Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!

by Awesomedude17

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Berry Punch, Dark, Human, Romance, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 18547

Nikolai Berlinski and ponies, how can this go wrong? Not because of zombies, ha ha.

Nikolai Berlinski enters Equestria after his ill-fated fight on the Moon. How will he hold up? Maybe well if he supplied with vodka.
Crossover with Call of Duty: Zombies and My Little Pony, enjoy. Rated Teen for Language, crude humor, some sensual scenes and some violent images.

Published 2012-09-23 20:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-27 23:32:00 UTC

The Beginning of...Vodka

Nikolai Berlinski and Equesria, with no zombies?!?!

By Awesomedude17

It was just a normal day for Nikolai Berlinski, Drinking, insulting his nominal friend Takeo, a Japanese warrior as he called himself, praising Tank Dempsey, who never really took his compliments with much gusto, and zombies on the moon...

Okay, maybe this isn't a normal day, well to a normal person at least.

"EAT SHIT AND PUKE!" said Dempsey, still angry about three things, Richtofen tricking him and his friends into switching a little girl's soul with his own, thus taking over the zombies. The fact that the Earth pretty much blew up, and...

"Oh SHIT, no vodka!" screamed a very upset Nikolai.

"Nikolai, enough about the fucking vodka!" Dempsey screamed.

"Dempsey, prease watch your rangauge, Samantha is stirr too young to hear what bad words you'rr say." Said Takeo in a scornful manner.

"Thank you Uncle Takeo." Said Samantha, "I do not like this ugly man body."

"Yeah, Richtofen is an ugly ba... an ugly pig." said Dempsey.

"Anyone have vodka?" said Nikolai.

"No we don't, you sad, sad man. What about ammo?" said Takeo.

"I got plenty of that." It was true, Nikolai had the H115 Ocillator, 150 round in the mag, plus 750 in reserve left Nikolai with 900 rounds total, Nikolai already expended 3 magazines so he had 450 rounds left.

Takeo sighed, "Ret's go to the Tereporter now, I need to upgrade my M14 and my AK-74u."

"Yeah, I want to get the Skullkrusher now." said Dempsey calmly.

"And my Zap Guns too!" said Samantha, holding her Wave Gun with no lack of enthusiasm.

"Okay, but we better stop by liquor store on way there."

And so the the group of four walked in Griffin Station. On the way, they meet up with the jerk-off German, better known as Doctor Edward Richtofen, in the body of Samantha.

"Ah, sO goOd to SEe yOU dUMkOFFs right NoW." Richtofen said in a distorted voice.

"Fuck you." Retorted Dempsey while flipping off Edward.

"Dempsey! Watch yo..."

"It's okay uncle Takeo, I have watched you guys for, mmm... 23 years." interupted Samantha.

"..." No one said a thing about what Sam had seen, or heard, or maybe smelled.

"Alright, we jump in, upgrade our guns, go back, kill zombies and drink. Rinse and repeat until we either die, the zombies are gone, or maybe until we win." Said Nikolai.

Dempsey then added "Or until Treyarch brings in Black Ops II to the mix."

The others were confused and sure Dempsey was insane now.

"INSANE! Listen author, when this fanfiction is done, I'm kicking your ass 6 ways from sunday, all the way to Texas."

Okay Dempsey, sheesh, this story isn't about you anyway.

"Whatever, the reader better enjoy what reading time they get of me or so help me..."

"Umm, Dempsey, I think the zombies are here to kirr us now."

"To the teleporter!" Screamed Nikolai.

The four warriors landed on the teleporter. Nikolai just happened to ready his Q.E.D. device at the same time.

The teleported activated and our main warriors end up back at a Mars-like Area 51, with one minor detail.

"Alright, let's upgrade our guns!"

"HAI!"

"YES!"

"Wait, where's Nikolai?"

Takeo and Samantha looked around, and didn't see Nikolai, and then yelled in joy. The horrible Russian was gone, GONE!

Dempsey, could somewhat believe this, but they lost a vital, if somewhat sluggish, member of their group, and the zombies were everywhere.

"Where the hell did you disappear to, Nikolai?"

Twilight Sparkle and Applejack were just hanging out in Sweet Apple Acres. It was nice afternoon. They had notice Fluttershy and Rarity hang out more, other than their weekly trip to the spa, so they decided they would do the same.

"Boy Twi, Ah sure do enjoy quality time with friends"

"I sure do too, Applejack"

Yep, just a normal day.

CRACK!

"AHHHH!"

"What the hay was that!" asked Applejack.

"I don't know, But it came from over there!"

Nikolai was ready to move and did, until he noticed something.

"Hey, shouldn't Earth be blown up now? And why am I in apple farm? Oh, I need drink."

Nikolai proceeded to take off his P.E.S. helmet and take a bottle of vodka from his bag, and drink it, straight from the bottle.

He must been here a few minutes, because he noticed 2 colorful blurs approching him, completly norma... Blurs! That could mean zombies!

"Hey, colorful zombies, can you leave me alone, I'm trying to drink!" Nikolai said as he brandished his FN FAL, or as he called it, the falafel.

"Zombies? Wait, that thing can talk?"

"Of course I can talk, I am human; armed, drunk human Russian!"

"What's a heyoo-man?" asked the orange blur.

Nikolai saw his vision clear to see two... horses.

Talking horses, seems normal to Nikolai, well normal by my, erm... damn lost my train of thought, thank you vodka. I want more, I want m...

"Erm, you there?" asked the purple horse.

"Da, just drunk. Heh, look at me, talking to colorful fucking horses."

"Hey, watch yer language there pardner, and we're ponies, not horses!" Said the orange hor... err pony.

"Alright already. Sheesh, like third wife"

"What was that?"

"Nothing, so take me to private place to talk, Nikolai, that's me by the way, needs three things."

The two ponies looked at each other, then the orange pony said "Shoot."

"Okay." Nikolai then shot his falafel at a rotten apple on the ground, scaring the ponies.

"Ah didn't say to do that!"

"You said to shoot, so I shot gun, my favorite." Nikolai said patting the gun in his hand, "Ah falafel, you kill so good."

"Ah meant name yer terms." Orange pony's last nerves were being strained.

"Oh, okay, sorry." Nikolai cleared his throat and named his conditions. "One, where am I?"

The purple pony spoke up, obviously fixated on both Nikolai and his gun, "Equestria."

"Two, what government do you follow?"

A strange question "Um, we have a princess, two actually that..."

"Ugh, bourgeois." Nikolai hated royalty, maybe because of his communist ideals.

"Hey, what is your problem with the princess, you don't even..."

"I just don't like royalty, or capitalism."

The purple pony sputtered, then just gave a sigh of annoyance.

"Oh, and three..."

The orange pony spoke up "Yes?"

"Is there liqour store near here?"

More Mares, More Hell, More Vodka

Nikolai Berlinski and Equesria, with no zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

The group of three agreed to go over to the library. After short introductions about each other and a reassurance of a popular bar in a secluded part of ponyville, the three set off.

"So, Applejack."

"Yes Nikolai?"

"What is with butt mark on your, erm, butt?"

"Beg Pardon? Oh, yah mean mah cutie mark."

"Cutie Mark?" Nikolai was now trying to not laugh, "Sounds, pft, girly." Then Nikolai procceed to laugh a few seconds before letting out a massive belch and re-tasting his vodka.

Twilight looked offended, "Hey, our cutie marks shows what our special talents are."

"Oh, yeah. Ass tattoos show that you all are special." Nikolai laughed some more before he stopped suddenly. This worried Applejack.

"Nikolai, you okay?"

"Oh shit. Nausea." Nikolai procceded to run behind a tree and vomit. Twilight then looked at Applejack.

"Applejack, while I am excited a new, previously unknown species is standing right here, I can't help but feel that he is a bit..."

"Annoying." Applejack offered.

"No, well yes, ahhh, let's just make sure he doesn't make any trouble, okay."

"Fine, but let's get the others."

"Good idea, I just wonder what Rarity and Fluttershy are doing now?"

"Ah have noticed that they've been actin' awfully suspicious lately."

"Please Applejack, what could they be doing that would seem suspicious?"

"Just a hunch." Nikolai came back as soon as Applejack finish her sentence.

"You mares ready, because my stomach is hurting from vomiting." Twilight looked at Nikolai.

"Oh, sure Nikolai."

When Nikolai entered Ponyville, the ponies screamed 'monster!' and 'run away!'. Nikolai decided to dick around a little bit.

"Guess I am big scary monster, ha ha." Nikolai then realized that he was still wearing his P.E.S., "Umm, Where is libra... omp!" Nikolai was suddenly tackled by something.

"What are you? Why are you here? Stay away from my friends!"

"Rainbow Dash, git off of Nikolai right now."

"What, why?" Twilight approached the pegasus.

"He's harmless, he just lost and, umm heh heh." Twilight did not like the fact that Nikolai is drunk, a lot.

Rainbow got off cautiously, and Nikolai stood up, looking angry.

"Let me tell you something,"

Oh Celestia, this 'Nikolai' is going to kill me.

"You hurt me and act brashly,"

Okay Rainbow Dash, prepare to retaliate.

"And so, I find you much like my best friend in world, TANK DEMPSEY!" Nikolai laughed roaringly, leaving three confused mares, and an amused Russian. Twilight soon recovered.

"Wait, so you're not going to kill Rainbow?"

"Of course not, she has the same attitude, badassery, maybe not same gender, and possibly sexual orientation."

"Wait, are you calling me a fillyfooler?" Rainbow was now angry.

"I don't know, I'm drunk."

"Oh." Drunks are stupid, so I can forgive him, for now.

A gasp soon came out of the open prompting the four to look at the source.

"OhmygoshitsanewponyonlyitnotaponybutsomemonkeythingIgottoplanapartylater!" But before she could leave, she was telekeneticly caught by Twilight.

"Pinkie, This is Nikolai, and he is going to talk to us, Fluttershy, and Rarity, so please, hold off the party."

"Okie Dokie Lokie."

"She is hyper, like second wife." Twilight then turned to Nikolai.

"You were married?"

"Da, and 7 time widower, third and seventh wife were divorced though, something about affairs or something."

All the mares except Pinkie were shocked, how was he not sad, and did he just admit that he had not one, but two affairs?

"I am going to pretend that you didn't say that." Twilight said. They then moved to the library, but they took a little detour to check something.

"Rarity! Yer there? Come on out" Applejack bellowed. The boutique soon had some cluttering sounds, as if something had gone off in there. Rarity and Fluttershy then came out the door.

"Applejack, what do you... you..." Rarity then noticed the horrible creature standing next to them. "AAAAAHHHH!!!"

"AAH, fucking noise!"

"Oh, your clothes are absolutely horrible, oh come in, you..."

"Hey wait, let go of me, you bitch!" Rarity gasped at what she just heard.

"How dare you call me that.. that horrible name!"

"You fucking remind me of fourth wife, she had bad fucking taste in perfume like you, and she had exact same voice!"

"Wha... I... GRRRR!" Rarity was now resolving to really hurt this, thing. She didn't care if it was uncouth of her, he just insulted her perfume, called her a bitch and refused to let her change his clothes to something more fashionable.

"Alright, alright you two, stop it!" Twilight screamed, "Look, let's just go to the library and discuss about Nikolai there."

The two looked at each other with obvious anger, then nodded. Fighting wasn't going to solve my problem with him anyway.

"Flutters, what were you doing with Rarity?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Oh, um, just hanging out with her..." Fluttershy looked at Nikolai and eeped as she hid behind her pink flowing mane.

"Hey girls? Nikolai just remembered something"

"What?" They all unison-ed except Fluttershy, who was still scared of the Russian.

"This suit is tight-fitting and is starting to bunch up my balls."

The group of seven then left after Nikolai took off his now useless P.E.S., which Twilight took out of curiosity, and soon reached the library and went inside, unaware of the hell the mares just got themselves into.

"Okay Nikolai, I going to ask you some questions, and I want you answer them. Understand?" Twilight said as she got parchment and a quill, with spares.

"Sure, go ahead, just so long as I go to bar soon for vodka."

The 6 mares gathered around the library while Nikolai sat down at one of the seats.

"Okay, question one: What species are you?"

"I am human. Armed, drunk human from the Soviet Union." Rainbow perked up at the word armed.

"Armed!"

"Da, this gun I have."

"Which leads to question 2: What is a gun?"

"Gun is, uhhh, hold on," Nikolai took out his FN FAL out, and presented it to the mares, "this is gun. It shoots bullets at speeds that, I don't really know science behind guns, just that they hurt people. This gun I call falafel." Rainbow then looked at Nikolai.

"You named your weapon, after bean paste..."

"Well it is better then FN FAL right, get it, FN like uh, fuck." Nikolai then saw the mares confused looks, "You know what, fuck you, you are not funny."

"Right, next question, what is your job back home?" Twilight asked

"I have none."

"What?"

"Yeah, zombies makes job hunt harder and why are you looking at me like that, it's fucking creepy... like fifth wife."

"Did you just say zombies, but... but they don't exist!" Twilight was now really sacred. Nikolai was in a zombie apocalypse, HOW THE BUCK DID HE LIVE SO LONG, HOW IS HE NOT INFECTED!?

"Da, I was, and I'm pretty sure this is alternate universe, I mean, if it wasn't, Earth should have been blown up now." All the mares went wide-eyed and screamed,

"WHAT!"

"Ahh, fuck, loud noises"

"You blew up a planet!" Twilight was now genuinely fearful for her life, she had just brought a murderer, an annihilator, a man who committed genocide to not just zombies, but whatever life was left on his planet, to her own house.

"Yeah and I did it with three others from the Moon."

"You were on the Moon?!" Rainbow Dash was ready to attack this man, but she always wondered what it would be like on the Moon, rather than in it.

"Oh yeah, it's so bouncy and fun!" Pinkie Pie beamed up.

"Oh, oh, I wanna go, I wanna go!"

"Wait, how are you not freaking out that you are possibly in an alternate universe?" Twilight was now starting to freak out.

"I do not care, just so long as there is vodka." That reminded him of something, Nikolai was starting to sober up.

"Girls, let's... let's take a break, I have had enough of this." Twilight got more than she bargained for.

"Alright, I will check gear for vodka and... whatever." Nikolai look at what he had. He had an FN FAL with 13 rounds in the mag and 54 spares. The H115 Oscillator had a full 150 magazine and 300 rounds in spare. He also had a sparsely use Porter's X2 Ray Gun with a full 40 shot battery and 160 shots as spares. Nikolai only had one Semtex grenade left and a Bowie Knife.

Yep, Nikolai will need these, now for real treasure, let's see, ah Ah AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

"I am out of vodka, take me to bar now!"

"Wha..." Twilight never finished her word when Nikolai pulled out the knife, causing Twilight to panic.

"NOW!"

A Little Vodka Makes Secrets Go... Poof!

Nikolai Berlinski and Equesria, with no zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

After Nikolai nearly killed the six mares over vodka, they decided to go over to the 'Hard 'n Tipsy', a bar that is owned and run by Berry Punch. Rarity and Fluttershy told the group that they weren't joining them, the former because she doesn't like Nikolai, the latter because she has had bad experiences with alcohol. The group say their goodbyes or in the case of Nikolai to Rarity, a prompt middle finger to her, which did nothing because ponies had no hands, or fingers, and left her confused, yet sure he was insulting her somehow. The group of 5 entered the bar and are welcomed by the smell of booze and bad smells from the stallions. Nikolai proceeded to a stool after given 25 bits from Twilight for spending. Berry Punch then trotted to Nikolai and asked:

"Welcome sir, what can I get you?"

"Vodka, lots and lots of vodka."

The request was vague, but she assumed he was trying to get drunk, she hated ponies like these. She wasn't much of a drinker, more like a server. She nonetheless grabbed her bar favorite and a shot glass and gave it to the human.

"Enjoy."

"Thank you." Nikolai poured himself a shot and drank it down. He soon widened his eyes.

Such purity, such flavor from pure water and alcohol, I must have MORE!

Nikolai then began to drink the shots slower to enjoy the flavor more, which surprised Berry Punch.

Wow, this guy must have been living on the cheap stuff, I'm afraid to tell him that the price is... I'll let him figure it out later. Berry gave a smug grin and went to another guest who just ordered an Manehattan.

"Girls," Twilight started off, "For once, I hope I don't learn everything about him."

"C'mon Twilight, It's not like he doing anything wrong by drinking, right?"

"Rainbow, he blew up a planet, an ENTIRE PLANET!"

"Yeah he did," Applejack said "but did ya ask why?"

"Huh?"

"Ah mean, he may be dang bit annoying, but is he really that dangerous. He mentioned three others, he probably didn't even mean tah do it. Those guys might have been the true culprits. Twi, this guy may be an alcoholic, but when ya been fightin' monsters all the dang time in the world, ah probably be drinkin' too. Maybe insane or both."

Twilight tried to retort, but Applejack made a valid argument, so she sighed in defeat, "Okay, you maybe right Applejack, but he's still dangerous."

"But I don't want him to go away, I haven't even thrown him a party yet."

"Trust me Pinkie, when he relinquishes his weapons, he'll just be another drunk out in the open."

The other three mares nodded and tapped their glasses of hard cider.

"To friendship!"

"You know what, you are both eagle and lion at same time, what the fuck."

Nikolai then got punched in the face from a tourist gryphon who had heard of the bar from his 'friend', knocking out the drunk.

"Excuse me," Berry walked over to see the two, the gryphon then said "this thing was constantly annoying me."

"I'm on it." But before Berry could do anything the man stood up, and snored. The four mares who barely drank little more than a drink or two trotted over and looked at the human. Applejack decided to speak up.

"Nikolai."

Nothing.

"Nikolai!"

Still nothing.

"NIKOLAI!!!"

Nikolai just moved towards the bar exit, snoring and mumbling as he went drunkenly. Twilight couldn't believe it.

"Nikolai is sleepwalking while drunk. Oh, this is a one in a million problem."

Rainbow knew one thing, drunks tend to cause chaos and pain wherever they go, good thing it was nighttime, the foals did not really have to see him now, especially the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Let's follow him."

"Wait!"

The four mares turned to Berry Punch.

"He hasn't paid for his drinks yet."

"Oh, sorry, how much?" Twilight was sure it wasn't going to be mu...

"That'll be 42 bits, please."

Twilight gave a shocked look, then an angry one. Nikolai is going to pay for this.

Nikolai was just drunkenly walking and walking. No more fighting means Nikolai could take naps more often. Nikolai had a special talent of being able to sleepwalk when he was drunk. This is how he managed to avoid zombies when out of ammo, especially at that abandoned cinema in Germany. He then walked, or to be more accurate, stumbled to Carousel Boutique, unaware that something was going on in there.

The four mares split up and agreed to meet up at the library. The four came together to discuss what they found.

"Applejack."

"Nu uh."

"Rainbow."

"Sorry Twi."

"Pinkie!"

"I saw him going to Rarity's. He must be going to apologize for his rude behavior earlier."

"Pinkie, sleepwalkers cannot apologize. Quickly, Rarity might be in danger now." Pinkie is oblivious to the fact both of them hate each other now too, and I don't think the drunk can really be a good pon... person if he was... well, drunk.

And then the four mares ran over to Carousel Boutique.

They reached Rarity's home shortly after and noticed the door was open. Rainbow was now fearful of Rarity's life.

"Oh no, let's go."

Nikolai couldn't understand what was going on but he was near something that would be ammo for Nikolai's gun of insults to Rarity. Some sounds were being heard and the sleepy Russian walked up the stairs, narrowly missing Opalescence's tail by mere inches. Nikolai was by the bedroom door and just stood there.

The four mares quietly moved through the house. After about 5 minutes, they thought he might be upstairs, so they quietly moved up the stairs, trying to avoid Opal. They did want to go get Nikolai unharmed.

"Ah found him, on three."

They positioned themselves.

"One."

Nikolai mumbled something about how a 'Takeo' sucks balls.

"Two."

The mares were ready to pounce.

"Three!"

They then tackle him through the door, waking him up.

"Ah, what the... Where the hell am I?"

Nopony answered that question, for they were shocked by something else.

Fluttershy and Rarity, in the same bed, embracing each other. And they also had shocked looks.

Nikolai took one long look and finally said, "Heh, lesbian ponies, who would have thought?"

Vodka and Wild Manners

Nikolai Berlinski and Equesria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

"Umm, girls, we can explain."

"What is there to explain? You and butter pony, or whatever her name is, is in same bed as you. Wait, did I drunk sleepwalk again? I swore I was getting punched by Eagle-Lion thing." Nikolai needed a drink now, but Nikolai had an idea. I am going to taunt the sh...

"Rarity, how long have you and Fluttershy been... together?" Twilight had to know, she just had to.

"Oh, dear." Rarity took a big gulp and finally said, "4 months now, in secret." Rainbow had just recovered from the shock.

"How, I mean, Fluttershy I knew was a fillyfooler since near the end of flight school, but you."

Twilight soon spoke up, "Wait, you knew? How?"

"Well, she kinda told me a while back, but I'm into stallions, not mares."

"I would have thought that you would swing both ways." Nikolai was being quiet for no reason and wanted to take advantage of the moment, his worst enemy in this colorful world was gay. My worst enemy in this colorful world is gay, awesome.

"You know, you're a real jerk sometimes."

"And fancy pony that reminds me of fourth wife is gay, what is your excuse?"

"Umm... girls..."

"You want a fight?"

"I'm drunk, of course I want to fight... I think."

"Girls."

"Let's do it."

"DA. Let us fight for... wait, why are we fighting, I forget."

"GIRLS!"

The 6 others turned to Fluttershy, "Please, can't we discuss this without violence... eep!" Fluttershy hid behind Rarity at the sight of the Russian Soviet. Rarity thought it was cute, maybe that's why she would want be with her, even if it means the rest of her life.

"Okie Dokie Lokie, to the living room." Pinkie was ecstatic, two of her best friends were dating, that called for a party.

"Okay, but I must take big Russian bear shit now, where is bathroom?"

Rarity looked at disgust at the Russian and then said, "Down the hall, second door to the right."

"Thank you."

"Hmmm... toilet is small, like second wife's tits"

Nikolai looks at the small, pony-sized toilet and shrugged. He took off his pants and sat down and let nature do the rest.

"Oh, shit! Shitting in small toilet is uncomforte... uncomfit... uncomfyta... not good feeling."

When Nikolai was done he sat up and flushed the toilet. He then was putting up his pants and felt... water?

"Oh crap, I clogged toilet. Oh think Nikolai, think. Okay I got it."

Nikolai grabbed a plunger and started plunging the clog, with little success.

"Oh, uh, ohhh." The toilet started shaking violently. Shit.

The 6 mares were waiting for Nikolai, despite Rarity's attempt to start without him. Rainbow was starting to get bored.

"How long do it take to go to the bathroo..."

BLAM!

Rarity did not want to know what that was, but she had to. She walked to the bathroom and saw what had happened.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

The other 5 mares ran over and saw the mess. Twilight was just as flabbergasted as Rarity.

"How does someone blow up a toilet when using it?"

"I don't know, I know that I clogged it and tried to fix it by using plunger."

"I... I can't even..."

Twilight looked to Rarity, and notice something she wished she could make go away.

"Untie me, BITCH!"

"No! You insult my perfume, call me that horrible name and ruined my bathroom. I shall not untie you until this meeting is over."

"FUCK YOU!" was all Nikolai could scream before he was gagged with a cloth.

"Now then, about Fluttershy and I."

"Yeah, Ah suspected somethin' was up when ya two started to hang out more."

"Well Applejack, I will tell you the story about how we fell in love."

Ugg, I am going to have hell from story, and I can't make it fun. Fancy pony is going to be dead like eighth wife. I guess it was accident cut down tree fell on her.

"Okay, Fluttershy, come here."

"Oh yes, sure." Fluttershy flew to Rarity and kissed her on the cheek.

"Okay, it started 4 months ago."

-4 months ago-

Rarity had just finished a high profile dress, the last high profile dress on her list, and now had free time.

"Hmm, I wonder how..." Rarity had just realized what day it was and saw the time.

"Oh my goodness, I'm almost late for my weekly spa visit with Fluttershy."

And so Rarity rushed over to the spa to meet up with Fluttershy. She arrived there, just on time.

"Ah, Fluttershy, darling, I almost missed our spa appointment didn't I."

"Oh no, you're just on time Rarity" Oh how I enjoy our times here, almost a much as I enjoy you, Rarity.

"Right, the usual please." Aloe nodded and proceeded, with her sister, Lotus, to give Rarity and Fluttershy their usual spa treatments.

During the mud bath, Rarity decided to ask Fluttershy something, "Fluttershy, do you have a special somepony?"

Fluttershy hesitated, but answered nonetheless, "Oh, um, no."

"What! Well that won't do at all, Fluttershy come to my house and we'll discuss finding this special somepony of yours, alright?"

"Oh sure." I already found her anyway, I just need to tell you. Oh why must I be so nervous towards her, she's my best friend.

"Great!" They just finished their day at the spa and Rarity had paid for everything. They then left. "So, meet me in the afternoon to discuss finding the stallion of your dreams."

But, you're not a stallion Rarity. "Oh, okay. See you later Rarity."

"See you later."

And then the went their separate ways, unaware that that night, something would happen that would change everything.

Oh, God. That was horrible, it was so mushy. I want to go home, if I had one.

Twilight was really into this story, "Huh, so Fluttershy was the one who told you?"

"Well, I guess it was safe to assume that she told me. But I must tell the rest first, alright?"

The other mares agreed, but Nikolai continued to shake his head no. Oh God, NO, WHY? WHY ME?

Fluttershy had reached Carousel Boutique, and was ready to enter. This may be the only chance you'll get tell Rarity, Fluttershy. Don't blow it. Fluttershy reached out and knocked on the door. A few minutes later, Rarity came out.

"Oh, Fluttershy, come in, come in."

"Sure."

Fluttershy trotted in and made herself at home.

"Do you want some tea Fluttershy, Darling?"

"Oh yes, please." Darling, she makes it seem special when she says it to me.

Rarity went into the kitchen to make some tea. She came out a few minute later with some tea in two cups.

"There you go Fluttershy."

"Thank you."

They just sipped their tea for a few minute before Rarity spoke up.

"So Fluttershy, are you ready to talk about your special somepony?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"Excellent. Now, first off, is there any pony that catches your eye?"

That's a cue, if any. "Yes."

"O really, who is he, is he from Ponyville?"

"Well actually, the pony is not a he... eep." Fluttershy covered her mouth after saying that, as if it was a deep secret. It's not even that secret, Rainbow knows after... well, that day.

"Really, I didn't know you were a fillyfooler Fluttershy."

"Well, I just... eee." Oh no. What if Rarity isn't a fillyfooler like I am, what if... what if...

"Fluttershy..."

"Oh, yes Rarity."

"Is 'she' from Ponyville?"

Fluttershy hesitated a little, but answered, "Yes."

"Hmmm, tell me, who is she so we can go to her and you can tell her."

"Umm... well... I..."

"Fluttershy, there is nothing to worry about, I once heard that sometimes in life, you got to say, 'What the heck!', and go for it."

What the heck and... That's it. Fluttershy turned to her friend and looked her in the eyes.

"Umm, Fluttershy, darling, are you al... MMPH!" Fluttershy had just given Rarity a deep, passionate kiss. Rarity didn't know why, but... but it felt so good to her and she kissed back.

It must have been quite a while because when they parted their mouths, they were panting. Rarity finally spoke up after a while.

"Fluttershy! I... I had no idea. I..."

"Rarity, I loved you for quite a while, I want you to be my special somepony. Will you?"

Rarity thought about it, she did love the kiss, and she never would have guessed that she herself was a fillyfooler.

Oh, what the hay. "Yes Fluttershy, I love you too."

Fluttershy gave squee of joy and hugged her new marefriend.

I love you Rarity, I want be with you forever.

Is it over? Is the horrible, mushy love story over? Oh good, that was fucking horrible. Nikolai did not like the story, maybe because romance was not Nikolai's thing.

As for the mares, they just looked at Fluttershy, not believing that she did something so brash. That's Rainbow Dash's style.

"So, that's how we fell in love."

"Wow, Rarity. This is unexpected." Twilight said.

"Well, it would have a secret longer if Nikolai hadn't barged in like that."

Nikolai angrily gave muffled yells. Twilight deadpanned.

"Somepony untie him."

"All right Twi." Applejack said before moving to untie Nikolai.

Once the gag was removed, Nikolai began his defense. "I was sleepwalking." Rarity looked skeptical.

"Sleepwalking?"

"Yes, I can sleepwalk only when I am drunk." Twilight seemed interested

"Really? Rarity, what he said seems to be true. We saw him sleepwalk out of the bar."

"Did he pass out drunk?"

"Neit, lion-eagle, thingy punched me out cold."

"You mean a gryphon?"

"Whatever, I need drink."

"Oh, no you don't." Twilight said taking the bag of bits Nikolai had, "Your drinking cost me 42 bits, you now owe me 17 bits, so you going to have to help me at the library to pay it off."

"That doesn't seem bad."

"I have a strict no food or drink policy, and it applying to your vodka too."

Nikolai eyes widened, he dropped to the floor and gave a dramatic bellowing position while screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

Everypony just looked at Nikolai, Applejack finally said,

"Quit bein' a baby. Yer stayin' with me tonight."

Nikolai brightened up and said "Okay, let me drink first though."

Vodka and a New Angry Gunner

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomeman17

Nikolai walked back to Sweet Apple Acres with Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Rainbow kinda liked Nikolai so she went along.

"So tell me Nikki..."

"I hate that nickname, call me Nikolai, Rainbow." Almost reminded me of Takeo.

"Alright, Nikolai. So, tell me, what makes you think I'm like this 'Dempsey'."

"You have same attitude, I think you would be great friends... if you like to kill zombies."

"By the way, how did zombies appear in ya world?" Applejack asked.

"Something about an element called 115 or something."

"115?"

"Yeah, it also powers this thingy." Nikolai took out his upgraded Ray Gun and presented it. Rainbow looked skeptical.

"That thing? That looks like a toy for a little filly."

"No. Look at rock over there and keep looking until I shoot Ray Gun thingy." The mares complied, obviously expecting less.

Nikolai took aim, which was hard because he was drunk, and fired.

Completely missing and hitting a tree behind the rock. The mares were surprised.

"Woah!"

"Did I hit rock?"

"Nah, ya missed. But ya hit a tree behind it and... wow!"

"I did not see tree, but it worked!" Nikolai now had 39 in the gun with 160 spare shots, but he was never good at math.

"That was so awesome!"

"Hell yeah, that was awesome! I am wondering what Tank is doing." Rainbow giggled a little. "What? What is funny?"

"Your friend shares the same name as my tortuous."

"Huh, weird."

Meanwhile, in Griffin Station

Dempsey perked up slightly and Takeo noticed.

"What is wrong, Dempsey?

"I feel like someone made fun of my name."

"That doesn't make sense. Earth is annihirated."

"Whatever, we need to get Nikolai back."

"Oh no Dempsey, for first time in ages, Takeo is happy."

"Whatever, I going to try to get to him, he still owes me a drink." Actually, Dempsey genuinely cared for Nikolai, but he didn't want to show it.

"Fine, I saw the drunk use a Q.E.D. device before he disappeared."

Dempsey sighed and took out his only Q.E.D., "The only chance I got, and it may not even take me to him." Dempsey was not liking this one bit, "You know what, sometimes in life you got to say 'What the hell!' and go for it."

"Fine, we're going back anyway, Samantha wants to upgrade her SPAS-12."

The three went to the teleporter and Dempsey activated his Q.E.D.

Here goes nothing.

A flash happened and the three disappeared.

The drunk and earth pony reached the barn, Rainbow left as soon as they reached it. They were looking at a stack of hay.

"This is where ya will be sleeping, Ah'm sorry if it's uncomfortable."

"It is alright, I've had worse."

"Ah bet."

"Good night Applejack, you remind me of communist ideals."

"Come again?"

"You make me feel equal, exactly as communism should be."

"Oh, all right. Night Nikolai!"

"Good night."

Applejack went to the house while Nikolai layed on the haystack.

This is good, but work is going to be shit.

And like that, Nikolai was asleep.

CRACK!

"Sister, what was that?"

"I don't know, stay here Luna."

Luna nodded as Celestia trotted over to the source of the noise and saw something strange. It was a bipedal creature, had a blond, short-cut mane, had a strange suit on along with a stranger helmet in its left hoof, and it its right, a highly ornate object. The hoofs had digits like claws, except stubbier. It looked at Celestia and talked.

"What the fuck."

-The next morning-

Nikolai was waking up with a familiar feeling in his head.

"Ugg, hangover is really bad."

Nikolai didn't need to hear loud noises, even when he was drunk, he had sensitive hearing. He reached out to grab a bottle from his satchel but then stopped.

Twilight would probably take vodka if I show up to work drunk, shit.

Nikolai reluctantly took his satchel and took it with him, thinking Applejack would hide it for him.

He was at the home when he saw something familiar.

"Applejack. How are you."

"Ah'm good, you?"

"I have hangover."

"Ah know, been there, done that. Heh heh."

Nikolai presented his satchel to the farm pony, "Yeah, hide this for me."

"Why?" Applejack asked as she took the satchel.

"Twilight wants me to work, I have to be..." Nikolai gulped and then said, "sober."

"Ah get it, when ya come back for lunch, ya'll have the best food ever."

"Better be like first wife's cooking, I loved it."

"We're gonna have breakfast, yer hungry?"

"Like a bear before winter."

Nikolai went in house and saw three ponies, a small yellow filly, a big red stallion, and an elderly green mare.

"Nikolai, Ah'd like you to meet the Apple family. This here is mah sister, Apple Bloom."

"Hi."

Nikolai cringed inward, the voice was painful, but he had been through it before.

"Hello comrade Apple Bloom, I am Nikolai."

"This here is mah brother, Big Macintosh."

"Eeyup."

"Not a talkative type, are you?"

"Nope."

"And this here is Granny Smith."

Granny just snored, obviously asleep.

"She is asleep."

"Ah know that Nikolai. Let's eat."

"Okay, let me guess what is for breakfast."

The three siblings looked at him.

"Apple goods."

Yep, he's gonna be trouble.

"How the hell did that scroll appear?"

"Well Dempsey, in this world magic exists, and we ponies have control over it."

"Right, so who's it from?"

"My faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

"You're a teacher? Never would have guessed royalty would be teaching shit."

"Please watch your language while you are here." Celestia opened the scroll and read it. Her look became amused.

"What, what is it?"

"Well, there is another human in Ponyville..."

"Ponyville, really?"

"Yes, Really. Anyways, we are going over after I write a response."

"Whatever." Dempsey then looked at you, the reader and scoffed at the fact that you are a brony.

"Dammit author, why did this happen?"

Because I thought of it Dempsey, I gave you more time in this fanfiction so enjoy it.

"Fine, asshole."

"Who are you talking to?"

"None of your business."

Celestia deadpanned, but was relieved that somepony would not see her status as a reason to treat her any different. She sent the letter and was ready to leave.

"All right, let's go."

"Finally. Your sister needs to quiet down and learn the modern English language, Christ!"

"Here, it is Equestrian..."

"Whatever, let's go."

Trouble... and Not From Vodka

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

Dempsey and Celestia were literally right next to the carriage to Ponyville when Dempsey stopped all of a sudden.

"What is it Dempsey?"

"I just feel like something is going to happen, and knowing the author and title of this chapter, something will go wrong."

"Author? Chapter?"

Then all of a sudden Dempsey shot a random guard in the face...

"Why did you..."

Only to reveal it as a changeling.

"Changelings!" Celestia was now less focused on getting to her student, and more focused on getting rid of the changelings that surrounded her and the human.

"Oh oh, this is going to be a good time!" Dempsey's Skullkrusher was readied up, 29 + 270 rounds plus 9 M203 Grenades, as well as a fully loaded R115 Resonator and a brimmed up AUG-5om3 would make Dempsey have the time of his life. "This more than others because what I'm killing isn't zombies for once."

"Zombies?!" Celestia was ready to fight with Dempsey, unaware that Canterlot was going to drown in changeling blood.

"Welcome to work Nikolai, I see you decided to show up sober. Good."

"Yeah, yeah. Sooner I pay off debt, sooner I drink."

"Fine, today you'll learn how to arrange the books, so follow me."

"Fine, I'll go... you are like bitch sister."

"What?"

"Nothing, let us work so I can get drunk later." Then Nikolai noticed Spike. "What is that?"

"Oh, that's Spike. He's a baby dragon."

"I'm not a baby, Twilight."

"Holy... that thing can talk?"

"Uh, yeah I can talk, what are you?"

I need drink badly... and why do I feel like someone I know is near? "I am human. My name is Nikolai and I owe debt to purple unicorn." Twilight glared at Nikolai, obviously not wanting to be referred as what she is.

"Debt?"

"Oh nothing, Spike. You are going to teach Nikolai the basics of working here. He isn't going to be working here for long." Especially since the salary is 2 bits an hour.

"Oh, how long?" Nikolai had to know.

"If you work here for a whole day, the debt is gone. Okay?"

"Now that is work I can go with!" Vodka, here I come!

"Oh, that reminds me. Spike send this letter to Princess Celestia, will you." Twilight handed Spike a scroll containing the details of Nikolai, minus the trouble he's caused.

"Sure, Twilight." Spike breathed magic fire onto the scroll and sent the letter, but Nikolai didn't know that.

"Why the hell did you burn letter?" Spike was surprised, but Twilight stepped up.

"Spike's fire is magical, so the letter will be sent to the princess, no matter where she is."

"Ah, okay."

Spike then belched out a scroll and Twilight opened it and read it. Her eyes suddenly widened.

"What, what is with open eyes?"

"There is another human with the princess right now."

"Really, I wonder if it is woman?" Or is it Dempsey? If it is, we are drinking.

"Who cares? We have to prepare. Nikolai take a bath."

"Why?"

"Because you smell, badly."

Nikolai sighed, "Fine, I'll take bath."

"You still smell after 4 baths and a delousing!"

"It is not fault that zombies make chance of shower slim."

"Well you could have at least have watched your hygiene."

"Well... okay maybe that is good point."

Spike then ran in holding a scroll, "Twilight! Twilight!"

"Yes Spike?"

"Read this."

Twilight did so and widened her eyes.

"What is it now?"

"Changelings, we have to get to Canterlot now."

"The two of us?"

"No, we have to get the others too."

"Even fancy pony?"

"Yes, even Rarity." Spike got a lovesick look on his face at the mention of Rarity.

"UGG, I hate her."

Spike then glared at Nikolai, "What!"

"Guys, this is not the time, Nikolai, get Applejack. Spike, get Rarity and Fluttershy."

"DA!"

"Right!"

And the three went their separate ways to get the rest of the Elements of Harmony.

"Applejack!"

"Nikolai? Yer here early."

"It is emergency, something about changings or something, I need to get vodka."

"Changelings! Wait, Why do you need..."

"Vodka makes fighting easier for me."

Applejack was confused, but changelings in Canterlot! She obliged and got the vodka while Nikolai got his guns.

"Rarity! Rarity!"

The door opened to see Rarity and Fluttershy.

"What is it Spike?"

"Changelings in Canterlot! Hurry!"

"OH, Okay! Wait, is Nikolai coming?"

"Seems like it."

Rarity groaned in annoyance, but reassured Spike she was coming along anyway. When he was gone, Fluttershy went to her secret lover.

"Rarity, when do you think we should tell him about... us?"

Rarity thought for a moment and said, "When we are ready darling. I'm still not comfortable telling Sweetie Belle about..."

"Don't worry, when we are ready, we will tell them."

Rarity looked at Fluttershy and smiled. Very well then. "We must get to Canterlot then."

"Okay, a carriage is coming to rush us over to Canterlot right about... NOW!"

The group of 7 looked at a carriage come out of the skies. Nikolai seemed a little shaky though.

"Nikolai, ya okay?"

"Niet, I am not okay. Russians do not like flying."

The Mane 6 were now stuck, that is until...

"Twilight, get the rope."

"Rarity? Wh..." Twilight then realized that a tied up Nikolai, while angry, would be able to travel with them.

They all looked at Nikolai, and Twilight got the rope.

"Oh... shit."

Dempsey was killing changelings left and right, up and down, front to back. Celestia was saved a few times by the American marine, but Dempsey was not liking his chances.

"Where the hell is your champions?"

"They are coming, I sent them a letter when we got the chance!"

"I FUCKING HATE THE AUTHOR!"

I hate you too Tank. But don't worry. The cavalry is coming!

"Great, so I'm stuck here fighting bug-things with a pony with horns and wings."

"Who are you talking to Dempsey?"

"None of your business, Princess Ass-kicker!"

Celestia was really stressed out, but at least Dempsey seemed to know what he was doing...

"No dice cupcake! I don't swing that way." Dempsey said as he knifed a changeling that just hurt him.

...even if he enjoyed this a little too much.

Nikolai was unconscious after hitting his head on the roof of the carriage a little too hard while panicking. He had a dream about being in a forest with vodka rivers while unconscious.

"This is heaven..."

-Meanwhile in the real world-

"Umm, is he okay?"

"Ah hope so, Fluttershy. Ah hope so." Applejack was however more worried about Canterlot. They were about 10 minutes away.

"Ah also hope we're not too late."

We're here. Where is Vodka?

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomeman17

The 6 mares and the knocked out drunk were approaching the city of Canterlot and noticed a distinct wave of black around it.

"How did they even break into Canterlot? My brother is..." Twilight realized that her brother was... "on his honeymoon, oh no."

"Don't worry Twi, we whupped those changeling flanks and we can do it again!" Rainbow said.

"Rainbow's super, duper, luper right! We can do it!" Pinkie Pie said.

Nikolai snorted and started to wake up. "Huh, where am I? Why am I..." Nikolai then realized what was happening, "LET ME DOWN! LET ME DOWN!"

"Nikolai, calm down."

"NO APPLEJACK, I WON'T FALL DOWN!"

"Ah said 'calm down', not 'fall down'."

Nikolai then gave the girliest screech he could muster, harming both the mares and the chariot drivers.

"We're falling down!"

Fluttershy then looked at Twilight, "Panic?"

"Panic!"

And then they all yelled as they fell into town square.

"What is with wrong with that chariot?" Dempsey asked, pointing at the accused chariot.

Celestia looked at what Dempsey was pointing and on her face was a panicked look. "Oh no, move move move!"

"Ah Shit!"

The chariot crashed into a large hoard of changelings, but the pullers seemed alright. From the wreckage came a familiar purple unicorn.

"Twilight!"

"Princess Celestia!" The two ponies hugged each other, they were so worried about each other.

"What the fuck is... AHH FUCK, STUPID BUG-ASS MOTHERFUCKER!!!" Dempsey knifed the offending changeling in the skull before looking at the two ponies. "What?"

"Princess, who is that?"

At that point, an untied Nikolai, along with the other bearers of the Elements of Harmony climbed out of the wreckage. Nikolai was really pissed off and was ready to yell at Rarity for no reason when...

"Nikolai?"

"Dempsey? Oh, hell yes, it's you! We've got drinking to do..."

"Yeah, yeah that's fine, now let's kick bug ass and get this story over with now."

"Da Tank, let's."

Rainbow flew over to the two men, when she recovered from the shock.

"Do you know this guy Nikolai?"

"Da, this is Tank Dempsey."

"Oh, this is the Dempsey you mentioned."

"And you are?" Dempsey was now confused.

"I'm Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in all of Equestria!"

"Right, and I'm... I'm..." A huge force of changelings were rushing in at Dempsey right at that moment. "Shit."

Dempsey readied his M203 and fired in the center of the hoard, exploding them into bits and pieces.

"Fuck, yeah."

The Mane 6 were shocked, but Celestia was already used to it, and Nikolai,

"That was excellent kill Dempsey, I must share vodka with you later... maybe not."

"This way!" Celestia needed to move towards the castle for defense. The others answer without question.

THUMP!

"There are thousands of creepy bug people... but not as creepy as third wife."

"Huh, oh, you must be the human that was in Ponyville. I am Princess Celestia, and..."

"I do not give shit." Celestia was now offended that he would just talk to her like that, Dempsey at least was kind enough to make sure he behaved. "Tank, are the barricades done?"

"Yep Nikolai, these things are pretty stupid so we got time for introductions."

The group of 9 gathered around in a circle. Dempsey introduced himself first.

"The name's Tank Dempsey, U.S. Marine and general bad-ass."

Twilight had a theory "Let me guess, you were one of the guys who blew up a planet." Celestia was confused, but intrigued.

"How did you... Nikolai."

"Yes Dempsey."

"What made you think it was a good idea to say we blew up a planet, 'our planet'."

"Well, I was drunk."

"Right. You're a dumbass Nikolai."

Rarity decided to join in, "Tell me about it."

"Rarity..." Fluttershy had a hoof put over her mouth, Rarity seemed to like this man.

"Yeah, what he do to you?"

"He insulted my perfume, called me uncouth names and blew up my toilet."

Dempsey was confused, "How the hell does someone blow up a toilet?"

"I clogged it with my shit and tried to plunge it! Is that so bad?"

"Nikolai, I just about had it with this place."

"Yeah, the author should be ashamed of himself for making Nikolai do all those things!"

Dempsey looked at Pinkie and smiled, "Yeah he should, should he?" The two then looked... at... me.

Oh crap.

"Do a time skip author, or we will give you hell."

"Yeah, what he said!"

Fine...

-5 hours later-

Everypony was confused except Dempsey and Pinkie. Everypony was also covered in changeling blood. All the changelings were either dead or captured. Celestia was the one who spoke up.

"What just... never mind, let's just be glad it's over."

"Yeah, let's." Twilight was the most confused but let Pinkie Pie be Pinkie Pie, and Tank be Tank apparently.

"Alrighty now, we should go to bar to celebrate."

"Nikolai, you are already drunk."

"Anyways, let's just get cleaned up, and talk about what we need to do now." Celestia needed a shower badly.

"Yeah, I came to get fat-ass here, so now I can leave with him."

"You came here for me? Oh Dempsey, I kn..."

"You owe me 3 drinks, one for that time at Shangri-La, the other two for putting me in this mess."

The mares were confused, but it was obvious Dempsey came here for his own personal gain.

"Fine, let us get washed up."

"Yeah, time to end this chapter."

"What Cha..."

-Chapter End-

Vodka vs. Beer

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

It took an hour to clean up all the dead bodies, but luckily the only casualties were from the changelings and a few guards who managed to get only minor injuries. Dempsey was watching Canterlot come back to life.

"Well, well, well. Looks like we are heroes now. Heh, wish treyarch and the Player could see me now." Celestia looked at the marine.

"I just about given up on figuring out your way of viewing the world 6 hours ago, but I'm famished. Let's go have some lunch after I address the citizens that everything is okay."

"Yeah, alright. I'm just glad there is someone who can talk to the author besides me."

"I'm guessing Pinkie Pie."

"Yep."

Celestia chuckled, and then went over to the podium to address the citizens of Canterlot. The mane 6 along with Nikolai and Dempsey were standing near backstage.

"Citizens of Canterlot! You have nothing to worry about anymore, all the changelings are gone!"

"Yeah, because we killed them all... much like how I killed fourth wife." Nikolai wasn't too trusting of royalty, but after he heard that Celestia raised and lowered the Sun, he was more willing to be respectful, but not by much.

"Please move on to your regular lives, and make sure to thank both the royal guard and our temporary guests! Come on out Tank Dempsey and Nikolai Berlinski!"

"That's our cue Nikolai, try not to be an asshole."

"Okay, but after this, I must, and will drink."

The two humans came onstage and bowed for the crowd. Dempsey walked up to the podium while Nikolai looked for someone to pester offstage.

"Yeah, I'm Dempsey. I'm not one for speeches but I'll say this. If I wasn't here, your princess would have been captured for food. So give a big cheer for me because I'm a hero!" The crowd did cheer, but he felt that they didn't like Dempsey's arrogance. Maybe it'll get me some booze. Hopefully a good beer.

"Nikolai."

"Yes, Dempsey."

"Let's get out of here."

"Da! I do not like attention... or homosexual touching." The two walked off into the backstage.

"Is that why you mulched that zombie?"

"Niet, he made me drop vodka bottle. Speaking of which... oh come on... OUCH!" Nikolai tried to reaching into his bag, only to cut his hand with broken glass, a lot of broken glass.

"OH NO! MY VODKA!"

Rarity was annoyed now, "Oh for goodness sake, Nikolai!"

"Shut up Rarity, you mmph!" Dempsey had put his hand over Nikolai's mouth.

"Nikolai, don't... fuck... this... up. Got it!" Dempsey removed his hand.

"Fine Tank, let's find bar."

"Oh, no. We are going back to Ponyville with Dempsey." Twilight had already had a bad morning, she didn't want a worse afternoon.

"Do I have to come?"

"Nikolai is your friend."

Dempsey sighed, "Fine, I'm coming. How are we going back?"

"We'll take the train. Nikolai is apparently afraid of heights."

"When is it leaving?"

"In 30 minutes, just enough time to walk over there and get our tickets." The princess had overheard that last part.

"Twilight, if you are going to Ponyville by train, at least take this to pay for it." She gave Twilight a bag full of bits for tickets, and some food when they get back. "It's my thanks for coming here to help."

Twilight was now glad she came when she could, "Oh sure princess. I'll be sure to write back about Nikolai and Dempsey."

"Please do. I'll be looking into interdimensional teleportation spells for the humans." Dempsey felt like he should talk.

"Alright, Nikolai and me have some unfinished business back home to get to, ASAP."

"Very well. Behave yourself Dempsey, and make sure Nikolai doesn't terrorizes my loyal subjects. Especially Rarity and Fluttershy." She gave a wink, which made Twilight suspicious.

"Princess, why them specifically?"

"Let's just say, I can't let their 'friendship' get strained because of a drunk."

Twilight was confused, until she put two and two together and widened her eyes. Dempsey noticed that surprise more because of their larger eyes.

"What, what am I missing?"

Twilight responded in a panicked tone, "Oh nothing. Get the others, we're leaving now."

"Umm, okay..." What's her problem?

Dempsey was walking over to get the others when he saw something he shouldn't have from Rarity and Fluttershy.

Holy shit, they're lesbians!

"Oh, first Nikolai and our friends, and now him!"

The group of 8 were now on the train in 4 separate rooms. Fluttershy and Rarity got the first room, Twilight and Applejack the second, Pinkie and Rainbow in the third, and Nikolai and Dempsey in the last one.

"Don't worry Rarity, at least they can keep a secret somehow."

"Our friends can Pinkie Promise, but Nikolai..."

"Will obey if he is given 'treats'." Fluttershy had knew Nikolai enough to know that he'll do anything for a drink of vodka.

"Are you sure?"

Fluttershy kissed her lover gently on the lips and said, "Of course, he is like an animal, and animals are my special talent."

Rarity was not completely convinced, but she had nothing to lose. "Alright, but you have to give him the drinks, and I'll supply."

"Ohh... Okay."

The two mares cuddled each other, they knew this relationship couldn't stay secret for long anymore.

"Alright Applejack, today we saw that Dempsey can talk to something that isn't there more often than Pinkie Pie."

"And that he is more than shocked at the fact that Rarity and Fluttershy are together, what else is there Twi?"

"Well, maybe after lunch, we can talk to him about the more explicit details about him and Nikolai's... adventures."

"Alright, but Ah'm mighty skeptical that this will end well."

"Me too."

The two mares tapped their hoofs together and were ready to reach Ponyville.

"...and I saw them kissing, I saw them French kissing Nikolai. If they were human, that'd be hot, but they are ponies and..."

"And I hate the fancy unicorn, what else is news?"

Dempsey was, for once, not comfortable with lesbians, especially lesbian ponies.

"Whatever, I need mind bleach."

"Cheer up, at least there is no law that lesbians can marry or have children here... Right?"

"Yeah, I guess that's right."

"Actually, the only marriages not allowed here in Equestria are incest and forced marriages."

The two looked over to whoever was at the door, Rainbow Dash, having a smug look on here face and observing her hoof, "And another thing, I expect a wedding in 2 years, 3 years tops between those two." She looked at the two and had mild amusement at their looks. That broke them for sure.

She flew off to her room to take a nap while the two humans looked at each other. They unison-ed, "Well... shit."

"Last stop! Ponyville!"

The group of 8 got off the train and went to a diner, Nikolai was sobering up and needed a drink, but God decided that he should suffer. And by God, I meant me.

"Wow author, you are a dick."

Shut up Dempsey or I'll have the lesbian ponies kiss in front of you.

"Alright, geez."

The group sat down a table and soon a waiter came to them.

"Would you mares and gentlecolts like anything?"

"Sure, our menus." Twilight said.

"You got meat?" Dempsey hadn't had a steak in years.

"Sorry sir, there is no meat here."

"Damn, then a salad, but no flowers." At least, I think they eat flowers.

"Right away sir. And you?"

"Vodka."

"Sorry sir, we do not have alcoholic beverages."

"Damn, then what he's having."

"And the mares?"

"Just the menus, we'll need to decide."

"Very well then, I'll be back with your menus and salads."

Lunch was short and sweet, but the humans went straight to Twilight's for a few questions.

"We were tricked, guns run on gunpowder, zombies were created by radiation and that suit over there helps us survive in space. Happy?" Dempsey was annoyed at the questions, but it was more bearable than zombies, for now.

"Hmm, yep. I'm happy with the answers, even if they are a little vague." I can also figure out the rest by observation. But what kind of radiation can cause zombies?

"Right, I need a beer."

"And I need vodka."

Twilight handed each of them 25 bits. "Here, you two. Go over your spending limit and you have to work for me, again."

"Again? Wow Nikolai, you must have gotten dead drunk."

"I guess. I just want to get drunk again now."

"Let's go to the bar! And author, please don't cut off thi..."

"-AAALLLLLLLEEEE!!!" A very muscular man came though the ceiling, scaring everyone in the room. On his back was a ninja clad in gold.

"What the fuck!"

"Hmm, this is 'a' Ponyville, but not the right dimension, come along Skeletor, we need to go find the respawn."

"Right!"

The man readied himself.

"SAXTON HAAAAAAAALLllll-" And jumped through the ceiling, creating a second hole.

"Wait, what... how did that hap..."

-Chapter End-

What the... did I Get Drunk on Vodka?

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomeman17

Dempsey and Nikolai had seen three cases so far of interdimensional travel from guys who shouldn't have done it tonight. Once from a stupidly muscular man in Twilight's library. A second one from an African-American who claims that 'Old Spice Body Spray makes you smell like... POWER!!!', and finally...

"Thank you, Dempsey, for getting rid of that Dalek."

"Whatever. Hey, I never got your name."

"Ah yes, I am the Doctor."

"Doctor Who?"

"Exactly, goodbye." The man went into his phone-booth and faded out of existence while making a whirring noise.

"How come others are coming and going as they please?"

"I don't know Dempsey, lets just get drunk."

"Whatev..."Dempsey then realized something, "AW FUCK! We could have gone with that bow-tie man back home."

"Really? Ugg, I need drink now. Hey, there is bar." Indeed, the bar Nikolai was last night.

"Great, let's go in."

The two entered the bar, and Berry recognized Nikolai immediately.

"Hey, aren't you that guy who was knocked out by that gryphon?"

Dempsey turned to his partner and said, "Really Nikolai, what did you say to it?"

"That it was both lion and eagle and 'what the fuck'."

Dempsey face-palmed, Dammit Nikolai. Why did you have to be so stupid?

The two sat down on stools, then Dempsey said "Give me a beer, nice, cold and frothy."

"Coming up!"

Nikolai wanted something too, "Bring some vodka too. Not too cheap, not too expensive." Or else Twilight would make me work again. Wait I didn't work, the bug things made me fight instead. Heh...

"Okay then..." Berry was thinking about this man, This guy must have learned his lesson. Good on him.

"So Nikolai, what things did you do while you were here?"

"Okay; I appeared in apple farm, met Applejack and Twilight, when to the town, got tackled by Rainbow Dash, met Rarity and called her bitch, went to library to answer questions, came here last night, got drunk, got punched, sleepwalked..."

"Sleepwalking?"

"Remember abandoned cinema we fought in, movie was shit, no?"

"You sleepwalked there? I didn't even notice."

"Your drinks, sirs." They are having an interesting conversation. Better listen in.

"Thank you."

"Yeah, Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Nikolai didn't hesitate to drink a shot, then two, then three. Now he was drunk again. "So, where was I? Oh yeah, I sleepwalk to fancy pony's house and... find out secret."

"I know what you are talking about man, really."

Secret? Better really listen in, gossip can bring in a lot of costumers.

"Then I blew up fancy pony's toilet, and got tied up to listen to shit story."

"What story?"

"Oh no. I am not reminding myself of story, you ask Rarity."

Rarity?

"Fine."

"Then Twilight tell's me I have debt and that I can't drink in morning."

"Woah, I'm surprised she isn't hurt. Or worse."

"Yeah, me too. Then I walk back to farm, and on way, I show Applejack and Rainbow what Ray can do."

"The Ray Gun. Really?"

"Da, I blew up tree."

A tree, I bet that 'Ray Gun' is a massive weapon that...

"Yep, I used this Ray Gun." Nikolai said holding the Porter's X2 Ray Gun in his left hand.

...you got to be kidding me. That thing is what blew up a...

"POOOOOOOWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

The two humans and mare bartender said simultaneously, "What the..."

"OLD SPICE BODY SPRAY CAN SELL ITSELF IN ALTERNATE DIMENSIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!" The black man then yelled into a random stallion and somehow dressed him as a pharaoh. "BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE... POOOOWWWWWWWWWWEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!"

"Wow, I feel more..."

"POTATO CHIP!"

The stallion then turned into a vending machine, which the black man proceeded to punch and get a bag of chips. He opened the bag and ate one chip, then shrugged.

"What... just... happened?" Dempsey was fucking confused.

"POOOOWWWEEEeeee-" was all he said as he flew out somehow.

"Let's pay the tab and get out of here. Out of here." Dempsey needed to rest his brain now.

"Fine, that'll be 31 bits please." Berry wanted to know more, but the secret involved Rarity, so that's something.

The two men split the check and left, Dempsey for Rarity, Nikolai for Sweet Apple Acres.

Rarity wanted to be with Fluttershy, but the secret was getting hot, they would have to keep low for a while.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

"Coming~."

She opened the door to reveal Dempsey.

"Oh Tank, come in."

"Yeah, I'm crashing tonight. Hope you don't mind."

"Not at all. After all, you're not Nikolai."

"Yeah, did he really blow up..."

"Yes, It's going to cost me 75 bits to replace it. I may be generous, but even generosity has its limits, and Nikolai is on the verge of not getting anything from me."

"Yeah, he's a fucking moron."

"Please don't use that language. Please."

"Fine, maybe you'll tell about... you and... her."

Rarity looked around and said, "Upstairs, in my room."

"Right."

And the two went upstairs, Rarity then told Dempsey how she fell in love with Fluttershy, and how Nikolai found out.

"That stupid drunk. At least he didn't taunt you."

"It felt like he wanted to, but was interrupted too much to do so."

"Right, so I bet you're wondering how I got here?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"Fine," Dempsey sat down on the bed, "Here's what happened when I came here."

-Last Night-

Dempsey appeared in a hallway that he didn't recognize. He then took off his P.E.S. Helmet. This better be where Nikolai went. He still owes me.

He turned around and saw a horse with wings, a horn and jewelry on it.

"What the fuck."

"Who are you?" asked the horse.

"The name's Tank Dempsey. Where am I?"

"In Equestria. I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of this land along with my sister."

"Okay, you seen a drunk around here? About ye high, same kind as me." Dempsey put his hand to about how high Nikolai was.

"No, I haven't."

"Great, that stupid device took me to the wrong place."

"Device?"

"Nevermind, I'm going to kill the author."

Well Dempsey, I thought you would want to do something other than fight zombies.

"Yeah I do."

"Who are you talking to?"

"SISTER! WHAT ART THOU DOING WITH THY CREATURE!"

"AH, FUCK!" Dempsey covered his ears, Screechbags are here? No, it spoke, in an outdated way of speaking.

"Luna, this creature means no harm, it is merely looking for its companion."

"I'm a he! And you..." Dempsey pointed at Luna, "Quiet down, you nearly made my eardrums bled."

"Oh, we... I mean, I'm sorry, I am just not used to speaking in modern..."

"Not used to, why the hell not?"

"I was corrupted once and then sent to the moon for a thousand years by my sister."

Dempsey looked at Celestia, whom looked solemnly sad. This princess sent her sister to the moon, FOR 1000 YEARS!!!

"I call bullshit! There is no way you could have survived long without Oxygen, food and water."

"WE HAVE WAYS!"

"Dammit, shut up!"

"Do not speak to my sister like that!" Celestia was ready to defend her sister now.

"Shut up you, you better have a way to take me back home or so help me..."

"I may have a way to take you back Dempsey, but you'll have to wait a few days."

"Fine, I need a vacation anyways."

"So that is what happened for the first few hours. You want more?"

"No, that's enough." Rarity yawned rather tiredly, "I need to sleep. Goodnight Dempsey."

"Yeah, goodnight Rarity." Dempsey proceeded to go to the couch downstairs to sleep. His last thought before going to sleep was this...

I'm going to be back Richtofen, and this time, no mercy.

Night in the Vodka Farm... Wait, it's not Vodka Farm?

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

Nikolai was drunk, Nikolai was happy. But if there is one thing he is most happy about, it is that Fluttershy said he could have not one, not two, but eight bottles of vodka. The catch is that he would keep her 'relationship' a secret. He didn't like Rarity, actually, he hated her more than Takeo, but he somewhat liked the pegasus, so he let it be. He soon reached his makeshift bed and laid down.

"Ahhh, this is life. Eight bottles vodka, Dempsey here to fight and no fucking zombies. Things are looking up for Nikolai."

"They sure are."

Nikolai sat up to see Applejack, with one difference.

"Hey, where is your hat?"

"Oh, it's in mah room. It may be the only thing that mah father left me, but it is in the end, it is just a hat."

"Wait... what..."

"That is something you don't want to know." Applejack had gotten over it many years ago already.

"Fine enough for me. You'll never guess what happened on way here!"

"What?"

"Butter pony, or whatever her name is..."

"Fluttershy."

"Right... she gave me eight bottles vodka, but I have to be quiet about her... preference."

Applejack knew what he meant, but much of Ponyville knew Fluttershy was a fillyfooler. "Ya may want to choose ya words better. Most of Ponyville already knows that Fluttershy... swings the way she does."

"I still do not care. Frankly, as long as I got vodka and a place away from Rarity, I am happy."

"Right..."

The two were silent, but Nikolai had a sudden, random, yet an unlikely thought, Does she find Nikolai sexy? I don't think it is good idea. Well, not to ponies anyway.

"I am going to sleep now."

"Ya better have some water." Applejack was indeed carrying a bucket of water. "It helps with hangovers. Ah should know."

"Alright, better not ruin my buzz." Nikolai drank as much as he could, then suddenly realized something, "This did ruin my buzz! FUCK!" Nikolai threw the bucket on the ground and fell back. "Go away, now."

"Ah... Ah'm..."

"NOW!"

Applejack took a step back. She decided that this problem will be over soon.

Ah horseapples, why is Nikolai so dang interesting. Ah'm not attracted to him, but he is so... interesting.

And so Applejack went to her home. Saturday was tomorrow.

That meant school would be out and Apple Bloom would be with her friends.

(A/N For effect, pace your reading so that the intro of song works with cave scene, main stream of music is the chaos and outro is with the dream ending.)

Dempsey was dreaming an unusual dream. It involved flying in the sky in a chariot and appearing near a cave. He tried to comment, but he just couldn't. He also had no control over his body. He walked over to the entrance and said,

"So this is the cave from my dream, I'd probably think it's weird that I'm saying this in my dream. No, I did think it was weird. The music was fitting though as it worked its magic." Oh yeah, this music. Why this author?

What, I like deadmau5.

What's a dead mouse?

Dream Dempsey turned to the chariot "Thanks for the ride Celestia!"

"You are welcome, Tank." Celestia then flew away.

"Alright, what's inside this dream cave." Dempsey walked in and then... whiteness. Dempsey could finally speak.

"What was that supposed to be?" The dream then became chaotic, colors moving in a random manner and strange, illogical things were going on in the background. The word deadmau5 then appeared in front of Tank's face.

"Dead... mau... 5?"

It's pronounced deadmouse.

"Whatever..."

Then a creepy laugh echoed.

"Who's there?"

"Well, if you must know..." A creature that looked like a mess of animals appeared in front of Dempsey, "I am Discord, and I am going to help you get home."

"Why should I get help from a person who's mother looked like she whored herself?"

Discord deadpanned, then snapped his fingers, somehow zipping up Dempsey's mouth.

"Don't try to struggle, This will help you escape, but don't mention that I was in this dream, or else Celestia won't help."

Wait, what? Why not?

"Goodbye, human. I hope you give Richtofen hell..."

Dempsey's eyes widened, How'd he know Richtofen?

Discord laughed as he faded from existence and the chaos ends.

Dempsey woke up to the smell of eggs cooking. His stomach growled from need and want.

"Damn, I'm really hungry. I wonder how Tak and Sam are doing?"

Dempsey got up and walked into the kitchen and saw Rarity place a couple plates, both with eggs and toast. Rarity then noticed the American.

"Ahh, Dempsey. Sit down and have some breakfast."

"Sure, I had a strange dream last night."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it involved a cave."

Rarity pondered about this 'cave' and said, "Talk to Twilight about it."

"Yeah, sure. Great eggs, by the way."

"Thank you. But they aren't that special."

"Well when you've been where I've been, this is an amazing change of pace."

"Nikolai did mention zombies. How did you manage to go on it that nightmarish world?"

"By killing every last one of them."

"Oh..."

"I noticed you hate Nikolai... a lot."

Rarity became interested, "Yes, he is an incompetent buffoon."

"Well, I know a way for you to get back at him for the hell he has given to you already."

Rarity was not one for payback, but... "I'm listening."

"Besides heights, he is afraid of one other thing."

"Oh. Hangover is not as bad as last night. Applejack is right."

Nikolai stood up and was ready to greet the day, that is until...

*Howling noises*

"Oh no..."

What did you Expect in this Chapter Name, Vodka?

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

"AHH! Monkey! MOOOONKEEEEY!!!"

Nikolai was trying to get the monkey off of him. He hated monkeys so much.

He ran around and hit his head, hard.

"Oooo... ahhhh... oooo..." Nikolai collapsed on the ground while the monkey ran away...

To its owner, Fluttershy and Dempsey.

"I'm glad you let me do that, Fluttershy. Rarity would be so pleased."

"I'm, uh, still not very sure that this was, um, necessary."

"The drunk did call your lover a bitch, blew up her toilet and generally gave her hell."

"Oh, okay. I'm just glad Bo Bo-bo is alright, he was always fragile."

"Yep, I'll tell what happened to Rarity. That was awesome!"

"Yeah, totally." The two looked to the sky to see Rainbow Dash. "That was an awesome prank you guys. But I never expected you to be a part in that, Fluttershy."

"Oh, well, Dempsey did most of the work... I just told Bo Bo-bo to listen to Dempsey."

"Well, I think you would want to help Pinkie and me prank all of Ponyville. Do you?"

Dempsey thought about it, he then said, "Hell yeah, I want to pull pranks. I'll just ask one thing."

"What?"

"Who're the targets?"

Nikolai was in a boat, floating in a sea of vodka.

"Oh, I take back what I said last time I was knocked out, THIS IS HEAVEN! FUCKING HEAVEN!"

He then proceeded to slurp the clear liquid from the sea.

-In the real world-

"Nikolai! Ah heard..." Applejack then noticed the unconscious drunk, "NIKOLAI!"

-In the dream-

"Huh, someone call me?"

Nikolai looked around, and shrugged. He then drank more of the vodka sea.

"Ha ha, guys. Just be glad this wasn't a dangerous prank." Twilight was covered from head to hoof in soot from a magical explosion. The three prankers were laughing their a...

"Author! This isn't the time."

Fine Pinkie. At least Dempsey didn't say anything yet.

"So, who is your next target?"

"I've been thinking..." Rainbow Dash then noticed Applejack pull Nikolai in a cart, in the general direction to the hospital.

"Nevermind."

"Hey author. Are you going to..."

Yep Dempsey, my author powers activated to play this suddenly with no one understanding why.

"You dick."

"What's happening?"

"Nevermind that Twilight, let's just be... professional griefers."

"HAHA!" Pinkie understood what Dempsey meant.

A long pause later, "Alright, just don't hurt anypony."

The mares saluted and unison-ed, "Right."

"Ohh, where am I?"

"Yer in the hospital, and now, yer truly clean."

"Huh, how." Nurse Redheart came in as she heard the question.

"The head trauma wasn't that bad, but we found many other problems."

"Like what? What could I have that would be problem?"

The nurse took out a list and was ready to speak, "Just a few problems."

"Oh..."

"Ahem, number one..."

"I'm just glad it was disappearing ink that you smeared on my dresses. Seriously Dempsey, aren't you a little old to be acting like a childish foal?"

"I needed stress relief, and the alternative would have stained your couch."

Rarity didn't want to know what he meant. "Just leave, I'll have to dry out these dresses now."

The three prankers saluted and left the Boutique. While outside, Dempsey realized something.

"You girls go on without me. I just realized I have a errand to run." Maybe after I visit the cave, I'll ask about Discord.

"Alrighty tighty, Dempsey. Let's go Dashy!" The two mares went off, while Dempsey went to Twilight's library.

"...and finally, we found that you have a large amount of alcohol in your system, but I bet you knew that last part."

"Yeah, I did." Nikolai looked over to Applejack, who was shocked at how sick Nikolai was, literally. "So, did you cure me?"

"Of all diseases. Next time, use a condom."

"Soviet Union doesn't have too many of those." Redheart took out a wrapped condom.

"Just, take one and use it next time. Please."

"Fine... not like I'll use it for sex anyway."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Let's get out of hospital." Nikolai sniffed himself and noticed how good smelling he was now.

"Be grateful, it took the washer and a Heavy-duty Oxygen tank just to dilute the smell."

"Wow, no wonder dreamscape have whirlpool."

The drunk and Applejack went to the desk and checked out, and Nikolai felt... full of energy.

"Yer okay, Nikolai?"

"Better, I feel as young as child again! Let us go get that monkey."

"Monkey?"

Nikolai ran off, he still had all the Perk-a-Colas in his system, so Stamin-Up was still making Nikolai faster. But this energy from good health made it three times as effective now.

"Nikolai, wait!"

"...and that's when the dream ended."

"Hmm, the cave you described, I think I have... Ah ha!"

Dempsey looked at the title of the book, Mysterious Landmarks. by Starswirl the Bearded.

"Let's see here... here it is." Dempsey looked at the page Twilight was on and read the name of the landmark.

"The Cave of Vagueness, What the hell is that supposed to be?"

"According to this book, the Cave of Vagueness is a cave that gives a slight answer to big questions."

"Oh wow, it's a computer in stone." Dempsey replied in sarcastic tone.

"Dempsey, only the Princess knows where it is. I'll send a letter immediately."

"Do so. I don't want to wait." Dempsey browsed the selection of books until he came to a specific one.

"The Reign of Discord?"

"Oh, Him. He in stone now." Twilight was halfway done with writing the letter now.

"What, really? How?"

"The Elements of Harmony!"

"What's..." Twilight handed him an recently updated version of the book The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide, having little time to explain.

"Okay, I'll just read."

"You don't seem..."

"While I love to kick zombie ass, reading has always been one of my favorite activities before fighting."

Twilight seemed skeptical, but glad someone had a sense of love for books. "Spike, send this letter to the Princess."

"Okay." Spike sent the letter, Dempsey assumed that it was being taken by bird. He never really checked, he was reading up on... how... the... 6...

"YOU USED THESE THINGS!"

"Umm, yes. But I'll tell you, we don't like to be seen as celebrities."

Dempsey had his eyes narrowed, but he shrugged it off. "Fine."

Spike belched up a letter, which Twilight promptly took and read. Dempsey looked confused.

"How did... nevermind. What does it say?"

"Well Tank, looks like you're going to be with royalty for a few hours."

Road Trip, Pack the Vodka

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombie?!?!
By Awesomedude17

Dempsey was sure that Celestia was going to take him to the Cave of Vagueness, "Hmm, I bet the princess will take me straight there."

"Actually, no."

"What?"

"The princess wrote that you must meet with some of her advisory members first before going there."

"I thought this was a monarchy."

"A limited monarchy, one that the princess signed into 500 years ago."

"Does Luna know?"

"Yes, but her reaction was... not very positive."

"I guess..."

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

Twilight went over to the door. "Coming!"

When she opened it... "Princess!" Twilight bowed, while Celestia chuckled.

"Rise my faithful student, I'm just here to pick up Dempsey."

"Here I am. Where to?"

"Canterlot."

Nikolai was running around when he saw three fillies looking thoughtful. He decided to see what the were thinking of, after a swig from his vodka of course.

"Apple Bloom, that is not a good idea for a cutie mark."

"Well who knows, Scootaloo? We could be musical geniuses, and not know it."

"Well I say we look for that thing that has been in Ponyville for a few days. My sister didn't seem to like it."

"How would Rarity know?"

Nikolai went to the table and said, "You know, I really don't like Rarity, she is annoying."

The three startled fillies looked at Nikolai and noted how... ugly he was. But he smelled good too.

"Hey, Nikolai. What are ya doin' here?"

"Oh you know, trying to find a monkey and kill it for attacking me this morning."

"Wait, you don't like my sister?"

"And you are?"

"I'm Sweetie Belle, and you must have been the monster who blew up her toilet."

"I didn't mean it, I had to... use bathroom for... when nature called." I hate being near children, makes Nikolai repress regular way of speaking, and drinking.

"Uh, huh."

"I tried to fix it! You know what, never mind, I'm leaving. Goodbye!" And Nikolai ran off. Scootaloo wanted to know what was so important to him.

"What was that all about?"

"Oh, girls. Ya seen Nikolai?"

"Yeah sis, he went that-a-way." Apple Bloom said pointing towards where Nikolai ran off to.

"Thanks Apple Bloom, he's faster than he looks. WHOO!" And then Applejack ran after him. Apple Bloom just stared at the running mare.

"Well that was interesting."

"Yep."

"Yeah."

"Wait!" Apple Bloom had an idea. Her friends looked at her. She then whispered into their ears, which made them smile, then nod.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MARATHONERS!!!"

"So, any questions, Dempsey?" Asked the member of the advisory.

"Just one, Can I bring a gun?"

The members discussed among themselves and finally decided, "One gun only."

"Thanks, I guess." The Skullkrusher is almost dry and the Resonator is too heavy for my time, that means my AUG-5om3 is coming along.

Dempsey left the court and was met by the princess.

"What did they say?"

"That I can bring a gun, and that I'm green-lit to go."

"Excellent, we leave in 1 hour."

"Just drop me off."

"What, why?"

"My dream must be exact if I want to move on in this story."

Celestia still was confused about Dempsey's 'talent', but she let it slide.

"Very well, we'll instead leave in 15 minutes."

"That's all I need." Dempsey said while checking his bags for his AUG-5om3.

"Ahh, found it."

"You ready?"

"Yes. Let's go." Happy Discord?

Very...

Holy shit! You can read my mind?

Yes, trust Celestia and trust me. The cave will tell the vague truth.

Alright, but stay out when I tell you to.

Ugg, you're no fun. You are just, pathetic.

That's what she said.

HAHAHAHAAAA! Oh I misjudged you human, three more chapters. Three more.

Right.

And so, the two went off to the Cave of Vagueness.

Nikolai was at Carousel Boutique and ready to kick in the door, in fact, he did.

"Rarity!"

"AHH! Nikolai, what are 'you' doing here?"

"You sent fucking monkey to kill me!"

"I did no such thing."

"I learned few things about cutie marks while here, your lesbian lover had butterflies on flank. You could have told her to sic the monkey at me!"

"I'll have you know, Fluttershy would never do such a thing. But is there somepony else capable of that."

"Oh yeah, that is good thing. Then who?"

"I don't know, Dempsey maybe." I'd hate to shift the blame to him but he did have the idea, and sic the monkey on him.

"A likely story, I'll drink first then go to where Fluttershy is... is..." Nikolai was below a falling piano. "OH SHIT!"

Nikolai rolled away from the crash zone, narrowly missing the piano crash.

"What the hell was that?"

"Oh no, we almost dropped that piano on top of that monkey man."

"Well Ditsy, I can say it was my fault, sorry." Heavy Lift was the one carrying the piano, even though a boss should be the example of a company.

"Well you almost squashed me! Get away from me!"

"We're sorry sir, we just need time to clean up."

"Good, because I am leaving."

"NIkolai! There you are!"

"Applejack?" Nikolai turned to see a running Applejack.

"How come... yer... so fast?" Applejack managed to say in between breaths.

"I... don't know. But do you know where Fluttershy lives?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I think I know where monkey came from."

"There you go Angel, be sure to eat slowly, or you'll get a tummy-ache."

Angel merely rolled his eyes, and began to dig into his carrot quickly.

"Oh dear."

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Huh, who could that be?"

Fluttershy opened the door to see Applejack and Ni...ko...lai!

"EEP!" Fluttershy slammed the door shut. "I'm sorry Nikolai! Dempsey came here wanting to borrow Bo Bo-bo and..."

"Wait, Dempsey?" Fancy Pony was right, I own her an apology, but I'm not giving it to her.

The door opened slightly to reveal Fluttershy. She walked out slightly and looked at the Russian. "Umm, Nikolai?"

"Applejack, we are going to see Dempsey now."

"You know where he is?"

"We'll check library."

Dempsey and Celestia were flying through the skies.

"We're almost there."

"Alright."

They landed and Dempsey jumped off.

"So this is the cave from my dream, I'd probably think it's weird that I'm saying this in my dream. No, I did think it was weird. The music was fitting though as it worked its magic."

Dempsey turned to the chariot "Thanks for the ride Celestia!"

"You are welcome, Tank." Celestia then flew away.

"Alright, what's inside this dream cave." Dempsey walked in and was consumed by darkness.

Revenge of Vodka: the Prequel

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomeman17

"Twilight!" Nikolai screamed as he knocked on the door repeatedly. Applejack could not believe this man. The door slowly opened to reveal Twilight.

"Nikolai, what are..."

"Where is Dempsey?"

"He went to Canterlot with Princess Celestia."

"Canterlot! I was just there yesterday. FUCK!"

"Why do you..."

"I just need to talk to him."

"Well, he might not be there anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because he said he had a mission to get to now."

"Ugg, fine. I'll just pester Rarity for moment."

Oh, remind her about Tom.

"Who said that?"

"Nikolai?"

Only you can hear me. Just let Dempsey do his job and...

DISCORD!

Oh no...

I don't know why you are communicating with the humans, but you and I are going to have a talk.

Fine, but let Nikolai join in Tia.

Very well then. Nikolai, prepare yourself.

"What the hell is..." Nikolai disappeared in a flash, surprising the mares.

"Where's Nikolai go?" Applejack was worried for Nikolai.

"Maybe the princess summoned him?" Twilight said in an attempt to calm Applejack down.

"Ah... Ah guess so."

"... on he... WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? WHERE AM I? I need a drink."

"Nikolai, I summoned you here."

"Why? So you can tell me I can't drink?"

"No, come on out, Discord."

"But of course." The draconequus walked from the podium he was on. He was set free, but in a room in the castle that made Discord powerless. "After all, he is a very chaotic being."

"Whoa, your mother must have been busy before you were... were..." Nikolai then belched.

"You smell nicer." Celestia was surprised at that fact.

"Hospital washing machine and Oxygen tank do wonders when used more than once."

"I afraid I don't follow." Discord was just watching Dempsey until he reached the cave.

"It was fucking monkey's fault. Eww, they have really creepy eyes and are so annoying."

"Really?" Discord wanted to summon a monkey to freak out this human.

"Enough!" Celestia needed answers. "Discord, why have you been guiding Dempsey to the Cave of Vagueness?"

"Why Tia, that is a good question. And my answer, I am not really a bad guy, more like an anti-hero."

"What is difference?" Nikolai asked.

"An anti-hero does what he wants, whenever he wants. And I want to help the humans go home. You see, chaos is wonderful, but even more so when I do it, not others."

"So you are doing this for your own personal gain?" said Celestia.

"Yes and no. Yes as in I could win an ally, and no as in that sometimes, I want to be the hero, the good guy, the one who..."

"The douchebag who brags." Nikolai wanted to be a dick right now for no reason.

"You want to learn about Tom?"

"Hmm, if it'll piss Rarity off, then hell yes!"

"Then shut it! Now Celly, you and I both know that there is a spell to send them back right?"

"Correct."

"And that the spell requires a specific stone from said 'Cave of Vagueness'."

Celestia widened her eyes, she had completely forgotten the Stone of Souls.

"Oh... you sent Dempsey there..."

"To retrieve the Stone and get home to his zombie infested apocalypse."

"Wow... I didn't think that you would be helpful. I mean, you would be new best friend if you got me vodka."

"Yes, and now, Nikolai, I'll tell you about Tom."

Dempsey had his flashlight on, and he wasn't sure what to do.

"Dammit Discord, why did this have to be confusing?"

Dempsey was, for a lack of a better term, wandering in the caves. He then noticed a peculiar stone.

"Huh, what is..."

PicK IT uP aND You'Ll Go hOMe!

"What the..."

PIcK iT Up!

Dempsey obliged, and felt nothing.

GO BacK!

"O... kay."

Dempsey walked back, and somehow ended up at the entrance faster then he thought it would take.

Dempsey, it's me Discord.

Oh, craptastic. What is it?

That stone you got, you'll need it for sure.

Why are you helping me? And how do you know Richtofen?

I'm helping you because I want to. As for Richtofen... Let's just say he and I go back a while.

Right... How am I going to get back?

Dempsey then saw a familiar shape.

"Princess, I see you came with Nikolai."

"Yes, I have. Let's go back to Ponyville."

"Da Dempsey, I have new way to taunt bitch unicorn."

"Oh no, you don't." Celestia was not letting Nikolai terrorize her subjects again for laughs.

"What? But I had the perfect way to make her angry. Its name was Tom."

Dempsey at this point had already gotten on the chariot.

"Tom?" Dempsey then sighed, "Nevermind, can we go now?" Dempsey asked Celestia.

"Of course. You got the stone?"

"Yeah, I do. Wait... how'd..."

"I know Discord guided you. And while I'm against trusting him, this time shall be an exception."

"How do you know Discord?"

"He and I go way back."

"Right." Dempsey was really starting to get pissed off.

"Dempsey, I'm almost out of vodka."

"Nikolai... not now."

"...and he just disappeared and..."

"Applejack?" Rainbow Dash was confused, until she looked at what Applejack was looking at.

"WHOO HOOO! The princess brought back Tank and Nikki!" Pinkie Pie was ready to throw one of her parties for them.

"We're back, bitches!"

"And we've got vodka!"

The chariot landed in front of the library and the three occupants stepped off.

"Princess, I'm so glad that Tank and Nikolai are okay."

"Don't worry my faithful student. They're okay, and we have everything we need to send them back home."

"That's great!"

"Wait wait wait wait wait... wait! We haven't even given them a party for their troubles yet." Pinkie Pie said, being usual ecstatic self.

Celestia pondered about this before saying, "Very well, we shall have a farewell party for these two."

"Better be vodka there."

"Really Niko... Ya know what, Ah'm just glad yer back Nikolai. Honest."

"And I am glad I'm almost out of this stupid world too, Applejack."

"Yeah, the author will send us back the chapter after the next one, so let's just end this chapter now, and be done with it."

"What chapter Demp..."

-Chapter End-

Revenge of Vodka

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

Fluttershy and Rarity were pondering something very important.

"Fluttershy, darling. I still don't know about telling..."

"Rarity, our cover is blown. We have to tell all of them soon."

Rarity had a look of dismay on her face, but nodded to her lover.

"Very well, but only after Dempsey and Nikolai are gone."

"Why them?"

"Last thing I need right now is something lewd spoken from them about... us."

Fluttershy nodded slightly and said, "Well for now, let's just enjoy another Pinkie Party. I just hope the humans don't make foals of themselves."

"I wouldn't count on it."

Dempsey was impressed about how fast Pinkie set up everything in Sugarcube Corner; the booze, the decorations, the entertainment, even an absurdly long table full of food, such as: chips, salsa, guacamole, sandwiches, sweets of all kinds, punch, and even...

"You have cola?"

"Well duh Dempsey. I mean what is life without soda, and I'm all like 'boooooooooriiiiiiiiiing'." Pinkie then giggled for a few seconds.

"Well tell me, how can you see..." Dempsey looked around for a few seconds, then looked at the party pony, "the wall?"

"It's mostly fanon."

"Ahh, so this is fanon then."

"Yep, here's the DJ." Pinkie then ran off to decorate a little more.

A white unicorn with a neon blue mane and tail walked up to the human. Dempsey noted a near scarlet color in her eyes.

"Yo, wassup. Name's Vinyl Scratch."

"You sound you're from a city in my world called Boston."

"Boston? Nevermind, this is going to be amazing party."

"Right, the author finally put me in a situation not totally unusual for me."

"Yeah, he's nice like dat."

"Holy shit! You can break the wall too?"

"Yeah, it's how I got most of my songs 'ere."

deadmau5 and SKRILLEX, Dempsey. Hope ya like to dance without restrictions.

"Like a flapper?"

Not everyone get's 1920's terms like us, Dempsey.

"Whatever."

How about a time-skip to the party?

"Please."

-Three Hours Later-

"LET'S GET THIS PART-AY STARTED!"

Vinyl Scratch, better known as DJ PON-3 was playing music with her signature shades on.

The music began to play through the speakers, most of the ponies invited came, but Dempsey noticed something.

"How many peo... I mean ponies did you invite, Pinkie?"

"All the adult ponies."

"Umm..." Why the hell did she invite the whole fucking town?

Meanwhile, Nikolai was drinking from one of the open bars, a lot.

"Umm, I think you had enough sir."

"Fuck you, give me more!"

The bartender merely rolled rolled his eyes and obliged, with one warning, "This is your last drink."

"Alright fine, I can go get more vodka later."

Meanwhile again, Rarity and Fluttershy were conversing with Twilight about what they were planning to do and need advice.

"Hmm, just straight up tell them, and that doesn't work, then show them you love each other."

The couple looked at each other, then back to Twilight. Rarity finally said, "Well alright, but I really am going to feel bad for Spike. He seemed so enamored with me."

"Rarity, Spike may have crushed on you, but even he knows you're out of his league. All he want's is for you too be happy. If that means being a fillyfooler, then so be it!"

Rarity seemed thoughtful, and then got a look of confidence. "You're right, he'll just be disappointed that my choice is... somewhat unconventional."

"I would guess."

The couple thanked Twilight and went to converse with the other patrons. Dempsey however...

"Yo Tank, I think you're drinking a bit much."

"Screw you Rainbow, I haven't had a beer like this in years."

"Alright, but you're going to act like a foal."

"Yeah right..." Dempsey was definitely drunk. He soon met with Nikolai.

"Hey Dempsey, let us sing over shit music."

"What do you want to sing?"

"Hmm... 99 shots of vodka..."

Dempsey smiled a dopey smile, "99 shots of glee..."

"We drink for fun!"

"It's better than rum!"

They then unison-ed, "99 shots of vodka for me! 98 shots of vodka! 98 shots of glee."

Dempsey sang one line, "We drink for fun!"

Nikolai the other, "It's better than rum!"

"98 shots of vodka for me!"

They continued their singing, with Applejack and Rainbow watching.

"They're not half bad."

"Yeah Rainbow, they aren't"

"Goddammit Nikolai, you lost count again. Now we got to start over."

"Well, I am not good at math."

"Even if they are eccentric." Rainbow continued.

"Yep."

The party was going on great and the ponies danced. But then somepony came at that moment, and stopped everthing, except the drunken singing of the two humans.

Twilight walked to that somepony and said to her, "Princess! So glad you could make it!"

"Indeed Twilight. What are you waiting for? Continue on." And with that the music continued on. Celestia trotted over to the drunk humans.

"Dammit Nikolai, stop losing count!"

"I told you, I am not good at math."

"Ahem." The two humans then looked at the princess, whom had a amused look on her face.

"I see you two are having fun."

"Da, but I'll let you know, I still don't like you much."

"Don't worry Nikolai, after your hangover, you and your friend will go home."

"Sounds good to Nikolai."

"Hey author, this is better than most parties I've been to."

Thanks, I'll end this chapter soon. But first, I'll just check something.

"Alright."

On the roof, a familiar figure was listening to the party music.

"Oh, how I love music from an alternate dimension, just wish there was that song about being a griever."

Luna landed next to Discord.

"You know, you are going to be put back in stone after the humans are sent back home."

"But what about when another five come in two months?"

"Another five?"

"That's all I'm saying, dear Lulu."

Luna sighed, "Very well, but your powers will still be restricted until you prove yourself trustworthy... which I find unlikely."

"Ugg, chill out. I have."

Luna just shook her head and laid down on the roof, enjoying her night sky. But one last thought came to mind.

Just who are the five humans Discord talked about?

The Ending of... Vodka

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

It was the morning after the party and Dempsey was waking up.

"Uhh, my head." Dempsey looked around him and notice two things.

"Where are my pants? Why are Applejack and Rainbow on... OH GOD, please don't tell me..."

He got up, waking up Applejack and Rainbow, who also had hangovers. Rainbow spoke up first.

"What the, what happened?"

"Ah don't know... why are ya naked Dempsey?"

"Trust me, I want to know and the most likely answer is also the one I hope didn't happen."

"What do you..." Suddenly, Rainbow realized something, "OH, on no." I hope I'm still a virgin.

"Umm, par..." Applejack also realized what made Rainbow scared, "Oh, oh lordy." Ah hope Ah didn't... have relations with him.

Dempsey sighed, "Great, just glad my wife isn't here."

"Isn't she dead because of the destruction of Earth?"

"I'll just tell you, I time traveled."

The two mare seemed surprised, but then realized just what he been through.

"Oh my gosh! You got to tell me how going to the future is like."

"Later, you two might want to see a doctor soon."

"Yeah, yer right Dempsey."

"Now for my next question."

"Shoot."

"Where are my pants?"

Twilight woke up with a hangover in her library and the strangest taste in her mouth. She moved her eyes and then panicked when she realized why she had that taste. Her screams muffled in the mouth of another mare, who was just waking up, and moved her mouth out of Twilight's.

"Hiya Twilight! Boy, crazy stuff last night, huh?"

"Pinkie! Why were you kissing me?"

"I dunno, I just was. But now I know I'm bisexual." Pinkie just giggled, unaware of how much mental damage she gave to Twilight.

But I'm not! I am into Stallions

Nikolai, who was also there woke up, unsurprisingly with a hangover.

"Wah? Ah damn. Hangover."

"Wooo, that was awesome!"

The three turned to a partied up mare, Vinyl.

"Hiya..."

"Ahh, not so loud, Pinkie."

"Da, hangover hurts head... like sixth wife's punches."

"Let's just wait for this nightmare to be over."

"Heh heh. Night mare, get it as in mare of night. Heh heh." Nikolai then noticed the looks of the mares, and was pleased. "Finally, someone has sense of humor."

"I did get it this time, but that joke is not the funniest."

"You know what Twilight, fuck you. You are no fun."

Soon after the four had breakfast and Vinyl Scratch went to her hotel. Pinkie then realized something.

"Twi, we've have to get Dempsey."

"You're right, where is he?"

"I've got some good news, girls."

"What is it Doctor Stable?"

"Neither of you have had sexual intercourse recently."

The two mares were relieved, they were really worried.

"But Applejack."

"Yeah?"

"We found that you have a fatal disease."

"WHAT!"

"Good news is that you came in before it was too late, it is treatable now."

"Aw shucks, what is it?"

"Leukemia."

"Loo what now?"

"Leukemia, it's where you have an inability to form blood clots properly. Treatment will require you to be in the hospital for a couple months."

Applejack was really shocked, she was sick and she didn't even know it. She had one more question.

"How much for the treatment?"

"500 bits."

Applejack look dampened, she had insurance but if she wanted to live, Granny would have to a cheap funeral. She had a thoughtful look and finally said, "Do it, for mah life."

"Very well, the treatment will begin in three days. Better tell your friends and family."

"Right..." The two mares went to the lobby where Dempsey was.

"Tell me, did we?"

"Nah."

"Oh, thank God!"

"But Ah have Leukemia."

"Damn, my cousin had that. He's dead."

"Ah'm sorry, let's just go to Twi's house now."

"Right..." Dammit author, you are a bastard.

I know I am. I know I am.

Nikolai was drunk again in the library. Twilight and Pinkie were waiting for Dempsey when he came in with Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

"Dempsey, there you are, and with my two favorite mares."

"Hello Nikolai, I just going to say, I'm glad this is almost over."

Then came Rarity, Fluttershy, and Princess Celestia.

"Oh, there you two are. How about we say our goodbyes, then preform the spell."

"Right Princess, I'm just glad I didn't do anything I'll regret later."

"I am also glad for that. But seriously Dempsey, this place is starting to suck balls." Nikolai couldn't wait to go bounce on the Moon again.

For the sake of not boring you, I summarized the goodbyes.

Dempsey said very pleasant goodbyes to Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy. Pinkie got a her head rubbed and Twilight got a pat on the back.

Nikolai gave Applejack and Rainbow very warm goodbye, Pinkie a thumbs up, Twilight and Fluttershy a simple nod, and Rarity...

"Oh, and I read up on Discord, Rarity... He made you think rock was diamond and you named it Tom!" Nikolai laughed with a roaring sound, and Rarity had a look of pure rage on her face.

"Let's just preform the spell." Celestia began to hold up the Stone of Souls, "Put your hands on the stone here."

The two humans did so, and Celestia began to use her magic.

Most of mares would miss the duo, but they knew they had to go back.

"Umm, Princess. Is this rock supposed to..." Dempsey never got the chance to finish his sentence when his soul, along with Nikolai's was sucked in. Twilight got worried.

"Um, Princess. Was that..."

The rock then exploded, sending the souls back into their respective bodies and made the duo fade out of existence.

"What the..."

"Twilight, they are home now."

Twilight was skeptical, but she was just glad it was over.

"Well Ah'm glad it's over, but Ah got something ta say."

"Yes, Applejack?"

"Ah got Leukemia."

(A/N Epilogue will be next, stay tuned.)

Vodka-filled Epilogue of Metal Proportions!

Nikolai Berlinski and Equestria, with no Zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17

"Uncle Takeo, these zombies are too hard, and I'm out of ammo!"

"Then we wirr die with honor." Takeo said as he took out his katana for use.

But then two men appeared all of a sudden, then put on some P.E.S. suits.

"Let's do it."

"Da!"

The two walked into the biodome and noticed a hoard of zombies.

"Let's mop up this mess."

"And drink vodka."

"Nikorai? Dempsey?"

"Hello Takeo. I am back from a world of shitty proportions and am going to save you. You mad?" Nikolai missed being a dick to Takeo.

And so, the four got together and finished off the last of the zombies on the moon. Headshot after headshot, limb tore from limb, they had won the battle. Samantha then turned to the two men who were just gone.

"Where were you two? You were gone for two days."

"Trust me Sam. If we told you, you would not believe us. But you would enjoy it." Dempsey was being honest here.

Samantha was confused, but shrugged. The four then went over to Richtofen, who was still floating in the MPD.

"Looks like you lose, asshole."

"SHut UP deMPSeY! yOu may HaVE Won thE batTLe, bUT not THE WaR!"

"Let's go, the sequel is almost here."

"Sequel? Dempsey you confuse me."

"And you tried to kill me with zombies, what's your excuse?"

"Dempsey, do not insurt Samantha."

"Fine Tak, let's just go."

And the four went to the MDT and hoped on, knowing that this was just the beginning of a long war against Richtofen.

"Oh Fluttershy, I'm so nervous."

Fluttershy kissed Rarity on her lips gently and said, "I am too, but this has to be done, for us."

Rarity could not shake off the her gut feeling, but Fluttershy was just... just... wonderful.

"Very well, let's go tell them."

The two mares walked into the room where their family and friends were. Rarity spotted among them to be her parents, Sweetie Belle, and Spike. Fluttershy noticed that her parents came over, expecting a marefriend from her. They both took a big gulp of air and Rarity said, "How are you all doing?"

The others said that they were having a good time. Oh dear Celestia, here we go.

"Good, Fluttershy and I have an announcement to make."

"Oh really?" asked Rarity's father.

"Yes, I, uh, I don't know how let this on gently so we'll just say it." Rarity took a deep breath, and exhaled. Here goes nothing. Do or die time! "Fluttershy and I... are in love."

The room suddenly went quiet. Many thoughts were being made. For those who knew Rarity well, they didn't think that Rarity would be... a fillyfooler. Fluttershy's parents however just nodded, already knowing of their daughter's preference.

After a long silence, Spike spoke up. "So, Rarity. You are a fillyfooler?"

"Yes, I am."

Spike was silent, eyes open as if he was broken.

"Well, this is unexpected... so tell me Rares? When did you realized you.. prefer mares?" Rarity's Mother was barely out of shock.

"Four months ago."

The room was silent again,

And then the group then congratulated them for finding love. This surprised the couple, but they were happy that they didn't have to keep it a secret anymore. Rarity then walked to Sweetie Belle.

"Sweetie Belle, just because I'm with a mare doesn't mean you have to."

"Really? Okay, because there is this cute colt in school I like."

"Oh really?"

"Rarity, I'm not telling."

Rarity chuckled and shook her head. I'm so glad this is over.

Yep, it was a happy ending after all.

Applejack had horrible news to tell her family, but she had to be honest. She was the Element of Honesty after all. She had to tell them she was dying, and that the only way to save herself was to be at the hospital for a few months.

Oh lordy, here goes nothing.

She walked up to her family and they looked at her.

"Heya Applejack, why are you sad, sis?"

"Oh Apple Bloom, Ah got somethin' tah say to y'all."

The Apple family looked at her.

"Ah... Ah got a terrible disease. Ah got to go to the hospital fer a few months."

"WHAT!" Apple Bloom could not believe her sister was sick, she just couldn't.

"Now don't you worry, just gonna be gone fer a few months, nothing bad or anythang. Right?"

"Ah guess so."

"Good, Ah go in three days."

Big Macintosh then asked the big question, "What is the ailment?"

"Leukemia."

"Oh darn!"

"What, what's that?" Apple Bloom didn't know anything.

"It... Ya'll learn when yer older. Right now, Applejack needs to prepare."

And so the four members of the Apple family went on, but they knew things wouldn't be the same.

-Meanwhile, in another universe, two months from now-

"Concert is in 15 minutes, you guys ready?"

"Yeah." answered a gruff voice.

"Yes." answered a voice with a lisp.

"Totallys ready." answered a high pitched voice.

"I'm ready." answered a voice hailing from Wisconsin.

"I ams ready." answered a Swedish voice.

"Good, knock ''em dead guys. Though, not literally."

"Shut up and let us finish." answered the gruff voice.

"Okay."

Five men, with their make-up on, walked to the stage. Thousands of fans were there, waiting for the music to begin.

"Alright Douchebags, It's time to begin this concert! And if you don't know who we are, why are you here?"

The fans cheered louder.

"WE'RE DETHKLOK! AND WE'RE READY TO BEGIN!"

-Story end-

Sequel

DO IT! IT'S DETHKLOK!