Discord Becomes a Post Office

by KenSES64

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Discord, Derpy Hooves, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1033

What the title says.

Well if you can't tell by the title this isn't meant to be taken seriously.

Special Thanks to thewaffler for this idea.

Art by: blmn564

Published 2012-09-24 21:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-24 21:54:01 UTC

Story

Discord Becomes a Post Office

By: KenSES64

Well, she did it. Celestia found a prison for me that not only can hold me, but is probably even more intolerable.

Let me explain. A few years after the Element wielders defeated me I was able to break free again. Oh the fun I had. Hills of ice cream, lakes of hot sauce and of course, chocolate rain. But because Celestia always has a stick up the butt and doesn’t like having a little fun she sent Twilight Sparkle and the others after me. Long story short I lost again.

Now, I’ll give you a moment to facepalm or facehoof or faceclaw. Just hit whatever is at the end of your arm against your face. Even if you have tentacles. Huh, now I kinda want tentacles now. Just so I can facetentacle and not in the other way that you were most likely thinking. As chaotic as I am I’ll admit that the Japonies are weird. Yet, it's not like weird is a bad thing, I'm just saying.

Back to what I was saying, After I was turned back into stone for the second time in a span of a few years Celestia figured, “You know what? Maybe it’s not smart to keep the spritit of chaos in my statue garden. Some foal can walk by and set him free.” Now I don’t know how she came to this solution, but she decided to have me ground up into powder and made into cement. Contrary to what you might think the whole being grounded into powder thing actually tickled instead of hurt.

Then the bags of cement were sent out where they were used for a new building for where else, but Ponyville. I’ll give you one guess to what type of building it was. Here’s a hint it’s in the title.

So after the construction of the new post office, apparently the old one was destroyed by somepony known as Ditzy Doo or Derpy Hooves, I found out that I was able to let my mind travel in what looked like a transparent version of my body. Well maybe travel isn’t the best term because I tried to leave, but I seemed bound by some force.

So stuck in this post office I try to do something, but guess what I can interact with anything. That's right no magic or anything. So the past few days have been really, really, really boring. I swear it's going to drive me insane. Well, more insane.

All there is to do is watch the staff, which isn’t much entertainment. First there’s a short guy who seems to be kinda blind. A tall stallion who from I can tell, is a complete loser. I’ve seen him bring a few magazines into the bathroom. If you know what I mean.

And finally there’s Derpy Hooves who is probably the most interesting. Speaking of which I see her fly through the front door sing to herself.

“Riding on The TARDIS we are the Knights of Time and Space.” She sings as she flies right through me.

Having nothing else to do I follow her to the staff lounge, where she takes out a box of muffins.

“Geez, Do you eat anything else?” I say aloud.

“Of Course I do Discord, but muffins are my favorite.” She responds and, Wait what?! She responded to me?!

“Uhhh... Miss Hooves... can you... ummm... see me?”

“Yup.”

“But, how? Why didn't you say anything befor? I have been here for a few days.”

She points at her crossed-eyes and says, “I see weird things all the time, but I have to make sure they're really there because when you have derpy weird eyes like mine sometimes you see things that are real and other times you see things that are like crazy, crazy, crazy in your face all the time. *Sigh* All the time. Speaking of which it’s 1:00 I almost forgot.” She picks up one of the muffins and go towards an open window where now there’s a tall white mare, wearing a black suit with a red tie and also didn’t have a face. Derpy hooves over the muffin to the creature and says, “Here’s your muffin for the day Slender Mare. It’s chocolate chip, your favorite. Have a nice day and don't stalk anypony that's what causes those rumers about you. Oh and tell Hoodie I said hi.” The mare nods and when I look away for a second it was gone.

“As I was saying I see weird things all the time. I think it’s because I have different eyes than everypony else or as I put it, I have wizard eyes!” She explained.

“Wizard eyes?”

“Yeah, I’m a paper bag wizard!” She said now sudenly wearind paper bags all over her body that vanished as soon as they appeared. Sorry Pinkie Pie, but I think I found a new best pony.

I start laughing and say, “You know it may be fun talking to you.”

“Oh you want to talk? Okay! What should we talk about? Oh I know. Let’s talk about muffins! I love muffins! There’s chocolate chip, blueberry, strawberry, banana, cherry, raisin, raspberry, corn, English even though that’s more of a biscuit. I don’t care what the Doctor says...”

She continued for what felt like hours and now I have to deal with this six days a week.

So yeah I’m a creature of chaos, trapped in a post office, I can’t do anything and the onlypony who can see me is a pegasus who won’t stop talking about muffins or whatnot, but mostly muffins. I can't even get a word in 95% of the time. Now have you ever been forced to just sit there while all you ever hear about is how great the last muffin Derpy had was. Now what I did my not have been enjoyed my Miss No Chaos For You, but I didn't torture anypony like this. Unless they were stupid enough to swim in one of the hot sauce lake, but that would have been their own fault. Oh Celestia you really know how to rustle my jimmies.