The Voice in Her Head

by Dreagar

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 3416

"I think, therefore I am." -What happens when one's existence is only thought?

"I think, therefore I am."
-Renés Descartes, Griffin Philosopher and Mathematician

A book on philosophy forces Twilight Sparkle to reconsider life and the world around her, especially after making a new friend.

Published 2012-09-28 18:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-05 17:48:59 UTC

Prologue: ...dusty old books.

It was a Sunday afternoon, also known as the 'Bi-Weekly Reshelving' day. One day was always a Saturday, the other day was whenever Twilight felt like it. She giggled softly to herself as Spike looked in abject horror as Twilight announced that today part two would commence.

"B-but Twilight!" He complained. Had she maybe let him stay up too late and therefore made him cranky? Or was he simply unwilling? It was hard to tell with the baby dragon.

"No 'buts' Spike, you know we have to keep the Library organised!"

"We just re-shelved yesterday!" He moaned. Wow, has it really been only a day? It felt like an eternity for her. She knew this to be a sign of stress, Spike did too, deftly comprehending the subtle deflation of Twilight's façade.

"Stressed?" Twilight merely nodded, Spike shook his head. "You've got to spend some time to relax Twilight. You're going to burn yourself out at this rate."

"But you know I need to compile a new report, and the sooner I find a new subject, the better." She gently shook her head. "And there's nothing here I haven't read."

"Now Twilight, you know that isn't true. You, for one, haven't do much as peeked at those philosophy books!"

"Spike! They're almost fiction with their lack of evidence. No self respective academic would accredit any philosophical work."

"That's not true, and you'd know it. Just give it a try Twilight, I'll be in my cot." With that he turned and left, grabbing a random book from the philosophy pile and placing it on the lobby's table.

'Philosophy, A Reference Guide' stared at her from across the room with it's bold title, and light grey cover. She really was out of options at this point, and if nothing else philosophy could give her time for more scientific reports when a subject appeared. Sighing in defeat, she trudged over to the unassuming tome and opened it to the first page.

Chapter 1: Preface to Philosophical Perceptions
Philosophy, otherwise known as 'love of wisdom', is the study of the fundamental nature of knowledge, reality and existence. With a famous quote for the latter being "I think, therefore I am", originally concieved by the griffin mathematician...

It was going to be a long night.

Darkness.

Lights.

Shadows swam through the pervading nothingness that encompassed them. A feeling of pressure, not unlike being breathless, or underwater, pervaded the atmosphere. Forcing Twilight to struggle involuntarily for air as her very being felt crushed under the duress.

She screamed silently.

Twilight woke with a start, gasping for the breath that she was convinced she lacked. Beads of sweat matted her coat slightly, confirming her suspicion. What a nightmare, she thought. Normally her dreams were inconsequential, or sometimes non-existent, so why did this one stick out? She shook her head, and directed her lethargic body to the sweet smells of pancake wafting from the kitchen.

She silently thanked Spike and almost crawled into the window seat of the table.

"Nightmare?" He asked; obviously nothing went past her no.1 assistant.

"Yeah." She replied, too tired to add anything more. Soon the pancakes were sitting before her in all their syrupy glory, prompting her previously adrenalin suppressed appetite to abide.

More pancakes than she'd like to admit later, Twilight began to feel mildly better. Spike expecting the rise in morale, prompted her further.

"So, how's the philosophy? Any good?" 'Any good', how was he so apt? The book had been eye opening to say the least for Twilight, introducing the purple mare to a whole new string of thought she never even considered before. Last night she was felling books in minutes, exploring every nook and cranny of this new world of knowledge.

She giggled, forgetting her nightmare. "Yeah, I guess you can say that." Spike adopted a smug grin and returned to savouring his weekly gem.

She was once again anxious to get her hooves on more material, reasoning to herself that her inevitable binge was for the good of science, and most certainly not because she was felt like a giddy filly all over again.

"Spike, can you get me my 'Casual Saddlebag Layout' checklist? I'm going to see if there's any more books at the local store, maybe even get in a debate!" She squealed excitedly. Spike rolled his eyes and fetched the list from the myriad of it's brethren.

"Let's see,
"Checklist: Check.
"Saddlebags Check.
"Planner: Check.
"Spare bits x50: Check.
and... done!"

"Okay then I'll be off, bye Spike!" Just as she was about to leave the Library she added. "Oh, don't forget to clean the Library!" And audible groan followed her as she closed the door with her magic and entered the bright new day.

Celestia's sun shone bright overhead, sharply contrasting the still lingering mental image of her nightmare, the birds were growing and the trees are singing. Everything felt right in the world, just perfect for a stroll into town.

I wonder, if everything we argue is from our perspectives, then does that make deductive arguments only inductive for everything else? What would be an absolute reference frame? Is there even such things as absolutes? It would disprove Anselms's first argument and Renés' on a demiurge, if existence isn't necessarily better than non-existence. What is existence? Where does it begin, and nothingness end?

Her thoughts would have continued if not for what sounded like a voice in the distance.

Hello? Help me, please; I can't see anything!

Startled, Twilight responded. "Hold on, I'll see if I can find you." Throwing caution to the wind as she began searching the sparse urban clearing she found herself in. A few plants, cobblestone roads and some houses. Nothing sinister, just an average Ponyville road.

Please! I'm scared...

Something was off, the voice sounded just as clear as before. Which come to think of it was odd in itself, surely if this pony were hidden somewhere, their voice would be muffled?

If only they'd tell me where they are...

I don't know, it's just darkness.

Somewhere in that sentence it hit her when she noticed a pony was staring at her quizzically. "Excuse me miss, why were you talking to yourself?"

"There was somepony calling for help, I was just telling them to hold on a second."

Yeah, can't she hear me?

"I'm sorry, but from here, all I hear is us. I work at the psychiatric clinic, and I know as a doctor it's not uncommon for ponies to hear voices under stress."

It hadn't been the first time she'd been effectively called crazy. Especially after the 'Smartypants incident'. Noticing her pause the mare continued.

"I'd recommend you rest up a little, call it a day. If you need anything, don't be afraid to ask; we're always willing to help ponies in need."

Twilight mumbled her thanks, retracing her hoofsteps with absent vigour. Was she really going crazy? Or was it the 3 hours of sleep getting to her?

Hey! Wait, are you just going to forget about me? I'm still stuck.

Twilight went out on a limb and decided to think back. She might as well humour it.

You're not stuck, because you're not real. You're obviously a figment of my crumbling sanity. She ended that last note on a slightly hysterical tone.

What? No! You've got to help me, you can't just leave me like that! That mare was obviously trying to trick you.

Logic dictates that If you were still were I first heard you, I'd be so far away now that hearing you should be impossible. Obviously you're a voice. In my head.

A silence filled her mind, soon replaced by something almost like sadness?

She didn't let her thoughts linger as she found the Library to be looming above her, almost disappointed at letting her sanity break again. At least it wasn't as bad as last time.

Opening the door revealed an alabaster unicorn running her hoof over the bookshelves. Turning around her eyes widened in delight as she spotted Twilight.

"Twilight darling, you are just the mare I need. Could you perhaps locate the new book on sewing techniques I heard you got in?" Twilight dejectedly pointed her hoof to a previously overlooked tome. However Rarity didn't pick it up, and instead adopted a concerned frown.

"Twilight, are you ok? Sorry, silly question, what's wrong?" Was Rarity making mistakes to cheer her up, or was she simply unsure? Twilight never had been good at reading ponies.

"I've been so stressed lately, that I seem to be hearing voices now."

Instead of the expected sympathetic look on Rarity, Twilight only saw more concern.

"Twilight. I hate to break this to you darling. But have you maybe considered you have, just a mild case, schizophrenia?"

Schizophrenia. Symptoms include, but are not limited to, auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking, and it is accompanied by significant social or occupational dysfunction. The onset of symptoms typically occurs in young adulthood. Her eyes widened slightly at the revelation. Rarity gravely nodded.

Twilight panicked. As anypony who knew her well should know, when she panics, she throws her normally beloved logic out the window. Also a symptom of schizophrenia, she bitterly noted.

Hiding sounded good in her mind.
Hiding in her room under the sheets of her bed sounded even better.
Locking the recently constructed door behind her iced the cake.

"Twilight! You can't just run away from your problems! You need to see a psychiatrist!" Rarity's muted voice protested from downstairs.

"Watch me!"

Twilight pretended not hear the ensuing complaints and promptly entered the familiarity of her bedspread.

Twilight?

She ignored that too.

Twilight.

Nope still not listening.

Twilight, you need to calm down.

Says the voice inside my head. She replied sardonically.

Funny. But that isn't the issue.

No? Then what is, oh wise advocate of insanity?

You're overreacting. Just because that mare- Her name's Rarity. -Just because Rarity says you might have schizophrenia doesn't mean you do. All I can tell you is that from my perspective, you're jumping to conclusions, and that means a lot because apparently I can hear your thoughts.

How do you know you aren't my thoughts?

I-I don't want to consider that. Just please, get some rest and talk this out.

I guess. But can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

What's it like? I mean, whatever situation you're in.

It's... odd. I can't see anything, I can hear your voice from everywhere at once, which is actually quite loud. I can't seem to taste anything, smell anything or feel anything. Heck, I'm not even hungry.

I'm sorry.

What?

If you really are somepony or something real, I'm sorry for doubting you.

I forgive you, I guess. But, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

What's it like, being in control? I have vague ideas of it, but for some reason I don't remember my life before... this.

It's... How did you even describe something so mundane? Regardless, she felt she owed it at least that much. Normal, I guess. I can see my room, which is begining to turn dark blue as the moon rises. I can feel the bedsheets hugging me. I can hear you... do you, I mean, have a name?

The voice seemed to pause for thought. If I did, I can't remember.

I think you should have one.

Thanks. But why?

Even if you're a voice in my head, at least you're a nice one. You deserve an identity.

Renic. From schizophrenic, so that when this blows over, we can laugh about it together.

That sounds nice. Good night, Renic.

Good Night Twilight.

As night began, Twilight felt her eyes drooping. She yawned, tightened the covers around her and felt sleep tug at her conciousness.

I'm bored.

She snorted, and fell into night's embrace.

Night 1: When you gaze into the abyss...

The abyss stared back. The previously black surroundings began to form wisps of transluscent shadow, accentuating the shadow around them. Them. He could feel the other presence with him, the owner of the stare.

Twilight?

The void began to gain an oppressive feel, hallmarked by a scream of terror splitting the void. The very world itself.

Twilight! Renic tried to mentally shake the presence, which seemed to calm it down.

Renic? I can't breathe!

You're obviously dreaming, don't you remember going to sleep?

Now that you mentioned it...

The void's ethereal strands disappeared revealing a purple unicorn seemingly standing on nothing. Renic thought to look down, and found silver fur that apparently belonged to him.

Twilight began to hum to herself.

This must be a lucid dream... brought on by you interrupting my nightmare.

She then turned to look at Renic. Huh, you look just like I thought you would.

Trying to ignore the frightening implications of that, Renic replied.

Must be coincidence. This prompted a raised eyebrow from the mare. Hey, since this is a lucid dream, and you're the one dreaming, maybe you can try messing about? That seemed to have successfully steered the conversation.

The blackness seemed to dissolve into a variety of pastel colors that immediately matched Twilight's brief description of her room. Renic revelled in the presence of senses. He could feel the smooth wooden floor of the tree beneath his hooves, smell the cool night air and actually see the midnight bedroom.

The bed itself was occupied by an excited Twilight standing atop the matress like a filly. Renic found his mouth and spoke. "Awesome." They said in unison, both enjoying different aspects of the dreamworld.

"Renic?" She asked.

He hummed response, simply enjoying the feel of a body.

"I just thought, are you able to... control the dream too?"

It was an interesting question, one that bore merit to explore. Instead of speaking, Renic closed his eyelids and began to concentrate.

Nothing.

Twilight caught on to it and gave a sad smile. "Well if you want anything, ask me, otherwise I'm going to live out my dreams." She spoke, giggling a bit at the last point. As she left, Renic saw the world discolour behind her. Not wishing to share the room's fate, he made to follow Twilight.

Walking was weird for Renic, after spending an unknown time without any legs to speak of, he found himself using four like a natural.

"So, what're you going to do?" He asked, hoping to take his mind of the encroaching wall of nothingness.

She paused a moment. "I'm not sure actually. I have the chance to have anything, but I can't choose."

"Well, it's going to be a boring dream if nothing happens."

She nodded at that. However her contemplative frown grew into a slightly mischievous smile. "How about we just have a conversation?"

If Renic knew any curses, he would have used them. "That sound great! What do you want to talk about?" He said with an over enthusiastic tone, and eager smile.

Twilight shook her head. "I know you don't want to deal with this Renic, but if there's one thing I learnt from my friends, it's that there's no time like the present. Especially when dealing with problems."

"You don't know what it's like!" He snapped. "What happens if I'm really not a pony? I don't want to consider that the past day of my life as the only day of it..."

He added with a mournful tone, "I don't want to consider that I might not even be real."

Twilight had enough. "What is real? I think you're real; just by having an existential crisis, you've proved you're a thinking being. 'You're thinking, therefore you are.'"

"But say," he sniffled, "that I'm a voice in your head. Your mind cou-could just be tricking you. Doing everything you expect a real pony to do..."

Twilight couldn't take it anymore, she walked up to the sobbing pony and hugged him. "I don't believe that. You implied it yourself, 'you shouldn't jump to conclusions'; let's see this out... who knows, maybe I can make you a body!"

He looked up into her violet eyes. "You'd do that?"

She didn't hesitate to reply.

"Yes, yes I will."

They remained hugging as the the world faded from around them. Casting their world into the morning light.

Day 1: The Life...

Nothing.

Simple, pure, unbroken darkness surrounded Twilight. No, darkness wasn't accurate. The better synonym was nothingness. A pain began to build up in her... somewhere. Regardless, the pain was quickly becoming agonising, sending shrill alerts of panic across her consciousness.

Twilight! I-I think I'm in your body! The booming voice of Renic called from the void.

The situation dawned on the previously purple prodigy. Renic, breath! You need to breath!

She felt herself falling, growing more and more lethargic with each split second. However, in moments like this it is claimed that a pony will see their life flash before their eyes. While Twilight found she didn't have eyes at this moment, she did recall a certain fail safe of the pony physiology.

I don't know how!

Life fading away, Twilight only felt the smallest hint of fear.

Don't worry, just follow the example.

What ex-

The metaphorical bungee cord snapped taught, flinging Twilight's conciousness out of lethargy.

That. Just keep doing that Renic.

All became still again in the void, as if nothing had ever happened. Had it even happened? How long ago? The void seemed perfect in it's timelessness. There was no evidence of their shared experience of near death, and nothing to signal any time had passed.

There was only one way to find out.

Renic? She inquired to the understandably stressed being.

Yeah, Twilight?

How long ago did that happen?

Renic seemed at loss for a period of time. About a minute ago, I'd guess. He committed.

A minute? It had already felt like an eternity.

Yeah. Time seems to pass funny in your head.

Twilight's impeding sarcastic comment was interrupted by another familiar voice.

"Twilight, Are you OK?" Spike said from afar, his voice closer to the familiar distorted quality of sound having travel to her ears.

"Uh... hi," Spike. "Spike!" Renic spoke, the sound matching the quality of Spike's, if not slightly louder.

"Are you feeling right Twi'?"

"Never better!" Twilight snorted. Technically that wasn't a lie.

"If you say..."

"I do say, I say!" Renic was obviously perking up.

Renic please be careful with my-

The sound of shifting covers, an 'umph' and a feeling of pain where her muzzle should be proved her pleading too late.

Body. She trailed off.

Uh, oops?

Twilight would've facehoofed if she could.

"Are you sure you're sure, Twilight?"

"Yep!" Renic chirped, a fact made creepy by the sound being in Twilight's voice. Twilight could hear a disgruntled huff sound, and the march of receding clawsteps.

"Wait."

Renic what are you doing?

Explaining stuff.

Shouldn't that be left to me?

Can you sleep on command?

No.

Then I'll explain for you. What can go wrong?

Everything.

Renic ignored that. "Uh, remember the mental breakdown I had yesterday?" Harsh.

Well it was.

Spike's answer reeked of scepticism. "Are you a changeling?"

"What? No."

"Well you're obviously not Twilight. She'd never admit to a breakdown like that."

It wasn't really a breakdo-

"You're right! I'm the voice in her head, Renic at your disposal."

Twilight groaned.

"So, you're claiming to be Twilight's crazy."

"Yep!"

He shrugged. "Figures, just want to make sure though, is Twilight in there somewhere?"

He really is my number one assistant.

"Yeah, she just commented on how you're her 'number one assistant'. Do you work for her or something?"

Twilight would have blushed if she could. Renic, those are private thoughts, thoughts that I don't want you telling everypony out loud.

Oh, woops.

"Yeah, that sounds like her." He beamed. "I'm going off to Rarity's, so head over there if you need anything." He made for the stairs. "Oh yeah, and be careful with Twi's body, okay?"

"Uh, ok." The sound of receding clawsteps once again decorated the void.

So, that went better than I expected.

This isn't the craziest thing Spike's had to put up with, he's far more mature than most dragons his age.

So, what do we do now?

First, I think some research is in order if we're going to accomplish anything.

That morning was the most boring in Renic's life. Which is to say, more boring than yesterday.