Just as the Founding Fathers Intended

by Iron Provost

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Violence, Pinkie Pie, Death, Twilight Sparkle, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person
Length: 1876

You are Anon, and you own a musket for home defense.

You are Anon, and you own a musket for home defense. When four rapscallions break into your house. "What the devil!?" You do what must be done. Now you have to explain to Twilight why this makes sense.

Edit: Featured? Thank you everyone!

Reading by Wuten: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8Hab2Ff1cI

Published 2022-11-29 05:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-11-29 05:00:00 UTC

Quick! Grab your powdered wig!

You are Anon, and you own a musket for home defense.

It was a lovely day in Ponyville, and you were walking back to your house and it was a few houses down from Twilights library. Which was awesome. Being so close to her for your lessons was nice, that was if she could stay on track without asking questions about Earth.

It had been about a year now, and you had managed to buy this house through your job working at the local Hydro-Electric Dam, it was hard work but paid well.

When you got home, you opened the door and set the shopping bags on the table. Next, you opted to ready dinner since you had study time with Twilight tonight. Looking out the window, you can see Celestia's sun setting on the horizon.

You took the carrots you had bought and laid them on the counter. You chopped them up and set a pot of water on the stove.

Next, it was time to change to your chill clothes, not that you disliked your jumpsuit. Rarity had been very generous with the padding, and that made it surprisingly comfortable.

You went back to your bedroom, which was way at the back of the house.

You took your jumpsuit off and laid out the wear again tomorrow, these things stay clean for a few days, you didn't need to wash it just yet. Next you pulled your blue jeans and a clean red shirt over your head. You were about to reach for the camo ball cap that denoted your status as a US Army veteran.

Without warning, you heard a loud 'Crash!' down the hall.

"What the devil?!" You shouted.

"Come on out! This is a robbery, give us all your bits, and we will leave you alone!" Came a deep raspy voice.

"Yeah, what he said!" That sounded like a mare

You have been waiting for this moment all your life, you hit the play button on the cassette player on top of your dresser with a gleeful smile.

"Just as the founding fathers intended," you said, grabbing the powdered wig in your drawer before stashing your pistol in your belt.

Next, you grabbed the holy grail, your Kentucky Rifle.

You could hear them through the door, you hear what sounded like four pairs of hooves moving across your living room.

It was perfect.

With perfect timing, you threw your bedroom door open with a loud thud as it impacted the wall. The three ponies and a griffin all jumped upon you, storming out but readied their weapons, the griffin wielding a short sword. Two of the ponies, both earth Ponies wielding spears, and the last one a pegasus with old wing blades.

You took aim at the pegasus and fired your first shot, blowing a golf ball-sized hole through her chest. She dropped dead on the spot.

"Chestnut!"

"Get him!" The Griffin shouted, pointing his sword at me, and the other two ponies followed his lead as they charged me.

You reach to your belt to your pistol and draw across your chest, taking aim at the griffin. You could see the fear in his eyes.

You fired...

You missed the bullet traveling out the window, and you could hear the sound of a dog yelping in pain. You winced, hoping the dog would be okay.

Out of bullets in both guns, you run back to your bedroom and close the door, the three renewing their charge in pursuit.

"We're gonna get you for hurting our friend!" The griffin yelled out.

"Yeah, what he said!" The same mare shouted. She was starting to get annoying.

You jump over your bed to the cannon mounted to the floor on the other side. Grabbing the linstock leaning against the wall, you lit the match as the door came down.

"Surre-" they stopped in their tracks staring at the cannon.

"Tally ho, lads!" You shouted, striking the linstock to the vent.

Boom!

The griffin and the earth pony stallion were turned to red mist, feathers and corpses shielding the mare. The mare began screaming in horror as you drew your bayonet from its scabbard and affixed it to the end of your Kentucky rifle.

"Chaaaaarge!" you shouted, running through the gaping hole in the wall. The mare dropped her spear and started running while screaming.

You caught up to her because, as a human, your legs are longer. You plunged the bayonet into her side, puncturing her lungs. At least you assume that's why she couldn't keep screaming.

You pulled the bayonet out of her allowing her to fall to the floor, gurgling in her own fluids, piss included.

"Ah, just as the founding fathers intended," you grabbed your cup and made coffee waiting for guards to show up.

The guards burst in the door, 5 ponies strong.

"Royal Guard, surrender now or-" the guard stopped upon seeing the state of the house.

"Is that a cannon?" One of the unicorn guards asked.

"Pinkie Pie gave it to me," you say, they tensed up as you took a sip of coffee from your cup.

They spread out in the house and check every corner.

The door burst open once more revealing a pink blur.

"I would appreciate it if everyone stops slamming my door open," you say to Pinkie Pie as she bounces up and down towards you.

"Ooh, Nonie, did four rapscallions break into your house when you own a musket for home defense?" Pinkie giggled.

"Yup." Is all you say, the guard raises her brow at you.

"Hold up, I only see two," she replied looking around.

"Well I didn't paint the floor red by the bedroom by myself," you stopped yourself and thought for a moment. "Actually I did but you may wanna go collect the teeth for identification purposes or whatever," you finish. You take another sip of coffee.

The color disappeared from the mares face.

"Right..." She said a bit uneasy. "I think I need to be sick."

Suddenly the door burst open again.

"Oh for the love of god!" You shout to the heavens.

"Anon!" Twilight shouted galloping up to you and throwing her hooves around you.

"Uh, hey your adorkableness," you smiled. She flushed red. "You know I hate that nickname," said Twilight looking away.

You chuckled, "that's precicly why it stay where it is."

Pinkie Pie giggled.

"Pinkie? What are you doing here?" Twilight said just now noticing the Pink demon.

"Silly Twilight, I'm seeing how Anon did against the four rapscallions that broke into Anons house," Pinkie giggled again with a snort.

Twilights eyes widened in alarm.

"What!? Anon, you were robbed?" Twilight fixed you with a worried look.

"The only robbing that happened here was me stealing their souls," you say proudly gesturing to the dead mare that bled out long before the guards arrived.

"Anon! You can't just kill ponies!" This time it looked more like slight disappointment.

"Why not?" You reply. Twilight sputtered in shock.

"Because it's not right! What if I killed you?!" She chastised.

"Then i'd be dead," you say with a straight face. You take another sip from your steaming mug.

"How are you so calm about this?" Twilight asked indignantly.

"Oh that's easy Twilight," Pinkie said while bouncing over the dead pony.

"You see Twilight. Anon owns a musket for home defense, just as the founding fathers intended!" Pinkie said with a smile.

"Founding fath- who are the founding fathers!?" Twilight questioned angrily.

"Men to be revered Twilight, I'll tell you about it later during our study time," you say.

Just like that Twilights ire is directed at you once again.

"Study time is the least of our worries right now!" Twilight shouted to the heavens.

You nearly did a spit take.

"Where is Twilight and what have you done to her?" You say with a shit eating grin.

She gave you the deadpan of the year. You were loving every second of it.

"Ok..." Twilight took a deep breath. "You are going to tell me everything," she said a strand of hair coming loose from her mane.

You nodded, taking one last sip of coffee you set it on the counter.

"Well you see Twilight. I own a musket for home defense," you started.

"That has already been established, just as the founding fathers intended yada yada, cut to the next part," Twilight facehoofed.

You gave her a straight face and sighed.

"Fine..." You say resting you're Kentucky rifle against the counter.

"Anyway," you start.

"Four ruffians broke into my house, so I shouted. 'What the devil?!' Next I grabbed my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle and blew a golf ball sized hole in the first pony," you said gesturing to the second dead pony in the room.

"She was dead on the spot. Next I drew my pistol and aimed and fired at the griffon with the short sword. I missed him entirely because it's smooth bore and nailed the neighbors dog," you thought again. "Oh yeah, I should probably go get Fluttershy..." You cupped your hand under your chin in a thinking pose.

"Stay on track," Twilight deadpanned like a cop.

"Right, anyway. Since I missed him I had to resort to the cannon mounted down the hall," you say.

"Ooh, you used the cannon I gave you?! I need to throw you a party. First cannon kill ever!" Pinkie bounced excitedly.

"The cannon was loaded with grapeshot so I shouted. 'Tally ho, lads!'"

"Tally ho, lads?" Twilight raised a brow.

"Not important," you waved it off. "The griffon and the other pony got shredded into pink mist. So I affixed bayonets and charged. Impailed the final pony on my bayonet. She bled out waiting for the guards to show up since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up," you finished with a smile grabbing your mug.

"Just as the founding fathers intended," you said with a shit eating grin and taking a sip of coffee.

Twilight was silent for a moment processing what you just told her.

"So when's study time?" You smiled.

"H-huh?" Twilight seemed to have been ripped from her stupor.

"Study time. When?" You repeated.

"Study time? After all this?" Twilight balked.

"I can grab hayburgers on the way over," you bribed.

"I- I can do that," Twilight said, turning and walking out the door with a smile.

"Works every time," you say getting up.

"Now what to do with these bodies," you say in thought.

"Oh that's easy peasy. I got this," Pinkie bounced over to the pegasus pulling a hack saw from her mane.

You looked at her for a moment.

"Hey, I don't want any blood on my rug!" You chastised.

Pinkie stopped.

"Oh! Right!" She pulled a tarp out of her tail and rolled it out.

"What do I owe you?" You asked grabbing your jacket, still wearing the powdered wig.

Pinkied made a "Pshhh!"

"It's okay Nonie, I do this for all my friends. You should see all the ponies Applejack kills." Pinkie laughs.

"Appreciate it cupcake, see ya tomorrow," you said pointing double finger guns at her.

Pinkie giggled and you left. You had hayburgers to get.