The Valencian

by Maulet Paya

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Sad, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Self Insert, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Profanity
Length: 4875

Ponyville have a new and weird resident and things are going to go of the rails . Intrige, humor, existencial drama, adventure ,tea parties,explosions and more await to the mane 6 and his new companion. Lets hope all end well

Celestia had been working on a plan, a centuries-long plan, and nothing is going to change that. Nothing at all, not a new creature in her kingdom with a strange tongue and even stranger music, not at all.

Carlos is in a strange place where horses are purple and green, talk English and have a high sugar tolerance. At least he has his house with him.

My take on the HIE fic archetype with my personal touches and venting. Is going to be personal, is going to be crude, is going to be musical but I hope you like my work.

Published 2022-11-12 23:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-08-08 10:13:59 UTC

Chapter 1 (Rewritte)

Sun shines, grass grows, and Fluttershy is late to her spa date with Rarity. She was usually the first to arrive at Lotus and Aloe parlor, but this morning all the animals were in a frenzy. And she didn't know why. No one of her animal friends knows either.

She was trotting to Ponyville proper for the little road between one of Whitetail forest's arms when she saw something strange. The first building you see entering the town is a logger shed, that is, until today. On one side of the shed was a building that wasn't there the day before. A small one-plant yellow brick house with a solid rock porch with some weird chairs and a weird small balcony upon an old blue wooden door. The house seemed round down and old, but some things like odd metal rods on the roof seemed new.

But the weirder thing was that that terrain was an empty plot the last time Fluttershy walked that path two days before. Then the door opened and the weirdest orangutan Fluttershy had ever seen sat in one of the chairs. It was fully clothed in long blue pajamas, and their feet were bare with a bit of fur, the same with their hands grabbing a pair of dirty glasses.

The thing that more impacted Fluttershy was the face of the creature that she had first thought was an orangutan, but was an unknown species of primate. The head was a bicolor ball of mane, the bottom reddish copper and the top light brown. Both halves of hair were curly and wild but looked clean at a distance .Two small and watery eyes looked at nothing, and their small nose sniffed. They signed and rubbed their eyes, then done their glasses and screamed.

“ME CAGEN DIOS!” (OH GOD DAMMIT!!!)

Fluttershy yelped and ran to hide behind a tree, her tail clearly visible and her shaking making leaves fall from the tree. The creature turned to her.

“Qui va? Ostia es best pone!, i la asustat!” It murmured to itself and with slow steps approached the scared pegasus.

“Hola , perdona perdona per asustarte, mantens? Me entiendes? Did you understand me?”

´Does it talk?´ Thought Fluttershy, her curiosity slowly but surely defeating her fear . She showed her head from behind the tree, nodded, and bolted behind the trunk.

“God, sorry if I scared you, I had a very bad morning and I needed to unwind a little” his voice, now Fluttershy was sure it was a he, whispered in a conciliar tone. He had a very thick and alien accent and talked with difficulty, like he hadn't talked equestrian in a long time and lacked practice. He seated on the ground in front of the tree and asked

“What is your name?”

“Fluttershy”

“What a beautiful name” he beamed a smiled with his crooked teeth in the yellow pony direction ” My name is Carlos, encantat of meeting you”

They stayed there in silence for a little.

Carlos turned to see around him, and some ponies were watching fearfully between windows and alleys. In the sky,the young man watched a blue and multicolored dot approaching at an alarming speed.

"Well Fluttershy, it was a pleasure to meet you" He sat up from the ground "But I have a lot of things to do, a house to clean, things to hide, and a plan to make. I hope I can see you soon" He started singing and whistling while walking to his house at a brisk pace "Always look on the bright side of life, tada, tada, tada tada tada"

Fluttershy watched as the creature that called himself Carlos entered his house and closed the door, seconds later Rainbow Dash crashed into the door at full speed, bounced, and stopped at Fluttershy's hooves.

"Oh my…"

Inside the house, Carlos talked a profound breath and exhaled slowly.

"Ok, esto es malo pero no tan malo como creía. Ahora a trabajar" (Ok, this is bad, but not so bad as I first thought. Now, to work )

After starting a song on his smartphone and with purpose on his steps, Carlos started cleaning his house for what he thought was a very probable visit from some kind of authority from this strange land.

First, the biggest room in the house, the dining hall /visitor's lounge/ what was needed at the moment/ room. Changing the pictures on the walls and in the big chimney was an easy and practiced movement for the young man after so many close calls with his parents and grandparents. Famous photos, murals, and paintings were replaced with landscapes and portraits. Carlos liked both sets of decorations, but some visitors wouldn't like or understand why he had a painting of the taking of the Winter Palace or a panoramic of Beach City in his home. One thing that didn't change was the shield and sword on the wall and the multitude of family photos.

The second step was dusting, sweeping, and more normal cleaning duties.

With the start of a new song on his phone, Carlos entered his small kitchen and took stocks of the food he had: four gaspatxo bottles, one lettuce, some bananas, tomatoes, a lot of mollusks and tuna in cans, a bit of cheese and the most problematic of all, one fuet.

With a sigh of resignation, he took the delicious meat stick and launched it into the trash bin. By his early interaction with the locals, he was in a herbivore territory and better play it safe.

After a visit and a little tidying in the even smaller bathroom, the man danced pretty badly on the way to the studio room with the padded walls, the expensive microphone, and a little but functional computer. Seeing all was in order, he continued dancing to the last room in the house and where the more dangerous stuff was stored, his room. But the dangerous stuff wasn't the posters, the majority of books not even the things stored in the secret storage box dug in the ground under the bed but in the computer.

After looking behind him, stopping the music, and securing he was alone, he started to comb into the dozens of terabytes of information in his possession. After deleting some archives and securing others behind passwords and misnamed folders, he extracted the most important and dangerous of all into a little pen drive.

Carlos looked at it in silence for minutes, knowing he had in his hand the most important piece of knowledge on the planet
"Que collons faig amb tu?" (Now what the balls I do with you?) He murmured to himself.

After a lot of thinking and a little bit of brickwork, that little problem was passed down in the Worrying List and Carlos opened a notebook and started to write things when something hit him.

" Whaaaaait , how and why do I have electricity and current water? My home and I being isekaid into horseland is one thing, but having it all connected to the local network is bullshit. A good thing but bullshit. And how my house ended on a road in a perfectly vacant building zone and not in a desert or in the middle of the sea? And and and…"

The sputtering and more angry questions continued for a while, recounting all the impossible things that were happening and building the second mental breakdown of the day. Trying to put it under control and do something productive at the same time, the young adult started to write it down and form a plan because he in need of one.

In the other point of town, a yellow pegasus recounted to her fashionista friend her tumultuous morning.

" Oh, darling that sounds terrible. Are you sure that beast didn't hurt you?"

Changing her posture a little in the aromatic bath they were submerged in, the shy pony responded.

" O no, he only scared me and he even apologized "

" It talked?"

" He, and he seemed sad and lost, like a little bear when he awoke in a different place where he started hibernation"

"That is a very specific comparison"

"Yes, last winter I found a little lost bear cub and…"

The conversation went to other things and the strange bipedal hairy thing was forgotten for now.

But for a cerulean mare hidden in a cloud, the creature was in the center of her mind. Her oldest friend Fluttershy stopped Rainbow Dash from charging again at the mysterious house that wasn't there yesterday, but nothing stopped her to take guard in a cloud near the house. She had a plan, to spy the house for any movement and when the monster when out to terrorize Ponyville she would strike the beast and save everypony , maybe even the Wonderbolts would notice her and let her join. The only thing she needed to do was wait.

She was snoring 10 minutes later.

In the center of town, inside a secret basement, another pony was thinking of the human. She wasn't there that morning, but she knows a new pony had entered the town, his very bones telling her that she was going to need the party cannon, the big one.

Ignorant of all of this, a muscular orange mare worked in the fields with her brother and a purple unicorn overworked herself in the library of the capital on the mountain. In the highest tower in the highest palace located in the highest part of the white and gold city, Princess Celestia noted a flicker in the ether and looked to the sky.

"It is back, the day is upon us"

Chapter 3

This was an important job, the most important in her forced retirement, and Agent Sweetie Drops knew it. She moved stealthily to the mission objective, jumping from shadow to bush to alley to barrel.Invisible , indetectable.
"Hello, BonBon!"
"'Sigh', hello Dizzy"
The most sneaky a bright yellow horse at midmorning can be.

Abandoning all stealth, Sweetie Drops walked to her destination. It was not what she expected. More than a house it seemed like a prison barracks.

After making sure that anyone was watching her she tried to enter the house. Sadly the front door was closed but that was not an obstacle for an agent of S.M.I.LE.

First, she tries to open the lock with her tools. After the last of her very expensive tools broke she tried the windows. All of them have iron bars in them. The upper patio door didn't even exist and the chimney was protected by even more iron bars.

Sweetie Drops could easily make a hole in the wall but that wasn't professional, and professionals have standards.

Then an opportunity appeared, literally.
"Hi, BonBon!" A pink eldritch god normally known as Pinkie Pie opened the door from inside, exited, and closed the door . Sweetie Drops only glancing a look at a fireplace with a large shield and a sword put in it

." Are you here to help me prepare the Welcome to Ponyville party!?"

Agent Sweetie Drops brain rattled a little inside her cranium for Unwanted Pinkie Exposure but she was a professional.

" Of course Pinkie, what other motive would I have for being here ?" Nailed

"To grab your mail silly"

"Mail?"

"Yes," Pinkie materialized two envelopes from her hair. "I was starting to prepare the party when I found this. One's for me and the other is for you and somepony named Sweetie Drops.

The yellow mare's blood grows cold.

" And what is it said in your letter Pinkie?"

The pink menace put on a pair of screaming orange reading glasses and started reading.

"Dear Pinkie Pie

Please, for the love of God, don't throw the party in my house, prepare it in the park or something.

With love, Carlos

PS: My favorite cake is chocolate and cookies."

Pinkie put her letter away and gave the other to the open-mouthed candy maker.
" I'm going to prepare that party right away. I will see you there, bye! “ and disappeared behind a conveniently placed tree

'How in the love of Celestia did this Carlos know that Pinkie Pie could try to prepare a surprise party in his home?' Sweetie Drops thought with dread eyeing the letter addressed to both of her identities.

" This is bad, really bad "

Opening the letter, she read it slowly, then again, and a 3 time

'Dear Agent Sweetie Drops or Bon Bon

My name is Carlos Payá and I'm a human stranded in this town. I do not have any evil or hostile intentions against you in particular or anyone in general but plis, don't enter my house without my permission. If you wish to talk with me I'm currently job hunting or talking to the Mayor. I will answer all the questions you have in person to you or to Her Majesty Celestia. And be assured, your secret is safe with me

Carlos'

After a second of heavy thought, the mare exasperated 'This is above my pay grade" and with a quill and paper from her saddle bag, she writes a report to her highest superior.

The sun shone through the window of the hospital room where Carlos was sleeping and slowly moved to his eyes. After a bit of turning, he opened his eyes and realized something.
"This is not my bed " They were in fact, two small beds put together. Carlos then feel a phantom ache in his head and arm, an IV cord attached to it.
"Men, that mare hit me hard"
On the right side of the room was a big window and a bedside table with his clothes neat and clean and his phone beside them. On the other side of the room were the room door and a big mirror.
Carlos checked the hour on his phone and realized he was out all day, the light of the sun slowly hiding behind the mountains.

After checking himself and seeing that he didn't have any more injuries and his modesty was protected by a hospital gown he took his phone and opened an app in it and waited for someone to come.

He didn't wait for long before a white unicorn mare with pink hair and the cutie mark of a smiling sun entered.

"Oh, you are awake! Hello, my name is Sunny Skies and I'm your doctor"

Carlos looked at the mare and then at the big mirror. Slowly he smiled.

"It is a pleasure meeting you, Doctor, my name is Carlos Payá and I want to thank you for looking for me"

" It wasn't a problem, even with your biology has been something a bit alien to us "

" I'm the first human you heal?"

" Human? If that is the name of your species then yes. If I'm sincere your simple existence is gonna be a big shock for the medical and scientific communities "

Carlos's eyebrows rose

"Why?"

"Well, you don't have practically any TOON?"
….
"What"

"Tersoroxid oretia nimbus, or TOON for short, is a still mysterious element that all living things have that permits higher thought processes and capabilities. A mouse has between 0' 1 and 1 Cart of TOON and sentient beings have between 10 and 80 Cart of TOON .

Carlos blinked perplexed at the unicorn

"No me puto jodas"

"What?"

"Nothing"

"Well" Sunny took a paper holder that Carlos hadn't seen in her before and consulted something, " The other analysis we did in you said that you have barely any magic, is that normal in your species?"

"No, we don't have any magic at all"

Sunny brow furrowed in thought

"We also detected a lot of scarred tissue and mended bones, especially prominent in your pawns.."

"Hands, they are called hands"

"Hands and lower back"

" Yeah, that sounds correct"

Sunny eyes moved to the man

"Are you a soldier of some kind? This seems like battle scars"

"Ha, I wish. I was a rugby player "

"Rugby?"

"A sport that is basically a 15 versus 15 brawl with a weird ball in it"

" That doesn't sound safe or healthy"

" It isn't, but it was glorious" Carlos's smile faltered "At least when it lasted "

Seeing the question in the pony face he continued

" 9 years ago I was a good player, a very good player indeed. I was even considered a titular player in my national team. But in one tournament I had a very painful lesion in my back. After that come 5 long years of operations and medication only to be able to walk again without screaming in pain. I lost my opportunity to fulfill my dream of representing my home , my teammates, my crush and, bueno, sorry for rambling"

Sunny digested slowly all this information.

"How old were you?"

"15, now I'm 24"

All of the information Sunny gathered from his patient coincided with her analysis, a battered body cut short at his peak.

" Did you have any more ailments"

"Deixa'm pensar…Yes, I have ADHD, chronic depression, dermatitis, PTSD, trauma-induced memory problems, and more things I'm sure I'm forgetting"

The doctor was shocked

" Yes, I know, I have an eventful life"

"But how? You are so young "

"I had bad luck"

In the pony eyes, Carlos saw something he hadn't seen in a long time, pity and understanding. After that, the doctor asked in a velvet voice

" And now what are you gonna do?"

"Live, one day at a time "

"Don't you want to go back home?"

"Yes, but is too dangerous"

" I'm sure the Princess can help you and "

" No, you don't understand. Is not dangerous for me, I dangerous for you"

"What?" Carlos face put in a serious mood absent in all the conversation before.

" I'm going to be sincere with you Sunny Skies, humans have a lot of good qualities and did a lot of good things but we also commit the worst of crimes upon ourselves and our planet. Me returning home open the possibility of others following my steps and I can't let that happen"

Sunny's face darkened.

"Are you willing to sacrifice yourself and your happiness only for the possibility of something bad happening to a world and people that you barely know?"

" Without a doubt" The bearded man's words rang like steel and unseen to him a green glow emanated from his eyes

Seeing this Sunny heart stopped for a second

"I .. understand" With barely contained emotion the doctor disconnected the IV port
"A nurse will come and give you your medical prescription, then you are free to leave " Without saying another word the doctor leaves the room.

Blinking like an owl Carlos thought
'Que conyo acaba de pasar? '

At the other side of the one-way mirror Agent Bon Bon finished taking notes as Sunny Skies entered the room.

" Instructions your highness?"

Where the petite pink-maned unicorn was before now an imposing white alicorn occupied her place.

" Normal surveillance"

"What!? Your Highness this creature is a risk for.."

"My orders are clear "

"Yes your highness"

With a flash of magic Celestia manifested a quill and parchment into existence and after a bit of writing gave it to the agent.

"Deliver this to the mayor and return to your post "

And with this, she teleported back to Canterlot.

In the solitude of her private room, the ruler of Equestria threw her regalia away and jumped into her bed. On the bedside table, her more recent family photo rested, she took it and cried.

She cried in anguish because her errors had condemned another poor tortured soul and at the same time all her guilt and sacrifice in the grooming of her own son were null and unnecessary.

Her only hope was that Spike would forgive her someday.

Author's Note

I'm back. Sorry for the wait but rl sucks . I'm opening mysteries and plot lines , hehehheheheheheh. Thanks for reading and I would love to read your theories

Chapter 2 ( Rewritten)

For a tourist or visitor, Ponyville seemed a very calm and picturesque town , the type of town where the more exciting thing was the harvest or the occasional funeral. But they are wrong. Living at a stone throw of the Everfree forest attracted a very peculiar type of ponies and creatures. Overworked mayors, party ponies, zebras, jello-obsessed stallions, and of course the occasional monster.

And this morning the rumor mill in the marketplace was working at full speed. Some kind of monster ( Thunderlane said it was a blue-haired Diamond Dog, and Daisy swears it was a bloodthirsty minotaur with anemia) had terrorized the poor mare that lived in the old cottage at the outskirts of town . And some ponies even said it had taken refuge in an old brick house that wasn't there the day before.

Imagine their surprise when that same monster walked in whistling a happy tune. And more surprisingly, it was dressed in a two-piece suit ." Good morning" it said to the stunned Flower sisters and continued on its path. All the ponies were paralyzed in fear and surprisingly some curiosity. They know how to react to a monster ( scream, run , repeat) but a monster in a suit was something that no one knew what to do, all except one that started running to the guard barracks. One of the ponies struck with curiosity was a little yellow earth pony with a giant bow in her mane . Partially hidden behind her grandmother in the Apple Family Apple stand ( ™ pending)

And like a hawk noticing a wounded pigeon, the creature changed path and walked to the stand with a smile.

"Good morning"

Granny Smith raised an eyebrow with the peace and parsimony of someone that has lived a lot.

"Good morning younung "

" I heard the beautiful apple orchard that borders the town belongs to vostè "

"Yea that is right, ta best apples in all of Equestria"

"Surely, the thing is , I was thinking if you have a place for a new worker " Surprise strike the old mare, and the ponies shamelessly eavesdropping

"What now?"

"Well, yesterday me and my home ended in this lovely town for some reason and I need a new job seeing my old one is…unavailable"

Granny Smith's face softened
" I'm sorry of hearing that but ourselves are in need of bits and we don't let the first pony that asks work in our apples don't matter how polite and well-dressed the monster that asks"

Carlos smile faltered

"I understand"

"You can ask around, I'm sure somepony has work for you" All the eavesdroppers suddenly found something more interesting to do. Carlos' smile disappeared.

During all this conversation, Appleblom watched the creature in detail, calling him a monster felt wrong for some reason. His wild-brow mane clearly won the battle against a comb for trying to make it straight and was simply tied up in a hairband letting the wild curls free, just like Pinkie Pie's one. He had a copper-colored beard and mustache like her lumberjack cousin AppleCut. Hidden by that mustache was a pair of big pink lips and a row of sharp teeth. Behind a pair of glasses, his gray eyes sparked with a bit of mischief. He was a little fat, but o Celestia he was big. Appleblom calculated he was a hoof taller than Big Mac!

Seeing how sad the creature seemed she asked

"What is your name Mister?"

The creature's smile returned " Hello little one I didn't see you there. My name is Carlos "

"And what are you? A creature of the forest?"

"Applebloom! Don't ask that, is impolite"

"No problemo ma'am, I can answer. I'm a human "

"Human? A never heard of that"

"No? Curious. Well, I need to leave. It was a pleasure to talk to you madam Smith and little Appleblom"

"Have a good day, young stallion"

"¡Bye Carlos!"

As he left, Appleblom turned to her grandmother,

"What was that granny?"

"A young human it seems "

"And what is a human?"

"I dunno but he was polite and respectful and that is what is important"

Hidden behind a tree, a mare watched with professional attention. She was officially retired but nopony left SMILE for real these days. Princess Celestia asked personally to have a sleeping agent guarding Ponyville and reporting everything that happened directly to her. No one in the agency knows for sure why, but Agent Sweetie Drops prides herself on being a professional and the appearance of this human was an unexpected development. 'Did he say something about a house? Let's infiltrate'. And with that, though the mare officially named Bonbon left, but first, she needed to find Lyra and drag her to work in her shop, the candy wasn't going to sell itself.

In the tallest building of Ponyville, a tan mare looked with apprehension at the mountain of paperwork on her desk that arrived by RPE( Royal Pegasus Express) from Canterlot 5 minutes ago. Ivory Scroll , known by her neighbors by the name Mayor Mare, scanned with professional speed the documents, and what was in it wasn't good news. Ponyville was granted the honor of hosting this year's Summer Sun celebration. And more strange, the document suggested ( demanded) that 5 specific mares carried the brunt of the job. Why these 5 mares, she didn't know.

Mayor Mare took a quill and tried to start the job of organizing a national holiday in only 2 months with the budget of a hug and a sandwich when somepony knocked at the door of her office.

"Pencil Pusher please tell me a pegasus from Canterlot is here to take back this paperwork"

A young unicorn entered the office adjusting his small glasses

"No ma'am, but , em,i think we have a 5xd7 situation"

"A 5xd7? " Mayor Mare looked from the window " Are you sure? I don't see burning buildings or royal guards recruits running for their lives "

" Yes Mayor, I'm sure a monster entered the town"

" And how are you so sure?"

"Em, he is in the waiting room and asked to see you"

"WHAT"

Mayor Mare sprinted past the scared gray unicorn and poked her head into the waiting room. And here it was, a monster. A monster in a two-piece suit looking at a rectangle in his hand with a smile on his strange face.

" Is like the unholy child of a Minotaur and a scaleless dragon"

Without moving the eyes of his hand the monster responded

" You know I can hear you right? And that was a little mean by the way"

Trying to defuse the situation and save her hide Mayor Mare entered the room with her best politician face, that in comparison to the politicians in Carlos's world wasn't even worthy of a primary education class delegate.

" I apologize for the words of my subordinate. He is now in the job you see ?"

"Apologies accepted " Seeing the situation defused, Mayor Mare asked "You wanted to see me, Mister..?

"Carlos, and yes I would like to talk to vostè I mean you "

"Then pass to my office "

Inside the office, Mayor Mare seated behind her desk

"Well, what can I help you with?"

Carlos tried to seat in the opposing chair, but after a dying scream of the wood of the old chair, he opted to remain up.

"I want to be registered as citizen of Ponyville"The mayor eyebrows started to rise

"That can be arranged"

"And register my house too"

"Your house?. Wait , you aren't exactly from Equestria, no?"

"Yes, in from….far, far away"

Mayor Mare grabbed an old big dusty time from one of the bookshelves and started to look from something.

"You say you and your house were suddenly transported here from your home country?"

Now was Carlos turn to be surprised

"Yes, that was exactly what happened"

Tapping her hoof two times in a concrete page in the book, Mayor Mare said .

"You and I are in luck , this happened before and there is old legislation about it."

"Seriously?"

"Yes. On towns like Ponyville , Shires Hollow, or Jaruya that are built near or inside Territories of the Wild is not uncommon to wild magic unusual occurrences. Here says the protocol to follow in this exact situation"

"And what does it say? Carlos' coolness was diminishing by the second.

In a fast movement and with the speed and force of her tribe Mayor Mare grabbed the book and smashed poor Carlos's head with it. He was out instantly.

"First step, neutralize the possible danger. The second step is medical. Pencil Pusher !"

The pony entered the office

" Yes Mayor?"

"Help me carry Mister Carlos to the hospital"

Author's Note

hello, and sorry for the delay. IRL stuff keeps happening and writing is HARD