In which lessons are learned.
Anonymous was sitting in his run-down apartment gazing intently at the red line prominently displayed in the center of his monitor. His “pro-gamer lite™” chair creaked under him as he willed the red line to go green. Of course, said line had no respect for what wagies want, respecting only the unshakably honest whims of the market (and hedge funds), plummeting off the cliff into the land of ne’er tendie.
“Welp…” Anon was a bit incredulous, surely the line was just joking around and would shoot to the moon any second, after all Lord and Savior Elon Musk tweeted about this coin earlier this very day! He even checked for the verification checkmark! So clearly this had to be some misunderstanding, clearly this line did not get the memo about only going up.
“I should double check that tweet…” Anon murmured to himself, quickly searching through his history tab, scanning past his “dating research” until he found the offending link. Upon opening it he reread the tweet that had set him upon this red lined road.
“Buy DOG’eMONk’e Coin!!! Straight to the MOOOOOOON!!?!?@!?!” Damn that Elon was a master of his craft. Focusing on the prominent blue checkmark proudly displayed next to Elon’s handle “reálElonMusk”.
“Yep everything checks out, how could he have betrayed me like this!” Anon shouted, staring up into the dismal cracking ceiling. “It had been a sure thing! No more wage slave only tendies! I put my life savings ($4200) into it!” He continued to rant and rave tripping over an overfilled garbage can, tissue flying this and that way. Taking a moment to compose himself Anon set to work on his genius backup plan.
‘No more wage slavery for me yoloed my life savings and lost. Pray for me to get my virgins.’ Perfect, this post was sure to get him some major Reddit karma! Anon contemplated his next move as the steady stream of F’s started to fill the comments section of his post.
‘I could always just keep working, maybe I could go back to college and finish that degree. This could be a fresh start, I could work out more, I could build myself up to be the man I always wanted to be!’ Anon was abuzz at the possibilities. Then for a moment he thought better of it, it seemed like an awful lot of work… Kinda pain in the ass really…
“Plan A it is then!” Anon jumped to his feet with a grin, looking over to his escape rope, noose pre-tied for the quickness. He had wanted to use a gun, but as it turns out getting a felony for aggravated public indecency foiled his purchase. Honestly how was he supposed to know the nudist beach had been the next one over!
“Ah well, good ole noosey noose won’t let me down!” Anon chuckled at his ingenious word play, and set about tying his ropey friend to the ceiling fan. Pretty soon he had his makeshift hangman’s gallows ready. Setting his “pro-gamer lite™” chair underneath the swinging loop of hemp rope, he pondered what his last words should be. Settling on a soliloquy on the nature of life and death, and man’s ultimate purpose in the universe.
Nodding to himself Anon stepped up onto his “pro-gamer lite™” chair, the creaking of the wood setting the right tonal balance for such a solemn moment. Looping the noose around his head Anon pondered once again how it came to this, surely, he could have done more with his life *cough* and made his parents proud…
Taking a deep breath Anon began his final words.
“Is it not the nature of man to dream big and risk it all in the pursuit of making it big and driving sick lambos. I might have failed in this dream, but it was not the success that was important but the at-“
*SNAP*
The cheap poorly constructed Ikea chair collapsed. The weight of man’s hubris far too heavy a burden to bear, or maybe Anon should have gone to the gym more often. Either way Anon gasped as his neck was cuddled tightly by Mr. Noose MD. The affection was far too great for Anon’s neck to withstand and his vision began to fade to black, a final thought raced through his mind, and then he was no more.
‘I hope my body doesn’t shit itself.’
With a start Anon shot forward, gasping for breath. Anon shivered as he took huge greedy gulps of air, the phantom pain of Mr. Noose MD still clinging like a warm scratchy hug. Steading his breaths Anon shakily looked around the room he found himself in. Streaks of early morning sunlight poured in from the open window inset within fluffy white walls. Glancing around Anon noticed that the whole room seemed to be constructed of the same fluffy material. If he had to give a guess he’d say it reminded him of clouds.
‘Heaven, nice! I knew all those days helping out at the local animal shelter were worth more than hitting on girls!’ Of course, when he said hitting on girls he meant rejected, but it was the same difference.
Attempting to stand upright two things became quickly apparent. One, Anon was not in his own body anymore, losing his balance immediately falling on his too long face. Second, see first.
‘WHAT THE HELL!’ Anon gazed upon the new form with which he would spend his apparent afterlife in. Baby blue stumps were where his arms should have been, ending in some sort of thingy? (Anon was as good at identifying animal anatomy as he was building furniture) Anon’s whole body was covered in fur and prismatic locks kept blocking his view. Getting to his “feet” he moved in the approximation of what a dying horse would look like stumbling every few feet. The clouds bounced under him as he struggled to the doorway that led to where he had glimpsed the reflection of a mirror.
Settling in front of the mirror he gazed upon his new body with nothing but the most flabbergasted of expressions.
“I’m a winged blue dog thingy!” Anon decried in a rather feminine raspy voice, so unlike his original feminine raspy voice. Immediately Anon knew what he needed to check and gazed at his undercarriage searching desperately for the one thing that matter to a man most. But, alas she could not find the familiar appendage. Anon sobbed for the loss of her one and only romantic friend.
“What kind of place is this!” Her shout was muffled by the uncaring cloud walls.
“Ok what do we know. I was just hanging out, then I woke up here as a blue dog thingy, and apparently, I left my dick behind. I thought dying was supposed to makes things easier not whatever the hell this is.” Anon had been pacing around the cloud bedroom for a while now, a visible rut was beginning to form. “This can’t be heaven obviously, what with the lack of virgins and lambos, so this must be hell. Truly it must!” Anon accentuated this realization by stomping down on the cloud floor, a tiny *flumph* weakly sounding.
“Well if this is hell then clearly, I just need die again. There’s like a double jeopardy clause for this kind of thing right? Honestly, I’m not really sure how this whole dying thing works, but I want a do-over! I ain’t spending my entire afterlife being some sort of dog thingy!”
With her course decided Anon glanced around the room to see if there were any ways quit hell. Aha! She spied a close associate of her good friend Mr. Noose MD, none other than his wife Mrs. Noose MD+! (The author would like to note that while he does approve of consensual monogamous relations between rope, he does not have a plot appropriate excuse for Mrs. Noose MD+’s presence and hopes that this bit of horribly written meta commentary will tide the reader over and prevent comments ((This same author would also like to state that comments and likes are much (((This joke was not funny and so the author wants to apologize for his poor sense of humor))) appreciated)) from pointing out the obvious.) Prancing over to the ropey form of her salvation, Anon set about crafting the second makeshift gallows of the day.
Soon enough she was gazing at the inviting and familiar noose chair set up she had made use of not half an hour earlier. Eager to be done with this whole dog thingy business, Anon hopped up upon the much sturdier cloud chair (and no she was not mad that clouds were structurally more sound then her previous “pro-gamer lite™” chair stop asking!) and looped her head through the waiting arms of Mrs. Noose MD+. Taking a moment Anon readied herself for another soliloquy. Clearing her throat, she began her magnum opus!
“And how can man die better than facing fearful odds, for the ashes of their fathers and the temples of their gods.” Pleased with the well thought out and totally original last words, Anon kicked out the chair from under her.
*SNAP*
Twilight huffed as she touched down at the front door of Rainbow Dash’s house. As much as she loved Dash, she could be really inconsiderate at times. Take now for example, having to interrupt her busy day of reading, and less important stuff, her princess duties, just wake up Dash after she slept in. Applejack had been very insistent that this trip to rodeo had been Dashes idea. Lacking the proper biological structures to make her frustration known, Applejack asked Twilight to go in her stead.
Ringing the doorbell, perhaps a few more than would be considered tactful, Twilight waited with growing frustration. A few minutes and doorbells later, Twilight decided that she had waited long enough. Grabbing the spare key hidden under the cloud rock Dash kept as backup, Twilight unlocked the sturdy cloud door and stepped into her friend’s house.
It was eerily quiet within, a sense of doom lingered in the still air. The sounds from outside seemed to die immediately, as if a tomb was all that awaited her.
“Dash are you here? Applejack is waiting for you…” Twilight was suddenly tense, the atmosphere cloying and sticky. She began to carefully make her way through the silent cloud house, hoof steps muffled by the soft cloud floor.
“Dash this isn’t funny, come out so I can stop worrying and be mad at you!” Twilight whined. Standing before the bedroom door a sense of foreboding apprehension was palpable. Gulping she began to inch the heavy cloud door open. The creak of its nonexistent hinges would have been ominous.
With a gasp Twilight took in the scene before her. Her friend was hanging from a noose motionless, still as death…
…and with an expression that belied a boredom only found by those stuck in place for an extended period of time.
“You know, I’m starting to think this isn’t working…” Rainbow Dash sighed drearily.
That was the day Twilight learned that despite how sturdy pegasi appeared, their bones were indeed quite hollow.
Author's Note
Random story idea that came to mind and wrote in a single night.
