple apples, sneak off the farm without being detected, and they would be fine. They had trained for this.

Specifically Apple Theft 101.

Both spies looked at each other and nodded, before shaking hands and suddenly dashing towards the orchard. These apples were now free game, and by free, I meant Free-For-All.

White spy was in the lead thanks to his athleticism, however as Black passed by he stuck his leg out and tripped White, and since they going down a hill, White fell before starting to roll rapidly down the incline, accelerating until he collided with a tree, slamming into it and causing a few apples to fall and dome him in the head as a snickering Black spy gathered the fallen fruits and moving to another tree. Work smarter, not harder.

While White spy was recuperating from his fruity fallout, Black climbed up into a tree and began to pluck the apples directly from the branches, eating one whole because he just couldn't wait. However, when he heard movement, he expected White spy to be sneaking up, but instead he heard a voice.

"Mac, ya sure ya want to help me, I can do this by myself."

"Eeyup, I'm sure."

"Alright, then let's do this."

Wait a minute... That voice... That was the farm pony from the castle! The one that helped make the magical orbital rainbow death laser! This was her orchard!?! It sounded like she had a brother too, one that needed to lay off the testosterone. Regardless, it sounded like they were approaching the very tree he was hiding in.

"Alright, let's start with bucking this one."

They were going to buck the tree? Well, it made sense, as that would shake it and cause Apples to drop, but it would drop him as well. Unless he didn't fall out of the tree, and instead stuck to it. Pulling a convenient pair of sticky gloves he latched onto the bark of the tree, holding on for dear life as he braced for impact.

Bam!

The sudden impact of the buck caused the tree to shake and dislodge some apples, one of which fell on Black's head. However, the gloves held firm, and he stayed on the tree.

"Hey, why are there barely any apples? This tree usually has a ton!"

"Must be growing old."

"Probably, anyways let's get on to the next one."

The sound of the two ponies trotting away made Black sigh with relief, unsticking his gloves from the side of the tree and dropping down, quickly sneaking out of view to acquire more apples.

Back with White, he shook his head and pushed down a bump under his hat before standing up and dusting himself off, as he looked past the tree to see two, including the one with the hat from last night which he believed was Applejack, approaching. Realizing they might see him, White spy decided to get back at both Black and Applejack by using a ace up his sleeve, literally pulling out a button from his sleeve.

While Black spy was busy plucking some apples, his pockets got very warm, burning himself as he pulled out the source of the heat, his food finder, to see it was practically melting. Seems like White had tampered with it while Black wasn't looking. When the device began to spark, Black acted quickly and tossed the remote over the distance. It flew directly over the trees and the ponies, before landing right at the feet of White.

Well sh-

BOOM!

The screams of White flying high into the sky were heard by the ponies as they turned to see the spy soaring over their heads and landing in a tree, all the while Black simply snickered to himself. As the ponies rushed to investigate the point of touchdown for White, Black grabbed a few more apples, before deciding to ditch both White and the orchard, making a mad dash away from the farm and back into the woods, snickering all the way.

Meanwhile White pulled himself out of the trees leaves before jumping down and dusting himself, before turning to see Applejack and her brother staring at him.

"Hey, aren't you one of those weird two legged things from last night?"

White slowly gulped in, before shaking his head as sweat dripped down his face.

"Tell me the truth now, I can tell you're lying."

Dang it, what was this pony, a living lie detector?

Welp, when in doubt, run away. White quickly turned in the opposite direction and quickly began making a mad dash to escape, looking back to see the ponies chasing him. Luckily, he had just the thing to slow them down...

Pulling a convenient buzz saw from his pocket, he quickly ran up to a tree and proceeded to cut it down, pushing the log in the path right as Applejack jumped over, while the bigger red pony hit it head on, bonking himself on the head. Applejack turned back and went to tend to her brother, while White snickered and ran off, but not before grabbing a few apples.

As White made his escape, Applejack on his hooves and rubbed his head. "You alright?"

"I dunno... Probably best to get some rest for a bit."

"Don't worry, I'll finish your work today. Then I'll catch that varmint."

Cue distant snickering. But now, the spies were separated, alone, and operating without any backup, only their wits about them.

They also had copious amounts of weaponry and gadgets, but that's beside the point.

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

As the two spies grasped their own pairs of scissors and prepared for a duel, the door to the store opened as a fashonista walked in, before proceeding to do something unexpected.

Fall over unconscious.

7. The Fashion Fiasco

Now, you would think that constant and seemingly endless running would be tiresome for the White spy, especially after practically running a whole dang mile ever since his escape from the farm, but thanks to the boost of energy from consuming an apple, he was able to put his time on his school's track team to good use. Granted, his legs ached with pain and his blood was running hotter than a thousand suns, but it a minor inconvenience to him. For some reason the farm pony had not decided to chase him down, which was lucky for him as she seemed strong enough to buck him to the moon.

Meanwhile, Black Spy had encountered the same issue, however instead of running himself, he had built a pair of rudimentary robo pants from wood and scrap metal to do the running for him while he sat back and let the pants run along the path through the forest, unsure of where it lead and frankly not caring where he ended up. However, he was still performing the physical task of winding up the legs so they didn't stop and fling him into the nearest conveniently placed tree. A thing to note were the fact the robo pants seemed to be very Non-OSHA compliant, creaking and groaning as they transported the Black Spy through the dense woods.

Both spies were currently separated, running in completely opposite directions, and yet somehow, they were heading to the same location. How you may ask?

Cartoon logic. What, you want me to elaborate? Too bad, I don't get paid enough to explain further. Just assume somewhere along the way they took a turn at an intersection.

Regardless, the both of them were now inbound to the small town of Ponyville. Now, they had already been to Ponyville before, but the Cake Cannon of the Candy-mare Caper saw them booted back to the Everfree. Now however, they were ready for the dastardly mare's vanilla wrath, filled with courage as they entered the streets of the town, only to have that confidence disintegrate the moment that both of them caught sight of the pink pony trotting down the street. While not seeing each other in their haste, they just so happened to see a conveniently open window. Black spy abandoned his robo pants before the both of them dived into the windows to evade the perplexing pony's sight and closed the window behind them, not realizing both windows were part of the same building, as a sign saying 'Carousel Boutique' hung over the door.

Standing up and dusting off their shoulders, the two spies stood up and stretched out only to be greeted with the sight of each other as they gritted their teeth and stood in a stand off. Once again, the cold war that was their rivalry had been thawed, and it is likely that it would likely remain very hot after the business that went down on the farm. The two spies quickly surveyed their surroundings, looking for any potential weapons to use in destroying the other. Luckily, being in a boutique meant that there was a varirty of sharp objects availible for combat.

As the two spies grasped their own pairs of scissors and prepared for a duel, the door to the store opened as a certain fashonista walked in, before proceeding to do something unexpected. Something that the spies had not expected a magical unicorn to do when they see two spies wielding scissors about to give the other the treatment of an average London pedestrian in the United Kingdom.

Scream like a banshee for ten seconds straight, then dramatically fall over unconscious, likely due to both shock and the aforementioned long screaming.

Shrugging, Black Spy lunged at White, their scissors clashing as sparks flew and clanging was heard, the intense duel continuing as White slowly walked back, before accidentally bumping into a cabinet and awakening a sleeping cat on top of it, which proceeded to hiss and lunge at White Spy, who quickly ducked and left an unexpecting Black Spy open to the attack as he received a heavy cat mauling, the manic feline clinging and stratching at his face as he flailed around wildly trying to pull the cat off while White snickered the whole time.

After the cat deemed White's face sufficiently scratched, it leaped off it's face as the spy was left disoriented, before proceeding to have a pair of scissors fly right towards as he quickly snapped out of his daze and ducked, causing the pair to hit a vase behind him. White then stood back up and stuck his tounge out, before pulling out his own pair and repeating the same maneveur as his rival by throwing right at Black's face, who also ducked and let them soar over his head, right towards the purple pony who was waking back up and standing before the scissors wizzed over her head, slicing her purple mane in half as she looked and screamed before fainting again.

The two spies couldn't help but laugh at the purple haired ponies expense, with the situation being just too comical to them. Focusing back on their duel, the two spies then each grabbed a pair of knitting needles, before quickly dueling with them as they blocked each others blows, before the White spy managed to pierce into Black's clothing, and began to quickly unravel it. However, Black did the same as he pierced White's clothes and unravelled them as well. Soon, both spies had succeeded in unravelling their opponent, before looking to realize they too were unravelled as they quickly covered themselves with their hats before agreeing to re-knit each others clothes.

However, when the knitting was complete, Black was seen wearing White, and White was seen wearing Black. Or was White wearing... Alright, this was too confusing for them, so they decided to unravel again and do it right before they returned to dueling, this time using whips fashioned from waist measuring tape. Granted, it didn't really hurt that much, but they were more trying to disorient each other at this point so that the other could simply deliver a good punch to the gut. However, when they both struck their tape whips at the same time, they became snared with each other as both spies pulled back only to cause the amount of built tension to release and result in them colliding. After a short moment to recuperate, the spies resorted to just grabbing random objects and throwing them at each other, from vases and needles to an entire coat rack.

However, the sound of a familiar voice caused the two spies to immediately cease hostilities.

"Rarity, you in there? I heard a big ol ruckus!" The distinct southern accent and tone gave the telltale sign it was the farm pony from the apple farm. As such, the spies quickly shook hands, and the both of them bolted out their respective windows, sneaking into bushes on opposite sides of the store before the door opened and Applejack yelled. "What in tarnation!?!"

Whilst Applejack comforted the now wailing Rarity due to her hair loss, the two spies quickly picked up their bushes and used it as mobile cover, slowly making their way back out of the town.

They likely had a better shot just staying in the forest for a while.

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

The small bunny rabbit rapidly dodged and retreated from the many rounds being fired out of the spy's rifle as they pursued their prey, before quickly coming to a stop as a rather forboding sight appeared in front of them.

A whole dang bear.

8. Forest Frolic

There is something about forests that just seems to bug the ever living crap out of anybody who enters them. And it's not the bugs, no those things are pretty cool. The thing that usually annoys people is the feeling of constantly being watched with the threat of being ambushed by a violent predator being present at any possible moment. Oh wait, I think I just described paranoia, oh well, that was definitely what Black spy was feeling as he slowly walked along the forest trail. There were many reasons that both spies hated nature, and that feeling of being watched was one of them. There were also the annoyance of bugs, thorn bushes, pollen, and all that other nasty forest stuff.

Regardless, Black spy now wandered through the forest alone and isolated, seeing as he and White had split up yet again. Next time however, it was guaranteed that Black would kill him, he was sure of it. However, Black needed to find his own hideout sooner or later, a place to call his home away from home, his base of operations, his casa, you get the drift. Thankfully, this forest would no doubt be able to help with that, maybe there would be a random cave off the beaten path which could conceal him as he deviously worked to plan his revenge on White. And also, you know, find a way out of this technicolor nightmare, but when White spy is involved, any other objective is secondary. Speaking of which, Black Spy probably needed to compile a list of things he needed to do, and as such he pulled out a clipboard and pen as he got to writing.

Objective: Escape This Technicolor Nightmare.
Step 1: Get Revenge On White Spy.
Step 2: (Optional) Take Over The World.
Step 3: Find a Way To Escape This World.
Step 4: ???
Step 5: Profit.

Yep, that seems like a fine and dandy to-do list. It always paid to be organized and coordinated, no matter if you're an average nine to five office workers or a secret super-spy bent on world domination.

Now then, back to focusing on finding a place to build his hideout, Black spy continued waltzing along the path between the trees before eventually spotting a slight clearing in the trees, allowing him to see what appeared to be a cave hollowed out in the side of a large mountain looming over the forest. Deciding that this was the best place for his hideout, the Black Spy quickly got off the path and walked into the cave, quickly pulling out a flashlight and seeing the cave was quite large, with stalactites extending down from the ceiling as water droplets fell into tiny puddles of water.

It would be the perfect cave... If it weren't for the absolutely MASSIVE furry bear with all sorts of weird constellations and stars on it. Thankfully, the massive beast was sleeping, so maybe if Black Spy could just slowly back away, he could-

Snap!

Damn you random conveniently placed branch!

ROAR!

Meanwhile, back with the White Spy, you may be wondering what he was currently getting up to... So allow me answer that question in the most blunt and direct way possible.

He was climbing up the side of a mountain.

Why was he climbing to the top of a mountain?

Because it was the ideal place for a hideout of course! Not like some dumb cave or a shack in the woods, nobody would waste time and effort climbing a mountain, and thus it was both secretive and secure! Of course, going back up and down was an issue, but with enough digging White could set up an elevator to the bottom. Regardless, the spy continued his ascent, soon approaching the peak of the mountain as his suit blended in with the snow descending down from the heavens, frigid winds blowing as ice cicles grew on his nose. Continuing his trek forward, snow clumped on his feet, frost covered his eyes, and at this rate the ice cicles on his nose had grown so long it looked like an ice beard, all while being blinded by the now raging blizzard!

Luckily, the Spy unknowingly tripped and fell into a hot spring, the ice melting off of him as let out a sigh of relief. As he rose from the water and dried out his hat, he looked to see the summit of the mountain in his sight, as he slowly climbed up the rock wall, before finally reaching the peak and placing a white flag atop it with his face plastered on. As far as he knew, there were no other flags on this mountain, so he was the first to climb it, and as such he got to name it.

From hence forth, this mountain would be White Mountain! Real on the nose title.

Regardless, this peak would now serve as where he would construct his glorious headquarters. He could already see the floor plan, a helicopter landing pad here, a plane runway there, a long-range artillery cannon over there, maybe use that hot spring to fuel a thermal melta-cannon, heck White could probably build whatever he wanted up here to rain down havoc and destruction from a safe distance. Of course, there was the limitation of supplies, so a measly shack would have to do for now until he could acquire more materials.

Setting down his toolbox and drawing from it some sheets of metal, wooden boards, and a hammer and some nails, the White Spy got to work hammering away at the frame of his new villainous headquarters. However, just when the frame was almost completed, he heard the familiar sound of his stomach growling. Finishing up the frame, he turned to open his bag full of apples only to see he had already ate them all on the way up the mountain.

Fiddle sticks... Where to get more food? Wait, there were those bunnies he had seen before, and now he knew they were vicious if they got the jump on you, so why not just hunt one down and ambush it for dinner? Grabbing his hunting rifle from his bag, the spy snickered before sliding down the side of the mountain.

It's rabbit season!

Ah, a peaceful pleasent evening, a lovely day for a picnic honestly. Well, it would be, if it weren't for-

BANG!

The small bunny rabbit rapidly dodged and retreated from the many rounds being fired out of the White spy's hunting rifle as they pursued their prey, before quickly coming to a stop as a rather forboding sight appeared in front of them.

A whole dang bear. Menacingly standing over him with brown fur and dark eyes staring into his soul. However, that quickly changed when another gun shot rang out, a bullet wizzing past the bears head and caused it to roar before retreating, this time coming from behind the White spy as he turned to see Black spy, his clothes torn with scratch and bite marks his body as he pulled back the bolt on the rifle and chambered another round.

Well, that's nice, the Black spy saved the White spy- Oh wait no, he was aiming for White's head.

BANG!

Quickly ducking to avoid the shot, the White spy aimed his own rifle trying to hit the Black spy, pulling the trigger only to hear an empty click as he realized he was out of ammo, before throwing the rifle aside and drawing his revolver as he fired several shots which the Black spy rolled away from straight up pulling out an Uzi and unleashing a hail of bullets. The White spy barely had time to duck into cover behind a tree, loading new shots into his revolver before a lightbulb appeared over his head, snickering as he proceeded to procure a frag grenade from his pocket, pulling the pin and tossing it to Black spy's feet, as he proceeded to look down and scream before kicking it right back towards White, who was busy with his eyes closed and fingers in his ears as he snickered to himself before looking down to see his own grenade.

Well fu-

KABOOM!

Black spy snickered, having successfully acquired his vengeance as he pulled out his checkboard and crossed out objective 2. Whistiling to himself as he walked down the trail and eventually disappeared from sight, a very burnt looking White Spy emerged from the scorched bush, dusting himself off before kicking the tree next to him enraged at his loss, only for a coconut to somehow fall out of the tree and fall on him, bouncing off of his head before somehow bouncing all the way down the path. The sound of a distant Bonk! was heard as well as a yelp of pain as White snickered to himself, before promptly collapsing from coconut concussion.

How was there a coconut tree in the forest?

It's the everfree forest, nothing makes sense.

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

The venting of steam and clanking of gears was heard as the heavy machine slowly rolled along the ground, it's treads slowly pulling it forward as it left distinct tracks. The distinct sound of a shell being loaded into the main cannon was heard, along with the connection of a belt of bullets into the machine gun. The cannon slowly adjusted it's aim, slightly lowering before locking onto the large confectionary shaped building.

Time to recreate the literal form of the word 'Sugar-Bomb'.

9. Steampunk Showdown

Today was not looking like a good day, to say the very least.

First he got chased down by a giant raging bear covered in stars, then he nearly got blown to bits by his arch rival, and finally he got hit on the head with a coconut. The large knot forming under his hat was a constant reminder that Karma was indeed, a solid bi-

Wait, hold that thought. Black's nose caught onto a unique scent, one unfamiliar to him. The strange smell had an alluring essence, as it drew Black along the trail, following intensely and sniffing the air before parting some bushes to see a small shack, with an open window being the source of the sensation he sniffed. Black quickly ducked down to the ground all sneaky style as he slowly creeped towards the window before slowly popping his head up to see it was emitting from a cauldron of sorts, a green liquid seen inside.

Seeing as he basically had nothing better to do, he stuck his finger in the pot, swirling it around before taking it out and sticking it in his mouth. Alright, a hint of blueberry, some raspberries in there, lemons for some reason, apples, and coconuts. Definitely a strange mix of fruits, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. And so Black stuck his head inside of the pot, slurping half of it up as he let out a sigh of satisfaction. That would definitely hold him over for a day or two. Now then, back to fufilling his current primary goal, getting his own evil lair- Err, hideout set up.

This hut wouldn't do, as somebody already no doubt lived in it, and in order to ensure he was not caught by said homeowner, Black spy quickly made like the trees around him and left. That one cave he found wouldn't work, on account of the giant man-eating cosmic Polaris bear. But maybe a smaller cave would work... As Black walked throught the shrubbery and bushes, his foot was caught on a root as he tripped and fell forward into a very, very, veeeeery deep hole. Descending downwards in free fall Undertale style, Black eventually landed face first onto solid rock, before getting up and dusting himself up. The light coming from the surface was surprisingly dim, and barely illuminated his surroundings, so he decided to pull out a rusty trusty headlamp, strapping it to his hat and switching it on as he surveyed the area around him.

And slowly it began to click how lucky he was to have fallen down here. From what he saw, this cavern was rather large and spacious, complete with a tall ceiling and plenty of room. Plus, a small little spring was in the corner, so free clean water. Black Spy could already picture it now... The explosive ordinance factory would go over there, the robot workshop would go right there, the plasma generator would be somewhere in that area... No no no, he was getting too ahead of himself, he had to start simple.

Step one of making a evil hideout, is to make it a home.

Reaching into his pockets, the Black spy pulled out a toolbox, an industrial welder, several pieces of home depot wood, steel beams, and ikea furniture pieces, before finally pulling out a hammer and getting to work. For those asking how he managed to fit all this in his pockets, you're asking the wrong dude. Wait, no, I'm the narrator, you are supposed to ask me. Uhhhh... Pocket dimension, no other explanation cause that's the best I got and you ain't getting anything else. Okay, that sounded rude, anyways let's move on before the forth wall ceases to exist and this story becomes more self aware than the amazing world of Gumball.

...

Dang it, it already is! Quick, do a time skip while I repair the forth wall!

Black spy hammered in the last nail into the wooden board as he wiped the sweat off his brow and stepped back to review his handywork. Steel support beams ran up to the ceiling, holding it up while holding industrial lamps and fans as well as holding up wooden beams which stretched across the cavern. And this was just the safety measures to stop any cave-ins, while also keeping it well lit and temperature regulated. He had built himself a kitchen in a corner, as well as a laboratory and the most important of the lair, the workshop.

With many tools, machines, and equipment, the workshop was equipped to construct basically anything. At the larger end of the cave sat a big ol super computer and several other beeping techno gadgets and gizmoes. All of the machinery and technology was powered by an industrial-grade generator located in a smaller cave directly under the main hideout, accessible by a secure door to ensure maximum security. Within her personal quarters, he had a small bed to snooze in and dream up evil vile ideas. How did he get the resources to build all this? Well, it just so happened that he had remembered to bring his portable Evil-Lair Item Printer 2000™, and was able to spam out everything he needed. Of course, the printer crapped out from printing so much, so now he had to rely on what he had, which wouldn't be that hard.

The cave was looking quite nice and homey, and now was currently the time for Black to begin planning his ultimate revenge. And this time, not on White spy, but those ponies that had wronged him back at the castle...

Especially the pink one.

Black rushed over to the drawing board in the workshop, lowering the lamp over it as he pulled out a pencil and began drawing sketches of his newest weapon of mass destruction, snickering to himself as he did so. Soon the diagram was drawn, as swiveled in his chair and stood up, before a welder and welding mask as he lowered it and got to work. The machine came together slowly but surely, as metal plates were melded together, steel bolts screwed into place, and iron parts hammered into the correct shape, all of it fitting together like a big puzzle piece. And as Black stepped back from his newly finished war machine and marveled at it's design.

The glorious Steam-Tank, complete with treads for mobility and a steam powered machine gun and cannon, capable of blowing anything it hits to kingdom come. The hatch of the tank opened with a hiss as Black placed goggles over his eyes and climbed inside, the engine starting as the tank slowly crawled forward into the center of the cave, before a metal platform sensed the weight and rose upwards as an elevator to the surface, lifting the tank up through the hole in the cave ceiling and stopp as it drove off the platform. The elevator lowered again before the hole was sealed by a metal blast door, and the tank drove onto the path and through the forest, slowly picking up speed as the speedometer read thirty miles per hour.

The ground rumbled with the passing of the massive mechanized machine, the earth itself trmbiling at the might of glorious German- I mean Spy engineering! Within the path of the tank stood one of those perfidious wooden canines, however it would not obscure Black's path for long. Black snicked to himself as he reached for a lever to his right and pulled it, as his steering wheel shifted into a joystick and the viewing port changed to show the machine gun as Black gripped the stick and turned it towards the wolf, who was now looking much less brave than before. With the press of a button, a hail of bullets rapidly fired from the MG, gunning down the beast and filling it with lead as it broke apart into tiny wooden sticks. With the obstacle removed, Black shifted the vehicle back into drive mode and continued forward.

Soon, the tiny town of Ponyville was in sight, with Black gazing out of his tanks view port with malicious intent and snickering to himself, scanning for any potential targets. He saw the boutique building, home to that one fashionista, definitely a viable threat to destroy. There was a large tree house which doubled as a library, and considering how that one purple pony had lots of knowledge in her brain, that was probably her tree house, and thus another dwelling added to the hit list. Finally, there was a large building in the shape of a large confectionery. It seemed practically obvious which of his equine rivals inhabitated his building, as he grinned a maniacal grin.

Target locked.

The venting of steam and clanking of gears was heard as the heavy machine slowly rolled along the ground, it's treads slowly pulling it forward as it left distinct tracks. The distinct sound of a shell being loaded into the main cannon was heard, along with the connection of a belt of bullets into the machine gun. The cannon slowly adjusted it's aim, slightly lowering before locking onto the large confectionary shaped building.

Time to recreate the literal form of the word 'Sugar-Bomb'.

Of course, he would have, if the side of his tank hadn't been struck by a sudden missile blast, rocking the tank and causing Black to fall over in his seat disoriented. He quickly shook his head and opened the hatch, clambering out to view the damage and find what had shot at him. The damage itself wasn't bad, but the source of it made his blood boil as the distinct sound of rapidly rotating blades was heard paired with the hissing of more steam as White spy snickered from the cockpit of his steam dual-rotored Helicopter, it's three remaining missiles attempting to lock onto Black as he yelled and quickly climbed back inside the tank, sealing the hatch as he took evasive maneuveurs.

The tank swerved and its engine groaned as it quickly rolled out of the way of another incoming missile, the explosion detonating right behind the tank and rattling its armor. Black switched gears and aimed the main cannon, firing a shot towards the copter only for it to swerve out of the way, letting the stray shot fly through the air before landing and blowing a poor ponies to smithereens right as he was returning from work.

"Ah man I just finished paying my mortgage!"

Switching to his machine gun, Black swerved his turret to try and zero in on the evasive airborne threat, finally getting good tone as he fired a quick succession of gunifre, pinging off of the copters armor until one lucky bullet struck an unlaunched missile, causing it to explode and blow the copters back rotor off. White screamed while his vehicle rapidly lost stability and began spinning out of control. Black snickered to himself and relished in his victory, before he realized the copter was spinning towards him.

Well cra-

Boom!

Both vehicles were left as scorched and ruined smoldering wrecks, as Black slowly opened the hatch and slinked his way out, falling to the ground with a cough. He looked to see his opponent had not survived the crash, so he claimed victory. At least until he succumbed to internal bleeding.

All the while Pinkie Pie and her friends watched from Sugarcube Corner as Twilight was busy rapidly writing a new letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, so I know I'm gonna sound crazy, but...

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

The music slowly approached the climax with everyone on the dance floor vibing to the beat and enjoying themselves gleefully, dancing elegantly and gracefully with their glorious dresses glistening in the light. The disco ball above spun and shimmered, as the two gentleman Spys in their disguises snickered to themselves, nodding to each other before each pulling out their own remote, and pressing big red buttons.

Time to take this fashion show to the next level of 'sparkly'.

11. Hot and Cold

Believe it or not, coming up with plans to kill your arch-rival was in fact, very difficult. Sure, executing the plans was simple enough, but when said plans require so many variables to be in the right place at the right time, it was hard to properly adapt them to the situation. Being in a magical land of technicolor talking ponies didn't help, at all. White couldn't even search up ideas for his diabolical plans of destruction now! He didn't even have sat-nav, oh the humanity!

There was also the critical issue of the freezing cold filling his hideout even after installing a space heater to try and warm things up. Said heater almost caused a fire, which left White spy a little toasty, but more crispy than actually warm. And now, he was getting annoyed, because he simply couldn't work or even think in these conditions. Why couldn't these ponies just have global warming like everyone else?

Wait... Warming... That's it!

Quickly dashing off to check through his toolbox, he grabbed a welder and welding mask, sliding the mask over his eyes before grabbing materials and rushing outside, the sound of hammer smashing, bolts screwing, drills whirring, and welders hissing heard as the White spy worked on his dastardly device. When he was finished, he marveled at his creation, a large machine with a circulating heat coil at the base surrounded by metal, with a large emitter dish mounted on top, aiming directly at the sky.

On the machine was a lone dial with temperature controls, as White gripped the dial and twisted it halfway up. The machine whirred and hissed with steam, building up energy and heat before firing a bright orange beam into the sky, its energy dispersing and turning the sky itself bright orange as the snow and ice around him began steaming.

And yet, he still felt chilly... So it needed to be even hotter!

He grabbed the dial again, turning it all the up to a symbol with a flaming skull on it, the beam growing wider and brighter as it's effect intensified, the snow and ice dissolving into mist as the White spy sighed in content, finally getting some warmth. The heat also caused the clouds to disperse, as White walked inside his hut, grabbing a lawn chair and glasses before laying the chair out and laying back, pulling out his silver screen to get a nice tan going, seeing as he was a little bit pale.

The scissors slipped out of Rarity's magical grasp once more, the sweat gathering on her brow disrupting her magic as she groaned in frustration, gripping a fan with her magic and waving it for any sense of coolness as she panted. "Oh this dreadful heat makes it impossible to work... Those weather-ponies never mentioned a heatwave!" Rarity said, deciding to take a break as she walked out, only to dramatically yell as her hoof hissed when touching the red hot stone ground before her hooves. The ground itself was steaming as everybody was hiding in the shade, as Derpy just walked along seemingly unbothered by the heat.

"Goodness gracious, this is far too intense to be a simple heatwave!" Rarity said, taking a couple extra steps back to ensure she didn't burn herself again.

"Yeah, tell me about! Everypony at the Rainbow factories can't figure it out! Well, mostly cause they all took the day off from it being too hot." Rainbow Dash said, using her wings to hover off the ground and keeping a rain cloud over her head to keep cool. "This heat isn't natural! And I think, it's got something to do with that!" She said pointing towards a large mountain range past the Everfree, particularly at the great beam of orange light shooting into the sky.

"That certainly seems odd... We should gather our friends together and solve this post haste, I simply cannot work in these conditions!"

"Alright, come under my newly patented heat-brella!"

"You seriously did not just call your cloud that." Rarity said as she quickly stepped under the rain cloud.

"You bet I did. Now come on, let's go tell Twilight and others!"

Black Spy officially declares that being hot is easily the worst thing in the world. Sure, being cold sucked, but constantly sweating and panting made it impossible for him to finish work on his invention. You'd think being in a cave would help, but it sadly didn't. Wearing black was also a very bad thing to do in high heat conditions, so clearly this was partially his fault, but he did not regret his clothing choice, because black is superior to white. So imagine Black Spy's frustration when he hops on his elevator and exits his cave to see the telltale bright orange sky beam that's common to see from an Heat Ray. That dang White Spy probably built one just so he could kick back and relax in his mountain top home without freezing to death.

That simply, could not stand, as Black Spy ran back into his hideout to grab some supplies, and got to work. Building a global freezing ray would be more difficult than a global warming ray, but luckily Black was a bit more adept at cryogenic engineering than his colleague. Grabbing a tool box and a box of metal scraps, he moved to a clearing in the forest and got to work as he hammered nails, sawed plates in half, and screwed in... Well, screws.

The resulting device was similar to the heat ray in design, but instead of a dish the machine had a spiral coil jutting upwards, the sheer cold emanating from it enough to make Black shiver. But the beads of sweat dripping down his brow told him that standing next to the source of cold wasn't enough, as he grabbed the dial and decided to fully send it, turning the dial all the way up to a symbol of a skull with snowflakes in it's eyes.

A bright blue beam of pure freezing cold fired up into the sky, blending with the bright orange and over-powering it as the sky turned blue before it was shrouded by a massive cloud, snow beginning to blanket the landscape as Black walked back towards his lair with a smile on his face. He could definitely go for some hot chocolate now, especially now that he saw a full-on blizzard heading his way.

"Okay, now this is getting ridiculous. Literally just a few seconds ago I felt like I was going to melt, now it feels like I'm going to be turned to ice!" Rainbow Dash with frustration in her tone as she flapped her wings to blow the snow off her and her friends, as Fluttershy was seen shivering.

"T-thi-this isn-isn't nat-natural, the po-poor ani-animals must be free-zing, cause nor-normally they'd h-hibernate in this c-cold!"

"Ho-how is this even po-possible!? It was literally sw-sweltering a few moments ag-ago!" Twilight said, teeth chattering as not even her emergency heat spell managed to dispell the freezing cold.

"It's 'nother one of 'em sky beams, look!" Applejack said, pointing towards the bright blue, it's light contrasting with the orange as the two fired parallel into the sky! "You think this is some kinda weird magic thing, Twi?"

"I- I'm not cert-certain, I've never temperature shifting magic as extreme as this!"

"Well, we've gott-gotta go and stop it then!" Rainbow Dash yelled out, before a cracking of branches was heard above them, tree limbs snapping and leaves falling as the ponies looked up to see a large blanket of snow barely being held by a single branch. "Ah horseappl-" WUMP. "Well this sucks."

A slight shiver went down White's spine, and that meant something was definitely wrong. He lifted his shades to inspect his heat ray only to see it was working fine, aside from the ice accumulating on it. Wait, ice? Impossible! The spy shot up and looked to see the bright blue telltale of a freeze ray, groaning in annoyance. That darned Black spy wanted things to stay cool huh? Well too bad, cause now things are gonna get heated! The White spy rushed over, grabbing the dish of the ray and aiming it directly at the source of the cold beam, it's intense heat focused onto the cryo machine as it sparked and hissed with steam and smoke rising from it's vent.

Black spy felt a heat wave rush over him as he turned to see his device being bombarded by that blasted heat beam, as Black quickly rushed over and angled the coil right back at the beam, the two of them intersecting at a middle point as a balance of hot and cold was gathering in a slowly glowing orb of temperamental energy in the center. Snicking, Black decided to use a back up plan, grabbing the dial and switching it to a previously hidden setting, showing the world encased in ice.

White, seeing his glorious heat ray was losing the battle, quickly turned up his machine as well,the depiction of a burning world doing little to dissuade him as he turned it all the way up and laughed maniacally as the two beams fought for dominance and power. Both spies failed to notice the various warnings and alerts beeping on the machines as gauges and readouts malfunctioned from the extreme temperatures and large amount of power being. The beeping reached a climax as the devices to come apart, the heat ray's nuts and bolts bursting and flying out in puffs of steam as the entire machine shook and became encased in fire, while the freeze ray was slowly being encased in ice as the metal groaned.

The beeping got louder and louder, faster and faster, before the two spies looked towards their machine simultaneously and had a collective thought.

Oh poop.

KABOOM!

On that day, two extra miniature burning bright suns were on the horizon, and it left Celestia very confused.

Black spy grumbled to himself as he dusted off the soot and patted away the fires raging on his chest with his hat, pinching the little ember on his nose before stepping onto the elevator down into his lair and groaning as he collapsed in his chair.

Man, he could go for a cold beer right now. Though he was pretty sure he would die of temperature shock if he touched anything that wasn't room temperature.

Suddenly, however, a little device he had built in the corner began to beep and buzz. His message interceptor was triggered, but how? These primitive ponies barely even had a functional rail system, how did they have telecommunications? The Spy stood up and walked over right as the device dinged and shot out... A letter with the seal of a star? Quickly opening it the Black Spy inspected it's contents.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today was a rather odd day once more, as you no doubt felt and saw from Canterlot. First, it was hot, then it was cold, then it fluctuated before something in the Everfree and mountains both exploded with the force and fury of Rarity when her dress gets dirty. Honestly, I give up trying to understand it, but we did have a fun day in the snow, so it wasn't all bad.

Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

First, blech and ew to the tenth power. Second, Black sniffed the letter...

And he smelled opportunity.

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

You smell like a doodoo fart and your hair is weird. Also I am very dumb and smelly. Also also I think the farm pony is secretly gay.

12. Mixed Messages

Okay so, status report.

Current situation has improved marginally, hideout has been expanded through excavation and the new walling and flooring have gone in nicely. New equipment for the workshop and laboratory was still under construction but coming along nicely. Living quarters had several new amenities installed, including an air conditioner unit, thank god or whatever divine entity exists in this realm for that. White spy still at large and location unknown, annoying. Ponies still running around spouting friendship and harmony nonsense, super annoying. Pink pony still alive, unbearably infuriating.

Overall, not bad compared to his time in Malaysia. Sure he blew it up in the end, but it was fun. Still not sure why he had to go to ground as a police officer, but it was a good break from all the spy work. He even took up warhammer as a hobby- Oh great he's getting off topic, this world is truly corrupting him with it's twisted magic! It must be fought against! And luckily, he had just the tool, as he looked over one of his first ever inventions as a spy, the Interceptio-tron 9000. The 9000 was due to the previous 8999 versions malfunctioning on a scale from shorting out to turning his laboratory into a crater. He's still not sure how that second part was even possible, but still, it was a very powerful device, capable of intercepting any phone call, text message, telegram, any form of advanced communication was not safe from his machine!

And apparently, it intercepted mail! He legitimately did not know, and it left him very confused and wondering what other hidden capabilities his inventions had as he eyed his toasta-tron 2. We don't talk about toasta-tron 1. Regardless, going over the letter once more, two things were clear. One, that ugly little purple pony of friendship, wretched, was the 'student' of this nation's monarch, Celestia. Well, was she the monarch? It said she was a princess, but for some reason these ponies don't know what a Queen is and just skipped to making the princess in charge.

Then again, considering that Celestia was essentially an immortal alicorn goddess, which made him question his entire existence for a second upon first hearing it, it makes sense the ponies would want her in charge. Moving on to the second point, he had a potentially dangerous tool in his hands now, even more dangerous than before. He just had to test it.

The Interceptio-tron 9000 has a secondary feature of being able to send a message so encrypted that not even it could crack it's own code. Very useful for making mission reports, and also impersonating and spreading false info. So, if he theoretically wrote a letter imitating this Twilight and falsifying a letter in place of the one he intercepted...

His grin widened until it became a devilish smile the Grinch would be proud of. And so he walked over to his desk as he quickly pulled out a paper and pen, inspecting the letter and it's specific hand writing before putting the finishing touches with the signature, placing the paper inside the letter and resealing it, before bounding over to the interceptio-tron 9000 and slotting the letter inside. A few beeps and whirs, clicks and ticks, and...

Ding!

The letter is beamed away by drawing on the inherent magical energy around it, as the envelope zipped through the forth dimension at the speed of light toward it's destination, leaving only the snickering of Black behind it.

Celestia happily hummed to herself as she sat within the throne room, the last pony petitioner taking their leave as the princess dreamed of eating cake and enjoying the day with her sister and giving her modern ponish lessons, seeing as her old-ponish speak was definitely grating on Celestia's ears now. However, a poof of bright green flame caused her to immediately snap out of her daydreaming and quickly catch the letter from her gracious student in her magical grasp, smiling as he opened the enveloped and gazed at the parchment within.

"... What in my name? Wait, that sounds egotistical... What in the name of Faust? Yes, that's far better. Yet still, what!?"

Princess Twilight was in the midst of brushing the snow from her mane and at the same time cooling herself off with a fan, leaving her already overclocked brain in a confused mess at the whole scenario. First, during her regular book studies the temperature would have an intense spike of heat, then came a massive wave of cold, and as she went to investigate with her friends she saw two bright beams of orange and blue light piercing the heavens, as if they were projected by the sisters themselves. And then, the point where the lasers were being emitted from was consumed in a great explosive blast which shook the earth. Needless to say, her report to Princess Celestia was very interesting, and she was really looking forward to see how she reacted.

The distinct burst of shimmering light in her library was definitely unexpected, as she proceeded to fall back out of her chair and flat on her flank with a yelp. She looked up to see the large and intimidating Princess Celestia standing over her, and once again she was reminded of how dang tall alicorns are. Like dang, even Luna dwarfed some ponies and she was tiny compared to Celestia. Twilight quickly regained her focus just as Celestia focused her attention on her.

"Greetings Twilight. I do not mean to intrude upon you... Especially considering your... Disrupted state." She said taking note of the still remaining specks of snow in Twilight's unkempt hair, combined with the light sweat running her face. "But I wish to speak to you on an important matter."

"Oh, is it about my letter?"

"Why yes actually... And it's contents leave me... Perplexed." To demonstrate her points Celestia poofed the letter into view and dropped into Twilight's hoof as she quickly opened it and inspected it's contents.

'Dear Princess Celestia,

You smell like a doodoo fart and your hair is weird. Also I am very dumb and smelly. Also also I think the farm pony is secretly gay.

From Twilight Sparkle.'

... What?

"What?"

"What indeed Twilight. For one thing I am not even sure what gay means in this context, does it not mean happy?"

"I think it means that somepony like's the same gender as them, like a mare liking another mare."

"I see... Well then, good for her, but still, were the insults, both towards me and yourself, necessary?"

"Well that's the thing, I didn't write this!"

"Truly? Even if it bears your signature?"

"Yes, but look at the hoof writing! It makes no sense!" Celestia brought up the letter to her face for better viewing.

"Oh yes, you appear to be right, whoever falsified this letter clearly forgot to add the little part underneath your h's and e's. Very well, I apologize for the confusion my dear student. But regardless, now you can properly inform me of what the original letter's contents were, yes?"

"Of course! So, did you notice how it got really hot today?"

"Yes..."

"And then it got super cold?"

"Indeed, that was rather odd..."

"And then two giant beams started pointing at each other before both sources exploded?"

"... I do not believe I saw that part. Twilight are you certain it was not a mere freak weather incident? Not that I am disbelieving you but this is quite... Strange. Such rapid temperature changes have never been recorded, even the most powerful of Pegasi are unable to perform such feats, at least within the short time span you describe."

"I know right?! And then there was the big explosion, and the giant sky beams, and the fact that all this weird stuff started happening thanks to those weird bird nosed guys, and-"

"Twilight, your hyperventilating." Celestia said as she placed a hoof on her students shoulder, Twilight slowing her breathing as she recollected her thoughts and straightened her mane as she shook her head.

"Sorry, it's just... Well, you weren't wrong when you said coming to ponyville would be interesting. Not a dull day here. Although I think I'm starting to get a headache."

"That is alright my dear student, if you must you may take a temporary break and recollect your thoughts. I shall return to the castle to study on this strange phenomena for you, and shall write what I find to you later today."

"Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you Celestia!" Twilight said as she hugged her mentor as Celestia patted her student on the head.

"Of course."

Black was still retching into his bucket of sick as he watched this whole boat load of horse dung in the form of 'friendship' and 'happiness' through his mega spy-scope he had installed into his cave's ceiling, a periscope extending out of the ground disguised as a tree as it's gaze easily reached into that perplexing purple ponies abode. Another final spewing of bile into the bucket allowed Black some peace as he dumped it into the recycling bin, because vomit can be used as fertilizer for the greenhouse he was planning, and went back over to his desk and groaned to himself. Having heard that entire pitiful exchange thanks to the scopes long range microphone Black was fully aware his plan had gone up in smoke.

Except... Celestia said she'd be sending a letter herself. Perhaps another to intercept... Though this time, he needs to be a bit more... Convincing. A bit more... Cunning. A bit more... Direct.

Now where did he leave his pipe bombs? He could swear he had them around here somewhere... Oh right, they were in the cupboard. He quickly retrieved a step ladder to reach an upper cabinet hanging above his workbench as he opened the door to-

BOOM.

... Right, he forgot he had rigged the pipe bombs to the door as a safety measure. And as he lay in a pile of smoldering pieces at the bottom of the ladder he began to reconsider what he defined as 'safe'. After pulling himself together, metaphorically and literally, he retrieved the one intact bomb and slapped it into the Interceptio-tron 9000 before turning to the destination dial. He then turned it to a mailbox icon, and hit send, as the door sealed up and the machine beeped and whirred before the bomb vanished while Black snickered to himself.

... Wait was it targeting a mailbox instead of Celestia? Eh, doesn't matter, probably not important.

White spy silently sipped on his hot cocoa as he sat by the warm blazing fire he had built up inside his furnace, heating the now fully insulted walls of his mountain-top hideout, all of the windows now having proper winter sealing as he sat in the living area isolated from the rest of the evil base below and the telescope in the observatory above. Unlike that foolish Black spy, he had proper living arrangements, even if it was annoying to walk everywhere.

Ding-dong!

... Was that the doorbell? No wait, he had a different notification sound for the doorbell, that was actually the sound for when there's mail in his mailbox. He knew that thing would be worth the investment, as he quickly jumped out of his chair and walked over toward the access door for the box, opening it and-

Derpy Hooves was enjoying her day, loving the sight of the beautiful bright sky with the wonderful green grass below. Almost nothing could shatter the serenity of this perfectly calm moment, absolutely nothing at all-

Derpy turned towards the source, managing to focus both her eyes on the tippity top of the nearby mountain to see a pillar of smoke rising from within a small metal building perched on the top. The door then opened as a very toasty looking two legged mosquito man stepped out, straightened his hat, and fell face forward into the snow with a groan. Eventually the figure stood up, dusted himself off, had a little temper tantrum, then walked back inside and slammed the door behind him.

Well that was weird. Oh well, she's got a delivery to Canterlot to make, might as well hurry along. And so Derpy began humming her way along as she soared through the skies over Ponyville and toward Canterlot, happily bobbing up and down through the sky. As she soared over the castle of Celestia however, she failed to look down and notice the slight chip that broke off of one of the statues in the courtyard. It probably wasn't important, but still, someone should call a repairman... Or stonemason? Who fixes statues?

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

Guess who's back? Back again?

Author's Note

BEHOLD MY RETURN. Feels good.

13. Guess Who's Back

White let out a sigh of exasperation as he next to his fireplace, rubbing an ice pack on his head while wearing a blanket and sipping hot chocolate and ice water at the same time, his body still recovering from such drastic temperature changes thanks to the detonation of both his and his nemesis' temperature control machines. He got his wish of being nice and warm, but being cold at the same time kinda defeated the purpose.

Regardless, his new hideout was coming along very nicely, the hollowing out of the subterranean weapons development lab and manufacturing plant was going well, the observatory and anti-orbital laser was going swimmingly, and the new coffee machine worked like a charm. And despite his current condition, his mind was clear enough to where he could reasonably draft up a new plan for vengeance on his rival.

Except that he couldn't for the life of him think of any ideas! Which is very unusual, as when it comes to thinking up plots to absolutely obliterate his mortal nemesis he's typically very adept at developing devilish designs for dastardly destruction. And yet, at this moment, he just couldn't concentrate.

Wait... Concentrate... Disrupting someone's concentration is a very effective way of generally screwing with them and ruining their day... Heavy vibrations and tremors can disrupt concentration, and considering that with his recent studies of this area's geology showing they're right on top of a dormant tectonic plate...

Oh he definitely had an idea now. An idea that would definitely shake things up, not just for his nemesis, but for all of those dumb ponies!

Now he just had to build it...

Now where did he leave that seismic disruption emitter? For something as big as a table it is very easy to misplace...

Black Spy was rather proud of how his glorious hideout was coming along, sitting at his evil desk and sipping his evil coffee. The new foundry was overclocked as it manufactured a glorious line of new device and machinery that would be critical in his efforts to expand and grow, his workshop already expanded with designs already drawn up on the post boards and blackboards, bits and bobs of unfinished machines scattered about as he found himself unable to stick to a single project. The new bedroom was rather cozy, and he rather enjoyed the new home entertainment system, especially with it's built-in secondary feature of transforming into a death robot for security.

Black had a recent idea of how he could install a plumbing system by tapping into an underground stream he discovered while digging out his missile silo, but the piping would take months to-

Suddenly, everything began to bounce and jitter around him, including himself as his entire body shook and vibrated, the entire cave quaking as his seismic scanner spiked, causing him to panic and dive under his evil desk, his evil coffee paying the ultimate price and crashing upon impact with the ground as he mourned it's loss. Curse this earthquake! But wait, this wasn't a normal earthquake, no it felt different, he had experience with earthquakes considering he had weaponized them before, and this one had that same artificial feel to it, which means either the earth ponies could cause tremors, or...

Oh that idiot wants to play tectonic tussle huh? Well two can tango, as Black slid on his anti-tremor boots and angrily stopped toward his one currently functional project...

Deploy the Giga-Drilldozer! EX edition!

Princess Celestia found herself enjoying a rather nice cup of tea provided to her by her dear assistant Inkwell. It was a rather nice blend, and it helped to settle her nerves after all of the more... Chaotic happenings that have been occurring in her kingdom. She felt a shiver at that word, chaos, dreading the possibility of it's patron ever breaking from their prison. Thankfully, that was impossible, not even he could escape his statue prison-

Suddenly, she felt the earth begin to shake and jolt, shudder and tremor, pondering if the castle was either undergoing renovations or finally giving away to gravity considering it's perilous position on the side of a mountain. Regardless, she set her shaken tea aside and stood up, trotting over to the balcony to look below and see the rest of Canterlot having the jitters, as carts failed to keep steady and shops had their produce bounce out of their stalls, and some ponies outright became sick from the constant shaking.

Hmmmm, were those diamond dogs causing this ruckus? Perhaps they were digging underneath Canterlot at the moment... Thankfully, she had just the spell to sense where they could be digging, as her horn glowed with it's golden aura as she used tremor sense, a rather old spell but quite effective at doing what it says on the tin, sending out pulses of magical energy into the ground through the users hooves to feel for any disturbances below. Eventually, she received a ping back of a singular object boring a tunnel directly under her at exceedingly fast speeds, certainly too fast for a diamond dog. And while the information was limited due to it being a simple pulse, she could tell the object was built of... Metal?

Perhaps it was those Flim Flam brother and one of their big money schemes? Or perhaps the Diamond Dogs discovered modern excavation equipment? She couldn't know for certainty, but did know it was an issue. However, it was slowly moving out of her range, and she could feel the tremors become weaker and weaker as it moved, so maybe it would sort itself out.

She let out a content hum and turned her head back to her glorious tea, unaware of the now growing cracks along a statue in her garden, as it shook even with the tremors subsiding.

It was official, Black Spy was lost. Turns out operating a house sized drilldozer deep underground without any form of determining your current location or heading was very difficult when you had a specific destination in mind. The map certainly wouldn't help considering there were no signs, and the GPS had no satellites to connect to, something he'd correct once he got the rocket silo up and running. Then he'd drag this backwater world into the space age!

Still, at the very least the drill was running perfectly, as he sat inside his armored cockpit surrounded by displays and control, all glowing a nice green hue as he sat back, hearing the pinging and tinging of rock debris off his iron shell, along with the low humming of the electric engine and the loud thrumming of the drill and it's turning. He hadn't bothered painting the cold grey exterior considering it's going to be underground where nobody will see it, and plus all the rocks would probably chip the paint.

Regardless, he should be in a sufficient position to execute his glorious plan of retribution, even if he is off target. By checking his geo-radar he quickly determined he was approaching a mountain, as he set his speed to slow down and he began flipping levers and turning knobs and pressing bits and bobs all around the cockpit, displays showing the drill's plating shifting and forming as the side's opened up and two massive spikes emerged. When the drill came to a stop the spikes turned and stabbed into the ground, iron pistons shifting out from the drill's bottom as everything was in place.

All Black had to do, was press the button marked 'Shake It Up'.

He proceeded to slam his fist down onto it as the spikes began releasing intense kinetic pulses into the ground, causing even the well built hydraulics of the drill to be overwhelmed as it shook violently. Then the secondary tremor pistons began slamming into the ground in sequence, amplifying and spreading out the earth shaking force, as he could feel the sheer power in his rattling bones. He could only imagine how bad the shaking was on the surface...

The Tremorinator was working rather splendidly if White would say so himself. A specially targeted geological disruption emitter that could be sent to emit powerful tectonic plate shaking waves into a targeted area and shake what mother earth gave it. He wasn't exactly sure where Black spy had his hideout, so he just set it to generally target that stupid pony village and the forest of death near it. Oh he could imagine all the irritation he was causing his nemesis as he held a still cooling cup of coffee in his hands, relishing in a day well ruined for his enemy-

Suddenly, heavy shaking jolted White in his recliner, causing him to release his grip on his cup of coffee and spill it right on his chest. Now, normally he doesn't care about coffee stains, but this instance was different, because the coffee that caused the stain could rival the hottest fires of hell in how HOT it was, as he let out a scream that echoed through the mountains and shot out of his chair and into the ceiling, jamming himself in place as he groaned, pulling himself out as he fell to the floor and dried out his shirt as he groaned. All of this, while still being shook and rattled like a tin can getting hit by an eighteen wheeler!

But that didn't make any sense, the Tremorinator was meant to keep the quaking away from his hideout and where Black's hideout should be! So the only reason it would be shaking is...

Oh it is so on! White slowly and shakily walked his way over to the ladder down into the subterranean part of the base, grabbing it and sliding down into his workshop. He slowly made his way over to his computer and took a seat, everything still rattling around him with the screen glitching as he activated his hideout's subterranean scanner system to pinpoint the source. Soon, he received a ping back, revealing a new drilled out tunnel system below his mountain, and that foul fool's drill! Well, it's a good thing White had planned for such an occasion, as he pressed a couple buttons and pulled a lever, causing a hatch in the floor to hiss and whir open, as his special robot of the day emerged in all of it's steel glory.

It's massive steel claws could shatter even the toughest of bedrock, it's armor could endure the heat of the earth's inner core, and it had enough power and speed to dig to China in under an hour! The Mole-bot, built after nature's natural drill! It's head popped open as a hatch for White to climb inside, sealing shut as it's eyes opened and glowed a piercing red, all systems powering on as White sat in the cramped cockpit, latching his arms into place as he linked them to the diggers arms, moving in sync with them as he cracked his fingers and stabbed through the ground, digging straight down towards his hated enemy, the quaking growing stronger and stronger the closer he got. The mole-bot's radar pinged the drill directly in front of White as he prepared his claws to cut that stupid Black spy to ribbons.

Said Black spy was busy reclining in his shaking seat, hydraulics overclocked to reduce the shaking as he sipped on some nice apple juice that'd he had recently stolen from that stupid farmer pony. However, a ping on his radar drew his attention, as he turned to the screen to see a small blip rapidly moving towards him from above. That can't be good-

A heavy and loud thud was heard, as alarms blared with a readout of the drilldozer showing damage to the hull, as it identified something stopping along on top of the armored exterior. Then, Black, totally stoic and definitely not screaming like a little girl, watched as a giant pair of steel claws stabbed right through his armored cockpit, tearing open a hole as terrifying red eyes stared him down. His totally not screaming continued as one of the claws reached into the hole and tried to grab him like a squeaky toy under the couch, eventually grabbing hold of his leg and attempting to pull him out as he held on tight.

In his struggle he accidentally grabbed onto the ignition lever and pulled it up as the drill's engine started up again, all of it's earth shaker equipment packing up inside of itself before it's treads began to roll again. Another pull from his mechanical assailant caused him to lose grip, as he desperately reached and grabbed the wheel, causing the drilldozer to jerk and turn right, eventually aiming at the tunnel where it came from before he was pulled off the wheel, though not intentionally, as the sudden turn had thrown the machine off balance, causing it to stumble onto it's back and fling him out of the cockpit and on top of the now rapidly moving drill.

As Black regained his senses he looked up to see the machine standing back up and giving him a death glare, one of it's arms raising and firing out it's claw like a missile, attached to a cable as it soared at Black, who barely managed to roll out of the way and dodge it as the claw stabbed into the drilldozer's armored plating, specifically into the engine bay, damaging the autopilot system and causing a glitch that forced it into maximum speed.

The drilldozer's rear shifted and opened up to reveal thrusters, as Black looked back and quickly activated his boots magnet function to stick himself in place right as the thrusters ignited and the dozer blasted forward at top speed, the sudden speed boost causing the mole bot to lose balance and tip over, flying over Black's head right as he ducked and was left hanging onto the drill by it's still stuck in place claw. The mole bot flailed in the back draft of the thrusters like a flag in a storm, slamming into the sides of the tunnel as White screamed in the cockpit, trying to wrestle back control, before panicking as he saw Black approach the cable, waving at the mole bot before pulling out a comically large pair of scissors.

Black snickered to himself as he moved the scissors into position, and then...

Snip!

The cable was cut, snapping back and slapping into the mole bot's face as it was left un-tethered to the drill machine, falling to the ground as it bounced and battered itself against the ground, soon vanishing from sight far back in the tunnel as Black relished in his victory, having left that dumb White in the dust. He threw the pair of scissors aside, turning his attention back to wrestling control of his machine, when suddenly he heard something echo through the cave, heard even over the blazing of the dozer's thrusters and the grinding of it's treads, as he turned back and squinted his eyes to see a fast approaching light, then screaming when he realized the source was flying right at him!

Black barely had time to dive back as the mole bot slammed onto the drilldozer, it's feet denting it's hull and it's thrusters scorching it's plating as the hatch had been flung off to reveal a very much enraged White spy, as he angrily shook his fist that was no longer connected to the drill bot's missing arm before raising his other arm and rushing at Black, causing the spy to dive into the cockpit for cover. Black fumbled through his coat for a weapon as he narrowly parted his legs just in time to dodge the mole bot's claw as it slammed between his legs and into the control panel, causing yet another glitch as the drilldozer's bottom deployed it's own thrusters, lifting it up as it's drill pierced through the cave ceiling and it began tunneling it's way upward, rubble and debris flying past the mole bot, with a boulder slamming into White's face and shoving him and the bot back.

Black spy used this opportunity to crawl out of the cockpit, momentarily ducking to dodge a rock soared overhead before drawing his revolver and firing it at White spy, who raised the mole bot's arm to protect himself before he fired it at Black, who barely managed to swerve to the side and avoid the arm as it made contact with the drill, the cable becoming wrapped up in the rapidly spinning machine and causing White to scream and leap from the machine as it soon ran out of cable to be pulled and had itself be forcefully wrapped into the drill, broken down to scrap in seconds as the powerful drill screamed and hissed against the metal, a fire engulfing it as alarms blared across the drill, smoke billowing and blinding the two spies.

The drilldozer's ascent continued as White spy coughed from the smoke, barely able to see the incoming metal plate that once belonged to his now scrapped bot slam into his face, knocking him onto his back. Through the smog and smoke he was barely able to see the silhouette of his hated nemesis, his pearly white sinister smile visible even through the smoke as he then saw the silvery glint of the revolver's barrel aimed square at his head. He covered his eyes in fear, waiting for the end...

Then he covered his eyes because holy crap it got extremely bright all of a sudden, as the drilldozer broke through the earth and sailed into the sky, the sun's light shining down on the two spies, blinding their darkness adapted eyes. When their vision cleared, they saw they were quite high, sailing through the sky, like those little einsteins that Black tried to blow out of the sky that one time.

Then, they heard a sputtering, both spies turning to see the dozer's engines smoking and sputtering, the flames dying before they completely extinguished, exhausted of fuel. The two spies exchanged glances, before the dozer suddenly remember gravity existed, and began to plummet out of the sky, leaving the two spies to hold each other in sheer terror and panic, screaming as they fell. At least until they started arguing about who's fault this was and began strangling each other with furious vigor.

"Now this, is a really interesting statue... What do you notice about it?" Mrs Cherilee said to her class, as they all stood within the world famous Canterlot statue garden, specifically before a statue with many mismatched features.

"It's got an evil claw!" Applebloom blurted out.

"And a lion paw!' Shouted Scootaloo.

"And a- Wait, why is it so cracked and broken looking?" Sweetie Belle said, her previous statement discarded to address the fact that the statue had several cracks and chips falling off it, and instead of a stone interior it looked almost... Real.

"Hmmm, good question Sweetie Belle, maybe this one just hasn't received any maintenance. Now then, what do you think-" Cherilee was interrupted and sighed as she pointed her hoof at Scootaloo, who had her hoof wildly waving in the air. "Scootaloo, if you need to use the bathroom again-"

"No, not that, look up!" Scootaloo said in a panicked tone, pointing her hoof upward as everyone else promptly followed where she was pointing.

"It's a bird!"

"It's a pegasus!"

"It's an egg salad sandwich!" Everyone turned to looked at Silver Spoon, the source of the uncharacteristic statement. "What? I'm hungry."

"Ummm class, perhaps it is best we back away-" Soon the object spotted by Scootaloo was upon them, it's rapidly growing black shadow on the ground reaching maximum size while it's whistling through the air reached a perfect pitch, before it slammed into the ground right behind the statue, shaking the entire garden and knocking everyone on their flanks. When the dust and smoke cleared, the ponies all gasped as they saw a large metallic contraption, lodged in the ground and falling to pieces as fires raged on it's hull, a wheel from it's treads popping out and one of it's thrusters exploding out in a sputter of smoke.

And on top of it, were two Spies still going at it, with White slapping Black off the side of the Dozer and right into the back of the statue, leaving the spy to fall to the ground dazed and with a bump on his head. The point of impact was subject to a spiderweb of cracks and breaking, all spreading across the statues surface, before...

Crash!

The entire statue exploded out in a rain of marble shards and broken stone, all clattering down around them as White got domed on the head by a particularly large piece and fell from the dozer to the ground, looking up to see something standing where the statue once stood. It looked like if you took a bunch of random animal parts and smashed them all together into some kind of chimera shmorgishborg abomination. Then, it let out a yawn, stretching it's misshapen limbs out and opening it's eyes, blinking away it's sleep.

"Ahhh, what a nice nap. Now then, I do believe it's time to thank the ones responsible for my freedom!" Discord said, turning his head behind him, only to gasp as he saw the two Spies staring up at him in a daze. "Oh my word... Could this be? My saviors are none other than..." Suddenly, in a whir of a white and black twister, Discord stood before them wearing... A black and white hat and white and black suit? With a black glove on one hand and a white glove on the other?

Wait...

Oh no...

"MY BIGGEST ROLE MODELS!"

The two Spies stared at each other, one shared thought running through their heads.

What the fu-

To be continued...

Author's Note

MY INSPIRATION RETURNS!

Sorry for the... Looks at calendar

Year long wait, completely lost any and all will to write, but good news, I have regained it.

Behold, my glorious work!

10. Glitterbombing a Galloping Gala

Another day, another time Black spy is forced to haul his crippled and maimed body all the way back to his hideout. Turns out, being immortal was still a solid pain in the rear end when your injuries and the pain from said injuries remain. Luckily, both him and White spy had gotten use to the sheer pain that is existence after one of their failed plans, so the pain was slightly dull. Of course, the 'slightly' part became emphasized as while Black was shambling through the forest, he stubbed his foot on a rock and threatened to break the known record for the loudest possible sound made by a living creature as he screamed in pain.

After several minutes of writhing on the ground in pain, Black let out a grumble as he strained before popping his foot back into place, before snapping his arms and back into the proper orientation and dusting himself off. He soon reached the lift down into his hideout, tapping on the metal door as it opened and he stepped onto the platform as it lowered down. His feet impatiently tapped on the ground while his eye lids twitched in annoyance, before the lift finally reached the ground as Black's silent seething and grumbling turned into a full blown temper tantrum as he proceeded to grab the nearest thing and throw it directly on the ground. Unfortunately, the item he grabbed was a grenade, and upon hitting the ground, it promptly did what grenades do.

Boom!

Black waved away the smoke and pinched the little fire on his hat as he dusted away the ash and soot covering his body before entering a state of deep thought. With his tantrum dissipated and the rage clouding his mind dust on the wind, Black could finally focus. What went wrong?

Answer, White Spy happened.

How did White Spy happen?

Very bad luck.

Solution to bad luck?

None.

Well crap, looks like he didn't have a plan for once. He sat himself down in a chair, or rather he realized he didn't have a chair, quickly constructed one, and then sat down in it so he could think to himself. The sudden sound of knocking on his hideouts metal hatch snapped him out of his thought as he yelled before falling out of his seat. He quickly stood back up as he pressed a button and a periscope descended, putting his eyes up to it as the view of the surface was visible to him. He turned the periscope towards the hatch, expecting to find some kind of CIA raiding team. Instead, he found a mailbox, where there was not a mailbox before. Sufficiently intrigued, he let the periscope up before stepping onto the platform and rising to the surface.

As the hatch opened and he stepped out onto the grass, he turned and opened the mailbox, taking out the letter inside and inspecting it. Well, it wasn't actually a letter, but a scroll, wrapped in a red ribbon with a golden clasp on the exterior. Opening the scroll, Black spy read it's contents.

'Hear ye, hear ye. Her Grand Royal Highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria, is pleased to announce the Grand Galloping Gala to be held in the magnificent capital city of Canterlot, and honorably grants invitation to the recipient of this letter. We hope you-'

He closed the scroll as it seemed to drag on about happiness and friendship and all that dumb drivel. But now he was left with three questions.

One, where did the mailbox come from? Answer, considering that weird pink pony exists, this wasn't that different.

Two, who the heck was Princess Celestia?

Three, what's a galloping gala and why does it have such a stupid name?

Answer to two and three, why not attend the 'Gala' to find out? Black always did appreciate more high society events.

Meanwhile, at the very peak of the mountain White spy was sitting in his secret hideout, which was currently nothing more than a shack at the moment, as he sat around a heater and shivered with icicles forming on the end of his nose. A knock on his door quickly perked his attention as he stood up and opened the blinds on his window, looking to see a mailbox had appeared next to his door. Unlike Black spy, White had actually planned to install his own mailbox, so if anything this was just convenient for him. The box actually had a backdoor leading inside the house, allowing White to withdraw the mail inside without exiting the heat of his hideout. As he reviewed the letter, a devious smirk crossed his face. If he had gotten this letter, then Black had too. And not just that, but the ponies would probably be there as well. And he'd be able to get the drop on all of them...

Time for a plan.

Tonight was the night, the night of the great and grand Galloping Gala. All the newspapers said this event was one of the most important in all of Equestria, and due to it being held in the royal castle at the very heart of Canterlot, of course it had high security. Or at least as high security you can get with a bunch of doofuses in worthless gold armor wielding toothpick spears. No guns to be seen anywhere... This disappointed White Spy greatly. This was going to be easier than he thought.

He watched as ponies passed by wearing all their fancy clothing and dresses, all having a unique variety of colors and decorations to make themselves look snazzy and swag. White spy just found it all gaudy, but A for effort on their part. This whole event wasn't just about fashion though, it involved 'friendship' and 'harmony'. Blech, even barely thinking about it caused White to turn partially green. Not that anyone would notice, seeing as he was hidden inside a garbage can watching in silence for the perfect opportunity.

And soon, it came. He could hear the voices of that perfidious group of six mares walking their way along the path as they all chatted with each other. He watched as the pink one stopped and suddenly started sniffing the air. He started to sweat as her sniffing lead her right up to his current hiding spot, but once she shrugged and bounced away, White spy let out a sigh of relief.

At least until someone dumped their coffee cup inside the trash can. White spy had to do all he could to not break the sound barrier by jumping into near orbit from the sheer scorching heat, looking on as his nemesis snickered before showing his scroll to the guards, as they exchange a confused look before they slowly nodded and let him through.

Good news, he was in fact, invited. Bad news, Black knew plain as day that White was too. And if the pink one suggested anything, the ponies would know too. Great, element of surprise is dust on the wind, just like Peter Parker in infinity war. Okay, that might've been too soon, or too late, but still. The presence of the elements was also a problem due to the fact they had that orbital rainbow friendship laser of death at their disposal, so getting caught was something he wanted to avoid.

Deciding to make his move, he stood up. To any observers, the trash can had suddenly grown legs, and quickly walked past the guards as an arm extended out of the hole showing the invitation, causing the guards to simply shrug while a literal walking trash can walked past. It was a world of magic, anything could happen. Now entering the Gala, White Spy ditched his dingy little trash can disguise and dust himself off. Now though, he was getting looks of disgust from all the pompous prick nobles in the room due to the coffee stain on his shirt. So in order to blend in, he quickly spun around and did a quick costume change, switching into a more stylish fancy white suit complete with a black tie.

He looked across the vast room full of gala-goers and party-ponies to see his nemesis dressed in a more militaristic black uniform with white lining his service cap and a rank patch on his shoulder matching the rank of general, complete with the spy's many gold and silver medals. White knew that Black was always full of himself, but this was just too much. He was tempted to walk over and slap him right in his valor stealing face, but that would work out well for two reasons. One, both spies had served in wartime and if he knew anything he knew that both he and his nemesis deserved that rank. And two, randomly slapping someone in a crowd full of peace loving ponies is a good way to either get kicked out or start a ballroom brawl, neither of which sounded particularly fun.

Yet another devious plan was needed, and as the White spy glanced over to the snack table, he could already feel one creeping into his mind just like the smile over his face. Sneaking his way over to the snack table, he stopped by the punch bowl before checking to make sure nobody was looking before pulling out a special little vial of liquids and letting a couple drops spill into the punch. He then looked to see Black approaching, totally oblivious to White's snickering as he backed away while Black grabbed the punch ladel and poured himself a cup, slowly drinking it before...

...

Why wasn't he violently spontaneously combusting?

He took a look at a tiny sign on the punch bowl. 'Anti-poison enchantment included!' Damn you magic! Alright, new plan. With his combustion powder now acting as punch seasoning, he had to take a more... Spicy approach. So he decided to, while nobody including Black was looking, drop a little jalapeno into his punch. And by the time he realized what he had drunk it was already done his gullet and it was too late, as the heat boiled and caused him to rush to the nearest bathroom. As the door slammed shut, White slowly whistled to himself and snickered before pulling the pin on a grenade and rolling it right under the door, plugging his ears right before the panicked screams of Black and banging on the door were heard. Thankfully, nobody seemed too spooked by the explosion due to it being rather mute thanks to Black shoving the grenade in the toilet and flushing.

The toilet had definitely seen better days though.

As the door opened and a smoking Black spy dusted himself off with a very annoyed expression, he turned and eyed White's smug grin. The two spies stared each other down, before hearing a distinct voice...

"Hey Twilight, wanna see how much punch I can drink in one go?"

That sounded like one of the pink ponies friends... The one with the gay pride hair and the wings. Which meant the whole gang of pestering ponies was nearby. Close enough for revenge. And why not cause a little bit of chaos for everyone else?

The music slowly approached the climax with everyone on the dance floor vibing to the beat and enjoying themselves gleefully, dancing elegantly and gracefully with their glorious dresses glistening in the light. The disco ball above spun and shimmered, as the two gentleman Spys in their disguises snickered to themselves, nodding to each other before each pulling out their own remote, and pressing big red buttons.

Time to take this fashion show to the next level of 'sparkly'.

You see, before this party, the spies had done a little work in the backrooms, as the letters had come in a day early and given them time to make preparations. And this prep work evidently paid off as the swirling disco ball suddenly cracked open, as a massive burst of glitter was sent out across the dance floor. Several balloons popped as well, sending slime flying everywhere. And the massive cake at the center of the snack table? Well nothing special was inside it, just an anti-cake bomb that blew it into hundreds of chunks upon detonation.

In exactly one second the Gala had gone from spectacular party to horrid mess. Conveniently the two spies were untouched, as they hid themselves behind plant pots, shaking hands before going their separate ways as they made like trees and left while everyone was distracted.

The distinct shrieks of misery from that one purple haired pony made them both snicker.

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

Temperature? I hardly know her! ... Omnissiah strike me down for my sin against all of comedy.