When the businesspony got out of the shower, he stood in front of the sink. "Huh," he said. "That's odd."
He reached up with one forehoof, rubbing the wall behind the sink. "It isn't just fogged up, either. There's no mirror at all."
He wrapped a towel around himself to catch any drips, and left his hotel room.
***
At the hotel's front desk, he complained. "I need another room, one that isn't defective. My room doesn't have even one mirror. How am I supposed to get ready for my meetings?"
"We make do," Bell Hop said. "Everypony does."
"I don't know anypony who does."
Bell Hop gave the businesspony a bored look. "Everypony in this town does."
"And you know what else?" the businesspony protested. "My hotel room doesn't have a proper alarm clock, either. It's so quiet, I almost didn't wake up at all."
Hop shrugged. "We don't use loud alarm clocks either, in Ponyville."
Sans Smirk snorted. "That's ridiculous!"
Hop shook his head. "I'll also thank you not to make any sudden loud noises yourself. Like shouting."
"This is preposterous. You haven't heard the last from me about this."
Hop took a deep breath. "I hope you're quieter next time."
Sans stormed back to his room, where he combed his mane and tail the best he could without a looking glass. When he walked out the front door, his tie was still crooked.
***
When he saw an open air restaurant, he pursed his lips. "I suppose in Ponyville it's illegal for cafes to serve FOOD."
A waitress smiled. "Hardly. Welcome to the Daisy Cafe." She showed him to a table, and gave him a menu.
"I already know what I want. A bowl of oats, and one egg, soft-boiled."
"I'll get that order in right away, sir." The waitress trotted towards the kitchen.
Sans opened his briefcase, and pulled out a catalog. Party balloons, noisemakers, sparkly streamers and ribbons and banners. Colorful, biodegradable glitter sold by the pound. Paper blowouts and glitter-filled firecrackers. Even confetti-throwing party cannons. Something should appeal to the local ponies. After all, everypony loves a party.
He contemplated a binder, filled with samples of different gift wraps, and almost smiled. "If the local ponies don't like loud noises...well, a little quiet crinkling never hurt anypony." He picked out a necklace from his case, and wrapped the jewelry up into a small package.
On the gift tag, he wrote
To Pinkie Pie,
our favorite and best customer
We miss you.
After he ate breakfast, he packed up his things and walked towards the address he'd copied from the company's files. Sugarcube Corner Bakery...he thought it would be hard to miss.
***
Outside the bakery, Sans Smirk stood for a few minutes, planning his sales pitch.
Behind him, a plump, pale blue mare with a striped pink mane cleared her throat. "Excuse me," she said. "May I help you?"
Sans startled, and turned around. "I'd...like to visit Sugarcube Corner. And maybe buy a hot cross bun or two."
The mare smiled joylessly, eyes narrowing, as if Sans had told an old, stale joke that he himself didn't get. "I'm sorry. No hot cross buns."
"None today?"
"None ever. That's one thing you won't find anywhere in town. And I'll thank you not to mention them again."
Sans grimaced. "I'll tell you the truth. I'm in town representing a party supplies company. One of Equestria's biggest."
"Which one?"
"FunCo. With main offices in Manehattan and Trottingham."
The mare nodded, silently.
He added, "But we have a problem. Well, a mystery. But that's not even what worries me now, not anymore."
The mare gave him a questioning look.
"Ponies sure are quiet in this town. And that's part of it! No mirrors. No alarm clocks, no loud noises of any kind. And now, no hot cross buns. I just don't get it. Has your town been taken over by vampires? Do loud noises disturb their daily sleep?"
The mare shook her head. "Come with me...AWAY from Sugarcube Corner. I'll try to explain."
The mare led Sans along a street, out of Ponyville, and to the edge of a neighboring field, where grass and flowers grew.
Sans admired the flowers. "Poppies. I've always liked them. They're such pretty things."
The mare snorted. "She's not likely to come here. She doesn't really want to look at such things, most days."
"What are you talking about?" Sans demanded. "And WHO is SHE?"
The mare gazed out at the red blossoms, bobbing in the breeze. "The pony who used to be your biggest customer. I remember how we used to receive big packages from you folks in the mail, nearly every day."
Sans said, "Pinkie Pie."
The blue mare nodded. "Do you know much about...Sombra, and the war?"
Sans looked at the grass and the flowers. "I know what I saw in the newspapers, I suppose. And in a newsreel or two. At first, it was supposed to be a huge crisis. Some kind of looming disaster. Lots of talk about mobilizing all the resources Equestria could, drafting ponies, nationalizing factories. For a little while, the Equestrian government even took over some of our company's plants...I don't know what for. I don't work on the production end of things."
The mare gazed across the field. Maybe a quarter mile away, a lilac unicorn held a kite's string in her teeth. But she didn't look like she was having fun, not really.
The plump blue mare beside Sans sighed. "And then what?"
"After all that fuss that was made about it, it seemed like the war just kind of fizzled out. As usual, ponies made a big fuss over nothing. Just an excuse for the government to get ponies riled up, I guess. And try to raise our taxes."
The plump mare's mouth wrinkled up into something that wasn't really a smile. "So you never really asked what happened to evil King Sombra, and his slave army?"
A shrug. "Not really my concern."
"And why did you think the Equestrian government wanted to take over your employer's factories, and seize your company's stockpiles?"
"I told you--"
"Party cannons can be used for more than just parties." The mare scratched in the grass with one hoof. "And party cannon 'plosive powder? That has a lot of uses too." The mare grimaced. "Pinkie Pie...she knows more than almost anypony alive, about different ways to rig party surprises. Things like that. She's also very good at other earth pony skills, like digging tunnels. And surprise parties. At planning and setting up surprise parties, even on very short notice, she's better than anypony else I know."
"That's why I came here!" the stallion stomped. "I want to know why we lost our best customer! I want to know what happened to her! I want to know..." his voice trailed off.
"Pinkie went out towards the Crystal Empire, with all the help and support the Equestrian Guard could give her, and she planned...the biggest surprise party anypony had ever seen. Rows of hidden party cannons, loaded and aimed just right. Tunnels, stuffed with 'plosive powder, placed to make the ground open up and swallow ponies who were on the wrong side of the war. Ponies in the wrong place at the wrong time."
She gritted her teeth. "You might have heard about how the Crystal Empire had its own special kind of ponies, Crystal Ponies. Have you ever MET a Crystal Pony, mister..."
"Sans Smirk, ma'am." He held out a forehoof to shake.
"I'm Mrs. Cup Cake." She hoof bumped in a perfunctory way. "In your line of work, I suppose you must do a lot of traveling. Have you met many Crystal Ponies, in all your journeys?"
He swallowed. "I can't say as I know if I ever have, Mrs. Cake."
She looked upwards, towards the soaring kite. "That's because there aren't a whole lot of them left, Mister Smirk. And the ones who survived...they don't really want to come to Equestria, I don't think. Too many unpleasant memories. For them and Pinkie Pie both.
"And that," Mrs. Cake said, "Is why Pinkie Pie doesn't like to be surprised by loud noises, or to look at things that remind her of grave markers. And why I don't know that she'll ever want to touch a party cannon or any 'plosive powder ever again, for as long as she lives."
"And...the mirrors?"
The mare shook her head. "You can guess at least two likely reasons, all on your own, without my help. Reasons Pinkie might not like to look at a mirror."
"I...I suppose I see." The stallion said softly, "I'm sorry."
The mare watched the kite make a slow, wide turn through a cloudless sky. "Thank you. Someday, when I think Pinkie is ready to hear it...I'll tell her you said so."
Author's Note
Where did this story idea come from?
Moproblems Moharmoney wrote Fairytale Romance, winning a contest and the award of a custom story commission. Moproblems was full of ideas for the custom commission, and gave me a much bigger pile of constructive idea than one story probably even needs. I took a tiny fragment from that pile,
Sombra War Pinkie - A Veteran with a thousand yard stare, no parties will undo the things she's seen or done.
and turned it in a direction Mo might not have quite expected.
...
Some relatively realistic war fiction by Joe Haldeman probably had something to do with my story, too, in a general kind of way. (I already recently blogged Haldeman's "Graves." (link))
This story probably also takes at least one scrap of inspiration from a more cheerful tale, TheDriderPony's "The Adventures of Ponyville Mare and the Stallion Who Loved Her." (link)
