Stitched

Chapters

Coming Apart At The Seems
Figuratively, and Literally
An Ass Out Of You And Me
Solar Scouts Save The Day!
A Grave Affair Put To Rest

Coming Apart At The Seems

The afternoon train was not a busy one, much to Twilight’s appreciation and Rarity’s indifference. For it was that special time of the day when anyone who wanted to get somewhere had left already. The returning train to Ponyville and Canterlot was usually only laden with ponies come evening. Which meant Rarity and Twilight had enjoyed having an almost empty car to themselves, minus the one stallion sitting as far away from them as physically possible.

Of course, it hadn't started that way, but then again, a walking corpse tended to clear things out in a jiffy. Somehow, it got even worse when Twilight farted a few minutes ago. Strange, yet impressive in its own rather unpleasant way.

The polite stallion sitting alone gagged once, then swallowed hard, forcing down the bile in his throat. He glanced back at Rarity, who simply ignored his angry gaze. After getting no rise out of the target of his ire, he simply grabbed his things and stood up.

With a harumph of irritation, he turned his nose up and disappeared into the next car.

Twilight looked at Rarity with a raised eyebrow. “Well, I guess we are alone now.” Her voice came out a little more nasally than usual, all due to the clothespin latched firmly over her nose.

“Your observation skills continue to astound me, Princess Twilight Sparkle,” Rarity replied in a flat, even voice.

Twilight frowned. “You know, other than you getting snarkier, not much has changed.”

Rarity rolled her eyes, literally. They didn't stop spinning for a few moments, which didn't seem to phase the unicorn much. “You don't say.”

Twilight let out a little huff of annoyance. “Which is kind of interesting if you think about it. I mean, you seem awfully calm. Snarky, but calm.”

The dead unicorn looked out the window absently. “Panicking wouldn't really help much now, would it, darling?”

The only live pony in the train car scratched her head with a hoof. “I guess, but you are kind of infamous for freaking out, so I just assumed this most recent development would garner a different reaction other than... well, this.”

The unicorn stopped and looked back at the alicorn, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

Twilight gulped and held up her hooves defensively. “Well, you must admit you are, or were, a little teensy-weensy bit of a drama queen.”

Rarity’s eyes narrowed a little more. “Yes, I suppose.”

Twilight’s curiosity burned and she couldn't help but speak without thinking. “Why do you think that’s no longer the case? I mean, if I had been told I was dead, doomed to live forever while watching my flesh rot off my body, I would have probably hyperventilated until I passed out.” Twilight paused and tapped her chin with a hoof. “Wait a second, no I wouldn't, because I wouldn't have functional lungs. Doy.” Twilight chuckled to herself.

The usually calm Rarity seemed to falter and her face twisted into a snarl, only for it to vanish within seconds.

“And another thing! What exactly was that?” Twilight frowned, pointing at her face with a hoof.

“I don't know what you are talking about, darling,” Rarity replied before turning back to the window and ignoring the alicorn entirely.

“That thing you just did! You got super mad and then just poof, nothing.” Twilight clapped her hooves together and separated them, looking at the empty space between them.

Rarity merely hummed in acknowledgment and rubbed her chin with a hoof, deep in thought as she watched the plains that stretched between Canterlot and Ponyville zip past her. “I don't really know, it's like I'm… Hmm.” The unicorn paused, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “It's like when I'm angry or sad or about to freak out, I’m chasing a firefly only for it to disappear suddenly.” The unicorn turned to Twilight, who sat across the aisle in the furthermost seat. “It’s just they are here one moment and gone the next, leaving behind a strange calm.”

Twilight frowned and looked away from Rarity. Not because she saw a chunk of Rarity’s mane hit the ground. No, she was merely looking elsewhere in thought. Yes, that was it, in deep thought...

“Odd, I always thought that emotions were born from the mind and you are completely brain-dead. Rarity,” Twilight stated quite matter-of-factly with a nod.

Rarity’s horn glowed and a needle and thread seemed to appear from thin air, slowly coming closer to Twilight’s lips.

The alicorn backpedaled. “I meant literally since you are dead. Your brain should not be operating, meaning there should be no emotion at all.” The needle and thread came closer and closer and Twilight very nearly teleported to a different seat before the needle and thread zipped off to wherever Rarity had previously hidden them.

“I suppose,” the unicorn stated simply, turning her attention once more back to the window.

The alicorn looked out the same window Rarity did and pondered for a moment. Why did Rarity have emotions at all, dulled though they may be? She put her chin in her hoof and rubbed it, trying to get her brain to work out some kind of reasoning as to why this strange anomaly would occur.

“Hey Rarity, what do you think?” Twilight asked inquisitively.

The dead unicorn frowned and continued staring out the window. “I don't have the slightest clue, nor do I care. It's kind of…” She trailed off, then added in a smaller voice, barely above a whisper, “Nice.”

Twilight nodded. “I suppose this turn of events might be nice since you were always so dramatic.”

Rarity turned back to the unicorn, waving her needle and thread menacingly at the overly blunt alicorn.

She just rolled her eyes. “You have to admit that you were quite the drama queen in life.”

Rarity’s anger seemed to boil for a moment before her needle and thread disappeared once more. “Hmmm.” Rarity muttered before turning back to the window and remaining silent for several long seconds.

The only sound was the train running along the track. Oh and the now quite incessant buzz coming from a growing horde of flies that had circled Rarity since Ponyville. “Have you ever thought that perhaps emotion is more tied to our soul than what we like to think?”

Twilight’s face twisted up in contemplation. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Well, think about it. If my brain is gone but who I am remains locked within my erm, remains,” Rarity gagged for a moment before continuing, “then would it be fair to say that a certain amount of emotion is tied to my very essence, or consciousness or the like?”

“Hmm, I suppose that’s possible.” Twilight’s eyes suddenly lit up and she turned to Rarity, a sparkle in her eye. “Rarity, I just realized that we have the perfect opportunity to test the relationship between emotion and intelligence and how one affects the other. You absolutely must let me run a few tests!”

Rarity’s eyes narrowed and she glared at Twilight who didn't seem to be fazed one bit. At least for a few seconds, then her smile faltered somewhat. “Just a few tests?” Twilight winced. “Just one teensy-weensy test? You could be helping ponies that have suffered brain damage to live normal lives!” she offered to the unicorn.

Rarity’s glare wilted and she sighed. “If it's to help others then I don't mind. So long as it's not just for your curiosity.”

Twilight grinned sheepishly. “It's not just for that but it certainly is a factor.” She looked away, tapping her hooves together nervously.

Rarity grinned.

It was a pleasant realization, finding out her emotions were still there and her muse would not leave her forever. Initially, she had worried that her creativity would have fled along with her more powerful emotions, but they still seemed to be there, just more brief. Well, there was that and the fact that she had apparently remained as inspired even after her accidental transformation, so she had that going for her.

Which was nice.

Her smile slowly faded as the sensation of something falling off her head caught her attention. She glanced down to catch a glimpse of a chunk of her scalp, complete with a section of her perfectly coiffed mane lying on the ground amidst a steadily growing pile of similar pieces.

“Darling, could you dispose of this detritus?” Rarity gagged and waved a hoof over the pile of pony flesh on the ground.

“Oh yeah, sure. Should I just zap them or do you want tooo...?” Twilight leaned in, hoping Rarity would finish her sentence.

“You can't be serious, no, I do not want to keep the rotten bits of myself that have since fallen off my body and begun to congeal on the train floor.”

“Okay, okay, yeesh.” With a flash of Twilight’s horn, they were gone.

“Wait, that looked like a teleport, don't tell me you just poofed that away randomly, did you?”

“Err no.” Twilight gulped and looked away.

“Twiliiight, what have I told you about poofing things away for other ponies to deal with?”

The alicorn sighed. “That it is incredibly irresponsible?”

Rarity’s frown deepened, which had the disturbing effect of making her bottom lip sag lower than what should be normally possible. Twilight quickly looked away.

“And just because I can, doesn't mean I should, but I didn't do that this time!” Twilight added hastily.

“So that wasn't a teleport I just saw, young lady?” added Rarity in a tone she usually used when her younger sister had done something childish.

“I'm pretty sure I’m a year older than you, but that's not the point! I designated a spot over an active volcano to which I zap things. It's the perfect disposal!”

Rarity’s frown lasted for a few seconds before it faltered and vanished. “Well, I suppose that's better than you teleporting your used tissues into other pony’s soup.”

Twilight threw her head back. “Augh, that happened only one time!”

“Twilight, by the time you were done with that cold, half of Ponyville was covered in your used tissues.”

“My point still stands, it was only one time!” Twilight straightened herself out and sat taller. “Shouldn't we be thinking of a plan to get you a new body and get rid of all, well, you know?”Twilight motioned a hoof over the rest of Rarity’s body, all in various states of falling off of her.

“Yes, well, first things first, we need to get to my Canterlot Boutique and zap away the rest of my flesh. Then it's simply a matter of making a doll version of myself and sewing myself inside. And voila, Rarity is back all in time to hoof deliver the princesses’ dresses.”

The dead unicorn struck a fabulous pose with her forelimbs extended and a huge smiling face. Although it initially inspired confidence in the live pony, it was ruined when a chunk of her skin came loose and fell down to expose a patch of rotting muscle beneath.

“Hurk.” Twilight spun and quickly grabbed a barf bag she had stationed nearby for such an occasion.

That left Rarity staring at her limb with disdain. “Oh, for the love of Celestia.”

Recalling her needle and thread, she quickly sewed the leg back to normal and smiled at her hornwork. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but she had enough forethought to bring thread the same color as her fur. Well, the same color as what her fur used to be before it became discolored by rot anyway.

“Are you quite done, darling?”

Twilight heaved one last time into the bag and breathed heavily, putting up her foreleg as if asking for a minute. After some heavy breathing Twilight nodded and poofed the bag away.

“Sorry about that, I may have a better stomach than most ponies due to my medical experience, but this is a bit much.” Twilight took another deep breath only to stop mid-inhale. “Sweet Celestia, I think I swallowed one of your flies.”

Rarity scoffed. “They are not my flies!”

“Well they are probably laying eggs in you by now, so I’d say they are yours.”

The dead unicorn huffed, only for her eyes to light up—literally—and with newfound horror look at the flies buzzing around her head. Thankfully the scream building in her throat vanished as some unseen force made her emotions return to normal.

Shaking her head, Rarity chose to distract herself from the disturbing bugs. “You said you had medical experience, darling? I didn't know that.”

“Well yeah, I mean, I have a doctorate and not in something stupid like aromatherapy.” Rarity blinked. “Wait, you didn't know I was a doctor? You’re probably my best friend and you didn't know!?” Twilight asked angrily, her voice alternating between confusion and anger.

“I always assumed you were joking,” Rarity replied quickly.

Twilight’s face screwed up into a mask of disappointment and anger. “Pinkie even threw me a big party for my second doctorate in theoretical magic, you were there!”

“Yes, well some of us do a little more pre-partying than you do. That whole evening is sort of a blur.”

Twilight blinked. “Pre-partying? Is this a Pinkie Pie thing? Because the one time I went to one of her afterparties, I woke up with a black eye, a tattoo, and in Mayor Mare’s attic. Which doesn't actually have any doors or windows I might add.”

Rarity snorted and wheezed, though it sounded horrific, it was probably an attempt at laughter. Seconds passed and the halting hoarse wheeze coming from the unicorn’s windpipe disturbed Twilight. If her friend was alive, Twilight would have rushed over to see what she was choking on, but that was kind of a moot point now.

“What’s so funny?” Twilight asked defensively.

Rarity’s wheezing slowly died down, which was probably a poor choice of words. “Nothing darling, some of us are a little better at holding our liquor than you.”

Twilight huffed and turned away to the window, she blinked twice when recognition settled in. “Oh hey, it’s Canterlot Mountain, we are almost there. We should get your disguise ready.”

“Yes, that would probably be for the best, do you need me to stand up?”

“That would make things easier.” Twilight stood up and pulled out a scroll filled with notes from her bags, running through the equations necessary to complete the spell.

Rarity in the meantime stood up and began sewing any loose flesh that seemed like it was about to fall off.

While Rarity inspected her stitching and body for more loose chunks, she extracted a shawl from her baggage and a wide-brimmed sun hat to hide the chunks of her scalp and back that she had lost already. Twilight nodded once and cast a quick glamour to hide what little Rarity could not and smiled proudly.

Though there wasn't anything she could do about the smell, she could hide pretty much everything else from sight. Twilight rolled her eyes and slapped a hoof to her head. With a quick burst of power, the flies were flash fried. “Well Rarity, I didn't think I’d say this, but you look great!”

“Why thank you dar— wait, what was that first part?”

“Nothing, hold on, I think you missed a spot.” Twilight recoiled in disgust, pointing to Rarity’s distended stomach.

The dead unicorn looked down and tsked in annoyance. “I know I have a bodice somewhere in here that would look—”

Shlop.

“Hurp.” Twilight turned quickly, vomiting all over the floor, barely missing her own hooves and baggage, rainbow-colored vomit splashing all over the ground.

Rarity however didn't notice and merely blinked and looked down at her stomach, that was now lying on the floor of the car. It sat there along with what looked like most of her intestines and a majority of her other formerly internal organs.

“Celestia damn it,” Rarity muttered.

“Celestia didn't damn you, you did, remember?” Twilight added unhelpfully, muzzle deep in a new puke bag. “Good thinking with the needle and thread, Rarity. We are going to have to sew up that hole in your torso. Wait, what are you doing?”

The needle and thread weaved through the air, closing in on the alicorn’s face like a shark circling its prey.

“Wait, let's talk about this, Rarity, you are going to need me to get you out of— No, not the face, NOT THE FACE!”

The immortal alicorn shrieked like a filly and ran around the train car, trying to dodge the needle and thread and the dangling remains of her deceased friend. Several hundred miles away and several minutes ago, two dragons had just settled into a nice semi-dormant volcano, perfect for a pair of dragons out on a date.

“Pretty sweet, huh?” Garble asked with a smirk, leaning closer to the female dragon next to him.

“I don't know about this, Garble. There was a bunch of signs and—” Garble placed a claw over the smaller dragon’s lips.

“It’s okay, baby, there is nodragon around and some namby pamby pony princess put up those dumb signs. What is she gonna do, come down here and nag us to death?”

“Well, I suppose it is kinda nice…” The female dragon smiled shyly and let the other dragon wrap his arm around her shoulder.

“Besides, if she does show up, I’ll be here to protect you. One blast of fire would send those pansy ponies back to wherever they came from.” Garble casually breathed a painfully average gout of flame in a show of strength.

The female blushed and bat her eyelashes at the male dragon. “Hehe, oh Garble~.”

Noticing his chance, Garble pulled the other dragon closer and leaned in. “Then after I scared her off, you would give your protector a big kiss on the—”

It was then that fate, karma, justice, and simple dumb luck combined with weaponized ignorance decided to rain on his parade, literally. Rotting pony chunks rained all over his and his date’s head, some splashing into the magma and filling the air with the smell of rotten burnt flesh.

“What the fuck is that smell?” Garble picked something off his head and nearly wretched at the sight of what seemed like somepony’s scalp, complete with perfectly coiffed, if a little rotten, violet hair.

Unfortunately, his date didn't have quite his level of fortitude and proceeded to vomit a mixture of crag rat meat and gems all over his chest. “Oh come on,” Garble grumbled.

Shaking his head, Garble quickly took a breath and dunked his head in the lava in order to cleanse himself of the filth. Something his date quickly did as well, screaming bloody murder all the while.

Once cleansed of the pony filth, Garble did his best to ignore the smell of charred and rotten flesh. Blinking twice, he spun in a circle. “Cinder? Where did you…” Noticing the other dragon striding slowly through the lava pit to its edge, he quickly began trudging after her. “Wait, just wait for a second!”

Cinder hesitated at the edge of the pool, she stopped reluctantly and turned around, arms crossed in front of her.

Before she could open her mouth to speak, Garble cut her off. “I know that was weird, but it was probably some dumb drake being a jerk. Why don't you come back in and later you can watch me beat the snot out of whoever did that?”

Cinder paused, the promise of wanton violence following a brief cuddling or makeout session in the lava pool did sound nice…

“I—”

Once again, someone was cut off mid-sentence by something disgusting happening, this time it was a small bag of vomit landing on the top of Gable's head and spilling its contents equally in all directions.

“Nope.” Cinder turned and walked off without another word, leaving behind a dumbfounded Garble standing there with rainbow-colored vomit dripping off of him.

Wiping away a portion of the vomit around his eyes, he blinked and looked at his hand with disgust and confusion. “What the? What kind of vomit is rainbow-colored?”

Picking the bag off his head, he looked down at the smiling stallion’s face on the front of the bag. “Dusk and Dawn Railroads?” As realization slowly dawned on him, he crumpled the bag in his claws. “PONIEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!” he screamed to the heavens.

Author's Note

Parts of this story are years old, while the back half is brand new. As such there might be a rise in quality at the midway point.

This is part of the 12 days of christmas, head over here to keep track of all the cool stuff coming down the pipes.

Figuratively, and Literally

“Is the illusion holding properly?” Rarity asked, looking down at her now perfectly normal white-furred legs.

“Yes, the spell seems to be holding for now but it probably won't last very long. The more the spell has to change the shorter it lasts and well you had a lot that needed changing.” Twilight remarked, glancing out the window at the station just up ahead.

“Twilight, darling. If you do not start watching your words I will actually sew your mouth shut.” Rarity stated simply, giving the alicorn a deadpan expression.

“Look, I’m sorry. I should watch my words a little better. Just a little nervous is all. Plus teleporting all your outards took a bit out of me.”

“Outards?” Rarity asked incredulously.

“Well, we certainly couldn't call them innards anymore.” Twilight snickered.

Rarity just rolled her eyes and waited as the train began to slow, finally coming to a stop at the station about the same time Rarity’s eyeballs stopped rolling around in their sockets. “You ready Rarity?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Rarity droned.

“Right.” Twilight nodded before taking the lead.

Together the pair slipped out of the relatively empty train and out onto the equally as relatively empty train station. Other than one now thoroughly disgusted train station employee, they hadn't had to get close to anyone, much to Twilight’s relief.

Even the usual guards found near the station seemed to be absent today, leaving the pair breathing metaphorically easier. The few passengers avoided the pair like the plague, meaning they didn't have any trouble save for Rarity acquiring a new swarm of flies that buzzed incessantly around her head.

“Hold still,” Twilight muttered while trying to zap the tiny bugs.

Rarity sighed. “Don't bother Twilight, just get them when we are at the shop.”

“Well alright, I just don't want them to bug you.” Twilight giggled.

Rarity pretended she didn't hear that.

“Get it? Cus they are insects.” Twilight added, unhelpfully.

“I get the pun Twilight now would you please be quiet, you are drawing attention to us.”

Twilight looked around, noticing a pair of solar knight scouts standing wide-eyed and slack-jawed at them from several feet away. The one holding out a pamphlet for a local bake sale was tall, and slender, with a gold coat and light blonde hair cascading down her face in a haphazard fashion, her cutie mark was of a sun rising over a pie. While the other who was currently trying desperately to hold down her lunch was a lot shorter and was the first filly’s complete opposite. Her mane and tale were twin shades of dark blue, her short, overly styled mane only slightly darker than her fur, her cutie mark was of a padlock with two bobby pins sticking out of it.

“Ooh, a solar scout bake sale!” Twilight grabbed one of the pamphlets from the filly’s grasp, hardly noticing the fact that the filly had hardly moved. “Thank you!”

“Let's go Twilight.” Rarity hissed, pulling the other mare into a much less populated alley.

“Hey watch it! No need to pull. Jesse.” Twilight whined, obediently following Rarity as the pair disappeared down a nearby alley.

Leaving two rather stunned young mares to slowly turn to each other. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” The shorter one asked.

“I am, and no.” The yellow one responded.

“What! But you smelt that too! She was definitely a zombie!” The blue one pleaded, gesturing over to the small swarm of flies still chasing after the pair. “I mean look at that! It's the only explanation!”

“Not everyone who smells funny, or walks weirdly is a zombie. Did you think about the fact that she might have just stepped in something?” The taller one raised an eyebrow, poking the smaller one with a hoof. “So, did ya?”

“What?! You smelled that too! You can't just step in death!” A confident smile spread across her face suddenly and she stood up tall and proud, placing a hoof over her heart. “Besides, isn't it our duty as solar knights?”

“Augh, you know they changed the name years ago, it's solar scout.”

The smaller one rolled her eyes and blew the taller one a raspberry. “Whatever, names don't matter. What does matter is duty! We definitely have to capture her and bring her to HQ!”

“HQ?” The taller one asked incredulously. “Tumbler, we don't have a headquarters remember?”

The smaller filly just smirked. “That's now what I remember.”

“I was six! Six, tumbler! I thought it was cool.”

“It so is cool! Who else has a secret tree house headquarters in their backyard.” The other filly struck another valiant pose. “Besides, need I remind you, it's the solar knight's sworn duty to protect the realm from devastation!”

“Augh, please Tumbler, not here! There are people watching!”

“Come on Sunny, I know you know the words!”

Sunny rolled her eyes and mumbled. “To unite all people within our nation.”

“To denounce the evils of hate and fear!” Tumbler yelled.

“To extend our reach to the stars above.”

“Blue Tumbler!” Said pony struck a dramatic pose, pointing valiantly skyward with a wide smile on her face.

“Sunny Pies!” Said the other pony struck a similar pose, save for in the opposite direction, and with much less enthusiasm.

“Solar knights are always ready for a fight!”

“Surrender now or feel our might!”

In the distance, a cat screeched.

Sunny Pies was the first to stop posing, pushing down her friends still extended forelimb. “Alright fine, so what if she was a zombie? What are we gonna do about it? We can't even ride the train alone. Why don't we just tell the guard?”

Blue Tumbler frowned. “It's the solar knight's job, that's why! We are the protectors of the realm, sworn to save the world from the scourge of evil!”

An old stallion suddenly stopped and gasped dramatically. “Oh no.” The slightly younger but still old stallion beside him muttered, slapping a hoof to his face.

“EEEEEEEVIL!” The first stallion yelled before sprinting off down the street, continuing to shout evil for several seconds.

“Now look at what you made him do.” The younger stallion said with a sigh, following after the older stallion who was now viciously attempting to grapple a tree.

Sunny Pies blinked and looked over at her friend. “Uh, anyway. Why shouldn't we just tell the guard?”

“Err, sorry Sunny, that was just really jarring.” Tumbler shook her head. “Because it's our job Sunny! It was part of the sacred oath we took as solar knights!”

“Maybe a thousand years ago it was, now the only foul creatures we hunt down are ponies who haven't heard of the bakesale we are throwing.”

Blue huffed. “Don't be such a spoilsport Sunny! Think of it! We could be like the knights of eras long past, hunting down monsters and bringing justice to the realm!” She looked back and forth before leaning in and whispering. “And think of all the stallions we would get if we caught a real live zombie!”

“A, a zombie isn't alive by definition. B, what is it with you and stallions? You know there is an easier way to get a date.” Sunny gestured toward her friend's overstyled mess of a hairdo. “For one, you could stand to lose a few of those pins you love so much. It looks like a rat’s nest up there.”

“Hey!” Tumbler lifted her hooves up to her head, defending her rat’s nest. “My hair isn't that bad.”

“It really is.” Sunny replied.

“Humph!” Blue crossed her forehooves indignantly. Suddenly her eyes lit up and a creepy smile spread across her face.

Pies backed up a step, gulping nervously. “What? What is that look for?”

“I bet if you caught a zombie, Starlit Sentry would finally notice you. I heard he looooves tough mares.”

Sunny stopped backing up and looked down at her friend curiously. “Really?”

Hook line and sinker. Blue Tumbler thought with a smirk. “Oh yeah, did you see the look that he gave that female guard during career day?”

The taller filly tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Maybe…”

“Yes!” Blue Tumbler cheered.

“But we need a plan, and a good one! And you’re not allowed to eat any of my mom’s blueberry cookies!” Sunny added, waggling her hoof at the other filly.

“But why? They are so good…”

Sunny got up. “Your farts smell worse than that zombie did and I don't think I can handle any more apocalyptic-level nastiness today.”

“H-hey!” Blue scrambled to her hooves and chased after her rapidly retreating friend. “Come back here Sunny Pies! I swear to Celestia you're going to get it!”

Sunny turned and blew a raspberry at her friend. “You’ll have to catch me first, tiny legs!”

“AUGH!” The blushing filly yelled, sprinting after her madly giggling friend.

Twilight peered out of the alley the pair were hiding in, looking up and down the more or less barren stretch of street. The hoof traffic was low as they were at that perfect time right before the rush began after work and school let out, allowing them to have slipped through most of Canterlot without too much trouble other than the swarm of flies they had attracted, which Twilight had to stop and zap.

Now that they were close to the boutique Rarity’s disguise had begun to flicker and the dead unicorn cringed as suddenly her pristine white fur was replaced by the hastily sewn-together mess that it actually was.

“Is the coast clear? We must hurry darling.” Rarity whispered.

Twilight frowned. “Wait, there is a group of ponies passing by aaaand we're good. Let's go.”

The alicorn stepped out onto the street, ushering her friend out. Rarity peaked her head out and let out a small sigh of relief. “Not far now, is it worse?” Rarity asked, looking up at her friend with wide, hopeful eyes.

Twilight gulped audibly and slowly turned around, revealing that her nose had several more clothespins attached to it. “Mo, mot at all.”

Rarity let out a shallow breath. “Let's just get there quickly. The basement isn't very big but it should be just enough for what we need.”

Twilight nodded and walked out onto the straight, trotting confidently towards the shop at a brisk pace. Followed closely, but not too closely, by Rarity who wore an uncomfortable frown. Her ears twitched, either because of the death of the nerves that connected to them, or the distant sound of someone singing very poorly.

As they drew closer to the shop, the distant sound of what seemed like several cats vigorously making love was revealed to be a stallion standing directly before the boutique. A small record player set before him was belting out an upbeat, moderately paced tune that was heavy on the brass. Which he was completely murdering with what sounded like a very amateur adaptation of a moonlit sonata.

“Oh, Rarity I sing for thee! Won't you please come out and we can have tea!” The stallion sang, much to Rarity’s growing annoyance and Twilight’s complete perplection.

“What is he singing? I’ve never heard something so terrible.” Twilight asked, turning to her friend.

Rarity sighed and ran a hoof down her face. “It's a song he wrote, he comes down here every week or so to ‘serenade’ me.” She added air quotes around the word serenade, which was hardly necessary as the amount of sarcasm dripping from her tone could have drowned a pony.

“Oh.” Twilight wilted. “That's… nice?” Twilight asked, forcing an awkward smile on her face.

“Maybe the first few times but at month eight it gets exhausting. Unfortunately, there are no laws against it since he's on public property.” Rarity remarked dryly

Twilight frowned. “Surely we could have a restraining order placed against him? This sounds a lot like harassment.”

Rarity sighed. “It kind of is but he's just so young and vulnerable, I want to let him down gently but every time he comes by I’m too busy to break it to him.”

“Well, why not now?” Twilight asked before turning toward the stallion and walking up to him, waving all the while. “Hi!”

Rarity blinked. “W-wait! I look terrible and smell like death!” Rarity huffed, making a note to buy Twilight a leash the next time they went out in public.

Only to feel a flash of embarrassment, and a tiny bit of arousal flash through her mind as she realized the full implications of such a thought. Maybe another time. Rarity thought before pushing the image from her mind and trotting after her friend.

“Hi, hello. My name is Twilight Sparkle and you are?”

“Your eyes are like a big pizza pie - oh, um hello there. Can I help you?” The small, demure green, and teal stallion asked, shrinking a little at the presence of royalty. “Your uh, majesty?”

“Well I was just accompanying my friend Rarity and I was hoping she could-”

“Get to her shop without any interruptions.” Rarity added quickly, making her way toward the door.

Only to be blocked by a stern-faced Twilight who whispered. “Come on Rarity, now’s your chance.”

“Twilight will you kindly butt out of my-”

“Oh, Rarity it really is you! I almost didn't recognize your effervescent beauty!”

“I wouldn't go that far.” Rarity mumbled.

Twilight jabbed her in the shoulder and gestured to the stallion but right as she was about to encourage her friend the stallion suddenly gagged and took a step back. “My word princess, what on earth did you eat?”

Rarity snorted, stifling a giggle as Twilight blinked. “What, I don't stink Rarity does!”

The stallion scoffed, squeezing shut his nose with a hoof. “I hardly believe that the most fashionable pony in all of Equestria would go out smelling like that.” He gagged again, nearly vomiting in the process. “Shouldn't you have servants to help you with your personal hygiene issues?”

Rarity elbowed her friend. “You really should allow your servants to help with your little issue, your majesty.”

Twilight’s face grew bright red and she stared daggers at her friend. “I do not have an issue!”

“Now now princess, it is a tad unsightly if you were to discuss your frankly disturbingly bad halitosis in public.” The stallion exclaimed.

Rarity snickered and walked towards the door to her boutique only to be blocked by the stallion who suddenly appeared in her path. “Please Miss Rarity I know the princess’ smell has put a damper on the mood but I must take this chance to profess my love and ask for a boon.”

Rarity’s eyes twitched, whether that was in anger or the nerves dying was unknown. “Look, I really have to get to work why don't you come back later?”

Meanwhile, Twilight had removed the pins from her nose and breathed into her cupped hooves, trying to smell her own breath.

The stallion only moved more in the way, a wide confident smile growing across his face. “Oh, but it is such an Infinitesimalsmall thing Miss Rarity! I desire only a single hair from your perfect mane!”

Rarity recoiled. “You will not get a lock of my hair you rapscallion now please-”

“Oh but it is just the tiniest of things, you see my friends doubt your beauty, your grace and I wish to prove them wrong, please help me show them the light!” The stallion cried.

“Now see here I will not-”

“Please, please! Just a single strand would show them the error of their ways!”

Rarity frowned and tried to duck squeeze between him and the door only to get blocked again. “Augh. See here mister I will not-”

The stallion suddenly collapsed to his knees, his eyes growing wide and watery and he looked up to Rarity with the most pathetic expression the mare had ever seen. “Please, please, please! I beg of you!”

Rarity growled dangerously, her eye twitching in a mixture of nerve death and rage. “FINE!” She yelled before grabbing one of her hairs in her magic and tearing it out. She tossed it up and grabbed Twilight with her magic. “Come on Twilight, let's go.”

The stallion’s eyes went wide and he leaped up, chasing after the floating strand of hair. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Rarity rolled her eyes and pulled Twilight inside the shop and away from the love-struck stallion. Who leaped into the air and grabbed the strand of hair before it could blow away. “Oh, what a wonderful, wonderful day! Truly I have been blessed by-” He blinked, looking down at the base of the strand of hair, where a clump of scalp was still connected.

“Hurk”

Inside Rarity and Twilight exchanged a glance as they listened to the sound of the stallion vomiting his guts out onto the pavement. Then when his stomach was empty he screamed a high-pitched feminine scream and ran away, the sound of his cry slowly vanishing into the background noise of the city.

“Well uh, that was certainly one way to do it,” Twilight remarked before leaning in. “My breath doesn't stink, right Rarity?”

Rarity sighed and ran a hoof down her face. “Your breath does not stink, now will you please focus?”

Twilight pulled her hoof from her nose and blushed. “Err, right.”

Looking around the boutique Rarity saw several customers in the midst of shopping, a stallion inspected a suit a ponyquin wore. A mother was pulling dresses from a rack and handing them to her beleaguered filly who merely took the garment and rolled her eyes. Several other mares were grouped around the counter, haggling with Sassy Saddles who seemed as beleaguered as the filly slash servant. The fashionable Sassy Saddles wore a strained smile, her shoulders were tight with stress and her mane was disheveled.

“Please miss, that coupon is expired I cannot-”

“Oh pish posh.” the older mare remarked, raising her nose into the air. “I only got this coupon last week in the Canterlot gazette, surely it cannot be expired already!”

“Yeah.” Another one added, this one towing her nose up even higher and scoffing. “Are you saying your coupons are only good for a single week? What kind of game are you and Miss Rarity playing?”

Sassy Saddles stifled a groan and picked up the coupon, displaying the expiry date clearly for the gathered elderly mares. “It says right here that it was printed two months ago and it was good until last Tuesday. I cannot accept this, but I can give you a smaller discount for being a repeat customer.”

Another scoff and Rarity quickly lost her patience, she needed the store empty and she needed it empty yesterday. With her head held high, she trotted up to the counter and cleared her throat. “What seems to be the problem here?”

The elderly mare’s turned-up nose scrunched in disgust, just now catching a whiff of the stench that radiated from the deceased mare. “Why I say, have you been rolling around in the gutter?”

One of the other elderly mares with a short pixie-cut mane chuckled. “Typical townie.”

Sassy Saddles' face was the perfect mask of respect, despite her nose scrunching up slightly. “This mare is trying to pay with a coupon that expired last week, I tried offering her a different discount but she won't accept it.”

One of the mares harumphed and was about to speak but was cut off by Rarity’s icy glare. “Take the offered discount or leave, now.”

“Why I never. You cannot be serious.”

“Did I stutter?”

“Err-.”

Twilight smirked. “You better take the deal.”

For a tense moment, the lead mare seemed ready to continue complaining but suddenly the wind blew out of her sails and she turned to leave, clutching her purse tightly against her chest. “Come on along girls, let's go somewhere that doesn't smell like a dumpster from the griffin quarter.”

Rarity snorted, rolling her eyes, watching as the three older mares left. “I’m sorry but we are going to be closing early. Please accept a ten percent discount as my sincere apology.”

The stallion shrugged and left, while the mother’s eyes went wide and the filly face hooved. She grabbed the entire pile of dresses they had been trying on and dragged it up to the counter. Rarity leaned in close to her assistant. “Lock up as soon as she's done.”

“Alright…”

Together Twilight and Rarity moved to the back of the shop. Once out of earshot Rarity sighed and looked back to her assistant. “How am I going to break it to her?”

Twilight shrugged. “Just tell her flat out.”

“Do you think that’s wise Twilight? What if she screams or something?”

Twilight snorted. “Being dead isn't a crime Rarity. I should know, I read every single book on Equestrian law.”

“Thats… concerning.” Rarity muttered, sighing. “There must be a way to ease her into the news though…”

“Ease me into what news?”

“Bwah!”

Rarity’s eyes widened and she took a nervous step back. “Err it's just, well you see the thing is darling-”

“Rarity’s dead,” Twilight added, quite unhelpfully.

Sassy Saddle’s jaw metaphorically hit the floor and she turned to Rarity, whose jaw literally hit the floor. The live mare collapsed in a heap, fainting at the sight of her employer littleraly coming apart before her.

Rarity tried to speak only to face hoof and glare at the alicorn who just shrugged. “What?”

Author's Note

This is part of the 12 days of christmas, head over here to keep track of all the cool stuff coming down the pipes. If you want to ensure I can afford to keep doing stuff like this, consider backing me over on Subscribestar or Patreon.

An Ass Out Of You And Me

Sassy Saddles was having a quite disturbing dream when something wet slapped across her face. “Wha?” She mumbled, her eyes fluttering open.

There before her stood a rather amused-looking purple alicorn that she recognized as princess Twilight sparkle. The room was lit by a single solitary light bulb swinging above her, illuminating only herself and the princess. She looked down, noticing that her hooves had been bound to a table that seemed to be propped up against a wall. When she looked back at the princess her eyes were filled with fear and the last few moments before she passed out flashed through her mind.

“Please n-” she tried to shout only to find a purple hoof stuffed into her mouth. The limb tasted oddly familiar to the pony, but she tried to ignore that fact.

“I’m going to suppress your emotions for a second okay?” Twilight asked, clearly not caring about her actual agreement.

Sassy Saddles nodded slowly.

“Good.” The alicorn lit her horn, the light extending from her horn and seeping into her head.

Then all at once, her body relaxed, her emotions draining out of her body. She blinked owlishly, looking down at her bound form as if she was looking at another pony’s body, not hers. “Huh,” she mumbled.

“Alright, I’m going to let you go now don't run or anything okay? We are just going to have a nice little talk,” Twilight continued.

Sassy Saddles nodded.

The princess undid her bindings, allowing the unicorn to slip to the ground, a second later the pressure around her horn that she hadn't noticed, vanished. She looked up to see a small ring disappear in a flash, with cold calculating eyes she looked down at the alicorn, searching for an answer.

Without the stress of emotions pushing her to hasty conclusions, the unicorn realized that there was no way out of this situation unless Twilight let her out. The power of an alicorn was not to be trifled with and she hardly knew more than a couple of spells necessary for her job, all of which she doubted would be effective on an alicorn magical prodigy.

Sassy nodded again, relaxing a little more.

Twilight grinned. “Okay good. So the short answer is, Rarity died and accidentally turned herself into a lich.”

Twilight shrugged nonchalantly. “It's no big deal we just gotta get together a decent disguise, get rid of her meat, and then find a pony who can stitch her a full-body doll.”

“Wouldn't it be easier and safer to simply let me sew a new body?” asked a voice in the darkness that Sassy knew to belong to Rarity.

Sassy felt a mild feeling of disgust build within her but she quashed it quickly, logically deciding that it didn't actually help her in this situation. She looked over to the spot of the darkness and narrowed her eyes. “Rarity, is that you?”

“You sealed her emotions right?” Rarity asked, a sliver of anxiety worming into her words.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “You know I did.”

The other unicorn sighed and took a step forward, revealing her rotting and half-held together body for all the world to see.

It was repulsive, to say the least. Rarity was missing chunks of flesh, and her eyes didn't seem to respond to her movements as one was looking down while the other looked off to the right. Her jaw was held together with some fishing wire and that wasn't even considering the smell.

The unicorn leaned over, ready to vomit only to feel another spark of magic, which seemed to cause her sense of smell to simply stop existing. Sassy gulped down the bit of vomit that had worked up into her mouth and nodded thankfully to Twilight who just shrugged in return.

“Well darling, I am sorry to thrust this on you all of a sudden but please do try and hold down your lunch.” Rarity commented.

Sassy shrugged. “It's okay, I just can't look right at you.”

Rarity sighed. “I understand darlin-”

“Because you are ugly, like exceptionally ugly, like the creeper got in a fight with a giant cheese grater and lost, badly,” Sassy remarked, looking off to the dead unicorn’s right.

“I get it can we please-”

“Like you are probably the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my entire life and last week someone came in with a plaid dress.” She stuck her tongue out, suppressing a gag. “It was a full-body dress Rarity, made entirely out of plaid, it was four different colors.”

“Thank you, darling!” Rarity paused, only to almost gag herself. “Was it really four different colors? I mean two I could understand but…” She shook her head. “We're getting off topic.”

Twilight cocked her head. “What's so bad about that dress? It sounds nice.”

Both unicorns looked over at Twilight with utter disdain, making the alicorn flinch. “What? I like plaid.”

“You poor poor thing,” Sassy said sadly.

“We all have one charity case friend.” Rarity shrugged. “Now then darling, why can't we simply sew a new body here?”

“Wait, charity case, what about Rainbow Dash, she has to be worse than me! I mean, she doesn't even own a hairbrush.” Twilight said with a pout.

Rarity shrugged. “Rainbow Dash always dresses in style, her style. It works because it fits her body type, mane, and coat. You have the color coordination of a short sighted dog.”

“But like a somehow even more colorblind dog. As if the world is a single color to you,” Sassy Saddles added.

“Exactly.” Rarity agreed.

The alicorn pouted a little harder. “You know what, fine, whatever. Tell me Rarity, do you know the necessary spells to give you the feeling the doll has?”

Rarity shrugged. “No, but I’m sure in time-”

“Do you know what material you could use to stimulate flesh?” Twilight pointed out.

“Well no…”

“Do you know how to realistically recreate hooves?” Twilight waggled her own hoof for emphasis before clopping it against the stone floor.

The dead unicorn shrunk a little, turning to her employee. “I don't suppose you know any of those things?”

“I'm assuming you’re talking to me, but I refuse to confirm this fact,” Sassy stated sassily.

“Yes, I was.” Rarity sighed.

“No, I do not know any of those things.”

The dead unicorn turned to Twilight and frowned. “Okay you made your point, why do you think there even exists somepony that knows how to do these things?”

Twilight gulped and looked away. “Look, you live in this city long enough you hear things okay?” She rubbed the back of her leg nervously. “That and during my younger years I had this friend…” Rarity raised an eyebrow so high that it fell from her face, landing on the ground with a wet splat. “Okay maybe not a friend but I did do their homework in return for some bits.”

The unicorn shook her head. “You don't have to lie to me darling, you're my friend.”

Twilight smiled and did her best to look Rarity in the eye. “Thanks. Anyway, he talked about getting this um doll and after that, I didn't see him for a few months but when he came back to class he was super happy.” She shrugged. “After that, he didn't have any bits for a while because he spent them all on this doll. So, being curious, I asked him about this doll and what made it so worth it.”

Sassy’s eyes went wide, her mind putting two and two together but remained silent.

The alicorn fidgeted a little, a slight blush crossing her face. “He said it was really lifelike and um well that's it. I haven't thought about it for a while but this might be what we need.”

Rarity stifled a giggle. “I'm surprised you didn't get a doll of Princess Celestia.”

“I didn't have any bits and-” Twilight blushed profusely, stuffing a hoof into her mouth.

The two unicorns shared a muted, halting laugh.

The alicorn glared at Rarity. “Not cool.”

The dead unicorn was tempted to roll her eyes but stopped before she could, fearing the strange tumbling feeling of her eyeballs rolling in their sockets. “Still, that leaves us to find where this mystery seamstress is.”

“Actually,” Sassy spoke up. “I heard someone talking about a ‘real doll’ the other day. I didn't think about it at the time but he mentioned that he met his contact in the sky docks at some place called…” She tapped her chin, her muzzle scrunching up in confusion. “The stitch and snitch?”

Rarity frowned. “I don't know of any such place, is it some sort of fabric store?”

Twilight shrugged. “If it's in the sky docks it shouldn't be too hard to find, did you hear anything else?”

Sassy shrugged. “I’m afraid not. I didn't want to eavesdrop too much.”

“Hmm, still, that's better than what we had to go on before.” Rarity chuckled a wet and wheezy laugh that disturbed everyone who heard it. “Because I doubt looking up one of Twilight’s old classmates would have worked very well.”

“Yes, ahahaha!” Twilight yelled.

Sassy and Rarity exchanged another glance or at least as close to one as Sassy was willing to get.

“Rrright.” Sassy remarked, turning to Twilight. “You two are going to need disguises and I’m sorry to tell you this but I don't think we are going to be able to deal with…” She waved a hoof at Rarity’s general direction. “All that. At least not here.”

“What, why?” Rarity asked.

“The landlord is coming in about a half hour.” She groaned. “And his kid was going to come too, they wanted to shop.” She spat the last word, sticking her tongue out in disgust.

Rarity shuddered. “You have my pity.”

“Thanks…”

Twilight looked from one unicorn to the other. “Okay then. How are we going to make some disguises in a half hour?”

Sassy Saddles tapped her chin, looking around. “We just need to disguise Rarity as something really hideous, like a donkey.”

“Ignoring the kind of racist undertones there, why a donkey?” Twilight asked.

“Think about it, if she is disguised as something incredibly hideous they might not even notice the horrific smell,” Sassy remarked.

“I'm standing right here you know?” Rarity lamented angrily.

“How could I not?”

Rarity harumphed indignantly. “That doesn't explain where we are going to get a donkey disguise in the next twenty-six minutes.”

Sassy shot the unicorn a smile, making sure to close her eyes before she accidentally looked at the hideous monstrosity of rotten flesh. “We still have those costumes remember?”

Rarity’s face suddenly became even paler than before. “No, you wouldn't.”

“Wouldn't what?” Twilight asked innocently, looking around owlishly.

Rarity glared. “There is absolutely no way that-”

Rarity sighed and turned to Twilight, who had a hoof crammed into her mouth stifling a giggle that was still managing to slip out the sides of her mouth. “I swear to Celestia that if you ever tell anyone of this I will…” She groaned. “I don't know what, but I promise it won't be nice!”

Twilight giggled. “Can I just get it out of my system at least?”

The unicorn sighed. “Fine.”

The alicorn exploded into laughter, rolling around on the ground and pointing up at Rarity. Who was as of that moment clad in a surprisingly well-fitted donkey costume. Which would have been fine in itself, save for this donkey was clearly male and had a fake mustache and beard complete with pompadour mane. It was clearly enchanted, looked perfectly lifelike and could even blink. Add to that Twilight’s deodorant spell and the smell wasn't even that oppressive.

It was perfect, too perfect.

Rarity could feel her patience tick away inside her like sand in an hourglass, the seconds ticking away, accompanied by endless peels of laughter. Slowly, very slowly the laughter eventually petered out and Twilight slowly stood, wiping a tear from her eye. “I never thought I’d see the day that you would be dressed in something so… garish.”

“That's actually quite the apt description, maybe you are picking up a few things about fashion.” Rarity smirked. “Maybe I won't have to dress you every time we go out somewhere.”

Twilight blushed. “Let's not go that far.”

Rarity chuckled. “Alright, and what is your disguise? You said you had an illusion spell ready and I must say I am intrigued to see what you had prepared.”

“Um, can we go into that alley first?” Twilight asked, pointing to a nearby alley.

Rarity shrugged. “Sure.”

The two ponies trotted over to the alley and slipped inside.

Now alone, Twilight looked both ways before blushing a little harder. “Promise not to laugh okay?”

“I promise to try.”

Twilight frowned. “I’m not going to be able to get a real promise out of you am I?”

Rarity smirked. “Nope.”

“Fine.” She sighed. “Just let me preface this entire thing by saying there is a good reason I know this spell off by heart.”

Rarity lifted an eyebrow, the costume giving her a new one. “Okay?”

Twilight blushed a little harder before pushing magic into her horn, making it glow brightly before exploding outwards, obscuring the alicorn for a second before being replaced by Rarity. Not dead Rarity who was standing across from her, but live Rarity, complete with perfectly coiffed mane and perfectly styled tail.

The live Rarity blushed, her tail swishing silently. “The short version is I needed to break into your house to get a book I accidentally left behind.”

“And what's the long version?!” Dead Rarity shouted.

“I almost got caught by your sister but I managed to duck into your room so I whipped up this spell to convince her I was you.” She blushed and looked down. “Then after that, I just liked how pretty I was so I kept casting it every once and awhile.”

Dead Rarity’s fury dissipated quickly and she sighed. “Your already pretty darling. Oh ideaa! Once this is all sorted out we absolutely must go shopping together. Nothing quite makes a girl feel as good as a new outfit and maybe a mane cut.”

Twilight frowned. “What's wrong with my mane?”

“Twilight, darling, you haven't changed your mane style for the entire time I’ve known you. Its actually quite impressive, you must cut it weekly,” Rarity remarked simply.

“So?”

“So it's been what, seven years? Surely you would like to try something new?” She smiled. “Maybe I could even introduce you to my stylist?”

Twilight blushed. “Okay,” she whispered.

“Now then, where is the fastest way to the sky docks?”

Twilight grinned, gesturing back out into the road. “Come on, I know a shortcut.”

Rarity smiled. “I’m right behind you darling.”

“I really don't think this is a fabric store,” Twilight stated.

Rarity looked at the pub that appeared full, despite the fact that it was not even two in the afternoon yet. She looked up at the sign, where there was a wooden rat with a needle through it, with the words stitch above, and snitch below. “Charming.” Rarity mumbled.

Twilight looked around, glancing at all the tough dock workers walking around, some of who were leering openly at her. “Maybe on second thought I’m alright with my less then steller appearance,” Twilight announced.

Rarity snorted and walked up to the entrance, pushing aside the saloon-style doors before turning to her partner. “Are you coming, darling?”

The disguised alicorn looked from the pub to Rarity before sighing and trotting after her. “Yeah…” She muttered.

When the pair walked in a sudden hush fell over the rowdy crowd, all eyes turning to Twilight who eeped and nearly ran back outside, stopped only by a glare from Rarity. Sighing, The disguised alicorn hung her head and trotted inside, casting nervous glances at the collected stallions all staring at her and catching a glance at one of the walls of the pub that was covered in names that were scratched into the wall. “Eep!” Twilight shrieked, sprinting after Rarity and nearly running face-first into the ass’s ass.

Rarity turned and shot Rarity a dirty look. “What is wrong with you?”

Twilight gulped and pointed a nervous hoof at the far wall and the names. “The wall has names on it.”

Rarity blinked slowly. “And?”

“What if it's all the ponies who died here? Think about it Rarity!” Twilight half hissed half whispered.

The disguised mare just shook her head. “Really Twilight. Must you make a spectacle of everything? Drama queen.” Rarity said with a sigh, leaving a stunned Twilight behind.

“Hey, that's my line!” She called, chasing after her friend, who was rapidly approaching the counter.

By now most of the crowd had turned back to their drinks and their conversations, with only a few lecherous looks lingering on Twilight’s backsides, and oddly enough a few on Rarity’s.

The fake donkey approached the counter and coughed politely into her hoof, throwing her voice a few octaves deeper. “May I have a beer please?”

A slimy, overweight stallion wearing an apron approached, his fur a dark grey and his mane a light pink done up in a mohawk. “What kind of beer?” He drawled, not even looking up from the cup he was cleaning.

“The alcoholic kind.”

The bartender looked down at her for several long seconds before erupting in laughter. “I like you.” He turned and grabbed a beer from a fridge behind him, popped the top, and put it on the counter. “On the house.”

Rarity smiled. “Why thank you.”

Twilight joined her a moment later, sitting on the still next to Rarity. “I’ll have the house red please.”

The bartender looked over at her and just snorted. “Eight bits.”

“B-but his was free!”

“I like him.” His eyes narrowed. “Not you.”

The disguised unicorn summoned eight bits in a burst of magic, exchanging it for a dirty cup of red wine. She looked down at the cup in dismay before sighing and taking a sip, her eyes lighting up immediately. “Oh, that's good.”

The bartender snorted. “Are you insinuating something?”

“N-no I.” She looked over at Rarity and brought the cup back up to her lips, which made the stallion chuckle.

“Good choice missy.” He turned back to Rarity and nodded. “So what are you two here for?”

“What's to say we aren't here for a few drinks?” Rarity asked simply.

The bartender snorted. “Folk who ain't regulars are always here for a reason that ain't my delicious dacquiries.”

Rarity sipped at her beer and nodded. “Yes, we are looking for someone capable of stitching a real doll. We were told they hang around here.”

The bartender’s eyes grew distant and he grimaced. “You don't want to deal with him, he's a monster.” He turned and spat a loogie on the floor.

“Err yes well we must see him. Its a matter of some importance,” real Rarity remarked.

The stallion next to Rarity turned and grunted. “Trust old Grey here, that animal shouldn't be around ponies.”

Rarity turned to the stallion, noticing that he wore a faux leather jacket, pants, and wide-brimmed hat all of which only barely contained his massive bulging muscles and glistening black fur. But that wasn't what caught her attention, it was the fact that everything he wore seemed to be custom-made. “Who made those wonderful clothes?” dead Rarity asked.

The stallion blinked, looking down at his vest with a smile. “Oh, this old thing? It's just something I made a few years back when I was dating this biker.” He pulled open the vest, revealing an enormous snarling pig breathing fire, framed by chains. “You like it?”

“Not exactly my style per se but that stitch work is to die for, how did you get the horns on that pig creature to stick out like that?”

The stallion grinned. “Double over under stitch layered in a cross-hatch pattern, it was tough but worth it.”

Rarity nodded slowly, running a hoof over the twin horns that seemed to grow from the pig beast’s head. “Yes, very.”

“Ahem,” Twilight muttered, jabbing Rarity in the torso and trying to ignore the disgusting squelching noise that resulted from such an action.

The stallion leaned on the bar, glaring intently at the mare. “Is this pony bugging you?” he asked, looking over at Rarity.

The disguised unicorn hummed in thought, making Twilight sweat. “No, she's fine, thank you, darling.”

The stallion blushed. “No problem.”

Twilight rolled her hoof before pointing at the disguised unicorn.

“Oh right.” Rarity turned back to the stallion. “I know this doll maker is not a savory type but I really must see him. You wouldn't happen to know where he is by chance, would you?”

The stallion’s features darkened and he grimaced, his gaze lingering in the distance as if he had just seen a ghost. “You don't want to see him.” His eyes narrowed. “He is the foulest of the foul.”

Rarity gulped and looked over at a now-shaking Twilight before turning back to the stallion. “How bad?”

The stallion reached out and grabbed the dead unicorn by the shoulders, forcing their eyes to meet. “Imagine the most horrible thing possible, then times it by a million then cover it in bees. Thats how horrible he is.”

The bartender leaned on the bar. “Trust us, you don't want to see this guy. He makes Discord look like a foal.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow, noticing that the bar had grown quiet, just about everypony leaning towards them, intent on listening into the conversation. “Why is everypony saying that?” Rarity asked.

Twilight stopped biting her hooves. “Are you sure we want to know Rarity, what if he's a…” she looked back and forth before leaning in. “A psycho killer.”

“No, worse.” The stallion remarked darkly.

The bartender leaned even closer, discarding the glass he had been polishing. “Do you really wanna know?”

The stallion let go of the dead pony. “Don't, it's not worth it man.”

Rarity glanced at the stallion and then back to the bartender, her face becoming grim. “I do.”

Grey nodded slowly. “Cover your ears, boys.”

Nearly every one of the stallions in the crowd covered their ears as instructed, humming tunes and looking away. Glancing at Twilight Rarity found that the alicorn had followed suit, rolling her eyes, the dead unicorn smacked the alicorn’s hoof away.

She turned back to the bartender, ignoring the glare she was getting from Twilight. “We're ready.”

He nodded slowly, giving the room a glance before leaning in close. “He uses the evilest method imaginable. The dreaded…” He gulped hard as if trying to swallow something truly foul before looking up at Rarity, wincing. “He uses the laisy daisy double back stitch method.”

As if on cue every stallion in the bar turned their head and spat, a few gasping, several fainting and one even fanning himself and looking as if he was on the verge of tears.

Rarity grimaced and shook his head. “He truly is the spawn of something truly evil.”

Twilight blinked, looking around slowly. “Err is that it? So he stitches differently, so what?”

Several more stallions fainted, a few more gasped, and one male from across the room yelled. “EEEEEVIL!” At the top of his lungs before being dragged away by a younger-looking stallion.

The bartender scowled. “Don't you have any sense to you girl? That's the evilest method of stitching in the history of sewing.”

The alicorn blinked. “Wait, your all sewers.”

Rarity hissed, jabbing her hoof into her friend’s midsection. “They are tailors and talented ones at that, have some respect!”

“Yeesh whatever.” The disguised, not Rarity recoiled, rubbing her midsection.

A heavy hoof settled on Rarity’s shoulder. “Thanks, man, but it's okay, we know not everyone understands our lifestyle.”

“Wait, then why is it called the stitch and snitch.” Twilight leaned in. “Your sign has a rat getting stabbed for Celestia’s sake.”

The bartender sighed. “It was supposed to have button eyes. Snitch is the bar mascot.” He pointed up to the very top of the booze shelf, where a small plush rat toy sat proudly, a needle sticking out of his back.

“Huh,” Twilight mumbled dumbly.

“That is interesting but you wouldn't happen to know where we can find this devil by chance? It's imperative we acquire his services.” Rarity added.

“I can't talk you out of it can I?” he sighed. “I will, but first you have to get us a new name for the wall.”

Twilight gulped. “Okay, who do we have to kill?”

The bartender recoiled. “What, who said anything about killing anypony?”

The alicorn recoiled, gesturing to the scratch-filled wall. “For the wall, you kill ponies right?”

“You should be ashamed of yourself!” Yelled a random stallion, followed by a chorus of agreement.

“But what about all the scratches? They look like they were carved with a knife!” Twilight lamented.

The bartender sighed. “That's just Razor’s Edge, he's a little… eager.” He turned to the end of the bar where a creepy little stallion was sharpening a long blade with a whetstone.

Noticing the ponies looking over at him he perked up, grinned, and waving at them.

The bartender leaned a little closer and whispered. “He's a nice enough guy, just really likes knives.”

“Oookay then.” Rarity smiled. “So what name do we have to get for you and how does one go about getting a name anyway?”

Grey smirked. “It's our collection of autographs, we keep the real things in the back in a glass case and keep track of the ones that we have out here on the wall.”

The disguised unicorn ran a hoof through her fake beard. “Ahh, that makes sense why they are all names of designers.”

The stallion next to her grinned, bumping her shoulder. “Now you're getting it.” He turned to the bartender. “Hey Grey you mind if I tell her about the next name we're looking for?”

The bartender grinned. “Go ahead, Hog.”

Hog grinned. “Right, so there is this amazing new fashionista coming out of Ponyville and she just opened up a shop here in Canterlot but doesn't come by a lot.” He sighed. “Me and the boys can't seem to catch her when she's in.”

He shook his head. “But she is amazing! She even made dresses for the elements of harmony. Which she's a part of and if the rumors are true she's even putting together an order for the princesses!” He grinned. “And her name is Rarity.” He swooned. “If I swung that way I would be head over heels for her.”

A couple of stallions including the bartender all nodded knowingly.

Rarity smirked. “Do you have a pen and paper ready?”

Grey nodded, grabbing a perfectly rectangular three-inch business card that had gold and silver embroidery on it and putting it on the bar next to a pen. “Just be careful. Those cards are expensive.”

The disguised unicorn smiled and grabbed the pen and swiftly scrawled her full name, drawing a gasp from the bartender and most of the gathered stallions.

“Is this some kind of joke?” He sneered. “You can't just forge her signature, that goes against the whole spirit of the wall!”

A sudden screech drew everyone’s attention where the Razor’s Edge was holding his dagger against the wall. “What?” He asked.

“Cut it out! They haven't brought us the name yet you dolt!” He spun around and scowled at the dead unicorn. “What kind of game are you trying to pull here mister?”

Instead of being intimated Rarity merely smiled. “Twilight’s last gala dress was a double hem with split stitching used for most of it but the piece de la resistance as far as the stitching was the seed pattern I used for the edge of the dress that I disguised as part of the star pattern right under the silver belle constellation.”

The bartender blinked, glancing over at Hog Wild who nodded slowly. “That is correct but any pony could know that.”

“But did you know what color of thread I used or where I hid my signature?” Rarity asked, leaning a little closer.

“No, what?” Hog asked.

“Don't encourage him! He ain't Rarity!” Grey yelled, gesturing at the disguised mare.

“Magenta Midnight and the signature is in the stars, only viewable upside down and under a three-quarter shadow.”

The bartender blinked, before turning to a stallion seemingly at random. “Scrap! You got that picture still?”

A tall, thin-looking stallion with glue for a cutie mark suddenly stood, hoisting up a massive book. “You know it, boss!”

“Get up here and prove this luny wrong!”

The stallion trotted up to the counter and plunked the heavy book down on the counter before flipping through innumerable pages and stopping suddenly, jamming his hoof into the center. The page showed all the dresses Rarity had made for the gala, including Twilight’s and while most of the element bearers were smiling for the camera, Twilight was shoving an entire eclair into her mouth and looking back at the camera with a guilty expression.

Twilight grumbled silently.

Grey turned the book over and cast his hoof over the picture, revealing Rarity’s signature hidden in the corner of the dress, right under the silver belle constellation.

A collective gasp went up through the crowd and Grey dropped the scrapbook in shock.

The silence that fell over the crowd was punctuated by a loud whoop and the screech as a knife carved another name into the wall.

“Well, I’ll be. What the hay are you doing here dressed like that? And why are they disguised as you?” The bartender looked from the real, but currently disguised as a donkey, Rarity to the fake, disguised as Rarity Twilight in confusion.

Rarity sighed, dropping the fake accent she had been using until now. “It's a long story but suffice it to say I need to meet this particular pony for a secret project.”

Hog Wild gasped. “A secret project? You must tell us the details!”

The unicorn smirked. “Then it wouldn't be a secret.”

Grey shot him a quick glare. “Don't pressure the artist, Hog.” The large stallion deflated slightly.

“Sorry miss.”

Rarity smiled. “It's no problem at all.”

“Here.” Grey pushed a small piece of paper across the table. “That's where he usually is, hopefully, he can bring some good into the world. For once.”

“Hey wait, I look just like Rarity! Why didn't anypony ask me for her autograph?” Twilight asked in disbelief.

A chorus of laughter erupted from the bar and grey pounded a hoof against the bar, laughing hard enough to make Twilight’s glass shake in her hoof. Eventually, the room quieted once more and the old stallion wiped tears from his eyes. “I don't know who you are but Rarity wouldn't be caught dead without wearing something from her fall lineup. Have you even seen her line of spring hats?” He smirked.

Twilight slumped in her chair, earning her a reassuring pat on the back from her dead friend. “It was a good plan darling.”

“Yeah, whatever.” The alicorn lamented.

The disguised unicorn grabbed her beer, downed the rest, and tossed the paper at Twilight who deftly caught it in her magic. “Let's go, darling.”

“Wait!” The bartender reached out and brushed his hoof across Rarity’s. “Can't you stay for another drink? It's on the house, for the rest of the night!”

Hog grinned. “Yes you must stay, I have so many questions!”

Rarity sighed. “I’m afraid I must go, this project is time sensitive.”

Both stallions groaned and pulled back.

“But.” She flashed her best, most winning smile. “I do have a free night open next week friday when I will be back in town and I might be able to be convinced to spend my evening with you fine gentle colts.”

Hog Wild whooped, pumping a hoof into the air.

“Name your price!”

“Have three bottles of chateau boedilaire sixty-seven in stock and you got yourself a deal,” Rarity replied.

Grey grinned. “You know got it, miss Belle!”

“Please, just call me Rarity.” The unicorn said, throwing a wink at the bartender, who gasped and fell to the floor clutching his heart.

Together the two mares left, a wide path having opened in the crowd, weeping stallions lining the way out. The disguised mare nodded and waved, lingering long enough to sign a few more autographs before slipping out the door and blowing one last kiss to the gathered stallions.

A collective sigh passed through the bar, drawing a giggle from the deceased mare.

Rarity turned, smiling wide as she walked into the night, her head held a little higher.

Twilight followed close behind shaking her head. “Well, that certainly was… interesting.”

“You really need to think more of your fellow ponies darling.” The fashionista chuckled.

Twilight sighed. “I guess you’re right Rarity.”

“And I guess you were dead wrong,” The deceased unicorn giggled.

“It was better when I said it,” Twilight muttered somewhat bitterly.

Author's Note

Solar Scouts Save The Day!

Twilight stared off into space, the now undisguised mare appearing rather dejected in her dead friend’s eyes.

“A bit for your thoughts,” Rarity metaphorically offered, as she had no money on her person.

“Maybe I do need to reexamine my biases,” Twilight remarked.

“Or you could just get out more,” Rarity countered. “I’d say you should join Pinkie Pie and I on our monthly excursion to the clubs, but I don't think I’ll be doing much of that anytime soon.”

“Yeah, not really much point in drinking,” Twilight exclaimed.

Rarity wished her eyebrows were still attached so she may lift one of them in order to better show how quizzical she was. The mare, still disguised as a donkey, decided instead to just sigh and hope Twilight got her meaning.

“Is there a reason you are still disguised as me?” Rarity asked her fake duplicant.

“I don't want any undue princess attention, and I like looking pretty,” Twilight replied.

Rarity faked her best sigh. “You know you are already pretty. You don't need to look like me.”

“Just take it as a compliment,” Twilight exclaimed.

Rarity brushed aside her friend’s strangeness and focused her attention straight ahead.

Together they walked on in relative silence, enjoying the quiet evening and the stunning vista of the distant setting sun. So distracted by Equestria at Twilight that the pair were barely even aware of their immediate surroundings. Rarity was inspired, and imagining dresses, while Twilight was wondering if she could turn her recent experience into a friendship lesson.

Then thought better of it, because the ultimate lesson kind of made her look like at best a moron, and at worst a bigot.

Emerging out onto the street from the narrow confines of an alley at the top of a hill, they did not notice that two foals were lying in wait. One was nearby and leaped out from cover in order to shove Twilight, still disguised as Rarity, forward. Where her stumbling hooves found four rollerskates perfectly aligned so the glamoured alicorn landed atop them.

“Got her, ready the box!” shouted Blue Tumbler.

“Woah, what, in the hay?” Twilight muttered.

Rarity moved to stop the first filly from fleeing but found that she was already gliding down the street. Hooves gripping a bent piece of metal, the young mare nearly vanished out of sight, zipping down a zipline. Just ahead of her, Twilight had regained enough of her bearings to try and turn but found that each pair of rollerskates was bound together by a metal bar.

“Wait a second. I have magic,” Twilight exclaimed, suddenly quite proud of herself for remembering something that should be unforgettable.

Her plan to simply teleport away was thwarted quite perfectly when a thick iron band was dropped over her horn. Magic now cut off, Twilight began to wobble on her skates, nearly toppling over. Thankfully a certain yellow filly was there to catch her, or at least catch her in the broadest sense of the word.

As instead of ensuring that the disguised alicorn did not fall over, she merely flipped a wooden box over. Right in Twilight's path, there was no way for the already woozy mare to avoid the sudden obstacle before her. With a thump, the alicorn slammed into the back of the container and went limp, vanishing from sight when the top was dropped into place.

Both fillies then hammered several nails into the box and flipped it over using a pulley system attached to the sign overhead. The wooden advert proudly displayed the name of the inn nearby, one that went by ‘Over A Barrel’. There was an odd bit of comical irony there, but Rarity didn't have the presence of mind to enjoy it at the moment.

“Stop, pony nappers!” Rarity shouted.

“Zombies aren't people!” yelled Blue Tumbler.

Who received a hoof upside the head. “Argue with the zombie lover later. We gotta move!”

“Right,” Blue Tumbler muttered.

With a quick twist and a yank, the box was hefted up onto their backs, nearly dropping the pair to their knees.

“Wow she is really heavy,” Sunny Pies murmured.

“I didn't think a zombie would weigh this much,” Blue Tumbler added.

Still several blocks away, Rarity cursed her refusal to learn teleportation from Twilight when she had the chance. She made a mental note to remedy that soon, provided Twilight survived, though that ship may have already sailed.

“She's not a zombie, drop her!” Rarity yelled.

“The solar scouts know a zombie when they see one!” Retorted Blue Tumbler.

“Quiet, focus on running!” berated her companion.

“Stop, we can talk about this!” Rarity shouted.

The fillies ignored Rarity and began to sprint off down the street, the pair running in lockstep, their payload laying inert on their backs.

“Why aren't you fighting back?” Rarity muttered.

The disguised lich made a note to get Twilight some self defense courses, or at least teach her how to flail wildly. Anything would have been a marked improvement over the seemingly unconscious pony trapped within the wooden box. Rarity had at least a little pity for her friend though and assumed she had been knocked out when her face slammed into the ground.

“Stop, she's princess Twilight!” Rarity shouted.

Her fumbling, mostly decayed hooves did not exactly aid her in this matter. Add to that how hard it was to run inside her cramped costume, and it was a bit of a shocker that she hadn't tripped yet. As if jinxed by some omnipotent entity narrating her misadventures, one of Rarity’s hooves hit a loose cobblestone.

“Bwah!” she yelled.

Toppling end over end, Rarity slammed into the ground with enough force to make her donkey mask nearly come loose. Only a bit of magic kept the thing from flying off and revealing that the meat around her neck had sloughed off in the chaos. It joined the majority of Rarity’s remaining guts and blood in the bottoms of the costume, making the hooves bloat. Each slogging hoof step was punctuated by a wet slop, slowing Rarity down even further.

“Stars above, what is wrong with my luck today?” Rarity murmured.

Looking around, Rarity found that the streets were relatively empty, and the city seemed abandoned. Caught between when everyone came home from work, and when they left to enjoy the nightlife, the roads were mostly free of traffic. Thankfully a random cabbage merchant stepped out in front of the fillies, causing them to slow down briefly.

“I’m not going to catch up like this,” Rarity remarked to herself.

Looking around, Rarity located a sewer grate between a pair of unponied stalls on the right hand of the road. Awkwardly trundling over there, Rarity raised a leg and cut open the bottom of the costume with her magic. Congealed blood, bits of rotten meat, and hunks of flesh tumbled out of the opening, falling into the sewer, inadvertently making a sanitation worker’s day very very unpleasant.

After repeating this motion three more times, and nearly losing a hoof in the process, Rarity sewed up the openings. Thankful that her anti-smell enchantment remained intact, the fashionista swiftly continued the chase. Now unburdened by the majority of her body weight, Rarity was able to catch up relatively quickly.

Unfortunately for her, the fillies had quite a lead and were nearly a full city block ahead of their pursuer. Weaving in and out of the few ponies which dotted the street, they made a beeline out of the district. Far ahead, nearly on the horizon, lay a set of city gates, beyond which glimmered Canterlot Castle.

“Wait, Solar Scouts, zombie…” Rarity groaned. “I know where they are going.”

Ahead, the two fillies ran on, their confidence growing with each second they were not harangued by their pursuer. Though they did not mentally use the word harangued as they were in middle school and were not pretentious writers flexing their expansive vernacular. Regardless of how they formulated such a thought, they were relieved when the weird misshapen donkey wasn't yelling at them anymore.

“Do you think she was right, and that this isn't a zombie?” Sunny Pies exclaimed, glancing out of the corner of her eye.

At her profusely sweating, panting, and utterly disheveled companion, who between gulps of air managed to say. “If she wasn't a zombie why did she collapse when we put the ring on her?”

“I mean I guess, but she could just be a really powerful unicorn,” Sunny Pies retorted. “Also, why are you so exhausted? I thought you said you were jogging every morning.”

“I just said that so you’d stop making me watch poke mans. That show is terrible,” Blue Tumbler replied.

“How dare you! We are going to have a very long talk about lying once we drop this zombie off at the castle,” Sunny Pies declared.

Blue Tumbler wondered briefly if her friend was actually twelve years old like she always said she was, or if she had been twelve for a long time. That last thought was pushed out of mind relatively quickly and was replaced by a mental reminder for the filly to read less fanfiction. Advice that she was going to forget later, as she was a true patron of the arts, and partook in as much fanfiction as her little heart desired.

The rest of their trek was relatively quiet, with the only sound being a few ignored questions leveled by curious adults. Inquiries into what they were doing, what they were doing, and “what's in the box man, what's in the box?” were brushed aside. They had important matters to attend to, such as fulfilling their duty to both princess and country.

A duty that they definitely did not giggle at the thought of, as they were grown-ups who didn't find such toilet humor amusing. If they were at home, out of the public eye, they would have totally laughed though, as let's face it, duty is a funny word. Either way, they made their way up to the castle and approached the main gate, box still resting across their withers.

“Well, what do we have here, hmm? A delivery for the castle I take it?” remarked the lone royal guard stationed outside.

Identical to all the others of his station, the male had a tall, white horn and a spear resting against his shoulder.

“We’ve caught a zombie,” Sunny Pies declared.

“Yeah, totally,” Blue Tumbler added between gasps.

“No they have not,” stated the still-disguised donkey Rarity, who stepped out from a nearby alleyway and walked over to them. “In fact, they have stolen away princess Twilight Sparkle herself.”

“Pfft, princess Twilight isn't a zombie. Also, I know what she looks like. I have a poster of her above my bed,” Blue Tumbler proclaimed, only to blush. “Err I mean, my sister does.”

“Tumbler, don't lie to the guard,” Sunny Pies hissed.

“Augh, fine it's my poster,” Blue Tumbler whined.

“That doesn't really matter, but okay,” murmured the guard.

“Would you please free my friend? I’m fairly certain she’s suffered a head injury or two in that box of yours,” Rarity pressed.

“Yeah, why don't you show us this zombie of yours,” added the soldier.

The fillies glanced at one another and nodded.

“Alright, mister but you better cover your nose, she smells worse than that donkey over there,” Blue Tumbler declared. “Not like I think all donkeys smell bad- oof.”

An elbow to the gut stopped the filly from inserting her hoof too deep into her own metaphorical mouth.

“Right, one sec,” Blue Tumbler muttered.

The two fillies maneuvered out from under the box, lowered it to the ground, and let it drop the last inch or two with a thump. They then took a step back, allowing Rarity to use her magic to pry off the top, revealing an unconscious Twilight Sparkle with her tongue sticking out. Eyes rolled back in their sockets, it wasn't immediately apparent if the alicorn was even breathing.

“Oh my gosh, it really was Twilight Sparkle!” Blue Tumbler shouted. “We are so gonna get thrown in the dungeon for this.”

“I told you this was a bad idea!” Sunny Pies added.

Rarity ignored the quarreling fillies, and reached down, plucking the iron ring from her friend’s horn. The moment it was no longer in the way, Twilight gasped, and began to cough violently, spitting a wad of phlegm at Rarity. Thankfully the disguised corpse was able to step out of the way at the last moment, saving her already shredded dignity from one last indignity.

“What the hay happened and where am I?” Twilight murmured.

“Blue Tumbler pony napped you! I had nothing to do with it!” Sunny Pies shouted.

“What, you're the one who came up with the rollerblade trap!” Blue Tumbler retorted.

“But they were your rollerblades!” Sunny Pies yelled back.

“Girls, girls, relax. Let Twilight gather her bearings,” interrupted the guard.

“You were pony napped, and brought to the castle,” Rarity explained.

“Oh right, those solar knights were there,” Twilight murmured, clutching her head. “I thought I had them disbanded when I became a princess.”

“They changed their name and are more of a community advocacy group centered on teaching young fillies essential life skills,” offered the guard, with a smile.

“How did you know that?” Rarity asked.

“My little one is a solar scout ranger,” the guard’s grin widened, nearly bursting with fatherly pride. “Has nearly every badge there is.”

“Wait, your daughter is Prissy Pants?” Blue Tumbler asked.

“Your questionable choice of names aside, I believe as though some manner of punishment is in order,” Rarity interjected, choosing to not mention that the poor kid’s name abbreviated to P. Pants.

Twilight cleared her throat, and awkwardly untangled her limbs, rising out of the crate. “I think you both should write me a friendship report on what you learned here today,” Twilight proclaimed, raising a hoof to cut off the flood of thanks that was about to drown the alicorn. “And I want you to inform your parents as to what happened.”

“Oh absolutely,” Blue Tumbler lied.

“We’ll definitely do that,” Sunny Pies added, the filly lying just as poorly as her companion.

“Steve here will make sure of that, won't you Steve?” Twilight asked, turning to the guard.

“Oh uh yeah. Totally,” he awkwardly declared.

The two fillies sighed, the pair realizing that they weren't about to get away with it anymore.

“Well that could be… worse,” Blue Tumbler muttered.

Twilight lurched forward suddenly, her gaze narrowing. “But if your report is not up to snuff or I hear about you pony-napping anyone else, I’m going to banish you to the moon. Got it?”

“Yes ma’am!” the pair shouted.

“Good, now you better start writing because it's due by tomorrow!” Twilight yelled.

The duo yelped, and ran off, leaving a snickering Twilight behind.

“It was nice seeing you Steve, say hi to the missus for me,” Twilight remarked before walking away.

“Err of course. Goodnight ma’am,” Steve murmured.

Rarity was quick to catch up with Twilight as she walked away from the castle and back towards Canterlot’s center.

“I’m not sure I agree with you scaring them like that,” Rarity remarked.

Twilight snorted. “They got off lucky.”

“Still, that was a bit heartless, don't you think?” Rarity inquired.

Twilight stopped abruptly, and turned to her deceased friend, eyes blazing brightly. “You take that back right now,” demanded the alicorn.

“Now Twilight, even you must admit-” Rarity began.

“I said. Take it back,” Twilight repeated.

For a moment Rarity was convinced she could feel her heart suddenly begin beating, even though it was at that very moment, being chewed on by a rat somewhere in Canterlot sewer.

“I’m sorry,” Rarity replied almost automatically. “I take it back.”

Twilight sighed. “Let's just… go back to the boutique okay? We pick up the search tomorrow after we’ve had a chance to clean you down to your bones.”

“Right,” Rarity reluctantly agreed.

Eying her friend in a new, and slightly darker light (both literally and figuratively, as the sun had very nearly set at that point), Rarity found herself perturbed. Something was clearly the matter with Twilight, but Rarity couldn't quite put her hoof on it, and this time the thing hadn't fallen off so she couldn't even use that excuse.

Author's Note

A Grave Affair Put To Rest

Rarity arose from the vat of acid as gracefully as a newly defleshed being of resplendent white bone could manage. Which is to say barely at all, as she was still getting used to moving her limbs without the use of muscles. This was fairly difficult and took a bit of focus but Rarity was an expert at multitasking.

Clambering to the edge of the tub, Rarity hauled herself over the edge and lay on the ground. As she gathered herself, she looked about her now mostly ruined storage room in the basement of her Canterlot boutique. Once a warehouse for her unsold product, it had gained a rather grim new purpose of removing flesh from bone.

Rarity lamented the change only briefly, a sudden flash catching her attention. Glancing out of the corner of her eye, Rarity noticed the familiar purple flame as a letter burnt up. As if guided by Spike’s breath, it filtered out the basement window and vanished into the mid-morning darkness.

“I am surprised you are still awake darling,” Rarity offered, using a simple spell to replicate speech, a necessity now that she was naught but bones.

“It wouldn't be the first time I’ve pulled an all-nighter to help a friend,” Twilight replied.

The alicorn barely even phased by the long hours she had spent awake, but that wasn't too strange. Rarity had heard of Twilight's self-proclaimed ‘epic research adventures’ on more than one occasion. That and she had also been privy to many stories, courtesy of Spike, that concluded with finding Twilight asleep on a book.

“I appreciate it, darling,” Rarity remarked.

The skeleton then hefted herself from the ground, assembling her bones into the shape of a pony.

“We should also probably use a hardening lacquer or something in order to protect against wear and tear,” Twilight muttered. “But we can do that later.”

“Right. Now, what are we going to do about me? I don't think our disguises from before will work this time,” Rarity offered.

“Oh uh yeah. No,” Twilight murmured. “But don't worry, I’ve got a backup idea.”

The alicorn then pulled out a bag, one that she slung over her withers.

“Get it? It's a backpack, and I said I had a backup,” Twilight asked, only to frown. “Oh no. All these dead puns are making me as bad as Pinkie.”

“Noone’s as bad as Pinkie,” Rarity replied. “Though at least she would have more grace than to stuff me into a saddle bag.”

“It's either this or I teleport us there,” Twilight retorted.

“Nuh-uh, no way. Teleportation destroys the original body and then makes a new one. I already died once and I don't want to do it again,” Rarity exclaimed.

“I thought you wanted to learn how to teleport, also that's not how it works,” Twilight shot back.

“Well, when you’re stuck in a vat of acid for eight hours you get to thinking,” Rarity stated.

Twilight hummed. “Fair. But on the way back to Ponyville I will explain how teleportation works and I’m sorry to say that there is nothing you can do to stop me.”

She was not, in fact, sorry at all, but that's beside the point.

“Fine,” Rarity conceded. “Now then. Can we continue to our rendezvous, or should we wait for noon?”

“Nah, if I remember correctly they were a bit of a…” Twilight paused, clearly searching for a word. “Early riser.”

Rarity stared at the bag on her friend’s back, frowning internally with barely contained annoyance. Of course, to anyone else, it just looked like the skeleton was emotionless, leaving Twilight to just assume that she was not thrilled by the idea.

“Alright then,” Rarity muttered in a low, defeated tone. “Haul me.”

Twilight grinned.

“By the way,” Rarity muttered, her empty eye sockets peeking out of the lip of Twilight's backpack. “Who were you sending a letter to this morning?”

Twilight slowed down for a moment, nearly causing an overweight mare to run into the princess. “Just Spike,” Twilight offered. “We did leave in a hurry yesterday.”

Though it made sense, the explanation didn't make Rarity’s suspicions go away completely. She couldn't exactly do anything about that, however, not while she was stuffed into a bag being carried by Twilight. One may have assumed that having one's entire body tangled up in such a manner would have been unpleasant. Yet to Rarity, it felt exhilarating in a way, as if she had done the final boss of yoga, and unlocked her third eye or something.

Without anything to talk about, they walked in silence, with Twilight occasionally glancing down at the card they had been given. Her occasional mutters could sometimes be heard by Rarity, who picked up on her friend’s confusion. Twilight clearly didn't expect to find their target at the location they were rapidly approaching.

Her confusion only grew as they passed by a large four-story home in upper Canterlot. There, standing before them was a rather large house equally as opulent as the rest in the area. It was also, Rarity noticed, only a block away from where Twilight's parent’s lived.

“Are you sure this is the place?” Rarity whispered from inside the bag.

“Only one way to find out,” Twilight replied.

Twilight walked up to the large door and paused just before reaching for the knocker.

“What's the hold-up?” Rarity asked.

“Here, you tell me,” Twilight retorted.

Turning to the side, Twilight revealed that the knocker was made of brass and was shaped like a ballsack dangling from a hook.

“Augh, how gauche,” Rarity muttered. “I’m surprised that's not an HOA violation given the rather opulent area.”

“If it isn't, it should be,” Twilight murmured.

“Well, go on,” Rarity encouraged.

Twilight grumbled but reluctantly lit her horn, refusing to touch something as ridiculous as the fake pair of testicles. Three rapid knocks later, the pair stood quietly on the stoop, glancing about the area. The enormous covered porch was very turn of the century, in Rarity’s judgment though her inspection ended rather abruptly after only a few seconds.

The door opened, and a dour-looking earth pony with grey fur, a long black mane, and a pick bow tie emerged. Her expression was flat, neutral, and she eyed Twilight with not the presumed sense of awe a princess usually inspired.

“What is it?” she demanded.

“We were looking for Scratch. We have a rather personal commission for her,” Twilight whispered in a low tone.

“Why are you whispering, its just us,” deadpanned the other mare, who refused to introduce herself though whose name was Octavia, if it wasn't already obvious.

“Because its important, and secret,” Twilight replied.

Octavia rolled her eyes and took a deep breathe. “Vinyl, you have a client!” shouted the mare in a voice so loud Rarity felt her bones vibrate for a few seconds.

“Just a sec!” yelled back another voice.

“So uh, did you guys happen to get my letter?” Twilight inquired in an even quieter tone. One so low that Rarity could barely even hear.

“The mail is not delivered on Sunday,” Octavia deadpanned.

“Oh, it was magical. You know, dragon fire,” Twilight added, wiggling her hoof in emphasis as if that helped illustrate her point.

Octavia raised an eyebrow. “We installed a blocker after one too many spam letters showed up.”

Twilight shifted from hoof to hoof. “Oh no. Uh okay. Rarity, I’m going to leave you here for a moment while I-”

“Wait, Rarity is here? Don't tell me shes the skull poking out of your bag?” Octavia inquired.

“Oh I am, unfortunately,” Rarity replied.

“Look why don't you two get acquainted while I just peek inside for a moment and have a chat with Vinyl? Hows that sound?” Twilight half asked, half stated, a crooked grin spreading across her face.

“I don't see why wouldn't stay out here,” Rarity stated as she was unceremoniously shoved into Octavia’s confused hooves.

“Plus I don't want you in my house,” Octavia added.

“Just like, two seconds I need to-”

Twilight's hurried offer was cut off when Vinyl Scratch appeared, the bespectacled mare picking Twilight up and squeezing her tightly.

“Oh if it isn't my favorite customer. Would you look at that, you haven't even split any seems. That's rare,” Vinyl Scratch proclaimed, dropping the alicorn back on the ground. “So what are you hear for, a bit of extra fluff around the goods, or- wait don't tell me.”

Vinyl Scratch raised a hoof. “You figured out the issue with our experiments on replicating a stomach! Aha, I knew you’d get it eventually.”

“Oh uh no I’m definitely not a doll,” Twilight proclaimed. “That was all a joke, a joke between old friends. Isn't that right?”

“Ha, your such a kidder, sure you're a doll, in more than one way,” Vinyl Scratch replied, elbowing Twilight in the squishy midsection.

“Twilight,” Rarity began. “Explain.”

The alicorn looked to Rarity, and for a moment got a flash of the unicorn’s signature tired glare. The expression brooked no argument and shut down Twilight's initial urge of teleporting away.

“Guess the cat’s out of the bag, eh?” Twilight muttered, in a surprisingly accurate Canadian accent.

“Oh? You didn't know? Dang, and here I thought you two were here on some kinda weird date thing,” Vinyl Scratch remarked, scratching the back of her neck.

“I do believe that's a thing that only we do, dear,” Octavia offered.

“Heh. We are freaks like that,” Vinyl admitted.

“Wait, first off. Are you two dead as well?” Rarity inquired.

“Guilty as charged,” Vinyl declared.

“Actually there is no law against being an undead,” Twilight corrected.

“Whatever, egghead,” Octavia retorted.

The deadpan mare and her dead mare shared a hoof bump.

“But yes,” Vinyl picked back up. “We are both deceased. See?”

The musician then removed her glasses to reveal that she had big black buttons for eyes. Octavia followed it up by pulling back her bangs and showing off a rather wicked-looking scar that went across her entire forehead.

“What happened?” Rarity inquired.

“Got killed, and resurrected by the spiritual embodiment of adulthood,” Vinyl stated. “Its a whole thing, don't worry about analyzing it too much, just enjoy how pretty the whole thing is.”

“My mother is Frankenmare,” Octavia added.

“Oh really? Do you mind answering a few questions because I need to know. Does that make you the monster or your mother?” Twilight asked.

“I’m Octavia,” deadpanned Octavia.

“Anyway,” Rarity interjected. “Twilight, what happened to you?”

“Alright, so you know that first week after I became an alicorn where I just sorta, fell off the planet?” Twilight inquired.

Rarity wiggled her head in an approximation of a nod.

“Right, so I was so paranoid about failing in my duties that looked up every law that has ever been passed in Equestrian history,” Twilight began.

“Which is why you know being a corpse isn't against the law,” Rarity pointed out.

“Exactly, and well I kinda did what you did,” Twilight continued, pausing to shrug. “Got super focused, died, brought myself back, and then ended up seeing Vinyl. The last time I saw her she was single, and living across town.”

“Yeah its been a crazy few years. Did you know I’m technically a duke now? Nutty stuff eh?” Vinyl remarked.

“It has been tumultuous, but amazing,” Octavia added, her voice gaining the first bit of emotion Rarity had noticed.

“And yeah. That's kind of everything,” Twilight winced. “I hope you’re not too surprised, or mad at me.”

“Oh I’m just surprised it didn't happen earlier given your penchant for late-night study sessions,” Rarity exclaimed.

“Thankfully my mother watched over me, otherwise I would have probably totally died when I was like, ten,” Twilight admitted.

“I have a few questions though,” Rarity stated.

“So long as you don't ask me something like, what is beauty? I never did enjoy philosophy,” Twilight replied.

Rarity wished, not for the first time, that she had eyes solely to roll them in annoyance. “No, that is not one of my concerns. Rather I was wondering why you have emotions and I don't.”

“Oh, I uh… fixed that,” Twilight admitted.

“Sick, really? When did that happen?” Vinyl asked.

“Like, right after coming to Ponyville. Getting friends really opened me up to new experiences,” Twilight replied.

“I don't think that's what Rarity meant,” Octavia retorted.

Twilight blinked. “Oh right, the whole dead emotions thing not me learning to express my emotions thing. About, two months after I died. I think? That time was a bit of a blur.”

“So when were you thinking of fixing that for me?” Rarity asked.

“After we got you a body so you wouldn't freak out too much,” Twilight answered, wincing and rubbing the back of her neck. “Sorry if that's a bit selfish.”

“No, thats… understandable,” Rarity murmured.

“Wow, you two are like, really good at this whole communication thing,” Vinyl murmured. “Kinda makes me want to do better too.”

“You do tend to bottle things up,” Octavia pointed out.

“True,” Vinyl muttered.

“Next question,” Rarity continued. “Why were you so gung ho on ‘studying’ me after finding out I died. Didn't you have other subjects, like Vinyl here, or yourself?”

“Vinyl’s a special case, also I couldn't have done that. With a sample size of one, any conclusions I came up with would be worthless,” Twilight explained.

“She does have a point,” Vinyl added.

“Hush, the new couple are working out their differences,” Octavia demanded.

“Sorry you two,” Vinyl whispered.

“We are not… nevermind,” Rarity glanced back to Twilight. “Is that why you were so annoyed by the heartless comment?”

Twilight grimaced. “Yeah. It was a bit of a sore spot even before I died. Everyone assumed since I was so intent on studying that I hated them and so I was called that a lot.”

“I am very sorry Twilight. Please imagine that I am gently squeezing your shoulder right now,” Rarity offered.

Twilight patted Rarity’s phantom limb. “Thank you Rarity.”

“Last question,” Rarity declared. “I’m assuming you don't want anyone to know about your condition, correct?”

Twilight nodded again.

“Alright, then you have bought my silence. Under one condition,” Rarity offered.

“Of course, anything!” Twilight immediately replied.

“You get me a body as good as yours,” Rarity replied.

Twilight winced. “I don't suppose its too late to change my answer to anything but that?”

“Nope, shes got you good there Twi,” Vinyl remarked.

“Yes, I believe Rarity has you by the metaphorical balls,” Octavia exclaimed.

Twilight grumbled. “Fine. Vinyl, could you assist me?”

“Of course. I always wanted a second vacation home. What do you say Octy, want a chateau in prance?” Vinyl asked.

“Darling, please. You know the answer to that question already,” Octavia replied.

Vinyl chuckled. “Oh, this is gonna be good.”

“I’m gonna need a new bank account after this,” Twilight muttered.

Rarity strode through the entrance to her boutique in Ponyville, a smile on her disturbingly realistic face. All but prancing through her shop, the fashionista fell into her fainting couch with a soft, barely audible squeak. Twilight followed behind, flicking on the lights, and banishing the darkness that filled every nook.

“This is amazing darling. Vinyl sure does good work,” Rarity proclaimed.

“Well when you’ve had to maintain your own semi-inanimate body your whole adult life, you get pretty good at it,” Twilight replied, the alicorn sitting down across from the other mare.

“So,” Rarity began, a cheeky smile spreading across her face. “You didn't seem overly put off when they assumed we were dating.”

“Well, I mean… you are very pretty. We’ve established that what, eight times now?” Twilight muttered.

“Oh but whos counting?” Rarity dismissed with a smirk.

Twilight chuckled. “Well you probably already know this but I’ve had a slight crush on you for a while.”

“Oh I can tell darling, and despite you annoying me at every turn I can say this entire debacle has only made me appreciate you even more,” Rarity proclaimed.

Twilight's eyes widened, though not literally, as they were made of enchanted glass. “You don't mean…” Twilight began, her tone hopeful.

“I’m not promising anything,” Rarity interrupted, holding up a hoof. “But, I think you’ve earned at least a first date.”

“Yes,” Twilight whispered, pumping a hoof in victory.

Rarity opened her mouth to begin discussing what they could do before Sweetie Belle entered the room. Bleary-eyed, wearing pajamas, and clutching a teddybear, the young girl peered around the darkened area quizzically.

“Rarity, Twilight. Is that you?” Sweetie Belle murmured.

“Oh, I’m sorry darling. Did we wake you?” Rarity inquired, walking over to Sweetie Belle and cupping her cheeks.

“No, I was just going to sleep, also your hooves are really soft,” Sweetie Belle murmured.

“Thank you, darling, but you really should get back to bed,” Rarity pressed.

“What about you guys, you didn't just get home did you?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“We took the midnight train, going Anywhere, but thankfully after that brief stop, it came to Ponyville,” Twilight offered.

Sweetie Belle frowned. “Oh wow, you guys must be dead tired.”

The two corpse dolls stared at one another before erupting with laughter.

“Don't worry though, I’m a mourning person!” Twilight exclaimed, elbowing Rarity.

“It wasn't too bad. We do put the fun in funeral,” Rarity added.

“We made a few grave mistakes, but we were able to dig ourselves out of it!” Twilight proclaimed.

The pair erupted with laughter a second time, disturbing Sweetie Belle so much that she slipped silently out of the room.

“Wow,” Sweetie Belle whispered to herself, laughter echoing through the house. “They had all those ready to go. I guess they were just dying to make a bad pun for some reason.”