Left and Leaving

“Sir, wake up. It’s eight o’clock.”

Someone is nudging me. I open my eyes and blearily look up to see the older stallion from the night before standing over me. I’d spent the entire night on the floor next to her.

“I’m sorry, but it’s time.” He said, a mournful look in his eyes.

I stood up slowly, my back aching from lying on the hard surface for so long. I took one last look at her, and he closed the lid.

“The service is in an hour, sir. I suggest you get something to eat. There’s fresh coffee in the lounge.”

I nod absentmindedly, and walk out into the hall. The sunlight streaming in through the windows hurts my eyes, causing me to squint. I make my way to the lounge and pour a cup of the warm black liquid before sitting down on a nearby couch.

“Are you ready to go, sir?” The older stallion asks.

I realize that I’ve been staring at the wall for nearly forty-five minutes. The coffee has gone cold without me taking so much as a sip. I set the cup down on a table and follow him out into the street. We walk in silence to the nearby graveyard where everyone else is already waiting. As I approach them, they fall silent, watching me as I take my seat at the front of the group.

An open wound in the earth, marring the perfect green of the surrounding area. Suspended above the hole is her casket, waiting to be placed within. Seeing this makes everything finally feel real. They’re taking her away from me. Putting her where I can’t get to her anymore. Where I can’t see her.

I stare straight ahead, focused on the closed lid. The pastor gives his eulogy, but I don’t hear a word of it. I just stare.

“…As is custom, we lay these roses over the casket as a sign of our love for the departed.” The pastor says, and looks to me.

I snap out of my reverie, and rise from my seat. Gently, I pick up a rose and place it in the center of the coffin, before stepping aside. A line has formed behind me, all of them waiting with their roses ready. Ready to say goodbye and leave forever.

I watch as each of them steps forward and places a flower over her, some pausing for a moment to whisper a word or two at the box. After a few minutes have passed, everyone has taken their seats but me. I stand to the side of the hole, watching as she is lowered slowly into the ground. I hear sobbing around me, but I can’t look away from her, disappearing before my eyes. Inch by inch, she’s leaving me forever. A soft thud signifies the end of her journey, and the crowd slowly disperses.

I can’t leave. I can’t bring myself to tear away from the sight before me. Two stocky ponies move forward and begin to fill in the hole. The dirt showers down on her wooden tomb, slowly being covered up, as if a secret to be hidden away. I sit down and watch the two work.

Bit by bit, the hole fills in, until the only proof she was even there were the brown patch in the middle of all of this green and the simple headstone atop. One of the workers walks over to me and places a hoof on my shoulder for a moment. I look into his eyes and see true empathy. Without a word he removes his hoof and the two walk away. Again, we’re alone. I’m alone. And I can’t even see you now. All I have left is this small monument.

I don’t how long I’ve been sitting here, staring at her final place of rest. The sun begins to set, and dark clouds are forming overhead. I find myself wanting it to rain. It seems appropriate. Rain at a funeral.

As the first few drops begin to fall, I lay down on top of the patch of earth revealed in front of her tombstone and close my eyes. I can’t bring myself to leave you. You never wanted to leave me. The rain grows more intense, and lightning crackles in the distance. I shiver, but I don’t care. I won’t leave you.

I awake to find myself being carried by someone. It’s dark out, and the rain has almost ceased. I struggle to get to my feet.

“Let go of me! I can’t leave her!”

They pull me away, still struggling. Two pegasi, an older grey one and a younger one, blue with a teal mane. Their grip tightens, and I give up my attempt to escape them. They pull me out of the cemetery, releasing me as we exit the gates. I move to return to her, but the older one blocks my path.

“You need to come with us.” He says, his voice stern but reassuring.

I relent and follow them to a nearby all-night diner. They sit down next to each other, and I take a seat across from them. The younger one won’t look me in the eye. The waitress brings us some coffee and I notice we’re the only ones in the restaurant.

“Go ahead, son.” The older pegasus says to the younger.

The young pegasus looks up at me, his eyes mournful and watering. “I’m sorry…” he says, his voice breaking. “It’s all my fault.”

I look at him, confused, as he continues.

“I lost control of the storm. I don’t know what happened, but things started going crazy… Before we knew it, we couldn’t get it under control, and that’s when the hail started…”

He paused for a moment, looking down at his coffee. “She was trying to fix my mistake… If I hadn’t…” He began to sob.

I can’t look at him. I get up and begin to walk towards the exit, but the older pegasus begins to speak. “If she hadn’t been there, things would’ve been worse. We would have lost several of the weather ponies out there.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I reply, my voice like acid. “You fuck up, and she pays the price?”

The young pegasus averts his gaze from me.

“There was nothing we could do. She was in the center of the storm. We couldn’t see her.”

“Then you weren’t trying!” I yell. “She died out there. Alone. Did any of you even try to catch her?!”

“We couldn’t even see her. We didn’t know what had happened until the storm had started to clear.”

“Then what fucking good are you?!”

The staff is staring at me, but I don’t care anymore. “You let her die fixing your fuck up, and now you’re here to tell me you’re sorry?! You want me to forgive you for taking my wife from me?!”

“We just want you to know the truth.”

“Well that’s just great! Thanks for that! Now get the fuck out of my life!” I yell, and make my way to the door. “You’ve done enough damage. Just leave it at this.”

I walk home slowly, my stomach feeling like it’s been knotted. I open the door to our… my apartment, and sit down on the bed. It’ll never be the same again. Waking up next to her, our conversations over breakfast, that comfortable silence, it’s all in the past now. Nothing I can do will ever bring it back. I lay down on the bed, breathing in what’s left of her scent.