Schadenteacher

Chapters

Lesson One: Read the Rules
Lesson Two: Know the Field
Lesson Three: Know Your Audience
Lesson Four: Know Your Teammates
Lesson Five: Check Your Supplies
Lesson Six: Old Pony, New Tricks
Lesson Seven: Don't Believe Everything You Read
Lesson Eight: Nightmare Night

Lesson One: Read the Rules

Author's Note

I was trying to come up with a new story idea, and audibly gasped when this popped into my head. Which can NOT be good.

Lesson One: Read the Rules

My name is Schadenfreude von Douchehorse. Although, given that you’re reading this right now, the chances that you already knew that are rather high. I’m Prince Blueblood’s butler. I’m an honorary scholar. I’m also a general pain in the flank, and righteous with it. So I know shenanigans when I see them.

“Oh come on, this is shenanigans and you know it,” I argued.

Princess Celestia sat upright in her throne her hair flowing in a wind that doesn’t exist (which I have checked for extensively), gazing down upon me with an air of Royal Disapproval™. And a smirk. The look was just for show. “Schadenfreude, you and I both know the rules of the Game. You broke them, you lose.”

“I broke them without malicious intent in the course of a daily activity that literally everypony else participates in regularly,” I pointed out. I sat before her in the middle of her court, being smirked at from all sides. Princess Luna on one, Princess Cadence on the other. Apparently, they hadn’t wanted to miss this.

“Rule #43: Not Allowed near the Post Office without a Guard escort-”

“-there is a GUARD at the front DOOR of the Post Office-”

“-Rule #71: Not allowed on Public Transportation-”

“-which I only took so as to stay within my work schedule as assigned by you-”

“-Rule #138: Not allowed near anything with an engine-”

“-it is a bucking bus this is cheating-”

“-Rule #168: Schadenfreude is not allowed to address Princess Celestia as ‘Momlestia’, ‘Miss Sunset Shimmer’s Mom’, or ‘Sunmommy’.

“-”

“Well?”

“That one’s legit.”

Celestia nodded and smiled. “Now Schaden, you and I both know you agreed to the rules in all fairness. We’ve even had to edit the list several times given your post here, and some of the… questionably legality of some of its prohibitions. All of which you were present for, of sound mind, and signed willingly and without duress.”

“Which is all well and good, except I took a bus to mail a certified letter to respond to an official notice from Princess Twilight Sparkle. Which, as common law states, can only be done by said certified letter, dragon post, or by hoof. And I doubt I could make it to Ponyville and back on my lunch hour,” I argued.

It was Luna’s turn to cut in. “All of which we are perfectly aware of, Schadenfreude. In fact, so is Twilight. And we have come to the conclusion that her official notice was sent in such a manner as to bait you into breaking the rules.”

“Which is absolutely not cool,” I pointed out.

“Also not against the rules of the Game,” Cadence replied. “Look, Schaden, you and I both know I’m not your biggest fan, but I also believe in fair play. What Twilight did, while questionable, was well within her purview as Princess, and well within the parameters of the rules governing enforcement of the List.”

“However,” Celestia added, “Going forward it will not be. The three of us are in accord, and, having outvoted Twilight on the matter, are creating a new, fairer, less obtuse set of Rules. So while this particular series of infractions is legitimate, going forward it shall be considered a clear violation should you be baited, coerced, or otherwise put into a position where breaking any of the Rules is unavoidable.”

“Well, how does this help me now?” I asked indignantly.

The Princesses looked between each other with a mischievous glance. Celestia’s and Luna’s I had gotten used to, having lived in the castle as long as I had, but seeing Cadence reflect their expressions was… curious. And somewhat alarming, even to me. “The three of us have also decided, again having outvoted Princess Twilight, that your typical sentence- one week of community service per infraction- shall be served… elsewhere.”

“...I have several questions.”

Luna raised an eyebrow, and asked, “Schadenfreude, how do you feel about… teaching?”

“...I have no more questions.”

Several minutes later, and several miles away. “THIS IS HORSEHOCKEY,” Twilight bellowed, reading and re-reading the latest letter from Celestia in absolute indignation. “This is NOT what I meant when I asked for help!”

The rest of the Elements of Harmony -well, almost. There was a distinct lack of Pinkie Pie- had gathered around the Cutie map, having responded to what Twilight had labeled ‘The Absolute Utmost Friendship Emergency to Ever… Emerge’, and were staring at her with a mix of disappointment, curiosity, and, in one particular apple farmer’s case, an expression that could only be described as ‘I Told You So’. “Told ya so,” Applejack said. “I knew that plan would backfire, Twi’. Always does. You’n’I both know no good comes from tryin’ ta’ pull a fast one like that.”

“It was well within the rules of the Game, AJ! Yes, they changed the rules right after, but it was still valid!” Twilight whined, punctuating her sentence by flopping into her throne and letting her head fall on the map table.

“It still feels like poor sportsmanship, dear,” Rarity said soothingly. “While I do agree that… particular stallion needs to be taken down a peg or two, there’s something to be said for professional courtesy.”

Rainbow Dash made a rude, dismissive noise. “Courtesy, schmurtesy. It was totally a legit play, and like, the definition of a harmless prank. Honestly, if I’d done it you’d all say I was going to easy on him!”

“Exactly!” Twilight groaned, lifting her head and gesturing in Dash ad Pinkie’s general direction. “This is nonsense!”

Fluttershy spoke up, finally, having found the words. “Well, to be fair, Twilight, he is performing community service. He’s even doing two more weeks than you thought he would.”

“Yes, but why near meeeeee?!”

The next Monday, at the School of Friendship. A rather rowdy classroom had just been made to quiet down by a rather offput-looking Princess Twilight Sparkle. “Good Morning Class,” she said, forcing a smile. Well, partially. She still loved seeing her students. Which was just enough from keeping most of the class from realizing the effort she was putting into looking cheerful this morning.

A bright blue changeling leaned in her seat to whisper to an orange dragon. “What’s got Princess Twilight all… weird?” Ocellus asked.

“No idea,” replied Smolder.

“As you know,” Twilight continued, “Your teacher Pinkie Pie is going to be unavailable for the next few weeks, as she has temporarily taken over Sugarcube corner while the Pies and their children are out of Ponyville. You may also have heard that, given recent events at the school, finding a substitute teacher has been… difficult. Well, I had reached out to Princess Celestia not too long ago for help, and she was able to scuttle a… last minute substitute.”

A few more students had caught on to the tense nature of Twilight’s tone, and a few worried glances were being passed around. “It also behooves me to inform you that said substitute will be working here as a form of… community service, which I may or may not be partially responsible for. That said, I can assure you that he is neither a danger to Equestria, you, or even Ponyville. He is even, and I can't be-frickin-lieve I’m saying this part out loud, board certified as a substitute by the EEA. That being said, allow me to introduce you to your new teacher, and I apologize in advance,” she groaned, her horn lighting up as her magic opened the door.

In trotted one of the most confusing stallions any of the students had ever seen. Effeminate in build and style, though somewhat athletically built, he bore brown and white patches and a rather long mane of dusty brown hair. His Cutie Mark, a painting tilted askew, wasn’t even the weirdest thing about him. Of all of the teachers at Twilight Sparkle’s School of Friendship, very few actually made any effort to dress for the job. One of them did wear a straw hat, but only because removing it was punishable by personal injury. This pony, however, had seemingly gone the extra mile- a button-down shirt with a blue pinstripe vest and tie, a matching blue flat cap, and rather sensible shoes.

Except there seemed to be something wrong with his outfit at every corner. The buttons were off by one the entire way down, the pinstripe vest was shorter on one side, and the tie was, somehow, inside-out. Eve the shoes were… uneven. The hat seemed to be the only normal part of he outfit. However, should one look closely, they would discover that he stripes were in fact very, very fine white text that simply read Tee-Hee over and over.

“What. The heck,” Smolder said, looking for all the world like she’d been face-checked by a cutting board and hadn’t quite figured it out yet.

“Who in the world is that?” Ocellus asked.

Twilight, still trying to maintain her smile, although it was now more obviously strained than ever, pointed a hoof at the newcomer. “This, students, is Schadenfreude.”

Thus began the most confusing and possibly lethal month of my life.

Lesson Two: Know the Field

Having just finished introducing myself, there was a small round of deafening silence. Then, a small (what am I saying they’re all small) blue griffin raised his paw. “Yes, Mr…?”

“Gallus,” he finished for me. “I have to ask, what the cluck did you do?”

I could practically feel Twilight’s eyes burning a hole in the side of my head. “My dear sweet summer child, there isn’t time in the day. Now, I can understand that many, if not all of you, have multiple concerns about your substitute teacher being here as a result of community service, but I can assure you that I have never, at any point, made an attempt to overthrow, supplant, destroy, or unmake any member of the royal family, their friends, family, or Equestria as a whole. Neither have I ever required the use of the Elements of Harmony to resolve any conflict.

“I am, however, fully qualified as a substitute teacher,” I paused, and rolled my tongue in my mouth for a second. “Nope, still tastes weird to say that. I also have multiple commendations from Equestrian Royalty, a handful of foreign ambassadors, and a rather good eye for detail, so if the changeling and the dragon in the back row could please wait till after I’m done addressing the class to have their own conversation that’d be fantastic thanksomuch. Now, I will not be teaching the entirety of your lessons today, but I will be your acting homeroom teacher for the next few weeks, give or take. Minimum of three, five max depending on circumstances.”

The dragon in question at least had the courtesy to look sheepish about being caught, then raised her hand. “Yes, in the back, Ms…”

“Smolder,” she finished. It occurred to me for a moment that these kids were already easier to talk to than some adults I knew. “So why, if you’re so great, are you doing community service?”

I smiled, and waved a hoof noncommittally. “It’s not actual community service, in a sense. As in court-mandated. Think of it more as… losing a bet. I have an ongoing game with the Princesses, and this is just part of it.”

The mood in the room seemed to lighten considerably after that, as the Princesses did have a reputation for silly bets and games with their subjects. Twilight much less so, but I had a whole month to fix that. Although she had taken to sitting quietly behind the desk and watching, slightly amused, as I fielded questions. Now more of the students were raising their hooves and claws. I pointed to the bright blue changeling that had been gossiping with the dragon. “Ms…”

“Ocellus,” she answered. I could tell right away she was the quiet but curios one. “So, if I might ask, what is your special talent? Your cutie mark is… confusing. And what does Schadenfreude mean?”

“Incidentally, your second question answers most of your first. Schadenfreude is a Germane word meaning ‘malicious glee’. My special talent is finding the things that most annoy a creature, and then irritating the feathers off of them, to great comedic effect,” I said proudly. Apparently I was the only creature in the room, as per usual, that thought it was something to be proud of.

“So how the Tartarus did they let you be a teacher?” Gallus asked. Nuh-uh, kid, you didn’t raise your claw.

Instead I turned my attention to the most exuberantly patient hippogriff I’d ever seem. A somewhat subdued shade of pink with a blue mane, she was waving her claw like crazy, but making a surprisingly little amount of noise doing so. “Yes, Ms…”

“Silverstream!” she all but shouted. “So what kind of job do they give you with a talent like that?”

“I’m Prince Blueblood’s butler.”

There was a rousing chorus of ‘ooooohhhhh’s from the ponies present. The rest of the class looked slightly confused. “Who?” asked Gallus again. Sorry kid, please raise claw for assistance.

Then the yak rose her hoof. I say ‘the yak’ because one, she was difficult to miss in this crowd, as many yaks are, and two, she was the only yak I’d seen since I got to Ponyville. I gestured at her. “Ms…”

“Yona! Who is Blueblood? Other ponies seem like he no good,” she said earnestly.

I tapped my hoof to my chin, trying to think of a good example. Then something Twilight had mentioned clicked in my head. “He’s like… ok, imagine of Chancellor Neighsay was Royalty, and directly related to the Princess. And hadn’t finished college.”

The rest of the students flinched appropriately. Yona continued, “So teacher is like babysitter for mean Prince?”

“More like the psychological equivalent of a full-body check, but yes,” I said, catching a small smile from Twilight. Blueblood was one of the few things the two of us always saw eye-to-eye on, especially since her position as Princess obligated her to spend more time with him. “Yes, Yona, I am. Now, I understand there are plenty more questions, which I will have time for later. Unfortunately, this was a bit of a last-minute arrangement, and I have some lesson plans to review. I will be teaching classes in full effect as of Wednesday, but will be sitting in on lessons tomorrow and available for conversation during breaks. In the interim, by which I mean ‘in the meantime’,” I added, seeing a couple of confused faces, “Princess Twilight will be covering classes today and tomorrow. Auf Wiedersehen!” I exclaimed, and walked out of the class.

Much to the relief of Twilight Sparkle, who seemed to relish the opportunity to teach her students some practical Germane. ‘Seems like a decent pack of youngins’, I thought to myself, my father’s slightly rural twang sneaking into my inner voice. Having had a surprisingly wholesome first interaction with my new students, I could feel my need for mischief building. I’d made a promise to myself, and partially to Twilight, that I wouldn’t drag the students into, well, anything, if I could avoid it, and as such had to be both creative and thoughtful when exercising my usual mayhem.

After all, it wasn’t their fault I was here. It was Twilight’s. Who’s castle I had recently been given accommodations in. And had already had cause to stay in, with time to memorize the floorplan. The only issue was Spike. Not because he was, himself, an issue, but because he and I got along well enough (outside of Ogres and Oubliettes), and he also lived in the castle. Ponyville seemed to have quite the series of obstacles for me to overcome if I wanted to be, well, me. What fun.

Did I say fun? I meant work. Just a lot of it. Headmare Starlight Glimmer spared no time or glee in handing me Pinkie Pie’s rather extensive lesson plans, almost none of which made sense to me. I would have been irate if she hadn’t been humming to herself with the satisfaction of dumping the workload on me. Schaden recognizes schaden. Respect. Apparently, and completely unsurprisingly, Pinkie taught ‘Laughter Class’. Her lesson plans were an impressively extensive series of jokes, puns, and games, but a more thorough inspection revealed a few choice lessons.

Laughing in the face of danger. Being positive in a negative situation for yourself and friends. Things that were and weren’t appropriate to laugh at, such as things that make creatures different, even from one pony to the next. She had an entire quarter of classed devoted to recognizing differences between creatures, learning to draw boundaries, and accepting somecreature for who and what they were. Surprisingly heartfelt stuff.

Followed immediately by eight pages devoted to delivering clever one-liners when the fate of the world was at stake. Not all of the writing seemed to be hers, but I had a slight idea who else might have contributed. A certain cerulean pegasus sprung to mind, in fact. Then another, somewhat louder thought. One that I surely should do something about once I had finished reading these lesson plans and sorting out which ones I could actually teach without raising a small army of mini-mes. Having one was enough, and he lived in another dimension. Which gave me another, louder thought.

So I starting making some notes of my own, alongside my class prep.

A few hours later, I heard yet another bell ring, and what seemed to be the fifth rousing chorus of young voices filled the halls. This one seemed rather much louder, and taking a glance at the clock, I realized the school day was over. I had gone through quite a large amount of paperwork and the like, made a small checklist for myself, and had prepared what could easily be considered a week’s worth of lessons. It helped that, for most days, I would be teaching the same lesson multiple times to different classrooms.

Which also meant I was going to have the same introductory conversation at least five more times. That rather large note card was top of the pile.

A few minutes later, the first of a hoofful of familiar ponies entered the room I was in. The faculty room. Which, under normal circumstances, would have deterred me with it’s ‘Employees Only’ sign. Today, however…

“Schaden? What in tarnation are you- oh. Right. Substitute…” Applejack trailed off, and shuffled to her corner of the room. I could smell the great outdoors from here. Not an unpleasant smell, but a predominant one. There came the sound of shuffling papers from her corner as she sorted through her own pile of work.

The room was rather quite, save for the almost calming sound of paper, hooves, and office supplies. One would think I would be rather uncomfortable in such an environment, but after a few years of doing the paperwork for a certain Prince who couldn’t be arsed, I’d gotten used to it. So I almost didn’t notice when Rarity and Twilight came into the room. I actually didn’t notice when Fluttershy entered, and only became aware of her presence when Rarity greeted her.

The pony who I could NOT have missed, however (sans Pinkie Pie herself, but that was a moot point), was Rainbow Dash. She practically burst into the room with a loud groan. “Maaaaannnn…. Monday’s take forev- the hay? What’s Schaden do- oh yeah. Hey Schaden, what’s up du-”

“Shut,” I said simply, raising a hoof. There was a rather interesting pause right after, as Rainbow Dash wasn’t entirely used to being cut off mid-sentence by ponies that weren’t her friends.

“’Scuse me? I was just-”

“Shut.”

“-dude I’m just-”

“Knock knock.”

“...who’s… there?” she asked confusedly.

“Shut.”

“But I-”

“Turn down for SHUT.”

“Oh that’s real-”

“Shutty buddy.”

“Would you-”

“Bigger Longer and un-SHUT.”

“Wait, doesn’t-”

“Shut.”

“I-”

“You put the lime in the coco-Shut.”

“But-”

“Have you checked your shuthole?”

“-”

“Shut.”

“But I didn’t even say anything that time!”

“That was a preemptive shut. I have a whole saddlebag full of SHUT with your name on it. Won it scoring a hole in one at the shut-shut golf course. SHUT.”

The rest of the room, seemingly greatly entertained by the exchange, had stayed quite to watch. I am, above all else, extremely entertaining to bystanders.

“...Hey Rarity, can you-”

“SHUT.”

“OH COME ON!”

Lesson Three: Know Your Audience

I don’t think I’ve ever been nervous before. Not this nervous, anyway. Sure, I had a pretty straightforward lesson plan, and the other teachers had assured me that, while still children, the students were easy to deal with for a little less than an hour at a time. However, there was still that little voice in my head who was significantly more confident that I’d screw this up than I was in getting it right.

You see, beyond my current capacity as Prince Blueblood’s walking child safety lock, I had never been that great at holding jobs for long periods of time. Mostly due to my winning personality. More than once due to my inability to suffer the raw entitlement of the average consumer. There also might be a nonzero number of jobs I’ve lost because the Princess had to come fire me herself.

None of those jobs, however, had ever put me in charge of somepony else. Even in my current position, I do still work for Blueblood. Just with… provisions. But instructing an entire class of children to follow directions, impart life lessons onto them, and maintain my composure for an hour at a time, six times a day, five times a week? I was starting to feel a little out of my depth. For buck’s sake, I only got certified as a substitute so I could help Derpy finish her GED.

I did, however, have a plan. In a rare moment of consideration from Twilight (Rare in that it applied to me. She was very considerate of other creatures.), she had given me a solid piece of advice: your first lesson should be simple, nonspecific, and require no take-home. She was very insistent that I not be the teacher who gives his class homework on the first day.

So it was with that thought in mind that, after having entered the class, and trading morning greetings with my homeroom students, I had a question. “Alright class, as I’m hoping you remember, my name is Schadenfreude.”

“Kind of hard to forget,” said the blue griffin. Gallus, I believe.

“That’s one,” I said, not looking at him. “Now, as you may also remember, my name means ‘malicious glee’. Which, from some creature’s point of view,” I raised an eyebrow at Twilight, sitting in the back of the class with a pen and more than one pad of paper, who raised an eyebrow back, “Means I am both uniquely qualified and distinctly unqualified to take over Laughter Class. So I thought about what that means. There’s a lot of reasons to laugh. I happen to have a special talent that encourages creatures to laugh at each other, and, hopefully, themselves. So, while I can understand your reluctance to learn from somepony like me, let me tell you a secret.”

Twilight raised both eyebrows at this, as ‘let me tell you a secret’ was typically my code for ‘you are absolutely not supposed to know this but there are no rules preventing me from informing you’. “This is… well, not my deepest secret, that might actually kill you,” I mused, only half-joking. Having a social life even tangentially involving the Princesses on a regular basis led to some rather terrifying life experiences, even if they did their best to fix it.

Gallus, who had simply scoffed at me in response earlier, interrupted with “Yeah, right. Are we gonna die of laughter?”

“That’s two. No, this isn’t my deepest secret, but it is one only three living creatures outside of this room know. One is my girlfriend. One is my best friend, Discord-” a statement that roused quite a bit more attentive ness out of a class that was slowly fading, “- and the last one is Princess Celestia.”

“Hold the phone,” Gallus almost yelled. “You’re best friends with Discord?!”

I didn’t answer immediately. Instead, I trotted up to his desk, which was in the front row, left corner, sat down in front of it, and stared at him for a second. “That’s three, kid.” I said quietly. He gave me a concerned look. “CONGRATULATIONS!” I shouted, throwing a good half pound of confetti in the air above his head. After which I immediately returned to my podium at the front of the class before any of it could settle on me. Gallus, however, had no such reflexes.

“BLEH! PTAH! Oh for cluck’s sake it’s freakin’ EVERYWHERE!”

“And that, class, is what happens when you don’t raise your… foreleg to be called on,” I explained calmly, with a rather typical-of-me-smile. Twilight hadn’t moved from her seat in the back, looking as though her entire body was fighting between hysterical laughter and yelling at me. She settled for excusing herself from the room for a moment.

The rest of the class, however, had no such reservations. There was quite a bit of chortling, guffaws, and hollers at Gallus’s expense. I waited about half a minute for the roar to die down, and raised a hoof. “Class!” I exclaimed. “I have way more where that came from, and that’s before dipping into Miss Pinkie Pie’s reserves. Settle down, please.”

The noise died down a bit, although there was still some murmuring and giggles. Unavoidable, but tolerable. Like me. “Gallus, next time it’s glitter. Now, class, this actually leads directly into my first lesson, and the secret I was going to tell you.” I saw the door open just a crack, and heard some barely stifled giggles from the hall. Apparently Twiggles’ curiosity overcame her desire to not laugh in her student’s face, just a tiny bit.

“Now,” I continued, brushing a lone bit of confetti off my shoulder. There’s always one. “I’ve been telling creatures all my life that my special talent is finding what most annoys a person and pressing that particular button till it almost breaks, to great comedic effect. This is… only partially true. That’s how I choose to manifest my talent, a distinction I will be teaching you about later. But my first lesson to you is also my most personal secret: my special talent is actually teaching ponies to laugh at themselves; to not take themselves seriously; and to teach them when it’s appropriate to laugh at, or with, others. Like many of your teachers, and at some point, many of you, either past or present, I have been known to take my own interpretation of my talent too far.

“This will be the lesson you’ll be learning this week. Take, for example, Gallus here,” I said, gesturing at the distinctly not-just-blue-anymore griffin, who had slowly given up on getting the last traces of shredded paper out of his fur and feathers. “It’s biodegradable, kid, by the way,” I told him. “A blowdryer will get rid of most of it, and a hot shower will do the rest. Don’t worry about what’s on the floor, I’ll clean that up between classes.”

Turning my attention back to the majority of the room, and just in time for Twilight to open the door and come back, I continued, “I didn’t stop you all from laughing at Gallus because he brought that upon himself. A quick, harmless prank in reaction to breaking a class rule. Yes, I have read the class rules, yes, I have memorized them, yes, Miss Smolder, that means taking your feet off the desk. That’s one AND two.”

The young dragon looked a bit sheepish, and gave Gallus a wary glance before putting her feet down. “What I would not have tolerated, however, is if Gallus had hurt himself somehow, and you had laughed at that. I understand that, given the absolute melting pot this school has become, there are some distinct cultural differences you all are still addressing. What is a harmless joke to a yak might be a terrible insult to a pony, and vise-verca. We have all lived very different lives, and have all experienced the world in different ways. While I can’t teach you everything about everything, I will be doing my best to help you pick on on general social cues and décor that will help you tell the difference between a genuinely harmless joke and malicious teasing or insults. A fine line that I have spent the greater part of my life learning to tightrope walk with great efficacy. While I absolutely do not encourage you all to do the same, just knowing where the line is will make a huge difference.”

The room had become a bit more solemn after my little speech, but that didn’t stop Yona from raising her hoof. “Yes, Miss Yona?”

“So Yona should not call Princess Celestia spider-hooves?”

“Yona that is objectively the funniest thing I have heard in months and you should absolutely NEVER EVER DO THAT.”

I had finally reached the end of the day, and was shoveling the small pile of confetti that had accumulated in the corner of the room over six class periods into a bucket. I heard a familiar hoofstep behind me as I worked, and said, without looking up, “What up Twiggly-Wiggly?” I grunted around the tiny shovel in my mouth.

“Oh for buck’s sake I will never ever get past that name,” Twilight sighed. “I just came by to say you did a decent job today. Although I was a bit surprised at you. I mean, I know you have an honest, earnest side, and know when to take yourself seriously, but I didn’t think you’d get so… personal so quickly. But I have to ask, is that really your true special talent, or were you just making stuff up to get the class to focus?”

I dumped the last bit of confetti into the bucket, save for a tiny pile in the corner, and turned my attention to Twilight. Spitting the shovel out into a nearby box, I replied, “Nah, that’s real.”

“So if it’s such a big secret, why did you tell all of your classes?” she asked, tilting her head.

I shrugged, then rolled my shoulders. Didn’t realize how stiff standing on one place chin-wagging for six hours would make me. “Because kids are kids. If I told one class, and made a big deal out of it, eventually the entire school would know, and none of the other classes would take me seriously. All of the other students would have found out eventually, and I like to think it lends to my credibility that they heard it from me first. At this pint it’ll just become common knowledge. That has a lot less power in a schoolyard or classroom than rumors and secrets do.”

Twilight gave a sigh that indicated she knew exactly what I was talking about. “Yeah, that’s true. Good luck trying to keep a secret from any of your students, let alone asking them to keep it for you. I gotta be honest, though, when you started talking about what is and isn’t appropriate between cultures, I thought you were gonna teach them all interspecies swear words or something.”

“As much absolute joy as it would give me to hear a six-year-old pony yell the Hippogriff equivalent of ‘fuck off’ at the top of their lungs in a school hallway, it just would NOT be worth the sheer volume of trouble I would land in if any of you learned it came from me. Now,” I said, gesturing to the door. “Faculty lounge?”

Twilight smiled. “Sure. Although, I do want to talk about that spider-hooves thing.”

“Hey, you know the Rules. It can only be prohibited if I’ve already done it once,” I said sternly.

“Oh, I know. But I absolutely need to be there when you do.”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“SHUT.”

Author's Note

Been waiting to drop that particular piece of lore for a long, looooong time.

Lesson Four: Know Your Teammates

I knew I was going to learn things, being a substitute teacher. I had no illusions about the fact that I still had much to learn about the world, having rarely left Equestria, and having spent most of my life benefiting at least on some level from the opulence of Canterlot. What I did not expect, however, was to learn exactly how much I had to teach these kids. I thought I was going to just barrel through some pre-made lesson plans, maybe have a wacky friendship adventure, and most undoubtedly infuriate a national hero or two. I was surprised how much of myself, and my life experiences, I could teach these bright-eyed youths.

“Kid you really don’t wanna put that in your mouth unless you’re not entirely attached to the idea of having one.”

“No, Gallus, you can’t come out of the corner yet.”

“DO NOT. READ. THE LATIN. Carved INTO the skeleton. OUT LOUD.”

“No, Gallus, the Princess does not float everywhere, although I can see where you’d get the idea.”

“I really wouldn’t try and overlap Starswirl’s Temporal Tampering and Clover the Clever’s Clockfixer Enchantment just to make lunch last longer. It might work, but there’s a distinct possibility it won’t UN-work.”

“No, Gallus, the painting doesn’t UN-tilt. Ask Princess Twilight. No, seriously, go ask her. I want to watch.”

“”Enochian actually sounds more like cloister bells and bone grinding if both have vocal chords. Go ahead, ask me how I know.”

“No, Gallus, birds can’t have fleas. And no, asking a griffin isn’t a better idea.”

So my second full day on the job was going great. I knew it would be a different story with Princess Twilight out of the room, but apparently my idea of sharing the secret about my special talent had worked too well to endear myself to the student. They seemed to see me as less of a teacher and more of just ‘some dude who’s here while Pinkie Pie isn’t. Although a large part of that might be holdover from their relationship with Pinkie herself.

The bell had just rung for lunch and my class was emptying out. After a minute or so, however, I noticed a small-ish presence in the room. In fact, I might not have noticed her at all until she said something if not for all the time I inadvertently spend with Fluttershy via Discord. Apparently she and Derpy were good friends, and enjoyed the idea of ‘double dating’. I didn’t have a problem with it, but Discord seemed to have two settings: Fluttershy, and the entire rest of the world. The dial didn’t really like being set in-between.

However, all that time had gotten me used to somepony who had a habit of being almost deathly quiet even when they were trying to get someone’s attention. So after about a second of what I first thought was an empty classroom, I noticed there was someone on the other side of the cream cheese and cucumber sandwich I was about to do awful things to with my teeth.

“Hello, Ocellus.”

“Hi, Mr. Freude, um…”

“Schadenfreude, actually. It’s one word. My last name is… best not repeated by children. Freude is actually a separate pony altogether. Most everyone calls me Schaden.”

“Oh! Ok… then…” she said apprehensively. Yeah, you try explaining what Douchehorse means to a bunch of extremely talkative children in a small town. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“Go right ahead.”

“You’ve… worked with changelings before, correct?”

I paused for a moment, as questions like this are usually landmines. Coming from an adult, it would usually follow a long and irritable explanation of whatever I just did wrong. Coming from a kid, let alone the only changeling in the entire town, it could mean a bunch of things. “Not extensively, although I’ve had occasion to speak with their delegates at length.”

She nodded with a smile. “That’s actually what I wanted to ask you about. I understand the changeling delegation has an office and quarters in Canterlot. I was kind of wondering how they’re doing. I don’t really know them personally, but I know our transition here hasn’t been… easy. Even though it’s been a few years.”

I felt a little bad for this shiny blue student of mine. Equestria didn’t exactly have a great foundation of dealing with other species properly. I mean, our entire foundation story and holiday is based around us learning to put up with each other. I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be a changeling or yak or griffin living here.

What I did know, however, was the delegation she was talking about. Extensively. “Oh yes. I know the changeling diplomats you’re referring to. I may or may not have spent a few ill-advised weekends at their embassy. Ill-advised as in adults doing things they would absolutely tell a kid not to do,” I elaborated, seeing the hesitation on her face. “While we aren’t good friends the way you and your classmates are, I do have a good rapport with them. To more directly answer your question, I’ve been told that it has gotten a lot easier for them over the last couple of years. The work Twilight and her friends are doing spreading the word of ‘Friendship’ across the world has made a dramatic difference. Not to mention the efforts of a one King Thorax. Who, before you ask, I’ve only ever met once.”

“That’s good,” she said. Well, more sighed in relief. “As much as I love it here at school, and in Equestria, there are still some ponies who… aren’t particularly welcoming.”

It was my turn to sigh. “Kid, you’re gonna run into that no matter where you go. While I’m not the best person to refer to for the common experience of ponies everywhere, I can tell you even the most average, kind, and respectful ponies will always have someone somewhere who doesn’t like them. While having so many different creatures mulling about and interacting with each other is absolutely a good thing, it comes with a wide spectrum of individuals, not all of whom are comfortable with everyone and everything.”

“I know,” she said sadly. “It’s getting better, but I do wish it would happen faster.”

“Agreed,” I replied with a dry smile. “Now, I do have a few questions for you, if I may?”

Again with the apprehensive look. “I… guess?”

“To be frank, I’m kind of surprised you spoke to me so readily. I know you had a few questions at my introduction, and my first class, but you seem to be, if you don’t mind me saying so, mostly a quiet person.”

“Well,” she said sheepishly. “You were the first teacher I’ve had that didn’t do a double take when they saw there was a changeling in their class. Besides, I asked Miss Fluttershy and some other teachers about you, and they said that, while you could be annoying, you were basically harmless. Miss Flutter even said you had a very polite streak in you.”

“Well, her perception of me might be a bit skewed by context, but I’d like to think that they’re mostly correct. I do have a reputation for being an absolute… how did the ambassador say it… chink in the chitin?” To which she responded by dissolving into a fit of very quiet giggles. “But like I mentioned yesterday, and a little this morning, I’ve spent most of my life learning how to balance my more irritating impulses with the wants and needs of people around me. Although, if I might backtrack a bit, I believe I heard you were the only changeling in Ponyville, right?”

Ocellus shrugged lightly. “Kind of? I commute from the hive to here on weekends, and spend the weekdays with a nice pair of mares in town. Why?”

“Well, given your apparent success here, I just thought King Thorax would be inclined to allow more changelings your age to attend.”

“Well… I wouldn’t call it a rousing success. There’ve been a lot of… adventures? Along the way.”

I felt a knot forming in the back of my neck whenever someone used that word. “I’m starting to thing ‘adventure’ is the local dialect for ‘absolute barn fire of a situation’.”

She gave me the same dry stare I could feel myself settling into. “You have no idea.”

Having ended up spending my whole lunch talking to Ocellus, finishing my first day of classes with… less actual fire than I had been expecting, I had finally trotted back to the faculty lounge. Well, limped. My rear right leg still burned a little, and the icepack duct taped to it had started to melt and shift. I wasn’t the first pony there today, I noticed, my gaze rolling over our esteemed Headmare Starlight Glimmer as I made my way to my seat. Dropping a day’s worth of paper and fire suppressants onto my desk, she gave me a wry smile. “Already got to the ‘kids like things that go fwoosh’ stage, huh?”

“Are you kidding? I live in a building filled to the rafters with Royal Guards for a reason. Adults like things that go ‘fwoosh’. So, I assume you’re not here to ask me to get absolutely ruined on Zap Cider after work,” I mused.

“As much of an absolutely perfect idea as that sounds in the middle of the week, pass,” she drolled. “I just dropped in to check on you. Twilight might be the reason you’re here, but besides her position as a Princess, I am technically your boss. Honorary Archeomancer notwithstanding. So, incidentally, I do need to drop by and make sure that, at the very least, you’re putting out the fires you start.”

“On that note, actually, can you please make it a point in the curriculum to teach these kids basic high school chemistry and physics?” I groaned, shoving the fire blankets I’d dragged in under the desk I was borrowing.

She looked slightly alarmed. “Why in the flying buck would I teach a bunch of hormone-driven teenagers chemistry?”

“One, they are distinctly more cautious and attentive than I feel like that sentence gives them credit for. Two, yes, that is a rather alarming idea by itself, if only because I remember my own high school experiences. And three, so that, should the occasion arise, they know for future reference not to light a spark in the middle of a cloud of chalk dust,” I grunted. I took out another strip of tape to support my failing and very amateurish first aid.

Starlight’s eyes went wide as she noticed my leg. “They didn’t-”

“-set off a small thermobaric explosion in class? Yes, yes they did. Which, after we got both my leg and the chalkboard put out, led me to explain to a group of teenagers exactly what a fuel air explosive is. Let me tell you, that dragon kid, Smolder? Wayyyy happier about that knowledge than I think she should be,” I groaned, resting my head on my desk.

Starlight flinched a little. “Ok, so literally trial by fire day. Well, you’re still alive. Which is at the very least a passing grade. Oh! Speaking of Smolder…” she trailed off.

I lifted my head just enough to see a small orange dragon over the stack of papers in front of me. She, at least, had the common courtesy to look apologetic. Which was a leap in the right direction from “DO THAT AGAIN” half an hour ago. “Uh… Mister Schaden?”

I gave Glimmer a sideways glance, to which she responded with a look that said ‘You’re the adult here’. I’ll be honest, I should have just run away then. “Yes, Smolder?”

“I’m… uh… I’m sorry I lit your legs on fire. And the classroom. And then cheered about it,” she added, seeing my expression.

‘This must be what it feels like to be Celestia whenever somepony comes crawling to her. I caught myself thinking. I made myself sit up straighter and clear the distressing look off my face. “Well, thank you for that. I trust you’ve learned a valuable lesson today about, and I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud stars help me, laughing at someone else’s pain?”

I didn’t even need to look sideways to know Starlight was suppressing a laugh. She wasn’t doing a very good job. Smolder, however, did look genuinely apologetic. “Yes. It’s only funny if it doesn’t actually hurt someone.”

“Good. Now, what else did we learn today?”

“Ignition isn’t just about material composition. Anything with a small enough surface area gathered in large enough quantities is sufficiently dangerous when exposed to an open flame. Also, grain silos are terrifying,” she added.

“Excellent. And finally?”

“...don’t suggest a frozen steak as an ice pack in a room full of herbivores.”

Author's Note

Let me infodump to you about thermobarics, please.

Lesson Five: Check Your Supplies

It wasn’t till after classes were done on Friday that anything particularly special happened. After having been at the school for almost a full week, I was feeling myself grow slowly more paranoid. The longer I spent in Ponyville A town with a reputation for monster attacks, evil overlords, chaos magic, pony-eating EVERYTHING, and Rainbow Dash, the more I was surprised I hadn’t sustained any extensive damage, or been asked to testify in court yet. This was, so far, much easier than being Blueblood’s butler, but nowhere near as amusing. I was starting to miss the shiny little megalomaniac.

I was finding the day ins and day outs of teaching to be at least somewhat rewarding, if not tiresome. Don’t get me wrong, I could absolutely understand why somepony would dedicate their lives to the idea of education, but I was not that somepony. Still, I was just getting started, and had a whole month of shenaniganry to get up to. This evening, however, was reserved for one purpose.

Zap Apples.

I’ll admit I have something of an… affinity for Zap Apples. They’re extremely rare, only sprout for about 5 days after what I am assured is a series of meaningful and mystical portents, and make the best Celestia-be-damned you-will-not-remember-this alcohol from here to the Badlands. The only exception I’ve found being Shuddershock Whiskey, which is both extremely illegal in every country but Equestria because nopony here has even heard of the stuff, and the single most delicious and horrifying experience of my life. I still have nightmares, and would absolutely pile drive someone for another glass. The joys of being friends with certain diplomats.

I’d put in my order over a year ago, just before last year’s harvest, and had learned that the batch from that harvest was just now ready to pick up. If I missed my chance this year I’d have to wait another year for a new batch, and come back to Ponyville for that. Because if you thought harvesting Zap Apples was a pain in the flank, just try fermenting the damn things. They. Do not. Like it.

I. Do.

Thus, I’d met up with a somewhat wary Applejack just outside the school after classes, with the intention of following her to the orchard. “Evening, Applejack.”

She raised an eyebrow at me. “Schaden. Alright, now listen. ‘Fore we go anywhere, I want it made perfectly clear that you aren’t gonna bring any of your practical jokes or whatnot onto my farm. I know y’all have met my family before, but I don’t need you causin’ all kindsa hullabaloo in my house.”

“While your concerns are not unfounded,” I replied, “I can assure you I have no such intentions.”

“And why, praytell, should I believe that?” she asked. “Lemme tell you, normally I’m perfectly good at workin’ out when somepony is lyin’, but you I can never get a good read on. So tell me why I should let you anywhere near my farm when I could just cart the stuff up to you.”

“Well, for one, you’ve been taking Twilight much too seriously when she talks about me. And for two, do you have any idea how much I spent on this order?” I could tell this conversation was going to take a hot minute, and I wasn’t going anywhere till it was done, so I sat down in the grass.

Applejack followed suit. “What, for Zap Cider? Sure it’s hard to come by, but we charge an honest price. We’re no Flim ‘n’ Flam, I’ll tell you that.”

I laughed out loud, which just made her glare at me. “Zap Cider? Applejack, I could have waited in Canterlot for Zap Cider. You think the Everfree Forest is the only place that grows Zap Apples? Nah. Oh they’re rare, I’ll give you that. Extremely so. But not unobtainable. No, besides the fact that your family does have the best prices for literally anything Zap-made, as long as you pick it up yourself instead of going through one of Filthy Rich’s stores, Granny Smith is the only creature on the planet who knows how to make what I’m paying out the nose for.”

Then something weird happened. Applejack got a look on her face that I’d only ever seen a couple of times in my life. One that I’d worn many times, but actually seen someone else express that particular brand of deviousness? The only other creatures I knew that could smile like that were Celestia, Luna, and the other me. “You’re talkin’ ‘bout Zapplejack, aintcha?”

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow. “Maybe. Granny Smith was quite adamant I not mention my purchase by name.”

AJ nodded in understanding, then stood up and motioned for me to follow her. Which I did. “Alright, Schaden, you got my attention. Not a lot of folk know about the stuff, let alone are willin’ to pay what Granny charges.”

“Well, to be fair, most of it is a deposit, in case the batch goes south,” I mused. “The way I understand it is that if she’s not able to ferment it completely, she gives a good chunk of your money back. That way she’s not completely out part of her harvest, and you’re not out a whole month’s rent.”

“That’s a large part of it. You’re also buyin’ a place in line. Can’t tell you how many creatures think they can just march up and ask for a bottle,” she scoffed. “How long ago’d you put your name down?”

“Just before last year’s batch,” I said. “Got a tip from Filthy himself, actually.”

“Filthy Rich told you about it? How d’you even know him?”

“You’d be amazed how much influence Blueblood actually has in some circles. Filthy’s been part of his little social club for years. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get certain permits in Canterlot unless you know the right ponies,” I said dryly.

“I’ll bet. Can’t imagine it’s all above-board, neither,” AJ muttered.

“You’d be surprised,” I said. We’d gotten mostly outside Ponyville proper, and were just hitting the long dirt road to the orchard. “One of my many, many, many, many talents is making sure Blueblood does things by the book. Usually by making sure he knows exactly what happens to him if he doesn’t. Celestia and Luna have always been very adamant that the Royal family is not so above the law as to be untouchable. Otherwise Twilight wouldn’t have had so much trouble with the EEA. Which, if I’m being honest, is a lesson I’m still kind of drilling into Bluey’s head, but he’s got the broader strokes now.”

“And Filthy Rich? We’ve had a couple run-ins with him, but he’s always done good business with the Apple family. I didn’t even know he had stores in Canterlot.”

I smirked a little. “Stores? No. Suppliers. He’s very good at the wholesale-to-department store shtick. All those businesses he opens here? Wouldn’t be half as valuable if you could by straight from the manufacturer just by walking two blocks. Sure, the Zap Jam sells locally, so ponies don’t have to make the trek to the orchard, but there’s a lot of ponies in other cities who sell to him to sell here, and in neighboring towns. Look at it this way: how popular do you think hoofball is in Canterlot? Not as a professional sport, but as a hobby?”

AJ has to ruminate on that a little. “Can’t imagine all those expensive frou-frou types like getting’ down and dirty just for fun. You know what I mean,” she added, seeing the grin on my face.

“I do. Now imagine living in Canterlot and finding your special talent is making hoofball gear. Or farming equipment. Not everypony’s ready to move their whole life just because nobody local wants to buy what they’re selling. Filthy’s really good at sniffing out ponies, or creatures, like that, and giving them a chance to sell their wares and stay where they are. He might… bend a couple rules here and there, and of course there’s the issue of thinking money solves everything, but he’s not some horrible tycoon. I’ve met real tycoons. They punch way above his weight class,” I said almost gloomily. Fortunately, it was not my job to deal with such greedy creatures.

“So how’d you get him to tip you off about the whiskey?” she asked. The orchard was coming into view over the hill, as was the sunset. “He’s been tryin’ to get Granny Smith to sell for years, can’t imagine he’d give away a lead that good for nothin’.”

“Well, for one, I’m not looking to resell it,” I answered. “For two, ponies tend to be grateful when you point out the numerous commercial regulations their competitors are in violation of. Filthy prides himself in being above board, much to the annoyance of certain politicians and businessfolk, and takes almost as much joy in ripping out the rug from under anyone who thinks the laws don’t apply to them. We have a kind of standing agreement that way: he gets one up on his competitors, or eliminates them almost entirely; I get to watch a greedy, money-grubbing, manipulative capitalist bite the dirt so hard his next three meals taste like earthworms.”

AJ gave me the same raised eyebrow as before, but with a little less suspicion. “Twilight said you had a knack for takin’ folk down a peg or two that needed it. Alright, guess I don’t mind you takin’ home a bottle or two of my hard work.”

“...Your hard work?”

“Why d’you think we call it Zapplejack?”

“Partner, that is a lot more than one or two bottles,” AJ said almost in awe, staring at the large rainbow crate I was currently trying not to rip open with my teeth. She turned to Granny Smith, who had met us in the back of a smaller shed on the corner of the farm. “Granny, why’d you sell him so much! I know we got larger harvests the last couple years, but that’s like givin’ away the farm!”

Granny waved a hoof dismissively, the rest of her leaning on a bale of hay. “Oh hush! You should be thankin’ the little troublemaker! He’s the whole reason we got such big harvests now!”

“An’ how’s that?” she asked dangerously, giving me some serious side-eye.

“You remember how I told you the Everfree Forest isn’t the only place that grows Zap Apples?” I said. “Well, there’s a particularly spicy thicket of ‘em just south of the Sand Lands, where the Sphinx nation is. Long story short I saved their country, and by proxy the world, from their tyrant overlord. Turns out they really appreciated that. So, when I was bartering the price last year, I dropped a line to their local watering hole, and got a few worthwhile tips for handling, growing, and fermenting Zap Apples. By which I mean someone over there wrote a whole damn book about it and sent me a copy, which I then forwarded to Granny Smith alongside a really almost extortionate amount of bits.”

“Wait, that was you?! I remember countin’ that money! Where’d you get it all?!” AJ barked.

“Applejack, I work directly for a Prince, by order of a Princess, and have room and board covered,” I explained. “Literally the only things I spend money on are pranking supplies, which I now get cheap having made friends with a particular party pony, who I really aught to pay a visit to soon, and my marefriend, who, when she gets back from Cloudsdale next weekend, is going to join me in getting absolutely SAUCED on this stuff. On top of that, I’m well acquainted -by virtue of keeping Blueblood out of their damn business- with a whole host of diplomats -griffins notwithstanding, they’re still mad at me- a couple of rather accomplished businessmen, and, once again, the royal family. Money has never, ever, ever been an issue. Although it is worth mentioning that I’m banned from most places in Canterlot that I would even go to spend it in the first place.”

“Even assumin’ I believe all that, how di I know you’re not gonna do somethin’ absolutely stupid with all that whiskey?” AJ demanded.

“Do you want me to answer that, or do you want to spend the next three hours helping me get absolutely TARNISHED on this stuff?”

“Don’t try ‘n’ change the subject! That’s way too much booze for one pony!” she shouted, stomping a hoof.

Again, I laughed, again, she glared at me. “One pony? Applejack, I just said I’m friends with several ambassadors, businessmen, and royal family members. Unlike Ponyville, friendship like that isn’t free. Not to mention the absolute tanning I’d get if Princess Luna found out I’d bought all this good shit and didn’t share.”

“...so you’re not an alcoholic?” AJ said after a long pause, having calmed down a little.

“AJ, they don’t even let me buy alcohol in Ponyville. Anymore. The last time I got plastered was Nightmare Night last year.”

Granny Smith chuckled from her corner. “He-he, yeah. That was a good ‘un. Speakin’ ‘o’ which, you gonna be round again this year?”

AJ looked between Granny and I. “Wait… you mean to tell me it was you two makin’ all that ruckus in the wood last year? You scared the bejeesus outta Applebloom an’ her friends!”

“Three of us,” I corrected. “Princess Luna loves cider, Zap or not. And Nightmare Night. And since I’m gonna be substituting till next month, it’s a safe bet I’ll be here for the holiday. Her, too, since she has the excuse of ‘checking in on me to make sure I’m fulfilling my community service obligations’.”

Applejack looked like she was getting a headache. “Twilight was right, bringin’ you to Ponyville years ago was a terrible idea.”

“Yes it was, now hush up and help me open this thing so you two can whip my hide at shots.”

Lesson Six: Old Pony, New Tricks

“Oh, sweet Celestia, how much did I have?” Applejack groaned. Applebloom helped her with a glass of water, as she was curled up on her bed beneath a large blanket. Granny Smith was still fast asleep, up in her room, sawing logs like she was building a cabin.

Bloom looked at her older sister reproachfully. “Y’all know better than t’ challenge Granny Smith like that!”

“I didn’t challenge nothin. That varmint Schadenfreude’s the one who got Granny all riled up for drinkin’,” AJ argued.

“An’ who’s the pony too stubborn t’ walk away from a drinkin’ contest?” Bloom retorted.

“...’s not mah fault. He said somethin’ about pacin’ myself cause I didn’t need to impress nopony. Made it sound like I was some little filly just drinkin’ the milk too fast.”

“tch,” Applebloom made a disapproving noise. “So you let the stallion with a reputation for makin’ trouble stick a key in your back an’ wind you up? Thank Celestia Rainbow Dash wasn’t there, y’all woulda killed yourselves.”

AJ felt a tinge of guilt, knowing her little sister was right. Schaden had of course been goading her, knowing she only had herself to blame if she fell for it. Ain’t a creature in Ponyville could outdrink Granny Smith. Even the brown-and white troublehorse had known that. “Well, he probably ain’t doin’ much better anywho. Where is he?”

“Schaden? He left like an hour ago, fit as a fiddle. Told me t’ tell you thanks fer the crate, and drink plenty of water,” Bloom said, refilling the cup from a nearby jug on the nightstand.

“Wait, so he’s fine?!” AJ barked, then flinched as her voice echoed in her head.

“Not a hair out of place,” Bloom said with a chuckle.

“...I hate him.”

I felt great. You ever feel great? I felt great. I had a whole two days off work, an extremely generous supply of barely-legal booze to send home (not all of it, mind. I still had a few weeks left, and a few friends to share with), and literally nothing on my schedule.

So much to do.

My first stop was Sugarcube corner, to check in on Pinkie Pie, grab some breakfast, and maybe poke my nose in somepony’s business. The bell rang lightly above my head as I stepped into the shop, and was instantly assaulted by the color pink. Like my retinas had sold out and accepted pink as their new sponsor. Of course, part of that was Pinkie Pie, waving frantically behind the counter as I walked in, over the shoulder of a rather long line of ponies.

Ah, my first idea.

See, I did not get hangovers like normal ponies. No headaches, no nausea, just… shenanigans. Over the years, I’ve discovered that a large part of my more irritating tendencies depends largely on my mood. Sometimes a joke is just too good to pass up, but for the most part, my penchant for obnoxiousness is largely tied to a small Schadenometer in the back of my head that reads ‘Professional Courtesy’ on one side and ‘Discord Was Here’’ on the other.

Hangovers tend to bury the needle in the red. There’s a reason I’m not allowed to buy any for myself or by proxy in Canterlot. In Canterlot.

Another thing I’ve discovered in my travels is that most ponies don’t tend to pay too much attention to others when they’re waiting for something. They’re only focused on when the line gets shorter, and figuring out what to do when it’s their turn. Or talking to the creature next to them in line. Nopony likes waiting in line, and usually doesn’t care too much about the feelings of anypony else suffering the same fate.

Which is why they don’t usually notice the pony singing under their breath while they’re waiting. I mean, we all do it. Nothing special, right?

“..I am Ornery the Eighth I am, Ornery the Eighth I am I am…” I muttered.

I heard the stallion in front of my start humming the same tune. “...I got married to the widow next door, she’d been married seven times before…”

Then the griffin behind me. “...every one was an Ornery. Ornery the Eighth I am I am, Ornery the Eighth I am…”

There was a slight pause, and I said quietly, “...second verse, same as the first…”

I left Sugarcube corner with a large supply of doughnuts in a saddlebag, and made my way over to Carousel Boutique, as somepony at a table near the door grumbled ‘Eleventh verse, same as the first…’ over a half-eaten croissant. Pinkie Pie herself had been doing well, but rather busy, and so I’d made my order and left.

The boutique I actually had a reason for visiting; the chalk cloud that caught fire earlier in the week had singed some of my work clothes and Rarity had volunteered to repair them. Well, demanded was a better word, as she’d almost fainted when she saw the burn marks. Which has better than her initial reaction to my outfit, by far.

I’m pretty sure that qualified as attempted murder.

Once again, the bell above the door rang lightly as I walked in, and set my bag off to the side. No point in risking Rarity’s wrath over doughnut powder on fine fabrics. “Coming!” I heard her say from a back room. “Ah, Schaden! Perfect timing! Come in, I have your things ready for you.”

“You don’t need to take my measurements again, do you?” I asked cautiously, having flashbacks to the last time I’d asked her to make me something. My back leg twitched involuntarily.

“Hardly. After your third date with Derpy I’ve had a mannequin of you at the ready for whenever something explodes near you,” she said dryly, her horn lighting up. A rather thin mannequin adorned with my usual suit rolled out from behind a rack of dresses and came to a halt nearby.

“I feel it necessary to point out that almost nothing in Canterlot explodes when I’m near it,” I drawled.

Rarity gave me a sardonic grin. “Quite. They usually wait for Twilight and company to arrive. Now, I trust this…” she gestured to the outfit on the model, struggling not to use any pejoratives, “Is sufficient?” she finished with an eye twitch.

“Naturally. I usually buy off-the-rack-”

“Please don’t say those words in this store,” she groaned.

“-as I was saying, my… usual shopping habits are rather… pedestrian, so I’m always pleasantly surprised with your designs. Even if you aren’t too fond of my particular tastes,” I conceded.

“Schaden, as pleasant as you are to have around,” she said, and to her credit I only detected the smallest amount of sarcasm, “Working on your particular wardrobe feels like self-flagellation, and I have worked in Manehattan.”

“Ok, ow,” I said with a laugh. “At least I didn’t ask for anything that glowed in the dark.”

Rarity glanced sideways at the rack of dresses she’d pulled the mannequin away from. “Yes, well… Ponyville’s clientele has always been a bit eccentric. Not to mention I have a laundry list of ponies who’s favorite colors seemed to be pulled from my nightmares. Magenta, honestly.”

I felt a familiar lightbulb kick on in my head. One that had been flickering threateningly all morning. Followed shortly by a rather Twilight-shaped idea. “Did you know magenta doesn’t actually exist?”

Rarity scoffed over her shoulder on her way to a nightstand. “Right, darling. Next you’ll tell me brown doesn’t either.”

“Well… technically it doesn’t?”

“...excuse me?”

“Just something Twilight taught me,” I said casually. “Apparently because we only have two color cones- those are things in our eyes that perceive color, she said- one for blue and one for like, yellow kind of? So your eyes are only designed to pick up these specific colors. See, vision works by picking up signals on the electromagnetic spectrum and translating it through the color cones in our eyes. Technically speaking, we only see those two. Everything else is guesswork your brain does based on averaging out the difference. Like, if you ‘see’ a color between blue and yellow, or something like red, it’s your brain making an estimated guess based on what colors it can see, and what frequency of light is is seeing. I’m no great shakes at explaining it, but basically every single color you’re seeing outside of blue and a very specific shade of yellow are made up by your brain. We actually have no idea what half these ‘colors’ are in reality!”

“Whu… wah… I don’t… what?” Rarity stuttered.

“Oh, but it’s fine, because the vast majority of ponies process color in exactly the same way, barring stuff like colorblindness, so even if reality says that color isn’t what you think it is, to the best of our knowledge our brains are all telling us the exact same lie! So, like, whatever your brain thinks brown is, there’s a high probability everyone else’s brains think the exact same thing,” I added.

“I… can you… what… no. Just no. Just grab your stuff and leave. I’m going to have a very serious conversation with Twilight about letting you near… facts,” she grumbled, taking the outfit off the model and wrapping it just a tad hastier than was necessary. She certainly gave it to me quicker than I expected.

I happily packed the outfit into my saddlebag, put the bag on, and waved goodbye. “Have a great day!”

“...yes, fne. You too, Schaden.”

On my way back to the middle of town, I passed a pony grumbling under their breath “...I am Ornery the Eighth I am…” and smiled. Then I spotted Rainbow Dash.

Now, Rainbow and I have built a kind of… rivalry. My particular taste in pranks is vastly different from hers. She seems to take this as a challenge, and we’ve slowly been escalating since. I will have to check my luggage before I leave town.

“Hey Rainbow Dash!” I said cheerfully. She looked down from her Napping Cloud™, and saw me waving. “Oh, hey,” she said lazily, and rolled off. Coming to a stop about a foot above me in the air, she said, “What’s up, Schaden? Heard you got plastered with AJ last night. I mean, I heard it. Was flying past the orchard and you guys were makin’ some noise.”

“Surprised you didn’t join us,” I replied.

“I would’ve, but then I heard Granny Smith hollering. And the last time I tried to drink with that mare I woke up literally two days later. Slept through an entire day,” she groaned, reliving what I’m sure was a most grievous hangover.

“Yeah… AJ’s not doin’ too hot,” I said sympathetically. She might have done it to herself, but she did seem to be in pretty bad shape. I’d have to drop by with some apology fries later.

“So howsit you’re walking around just fine?”

Click went the lightbulb. “Same way you’re flying. One muscle at a time. Like breathing. Did you know you’re breathing right now?”

“Well duh, of course I’m breathing.”

“And flapping your wings. Both at the same time. Amazing.”

“Well yeah, it’s not hard. You just-” she stumbled a little in mid-air. “You just flex muscles and-” another stumble. “Oh you are such an a-hole,” she groaned, now unable to get her mind off the idea of flying and breathing simultaneously. Now that she was paying attention to it, her brain had gone into manual override. “Ok, it’s fine. Just relax…” she said slowly. “One thing at a time. Breathe…” she added through gritted teeth. Her slight imbalance wore off as she steadied herself in the air. “Man I hate that.”

“See? Good job!” I said cheerfully. “Gotta run though, couple more things I wanna do today,” I said, trotting away. She didn’t seem to stressed about me leaving. “Happy tongue awareness day!” I called back over my shoulder.

“...oh bite me!” she yelled, then flew back to her cloud.

I made my way back to the castle, still feeling the urge to mess with somepony. Like an itch in the small of your back. It was, appropriately, annoying. I almost approved. Stashing my clothes and what was left of the doughnuts in my room, I set about the castle looking for a distraction. Or a victim. Too bad Twilight had sent away most, if not all, of the staff Celestia had tried to make her keep. The guards still kind of stuck around though, even if they weren’t very obvious.

I thought about poking my head in the library, but Twilight had gone out of her way to inform me that I was, in no uncertain terms, absolutely banned. Of course, there was still the study, the laboratory, and a wide assortment of other rooms that just happened to have books in them, but they were, alas, seldom used nowadays, and thus not particularly worth the effort. Plus I could only ever find them reliably half the time.

Not that, on this particular day, I needed to. A rather familiar collection of voices echoed down a nearby hallway, and I felt the need to investigate.

What I found was a small table surrounded by some very familiar unicorns. Twilight, Trixie, and Starlight were all gathered around a rather impressively large tome, engaged in a rather animated discussion about something.

“And I’m telling you, Starlight, Clover the Clever’s Mountain Moving is absolutely overkill! We don’t need to move the entire hill, just bend it a bit!”

“And I’m telling YOU, Twilight Sparkle, that a simple Terraforming Cantrip isn’t enough! We’d have to spend weeks casting it over and over, even with all three of us working together!”

“Well, Trixie still thinks you could just, like, blow it up!”

Twilight sighed. “It’s called precision blasting, Trixie, and it’s both extremely draining to do magically on ths scale, and extremely expensive to do without magic.”

“Hi girls!” I cheered, trotting into the room. I made myself comfortable on a nearby lounge chair.

Twilight looked up long enough to say “Hello, Schaden,” then turned to the book.

The other two mares seemed distinctly less happy to see me. “Oh wonderful, he’s back,” Trixie groaned.

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Yeah, he’s been staying here all week. He’s a substitute teacher at the school.”

Trixie’s eyes threatened to pop out of her skull. “What?! Who gave him a teaching degree?!”

“Substitute,” Twilight repeated. “He’s only here for a month, then back to Canterlot. I’d say thank Celestia but this was her idea.”

Trixie’s eyebrow twitched. “Of course it was. Just… whatever. Where were we? Oh yeah, blowing stuff up.”

Starlight groaned. “We are NOT detonating half a mountainside. We can just MOVE it-”

“Only a little bit at a time! If we try to move half the mountain at once the loose soil will bury half a town!”

“...Ok, what in the name of Starswirl’s sweat-stained robe belt are you all arguing about?” I asked, for once almost completely lost.

Twilight sighed. “There’s a mountain in the Griffon kingdom with a rather large reservoir that they haven’t been able to access properly. I mentioned to the griffon ambassador that we might be able to magically shape the mountain to provide a small runoff river to make it easier to access the water, but so far all of our options are either too slow to make the griffins happy, or too fast to control the water flow.”

“...I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and say the giant alicorn laser thing you buried Tirek with won’t cut it?”

“You mean the one I could only cast with the combined strength of three alicorns, and with barely more control than Pinkie Pie has in a toy store? No.”

“Then I got nothing,” I conceded. “Most of the terraforming magic and techniques are in the regular library, which I’m not allowed access to without a guard escort, and the Restricted Section’s response to a mountain in the way is usually apocalyptic in nature. Also they’re very boring.”

“The apocalypse is boring?!” Starlight snapped.

“No- I mean the terraforming stuff. I was never big on natural sciences, and I can’t do magic, so…”

“Didn’t stop you from reading every book in the Restricted Section twice,” Twilight chided, almost playfully.

“No it did not,” I agreed “Although there were a couple books in the back that I haven’t read. One of them tried to eat me, and another was just… moist. Not even the shelf or the wall it was on. Just that one book.”

Twilight shuddered. “Please don’t say that word again.”

“What word, shelf?” Starlight said.

I felt a smile tug at the corner of my mouth.

“No.”

“Wall?” I asked, trading glances with Trixie. She raised an eyebrow, then the other, as something in her head clicked into place.

“NO.”

“Ooohhhh,” Twixie, Starlight, and I said together. “Moooiiiissstt.”

“What’s wrong, Twilight, you never been to Moist Lake City?” I chided.

Trixie shook her head. “I think she’s only been to Moisthatten.”

“We should ALL go to Moisthatten,” Starlight said excitedly. “The moist the merrier!”

“I’ll moist my calendar,” I agreed.

“Do you think we should catch a show on Moistway?”

“Only if it’s William Moistspear.”

“To moist or not to moist, am I right?”

“I preferred a Moistsummer Night’s Dream.”

“Moist Ado About Nothing is a favorite of mine.”

Twilight launched herself off the couch at me. “SHUT.”

Lesson Seven: Don't Believe Everything You Read

Author's Note

I hate how little I upload, but I'm working on things.

Lesson Seven: Don't Believe Everything You Read

Monday morning was shaping up to be a rather unique and, well, joyous experience. You see, while my own school days were rather typical of an earth pony (silence, you), there were a few events I had been barred from early and often. I wasn’t allowed near Homecoming after the first one, I only ever got to attend my junior prom, and let’s just say the school security who usually guarded sporting events knew me from a mile away.

So it was to quite a few confused and concerned faces that I burst through the front door of the school with a bright smile, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, trailing behind me a large cart making an assortment of noises as it rolled. I was not surprised, of course, to be stopped less than a hallway in by both Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer.

“Schadenfreude, what in the Tartarus are you doing?” Twilight demanded.

“Well, Miss Sparkle, I am taking an active, avid, and enthusiastic interest in the education system!”

Starlight shuddered. “That might be the scariest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“I can fix that,” I said through a wide grin.

“DON’T.” They both exclaimed. I could hear the period at the end of the sentence.

“I mean, what’s in the cart?” Twilight grumbled.

I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “Some medals, a couple books, some weights, a few things that I don’t really understand what they do, but my students were very insistent they needed them. And don’t worry, I checked everything in the cart against the school’s contraband list. I’m very good at lists.”

I could see Twilight’s mouth twitch into an involuntary smile. Only for a second. Ah, microexpressions, will you ever stop being useful? “At least somepony reads the list,” Twilight said with a huff. A couple of foals trotting by flinched at the side-eye their school founder was giving them. “So why do you need all of this? You said your students needed this stuff?”

“Oh yes. You see, I was very careful about reading the rules for our special event today. Any personal items, supplies needed to demonstrate a special skill, or outside books must be either provided by or accompanied by an instructor. And yes, I did read the special provision for substitute teachers. I had Pinkie Pie go over the list yesterday afternoon. She was more than happy to, actually. Seems she misses teaching,” I added.

“And did you provide a written inventory for the headmare as documented in subsection-”

“-three point four dash e? You bet your Cutie Mark I did.” I dug into my jacket and hoffed over a folded piece of paper.

Which Twilight took all of ten seconds to find a problem with. “Ex-cuse me?! How is this not contraband?!”

“You tell me. You wrote the list.”

“Well, yes, I did, but… this should go without say… ing…” she trailed off. “I hate you so much.”

“If it’s not in writing it doesn’t count, Miss Sparkle!” I said cheerfully, and trotted my happy arse down the hall to my classroom, leaving two very frustrated heads of school glaring at a piece of paper.

“I hate Show and Tell day,” Starlight groaned.

“-and this is the tail of the manticore we had for Dragonfest dinner last year!” Smolder said happily, waving the last of her ‘trophies’ in the air. The wide assortment of creature parts and charred whatevers were, apparently, the dragon equivalent of a photo album. They also took up the vast majority of the cart I’d been dragging around.

While the majority of the class looked, well, physically ill, Gallus was almost salivating at some of the displays. Having caught his expression in the corner of her eye, Smolder quickly bagged the lot and tied it off. I guess she still had a thing or two to learn about foreign diets.

“-and this last one is a photo of my tail!” exclaimed Silverstream, to a less than enthused class. I noticed a few of them had gone to sleep somewhere around the third wing photo, but Silver was far too enamored with showing off her photography hobby to her classmates to notice that, largely, they didn’t share her enthusiasm.

“Thank – *yawn* - thank you Silverstream. I hope next time you have more photos to show us, of more things.”

“Did… did you not like it?” she asked, a little quieter.

I felt a couple of girls from the class glaring daggers into me. Diplomacy mode, activate. “Of course I did. But the point of photography is to show off things creatures couldn’t normally see for themselves, or to preserve memories. It’s much more fun to see you for real than just a photo of you. For example, while that is a great tail photo, it doesn’t quite capture how swooshy your real tail is, does it?”

She looked at the photo, then at her tail. “I guess it doesn’t. Oh, I know! Next time I’ll take photos of my house! You guys haven’t seen my house!” she said gleefully, then took her seat. I gently put her camera back in the cart, and felt the daggers in my students eyes dull considerably.

“-and that is Yona’s favorite song on the yovidaphone!” the yak said proudly. Although I don’t think most of the class heard her.

“Well, thank you for that… energetic rendition of ‘That’s My House’, Yona. I also greatly appreciate you not doing the dance.

“So, Mr. Schadenfreude, what did you bring for Show and Tell day?” asked Ocellus.

I tried playing dumb for a moment. “Why, whatever do you mean?” It was near the start of last period, as Show and Tell day took place entirely in homeroom, for the duration of the day. One of the many reasons it was so popular: you didn’t have to attend regular classes. The noise notwithstanding, nor an explosion or two, it was one of the easier days at the school for teachers. No shuffling students around, changing lesson plans, no handing out homework. Just regular breaks, and back to watching kids show off. But that’s now why I was excited.

“Dude, there’s an entire crate in the corner of the room noone’s touched all day, nor seen before, and we’re all done with our SaT’s. No way you didn’t bring something outrageous to show off,” Gallus remarked snidely.

“That’s two, Gallus.”

“But I-”

“Was actively snoring during Silverstream’s presentation. Manners, young colt. You’d be surprised how much shenaniganerry you can achieve by being polite. Also, yes, I did bring a little something. Or, several. As you know, it is the teacher’s privilege to go last on Show and Tell day, and while they usually only have one or two things to share, you all finished your segments rather quickly. Although some of them were… well, cut short,” I raised an eyebrow at a particlarly singe-y unicorn in the back row wearing a rather familiar, yet smaller, cape and hat. Apparently Trixie had fans. “Now,” I grunted, pushing the crate to the front of the room. “I doubt we can get to everything in here in about forty-five minutes, but I largely brought this stuff with me to quell some of the questions you youngun’s have about my reputation.”

Sandbar rolled his eyes as I popped the lid off with a kick.. “Oh, like you have your Class 2 Archeomancer’s broach in… their…” he trailed off, as that was the first thing I pulled out of the box. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“This is the broach given to all Archeomencers, honorary or otherwise. Notice the Number of stars gilded on the bottom, marking a Class 2, and the cameo of my cutie mark in the center. That was a true story, Mr. Sandbar.”

“...there’s no way.”

I dug through the box and pulled out, one by one, some items proving some of my more unbelievable stories. “This is a letter of commendation from the Sphinx royal embassy for duties above and beyond saving the nation, and the rather… grown-up letter the Queen wrote me to go with it. No I am not reading it.”

The boys grumbled a little.

“This is a piece of Discord’s shed horn, which he gave me as a birthday gift a year ago. It doubles as a magic wand, and I am absolutely not demonstrating it,” I added, to the disappointment of many.

“This is a piece of wallpaper from my bedroom cut out and sewn into a magic scroll. It’s in enochian, and yes, I can read it. Do not spend an inordinate amount of time around Princess Luna while she is asleep, or book the hotel room next to hers.”

Most of the class flinched away from it.

“This is a bottle of Tartarus’s Bake hot sauce, one of the last ones before they were shut down by both Health and Safety and the International Safety and Security Commission, simultaneously. Also why I’m banned from Griffinstone. And the Griffin Embassy. DOWN GALLUS.”

“Aw man.”

“This is a Cease and Desist letter from the old Dragon Lord Torch telling me in no uncertain terms to stop sending him dragon post. And the one from Dragon Lord Ember.”

Smolder burst out laughing.

“This is a blue ribbon from the First and Last Annual Canterlot Drag Race. I did not win this, but I have it in my possession. Because it was shut down before I could, as the event organizer, give it to a winner.

“THAT WAS YOU?!”

“This is a photo of my marefriend, Derpy. Still one of my proudest accomplishments.”

There was some ‘awwws’ and some gags from assorted kids for that one.

“And THIS,” I said with a big grunt, hauling the last piece out of the bottom of the crate, “Is the Party Pandemicon 5000, the only working prototype of the only military-grade party cannon in all of Equestria. WHO WANTS TO GO FIRE IT AT A MOUNTAIN?!”

Even the yovidaphone was quieter.

Lesson Eight: Nightmare Night

It was finally here. Nightmare Night. Not only one of my favorite holidays, but this year might just prove to be my favorite Nightmare Night ever. In previous years, I had made a point to outdo myself every year, little by little. Not by leaps and bounds, as some creatures do. It’s too easy to reach your own skill ceiling that way.

But this, this, was leagues above all of my old costumes. It did require calling in some backup from a Princess or two, not to mention signing some rather specific and threatening paperwork should I abuse the privilege, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t one of the best and worst ideas I’d ever had.

The costume itself took a great deal of setup, some magic, some covert tactics, and an appeal to Celestia and Luna’s natures as pranksters (one more than the other), but it was perfect. Now all I had to do was put it into action.

Not surprisingly, Nightmare Night in Ponyville was a big deal. Small towns love holidays, and with the addition of the School of Friendship, they now had an entire academy’s worth of young ones eager to learn about new holidays. Especially ones that got them free candy and let them play games all night, well past a normal bedtime. However, the children were not the target demographic of my horrible, awful idea. Mostly because it wouldn’t mean anything to most of them. Except one. But that’s for later.

So it was with relative ease that I moseyed around town unaccosted. It was approaching sunset, where the real shenanigans would start kicking off, and so Derpy and I made a point to visit of our designated targets: a one Trixie Lulamoon, who, having taken residence in Ponyville lately, had opted to put on a show for the children designed just for the occasion. Some ghastly-themed tricks and candy-making spells mixed in with her normal fare, and a stern but amused Starlight on the sideline to make sure she didn’t get too out of control with her showmanship. Twilight and her friends may have gotten used to her by now, and the younger crowd adored her, but there were still some townsfolk who weren’t too happy with the magician.

Although they seemed quick to forgive, as the show seemed to be gathering quite a crowd. Having taken the main stage (typically reserved for the town musicians and the evening’s host or hostess), she was making quite an impression. Although, anything relatively safe that gave parents a moment’s peace during one of the busiest nights of the year was most likely a welcome distraction.

I did Trixie the favor of waiting till her performance was over to show her my new, brilliant costume. I knew she’d love it. Or run screaming. I know what I was hoping for.

Now, here’s something I probably should have mentioned earlier: my costume came with a bit of a… ‘reveal’. It wasn’t obvious at first, but the payoff had amazing potential. So I made my way backstage with the crowd ‘ooh’-ing and ‘aah’-ing at the bright colors and admittedly clever magic tricks. I had to give it to her, her tutelage under Twilight and Starlight was paying off.

Starlight raised an eyebrow at me as I waited patiently on the sidelines, now more wary of me given the prolonged exposure over the last several weeks, but I tapped the second half of my ‘costume’ I’d been dragging around, and she nodded sagely (she’d been a key part of acquiring it, as it had required some sneaking about the Castle of Friendship for some key components). I’d already promised not to ‘use it’ on her. Some time later, Trixie happily trotted off center stage, full of smiles and pride. A sensation I could see visibly leave her body as soon as she saw me. “Oh joy. Schadenfreude. What are you doing back here?”

“Happy Nightmare Night, Trixie!” I exclaimed, maybe a little too happily.

“Out with it, what’s the deal?” she deadpanned. Starlight chuckled slightly to herself.

“I learned a magic trick!”

She took a visible step back. “What in Celestia’s name…”

With one swift motion I revealed the other half of my costume. “Ta-daaa!”

“OH BUCK OFF.” she exclaimed, and took off running towards the other stage exit.
I felt a surge of pride and accomplishment. “Yessssssss……”

The plan was working.

The next target was a student of mine, who I anticipated having some trouble finding.

A worry quickly put to rest, as he and his usual group of pals were easy to spot going door-to-door looking for candy. I came across them just as they were leaving the Cakes’ residence with what looked to be a catering order’s worth of cupcakes. “Ooooh, cake!” a young filly cheered, smiling brightly as she ran off to stand in line for free dessert. I could just make out the bouncy mane of a particular party pony at the door giving out an impressive amount of baked goods.

“Hi kids!” I called, as Smolder and her entourage finally noticed me off to the side of the growing crowd.

However, Smolder wasn’t the intended target, although seeing all of their reactions at once would be magnificent. I love being efficient.

The students all greeted me with varying levels of enthusiasm, waving at me or simply nodding with smiles as I appreciated their varying costumes. A couple of superheroes, some characters from some book or another that I sort of recognized, and… whatever Yona was dressed as.

“Yona, I hate to ask, but who are you-”

“Yona is the great pride of the Plains, Yodelhorn the Indomitable!”

“Fantastic. You’ll have to tell me that story at school on Monday.”

“Yona will be happy too!”

“Hey teach, where’s your costume?” Gallus asked. Ah yes, Gallus. The intended target. In the few weeks I’d been teaching, he’d stood out as a bit of a chatterbox in class, with a tendency to not raise his claw when speaking. He wasn’t a bad student, but stood out enough that I’d recently only had to get as far as “That’s one” before he simmered down.

“I’m glad you asked, little one! Here. We. Go!” I said, and performed the grand reveal with a flourish.

As expected, the reactions were mixed. Some ‘wow’s’, a couple yelps as Silver and Sandbriar jumped, and the piece de resistance`, Gallus hiding in the back of the crowd with a cry of “Oh stars not the glitter!”

The other kids gave him some smug looks as he poked his head around Yona’s back, at which point he blushed brilliantly. “I-I mean… that’s cool. How’d you, uh… how’d you do that?”

Nice try kid. If I remembered my own school days with any accuracy, he wasn’t gonna live that reaction down. Having somewhat successfully accomplished my goal (I was admittedly hoping for a larger reaction, but I guess the kids had seen a lot worse since starting school here), I set off to my final goal.

Princess Twilight.

Now, given that most of the costume had been… ‘procured’ from Twilight’s castle, it had taken quite a lot of doing to make sure she’d remained completely ignorant to my plan. In fact, hers had to be the last stop, and I was positive she’d make me give everything back once I’d done my grand reveal.

I did make a point to stop off and say hi to her friends on the way.

Fluttershy and Rarity were, sadly, nonplussed by my shenanigans, both having had little exposure to my unique brand of, well, me. It probably didn’t help that they were taking a quiet evening in at Fluttershy’s cottage, enjoying some seasonal snacks and a moment of peace what with all of Ponyville busy elsewhere.

I daresay the costume only really worked the better you knew me, which should say something about me. Something I blatantly chose to ignore.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack, however, were quick to turn tail and run as soon as I showed them the full costume, with little more than an “Oh BUCK that” from Rainbow as they sped away. I did appreciate their matching hoofball uniforms, although they didn’t stick around long enough for me to say so.
Pinkie Pie had been, and was still, up to her mane in trick-or-treaters, and I didn’t have the patience to wait in line. I was giddy with antici…

...pation.

Twilight and Spike (another one of my Nightmare Night co-conspirators), were handing out their own candy to Trick-or-Treaters, and only really noticed me when my turn in line came up.

“Schadenfreude, what are you doing? This candy is only for the kids.”

“Oh, I know. I just wanted to show off my costume this evening.”

“What costume?” she asked. Spike stifled a laugh. “You aren’t wearing anything.”

“Au contraire, I come fully equipped with the scariest costume in all of Ponyville!”

“Yeah, right. What, are you really Discord in disguise? That only works once, you know,” she drawled.

I tapped my hoof thoughtfully. “Now that is a good idea, and a conversation I should really have with my best buddy later, but no. Somehow, I’ve come up with something worse.”

She, like Trixie, took a step back. “Wh-what?”

I smiled brilliantly, and rested my hoof on what seemed to be empty air. Then I ripped the concealment cloak I’d snuck out of her library off the other half of my costume.

“SURPRISE!” The other, normally human, me yelled joyfully.

It was art. It was a photographic moment that I will forever cherish. Twilight launched a good two feet in the air, yelling “NO!” at the top of her lungs, and teleported Celestia-knows-where before she even hit the ground.

Speaking of hitting the ground, my double and I, along with Spike, were soon rolling in the dirt laughing. “Oh man, did you see her face?!” Otherden cried laughing.
Spike could barely breathe. “That… that was awesome!”

The laughter went on for a good moment, before Twilight teleported back, seething with anger. “Schaden! How… when did… what… WHAT THE BUCK.”

“Hoh, my stars,” I panted, wiping a tear away. “Absolutely worth it.”

“Give me back my concealment claok! And you-” she barked, pointing at the normally human me “-back in the portal, now!”

“Absolutely, Princess Twiggly Wiggly!” he cheered, trotting into the castle.

“So when is this… Halloween?” I called after him.

“Tomorrow!”

“SCHADENFREUDE.” Twilight yelled.

Author's Note

Ta-daaaa!