"Dude." said Squiggle.
"Dude." said Squiggle's friend Dusty Duds.
"ConventionCon is literally the best convention that has ever convened." Squiggle said.
"Gotta disagree with you there buddy." Dusty answered. "CanterCon literally destroys ConventionCon in literally every category except one."
Squiggle scrunched his face in disgust at somepony disagreeing with his objectively correct opinion.
"And what, dare I ask, is that one category?" Squiggle asked.
Dusty faced towards the night-sky, peered thoughtfully at the full moon, felt the cool breeze of the nighttime air on his muzzle and slowly said: "Booze." To this Squiggle nodded in agreement as he downed another shot of Celestia brand, cake flavored Whiskey-cider.
The two Earth pony friends had long attended conventions together and now found themselves at one of their favorite yearly traditions: The ConventionCon Pub Trot!
As experienced and responsible con-goers the two had of course been drinking heavily before the start of the trot so as to maximize their enjoyment of the evening far above the level of the other normy pub trotters. They had come to this convention fully prepared with an assortment of pony versions of various alcoholic drinks and had been pre-gaming hard before the start of the legendary pub trot. This being their favorite pub trot of the year, it seemed only natural that this should be the case.
When the time came the two friends trotted off with their group of trotters for what was sure to be the best pub trot of the pub trot season. They had each stashed several flasks of the highest quality liquors(all cake and candy flavored of course, I mean this is Equestria) and at each stop made absolutely certain to very wisely mix and chug all the wonderful kinds of drinks they could get their grubby little hooves on.
"Ah!" exclaimed Squiggle. "This is an excellent vintage of whatever I happen to be drinking and shall indeed pair very well with the pear flavored pony-vodka I have in my flask!" he drank many swigs of this mixture.
"Yes indeed!" gabbed Dusty Duds. "I myself shall indulge in this very fine oatmeal flavored brandy!"
They drank and they trotted far into the night. Bar after bar, dive after dive; the duo made their way across town swigging and chugging to their little pony heart's content. They had become so invested in their revelry that unbeknownst to the two friends, the rest of the pub trotters had left them behind and stranded at a bar that was particularly far from the ConventionCon hotel.
"Woe is to us!" lamented Squiggle. "We have been left and abandoned by out party to the cold and unfeeling whims of ConventionCon City! Whatever shall we do!?"
Squiggle looked desperately down at his drinking companion but Dusty Duds had already passed out on the floor of the bar. This worried Squiggle as he had failed to adequately memorize the directions from the bar to the hotel as he had been trotting. Squiggle very quickly grew worried that he and Dusty might now be lost forever in the winding and darkened streets of ConventionCon City. The horror!
It was in this darkest of hours, however, that Squiggle managed to steel his resolve and ensure the safe return of himself and his drinking buddy back to the safety of the hotel. He braced his hooves, heaved his sleeping friend onto his back and with great confidence and gusto hobbled his way out of the bar, onto the sidewalk, and then promptly fell face first onto said sidewalk. You see, Squiggle had forgotten about the fact that he too was quite drunk and carrying an unconscious pony on his back was no easy feet for even a sober pony. But this was no time to think about bodily limitations because the dark and evils streets of ConventionCon City would prove challenge enough.
Squiggle made his way down the dark and twisting alleyways of the city, Dusty Duds still draped over his back. The air was cold and the wind was colder but the copious amounts of alcohol his Squiggle's system ensured his ignoring of such trifles. As Squiggle turned down an especially dark and suspicious alley, Dusty suddenly sprang up and shouted, "Behold! A dark terror stalks these haunted ways. Beware Squiggle!" and with that Dusty passed out again.
Squiggle reeled around and sure enough a dark and foreboding silhouette of a mysterious stranger loomed, dark and menacing behind them at the entrance of the alley. Squiggle gave a shout of defiance and quickly sped down the alley and away from the certain doom that awaited behind the dynamic duo. Squiggle raced down one alley and then another and then another and so on and so forth until the silhouette disappeared.
"Don't worry old chum, I shall defend you from these terrors." Squiggle said proudly.
At this, several more darkness covered ponies emerged from the darkness and charged towards the two ponies. Squiggle let forth a mighty battle-cry as he deftly leapt out of harms way. The silhouettes once more made a charge but Squiggle pulled from it's sheath his mighty sword of power and cut down the insidious shadows that pursued him.
"Begone Cur!" Squiggle cried as he cut a bloody swathe of destruction through his foes. "By all Equestria, and by Celestia the sexy, you shall have neither Dusty, nor me!"
"Squiggle!" Dusty suddenly shouted, leaping up from his friends back, "My stupor has henceforth ended and I shall aid you in battle against the wraiths and shadows that now pursue us!"
The two friends battled their way through one alley after another but the dark paths seemed unending and their foes innumerable. Many fell shadows fell to the great blades of the two warriors that night, but alas, even the mightiest of heroes one day reach what some lesser ponies might call a limit. Squiggle, tired from carrying his friend fell first and though Dusty Duds stood valiantly in defense of his friends body, eventually the shadows enveloped him and the great Dusty was no more.
*****
"Well that was annoying." said a particularly agitated convention pony staff member.
"Hell yeah it was!" angrily exclaimed another. "I thought those two drunken idiots were going to run a around the hotel screaming lewd and obscene gibberish all night. Princess Celestia needs to make harsher laws about this kind of shit. If it were up to me those two would be straight to the fucking moon."
The first pony nodded in agreement, "I gotta be honest though, it was pretty entertaining for a while." he said.
"Can't deny that, but when the one whipped his dick out and shouted 'Fuck you, you Luna loving son-of-a-bitch!' I started to get a little worried." said the second.
"We've seen weirder though. And besides, it was kinda sweet how that one pony tried fighting off a luggage cart when he thought it was attacking his friend." the first pony said.
"I guess, but when the second pony whipped his dick out and started chasing the other guests, that's where I drew the line." the second convention staff pony added.
"Well, all's well that ends well. They're lucky they had some friends who could tie them up and take them back to their rooms or you might've called the pony police on them." the first pony sighed.
"I was about to call the pony police, if you recall, but one of their pone-phones fell onto the floor and I was able to call somepony on his contacts." the second pony gave an even bigger sigh than the first pony, "Well hopefully they'll learn from this and grow as ponies."
"Hopefully." the first pony nodded in agreement.
*****
"So, you got the second set of flasks ready for tomorrow's pub trot?" Squiggle asked Dusty in between vomiting into the hotel room toilet.
"Fuck yeah." Dusty agreed, taking his turn to vomit into the toilet after Squiggle.
