“So uh, when’s this guy showing up?” Rainbow Dash asked.
The pony reclined in her seat, slowly rotating a cup while staring off into space. Around her, the forty or so other residents of Ponyville crammed into a dark Sugar Cube Corner were in much the same state as the resident speedster. Annoyed, or just bored, they stood amid what would be a great party, only the lights were still low and no one was allowed to move.
“He should be here already,” Pinkie Pie whispered. “I don't know what is keeping mister Candle Jack.”
Twilight cleared her throat. “Does mister Ca-”
“Woah hey,” Pinkie Pie shouted, interrupting Twilight and stuffing a cupcake into the other pony’s mouth. “Only I’m allowed to say his name.”
“Why can't anybody else say Mister, uh, he who shall not be named’s, name?” Applejack whispered.
“Voldy hates it when you say his name,” Pinkie Pie shook her head. “But that's not the point. The point is that Jack likes to abscond with people who say his name.”
“Like, he foalnaps people?” Spike asked, sipping some punch.
“You're supposed to wait for the party to start,” Pinkie Pie hissed.
“I don't think that matters at the moment darling. Everyone is eating your snacks already,” Rarity pointed out.
Pinkie Pie glared at the group of ponies huddling around her now dedicated concession bar. Under the party pony’s withering gaze, the ponies slowly dispersed, with Scootaloo spitting out her cupcake and putting it back.
“I think we should go back to the part where you talked about how your friend is a foalnapper,” Twilight offered.
“He's not a…” Pinkie Pie groaned. “All you gotta do is just not say his name and he won't steal you away.”
“Except you,” Rainbow Dash pointed out.
“That doesn't seem to make sense,” Fluttershy added.
Pinkie Pie groaned. “Just trust me okay? I can say Candle Jack all day but you guys can't. It won't turn out well.”
“But why, darling?” Rarity pressed.
“Oh fine. I’ll tell you the story,” Pinkie Pie grumped. “It all started when I was just a wee foal. Barely knee high to a grasshopper.”
“So you were like, what, a fetus when this began?” Twilight asked.
“I mean yes, technically, but no. It's an expression,” Pinkie Pie complained.
Twilight frowned. “That still doesn't explain where this story starts.”
“I was twelve!” Pinkie Pie shouted.
Fluttershy eeped, and ducked beneath the table.
“Now look what you did, you scared Fluttershy,” Rainbow Dash pointed out.
Pinkie Pie sighed, and leaned down. “I’m sorry Fluttershy. I’m just trying to explain things but people keep interrupting me.”
“It's okay,” Fluttershy whispered.
“Right, so I was twelve when my sisters and I were sent to the Rockaway camp,” Pinkie Pie began again. “One night we were talking about ghost stories when someone told us the tale of the real and true boogeyman. Candle Jack.”
As if on cue, what few candles were lit in the corners of the room flickered, and distant lightning boomed.
“Spooky,” Spike remarked before taking another long sip.
“He comes and steals you away if you say his name, and we all said it-” Pinkie Pie continued.
“Then how are you still here if you said his name?” Rainbow Dash pointed out.
“I was getting there,” Pinkie Pie hissed, pausing to clear her throat. “So, anyway. We said his name and got carried off by his magic rope, but you how noodly I am. No rope can hold me.”
Pinkie Pie wiggled her strangely taffy-like forelegs in emphasis.
“So I escaped and was going to get help when I thought of a great idea. I’d trade him a pie for all my friends, and my sisters too!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.
“That doesn't seem like a good trade at all,” Applejack muttered. “Even if you were just workin them on a farm you’d still make about sixteen bits a day off each of em, and a pie is like-”
Applejack paused and glanced around at all the worried faces staring at her.
“I uh, may have spent too much time working on the books for the farm,” Applejack muttered guiltily.
“Applejack’s weirdly conservative stance on child slavery aside, continue,” Rarity offered.
Pinkie Pie nodded. “So I made this great pie and went out to meet him. Originally mister Candle Jack was kind of angry that I escaped but then he smelled my pie, and couldn't help but trade them all back!”
“That musta been one awesome pie,” Spike remarked.
“Oh, it was great. It was the first ever everything pie I made!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.
“Is that why you had the snack bar stacked with nothing but pie?” Twilight asked.
“It's ‘why do you’ not ‘why you had’,” Pinkie Pie corrected. “Proper grammar is important.”
“As usual, I am correct,” Twilight retorted, pointing back to the snack table.
Pinkie Pie spun around just in time to find that her party guests had descended upon the food like a torrent of locusts. Bits of pie covered their faces, and empty tins littered the tabletops. The baked goods were gone, leaving behind only crumbs, the odd splotch of filling, and a single chewed-on plate.
“Oh come on Scootaloo, don't eat the dishes,” Pinkie Pie whined.
Scootaloo spat out the bowl she had been biting and sulked her way back to her table.
“So you are allowed to say his name then because…” Rarity exclaimed, rolling a hoof in the air expectantly.
“Because I can't be tied up of course!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed. “I kept summoning him whenever I got lonely and wanted to play tag with mister Candle Jack but he got tired of our game.”
“So now nobody but you can say his name except for you because you annoyed him so much he won't show up anymore?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Pinkie Pie frowned. “You put it really meanly, but yes, sort of.”
“Okay, let's get this thing done then,” Rainbow Dash declared, standing up from her chair and clearing her throat. “Hey, Candle Jack Pinkie Pie threw you a party!”
Pinkie Pie leaped mid-declaration, but Rainbow Dash sidestepped the tackle, leading to the party pony landing in the punch bowl.
Sputtering and frantic, Pinkie Pie leaped out of the bowl, landing on the ground with a wet thud.
“Wait, stop, don't!” she shouted.
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Why wouldn't I say, Candle Jack? Nothing’s happened.”
“But he’ll hear you and then you’ll get taken away by his magic rope!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
“I’m not seeing any magic rope, nor a mister Candle Jack,” remarked Rarity.
“Please don't say his name! I don't know if I’ll be able to trade you for a pie again!” Pinkie Pie pleaded.
“Now Pinkie Pie. You should know that there is no such thing as super hearing. If this Candle Jack fellow isn't in the room then he won't be aware of us saying his name,” Twilight explained.
“But he can, cus he's a ghost, or something,” Pinkie Pie retorted.
“Wait, you don't know if he's a ghost or not?” Spike inquired.
“Well I mean it's never been super clear. Even the freakazoid wiki just calls him a supernatural villain which isn't exactly helpful,” Pinkie Pie muttered.
“So this Candle Jack person is dead? Now that is kind of spooky,” Spike murmured under his breath.
“No! Not you too,” Pinkie Pie whined.
Spike shrugged. “It doesn't seem like anything bad is gonna happen.”
“That's because he's a cartoon character with a flair for the dramatic. He won't pop out until the right moment,” Pinkie Pie explained.
“So this Candle Jack fella is a cartoon ghost? Dammit, Pinkie. What did we tell you about celebrating the birthday of fictional characters?” Applejack demanded.
Pinkie Pie frowned. “He's not fictional.”
“Yes, he is. And we're all going to prove it,” Rainbow Dash stated, flying up above the tables. “Alright everyone, say Candle Jack!”
“No, don't!” Pinkie Pie interrupted.
“Why shouldn't we say Candle Jack?” someone asked.
“Because the boogeyman I’m throwing this party for will come and wrap you up in his magical rope!” Pinkie Pie explained.
“Uh huh,” someone else muttered.
“Come on, everyone, Candle Jack, Candle Jack,” Rainbow Dash chanted, repeating the name several times.
“Don't do it! I don't know where he takes you away too but it couldn't be shown on a PG show so it can't be good!” Pinkie Pie shouted.
Despite her protests, everyone ignored Pinkie Pie and said Candle Jack with varying levels of enthusiasm. Within only a few seconds everyone from that one jam-stained stallion to Scootaloo was chanting along with Rainbow Dash. All save for Fluttershy, who was nervously looking around, a bead of sweat running down the side of her face.
“Come on Fluttershy, say his name!” Rainbow Dash demanded.
“I uh-”
“No, don't!” Pinkie Pie interrupted.
“If you don't, I’ll tell everyone at what age you stopped peeing the bed,” Rainbow Dash retorted.
“You wouldn't,” Fluttershy whispered.
“It wasn't that long ago,” Rainbow Dash challenged.
Fluttershy gulped and looked from Pinkie Pie to Rainbow Dash and back again.
“I’ll give you a hint it was last-”
“Candle Jack!” Fluttershy shouted, her forehooves springing to her mouth.
For a moment the room was silent, and then Rainbow Dash jumped on the table.
“Aha, I knew it was another Harry Potter situation!” Rainbow Dash bellowed. “Only this guy has an even dumber name, I mean who would name their kid Candle.”
“My name is Candle,” offered a small foal from amongst the partygoers.
“That's because your parents are nuts, Candle Holder,” Rainbow Dash retorted.
“And who said mine weren't as well?” whispered a masculine voice.
“I mean that's possible, but…” The color drained from Rainbow Dash’s face and she turned around to find a strange bipedal creature floating before her.
His lithe form was mostly hidden beneath a burlap sack that was pulled over his head and hung down his shoulders. Ending in a lumpy point at the back of his skull, the white bag had a stitched smile and pure white eyes the color of moonlight. The rest of his body was a featureless black, save for the alabaster gloves, and boots that he wore.
“Boo,” declared the man, hands raised and fingers waggling.
“Ahhh it's Candle Jack!” Rainbow Dash shouted.
The pegasus tried flying away but got about ten feet before a levitating rope bound her midsection. She fell to the ground with a thump a moment later, her momentum gone, and her limbs bound securely.
“I am sorry it took so long. You would not believe how difficult it is to charter a bus at this hour,” Candle Jack exclaimed.
With a flourish, the man raised his arms above his head, and an enormous length of thick brown rope leaped from nowhere. In an instant it had managed to tie nearly everyone up, binding them all securely, and resisting even Twilight's furious attempts to escape.
“Hey, why aren't you trying to get out?” Spike asked, eyes narrowing on Applejack. “Also, why is your face all red?”
“Oh uh. Grrr. I hate getting tied up against my will,” Applejack half-heartedly exclaimed.
“Look we all say Applejack’s bondage fetish coming, but now’s not the time,” Rarity added.
“Hey, put down all my friends!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.
Candle Jack sighed. “Or you will do what? Say my name so constantly that I can't sleep for a week?”
“Wait, sleep? So you’re not a ghost?” Twilight asked.
“I’m whatever would annoy you more,” Candle Jack retorted.
“Hey, that joke was our thing!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.
“The only thing we had was you annoying me, but now that I’ve captured all your friends maybe you will think twice about saying my name,” Candle Jack declared.
“Nuh-uh, you can't go yet. You haven't heard my trade offer,” Pinkie Pie shot back.
Candle Jack snickered a soft, the laugh coming out as a faint whispered wheezing. “You may try, but I have trained for this day, young miss Pie. No longer does pie tempt me so, for I have eaten nothing but pie for the last ten years since our meeting.”
“Wait, you ate pie every day for ten years just so you wouldn't get tempted by another pie offer?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Dude, that's intense.”
“I liked what I liked,” Candle Jack scoffed.
“You do you dude,” Rainbow Dash added.
“Aha, but you haven't had any meat pie since they canceled freakazoid and you had to come live in our universe!” Pinkie Pie dared.
“So?” Candle Jack asked.
“So…. behold!” Pinkie Pie pulled back a bust of Celestia to reveal a large red button, which she pressed in dramatic fashion. “The twelve thousand dollar meat pie!”
Everyone watched as several floorboards pulled back, and fog billowed out, obscuring a vaguely pie-shaped object. Only not one that any pony had ever seen before, for the top was a perfect crust of golden brown spotted with shreds of black and gold. At the very top sat a tiny flag with the letters C and J displayed upon it.
“Made from a mixture of A five wagyu beef, two western rock lobsters, and winter black truffles, this pie has everything,” Pinkie Pie explained, raising a hoof. “But, that's not all. It is also garnished with twenty-three-carat german gold leaf, and soaked in two bottles of Penfolds grange reserve.”
Pinkie Pie grinned and waved a hoof over the pie. “It is the most expensive thing I’ve ever made, and not only because I had to bribe human me to go to Japan.”
“That is messed up Pinkie,” Spike remarked.
“Hey, I sourced all the meat from the human world. There the food isn't sapient and stuff so its okay. Well not okay, but more okay. Okay?” Pinkie Pie asked.
Twilight opened her mouth to offer her own, no doubt witty but still slightly patronizing opinion when the line holding her aloft went slack. In fact, everyone bound by Candle Jack’s rope suddenly found themselves lying on their back, legs sticking up in the air. A cheer went up as the ponies realized they were free, one joined by everyone, save for Applejack.
“Daw, his knotwork was immaculate,” murmured the farm pony.
Pinkie Pie turned to find that Candle Jack was floating above the pie, a finger caressing the golden top.
“So, we good C.J?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Oh yes. Whatever. You can have your friends,” Candle Jack replied, waving a hand while never looking away from the food before him. “In fact, Pinkie Pie. You make me another one of these pies every year and I’ll never steal another pony again.”
“Yippee!” Pinkie Pie gleefully exclaimed. “Let the party, begin!”
The lights flicked on, streamers fell from the ceiling, and in the distance, music came from a record player. Ponies grabbed what little remained of the uneaten snacks, and drank what little punch hadn't touched Pinkie Pie’s butt. All save for the party pony herself, who walked up to Candle Jack while he was lovingly stroking the pie.
“So uh, just between you and me C.J, what do you do with people who say your name anyway?” Pinkie Pie whispered.
“I have a farm down south,” Candle Jack replied without looking. “You wouldn't believe how many apples a particularly well-motivated twelve-year-old can pick in a day.”
Author's Note
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