A Matt Foley Hearth's Warming!
There's no greater feeling than getting a Winter break from school to celebrate the holidays with one's family and friends. But while most of the student body has already vacated the School of Friendship by now, six ill-fated friends--which consists of a mellow colt with a pale spring bud coat and a shaggy light cyan mane, a cheeky male griffon with blue feathers and fur, a snarky dragoness with orange scales, a spunky girl hippogriff with light pink feathers and a light blue mane, a sheepish girl changeling with a light blue carapace, and a hulking girl yak with brown fur and braided brown locks tied into hoops by pink ribbons--were finding their Winter break being slightly delayed. By the command of their Headmare, the six students were led to her office where six chairs were laid around her desk for them to seat their flanks upon.
Situating herself behind her desk alongside her dragon assistant, Headmare Twilight Sparkle held onto a stern gaze at the students before delivering a fierce scolding onto them. "Out of all days to pull pranks on school grounds, you six just had to go with Hearth's Warming Eve!"
"Take it easy, Headmare Twilight," the griffon known as Gallus shrugged off Twilight's frustration, "we were only expressing our holiday cheer."
"There are many ways to express holiday cheer," Twilight Sparkle informed her students, "and none of them include planting cherry bombs into the eggnog bowl or replacing the frosting for the Hearth's Warming cookies with sneezing powder or giving everypony presents that explode glitter into their faces upon being opened!"
"Look on the bright side," the sprightly hippogriff known as Silverstream spoke up. "At least we all were involved in those pranks, so you don't have to worry about feeling guilty over punishing a few students who were innocent like you did last time."
Being reminded of the time Gallus ruined the Hearth's Warming tree to prevent his friends from leaving him alone throughout the Winter break gave Twilight a mild headache over the severe berating she later received by the other five students' parents for preventing their kids from spending the holidays with them, especially being more than aware that Gallus was the sole culprit behind that prank, nor did he even pulled off said prank with the assistance of any of his friends.
After rubbing her temple for a few seconds, Twilight resumed her discussion. "Look, you six still need to be punished; but since I have no desire of getting another earful from your parents, I'll settle with something that shouldn't take up too much time."
"What did you have in mind, Headmare Twilight?" the softspoken changeling known as Ocellus inquired.
"During Summer break," Twilight relayed some necessary context for her students, "I stumbled upon an exhausted male human named Matt Foley who claimed to have run all the way to Ponyville after being pursued by Lord Tirek, Cozy Glow, and Queen Chrysalis, who were all ordered to beat him within an inch of his life by a warlock by the name of Grogar. Highly impossible, I know, especially since Grogar was long banished by Gusty the Great centuries ago, and if Tirek, Cozy Glow, and Chrysalis really were in league together, Princess Celestia would've informed my friends and I by now. But anyway, Matt claimed to have been summoned by 'Grogar' to serve as a motivational speaker. So I decided to let him stay in the School of Friendship for an occasion such as this."
"How come we've never seen him around this school before?" the orange dragoness known as Smolder asked.
"That's because I've kept Matt in that nearby broom closet, who also has been drinking hot chocolate as we've all been talking," Twilight motioned to the broom closet with her left hoof, "and I believe now is the time for you all to meet him. Spike, would you kindly let Matt out?"
Dutifully obliging her request, Spike flew over to the broom closet where he promptly opened the door and said, "Twilight says you can come out now."
The duteous dragon flew back just a tad in order to provide room for the husky male human with gelled orange hair and donning a thick pair of glasses, a white collared shirt with a green tie around his neck and a blue and white plaid sportscoat atop of the shirt, light brown khakis fitted with a belt that made his bulging belly look like a large, jiggling piece of jelly, and dress shoes, who everycreature can now see with their very eyes.
"Thanks sonny, I'll take it from here!" Moving towards the students, Matt stood in the center of the circle of chairs as he hoisted up his belt and bellowed, "Well, well, well! Now as your principal proudly told ya my name is Matt Foley, and I am a motivational speaker! Before we begin, I better tell you kids a few pointers about myself, so you'll know where I'm coming from; I am thirty-five years old, I am thrice divorced, and all I want for Christmas is to wake up from this kooky fever dream, and once again be living in a van down by the river!"
"Is this guy for real?" Gallus whispered his dubiety to Silverstream and Smolder, since they were both closest to him.
"You got something you like to share with the rest of us, Bird Boy?!" Matt walked right up to Gallus as he let out a holler right in front of the griffon's face which resulted in him catching an unwanted whiff of Matt's breath.
"Other than the fact that you could use a breath mint?" Gallus' quip earned him light chuckles from his friends in addition to himself.
"Oh that's funny, is it?!" Matt hitched up his belt some more. "Ole Matt's nothing but a clown to you, is he?! Well junior, let me be the first to tell you that the only thing laughing is gonna get ya, is a big stocking full of JACK SQUAT! And you definitely won't be doing any laughing when you're living in a van down by the river!"
"What's a van down by the river?" Silverstream eagerly wondered. "Is it some kind of waterpark?!"
"Living in a van down by the river seems like a fun idea to you, does it?!" Matt shifted his focus to the innocently naive hippogriff. "You must've thought those pranks you pulled with your compadres were pretty darn fun as well! Well let me tell you that your life isn't gonna be all fun and games when you leave this school; you're going to experience nothing but pain and misery which ultimately boils down to the absolute worse fate of living in a van down by the river!"
"I actually had to spend most of my life hiding in the ocean from the Storm King, so I don't think 'living in a van down by the river' could ever be worse than that."
"Put a sock in it, missy!" Matt returned to his previous position in the center. "Everything is all a game to you kids, isn't it?! You think y'all can just spoil everyone's holiday spirit and act like your actions will hold no consequences! I hope none of you were hoping to get a bunch of cool stuff for Christmas, because Santa doesn't waste his time over a bunch of naughty brats like you!" He then stomped towards Ocellus, much to her discomfort. "Young lady, what do you want for Christmas?!"
"I'm not really interested in any material possessions." Ocellus meekly confessed. "I want nothing more than my family and all my friends to experience nothing but peace and joy in their lives."
"Well whoop-de-FRICKIN-DOO!" Matt shouted with so much ferocity that it caused his glasses to fly off his face and land on the floor. Wasting no time in stepping to his glasses, Matt leaned down with a quick bend of his body as he reached for his glasses. But as his fingers grasped said glasses, his ears picked up the unmistakable sound of ripping fabric. It was at this moment that Matt realized he split his pants, to make this embarrassing situation even worse, Matt completely neglected to put on any underwear, which means all the students were given a clear view of his butt crack, resulting in various reactions of disgust from most of them with the exception of Silverstream--who appeared more oddly intrigued by Matt's utter lack of a tail.
Not wanting to leave his derrière exposed throughout his "motivational speech", Matt swiftly took off his sportscoat and tied the sleeves around his waist, all while tugging up his pants for good measure. Wishing to act as though this calamitous wardrobe malfunction never occurred, Matt placed a sweaty palm upon the shaggy maned colt's shoulder as he said, "Help me out, Buckaroo! It seems that there's a saint in this room, but Ole Matt can't see real good! Is that Mother Teresa over there?!"
"I don't know who that is." The confused pony known as Sandbar admitted.
"Don't take it too hard, kid," Matt ruffled the colt's mane, "I was dropped on my head as a baby too!" With that out of the way, Matt advanced back to Ocellus while tugging up his pants some more as he got up close to the timid changeling. "You're probably thinking that having these schmaltzy feelings towards everybody is going to make life cut you a break from any hardships, huh?! Well do Ole Matt a favor by closing your bug eyes and picture yourself flying through the air; everything's all tranquil, you can feel the wind breezing through your body and washing away all your stress, then suddenly," Matt then jolted Ocellus out of her serenity with a loud clap of his hands combined with an intense, "SMACK! You fly right into the barrier called life and find that you're completely unable to keep on moving! And you're gonna know exactly what that feels like, when you're living...!"
"'In a van down by the river', we get it!" Smolder blurted out the rest of Matt's go to phrase out of sheer annoyance.
"Oh you 'get it' do ya, Little Miss Sassafras?!" Matt turned his sights towards the cynical dragoness. "You must think you're a real hotshot in this school! Of course, had you been as sneaky with pulling those pranks as you are snarky, you wouldn't be in this room listening to Ole Matt describe how your life is going to be reduced into a giant pile of crap! So you'd better take everything I say seriously if you ever hope to succeed in anything!"
"On the contrary," Smolder confidently rebutted Matt, "my friends and I passed a test that would've resulted in us being trapped beneath the school had we failed, and we also thwarted a maniacal filly's attempt at destroying all magic and making herself emperor. And may I add that we accomplished both feats long before we've ever met you. So if we didn't require your so-called 'advice' then, then I'm more than certain that we won't be needing it now."
It isn't so often that Matt would find himself being left speechless, but Smolder's withering rejoinder has indeed succeeded in that. Unable to come up with a staggering comeback, Matt could only nervously laugh while pinching her scaly cheeks as he told her, "Well aren't you just a bundle of spunk!" Distancing himself from her as much as he can, Matt stopped in front of a hovering Spike as he whispered to him, "Now I know why some parents don't want kids in their lives!"
"Why are you telling me this?"
Having no explanation to provide the confused dragon, Matt opted to go straight to the yak known as Yona. "How 'bout you, Heifer?! Do you share your lizard friend's confidence?!"
"Mm-hmm, Yona can be best at anything so long yak's got friends beside her. Especially Sandbar."
That's when Matt's eyes took notice of the yak's and colt's hooves intertwined with one another. "Well, well, well, looks like we got us a couple of lovebirds! I bet you probably think that your boyfriend loves you so much that he would get up on stage and scream from the top of his lungs, 'Hey, look at me, I'm dating a fat girl! I like big butts and I cannot lie!'" This caused Sandbar to blush rather profusely at the mere thought of anyone finding out about his specific taste in girls. "I know exactly what love felt like with my first wife, Linda! Before I was a motivational speaker, I was a star quarterback for my high school's football team, and Linda was the head cheerleader, and we both got to be crowned the Prom King and Queen! Then once we both finished college together, we got ourselves married and had kids together, and boy was it the happiest time of my life...right until I lost our entire life savings after investing during the video game crash of '83, which led to Linda divorcing me and taking the kids with her to L.A.! I then experienced a depression that could only be sated through constant eating which turned me into the walking mass of fat that I am now! Then I eventually bumped into my soon to be second wife, Audrey, who found my obesity adorable enough to want to date me! And sooner or later, we got to get married, and it looked like things would turn around in my favor...until I crushed Audrey's spine when I got on top of her during our consummation and quickly divorced me and sapped me of every penny to cover her medical bills, due to now having to spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair! With nothing left but a quarter and a single lottery ticket, I used that single coin to scratch out my ticket to find I won a hundred million dollars! My newfound wealth got me an actual home, and it lured me into meeting my third wife, Rachel! It seemed like the third marriage would finally be the charm for me...until she divorced me three weeks later and won everything after the trial, including my home! So you listen carefully, girly! Your boyfriend may love you right now, and he might even marry you after you both graduate, but eventually he'll see you as nothing but a fat cow and leave you for a pretty, skinny girl, while you spend the rest of your life as a lonely loser like myself!"
Letting everything Matt said sink in caused Yona to let out a downpour of tears which elicited Sandbar, Ocellus, and Silverstream to comfort her, while Smolder and Gallus stared daggers into this potbellied jerk who just hurt their friend's feelings. Sensing the tension that's beginning to rise up, Twilight quickly attempted to deescalate the situation. "OK Matt, I know I asked you to set my students straight, but I think you should tone it down a bit."
"Principal," Matt looked her straight in the eye, "I'd appreciate it if you could give me the greatest present of all time and shut your damn cakehole!"
"Did somepony say cake?! Because I brought a big one with me!" the voice of Professor Pinkie Pie ringed in as she pushed a cart carrying a towering cake of pink and white frosting into the room.
"That's what I'm talking about!" Matt salivated over the delectable cake that Pinkie Pie presented. "Nothing like a quick snack break to get you into the Holiday spirit!"
Rather than wait for the pink pony to cut up a slice for him, Matt decided to toss all sense of table manners out the window as he dug both his hands into the cake and jam the largest piece he could carry right into his face!
"Ooh, I like your style!" Following Matt's example, Pinkie Pie plunged her whole face into the cake as well.
While Matt continued to stuff his face, Smolder worked up the courage to say, "So can we all just go now? Because we all would like to celebrate the Holidays as soon as possible."
"Shut your pipe hole, Sassafras!" Matt shouted back with chunks of cake spraying out of his mouth. "I don't give a rats' behind that you have places to go to!" Licking off the frosting that covered his glasses and wiping the stains on his fingers with his shirt, Matt continued his speech. "From where I'm standing there is only one way to fill the Holiday spirit in the rest of you, and that's by having you all sing a carol of my own composition!" Digging through the broom closet, Matt handed out sheets of paper containing lyrics to his own remade version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". As Matt led the students through the song, Silverstream was the only one who put any kind of enthusiasm into the singing, while Yona was still too hurt to say anything, and the others merely sang every word without any ounce of emotion whatsoever. The entire song went something like this:
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my ex-wife gave to me!
Twelve restraining orders,
Eleven Chippendale dancers,
Ten white ninjas,
Nine cups of coffee,
Eight campaign buttons,
Seven bus drivers,
Six lunch ladies,
Five genital warts,
Four broken tables,
Three brake pads,
Two little coats,
And a van down by the river!
When the song finally did end, the students were hoping that this lecture would be over, but Matt felt like dragging it out much further. "That didn't sound like holiday cheer to me! I definitely didn't hear anything coming out of your fat mouth, yak girl! What, ya still upset about me telling you how ya gonna spend the rest of your life alone with nobody to love?! Well you would've found out about it the hard way had I not told you, so you should be thanking me! Now unless you plan on holding your friends back from their precious holidays, you better sing with more cheer! How 'bout if I get you some cake to eat?! Will that motivate you, Porker?!"
"That's enough!" Everyone was absolutely shellshocked to hear such an outraged tone of voice coming from Sandbar of all ponies. "Look, I understand life has been hard on you, but that doesn't give you the right to treat my girlfriend like trash! I demand that you apologize to her!"
"Well, looks like I struck a nerve in ya! What do ya plan to do if I don't apologize to your girlfriend, Tiny?!"
"I maybe pacifistic by nature, but I'm not afraid to fight you if it means getting you to take back the awful things you said to Yona!"
Headmare Twilight's instincts kicked in fast enough to compel her to fly in between the colt and the motivational speaker before any violence could escalate. "Now, now, let's not forget that fighting is prohibited on school grounds and that Sandbar's parents won't take too kindly to hear that their son has been harmed."
"Not to worry, Principal!" Matt pushed her aside. "Ole Matt will take full responsibility for any injuries this boy sustains; as a matter of fact, I myself am a firm celebrater of a holiday known as Festivus, which involves a little tradition known as the Feats of Strength! So if this pony boy wants to pick a fight with me, I'll be happy to oblige! All you kids move the chairs out of the way, while I'll move the principal's desk!"
As everycreature moved their respective chairs out of the way, Matt rolled up his sleeves as he commenced his attempt at pushing Twilight's desk, to absolutely no avail. Not wanting to wait for Matt to regain his strength, Twilight blanketed the desk with an aura of her magic and lifted it herself.
"I inched it a little bit for ya," Matt claimed a smidgen of credit.
"Sure you did." Twilight rolled her eyes.
With the room completely cleared for this Feats of Strength, Matt confidently told Sandbar, "Since I'm in a generous mood, I'll let you land the first hit! Come on, punch me right in the face has hard as you can!" Leaning forward with his eyes completely shut, Matt was practically gift wrapping the perfect chance for Sandbar to show this jerk who's boss. Unfortunately for Sandbar, his fighting spirit had begun to wane as his inherent passiveness started to kick in. Something which did not go unnoticed by Matt. "Getting cold hooves already?! I imagine that ox of a girlfriend of yours wouldn't hesitate to punch me right now! I guess that's why you're dating her; because you know that you're nothing but a spineless wimp who could never fight his own battles, yet alone fight for the honor of the girl he loves, even when someone like me calls her a fat cow right in front of your face!"
If Matt was intentionally providing Sandbar with an incentive to want to knock his block off, he definitely succeeded. Feeling all new kinds of rage swell inside him, Sandbar turned his body around and delivered a hard kick with his hind legs. Only instead of hitting Matt's face, his legs connected with Matt's groin instead! And the force of that kick must've been powerful as it caused Matt to drop to his knees with both his hands caressing his injured tenders while his face turned red as he was wheezing out the words, "Holy Schnikes!"
"Does this mean you'll apologize, now?" Sandbar asked, expecting Matt to yield by this point.
"Are you kidding?!" Matt got back to his feet. "I felt love taps that were way harder than that puny kick of yours! Hell, if I wanted my jingle bells fondled, I would've just paid your mother a visit!"
It was one thing to insult Sandbar's girlfriend, but slandering his mom was practically a death wish. He may not have any desire to kill Matt Foley, but the enraged colt did find the nerve to ram into Matt's belly with enough force to send the man flying right out of Twilight's window with a loud crash! Everyone quickly rushed to the window to see the aftermath of Matt falling from two stories and landing on the snow-covered ground.
"Is he dead?" Gallus asked what everycreature was wondering.
"I'm all right!" Matt rose up to the surprise of everyone. "I've sustained worse injuries than that, and luckily for me my roommate had broken my fall!" He then picked up a blue unicorn that everyone recognized to be Counsellor Starlight's friend, Trixie--who was currently in the process of seeing stars after bearing the brunt of Matt's fall. "My work here is finished, if ya need me, I'll be celebrating the holidays with my roommate, in her wagon down by the river!"
As Matt trudged through the snow with Trixie in hand, Twilight turned to her students and said, "OK, I think that covers your punishment. Enjoy your Winter break, and for the love of Celestia, don't ever make me bring that guy back here again!"
While Sandbar was walking out of the room, he stopped near the doorway when he received a congratulatory bump to the shoulder from Smolder. "That was pretty cool the way you sent that guy packing out the window." The dragoness commended her pony friend's act of courage.
"I would've done the same for any of you had he hurt any of your feelings."
"I believe you," Gallus joined in. "I just can't imagine how your parents will react when they find out you beat up a guest speaker."
"I'd appreciate it if you can keep it a secret from my folks."
"You don't have to worry about me spilling the beans to your parents," Gallus assured the colt. "I'm spending the Winter break with Smolder and her family, after all."
"I just hope you have the stomach for gemstones." Smolder wrapped an arm around Gallus as she led the griffon to the Train Station.
Sandbar felt himself receiving a hug, and quickly found out that it was Ocellus who was giving it to him. "Happy Hearth's Warming, Sandbar."
"You too, Ocellus."
After the changeling came Silverstream, who's even more talkative than she's ever been. "I mean, I know that Matt guy was abrasive in his lecture, but it sorta reminded me of the time Professor's Applejack and Rainbow Dash purposely did the wrong things to show us what not to do. And I'm still curious to find out what 'living in a van down by the river' is truly like, and if it's as bad as Matt made it out to be?"
"Maybe one of your relatives will give you a van as a present?" Sandbar suggested.
"That would be amazing!" The hyper hippogriff wrapped her pony friend in a gripping hug that could give Pinkie Pie a run for her bits before bidding him farewell.
As Sandbar was finally prepared to leave, he stopped once more when he felt a kiss being planted on his cheek. It didn't take him too long to know that said kiss was a gift from Yona. "Thanks for standing up for yak."
"What are boyfriends for?" Sandbar blushed as he rubbed the back of his head.
"What speaker said may hurt Yona a lot, but at least Yona got to see how pony love yak enough to fight for her."
"Speaking of which, what Matt said about me getting tired of you and leaving you for another girl. I would never do any of those things to you; I'd love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Yona knows."
The two young lovers proceeded to rub each other's noses for a brief moment before Sandbar suggested, "You know, your train doesn't leave for another five minutes. You wanna kiss under the mistletoe for a while?"
"Yak's best at mistletoe kissing!"
And so the two lovers nestled alongside each other while holding each other's hooves as they made their way to the school entrance where the mistletoe can be found, with their love having been made stronger than it already was thanks to that Hearth's Warming motivational speech, courtesy of Matt Foley.
