Glimpocalypse

by dawnbreez

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Sunburst, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Thriller, Trixie
Length: 2118

The year 2000 comes with Starlight Glimmer's face on it.

Starlight picked a really bad time to take up astronomy. She made a very interesting discovery! The problem is that this discovery, near as anybody can tell, is an asteroid on a collision-course with Equestria.

Obviously this bodes ill for almost everyone on the planet. (Except Trixie. She's been to the afterlife before, so she's not particularly concerned.)

The thing is, there's one detail of Glimmer's discovery that she's still hoping and praying isn't true.

Through the telescope, she was able to get a very close look at the asteroid.

It has her face on it.

A horrible crack-adjacent fic inspired heavily by YIIK. If you know, you know. If you don't...spoilers, I guess? Does anybody care?

Published 2023-02-10 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-02-10 21:30:01 UTC

I'm YIIKing Out Here

Glimmer was pacing back and forth in her office. Normally, she didn't pace. Pacing didn't help her think; it reminded her too much of marching, and that brought back bad memories.

Pacing was very good for making her feel anxious, but she was going to feel anxious today anyway so she might as well feel her anxiety at full volume.

Trixie, on the other hoof, had not moved since she had taken a seat in the chair normally reserved for students.

"I have something to tell you about the meteor," Glimmy said.

"Trixie is flattered that you want to spend your last days on Equestria with her."

"No, it's not--I mean, yes, I do want to spend my last days on Equestria with you, but there's something else."

"What else could possibly be as important--"

"It has my face on it."

Trixie blinked. "What does?"

"The meteor. I saw it. It has my face on it."

"...well, clearly the meteor should have Trixie's face on it instead," Trixie said.

Glimmy frowned, and began pacing faster. "I think there's some kind of significance to it. I think--I think it's meant for me."

"Trixie is sure no extradimensional being would be so petty as to destroy the planet Trixie lives on just to spite you."

"But--what else could it be?" Glimmy groaned. "A freak accident? A coincidence? By sheer coincidence, the thing that dooms Equestria and wipes out all of civilization has MY face on it?!"

"Glimmy, honey, you're hyperventilating again."

"I know! It's really hard to stop!" Glimmer was prancing in place, gasping for breath, glancing around the room wildly. "I don't want to end the world!"

Trixie hopped out of her chair and pulled Glimmy into a hug. "Don't worry. I know you'd never destroy Trixie's favorite world."

Glimmy tried to take a deep breath. "Thanks, Trix. I love it when you're trying to be romantic."

"Romantic?" Trixie said.

Glimmy paused for a moment. "...it's your favorite world because I'm in it, right?"

"...this is Trixie's favorite world because Trixie lives here."

"oh."

"Twilight," Glimmer said. "I need help."

"Oh, really?" Twilight said. "You need help? Just you?"

Twilight was smiling. It was kind of unnerving, actually. Ever since Glimmy and Twi had discovered the meteor, something in Twilight had changed--she had made some terrible realization, one that she hadn't shared with anyone. And now she was just smiling, all the time, even as her words grew louder.

"The world is ending, Starlight. Everything and everyone on this planet is going to die when that meteor hits us. Do you understand that?" Twilight shouted, still smiling, as if anything about this conversation was pleasant. "Have you processed the sheer, impossible-to-describe scale of what's about to happen? Because I have. I did the math, Starlight."

"But there has to be something we can do," Glimmer said.

"That's a reasonable and sane way to react, Starlight."

"...really? I thought you were going to tell me that it's futile."

"Starlight, most ponies figure out nihilism when they're fifteen or sixteen. I figured it out when I was seven. Our odds of success are so tiny that they can't be described without scientific notation, but that doesn't mean it's not worth trying--just to see if we're lucky."

"So you'll help?" Glimmy asked.

"Of course I will," Twilight said. She would have smiled, but she already was. "What are friends for?"

"Sunburst?" Glimmer whispered.

Sunburst yelped, knocking over a stack of books as he turned to the doorway. "Starlight! I was just--you know--"

"Trying to find any mention of a meteor with someone's face on it in the history books?" Glimmer stared at him, her expression totally flat.

"Y-yes. Most of the stories about celestial objects with facial features are about Nightmare Moon, though, so it's slow going."

Glimmer sighed softly. "Sunny, I need your help."

"Well, yes, that's why I'm doing all this research--"

"No, I mean I need your help. As in, I want you standing next to me when we try to stop the meteor."

"what?" Sunburst whimpered. "I'm...you want me to help you stop a celestial object? What about Celestia, or--or Luna--"

"They're retired," Glimmer said simply.

"But the world is ending!"

"Sunny, remember that book? The one by--what's his name--Tollrein?"

"The Silmareillion?"

"I was thinking of the one that ponies have actually read. But yeah, that guy. You know how the Elves 'retired'?"

"To the afterli--" Realization flashed in Sunburst's eyes. "Oh. Ohhhhhhh."

"We have Twilight. And maybe Flurry Heart. If she'd answer my calls. Bet she's too busy fucking Discord."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Come on, we've got a world to save."

The wait had been painful. Even on the night of impact, they were still watching a pinprick of light in the sky for hours. The scale of the universe is terrifying, not only because of how vast and empty it is, but also because a thing moving at a speed measured in the diameter of a planet's orbit could still be seen weeks or months before it arrives. Starlight was waiting in the hall for the astronomical equivalent of visiting the Principal's office.

Oh, and if she fucks this up, everyone dies.

"No pressure," Glimmy said, mostly for her own sake.

"Oh, don't worry. There won't be any pressure at all!" Twilight said, cheerfully. "The impact is going to blast most of the atmosphere away from the planet--"

"you're NOT. Helping," Glimmy snapped through clenched teeth.

"I think it's almost here," Sunburst said. "It's getting bigger--wow, it really does have your face on it."

"Trixie maintains that it should have had Trixie's face on it."

The meteor met the edge of Equestria's atmosphere, and the fires of re-entry nearly blinded all of them. It was as if night had turned to day, but the moon was still barely visible. Slowly, surely, the meteor descended through miles upon miles of progressively thicker air, until...

"...it's slowing down," Twilight said.

"Your magic is working?" Glimmer smiled a little. Maybe they'd actually save the day!

"No. I'm not doing anything to it."

"what?" Glimmer muttered.

Even though the meteor was slowing to a halt, it still landed in nearly an instant. Glimmer wondered what it would have looked like if the meteor hadn't slowed down, and quickly realized that it would have vaporized her before the sight could travel from her eyes to her mind.

That didn't make the sight before them any less strange. The meteor hovered a few feet above the ground, still glowing red-hot from reentry, save for the image of Starlight's grimacing face on the front of it. Four spindly, noodly limbs slithered out of it, bending and curling as the meteor stood up.

"Okay," Starlight said. "This is good. We can fight this. We can fight this!"

"Something's wrong," Trixie said.

Starlight turned to Trixie. The calm self-assurance was gone.

"Starlight," Trixie shouted. "I think something's wro--"

Starlight stared at the place where Trixie used to be. There wasn't a scorch mark, or a flash, or even a stain. There just...wasn't Trixie.

"Oh Sun, I don't--I don't wanna die!" Sunburst yelled. By the time Starlight turned to him, he was gone too.

"Bad luck," Twilight said. "Bye-bye, Starlight." And then Twilight vanished as well.

Starlight cried out, as a headache pierced her skull--like someone had a fishing hook through her mind, and was reeling it in. "It wasn't supposed to end like this!" Starlight screamed. "IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO--"

Starlight was drifting through an empty space. And she was alone.

"..."

Words failed her. How do you even have words for what just happened?

In the distance, she could see a rock. As she stared at it, she felt her body drifting closer to it. Steadily, she floated closer...

There were things on the rock. Strange, bipedal things. And one of them was telling his life's story.

He'd introduced himself as Alex. He had a rough shock of red hair around his face--the closest thing Starlight could think of was a lion's mane, but he had none of the majesty of one. The plaid shirt he wore would have made Rarity gag. Starlight had zoned out during a lengthy, overly-flowery description of some eldritch horror, but something Alex said grabbed her attention.

"...and you're me, but from a universe where--"

"What? No."

Alex stopped, confused. "What do you mean, 'no'?"

"I mean I'm not you. Or whatever this 'soul mate' thing is."

"No, see, we're all the heroes of our own stories--of our own worlds--"

"No I'm not. I'm not a hero at all. I'm powerful, sure, but--look, I ran a cult."

"Lots of main characters have tragic flaws," Alex said.

"That's not a tragic flaw, that's a dark backstory! And besides, you only get to be an anti-hero if you actually do something good with it, or if you move on from your past to become a better person! And you have to, you know, actually be heroic."

"But you fought the meteor," Alex protested. "Just like I did."

"If you call getting curbstomped a 'fight', sure. And that's the only thing I have in common with you. Like, I lost a friend--"

"Just like I did with Semi!" Alex said, brightening at the thought of making an actual connection to someone.

"No, not like with Semi. You literally just met her! I grew up with Sunburst! And he didn't get yanked into an alternate dimension, he went to college!"

"practically the same thing," Alex muttered.

"And! AND! I actually tried to be a better person!"

"I tried--"

"No, you told yourself you were a better person. I tried. I was bad at it, sure. I'm no good at listening to anybody's advice. Twilight still reminds me about the jar thing."

"oh god, the jar thing?" Alex muttered, horrified.

"...I get the feeling we're talking about different jar things." Glimmer groaned. "Look, I actually changed as a person. I recognized that trying to control other people was a bad idea, and that it wouldn't stop them from leaving, or replace the friend I lost. You, on the other hoof--"

"Other hand?"

"Whatever! The point is, it sounds like you never learned anything. You just told yourself that you were learning things and becoming a better person."

"Oh, are we talking about the meteor thing?" said another Alex. "Yeah, it turns out that was all bullshit. Essentia 2000 was screwing with us the entire time."

"WHAT?" said the Alex who had been talking to Glimmer.

"Yep. It was all a great big lie. The entire reason the meteor was there is because Essentia screwed over a bunch of other Alexes, and some of them got salty and decided to take it out on our universe. I think she had some great big plan to, like, merge with Proto-Alex and normal-Alex? I guess most Alexes don't react well when they find that out, since there's so many of us just floating around."

"But she's my SOULMATE!" shouted the distraught Alex.

"Yeah, sure, and so is Vella, and Semi, and that cute girl you met in college who didn't date you even though you took a gender studies class with her." The more confident Alex chuckled darkly. "God, we're so gullible."

"Join the club," said a guy in a red pleather jacket. He was wearing a lanyard that had the words 'CON PASS' and 'TRAVIS TOUCHDOWN' on it. "Hey, is this the meetup for the fourth-wall-breaking protagonist convention?"

"Nah, that's about two QPUs that way," said the confident Alex.

"Shit." Travis scowled.

Glimmer watched the entire exchange with mild amusement--and then recognized an opportunity. "Hey, can I hitch a ride with you?"

"...sure, why not," Travis said. "You like anime?"

"I think Fluttershy tried to show me some anime once. I didn't really like Neighvangelion."

"Me neither. I'm more into mahou shoujo myself."

The two Alexes watched silently, as Travis picked Glimmer up. "Hold on tight," Travis said. "We gotta build up some speed. Ever done a backwards longjump?"

"A what?"

"Hup--"

The sound was like a record skipping faster and faster. Neither Alex could find words to describe what it looked like, because neither Alex was actually any good at wordplay.

They quickly fell to bickering over which of their supposed 'soul mates' was best girl.

Trixie reappeared in Ponyville Square. There was a smoking crater where the Friendship Castle used to be, but other than that, there was no sign of the meteor.

"...does this mean Trixie is the new princess?"

Author's Note

What the hell is going on!? Why, it's crackfic week, of course! EVERY week is crackfic week!