It’s Hearths Warming Eve and Luna is bored.
While everypony else is having fun spending time with their friends and family, singing carols, exchanging gifts, and eating a lot of food…
…Princess Luna herself is at the castle, bored out of her mind.
But she won’t be bored for long, because her and her sister are gonna be hosting the Royal Snow Banquet here at the castle.
And it will be a grand event. It will be filled with music and dancing and lots of yummy food. There will also be a contest and the winner will receive 10,000 bits!
The only problem is the banquet starts at 12:00 pm, and the time now is 10:00 am. So it will be two hours until the banquet gets underway.
And as you can see, Luna waiting for two hours is what’s making her so very very bored.
So to cure herself of her boredom, Luna decides to take a walk through the castle hallways.
She walked through the hallways for about 10 minutes before deciding it wasn’t enough and decided to go walk outside.
But that’s when she saw a giant vault from the corner of her eye.
“What is this vault doing here in our castle?” Luna asked.
Curiosity overwhelmed the moon princess, and she decided to investigate.
She walked over to the vault and tried to open it. But no matter how many times she pulled on the vault door, it just wouldn’t open.
“Ugh, why does sister make it so hard to open up top secret castle vaults?” Luna said, groaning with annoyance.
It was there that she found a device with a microphone attached to it beside the vault door.
This device was no doubt the key to opening the vault door. All Luna had to do was to say the passcode and she’ll be able to open the door.
And she already knew what the passcode is. It’s the same passcode her sister uses for everything.
And with that, Luna spoke the passcode into the microphone.
“Up up down down left right left right B A Start.”
The device beeped and glowed green. Luna smiled eagerly to herself.
‘Honestly sister, you need to stop using the Konami code for everything.” Luna thought.
Luna pulled on the vault door and it finally opened. She walked inside the vault and was shocked at what was inside.
Inside the vault was a huge pile of crack cocaine.
Luna was shocked. What was a huge pile of crack cocaine doing inside this vault?
Most importantly, why was it here in the castle?
Whatever the reason, Luna had to get rid of it.
Luna walked over to the crack pile and activated her horn to cast a deadly spell that’ll get rid of the pile.
But before she could cast that spell, she had a thought.
“Maybe I could snort a little bit of this evil drug before I destroy it.” Luna said.
With no hesitation, she grabbed a hoofful of crack and began snorting it.
As soon as the crack entered the moon princess’ system, all of her senses went into overdrive.
“OH THAT IS SOME GOOD SHIT!!” Luna exclaimed.
Luna had never felt this much energy and adrenaline in forever. The feeling was amazing. It was like running a marathon on the moon.
And as soon as it started, it had ended. The feeling was over and Luna went back to normal.
“Well, that was surely fun.” Luna said. She then looked at the clock. It read 11:45 pm.
“Oh my! My sister’s probably expecting me at the banquet. I better get going.”
Luna started exiting the vault until she stopped in her tracks and looked back at the crack pile.
“But then again, I shouldn’t leave this crack pile here all by itself.” Luna said, sinisterly.
And with a sinister look on her face, Luna walked over to the vault door and closed it.
~~~
“So, do you think Luminous Light will be at the banquet?” Guarding Shield asked his friend Silver Sword.
“Oh, I really hope so.” Silver Sword replied, blushing.
Guarding Shield chuckled to himself. It was almost time for the banquet to begin and he still can’t get over the fact that his friend had a crush on the new female guard.
“If she is at the banquet, please don’t tell her that I have a crush on her. I really don’t want to be embarrassed about it on this day.” Silver told Guarding.
“No promises.” Guarding said.
The two guards decided to head over to the banquet, but not before taking a quick d-tour to the vault to check up on Celestia’s secret crack pile.
“Why would Princess Celestia have a huge pile of crack cocaine?” Guarding Shield asked.
“I think it’s better if we don’t question it.” Silver Sword asked.
When they got to the vault, Guarding spoke the passcode into the device. Once the passcode was spoken and the device beeped and glowed green, the two guards pulled on the vault door and it opened.
And what they saw shocked them.
The huge pile of crack cocaine was gone.
“Oh shit! The crack is gone!” Silver exclaimed.
“Yeah, no shit Sherlock.” Guarding said, sarcastically.
“DAMMIT GUARDING, THIS IS NO TIME TO BE SARCASTIC!! WE HAVE A CODE RED EMERGENCY!!” Silver yelled with fear and panic.
“Silver, try to relax. It’s just a pile of crack.” Guarding said, trying to calm down his panicked friend.
“You don’t understand! That crack is a rare delicacy that Princess Twilight brought back from the human realm! The princess is studying it to learn how it works. And once she find out it’s gone, all her hard work will be for nothing!” Silver explained.
“Well, whoever did get into that crack must have really want to smoke it.” Guarding said.
“But who?” Silver asked.
And an answer did came as a pony body fell down from the vault roof. Both Silver and Guarding looked at the body and knew excellent who it was.
It was Princess Luna herself. Her mouth and nose had some crack dust around it, her eyes were rolled all the way back into her head, and her body was twitching severely.
It was no doubt about it. Princess Luna got into the crack pile.
“Well, at least we know who got into the crack pile.” Guarding said with a smile.
All the while Silver could only say…
“Oh shit.”
~~~
It is currently 12:10 pm and the Royal Snow Banquet is currently underway.
There were thousands of ponies at the banquet dressed up in fancy dresses, eating some of the yummy food like cupcakes and hors d’oeuvres, and dancing to fancy music.
Yes, the banquet truly was going great.
And although Princess Celestia was having a great time being the host of the banquet, she was getting worried on the inside.
‘Where is my sister? She was supposed to be here a few minutes ago.’ Celestia thought.
While the sun princess was lost in her thoughts, Silver Sword tapped her on the shoulder and got her to snap out of her thoughts.
“Yes, Silver Sword? Is there a problem?” Celestia asked the guard.
“Your Highness, I regret to inform you that somepony has gotten into the crack pile.” Silver said to the princess.
“Really? Is that correct?” Celestia said.
Silver nodded. Celestia sighed. She knew this would happen, but she didn’t know it would happen on Hearths Warming Eve of all days.
“Tell me Silver, who was it that got into the pile?” The sun princess asked.
“It was your sister, your highness.” Sliver answered.
Celestia’s eyes widened when she heard the news.
“But no need to worry, your sister is in her bed unconscious. Once she wakes up, she’ll have to stay in her room. And if all goes well, and if your sister doesn’t escape her room to find some more crack, then i reckon she’ll be better in about 4 to 6 weeks.” Silver added.
Finally, Celestia groaned. “You got to be fucking kidding me.” She murmured.
“What did you say?” Silver asked.
“It’s nothing, Silver Sword. Why don’t you go on ahead and enjoy the banquet.” Celestia said with a smile.
“Yes, Your Highness.” Silver said, bowing to the sun princess. He turned around and left to presumably chat with the new female guard, Luminous Light.
And that’s when Celestia’s smile faded and was replaced with an annoyed demeanour
While the other guards think that the crack is a rare delicacy from the human world and that the princess is studying it to learn how it works, the real reason is far more weird.
You see, Princess Celestia is secretly a crack addict.
She gets her crack from a drug dealer in Appleloosa, and hides it somewhere in the castle so that no pony could ever find it.
However, Luna has always found her crack stash, prompting her to get a new stash and hide it somewhere else.
But no matter where she hid it, Luna had always found it, and she always smoked it.
When Celestia hid the crack stash in the vault, she figured that it would be the most perfect hiding spot for her crack and that her sister would never find it.
Turns out she was wrong.
But now is not the time to think about it. The Royal Snow Banquet is still going on, and she still has a duty to fulfil of hosting it.
So it was back to smiling at the guests and looking approachable for the sun princess.
And during it all, Princess Celestia had only one thought in her mind.
‘This is gonna be the last time that I hide my crack stash in the castle.’
Author's Note
I hope you enjoyed this literal crack fic I wrote for Jinglemas 2022.
Remember, don’t do drugs.
Thanks for reading and Happy Hearths Warming Eve!
