Earth Ponies Smell Like Rotten Sardines
“I can’t believe I let you girls talk me into this,” Anon said with frown.
“Come on, Anon,” Sunny pleaded. “You have to do it! The three pony races are nearly at war over this! Friendship and harmony in all of Equestria is falling apart because of this! You are the only one who can put an end to this question once and for all!”
“It just seems weird. And more than a little creepy.”
Zipp snorted. “You let my sister sit on your face. And you think this is weird and creepy?”
“Zipp!” Sunny and Pipp said at the same time. Both cast a glare at the pegasus. Anon could only guess his own glare at Zipp was just as intense.
Sunny sighed and turned her attention back to Anon. “Look, all you have to do is smell me and let me know if I really do smell like rotten sardines or not.”
“I thought Izzy already settled that question and said you didn’t?”
“But they all think Izzy is biased because she’s my friend. You are the only unbiased pony … I mean human in all of Equestria. We need your unbiased opinion.”
“I’m your friend too. But I’m not gonna sniff your ass if that’s what you want.”
“You don’t have to sniff my ass!” Sunny said, rolling her eyes. "All you have to do is smell my neck or something.”
“Fine … I’m still not sure how I let you talk me into this. But I’ll do it to save Equestria from total war.” With a deep breath, he put his nose close to Sunny’s neck and inhaled, then pulled back.
“You do not smell like rotten sardines. Are you happy now?”
“Unfair!” Zipp shouted. “I mean I know Sunny used to be an earth pony, but she’s an alicorn now! Of course she wouldn’t smell like rotten sardines anymore! Go smell Hitch!”
“Oh, no no no,” Hitch said, taking a couple of steps backwards. “Like Anon said, it’s weird, and more than a little bit creepy.”
“Come on Hitch, it’s for the good of Equestria,” Sunny said.
Hitch looked around. All of the mares were staring at him now.
“Ugh … Fine … Just make it quick.”
With a heavy sigh, Anon walked over to Hitch. The stallion winced as if the human were holding a whip or something. Hitch closed his eyes as Anon leaned in towards his neck and once again, inhaled deeply. Pulling away, he looked at the mares.
“Hitch doesn’t smell like rotten sardines either. Are you all happy now? Can I please go back to doing … just about anything other than this?”
Sunny suddenly produced a notebook that seemed to come from nowhere. “Not quite yet. I have questions. If we don’t smell like rotten sardines, what do we smell like? Strawberries? Or maybe blueberries? Or maybe roses? What does an earth pony smell like to a human?”
Anon’s heart sped up as he got more and more nervous. Again, he could have almost believed Sunny Starscout was Twilight Sparkle, except he knew she was not. He scratched his head and looked at the ground.
“You know … I can’t really think of anything to compare it to. But you definitely don’t smell like rotten sardines.”
Izzy, jumped up and down in place now. “Oh! Do me next! I bet I smell like crystals!” For a moment, he could have sworn maybe this was Pinkie Pie, if not for the horn and the fact that Pinkie Pie would expect to smell like cupcakes, or at least sugar. His original observation must be correct. This unicorn was just perpetually stoned. With his anger near a boiling point, he balled his fists and yelled.
“No! I was called here to determine whether earth ponies smell like rotten sardines or not and I did! I did my duty for Equestria! The kingdom is safe and this question will never come up again!”
Izzy lowered her head and her ears. Immediately, he regretted his outburst. He hadn’t known these ponies for long, but he had the impression that Izzy was an emotional roller coaster. He sighed as her sad-puppy look made his resolve crumble.
“Fine. But only for you Izzy.” The statement perked her right back up and he leaned into her neck and sniffed.
“Well? Do I smell like crystals?” she said, her eyes going wide as she stared at him.
“I uh … can’t really say. Since I don’t know what a crystal smells like?” He scratched his head nervously again.
“Well, now that you’ve done an alicorn, an earth pony, and a unicorn, you need to do me. I’m sure I smell like rainbows,” Zipp said.
Anon sighed again, but as long as he’d gone this far, he might as well finish. It was only one more pony to smell, after all. And so he leaned towards Zipp’s neck and sniffed.
“Again, I can’t really say … Since I don’t know what a rainbow smells like … Can I go now? I mean Equestria is saved thanks to me declaring that earth ponies don’t smell like rotten sardines. So seriously, can I go now?”
“Not yet,” Pipp said. “You didn’t do me!”
“You sat on my face, remember? I already know what you smell like!”
“Well, that part of me sure. But what about the rest of me?”
Again. Anon leaned into another pony neck and took a sniff, pulling back and coughing a bit.
“Again, I can’t say if pegasi smell like rainbows or not because I don’t know what a rainbow smells like. Are you happy now? I smelled all of you. I’ve saved Equestria by declaring that earth ponies do not smell like rotten sardines. Can I go now?”
“One more question.” Sunny Starscout’s horn glowed and her pen moved frantically over her notepad. “You’ve told us all what we don’t smell like. We don’t smell like rotten sardines. We don’t smell like strawberries or blueberries, or flowers, or honey. We don’t smell like like crystals or rainbows. But you haven’t told us what we do smell like. So what do we smell like to a human?"
Anon fidgeted with his fingers, trying to come up with the perfect lie. But then he remembered the Elements of Harmony, the reason he’d tried to come to Equestria to begin with. It was always best to tell the truth.
“Well, you all basically smell the same. You smell like horses.”
“What?” All of the mares narrowed their eyes at him now. Only Hitch seemed unphased.
“Uh … All of you except for Pipp, that is,” Anon stammered.
“I knew it!” Pipp said.
“Biased! He had sex with her!” Zipp shouted. “Of course he’s gonna say that she smells better than us!”
“Pipp smells like that Pafa la Pipp perfume I see advertised all the time. Whatever chemicals they use to make that stuff are nauseating and give me a headache.”
“What?" Pipp said, narrowing her eyes. All four mares started advancing on him now, and he took a step backwards.
“Uh … Remember your history, girls. I was just being honest, as Applejack said we should always do.”
But the mares were unmoved and took a few more menacing steps towards him.
"Uh … You all smell basically the same? That should help bring you all together, right?"
More steps towards him. More backpedaling.
“Applejack? Element of Honesty? You know?”
He continued to backpedal. The mares continued to advance, their gazes narrowing even further.
“Oh um … Look at the time!” Anon glanced at his wrist, even though he wasn’t wearing a watch. “I really gotta go!”
And with that. He turned and ran faster than he’d ever run before.
