Anon's Going to Pony Prison
“And this is … Anon? Are you paying attention? Anon!”
“Huh? Oh! Yeah! Sorry. I just zoned out for a moment.”
“Oh really.” Sunny narrowed her eyes. Anon looked around the room and saw that Izzy’s eyes were focused on him. So were Sheriff Hitch’s and Zipp Storm’s But the most glaring of all were Sunny Starscout’s. It was enough to make him cringe. How could cute little ponies appear so menacing?
Pony prison is all I have to look forward to. Hitch is gonna arrest me. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life in Maretime Bay Prison. No, they’re gonna extradite me to Zephyr Heights and I will spend the rest of my life in pony prison there. Though at least if what Izzy said is true, the prison in Zephyr Heights is like one of those mythical resort prisons back on Earth.
“Anon!” Sunny shouted, bringing him back to the present fact that he had four technicolor ponies glaring at him, including a unicorn who he was convinced was either insane, or had mastered the art of dimensional and time travel before he did and discovered the wonders of LSD while hanging out with the Grateful Dead.
“Yeah … I spaced out ... Just for a moment,” he said, trying, and miserably failing to seem normal.
“Uh huh … Perhaps you’d care to tell me what I’ve just spent the last twenty minutes teaching you then?”
“Sure I can do that. You’ve been teaching me about… Um something about … Um …”
He looked around the room again. All of the ponies were still glaring at him, but no glare was more intense than Sunny Starscout’s. He could have almost believed she was Twilight Sparkle if not for how badly his plan had failed. He’d spent years trying to figure out how to get to Equestria. But when he’d finally built a dimensional travel device out of a DeLorean he’d paid too much for on Ebay, he was very disappointed. There was no Celestia, no Luna, no Cadance, no Twilight Sparkle. None of the ponies he’d expected to find were here. And like an idiot, he’d underestimated how much plutonium he would need to open a dimensional wormhole, and now he didn’t have enough to get back home. Of course, plutonium was not something one could easily come by in Equestria. Oh yes, there were ponies here, but he didn’t recognize any of them. The only alicorn was Sunny Starscout, who now sat across the table from him casting a sinister glare at him.
“You haven’t been paying attention to a single thing I’ve said, have you?” Sunny said, her eyes narrowing even further as she plastered her ears to her head, He looked around at the four glaring ponies and bowed his head.
“I think it’s time you tell us what’s on your mind, Anon,” Sunny said with a commanding and accusing glare.
The more Anon looked around at the glaring ponies, the more he felt his resolve cracking.
“Nothing! Nothing is on my mind! I’m just tired is all!”
“Uh huh,” Izzy said, staring at him with an unnerving unicorn stare. “Ve haf vays of making you talk.”
“Izzy!” At least Sunny’s glare was focused on the stoned unicorn now instead of him. Still, Anon found himself starting to shiver.
She’s a unicorn! She can probably read my mind! Or fry my brain with her horn laser! For that matter, Sunny probably can too!
With the pressure too much to take, he finally opened his mouth and blurted it out.
“I had sex with Pipp Petals!”
He closed his mouth and winced as he saw the four ponies drop their jaws. This was it. It was pony prison for him. Either in Maretime Bay or Zephyr Heights. He could only hope it would be Zephyr Heights. He doubted earth pony prison was nearly as luxurious. Then again, given it was Queen Haven’s own daughter he’d done the snu snu with, who knew what the Pegasus Queen might do to him? Zipp suddenly flew up and was in his face, her muzzle twisted into a scowl.
“You raped my sister?”
“Huh? No! It was nothing like that! She tied me to her bed! And she sat on my face! And I was completely at her mercy! I swear that’s how it happened!”
Zipp backed off. And he thought he was safe. But she narrowed her eyes again.
“I want details!”
“You don’t need them.”
“I want details!”
Figuring he was already going to spend the rest of his life in pony prison (Zephyr Heights, he hoped), he rolled his eyes.
“Fine. She tied me down so tight there was no chance at all I could get away. She sat on my face … She even made wear a bridle. And not a horse bridle. A bridle that was designed for humans, though we humans call it a gag.”
The ponies’ jaws dropped even further until Sunny spoke.
“So … Pipp raped you?”
“What! No! It wasn’t like that either!” he said, getting more flustered by the second.
“Well, if you don’t want to end up in pony prison, I think it’s about time you tell us the truth about what really happened, Anon.”
Anon winced and glanced at the ponies again. All four of them were glaring daggers at him. He sighed and lowered his head in defeat.
“I’ll talk. But only if you promise me nothing bad will happen to Pipp.”
Hitch finally spoke up now. “I can’t promise that. Rape is a serious crime, And if she forced herself on you—”
“No! I already said it wasn’t like that!”
“Well, then I suggest you get to telling us what it was like,” Hitch said.
“Ve haf vays of—” Another glare from Sunny made Izzy stop mid-sentence. Anon sighed again.
“I got a note saying she wanted to meet me so she could get content for her Flankbook page. We met in secret so she wouldn’t get mobbed by fans. We started off just talking over tea, but then she asked me to come to her bedroom in the castle. Like a fool, I agreed. And then she got all flirty on me and asked me if she could tie me down on her bed. I thought it might be kind of fun cause of the erotic and forbidden nature of it all, and things just kind of escalated from there. I swear, that’s really what happened!”
All four ponies had gone completely silent and only stared at him now, their jaws practically on the floor.
“I know I shouldn’t have let it happen. I never should have gone to her bedroom. I guess you can arrest me now, sheriff.” Again, he could only hope they would extradite him to Zephyr Heights, since that’s where his crime had been committed, though then he would have to throw himself at the mercy of Queen Haven, whose daughter he had done snu snu with.
All four ponies suddenly burst out laughing. Anon narrowed his eyes.
“It’s not funny! I’m gonna spend the rest of my life in pony prison because of one moment of indiscretion! Or are you laughing because I got dommed by a prissy pop star princess?”
Sunny stopped laughing. “Oh Anon, we’re not laughing at you for that. We’re laughing because you thought it was such a big deal.”
“Huh?” was all Anon said, his own jaw dropping now.
Sunny walked over to him and put a hoof over his shoulder.
“True friendship means that you trust your friends completely. Even if it means letting them tie you to a bed, right Hitch?”
Both Sunny and Zipp turned their heads to look at Hitch now. The stallion seemed to wilt and glance around nervously. “Uh … Yeah … That's right.”
“So … You aren’t mad at me? And I’m not going to pony prison?”
“Of course not! In fact, I’m proud that you learned a valuable friendship lesson about trusting your friends!"
A huge sigh of relief went through Anon, but he still had his doubts.
“But it was … Pipp,” he said.
Zipp only laughed in response. “My sister puts on a good show for the crowd. You should feel honored that she chose to indulge her secret dominatrix fetish with you.”
Anon felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from him. It seemed he had learned the true meaning of friendship. This new Equestria was nothing like he’d expected. But he was pretty sure he was going to like it here.
