Never Split the Party

by TheOnlySaneDraconequus

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Profanity, Big Macintosh, Discord, Death, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Romance
Length: 7213

A member of a certain adventuring party realizes that he's a little closer to his companions than he'd care to admit....

Discord has had a long and interesting life, especially since the Draconequus realizes he's hopelessly in love with his Ogres and Oubliettes party members, try as he might to deny it.

Short, rough entry for the M/M Shipping Contest 2022! Discord/Adult Spike/Big Mac poly fluff. Rated Teen with appropriate tag for some suggestive humor, but nothing happens "on screen." AU, for obvious reasons.

(Credit for cover image - Spike's "Cutie Mark" by MidnightShimmer_the_Unicorn on MLPForums, Discord's "Cutie Mark" by RAGErER on DA, Big Mac's was found on Derpibooru, artist not credited. I just threw them together for a "Cover Image.")

Published 2022-11-07 00:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-11-07 00:40:00 UTC

Polyhedracule

Never Split the Party…

*Tcka-tak-tak

It was another boring day in the office. Not much to do but pray for that 5 o’clock bell and try not to break your nose on your keyboard falling asleep from boredom. It was a grey day, in a grey life, no matter the weather. Especially since there weren’t any windows in sight to see the clouds out of.

Finally, done. Another project complete, another million in the Boss’s pocket and peanuts to take home and cry into your bills with.

John sighed, trying to shake out of the depressive funk he was in. But no matter what, that cloud would always be just around the corner. He waited patiently for all 5,000 pages to print, dutifully hole punched them, and put them in the binder in painstakingly exact order.

He brought it to his supervisor’s office and knocked on the door. William looked up. “Come in, shut the door behind you…” the older man barked. “You have the files on the Gaspachi case?”

John reverently proffered the last 5 hours of his life. William flipped through the binder with a trained eye. “Hmm… Good work. You know, you might just get a raise in a year or two, but you need to be more of a team player.”

“How, sir?”

“‘Sir,’ I like that, very respectful. Come here and let me show you what I mean.”

John did and found himself suddenly pinned against the wall.

“I can’t tell you what it’s like to have fresh blood in here, especially when it’s as cute as you…”

“Uh, Sir, this is 5 different types of harassment!” John squeaked.

“Really? I’ve seen you staring. Don’t try and deny it. And I’m looking for a long-term actual relationship, not a fling with the new guy. I’m asking you to date me, and not for a raise…” William said, grabbing John’s tie.

“I, uh, I-” John’s brain had switched off. Yes, William was attractive, but did he want-? William leaned forward, John did as well…

And … then … they … kissed…

*BAM! “DISCORD!” a voice called.

Discord yelped and nearly skewered the screen with his horns. The Draconequus turned and saw Spike staring at him.

Spike had a patch of scales raised the way a pony would raise an eyebrow. “Are you writing fanfics again?” the dragon asked.

“Uh, no…” Discord said, moving to block Spike’s view of the screen.

Spike chuckled at Discord’s antics. “I know you don’t need to sleep, but there are healthier ways to spend your time.” Discord could only nod at that. Spike held out a very large sheet of paper covered in boxes and circles. “So what do you think of the next page?”

Discord saved his work and took Spike’s, examining it with a practiced eye from decades of doing so. “Oooh! I love the way you did Radiance’s shield over the city. Is Hum Drum getting buffer?” Discord asked with a teasing grin.

Spike blushed and snatched his sketches back. “Well, maybe a little. I mean, he’s not a colt anymore, and I wanted to emphasize that!”

“I know. You’ve always had a soft spot for him, haven’t you?” Spike nodded. In a flash Discord was behind him, the noddle-shaped chaos spirit winding around him before nibbling on his earfin. “I’m happy you are able to do what you love for a living, mon beau dragon,” Discord whispered. “So few creatures do. I love watching you put the worlds in your head into everycreature else’s. We still can’t stop looking. … Happy Anniversary.”

Spike laughed. “I’m amazed you remembered.”

Discord pouted. “I’m not that bad a husband!” he protested. “Holding it on the same day every single year seems a tad predictable to me, but … he liked predictable.”

Spike nodded, noting the drop in his husband’s mood. “Yeah. He did. Sun up til sundown kind of stallion, right?”

“Eeyup,” Discord replied, forcing a smile. “‘A place for everything, and everything in its place.’ … I’m honestly still afraid to enter the shed.” Discord tried to change topics to put himself in a better mood. “Who’s cooking the anniversary breakfast?”

“You can summon it up just by thinking about it,” Spike pointed out.

“But I’m doing dinner this year!” Discord protested.

Spike rolled his eyes, but he knew Discord would be going over the top for the dinner, so having to actually cook was a fair trade. He nodded and went into the kitchen.

Spike was in the mood for omelets and bacon. He’d gotten attached to a few of Applejack’s pigs, but he was a dragon, not a pony, and they were just so tasty…

While knives couldn’t begin to make a dent in his scales, he didn’t like getting spat on by angry grease from vengeful pig ghosts (Applejack had told him that when he was young… For being the Element of Honesty, that mare told great tall tales…) so he went to get an apron.

Spike smirked and chuckled deviously. He should give his husband a treat this morning… He pulled out his frilliest, pinkest apron tying it around himself. … He still enjoyed wearing them, and Discord didn’t seem to mind. He wasn’t exactly the pudgy little dragon who’d first started wearing them though…

Spike caught a glimpse of his reflection in a hanging pot and smirked, treating himself to a flex show. “Looking good, Spike. Looking real good…” With that tradition out of the way, he quickly got to chopping onions and peppers. Both of them loved spicy food and could tolerate much more than ponies so jalapenos were pretty standard breakfast fare for them. Both the jalapenos and onions still did make his eyes water though, dragons aren’t completely invulnerable.

Discord noticed the heavenly smell of Spike’s cooking and headed into the kitchen and got a treat for all of his senses and the sight of his husband in an apron and nothing else. Spike normally went nude, which was normal in Equestria, but the apron highlighted his ... everything.

A teeny red demonic version of Discord appeared over his left shoulder, poking him with a pitchfork and chuckling deviously. Discord sighed and pulled a cord hanging overhead, tipping a bucket of ice-cold holy water over it. It wailed in outrage as it melted. So much yes, but later, the Draconequus thought.

Spike turned around. “Hey, it’s not ready yet!” he laughed.

Discord flopped onto a fainting couch he conjured up. “Then I shall just have to wait faster,” he complained, vibrating so hard he became a blur. “But do you need any help?”

“You could make a fruit salad?” Spike suggested.

Discord bowed with the air of a gameshow host. “Gladly.” He began to quickly slice some bananas and added grapes but stopped when he picked up a large red Mcintosh apple. He just stared at the fruit for a few minutes before he managed to neatly slice it, wincing with each cut. When it was done, the salad was a thing of true beauty, each piece of fruit artfully arranged to mimic the look of a stained glass window. And he hadn’t used any magic to do it, either. It was silly, but he was still proud of how far his cooking skills had come. Discord wouldn’t have thought he’d enjoy doing anything without using his magic, but there was a simple satisfaction in a job he’d done himself.

He really had changed. He hoped it was for the better, he honestly could never tell.

Once everything was done, Discord joined Spike in the breakfast nook, floating up to sit upside down on the ceiling. He hadn’t changed that much! Gravity was still a prison, thank you very much. The food was wonderful, but … he couldn’t taste it. Best not to mention that to Spike, his sweet dragon worried too much as it was. A trait he’d definitely picked up from Twilight.

In the millennia in which he’d existed, Discord hadn’t quite figured out traditions. He understood the basic principle, but doing the same thing over and over again, often on the same date or in the same season felt stifling to him. Another example of ponies and other creatures trying to chop an incomprehensible universe up into comprehensible bite-sized pieces they could stomach. The thought made his stomach turn. Out There was more vast then they could comprehend! It wasn’t safe, but it was glorious! An overwhelming symphony of the cosmic dance of creation, destruction, and chaos!

Why would you want to put all of existence into a straightjacket with things like time? Or table manners? Or etiquette? Or friendship? Or … love?

Discord could and often did time travel for fun, and usually had to physically restrain himself to keep himself from punching his younger self. How could someone as brilliant and crafty as he was be so utterly STUPID?!

As Discord was treated to a mental film reel of his biggest flops, he floated back down to the floor and packed a picnic basket. Spike hovered nearby, only offering a gentle hum of reassurance or a helping claw where needed.

Spike knew how to read his husband better than Discord knew, and he knew what today was always like for the Chaos Spirit. But he always calmed down, and he never once complained. It wasn’t that Discord didn’t like their anniversary, far from it. It was one of his favorite days of the year. But … it was their anniversary. That was the problem. One not even Discord could fix, with all the magic in every cell of his body.

Discord held up the basket for inspection, glancing at Spike. The dragon nodded and gave him a thumbs up.

Spike then untied his apron he was wearing and laid it down to be washed later, chuckling at the small, needy whine that escaped Discord as he did so. Honestly, it was like being married to a cat in a lot of ways…

They both headed outside, locking the door behind them. Discord and Spike didn’t live on the mainland anymore, they lived on a small, remote island of the coast of Califoalnia. It was private to the point most ponies didn’t know it existed. There were some perks to having been raised by royalty.

While Discord could simply teleport them anywhere in the world and even beyond, part of the point of today was to take it slow, do things the old-fashioned way. Discord simply teleported the two of them to the mainland and they waited to board a train, getting odd looks from the ponies around them. You didn’t see a dragon and Draconequus as an everyday occurrence…

Once inside, the train whisked them to their first destination. Discord glanced at Spike, remembering when the much younger dragon had introduced him to Ogres and Oubliettes. ‘Me, amazing! Them? Well, I’ve forgotten who we’re talking about…’ Discord winced at that.

Spike glanced at him. “What are you thinking about?”

“Our first Ogres and Oubliettes session.”

Spike chuckled at the memories. “Mmm. That could have been a disaster. I’m so glad it wasn’t. I was actually remembering when you waited for me…”

Discord’s eyes widened as the memories came flooding back.

Discord had popped into Ponyville on a whim to visit his friends. The quaint colorful town was like a ghost town. He tugged on his beard. Another monster attack? This was one of the most chaotic towns in Equestria, one of the reasons it was near and dear to his heart.

Figuring he could fend off anything that leaped out and attacked him, Discord decided to risk it. “Hello?” he called out.

Octavia struck her head out of her cottage. It was a testament to how far he had come that she didn't scream at the sight of him. “Discord?” she asked. It was obvious that she’d been crying. That was cause for alarm.

“What in the name of the Hasbro overlords is going on here?!” Discord asked.

Octavia sniffled. “You haven’t heard? It’s Spike. He’s … dead.”

“WHAT?!!!”

Discord was frantically shoveling dirt with his bare paw and talon as fast as he could for all he was worth. He didn’t care where it landed, or that he was digging up a coffin, what mattered was who was inside it. He finally found the coffin and quickly hauled it up with a magical burst of strength.

He busted it open, not caring about property damage, he could fix that later. He glanced down at the purple and green dragon. Spike wasn’t a baby anymore, and he looked so peaceful in there.

Discord performed a quick examination, since he knew what to look for that ponies would miss. He didn’t even bother putting on a doctor persona. He finally glanced up. “He’s not dead.” The assembled townsponies murmured in shock. “He’s asleep,” Discord spat. “He’s in his first Dragon Sleep. Which to you would probably seem like death, luckily I know better. Otherwise he’d wake up buried alive. That would be pretty traumatizing.”

A voice piped up from the back. It wasn’t a voice that was heard often, so when it spoke, you needed to pay attention. "How long will he be like that?" Big Mac shouted, the crowd parting to let him through.

Discord shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. In a fully-grown dragon, it can last centuries. But Spike is only 18, so it might be shorter. There’s not a good way to wake him up early, and if we did, it could really harm him.”

“What should we do?” asked Scootaloo.

Discord shrugged and picked up the lanky dragon as though he weighed no more than a feather. “Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m going to wait for my friend.”

Discord flew off, adding foalnapping and body snatching to his list of crimes for that day. He didn’t go far. On the edge of town a new building warped into existence, a resting place for Spike and a place for Discord to keep his vigil.

Only one towsnpony approached. Discord’s ear turned at the familiar clip-clop, but he didn’t otherwise react.

“Ya going to sit there the whole time?”

Discord nodded. “I can. I don’t need to sleep or eat; I just enjoy it. I … want to be there, when he wakes up. To make sure he knows he’s OK.” Discord’s voice was strained.

A few emotions quickly crossed Big Mac’s face as he mulled it over, before he simply nodded and proclaimed, “Eeyup.” The red stallion walked away, but this wasn’t the end of it.

Twilight Sparkle came down the next day, wracked with guilt. “I thought he was dead,” she sobbed. “I’m so glad he isn’t, but … I buried him alive!” she said with horror. “I should have known it was a Dragon Sleep, I should have tested more. But all the tests we performed said he was…”

“Medically dead,” Discord said flatly. “His heart’s only going to beat once a week at the most, it makes bears look tame.”

Twilight gave a saddened chuckle at that. “I should have done more…”

Discord sighed. “I’m not mad at you. I was, but … I’ve calmed down. You did what you thought was right with the knowledge you had, and it was honestly a nice grave. Shame I missed the funeral, I could have teased him about it for years,” he said with a toothy grin. “Just out of curiosity, why did you burry him in Ponyville? You’re the Princess now, and weren’t you both born and raised in Canterlot?”

Twilight shrugged. “Ponyville is our home. I’m planning to be buried here, if…” She looked quizzical. “Can I die?”

Discord sighed. “Even if you got the same level of immortality Celestia and Luna did, nothing lasts forever. Well, I do,” he said with a bitter smile. “So, eventually, yes. It just might take a few eons.”

Twilight blinked. “How old are y-?”

“Oh, Twilight, it’s rude to ask a mare her age!” Discord cried in mock horror, turning into a drop-dead gorgeous unicorn mare.

While it was a playful way to deflect the question, there was a dangerous undercurrent to his response. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.

Discord waited a moment before changing back. Twilight mercifully changed topics. “… I will have to get back to my duties eventually, but … would you like some company?”

Discord nodded. Twilight simply put a wing around him and they sat in a comfortable silence. Eventually Twilight did have to leave, but she made Discord Pinkie-Promise to send her updates and inform her the instant Spike woke up.

And so Discord sat and watched.

“Reader, I married him,” Discord concluded, shutting the book. “Hmph. Not my favorite novel, but better than a lot of the Romance today. Do you like romance? I’m sure you do. You probably have a secret stash in your room. … Oooh, that embarrassed silence says yes!”

“Readin’ to him?” a voice asked.

Discord leapt into the air, letting out a sound like a leaf blower in surprise. He’d been so distracted Big Mac had managed to sneak up on him. Once he’d gotten his heart rate under control, he spotted a basket the stallion was holding. “Uh, yes. I mean, it’s not like he’s in a coma, I’d like him to be entertained.”

Big Mac chuckled and held out the basket. “Ya might not need to eat or sleep, but yer a wreck. Ah’ll keep watch tonight, no work tomorrow morning. Go eat something and put yer head down for a bit.”

“But, I”

“Ah’ll get Fluttershy to do whatever she does to get in contact with you if anything happens. Ya have ma word,” the stallion said with finality.

Discord nodded, taking the basket gratefully. Some food and a quick nap did sound good… “Thank you.”

Big Mac nodded. He then grinned. “Ya know, readin’ to him like that? … Yer pretty cute.”

That word sent a shock up Discord’s body from the tip of his tail to his ears and his eyes widened as it echoed in his mind. Cute cute cute…

Discord grabbed the basket. “Ah, thank you,” he mumbled, quickly disappearing.

Discord tossed and turned. “Cute.” Nopony has ever called me cute. Normally, it’s … “Freak!” “Monster!” “Loser!” “Cry to mommy!” Discord winced as he felt phantom stones striking him from across the centuries. But not cute. … Could somepony find me … handsome? he thought with a note of desperate hope. Faust knows I’m not picky about who I get a crush on, but … it’s never been returned. It always blows up in my face.

Discord closed his eyes and drifted off.

He woke up to sunlight streaming into a barn. This wasn’t where he’d gone to sleep, he didn’t find hay a comfortable mattress. He was ready to snap himself back home when he felt something stirring next to him and a pair of forelegs wrap around him. Discord stiffened as somepony nuzzled him.

“Mff. Morning,” a sleepy, familiar baritone called in a tender voice.

Discord turned his head completely around to see that yes, that was Big Mac spooning him. The stallion was smiling up at him with … love.

Discord felt his brain stop and restart a few times as it tried to process this. Had he teleported here in his sleep? Had he… With Big Mac?!

A third party sat up and yawned, revealing itself to be Spike, who quickly trapped Discord in a death cuddle.

Discord sighed. “Oh. I’m dreaming. Of course. … I don’t want Luna to see this, so I’d like to wake up now,” he said bitterly.

His eyes fluttered open. Discord rarely got panic attacks, but judging by his heart rate, he was overdue. He took a few deep breaths. “OK. I … have a crush on my best friends. Well, best friends after Fluttershy. This isn’t good. Friends don’t get crushes on friends! That has to be in the Bro Code somewhere… Besides, they … they couldn’t like me back. Big Mac is straighter than a two-by-four. I helped patch up a fight! And Spike has had that cute but mildly creepy crush on Rarity practically since he hatched.” Discord took a deep breath. “Besides… I wouldn’t want to pick. I’ll just stay friends. That’s … enough.” Liar… Of course, you invented lying, but oh, the lies you tell yourself… Part of him chided. “SHUT UP!” Discord growled.

He sighed. He obviously wasn’t getting much more sleep tonight.

At dawn, Big Mac heard wingbeats as somepony flew into Discord’s … shrine? The townsponies weren’t sure what to call it. It was Discord, returning the basket. Big Mac smiled when he noticed every crumb had been eaten.

“Ya sleep?” the stallion asked.

“Some,” Discord replied, not wanting to lie completely. “Thank you for the cooking, it was wonderful. Some of the best I’ve had.”

Big Mac’s smile was more beautiful than the dawn. “Shucks. Thanks.”

Discord’s eyes widened. “You cooked that?!”

Big Mac nodded. “Ya don’t think Ah make my sisters do everything, do ya?”

Discord fell down onto his knees, holding his paw and talon together in a pleading gesture as a Japonese schoolboy’s uniform appeared on him. “Teach me, Senpai!”

Big Mac blinked. “Ya … really want me to teach ya how ta cook?” Discord nodded fervently as a shaft of light clicked onto Big Mac’s location and heavenly music began to play. The stallion chuckled at the display and Discord’s rather good puppy eyes. “All right. Jus’ not today. But Ah promise Ah will.”

Discord cheered at that and fist pumped. Big Mac threw in a quick word of caution. “But Ah only know how ta do it mah way. So we wouldn’t be usin any magic. That OK?”

Discord deflated slightly, then mulled it over. “It … probably wouldn’t kill me,” he begrudgingly admitted.

“That’s the spirit!” Discord was shocked to find himself being hugged by Big Mac. If the stallion’s eyes had been open, he would have seen Discord’s wings burst open in a shower of confetti and his pupils turn to hearts. Inside, Discord was mentally screaming, Aaaaauuugghhh! OK, I’ve been wanting this, but play it cool! Discord tugged at the fur on his neck like a collar, letting out a cloud of steam with the sound of a whistling tea kettle.

Big Mac’s eyes opened at that, and he glanced up at the noodle-shaped being with a touch of concern. “Ya OK?”

“Never better!” Discord croaked.

Big Mac didn’t believe a word of that but decided to not press the issue. “Ah’ll check back on ya soon ya cute dork.”

That word again. Like an arrow right to his heart, but … in a good way? “Uh, yes. Of course! Thank you.”

Discord watched Big Mac walk away, noting the swing of his hips. He turned to the still-sleeping Spike stretched out on the bed Discord had made for him. “This goes to the grave, but I’m way past crush here. Help?”

Spike didn’t answer.

It wasn’t an everyday thing, but Big Mac was the pony who spent the most time with Discord. He was rather talkative around Discord and Spike. Apparently he’d been a real chatterbox when he was younger, which Discord found hard to believe, since he’d hardly heard him utter more than a syllable at a time before their first guy’s night.

They just … talked. It wasn’t anything more than just two friends passing the time, but it was comforting in a way Discord hadn’t known he’d needed.

Apparently Big Mac had relatives in Manehatten, and he always spent 3 weeks there when the harvest wasn’t being taken care of. Discord asked what the ultimate country stallion got up to in one of the world’s biggest cities, and the only reply he got was a mysterious grin.

Discord wanted to get to know him better. As a friend, of course. You wanted to know your friend’s interests, right? His mind certainly never pictured using what he’d learned for dates… Or how much he wanted to kiss the stallion. Or how astonishingly beautiful his smile was. While Discord was enjoying spending time with Big Mac, the rest of Ponyville was experiencing a mysterious cold water shortage. Probably nothing to worry about. Honestly with Discord now practically a resident of the town, that was the least odd thing they could remember happening with him around. He was almost being tame; he wasn’t even bothering to play his usual tricks.

It got to the point that Fluttershy had to come around and gently remind him to let some chaos loose or else he risked disappearing again.

The two of them would take it in turns to update their sleeping charge on the state of the world or the town, or just read to him. Big Mac had a surprisingly large comic book collection and made a quick convert out of Discord. They did make sure to read Spike more educationally appropriate materials, on the theory that hopefully some part of the dragon’s mind was listening, but they both had a blast being utterly silly while reading comics to him; doing funny voices and sound effects.

It was almost a year to the day latter, just before dawn. Big Mac was snoozing peacefully on the floor, leg twitching occasionally while Discord read a book.

Discord’s ear twitched at a sound. “Mmmf,” someone groaned in the voice of someone who didn’t want to get up.

Discord noticed the changing light. Ah. Should probably tell Big Mac to get up soon in a minute if he doesn’t himself.

He glanced down. Big Mac wasn’t waking up. So who had-?

“Uurg,” A voice Discord hadn’t heard for almost a year slurred. “Too. Early.” Lips smacked. A faint whine of, “Five more minutes?”

“S-Spike?!”

Big Mac’s eyes flew open at that. The dragon was sitting up. “Where … am I?” he yelped as Discord flew over and crushed him in a hug. Spike thumped on the Draconequus’s back in a way that would have bruised a lesser creature’s ribs. “Discord … can … barely … breathe!” Discord let go. “Are … are you crying?!” Spike asked in alarm.

“I’ve really missed you…” Discord said. Big Mac nodded.

“Sheesh, I just took a nap, you guys are acting like I died or something!” Discord and Big Mac burst out laughing at that. “What’d I say?!”

Discord wiped away a tear. “We’ve got a lot to tell you…”

After everypony had a reunion with Spike and Discord explained how he could better tell that a Dragon Sleep was coming on, the three friends decided to break with tradition. They were going to have a Guys’ Night without their friends being out of town. They hadn’t had one for over a year!

Besides, they were wrapping up a campaign that had been years in the making. It was the final session.

Spike smiled as he began to narrate. “And so, with peace restored to the land, you two look at each other, smile warmly, and ride off into the sunset. It’s the beginning of a wonderful new life.”

Big Mac sniffled. “Ya touch me, ya know?”

Discord nodded. “That was a little bit mushy, but … in a good way. Hey, you’ve spent months of your own time putting your heart and soul into this campaign. You brought us so much joy, horror, and excitement. If there’s anything we can do to return the favor, let us know.”

Spike grinned bashfully. “Thanks, that means a lot. You know, if you really want to help me… Do one of you want to DM the next campaign?”

Discord and Big Mac looked at each other in an awkward silence. “Well, time to go!” Discord called quickly.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac summed up. He glanced at Spike. “Sorry, Partner, Ah’ve got a rare medical condition. Every time Ah DM a session, one of ma cousins dies.”

“WHAT?!”

Big Mac nodded. “Eeyup. All 204 first cousins, just … Poof! Gone.”

“And I have a condition where the threat of DMing causes me to forget how to speak Ponish,” Discord added.

“OK, that isn’t even possible…” Spike complained.

“Que?” Discord asked.

Spike glanced at his two best friends. Discord had sprouted a sombrero and Big Mac was holding out a framed photo of a young filly and whimpering as he begged Spike not to condemn her.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Fiiinnne…. I kind of had notes to start the next campaign anyway…”

Discord and Big Mac cheered and then it happened. “I love you guys,” Discord said while laughing. His eyes widened. “Uh, in a completely platonic friend way, of course! No H-” Discord’s throat seized up like when he’d first apologized to them. Part of him did not want to finish that phrase.

“Uh,” Spike managed to get out.

“Well, thank you for a lovely – I mean ENJOYABLE evening! It was great! Really must be running along now!”

“Discord,” Big Mac said with a bit of force. It was enough to make him plop back into his seat. Big Mac was staring at him with curiosity. “Ya like stallions?”

Discord sighed. “I like everything,” he said, holding up a non-stick pan for a visual gag. “But … I’ve … kind of fallen in love with you. Both of you, actually. I … wouldn’t want to choose between you. But I won’t have to, because you two are about the straightest straights that ever straighted, so…”

They burst out laughing. “What did I say?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Big Mac chuckled. “Ya want to know what Ah get up to in Manehatten?” Discord nodded. “Not a thing,” Big Mac said with an evil grin. He switched to a falsetto, “But rumors do tell, my dear sir, of a lovely red mare by the name of Orchard Blossom wooing the hearts and minds of many a poor, lonely stallion on the drag circuit.”

Discord blinked. “You mean, you’re-”

“An out and proud drag queen,” Big Mac finished. “Took me a while to git comfortable with it, but Ah love it.”

“But … you and Sugar Belle are … I thought you were practically engaged!”

“Ah didn’t exactly discover Orchard Blossom until recently in ma life. Ah wondered why Ah enjoyed getting’ gussied up and pretty, but still thought of maself as a normal stallion. Turns out, Ah wasn’t like most stallions. Sugar Belle figured it out first. She tried to set me up with her cousin,” Big Mac said with a laugh. “He was nice enough, but not ma type.”

“If you say I’m your type, I swear to Faust-” Discord started to say.

Big Mac just shrugged. “Is it gay to say ma friend’s got a great butt?” he teased.

“Well, yes, I do, but that’s not the point!” Discord looked at Spike. “OK, Mr. ‘I have an entire novel’s worth of fanfiction devoted to my imaginary relationship with Rarity…’”

Spike nodded. “And I’ve been crushing on Thorax almost since the day we met.”

Discord slumped down and banged his head on the table. “Right, I’m out. My life has become a badly-written harem fanfic, and I don’t have to sit here and take it!” He glanced up at them. “OK, but there’s no possible way you’d be OK with my dating both of… Oh,” he said quietly, seeing their expressions. He glanced around the room. “OK, Luna, you can spring the candid camera now! Ha, ha, very funny, hope everypony got a good laugh!”

“Discord, you spent almost a year refusing to leave my side. It’s pretty obvious that that’s a bit more than your typical friendship. So… Do you want to date us?”

“You two … like … each other that way?”

Spike shrugged. “We spend more time around each other than our sisters. … It kind of … happened. Besides, I’ve got two claws, and you’re one of my best friends as well. I’d like to be more too…”

Discord mulled it over. “All right. You two can start by taking me out for pizza!” When he saw their unamused glares, he chuckled nervously. “Or … I could treat you, since I can make it rain money and all…”

“Reader, I married them,” Discord mused. More memories flashed through the aging Spirit’s mind. Fifth dates in bowling alleys because they both knew what a klutz he was. Trying exotic new foods now that Canterlot was no longer required to be bland. Watching the sunset over the hills of Sweet Apple Acres. Oh, Faust, the unending harvests he’d helped to bring in! Dancing in the kitchen as his coltfriends helped teach him to not burn it down. Crying with Apple Bloom when her rabbit died. His first kiss with each of them, missing both times.

Discord felt something roll down his cheek as he remembered his wedding. Oh. Liquid joy. He’d missed that… The three of them had gotten into a scuffle that nearly broke Ponyville over who was proposing to who first. The chewing out the three of them had received … Totally worth it. Discord chuckled at the memory of Shining Armor bawling like a baby at his baby brother’s wedding. Figuring things out on their honeymoon… That had been fun.

His informing the Sparkle and Apple Families that he was dating a member of each and expecting to be blasted into oblivion. His shock that everypony was … OK with it, provided he treated their boys well. Big Mac was the protective older brother in his family, but it didn’t need to be said that if Discord ever hurt him, the Apple Family would have a new Draconequus skin rug in the living room. And since Twilight was one of the few beings in Equestria with the magical skill and power to genuinely harm Discord, no variation of “If you hurt him, I’ll kill you and make it look like an accident,” was needed.

Apple Bloom was thrilled that she might one day have another brother, and Shining Armor was too. Equestria had always had an interesting ratio of females to males, so it went without saying most of their friends were mares. It was almost a rare treat to have another guy friend who wasn’t serving under him for Shining.

Discord gave a laugh as he remembered how silly he’d felt in his tux that day. He’d happily volunteered to play the role of the “bride” in an unusual wedding, and while he would have gladly worn an over-the-top dress, his fiancés had talked him out of it. He did have on a garter belt though; he wouldn’t be him if he didn’t have a least a little fun with it.

Discord was pulled out of his memories of his wedding day by a voice calling his name and someone gently shaking him. “Hmm?”

“We’re here,” Spike said with a reassuring smile.

“Oh. Thank you.” Discord looked at Spike almost with worry.

Spike took Discord’s paw and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Still here,” he whispered lowly enough that only Discord heard it. “Shall we?” Discord nodded.

Spike gave an impressed whistle at the towering skyscrapers surrounding them. “Do you think they’ll ever have flying cars?”

“The fact that Ponies even have cars, and phones, and internet is sometimes too much,” Discord griped. “But … time.”

Spike nodded. “Three hundred and two years. Feels like yesterday.”

“Sometimes, yes.”

Once again the duo was given a wide clearance of personal space, but it didn’t bother them as much as it once did. They’d changed with the times as well, Ponies’ ancient fear of a Draconequus and young adult dragon hadn’t.

They started out in Manehatten, enjoying seeing the wonderful sights of the city and the way it had changed from year to year. Both males had legendarily large appetites, and one of the foodie cities in Equestria was certainly a treat for them. Especially as the city’s cuisine became more and more international.

They could only stay until lunch, though. They had lots of other places across the country to be. The Friendship Express had become a new and improved high-speed rail that meant you could actually cross the continent in a single day.

Spike chuckled when he noticed his husband gripping onto the arm rests with his eyes screwed shut. “You’ve flown faster than this!” he teased.

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it!” Discord shouted back. Spike just rolled his eyes.

They stopped for a few hours in Canterlot, paying their respects to Twilight, who was thrilled to see both of them. The Alicorn knew they came to the mainland more than once a year, so she would have other times to catch up. Today was special.

As the train rocketed on, Discord glanced at the sun and let out a quiet chuckle. We are literally racing time. ... I never knew how precious it was…

They still had a few hours before sunset at their final destination for the day. The train roared into the Ponyville station. Discord climbed out, stretching to relieve some of the sitting he had been doing all day.

He glanced at the colorful thatched cottages and smiled. “It hasn’t changed.”

“We were here last year,” Spike put in.

Discord shook his head. “No, I mean … It hasn’t been 300 years here.”

“Aw. You’re getting sentimental.”

Discord laughed. “I’m the Spirit of Chaos, it’s my nature to crave change, but … some things I just want to be the way they were.”

Spike took his husband’s paw. “Me too. I’m glad it’s … just the way we left it.”

Despite its many claims to fame, Ponyville was still a small town and so it didn’t take them long to catch up on their familiar sights and say hello to friends and descendants of friends.

Finally, as the sun was beginning to set, it was time.

They both walked through several orchards until they came to a pear tree intertwined with an apple tree, almost in an embrace. It was massive, the largest tree in both orchards, standing guard over everything.

Next to it was a smaller Macintosh apple tree. Beside that tree was a plaque: “Here lies ‘Big’ Macintosh Apple. Son, Grandson, Brother, Husband, and above all, a true friend.”

Discord would never be able to find the onion ninjas who inhabited the Apple Family property, but he had sworn his eternal revenge. He certainly was not crying. It was a farm, there was lots of dust to get into his eyes.

Spike wrapped around Discord and hugged him as the Draconequus sobbed. “It’s not fair,” Discord whispered.

“No, but … would you change it? If you could?”

“No. He’d kill me,” Discord said with a chuckle.

“Eeyup. He’s entitled to his death.” Discord nodded.

Spike gently pulled them up the hill that overlooked the orchards just as the sun seemed to set the sky on fire.

Discord leaned back against a tree and closed his eyes.

He opened them, and was somewhere else. Well, somewhen else, actually. He was 301 years younger, and it was his very first wedding anniversary.

He was cuddled with both of his husbands on a hill, overlooking Big Mac’s family heritage. “You’re going to keep this going, I’m assuming?” Discord asked.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac firmly said. “Granny Smith ain’t dead yet, and just because Ah’m the oldest doesn’t mean Ah’m the heir, but I want to keep this place going for the next thousand years.”

Discord chuckled. “Well, by that point it would be your descendants, surely?”

“Well, ma family’s, yep. ‘Less we can all have a kid with yer magic?”

Discord chuckled at the thought of being a father. “I … honestly don’t know. You two would be amazing dads, but me… Well, we’ve got lots of time to plan for the future.”

Big Mac nodded. “Can ah make a request?” They both nodded. “You’ll both outlive me.” Discord opened his mouth to protest that. “Ah don’t want either of ya to mess with ma lifespan!” Big Mac shouted, stomping a hoof. “Ah’m happy with the time Ah’ve got!” He calmed down. “But … when Ah do die, please burry me here. And use me to make a tree. Ah’d want to know ma last act was helping something new to grow.”

Discord glanced at Spike, who looked as nervous as he did. Discord sighed. “Fine. And … we’ll keep this place going for you. We might need some help, but … I want everypony to know how amazing you are.”

“Shucks, makes it sound like ya like me or somethin’,” Big Mac teased. The three burst into a fit of giggles.

Discord then drew his husbands into a hug. “Thank you for being you,” he said.

Big Mac laughed and pecked him on the cheek.

Discord’s eyes opened as he felt a wet sensation on his cheek. He turned. A mostly transparent Big Mac was smiling at him. “We had a good run,” the stallion said. “Ah know it was too short fer ya, but I wouldn’t trade a second of it, ya hear me? Thank you for making the last few decades of ma life the happiest Ah’ve ever been. Ya take care of Spike now, ya hear me? He needs ya too. And ya need him as well. Ah’m not sad it’s over, Discord, Ah’m so happy it happened.” He chuckled. “And the farm’s doing great too.”

Discord nodded. He’d promised, after all. Big Mac kissed him on the lips this time. “Ah guess this is talkin’ in fancy, but Ah don’t want to say goodbye, because it’s not. Au revoir, ma love. Keep living until ya feel alive again. Promise me.”

Discord nodded. Big Mac gave a satisfied nod and faded out.

Spike walked over carrying an Apple Family super-secret recipe pie he’d made them. “Uh, are you OK?”

Discord nodded. “I’m … better. Then I’ve been in a while, I think. Alive is sad when it’s over, but it’s not over yet. I’ve still got so much to see and do.”

Spike smiled and joined his husband for desert, watching the stars come out over the place they came every year to make sure they were keeping their end of a promise.

Author's Note

To clear up that confusing (and painful) opening, it's based on this meme:

No coworkers were harmed in the making of that scene, I don't have any. :rainbowlaugh:

Discord is an author who writes fanfiction in his spare time, and Spike is a professional comic book artist. Power Ponies hasn't been running for 300 years, but Spike was able to bring it back. :raritywink: I wanted to give them day jobs they would both enjoy.
Discord is Pan, and Thorax helped Spike realize he's Bi in this AU.
...
Everyone is even more horrifically out of character than normal in my fanfics and the "love confession" is just. Bad.
Welp, I wasn't expecting to get last place anyway... 🤷
I hope at least some of it was enjoyable...