There are certain issues involved with having Philomena as a pet. Giving the entire palace staff permission to take a swat at the bird if it tries anything? Has solved none of them. The phoenix is still trolling everypony, happily setting off pony tempers (and the occasional fire alarm) without a care in the world. The swats just aren't working.

Maybe a few murders will do the trick.

...or, given that it's Philomena, Celestia might have to go just a little further.

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Rated C for Crackfic.