When Puns Attack
Proofread By Fluttrick
“Go on, Twilight! Finish the story!”
“B-but why do you want to hear it?”
“Because it's hilarious! Come on, Twi!”
Twilight Sparkle didn't know what to do. She stood above all five of the excited mares on the checkered blanket. While eagerly perched on their hind legs, they ate fancy food from the picnic basket. All of them wore expressions of amusement as they stared demandingly at the blushing unicorn, who was trying desperately to change the subject. It was only when Rainbow Dash poked her that Twilight realised she was daydreaming.
“Oh, uh, where was I?”
“You know, the bit when your brother gets stuck in his armour!”
“Well, it was a long time ago, but I still remember-”
“Gosh darn it, Twilight, cut to the chase!” Applejack said impatiently.
“Now, Applejack, you cannot simply rush comedy,” said Rarity. “Not that you know anything about that, anyway.” Applejack narrowed her eyes at the unicorn as she mumbled incoherently under her breath. Turning to Twilight, Rarity winked before speaking in her polite tone. “Whenever you're ready, darling.”
Twilight took this as her cue to continue her story once more. Though hesitant, she carried on for the sake of her peers. Or was it their respect she desired? If they lost their high opinions of her, it would... Humour, Twilight, think about the humour.
“Anyway, the armour was just too big for him. He outgrew it, you see. After unsuccessfully removing it with my magic, I tried to find some lubricant to slip him out. I discovered a little, white bottle and began applying it to the armour.”
Twilight's friends tried to suppress their laughter. If even one of them broke the build-up, the comedy of the moment would be gone forever. As hard as it was, they all tittered and snorted without a sound.
“As It turned out that, it wasn't lubricant at all. That little, white bottle was actually a bottle of glue. Not your average, run-of-the-mill glue, either. Have you ever accidentally dropped industrial strength super glue on yourself? Well, try a whole bottle's worth.”
The group roared into laughter. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie fell on top of each other as they giggled away heartily. Rarity and Applejack retained their sitting postions, even when the sound of the nearby river was blocked out by their shared laughter. Fluttershy, of course, let out petite chuckles as her friends struggled to contain themselves. Between bouts of absolute joy, Pinkie Pie somehow managed to speak.
“So... what happened next?”
“Well, I only discovered it was glue when I looked on the other side of the empty bottle! It was too late to do anything, and my parents had just walked through the door. As it happened, they couldn't do anything, either.”
“What about... your brother?”
“Oh, we couldn't get the armour off him for another week or so.”
The merriment only grew in volume. Even Applejack was rolling around on the ground at this point, struggling to stop her own uncontrollable self. Twilight stood above the laughing wrecks of ponies, quietly giggling to herself about the story. It was a pleasant memory — one that had gathered dust in her mind. She'd only been reminded of this fact when it was shared with her friends. Perhaps she should do this more often. Perhaps stories like that needed to be told.
“Sounds like a... sticky situation.” Rainbow Dash said plaintively. Even when Twilight thought it impossible, the noise of laughter increased temporarily, only to be followed by a chorus of unamused groans.
“What? It wasn't that bad...” Dash crossed her hooves, looking disappointedly at the friends surrounding her.
“It certainly made me laugh, darling,” Rarity said before taking a munch out of a cucumber sandwich.
“Well, that's a... rarity.”
Another series of groans and sighs sounded through the majority of the group. All but Twilight Sparkle voiced their contempts. She, on the other hoof, simply stood above them, curious as to what her friends were talking about.
“Rainbow... that was jus' bad.”
“I'd like to see you do better, Applejack! Come on, let's have a pun duel! Right here, right now!”
Twilight had to speak up. Just what was a 'pun', and how did it have anything to do with duelling? “Dash, what do you mean by a pun duel?”
The pegasus was taken aback. “You know, it's when you have a fight with puns.”
“But what precisely is a fight with puns?”
Dash raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying you don't understand what puns are?”
“Well, yes, I suppose so.”
“Now, Twilight Sparkle, that's not very bright of you, is it?”
“Oh, that's so very punny, Pinkie.”
“Not so bad yourself, Fluttershy!”
Twilight looked back and forth between the bickering ponies. None of them were going to offer an explanation voluntarily, so she'd have to force them. Twilight was a pony who knew what she wanted to get, and exactly how to get it.
“Girls, why don't you just tell me?”
Applejack took this as her cue — her moment to prove the others how talented she was in comedy. It was not known to her as to how much time she'd spent working on the pun, but it was certainly going to be worth it. She stood up from the checkered blanket, put on a confident grin and began her masterpiece.
“Well, Twilight, Ah hope this won't give you nightmares, cos Ah know makin' jokes like these are practically suisaddle. Ah'm sure if Ah tried to come up with aneighthing else, someone would try to rein on my parade.”
The group before Applejack were simply flabbergasted. No doubt their mouths were wide open in surprise or shock, not in disappointment. It didn't matter — Applejack had never held a grudge before, and she sure wouldn't now. At least they would respect her as a comedy genius, not just an ordinary farmer.
“... Those are the worst puns I have ever heard! That was a total pun... ishment!”
“What unspeakable horrors have you unleashed upon our ears, Applejack? I just... don't understand why you would do that.”
“Um, I've even heard better from Angel.”
Applejack didn't know what to say. She tipped the brim of her hat over her eyes in an attempt to block their discriminating stares. How could they not understand? Were they not entertained? It took so long to formulate her plan, and it was apparently all for nothing. With the hat reducing her line of sight to... well, her hat, Applejack subtly used her peripheral vision to take a look at Twilight; perhaps she found the puns funny. If she got it, at least Applejack wouldn't feel like a complete failure, exactly as she did now.
When she looked over, however, she couldn't find her.
“Hey, where did Twi go?”
It was obvious these so-called 'puns' were contagious, so Twilight Sparkle had to hurry. Not only had Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy had been affected, but now Applejack, too. It was always possible to fix things, and Twilight wasn't the type to simply give up. She sped through the streets of Ponyville, her tail flowing delicately in the breeze behind her.
Several ponies watched Twilight curiously as she rushed past them. Some even attempted to ask her, but she had to ignore them to the best of her ability. These 'puns' were spreading much faster than she expected, and she possibly only had a limited amount of time to stop them.
“Hey, Twilight, what's wrong? Is your fridge running?”
Twilight skidded to a halt. She turned to face the pony who asked. The mare in question was Roseluck, who, at this precise time, stood rather simplistically, seemingly waiting for a reply.
“No, I don't have a fridge.”
“Well, you better...” Roseluck raised a hoof to her chin as she thought on the spot. Twilight could literally see the cogs in her mind turn and work. “Shit, I've got nothing. Sorry about that.”
Twilight smiled awkwardly before galloping away as fast as her legs would carry her. She feared the worst — these 'puns' seemed to be gaining in strength, whatever they were. Even the normal townsfolk were involved.
The library came into view. Its unorthodox shape and size was easy to see between the small, normal houses around it, even from where Twilight was. It wasn't long before she stood in front of the door. With a swish of her magical horn, she opened it and ran on through. She then closed it behind her.
“Spike? Are you here? Can you hear me?”
“Ugh, keep it down, Twi — not feeling too well.” The baby dragon said as he presented himself from behind the bookshelf. He held a spotty blanket around himself to prevent the cold getting in. “In fact, I'm a little hoarse today, so I —”
“No, you're a little dragon.”
Twilight raised a hoof to her mouth, surprised at her involuntary interruption. This 'pun' infestation had finally breached her defences. Well, it was only a matter of time, anyway; everyone else had seemingly fallen prey to the spread. It was too late, and there was nothing she could do about it.
“Heh, I guess that's right,” Spike said before letting out a strained giggle.
“But I didn't mean it like that! How is that even funny?”
Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing a wildly-panting Pinkie Pie. “Wait, Twilight!” She exclaimed before placing a hoof on Twilight's mouth to stop any interferences. “Oh, just give me a second, will you?” A couple of seconds passed by as Pinkie caught her breath, keeping the unicorn's mouth closed the entire time. When said unicorn began to stare daggers, Pinkie knew she'd pushed her luck.
“Okay, I don't think you understand. Only a little bit. See, those puns we were talking about are just bad jokes. Nothing else.” By now, the rest of Twilight's friends had entered the library, all nodding their heads in unison.
“Yeah, Twi, I don't know what in Celestia's name you were thinking. It was just bad humour, really,” Rainbow Dash confirmed.
Twilight carefully removed Pinkie's restricting hoof before countering. “But that isn't humorous! How can any of you find any form of entertainment in that?”
“Well, they're only good to laugh at how bad they actually are,” Rarity offered. By Twilight's puzzled expression, she knew she didn't understand a word of what she just said. “Look at it this way: you recall how myself and the others were groaning when Rainbow Dash made a pun?” Twilight nodded slowly.
“That was only because of how humorous the joke was. You see we only found it...” Rarity paused mid-sentence, stroking her chin in thought. “Actually, she is correct.”
The friends around her were shocked. “Rarity, what are you saying?”
“You know very well what I am saying. Puns are not comical; it is only the wisdom behind the puns that make them funny. We do not actually laugh at the pun itself, but rather the absolute horror and absurdity of the joke."
When Rarity stopped her explanation to find herself looking at a group of befuddled ponies, she gave an exasperated sigh. “You know what? It doesn't matter. Humour is far too interchangeable to keep tabs on. I suggest that, from this point on, we never use puns again."
The room remained silent for a couple of minutes. No one knew quite what to say, and so none of them said anything. It was apparent that none of them wanted to decide, and thus, a decision was not made. They all desperately looked in different directions of the room to avert eye contact until Pinkie broke the silence.
“Well, with that out of the way, who wants cupcakes?”
Spike raised a claw from the dark depths of his spotty blanket. “Oh, I do! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!”
Everyone in the room aside from the dragon himself simply slapped a hoof to their face or recoiled in horror. Only Fluttershy did the latter, scrunching her face up in terror. She covered her hooves over head as she dropped to the floor.
"What?"
