Chapters I Got Sued by a Horse Fuck You, Sir Issac Newton How I Slammed my Ass into a Horse’s Face My Roommate is Spider Lady Chrysalis and I Talk Over Soup. Nothing Else Happens, nope. Dinner with the ‘Elements’ I Screamed Like a Girl During a Wedding I Got Swindled by a Horse My Bug Horse Guards are Awesome How I Saved a Whole Town with a Brick What the Fuck is a Cutie Mark? Well, Today Happened Wow, Diamond Tiara’s Mom is a Bitch All Aboard to the Crystal Empire Chrysalis Reads my Diary I Killed Celestia’s Ex-husband Date With Chrysalis This Isn’t Cannon(bonus chapter) A Horseshoehorned Idea Celestia Hijacked this Chapter I’m Going to kill the Princess of Friendship, Whoever They Are So Like, Twilight’s Crown Got stolen Sunset Shimmer gets a Half-Baked Therapist(me) I Got a Couple Dogs “Hello, Welcome to Mcdonalds, Home of the Big Mac, How Can I Take Your Order?” This Isn’t Canon 2: The Invasion(bonus chapter) Pet Stories before Sunset Redbull Gives You Wings So I Became a Prince and Tried to unAlicorn Myself. It Didn’t Work by the Way I’m a Goofy Goober yeah! Nightmare Moon got Married Of Cults and Duels This Isn’t Cannon 3: Pre-Unification!(bonus chapter) This Isn’t Cannon 4: I Got Kidnapped by a Nugget(Bonus Chapter) Me and Twilight get Stuck in a Hole Hearth’s Warming is Magical My First Great Galloping Gala The Gala Continues This isn’t Cannon 5(Twilight Dies?) Luna Battled a Vending Machine. Also had a ‘Normal’ Chat with Celestia. There is a Cult. Bro, it’s not even a month after New Years and There’s a Fucking Cult in the Middle of Nowhere You know, sometimes I wished I coulda done what my parents asked of me. Y’know, go to college, study, and become ‘the doctor’ as they say it. Perhaps this was some funny way of the universe trying to teach me what I should know by now; mom and dad know best! Well, if I went to college then I might be able to comprehend what the fuck just happened. You see, apparently not listening to your parents results in a portal to hell opening up and dropping you on top of the rulers of this place.
And you know how I know this? Well, I’m currently on trial for ‘attempted assination of the crown’ with both rulers as the judges. By the way, said rulers were horses, and I guess I’m one too. You see… uh, well I was once human, and I have been writing in a journal, that I had on me, for no particular reason. So you see, apparently in this country, there’s this thing called the ‘Great Galloping Gala’, which is essentially this realm’s way of celebrating new years. And I happened to fall into the event which startled everybody.
It especially pissed off one of the rulers that sat before me, there were two, both of which were sisters apparently. The white one, also known as Princess Celestia, was eying me with a practiced, small, neutral frown, while intently listening to eye witnesses. The main things that she had that stood out was her physics defying, rainbow colored mane, and the pair of wings she had. Oh and a horn, was apparently immortal and dubbed ‘the Mare of the Morn’ among other things. What any of that implied, I had no clue.
The problem is, the blue one, also known as Princess Luna, was glaring at me.
You know how I said I fell from the ceiling out of fucking nowhere? Well, apparently Princess Luna, who had a coat that entirely contrasted her sister’s dark blue, almost black), had wings and a horn, and a physics defying, blue mane that looked like it had the night sky within itself(I think I saw planet Earth in there!). Oh right, Princess Luna. You see, this year’s Great Galloping Gala was the first one in a millenium that, as these horses call her, the Mare of the Moon had willingly taken part in.
Oh yeah, and I landed right on fucking top of her back, which didn’t hurt her somehow(it hurt me a lot), and sent the two of us crashing to the ground. Apparently one of the eye witnesses was just about to ask Princess Luna for a dance and I completely ruined it. Ha! Get blue balled, idiot! Your Princess is in another castle, bitch. Well, I got dragged off of the Princess I unceremoniously crash landed on, by a bunch of guards, arrested, and promptly put on trial the following day.
Oh yeah, I have a horn(which I noticed could be used for telekinetic and magical purposes). Well, that didn’t really matter, right? Oh son of a bitch, I’m going up to defend myself without a lawyer, and I’ve been too busy writing in this journal to pay attention to what these guys were saying about me… Welp, I’m dead. That’s all there is to it, I’m gonna die because I didn’t go to college and wanted to become a doctor. Instead, I went to try and learn comedy because I’m stupid.
“Do thou have anything to say? Thou have fallen on our back with malicious intent, and thy have nothing to speak of?“ Oh cool, Princess Luna speaks like her language is a tiny bit out of date… by a thousand years. Luna got up from her chair(she was a judge and also the one suing me. That's kinda impressive since she was also acting as her own lawyer). I looked up at her, slowly set my journal down, and got up from my chair to give my case.
The one government class I took in highschool told me that I should start with an opening statement. But you see, I’m entirely screwed, so my brain told me I should find a corner and cry in it… well, I can’t do that, so I might as well give an honest description of what the heck happened from my point of view, even ifi it would seem nonsensical and have me thrown in a mental facility.
“So uh, I don’t really know what the heck I’m doing, so bare with me here…” I cleared my throat and lowered my voice to a few octaves. Whalla! The perfect lawyer voice! “You see, I was heading out to college as I usually do everyday…” I chuckled as I figured I could turn this into a joke. “And as embarrassing as this sounds, I was going to improv class.” Damn, no laughs. Tough crowd. “Anyways, instead of stepping out my door onto a sidewalk, some ethereal being told me I should go fuck myself!”
Everybody flinched when I said that. Was cursing bad? “My apologies for saying that, I will watch my languag- ah shit!” I accidentally knocked my cup of water on the journal I had… well, it would've spilled had it not been enveloped in a yellow aura, as Princess Celestia’s horn glowed in a similar color. I chuckled a bit, really, I’m gonna have a heart attack at some point, I start trying to joke about shit when I’m stressed out. “Thank you, Princess, anyway, I’m gonna skip to the main event, since I’m royally fucked here.”
I saw Princess Celestia struggle not to smirk at that! Maybe I won’t die. “I kinda woke up laying on top of something soft, fuzzy, and kinda warm. Turns out I landed on Princess Luna here, which as it turns out, is very illegal. I don’t know how I ended up on top of her, but I managed to!” I bowed to Princess Luna. “I didn’t mean to land on you, attempt to kill you, or anything like that. I know your first impressions of me have taken a… fall.” Princess Celestia snickered and Princess Luna actually grinned! That’s a good sign, right? Wait no, that was an irritated eye twitch.
Thank god for body language class. I can tell how much a horse wants to kill me.
“So I give up. Chuck me in a jail cell, kick my head off, whatever the heck the punishment for attempted asassination is. In my home country, I’d probably be locked up for a long time. It’s not like I can defend myself from this, right? I’ve got no lawyer, I’m kinda useless at arguing, so I might as well be ‘court’ful and give up.” Princess Luna took a seat beside her sister again, and the two began to discuss things. Oi, what the fuck? There’s a jury and these two get to decide my fate-
Wait, this is a monarchy, I’m assuming since there’s princesses, there’s got to be a king somewhere. I took my seat and buried my head in my forelegs. I’m so done with today, I was looking forward to improv practice! Well, if I’m gonna die, then there’s really not much I can do to save this case. My case drowned and I don’t know how to perform CPR on it. I’m a shitty comedian, not a doctor… dammit, my parents really were right, eh?
One of the Princesses(I couldn’t tell who)cleared their throat and I raised my head. “Young…” oh right, never gave my name. Would it be wise to give my actual name to horses? Well, I can come up with something stupid now, and if it bites me in the ass, then that’ll be fun.
“Fruit Punch is my name, Princess.”
“You have been writing in that journal the entire time, may I ask what could you have been writing that is more important than your own trial?”
“Well, this journal… is where I store jokes I think of, and sometimes I write jokes while I’m stressed out. I was writing a joke about how my Mom knew best, and I should’ve become a heart surgeon instead of a shitty comedian.” Before I could protest, the journal was taken by Celestia’s… magickinesis? And the princess opened and began to skim it, Luna peeked over her sister’s shoulder to read along, and I coulda sworn I saw the two of them chuckle and giggle at a few of the jokes in there!
Oh, they must’ve reached my most recent entry, where I was mostly just trying to ease some stress. I don’t even know if what I wrote was eligible. “Forgive me for my terrible… hoofwriting. I’m used to having fingers to write with, and I can’t write like I used to.” Princess Celestia whispered something to one of the guards, and then said guards began to bring everybody in the jury out of the courtroom, which was really just the throne room. “Uh… did I write something offensive in there? I knew that joke about Jewish people being on edge was a bit tasteless but-“ my mouth was clamped shut by a blue aura. Once everyone left, my muzzle was released.
“So you were once human?” Princess Luna asked.
“Yeah.”
“But he didn’t come through the Crystal Mirror…” she almost whispered.
“Fruit Punch isn’t your name, is it?” Princess Celestia seemed way too calm about all of this.
“Nah, name’s actually Mob. I’m assuming I can’t go by that name, can I?”
“Well, you could, but you’ve already declared yourself as ‘Fruit Punch’. Plus that name fits in more with ponies.”
“So am I still going to jail for assassination?” I asked.
“That would imply that a mere stallion landing on my back would kill me.” Princess Luna wasn’t… what?
“Wait, what happened to that ‘ye olden’ talk you were doing?”
“My sister thinks it’s more intimidating,” Princess Celestia smirked at her sister. “I told you it’s more jarring than anything,” she told her sister. She cleared her throat before getting back to business. “No, you will not be imprisoned or executed. Your appearance here in Equestria,” oh cool, the name of a country. “Is rather sudden and bizzare, but all I ask is that you remain silent about your origins. Humans are something of mythology amongst my little ponies, and I would like to keep it that way.”
“Fair.” I tilted my head. “The heck am I gonna do if I’m stuck here? I need food and a place to stay. Don’t think I can land a job, now that your ponies think I just assaulted your sister.” I nervously rubbed the back of my head with a hoof. “Sorry about that by the way. It was… a special night and I kinda ruined it. Is there any way that I can do to make up for it? I can’t make money to pay you back or buy you something, but I think I can find something.”
“Think nothing of it, it was a bit surprising, but there is a reason I do not partake in the Great Galloping Gala,” Luna and Celestia shared a glance. “It would’ve been quite the boring night had you not fallen out of the sky on me. It did make my heart pump a tiny bit, and that’s good. Plus your jokes, as cheap as they are, was a nice change to the usual ‘I didn’t to it’ spill I usually hear during every trial.”
“Seriously? I assault one of you and I don’t even get slapped on the wri-“ I was caught off as I got slapped in the face by my journal. “Hey! What the heck?”
“What? We weren’t going to leave you completely unpunished,” Luna said with a smirk, before she somehow ended up beside me, and planted(what I think was a kiss at least) a kiss on the cheek. “And that is for calling me soft and fluffy. That is the nicest thing a stallion could say about a mare’s coat, you know…” I gulped. “Worry not, it’s not flirtatious to say that about a mare’s coat, but we mares do appreciate the compliment. As for your current living situation, we ask that you remain here in Canterlot.” Luna paused to let her sister take over.
“I know of a small house you can live in. Food and rent will be paid for at expense to the Crown. You will also be paid a small amount so that you may spend it on any pleasantries you may wish to have. By the way, do not take this as an opportunity to close yourself in and be lazy. I do expect you to take this time to adjust to your new body and potentially develop skills for a job… I would like to ask, since you seem way too calm about this, how are you not panicking over being suddenly trapped in a strange world?” Princess Celestia asked.
“No more student debt. You’ve got wings, so it might be possible to exchange my horn for a pair of wings later, so maybe I can fly at some point,” I tapped my horn. “Plus this thing might be useful later, so that’ll be cool.” I chuckled a bit. “But really, back at home, I’d at least be $10k in debt for comedy school. And here, I’m not in debt unless breaking one Princess’s back sets me back by the costs of the hospital bill.”
“Fortunately for you, any medical, from dental to optical, is covered by the Crown, so my sister cannot dump her hospital bill on you,” she paused. “And Luna had access to medical staff within the castle.”
Yo! No debt!
Anyhow, that all happened yesterday, and now I’m sitting in my very unfurnished room, contemplating what the hell I’m going to do with all this free time. I’m so used to being drowned in college work, that I have no idea what to do with all this free time. On one hand, I could go out and explore, but what the heck am I gonna do? I do have this book on pony body language that I can read, and it looks kinda interesting, Also a fun little thing, I have a butt tattoo. As for what it means, I have no idea, and I didn’t bother asking anybody about it, since I was sorta… just left to my own devices after I was released from court. My butt tattoo was that of a microphone in the spotlight, and it was very well done.
I need to find the tattoo artist for this shit.
But the most fun thing about this butt tattoo wasn’t the fact that I had one, but the fact that it actually doubled as a pocket. As for how this is possible, since it’s actually a part of my ass, I’m not sure, but I’m not complaining. I had a pocket knife on me for some reason, which is kinda odd since… that was left in my pocket. Well, at least I can fumble with this before getting stabbed by somebody that’s trying to rob me. That’ll be a fun party trick for if I ever get back home, a butt tattoo that doubles as a pocket! I wonder if I could shove things up my-
Moving on, I grabbed the book on pony mannerisms and read along. Apparently nuzzles were more… kid friendly versions of making out, and kissing was an actual thing. For the most part, these are done in similar situations to humans, where it’s usually with a lover, or occasionally a kisses(to or from) very close friends that happen to be girls. So that’s a fun little thing, can’t wait for… Princess Luna kissed me earlier. Now, kissing can also be used to tease ponies(or humans) or just a sign of friendship. Maybe Luna was just saying her grudge, you know the one that happened because I almost killed her, that it was over and we could be friends… maybe. I doubt a princess would wanna be friends with me, an alien.
Well, I’ll probably be seeing the Crown a lot, since I’m a super secret, dangerous alien that wants to take over the world. That, or for tea time, since coffee doesn’t seem to exist. Pegasi, or the winged fuckers(lucky sons of a bitch), tend to use their wings as secondary arms, and a more intimate hug. Oh, and hugging also exists, but wing hugs are the most most special for you see… I have no idea. I’m not a pony with wings, so I can’t tell you a single thing as to what the heck is going on with that. Oh and alicorns use wings for hugs, which sounds adorable given that the only two that I have seen are thrice my height. Well time for math, if see horse with wings and they hug with legs, they no want fuck. If they do, then they want fuck. Good to know, I came up with a simple equation to keep in mind:
If you know pony wants fuck, either from verbal or physical cues, run in the opposite direction, and don’t speak to that pony again.
Oh, Unicorns tend to use the tips of their horns to display many things, from weird horn kisses, to sharing memories(for advanced wizardly bullshit), to using them as knives to stab each other with. Okay, if a pony touches tips with my horn, run away, and vanish from existence. Also horns are incredibly sensitive around the base for some reason Oh sick! I can teleport if I learn how to use magic. Seriously though, I don’t want to get in bed with a pony, that wouldn’t sound like a very stable relationship… I need to stop with these terrible puns, these ponies don’t even use stables!
A knock on the door drew my attention away from my book, so I logically tossed it halfway across the room, and got up to open the door. On the other side was Celestia flanked by a couple guards. “Yo,” I waved. “Are you finally here to kick me in the teeth?” I asked.
“No, I am simply here to have tea and chat with you,” Celestia said. I stepped aside to let her in, and she ducked since the door frame was still too short for the princess’s horn. “You two may remain outside, there is nothing that our friend Fruit Punch could do to me, even if he was willing to try something.” Okay cool, very well hidden threat m’lady. The guards did as asked and remained posted at my front door. “So, why do you assume I would kick you in the teeth?” the Sun Princess asked.
“Well, I was looking up at a moon last night, and I think your sister owns that. I figured that it would be impolite to stare at it.” My head sounded like an empty coconut when I got slapped in the head with my own hoof. It was glowing yellow.
Fuck You, Sir Issac Newton
So, one joke about staring at a princess’s younger sister’s ass done. Good job, Mob, you are truly a comedic genius. That joke took me a whole hour to come up with, since Luna’s known as ‘Princess of the Night’ so I figured she owns the moon. I dunno if that’s actually true, but it seems like it’s true. Maybe it’s not, Celestia is called the Princess of the Day, yet she doesn’t raise the sun, or own it. There’s no way you can own a Celestial body, right?
I hope you like shitty puns, journal, I’m here all week.
Speaking of Celestia, she was sitting in front of me on the floor, since I had no furniture besides a bed, sipping on some tea. Whatever the heck it was, I didn’t know, since I didn’t drink any. I’ll just assume it’s green tea, when in doubt, assume it’s green tea. If it’s some fancy shit, then you pretend like you know what it is, and if that doesn’t work then double down. Anyways, I had a cup of air in front of me, since I knew I wouldn’t like the tea.
“So, are you going to pour yourself a cup of tea? Surely you’ll need something to drink during our chat.”
“Nah, I don’t like leaf soup.”
“What?” Celestia’s eye twitched at that.
“You heard me, tea is just leaf soup. If it’s green, pine needle, or even just grass tea, it’s just leaf flavored soup broth. The only thing it’s missing is a packet of noodles for it to soak in… well, it does have a good amount of caffeine in it, but that’s what coffee with a fuck ton of sugar is for. Black coffee tastes like dirt, and leaf soup tastes like sadness.” Another eye twitch from Celestia.
“You know, if I knew you humans had such a terrible take on tea, then I would’ve thrown you in the dungeons by now. You’ve just offended myself and everypony under my rule, and then spat in my tea,” Celestia ruffled her feathers. “And as for coffee, black is the only way for coffee to be enjoyed. Sugar and sweeteners are for the weak, young stallion.” Celestia then promptly sipped on her tea.
Damn, this horse was good at dry sarcasm.
“You’d be surprised at how many people would kick my head off for saying that.” That got the princess to raise an eyebrow. “Like some people take things way too seriously, like which pizza joint is the best, tea vs. coffee, and how one should drink their coffee,” I chuckled. “It’s like people just don’t know when to shut the fuck up about every little detail… actually, I kinda prefer when people yell. Some guy disagreed with a poor fast food employee about how much ketchup should go on a burger.”
“How did the disagreement go?”
“One of them, the employee, ended up not being alive by the end of the interaction.”
“You… humans are quite violent.”
“Some are, some aren’t. I’m sure your horses are the same, some are probably a bit more… reactive than others.”
“You are correct, but nopony has murdered somebody over a couple extra drops of ketchup before.”
“Man, we humans gotta ketchup with you ponies in terms of world peace.” My stomach rumbled a bit and I chuckled. Maybe I shoulda ate food instead of writing in my stupid journal. “You know, me bringing up pizza makes me want to go to grab some. Do you ponies know that is?” I realized how rude that sounded. “Well, if it exists is what I mean. I don’t think it’s wise to piss a pony who has a horn that’s the length of my foreleg. I kinda like not being impaled in the heart for being too rude.”
“Worry not, I get what you were trying to say. I believe there is a pizza shop not too far from here. We can go there if you would like.”
“Whoa Princess, asking me out? That’s a little too soon, don’tcha think?”
“Maybe, but it is safe to assume that we cannot date.” I raised an eyebrow. “You do wish to sleep with my sister, after all, Fruit. You seem to like staring at her rear end after all.” I laughed at that. “Unless you would like to start a harem, I will admit…” Celestia gave a sly look as her eyes moved across my body. “The universe seemed to give you a rather… pleasant stallion body. Very pleasing on the eyes.”
“Oi, quit staring at me, I’m naked!” Celestia snorted as we walked to the door. “Wait, your guards know about the… monkey thing, right?”
“No they do not. They stuck earplugs into their ears when they went to stand post at your door. They know not to listen into my private conversations even if it’s allowed. It’s more of a courtesy thing to not eavesdrop on your princess.” Guess that made sense.
The two of us walked down the street, well, Celestia walked, I had to trot to keep up with her, and so did her guards. Man, I hate tall people. They have an unfair advantage of being able to walk faster by just having long legs. And this fucking horse has that and then some. Like in terms of height, I came up to her shoulder, which would be impressive if we weren’t quadrupeds. I was still pretty short by pony standards, even the guards were taller than me.
Oh and everypony stared at us while whispering to each other.
“Don’t mind my ponies, they tend to spread gossip quite a bit. Chances are, they believe that I have found a date, and are wondering who you are.” Princess Celestia was now wearing a faux, unaware smile that she probably practiced a lot. “Ponies see me as perfect, so if you are in my vicinity too much, ponies will whisper, and assume you are the definition of perfect as well.”
Well, if they want gossip, I might as well help with that. “Yo!” Everybody stopped whispering to each other, and Celestia stopped in her tracks as she noticed I was several paces(in her leg length) behind her. “Yes, I am walking with Princess Celestia. For all you know, I could be her cousin, I could be her date, but I will tell you something really cool about Princess Celestia from the short time I’ve been dating her.” I smirked as I began to bullshit something that sounded interesting.
“She’s actually really short. Under that fur is a pair of stilts.” I then adopted a very serious look. “She’s actually four ponies put together, each working a leg, and then there’s a fifth one stuck in her neck somewhere, making sure it all works properl-“ I was snatched up in a yellow hue. “Oh shoot. Welp, I gave confidential information and breached my contract with Celestia. Now my free trial of life is canceled.”
We rounded a corner into an alleyway, and Celestia leered at me. “What was that?”
“Well, I was originally gonna say that we were dating, but then I started running on autopilot.” I jabbed her with a leg. “C’mon, I know you can lighten up more than that, Sunny.”
Celestia grinned. “I will admit, me being a machine with five different ponies operating it wasn’t too terrible of an idea. But please refrain from doing that in public too often, I do have to uphold an image. Well, actually it would be nice if you did that more often, it’ll anger the nobles if they think I’m dating a clown, so please do that every once in a while.”
“Good thing comedians are the biggest clowns on Earth. We have improv practice, that’s all you need to know about us-“ Suddenly we were in a void and in a flash, we were in… a restaurant of some sort. Celestia didn’t seem to notice my daze, and had gone to order whatever the fuck while I was trying to fgure out what the fuck just happened to me. The guards made an effort to see if I was okay, but I slurred something about how I wasn’t drunk, and that I was just sleepy.
“Hello? Equus to Fruit?” A hoof waved in my face and I blinked a couple times. “I didn't know teleporting would daze you so much, Fruit Punch, so next time I will warn you. Come, I have our food,” Princess Celestia said. I nodded, feeling like I was slightly hungover, and stumbled after the Princess. Maybe I should buy beer. The solution to a hangover is more poisoned grape juice.
Oh right, pizza… What the heck was this? It’s just a cut up pile of uncooked dough, with cheese and other toppings spread over it… this isn’t pizza, this is an abomination. Where’s the sauce? The pepperoni- wait, Papa Johns uses horse meat in their pepperoni. So it’s safe to assume that horses didn’t want to eat each other just for a bit of extra flavor on a cheesy, deep dish pizza.
Celestia took a rather unroyal bite out of her pizza, before wiping at the corners of her mouth with a napkin. “Well, are you going to have a bite? You said that you liked pizza, correct?” Well, I don’t wanna seem rude, Celestia did just spend… however much on this pizza, so I might as well give it a shot. I grabbed a slice with my hoof after wiping it off with a napkin, and Celestia giggled.
“You don’t need to wipe your hooves before eating.”
“Wat?”
“You heard me. Your hooves don’t need wiping unless they are actually covered in dirt or mud. A pony’s stomach can handle quite a bit.”
“Where I’m from, even the slightest germ can get you sick, and maybe even kill you. So don’t mind me.” I took a bite of the ‘pizza’ and chewed it down. Surprisingly, I could still chew like a human, and not fling food every which way, since I don’t think I have complete cheeks. I think I’ve had a mouthful of questions about how different ‘ponies’ are from ‘horses’ since… pony limbs seemed incrediblly flexible given their build.
“Well? How is it?” Celestia asked.
“I’m gonna have to make my dad’s old recipe for pizza… this isn’t pizza. It’s good, really, it is.” That wasn’t a lie, I did like it. “But this isn’t pizza. It’s just a sandwich without the second slice of bread.” To emphasize my point of enjoying it, I wolfed down a couple more slices and sighed. “Well, that’s gonna be my first order of business. I’m gonna sell actual pizza to your ponies, start a monopoly and buy your throne.”
“No you won’t.”
“Yes I will.”
“Not if I tax you first.”
“Fuck, you’re right. Damn you politicians.”
“For that, I’ll tax you at five percent higher than the usual taxes.”
“Well… hey, that pony over there’s staring at your ass.” Celestia’s eyes slowly started to follow my hoof and she tilted her head. “I suppose having the sun on your butt makes people wanna stare at it more. It’s like moths to a flame… wait, do ponies go blind if they stare at your butt for too long? Since your butt’s supposed to represent the sun, or whatever?”
“Well, that would imply my royal behind is so hideous that it could kill a pony.”
We continued to chat about basically nothing, and this horse never ceases to surprise me. I could barely stomach three slices of… this pizza. Meanwhile, Celestia ordered a second pizza after eating the remaining eight slices, ate the whole second pizza, and then ordered three more. The damn sun princess then said she was still feeling peckish and wanted to have the other two for later. Like what the actual hell? This lady’s got the stomach the size of the fucking sun… I think I saw a couple rich people gagging as they watched through a window as all this unfolded.
How the heck is this horse not fat? Well, she probably didn’t just sit on her ass and eat cake all day. That would inquire that she didn’t do anything to run her country, since apparently the woman’s a couple millennium older than the fucking calender system, and she hasn’t even brought her parents up. Mayhaps there is a solid chance that Celestia doesn’t actually exist, and that I’m high off my ass- nope, I’m sober. If I were high, I would probably have woken up this morning inside of a Taco Bell.
Anyway, after a silent walk back home, I opened the door to see a now kinda furnished home? It was still only a single room, but I wasn’t complaining; it was better than my apartment in New York. There was now a basic table with cushions instead of chairs, and another bookshelf lined with books that had textbooks on ‘magic’ and various other things that look like they’ve been picked out to help me learn about Equestria.
Oh that’s a cool piece of furniture on the table… wait, why the fuck is Princess Luna here? She wasn’t sitting on either of the cushions(which were huge), no, she was laying on top of the table, propping her head up with a hoof, facing the doors. “Mr. Fruit, I have been expecting you…” Luna rolled off the table and smoothly landed on the cushion after nearly falling off of it. “So, do you like what we have done to your house?”
“Well, it’s kinda neat… why did you guys go out of your way to make sure I’m taken care of? From housing, to making sure I can eat and stuff. Like I’m grateful, but don’t you guys have a country to run?” I asked. Seriously, what the actual hell? These guys are nicer than Canadians.
“Well, it would be wrong to not make sure you are taken care of. On top of that, this does help you fit in. You’re a unicorn in Canterlot, a city that’s heavily populated by unicorns. So one more showing up and randomly moving in wouldn’t be too out of place. I’m assuming that you don’t wish to reveal your origins, because you are legally obligated not to, and that you’d seem like a maniac if you did.”
Well, at least Luna was blunt.
“On top of that, you, on top of what the Elements of Harmony were doing at the Gala, made it one of the best in recent history,” Luna said.
“But that was the only Gala you’ve come to in recent history. You’ve been on the moon for a millennium, Luna.” Wat. How the fuck was… ponies don’t have rocket ships do they? I’ve yet to even see a television or anything beyond basic electrical lights. Seriously, if Luna was somehow on the moon without any means to get to the moon, then I have to be on some sort of drug.
“Hey, even you said it was pretty entertaining, and you’ve been putting up with that terrible celebration for that millennium.,” Luna paused for a second. “Albeit, you did also admit that seeing a stallion fall from the roof and crushing me wasn’t as entertaining. You were hoping that you were the one he landed on,” she said. Maybe I should walk out, this seems like a sister on sister moment.
“Only because my legs are not made of glass, Luna. If Fruit here had landed on me, his landing wouldn’t have been so rough.” Luna scoffed and the two started having a minor shouting contest about their physical health while I just sat there with a small smile on my face. God why, what the fuck did I do to you to put me in magical pony land? Is it because I made a joke about religion? Maybe it was Satan, that guy seemed like an asshole.
Oh hey, Luna and Celestia just raised the moon and lowered the sun while poking their heads out of one of my windows. Like one moment, the sun was at an apex, it glowed even more yellow, and then a moon shining with dark blue took its place. Wait a fucking moment, what? Luna and Celestia promptly turned back to me. “Welp. Sir Issac Newton can go fuck himself, physics don’t exist. It’s all magic, just pure, magical, pony magic,” I… this isn’t a dream. I felt my nose hurt when I slammed my face into the table, so that’s epic.
“I assume that in your world, you don’t have alicorns raising the sun and moon,” Celestia said.
“No shit, sherlock. I think I’m gonna go lie down.” Both princesses nodded and headed out of my place. Thankfully neither of them particularly noticed how I started to scream into my pillow when I laid down.
I’m going to go insane.
(Luna’s POV)
After my sister and I had left Fruit’s home, I swear I could hear the muffled screaming of Fruit. Something about how science is dead, and how somepony named Albert Einstein is an idiot. Me and my sister shared a glance as we walked away, While our guards had no clue as to what was going on. As they should, being able to witness myself or Celestia raise the sun or moon is an honor to our fellow ponies… well, a thousand years ago it was. And then there was Fruit Punch, going mentally insane over… this.
I’m going to visit Fruit in his dreams tonight.
Author's Note
So I think I wanna have this set shortly after the first season finale, and slowly drag our friend, Fruit Punch, through the dirt as he grows more and more insane at all the whacky shit that Equestria has to offer.
How I Slammed my Ass into a Horse’s Face
I took a seat on a stool as I slowly turned pages, waiting for the curtains to pull up. I was finally going to have the first show of my tour! “This is Mob Mumfler,” a robotic, prerecorded voice began to speak while I continued to read the book. “He's twenty years old, and is male.” I flipped a page. “And he looks like the genetic byproduct of a chihuahua and a sunflower. He’s got a big head and a small-“ the voice cut itself off before it could say that last bit. I pretended like I could hear what was said, and looked up from my book.
“Rude.”
“Over the last two years, he isolated himself in the pursuit of comedy, and in doing so, had lost touch with reality. You’re a sack of shit, Mob, you think you know better than everybody in this room, than your parents. You will die in a gas station fire while trying to buy hotdogs out of a 7 Eleven at 4:00AM, and you will deserve it.” Oddly specific way of dying, but okay… why is the entire crowd made of fish? Well, it’s a good audience, they were laughing at the voice I recorded. “Before then, try to tell those stupid jokes of yours, before your time is up.”
“Quite the dream you are having, Fruit Punch, or should I say… Mob,” I blinked a couple times and… now I’m a horse. What? Why did that sound like Princess Luna? “I will admit, your dream is weirder than most, but fairly telling of your desires, Fruit. You just wish to entertain the masses, do you not?” Luna then floated down with an ethereal light, making her look like a god.
“Wait a minute, are you a real Luna, or am I actually having fantasies over a horse?” I thought about it for a second and shrugged. Maybe I’m mentally insane and this dream is a result of that.
“I am the real Luna, if you would like, I can send you a message in the morning, and prove that I am real.”
“Alright, send me a letter in the morning, the secret word is ‘Chicken Nugget,” I said.
“Will do, but for now, let us converse. I heard you scream something about the laws of physics after my sister and I had departed from your home. Are you doing well mentally? Is being stuck in Equestria hurting you a lot more than you’re actually telling us? Because while I cannot guarantee that we can send you home, I will do everything within my power to make you more comfortable with being here. It is the least Tia and I can do for you, since you’re a citizen of Equestria now. And I do owe you for trying to throw you in the dungeons without a fair and just trial.”
“But you were one of the judges,” I pointed out. “And your own lawyer,” I added. “And you were suing me!”
“Well, I wasn’t actually one of the judges. If Celestia is suing somepony, then I take place as her judge. If I am suing, Celestia takes place. It was also during the day, when my sister takes rule over the kingdom, while I rule over the kingdom at night,” Luna explained. Well, that seems a bit more fair now. “But that is besides the point, can I get you a therapist at some point?” Luna asked. She tilted her head, and god dammit, if she weren’t capable of breaking my neck in a heartbeat, then I’d boop that nose of hers. Why fuck were head tilts from a pony adorable?
“So, why this dream?” Princess Luna asked me.
“Oh, y’know, there’s this one comedian that I look up to a lot. This is one of his comedy specials he recorded when he went on tour across the United States. It’s one of my favorite little pieces of comedy that just sticks…” suddenly me and Luna were in the audience. Bo was sitting on stage as the very voice from my dream started to narrate for Bo, and Intro was starting. “Good thing I watched this special a few hundred times,” I chuckled.
“I can tell. This show is still quite vivid in your subconsciousness. It is genuinely like you know this ‘show’ like the tip of your nose.” Anyway, my brain began to show off ‘What’ for Princess Luna, and the Lunar Princess somehow got most of the jokes and even laughed at a couple of them. There were a couple of jokes here and there when I had to explain them to her, such as autotune, the joke about video editors, and a few jokes involving religion such as the ‘From God’s Perspective’ song that happened halfway through the show. After What had finished playing, Luna reclined back in the seat and stretched.
“Well, I will admit, that was something. The letter with the secret word should be at your door now, Fruit.” Wa-
I sat up in my bed and hopped out of my bed, without really thinking, I went through my morning routine, struggled to use a toothbrush, and quickly made breakfast. Well, I tried to, but I ended up eating an apple and a couple slices of bread. It turns out that there was no such thing as a toaster, or a microwave, but there was a stove and oven. Good, I can still make an actual pizza for Celestia, and get Equestria’s take on pizza shoved into the dark ages. Seriously, that shit was good, but it shouldn’t be called pizza.
A knock at my door drew me from my moment of tiredness, sitting at the dinner table while contemplating the meaning of life, and made me remember that I do, in fact, exist. So I I quickly go to open the door, a cross eyed pony was standing at it with a cheery smile that I simply couldn’t ignore(it was fucking adorable!), and was promptly given a letter. The pony waved her goodbye and flew off… after flying into a street lamp and falling flat on her stomach. If it weren’t for the fact that these ponies are hyper intelligent and y’know, people, I woulda kept that pony as a pet. It felt kinda wrong to not bonk a horse on the nose when it’s derping all over the place.
Anyway, the letter was from the crown, or more specifically Princess Luna. I struggled with the envelope for a moment and then a brilliant idea came to mind. You see, I have my pocket knife on me, but I also had a knife built into my skull; my horn! Using the equivalent of what could be described as a head penis, I stabbed the envelope and cut it open. I then pulled a piece of paper out with my mouth and spat it out. “Bleh! Tastes like paper!” I could feel my brain shrink two more sizes down, which was impressive since it was already atom sized, as I read what was on the piece of paper.
In a nice, bright blue crayon were the words ‘Chicken Nugget’ in another sentence about asking what those were.
So that’s cool. The solar system runs off of two ponies, both of which are immortal, both of which rule a kingdom that sees them as gods, and one of them can pop up in your dreams. My eye twitched a couple times after this all ran through my head a couple of times. Seriously, what sort of weird, physics defying, logic defying world have I ended up in? Well, on the bright side, I can now sit in a corner and cry, now that I had a house to do so in. Man, this sounds like a cool idea for a fun book. I proceeded to fill my sink(somehow this place has plumbing) and stick my head in it.
I then proceeded to scream several obscenities before taking my head out of the sink. One calming later, and a slap in the face from a book, and then I studied Pony Psychology until the afternoon. That was one way to ignore the fact that I’m going mentally insane, focus on studying, and hopefully find something interesting. Well, hopefully I can start working on jokes specifically for ponies, and even get some money off of comedy shows. It turned out that ponies had a somewhat similar sense of humor to most people, which was helpful. Stuff like toilet humor, gross out humor(when done right), and many other types of humor worked on ponies.
Even dark humor worked a good amount in small doses. It turned out that ponies had much more sensitive stomachs than people, which made some sense. These were herbivores that lived a mostly peaceful life. Aside from maybe a couple recent incidents, and probably wouldn’t be too into a joke about mass genocide. Meanwhile, humans being the disgusting, vile, and horrible beings that we are, are used to such horrible references. While some jokes were tasteless, humans are usually more accepting of dark humor, and even then, that was a smaller group of people.
By the end of it, I had a couple of jokes written down, such as referencing Celestia’s height, jokes about rich people, and various other jokes. I had a joke poem written out about being the poor, unfortunate bastard that married Celestia because they accidentally booped noses. Here’s a fun joke that I think ponies would like. “So once I was dreaming about dating Princess Luna. turns out, it was actually Luna, and now I’m wearing a collar. Send help.” Well, that just reminded me that Luna can dream hop… god dammit. I started writing jokes to hopefully ignore this, and I just go full circle right into this shit!
I threw my notebook across the room and decided to just go on a walk. I went and grabbed a satchel that goes around my neck and stuck a few bits(gold coins lent from the crown. No loans, just a stipend).
So it turns out, when you are able to walk around Canterlot, the capital of Equestria without a literal goddess next to you, it’s actually quite peaceful. I mean, yeah, everybody who looked like a rich person gave me the stink eye, but besides that, it’s really peaceful. Though a few ponies pointed at me and whispered, probably because they saw me with Princess Celestia yesterday. Maybe it was because I was apparently attractive? I couldn’t tell if Celestia was pulling my leg or not, but if she wasn’t, then apparently I’m ‘pleasant’ in the eyes of a mare. Well, if they start showing signs of interest in me(such as giving me their full attention with their ears and eyes even if I’m not even talking to them. If they do it while talking to them, then they’re just being polite. In other words, full attention from a pony that you don’t know, then they’re checking you out).
“Get back here!” I paused for a second, did I accidentally do something illegal? Is breathing too close to a rich pony a crime now? Probably, I don’t live in Equestria. Oh hey, a couple of guards are chasing somebody that looks a lot like a mugger. Look, you can even see how the butt tattoo has a knife and a gold coin on it! And.. They are running right towards me. On one hand, I can go ahead and trip the mugger, or I can go grab the ingredients for my dad’s pizza to start my business- I fell on my shoulder(on purpose of course), and spun. I felt one of my hindlegs hit something hard and I quickly sat up to hold my now bruised shoulder. Ow, ow, owl. Okay, shoulders are very sensitive. Maybe pony physiology would help me out here, since that would keep me from hurting myself like an idiot.
Oh… I think I kicked a pony by accident, since lying on the floor, with a twitchy leg, laid the guy that looks like a mugger. Well then, that might be another lawsuit on my hands… Cool, I’m just speedrunning the highest amount of lawsuits I can get in a week. It hasn’t even been two days? Two? And I’ve already given two ponies a reason to want to press charges. Luckily, Luna was more understanding once she realized that I didn’t voluntarily try to kill her, the universe did… Considering that pony was stuck on the moon for a millennium, then that must suck. You come home after a thousand years, begin to enjoy life after adapting to modern life down to the language, and then almost get killed by some dumbfuck comedian that can only tell shitty puns.
“And we thought we wouldn’t ever catch you, Money Snatcher,” one of the guards said. Jesus christ, how much did this guy’s parents hate him? You literally can’t be anything else with a name like that! “Thank you for stopping him…”
“Fruit Punch.”
“Mr. Fruit. You see, this bugger’s been running around and causing a ruckus for all of canterlot, stealing bits, wares, food, anything he can get his hooves on. He’s a sneaky bastard too, so thank you for knocking him out with that spin kicking thing. Nice moves by the way…” The guard put on a small, friendly smile for a moment before adopting a more serious expression. “Unfortunately, since you helped my partner, Sharpened Spear, and myself with catching him, we are gonna have to bring you to the castle for questioning with my superior officer. It’s more of a legal thing. This is also to give you the bounty we had on this guy here,” the Guard jabbed a hoof on the unconscious body of Money Snatcher.
“Wat?”
Maybe having a royal guard that could barely catch a mugger isn’t a good idea. That makes it sound like an invasion on her Majesty’s Canterlot would be extremely easy. In fact, if that does happen, then I’m gonna belly laugh and then run and hide in a corner somewhere. I barely even knew how to work my new body, and I don’t know how to use the magic I apparently have, so that’s cool. This is a long, convoluted way of saying if an invasion were to happen in this instance, then I am going to get my ass killed by some sort of vampire-esk race.
Anyhow, now I’m standing outside of an office for the royal guard(teleportation is cool like that), and I was eventually called in.
Sitting at the desk before me, like an angry looking teacher, was a white unicorn that could probably put me in a body bag without looking(can’t say I’ll get killed can I? Ignore the last couple paragraphs, reader. That’s right, I see you). He was pretty fucking bulky, had a blue mane with a… I think there was a magenta streak going through it. I couldn’t see his tail, but it was safe to assume that genetics still existed(yeah right, fuck you, Darwin), and that a tail would be the same color as a horse’s mane. Unless it was all dyed, then I dunno what to say at that point.
Should I be saluting this guy? Probably, I don’t want to risk getting my head kicked off my shoulders and sent across a soccer field like it was nothing. “Leave us,” the pony at the desk said. As soon as the guards obliged with their officer, the unicorn lowered his hoof while still maintaining the serious expression on his face. “So, you’re the pony who caught Money Snatcher?” Jesus, was that guy seriously so bad, that he was brought up to an officer of the Royal Guard? Like bro, what the hell?
“Yep, you got me, Fruit Punch is the name. So, why am I here?”
“Well, I would like to see how you'd fare in a sparring match against one of my trained guards. Since you knocked out a criminal, one that had eluded my guard for almost a year, without asking. If you ask me, I’d say you’re good guard material, so, how about it? I find another unicorn for you to have a sparring match, and let you go at it? From there, you can decide if you want to join the guard or not.” What kind of stupid offer is that? The logic used makes no fucking sense…I’ll get my ass handed to me by somebody who was actually born as a horse? Sounds like something stupid I shouldn’t agree to.
“Yeah, why not. I was just gonna sit on my ass all day, so I might as well.” Mouth, vocal chords, I want you evicted from my body this instant. I coulda just said ‘no’, I could’ve gone back to that one room apartment and keep studying pony psychology to begin writing a comedy show… with my single semester’s worth of comedy classes, I could maybe make something really funny. Hopefully. Actually, I won, because this can be a funny story to tell on stage, and it would be true!
“Why the fuck am I doing this?” I whispered to myself as I stepped into the training grounds, which happened to be underground, which is pretty cool. The walls and ceiling had some crystals? Diamonds? Whatever the fuck it was, embedded into them, and that, combined with the lanterns, made it look really pretty. It was almost like staring up at the night sky in a field. I could go stargazing later, then I can not sleep, and then not get mind fucked by an alicorn!
I was bound up in a leather armor that I couldn’t tie to my body(I need to know how to use magic to do that), so it kinda just hung onto my body, and it was only after I stepped onto the field that I was told that I was wearing it wrong. You damn ponies have the audacity to tell me it’s easy to tie this shit to my back? I don’t have fingers, and my head penis is fucking useless, thank you. My arms, despite their flexibility, are fucking useless. You tell me this is easy? Well you can sit on your high horse and say it’s easy, you equine, assoholic bunch of dickheads.
My opponent, a yellow unicorn with a blue mane, was also bound up in armor… oh! So that’s how you’re supposed to wear armor? Man, I had the leather plate on my back, but it was supposed to go on your chest… okay, maybe I’m an idiot, but how else was I gonna get this shit stuck on my body? I’m not nimble with a pair of hooves. Oh well, in his magic, which was orange, he was holding a wooden sword. You know what? I think I want to get stabbed by that thing…
“Begin!” Wait a second, I wasn’t-
I ducked when a magical beam fired my head, and it narrowly avoided taking my head off. Another came and staggered to the left and barely avoided it. A couple guards, who looked like captains, whispered to the big boss, who I was told was named Shining Armor, as I staggered and dodged another. You know, I’m glad that I had gym class back in highschool, since that meant dodge ball, and this was just as fun,I’m not gonna lie. I easily dodged another bolt, but staggered again. It was moving like a bullet… how the fuck did I see it?
Also thanks for trying to kill me, asshat.
I really wasn’t as graceful as I was when I had the body of a hairless monkey, but I was still able to stay on my hooves, and be kinda nimble. Not really, I was barely staying on my feet, and I wasn’t sure if I should rush or not… oh, the yellow guy was running at me, and was about to swing that sword of his, with his magic. Wait, I could use the Force, Star Wars style, and hold a sword with my magic? Man, that would be awesome if I were able to do anything with my horn.
Anyway, I ducked under the sword, stumbled, and accidentally slammed my back into his throat… and knocked him the fuck out. Damn, two for two. First a robber and then a god damn, trained Royal Guard… Why couldn’t I have won the lottery with this kinda luck? I wouldn’t be in debt to New York City University! Now I kinda feel bad for accidentally body slamming this pony’s neck, but he did try to hit me with a wooden sword. I chuckled and my armor fell off my back.
“You know, when I saw you stagger while dodging, I thought that you were rather new to fighting other magic wielding ponies. But… I think you might have been trying to make yourself weak! You dodged so poorly that you made your opponent think he could get an easy experience against you in a close quarters competition…”
He literally ran at me while holding a sword in his magic, which he could use at any distance. What the fuck are you on about, Captain?
“And then you knocked him out in one fell swoop! You’re in the guard!”
“Wait, don’t I get a say in whether I want to or not? Wasn’t that…”
“Not negotiable after you so easily beat one of my guards… I wanna see those moves of yours again.”
I proceeded to accidentally knock out six guards. Two unicorns, two earth ponies, and a couple pegasi… what the actual fuck is wrong with Equestria’s military? Oh, one of those guards was a fucking captain apparent- okay, I think I need some aspirin. This shit hurts my brain. I actually slammed my head into the ground, when I body checked another earth pony after I tripped over my own left front leg with my right back leg, and hit him in the head with my ass.
That is not a sentence I expected to say.
Author's Note
I just really loved the idea of making every captain, solider, guard member of the Royal Guard entirely incompetent. And then I laughed my ass off when this slowly worked its way into my mind.
My Roommate is Spider Lady
I groaned as I fell flat on my face as soon as I exited the Royal Guard Training Grounds, and I wanted to die. Like seriously, I spent most of the day sparring, knocking guards out while tripping over myself, and I’m supposed to feel good? These are the same ponies that are supposed to save my dumbass whenever there’s a big, bad, dangerous bad dude, and I can knock them out? How has this country not been burnt to the ground already? Oh and to top things off, I’m now a part of the Royal Guard for some reason!
I just got fucking drafted, and it wasn’t even for my own country.
“Having fun?” I raised my head and saw Princess Celestia standing over me, completely unguarded… well, this did seem to be on castle grounds. Wait, no, still stupid. Legitimately anything can happen. Sure, Celestia was a goddess(more or less), but even then, why would you let your country’s ruler wander around without a guard or two? Like if the president of the U.S went out tomorrow without any guards, he’d be dead six or seven times over. I mean, I’d be kinda comfortable with letting a goddess go out and about alone, but once again, literally anything can happen. It’s magical pony land, there’s probably a bunch of doomsday causing things that exist for no reason.
And the whole ‘let’s let our ruler wander around unguarded bit’ sounded like somebody is going to get kidnapped soon.
“Oh yeah, I’m in your guard now, somehow. I really don’t understand why or how, but I am…” wait, this could be my way out. “I never signed up for this either, so can’t I just not be a guard? Would I be deemed as a deserter of the Crown? Because I am not going to survive a week as a guard. I’m not a fighter, I can’t strategize, and I’m an idiot. I sit down while writing jokes in hopes that I can get on stage to a crowd of adoring fans, not to get my head kicked off by a fuckin’ god, demon bug thing.”
“Well, I was just coming by to drop your uniform and certificate… I thought you had genuinely signed up.” The certificate had ‘Captain Fruit Punch’ written out on it. It turns out that I ended up beating up several captains and just… automatically ended up as one. If it weren’t for the fact that it would seem rude, I’d start getting on Celestia’s ass about how shit her military is. Like a guy who walks like a drunk man shouldn’t be able to take down several trained soldiers by accident. Seriously Sunbutt, your army sucks.
“Don’t worry, Captain Armor cannot declare you are a part of the Guard without you giving consent. I believe he just wanted to see how good of a fighter you are, and I must say, you aren’t too bad for a unicorn who doesn’t use magic.” I blinked a couple times. “Yes, I did watch. You have quite a talent for dodging.”
“Celestia, I didn’t do anything other than dodge on purpose. I fucking stumbled and threw my back into a guard’s throat. I tripped and my ass accidentally hit another guard in the face. I don’t have a talent for fighting, or anything like that. Your guards are… a bit stupid and bad at fighting.”
“Well, that is a bit rude, but I suppose it is quite hard to be good at fighting when your country has been through a millennium without war. Equestria is rarely ever at odds with another country, and Equestria is one of the strongest nations on the planet. So most nations leave us be, and we leave them alone. In turn, Equestria has no reason to have the strongest military in the world, since the world’s been mostly at peace for a very long time.”
“Tia, the U.S is considered a world superpower back at home, basically untouchable. They still train just in case something goes wrong. What can go wrong, will go wrong, so it’s better to be prepared.”
“I… suppose I should ask Shining Armor to step up the training of his guard. Since I do agree with your statement of ‘be prepared for anything’ and I should probably follow it.” Celestia handed me the uniform, but kept my certificate. “That is mostly a dress uniform for parties whenever the guard must attend, and I‘d hate to have it go to waste. So you may keep that.” And then my certificate burnt to a crisp in Celestia’s magical grasp.
I squealed, hugged the princess, and ran off while singing “Best Day Ever” from Spongebob. I was free! Free from fighting for a bunch of ponies who has their heads several feet up their asses! Wait a second… Why is it raining chocolate rain? Actually, why the fuck is the moon and sun up? You know what, I think Luna found some sugarcane and snorted it, so she must be high off her ass. Any naysayers are… oh look, a giant, headless, cooked turkey is running at me. What? Well, I would rather have some chicken, but turkey does sound good right oh fuck no.
There’s at least a hundred of those fucking things running after me!
I don’t know what the fuck is happening, I really don’t. The floor is bouncy like a weird jelly, chocolate milk is raining from the sky, and now I’m being harassed by turkeys. I just want this to… gravity just stopped existing. Thanks Newton for your fucking useless laws of physics! Why god? What did I do? Call you ugly? Piss in holy water? Fuck a donkey… actually that is something I can do without it being weird. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about that.
Maybe Celestia was pulling a prank on me for calling her guard stupid. That would make sense, she is God in this world.
Minutes, hours, weeks, months, I don’t know, passed and everything… reverted back to normal. I was sitting in a corner, curled up like a human being, and I wanted my blanket. I just want to… sit here and cry. Those turkeys slapped my butt. That wasn’t even the worst part, they called my ass fat. Second worst thing to happen to me since my Mom saying that I was a mistake on my fifth birthday.
Okay, too much info.
I crawled out from under the haydog stand I was hiding under, as did many other ponies from their hiding spots. I’m not sure as to what the fuck just happened, and I’m sure nobody here did either, but I can safely assume that somebody was drunk off their fucking mind. At least it’s… hey, why is that unicorn approaching me? “Yo, do you know what just happened?” I asked.
“N-no, but…” okay, it’s a mare. “Do you? I saw you walking out of the castle grounds, so I assumed you were a guard getting off duty. I was going to ask if you know what just happened?” Well, shit. So much for asking the locals… hold it, why did this lady fake a stutter? Stuttering after… What just happened? Whatever, it was kinda traumatizing, but for only one word? Grade A, terrible acting.
“Yeah, I’ve got no clue.”
“Well… I was hoping that I could follow you home.” Wat. “Because… I don’t feel safe alone after what just happened. You’re a guard, so you can keep me safe.” Lady, I’m not a fucking guard, I’m a stupid comedian that can barely comprehend that he’s a horse. Why the fuck do you even want to follow me home? No, you are not going to follow me into my already small home-
“Yeah, my house isn’t anything fancy.” God dammit, curse me for being sympathetic for this bitch. Anyway, we started making our way home, and remained silent for the most part. I didn’t have anything to talk about, and I’m pretty sure this lady is a creep, so I didn’t want to talk even more than usual. Also, unlike a lot of ponies, this lady wasn’t bubbly or smiling. No, it looked like she was thinking about something. Also her magic was green, so that’s cool(I watched her close my door after we stepped inside my house). Man, I should pay more attention to shit on my walks, eh? Canterlot is really pretty despite doomsday just happening.
“So, what are you planning?”
“W-what?” The pony took a second to look shocked.
Bitch, I’m a lousy comedian, I can tell when somebody is acting… I think.
“Well… I suppose I don’t need to hide my disguise, we are alone, and you’ll be hypnotized. You’ll be a lovely snack before I continue my love gathering.” And with that, the mare’s body was engulfed with green flames, and what happened made my brain kill itself again. The… the disguise I guess, peeled off and slowly revealed a black shell, long legs, and… well, now there’s a bug horse in my house. The mane was wispy, she had a long, jagged horn, and had wispy wings. Oh, and she stood to be about as tall as Celestia. I mean, this bug was kinda pretty, but I still wasn’t stoked to find out what-
A green blast of magic hit me in the dome and I cross eyed for a second. “Yo, don’t hit me with a light beam when I’m thinking!” I grumbled, “god, at least ask me out to dinner first. Trying to make sure these voices in my head know what the fuck is going on and you try to fuck my brain.”
“W-what?” The bug horse looked genuinely shocked. “T-that should’ve- how have you not fallen to my spell?” The bug lady asked. I began to scan the bug horse while she went off about how I had a weird immunity to hypnosis. She was keeping a foreleg off the ground, and looked a tiny bit roughed up. Well, she was out in the same shit I was, so that has to have done a number on her. Maybe I was lucky as hell to come out of… hell unscathed(physically. Mentally, I wanna cry in a corner).
“So, did you genuinely need a place to stay?” I asked. That shocked Bug Horse even more. I know, I’m dehumanizing a fucking horse shaped bug, sue me.
“P-what? You… I don’t have to hypnotize you?”
“Figured. You can take the bed, I’ll take the floor. What’s wrong with your leg, by the way?”
“I… I sprained it, my ankle that is, when whatever was happening out there happened. I believe Discord was set loose from his prison.” Didn’t know who Discord is, but I think I don’t want to know. He’s probably this world’s equivalent of Satan, so I’ll ignore him and live a happy life. I need some holy water for future proofing myself from him.
“Name?”
“Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings.”
“Aight cool, I don’t have to call you bug horse now.”
“What?” She shouted before her stomach emitted a growl. “Forgive me for that, it’s been awhile since I’ve eaten anything.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got something in the oven baking…” how the fuck did my house not burn down? I left a pizza in there to slowly cook while I was gone, and it’s been several. Oh, the oven has a built-in turn off system… and the pizza looked nice and fresh when I took it out. I quickly cut up the pizza and took a slice… yup, okay, this here is a piece of pizza, actual pizza. It was still kinda hot, but not to the point where it would burn your mouth after kissing you. I carried the tray over to the table, where Chrysalis was now seated, and sat down.
“What… is this?”
“Pizza. It’s pretty famous where I’m from, and this is actual pizza. None of that stupid, uncooked bread with toppings on it.” Chrysalis lifted a slice with her magic and took a small bite of it. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any pepperoni or sausage, but there were banana peppers, so that’s cool. Instead of making a banana pepper pizza, however, I went with a plain cheese for now, and now I own a jar of pickled banana peppers. “So, how’s the pizza?” I asked. Oh, half the pizza’s gone, and Chrysalis has some cheese and sauce on her cheeks.
She had another one suspended in her magic. “I did not know a pizza could taste this good! And I can feel the love that went into making it…” Chrysalis gave me a genuine look of appreciation. “Thank you, nopony would dare feed me, especially if they knew what I was. I… hate to say this, but I now owe you one.” She talked with her mouth open, so that’s cool, since none of the food she was chewing on flew out of her mouth.
She let out a-not-lady-like burp out and I blinked a couple times. This lady’s awesome!
“Meh, don’t worry about it. I hate being in debt, so I’m not gonna put you in debt because I fed and housed you for a bit. Just make sure you don’t do anything too bad, especially while out on this… love hunt, I guess.” I wasn’t even going to ask why she was hunting love, for all I knew, she was a love goddess or some shit, and needed love to continue existing. The two of us began to chat about small things, about our lives, where we came from, about how Chrysalis has two thousand children(not too big given that she is a bug), and other small things. It turns out, once you take a wolf out of its sheep disguise, it’s actually really friendly and fun to talk to. And now I’ve got a pretty cool roommate, so that’s fun.
“So you can shapeshift?” I asked.
“Yes I can. I could take on the form of anypony, any creature… inanimate objects are beyond me, since that requires more magic that I don’t have the energy for.” Chrysalis then proceeded to become a mirror image of me. “Hello, I’m Fruit Punch. So this one time I ate a nice, big, juicy hayburger with honey on it.” Chrysalis picked up her cushion with her forelegs. “And I felt like doing this, because I couldn’t control my stools!” Okay, spot on with that impression of me. Chrysalis then took on the form of a royal guard, went cross eyed, and started drooling.
“Y’know, that’s accurate. I got drafted into the guard for a couple hours and…” I chuckled. “I knocked one of them out by tripping on myself!” Chrysalis snorted. “I knocked out a fuckin captain by running at him, tripping, and did a nice front flip onto his back. Very intentional, I am a very skilled fighter, and Equestria doesn’t have a weak military at all.”
“Are they seriously that incompetent?” Chrysalis laughed. “I didn’t know Sunbutt ordered her guards to suck at fighting.”
“You know Celestia?” I asked.
“Yup, we go way back. I tried feeding my children through means of farming and she banished my Hive to what is now the Badlands. She and her sister came and destroyed the place in some sort of magical battle a thousand years ago. Since then, my Hive hasn’t been able to grow food, and rely on infiltrators to gather love, which we can also live off of. Obviously I would prefer a nice, juicy mozzarella stick, and my children would be happy with just a simple sandwich; we only need love to fuel our magic, but again, we can live off love if need be. I’m only out here because the love supply of the Hive is… quite low. And Changeling Queens can store much larger sums of love than a drone, thus why I am here.”
“Well, as long as you aren’t committing crimes, you can stay here.”
“I will not cause any trouble, and thank you for the offer. My Changelings… are a bit feared amongst ponies, and many wouldn’t dare talk to one the size of their Princess. I hold nothing personal against that, but I do wish my drones could live amongst ponies, so they can have access to food to fill their stomachs and love to fuel their magic. To see a pony like yourself accept me so easily is… a nice change of pace,” Chrysalis said. “Actually, aren’t you a guard? Shouldn’t you have stuffed me in a jail cell by now? Surely Sunbutt had told her guard about little ol’ me.”
“I’m not actually a guard, just got forced into being one for a bit, and this is the first time I’ve even heard of you. Does Celly have some vendetta against you?”
“No, and I have no issues with her. As it turned out, her sister fell… to the dark side.” Nice. “And that was the cause for the magical bout that tore apart the badlands and turned them into a wasteland. She was defending her kingdom and I can respect that. Sunbutt has heard of my methods for gathering love and finds them to be a bit distasteful. Her subjects think of my kind are mere legend, but I know that old hag knows about me. We’ve crossed horns before.”
“Oi! You just ate every slice of pizza! I just got one slice!”
“Well forgive me, I was incredibly hungry, and I don’t know if you can tell, but I require more food than you.”
“Bug horse.”
“Royal Guard.”
“That’s rude. I’m not as stupid as one of those things.”
“Fair enough, you have proven to be smarter than a guard… you think after all. You’re still dumb.”
“I’m dumb and and stupid, thank you-“ Chrysalis leaned over the table and kissed my on the forehead. “Wat.”
“Oh think nothing of it, that was to keep our little insult war from going too extreme. It would’ve eventually, and as much as I love an insult war, I don’t want the insults to get too personal. Even if we only met today, either of us could say something a bit under hoof, and we’ll end up doing something regretable.” Chrysalis giggled. “You looked cute when you went cross eyed after I kissed you, by the way. I might do that again to see that expression!” Okay, so bughorse potentially wants to fuck. Should I jump out the window and book it? Nah, that would be a bit rude. We’re just friends, right?
Being friends with, who is potentially, an enemy of Celestia? That can’t go wrong.
Author's Note
I have something really funny idea for Chrysalis. I’m gonna try my best to make her likeable, and then do the funny with her.
Also after about... an hour of posting this, I rewrote it because I realised it sucked a tiny bit. This was written while.I was sleep deprived, so I went back to fix it up a tiny bit.
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Chrysalis and I Talk Over Soup. Nothing Else Happens, nope.
You know, being roommates with a Changeling Queen wasn’t too shabby. Turns out that the bug knows how to cook, since she apparently has impersonated many ponies, and took up many hobbies. While she wasn’t as long lived as Princess Celestia, but she was still fucking old. Like a millennium and a half old. Whatever, immortal horse bugs are normal, I guess. Anyway, speaking of Chrysalis, she was cooking something that smelled really good right now.
“You know, when I have access to actual food, and not dirt, rocks, and sticks, I can make something delicious,” Chrysalis said as she taste tested the broth to… some sort of soup. “Perfect!” I also shouldn’t be surprised, but the Queen of an entire race had a lot of money, and used said bits to good use. Our cabinets and ice box were loaded with food, plenty of ingredients for pizza(Chrysalis insisted that I make one pizza per week), but cooks most of the other days in a week. For reference, we’ve been roommates for two months now.
“Something tells me you love cooking a lot,” I said casually as I set down the new notebook I’ve been writing in. I’ve been working out a poetry book with deep, meaningful poems about how a pony stubbed his hoof, or the little manticore that could. I even wrote a couple jokes about a certain Changeling Queen, all of which were Queen Chrysalis, Queen of the South East Hive approved:
Lady Bug, Lady Bug, please toss down your mane so I may climb up and kiss you.
Oh dear Celestia, I knew this was too good to be true.
And like a Changeling that kicked a Stallion in the face, dear Chrysalis kicked the stallion in the face.
Then the stallion got put in jail for breaking into the Queen’s castle.
I know, riveting poetry.
“You know, that poem would be better if I kicked the stallion in the hindlegs, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, but I shudder at the thought…” That just sounded completely painful and unnecessary. “I mean, you just don’t do that to a man under any circumstance. Like that’s just wrong.”
“What if they’re trying to assault me.”
“You’re a literal bug horse goddess. You could just bite their head off, rip their legs off, or kick them in the balls, I guess. I mean if they are trying to…”
“Rape me.”
“Thanks for the subtlety.”
“Of course, it’s what we Changelings are best at.”
“I know, just yesterday you made a joke about turning into a ‘pleasure’ toy for stallions, and made a very distasteful joke about all the nasty things said stallions would do to you.” The Queen rolled her eyes. “Anyways, what the heck is that?” I asked.
“Chicken noodle soup, why do you ask? I, as a Changeling Queen, love meat based food. I can stomach plants, love stallions, but I absolutely love meat. Mostly chicken…”
“Give me a bowl please.”
“I thought you ponies didn’t like meat.”
“Yeah, and I’m not a pony.”
“What?” Chrysalis tilted her head. “You have four hooves, a tail, mane, and horn. Are you a Changeling or something? Perhaps a really ugly, short giraffe.”
“Nah, I’m an alien,” I casually said as Chrysalis gave me a bowl of the soup. I took a spoonful, blew on it, and shoved it in my mouth. Sweet god, how is this bug good at cooking? “I mean, have you ever seen a unicorn use their hooves for something? For the most part, I’ve used my hooves, no magic. Maybe my mouth sometimes, but that’s it. I can’t use magic since I’m not a unicorn in mind, but I am in body.” I took another spoonful of broth and swished it around. It was kinda thick, but still pretty good and had a slight creaminess to it.
“I suppose… care to tell me what you are?”
“A human.”
“Ah, that thing Sunny and Luni want to keep secret.”
“How the fuck-“
“A lady never reveals her secrets, Fruit. But I’ve got eyes and ears everywhere, my dear friend. I’ve got drones everywhere, some in more places than others. Most are out gathering love, but others gather some intel in the process. Then I am told about this intel, for instance, human beings, an intelligent race from another universe. If you’re human, that would explain so much about your use of ‘everybody’ and other words like ‘god’. And your apparent love for chicken noodle soup.”
Chrysalis chuckled. “Let’s ignore that for now. If you’re human or not, I don’t care. You’re a good stallion, even if you don’t know it. If you’d like, I can teach you how to use magic,” the Queen offered. “I do love teaching, but all of my drones know how to use all their abilities by instinct. So hopefully I can teach you a thing or two…” I guess this is a thing now; teacher buggy. Chrysalis whipped a book on magic out of nowhere. “Can you tell me how good your emotional control is?”
“It’s okay.“
“Good, good. Think fast!” I yelped when Chrysalis threw an apple at me, and I blinked a couple times when the apple never hit me in the face. Suspended in a red aura, the apple floated inches away from my face. “Magic is heavily tied to your emotions, you were scared of getting hit in the nose by an apple, so your body instinctively used magic to follow your desires of not being hit.” Chrysalis smirked. “You scream like a mare.”
“Rude.”
“But it’s accurate…” Chrysalis cleared her throat. “Now, we’ve reached a breaking point for you. You’ve just used magic for the first time, so let’s try this. Take your spoon, think of the desire to transfer some of the chicken noodle soup’s broth into your mouth.” I did as told. The spoon glowed in a light, red hue, scooped some soup up, and slowly started moving to my mouth. “Magic is all about emotion and motivation…
“Be weary, however. If you have dark desires, such as a desire to hurt somepony, it can corrupt your mind and tap into dark magic. Dark magic corrupts, and is very addictive since it is an easier pathway to raw magic output combined with easier to learn spells. Since I don’t think you will be fighting anypony, ever, I believe you will only need to have a good grasp on levitation.” I twirled a fork in the soup with my magic, and got a mouthful of noodles onto it. Chrysalis clapped her hooves.
“Yes! I’ve taught a pony how to use magic!” She squealed… okay, that was cute. “And you’ve got a natural affinity for levitation, even if your magic does seem to be a bit shaky.” Now my head was starting to hurt. “Wait!” Chrysalis shouted. “I know your head hurts, remember the Changeling sense?”
“The one about emotions?”
“Yes… anyways, if your horn starts aching, or your head begins to hurt after using magic, take a moment and rest. From there, no magic for the rest of the day. With enough practice, you can go for days while using magic, depending on the complexity of a magic being used, without fatigue, and recover from its usage much quicker. Dark magic… doesn’t have this drawback, but again, can corrupt you. I’ve seen firsthoof what that wretched stuff can do to a pony. My last encounter with a dark magic user ended with a sizable chunk of my hive killed.
“And while I might be evil, I do not enjoy the usage of dark magic, as it can corrupt a Changeling and turn them into something that only wishes to cause harm. Even if a Changeling kidnaps a pony, it has the intention of consuming the pony’s love; a means to survive. Heck, the pony it kidnapped might be returned the next day unscathed, if maybe a bit woozy. A Changeling corrupted by dark magic will kidnap and torture you, only because it would like to cause pain to another sentient being.”
“So, essentially absolute power corrupts absolutely?”
“Correct. And also, dark magic can deteriorate your body when used at high levels.” This straight up sounded like something out of Star Wars. I mean, normal magic, or good magic, and then dark magic which corrupts and hurts the user. The only thing missing from this universe are ponies with death glow sticks, running at each other, yelling, and zapping each other with spells… Okay, won’t touch dark magic, I would like to not be an evil sack of shit- nevermind, humans are already pretty bad so what if-
“No.”
“Wat?”
“You are not trying Dark Magic. I can sense your curiosity, stupid. You are a friend, Fruit Punch. It would break my heart to see a friend corrupt themselves and become but a shadow of their former selves; a being with no room in their heart for compassion or love. I’ve already lost many friends, pony and Changeling, all the above, to age or murder. I’d hate to lose a friend to a corrupt, vile form of magic.”
“You had pony friends?” Chrysalis nodded.
“Sometimes a mare’s got to find some time to relax. So occasionally I would go out disguised, make a few pony friends, and stick with them for a lifetime while gathering love for my Hive. Even if I was friends with said ponies for a purpose, I’m still saddened by the loss. Just because I’m using a pony as prey, doesn’t mean I cannot actually enjoy their company can I?” Chrysalis had finished her fifth bowl of soup. “I’ve even married a few stallions and mares in the past on my love escapades. While I never had foals with those I’ve married, I always preferred adoption, I always did genuinely love them back. And by the end of it, I can bring food back to my Hive that will last for decades at a minimum! It was originally why I was out here, to gather love.”
“So, I’m sorta… like a mission piece.”
“Yes and no. You are my friend, but you happen to be supplying me with love. And you’re doing it while I’m not even disguised as somepony else. For that, you mean so much more to me than many of my past pony friends and lovers. And it’s hard to be friends with your children, all of whom are scared of you, respect you, and see you as a goddess. So for that, I can say you’re a true friend. A friend who doesn’t love the somepony I am pretending to be, but just me.
“And also I do like your pizza.”
“Damn woman, only here for my food.”
“That’s right! Can you make pizza tonight? And maybe even teach me how to make one?” Chrysalis tilted her head as she spoke. How is a bug horse adorable? And… Chrysalis can sense that. Welp, she knows how to win any argument we have even easier now. A head tilt, big puppy eyes, and she wins all the time. There was a tiny spark in her eyes when she found out about this bargaining chip; she was unintentionally adorable at times.
“Yeah, I can. I wanna head outside before we do anything whacky, like making a pepperoni pizza,” Chrysalis’s eyes widened.
“You can put meat on pizza? You’ve only been making cheese until now!”
“I thought you didn’t eat meat until now!”
A knock at the door put a pause on our shouting contest. Oh lord. “Fruit? Are you alright in there? I could hear you shout from down the street,” Celestia’s voice rang in from the other side. Uh… how would Celestia feel if she encountered Chrysalis in my home? I don’t want good ol’ Chryssy to get murdered(even if she snores kinda loudly), and…
“We cannot have Princess Celestia see me,” Chrysalis whispered.
“Hide somewhere!” I whispered back. Next thing I know,Queen Chrysalis scrambled to get under the bed, and I stuffed the blanket in with her to hide her eyes(they glowed in the dark. It’s pretty cool, but really not helpful when trying to hide from an immortal pony that can set you on fire by blinking). With a successfully hidden Changeling Queen, I went to open the door. And whaddya know? Celestia is standing on the other side of the door looking ready to pounce on somebody. Not without taking a deep breath and adopting a more casual(and not slightly panicked) face.
“Hey Tia, what are you doing here?”
“Well, I was coming by to introduce you to somebody,” Celestia stepped inside and made her way over to the table… fuck, the chicken noodle soup is out. That’ll look odd to Celly, since it had a few expensive ingredients in it(that’s what Chrissy said). Another alicorn, a pink one stepped inside after Celestia. This one was much, much shorter than Celestia, had a heart for a butt tattoo, and had a non-flowing-not-physics-defying mane and tail that were yellow, some pink? And purple.
“Sup,” I casually greet. Woohoo, a third princess! What’s next? Somebody becomes the Princess of Friendship? Actually, I hope not, since that would spell disaster for everybody here. Like why the fuck would you need a Princess to tell you how to make friends? Just be like me, look approachable, get adopted by somebody with social skills, and wa’la! Friendship! Actually, I did kinda adopt Chrysalis, so for once I was the one with social skills…
Fuck.
“Hello, my name is Cadence, Princess of Love,” well then, at least it ain’t about friendship. “What is that smell…” The two of us turned to see Celestia eyeballing the soup on the stove. I chuckled nervously, that thing probably smelled a lot like Chrysalis for obvious reasons. I almost exclusively used the oven while Chrysalis exclusively used the stove. “Is that chicken soup?” Cadence looked slightly disgusted by that.
“What? You ponies eat eggs, which are basically chicken fetuses. Why can’t I eat some chicken?” I cleared my throat. “Say Celestia, does Cadence know the thing about me?”
Celestia nodded. “I did inform her that she was meeting a pony that was… unique. Princess Cadence is my adoptive niece, and also, well, a Princess. It wouldn’t hurt to tell her about you being a human…” Celestia looked in the pantry. “Did you find a job? This place was much more bare the last time I was here.”
“Yeah, I told a few jokes at a comedy bar, and got paid a good amount by the patrons,” I waved a hoof. Technically, this was true, I did get a few(not a lot) bits from a couple ponies in a comedy club. “Best crowd I ever told jokes for…” a piece of paper floated over to me, which neither Princess noticed somehow.
“One of my drones thinks I just got captured, and is heading back to the Hive.” Oh dear. Welp, that can’t be too good. I read the rest of the note. “Also Princess of Love… she was planning a wedding in a few months, and I was gonna kidnap the bride and take her place. Then you told me to behave and housed me, so I decided not to do that.” Well that’s neat, Chrysalis had plans of basically stealing a Princess’s husband, how could that go wrong?
Oh, and she was either being honest or pulling my leg. Least Chryssy didn’t say she’d go through with the plan because of me! That was kinda sweet, actually.
“Well, perhaps I can give you the addresses for more comedy clubs. I have not been to many myself, but I did not know that ponies gave tips to those who went on stage,” Princess Celestia started.
“I didn’t either.”
“Well, I was hoping to invite you to Princess Cadence’s wedding as my plus one. Since you are a friend of mine, friend of the crown, and you can spend some time with Cadence, she did want to speak with you.” Wat? Go to a wedding?
“I have been wanting to meet you. A stallion crushes one of my aunts, and somehow gets on her good side right after? You sound like an interesting pony to speak to,” Cadence said.
“I ain’t a pony. I’m a horse,” I said while trying to think of some way to get these two out of my home. That got Cadence to roll her eyes. Celestia simply chuckled, as she was used to my terrible sense of humor already, and actually took a sip of some of the chicken broth. That got Cadence to gag a bit. C’mon now, you fuckers are omnivorous, don’t give me that ‘meat is digusting’ bullshit.
“This isn’t too bad, Cadence you should-“ an alarm clock poofed into existence and Celestia’s eyes widened. “Darnit, Day Court is about to begin!” With that, Celestia grabbed Cadence with her forelegs, and the two of them teleported away. What the fuck is Day Court? That sounds like just a constant stream of lawsuits during the day!
“Thank Celestia, literally, for her scheduling. I like the darkness that comes from hiding under your bed, but I’ve got long legs I’ve got to stretch!” Chrysalis shivered and shuttered. “Remember that drone I brought up, Fruit?” She asked.
“The one that thought you were gonna get beheaded?” I asked.
“Yes. It seems as though that drone managed to inform the Hive… and now the Hive is making its way down to Canterlot,” Chrysalis said.
“Can’t you stop them?” I asked. “You are the Queen, after all.”
“Nope. When you’ve got thousands of drones that are concerned for your well-being, once they figure out that you might be in danger, they will not stop under any heed. Even my own,” Chrysalis face hoofed. “I love my children, I really do, but I think a war is going to break out here in Canterlot, especially at the wedding,” Chrysalis wrapped her forelegs around me like a protective mother. “Do not go to that wedding, or you might get killed! If my drones think I have been captured, then they will search the castle first!”
“You aren’t gonna do anything stupid either, right?” I asked.
“No, as I said in my note, I have given up on trying to impersonate the Princess of Food. For now…”. The Queen was engulfed in green fire before setting a hoof on me. “Let’s just go on a walk. Having Princess Celestia in such close proximity to me was horrifying, and my legs are still cramped from hiding under the bed. Who knows? We might find you some ‘sorry for not showing up at the wedding, a bunch of horse bugs invaded’ gift.’”
“Hey, you got mad when I called you a horse bug when we first met.”
“It is something you would write on a note attached to such a gift, would it not?” Chrysalis giggled. “If I wanted to, I can make a psychological profile on you in a day.”
Wat. Before I could even ask what that would entail, Chrysalis picked me up on her back, and proceeded to gallop out of my house.
Author's Note
Anyways, the Changeling invasion is in its infancy and it all happened on accident! Fruit is going to have a lot of fun later!
Dinner with the ‘Elements’
So, security to everywhere and anywhere in Canterlot has stepped up a lot. Chrysalis had recently opted to stay inside a lot more, since guards were wandering around and zapping ponies with spells for some reason. I just wanted to buy some milk, and I get scanned at various checkpoints in the city to make sure that I’m not a skinwalker or something. The reason for why may have to do with the fact that the wedding for Princess Cadence was in a week. Oh yeah, and there was a pink bubble around Canterlot to add to the list of bullshiit that popped up…
I know what being a goldfish is like now, I guess.
Anyway, I was trying to figure out what I should buy for Cadence, since I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know shit about her. Fuck, I don’t even know who the hell she’s marrying, so I dunno… I’ll just go get the Princess a Love some shitty book with a heart on it. Surely it’ll be about love, and therefore, the Princess of Love will love it. On top of that, I’ll make a cute(and terrible) little drawing of a horse so she won’t throw it out. That, or I just don’t show up with anything and hope nobody notices.
Or just not show up at all.
I passed through a 7th checkpoint, entered a supermarket(somehow this place has supermarkets but no television), and got scanned by somebody as soon as I walked in. One of the cashiers waved at me with a huge smile on their face, a smile that was clearly too big to be real; no retail worker is that happy to be working… nope, never mind. Those look like genuine smiles to me. How in the heck was somebody genuinely happy to be working at this specific type of job? Customers are horrible to deal with- that’s a skit idea.
One overly happy cashier and one cashier on the verge of killing themselves.
I grabbed a shopping cart and nudged it along with my head as I beelined for the dairy isle, quickly grabbed some milk, and decided to wander around a bit more. You see, I’m an idiot, and Chrysalis handed me a pouch full of bits to splurge on. I’m not gonna question how a ruler of another country, that doesn’t use money, has a lot of bits, but whatever. Anyways, I bought a box of chocolate, a stupid book that had a heart on it(it was about how a pony and a timber werewolf[wat] find love), and a beanie.
The beanie made me really excited, since I can wear this and not worry about how my mane looks in public! I’ll look like a degenerate for wearing a hat inside, but who cares? I certainly don’t. There was even a hole for my horn to go through, so I didn't stab the beanie. It had a cute little design that looked a lot like a wolf, but looked like it was made of wood. Its eyes were a sharp green, like it was supposed to be glowing. Anyway, I bought a second one for Chrysalis since I think she’d look adorable with a beanie on.
What? Technically Chrysalis gave me her money, so I might as well get her something. Might as well get her a beanie since it is getting a tad bit chilly thanks to it being fall now… holy fuck this year was going by fast. I came in during New Year day, and now it’s the middle of Pegasust(or August if you ignored the shitty pony/horse pun). Jesus Christ, In a few more months, then I would've been stuck in Equestria for a year! Well, I might as well celebrate this by buying alcohol and getting fucking smashed on New Year.
I’m not in debt though, so who is the winner here, really? Well, my friends and family probably think I’m dead, but they probably don’t care. Since I had life insurance, so that meant if I were to suddenly die, then my family would get paid like… a million bucks. Maybe with a little dead son pressure, I can get them to donate to Make a Wish. So really it’s a win-win-win. I don’t have to make some sort of excuse not to see my family from now on, I’m not in debt, and my parents get a million dollars. Anyways, I quickly checked out, paid whatever I owed and left the store. I am now the proud owner of a beanie.
Not without getting scanned again though.
Several more checkpoints and possible physical violations were put upon me, and I made it home. I proudly walked back inside my tiny little apartment while adorning my beanie, and quickly put milk into the ice box. Chrysalis was napping on the couch, with a slice of pizza laying on her chest, and a bit of another slice hanging out of her mouth… okay, she snored like a puppy(a loud one). That’s kinda cute… Well, who would think that an immortal bug god would be cute? I didn’t when I first met Chrysalis, but she found a way to be cute entirely by accident.
And she fuels her magic through cuddles(literally. She cuddled with me when she felt her magic begin to deplete. After the cuddle session, she was moving around like she drank some redbull). Surprisingly, an exoskeleton was kinda soft and nice to lay your head on. Now, she could be feeding off of me, but I didn’t mind, since it didn’t really hurt me at all. Plus, she wasn’t exactly evil, just that she loved her Hive. Even if her Hive could be… a bit dense, the Changelings in said Hive were still her children…
I think I love Chrysalis.
Not in the “have my babies” kind of way, but she is kinda like a sibling. A very well controlled, long lived(possibly immortal) sister, but still a bit like a sister. My human brain physically cannot find anything with an equine build to be attractive, so being romantically involved with Chrysalis was a fat no. I didn’t think we could fuck if we wanted to, but I won’t have to find out. I’m perfectly happy to have a Changeling sister that happens to be kinda cuddly.
I sat down on the couch without disturbing the sleeping Changeling Queen, who was now drooling(d’aww). This was the least lady-like lady I’ve met in years. I took a book up in my magic. It was a more advanced book on pony psychology, which I’ve found very interesting. Since you know, I’m a wannabe comedian, I had to take a psychology class. It partially helped out with knowing what jokes to tell, and how to read a room better to know when you should change comedy styles. Philosophy was a huge thing in pony society, much like it once was in human history.
Some cool things the thinkers are thinking of is if peaceful solutions are always the best solution, or if something more lethal would do the trick. You see, as human beings, we have a simple solution to many things that trouble us. If there's a threat that can be potentially life threatening, then shoot it and/or kill it. Otherwise, ignore the problem and hope it doesn’t bite you in the ass later. Usually we just sweep problems under the rug and then wonder why X is causing Y to do Z in a way that we don’t want. Then we end up blaming X more than the actual problem- wait a fucking second.
Why does this book say ‘if something goes wrong, our Princess(this was written before Luna returned from the moon) will put an end to it’? Like dude, I get that Celestia is basically a god, but she isn’t omnipotent, and she ain’t omnipresent either. She’s a very powerful horse that sneezes like a kitten, but she isn’t exactly a god even if she does come very close to it. Well, hey, if something goes wrong, I’m not gonna sit on my ass and wait for a pony that can move a celestial body, to save my ass. No, I’m going to grab the nearest object and hopefully bludgeon the nearest threat in sight.
So shit military, and a stupid idea of ‘Celestia will save us!’ Mentality… dude, how was this the strongest country on the planet? Bro, we’re all gonna die to a fucking goat nation at some point. Fuck, some other people might find a way into where ever the fuck this is, and commit genocide.
“mmrg…” Chrysalis stirred and began to sit up(after swallowing the two pieces of pizza she had on her. “Sweet Fruity? Is that you?” she asked before going to rub her eyes with a forehoof. “Did you get milk while you were out?” the Queen asked.
“Yup, got a couple gallons.”
“What in the hay are gallons?”
“I meant griffins!” I corrected it. Fucking christ, how many mythological puns for shit were there? The entire measurement system was a bunch of puns, which I am very happy about. Griffins, horsets, flanks, and fluid ponies. All terrible, very forced pony/mythologically based puns and I’m all for it! “God, not using the metric system as an American really does put a damper on my plans for world domination,” I said while Chrysalis groggily laid her head on my shoulder.
“We can both do that… at the wedding. Just take me as your plus one,” Chrysalis slurred.
“But I’m already a plus one.”
“The Plus One’s Plus One then.”
“Didn’t you say I shouldn’t go?”
“Yes, but if I go, then and I can collect love and keep you safe…” Chrysalis burped and a letter erupted from the green fires that were expelled from the Changeling Queen. Oh yeah, ponies can send letters by magic, and Chrysalis decided to be our sentient mailbox for the time that she was here. All I had to do was give an address, give my name, give the person who would be acting as sentient mailbox, and boom! Changeling Mail! This kinda made up for the lack of internet.
Not really, I miss being able to ask a girl if she’d like to do some Netflix and chill, and then not doing that because I lack social skills.
“Celestia wants you to come to the castle,” Chrysalis said… she was reading my mail! Damn woman stays for my food, my couch, my bed, and reads my mail! Fuckin’ hell Chryssy, you’re lucky that you’re a good roommate and you’re good your dishes. “Something about meeting six ponies that she wanted you to meet,” she added. “And… that’s it,” Chrysalis burped and a little pendant came out afterwards. “Ooo shiny!” She said, before handing it over to me.
“So what’s the pendant for?” I asked.
“Hive if I know,” Chrysalis shrugged. “Just make sure you steal me a stallion to make love with. I’m dying for pony meat.”
“Wat?”
“Don’t worry, I don’t actually eat ponies. That would be barbaric.”
“Woman, you slept with half a pizza slice down your throat-“
“Ah, I said barbaric, not messy. Don’t accuse me of not being a mess, because you are flat wrong if you say otherwise.” I made my way over to the door, before Chrysalis was right by it, and planted a kiss on my cheek. “That’s to let my drones know that you’re mine, so if they end up breaking the shield, then you won’t be harmed.”
“That’s a lie.”
“You’re right. It makes me feel better to think that way, however.”
“Same, let’s pretend it does, and then I sneak you into the wedding.”
With that, I hugged the Changeling, and left our little apartment. I waved at a few passerbys, who seemed to not notice the fucking pink forcefield over our head. Hello, fellow ponies, our city is potentially going to burn down in a week. Do you not think that is problematic? No? Not at all, cool. Maybe ponies are a bit too reliant on our incompetent military and princesses that have control over the sun and moon.
On the bright side, the sun is a deadly lazer, and again, the Princesses owns that. So maybe ponies are a little justified in their reliance on Sunbutt, but it’s still dumb to rely on her.
Seven checkpoints, a body check, and a bag check(I don’t have any bags. What the fuck), and I was in Canterlot Castle. From there I was scanned another five times, led up to the Solar Wing of the castle, scanned again, and brought into what looked like a dining hall. Six mares, Shining Armor, and Princess Cadence were sitting around and eating dinner. One of the mares, a purple one, was currently chatting with Cadence like they had some history together.
Oh, Celestia just walked in behind me.
“Hello, Fruit Punch. I’m glad you could join me and the Elements for dinner tonight,” with that, everybody in the room turned to me, and I casually waved a hoof. I was doing my best to keep a chilled, laid back impression, but I wanted to jump out of a window. I really hated being in rooms full of people. It’s why I folded so hard when I got sued by Luna(on top of me knowing that I was fucked).
“Say, I think I heard of ya,” the Orange One said.
“Lemme guess, that one pony that Luna sued?” I asked.
“So that’s the pony that fell on top of Luna during the Gala!” A white pony with a curly, purple mane said. “At least the Princess found a good catch, even if he might be a creep,” she added.
“Rarity,” Purple Horse said.
“What Twilight? For all we know, he could’ve been planning on dropping on top of poor Luna like that!” My eyes twitched. This pony sounded like a rich asshole with a soup ladle shoved up her ass. “Why is he here anyways?” Rarity continued.
“You know, I’m flattered,” everypony looked at me. “When I woke up in my bed almost a year ago, I was busy thinking about student loans and improv practice. Maybe dream about running a comedy show for thousands of adoring fans if I ever made it big… But actively planning something, breaching through several layers of security, and thinking that I can casually assault Princess Luna with barely any repercussions because I played my cards right in court?
“Rarity, fare Rarity, mare that talks like there’s a soup ladle of her ass, thank you for assuming I’m diabolical enough to come up with that. Who knows? I may be scheming to take over Equestria by booping that dingus,” I pointed at a sleepy Luna, who looked ready to pass out and slam her head into some oatmeal. “Holy shit Luna, what the fuck happened to you?” I trotted over to the Moon Princess and wrapped an arm around her back.
“Buck thee, Fruit.”
“Rude.”
“Excuse my sister, Lulu has been trying to readjust her usual nocturnal habits so she can attend Cadence’s wedding,” Celestia walked over and draped a wing over Luna. As anticipated several months ago, wing hugs from an alicorn looked adorable, especially when Luna melts into her sister’s hug. “And then word has spread that there maybe a threat to the city, which requires my sister and I to keep watch at all hours of the day and night.
“Which means Luna’s plans to go to our niece’s wedding are null and void.”
Oh right, that might be Chryssy’s drones… oh well, clearly the Royal Guard has that handled.
“Go put Luna in her room! She looks a bit tired, don’tcha think?” I asked. Celestia nodded, and before Luna could protest, was teleported away. Hopefully to her room into her bed, under her blanket, with a teddy bear. I cleared my throat after that whole thing was over. “So, why’d you want me to meet these six, Celly? Trying to get me to make friends?” I asked.
“I was, but then you implied that Miss Rarity has a soup ladle shoved up her rear,” Princess Celestia said. I slowly turned away from the Mare of the Morn, and low and behold, all six mares, except the pink one, were glaring at me. Huh, so that’s what happens when I don’t take ADHD medicine for a year. Good to know, I need adderall. Maybe Chrysalis can whip up magical versions, since she’s pretty well versed with magic. Assuming that she is, since she taught me how to use magic in like a… minute
“Uh… sorry about the whole ‘soup ladle in butt’ thing. I kinda don’t like when somebody implies that I was planning to rape somebody. I wouldn’t because it’s fucked up,” then I pulled a small, black book out of my flank pocket. “And because this little book here has a million metaphors in it, telling me why it’s fucked up.” The book was titled ‘the Cult of the Magical Mare with a Sun Butt Tattoo’. I decided to make take a small, little leather book, print a title on it, and keep it for a practical joke at some point.
And now I got to use it. Get fucking meta’d, bitches… I need medicine.
“Oh my, are you starting yet another cult in my honor, Fruit?” Celestia asked.
“Yup!” I immediately opened the book and pretended to scribble what she just said down. “And… that means ‘Murder bad, don’t do it.’” That got a giggle out of Celestia. I wrote that down. “Make sure you enjoy life, it won’t last long!” Celestia snorted.
“I think you enjoy prop based humor too much.”
“What can I say? Can’t be a comedian if I don’t prop myself up against a style of comedy. Every comedian has a type of joke, or thing they do. Bo Burnham writes silly songs, I make terrible puns, and Logal Paul goes into forests and films dead bodies. We just need to find the right type of humor to work with!” Celestia raised an eyebrow. Before brushing off the bit about dead bodies. Good, I don’t want to explain to Celestia that that was a stunt used for publicity.
“Ooo! This guy’s great! He can be apart of the entertainment during the ‘Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, Twilight’s brother, get married’ party!” The pink one said. Uh… wat.
“That wouldn’t be too bad of an idea, Miss Pinkie, but I’m not quite sure that Fruit’s humor would be very suitable for a wedding.”
“Of course, my sense of humor is perfect for weddings. I tell them, the crowd happily weds my one good joke, and then divorce once they realize my sense of humor is terrible. It’s like marrying somebody, but then they steal your wallet and your left kidney, and disappear without a trace,” I said. “Like damn, I get the bit about stealing my wallet, but now I’m down a kidney. How else will I be able to process overly salty popcorn now?” I placed a hoof over where I think my kidneys are. “It’s a shame really, I never recovered from the emotional damage.”
“You were married? You seem a little young to be married already,” the orange one said.
“Yeah, I got married this one time, and it was super sick. Me and my wife got along super well, shared a lot of hobbies, personal interests and dreams. And like, it turns out that I never got married. In fact, I’ve been sitting on the couch, wallowing in my own filth for the last 250 years. And like, I imagined that whole thing, and I never ate food during that time. Can I borrow some hay please?” That got the pink one to laugh like a maniac while everybody just gave me a weird look. Well, it was better than the glares.
“Speaking of which, I believe you might have a special somepony, a pony you’d like to bring to the wedding, don’t you, Fruit?” Cadence asked.
“Isn’t Sunny already taking me as her date?”
“Only as a plus one. I’d like to get the rumor mill churning again.”
“We could make it run while overclocked. I got somebody I wanna take, we can get those nobles to think you support threesomes.” Celestia rubbed her hooves together like a villain.
“You’re right… and I get to meet the one pony you’ve actually made friends with. So surely they must be special if they could do that,” Celestia said.
“Oh yeah, she’s great-“
“She?” Princess Cadence asked. “A special somepony, perhaps?”
“I mean, she is a cuddle bug. And really friendly, I met her after somebody slipped drugs into the princesses’ tea, and she moved into my place ever since.” A plate of ‘pizza’ was set in front of me. “Oh son of a bitch!” Everybody that wasn’t Celestia gasped at my outburst.
“Do not mind Fruit, he has a thing against pizza.”
“Show me where the fuckin’ kitchens are. I’m gonna make y’all some real fucking pizza.” Celestia called a guard over and had them lead me to the royal kitchens… mozzarella, asiago, stuff to make marinara sauce, stuff to make dough. Okay, time to abolish the insult that is ‘proper’ pizza in Equestria with something that doesn’t just taste like bread and veggies. Watch your asses, my little ponies, you’re going straight down to flavor town!
Anyways, I made six three cheese pizzas, half of them with bell peppers, and the other.was plain. I even made a seventh with a stuffed crust. I got a cart, which the kitchen staff were nice enough to lend me, and began to make my way back to the dining room.
Anyways, the alicorns in the room had stuffed all three bell pepper pizzas down their throats, and the elements were stuffed full of cheese pizza. Shining Armor was covered in pizza sauce, and now I’m back in the kitchen, making more pizza. Oh, and the stuff crust pizza was discovered and torn to shreds within five seconds. This was a mistake and a half… hey, I might get paid for this at least!
I didn’t even get to have a slice of my own pie.
Also I didn’t get paid. What a scam!
I Screamed Like a Girl During a Wedding
“So, how do I look?” Chrysalis asked, currently she was disguised as a slender-legged unicorn with a really nice white coat. Her mane was a light blue, which was in a similar style to how her ‘mane’ usually is when undisguised, if not a little more wavy. “This is how I wish I looked if I were a pony… being a Queen is nice and all, but some ponies consider that scary and nigh unapproachable. Even my drones consider my natural form to be a bit scary.”
The mane thing that sold Chrysalis’s disguise was her eyes. Unlike her usually reptilian eyes, they were the same acid green, if only a touch softer in color. They were huge, round, and adorable. I’m mostly surprised by the fact that she had a dress, and by the fact that ponies(and Changelings) wore clothing on occasion. Apparently a lot of rich assholes wore clothes all the time, but most just wore clothing for special events.
The dress itself was a nice, sea blue with red accents here and there. The cheat area fit snugly around the Queen’s barrel, there were a few frills here and there, but it was a really simple dress. It was clear that the dress had been commissioned and been through quite a bit, with clearly home-done stitching going up and down it to keep the old thing intact. It was kinda pretty, but monkey brain just makes me go ‘give it a boop on the nose’ rather than a ‘holy fuck you’re gorgeous’ thing. It’s a shame too, Chryssy could be an excellent date for just about anybody that gave her a shot.
Undisguised or not, she was actually kinda pretty though(she showed me how she looked with the dress on and undisguised). And she was adorable.
“Eh… I’d rather you just be your regular self, there’s something simply adorable about ya. As this, it looks like you’re trying to be understated, while being stunningly beautiful. Your face is really cute, the dress is really nice, but… I dunno. I’m sorry for not being able to give you a full, ‘pony or ‘ling’ point of view. I’m a monkey, a hairless monkey thing that grew up thinking female hairless, tailless monkeys are hot.” I wrapped an arm around Chrysalis. “I’ll bet your many lovers were glad to have you as a wife, eh?”
“Well, I always used this disguise in the past while dating ponies. I could always hear them gush to their friends about how ‘smoking hot’ I am.” Chrysalis looked at me. “Don’t you have anything to wear? No suit, nothing like that? I’m sure you’d look dashing in a guard’s ceremonial uniform.” She said, “I’ll even help you put it on, since we’ll be late for the wedding at this point!”
“Oh yeah, I do,” I walked over to one of two wardrobes. One was Chrysalis’s, the other was mine. Unlike Chryssy, who had a decent amount of dresses and hats, I just had my beanie and the ceremonial guard outfit that Sunny let me keep. Green magic surrounded the uniform and then… the next thing I know, I’m wearing the suit. “Wow, that’s pretty neat,” I said as Chrysalis levitated me over the mirror.
Wow, this thing was kinda tight, but still comfy. There were no pants, which probably wouldn’t work on an equine build anyways, but it was still kinda neat. The closest human equivalent I could give it would be a British red coat from colonial times. Nice, sharp red, but lacked the stupid hat the Red Coats had to wear in the past. There was a white undershirt, well, under the unbutton jacket, which kinda defined my… muscles?
That was probably fat. I am not that fit.
“Hmm…” Chrysalis said as she scanned me while I stared at myself in the mirror. “As I suspected, you’re a hunk! Your dark coat makes it kind of hard to see your foreleg muscles, but this highlights them quite nicely!” Chrysalis did something I assumed was seductive(I think, I don’t fucking know), by rubbing her head against my neck(okay nevermind, it was supposed to be. Thank you body language book). “Well, let’s go. We can’t have our Princess wait on us for too long, can we?”
“What about you? Won’t you get caught by a scan?” Chrysalis then shrunk down before my eyes, and hopped in a foreleg pocket that was in my uniform. “Okay, that works too.”
“Of course, and you should know how incompetent the guards are at their job.”
“Yeah, makes Australia’s military look actually powerful!” I laughed.
“Oh? A story of your world? May you tell itl?” Chrysalis asked as we stepped out of the door.
“Yeah, I can. Might paraphrase here and there, since this war lasted about a month…” I said as a guard scanned me, and nodded to let me pass. “So like, Australia is this nation that takes up a whole continent, if the definition for that is the same here, then yeah, Austrailians ruled a whole continent. Some dickheads argue that it’s just a big island, but that’s for another day.”
“So a nation ruled over a whole continent, surely their military-“
“Nope. This country went to war with a bunch of emus.”
“What are emus?” Chryssy asked.
“So, think of a bird, but big and can’t fly. I dunno how smart animals are here, but these birds are fucking dumb-“ I paused until we were out of earshot of another guard. “Like think of a Royal Guard, but even more stupid. And Australia declared war on a bunch of birds that could barely even register that they were alive,” I chuckled.
“Do not tell me that a country of your people managed to lose to birds.”
“They did.”
“What the Hive.”
“Your reaction was the same as mine when I first learnt about it. Like, we humans have guns, things designed to kill shit almost instantly, and Australia had a lot of guns. Somehow lost to a shit ton of birds, but it’s not as bad as the time a whole squadron in battle had shot their own allies.” The rest of the stroll ended up being me telling a bunch of tales and blunders from wars. Chrysalis found great delight in my dramatized retellings(and retellings so I wouldn’t accidentally leak the human race to anybody other than Chryssy).
Anyways, we got into the castle without a hitch, I found a public bathroom, and Chrysalis unshrink herself. Then we spent the next few minutes wandering around until Celestia found us… holy fuck did these two get along well. Despite Chrysalis potentially being scared of the solar alicorn, she seemed to find it very easy to joke and talk with Celestia. The two were currently joking about royalty, and how far their heads up their own asses were.
They did say they had some history, right? Maybe Chrysalis just knows how to handle the royalty of Equestria.
Anyways, one thing led to another, and Chrysalis and I were sitting together in one of the last rows in the wedding room, by one of the windows. We both remained silent, since the entire room was filled with Cadence and Shining’s friends and family. “You know, I just thought of something really funny to do during the wedding reception,” I told Chrysalis.
“Oh? Did you bring paintballs to throw at the groom? Kiss the bride during a dance?”
“Nah, that would just be mean and not funny. I know a song by heart, one about finding love. I’m gonna hijack the piano I saw in the party room earlier, and play comedic song on that.”
“Oohoohoo, I didn’t know you could play piano, Fruit.”
“Hey, I can also have a few tricks up my sleeves,” I raised both my hooves. “Dunno how well I’ll do without fingers, but I’d like to know enough to save my blunders.” In other words, I will fuck up, and I won’t be able to save it. I memorized hand placements on a piano, I don’t play it enough to actually play it very well.
“I bet you can sing very well.”
“Uh… I dunno, maybe. I was hoping to find a vocal coach before I fell on top of Luna. So I’ll probably suck.”
“Well, you won’t be singing to impress at least.”
“Thank fuck for that. Hopefully my performance won’t be too-“ I heard a nice symphony of banging. “What the fu-“ What looked like a mini Chrysalis slammed through the roof, hissed and flew off. Unlike Chrysalis, it had solid blue eyes, smaller, duller fangs, and lacked any ‘hair’. I looked outside and noticed a bunch of mini Chrysalises deliberately slamming into the ground, but they weren’t really attacking anything from what I can see. “Wasn’t Shining Armor supposed to be working the magical shield, fish bowl?” I whispered to Chrysalis.
“Yes he was. That is kind of odd how my drones pierced the barrier. As lousy of a captain that Shining Armor is, he is a hunk, and a talented user in defense based magi-“ her ear flicked and she sighed. “He went to the bathroom and somebody took over for him for a second,” she casually said. “One of my drones was spying on him after getting past security with Royal Guard armor it had lying around.”
“How the fuck?”
“There are children in here, Fruit.”
“How fucking stupid can one group of ponies, who defend other ponies, ponies that likely can’t defend themselves, be so stupid?”
“They have a princess that controls the sun, who is also seen as a deity in other countries. And then Luna would be seen as the equivalent of Satan for you monkeys,” Chrysalis said before chuckling. “If it were not for those two being magically bound to two celestial bodies, Equestria would’ve burnt to the ground the moment it banded together.” A magical beam flew in from nowhere and struck Chrysalis. It didn’t seem to hurt her, but it did undo her disguise. Everybody gasped, and Celestia, who was standing at the head of the room, got ready to stab Chryssy.
“I should’ve known you would try to show up and steal love!” Chrysalis managed to shed her dress in a millisecond(da fuck?), and hopped over the other seats… and accidentally took me with her. I crashed down in front of her and let out a very manly shriek when I saw Celestia rushing towards where I had landed. I remained curled up, covering the back of my head with my hooves, in hopes that I don’t get trampled too hard. Chrysalis let out a snarl, and quickly noticed that I had landed in front of her.
“Fruit!” She shrieked, before leaping in front of me, and rolled me to the side with her magic. A moment later, Chrysalis and Celestia locked horns while everybody stared in shock and horror. Thank god Chrysalis was quick with noticing, since both mares’ hooves stomped into the ground where I had just been. I owe that woman ice cream. Meanwhile, the six mares from last night(I forgot their names already. I’m gonna refer them as Skittles flavors), running out the door after Celestia barked at Grape to go get the ‘Elements of Harmony’. Whatever the hell that meant.
“Yo, Celly, Chryssy, can you two not murder each other?” I said as both mares backed off each other, and Celestia ascended into the sky… she’s gonna try to incinerate somebody! I quickly placed myself in front of Celestia and Chrysalis. “Fuckin’ quit it already! I don’t wanna see my best friend get zapped by a fucking solar flare!” I yelled. “Like fuckin’ christ, the only reason why the Changelings are here, is because they’re stupid, and think Chrysalis, their queen and mother, is about to get her head chopped the hell off! So how about we don’t kill each other, show Chrysalis's drones that she’s alright, and we continue with the wedding?” Was Chrysalis crouching behind me right now?
“Chrysalis, are you alright?”
“You do not understand how close you were to dying just now, or how close I was to dying. On enough love I can rival Princess Celestia, but as I am right now, I would’ve been killed.” Jesus fucking christ.
“Fruit, is that the ‘mare’ you’ve been claiming to be your roommate?” Celestia asked.
“Yeah, am I in trouble for harboring an enemy or some shit? Because as far as I’m aware, she wasn’t acting when you two were chatting earlier. I went to school for a major in comedy and psychology, Celly. On top of that, I took some acting classes, and can spot bad acting on the spot!” I bowed to Chrysalis. “No offense, but your acting skills aren’t the greatest.”
“Oh no, I’m aware that my acting is rather poor, you are apparently trained in acting and could see through mine, unlike most ponies.”
“Moving on! I think you two could be good friends, so let’s not stab each other, and chat over some tea later?” I then shouted, “Yo dumbasses, I got your queen right here!” A drone then shot through the roof again, looked at Chrysalis, and tilted its head. It looked like a puppy looking at its owner. Not gonna lie, would keep as a pet if it weren’t also probably sentient. Chryssy says her drones aren’t the smartest, but surely they must know a sense of self.
“Gather together outside of Canterlot, me and Princess Celestia have much to discuss later. Do not move from your locations outside of Canterlot unless told, understood?” The drone nodded, and sure enough, the massive sound of a bunch of insect wings rang through my ears. Every Changeling was moving out, and the Skittles(original mix) burst through the door with a bunch of jewelry.
“Swear to fuckin’ god, if those can produce magical death rainbows, don’t shoot them at Chryssy,” I turned around to see that Celestia was currently helping up Chrysalis… it looked like they were apologizing to each other and… hey, a hug! That’s good, hopefully neither of them ended up killing each other. Good, we won’t be needing to taste the rainbow from the Elements.
“What in the hay was that whole invasion for then?” Sour Apple asked. What? She had an apple tattoo on her ass?
“Celly visited me while the Changeling Queen was bunking at my place. A drone, or infiltrator, saw that happen and assumed that their Queen was gonna die. Two weeks later a whole battalion of them showed up just to rescue Chrysalis.” It was then that Shining Armor and Princess Cadence rushed in.
“Sorry we’re late! We woke up late, and somebody forgot to do their business before we left our house!” Princess Cadence said with a snap to Shining Armor.
“So, you didn’t see what just happened?” I asked.
“What happened?” Cadence and Shining Armor asked… of course they wouldn’t know about that. Why would they? They've got the densest stallion in Equestria with a mare that’s probably just as dense. Neither of them even acknowledged Queen Chrysalis, who had quickly put her dress back on, and taken back her spot amongst the seating, but was given significantly more space by everybody once they realized what she was. Everybody resumed their positions like there aren't two holes in the ceiling, or an invasion just happened, or the fact that there’s a Changeling Queen sitting amongst us.
Oh boy, as soon as I sat down, Chrysalis pulled me into a hug, and rested her chin on my head. “Thank you… for stopping mine and Celly’s fight,” Chrysalis said as Celestia went over whatever the fuck ponies went over during marriage. The bride and groom kissed, but we weren’t really paying attention. “You not only saved my life, but I believe you saved everypony in here, and every one of my drones’ lives. My drones would’ve gone berserk and gone on a rampage if I had been killed.”
“I wasn’t thinking about that, I’m gonna be real,” I said with a shrug. “I was trying to make sure you wouldn’t get killed. It’s what friends are for, at least what I was taught while growing up. When you’ve got a best friend, you best have your best friend’s back, and tell it to them straight when they’re being dumb. And at the end of the day, friends keep each other safe for a reason.” Chrysalis chose that moment to spin me around and bury my face in her chest. Good thing she was a bug and not a mammal, or this would be awkward.
“You know, Princess Celestia is having her student study on friendship, when I feel like they should just listen to you.”
“Wait, studying friendship… how the fuck does that work?” I asked, and Chrysalis got up on her hindlegs and began to carry me off to what I assumed was the party room. “Because wouldn’t that just involve being a friend and… y’know, be a good fucking friend? Be nice to them, tell them they’re being stupid when they’re being stupid, and all that shit I just spilled about being friends?”
“Don’t look at me, I’m not the one who thought that a pony should take lessons in friendships.” Chrysalis then magicked up the piano player, and set me in the chair after we had entered the party room. “Well? I believe you said you wanted to hijack the piano, so here you are!” She said, and then promptly sat like a puppy with her eyes glued to me. I chuckled a bit, before placing a hoof on the piano to play a triad… it works just like if I had fingers, so that’s cool.
Chrysalis then set a microphone in front of me, which she probably took from the singer in the room, who was now looking for said microphone. I chuckled before I started speaking. “We all want love,” everybody who was slow dancing stopped to look at me. A bunch of them were standing around alone. “How many single ladies out there are looking for love tonight?” A bunch of mares ‘wooed’ and I kept a straight face.
“Yeah, woo your sorrows away… because there’s more where that came from. Because I know what you all want…” I said as I slowed down my piano playing. “Want, want, want!” I added an extra note at the end as I got further away from the microphone… oh boy, stage fright. I steeled myself before beginning to actually sing ‘Lower Your Expectations’. Because telling people they won’t find love at a wedding is very fitting.
“You want a guy that’s sweet, a guy that’s tough,” remember to breathe while singing, kids. “A feminist that likes to pay for stuff. The type of guy to get along with your friends without being attracted to any of them!” I looked around the room and noticed a bunch of… foals was the right word, right? Well, when the second verse hits, I’ll have to curve a joke in there. Anyways, I got through the first verse without a hitch, and even got a few chuckles.
“Now, you may think this guy only exists in your mind,” god I am such a scumbag, stealing another comedian’s jokes. “Well,” I stopped playing for a second. “Guess what: you’re right!” Everybody laughed at that! I began to sing through the chorus while keeping my eyes on Chrysalis to try and ignore my crippling stage fright. You’re only playing for the cute bug with puppy eyes, Mob.
“Now, it is a really good thing that stallions have zero expectations for mares too… wait, nope, that’s sarcasm, sorry fellas!” Half way through the second verse, I stopped and looked around the crowd. “That is not a joke I should be making around kids. You’ll learn what I’m talking about when you’re older, kids!” Anyways, before I knew it, I was done singing, and everybody was clapping.
Man, it’s a good thing this piano responded to my hooves like they were hands. Chrysalis cheered and began to demand more from me… she’s so fuckin’ supportive that it’s infectious. And that’s not good, since I memorized a couple other songs that Bo Burnham had written by heart. Time to sing ‘Repeat Stuff’! I… can’t wait until this blows up in my face.
Oh look, Rarity is gagging in the corner, likely from the first song. And a few nobles were gagging too. Yes, suffer ponies with soup ladles up their asses! Anyways, Rarity keeled over when I started singing Repeat Stuff. Maybe deep throating the microphone wasn’t such a good idea.
Author's Note
merry christmas, nerds
I Got Swindled by a Horse
Oh. My. Fucking. God. I hate meetings so much.
So you see, shortly after the wedding party and my horrible rendition of Repeat Stuff, everything went nice and smoothly. That’s cool, Chrysalis asked me to dance with her and it turned out that ‘dancing’ involved bending your knees and swinging side to side. It was kinda hard to match the Queen’s speed, or form(since her knees were triple jointed apparently), but we danced. It was especially funny to see Chryssy go from elegant and regal, to going with a straight poker face, and doing the type of dance we were doing. We got a couple looks for our dancing, mostly stink eyes, but we caught some eyes with our dancing.
Oh, and then Chryssy got filled up with love from just being at the wedding, fed her Hive, and came home with a small grin on her face. You see, all of this was cool, since now Chrysalis wanted to cuddle with me after such a stressful day of almost getting hit with a gamma ray, stopping an invasion, almost watching me get trampled, and then feeding her children. So it was a mildly stressful day for Buggy. I was fine with this, since a Changeling’s exoskeleton, while tough, was surprisingly nice to use as a pillow. You could say that Chryssy’’s a cuddle bug.
The problem all started after all of that. My good friend Celly, Mare of the Morn, must’ve noticed how close I was to Queen Chrysalis and assumed I was close with other Changelings. I dunno where she got that assumption, given that I only know their Queen, but whatever. Uh, the problem is, she let me know in a letter that I apparently ‘knew Changelings the best’ and appointed me as an ambassador for them. Oh yeah, there was a meeting to be held shortly after lunch to discuss the integration of Changelings into Equestrian society. Then I never ate anything for lunch because I was stressing out over my new position.
Anyways, I was sitting inside of a meeting room, Chrysalis had been holding me in her arms(I tried to run the first time and this happened), while a couple of Changeling guards glared at me, Chrysalis said they were jealous that she wasn’t hugging them, while I listened to Celestia read the terms and conditions on what looked like a treaty. “And lastly, every Changelings will be treated as citizens of Equestria, and ponies as citizens of the Hive. Any objections?” Did I mention this was the revised treaty? Or the sixth version? This was the first fucking meeting for this shit.
I want a nice, tall can of Bud Light right now. I know, it’s shitty beer, but I just don’t want to be somber for this. Chrysalis patted my head while she gave her seventh counter treaty, which had all the same shit that Celestia’s did, but slightly more in favor for the Hive. I get that politics are hard, but come the fuck on, make your minds up guys! “Isn’t the main fucking problem… is where we’re gonna keep a couple thousand Changelings?” I asked.
Wait, why the fuck am I contributing to this meeting?
“Of course. Most of my drones would like within a certain distance of me at all times. Keeping us all in the same area would be difficult without just making a new town, which would be problematic for us. That would require a lot of hard labor, food imports, or love imports for our magic and to help stave off starvation, and the discussion of where my Hive would get the materials to build homes if we can’t live in a mountain or underground,” Chrysalis pulled out a map of Canterlot. “And I would like to remain close to Canterlot, so I may keep in contact with my current favorite stallion.”
I took the map and rolled it out, blinked a couple times, and flipped it over. “Why are there several layers? Wouldn’t that…” I paused. “Oh right, city on the side of the mountain. This is a layers of the city at different elevations, ain’t it?” Celestia’s brow and nose scrunched up.
“Ain’t is not a word, but yes. Indeed. There is an elevation map which details each layer, while the other side of that map depicts the uppermost layer of the city,” Princess Celestia answered. “Why do you ask?”
“Well, there’s a whole fucking cave system within the mountain that Canterlot’s built off of. None of it is being used according to the map, so why not stick the Hive in there? Don’t
“Fruit Punch is our ambassador, you two. Answer to him as you would to me, do you understand?” She asked. Well, not really, it was more of a demand. Both drones turned to me after nodding to their Queen.
“Well sir, we Changelings can easily live in dark places, and sometimes prefer darker places as it makes sleeping during the day easier,” I blinked a couple times. “Changelings are usually nocturnal, sir. Queen Chrysalis, ourselves, and several infiltrators are exceptions to this. The Queen likely adjusted to your sleep schedule to spend more time with you-“ Chrysalis glared. “I mean, to feed off of you, as do many infiltrators.”
“See? Give the Changelings the cave system in the mountain and let them wander around at their own disclosure. Heck, they can leave Canterlot and go live somewhere else if they want to. From there, they can get jobs for food, or just be around to eat off the love that linger in the air. Like, how useful would it be to not only have your guard on standby, but two thousand Changelings to call upon when Canterlot falls under siege again?” I asked before looking up at Chryssy.
“And you get to continue to sleep in my bed,” I said.
“I like that idea,” Chrysalis said. “Let us write this down, and sign the treaty between our two nations.”
Bro, this is the fifteenth rewrite of this fucking treaty, Chryssy. Like I’m glad we’re getting to the end of this meeting, but fucking christ, don’t make me the ambassador. I slammed my face into the table and was just about to fall asleep when Celestia and Chrysalis finally signed a treaty that they both agreed on, with my suggestions for housing the Changelings and all. “See you for that tea date?” Chrysalis asked.
“Indeed, unless something crops up I have to cancel. I will let Fruit know if I must reschedule. Otherwise, expect me to stop by yours and Fruit’s home…” Princess Celestia said before sticking the treaty into a black suit case, and handing it to a guard. “Put this in the vault and have a copy printed for the museum,” Celestia instructed. The guard nodded and went off to do his job… he looked mildly intelligent, that’s good. I was then dismissed while Chryssy and Celly had a little chat over things.
“So, how has life been since we’ve dated nearly five hundred years-“ okay, yeah, that would explain a lot actually. Well, time to go find that nice, tall glass of beer, and get smashed. Politics already hurt my brain and now I’m a politician for some inexplicable reason. So, in order to make life feel good again, I’m going to drink the problem away! That’s what Uncle Bill did until he got arrested for drunkenly stealing forty thousand dollars from various banks. It’s kinda impressive as to just how much he stole while drunk, really. He’s in jail for about fifty years.
“Hey Fruit!” Oh son of a bitch, so the Purple Girl from yesterday(Twilight Twinkle? I don’t remember), walked up to me with the other colors of the Skittles Rainbow came up behind her. Great, now I want a candy that I can’t have anymore. Fuck you god, I love magical pony land, but you separate me from my one true beloved: Candy that is very unhealthy, but very fruity. “What are you doing in the castle?”
“Oh you know, Sunbutt thought me and Chrysalis being friends meant that I knew Changelings the best. So, I wake up after a fun little wedding reception, and then promptly wake up to a guard nearly smashing my door in. Said letter told me I was now the Ambassador of Changelings, and here I am!” A devious little grin tugged at the corners of my mouth. “Say, if y’all want a nice, dumb guard to sweep you off your hooves, like Shining did to Cadence, there’s a nice one down there.” I pointed to a Royal Guard that had managed to get his spear stuck in the ceiling. Wat?
The ceiling is like, twenty Celestias tall, and you mean to tell me that you got your spear stuck in the ceiling? How stupid can you be, Mr. Stallion I never met.
Anyways the mares rolled their eyes. “Wait, dumb guards? Like Shining? What does that imply?” Twilight asked.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “So, what’s up?”
“Well, we were just going to go explore Canterlot before we head off to Ponyville,” Twilight said. Oh good, ignore and fully dismiss the insult I made on your brother. “You want to join us? I know you live here, but I’m sure there’s something you haven’t discovered yet. I lived here my whole life, until recently, and there are some things I don’t know about Canterlot,” Twilight offered.
“I dunno, I was originally gonna go out and get wasted in a bar somewhere, but this works too.”
Boy was leaving the castle, a huge mistake! As soon as we step off of castle grounds, I get swamped with reporters and separated from Twilight and her friends. Like every other person was asking if I was a Changeling, if I was being mind controlled by ‘that ugly bug queen’, or if I was dating said bug queen. I love attention, it’s why I want to be a comedian, but shit like this makes me want to stab somebody. These ponies were just being so fucking pushy, that I want… fuck it. “Can all you back the fuck up?” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
“Because I am a-” actually, pretending to be a terrorist bug horse would be a bad idea for Changelings. “I’m not the pony you’re looking for! I’m just a Changeling trying to buy the actual Fruit Punch some time, so he doesn’t get harassed by a bunch of pricks looking for a quick buck!” With that, I headbutted my way through the crowd, and eventually found myself just on a street somewhere. Oh, there’s Twilight and her friends. “I hate journalists,” I grumbled as we began to make our way through Canterlot(luckily, without any hitch or reporters). Seriously, why is that a universal thing? Journalists are fucking stupid, annoying and still very intrusive.
Oh look, we’re entering what looks like a little diner that serves alcohol! Everybody ordered stuff that sounded fancy and overly expensive, while I simply ordered a cup of cider and a slice of apple pie. I really don’t want to figured out what the fuck flowers tasted like, because I will probably hate it. I’m a human being that definitely hasn’t eaten a rose off of a bush before, and I am saying that flowers are a real toot. The girls talked to each other while I just stared out the window, and then pulled out my notebook full of jokes… I left my pen at home, are you serious? Well, so much for figuring out some new jokes to tell at the comedy club next week.
“So, this is where you went, Fruit?” a two toned, familiar woman’s voice rang through my ears, and everybody but me shivered. Chrysalis slipped into the little booth, in between me and the orange pony, I think her name was Apple Jack, and was promptly stared at by everybody in the diner. “I must say, I haven’t gone out much, not after the security of Canterlot went up and out the roof, but I think I recognize this diner. I think my memory is hazy when it comes to pony establishments,” Chrysalis wrapped an arm around me. “So, you are the six mares that nearly blasted me to death with the Elements of Harmony, correct?”
“And you’re the one who crashed the wedding,” Twilight almost growled.
“You mean with that invasion that may or may not have been an accident?” I asked. “Like I already said why the invasion happened, and Chryssy couldn’t tell her drones ‘no.’ So like, she didn’t mean to crash the fucking thing. All that she did at the wedding, that her drones didn’t do, was keep me from getting trampled by Celestia, and nearly get zapped by a sun beam,” Chrysalis shuttered at the thought. “That wouldn’t have been the first time I got zapped by Tia.”
“I know, you two used to date… don’t tell me you enjoyed getting zapped.” Chrysalis grinned at me, and I facepalmed(facehoof?). “Alright, good to know that about you, since the press seems to think we’re dating-” before I could continue, Chrysalis kissed me on the cheek, which earned a gag from everybody but the yellow pegasus(Fluttershy I think). A camera flash blinded me, but I could make out a silhouette of somebody running away with a camera on them.
“Well, let the rumors spread then. I would like them to be more than just rumors, after all.”
“Chryssy, I don’t swing towards horse bugs… or horses”
“I know, so you will be reserved for the ‘Favorite Stallion’ list,” Chrysalis chuckled. “I think you’re glad that I decided to go with the treaty that you helped make after the eightieth remake of it,” she remarked. “So I accepted the terms, since they were actually good and provided homes for my Hive, then sent you on your way. I could sense how much you hated that meeting, aside from the crack you left in the table with your face,” Chrysalis adopted a sly grin. “If only you’d hit me like that-”
“Chryssy, there is a filly and colt not even two tables away from us.”
“They have to learn about the Bugs and the Flowers eventually.”
I groaned, and downed the whole cup of cider. God dammit Chryssy,
“Speaking of which, ambassador, I believe I shall assemble two guards for your well being.” With that, two drones, who I don’t think I’ve met, appeared out of nowhere and saluted me. “This is Skitter and Scatter, two of my Hive’s finest guards, and they will be looking after you whenever you go out without me,” Chrysalis said. “And if they cause you trouble, let me know, and I will swap them out for another set of guards.” I hopped out of my seat and began to expect my two guards, mostly so I wouldn’t mistake one for the other. Skitter had rounder ears, shorter fangs, and bigger eyes than Scatter, and their leg holes were in different locations from one or the other. “Are they to your liking?”
“Why do I need a guard? I’m some chump who’s going to school for a degree in comedy, Chryssy. Who the heck would want to kill me? Or need well trained assassins to kill me?” I asked.
“You would be surprised, Fruit.”
“You’re just scared that I’ll get trampled by another alicorn that is as tall as you,” I said.
“I am not, this is merely a safety precaution for my ambassador,” Chrysalis lied. I could see her pupils drift to the corner of her eyes, and her voice went up a slight note at the same time. Well, if it makes Chryssy feel better, then I’ll go along with this shit. Who knows? It might be good for Changeling PR, to make it seem like they can care about somebody other than themselves… I think.
“So, I’m assuming I’m gonna be keeping these guys when I run a little pizza stand tomorrow, right?” I asked. Chrysalis nodded. “Well, Skitter, Skatter, I look forward to seeing y’all around. I got a cool mission for both of you when we get home,” I said. Both Changelings perked up like little puppies when I said that. “Wow, you guys are really eager to do something, huh?”
“We just like being put on missions sir; serving you would be like serving our Queen directly,” Skitter said.
“Well, when we get home, I’m going to run a taste test with various pizzas and toppings, I’m gonna need you two to give me a bigger sample size on opinions.”
“Oh! Can I come along?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Don’t you have to catch a train in a few hours?”
“Pfft, I can fly back to Ponyville when I’m done taste testing,” she said.
“Alright then.” I turned my head to see Chrysalis staring at me with wide, adorable, puppy eyes.
“Yes, you can help out too, Chryssy.”
Both drones whispered to each other about how I just called Chrysalis by a nickname and didn’t immediately die. If it weren’t for the fact that their queen was sitting right in front of them, I could safely assume that they would be giggling like school girls. Changelings drones can probably sense emotions like Chrysalis can, and probably sense some love radiating off of her, which would make some sense. She did admit that she’d want me to be her boyfriend, so it’s safe to assume she is leaking with love right now.
If Changelings can feed off of other Changelings for love, then Chryssy was a walking buffet right now.
“Oh right!” Twilight pulled out a notebook out of nowhere.
“I was hoping, Queen Chrysalis, if you would be willing to come down, with an extra drone, to Ponyville so I can ask some questions. Your kind is kind of shrouded in mystery and it would be amazing if I could get some facts written down, and potentially turned into a book on you guys,” she didn’t phrase that like a question at all, and seemed way too eager to start writing some shit down about Chrysalis. “And since you’re the most knowledgeable on Changelings, you can help confirm whatever she says,” Twilight said, addressing me.
Bro, what the fuck?
“I don’t know shit dude, I cuddled with Chrysalis, know a few things about how her magic works, and whatever. Just because Chryssy likes to use me as a teddy bear, doesn’t mean I am an expert on Changelings.”
“But you do know more than anypony at the moment,” Twilight said. And… I can tell she was going to insist that I come down to Ponyville to ‘help’ with Changeling research until I said yes. Celestia taught this bitch, right? If so, then I really hope that Celestia isn’t as insistent- wait, nevermind, she insisted that I help her and Chrysalis make a treaty for Equestria and the Hive for at least thirty minutes before the meeting this morning…
The student is like their teacher, I guess.
Wait, I’m currently a politician(appointed by Sunny) without a paycheck… Celestia just fucking swindled me.
My Bug Horse Guards are Awesome
“Breaking News! The Crystal Empire is back! Six mares defeat an ancient evil once more!”
Well, that’s an interesting thing to read once you receive the newspaper for this week. Apparently there’s just some ancient empire, which is a protectorate of Equestria, that’s been sealed away for a thousand years. Oh, and it was ruled by Satan. Wasn’t I supposed to go to Ponyville with Chrysalis so Twilight can dissect us, or whatever? Good thing I’ve not got to pack anything, or buy train tickets. For some reason, every Princess has their own train system, a couple chariots, and were willing to let me and Chrysalis use either depending on which we would prefer. Right now however…
“Skitter, no,” I said, stomping my hoof on the ground. This cannot be happening. When Chrysalis assigned me these guards, I never expected them to turn on me like this. How could they think that this was acceptable? It’s not! What the fuck, Chryssy?
“But… why not? Surely this would be a good combination of flavors,” my guard said.
“Skitter, you’re telling me to put pineapple on pizza,” I said before taking said pineapple and sticking it back on the counter, as far from the drone as possible. “Putting pineapple on pizza is like you telling Queen Chrysalis fat. I would go straight to hell for baking pineapple pizza, and you’d be zapped into a pile of ashes for calling the Queen fat.”
“No I wouldn’t, Queen Chrysalis is actually very gentle in her handling of us… but she would get pretty mad if I called her ugly. Why would pineapple be bad anyways? Surely the sauce on the pizza would go well with the taste of pineapple,” Skitter grabbed a pineapple, his hoof quickly turned into a knife(that’s pretty cool, not gonna lie), and quickly diced it up into small pieces. “I want to try it, and I’m sure ponies would enjoy the taste of fruit on their pizza.”
“Cooked fruit is a mistake, Skitter. Apple pie, banana chips, putting pineapple on a pizza before baking it, all of that is a mistake. Like you’re pretty much ruining the nice, fresh taste that says… an apple is supposed to have, while still making sure it tastes like an apple. An apple should only be enjoyed fresh, not inside of a pie. Same with pineapple. I love me some pineapple, but I am not baking that shit into the crust of my pizza-“ Skitter sprinkled some pineapple onto the pizza and stuck it in the oven before I could finish my rant.
(Somewhere in the distance, an orange mare’s ear twitched. Her eyes twitched soon afterwards)
“You’re fired,” I said. Skitter began to look genuinely scared about that. Oh right, Changelings stick to their duties and love said duties. I jokingly fired Scatter a week ago, and she looked ready to go hang herself. Luckily, Scatter is simply sleeping and not hanging from a noose, as I only ‘need’ one guard inside of my own home. As for where Chrysalis is currently, she’s helping her Hive get settled into the cavern system I suggested she and her Hive could move into.
In turn, Skitter and Scatter moved in, and managed to make a little fort under my bed, and seem to actually enjoy how cramped it is under there. Changelings are just built differently apparently, since they crawl under and out from under the bed, and snap up like they slept on the comfiest mattress on the planet. Meanwhile, I am paralyzed for five seconds if I stub my hoof against the table while getting up from my seat. Oh right, Skitter.
“You’re not actually fired. I’m mostly just joking around with you and Scatter. We’re technically roommates now, and this is what me and my roommate used to do… up until he got arrested for murder, which he was very guilty for, so you know.” I wrapped an arm around my guard, who freezes up at the touch. “You and Scatter need to lighten up, I’m a comedian, not an ambassador; I tell jokes. Chrysalis just thinks you two need to babysit me, or I’ll accidentally melt into a puddle.
“Now, make sure that timer is set to the right time and tell me how you like your pineapple pizza. I’m actually kinda curious what you’ll think of that, and if I’ve finally acquired a taste for pineapple on pizza,” I instructed. So, I spent the last week or so, just teaching my Changelings how to cook pizza. I told them about my idea of starting a pizza business after they’ve taste tested for me, and they wanted to help.
I offered to pay them, but they declined… I don’t want to do slavery, so I asked what they would want if they had money. It turns out that they’re perfectly happy with being able to just absorb ambient love while selling pizza, so that’s pretty cool. These guys are awesome by the way, learning the most efficient sauce to sauce coverage ratio in a week, and overall, were faster than me at making pizza. I swear, Changelings are amazing. They can transform, change their limbs into whatever tools they need, and can systematically learn how to do something as efficiently as possible.
Also, occasionally Scatter would ask for cuddles to fuel her magic up; she was huge on cuddles. Skitter, not being as heavily reliant on magic, says he only needs ambient love from the ponies who pass by outside. I guess that’s why I like Skitter so much, since he’s like me in a way. We both can use magic, but have a preference of not relying on it. By the way, I learnt that hooves on Changeling neck makes Changeling puddy. What? I have two Changelings, I might as well experiment with them.
Skitter was willing to participate a seventh time after he received a neck rub.
Was being cuddly just a thing with Changelings? They can gather a lot of love through it, according to Chrysalis, so that might explain their love for cuddles on an instinctual level. Meanwhile, some Changelings could just want to be held more than others, and then their instincts help fuel their desire for being cuddle bugs. I’m not complaining, but it’s just an interesting thing…
Fuck, I’m actually gonna be kinda useful when I visit Ponyville. I know that Changelings instinctively like to cuddle, and that’s an extra thing I know that ponies don’t know.
Oh the timer went off and… Skitter was immediately at the over, quickly getting the pizza out, and then set it on the table. “Remember-“
“Yes, wait exactly two minutes, five seconds, and 500 milliseconds before I eat the pizza. That way, I won’t burn myself on it.”
“Of course you’d figured out an exact time you should wait before eating a freshly cooked pizza.”
“Of course, we need to when you open up the pizza stand you mentioned… when do you plan on doing that?” The Changeling asked.
“Probably after we visit Ponyville. We still need to acquire a portable oven before we can even begin to plan anything like the name, or what types of pizza we’ll be selling,” I shrugged. “And luckily, running a cart is way cheaper than owning a restaurant. We gotta find out a budget, what price we should sell pizzas for, and even then we don’t have a budget.”
“Can I do it?” Scatter asked from under the bed.
“Depends, how good are you at math?”
“Ask me a math problem that you’d find hard, sir.”
Without any hesitation, Scatter answered, “What is seventy times five, divided by two.”
“175.” Damn, spot on, buggy.
“Okay… I guess I can let you work out the finances of running a business…” I could hear Scatter clap as she squealed from under the bed. Even if it was a tiny bit muffled because she had food in her mouth. I paused for a second, before taking another shot at these bugs. “Alrighty, are you sure you two don’t want to get paid in bits once the stand is, y’know, a thing?”
“We’re just happy to be helping you. We don’t really need bits for food, since we can easily live off of love. We only eat food if love isn’t enough, or if we just really want to eat a sandwich, sir,” Skitter said.
“What about using bits on things you can do in your free time? I’m sure you’d like puzzles, or whatever.”
“Well, we Changelings do like crossword puzzles, word searches, and word jumbles. I personally really enjoy word searches, while the Queen really likes crossword puzzles,” Skitter said.
“I’ll pay you bits, and then you can go buy books filled with those puzzles,” I said.
“Okay sir. But about Chrysalis and her crossword puzzles-“
“You think me and Chryssy can be a couple, don’t you?”
“Well, you’re the only pony that we know of that can call Chrysalis ‘Chryssy’ without immediately getting their neck broken. You two would be a cute couple, and it would be nice for the Hive as a whole to see Chrysalis genuinely happy and in love again…” Skitter shrugged before cutting out of his pizza. Immediately, Scatter came crawling out, swiped a piece, and swallowed it whole. Her eyes went wide, magicked up a paper plate, and stole another couple slices before retreating to under the bed. “It could also just be nice to give her on Hearth's Warming Day.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. So how’s the pizza?”
Skitter smiled like an idiot. “It’s good sir.”
I took a bite and felt repulsed… the slight sliminess that the pineapple had did not mix well with marinara sauce. I went over to the ice box, grabbed a random drink out of it, and emptied it in two seconds. “Okay, the pizza itself is good, Skitter, great job. I just fucking hate pineapple on pizza.”
“I know sir, it’s why I got you to eat some. The look on your face was hilarious,” Skitter said. Scatter, who was still under the bed, had watched the whole thing and there was a twinkle of amusement in those big, blue eyes that seemed nice and lifeless on the surface. Changeling eyes are very expressive once you spend enough time around the bugs. Skitter then transformed into me, and did the face I assume I made after I tasted the demon pizza.
“Okay… rude,” I said before both me and Skitter started laughing. Skatter was giggling under the bed, before she came crawling out, and stole the rest of the pizza while Skitter and I were wiping the tears out of our eyes. Skitter steeled himself and blinked a couple of times. “And ponies are scared of you Changelings.”
“Well, we did have a tendency to foalnap ponies. Ponies tend to not enjoy being foalnapped and getting the love sucked out of them.”
“Okay, yeah, that would be a genuine reason not to like you guys. Maybe I’m just a weirdo, but you never know. I just find you and Scatter to be pretty cool, and Chrysalis is also pretty cool.”
“And pretty,” Scatter said from under her bed fortress. Hmm, nah, I’ll leave that for somebody else to look into.
Later that day, I put my beanie on, and made my way to the door. Neither Skitter or Scatter were in sight, which didn’t bug me that much, since they were probably keeping an eye on me. If they weren’t, then that’s also cool, since I’m not the biggest fan of having guards at all times; I just want to enjoy being an idiot without anybody to watch me be an idiot. Anywho, I was heading down to the Canterlot Royal Library to hopefully learn the intricacies of Equestrian law, since I’m an ambassador now and I need to know laws. Since that would be really helpful when trying to negotiate terms for Changelings. I may hate being an ambassador, but I might as well do a good job at being one, right?
It would be doing a disservice to Changelings, since I consider three of them to be my friends, if I were to half ass my job.
The moon was at its apex in the sky, but that wasn’t very telling of the time, since apparently it always sits there after Luna raises it. Anyways, I stated my business to a couple of guards, got allowed in after I showed them a signed document from Princess Celestia herself, and one of them actually led me down to the library. I may say a lot of mean things about the guards, but they are actually very willing(and happy) to help. Now, stopping the second coming of the antichrist? They probably can’t do that. Lead a dumbass to a library so he can read a book he won’t understand? They can do that extremely well. Apparently some stallion that can barely walk can knock them out really easily, but we’ll just pretend like these guys won’t get their asses handed to them in a fight.
The first thing I noticed when I walked into the library was just how fucking fancy the thing wasn’t. Yes, it was nicer than any public library I’ve been into, but it just looked like a really nice school library, but even bigger. The shelves were cleaned, there was no dust anywhere, books of any genre were organized nicely. It was… a library, truly an excellent observation I know. I set my saddle bag on a table, which surprised me. There were tons of tables in here, but I don’t think just anybody would be allowed to be within these walls without permission. I’m an alien, an ambassador, and I still needed a Princess’s approval just to walk in here without being denied!
Anywho, I walked over to the law section, grabbed a couple of books which were about the basics of laws and geopolitics on Equus, and moved back to my seat. The books were… actually interesting which is a shocker since they looked like textbooks. The law book explained the basic laws on Equestria, some more advanced ones, and even a couple of obscure ones in great detail. Apparently, if you boop a princess on the nose, you have to marry them or they stop being a princess. Good thing nobody’s ever done that before. And that will totally not be abused if anybody finds out about this law. It also explained each law in a real life situation, which for once, was actually accurate. None of those dumb math questions that went:
If Billy buys seventy apples, eats two, and gets six more, how many apples does he have?
Like Billy, if you can’t solve that shit on your own without my help, then you need to go back to school. It’s fucking seventy-four apples, you dunce. Why the fuck do you even have seventy apples? What single person could need that many apples? You stupid little-
Okay, I might hate math, mostly ‘real life math problems’ a lot. Thank god for Scatter, am I right? Maybe if I ever find a way back home, then I’ll steal Scatter to help me with college level trigonometry. Because that’s what every comedian needs, trigonometry to tell jokes. I chuckled to myself at how dumb that was as I began to scan through the other book. The first book was relatively thin given the contents of the book, but this one was slightly thicker. Thankfully all I needed was the basics of how Equestria was doing with other nations… and low and behold, the country run by two goddesses was on good terms with just about every country in the world. From centars, zebras, horses, cows, fucking griffins, Equestria was on good terms with them. Nothing about humans, and apparently the last nation, the Sasquatches, went extinct after trying to wipe out a whole village in Equestria.
Note to self; do not tell the USA of this place, we will lose even if we’ve got nukes.
Another cool thing to note, is that apparently Equestrian females just outnumber males, for whatever fucking reason. Whatever that implies, I don’t want to know. I assume that means that mares are likely to date other mares, and many mares might share a singular stallion. Harems, can’t wait to get one, and promptly put a bullet in my head. I just… I don't feel like doing that. Even if it’s normal, if I ever fall in love with a horse, I’m going to stick to that one horse, since what’s the point of a relationship if you can’t give it one hundred percent? Can’t give that if you’re splitting it between two people.
“Ah, so that is why you aren’t asleep,” I jumped, and didn’t go ‘EEP!’ when I heard somebody behind me, and that somebody peeked over my shoulder to see what I’m reading.
“Sir are you- nevermind,” Skitter and Scatter, where ever the fuck they were, promptly went back to whereever the fuck they were hiding.
“Luna! How the fuck… oh wait, dream walker, that makes sense now.” I took a deep breath while Luna took a chair within her magic, and settled it next to me.
“So, why are you reading about Equestria’s male to female ratio and what it implies?” Luna asked.
“I’m not gonna lie, I got distracted while reading up on Equestrian law. This is something I shoulda done awhile ago, but all I had access to was a book on pony body language.” I grabbed a book with the title ‘Daring Do’ and promptly hid it underneath one of the law books on the table. “I got some serious work done; I’ll forget what the fuck I just read in a week,” I said before chuckling. “Or I’ll remember it all a decade from now, when I might not even be in this universe anymore. It really just depends on how much medicine I take on any given day.”
“Well, on the bright side, I know you are getting work done.” Luna then took the Daring Do book out from under the law book, and opened it up. “You’ve read through half of this book already? You’re at the climax according to this,” she pulled a ruler out from the book. “That… is rather impressive, given that I didn’t think you could read very fast,” she said. She stuck the ruler back in the book where I left off and turned to the start of the book.
“I woulda read the whole thing, but I got bored of it. It’s just kinda… eh? Like it’s a fun read, but I like some more meat to what I’m reading. If it's an adventure book, I want a villain who seems more dangerous than Dr. Doofenshmirtz. I want a villain that’ll stick, like Darth Vader! So I kinda just stopped reading it, because I’ll more than likely be disappointed in the ending.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Well, that is a first. A pony who didn’t immediately fall in love with the Daring Do series… but who is Darth Vader?” I chuckled.
(Off in the distance, a rainbow-maned mare’s eye twitched. She felt an unyielding need to punch a pony)
“Just the greatest villain in all of storytelling,” I whipped out a Star Wars book, which I still had for some reason. “And probably a bit gruesome, he does break a guy’s neck within like… the first five minutes of him being introduced.”
“That is a bit violent,” Princess Luna took the book and began to read it. About an hour or so later, she was done reading it, and she looked up at me. “Why does this story set itself up for a sequel?” She slammed the book down and began to peer into my soul. She looked ready to skin me alive for an answer.
“Because there’s two sequels for this book… I uh, don’t really have access to the other two books at the moment. It’s a miracle that I had that book in my butt pocket to begin with.” Both of our stomachs began to growl.
“Don’t worry about getting food, sir,” Skitter and Scatter walked in with a pineapple pizza…
“God dammit Skitter, you had one job, and you fuck-” Skitter then magicked in a plain, cheese pizza. “Nevermind, you’re getting a raise!” Why the fuck are my guards so cool?
Author's Note
Went and did a couple edits. mostly a typo I missed during the editing and proofreading phase. Also added one sentence, mostly to add to a funny idea I’ve got in mind for next chapter.
How I Saved a Whole Town with a Brick
Okay, so, maybe riding in the chariot was a bad idea. A train would’ve taken a full day to reach Ponyville while going at full speed, ignoring the gradual descent down Canterlot Mountain, which made it take even longer, or anything like train delays, random bear attacks(how would a bear stop a train?), or anything like that. So me and Chryssy decided to take a chariot, while Skitter and Skatter flew alongside the chariot. The guards carrying the thing, which I’ll admit is impressive, had to curve their speed so the slower Changelings could keep up, but we were still going pretty fast. Like ninety miles an hour fast. I think I was probably lowballing it, since we we’re probably going faster.
Anyhow, I’m sitting, wrapped in Chrysalis’s forelegs, with a brown bag in my hooves. It was empty, but boy was I about to need it. This was my sixth bag, and it hasn’t even been an hour yet… and Ponyville was actually really close, what the fuck? “Urgh…” I felt my breakfast, not my lunch(that already fought its way out of my stomach), try to beat my esophagus into a bloody pulp as I puked in my mouth. Thank god that I managed to swallow it, but now there was a horrible, acidic, eggy taste in my mouth that made me want to throw up. Chrysalis then magicked up a water bottle in a sippy cup(smart) and held it up to my mouth.
“Open wide,” Chrysalis said. As soon as my mouth was open, Chrysalis put the magicked the sippy cup to my mouth, and I emptied the thing pretty quickly. Okay, I no longer want to puke, but any longer in the air will make me puke. “Can you please find a place to land as soon as possible? My ambassador is going to lose last night’s dinner at this rate, and I’m concerned for his health,” the Queen said with a bit of edge in her voice. Chryssy then magicked up a weird pill-like thing and held it up to my mouth. “Swallow this, it should help with your motion sickness…” I complied and holy shit, I feel so much better!
That feeling of ‘I will throw up on everything and everyone you love’ is gone, and I can only feel slightly dizzy. “I could’ve taken a magic pill the whole time?” I asked.
“Yes, but I might have forgotten that magical pills are a thing. It’s a bit rare that I have to use this type of magic, so I might not have remembered it straight away,” Chrysalis yawned. “And Changeling magic isn’t nearly as potent when it comes to medical magic, so it would have worn off in ten minutes. This is just so you don’t throw up as soon as we touch the ground in Ponyville.” Chrysalis then took the disguise of a unicorn, the same one she used at the wedding, and then put on a sun hat as soon as we touched the ground. Skitter and Scatter followed suit, but Skitter took on the form of an earth pony, while Scatter opted for being a unicorn. I followed Chrysalis off of the chariots while making sure to thank the pegasi that carried us.
Be nice to the underpaid meat shield.
“Why the heck are you three disguised?” I asked.
“It felt… natural to do, just being out and about while undisguised feels… wrong,” Chrysalis shivered. “Think of it as… say you might be a species that heavily relies on clothing to cover up your body.” Ah, that makes sense now.
“You feel naked without a disguise, but you went through the rest of Cadence’s wedding reception without a disguise.”
“I was engrossed with your musical performances…” She planted a kiss on my forehead, which surprised me since she was walking beside me, and not facing me. “Your voice is quite lovely by the way. It could use some work, which I can provide if you’d like,” Chrysalis said with a small smile on her face. Now, on one hand, I could sing better with the help of Chryssy, and perform ‘Lower Your Expectations’ at an opera level because it would be funny, but that really wasn’t what I wanted to be in life; just some guy that sings somebody else’s song. Eh, why the fuck not? What’s the point in having a talent for something if you don’t nurture it?”
“Well, it can’t hurt to try, now can it?” I asked.
“We will begin lessons as soon as I am able. I still have a few things I must discuss with the Princesses, meetings, and everything under the sun. I’m still waiting for Sunbutt to announce our kingdom uniting, and how the Hive is now a protectorate of Equestria,” Chrysalis hummed. “I suppose we can begin tonight, but the best way is to have you practice in private. You have… a surprising amount of stage fright given what you want to be, and your cutie mark,” she patted me on the back.
“Oh, I can handle an audience for a while. Sure, I’ll have anxiety the whole time, but acting school is really good for hiding that, and my acting isn’t… too shabby if I say so myself.”
“Bottling up anxiety is unhealthy, Fruit Punch.”
“Yeah, I know. Bo Burnham started having panic attacks on stage because of his anxiety and feeling of needing to one up himself,” I shrugged. “Whatever, if it starts becoming a problem, you can drag me away somewhere, and pat me on the back like a baby. You already do that with Scatter whenever she isn’t on duty,” I said.
“Scatter likes cuddles! Who am I to deny my drones from my affection? I am their mother, after all.”
“Fair enough. How the fuck do you make time for every ‘ling?”
“I have a queue system. I take a couple of hours out of a day interacting with each drone one on one, and then eventually get through each Changeling in two weeks. Then the queue resets and I repeat the process. I wish I could do it all the time, but being a queen has its responsibilities, such as securing the future for the Hive. Which is why I was so willing to keep the Hive as a protectorate; food will be very stable for my drones should they want it after having their fill of love, which will also come very easily.”
Oh hey, a hooded bitch just zapped a stalllion and knocked him the fuck out. “Come one, come all! Test your magical might against I! If you win, you get a special prize!” She screamed. Jesus, that sounded… why the fuck was she looking at me and Chrysalis? “Oh? Two more unicorns I have not faced off against, yet? Come! The Great and Powerful Trixie will show you what she is made of!” Chrysalis snapped her eyes onto my guards.
“Get yourselves and Fruit Punch out of here. Something is wrong with that mare,” Chrysalis pushed me with her forehoof. “I sense… something dark. Get the hell out of here, Fruit!”
“Hold on a second,” I looked at Skitter and Scatter. “You guys can go run off, I wanna see Chrysalis kick this bitch’s ass.”
“But the Queen-” Scatter quickly ducked under a magical blast, which made Chrysalis snarl with rage. She magicked up her drones and moved them far, far from the fight that was about to happen. “Fruit, take cover. I want to show this mare why she does not attack my children,” growled. Okay, don’t mess with an angry bug horse. I complied and took several gallops away from the magical duel that was going to take place. Chrysalis brought up a shield when another magical blast, which cracked a slight bit. The sheer force of the magical blast sent the Changeling’s hat flying into the distance.
I could see the sweat drop on Chrysalis’s brow as she struggled to block another blast. Holy fuck, this mare must’ve been strong! One more blast fired and shattered Chrysalis’s shield, but the Queen teleported at the very last second, and her disguise faded. She panted, and tried to summon something that would’ve been her own magical assault, only for her horn to short out. It broke my heart to see my friend so… destroyed.
“Aw! The great Changeling Queen stands no chance against the Great and Powerful Trixie!” WIth that, I watched in horror as my friend got rag dolled like it was nothing, being far too drained to even fight back against the magical grip that this Trixie had on her. The Queen came crashing down beside me and I didn’t hesitate in trying to see if she was alright.
There wasn’t any physical damage that I could immediately see, but Chrysalis was knocked out cold. I closed my eyes and let out an angry snort. I hugged my friend before turning to face the ‘Great and Powerful’ Trixie. Alright, I’m going to get my ass handed to me, but I’m pissed the fuck off. I am tempted to do something very illegal.
When humans get pissed, we get violent, and I’m going to throttle this horse even if I don’t have hands. I stepped forward, glaring at the ‘Great’ and ‘Powerful’ Trixie. “Hey bitch,” I said, while trying to look as calm as possible. The hooded mare turned to face me(she was about to harass some bastard), and I caught a glimpse of the woman’s eyes. “You suck shit at magic! I bet you lied about how powerful you are just to impress people!” I stumbled out of the way of a magical blast and laughed. I made sure to get closer to a nearby bush. “Learn how to aim, dumbass!” I stumbled out of the way of another magical blast. I looked up and stumbled out of the way of an overhead magical blast that made dust and debris shoot up.
You fucked up, horse.
I snuck into the bush, and balled myself up. “The fool would rather flee than face Trixie head on!” Trixie then went on to harass a couple other unicorns, including Rarity with a brown dress. Wow, this lady is blind… wait, nevermind, having a boring, brown coat is actually kinda useful? Trixie wandered close to my bush when she stopped.
“Quit harassing my friends, Trixie!” a familiar… It was Twilight. Trixie then removed her hood, with, and revealed a cream colored mane, which curled slightly in front of her face. Her eyes were kinda tealish. That’s really all I can get while most of my vision is covered up by bush leaves, leave me alone. Trixie then made a magical window type of thing, showing what was apparently her life after she and Twilight had last met. Wow, what a petty bitch. You lie with solid proof that you lied, get exposed, and you then proceed to make your whole life’s goal to ruin the bitch that exposed you?
What a cunt.
“And now, Trixie has come to defeat you, Twilight! Either accept my challenge, or run like the coward you are!”
Trixie shut up already. I crawled out from my bush and grabbed a brick, and crawled back in. Trixie took another step closer to my bush, without noticing that I had crawled back in it somehow. I heard something huge get yanked out of the ground and eventually I heard Twilight agree. Now was the time to strike. You see, I could jump out while shouting, because ambushing people while using a battle cry is a really cool thing. It’s cool but also defeats the point of an ambush. Instead, I crawled out of my bush to see Trixie hurl some rocks at Twilight, which the purple unicorn easily blocked. Without missing a beat, I clobbered Trixie over the head with a brick and knocked her out.
Or I would've if I didn’t trip on another bush and managed to ram my whole body into the back of Trixie’s neck. the unicorn grunted as I tumbled over her head, which might have also helped in knocking her out, and rolled onto my hooves before stumbling a bit. Wow, that was cool, even if I… why am I good at kicking ass when I’m a clumsy dumbass?
“Get fucked, pussy!” I cheered. What? I might as well pretend that I did what I did on purpose. I tossed my brick off to the side. A green, acidic magic grabbed the necklace that I just now noticed that she was wearing. Chrysalis, standing as tall and as regal as ever, even if she was slightly hunched over, glared at the unconscious unicorn as she snatched the necklace. The Queen gave me a small smile, while everybody else just looked at me with some degree of shock.
“What? Did it not occur to you guys that you could… just sneak up on the bitch and body slam the shithead?” With that, I wandered back over to the brick and put it into my backpack(they were called saddle bags, but I don’t care. I don’t wear saddles; nobody will ride me anytime soon). I’m naming this brick when I get home.
It will be a really good pet rock.
“Uh… nope,” one of the ponies in the crowd said.
Chrysalis stuck the necklace into some black box, before banishing it. “Well, I will admit, that was a clever tactic, Fruit,” she then gave me a toothy grin. “By the way, I heard you stressing over me when I got ‘knocked out’. It was adorable!” I blinked a couple times. “What? A Queen must know when to surrender and wait for her comrades to aid her.” She laughed. “I’m a better actor than you thought!” She was then cringed as she raised a hoof. Okay, she was actually hurt.
”I was banking on Twilight Sparkle, a very skilled magic wielder, to beat this mare,” Chrysalis then magicked up chains and locked them onto Trixie’s unconscious body. “But I suppose a clumsy monkey with a rock also works.” Soon afterwards, Skitter and Skatter took Trixie and dragged her away.
“What do you mean by ‘monkey?’” Twilight asked.
“Ask Celly, Fruit Punch is busy,” I said as I trotted over to Chrysalis, who was keeping her weight off the ground. “So, you were just acting when you got knocked out, right?” I asked.
“Okay, I might have been knocked out for a few moments. My carapace,” I noticed it was slightly cracked. “Took some damage, but it’s not broken. I know my leg has something wrong with it, and my magic is drained to the point where even performing levitation and summoning that black box was a struggle. Nothing some love won’t be able to fix, so I’m not too concerned about myself.”
Both Skitter and Skatter appeared out of nowhere, saluted Chrysalis, and glared at me. “The unicorn was put in the town’s local jail and will remain there for exactly two weeks from now, Queen-'' Skitter grunted as he and Scatter were scooped up by their mother. “Your highness, I thought-“
“I don’t care if we are in public, Skatter almost got her head taken off, and you would’ve been next if she found out you were a Changeling,” Chrysalis sat on her haunches, keeping both drones in a tight hug, before letting them go. “Now go.” Chrysalis handed them both a small bag of bits, where she kept it, I dunno. “Go treat yourselves to a day in a local spa.” Chrysalis then poofed a map into existence. “I marked the locations out for you, but if you just use those bits to buy choclate, then I don’t mind.”
“Chryssy, stop using magic, you’re already drained as is.”
“Fine, Nurse Fruit Punch. Should I open my mouth while you stick a thermometer in my mouth?” I simply shook my head, and took position next to the side that Chrysalis’s injured leg is on.
“C’mon buggy, let's get a hotel, and then you can drain me of love to heal yourself,” I said.
“And why are you trying to act like a crutch? I have three other legs and a pair of wings, Fruit.”
“Oh right… I was just trying to help ya, Chryssy, since you did get your butt handed to you-“
“By a magically enhanced unicorn, a unicorn that was dumb enough to drabble in dark magic,” Chrysalis smiled and started to lean on me as we walked along. “I do appreciate your offer by the way.” Twilight the took the time, not to check on her friends, but to walk beside us.
“But wait! What about the questions you said you’d answer?” Twilight asked.
“You’ll get to pick our brains after my best friend doesn’t look like she just got out of a fight. Fuckin’ hell, lady, check on your friends! Didn’t Trixie harass them a bunch?” I asked. Twilight’s mouth made an ‘O’ shape as the mare nodded, and went to go check on her friends. You know, like a friend should do on nigh instinct. So anyways, now me and Chrysalis are alone.
“I will admit, watching you body slam the Great and Powerful Trixie was kinda hot,” I snorted.
Author's Note
So, I had this idea a while ago(and after some quick googling to refresh when the magical duel happened), and knew I had to do it.
Since I figured ‘what is really stopping somebody from just beating a strong unicorn in the back of the head with a blunt object’.
Anyways, I hope this chapter didn’t suck.
What the Fuck is a Cutie Mark?
Oh my god, this purple unicorn does not stop asking questions. Twilight, in all her glory, has asked me most of the questions in regards to Changelings, for some reason. Like, lady, there are two drones and a Queen. Why are you asking a guy that hangs out with said drones and Queen the questions? Sure, I might know a few things, but I’m not an expert.
I’m the Queen’s teddy bear, not an expert, Sparkle Butt.
“So, can Changelings eat flowers? I know they mostly prefer a meat and love base diet, but can they stomach flowers?” Twilight asked.
Scatter was currently gnawing on a rock(and actually eating bits of it). Skitter was just sitting around while looking bored out of his mind, while Chrysalis tried to look polite, but I could tell that she wanted to leave as soon as possible. When we signed up to answer a few questions, we probably weren’t expecting a million question long questionare.
I gestured a horn to Scatter. “Changelings can clearly stomach anything if there’s one, in the same room as you, eating fucking a rock,” my neck finally gave out as my head slammed against the table. “Are we done yet? It’s almost lunch and I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast. Yesterday's breakfast. And I kinda threw up on the way here.”
A little, purple dragon then walked into the room carrying five trays of food. Well, that problem is solved, and the food actually looks pretty good. On the bright side, free food, but on the other side of things, now we didn’t have a reason to stop. Chrysalis eyed her sandwich, which looked like a daisy sandwich before swallowing it whole, while Scatter opted to keep eating her rock. Skitter started munching on his sandwich with zero complaints.
Then again, Skitter liked pineapple on pizza, so his tastes are invalid.
“I suppose we can have a little break,” Twilight pointed a hoof at Chrysalis. “Wasn’t your carapace cracked yesterday? How did you heal so quickly?” the mare asked.
“Changeling Queens are like alicorns; we are hard to injure, let alone kill. On top of that, Changelings have a healing factor that uses love as the fuel for it. I was quite drained of magic, and by extension, love, after fending off the power of an Alicorn Amulet powered unicorn, so I couldn’t quickly heal like I wanted to.” I was then grabbed up in the Queen’s magic, and levitated into her embrace. With that, Twilight began to write what Chryssy said like it was gospel.
“Luckily, I have a stallion to fuel me up on love, so I healed over the night after our love session,” Chrysalis smirked and I knew what she was playing at.
“In other words, I got to ride Chrysalis in bed. It was pretty cool-“ my mouth was shut by a pink glow. Good thing that purple dragon was in another room, since I think he was like, twelve or something. Chrysalis’s horn glowed its usual acid green, and my muzzle was freed from Twilight’s grasp. “Last night was really fun, by the way. Skitter and Skatter even joined in.”
“Well sir, it would be wrong to not join in,” Skatter said. She bit a whole chunk out of her rock, chewed it up really quickly, and swallowed it. What the actual fuck, Scatter?
“We’re talking about cuddling, by the way. No orgies. I don’t think Changelings and ponies can even do what we were implying. Also it would be really weird for Skitter and Skatter to join in, since Chryssy’s their biological mother. Plus it would be even weirder since I’m not really a bug-horse-lubber. I love hanging out with’em, but I don’t want to do ‘that’ stuff with them,” I said. Twilight’s concern and disgusted face dropped into a sigh.
“Oh thank Celestia, I thought you were actually talking about what I thought you were talking about.”
“I’m a comedian, Twilight. I don't take what spews out of my own mouth seriously. I might suck at being a comedian, but you should not take anything I say seriously, ever. If you did, then you’ll have several brain farts, aneurysms, and ‘Twilight.exe not workings.’” Before the scholar could even begin to ask what that meant, I poked Chryssy a couple of times, and we teleported out of the library. Soon after, Scatter and Skitter followed suit, and we made a run for it. Good, loveable freedom! How have I missed you!
So, that’s good to know for later, if Twilight asks if she can ask you a couple of questions, then say ‘no’. If that doesn’t work, jump out the nearest window and hope that a unicorn that studies magic and friendship doesn’t know how to use magic or friendship to catch you. If she does, then immediately try to off yourself, just to avoid another game of ‘one million questions’. Anyhow, now that we aren’t being assaulted by magically enhanced unicorns, or unicorns that like books way too much, or anything like that, it’s time to explore this tiny little town.
You know, this was a quaint little place, the air was somehow clearer than it was in Canterlot, seemingly more peaceful, and a lot less fancy looking. I loved what was now my home city, but perhaps I should somehow buy a vacation home around here, and just go enjoy myself every now and then. Surely, with ponies that were the literal embodiment of ancient, powerful artifacts Ponyville would be extra safe and terrible stuff wouldn’t happen here every other week.
Three little fillies, who were admittedly adorable, ran by with little daggers in their mouths chanting ‘hunting cutie marks’ along the way. That was, until they stopped and did a double take on the three undisguised Changelings, one of which was as tall as Sunbutt and wearing a crown, and did a collective ‘Whoa’. “Are you the feller that took down that mean ol’ Trixie?” the one with a huge, pink bow tie asked. She kinda had the same accent that Apple Jack did, so they could possibly be related, or I could potentially just be making labels because two ponies’ voices have the same accent.
“Uh… yeah,” I said while rubbing the back of my head. What’s with the crazy look in the orange pegasus’s eyes? Actually, why are all three of them looking at me like that?
“Girls, we can get our hoof to hoof combat cutie marks!” The orange one said, dropping her little, plastic, dagger on the ground. Thank god she was not running with an actual, metal dagger, or that would’ve ended horribly. Wait a fucking second- combat cutie marks? The fuck’s a cutie mark? Maybe I should’ve asked Celly what the butt tattoos were actually called, or straight up talk to somebody that wasn’t Chrysalis or either of my guards.
I looked back at Chrysalis, who was staring at the children with an amused look, before shaking her head at me. God dammit, you fucking bug horse, you’ve just doomed me to whatever the fuck a ‘cutie mark’ was. And you can sense my dread, you asshole, and you’re just sitting there while three fillies drag me away while chanting ‘hoof to hoof cutie marks’ and whatever the hell else. I honestly stopped paying attention after I bumped my head on a couple of rocks.
Oh look, I’m being dragged through an apple orchard… is that a dog? Well, I couldn’t tell if it was a dog or a cat since it was kinda blurry. It turned out that bumping your head on the ground while being dragged by three fillies is a good way to get brain damage. So that’s what I need, my unmedicated, ill brain needs some extra brain damage on top of whatever broke as soon as I was born. My head made contact with wood and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in what looked like a little clubhouse.
These little fillies had beaten me up unintentionally, while a trained Royal Guard captain couldn’t even hit me. What world are we living in? Hell, that’s where we’re living. Why the fuck were three fillies more interested in me than the three bug horses anyways? Yeah, I tripped over a bush and knocked out a terrorist by doing so, but surely Skitter and Skatter are cooler than me. They can turn their hooves into pizza cutters!
“So, why did you drag me across town into your little club house?” I asked while my vision began to clear up. I grunted as I felt my head throb from the heavy amount of trauma it received on the way here. I probably have a concussion, definitely a headache and maybe a concussion.
“We want to get our cutie mark in hoof to hoof combat,” the orange one said.
“Cool. Why do you want a cutie mark for that?” I asked. All three fillies glared at me. “What? Being good at hurting people isn’t exactly a good thing, y’know.”
“Because that would mean we’re good at something! We’ve tried everything, mountain climbing, tree cutting, face painting, and we even tried roller skating!” the small, white unicorn filly said. Ouch, her voice was kinda squeaky, but then again, she was probably ten right? If ponies aged like humans, then these kiddos haven’t reached a point where their voices don’t hurt to listen to. At least, the unicorn didn’t. The pegasus and the earth pony had voices that didn't break my eardrum.
“So, you’re trying to find… a calling in life, eh? Something you’re good at, that you enjoy?” The three fillies nodded, while giving me looks that said, “obviously.” Well, that would explain why they want to learn how to beat people up. I could maybe best up a malnourished orphan, but anything bigger would give me trouble if I didn’t trip and body slam into them. So I wasn’t gonna be able to teach them how to box anyways. “Well, I won’t teach you how to punch somebody.”
“But what about our cutie marks?”
“You guys are really, really going at this whole ‘calling in life’ thing the wrong way,” I said while remembering psychology class.
“How? We’ve tried everything!” The earth pony said.
“For starters, you guys are trying everything whilst focusing on the reward. In this case, it’s a cutie mark, a sign that shows you’re good at something,” I said while tapping my chin with a hoof. “If you focus on the reward, you don’t focus on what you’re doing. For all you know, you three could be excellent at painting, tried it, and focused on potentially getting a cutie mark out of it. If you were to sit down, paint something, or even sketch multiple things, you might enjoy it.
“Then from there, you can start getting better at it, and eventually either turn it into a career that screams your name, or even find out you don’t enjoy it as much as something else. I wanted to be a firefighter when I was a wee little thing, but found out that I like making people laugh more. So I went to school in the pursuit of comedy and psychology. Heck, I’m not even sure if that’s what I want to do with myself.
“Just try stuff, stuff you tried already, again, but don’t think about your cutie marks while doing it. Just focus on the thing. If you enjoy it, and it’s truly something that calls you, and draws you in, then keep doing it. You’ll improve at that thing and eventually get the cutie mark. Not because you actively went for the cutie mark, but because you’re good at something and genuinely enjoy it.”
The three fillies stared at me with wide eyes, absorbing all that I had said in full. “Plus, what’s the big rush in getting a cutie mark? I didn’t know what I wanted to do until I was eighteen, and you guys are…”
“twelve,” the pegasus said.
“Yeah, you’ve got time to discover something you love doing.”
“But we get made fun of for being Blank Flanks!” the unicorn said.
“Hmm,” I tapped my chin a couple times. Chances are these kids were being bullied by their peers, and that wasn’t very cool. Well, I wasn’t sure what I can do, since I’m not sure I would be allowed inside a classroom full of children. Also I’m pretty sure that drop kicking a child would be pretty illegal, even if said child is an asshole.
“We could bring you to show and tell tomorrow!” the unicorn said.
It just occurred to me that I don’t know these kids’ names. Whoops, that’s probably not a good thing, or a very polite thing. It’s probably fine, I’ll learn these kids’ names at some point, but I’ll need to call these three, Wait up, bring me, to show and tell? Alrighty then, I guess that’s a thing that’s gonna happen tomorrow. “So like, you three never told me your names. I think it would be kinda rude to call you Orange, White, and Yellow. “
“Wait, we never… shoot!” The Orange one placed a hoof on her chest. “I’m Scootaloo!”
The Yellow one stood beside her pegasus friend. “I’m Apple Bloom!” Okay, so she was related to Apple Jack. I think, since… last names make no fucking sense here. Twilight and Shining Armor were siblings, but had no discernible last name that connected them, so that’s cool.
The little unicorn stood next to her other two friends. “I’m Sweetie Bell!” The three of them got on two legs like they were doing some whacky intro to a bunch of characters because the writers had no clue where else to introduce said characters. Like a certain guy that I know of, who didn’t know how else to introduce three characters.
“And we’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” The fillies shouted at the top of their lungs. Ow, my ears, these three sounded like chipmunks when they shout like that.
“So when should I be at school tomorrow?” I asked. “Actually, where the heck is that? I’m kinda… not a local, after all.”
“It’s on Hoof’s South Street Road!” Wow, good name for a street and road. “Just be there before noon!” I’m gonna just go there at the crack of dawn. The three fillies let me go and it just occurred to me that I don’t know where the fuck Hoof’s South Street is. That’s probably not good.
“Hey there partner! Long time no see!” Apple Jack waved a hoof at me as she approached from… I dunno. For some reason, she had a picnic basket on her back. “I was hoping to talk to you as soon as you got off the train yesterday, but that darn Trixie had me kind of occupied,” she said. The farm pony wrapped a hoof around me, and I really wanted to push her away. “So I heard you think that cooked fruit is a terrible idea, and that you hate apple pie.”
“Uh… how the fuck do you know that?” I asked. “But yeah, apple pie sucks.”
“I bet I can change your mind,” Apple Jack then made me sit down while she set up what looked like a nice, little picnic. Well, until she pulled a pie, that was still steaming(like it was fresh out of the oven-) oh. She made an apple pie and that was concerning. Before I could blink, a slice was cut out of the pie, and set on a plate in front of me. “Well? Go on, take a bite! I guarantee that the Apple Family Secret Recipe pie will make you think twice before passing up on apple pie!”
Well, I can’t let the pie go to waste, can I? I took a knife and fork, which just popped up on my plate, and cut off a bite size piece of the pie. Without thinking, I popped it in my mouth and shuddered. Urgh… the flavor was good, but the texture was just… no. Nope, not again, I don’t like slimy apples, and I especially don’t like a pie with slimy apples. I swallowed the horrid, wretched culinary insult while my stomach protested every second of the experience. “I hate it-” A stetson had hit me in the face and the next thing I know, I’m being chased across town by an angry Apple Jack.
Boy did I learn a lot of pony obscenities and slurs by the time that mare stopped chasing me.
Luckily, Queen Chrysalis was kind enough to have Skitter and Skatter recover me after I ran into an alley. That, or they were following me the whole time, and were busy eating popcorn while a crazy woman chased me throughout Ponyville. On the bright side, I’m in apparently good shape, since I didn’t completely feel like my chest was going to cave in on itself, and my lungs weren’t heaving as much.
“So sir, how was being chased by a mare?” Skatter asked.
“Not too shabby, but being chased by a girl should be fun. That wasn’t fun.” I said while I caught my breath. “How… the hell did she know I hated apple pie, by the way?” Skitter’s eyes lit up with slight amusement while he snickered. That damn Changeling, that was a good prank, but what the fuck man? I thought we were cool! And then you sick that crazy bitch on me, and leave me to be assaulted by three fillies who wanted butt tattoos?
“Next time sir, we’ll let Apple Jack catch you,” Skitter said with a smirk.
“Oh goodie, I’m gonna die!”
“No, we’ll only let her castrate before we rescue you.”
Oh great, I’m gonna be a girl next time I meet Apple Jack. that bitch was fast.
Well, this is kinda boring. After a nice, long sleep after being chased by a very unhappy Apple Jack, Skitter woke me up, gave me a map that led to the school I was supposed to go to, and then Scatter teleported me out of the door. What was really impressive was how those two changelings managed to get my teeth and mane brushed mix teleport, but I’ll assume that was magic. Anywho, the map was actually well made, and I found myself sitting outside of the school building with my journal.
The problem is, I got here at the ass crack of dawn, and I’ve been sitting here since. You know, I wish I asked somebody when the school opens, so I could get some extra sleep. You know the nice, bountiful sleep I got last night? Well, here’s a nice, big yawn for you to see how fruitful last night’s sleep was. On the bright side, now Luna knows what ‘giving the bird’ meant. I’m assuming she is verbally giving the bird to Celly, since she kinda lacked the fingers required to do said gesture.
“Do you need something?” A dark pink earth pony asked. Behind her was a bunch of fillies, including the Crusaders from yesterday. Why are all these little fuckers wide awake? I woke up four hours ago and I’m about ready to pass out and die. Heck, in school, I would’ve fallen asleep on the bus, missed the stop at school, and then been an hour late to class. God damn, you horses must have an amazing sleep schedule.
Also known as actually having a sleep schedule.
“Oh yeah, three of your students asked if I could come in during show and tell. I agreed, and here I am,” I said before moving out of the way of the front door. “Their names are Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Bell.” The mare nodded, before going to unlock her school’s door. Every foal in front of me, excluding the crusaders, were pointing their hooves at me and whispering. Great, this is like the time some eighth graders said I was short.
I was only five foot five, thank you, asshats.
“By the way, Mr. Fruit, show and tell usually starts at noon. For your sake, however, since you look awful right now, we'll begin after I take attendance,” how the fuck did she…
“You know me?” I asked.
“Of course. You stopped the changeling invasion at Canterlot and performed a comedy show at Princess Cadence’s wedding reception. It’s all over the news…” the teacher said. “And everypony in town knows about how you knocked out Trixie, a much more magically gifted unicorn than many in town, without using any magic at all,” she added. Oh sick, I’m a celebrity now, and it isn’t even for comedy. The comedy show was literally two songs long and both were about love!
I followed the whole class into the school building, which was more like a school house. The whole thing was just one room, with a chalkboard, lines of desks, a desk for the teacher herself, and little shelves where the kids left their stuff at. Aside from the lack of computers, the place was nicer than my college. Sure, there weren't any electrical lights, but there was enough natural light that it wasn’t a problem. I took a seat in the back of the room to stay out of the way.
“Good morning class!” The teacher said,
“Good morning, Ms. Cherilee!” The children droned out. Ah, so that’s the teacher’s name.
Man, what was everybody’s problem with not saying their name? Like I know the idiot making all of this well, reality, couldn’t figure out a good way to introduce somebody, but come on! I would like to know somebody’s name so I don’t call them ‘winged bitch’ or something equally as stupid. You know what? I probably will if the aforementioned idiot continues to not introduce anybody by name. You’re the reason why I swear so much.
While Ms. Cherilee took attendance, some random filly, an earth pony with a plastic, wait no that’s a real one, tiara on her head chucked a paper ball at the back of Apple Bloom’s head. The farm filly snapped and spun around, before taking the paper and unwrinkled it. I took the paper in my magic after I saw Apple Bloom get mad. The paper simply read ‘how’s it going, blank flank?” Okay, one bully down, cool. Well, I’ll have to keep an eye on the little princess.
I’m going to make a mental profile on this filly.
“Okay, who would like to go first?” Oh right, show and tell. Well, I never got to partake in show and tell as a kid, because all I had at home were bags of rice and math books, so this’ll be cool. “Okay, Diamond Tiara, you’re up first!” The kid who threw the note at Apple Bloom got up. Without showing a sign of nervousness, the kid walked up to the front of the classroom.. Well, this is definitely a rich kid, so they’ll probably have something nice, shiny, and fancy that makes everybody else jealous.
I dunno how, but Diamond Tiara pulled out a fancy looking, probably solid, gold watch. “I have a family heirloom, an old watch that has been passed through my family for generations!” She said with a smile on her face. You know, it faltered a tiny bit when she basically showed off that her family was definitely really rich. Ah, so rich kid with shit parents? A kid who wants to be more than what she is? Interesting.
After a few other students, including a kid named Silver Spoon(she was friends with Diamond Tiara apparently), Scootaloo, and by extension, her friends, were called up. Wow, these desks were not built with adults in mind, because boy did I not fit in this thing at all. I walked on over to the front of the room after the crusaders took their spot in front of the chalkboard, and turned to face the class. I sat on my rear, with a small smile on my face.
“We met Fruit Punch yesterday and we tried getting him to show us his awesome kung hoof skills!” Sweetie Bell said.
“And you’re still blank flanks!”
“Oi,” I said, crossing my forelegs. You know, I could be mean, but I’m not going to. “You had your turn already, let these kids speak,” I said. Mr. Cherilee looked about ready to thank me for that.
“Pfft, like you’re the actual Fruit Punch! I bet you just look like him, and ride the potential money bag that comes with it!” Diamond said while Silver Spoon blew a raspberry.
“Yo, Skitter? Scatter? Either of you guys hanging around?” I asked.
“Right here, sir,” Scatter dropped from the ceiling, and sat down next to me like a cat. She was completely undisguised, and it was making a bunch of the kids in the room look scared.
“So, as it turns out, I might not be the real Fruit Punch, I’m probably just a Changeling or something. Is there any way to make me shed my disguise? I asked. I tapped my hoof for a few moments, and an idea came to mind. “You can turn into inanimate objects, right?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“Can you turn into a piano?”
“Yes sir,” Scatter then turned into a full, grand piano. I pressed a key and it sounded like a real piano.
“Ah Fruit Punch, I believe you should’ve slept a little longer,” a voice rang out through the entire building. Of fucking course this was a dream, there was no way I was actually awake. Fuck it, I’m gonna do some ‘improv’ practice. I started going ham on the Scatter Piano, which was snickering with every single key being played, because I think dream Scatter was ticklish, and I didn’t even know what the hell I was playing. I was more or less just faking piano skills.
“Fruit just slept with Diamond’s Mom, I just slept with Diamond’s Mom. I slept with her for an hour, slept with her until I was done, and her father watched!” Every single foal in the room looked slightly confused while Luna walked into the room. “I had a real fun time with your Mom, Diamond Tiara! Well, not really, your Mom wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how she was better than everybody around her!”
“Fruit,” Luna said, I think. I was kinda…
“And your father cried during our fun session last night.”
“Fruit, you are not dreaming,” Luna said, now tapping my shoulder.
“Skitter is that-” Luna then slapped me across the face.
“A little buggy told me that my assistance might be needed today. That’s why I am here.” I’m not complaining, since that meant more Luna time. Unlike Celestia, who was like a giant fluff ball.
“Aren’t you nocturnal? How the heck are you not sleepy?”
“Lots, and lots of coffee.”
“So, I just said I had… uh, the birds and the bees with a kid’s mom,” I said. “While not in a dream.”
“Yes you did, good job!” Luna then patted me on the shoulder, before hitting me with some weird spell. “That’s the real Fruit, and you never claimed this by the way,” a medal slipped around my neck. “You were supposed to come to an award ceremony a day after the wedding, since you did just save the country from what we thought was an angry swarm of Changelings.” Scatter raised an eyebrow, and Skitter chose now to drop from the ceiling, and make the whole classroom scream.
“Well, I shall be off, I have a lot of caffeine that I must burn off!” With that, Luna was gone. What the actual fuck just happened. If I’m not dreaming then… I dunno what to say then, because this hurts my brain. I turned to Ms. Cherilee, who was now tapping a hoof on the ground, since as it turns out, what I just implied with that silly song, probably didn’t slide well with the teacher of… I assume elementary school kids.
“Moving on…” the teacher said, before gesturing towards her desk. “Can you tell us about yourself, Mr. Fruit Punch?”
Yeah, let’s just ignore whatever the heck just happened with Luna. “Anyways, I’m Fruit Punch, I went to college for a degree in psychology, but dropped out. I was in the Royal Guard for about… one afternoon, I’m now the ambassador for Changelings,” I wrapped my arm around Scatter, who had reverted from being a piano, and she blinked a couple times. “This is Scatter,” I pointed at Skitter, who was currently helping some kid get done with some probably overdue homework. “That’s Skitter, and they’re my guards. I’m also best friends with the Changeling Queen… and I dunno, I do sometimes dabble in comedy.”
“How were you only in the Guard for an afternoon?” One of the fillies asked.
“Caught some guy that was giving the guard trouble, and then got enlisted until I asked for Princess Celestia to bail me out of it,” I chuckled. “I kicked some serious butt before I quit though. I knocked out a captain at one point before I just wanted to leave. I suck at keeping other ponies safe, so I kinda quit,” and also the guards were completely incompetent(I would’ve added that, but I think that wouldn’t really fit in well.”
“How’d you end up in the Canterlot Invasion?”
“Ah, that’s a fun one. So I have a lot of connections within Canterlot, as you’ve seen with Luna’s guest appearance, which I didn’t plan on happening. Anyhow, because of my connection with her, I-”
“How’d you meet Princess Luna?”
“Do you kids recall a news article about how somebody landed on top of her at the Great Galloping Gala?” I asked. Everybody in the room nodded. “I’m the idiot that fell from the roof on her. You see, I was originally just trying to fix some roof tiles and then I slipped and fell through one of the windows above the ballroom!” I chuckled. “Anyways, from there, me and Luna had a bit of a… falling out, and she sued me. Next thing I know, she plants a kiss on my cheek, and lets me go because Celestia convinced her not to kill me.
“Anyways, since I was now a ‘friend of the crown’ I got invited to be Celly’s guest to the wedding of her niece. One thing led to another and I ended up ‘saving the day.’” I moved my hooves up and down to signify y’know, I didn’t do shit. “You see, every Changeling that invaded Canterlot did it because their mother, also known as their queen, was believed to be a prisoner of war or something. So they might’ve committed minor terrorism to save their queen. Turns out that said queen was just staying in my apartment, and had accompanied me to the wedding. A Changeling found out that Chrysalis wasn’t in jail and the whole Changeling Hive called off their invasion.
“Then Celly and Chryssy thought I needed guards after I manhandled several Royal Guards, hence the two Changelings before me-” I stopped when I saw Scatter cradling a colt, who looked sleepy, and Skitter had happily just wrote an entire book report for another student. Cool, the Changelings were great with children, and so far, after calming down a bit, the children loved having my guards around. Good, that’ll make my job much easier… I have a meeting with Celly and Chryssy tomorrow. God dammit!
Anyways, the crusaders went back to their seats, and I had to stay in the school house. Because y’know, doing show and tell first thing in the morning so I could go home was a thing. What was just with these ponies and insisting I do something I don’t wanna do? Shining forced me in the guard, Chrysalis made me take her home(even if I willingly did let her into my home), Celly insisted I be a politician, and Twilight made sure I came to Ponyville with paid train tickets and everything.
Where she got the money for that, I don’t know, since she apparently doesn’t have a job.
“Have fun at recess, children!” Oh, I almost caught a glimpse of a history lesson. Some shit about the ‘fall of Princess Luna, the rise of Nightmare Moon’ or known as the ‘Nightmare Period’ which was really a series of wars fought between a corrupted Luna and Celestia. You know, that sounds really interesting and I wish I paid attention, because then that’s a free history lesson without reading at all. Oh look, Cherilee was letting me leave without having a word about how I insinuated having sex with one of her students’ mothers.
I made a mad dash away from the school building. No matter what, I am not coming back here, no matter how cute the next foal that asks me to come is. Not again, that was torture. I can handle children, but not being the center of attention for a classroom full of them! Then there’s the added pressure of being an apparent celebrity, and it’s a fun recipe for disaster.
“Hey Fruit Punch!” Oh what the- a pink blur pinned me to the ground before I could even process what the fuck is happening. “I’m so glad I’ve found you! I was told that you weren’t at your hotel room at the moment, so I got scared when I couldn’t give you this. So I looked here and there, and went all the way through the Everfree Forest! Looked at every single apple tree in Sweet Apple Acres-“ she just kept going, and going, and going. “Anyways, here you go!” What the fuck are you snorting, Pinkie?
Now I want to get this pony drunk or high on something to see what happens. I was finally let up after that pink fuck flew(without wings) into the sky, landed, and ran straight up the side of a house and disappeared from sight. Pinkie gave me an envelope that had her butt tattoo printed on it. So it was time to use my head penis(aka a unicorn horn) to open this casually:
“Come to Sugarcube Corner at eight this afternoon.” It was written in crayon.
“Hey Skitter,” the Changeling popped out of nowhere and saluted me. “I’m assuming you and Scatter were just watching me as my brain got fucked up by Pinkie,” I said. “Why-“
“Sir, do you think we want to be subjected to that? Mother turned into a floor rug to avoid being assaulted by that pink power cell.” Okay, fair enough, buggy. What is with all the ponies, who were literally born as the embodiment of several, powerful artifacts fucking lunarics?
Like Apple nearly killed me for not liking apple pie. Pinkie is some extra dimensional psycho. Twilight asks a million of what is basically the same question. I haven’t had enough time with the other three elements to get s full grasp of how fucking mental those three are, but I’m not looking forward to it. “Ah, I was looking for you for ages!”
Speaking of, there’s Rarity.
“I was hoping to find you before you had to go back to Canterlot tomorrow. Mind following me to my boutique? I need to get measurements for your suit,” she said. She batted her eyelashes at me. “I am willing to bet that you’d look absolutely dashing in a suit, Fruit!” Wasn’t this the same pony I said had a soup ladle up her ass?
Probably, I can’t remember anymore after I got hungover at a bar somewhere.
“But what if I don’t want a suit?” I asked.
“Surely a stallion of your caliber needs a suit! You’ll probably be going to a lot of parties in the future, so why not have a suit lying around for when you eventually attend a formal party?”
“But I won’t go to any-“ the bitch sealed my mouth with her voodoo magic!
“Nono, I insist-“ with that, I was lifted into the air.
“Skitter, Scatter?” Both drones latched onto me, and suddenly I was surrounded by void. The next thing I know, I’m being cradled in Chrysalis’s arms.
“There there, the crazy fashion pony won’t bother you now.” What? Fuck it, this feels nice, so I’ll roll with it.
Changelings are fucking awesome.
Wow, Diamond Tiara’s Mom is a Bitch
How the fuck is there a building made out of cake? Or at least, I think it was made out of cake, I don’t know what the heck it’s made out of. Then again, Pinkie Pie apparently lived here, and given what I saw yesterday, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sugarcube Corner was actually built out of cake batter with extra ‘never rot’ shit in it. That, or Pinkie actually cooked a whole new building together, which would be pretty funny so I’ll believe that actually.
Skitter and Scatter were walking along, Scatter had a cute, simple, little, blue dress, while Skitter was walking in a tuxedo. Both of my guards were looking kinda dapper in their little outfits, which Chrysalis made specifically for them apparently. Just because Chryssy is seen as a goddess amongst her own Hive, it doesn’t mean she can’t try to be a good mother to all two thousand children at once, because that sounded easy. Oh right, Chryssy decided to attend the thing too, mostly because she also had an invite, but had a sense of urgency and was trying to nudge me forward to speed up my leisure(so I didn’t trip) pace.
C’mon Chryssy, we’re only a minute away from the time we’re supposed to be at Sugarcube Corner. No need to panic, there’s only the possibility of upsetting a pony that defies every single sense of logic that I once had.
I stepped up to the cake building and knocked on the door a couple times, to my shock it wasn’t made out of gumdrops, and then walked inside first. It was pitch black in here… it was going to be a fucking surprise party. Grand, I love- “Surprise!” a chorus of ponies jumped out from nowhere, party streamers went flying, and they were all wearing party hats. The changelings all blinked a couple of times, with Skitter and Scatter inching closer to each other to hold each, which they then promptly did. If it weren’t for the fact that they were genuinely scared, I would’ve grabbed a camera and taken a photo. Wait- cameras don’t exist, I think. I dunno since I saw one at the wedding, but I don’t think it was used for anything.
Maybe I didn’t notice said cameras because Chrysalis gave me a bottle of some fancy alcohol, which she stole from Celestia’s cellar, and gave it to me. It turns out that after dating the literal Pony Sun Goddess, it was pretty easy to sneak around her home and steal fancy shit. Anyways, five shots of that shit, and I was out like a light. Well, Chrysalis spent the rest of the evening burping me like I was an infant, and my vision was really blurry.
“So, how do you four like it? Well, the party that is?” Pinkie had dashed up in my face with a huge smile on her face, while I was contemplating if I should’ve shown up or not. The psycho backed away and I finally got a chance to look around the room. There were plenty of games, like apple bobbing, pin the tail, a dunk tank(holy shit I wanna do that), and what looked like Twister for some reason. All the decorations looked like they were hand-hoof made except for the balloons. You know, I never went to college parties because nobody felt sorry enough to adopt me, so this’ll be like one of those.
Except there’s children from the school I was just at today, so that’s going to be cool.
In a heartbeat, the children started to swarm the changelings, who were now trying to get underneath their mother and hide from the onslaught of children, ear piercing voices, and a million questions about what changelings were. It was kinda funny because Chrysalis was staring at the children and her two drones with half lidded eyes while her brain got to work. She very clearly didn’t know what to do, since on one hand, she yells at children, or she yells at her biological children who were scared out of their minds at the moment.
“This looks like a fun party, thanks Pinkie,” I said. What? She might be a psycho, but you know what? If she throws a nice party, I might as well compliment her on the party planning skills. Pinkie made a squeak noise and disappeared into what I could only assume was the second dimension when I noticed one foal who wasn’t assaulting the changelings. It was that Diamond Tiara kid from earlier, and her friend was nowhere to be found. Do I have to be a therapist for every other fucking child in this town? Like Diamond Tiara was just staring at the ground the whole time I’ve seen her.
Welp, time to go see what was wrong with her. I hobbled on over to where Diamond Tiara was standing, which was by the snack table, and she didn’t even notice me at first. “Yo, Diamond Tiara, you in there?” I asked while patting her back.
“H-huh?” The filly blinked a couple of times, snapping her head this way and that, before her gaze landed on me. “What do you want?” She asked.
“Kid, you’ve been staring at the ground for a while now. Something’s up with you, and I’m assuming it’s not something good,” I sat down on my rump beside her. “Are you waiting for Silver Spoon to show up or something?” I asked.
“No, she got dragged off to Fillydelphia for a fashion show her Mom wanted to go to.”
“And… you’ve got nobody else to hang out with?” I asked. Diamond Tiara sighed and her gaze fell back to her forehooves. “Aight then, how about I hang out with you for the rest of the party? I can’t say I’ll be here tomorrow, since I’ve got duties and things to attend to in Canterlot, but I can at least guarantee you won’t be alone tonight,” I patted the poor kid on the back,
“Why do you even want to hang out with me? Didn’t I insult you at show and tell today?”
“Nah, I’ve been called worse than a fraud before. A bunch of racist stuff comes to mind. Plus you’re a kid, I don’t hold grudges against children, and lemme tell you something important: It doesn’t matter what you did, just strive to become something better. Yeah, you might be a bit of a prick, but that can change,” I stood up and jerked my neck towards the rest of the party. “C’mon, let’s go play one of the games, I saw a dunk booth.”
“But won’t the Crusaders get mad at you for hanging out with me?”
“Meh, I don’t usually mind if people hate me a lot. And I don’t care if you bullied a couple people in the past; live in the moment kid. Just enjoy your night, grab a snack, and I’ll let you have a shot at dropping me in that dunk tank over there, eh?” Tiara nodded and trotted beside me through the party room. A few kids from the school gave the poor kid the stink eye, and that made me slightly angry for some reason(even if said children were kinda justified). There was a clear contrast between how this kid behaves in school and outside of school when she’s alone, so something behind the scenes clearly isn’t alright. Well, I’ll have more time to question that if I ever come back to Ponyville. Might as well start now too, I guess.
“So, what’s it like when Silver Spoon’s around?” I asked.
“She usually just… follows me around and doesn’t say a lot,” Diamond Tiara said. “Like we used to talk, chat, and play all the time because our parents were friends. Then we got a bit older and started going to school and it was just me and Silver. I… I wanted to make more friends, but my Mom would get mad at me for dealing with the ‘peasants’ as she calls it.”
“And so you act the way you do at school?” I asked. A simple nod was all I got. “Well, ain’t that just a kick in the teeth, eh? I kinda get where you’re coming from, though,” I magicked over a cup of fruit punch as we waited in line for the dunk booth.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Having terrible parents, or just a terrible mom, really. Your parents really screwed up with raising you eh? You can’t go make friends unless you’re making friends with other rich kids,” I took a deep breath and shook my head. “My parents wouldn’t let me have any fun growing up, they made sure I was always studying so I could become a doctor. It got so bad that if I even got a slightly bad grade, I’d get beaten with a shoe. So you can imagine how I felt when my parents basically disowned me for trying to be a comedian.” Diamond blinked a couple times, and I figure we should hop to a more fun topic.
We’re here for terrible comedic purposes, not terrible character writing, Nugget.
Oh look, we were next in line. “Let’s just ignore this sad topic for now though, and enjoy ourselves, eh?” Pinkie, who was sitting in the dunk tank was giving a spiel about how fun said dunk tank was. “Yo Pinkie, as the guest of honor, can I make a request?” Pinkie nodded from within the tank. “Can I take your place while Diamond takes her turn?” Before I could blink, I was sitting in the seat within the duct tape, while Pinkie handed a ball to Diamond Tiara.
Oh hey, there’s a second Pinkie playing that Twister looking game. And a third playing some other shit. And a fourth making refills at the snack table- what the fuck. Were those Changelings or am I on crack? Like what kind of interdimensional being is Pinkie Pie? She might as well be omnipotent at this rate- she probably is actually. I shouldn’t question what that pink fuck is capable of. For all I know, she could be the reason why Equestria is revered as the strongest country in the planet.
Oh hey Chrysalis and her drones were finally freed from the horde of children, and seemed to actually be enjoying themselves. Scatter managed to find a chunk of rock candy at the snack table, Skitter snuck off with the entire bowl of fruit punch after pouring a cup, and Chrysalis had bent her knees and started swaying side to side on the dance floor; the same dance we did during the wedding reception. She had that same look on her face while doing it too and it was funny-
Oh god this water is cold! My head surfaced from the murder liquid and turned back over to Diamond Tiara who was now laughing. Aw, look at that! When she isn’t making fun of somebody or being sad, she is genuinely adorable. After hearing Tiara’s parents are apparently like, I genuinely wanna take her home, and then me and Chryssy can take care of her. What does a college student know about raising a kid? Nothing, but I won’t get on a kid’s ass for making friends with somebody who isn’t wealthy.
I climbed out of the tank with the help of Pinkie, who had been nice enough to give me a large towel so I could dry off. Diamond Tiara trotted over to me, still smirking. “The face you made when you hit the water was priceless!” She wheezed before breaking into laughter again. “And then you sounded like a filly when you landed in the water!” She wheezed again before wiping the tears out of her eyes.
“So you’re feeling better about tonight, right?” I asked, while chucking at the mental image of what my face might have looked like.
“Yeah! This is way better than I thought-“
“Diamond Tiara, what are you doing with that filth?” A mare was stomping her way over, and she looked incredibly pissed off. Her coat was tannish, she wore some sort of shirt thing, and just looked like an asshole. Wow, I made a mistake with jokingly saying I fucked this bitch last night; a pile of poop would make for a better wife than this bitch. God have mercy on the poor bastard that had to sleep with her. Oh fuck, her perfume made her smell like the inside of a panda’s butt.
Don’t ask, I know from experience.
“Why aren’t you with Silver Spoon, and instead spending your evening with this wretched stallion? You aren’t even dressed for this party-“
“I’m gonna stop you right there, you dickhead. That is not how you speak to your daughter in any capacity, lady. You don’t just berate your child, especially in public like you are right now. All you’re doing is making her hate you, and then you’ll wonder why she doesn’t talk to you when she’s grown up. Like stop being a cunt for a few minutes and let your kid have fun; she already struggles with the terrible mindset you force on her.”
“And what makes you think you’d be able to raise her better than me? I bet you just got out of school and working a dead end job-“
“Actually, I’m in kahoots with royalty back in Canterlot. You know, working for the government, making sure the annexation of the Changeling Hive goes over smoothly, that sort of shit. As for raising children, I can safely say I would be better than you at it. I mean, I might not have experience with raising a kid, but I do have a brain and a moral compass. You don’t berate your kid in public like you just were.
“Sure you can correct them when they do something stupid, but you’re literally yelling at your kid for not putting a dress on for a party like this,” I gestured to the rest of the party. “This ain’t some shit where you’ve gotta dress nice. Like seriously, I feel bad for the guy that’s married to you, because you’re a fuckin’ cunt. Like jesus christ, I think your husband would rather fuck a log than fuck you-“
“Ah! He’s hurting me!” Oh great, this trump card. Everybody all turned to me and Tiara’s mom, and started eyeballing me specifically.
“What? I’m just drying off after I got dunked on by her kid. That was funny by the way,” I said, giving a smirk to Diamond Tiara. “Haven’t moved a hoof since I got out of the tank, by the way…” I pat Tiara on the back. “Celestia have mercy on you and your father, your mom’s a psychotic asshole,” I whispered. Tiara gave me a blank stare, like I had just said something very obvious.
“No! He just punched me, look!” She pointed at her eye, which didn’t even look black or anything. Oh c’mon lady, do better than that.
“I am so sorry about my wife,” a stallion, who was dressed in a very nice suit trotted over. “She can be… a bit much,” he grabbed said wife. “My child hasn’t been any trouble to you, has she?”
“Oh no, Tiara’s been an angel tonight. She’s pretty sweet once you get past… the exterior,” I shrugged before my ears flattened. “And uh… sorry about you know, having her as a wife,” I almost choked at the thought.
“She’s not that bad once you get used to her,” oh you poor bastard. Run away while you can you dumbass! Your wife’s gonna kill you and steal all your money in a week if you aren’t careful.
“Rich, aren’t you going to-“
“He didn’t even raise a hoof, my dear,” Rich said as he led his wife out of the building. Everybody in the room just watched as the wealthy couple made their way out, before going on as if nothing happened. Mayhaps Ponyville was used to that woman’s antics, which is why I haven’t been pinned down and beaten for ‘hitting’ a mare.
“Man, that must suck.”
“What?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“I’m gonna assume that Rich is short for Richard. Dick is also short for Richard, and somehow your mother is more of a dick than the guy that can be dubbed as ‘dick.’” Tiara snickered before promtply giving me a hug, before grabbing one of my hooves in her mouth. Huh, now she’s acting like any excitable kid I’ve met. Man, how stressful is it to have a mom like that in the same room as you?
Very.
“C’mon,” her voice was muffled because of y’know, the hoof in her mouth. “You can introduce me to that Changeling Queen, I’ve been dying to meet her!”
“You could’ve met her earlier with all the other children.”
“But then she would’ve focused on everybody but me!” She said as she dragged me over to Chrysalis, who was still dancing in that weird knee bending thing. It was like the whole ‘he hit me’ thing never happened in the Queen’s eyes. She seemed fully intent on doing this dance and my two guards joined her. Oh, along with two more changelings for some reason, which was pretty neat. Chrysalis’s eyes snapped to me, she stopped her dance, but her backup dancers hadn’t.
“Ah Fruit, are you coming to join me for a dance?” Her eyes then trailed down to the filly that had dragged me over here. “Oh I see,” Chrysalis then knelt down and squealed. “Oh you are adorable! I can’t wait to gobble you up!” Diamond Tiara then blinked as Chrysalis snatched the little filly up and hugged the daylights out of her. Surprisingly, Chryssy had a lot of control, since she wasn’t squeezing the shit out of the poor filly like I expected.
“So Fruit, how did you get this filly, and can we keep her?”
“She was sulking by the snack table, so I had a chat with her. Then I stuck by her since and kept her company…” I chuckled. “Her mother is partially to blame for why Tiara acts the way she does at school, so like, that’s cool.” Chrysalis then stopped before she let out a sharp growl.
“Ah, a horrible parent? It is a pity that murder would make the integration of my Hive into Equestria much more complicated.”
“Do you mean you’d kill my Mom?” Diamond asked. Her voice raised a slight octave at that.
“Maybe, since she seems to be mistreating you; I’ve seen her start yelling at you from here…” Chrysalis pausrd before shrugging. “So, is there anything you would like to ask me or one of my drones?” Chrysalis asked.
“You guys can transform, right-“ she yelped when Chrysalis suddenly turned into her mother.
“I’m a whore!” Diamond Tiara and I snorted at Chrysalis’s impression of the filly’s mother.
“Hey, why are you hanging out with Diamond Tiara?” An accented voice- oh, nevermind, it’s Apple Bloom.
“She was lonely,” I said before shrugging. I then smirked. “Say Chryssy, wanna teach these kids how to dance like a Changeling?” Chrysalis then transformed back to her natural form and smiled with glee. I think that’s a yes. Within ten minutes we had a whole crowd bending their knees and swaying side to side. Most of which were foals, who were struggling to keep up with the speed that the Changelings were doing purely due to their physiology.
Changeling knees could bend in ways pony knees simply can’t.
I was the best pony dancing as a Changeling. That was until Chrysalis turned into her unicorn form and swept me up as soon as the slow dance music started.
Oh hey, the Crusaders and Tiara were actually chatting and getting along!
Off in the distance, Filthy Rich was off looking for a log to sleep with; his wife wouldn’t shut up and it was hurting his eardrums(and his brain).
Author's Note
well, this exists now. wut up?
All Aboard to the Crystal Empire
“C’mon Fruit, we will miss the train if you’re any slower,” Chrysalis picked me up and into the air with her magic… well, carried me along. Well sorry, Chryssy, it only turns out that I’m below the average height of stallions and have short legs. You have long legs and your drones can just hover along with their wings. Just ignore the fact that your drones are actually walking at your pace.
You fucking stick bug.
“Why are we even leaving at the crack of dawn? Didn’t Celly say she’d meet us on the train?” I asked.
“Fortunately for you, she is, but it’s because Celestia and Luna want to check out the Crystal Empire. So it’s a meeting with a bit of deviation from what was planned. In other words, you are coming along for the ride, Fruit. Before you even ask, yes you have to come, and yes it’s for actual ambassador work,” Chrysalis chuckled as I pouted. “Now don’t give me that look, You’ll get to explore the Crystal Empire before all the political stuff that you don’t like.”
“Chryssy, you just wanna bring me along because you want your ‘favorite stallion’ nearby. Don’t even try to lie, since you can easily handle all the political stuff on your own.”
“I can, but do I wish to? Well, maybe if I have a nice, small stallion to hold in my forelegs throughout the long, dull meetings.” Great, I’m literally Chryssy’s emotional support animal. Well, on the bright side, the Crystal Empire sounds cool and hopefully isn’t what I think it is. What? There are different types of crystals; sugar, ice, meth. Actually, I hope that it is what I think it is. I want to know if I can get a hold of some meth.
Then coming back to Ponyville won’t be so bad.
Actually, I hope I can come back on occasion and check in on how Diamond Tiara’s doing, since I guess we’re friends? I mean, the kid wasn’t too bad once you get past the rough exterior of the filly’s personality. Literally just a kid that’s lonely and can’t make friends because of how shitty her mother is. Also the Crusaders weren’t too bad if you ignored the fact that they literally dragged me throughout town by the ankles.
I think that gave me a mild concussion by the way. I probably should’ve gotten that checked out.
We took the first step out of the motel we were staying in, which was honestly nice given that it was apparently just forty bits a night to stay in. I mean, I didn’t spend a bit since Chrysalis was rich, but it was still kinda neat. Oh great, now I feel like I’m mooching off of Chryssy, even if the Queen has no qualms with lending me money for one reason or another. My eyes slowly drifted to my hooves as me and Chryssy made our way down to the motel office to return our room’s key.
“Does something plague your mind, Fruit?” Fuck, forgot that Chryssy could do that. She just… Well, she can sense whatever I feel, and sometimes feed off the positive emotions.
“Don’t you get mad, at least annoyed, that I pretty much live off your dime? Almost all of the food in my home is a result of you giving me money for it. Heck, just these last three days, I was living off your dime, and I feel kinda bad for it. You give me so much and all I can do is tell a shitty joke and let you drool on me while you’re sleeping.”
“Fruit, you do understand that I would rather let you borrow money from me than to let you live off the miniscule paycheck you receive every month from the crown, correct? I don’t mind giving you money for food in the slightest and it was cheaper to get one hotel room for you, myself, and your guards than to buy two separate rooms for us. Besides,” Chrysalis pulled yet another wallet full of bits. “I’ve accumulated plenty of bits over my lifetime, especially after so many missions to gather love for my drones.
“And I usually spend my bits on those I love, as I have no use for them in the Hive. Yes, I would like to splurge and purchase a few crossword puzzles, but those can always wait for later. Meanwhile, I can spend bits on you to make sure you’re well fed, and then I get to keep you!” Chrysalis chuckled. “So in a sense, it is merely to keep you alive, but because I would also like to see you happy. Just know that each time I give you money for food, it’s so I can rest easy knowing that you aren’t spending a night with an empty stomach… and it’s a mutual exchange. I basically feed you, and you provide me with love, so no, I do not mind giving you money for food.”
Wow Chryssy, way to make me love you even more than I did yesterday. Like seriously, I’m used to sleeping on an empty stomach, since I’m(well, was) a college student, and on occasion, went a day or two without any food because I ran out of ramen to make. Without a thought, I hugged Chrysalis after we dropped the key off. It was a tiny bit awkward because Chrysalis was way taller than me, but I did hug her. It made the bug lady freeze up for a moment before she returned it with a kiss on the forehead.
What if we were to actually start dating? I mean, for me it would be a tiny bit weird, but I’m sure I can try and look past the fact that I, somebody who was once human, and maybe even see past Chryssy being a bug horse. Then this could become a shitty romance comedy! Seriously though, if we were to actually start dating, it would be a bit weird. Can’t wait for some god to make me say otherwise!
As we made our way to the train station, I noted that the Elements and a few other ponies were gathered at it. Their gazes snapped to me and Chryssy, I could only assume that said ponies were here to see us off. Wait, where the fuck were Skitter and Scatter? Like I haven’t seen them since last night-
“Were you missing us, sir?” Skitter and Scatter said in unison while hanging from a tree. Well, they swung right in front of me, and had their back hooves, which I now noticed were clawed, to hang from a tree branch. They were hanging like bats. I let out a very manly scream when I got jumpscared, thank you. Don’t you dare laugh, I’m a big boy that doesn’t get scared easily… Well, aside from all the other times I got scared of something.
“Where the heck-“
“We were just making sure that the train was actually scheduled for the morning, and relayed the information to Queen Chrysalis via the Hive mind,” Scatter said. Well, that made some sense, but jeez were my guards alert. Was that the right word? They were just always on something, like with how they got pizza cooking down to the nanosecond, and even knew to confirm the train schedule before Chryssy or myself even woke up.
It was really cool and I wish I had a Changeling’s work ethic.
Pinkie Pie was crying her eyes out at a rate that would completely dehydrate any being that’s following by logic. All the elements were there actually, with Apple Jack being tied to a chair(who looked like she wanted to scalp me), they were all waving at me and Chryssy as we got closer and closer to the train system. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were also here and all three of them promptly tackled me to the ground with a hug. “Thank you for your advice on getting cutie marks!” They said in unison.
“Wat?” Oh right, I gave them a whole spiel on how to get a cutie mark, which really was just me giving them a lecture on why they wouldn’t get the sacred butt tattoos with how they were going at things. So I guess it was genuine advice even if I didn’t know why the fuck they were thanking me for it. I am a really shitty, undertrained therapist, not some tattoo guru. Luckily the crusaders got off of me and apologized for giving me some more physical trauma and ran off to do whatever the fuck they were gonna do.
Oh look, Diamond Tiara and her Dad, who looked a tiny bit stoned, were standing amongst the group of ponies and… oh look, I’m being pinned to the ground by another child! That’s pretty cool if you asked me, since that meant children should just be the new thing in America’s self defense system. Especially when said children are colorful ponies that don’t know their own strength yet. “Will you come back some day?” Diamond Tiara asked. Her father chuckled before helping me free from the filly’s grasp.
“Yeah, give me a month or two, and I’ll come down here to get assaulted by you again.” Man, I couldn’t help but smirk when the filly let out a cheer. I shook myself and… low and behold, being knocked into the dirt twice in a row can make you nice and… dirty.
I know, I’m a comedic genius.
“I don’t think I’ve seen a pony leave such an imprint on my daughter in quite some time,” the stallion placed a hoof on my shoulder. “Next time you’re in town, hit me up, and we’ll grab a cup of cider. I’d love to chat with you,” he said. Oh great, I earned another man’s respect by standing in as a babysitter and therapist for his kid, which was kinda weird to say now that you think about it.
Wait, this place has apple cider?
Okay, I’m coming back here in a week to buy sixteen jugs of the stuff, I haven’t had any of that shit since I was ten! “Alrighty, I’ll see you soon then…”
“Filthy Rich,” the stallion introduced himself.
“Rich right? I assume you prefer being called Rich,” I guessed. The stallion smirked and patted me on the back. Also a very nice, descriptive name, since this guy was probably the wealthiest pony in all of Ponyville.
“Yep, you’re a good stallion, my friend!” Before anybody else could say their piece, I could see Chrysalis starting to get a bit jealous over how everyone was stealing my attention and… she swiped me up with her magic and dragged me into the train car.
“Now that all of that is taken care of, I get you to my-” Chrysalis’s eye twitched when she turned around. You see, she let me go as soon as we entered the train car, and now I have Scatter lying on her back and was now giving her a belly rub. My guard was in complete bliss, since apparently this was just a thing Changelings were very into. Or maybe it was the human touch; our hands(and I guess hooves) are great for petting literally anything apparently. “Why don’t you ever treat me like that? I would like to be groomed and pampered like that!” Chrysalis pouted.
Skitter had managed to stuff himself in one of the overhead luggage storage boxes, and poked his little nose out to keep an eye on where I was and what I was doing. Chrysalis seemed to have gotten over her jealousy, since now my attention was being diverted to one of her drones, so she was more contempt with how things were going now.
The door at the end of the train cart opened up and Celestia and Luna came in. The former had hunched over to enter, less she bumped her head(or worse, her horn) against the door before extending back to her full height. The two were conversing until Luna put an abrupt end to it and rushed over to where I was sitting. “Fruit! We have not seen you in ages!”
“back with ‘ye olden’ talk, Luna?” I chuckled.
“Sorry, I just got a bit excited, since I rarely get to see you. Our sleep schedules are completely in contrast to each other, thanks to my nightly duties. How was Ponyville? I was asked by Twilight to make an appearance for Nightmare Night, so I would like to know.” Luna gained a much more ‘professional’ demeanor while her sister began to idly chat with Chrysalis.
“Oh it’s pretty cool, I guess. Wait, weren’t you at the show and tell in the schoolhouse a couple of days ago?”
“I teleported from Canterlot to the school house. I didn’t get to see much of Ponyville beyond the inside of that school building.”
“Well, I didn’t go outside much either. I got dragged through town by three fillies, got hounded with questions about Changelings, and then went to a party. I’d say it’s a pretty fun place, but also filled with psychos. Apple Jack wants to skin me for some reason, Rarity damn near sewed me to the floor for not wanting a suit, and Pinkie Pie breaks every form of logic possible. Like more so than you and Celly being able to raise and lower celestial bodies.”
“Well, aren’t you a fountain of information?” Luna even adopted an accent that sounded very familiar… how the fuck do these ponies know what Brits sound like?
“Yo, what’s with the British slang?” I asked.
“British? That was my Pegland accent,” Luna made an obviously fake scoff before her eyes slowly drifted to the changeling leaning on my shoulder. “I did not know that Changelings were…” Scatter twitched a leg, her eyes were closed, and she was snoring. Why did I let her do this? Well, it’s not like I can really fight back; most changelings(and especially my guards) were stronger than I was pound for pound.
Also do you think I, a human, have the heart to say ‘no’ to a bug horse that wants to use me as a pillow? Look at the Changeling that’s drooling on my shoulder before questioning why I don’t just move my guard slightly, so she would be leaning on the window. When a changeling can do better puppy eyes than actual puppies, you know that I can’t say ‘no’ to them. It’s why Chrysalis could actually swindle me and I wouldn’t notice. “It surprised me too, but Changelings are big, workaholic goofballs.” Luna’s face scrunched up in thought.
Maybe she was going to adopt a Changeling, who knows?
And maybe Chrysalis taught Celestia how to swindle ponies as well; they did date in the past.
Anyhow, everybody in the train, after some catching up, went to their own devices. Chrysalis managed to drag a sleeping Skitter out from the luggage compartment, and was now holding him. Luna was reading a book while Celly read what looked like a bunch of legal documents, and I was stuck with a drooling Scatter on my shoulder. You know, it’s kinda hard to stay awake when…
(Chrysalis’s POV)
I watched as Fruit Punch slumped over in his seat, with Scatter, one of my more fierce guards, using him as a head rest. It was kind of adorable that Fruit managed to make the guards, that I appointed to him, comfortable around him. It was to a point where now Skitter and Scatter didn’t even notice they were on duty with Fruit, and ended up just doing stuff like this.
Yes, they know they should keep Fruit safe, but Fruit just has this way of making you relax around him. It’s why I didn’t actually kidnap Lovebutt before her wedding; Fruit made me lose track of time and also fed me with enough love, which was really just friendship, that I was perfectly fine with foregoing kidnapping a princess. Also, marrying Shining Armor would be horrible, since he is as dense as a piece of hardened, dead, carapace.
And somehow probably dumber than that.
I stifled a giggle and moved Fruit into a more comfortable position with my magic. I don’t want my prey to be complaining about neck problems, do I?
“You know, you should make a move on him already, Chrysalis,” my eyes snapped to Celestia. Her eyes looked glued to what looked like a budget, but I could tell she was giving me a ‘look’. The same kind of look that made me want to do something for her. She learnt that really quickly when we started dating oh so long ago. “I can tell that you actually enjoy that stallion’s company, and he’s a hunk.”
“He’s not into me,” I deadpanned.
“He’s into stallions?”
“No, I know what he is, Tia. His mind cannot possibly find anything such as myself, or even anything remotely pony-shaped attractive. I know he loves how I act and behave, but I doubt my looks are what is winning him over,” I gestured at Luna, who had looked up from her book. “Also, I know you got on me for how I like to be mistreated by my significant other. Especially in bed,” I chuckled. “But Luna has a crush on the same stallion that crushed her at the start of this year. She might like it if Fruit were to slap her a few times.”
“I have not a crush on Fruit!” Luna said in her Canterlot Royal Voice. Both of my ambassador’s guards shot up at the sudden change in the room’s volume, and Fruit’s eyes snapped open. With that, the moon princess turned into a shade of dark purple as she blushed. Well, that’s a shame, Lulu, if you didn’t default to that for whatever reason, then-
“Crush on who now?” Fruit asked before slowly turning to Luna while rubbing the sides of his head. “Oh fuck! Time for that contingency plan!” What? Fruit then dashed over to the opposite side of the train car and tried to roll the window up, only to fall short. “Well shit, I can’t jump out the window,” he looked over the thing for a moment, and I could tell that he contemplated breaking the window with his face. In fact, I knew that was what he was thinking since he banged his head against the window, yelped, and rubbed his head for a bit.
“Fuck it, this is an easier solution,” Fruit pulled out a can of something very alcoholic(to the point where me and the two alicorns could smell it and get tipsy), and downed the whole thing. He flopped to the ground and remained like that for the rest of the trip… if I hadn’t picked him up and started holding him like I usually do.
“How… did he fit a can of beer in his cutie mark pocket?” Celestia asked. I shrugged and began to rummage through said pocket and found a few interesting things. One was a small, comprehensive guide on ‘how to make a pipe bomb’, a book on ‘basic and moderate magic’, and lastly an equation for a spell that expands the inside of any form of storage. That last thing would explain… When did Fruit find the time to learn how magic equations work?
There was even a magic equation that made alcoholic drinks more potent... one that I haven’t seen before; this stallion might have come up with came up with a magical spell. Fruit’s gonna be throwing up a lot later. “Celestia, have you ever seen this magical equation before?” I handed the piece of paper to my ex, and she gave it a look over. She tilted her head, raised an eyebrow, and began to eye Fruit.
“Oh my... that is rather simple, but it seems to of done the job exceedingly well; I’ve seen spells be used on food to bring out more flavour in said food. and those tend to be quite a bit complicated, especially for the novice user. Yet Fruit has done something similar in a very simple way.”
Impressive, Fruit, I was not expecting that. I stuck my hoof in the stallion’s ‘butt tattoo pocket’ as he would call it... and I found something incredible.
I had Fruit’s diary.
“Oohoohoo, let’s read it!” Luna squealed.
“But it’s a breach of privacy,” Celestia said before tapping her chin. “Let’s do it.”
Skitter and Scatter hovered over to me and started to peek over my shoulder as I began to read aloud.
Queen Chrysalis had changed forms into Fruit Punch(it just made sense to do so) as she flipped to the first page of her friend’s diary, while making sure to keep the page Fruit was on intact. She cleared her voice and began to read.
“Dear Diary,
Entry one. 16/12/04
So I bought this book a while ago, and I dunno how to format these since I bought this purely to sink my time into rather than focus on any actual issues that I have. For instance, I’m sad and lonely, so I bought this thing to talk to instead of making friends at college. My mom and dad kinda cut all contact with me after I had told them that I was going to college for comedy, even if I could’ve been a really good psychiatrist with a psychology degree I was also going to school for. Fortunately, I have a decent part time job that pays well, so I won’t be starving, but I guess I’m kinda stuck on campus until I graduate.
Oh yeah, and then I’m going to have to look for a place to live after I graduate, and hopefully find a better paying job to pay rent and buy food. Luckily, I have worked out the perfect amount of money to spend on food, and the method is quite simple: Buy a case of shitty instant noodles, eat said noodles until I’m out, and then wait until next month for food. And with the remaining money, I’m saving it up so I can not be in as deep of a debt when I graduate. I’ll still be well over twenty thousand in debt, but it’s better than possibly being in debt by thirty thousand.
Anyways, I don’t know how to end this, so I’m just going to put a period at the end of this sentence and call it a day.”
“Dear Diary
Entry two. 19/12/04
So college is actually pretty easy. Yeah the work is more plentiful, but with less classes to focus on, it’s way easier to keep up with everything. Improv practice is going great, since I’m actually having fun coming up with jokes on the spot. I learnt that each joke should have a tie in to make it work better. For instance, I make a joke about horses babysitting dogs, and make reference to drunk teenagers being like dogs without horses. Thank you John Mulaney, I stole that example from you.
Also I got paid today, a good two grand, and all of it is going into savings. At the end of this rate, I will be free from college debt on a wednesday. Don’t know which Wednesday, but it will be a wednesday. Well, all of it would’ve gone into my bank account, but I bought some ramen, and then bought a bag of bell peppers for no reason. On the bright side, slicing said bell peppers helped with stomaching the flavorless ramen, and made for a good snack, but it was still a bit of a waste.
Did I mention that I don’t have any medication for my ADHD? Well, I need a prescription for that, but I don’t have insurance to cover my need for adderall. So impulse buys are going to end up being more and more frequent, like how I just spent money on a Gameboy Color that doesn’t work in hopes that I can fix it, and play this copy of Pokemon Silver even if I didn’t like Pokemon. Then I can use that to keep me from doing college work… I’m going to be in debt until a very, very late wednesday, like a random wednesday when I’m seventy two. And I just went to the thrift store today and bought a iMac with a kicked in screen.
Okay, scratch Wednesday, I’ll get out of debt on a friday. Or not at all, dying with debt is cool.
Daer DiarE.
So I just went to a cooleg party for the first time, and I have nobody to talk to. Nobody wanted to talk to me, so I was just left alone at the snack tabel. It’s really coo that they had some fruit punch lying around, because errr I don’t know, I don’t think the froot punch was actually fruit punch… somebody said it was half vodka or whatever. So with em begin aLone was a good idea, since I was just stress eating. WWWW
I drank the whole bowl of fruit punch.. It was some good shit even if it’s-
Urgh, I don’t know if it’s the same day or not, but I don’t have school or work! Jesus christ my head hurts- I need to see a toilet-“
“I believe I know why Fruit chose his name now,” Celestia giggled.
“I cannot imagine how much alcohol was in that fruit punch if he was that hung over,” Luna laughed.
Dear Diary
Hey look, I got a letter from my Mom telling me that I should go die in a fire. I need more spiked fruit punch.”
Chrysalis raised snarled at reading that. “What good mare would even tell that to their child?” The Queen looked up to Princess Luna and Celestia, who seemed to be equally as shocked at that surprisingly short diary entry, but it was quite telling of why Fruit might not care so much about being stuck in Equus for the rest of his life. Chrysalis paused before noticing a small P.S at the bottom of the page:
“Oh yeah, my Dad told me I’m a failure on Christmas, so that was a wonderful gift.” Chrysalis felt an unyielding desire to find a way to Fruit’s dimension and murder his parents. She let out a snort before reading onward.
“Dear diary
02/01/05
So, I think I had too much to drink last since… actually no, I think I bought weed and smoked it all. You see, I was going to go to improv practice while high, just to see if I got funnier while high off my ass. The main problem with that was as soon as I stepped outside, I found myself falling from a dome shaped ceiling, and landed on top of a person. Actually, would the term ‘person’ fit here? Because I landed on top of a pony that is very capable of speech, and very much capable of recognizing that she exists.
A normal horse wouldn’t be able to even comprehend that it’s alive after all.
Oh wait, that was apparently a princess, pony thing. I’m in jail and my back hurts, mate. Like I got dragged off the pony that I landed on top of and kicked a few times by a bunch of guards, and immediately tossed in a dungeon. Somehow I still have my diary, which is odd since it was in my backpack, which is gone, but I’m not complaining. I have this can of bud light that I impulsively bought and I was saving it for calculus, but I guess I can see how beer and weed affects a guy.
Also I’m a horse with a head penis now.”
Chrysalis began to snicker. “Head penis? Is that what Fruit thought to call a horn? Instead of the most obvious thing?” She looked up from the book to see both of Fruit’s guards snickering while Luna was wheezing into her sister’s shoulder.
“What in Equus sake is this… weed? I want some just to understand what Fruit was thinking when he first arrived!” Celestia snorted as she tried to recover from laughing so hard.
“Dear Diary,
So I went back a month and moved forward a day because apparently it’s new years here! Also I am in fact not high, drunk, or hung over so that’s pretty cool. My name went from Mob to Fruit Punch in not even a day. Also the pony I landed on top of sued me and was pretty angry at me(reasonably so) and I got away scott free! I even get to live in a house that’s provided to me by the government, and was given a few books to help me fit in amongst ponies.
I got hit in the face with a book during the trial, which is a bit unlawful, but whatever, it beats being beheaded. Also for some reason, there’s two princesses, possibly a third, but no king or queen. Also cool thing, I’m not in debt, and I won’t have to send a letter to my mom on mother’s day this year. Nor do I gotta worry about asking that cute girl out, so that’s cool.
Also, I will admit, I almost pissed myself when I got dragged out of my cell by the tail.
When will some random Disney princess decides that I should be her steed? Because when that happens, I will kill myself.
Dear Diary
Fuck the date and entry, it’s been a solid three days since I’ve come to exist in this land full of ponies. Honestly, this place isn’t too shabby, even if I wish I could still go to school and finish college before mysteriously disappearing, but whatever. I learnt enough throughout my first two semesters to be happy and capable of doing things.
Also I learnt that Equestria has an army, which made sense, since it was a country. The main issue with this isn’t the fact that it exists, a country needs some sense of security. What was a problem was that I got drafted after catching a random thief that the guard had been struggling to catch. How does an army manage to struggle to catch a guy who barely runs at two miles an hour?
I don’t know, but I think this is actually a fever dream.
So I was told to be trained by several guards, and kicked a captain’s ass. I don’t know any martial arts, how to swing a sword, or anything really. I tripped and stumbled a lot which happened to play in my favor, since I have the most uncanny ability to knock out almost anybody by tripping over myself and becoming a sentient wrecking ball.
By the way, if some alicorn manages to find this diary in the future, don’t ask what a wrecking ball is.
Anyways, this is why I don’t care at the moment, since I can beat up almost any guard member without doing shit. Now, could I be wrong and just be incredibly lucky? Yes. Does it still concern me that an untrained idiot can knock out the finest soldiers in Equestria? Yes. How are we alive? Yes.
Oh yeah, Luna got into sugarcane(ponies snort that stuff right?) or some shit today, since the world went and had a stroke for a few hours. At least I think that’s how the world works since she and her sister are basically god. On a much weirder note, I have met a bug horse, that happens to be the ruler of an entire race? I think so, but she only mentions one ‘Hive’ so I assume there’s more than one.
Anyways, she zapped me with some weird spell which didn’t work. Apparently it was mind control, but joke’s on you, Chryssy, I have a mental illness, not even I know what I’m thinking most of the time. So what is some mind control gonna do? Make me even dumber? Good thing I’m already incredibly stupid! Unless I really have a hankering to do something only my dumbass would find funny, I will not be thinking straight, like calling a changeling queen a bug horse.
Oh, and bonking said queen on the nose when she’s sleeping.
Dear Diary, so I guess this is just a thing now. It’s been a few days since I’ve-“ Chrysalis snapped the diary shut and hid it in her friend’s cutie mark pocket the moment she heard her friend begin to stir.
(Fruit’s POV)
“Urgh… wha?” My eyes drifted over to the can of magically enhanced beer that I brewed, and my head hurts like hell. Man, that was some good shit, but god I shouldn’t have drank it. On the bright side, I think the contingency plan of ‘Pony Want Fuck’ definitely failed since Luna, Celestia, and Chrysalis were staring at me. “Yo… what the hell happened?”
Good thing about magical beer? Hangovers don’t last more than thirty seconds. On the ground around me, I noted that several things that I had in my butt pocket were out. Such as my pipe bomb book, a book on magic, and a couple spell equations were the most important things.
“You guys read my diary, didn’t you?”
“No we didn’t,” Chrysalis said.
“Yes you did, I can tell that you’re lying, Chryssy.”
“What gave that away?”
“You’re still me. Reading my diary while being me sounds like a very Chrysalis thing to do, Chrysalis,” I chuckled. “I really don’t care if you read it, I really don’t. It was gonna happen eventually,” I magicked everything into my butt pocket and whipped out the diary. “You even folded the page you left off on!” I laughed before going to see where they left off.
“Oh, the wedding invitation bit,” I chuckled at that. “It still kinda shocked me about how the whole invasion thing happened on accident.”
“What?” Luna asked.
“Every changeling thought Chrysalis was gonna get her head cut off, so they came to rescue her. Hence the invasion,” I paraphrased the explanation a lot there. Luna’s eye twitched a couple times.
“So which of you had a crush on me?” With that, Luna turned purple and I could see Chrysalis getting a little red underneath her carapace. Well, Chryssy I expected, but I dunno what the fuck Luna saw in me. I’m shit colored and I’m stupid! “Well, let’s just move on from that, that’ll be for a later chapter.”
“What now?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
With that, I sat up, stuffed the diary back in my ass, and trotted out of the train cart, and into the next one. I’m gonna make tea alcoholic and give a cup to everybody who listened to Chrysalis read my journal. Oh, and Chryssy’s gonna get a very, very strong alcohol. Is this a bit petty? Maybe, would it be funny? Yes. Am I going to give some to Scatter? Okay, maybe not, she’s a bit too precious to give poisonous grape juice to.
Can’t wait to see if a drunk Changeling Queen is incredibly smart, or incredibly dumb. Luckily the train cart that I entered looked to be the ‘kitchen’ train cart with a couple ponies running a bar type of thing, and it appeared to have apple flavoured tea. Watch out, horses, you all will know what a nice, strong margarita is like. That’s right, this is the start of my villain arc! I will steal candy from a literal baby and then tell said baby that their mom’s stupid!
Okay, maybe spiking magically enhanced, canned beer with magically enhanced, canned vodka was a bad idea.
Author's Note
Bit of a shorter chapter than usual, but I figured this would be a fun way to give some context as to what is a ‘Fruit Punch’
I Killed Celestia’s Ex-husband
Holy shit, this place looks cool. Everybody around me is shiny, everything around me is shiny, and everybody seems to be scared of me and Chryssy. The only reason why neither I or the changelings in my company were in the danger was (mostly) Celestia and Luna. The other was the fact that there was a small amount of guards, pony and changeling surrounding Chrysalis.
By the way, there’s just a fish bowl type of thing, like at Canterlot during the weeks leading up to operation ‘Save Mom’(a legitimate name that changelings came up with for their planned invasion). Unlike the last fish bowl, this had a genuine reason, which is that it kinda acted like a greenhouse. Outside of the fish bowl is a cold, formidable shit hole.
In other words this place was in Canada.
Okay, not really, but it basically was. It was cold as fuck, like a whole human leg’s deep layer of snow on the ground. How the hell didn’t the train freeze onto the tracks? Oh, it almost did, but the wheels had some weird heating enchantment on it. I kinda got how it worked, but I’m just going to assume that you just make particles move faster to heat things up. Another easy solution would be applying some magical seal on the wheels; seals keep the cold out I think.
Oh right, I’ve got shiny guards in front of me, and they were leading me into what looked like the eiffel tower, but probably taller. Celestia had a wagon strapped to her with a fancy looking mirror in it. Despite how much every single guard had offered, the princess refused to let anybody pull the wagon but her. Apparently that mirror was something incredibly important(dangerous), hence why the princess had chosen to move it so far up north by herself. After a little while, we were at the eiffel tower, and how the heck do we-
Oh shit, magical elevators. Well, I wish I had this back at home. Well, by home, I mean on planet Earth. I cannot tell you how painful it was to be stuck in an elevator for three days because somebody got their iPod stuck in the elevator mechanisms. Then nobody wanted to come and fix the elevator because… I dunno, I just remember being on the news for being stuck in an elevator for the longest time in the world.
Woohoo, I held a world record.
“Auntie Celestia!” Cadence, who looked like she was waiting for us, greeted her aunts. She then bowed to Chrysalis, who returned a bow of her own. Should I be bowing? I probably should, but like, I’m an honorary member of the Hive; I only bow to Chrysalis. Actually, even then I don’t since Chrysalis just demands that she uses me as a teddy bear and emotional support stallion. Oh look, I’m bowing, thanks body for working on your own since that’s how I became friends with Chryssy.
“Ah Fruit Punch! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you!” Cadence offered her hoof and I shook it. “I…” her eyes glanced at me and the Changeling Queen beside me, before they drifted back to me. What the fuck was she thinking? “Well, how have things been? I heard you got appointed as the ambassador for changelings, specifically Chrysalis’s Hive,” she said with a small smile.
“Oh yeah, that was pretty fun. First I get appointed as captain of the Royal Guard without my consent, and then I’m a politician without wanting to be a politician. On the bright side, I got two guards that are pretty cool. So, how’s Shining Armor doing-“ I ducked out of the way of a magical spear, likely made out of light, flew past my head. “Nevermind, there he is.”
“As sharp as ever, Fruit! Wanna spar before we get into the boring stuff?” Shining asked. I took a deep breath before contemplating what could happen. On one hand, this guy could be very competent and kick my ass. On the other hand, I have my brick. The same one that I tried to beat Trixie over the head with. Also I have a better grasp on magic now, so that’s cool. Maybe I can just use a gun in the future; I’m gonna introduce muskets to Equestria in a few weeks.
“Eh, fuck it. If I get hurt enough, we’ll have to postpone the meetings anyways.”
“And you will not be able to make children, Shining Armor,” Chrysalis snarled. Shining Armor’s ears flattened as his eyes widened with the primal fear of losing your nutsack and being forced to watch it be cooked on a frying pan, and then being force fed your nutsack. A little too specific? Chrysalis apparently did that to somebody that killed one of her past lovers over honor. That’s what she said at least, and I completely believe in it. Like jesus, this woman is awesome but fucking brutal.
Also, don’t cross or hurt Chrysalis’s feelings, I like not getting castrated with a hatchet.
“So, about that sparring match?” Before I knew it, I was standing in what looked like a cavern underground. The group I came with, Cadence, were seated at a set of bleachers. I was standing around with a leather chestplate and my Brick, which I have perfectly named ‘boner’, in hand. Shining Armor was standing across from me in similar gear, but without weapons. Well, he did launch a light spear at my head, so he might not need a wooden sword to kick my ass.
Oh look, a wooden sword to use alongside my brick.
Luna, who somehow got a hold of a coach hat(which looked cute on her), stood on the side of the field with a whistle in her mouth. One very loud whistle later, and now I’m having a staring contest with Shining Armor. Neither of us moved a muscle. If one thing is to be said, this guy probably has a good defense if he defended all of Canterlot almost single handedly. Up until he had to take a dump at least. And Shining Armor thinks I wait for my opponent to make a mistake, so he’s just gonna sit over there like I was sitting over here.
In other words, I will- I dodged a light arrow which promptly crashed into Boner the Brick and shattered him into a million pieces. I paused as my eyes glued onto my most prized possession and pet rock, which was now nothing more than a pile of dust on the floor. My eyes fell to my hooves as I side stepped another light spear. I blinked a couple times and everything went black. I only got a small glance at reality here and there, but it was a very hazy thing that was happening.
The next thing I know, I’m being pried off of an unconscious Shining Armor, who’s horn had impaled my wooden sword. I was now being suspended in the air by a yellow, almost golden, magical aura. I didn’t care though, since I just won our little sparring match! Wait a second, I just kicked the highest ranking officer in all of Equestria’s military while not even aware of what I was doing. Oh well, I did this for one reason, and one reason only.
Boner, my favorite brick, you have been avenged.
“Fruit,” I looked up at Celestia, who was looking down at me with a slight frown. She spun me around so I was now facing her, and was at eye level with her. “Why did you beat Shining Armor over the head with a wooden sword for ten minutes straight?” She sounded more amused than anything. “And why did you shove part of his leather chestplate in his mouth?” She then began to tell what had actually happened while I was zoned out:
So it turns out I dodged another light spear and then made a mad dash for Shining Armor. I dodged several other magical projectiles and got into a short melee bout with the stallion. Some punches later, and Shining tries to defend himself with a shield, which he woulda done had I not plowed into him and started beating his ass with a wooden sword. Holy shit that sounded awesome. Good thing I wasn’t conscious to realize what the hell I just did.
“Weren’t we sparring?”
“Sparring isn’t bashing a blunt object into the side of your opponent’s head for ten minutes straight. Shining is very lucky that he had a leather helmet, or he would’ve gotten a concussion,” I watched as Cadence panicked as she pushed a medical bed out of the training grounds with her unconscious husband strapped to it. Jesus, I think I did a little more than just beat the guy over the head.
The captain’s whole coat was messy and the leather chestplate was wearing was gone. His entire body was littered with bruises, some sharpie had been scribbled onto his muzzle that read ‘Get fucked, pussy boy’. And the wooden sword was still stuck on his horn, which was probably why he was unconscious. I did just bash a very sensitive muscle in with a wooden sword apparently.
“Worry not, Shining Armor only received minor injuries, but please refrain from kicking his ass so badly in front of Twilight Sparkle. She will gut you if she finds out that you had beaten her brother so quickly, and then rip your head off for beating up her brother.” I nodded before promptly swept up in a green, magical aura and hugged by Chrysalis.
“Watching you beat Shining Armor like that was very attractive. How did you… go so feral?”
“He killed my pet brick.” Chrysalis blinked a couple times before deciding that my logic made no sense at all. The Queen holstered me on her back and began to trot after the rest of our group, who seemed genuinely concerned about Shining Armor. Chrysalis on the other hand, happily hopped and skipped with me in tow, and even blew a raspberry at the unconscious stallion as she blew past them.
So, as it turns out, I kicked Shining Armor’s ass so hard that we had to postpone a couple of days, so that’s cool. Somehow I didn’t get into any trouble for kicking said ass, so that’s cool. On the bright side, thanks to how postponed everything is now, I get to go out and explore the Crystal Empire, which is what I’m doing because Cadence is kinda mad at me for beating up her husband, so I plan on staying away from her.
I also might have spiked her tea earlier so she’ll be out cold by the time I get back. Make sure to drug your superiors, kids, it saves your ass from the ass beating of a lifetime(disclaimer, do not drug people, it’s bald).
Also, a letter was sent to Twilight and Shining Armor’s parents, and Twilight herself about the whole situation. I’m going to get turned into a chalk outline when I meet that unicorn again. For as much of an egghead as Twilight is, she happens to be insanely talented with magic in terms of raw power and then in the range of spells she has under her belt. I don’t know where the fuck I would stand amongst other unicorns in terms of raw power or spell knowledge, but it’s safe to assume I would be the equivalent of a grenade in comparison to a nuke if I were to fight Twilight Sparkle.
Then again, I did just beat Shining Armor in a blank rage of fury, so maybe I can do the same to Twilight. Then Celly would kick my ass for beating her favorite student up.
Also, I’m in some library reading a history book. Did you know that some asshat decided to dabble with dark magic and then essentially became pony Hitler? Probably, but let’s assume you didn’t. Also turned out that the whole news article, that I read before Skitter made the crime that is baking pineapple directly into the crust of a pizza, was about how pony Hitler got his ass handed to him by Twilight Sparkle and her friends. So that’s a pretty cool thing.
Another cool thing I learnt is that despite Sombra, or Pony Hitler, being defeated twice, he still isn’t actually dead. There’s just some weird dark magic he uses whenever he gets really close to dying that just keeps him going. Wow, nobody likes to read their history books here, do they? Like there’s at least seventeen doomsday-causing-demons and monsters. Somehow Sombra, you know, might potentially be a genocidal maniac, was labeled as a ‘minor threat’ meanwhile, a magic eating Centaur rated as ‘really bad, make sure it dies’ threat. For some reason, Sunny left the magic eating Centaur alive in a magically enchanted cage at the bottom of some pit somewhere.
Celly, we are going to have a chat, and I’m going to make a couple pipe bombs. Despite everything here being kinda dangerous, most, if not all of them(excluding some fucker named Discord) were actually mortal, which meant I can do what humans do best: Show up, kill everything, and leave. Oh hey, there’s a page here about humans under the ‘theoretical dangers’ and boy is it understating how fucked up we are as people. Like how, due to a human’s inability to use magic, makes them easy to defeat.
Like bitch, we humans learnt how to harness the same shit that fuels the sun, and we kill each other over Subway sandwiches having too much mayo on it. You know, living in magical pony land really did make me see just how fucked(and fucked up) we humans are as a species. Like I literally just beat up a government official and get off scot free. If I were to mildly anger some guy over how I built a sandwich at work, then there’s a slight possibility that I will end up in a body bag in some ditch somewhere.
I mean, Ponies being really lax with their punishments is also bad, since apparently there’s just the equivalent of Satan in a hole somewhere.
My whole studying thing is also just a way of avoiding Princess Luna, since I could start dating her, but Chrysalis is also kinda tempting, not gonna lie. The problem with this is that I don’t want to date multiple people at once, since that just doesn’t sit well with me. Yeah, harems, or herds as ponies call them, are cool and all, but I don’t find them cool. Like, imagine you’re marrying the literal goddess of the moon one moment, and then you date some unicorn that got banished to another dimension for three years. But at the same time!
That’s right Page, I see you, dickhead.
Now, the problem with me actually considering Luna is that I would be choosing her over Chryssy. I’ve come to terms that I’ll probably never see another human in my life, so I might as well try dating ponies, but like there’s only three females that I actively talk to. Celestia, Chrysalis, and Luna. The fuckers who can kill people with rainbow beams don’t count, they’re a bunch of psychos. Dating one of any of the possible options would have its ups and downs, for instance, Celesta was actually warmer than Luna and Chrysalis in terms of body heat. Luna had softer fur, and Chrysalis was incredibly cuddly.
The only problem is that Celly definitely isn’t interested in a relationship at the moment, and I know that the other two options have a crush on me. Maybe I should just do a disappearing act and not be seen again for seventy-seven years, since then I’ll be basically dead. Like I would feel bad for choosing either Luna or Chrysalis over the other, and then promptly stick a pipe bomb(since I don’t have a gun) in my mouth after lighting it. Fuck it, I might just go with Scatter, she’s adorable, and… nah. I’ll just date somebody, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be sad, but I know it won’t work out.
I’ll start with Luna since I do kinda owe her for literally crushing her.
Also this history book lays out where the fuck Sombra used to sleep, which apparently wasn’t guarded at all. As for why it isn’t, you ask me that and expect an answer? Like dude, I don’t know why half the doomsday things exist or why they aren’t just heavily guarded. But I know the place isn’t very well guarded because I just walked into what was presumably Sombra’s chambers to get a good look into what this guy was like.
Oh hey, a dark gray unicorn was just waking up- wait what? His horn was curved and tipped off in red, and he had a silver crown on his head. His eyes shot open and revealed blood red eyes; it was Sombra.. I think it was at least. Okay wow, whoever the fuck kicked this guy’s ass did not do that good of a job if he still has a physical body and isn’t just some sorta spirit type of thing again. “Ah, so a pony has come, willing to sacrifice his magic to fuel me on my plot for revenge?” He paused and tilted his head. “No, I can sense how dark your heart is, perhaps you’ve come to join forces with me on my conquest to bring the world to its knees!
Wat?
“Tell me your name stallion, for I can reward thee with power of your wildest imagination! An entire country at your knees! All you’ve got to do is say the word and swear your allegiance to me!” Before I could even react, the guy brought his horn up to mine and there was some flash of light. “Oh sweet Celestia! What in Tartarus is wrong with you!” Oh, this is a thing that’s happening. “H-how, how is your mind so dark?” Sombra began to back away from me, like a cornered animal; he was scared.
“Worked as a manager at Mcdonalds-” Sombra began to laugh like a maniac as he tried to suck me dry of… I think it was dark magic, only to blink a couple of times when nothing came out. “Oh right, I don’t use dark magic, nor do I know how to use magic, I’m just a human being. Whatever dark, whacky shit you could come up with, we’ve probably topped you. Look,” with that I pulled out a piece of paper.
“Get it away from me! I take it back, I no longer wish to rule Equestria!” One flash of light later and he was nothing more than a skeleton. Jeez man, I only showed you a piece of paper that was enchanted to show your worst nightmares, which was just Celestia in a nice sundress with a pink mane and tail(which was kinda cute), pussy. Man, fuck Twilight and her friends’ tie ins to magical artifacts, all you gotta do is have a human brain. On the bright side, I now know that I am very scared of ponies dressed in leather, not leather armor, just leather suits. I’m going to go find Scatter or Skitter and ask them to turn into something to bleach my eyes out.
Oh hey a set of divorce papers! Ah fuck, I just made Celestia’s ex-husband kill himself.
Author's Note
Chrysalis took over the story’s perspective for a bit. So expect there to be some logic in what is coming out of her at first.
Date With Chrysalis
“So Fruit, how would you like to leave the castle?” I asked Fruit as we walked through the hallways of the Crystal Castle. Now, on one hoof, we could walk out of the front door, but I wanted to do something in style. You see, I only look fragile, but I could probably outfly quite a few pegasi without struggling while carrying Fruit with me. Now, would any skilled pegasi be faster and more agile? Yes, yes they would. Would this stop me from treating this lovely little stallion to the feeling of a strong breeze as your wings carry you through the skies? No.
“Uh… weren’t we just gonna walk? I mean, we could also teleport, but those sound like two very practical methods of travel that we can make use of,” Fruit stopped once he saw me eyeballing a balcony. “Oh, I see what you want to try…” the stallion closed his eyes, took three deep breaths, and reopened them. “Aren’t you worried about… I dunno, me falling?” I looked up to my horn and magicked him over to me via levitation. “Oh right, you can just catch me. Well, if you wanna fly us to that restaurant, then I can’t really stop you-”
Before Fruit could even finish his sentence, I ran towards the balcony and jumped off with Fruit in my magic. I then spread my wings out, wrapped my forelegs around my date’s chest, and started to fly at great speeds towards the restaurant I was hoping to check out. Fruit, being the shining example of a strong stallion, started screaming and cursing at several octaves higher than his normal speaking voice. I now know that humans really like the word ‘shit’ for some reason. As for why, I don’t know, but I can assume that humans have a weird affinity for feces.
I made sure to land softly so I wouldn’t accidentally crush my date, and Fruit stumbled away from me, laughing like a maniac. “Oh that was awesome! Let’s do it again!” I cocked a metaphorical eyebrow(I don’t have eyebrows).
“Were you not screaming about how you’re screaming about how you were scared of heights?”
“So what? It was fun! Yeah, being that high off the ground was kinda scary, but I like the adrenaline rush I get from it!” Fruit stumbled, wheezed, and leaned on one of my legs as he regained his footing. “Now I wish I had wings…” Fruit tapped his chin before grinning. “There’s a way to get wings through means of magic!”
“Fruit, there are only two ways. Either you ascend, as in you find an answer in life for a question that you were not meant to know the answer to, or you use dark magic. One is heavily implausible and the other is something that I am not going to let you do,” I glared at the stallion while he shrugged. “And any other way to gain wings would not provide you with real wings, as those ways are illusions or purely cosmetic spells.”
“Meh, I’ll find a way.”
“If you do, then you will be renowned as the brightest unicorn in all of history, surpassing Twilight!”
“Isn’t Twilight the same pony that can’t figure out how to be a good friend to save her life? Like she was more intent on questioning us over checking on the friends that just got harassed by a heavily influenced unicorn,” Fruit shrugged. “I mean, I’m sure she could make any college work I’ve done look like child’s play, but you mean to tell me that that bitch is smart?”
“Well, she is gifted with magic, you cannot deny that.”
“Magic doesn’t mean shit if you get knocked out before you can use it,” Fruit pointed out.
“Or if somepony is fighting you and you go feral again.”
“Hey now, I only whacked Shining Armor over the head for ten minutes straight while being feral. I’m not that dangerous,” Fruit waved with a hoof.
“Fruit, you claimed in your diary that you don’t know what you’re doing in terms of combat,” we entered the restaurant and I told the mare up front about the reservation I made. “And you’re capable of knocking out one of the strongest unicorns in the country. If you wanted to, you could become a genuine threat and you choose not to,” Fruit simply snorted at that. The waitress led us to a table, which was at a window, which was nice. My date chuckled, like he had been thinking about something.
“I could take over the world, but then there’d be nobody to tell my terrible, not funny jokes to,” Fruit waved a hoof before picking up one of the menus we have been provided with. “Plus then I would have to commit some mild genocide to take over the world. And if I did that, then I wouldn’t have my favorite… I guess ponies would work for this term? I wouldn’t have my Changelings to keep me company, and I like having Skitter and Scatter around.” Fruit took a sip of water.
“Nor do I get to date an adorable bug queen,” I felt heat in my cheeks begin to rise a little at that. Even if I know that I try to be cute at times to try and swindle my friend, now boyfriend, it was still nice to hear that from his mouth rather than just sense what he’s feeling.
“I didn’t know you would be so flirtatious when I asked you out, Fruit.”
“Well, I did drink seven cups of magically enhanced coffee before this, so I might be running off a little too much energy; I am now more mentally ill now, and this time, it’s to another person’s delight.”
“Fruit, that much caffeine is not good for your heart, nor will it be good for your digestive system.”
“Oh I know; I threw up all of that coffee. It’s kinda cool to see how liquid pretty much goes untouched for a bit. The coffee was a wee bit more brown and acidic, but throwing up should keep me from having the runs.”
“So, have either of you made up your minds on what you would like to get?” A waitress asked. She was a cute little unicorn, wearing a waitress uniform, with a notepad and pencil suspended in her magic. I nodded while keeping a sharp eye on what Fruit would do in the presence of a cute pony that wasn’t me. Well, I didn’t register as a pony, but Fruit is mine, and I am not sharing him.
(Fruit’s POV)
God dammit Chrysalis, you hijacked the story’s perspective twice now, what the fuck? This time it wasn’t even warranted since I’m still conscious. This is all just a fun way of saying that I should stop being sentient. “I’ll take the…” Chrysalis paused for a moment and eyed me while she was ordering. “Poached egg soup with beet broth,” she finished. Her eyes were dead set on me, while mine were dead set on the menu. Is now a good time to mention that I haven’t actually read the menu? Oh god, I got mad at people who take fifteen years to order at Mcdonalds, and here I am being the same type of idiot to take ten years to order a Big Mac.
I’ve become everything I hated, am I happy? No, the answer’s no, I’m sad, very sad.
“I’ll get two grilled fish filets with poached egg.” Wow, this place really liked eggs. Every other item on the menu had some kind of egg in it. The waitress nodded, gave a cheery, genuine smile and went to probably deliver our order to the kitchen for it to be made. Wait a fucking- this restauraunt has pizza with a tag line ‘Inspired by Chef Fruit Punch’. And the picture wasn’t even of an actual pizza! It was that stupid bread and topping bullshit- there was pineapple in it. Fuck it, I am- no, I cannot spread my pizza recipe, I need that to make bank.
It would be nice to not have to borrow money from Chrysalis even if she says she doesn’t mind it.
“So, who’s your favorite drone?” I asked after taking a sip of water. Oh god dammit, why is half the cup full of ice? Like… it’s not even pop or something where you should cut down on how much you give a customer. Fuck it, my horn ignited and I quickly heated up the ice to a point where it would melt, but not the point where it would boil and then not be fun to drink.
“Well… I can’t say I have a favorite drone, since they’re all my children, but I do like to be in Scatter’s company. She’s a smart little thing, an excellent worker, and is absolutely adorable! She also happens to be one of the Hive's more deadly combatants, hence why she is guarding you,” Chrysalis looked me over with narrow eyes. “I say she could probably beat you in a fight, but I know she’s not going to want to fight you.”
Oh cool, she ignored my display of magic.
“For starters, you might go feral and put her in an infirmary, and she probably wouldn’t want to hurt you. I hear about how well you treat my little changeling, and how you let her suck love from you whenever she’s hungry,” Chrysalis raised what looked like an equivalent to an eyebrow. “She would be more likely to try and cuddle with somepony than to actually harm them, unless she, or her clients are in danger.”
“It still surprises me as to just how cuddly you bugs are. Like Skitter is kinda into being hugged while he’s napping, and he’s not even that cuddly! You use me as a stuffed animal and then there’s Scatter. Scatter, your bravest, smartest warrior, loves belly rubs, ear rubs, and a massage between the wings. Heck, she’s probably found a random Crystal Guard by now and-
(Off in the distance, a guard threw his helmet and Scatter promptly chased after the discarded headgear. The drone then brought the helmet back, only for the guard to toss it again. “That is adorable!” Another guard cooed as he watched a changeling act like an Equestrian Retriever. Scatter then returned and licked the same guard on the cheek, which made him faint.)
“Here is your food,” the waitress magicked our food, which were in a bowl and a plate for Chrysalis and my food respectively, and handed us both some silverware to consume our dishes with. You know, I have some money on me from earlier, since after I broke into that vending machine, I may have taken the bits out of it. I’m gonna give all of these bits to that waitress, because working in food service sucks dick.
Like it sucks dick harder than I would if I weren’t straight.
“So, since you read my diary, I assume you know about my deepest, darkest secrets?” I asked, hoping to get an idea of what my date now knew about me because of it. Chrysalis nodded, while looking kinda mad. “You aren’t mad about me being a comedian, right?”
“No, I like that about you, even if you suck at being a comedian.”
“Accurate and hurtful, m’am.” Ouch, my pride.
“I am mostly mad at your parents. You had a dream and your parents decided to disown you when you go to pursue it! How do you-“
“Meh, it was kinda freeing. My parents tried to control every little aspect of what I should be, and so being disowned was kinda freeing. I could do what I want, be what I want, I got to be a person! Heck, I almost hugged my mom when she decided to disown me, but I think I would've gone to jail for assault if I did. Really, it’s not that big of a deal, since I was probably not gonna speak to them again once I moved out.”
“You humans confuse me. Here in Equestria and even my Hive, family is everything, yet it seems like you humans have very weak familial bonds which can be severed over something as small as a passion. Even I keep in touch with rogue drones of my Hive just to make sure that said rogues are fine and healthy. And if they are not, I send drones to aid them, because at the end of the day, a rogue drone is still my child and I want to look after them.”
“Eh, human families are weird. Sometimes dad’s not in the picture, sometimes mom isn’t. Other times they’re present and hate each other, and other times they’re present and make you wanna kill yourself. It’s not even a fact that familial bonds are weak, which they aren’t, it’s a literal instinct to care for your family’s well being. You see, we humans are terrible, awful, foul creatures that pretend to be better than what we are sometimes.”
Fruit, quit trying to be deep.
“Most of us are also incredibly dumb, like myself, and talk about shit that they don’t know squat about. Really, it’s an odd thing and partially why I wanted to get a psychology degree when I went to college. I could understand what the fuck was wrong, use some basic common sense, and then try and fix what was wrong. Or tell jokes and pretend like the said problem doesn’t exist.”
I took a bite of my fish and… holy shit, who the fuck stuck crack in this shit? Like it’s addictive, flavorful, and incredible! Like the fish, despite me not particularly liking seafood, it had a really nice, melty texture to it. It’s almost like a really fancy, well cooked piece of beef. How would a broke college student know what fancy beef tasted like? I stole some one day and stuck it in the microwave for twelve minutes.
Boy did I have several health problems shortly afterwards.
(Nobody told Fruit that the beef he stole was seven weeks past the expiration date. Not even his doctor that was actually some random actor)
“Yo,” I called a waitress over. Said waitress trotted over to our table and gave me a weary look. “I ain’t gonna yell about you over the food sucking, because it doesn’t, but can I meet the chef? I wanna ask him if he drugged me or something, because this stuff slaps harder than my abusive ex in high school.” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow at that and the waitress nodded.
“You had a girlfriend?” I nodded before snickering. Nah Chryssy, I didn't get to have a girlfriend; I busy being forced to study college level math by my parents.
“I can take you directly to the kitchen if you’d like; the head chef is a bit busy at the moment.” Well, I might as well check this shit out. The unicorn led me across the dining room and down the hall, where a door led to, well, a kitchen. “Be careful, the head chef can be… a bit rough with his language.”
“Oi you idiot! Why the fuck are you trying to microwave that fish? Again? I turned my back for five fucking seconds and you immediately try doing that shit!” That sounded Scottish and angry. “Don’t look at me like an idiot! Go fucking grill that fish before I grill you and serve you to a customer!” The chef was a ram, who looked like if you took some guy named Gordon and had him have sex with a goat. Not gonna lie, he kinda reminds me of a certain Gordon I know of.
“Chef,” the Ram immediately perked up.
“Yes dear, did somebody receive this idiot’s terrible excuse of a fish filet?” The Ram asked.
“No, somepony was hoping to ask if you stuck ‘crack’ in his fish.”
“Yo,” I waved, and the chef offered me a hoof and we shook. “So you’re the guy who made my fish?”
“Yes I did, because this idiot decided to try and serve microwaved food to everybody, like an idiot sandwich!”
“H-he just fell out of the sky and took over my kitchen! I've been berated for six days straight about how I’m a terrible chef!” The poor bastard, who was microwaving a fucking salad, cried as the microwave caught fire. He began to panic and shocked himself when he poured water on it.
How he didn’t die, I dunno. He was an earth pony, so he must be part ground type.
“I could sense a dumbass running a kitchen, and I was right, you fucking donut!” Okay, so Gordon Ramsey may or may not have fallen to the same fate I have, or this guy just acts very similarly. Or Gordon is god and can hop across dimensions. “God damn! I know children who’d cook better than you, you fucking idiot!” The Ram then extinguished the fire and apologized for swearing like a sailor.
“Anyways, I was just stopping by to say that I love what you did with the fish, I’ll get out of your hair. So have a good day!”
“Cheers, mate!” The Ram waved as I quickly returned to where Chrysalis was sitting.
“So, how was the chef?”
“You didn’t hear him cursing like crazy?”
“Oh I did, but he sounds like a lively individual when he isn’t shouting at his apparently incompetent staff.” Both of our eyes slowly drifted over to The Ram dragging out the actual chef who had burnt water somehow, out of the restaurant and out the door. There was also that salad that got microwaved which smelled a lot like sadness and depression.
“Get your sorry ass out of here! And go tell your mum just how fucking sorry you are for being stupid!”
Anyways, we scarfed our food down, well, we ate quickly but savored the food. There was no reason for this to taste so good, and I’ll be sad when I eventually eat again and be heavily disappointed at how sad it is. Unless Chryssy cooks it, then it would be really good. “Tonight went well,” Chrysalis said while snickering at the poor chef, who was now sipping his burnt water and sitting outside.
Like how the fuck did you get past culinary school? Even Squidward would be a better cook than you!
“Yeah it did-“ Chrysalis snatched me up and snarled. “So when’s the next date?” I asked. What? Skitter’s hiding somewhere and I got an overly protective girlfriend; I’m safe from all harm!
“There you are! I’ve been following you for a long time!”
“Who the fuck are you?” I asked.
“I’m Money Snatcher! I broke out of jail, just so I can ruin your day for ruining mine eight months ago!”
“Skitter, don’t,” the Changeling then dropped in from an invisible ceiling(wat), and tilted his head.
“But sir, he’s-“
I then pulled out a calculus textbook and slammed it into Money Snatcher’s face. “Read page one to page four hundred seventy-two, I will test you tomorrow! Study and become the doctor!” Oh, he’s knocked out. Maybe I shouldn’t have slammed the book into Money Snatcher’s head. Will I get sued for assaulting the same pony twice? Probably not since Skitter just dragged Money Snatcher’s body away after wrapping the poor bastard in duct tape.
“Well, study when you become conscious and stuck behind bars, my friend.” Chrysalis snorted before picking me up and hauling me away bridal style.
At least I know who’s wearing the pants in this relationship.
This Isn’t Cannon(bonus chapter)
You know, sometimes I wish I did listen to my parents, not because I love them or want to make them proud, but because of shit like this. You see, I am currently being held by some crazy bitch that wants to make it so the sun never rises somehow; always night. You know, I like stargazing, but you know, as a living organism that eats meat and plants, I need the sun to not die. Man was this bitch insane, and probably really stupid.
So this is how this all happened: woke up after a closing shift at Mcdonalds at a nice, crisp ten in the morning, stretched and did my morning routine. I then sat around the apartment, writing jokes for improv practice since I’m going to school for comedy and an actual degree in psychology. My parents approved of neither since ‘I wouldn’t become the doctor’ and promptly disowned me after I left to live on campus.
You see, this all started at eleven in the morning when it was time for me to head out for my first class of the day. It was gonna be a lecture on the stages of sleep and then a nice, fun round of improv practice. That’s where I went wrong. Some magical nugget decided to say ‘fuck this guy’ and stuck me on a balcony, inside of a building for some reason. Filled with colorful horses, all of which could speak English, and all looked actually intelligent.
Now, am I high? Probably. Am I confused? Yes? Will I know why I ended up on this balcony? No. Every single horse stared and murmured, wondering why the fuck some random dickwad(oh look I am now a horse. What was in the cocaine I bought yesterday?) was standing in place for some hoe named Princess Celestia. Cool, that sounded like somebody who got their ass kicked a lot in high school.
“Oh my Celestia! it’s Nightmare Moon!” Somebody would scream and… low and behind, a pony with fangs, wings, a horn, and battle armor was standing behind me. She wore a dark blue helmet with a horn and reptilian eyes. Okay, maybe I didn’t do cocaine, but I had definitely sniffed some glue and passed out- okay I am being lifted up and crushed by a magical blue force.
That’s when I knew this was real and I smiled with glee… I’m not in New York anymore, I’m in pretty horse land and I was also a horse! Best of all, I am no longer in debt to a college that really wasn’t helping me learn anything useful. Nightmare Moon shouted something about capturing everyone’s favorite princess and- ow, what the fuck? Everything went black for a moment and… now we’re in some ruined castle of some sort.
“My apologies for threatening to squeeze the life out of you, but I needed to instill fear amongst my new-“ I tuned out Nightmare Moon as I noticed that the ceiling had a big ass hole in it… and wowzers, the night sky is really nice. Maybe it’s because this is the first time said night sky wasn’t outshined by all of New York City because people don’t like to sleep in New York. The moon was high and full, and the stars were twinkling a lot.
It almost made me feel proud of being called a twink back in highschool.
“...Are you even listening?” Oh right, psycho bitch that wants eternal night. “Wait, a pony who admires our night sky?” Nightmare asked in what sounded like awe.
“I mean yeah, it is nice. I wanted to be an astronaut growing up, but then my dad told me I was a failure and then proceeded to call me stupid for even considering that as a job,” I chuckled. “Man was he an asshole, but I now realize how smart you’ve gotta be to be an astronaut, and I’m definitely not smart.”
“What is… an astronaut? Forgive us for not knowing what that term means.”
“Oh, people who go to space for a job, humans usually. I dunno if you horses have spaceships yet, but if you do, then that’s pretty cool,” I turned to face Nightmare and… that was a mistake. There were gears churning and moving in the behind those eyes which probably wasn't good given how this lady was more psychotic than a literal murderer trying to get a free Big Mac from me.
“So thou aren’t a pony,” Nightmare Moon’s ears flattened and her head lowered. I’m no pony body reading guru, but even I can tell that this pony was a bit down in the dumps. “It matters not, I still have yet to make amends for kidnapping thou and holding you ransom,” Nightmare then raised her head and walked over to me in a surprisingly regal fashion.
“Well, thou are quite the handsome looking thing? A bit rough around the edges, but I suppose thou will work for what I have in mind,” uh… “We want an heir, after I have fully conquered this land, I would like a child, or multiple children, who will take over for me once my deed is done. And you can-“
“Hold it, what are you even planning?”
“To make eternal night,” Nighty said. What? Nightmare Moon is a mouthful.
“Well, that is a really dumb idea,” I said casually. I ignored the glare Nighty was giving me. “So why do you want an eternal night? I'm just curious. I need to know so I can understand how to approach this.”
“Nopony admires our night! Not a single, damned pony. I have spent so much time crafting a lively night sky for all to admire, and what does everypony do? Shun away the stars! Shun the moon! Hate me! Every single, damned pony hates my night and loves my sister’s day! My subjects-“ she dropped the ‘royal we’. Interesting. “Have even come up with such ridiculous claims such as monsters lurking in my night and are out to kill their children.”
“How long ago was this?”
“A thousand years ago.”
“Ah, that would make sense. Back at home there’s similar stories, but the reality is, people and ponies came up with shit like that to keep their children in line. How likely was it that somebody would… get mauled by a bear while out in the woods? While at night?” I asked.
“Quite a lot, a thousand years ago.”
“So you would see why adults would tell their kids stuff like that? It’s to keep them safe. And for the whole eternal night thing, you mostly eat plants, right?” Nightmare nodded. “Plants have this shit inside them called chlorophyll, which really just boils down to ‘it makes plants green’. They become green so they can absorb sunlight that becomes said plants’ food. Essentially an eternal night would probably kill everybody, which is why it is a dumb idea.”
“Oh…” Nightmare fell on her rump and looked so… so… sad with that being said. “We… see the error in our ways, but we are far too gone-“ I wobbled over to Nightmare(never had four legs before, fuck you for calling me clumsy) and grabbed hold of her muzzle with my hooves. “What are you doing? Unhoof me- oh that feels nice,” Nightmare began to pur as I rubbed her muzzle and flopped on her side.
Wow, ponies here were like giant cats.
Anyways I kept petting Nightmare Moon until I heard a series of voices and…
“There you are- what the hay?” A purple pony looked completely confused. I would too if I saw somebody, who was apparently going to be a crazy, tyrannical dictator that can apparently make the sun never rise again, lying on their back while I her rubbed belly. Nightmare had her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth in pure bliss as my hooves worked up and down her body, rubbing in various places.
Not in those dirty places, pervert.
“Once we take over the world, thou will be appointed to-“ a flash of light happened and now Nightmare Moon was… a dark blue, smaller alicorn that looked less psychopathic. “As the Royal Groomer, this feels nice…” Nighty said as she continued to lean into my hooves.
“He… just… what?”
“Well, that was… not what I was expecting,” some tall, white alicorn appeared out of… wherever the fuck, and stood over me and Nigjtmare. The pony quickly realized and looked up with fear. “Sister! I-I…” she looked incredibly embarrassed, and shot a glare at me. I stopped in a heartbeat and chuckled.
“Welcome home, Luna.”
Ah, they hugged and everybody got to live happily ever after! Well, not me, Luna’s sister was now glaring at me while the six smaller ponies glared at me too. “So, explain to me how you managed to defeat Nightmare Moon?” Celestia asked.
“I’m working towards a psychology degree back at home, and I pick up on ways to help people. Told Luna, or Nightmare why people didn’t like her night a thousand years ago, and then petted her for a few hours straight. Really, I won’t understand what the fuck was said, in regards to ‘crafting the night’, but I do know something simple; even the world’s smallest violin needs an audience, m’am.”
“Well… thank you for saving my sister from the Nightmare, you have my thanks. Is there any way I can repay you?”
“Nah, I only got sucked out of my dimension, snatched up by Luna, and then dragged here against my will. I only need to figure out how the fuck I, a human, can live as a horse, and probably find somewhere to live now that I’m no longer in college.”
“Something will be arranged for you then… May I know your name?”
“Fruit Punch.”
(Four years later)
“So, why did you turn into Daybreaker today?”
“Some nitwit asked me if I could extinguish the sun.”
“Ah, well, here. Lemme just say… go on fucking vacation, woman!”
“Why? I have duties I must attend to!”
“You told me you haven’t had a day off in… fucking centuries! Go on vacation! Relax on a beach, lock yourself in a room, do something relaxing!” Daybreaker rubbed her chin.
“Okay… I will go on vacation. Can you at least groom me like you do when Luna turns into Nightmare Moon? It would help me feel a bit relaxed.”
“Yeah, whatever. Just don’t set me on fire with your mane and tail and we’ll be good.”
(Later that week)
“We are here to pay our respects to Fruit Punch, he got set on fire by my sister’s hair, and died,” Princess Luna read off of a piece of paper before tossing it and running away while screaming. The paper immediately burnt to ashes and so did Luna. And so did everybody who attended the funeral. Chrysalis, Discord, everyone died. Thanks to Fruit making it so the elements never realized their purpose, Daybreaker now had free reign over the world, and it quickly turned into the apocalypse and…
“And everyone dies, the end!!” Fruit said from within his coffin. “Good thing this isn’t canon, eh? At least I get a girlfriend in canon!”
Author's Note
I know this is on the shorter side, but I figured this would be a funny thing to have. It’s obviously not canon to the rest of the story, but I wanna experiment with what would happen if Fruit had entered Equestria and a different period of time.
Originally I was going to have Fruit actually fist fight Nightmare Moon, but this felt more in tune with what Fruit would do. That or I woulda had him just use a glock to kill Twilight and take over the world with Nightmare Moon at his side.
Hope this gave you a chuckle, goodnight.
Also don’t worry, actual, canon chapters won’t be this short.
Wow, politics, so fun. So, Shining Armor is now in well enough of a condition to take part in the fun meetings, and apparently we were meeting with several other world leaders. For instance, there were goats, actual horses(which all looked like Celestia except slightly taller and lacked horns and wings), griffons, and whatever the fuck else. The most fun thing was everybody was giving the stink eye to Chrysalis even though she hadn’t done anything to them, or anybody for that matter. I was slightly mad since that attention was then brought onto me for being the ambassador of the Hive, but not because I was dating said apparently hated Changeling Queen.
Just looking at Chrysalis, I could tell just how close she was to walking out of the meeting room, which looked eerily similar to the senate room in Star Wars with less technology, with Celestia and Luna sitting in the middle of the room hearing terms and whatnot as various world leaders gave their piece for why accepting the Hive as state of Equestria would be a good or bad thing for them. “Hey Chryssy, mind telling me what changelings can be useful for? I know you guys would make for good spies, but uh… I need some extra…” wait, I got an idea.
“Well, most Changelings are well versed in many things, we had to in order to keep ourselves hidden,” Chrysalis rubbed her chin. “Tell me, Fruit, you’ve spent a large amount of time around us, what do you see in us?”
“From what I’ve seen, Changelings have a work ethic unlike any other, like to the point of getting shit down to the nano hoof. Like I’ve seen Scatter working out a budget for when I eventually start a pizza stand or restaurant, and Skitter can get pizza cooking down to the nanosecond.” I chuckled. “Like it is scary at just how good Skitter is at timing shit,” I pecked Chrysalis on the cheek. “Plus they’re pretty,” I chuckled when Chrysalis buried her nose into a piece of paper, like she was reading a legal document, but I could see how red she was becoming.
It was kinda fun, knowing that I can make a thousand year old bug queen, who has seen it all in terms of dating, blush. Mostly because it made her look even cuter. “And you guys are absurdly loyal, you could probably attach a drone or two to Celestia and they’ll do literally anything for her,” I pointed at Scatter, who was trying to pester some random Crystal Guard for his helmet. “Or just try and get her to play depending on the situation.”
“Please welcome ambassador Fruit of the Badlands Hive to the stand,” Celestia said with a warm smile on her face. Oh son of a bitch, I didn’t have anything prepared, I was too busy drinking super booze to calm my nerves, so my decision making might be really bad. I walked to the center of the room after I quickly chewed on some dandelions, which had a similar effect to weed, and cleared my throat once in the center of the room.
“So like, with the Badlands Hive now being a part of Equestria, you won’t have to worry about our changelings invading your country and taking over it. Like, changelings just like being near their queen, who will be mostly stationed in Canterlot, so most of our changelings will remain in Canterlot. Uh… yeah, that’s really it. Changelings are great workers, so trading might go up if we have a few ships built by said changelings.
“Skitter?” My bodyguard dropped down from the ceiling and expertly landed right beside me. I pulled out a model ship that I’ve yet to put together. “Put this together without-“ I blinked, and Skitter had put the entire model together. “Magic… alright, thank you Skitter,” I patted my buddy on the back. “You see, tell a changeling to do something and they’ll find a very efficient way of doing it. So you guys can even borrow a few changelings and they can help y’all out in exchange for some love.”
“Or food, but love is preferred,” Skitter said. A lot of murmuring went on, but I think I sort of guessed where this was going. Chryssy said other countries saw Celly as a god, right? So what if-
“So Princess Celestia, can you tell us what you think of this arrangement?” One of the horses asked.
“Well, I do believe all of what Fruit said is true, and as long as Chrysalis allows it, you can borrow a changeling or two lend a hoof in any project you need,” Celestia smiled as she pulled Scatter away from a guard, who she was just about to kiss, and levitated the confused drone up. “Changelings are relatively harmless unless you threaten their Queen, and they are very cooperative as long as what you ask of them also falls in line with what their queen asks of them.”
“You have my vote!” One after another, everybody in the room voted on… wasn’t this supposed to be just Celestia introducing this whole arrangement to her allies before this went fully public? Like what the fuck, this isn’t a democracy, because what are you gonna do if you disagree with this? We have deadly rainbows, celestial body-controlling alicorns, and most of you worship said alicorns.
Also if anybody disagreed, their mode of transport will mysteriously have a pipe bomb on said modes of transport. Because I didn’t just get high and do a really shitty speech for nothing, asshats. For the love of god, Bo Jack, you horse, shut the fuck up already. I don’t care about your plans for borrowing changelings to start an industrial revolution.
Especially since you said you wanted to take Skitter and Scatter. You don’t touch my drones, they’re mine for a reason- why am I calling them my drones? Technically they were Chrysalis’s, but I’m also dating Chrysalis. So does that technically make them mine? I dunno, but they’re my favorite bug horses besides the literal Queen that I’m dating, and I’m not letting some stupid horse take them!
Anyways, the whole thing was over and there was a surprising amount of support behind the integration of the Hive into Equestria. There was just one catch for that though. “We can’t have that wretch leading the changelings if they are to integrate into Equestria! She seduced my great grandfather and robbed him almost a hundred years ago!” A griffon yelled.
“Ah, that would have been my sister, Thistle,” Chrysalis then produced a photo of said sibling who looked a lot like herself, but with crimson hair and wings. She also looked a bit taller and more hole filled. Wow, Thistle was somehow taller than Chryssy. “I have nearly a hundred siblings running around Equus, doing their own things with their own Hives. I must apologize for my younger sister’s misdeeds on her behalf, as she was always the more… mischievous of my siblings.” Chrysalis then produced another photo of what looked like herself as a foal alongside at least fifty other changelings, who lacked the singular colored eyes that most drones do.
“If you all would like, I can provide details into my siblings’ whereabouts so you may deal with them as you please, but I simply request that you do not harm any of them. Aside from Thistle, who likes to bite griffons’ heads off, most of them pull minor pranks at most,” Chrysalis sounded very professional with all of this, but one side glance would tell you that she wanted to go down and sip on some tea. Maybe I should give her my dandelions. Because drugging Chrysalis worked out super well.
(shortly after the events of ‘Chrysalis reads my diary’)
“C’mere Fruit… I wanna hug you and kiss you and love you!” Chrysalis said while holding a mug of my specially brewed, magically enhanced, vodka. Boy was she extra affectionate on that day and also really bad at controlling her strength. She knocked the wind out of me by just hugging me ‘gently’ while drunk. Also Celestia and Luna passed out upon immediately drinking the alcohol. How I didn’t get put in jail for drugging them is beyond me, but Luna said I made a really tasty drink hence my current freedom in the future.
(present day)
“That… would be helpful, but we still believe you are unfit to rule your hive,” the griffon crossed his arms like a stupid little kid that was having a tantrum.
“Aren’t you also… basically blind?” What? For some reason there was just an arrow in the griffon’s eye and he had an eye patch over the other.
“Shut it! Unless you would like to settle this in a duel?” Shining Armor, who was sitting a couple seats down from me, winced at that. You see, even if Shining had recovered from my little beating, he still had to wear a cast on his left foreleg, and had several splinters from the wooden sword that I used to beat him over the head with. The captain then turned to me, whimpered, and Cadence hugged her husband while glaring at me. Wow, I am such a nice guy that I gave a man Vietnam War flashbacks from a simple sparring match.
Be lucky that I didn’t have my shotgun, pretty pony man.
“Don’t mind my uncle, he’s just a little cranky without his coffee,” a female griffon sat right behind her uncle, but had moved forward to keep him from doing anything stupid.
“Well, even if Mr. Feather Duster objects, most, if not everypony here agrees that the Hive’s integration would either be beneficial, or wouldn’t be harmful in any way, so your opinion is overruled by the majority.” What was happening again? I need to stop sniffing dandelions and start inhaling paint more; I remember more stuff while high on paint. Oh right, politics, let’s just… skip past a couple of weeks shall we?
Segways are weird and very hard.
A couple weeks later, I’m sitting inside my home in Canterlot, working on my latest invention. You see, it turns out that I don’t know how to make a musket, so I made a pipe bomb, but kept the explosive shit(which was actually shit, like cow shit) at the end of it. So if I were to stick this in a pipe with a closed end, then I could in fact, make my own version of a gun. Making this is kinda pointless since the Elements of Harmony exist and can defeat basically anything that decides to be evil, but those keep people alive for some reason instead of just killing them.
Like I’m all for it keeping Princess Luna from being a dead corpse, but stuff like Tirek, the magic eating centaur, needs to get shot on sight. One thing or another, and with a lot of help from Skitter or Scatter, who had somehow picked up on welding skills in a day to help me with this project, and my… bootleg musket is done. One compartment opens up for the pipe bomb to go in, and then you stick a metal ball in it, which, thanks to the grooves within the barrel(something I learnt in history class and randomly remembered), goes at about… really fast. Can’t wait to test this thing out only for it to fall flat on my face.
A knock on my door brought me away from my project(Skitter shot a rock with the musket we built and Scatter immediately began working on another one), and I quickly went to open the door. “Ah, Chrysalis, I assume you’re here to drag me away on another date?” Wait, why was Chrysalis’s eyes a slightly different color than usual? Like usually they’re acid green, and now they are now more… harsh green in color. “Yo, are you sick?” Chrysalis started cackling before turning towards the door.
“Sister! You should’ve told me you had chosen such a cute stallion to be your mate!” ‘Chrysalis’ then barged in, and then was quickly engulfed in green flames. Now what stood before me was a shorter Queen Chrysalis, but with light blue hair, those harsh, green eyes… and was she slightly shorter than the actual Chrysalis, who had popped her head in through the door. She waved at me while giving me an awkward smile and I trotted around the newcomer to meet her.
“Hey Chrysalis, why does it look like you cloned yourself and then had your clone dye her hair blue?”
“Ah Chryssy! You never told him about your siblings?” the newcomer raised a hoof to her chest. “Dearest me! You could have at least told him about your favorite, eldest sister, Chrysalis.”
“I was going to tell him, but then you charged for his home at the very mention of me having a potential mate again,” Chrysalis’s pupils slowly drifted towards my direction. “And you best not try to swipe him from me, Scuttle, he is mine.” Chrysalis then took the opportunity to pull me closer to her with a foreleg and keep her eyes locked on her sibling. “And for the love of Celestia, do not let Thistle know about Fruit Punch, she’ll bite his head off after forcing him to bed her. And I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I would like to keep Fruit until his time comes.”
“Uh… what the fuck are you guys talking about? I know Chryssy has a bunch of siblings, but like, what was that about Thistle coming and biting my head off?”
And… a red beam smashed through my roof, Scatter and Skitter immediately ran for cover underneath my bed and I scrambled over to the musket I built, and slid a pipe bomb and metal ball into the compartment.
“I already know, Chrysalis!” Now standing in front of the fridge, and looking in it, was a changeling that was almost a tiny bit shorter than Scuttle, and had… crimson red hair. Well, if my very good memory has anything to say about this, I assume this is Thistle. Well, I don’t need my gun at least, which is a shame that I couldn’t test it out on a live test subject.
Thistle slammed my fridge’s door shut after downing an entire gallon(or stallion in pony measurements) of apple cider… god fucking dammit! That was Great Apple Acres cider! That was my favorite non-alcoholic cider you bitch! Well shit, I can’t do anything but sit here since there are approximately three Changeling Queens, all of which can put me in a body bag, and only one of them was willing to protect me. Skitter scrambled out from under the bed and scrambled on over to Thistle before pulling her into a bear hug. Scatter remained under the bed.
“And there’s my favorite little drone from the Badland’s Hive! And you’ve grown an inch taller in the last five years!”
“I think I’ll go spend the day helping Celly in day court-” oh sick, now I’m being pulled by three different magical signatures. Oh that is a nice stretch. “Okay this is not a good stretch, lemme go! Ah son of a fucking bitch! I feel my arm being ripped out of my socket! Fuck! Stop!” In an instant, two magic signatures dissipated and I was in the arms of Chryssy, and… hey, my arm isn’t out of its socket because I can still move it. “Ah, that feels so much better!” I rested my head on Chrysalis’s chest.
Being burnt alive by Daybreaker felt better than whatever the fuck just happened.
“So, what can I get my two dearest sisters?” Chrysalis was giving a poor attempt to hide her annoyance. “Because I will kick your asses for trying to tug at Fruit at the same time I was!” Alright, time for magical booze, because I really do not feel like understanding what the fuck is going on. “Fruit, go hang out with Princess Celestia for the day while I have a word with my sisters about why they shouldn’t lay a hoof on you.” And… no room for argument, since I’m now sitting next to Celestia’s throne.
The sun princess was sitting, supporting her head with a hoof, while she listened to some idiot ask about what looked like some basic math problems before he turned and left. “Ah Fruit, Chrysalis told me to expect you sometime this week, as she has family matters that involve you not being present. Do you want to help me take part in day court?” Celestia looked bored and annoyed, even if she was doing a good job at hiding it from me. Lady, you need a day off.
“Go spend a day in the royal spa or something, Celly. You look like you’re about to punt somebody to the moon,” I patted her back. “I can take over court for you, and whatever else you’ve gotta do. So go, enjoy yourself for the rest of the day. Anything I can’t handle, I’ll ask you to look at tomorrow, sounds fair?” Celestia rubbed her chin for a few moments before shrugging.
“Well, what is the worst that can happen?” She then vanished from sight as the next pony walked in.
(Celestia’s POV)
I teleported away into a side room of the throne room, which had a magical, crystal ball that I used to spy on certain ponies. I zapped the ball with some magic, and it immediately went to my desired target. Fruit Punch was sitting on the throne, listening to a mare, an earth pony, complain about a court case that didn’t go in her favor, while Fruit read the legal documents. “So… you lost a case against your cousin, who got the rights to a carrot farm from their dad, right? That’s what this court document says.”
“Yeah! It’s not fair!”
Fruit shrugged. “Well, your cousin’s dad, and your uncle, chose his kid over you, any reason or that?”
“I… no!” The mare paused while Fruit’s eyes bore into her very soul. “Okay… My cousin is faster at working the carrot farm than I am, but my father told me that my uncle was going to give me the farm when he passed away!”
“It says that your uncle got murdered… Carrot Peeler. I assume that you didn’t have anything to do with that, right?”
“Who are you to make assumptions? You’re not Princess Celestia or Princess Luna!” I felt my crown disappear from my head and it promptly fell on Fruit’s head. “No, but I’m standing in for the Crown today. I can’t say you murdered somebody because that’s just blatant slander, but uh, you weren’t chosen to own the farm. And by law, any and all property either falls to the spouse of the owner, or the owner’s closest family should anything happen to the property owner. A cousin is a more distant relative than somebody’s daughter, stupid. Get the fuck out and go home. If you have a problem with this, then talk to Luna during night court.”
“This is bullshit! I’ll get you for this!” None of the guards made a move when Carrot Peeler charged at Fruit, only to have a brick be tossed at her, which nailed her in the head.
“Man, I wish I was allowed to do this at Mcdonalds! This is way more fun!” Fruit chuckled as Carrot was dragged off to the dungeons.
Well, Fruit seems to have gotten a solid grasp on Equestria law. Impressive.
(Fruit’s POV)
I’m being honest, I’m pulling this all out of my ass, help. This was a mistake, I’m gonna have a panic attack- I quickly ate a couple dandelions and steeled myself.
(Back to Sunbutt)
“Next,” somepony I recognized, one of the richer ponies in Canterlot walked in, and he was blowing steam. The only thing I noted was that he was a unicorn. “Name, problem, no bullshit or I’ll chuck this brick at you and ignore your case.”
“My four-hundred bit coats aren’t selling, and I would like a loan to help promote them!” The noble shouted. Fruit looked like he was slowly analyzing this stallion… for a pony without thousands of years of experience with reading body language, Fruit was reading every little movement of the noble and taking it into account.
“Curve your attitude, nerd. Can I see these designs-” Fruit got whacked in the face by a pure, white coat. Oddly, nopony is that rude to me whenever I’m running day court. “Sir, this feels like it was made out of nothing,” Fruit then ripped the jacket in half with his hooves. “It’s actually made out of nothing,” he chuckled. “It’s low quality, costs a fuck ton, and has a boring design. Sir, I’ve seen condoms with more thought poured into them than this.”
“Ha! Gotcha! That’s five hundred bits for ripping apart that display jacket!”
“Ah, blackmail. Here, let me return the favor then.” Oh dear, Fruit, what are you going to do? My substitute then pulled out… a walkie talkie, and whispered something into it. When did Fruit get the time to do- Luna teleported into the throne room while wearing a sleeping cap. Fruit made a comment about Luna looking adorable, which she did, before moving onto business.
“Hey Lulu, this guy just attempted to blackmail me, and I’m standing in for your sister. What’s a good punishment? Because I wanna break his legs and chuck him in the Everfree,” Fruit, what the hay is wrong with you? And why is it so entertaining to watch the noble slowly shrink back in fear as Luna begins to rub her chin.
“Well, it is better than the death sentence, do as you please Fruit, you currently have the highest authority in Equestria, after all.”
“Can you teleport him to the Everfree Forest then? This guy’s a bit fat and would take a lot of effort for me to move.”
“Hey!”
“Shut the fuck up, you fucking Dobbin!”
Fruit, that is a slur.
“You can either get the hell outta here, or I break your legs, castrate you, and leave you in the Everfree!” The noble nodded as soon as Luna started giving him the stink eye, and ran out of the room.
I need popcorn.
Celestia Hijacked this Chapter
(Celestia’s pov)
I sat back down in my seat after microwaving popcorn, Day Court would still be running for another three hours, and Fruit Punch was now in the same position I was a mere ten minutes ago. After dealing with Carrot Peeler, who was likely serving jail time for attempted murder, and dealing with a snobby pony that tried to black mail him, the next couple of ponies seemed to bore him as they talked. Quite a few ponies stepped away from Day Court after realizing I would no longer be hosting for the evening.
“Alright so, let me get this straight,” Fruit pointed at a mare, who had come to Day Court over a property dispute. “You say you own some land that your neighbor also claims to own, you have zero legal documents, and your neighbor does?” Fruit facehoofed, and chuckled. “Because this document says that your land and your neighbor’s land is nicely divided by a nice, long fence.”
“Yes, but-“
“Don’t argue with the legal documents, you dickhead. You are dismissed,” Fruit grabbed a brick. “And get the fuck out without arguing, or I’ll lob this at your head,” he threatened. The dull look in Fruit’s eyes told me that he was not sober and had probably managed to drink alcohol before I had returned with my popcorn. The sad thing is, if Fruit is drunk, then he is running this country better than actual politicians when they take my place for the day.
“Next.”
“Oh, so you’re the one ruining Day Court for everypony!” Oh dear, my nephew, the annoying one, not Shining Armor, Prince Blueblood, trotted into the room accompanied by several guards. “I heard that you yelled at my friend over a business issue, and I would like to understand why a peasant is taking care of day court instead of my aunt.” Meanwhile, Fruit had… a can of beer and was sipping out of it.
“Did he say something about how I ripped an ‘expensive’ jacket that was specifically for displaying shit?”
“Yes! His jackets were doing terribly, and he asked for a loan-“
Fruit whipped out a small device and hit a button on it. “Hold on, don’t know how to operate buttons this small with a hoof- oh right, head penis equals magic!” The device was lifted up in Fruit’s magical grasp, which looked much stronger than it had when… actually, I don’t think I’ve seen Fruit’s magic in action beyond when I tested it- Chrysalis probably taught him, of course she would. She probably loved doing it.
The device then began to play what… sounded like an audio recording of the entire conversation that he had with the previous noble. “Had this just in case Celestia wants proof that I didn’t just tell twenty people to fuck off. Well, I did, but I’ve been through about three or four people excluding you. The only good one to come through was some guy asking about how to do algebra. The rest were bullshit.” Darn it! I missed that one.
“Your buddy tried to blackmail me… whoever the fuck you are,” Fruit’s eyes widened. “Wait, aunt? How the fuck are you related to Celestia or Luna? Like you look like you shove soup ladles up your arse for five hours a day for fun, while kissing your own ass for another hour, and then having your ass be kissed by your fuck buddies for another three hours. Tell me, Dobbin,” I need to ask how Fruit managed to know that slur. “Why the fuck should I care-“
Chrysalis, and two of her siblings, Thistle(partially why myself and Chrysalis broke up. I didn’t want to be bitten by Thistle. And Chrysalis didn’t want to see me get bitten) and Scuttle. I think so at least, it was a little hard to tell the difference, but there were slight physical differences and huge personality differences between Chrysalis and her various siblings. Thistle glared at Blueblood for a moment, before gagging in disgust. “Oh god! He tastes like a huge ego!”
“Oh hey Chryssy, how’s it going with the family?”
“That’s it! I’ve had enough of you pretending like you know what you’re doing. You know this is daycourt, yes? I am your current petitioner, so you give me your full, undivided attention.”
“You skipped the mare that was supposed to be in front of you, and the whole twenty other people in front of you. Scatter told me by the way.” One of Fruit’s Guards flopped down from the ceiling. “So I don’t gotta listen to your dumbass. Go eat a dick or something, I dunno, and maybe you…” Blueblood slapped Fruit in the face with a glove and all three changeling queens growled, and so did Fruit’s guard.
“Do not harm Fruit-“ Thistle backed up when Fruit used a hoof to back her up a bit. “Hey! I’m trying to make sure you’re still alive before you bed my sister!” What?
“Nah, the dumbfuck just challenged me to a duel. Hold on. Plus he’ll spin this on you somehow, some way, and then thinks he can get away with it because his aunt is a Princess.” Fruit then looked Blueblood in the eye. “Ah, big, strong earth pony- nevermind, didn’t notice the horn, that’s taller than the average stallion… I see why you think you’d be confident in kicking my ass, but let me tell you.” Fruit picked Blueblood up with his magic, while Blueblood himself was telling Fruit Punch to put him down.
“I’m a wee bit drunk, and I really don’t feel like dealing with you. Scatter, frying pan, please.” Fruit’s guard turned into a big frying pan and slammed into my nephew, instantly knocking him out. Fruit, what are you doing with that ‘self pleasure’ device? Oh my goodness, Fruit just shoved a carrot into Blueblood's nose. An actual carrot, not a dildo. “Guards, please take our prince to his room and hold him there. I’m going to beat his ass with a belt when I speak to him again.” The guards looked at each other, shrugged, and nodded.
“Next!” Fruit crushed the can of beer with his magic as the last pony came in, a wall-eyed pegasus I have seen around Ponyville, on occasion, in Canterlot running mail. I believe that was Ditzy, or Derpy. It’s hard to tell since one name always made mothers angry. Fruit waved. “Yo, how’s your day going?”
“It’s been going good, sir. Uh… where is Princess Celestia?”
“She’s off on vacation at the moment, and I’m covering her. Do you need… Well, actually, you’re here. So what do you need help with?” Fruit raised his voice up an octave and it… sounded friendlier than usual. Even a touch softer, like the stallion was trying to be inviting. Chrysalis raised an eye ridge, probably never hearing Fruit’s voice like that.
“Uh… for some reason, my boss won’t pay me. It’s been two months since my last paycheck and, while my husband has told me I don’t need to work a day in my life when I’m with him, I’d like to get paid, so it doesn’t look like I’m just using my husband for my own personal gain.”
Ditzy then produced documents that Fruit read over, and even asked Chrysalis if they were legitimate. Chrysalis nodded in approval and the human-turned pony sighed.
“And it’s tradition that the mare’s the breadwinner, eh?” Fruit asked. Odd, I didn’t think Fruit would know that. He isn’t the type that would scream ‘scholar’, but he was apparently in an advanced class for psychology before ending up in Equestria, so I could’ve been wrong with my initial assumption. “Aight, Ditzy was it?” The mare nodded. “Did you bring your boss here? Because to me, it sounds like he’s scamming the fuck out of you because… no offense, but he may just think you’re dumb enough to not notice the severe lack of money coming your way from delivering the mail.
“And clearly, you’ve noticed.” Fruit grabbed a piece of paper, scribbled in it, and all of a sudden, it popped in front of me. “Please send me a copy of whatever the fuck is needed to demand payment with your signature. I know what it’s like to not get paid for the work I put in, so I would like to make sure this lady in your court gets her money. Also, sorry if I interrupted any relaxation time, I just want to make sure there is no way to dispute my solution.” Well then, here I was expecting Fruit to yell at everypony, but he had actually stepped up and is trying to help out a genuine issue. Without hesitation, I summoned the proper documents and signed them all, before sending them Fruit’s way.
Chrysalis then belched and the documents flew into Fruit’s hooves. “Give this to your boss,” Fruit skimmed each page. “It’s an immediate notice to pay you for two month’s worth of work. No ifs, ands, or buts. It has to be all at once, or he will be receiving a notice from the crown. And if he still refuses, give me his home address. I got something I wanna test out anyways, and he’ll be the test subject if he doesn’t comply.” Ditzy ran up and hugged Fruit once handed the documents.
“Now I wish you were an actual Prince! This is way more than I would’ve expected when I came here today!” Ditzy let go, rubbed the back of her head. “Sorry for intruding on your personal space… it’s just that nobody would help me for so long, because they think I’m lying even if I show them legitimate proof that I haven’t been paid.”
“I get where you’re coming from, which is why I’m making sure you get paid. Worked in a grocery store for a bit, but never got paid a dime because the owner claimed I didn’t work in the store after he hired me. It pissed me the fuck off, and I can only imagine would it would be like to have that happen for two months straight. Even if your husband has an extremely reliable income, and can make it so you never have to work, you still work. And if you’re refused what you’ve earned, then that’s plain wrong, even without it being illegal to not pay your employees.”
“Now go tell your boss to pay you,” Fruit zapped the legal documents with a spell. “And now these won’t get lost and should always be within reach even if they’re on the table. Just think about how you’ll need them, and they’ll be there for ya!” That is… rather smart, Fruit. Why the hay are you more level headed while drunk than when you’re sober? Or are you always like this, but pretend to be stupid to- that is exactly what he’s doing.
Ditzy planted a kiss, which elicited a very quiet growl from Chrysalis, on Fruit’s cheek.
(Fruit’s POV)
Bro, what the fuck am I doing?
(Back to Celestia)
“And make sure you don’t try to drop a chair on your sister as a prank. You could kill her.” Fruit said after ending day court to attend some other meetings.
“Having fun, sister?” I jumped when Luna began to sit down next to me, and watched as Fruit sat in a meeting about budgeting. He was reading something while Mr. Pennywise talked about his budget proposal. Chrysalis and her siblings have long since left his side, but his guard was on standby with a frying pan. “Ah budgeting, you should allow me to just take care of that; I can do it far, far better than most of the ponies at that table.”
“That you could, Lulu, but the snobs would get mad about having to stay up until midnight just to attend a meeting.”
“Shut the fuck up!” Fruit yelled. Both mine and Luna’s eyes widened. “Why the fuck is well over half the budget going into the Royal Vault? Like I get that we need money to fuel this shit, but the Royal Vault is for, well, Royal, personal use. Explain to me why Celestia and Luna, two of the richest ponies in Equestria, need over two million bits for themselves? There’s already six billion bits in the safe! Give the sisters like five hundred thousand, or something, I don’t fucking know! Like put the rest of that shit into stuff like roads, education, literally anything that isn’t just lining up the rulers’ pockets so you can try and win them over!
“Like a fourth of the budget is already going to you dumbfucks, so tell me, how much of this actually goes into making people’s lives better?”
“About ten percent, sir, but-”
“Shut the fuck up. Take half of what’s going into the Royal Vault and put it towards orphans, education, and improving a town’s way of life. Like one month, we take some random town, like Salt Lick, improve something, like the roads, then the next, we move to Ponyville and maybe build something like better water pipes! That town’s whole economy is based on farming, so that would help them out a bit! I also don’t need to hear your dumbass speak if you’re gonna give me papers to read, anyways, you dobbins!”
Every single politician in the room gasped. “You can’t say that!”
“I don’t give a fuck if I can’t say that, since I don’t even know what it means. I’m here to do business, and you’re spending half a fucking hour talking about why sucking up to the Sisters with money would work. What, do you have a fuckin’ crush on Luna and hope you can use her own subjects’ money to woo her? Your entire personality is ‘I take money, spend it on shit, and spend it horribly’ you aren’t gonna woo a fucking potted plant with that shit, Mr. Pennywise.”
“Now, take this budget proposal, which I have just sent a copy to Celestia for review, and know that this will be the budget. Anybody who disagrees with it can take it up with Celly, or be Celestia herself and make changes to it because you’re a princess!” With that, a copy of said budget landed in my hooves and I began to read it:
Education: forty percent.
It was much simpler than an actual budget for a country, but it was something I could modify to make it more robust at a later date. I… never knew so much money was going into mine and Luna’s personal funds. It was based on percentages rather than a fixed number, which helped out in actually budgeting due to taxes varying from year to year. And… Fruit just walked into the Defense and Security meeting.
“Aight, who’s the dumbfuck that’s in charge of this shit? Because I’m going to kick their ass for such a stupid training course! Forty pushups, no weight lifting, a two thousand hoofstep-long sprint, and… that’s it? What the fuck? Bro, where’s the weapon training? How about tactical and field practice? Like dude, how do you know fucked would you all be without the Elements or two goddesses in your country? I could single handedly take down this whole kingdom and-” the new Captain, who was now taking over the guard with Shining armor being stationed in the Crystal Empire, started backing out of the room as Fruit went on his tirade.
Then Fruit’s neck snapped as his head swiveled around to face said captain.
“You aren’t going home, sir. You’re going to sit the fuck down and tell me every little detail on how the Royal Guard is ran. Because during the wedding invasion, several changelings were spying on your fucking predecessor by stealing some armor! No disguise, nothing! Just some royal guard armor, and they could spy on Captain Armor! Be honest and I might not beat you over the head with Celestia’s horseshoe.” Captain Mace nodded before spilling every little detail, with Fruit beating his head into the table upon every ‘dumb idea’ he’s heard.
Fruit threw a chair at the stallion and left, screaming about how Equestria is doomed.
(Fruit’s POV)
You fucking tell me, that the Royal Guard, hires anybody, and then doesn’t train them properly? Like they work out and are then told to spar with each other for six hours! Like bro, a one on one is way different from being shot at by somebody hiding in a bush! You need to teach people strategy! Have them play fucking chess, have them work with essentially nothing out in the wilderness and watch them! Instead they get told to sit on their asses and get told propaganda about how unstoppable your country is.
I walked back into what was essentially a military meeting. “Stop being fucking complacent in where you stand in the world, Captain. Keep changing, keep adapting. If Queen Chrysalis, somebody whose country is going to be a protectorate of your state, can train every single citizen in her Hive to be ready to fight while being more tactically advanced than the military looking over her Hive, then you have a problem. Because if Chryssy wanted to, she could burn this country to the ground while only having two thousand changelings at her disposal!”
I stepped back out and sighed. My magical booze is running out and I’m about ready to slit my wrist.
God this country is so fucked.
Oh great, a meeting on… why is there a meeting about friendship? Fuck it, I opened the door and tossed a brick at whoever I thought was leading it, and left. I need more dandelions.
Off in Celestia’s secret room, she snorted and began to choke on her tea while Luna was laughing her ass off. Many tissues were used.
Author's Note
So I was originally going to have six ponies come in at some point and have them all give stupid reasons for being in day court. Instead, I wanted to have Fruit yell at a couple politicians and Prince Blueblood for a bit.
Hopefully this didn’t suck.
View Online
I’m Going to kill the Princess of Friendship, Whoever They Are
So uh, for some reason the government shut down. Like Celestia, just in the middle of day court, shut down the whole government. As for why, I don’t know, but I don’t care since that got me out of a meeting I had to attend with Chrysalis later. As for what I’m doing now, with all the free time in the world? Well, I decided to see how far I could teleport and made my way down to Ponyville in a matter of seconds. It’s been like… three months since I’ve been here, so that’s pretty- why the fuck is Rarity moving a cloud with her magic?
How in the actual fuck did… Why did she think moving a cloud was a good idea? Also why the fuck is Twilight dancing on a table, singing about how the day was going to be perfect, and nothing could go wrong? Twilight, look at your goddamn friend, who has your other friend’s cutie mark, and fucking fix said friend. Because uh, I don’t think Rarity should have Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark, if I’m being real with you. I mean, it is possible if you use a really sharp carrot peeler, but even then I don’t think that would work.
Twilight finally took notice of what the fuck was wrong with Rarity and began running around town! Why was Rarity singing at the top of her lungs- I can hear Fluttershy singing in the distance, Rainbow Dash, the whole fucking bag of Skittles, singing as loudly as possible, like they’re trying to harmonize with each other from across town. It was kinda impressive given that they were singing a whole chorus with each other from across town from one another, but also, what the hell is happening?
You know what, I don’t- Twilight barreled into me, and I went tumbling to the ground. “Oh dear Celestia! I’m sorry Fruit, I didn’t see you! Sorry about it, but I’ve gotta go!” Twilight stopped before rubbing her chin. “Celestia told me that you’re well versed in magic, right?” I shrugged, before nodding along. “So you might be able to help me out, come quickly!” And… with no room for arguing, Twilight grabbed me with her magic and proceeded to drag me through town and into Ponyville’s Library, and Twilight's home.
While I recovered, Twilight and Spike dug through everything, with Spike doing most of the work thank you, and he quickly pulled out a piece of paper that looked like- it was a scroll. I don’t know what year it is in Equestria, but I can safely assume that scrolls were out of date, so stick to books, Twilight. “C’mere Fruit!” Man, absolutely zero bullshit with this woman, because I got dragged over again to see… a very, very complex spell equation.
“This looks like a Cutie Mark swapping spell,” I pointed out almost immediately. “Except instead of it being an illusion, it actually uh, swaps butt tattoos. That can’t be too bad right?”
“Fruit, that is exactly why my friends are acting the way they are! A Cutie Mark marks who you are as a pony!” Twilight then went panicking, Spike in all his glory, suggested fixing her friends with a memory recovery spell, good one you dumbass. You know what? I don’t care that much, maybe there’s a bar open somewhere, and I can just… go drink some beer. I trotted out of the library to leave whatever the fuck Twilight did to Twilight, and almost got zapped by lightning.
Rarity, if it weren’t for you getting fucked up by a magical spell, I would’ve thrown a rock at you. And would you look at that, she looks depressed. Oh well, she can’t take my measurements if she’s sad! Man, I am a terrible person, and I should probably help Rarity out a bit.
Instead of doing that, I found a nice tree to sleep under, and drank some booze. You know, thanks to the severe lack of heavy air pollution, Ponyville was a nice place to nap. The breeze was soft, pleasant, but refreshing. There was an alligator chasing somebody around for some fucking reason with Rainbow Dash following it, so the wilderness was nice. And the trees were- oh sorry, I almost took a nap until somebody started fucking singing again.
Why the fuck is Twilight singing? Weren’t you having a panic attack not even twenty minutes ago? Like, congrats, you seem to be helping your friends for once, but can you do it quietly? Like you all can sing really nicely, but a man wants a nap, and you don’t deprive a man from his nap. Calm yourself down, Mob, shooting Celestia’s student to test out your bootleg musket is very illegal. Just find your happy place and don’t commit murder. Good thing I magically expanded my butt pocket, since now I can just stash some earplugs- Why is the singing getting louder?
Now all six of the elements were hugging and… Twilight ran off, yapping about a magical spell. Man isn’t this a nice, heartwarming thing you wish you got to see, instead of some idiot getting drunk under a tree? I bet so, because finishing a magical spell sounds very, very cool and something I could do in the future. I hopped up from my spot and trotted after Twilight and her friends only for Twilight’s house to let out a very bright flash of light.
And… Twilight’s dead I guess, I dunno how, but she’s dead. I managed to climb up the side of Twilight's home, peeked in a window, and her friends were just surrounding a scorch mark in the shape of her cutie mark. All of them, I mean all of them, were crying over their friends’ death, and it was very heart wrenching, I know. Good thing I didn’t know any of these ponies enough to- okay, maybe I should do my job and be a bootleg, terrible therapist to these guys. Nevermind, they all left town and… it was already almost night time. Maybe I passed out after drinking that beer and woke up just before dusk.
Oh hey, a shiny star with five others appeared and it slowly descended to the ground, only to make a huge, stupid flash of light which blinded me for a few seconds. The next thing I know, everybody in town is crowding Twilight and they all eventually part ways for Celestia, where she came from, I dunno, and why the fuck does Twilight have wings? Celestia does the whole ‘you’re my best student and I’m proud of you’ shit and…
Okay, this is just a thing now. I joked about getting wings earlier, it was a shitty joke, but it was a joke. That’s seriously possible? Fuck it, now I need enlightenment so I can grow wings. I don’t know how to be enlightened, so maybe I could just sing? I think that’s all there is to it, make friends, sing a song about being a good friend, and then boom! You are god now!
Or I shoot somebody and become god. That could work.
The next day, Chrysalis woke me up at the ass crack of dawn, stuffed me in a suit she had bought for me, and dragged me all the way to Celestia’s castle. “You… need to trim your mane, Fruit, it’s always spiky and sticks up after you sleep.” She ran a hoof through my mane and then turned her hoof into a brush… oh that felt nice.
“But I like having my hair long, never got the chance to have it be this long as a human, so I might as well grow it out now.”
“I know, but you need to look your best today, since Celestia told me some wonderful news!”
“That Twilight is now an alicorn?” I asked.
“Not just that, but Twilight will become the newest Princess in all of Equestria: The Princess of Friendship!” Chrysalis began to grin as she watched my brain melt into a puddle. Okay, what the fuck. Like, what does a fucking Princess of Friendship do? Wouldn't it be smarter to call Twilight the Princess of Magic? She was considered to be one of the strongest unicorns post ‘I spouted wings’ thing she did. “I see you are taking the news very well,” Chrysalis giggled before kissing me on the cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ve brought many dandelions to keep you mellowed out.”
“Fucking-” we stepped through a pair of doors to reveal the Elements of Harmony all sitting around a table, chatting, while dressed in very ornamental dresses. Luna and Celestia were sitting at the same table, and it looked like they were enjoying breakfast. Okay, do not, I repeat, do not question why Twilight is going to be a Princess of Friendship, Fruit Punch, just… oh shit! A dandelion!” Chrysalis slipped a couple of those in my mouth and now everything is good again!
“Hello Fruit, I am glad that you could join us, today,” Celestia greeted.
“Yo,” I took a seat next to Chrysalis, or I would have if Chrysalis hadn’t promptly sat me on her lap, and rested her chin on my head. “Congrats on the wings, Sparkle, you deserve it,” I lied through my teeth, like an honest man would. In all honesty, now I was too high to actually care about what was going on, and Chrysalis constantly grooming me with her teeth felt really nice… “So what’s happening today?” I asked, while not actually caring about the answer.
Chryssy snuggles, when Chryssy snuggles, you lose all sense of self, and become comfortable.
“Twilight’s inauguration is happening today,” Celestia said. Everybody turned towards the new alicorn sitting at the table, stressing out over the speech she had to give for some reason. I managed to squeeze out from Chrysalis’s grasp, and slapped Twilight on the back, making her jump, and her quil went flying into the roof… and got stuck in the ceiling. Good job, Twi.
“Quit worrying about the speech, kiddo.”
“But- who are you calling ‘kiddo?‘ I’m older than you!” I shrugged.
“You’re like… twenty, right?”
“Twenty three.”
“Well, before I fell out of the sky and onto Luna’s back, I was twenty four. So I can call you kiddo, and if you are older, it doesn’t matter. You’re stressing out over your speech, which yeah, is important, but,” I grabbed the draft of her speech. “You’re going overly complicated with the words, which can lead to stuttering or just leaves people wondering what the fuck ‘enamored’ means. Just go nice, simple, but heartfelt. I would know, I’ve screwed up so many college presentations by trying too hard with the wording.”
“But you aren’t making an inauguration speech!”
“Probably not, but my experience still applies to this. Just stop stressing out, and you’ll do fine.” Before I could even continue, Chrysalis swiped me up in her magic and ooo, Chryssy snuggles! What the heck was I talking about again? Everybody was staring at me, like they weren’t expecting me to randomly give some encouragement and actual advice to somebody else. Good, I don’t want to seem smart, because that is entirely the dandelions talking.
“Wait a second,” Twi began rubbing her chin as her eyes bore into me. “What do you mean by ‘before I fell out of the sky and onto Luna?” She asked. Welp, cover’s blown, might as well double down, and pretend like I’m not a human being.
“Can’t talk, Chrysalis is grooming me,” I nuzzled myself into Chrysalis’s chest and started… purring. Didn’t know I could pur until today, but I’m not complaining. Chrysalis didn’t seem to mind playing along, since she was just happy to hold me while I was in apparent bliss. Twilight wasn’t buying it and neither was anybody at the table. “Aight, so I’m actually a changeling, a twenty five year old changeling that fell on Luna at the start of this year.”
“Yer lying.”
“Aight, I’m human. Well, I was human,” thanks vocal chords. “Fell out of the sky, fell right on top of Luna, and found out that I was a pony for some reason. Dunno why or how, but that’s not really of your concern. I’m surprised nobody questioned me about my weird sayings, or how I didn’t use ‘everypony’ or ‘anypony’ at all, but I’m not complaining. If I were better at acting I coulda kept fooling y’all.”
“Fruit, we said it was illegal to disclose that information.”
“I can just erase their memories afterwards, it’s fine.”
“When did you take the time to learn that?” Twilight’s voice cracked. “I don’t see you use magic at all, and all of a sudden, you are suddenly well above average in raw magical output! To the point where Celestia brought it up in a letter at some point! And you could easily get a spot in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns with your range of spells! You figured out what Star Swirl’s spell did at a glance! When the hay-“
“I have a mental illness and have trouble falling asleep. So I might have borrowed a couple books from the Royal Archives, read up on some magic, and even learnt some magic training exercises.” Celestia gave me the stink eye and I chuckled.
“I’ll put the books back, I swear!” Celestia nodded with a smile and we both laughed. Everybody blinked at mine and Celly’s weird friendship. Speaking of friendships, where the fuck is Sombra, wasn’t he and Celestia dating again? I peeked under the table. “Oh hey Sombra, my amigo! I thought Celly just tossed you out!” Everybody except Luna and Celestia gasped when they peeked under the table.
“Sombra, dear, you don’t need to hide from Mr. Fruit.”
“You’ve seen his mind, Celly! Do you not understand how mentally unstable he is? His thoughts are darker than the darkest of dark magic, and-“
“Dude, all I did was work at McDonalds as a manager. I’ve seen way darker shit and have heard awful things. Mostly death threats from customers because their sandwich wasn’t built the exact way they like it. Like your deepest, darkest thought was ‘slavery’, Sombra. Meanwhile, we humans used to practice it all the time and made it a sport to hunt escaping slaves!”
I laughed. “Man, my species is fucked up, but boy is it good with making technology!”
“Wait, what do you mean you humans practiced slavery?” Apple Jack asked.
“Don’t worry about it. That shit’s pretty tame compared to the other awful shit we humans have done!”
“His race caused mass genocide to a group of worshippers known as ‘jews’ before.” Everybody slowly turned to Chrysalis in shock. “What? I’m dating this little psychopath, I should know a few things about him.” Everybody except for Luna and Celestia scooted a couple inches away from me and Chrysalis, and I couldn’t really blame them. I took out a can of booze and sipped on it. Chrysalis and I booped noses and that elicited a giggle out of her.
Sombra was now in Celestia’s embrace, keeping his eyes on me like a deer caught in headlights. Celestia, remained calm and cheery, and started to groom her… is Sombra still an ex? Also, again, how the fuck is he alive?
Eventually everybody had their fill on the buffet, and we were shortly joined by Cadence and Shining Armor. For some reason, Twilight’s parents weren’t invited, so screw them I guess. Because your daughter randomly becoming a fucking Princess wasn’t important to be told about. Twilight gave her speech, which was long, winded, had the word ‘enamored’ in it for some stupid reason, and low and behold, she stuttered over a big word she stuck in her speech.
So much for telling you how to give a speech, Sparkle.
The crowd, excluding all the changelings that were interlaced with it, started cheering and ‘wooing’. Some of the stallions were trying to grt a glimpse at Twilight’s butt as she stepped down from the podium, and had turned to head inside the castle. One roar of applause later, I yelled ‘long live the king’ and threw a tomato at somebody before snickering on my way inside. ”Also, quit staring at the new Princess’s butt, you perverts!” I chuckled as a quire of stallions voiced their innocence in the matter.
I fist bump Chrysalis, since she told me to do that.
“Now, let’s party!” Pinkie shouted at the top of her lungs. Before I could react, I was dragged and promptly seated at a piano and my brain began to fart. Why, why do you want me to sing again? I may have gotten a few pointers from Chrysalis, but I’m high and drunk, Pinkie! Fuck it, Here Comes the Sun, bitches. Wait, nevermind, I don’t know how to play that song- I took out a can of magically enhanced booze, with an even stronger hangover, and chugged it.
The next thing I know, I’m on a train, my head hurts, and Chrysalis is holding me again. “Where… the fuck are we?” I asked. “We are heading to the Crystal Empire, so we can introduce Twilight to the citizens there, and then we’ll spend a few days afterwards in the empire for a while, since Twilight wants to spend a few days with her sister in law. Then we’ll go home, and I can finally begin planning out our next date.”
“We-“ I flinched as my headache began to hurt like a motherfucker. “Go walk around Canterlot, just through the park, and then maybe grab some ice cream,” I suggested. Chrysalis rubbed her chin, before kissing me on the forehead. Oh, that felt nice against my aching brain. Why did I drink the magical booze? I don’t know, and I don’t remember,
“Oh, hey Scatter what is that?” Scatter hugged me and started rubbing up against me.
She had a crayon drawing of me being cuddled by Chrysalis
“Mom told us, me and Skitter, that hugging you would help with your hangover.” You know what? It was! Skitter, wherever he came from, then laid his head on my shoulder and started to doze off. Oh for fuck’s sake! There’s a Princess of Friendship… I’m going to hit that bitch over the head with a chair.
Now to just aquire a chair to hit the Princess with.
Author's Note
Long Live the Princess!
For legal reasons, the chapter title is merely a joke, Twilight will not get shot in the head yet. That will be a bonus chapter.
Also, double chapter upload! Thank you adhd! This probably sucked, but it’s two chapters in a day!
So Like, Twilight’s Crown Got stolen
So, the Princess Summit, some nice, big fancy Princess meeting, that I had to come to for some stupid reason- wait, apparently Queen Chrysalis, you know, my girlfriend, also counted as a Princess to Equestria? Whatever titles she might have, such as the Princess of Bug, or whatever stupid titles, I don’t know. I mean, at the end of the day, I’ll probably ignore said titles and call her ‘Chryssy’. The whole thing really just boiled down to ‘I’m dating the Queen of a protectorate of Equestria, and so she registered as a Princess to Equestria by extension’. Can’t wait to be used as an emotional support pony for Chryssy, though.
I began to rub my eyes as we got off the train. That hangover was still kind of affecting me, but some crystalized sugarcane seemed to have nullified the pain from the hangover. As we followed Twilight, who was apparently that Princess of Friendship I said I was gonna kill, and her friends we had silently listened to them talk about some stupid stuff. Such as Pinkie being Pinkie, which turned out to not be so stupid, and then Rarity talking about what the heck she would do if she were a Princess with a crown; wear it.
Good job Rarity, great way to make Twilight even more uncomfortable with her new position. As much as I shit on the concept of a ‘Princess of Friendship’ now Twilight, somebody who likely has zero political experience,, now has to step up to the plate and be… well, a princess. Now she can’t be who she is in public, since she needs to keep a public image, and will be seen as a symbol of perfection. So for now, I won’t hit her over the head with a chair unless she is being incredibly stupid about something. I will hit her with a brick though, I’ve got a nice, healthy supply of those now.
We all entered the throne room, Twilight was in full shock as a bunch of guards began to play some melody on a bunch of horns, announcing her very presence in. In fact, she seemed so distracted, that she bumped into a yellow pegasus, who then acted like a Princess didn’t just bump into him and announced her presence. Well, that’s when Twilight and her friends entered. Me and Chrysalis were told to wait a moment so that Twi’s welcoming party went over smoothly before it was Chrysalis’s turn and boy was there a clear favorite amongst the new ‘princesses’.
As we walked by the guards, there was a lot less… emotion I guess? Going into the music being played for Chrysalis and I, and each guard seemed to give us the stink eye as we walked. It got so bad, that Chrysalis shrunk herself down to my height, and I promptly threw a cloak on her from a saddlebag that I had lying around(my butt pocket maybe magical, but it had its limits, such as thirty bottles of booze, eighteen bricks, a bag filled with various drugs and things to get high off of, one of the bootleg muskets I made, and pocket knife. Hence why I had saddlebags). Chrysalis thanked me, before keeping herself hunched over beside me, to not seem like the center of all the hatred.
Oh right, changelings can sense emotions, so logically if there is just an apparent hatred for Chryssy, she knows about it. On top of that, it’s probably ten times worse because she can sense and taste those angry emotions. With that in mind, I wrapped a hoof around Chrysalis, since she was now shorter than I was, and kept her close to my side. Was this a bug that was significantly stronger than me? Yes. could I pretend to be stronger than her, and that I can keep her safe? Yes, why shouldn’t I at least comfort my superpowered-bug-queen girlfriend?
So, instead of getting this stupid meeting over with, Celestia sent us off to bed, which I was perfectly fine with. “Yo Celly, is it cool if me and Chryssy just use changeling guards? We got a few just hidden around the place, and your guards seem… a little less welcoming of Chryssy. And before you assume that we will get lost, Skitter and Scatter mapped out the whole palace before we got in, so just tell us where our rooms are.” I whispered to Sunbutt, and thankfully, she agreed. Her eyes widened as she picked up the map my guards had made.
“This has… every single secret entrance, hallway, dining room, everything, down to the location of the Crystal Heart with near-perfect accuracy. How… you arrived forty minutes ago by train, how on Equus did Skitter and Scatter map out all of this?”
“Changelings share a ‘mind’ if you will. They all have individual thoughts, but they can hear every thought from their fellow ‘lings. They can also share sight, tastes, and smells through the Hive Mind as they call it. Well, they can share what those things feel like, not the actual- point is, changelings are awesome, and way cooler than pony guards.” That got a couple stink eyes from the Crystal Guard. “Yeah, I said it, dickheads. I know one of you idiots agree, since Scatter was playing with one of y’all last time we were in the Empire!”
It was the middle of the night, I was stealing money and snacks from the Google branded vending machines, as any upstanding citizen does, as somebody in a cloak walked past me. They look like they were trying to be stealthy and hidden, so I decided it would’ve been best to ignore them; they could be attempting murder, but I don’t really care at the moment since Chrysalis had at least sixteen guards on her, so Chryssy was safe. Also, I doubt that anybody is going to be able to kill an alicorn any time soon.
Not until I shoot one in the head, at least.
A good five minutes later and the cloaked figure is running by me with Twilight’s crown, and Twilight starts running after said cloaked figure. Instead of helping out with chasing down the thief, I closed the vending machine to make it seem like I wasn’t stealing several hundred bits worth of money from the stupid thing. “Fruit, bucking, do something!” Rainbow yelled at me as she and the rest of the Elements of Harmony ran past me. I rolled my eyes and started trotting after them, brick in hand and… walking into a closet, where Twilight’s crown was thrown into the mirror that Celestia brought a month or two ago, and a yellow unicorn gave some cheesy villain tag line before walking into it as well.
Well that’s probably really problematic, can I go back to sleep now? Nope, transitions to black- and now we’re in the throne room, where Celestia was talking about the yellow bitch from earlier; Sunset Shimmer. Turns out the nerd got mad because she put the work in and didn’t get immediate results… impatient, much? Anyways, Sunset Shimmer, in all her genius, evil scheming, decided to steal somebody’s crown with an ancient artifact built into it. Actually, why did somebody decide to stick the Element of Magic into a crown that can easily be lost or stolen?
Well, this doesn’t seem to be my problem, but I’m going to follow these guys around anyways, because I don’t feel like being left out of all the action. We walked back into the storage closet while Luna began to explain that the mirror that Sunset disappeared into was no ordinary mirror, yadda, yadda, yadda, magical mirror, yadda, yadda, yadda, short as fuck three day time frame. Another dimension of bullshit. Why is Celestia and Luna looking at me?
“We believe Fruit should accompany you to this other world, Twilight. He will know far more about it than you will,” uh, what?
“But isn’t this whole crown thing like, not my problem?”
“You let Sunset run right past you!” Rainbow jabbed a hoof in my chest, so I grabbed her hoof and twisted it. “Ouch ouch ouch! Let go!” I did as told and walked up to the mirror.
“So if context clues says anything, this leads back to Earth, or at least some whacky version of Earth that I’ll understand very well,” I said, before shrugging. I grabbed the bag of bits that I definitely didn’t steal, before nodding. “Alright, I’ll go, tell Twilight the basics, and then get some stuff I’ve been meaning to get for a while now.” Twilight and Spike walked into the mirror and I shortly followed suit-
Why the fuck am I a teenager again? Great, now I’m gonna have voice cracks and some other bullshit. Spike’s now some weird bulldog looking thing… with green ears, a green tuft of fur, and he was purple with a white underbelly. Twilight, was now also a teenager, with purple skin, screaming at the top of her lungs after looking herself over. “Oi, shut up, we don’t want to cause a fucking scene,” I grabbed Twilight and stood her up on her feet. “Go check out that highschool, get some information, I’m gonna go to a pawn shop, pawn some bits off, and then buy a bunch of things to help us out.”
Twilight nodded, before walking surprisingly well for somebody who never had two feet before. Granted, she walked like a drunk person, but she was walking! Great, now with that bitch out of my hair, I can go find a- oh why the fuck is there a pawnshop across the street from a school? And most importantly, why the actual hell does it advertise the fact that it sells guns? Fuck it, I don’t care, shooting up a school sounds like a really good idea.
Luckily, I still had my wallet with my ID, so I still had human money, but these solid gold coins tell me that I’ll be leaving the pawn shop with more than I had. “Yo, how much will this go for?” I asked, dropped two hundred bits on the counter, and the store owner looked down at the pile of gold coins, and back at me. He rubbed his chin, asked for an ID, and blinked a couple more times when I produced one. “So, how much are you willing to pay for this shit?”
“I’d say… it’s two hundred a coin,” the pawn shop owner said. “But I…”
“I’ll sell all of these coins to you for about two grand, ten bucks a piece of gold, deal?” The pawn shop owner’s eyes widened.
“You sir, are insane, and I like that!” He then forked over two thousand dollars in bills, which combined with my ten dollars, meant I could… go to a Walmart and just break into the school at night tonight. That’s if Walmart exists, if not, I’ll find a Walmart equivalent and buy a hammer- hey look, a functional shotgun for two hundred, with bullets! Wow, that sounds like a deal! I negotiated the price down to a hundred ninety, bought the shotgun, and hid it in a bush on the school grounds, which lacked cameras for some reason.
Some minor exploration later and I found a hardware store, so I bought a hammer, a screwdriver, a sledge hammer, and a car battery from an auto store. That left me with well over a thousand to work with, so I could spend this on a nice, juicy hamburger, or be an idiot and spend it at a bookstore- I did both, so now I have a really nice hamburger and the whole Star Wars collection. That left me well, still over a thousand bucks. Man, it felt weird to have so much money on me! I also bought a fake crown to replace the real one with, just so nobody suspected a thing when I stole Twilight’s crown back.
Anyways, nighttime was rolling around, and now the school building was empty. I don’t know where the fuck Twilight or Spike was, but I don’t really care that much. I snuck around, saw them through a window, making a bed out of some books, and oh hey, that must be the principal’s office. I threw the sledge hammer through the window and checked every closet- oh wow, that was easy, the crown was just sitting in a cabinet for some reason. Well, that made things way easier, so I’ll let Twilight do whatever the fuck she was doing in the school building, and go rent a nice motel room out or something… fine, I’ll check in all her from time to time, because it would be a bit mean to leave her hanging.
The next day, I woke up and… walked into the school with nobody questioning why the fuck I was here. There were police officers standing outside of the principal’s office, with some Princess Celestia looking nerd giving them a scoop with the window broken. Ha, install a security system, dumbass. If you’re named Celestia, you just inherently have a shitty security system, whether it be some really stupid guards, or some other stupid shit. Anyways, I bought a safe last night and stuck the crown in it, so nobody, I repeat, nobody except for me is getting that crown back.
Oh, I slept until noon, because it seems like a lunch period started- why are there- what the fuck? There are five kids, all of which look like the Elements of Harmony(excluding Twilight), singing and doing a fucking dance number. Bro, Twilight, why are you plaguing this world with songs about friendship and equality? Did this have to do with the crown? Because like, we can go home, Twilight. Actually, I wanna see what happens, so let’s just- wait, those teenagers are all wearing pony ears and tails.
Man, it’s like there’s some benevolent god that wants you to think these are the same characters in another universe or something.
Oh that’s cute, everybody is joining in on the musical number, and wearing the same pony ears and tails. Twilight’s hard crushing on some kid, who looked a lot like the guard she bumped into back at home. Well, ain’t that cute, the kid’s got the hots for Twilight! Well, I might as well. “No, I’m not wearing that,” I backed away from one of the girls, who was trying to make me put on the ears and tail that I didn’t want to wear.
“Hey Fruit!” Twilight said, oh great, the musical number was over, and now I can just sit down. Okay, I put on the pony ears.
“Name’s Mob, Twilight. Ain’t a horse anymore, so I’d like to go by the name I used to go by. So, how’s getting the crown going?” I asked.
“Well, I have to become the Princess of the Canterlot High Fall Formal, and so far-”
“Everybody’s backing Twilight!” Not Pinkie Pie shouted.
“Wait, how the heck do you know Twilight? Ain’t she from another dimension or something?” Not Apple Jack asked.
“Came through the portal with her, something about helping Twilight not get stuck in a sewer, blah, blah, blah”
“So, did you get whatever you needed to help us out?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, you’ll be surprised once you win this whole Fall Formal. I got something nice planned out for the Formal.”
“Oh my, aren’t you the dashing fellow,” Not Rarity then ran a hand under my jaw, which was supposed to be seductive, but just came off as weird and creepy. I grabbed her hand before she could continue. “I’d love to dance with you at the Fall Formal-”
“Sorry lass, but I’m dating somebody already. And wouldn't it be fair to them if I were to cheat on them with somebody I just met, now would it?” Not Rarity deflated at that before perking up again.
“Can you at least give me your number?”
“Threw my phone in a lake.”
“Phooy.”
“I’ll show up at the crowning of the Princess or whatever, I wanna see everybody’s face when they see that you fully flattened the competition.”
On the third and final day, I put on a baseball cap and clip on tie before heading out to the Fall Formal. Can’t wait to see Twilight’s face when she realized she didn’t even win her crown! I grabbed the crown, which was nice and still in the safe, and stuffed it in a laptop bag I stole earlier, and wandered around the school building, while still making sure to be by the statue. Then I walked inside the building, promptly found the gym, and watched as Twilight’s jaw dropped as the fake, cheapo crown I bought her was placed on her head as her new friends’ jaws dropped.
Twilight then came storming out of the gym with her friends, all of whom seemed disappointed up until Spike got stolen by a couple of idiots. We all chased after them only to find Sunset standing at the portal with a sledge hammer. She threatened to break the portal, which was made out of concrete, with a sledge hammer- fuck it, I threw a brick at the yellow bitch, which hit her in the head and made a coconut sound.
“By the way, Twilight, I got the crown back two days ago while you were sleeping. You just looked like you were having fun with your friends, so I decided to let you guys have your fun.” I said while throwing Sunset Shimmer over my shoulder. “So say your goodbyes, lemme know when you’re going home and what not.” Twilight’s eye twitched a couple times, before her friends all hugged her up, before releasing the probably angry Twilight Sparkle.
The Friendship Princess said her farewells, and walked through the portal after snatching her crown back. I, on the other hand, threw Sunset’s unconscious body through the portal and hopped through shortly afterwards. I was debating on staying at the last second, but I got a Queen Chrysalis I wanna cuddle with and propose to at the Great Galloping Galla, and staying here would put a dent in those plans.
I landed on all four hooves only to get tackled by Chrysalis while everybody else was welcoming Twilight. Sunset Shimmer got locked up in a bunch of chains and hauled off to the dungeons, and everybody lived happily ever after- just kidding! The show’s not over, bitches!
I now have a fully loaded shotgun and it’s going to be everybody’s problem. Good thing I worked on making a bootleg version of a Musket, didn’t I?
Author's Note
So, I was expecting to make this at least 4k words long, but then had the fun idea of just having Fruit retrieve the crown and let Twilight do her Twilight things.
Also, return of the brick!
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Sunset Shimmer gets a Half-Baked Therapist(me)
Okay, maybe tossing a wanted criminal, Sunset Shimmer, back home wasn’t such a good idea. Not because the retribution she would’ve received would’ve been bad(these ponies only gave about two weeks of jail time to a pony who tried to kill me during day court), but because now Sunset is my problem for some reason. Like yeah, I brought her back home, but it was so Celestia could have a stern ‘bad girl’ talk, spray her old student with a water bottle, and then leave her in a cell for the rest of her life.
Instead, because ‘me and Sunset have been through the same shit’, she’s my problem and it’s now my job to try and get her to be more talkative. So here I am, walking up to Sunset’s cell, because instead of in the dungeons, somebody figured sticking a magic prohibitor on somebody and giving them a nice bedroom in a tower would be a good idea. Luckily, Celestia had the foresight to actually post guards at Sunset’s room, so she wouldn’t be getting away super easily. She’ll just be mildly inconvenienced.
“Name?” a guard asked as I made it to the deluxe prison cell.
“Fruit Punch. I’m here to talk to the prisoner.” The guard nodded and proceeded to let me in. There she was, the evil bitch herself, Sunset Shimmer, sitting and reading a book. She had a bandage wrapped around her head, probably because of the brick I threw at her, and the magic prohibiting ring was pitch black, making for a nice contrast to the mare’s yellow fur. An ear flicked when the door clicked as it shut and she looked up from her book. Wow, if looks could kill, then I’d be a stain on the wall.
“So, how is being in a golden jail cell?” I asked as I sat down on my rump.
“Why did Princess Celestia even send you here? To rub it in that you ruined my plan from the start? To get me to understand friendship? Because sending the very stallion that threw a brick at my head is a very good way of getting me to talk,” Sunset threw her book across the room, well, if she had any upper body strength, since the book went about a meter and a half before unceremoniously falling on the ground.
“In all fairness, princess, you did threaten to keep me and Twilight locked in that dimension forever. It was either I chuck a brick at you, rush at you while you had a very dangerous, blunt object on you, or I used the shotgun I bought to do something very, very illegal and regrettable. Also, I don’t believe you know how concrete works, princess-”
“Stop calling me princess!” Sunset shouted.
“So princess, concrete is made up of a bunch of little rocks, which is what the portal back on Earth is made up of. A sledge hammer isn’t going to break that shit. Plus you would’ve gone to jail for destruction of public property, fined, and then expelled from Canterlot High, so your plan on keeping us on Earth woulda worked super well. Since if it did work, I would’ve shot you and found some bullshit to go home. That, or I wouldn’t care and go get McDonalds or something, and sell all my bits so I could buy a house.”
“You know… quite a bit about how Earth works.”
“Yeah, because I’m from Earth. Not the exact earth we were on, but it was similar enough to me that I could probably live there for the rest of my life and be fine. Hell, I would’ve stayed, but I got somebody I wanted to propose to and they live here, so I wanted to come back to Equestria. So, how was planet Earth?”
“Well… aside from it basically being a prison, it wasn’t too bad. I got to see the theater in a way I haven’t seen before! Where pictures move, people get hurt, but not really? Explosions and everything!” She giggled, likely recalling a few good movies here and there. And bingo, I know how to break the ice.
“I see you like movies.”
“Yeah, I especially liked this one about a viking kid taming a dragon.”
“Ah, How to Train Your Dragon! A lady of culture, I see,” I chuckled as Sunset Shimmer’s jaw dropped.
“You’ve seen How to Train Your Dragon?” Sunset squealed. “I stole a plushie, of the dragon, not even two days after watching it!” Well, at least she’s honest about her methods of obtaining things she wanted on Earth.
“Yup, I saw it when it first came out and loved the hell out of it. But on my Earth, it’s been well over two decades since the first movie came out, and it has two sequels.”
“Don’t you dare spoil those for me.” Ah, she was just like a teenager, which I guess makes sense, since she was in a teenage body for… two, three years? Luna never really explained what Moons were, so I’m going to assume that meant months. It’s like the creators of a movie chose an arbitrary number and chose a random word to describe a measurement of time to make it sound big. Then it just becomes really confusing and everybody spends a whole while figuring out what a Moon was.
“So, anything else you like about Earth? Any dislikes?”
“Well, it was nice to go to a normal high school. While I was working as Celestia’s prized pupil, I was under so much pressure and it still felt like I got nothing out of it! In a regular high school, it felt like I was getting something out of it! I would have never known what a ‘cell’ was unless I never took biology class! Granted, it did get a bit lonely because everybody was scared of me, but it was fun! I particularly liked human history, it sounds so…”
“Morbid.”
“What?”
“I assume you haven’t gotten to the gruesome part of history such as colonization, genocides of ethnic groups, or the bits about slavery.” Sunset’s eyes widened.
“I only got to the part in history called ‘manifest destiny!’” Ah, you were just about to get into one of the many sins of humanity. Stay innocent, Sunny, don’t become aware of what humans are capable of. “So… you were once human, right? How does it feel to be almost entirely separated from your home world? I felt so… lost when I first got banished to Earth, so lonely. So I can probably imagine what it felt like.”
“Oh nah, I didn’t care that much. Aside from the whole ‘crushing a princess by falling out of the sky and promptly getting sued by said princess,’ bit.” I chuckled. “I didn’t really mind. I quickly made friends with both Luna and Celestia, and I was no longer in soul crushing debt to my college, so I was perfectly happy. I got money for food and rent and that was all I could ask for. There are times where I wanted to kill myself, like when I slammed my ass into a horse’s face and knocked him out, but so far, life’s been good. I got a girlfriend that I love to death, I have a head penis that I can-”
“Why did you call your horn… a head penis?” Sunset looked ready to start laughing at my terrible attempt at making the mood even lighter than it already was.
“Because I called it that on day one and figured out it was just a horn later. So on occasion I will call my horn a horn, but I like the term ‘head penis’ more.”
“So, who is this pony that you’re dating?”
Chrysalis teleported in wearing a sun hat. Huh, speak of the devil! A pretty devil at that! “Fruit! There you are! Are we still going to go on that stroll through Canterlot Park?” Sunset Shimmer yelped in fear, and Chrysalis slowly turned to Sunset Shimmer. “Ah, Sunset Shimmer. I have heard many things about you, some good, and some bad. Mostly bad.
“From what Celestia told me while we were dating, you were an incredibly gifted student, a smart one at that. You had ambitions that you simply couldn’t reach despite all the pressure and work put in!” Chrysalis put a hoof on her chest. “I am sad to hear that you would walk such a dark path, but I do hope Fruit can help you out in some department.”
“How would Fruit help? We’re just talking about movies.”
“Ah, a pass time from his home world. Well, I suppose this is Fruit’s way of making you comfortable around him; he’s not an interrogator, he’s not here to pry information out of you for Celestia. He’s simply trying to get you to relax around him.” Sunset turned to me and blinked a couple times. “I know, Fruit still catches me off guard with what he knows.”
“I was learning to be a psychologist. I better know how to be a decent therapist after I managed to skip up a class after a month. I’m not the most helpful or greatest therapist, but I’d like to think I can help out here and there,” I turned to Sunset, only for Chrysalis to lift me from the cushion, seat herself at it, and laid down. Sweet! Chryssy snuggles!
“So, anything else about Earth that you wanna talk about? If not then… perhaps we can work towards actually helping you out. I am kinda curious as to why you felt so… pressured into being something greater than what you are. Because it’s just a curious thing, really. It’s something I was studying before I uh, crushed Princess Luna with my ass.”
“Do you know what it’s like, to be in a position such as ‘Celestia’s Star Pupil?’ From a young age, you are told you’re going to be something great, and have tons of work piled on you just to get marginally better? I studied for a year and only improved at magic a little bit! I was gifted! I was gifted to the point that Celestia took notice of me!”
“Ah, the case of a prodigy.” I chuckled. “If you were a prodigy well beyond your years, Sunny, then it would make sense why your magical abilities would only increase by increments instead of making leaps and bounds. For instance, I obviously never used magic before, so when I started teaching myself in secret, I made large leaps and bounds because I already had the magical capabilities, it was a matter of learning how to work with them.
“In your case, you had the raw power, but needed to learn how to control it. So really your teachings may have been mostly about helping you control your magic and broadening your spell knowledge. Yeah, it sucks that you felt the pressure to do better, which is why expectations are always, always a path to failure, my friend. If you expect to make a leap in skill, but only an increment, you’ll get disappointed that you didn’t make that leap. Even if in Reality, you still made an improvement which was what you were after anyways.”
I took a sip of water while I let what I said sink in. Sunset now found a sudden interest in her hooves, and even I can tell that she felt a tiny bit down in the dumps. “But I was told to be better, much better. Everyday I am told that I am going to be the greatest unicorn to ever live- that I might ascend and become an alicorn.”
“Which is why expectations are so horrible to place on somebody. Because they’ll see something greater than they could achieve, or something far greater than they can achieve in a certain amount of time. For all we know, Celestia only expected you to get marginally better over a long period of time, and then rival an alicorn in strength. But the constant pressure of self improvement probably drove you mad, huh?” Sunset nodded.
“Well, now that you no longer have that pressure to be better and you can live your own life, what do you want, now?”
“I… I don’t know.”
“Well, you got all the time in the world!” I stood up and stretched. “Well, it’s time for me and Chryssy to get started on our date. Just relax, Sunset, and we’ll talk next week!
So, with Sunset now left in thought, me and Chrysalis teleported into Canterlot Park and began to wander around. A couple ponies here and there blinked a couple times when they saw a changeling, a Queen at that, holding a stallion as they walked. A couple children ran up to say ‘hi’ to me. Luckily, it seems like that apparent ‘Hero of Canterlot’ thing died down after I apparently said a slur to several nobles during day court.
What does Dobbin mean again? Well, it was probably really offensive to ponies.
“And then I called the fucker a Dobbin!” Chrysalis’s eyes widened.
“Fruit, there are children running around!”
“Why is that so bad?” I asked.
“You’re basically calling somebody a nag when you call them that, Fruit. It’s a slur that horses used to use against ponies in the past. How in the world do you even know that word? I doubt you’ve done much research on slurs used against ponies.”
“Just heard somebody back home call their horse ‘Dobbin’ and randomly remembered it. Because that guy’s horse was a fucking asshole. Just like the stallion that tried to swindle me out of four hundred bits.”
Chrysalis snorted. “And you called several nobles Dobbins?” She then kissed me on the head. “You are causing quite the stir amongst the wealthy and I like it!”
“Yuck! What is that ugly creature doing here?” Some rich looking pony pointed at Chrysalis, who seemingly deflated after that comment. I could tell that she put on some light makeup for tonight, and it did help out a decent amount despite how light it was. “She’s going to ruin my son’s picnic!” Another rich pony shouted. “What a freak! Why is that stallion-“ oh wow, that third guy mysteriously shut the fuck up after I threw a brick at him.
“Also lady,” I pointed at the one rich bitch that talked about her son. “Shut the fuck up, and ain’t it illegal to even be having a picnic in Canterlot park?”
“Shut it, meanie! My Mommy is just trying to make me happy! And I want a picnic next to Princess Cadence’s statue; I want to marry her!”
He pointed at a statue of Princess Luna.
“Kiddo, she’s already married, you dumb, stupid fuck. Like Jesus Christ, you are a waste of school food if you think you can marry somebody that’s already married; she’ll never want to date a little shit like you.” Remember how I said I won’t be mean to children? I don’t.
“Don’t talk to my son like that! I make more money than you do-“
“Yeah, by sucking rich guys off. Woohoo! You’re a whore!”
“Hey! Don’t talk to my wife like that,
“Dude, that bitch is only married to you because you’re rich!” I yelled back.
Son, Mother, and Father all stared at me until I threw a brick at the Father. The other two retrieved their, now unconscious, relative and ran away while screaming.
“So, if anybody else would like to call Chrysalis ugly, be my guest.” Every single snob turned and started running in the opposite direction of me and Chrysalis except for one. He just glared at me, like he was planning something terrible for me. “You wanna go man? I’ll send your dumbass to the moon- don’t think I won’t, I know how to.” Chrysalis’s eyes widened.
“Fruit, do not send him to the moon for my sake! It would be really sexy if you did, but don’t!” Chrysalis acted like she was about to faint while the stallion began to approach me.
“Tell me, why do you think defending that thing is useful? You’re probably being mind controlled-“
“Bitch, I’ve already had Chrysalis test it. I’m too mentally ill and clinically stupid to mind control. I’m defending her because I love her, asshole. So,” I took a rubber duck and shoved down the man’s throat, and I would have actually done that if not for one of Chrysalis’s siblings, I believe it was Scuttle, grabbed the stallion and threw him out of sight.
“Don’t call my sister ugly on her date!”
“Where the fuck-“ Scuttle put a hoof on my nose.
“Boop!” Wat? “I like you, Fruit. Not many would insult an entire family just because somebody called Chrysalis ugly. She’s always been… a bit self conscious about her looks; I can’t blame her since not many have truly fallen in love with Chrysalis. They just fell in love with what Chrysalis was pretending to be.”
“Scuttle!”
“Chryssy. don’t argue. You’re afraid that Fruit will leave you for somebody more pretty.”
“Nah, Chrysalis is awesome. Wouldn’t stop dating her even if Celestia decided to show up in my bedroom with stockings on-“ I rubbed my chin. “You know, I was wondering what you would look like in stockings, Chrysalis. You’d probably just look really cute while dozing off, but then you’d just be like you always are; adorable!” Chrysalis squealed and buried her face into my mane while Scuttle laughed.
“He’s a keeper, sis. I’m glad you found him.”
“She tried to mind control me when we first met.”
“I know, I heard that story from Chrysalis! The expression and tone she used while telling that story was priceless!” Scuttle patted her younger sibling on the head. “Well, I’ll be around sis, if you ever want to chat, I’m a thought away.” With that, Scuttle shot off into the evening, shortly afterwards I heard a stallion, the one she threw, scream as the sound of a belt ‘thwacking’ could be heard.
Somebody was getting their ass beat pretty damn hard by the sounds of things.
“So Chryssy, wanna go to a little cafe and have a couple sandwiches later?”
Chrysalis, who had regained her composure nodded. “That would be lovely Fruit. Just please, please do not embarrass me in front of one of my siblings again. Now I’ll get teased by Scuttle and the other ninety-nine siblings that I have. You have just doomed me to constant sibling teasing!”
“But you’re cute!”
“No, I am fierce and deadly!”
“Especially when you rest your head on your hooves after a long day. You’re deadly cute.”
“I am not cute! I can break your back in a mere thought!”
“You wouldn’t, then you wouldn’t have a back to rest your head on at night.”
“I hate you.”
“I love you too.” We laid down in the grass and Chrysalis pulled me into a hug.
“Now you have fallen into a venus fly trap!” Chrysalis then began to gum on my neck! I think ponies in Appleloosa could hear my laughs from their town in the asscrack of nowhere. Clever girl, Chryssy, clever girl. Entice me with Chryssy Cuddles and then tickle me until My lungs give out. I was then promptly smothered in kisses while I recovered.
(Later that week, the pony that Scuttle threw was on a ‘missing’ listing).
Author's Note
So, I already had next chapter mostly written out before I even started writing this chapter. I figured it wouldn’t be a good idea to throw in ‘Sunset gets tossed back into Equestria’ without touching that.
So next chapter won’t have Sunset Shimmer in it since it was written before this chapter.
Also yes, that one Noble did get his ass beat by Scuttle, and promptly ‘disappeared’ afterwards.
Big, big warning, voices in my head. I have a gun and I will kill something with it later. So if you’re squeamish about that, I will let you know beforehand, or you can skip this chapter.
So, since my last visit to Ponyville ended up with a musical number, six idiots being Cutie Mark swapped, and Twilight literally becoming a god, I decided, for some reason to go back to that god forsaken town, and visit something I didn’t get to visit the last couple of times I showed up. That would be the Everfree Forest. You see, unlike most forests, which have a chance of killing you, this one had a slightly higher chance of killing you with whacky shit like Timber Wolves, beasts made of wood, which is why I was back in Ponyville. There were other monsters like manticores, hydras, all sorts of shit.
“Fruit, you are not walking into that forest! Chrysalis will kill us if she finds out we let you walk in there alone!” Twilight was trying her best to hold me down with her hooves, which didn’t help much since her wings made up her entire body weight. “This is stupid! You’re going to get yourself killed for nothing, Fruit, haven’t you heard of how dangerous this forest is? It’s too dangerous for even Princess Celestia to have a nice, relaxing stroll through the Everfree!”
“Twilight, I have a gun, several muskets, and a bunch of bricks. If I die, it’s whatever. I mean, I more than likely won’t die, because again, I have a gun.”
“That stupid stick won’t save you, Fruit! Sure, it’s made of metal-” Twilight and several other ponies jumped when I pointed my shotgun up and fired a round into the air. Yes, I did check before I accidentally shot somebody or a bird. Did I now have hearing damage? Probably, but who cares? I got a gun and it’s cool.
“Twilight, this ‘metal stick’ is a weapon designed to kill basically anything as efficiently as possible. I’ll be fine,” I whacked Twilight over the head with the butt of the gun, before taking a deep breath. I also might have drawn a dick on Twilight’s face, but can you blame me for wanting to do that? Now that Barney the Purple Pony isn’t conscious, I can go visit the Castle of the Two Sisters, maybe find a new pet, anything really. When I heard about Everfree a while ago, I knew I had to check it out. Now, obviously it is very easy to get lost, so I have a paint brush and a bucket of white paint. I’m just going to… paint the ground as I go along.
Anyways, I’m now lost in the middle of the Everfree forest, because I left my paint bucket at home, but boy do I have a paint brush that I can lick later. It still smelled like paint, so maybe I can continue my terrible addiction to anything that gets me high or drunk. It’s really weird, since after I ended up in Equestria, I felt a stronger need to use said stuff that isn’t good for me to get high or drunk, but I guess it’s my little way of coping with one simple thing. The sun and moon are controlled by two ponies and I don’t want to think about it, hence the paint sniffing.
Head’s up, I kill something to death.
I heard a twig snap and I immediately brought up my musket and aimed at whatever the fuck was nearby. A lion head poked its head out and I immediately pulled the trigger; so I found a manticore and killed it. It fell out of the bush, dead. Wow, I am such a good person, shooting manticores for even showing up in my general vicinity- fuck, that could’ve been my pet cat! Oh well, I heard that Manticores are highly illegal to keep as a pet anyways.
Okay, thing dead, you can continue from here.
Too bad I don’t follow the law since I keep getting money out of vending machines via that dumb address trick. It was surprising how many wanted signs have cropped up asking about the ‘serial vending machine robber’ and how nobody guessed it was me. I’m not complaining, it’s easy money, meaning that I can continue to postpone opening that pizza shop I’ve been meaning to open for the last six months. Also, dunno how the fuck nobody’s noticed me being around minutes after a vending machine was broken into, stolen from, and then closed up afterwards.
Oh hey a pack of Timber Wolves were eating some dead guy they probably just murdered. I took out a notebook and started writing and taking notes, thinking of ways to obtain one and keep it as a pet. Because I am, or was, human, and all I see in front of me are dogs. Pony eating dogs, but still dogs. One raised its head and… immediately took notice of me and now it wants to kill me. Welp, my notes entirely consisted of two words, being ‘pet it’. So I’m totally gonna be able to tame these things.
“Hey uh…” the timber wolf was now almost nose to nose with me, and it kinda… stinks. Not in a bad way, but it smells kinda like wet mud. So really, it stunk, but in a good way. I felt my rear hit a tree, so now I’m completely screwed. Well, if I end up dying, then I’ll know if I’m high or not. “Heya…” I started to rub the timber wolf’s chin and its eyes widened in initial shock, before its eyes closed and began to lean into my hoof. Its leaf tongue hung out the side of its mouth while I scratched at it; I tamed a timber wolf!
Now isn’t that sweet? He’s still covered in blood! The timber wolf looked back at what I assume is its pack and made a haunting bark sound. And… Now I am being surrounded by at least five timberwolves, all of which are trying to get me to pet them, which I’m trying to do, but I’ve only got two arms to pet five wolves with. Holy shit, these guys were supposed to be dangerous? They’re literally just dogs that are larger than I am.
And covered in another man’s blood! That wasn’t disgusting or off putting at all.
One of them just licked me. I just now actually noticed that these things have leaf tongues! Okay, that’s cute. “So can you guys lead me out of here? I would like to see civilization in time for tomorrow, since I’m also here to try and partake in Nightmare Night, so-“ one of the timber wolves threw me on its back and started running in a random direction. Before I knew it- bro, I was only forty feet into the Everfree and I got lost? Man I am fucking stupid.
Also now everybody is screaming and running in fear of my new pack of dogs.
“Look out everypony! We got it-“ Apple Jack stopped in her tracks with a lasso in hand.
“Alright you five, no eating anybody, and I’ll feed y’all a bucket of fish each,” I put a bit of authority in my voice. To my surprise, one of the wolves nodded, and the others followed suit. I slipped off of… I guess I’ll call this one Woody, and went to take a bow. “Hello, sir Fruit Punch at your service!” I chuckled. “So I now just have a pack of timber wolves, so don’t mind me, m’kay, Jackie?”
“Who the hay are you calling Jackie-'' Apple took a step forward, hoof on her hat, like she was getting ready to beat my ass. Then Woody snarled and AJ immediately backed down. Wow, I now have changelings and wolves to keep me safe! I’m the luckiest man in the world! Twilight came crashing, probably because she hasn’t figured out how to fly yet, into the ground and got up immediately without showing a sign of injury.
“Where are the- Fruit! You didn’t die!” Twilight then watched as Woody laid his head on my shoulder, keeping his eyes locked on AJ just in case she tried to do anything. So this is what it’s like to own a dog? “Why are you standing next to a whole pack of timber wolves? Are you insane? What in Celestia- wait.” She paused as I petted a wolf. “You managed to tame a pack of timber wolves, didn’t you?” I nodded. “Not even Fluttershy could do that! How did you•
“If Minecraft taught me anything, I can give a wolf a bone, and it becomes a dog. So I guess massaging a pack of timber wolves turns them into dogs as well? It really wasn’t that hard to tame them. I just cornered myself and petted… I think it was Woody, I can’t remember, and boom! I get to own a dog now. Wait hold on,” I tossed a ball that I had on me for some reason, totally not to try and play fetch if I left with a timber wolf and…
Oh hey, Leafy(I know, creative naming) ran after the ball like a golden retriever.
“What the hay is Minecraft?”
“You know, Minecraft!”
Twilight's eyes twitched and many ponies stared in fear and awe as I and my pack of wolves made it to my hotel room. I closed the door and all five wolves immediately took up the bed, leaving me with the floor or chair. I used a magical communication spell on a mirror and Chrysalis was now staring back at me. “Ah Fruit! How was your trip to Ponyville? I will be coming tomorrow to partake in Nightmare Night, so you best remain in Ponyville for the next couple days.”
“Oh, trust me, I’m looking forward to Nightmare Night. Especially now that I’ve got five timber wolves to help with my costume.”
“What?” Chrysalis’s eye bugged out for a second. “Did you say you have, not one, not two, but five timberwolves?” I nodded. “And you plan on keeping them, don’t you?” I nodded again. “You are very, very lucky that changelings are not natural prey of those beasts, or I would have slapped you.” Woody now took the time to look at the mirror and tilt his head upon seeing Chrysalis.
“Listen, these guys really are overhyped. Like ‘oh sweet Celestia! Timber wolves are awful!’ And look at this!” I patted Woody on the head and his tongue hung out the side of his head as I began to move his little leaf ears with my hoof. Soon afterwards, his head ended up in my lap, and Chrysalis’s jaw had hit the floor. “If it looks like a dog, the monkey brain in me goes ‘cute dog’. Even if said dogs are made of wood.”
“Fruit, you surprise me everyday, and… you best give me a timber wolf puppy if your timberwolves ever reproduce. Because I have heard that timber wolf puppies are absolutely adorable, and I would like one.” I nodded. “Good, because if you said no, then I don’t know if I could stay with a puppy hog.”
“Oh come on now, blanket hogging is a bigger crime, and I still stay with you, blankie hogger!”
“You have fur to keep yourself warm and I don’t!” We both laughed.
“I love you,” Chrysalis reached a hoof before sighing. “Just be careful with your timberwolves, they can be quite unpredictable-“ She almost snorted when I yelped; Woody stuck his nose in my eye! It didn’t even hurt, it just felt weird and wet! How the fuck is its nose wet? Oh my fuck that felt weird as hell! Woody let out what sounded like a laugh before pinning me to the ground and… then dragged me up onto the bed, in between himself and another timber wolf. Okay, this feels really nice. “Goodnight Fruit!”
The next day, I sat outside of the train station with just two wolves with me. You see, I would’ve taken all five, but I don’t want my changelings or Chryssy to be bombarded by five adult timberwolves. I would’ve left them all back at the hotel, but like, these guys keep ponies away from me and I didn’t feel like dealing with ponies today. Eventually a train pulled in, Celestia’s private train that she loans to Chrysalis whenever Chrysalis needs it(as in Chrysalis borrows it without permission).
Also, yes, I did feed my wolves with a shit ton of fish, but upgraded to a fuck ton when they were licking their lips.
“Fruit!” Chrysalis pulled me into a hug while Skitter and Scatter sat on their rumps, mimicking the timber wolves before them. Chryssy and I stopped our little reunion to make sure the meeting between my guards and pets would go over smoothly. Skitter patted one wolf on the head while Scatter hugged the wolf in front of her. Well, that’s good, changelings and timber wolves get along!
“Chrysalis, it’s only been two days since you’ve last seen me.”
“Fruit, two days without you is two days I do not get to have you. I am nigh immortal, Fruit. I will not die unless I choose to stop eating food, or if I were to get killed by a very, very strong magical blast. While you are old and gray, I will look exactly like this, watching you on your deathbed, Fruit. I love you and cherish you deeply, thus why I want to make sure I spend every second I can with you.”
“Ah, the curse of immortality.” Chryssy raised an eye ridge. “We mortals cherish life because we know everyday could be our last, and we get to see new things everyday. Gods, or immortals, don’t get that privilege of enjoying life to the fullest because they don’t have to fear death. And in your case, you feel the need to spend every moment that you can with those you love.” I shrugged. “Some dingus named Achillies said that and it really does have some merit to you. As much as immortality is a blessing, it’s a curse.”
I kissed Chrysalis. “For me, it's a blessing since you’ll always be incredibly pretty. Though you’d still look nice and pretty if you were mortal and old!” I kissed Chrysalis on the nose, which made her move her head back in initial shock. “Don’t worry, we’ll spend a lot of time together. In fact, when we head to the Great Galloping Gala, I have a surprise for you.” Chrysalis’s eyes widened before she started giggling like a schoolgirl. Her cheeks were kinda reddening up.
“Ohoho, Fruit! If it is what I think it is, then I cannot wait-“ Chrysalis and I got tackled by one of the timberwolves and we both started laughing as we got assaulted by the leaf tongue of death.
“I see that you two are enjoying yourselves,” oh there’s Luna. “So Fruit, how did you manage to tame a pack of timber wolves?”
“Chin scratches.”
“Sounds about right.” The three of us laughed and we began to walk along while my guards played with my wolves. Just found out that Chryssy and Luna have dated in the past, so that’s neat. I guess being immortal makes you more willing to swing both ways, especially in a country like Equus where the female to male ratio is so skewered. Then again, I think that swinging both ways is just a normal thing for ponies.
Who knows? I might hit Skitter up one day- no, that would be weird. Mostly because I’m dating, and will be marrying, his mother. So in a sense, he’ll be my adoptive son.
One of my wolves trotted up to Luna, tilted its head and Luna gave it the side eye. Not a moment later Luna’s eyes are wide, covered in timber wolf spit, and the timber wolf that licked her was laughing. The fact that these things can laugh so similarly to a human being is kinda scary and hilarious at the same time. “Well, I see that your particular wolves are not that dangerous; I will make sure to write a permit for you when we return to Canterlot.”
Maybe I shouldn’t tell Luna that these particular timber wolves were literally eating a dead pony when I met them. That would definitely put a damper on her moods towards my pets. I’m not affected by that face because I’m an insensitive prick that capitalizes off of animalistic reactions from the public, because I’m a hero- I mean, comedian. Death is funny.
“So, what are your costumes for Nightmare Night?” I asked.
Luna immediately turned into Nightmare Moon, how I knew it was, don’t ask because when I met Nightmare Moon, it wasn’t cannon. “I usually participate in scaring children in this form, I hate being in this form as it brings up bad memories, but the children love it, so I will put up with it tonight.” Chrysalis giggled. “And Chrysalis thought transforming into my sister’s corrupted form would work very nicely alongside myself.” On cue, Chrysalis transformed into Daybreaker, why do I know the name? Don’t question it, I heard it from a little bird from another universe.
His name was also Fruit Punch, funnily enough. He was dead, so he must be right. Another told me that I met Chrysalis at a wedding in another timeline and got kidnapped shortly after kissing her.
Both mares promptly turned back into their more natural forms. “So Fruit, I heard you were going to be using your new pets to help aid you with your costume?” I nodded.
“I was gonna just use some white cloth, glue some sticks to it, and be a forest spirit. I learnt how to make my eyes glow with magic, so I can make the illusion work. And because I am such a nice guy, I won’t scare children too badly.”
“I believe that the town’s children would like it if you tried to traumatize them, sir,” Skitter pointed out.
“True.”
“Fruit! You didn’t tell me you were in town!” a little filly wearing a crown came running towards me, and I immediately recognized who it was. Diamond Tiara came to a complete stop and started trembling in fear. Oh right, two big, pony eating animals were right in front of this child. One of my wolves, sensing the filly’s fear, trotted over and sniffed her.
“Scoob, do not, I repeat, do not eat that child-” Diamond Tiara’s scream turned into giggles as the timber wolf began to tickle her with its tongue. For an animal that really likes to eat ponies, these wolves were oddly friendly- of course they were, they weren’t hungry and had a nice, healthy filling of fish. Scoob eventually flopped down and Diamond called Silver Spoon over and the two of them eventually started to play tag with the timber wolf. My other wolf even joined in and so did several other children.
If only cameras were capable of recording video, because I would one hundred percent film this for later.
There’s a spell for that actually. Time to rob Twilight’s house of her magical equation book. Did I say rob? I meant permanently borrowing her spell book..
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“Hello, Welcome to Mcdonalds, Home of the Big Mac, How Can I Take Your Order?”
(Shortly after Fruit hit Twilight Sparkle in the face)
Twilight Sparkle woke up dazed, before glaring off in the direction Fruit Punch had left in. Never before had she met somepony that was… so rude. All the time, he doesn’t pay her, or her friends, any respect and he had just hit her! He knocked her out! Just because Fruit was now in a position of power does not give him the right to hit her! “Spike!” The former unicorn teleported the dragon to her, and he blinked a couple of times.
“Write a letter,” Spike nodded and got ready to write what his adoptive sibling was going to say.
“Dear Princess Celestia, it has come to my attention that Fruit hasn’t been treating anypony around Ponyville very nicely. Aside from school children, he hasn’t been very… polite to say the least. I am thinking we teach him the true meaning of friendship, since I, Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, hereby request taking Fruit away from his duties in Canterlot to study friendship under my tutelage. Your student, Twilight Sparkle.”
Spike then burnt the message with his fire, and it quickly wisped away to Canterlot for a certain Sun Princess to review.
(Fruit’s POV)
So, Princess Celestia requested that I come and talk to her for some reason. Maybe she found out that I kept stealing money from random vending machines, perhaps she just wanted some tea, whatever it was, I don’t know. Oh well, it can’t be that bad, so I told my guards to stay put at my home(an order I know they will selectively ignore), filled up my timber wolves’ food bowls, and began trotting off to Canterlot Castle.
I waved at a couple of my neighbors as I walked on by, purely because I was happy to be away from Twilight and her friends. That alicorn treats it like I can’t defend myself when I’ve accidentally become undefeated in singular combat. If you don’t count me tripping over a bush a loss for me, or my one on one with my hoof and a table leg. Listen, stubbing your hoof hurts more than stepping on a Lego brick.
“Name’s Fruit,” I told one of the guards, and I was promptly let by. I trotted along, actually bought a bag of chips from a vending machine(oh my god, I’m improving as a person, admire me), and quickly made my way through Canterlot Castle and came to a stop in front of the throne room for Princess Celestia, and took a deep breath. She might be my friend, but it still feels weird to casually walk into a throne room and go. “Hola mi amigo! How’s it going?”
I opened the doors, which were unguarded for some reason, and wanted to immediately back out. Standing before me was the entire Elements of Harmony, all sitting around and chatting with each other. Twilight Sparkle caught a glimpse of me and gave me a smug look. Well, so much for getting away with knocking her out. Well, whatever Celestia will punish me with cannot be that bad.
“Good morning Fruit Punch, how was your trip to Ponyville?” Oh great, Celly’s unreadable now. That’s not a good sign, since usually I can read her pretty easily. Well, I think I can, but it has been a while since we’ve chatted, so I think I’m just a little rusty. That, or I ran out of dandelions and can’t get high enough to become overtly intelligent and aware of my surroundings. I walked on in, making sure to stay clear of Apple Jack, who was glaring at me.
“I’m doing well, Celly. Why the heck are the elements here?”
“Well, they are here because Princess Twilight requested an audience from me. I have heard of your behavior to most of Ponyville’s locals, Fruit.”
“I don’t even talk to anybody while I’m in Ponyville, Celestia. The only pony I talk to is Twilight, who keeps trying to get me to talk about changelings with her. Or Apple Jack because she keeps trying to castrate me, or Rarity who keeps trying to get measurements of me for some reason. Essentially the only people I talk to in Ponyville are the elements, and so far, only Fluttershy isn’t a nutjob, but I haven’t really even spoken with her yet.”
“Does that warrant hitting Twilight in the head with a blunt object, Fruit?”
“Well, it’s the only way to get away from her when I’m in Ponyville.”
“I was trying to make sure you didn’t walk right into the Everfree, Fruit Punch!”
“Madam, I wasn’t going in unarmed or unprepared, and I only got lost for a good five hours, thank you-“ both mine and Twilight’s muzzles clamped shut by Celestia’s golden, magical aura.
“We will not be arguing like foals in this throne room. Fruit, in order to make up for your poor behavior, you will be learning friendship from Twilight.” Oh god no.
“In Ponyville.” Oh god please no.
“For a month.” Celestia finished. Okay, where’s my gun? I am going to actually shoot myself before I even- fuck I forgot my gun at home. Welp, that’s fun, I am going to need a lot of sugarcane for this shit-
“And you have to remain sober throughout your entire stay in Ponyville, Fruit.” My eye twitched a couple of times while Twilight’s grin got bigger and bigger. “And no magic.”
“Oh… I forgot I had magic.” Twilight’s jaw dropped when I said that. Yea, that’s right, woman, I’m an idiot! Well darn, I have to use hooves, like I do for most of the time I’m awake. Boohoo! However, I will make it! A magic prohibiting ring was promptly put on my head and I gave it a poke. It was tightly hugging my horn, which was starting to get annoying, but whatever. “So, I assume I can’t just bring Chrysalis or my guards along, can I?” I asked.
“You may not, I have already told Queen Chrysalis about this, and she fully understands.”
(In Celestia’s bedroom, Chrysalis is tied to a chair with a magic prohibiting ring on her head. You can hear muffled slurs and insults being directed to Celestia from Manehattan)
“Oh well, let’s just get this over with.” Little did Celestia know that me while sober isn’t a good idea, because now my ADHD is going to be worse than usual. Also, I’m way better at pretending to be nice(thank you customer service experience) when I’m sober. I just like not being aware of anything, hence my need to feel high all the time. All of you will know the torture that is Nice Fruit Punch, almost become a McDoanlds General Manager with his customer service skills, Fruit Punch. I will sell you a Big Mac, Sunbutt.
The seven of us began to walk out of the throne room and I immediately reached into my butt pocket and pulled out a lollipop. “So Twilight, when’s my first lesson?” I asked before licking the treat as I stumbled along.
“You… actually want to begin your lessons? Now?”
“Yeah, I might as well get this over with. I can’t wait to learn to be nice to people!” Apple Jack rubbed her chin at that.
“Ah’ have a feeling you might be lying, but you’re a bit hard to read, Fruit. Ah’m keepin’ an eye on you.”
“Cool. When are you going to skin me for not liking cooked apples?” Apple Jack shrugged.
“I was honestly thinking about letting that go. It’s clear that you have you- where’d you get that pie from?”
“Found a McDonalds Apple Pie that’s almost a year old. Didn’t even know I had one of these!” I sniffed it and stuck my tongue out. “Okay yeah, I’m not eating that,” I said before promptly swallowing it whole. I did my best not to shiver as the foul, foul, old piece of shit slithered down my throat. Everybody around me gagged a couple times at my display before I inwardly smirked. Good luck you six, I’m unmedicated and sober.
We hopped on the train and I had finished my lollipop. I know, a very important detail, it was cherry flavored and delicious, thank you. I sat down next to Fluttershy and figured I might as well be nice to her, like genuinely nice. It was kinda hard to hate the shy pegasus, since she was actually really chill, despite her severe social anxiety. “So, how’s your day going?”
“Good,” Fluttershy squeaked out.
“So, what’s it like being the living embodiment of Kindness?” I asked. I was kinda curious, to have your defining trait be made for you by destiny.
“It’s… cool, I guess.” It sounded like Fluttershy wanted to talk more, but wasn’t super sure as to how to start the conversation. Everything about her, from her submissive body language, down to how she was looking at me screamed ‘nice girl, but very shy’. It’s probably a miracle that she was willing to talk to me anyways.
“Say Fruit?” I looked away from Fluttershy when Twilight called my name. “So your first lesson when we get off the train will be showing kindness,” I nodded. “So any bricks that you may have, hoof them up,” I nodded.
“So uh, I kinda used up all of my butt pocket space on…” I pulled out a guitar and a portable piano that played notes magically. They were both impulse buys that I made at some point, and I was kinda excited to try out the piano, while I had minor experience in playing the guitar while learning how to play Bo Burnham songs for a talent show at my high school.
My father called me a disappointment when I came in second.
“So Fruit, I am going to quiz you with a few scenarios, and I want you to tell me how you'd respond.” I nodded again.
“So somepony trips and falls, what do you do?”
“Help them up and laugh about it afterwards.” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What? Unless it’s an old man or woman, tripping usually isn’t going to kill or disable somebody unless it’s from a three story building’s roof. You should’ve painted a broader picture. Because if it were an old guy, I’d see if they’re alright and probably get them some medical attention. If it’s a kid, I’ll check if they’re alright and comfort them a bit. I’m not a complete asshole, I just don’t like certain purple alicorns that try to suck me out of every single bit of information possible.”
“Moving on, somepony looks sad, and you later find out that their mother passed away. What do you do?” Twilight, how did you just skip over me saying I didn’t like you?
“Well, I am a really shitty therapist, so I have them talk about it if they want to. The road to recovery from grief is just letting out, or taking it in solitude. If they wanna be left alone, I leave them alone for a bit, and check in on them from time to time. it just varies from person to person”
“Wrong! You’re supposed to hug them and tell them that they should move on!” What? Okay, maybe comforting the person isn’t too bad of an idea, but say this isn’t your friend who’s grieving over their fucking Mom dying. Chances are that they’ll want to be left alone. Twilight, what the fuck- also, telling people to grow a pair when their mom dies is a good way of getting punched in the face.
“Next, you see two friends fighting, what do you do?”
“Well, first, I check if they’re joking around or not, which is easy to do by reading body language. If it’s a joke argument, let it happen. If my friends aren’t joking, mediate, figure out what's wrong and help them find a middle-“
“Wrong! You’re supposed to tell them to stop!” What the fuck. That was basically what I was saying, but in a dumber way! Just trying to butt into a heated argument is hard to do you idiot-
“So, your friend decides to do something stupid, and tries to talk you into it. Your response?”
“Tell them they’re a dumbass and talk them out of it. I’m not letting my friend go jump off a cliff-“
“Wrong! You let them do that stupid thing and tell them off later!” My eye twitched a couple of times. This pony, the same one that prioritized research over her friends’ well being, just told me that if I got a friend who’s gonna stand in front of an incoming train for a prank, I should let them do it, and reprimand them when they’re dead because they got hit by a train. Twilight, the true epitome of friendship, ladies and gents.
And then she wonders why I don’t like her.
“You seem to have a bad grasp on being kind to your friends, so I say we have you learn as soon as we get off the train. How does that sound?” Twilight sounded way too cheery.
“Didn’t Apple Jack try to kill me over not liking her stupid pie instead of kindly letting me have my own opinion?”
“That was just family pride- I was just reacting poorly. It’s not often that somepony says my family’s secret recipe pie is terrible.”
“It tasted good, but I’m a texture based eater, Apple Jack. Apple pie is just full of slimy shit that feels wrong. So I couldn’t tolerate it! It’s fucking good pie, I just don’t care for it!” I took a deep breath, before holding my head in my hooves. “Jesus christ, I am going to buy a noose and a chair as soon as we get off of this train. I would rather go back to Earth and work at a McDonalds than do this shi-“
“We’re going to need to work on your language. You swear too much,” Twilight said.
“There it is, That Funny Feeling!” I sang while strumming my guitar. God, if this guitar wasn’t three hundred bits, I would bash my head in with this thing. I act like a dickhead to these ponies so they would leave me alone and this is where it gets me. No Fruit, do not sniff glue, you can do this! Customer service mode, activate! I sat up and raised my voice an octave.
“Sure! What else can I do for you, your highness?”
The train came to a stop and we all got off the train. “Well, I’m going to get my library ready for your studies. I want you to stick with Rarity for the time being.”
“Sure thing, your highness. I am looking forward to studying under your wing!” Twilight cringed.
“I don’t know if I liked you more while you were being rude or not, you acting like this… sounds off.”
“Nope! This is just how I act while not drunk or high, your highness. My voice goes up an octave and I give a crap about how you’re feeling! I solely exist to make your day better!” I slowly turned to Rarity while keeping a giant, shit eating grin on my face. “So, how about we go to your boutique and get me measured! I’m sure you’ve been dying to get me measured since day one of meeting me!” Rarity’s eyes widened at that.
When we got to the boutique, Sweetie Bell came running down stairs with a little drawing in her mouth, before gasping at the sight of me. “Fruit? What are you doing back in Ponyville so soon?” Okay, a child. I’m usually nice to children without having to do my customer service shtick.
“I’m just stopping by so Rarity can get measurements on me since I missed my train,” I said like a filthy liar.
“Darling, please stop speaking like that, it is scary.”
I raised my voice up another octave. “Sure! Anything else I can help you with? Should I-“ I was lifted up in light blue magic, and tossed out the door. I sat up and silently fist bumped the air as I got up and trotted two steps before being stopped by Apple Jack, who had a tray full of various apple treats- all of which were warm; more cooked fruit! “Oh! I assume you want me to take a taste test?”
“Yup! There’s gotta be one dish with cooked apples that you don’t hate!”
I slowly worked my way through each treat before rubbing my chin and smiling. “It’s all delicious, Apple Jack! I can’t wait to have another bite!” I said cheerfully.
“Okay partner, where is the actual Fruit Punch and what have you done to him?”
“I’m Fruit Punch! You can have Princess Twilight run a changeling scan on me just to make sure!” Apple Jack nodded with half lidded eyes, before leading me to the Ponyville library. Twilight was sitting at her table and she waved at me. After being prompted, I was scanned with a changeling detection spell, and then I sat down at the table.
“So your first friendship lesson is kindness! First, open up your textbook and-“ she paused and her mouth hung open. “Open to page one…” I had already read sixteen pages after I sat down and was scanned it. This is all nice, telling me how to be nice, there were various bits on being nice that was genuine advice, while stuff like not telling your friend the truth about an ugly dress was perfectly fine. Isn't honesty the best policy, Twilight?
“So, what have you learnt after chapter one of kindness?” Twilight asked.
“Be nice to everypony, treat them like you would treat your family! Even if they just killed somebody!” Twilight’s eyes widened again.
“Fruit… What the hay? What happened to the same pony that had hit me in the head three days ago?”
“I’m just being nice to a Friend, Twilight!”
Several hours later in customer service mode, Twilight was beating her head on the table while I complied with her and took a kindness test. And every order and command I gave, I even scrubbed her toilet squeaky clean! All with a smile and a happy attitude. As it turns out, blatantly answering most of the questions wrong on a kindness test got me an A+, which is pretty cool. “I. Can’t. Take. This! Fruit, you are being way, way too nice! What happened to you being an… an asshole three days ago?”
“I’m just being nice for a friend, your highness! Can I get you a cup of water? You’re sweating a lot, and you’ll get dehydrated if you don’t drink something soon.” I paused for a moment and went on complete auto pilot. “Hello, welcome to Mcdoanlds, home of the Big Mac, how can I take your order today-“
I was now in Celestia’s throne room with a sticky note on my head…
“Please keep this thing away from Ponyville,” Princess Celestia read before eyeballing me. “What did you do?”
“I treated everypony around me with kindness-“ I was then promptly teleported into the dungeons, where I came face to face with Chrysalis. I dropped the customer service mode. “Chryssy!”
“Fruit!” Chrysalis hugged me very tightly as I buried my face into her chest. Well, now I don't have to speak with Twilight or her friends ever again!
(Celestia shivered. Seeing Fruit being nice was very off putting)
Author's Note
Wow, I fired this out really fucking fast, huh?
Anyways, this is the aftermath of Fruit knocking Twilight out, and generally being a dickhead. Watch out or Nice Fruit Punch might sell you a Quarter Pounder with cheese!
Also the title is a reference to Good Burger.
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This Isn’t Canon 2: The Invasion(bonus chapter)
So like, I could go on the whole spiel about listening to your parents, or else you’ll end up in magical pony land, or I could not. What matters is that I’m walking through a city full of horses, all of which have butt tattoos, and some have wings and some don’t for no discernible reason. So, me being me, decided that maybe I shouldn’t question what the hell was going on, and keep walking.
What I can tell you, is that the city I was walking in was on the side of a mountain, and it was currently covered in a pink fish bowl. As for why it was covered in a fishbowl, well, there’s these bug horses that are currently slamming their heads into it, and a couple looked at me like they wanted to eat my face, so there’s a pretty solid chance that I don’t want that fish bowl to break.
Also there’s just a lot of screaming coming from the city center, where a huge castle was. And… oh hey, two horse bugs came crashing down, and then more, and more, and more. Like a good thousand of these fuckers came crashing down and chasing people. Me, being the unfortunate bastard that I was, got chased by two specific changeling drones; the first one that crashed through the fishbowl.
It was complete chaos, bug horses chased horses, my mom told me I wasn’t a failure, and I was trying not to get turned into a chalk outline(can’t mention death can we? Fuck, I just mentioned death). I ran into an alleyway in hopes that I could maybe lose these horse bugs chasing me- only to run face first into a wall, and scream as loudly as possible. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! My nose!”
And.... one of the drones found me. It began to creep forward, like a wolf getting ready to deal the finishing blow to a deer. Its huge fangs really did not look inviting, and it was snarking a bit. Despite all of this, it was kinda cute, and I wanted to keep it. “You insolent pony. Fleeing is futile,” it, well it was a girl actually, said as it crept so I was damn near nose and nose with it. The only thing keeping me from being nose to nose was my hoof, which was caressing my aching nose.
So I reached out and started rubbing the horse bug’s neck. It’s a dangerous horse bug, and I want one. Monkey brain says pet it, so I pet it. I petted her for a good five minutes until the other horse bug caught up to us, and it raised an… eye ridge? I don’t see any body hair on these things. “Really, Scatter? Can’t you ignore cuddles for at least on invasion?”
“Skitter, come over here. This pony’s hooves are so… nice.” ‘Scatter’ let out a pleased moan as I began to scratch at her ears. Skitter shook his head before putting a hoof on his friend’s back. He looked at me with a ‘sorry about my friend’ look, before nudging Scatter a couple of times.
“Come on Scatter, let’s leave this pony here, and we can come collect him once Mom is done marrying that stupid captain.”
“No! I’m keeping him!” Scatter said before lunging on top of me… and was now hugging and pinning me to the ground at the same time. Almost immediately, a pink blast sent me, Skitter, and Scatter flying. I was only sent flying because Scatter apparently had an iron tight grip on me, and… we were flying through the sky. I don’t know how long, or why, but I assume that the magical blast that launched us has to do with what is happening.
Surprisingly, I wasn’t hurt at all when I landed, and neither were my two bug horse friends. Nor were the other nine hundred ninety-eight other horse bugs that landed. Including a really tall bug horse that had wispy hair and a matching tail. “Dangit! We were so close!” The tall bug horse said, slamming her hooves into the ground. “I was so close to feeding all of you! If it weren’t for that…” her eyes fell upon me.
“Perhaps, perhaps this invasion will not be a complete failure.” What the fuck was she on about? Scatter asked for more belly rubs, so I did so with complete compliance and zero complaints. Surprisingly, the feeling of rubbing a rather soft exoskeleton was a really nice sensation, and made me wish I had human hands so I could properly scratch Scatter.
Skitter kept on shaking his head like an older sibling being embarrassed by their younger, sillier sibling. Now there was.. a whole line and a sign that read ‘get pets and scratches here’ for some reason. Cool, I am- “Enough!” A voice with a lot of authority made my ears ring with the sheer volume that came from the tall bug horse. “Tell me, pony, how did you get swept up in the love blast?”
“I was holding onto him, Mother. I was going to suck him dry of love but… then he started rubbing my neck and it felt so, so good! And we get love through such physical contact, so I decided we could keep him for… more long term love drainage, if you will,” Scatter said, who was not shivering in fear, her head hanging and general jitteriness prove that very well.
“Hmm, a pony that accepts changelings for what they are?” I tilted my head.
“What?”
“Worry not, my little friend. We will house and feed you. In return, all I ask is thst you help my Hive diplomatically get back into the good graces of Equestria. Then we can take over it from there, as revenge for curling myself and my starving children across the country side.”
“Eh, sure. Free food is a way to win a man’s heart.”
“Good, because killing a pretty little thing such as yourself would almost be wasteful,” the Queen winked at me, and I felt a shiver down my spine.
“Next!” Skitter shouted and I was immediately hounded by sixteen changelings all at once. These next few years were going to be nice and long.
Within the first year, I managed to nearly memorize every changeling drone by name, and now Chrysalis, the Queen, was trying to get me to marry her. Somebody send help, or a bag of crack. Like please, please stop, Chryssy. You’re pretty cool and all, but your constant scheming for world domination is reminding me of an angry mustache model from Germany and it’s scaring me.
It’s the only reason why I didn’t say no the third time, because I think Chrysalis might be slightly insane.
Also we captured the Princess’s student, and instead of holding her for ransom, I decided to leave her hanging in a tree from her tail. Boy did she not like that.
Author's Note
Once again, don’t expect normal chapters to be this short. I would’ve gotten a full length one out, but I spent most of my writing time on writing the draft for this story’s version of ‘Twilight’s Kingdom’. So this was a bonus chapter idea I had for a while, and so I made this to make up for it.
Also there goes my chapter posting streak : (
Pet Stories before Sunset
As much as Celestia wanted to keep me and Chrysalis locked in the dungeons, where we spent plenty of time making out and cuddling, thank you, she did have to let us go. For one thing, I was essentially Sunset Shimmer’s therapist, and politically, it would look bad to lock up your protectorate’s leader for no apparent reason other than ‘keeping her away from her boyfriend’. So, we were released, Celestia told me to never use my customer service voice again, and sent us on our merry little way.
So here I was, trotting through the castle, up to where Sunset’s room was(Celestia really didn’t want to call it a prison cell), with one of my timber wolves, I think it was Woody, but I’m not completely sure) with nobles and politicians running away in fear of my timber wolf. Oh come on you bunch of babies? Have you never seen a dog that is easily twice as tall as a midget? Well, Woody wasn’t just walking beside me, since like any dog, he was sniffing at anything and everything he could. He even sniffed at a petrified Royal Guard who almost pissed himself. This is where this chapter gets more fun, since for some reason, I keep getting complaints about my pets.
So while I walk up this stupidly long flight of stairs, allow me to just… tell you about them. Because I could teleport into Sunset’s room, but I feel like walking today and I kinda forgot that I could teleport. And I’m already on the first step, so now I have to finish the job. That’s right, we’re walking away from today’s main plot for a few paragraphs so I can talk about my timber wolves and tiny incidents involving them.
So this one time I decided to go to Canterlot Park and play fetch with my timber wolves. I brought the whole pack out, a bunch of toys, and other cool things. I was just tossing a ball for Woody while Scoob and Leafy were wrestling each other, Skitter was wrestling another wolf(and winning), while Scatter was having a staring contest with the last wolf. Obviously, I was having a good time, my wolves were doing photosynthesis, so they were full and happy little things, and by little, these guys weighed about three times as much as I did, and they were all about twice as tall as I was at the shoulders.
After I had tossed the ball some kid, some rich looking kid, walked up to one of my wolves and started playing with them. Cool, whatever, whoever this kid’s parents were, should keep an eye on him, but whatever. The funny thing is, my timber wolves were surprisingly gentle with the kid when they were playing with him, making sure not to bump into him too hard, flopping over at the slightest nudge from the kid, and the kid was having fun. So obviously his Mom and Dad came along and the kid gets this bright idea:
“Hey Mum?” Yes, he is British apparently, because he’s rich, so he has a British accent and dialect. “Can I keep this timber wolf?” The mother nodded, before walking up to me with a coin purse.
“Hello sir, my name is Fancy Shoes. My son would like to buy one of your timber wolves, please. I will pay you any price you ask for, without hesitation. So, here is the initial payment, now, Crocs, go pick out a wolf you want!”
“Whoa, hold it lady, I don’t know if you know this, but all five of these wolves are mine, and require a permit to own. I got mine,” I flashed a small badge with Luna’s stamp of approval on it. “From the crown not too long ago, hence why I own five of these good boys,” Woody promptly returned with the tennis ball I threw, dropped it on the ground, and stared at it while occasionally glancing up at me. He was panting somehow, his leaf tongue was hanging out the side of his mouth, but he looked so damn happy that I couldn’t help but pat the timber wolf on the head. “So not only would it be pretty damn illegal for you to own one of these wolves, the permit says I cannot resell any of my animals unless the person I am selling to also has a permit.”
“But I am paying you at least one thousand bits! The least you can do is be grateful that I’m paying you at all!”
I handed the bag of bits back. “M’am. I am not selling you one of my timber wolves, and I’m not doing this because I legally can’t. I’m doing this because they’re my pets, my friends. I ain’t selling them to you even for the billions of bits in Celestia and Luna’s personal funds. Back off before I hit you in the head with a brick!” I grabbed Woody by the neck, who was now snarling at the lady, along with the other four wolves I owned. “No bud, no killing the stupid lady, we’ll get arrested and put in jail for a very long time if you do.” Woody blinked, nodded, and licked my cheek with that adorable little leaf tongue of his.
“That’s it! I will see you in Day Court, you bastard!”
So I got dragged along into daycourt, after sending Scatter and Skitter home with my pack(woohoo so much for playing with my dogs today), and was now seated before Princess Celestia, who was reading the documents for this little case. She gave a warm, very clearly not real smile(to me at least, but I’m used to Celly, not Princess Celestia) and looked up from the documents. “Allow Princess Luna to show up, she will be able to verify that Fruit is the rightful owner of his timber wolves, and then we will read over the terms and conditions of the permit that Fruit has in order to keep his wolves.”
Luna walked in shortly afterwards, with the night hat on, and she looked tired as fuck. But one sip from a coffee cup and she was alert and wide awake, while still looking like she was about to pass out. Without a word, Luna looked at my permit and nodded. “That is in fact, my seal, my signature, and a permit I made for Fruit Punch exactly one week ago after I returned from Nightmare Night. And allow me to state the terms for my friend, Fruit Punch.”
“Lemme guess, no selling my wolves to non-permit holders. I am fully responsible for feeding, housing, and training my animals. I’m also responsible if my animals are to harm, maim, or kill anybody. I am allowed to walk around with my animals while they are unleashed if they listen to me, which they do by the way. I believe I haven’t violated any laws, correct?” Luna nodded.
“You would have if you actually sold to Mrs. Shoes, as she does not wield a permit to own a pack of timber wolves. So I believe you are safe Fruit!”
“But I gave him money that he didn’t return-” everybody blinked when a mirror popped up and started replaying a memory, you know, the one where I gave back the bitch’s money. “To me…”
“So, what else can I do for you, Mrs. Shoes, is there anything else you would like to add?” The lady shook her head and was sent on her way. I, on the other hand, was told to stay.
“Fruit, when did you learn to project your memories?”
“I borrowed a book from the Ponyville Library and returned it not too long ago in the mail.”
(Twilight read a letter attached to it that basically said ‘hello, welcome to Mcdonalds, home of the Big Mac’ and she promptly had a panic attack)
Anyways, that was just one amazingly fun moment I had as a responsible dog owner, and it was awesome. I almost got put into debt for a million bits because of it. Now I’m bored, so let me tell you another fun story that involves my timber wolves during Nightmare Night.
So you see, Nightmare Night is basically halloween, but not exactly halloween. Somebody, for whatever reason, decided to throw eggs at one of my timber wolves, thinking they were just a bunch of ponies in timber wolf costumes. So logically, I had to restrain my wolves with my magic(with some minor aid from Luna and Chrysalis because I was struggling a bit), while I said egg throwing idiots ran away screaming when I started throwing bricks at them.
The next day, because of course it’s the next day, the egg throwing idiots decided to try and sue me for assault, which was very quickly discharged once Luna started giving them the stink eye.
This one other time, somebody tried to tell me my dogs were bad, terrible, monsters that deserved to get killed. A moment later, the guy has a brick embedded a couple inches into his skull, and fully knocked out. Not dead, because that would be murder, and murder would be very bad. I made sure he was still alive before anonymously leaving him in a nearby hospital. You do not call my pony-eating timber wolves monsters, or I will make sure you do not enjoy waking up on a stretcher.
I wield the power of bricks, fools, you can’t stop me even if you tried.
Ah fuck, now we’re out of stairs. See you next time when we go down the stairs and I will tell you more fun stories that I remember when I walk down alone. For now, however, it is time for Sunset Shimmer’s therapy session. I told a guard my name and reason for being in the same tower that had only one prisoner- I mean resident. Because we weren’t keeping Sunset in this tower as a punishment for stealing somebody’s magical crown.
Not at all, we were actually going to give her a nicer room with a bigger window because we want her to feel welcomed. I knocked on Sunset’s door, and entered once given permission. What? She might be a prisoner, but I’m not a warden, I’m simply her really poorly trained therapist with an unhealthy obsession with learning human(and pony) psychology. Sunset’s room looked rather unchanged, but there were a few changes.
For instance, the once purple curtains were now yellow in color, the blue carpet was swapped out for a pleasant red, and it looked really nice. The rising sun, which lasts about six minutes here in Equestria, made the place have a nice, homely feel that I wish my shitty one room apartment had. Like the living room was the size of my whole house. There was another room off to the side of the room, that Sunset was now leaving.
She had a towel wrapped around her hair, another around her waist, which covered her rear end and tail. And the room she had just left was emitting a bunch of steam. Thank god that showering or bathing naked, or walking around naked, wasn’t a social fallacy here. Because that meant it wasn’t considered sexual assault to be walking in on this. Now, it would be kinda creepy if I were to keep staring at Sunset, but here’s the thing. I don’t stare at anything other than the wall on occasion while zoning out, or at Chrysalis when I get distracted and accidentally stare at her rear end.
That gets a lot of teasing out of my girlfriend. But the point still stands, only Chryssy takes up my attention when it comes to pony, or pony like, beings that I consider attractive and would like to stare at. I wonder what a shiny Chryssy would look like… bet it would be sexy as fuck.
“Good mornin’ Sunset, hope you don’t mind the timber wolf I brought with me.” The unicorn blinked a couple of times.
“I read that in the newspaper, you know. Somehow, you, of all ponies, manage to tame timber wolves, whereas most ponies who try to do the same end up dead or ’missing in action’.” Sunset sat down on the couch and reclined. “So, how is your day going so far, Fruit? Surely owning a timber wolf must be exciting.” Sunset reared up on two hooves, took the towel on her head, and quickly began to dry her mane out with it, before promptly tossing it in a pile of used towels.
Also, every single book in this room was marked with ‘read already’ or ‘uninteresting’, which probably isn’t a good sign. Ponies are about as smart as humans from what I can tell, so they need some good mental stimulation, or else they get bored, or go insane from having nothing to do. Especially in Sunset’s case, who remains mostly isolated from her own kind, and was isolated throughout most of her time on the… Equus-like-Earth. So the fact that she hasn’t gone completely insane yet says a lot about her.
Like how hasn’t she gone mad yet? Hopefully her sessions with me will help her out a bit.
“I own five actually,” Sunset’s jaw dropped. “And they are so fucking mellow. They’re like capybaras except capable of killing people in very horrible and painful ways. I spent an hour just poking Woody here, and he ended up licking my hoof. It’s only been what? A couple weeks after I got my wolves, and I fucking love them!” I chuckled. “I might even like them more than my guards.”
A paper airplane hit me in the back of the head and I read the note. “Alright, changelings are still way cooler than timber wolves. I love them both.” Another one hit me and I read it again. “Yes, I know, I am going to have to pamper you, Scatter, for saying that. Scatter, how would you like your dick sucked?” Another one hit me and it basically had ‘Where the fuck did that come from’ written out on it, and it made me snicker.
Sunset Shimmer, having not yet met my guards, blinked a couple times and tilted her head in confusion. Okay, seriously why would I be perfectly happy with having any of these guys as a pet if they weren’t… you know, incredibly intelligent to the point of calling them a ‘pet’ would be highly insulting to their intelligence? Like Sunset Shimmer, the very pony that threatened mine and Twilight’s way home, was staring at me like a puppy when shown something new.
I’ll introduce her to Skitter and Scatter later today. We got all day together, since I agreed to give Sunset a full day of therapy over just an hour.
“So, let’s begin, have you thought over what I asked you last week?” Sunset Shimmer nodded.
“I think… I think I know what I want now. I want to resume my studies, but in something less intent than being under Celestia’s direct tutorage. I love learning, I really do, but Celestia’s teachings are also really, really nice, but the stress that comes with the position is so… crushing.” I nodded and rubbed my chin.
“Perhaps you could explore Equestria and learn things as you go along. I can even request that your travel funds are provided and paid for. I have a lot of connections, mainly two princesses and a Changeling Queen, that might be willing to help you out in your endeavors. Perhaps I can even see if there are any advanced schools that would like to take you in. But,” I pulled out a soccer ball. “Let’s get you out of this room, I bet it sucks having to be stuck in this tower all day.”
Sunset Shimmer jumped on me, which alerted Woody(who then laid back down after realizing what had happened). Sunset jumped up, nuzzled against me while repeatedly saying ‘thank you’ and it made me kinda confused.
“Are you happy that you get to touch actual grass, or are you happy about the traveling bit?”
“Both! Mostly being able to get out of this tower and stretch my hooves. Did Celestia give you permission to let me out?”
“Nah. If she has a problem with it, whatever. You can’t use magic so there’s really no risk of you getting away anyways, plus I bet sitting up here all day sucks, doesn’t it?”
“Yes! I don’t even get any books to read.”
“You had one last week.”
“It sucked!”
I then magicked in the whole Star Wars collection I bought during my ‘trip’ to the human world. “Read this shit then. I think you’ll like it.” Sunset’s eyes lit up.
“I will! I’ve been hoping to, but the school library was always fully checked out if them, and I wanted to actually pay for the books, but it was so expensive.”
I chuckled and patted Sunset’s back. “C’mon, let’s go on that walk, and then we can come back here and read the Phantom Menace together.” Sunset nodded and trotted beside me with a lot of spring in every step.
Good. This is a huge step up from last week.
We made our way out to the Royal Gardens, which were just really big fields with a couple statues sprinkled around, along with some flowers. Sunset sniffed a daisy before plucking it off the stem, chewed it with a gleeful squeak, and swallowed it. “Thank god! It’s been so long since I could just grab a daisy! I love them so much and… when I learnt that I couldn’t eat them as a human, I got kinda sad; I wouldn't be able to eat my favorite snack. Potentially, I wouldn’t get to see myself in the mirror as a pony ever again, and here I am, as a pony.”
“I can imagine, I miss cheese burgers, not really, but I do want one. Hay burgers are nice, but not the same, along with hay fries, they’re just weird. I wish I grabbed some Fun Dip while on Earth while Twilight was doing whatever the hell she was doing, but I didn’t. I find it to be whatever though, since fish is still common enough in the market for me to have some kind of meat every now and then. Plus it’s either this, or die sad and lonely and in debt. Here, I got a nice girlfriend that’s smoking hot, no debt, and I get to do pretty much whatever.
“So really, I am taking the lesser of two evils when it comes to the quality of life.” I tapped my hoof on the ground as I bumped the soccer ball with my head, and flinched when I felt my skull make contact with my tiny brain. “Have you ever thought of sitting down with a handsome stallion and having kids?”
“I have on occasion, but assumed I wouldn’t have the time to, since I would still be trying to become an alicorn under Celestia.”
“Well, now that you aren’t being held to that level of business, why not go out, date a couple ponies, and see if you find a lover. Don’t matter if it’s a guy or not, just find love, since we all suck, but love can make us suck less. You get to live your life, instead of confining it to a tiny little room while you read up on the newest way to slightly improve your already immense magical power.”
“You know… I could share you with Chrysalis.,” Sunset said while batting her eyelashes at me.
“Nah, we humans usually operate on this mindset: Find love, love the person you love, and only that person you love. It’s to the point where humans usually mate for life and usually only with the one mate; both must have complete loyalty to each other. I bet you’re a great guy, but Chrysalis is who I belong to,” I grinned and pointed at one of the guards watching you.
“He’s been trying to stare at your butt, but your towel is in the way. I think he likes how it emphasizes… something, I don’t know.”
“Wait, I left my… dammit. Now this towel will get dirty.” She paused and slowly started glowing red as she realized I had said. The guard that I pointed out, now had his helmet covering his eyes, since he probably heard that comment. Aw, I might have to try and set these two up on a blind date.
Sunset and this random guard would be a cute couple.
(Fruit’s POV)
So uh, I guess this is a thing now. Somebody got found in an alleyway, basically dead, and drained of all his magic. I don’t know why or how the hell his magic got drained, but I suppose it’s going to be my problem soon. You see, I am currently in Manehattan on vacation, just wandering around. I got to see the Statue of Harmony, and even see how much better with air pollution this place was in comparison to regular ol’ New York City. it was way nicer, and way cooler looking.
And also less murders, aside from the guy that got sucked dry of his magic. Other than that though, it's a lovely place!
For now, however, I’m just going to sit in my hotel room and pretend like I probably won’t die in the meantime. That’s a favorite pastime of mine, y’know? Thinking about dying, the dark void that is the afterlife and how dreadful and unbearing it is. Like what is on the other side? Oh look! Scatter wants a belly rub and I am more than happy to meet her demands! What a cute little Changeling! Skitter sat in the corner with a crossword puzzle, occasionally looking up at Scatter and shaking his head.
I did bring my shotgun and a couple of pipe bombs, because it’s best to be prepared, so if I do run into whatever is draining people of their magic, I will just shoot them on sight. How hard can it get? When in doubt, kill the problem as violently as possible!
Also, I asked Chrysalis to keep watch over my timber wolves while I was away, and she agreed to have a couple changelings to watch over them for the time being. According to Skitter via the Hive Mind, said changelings absolutely love my pets, and might or might not be plotting to steal a timber wolf without me noticing. Damn cuddle bugs, taking my heart, possibly my kidney, and now my dogs. Skitter then snickered. “Mom just heard what those two drones were planning, and glared at them through the Hive Mind.”
I chuckled before being pulled into the leggy trap that was Scatter.
(Chrysalis’s POV)
“So Celestia, why have you summoned me today? We have had no meetings planned after all, so this must be quite important,” I asked as… Why is Cadence and Luna here? Well, mostly Luna since she had a mostly nocturnal sleeping patterns. Trust me, I would know, guards were snickering through the door during the morning when me and Luna were dating. They heard us doing that stuff in bed. “Did somepony get murdered and you would like to have one of my drones investigate it? Because that can be arranged very easily. I know a few drones who disguised themselves and became one of Equestria’s most highly acclaimed detectives.”
“No Chrysalis, this news is far graver than you might think. Have you heard of Lord Tirek?” Celestia asked. I nodded. “I believe you also understand the threat he imposes on your Hive, should he decide to drain them of magic as well, correct?” I nodded again. “Then I would like to ask for your personal assistance if Tirek does manage to get into the Crystal Empire. Fortunately, I have summoned Discord to track down and defeat Tirek for us, so hopefully it shouldn’t come down to this. But if it comes down to it, can I trust you to come to mine, and Equestria’s aid?”
“Of course, Princess Celestia, but I do have a simple thought on this. Particularly regarding a… stallion from another dimension that comes from a very, very violent race. We could just have Fruit Punch get on the case, Princess, he has bested everypony, aside from any alicorns or Changeling Queens, he’s met in singular combat. And that’s mostly because he is friends with two of all four alicorns in existence, and is currently dating the only Changeling Queen he knows of, and has a very strong preference of not hurting said Changeling Queen.
“I am sure you can load Fruit with various weapons and he’ll kill Tirek by accident by tripping on himself.”
“Chrysalis, I highly doubt Fruit will be able to take down a magically empowered, evil creature like Tirek. Even if he currently has his guards with him, Fruit will struggle, if not fail to bring down Tirek. This is with considering Fruit’s good luck.” In the corner, Twilight is moping in the corner, probably having learnt of Discord being the pony to be chosen over her to take down this new threat. “And I don’t think Fruit would bring his weaponry on vacation, since I think he would just like to rest and relax after being stuck in the dungeons with you for a day and a half.”
“Well, I suppose I should tell my Hive to lock down and go into hiding; the combined might of stolen pony and changeling magic would make defeating Tirek difficult should he ever become a problem.
(Fruit’s POV)
Okay so, it’s been about a week since the first pony showed up, and now there is a lovely headline on a newspaper that I was reading while I walked along. I told my guards to stay nice and safe in my hotel room, and said I would be safe with a couple muskets, two pipe bombs, and my shotgun. Luckily they actually listened, because they knew I was looking out for their well being, and stayed at the hotel room with a couple muskets to defend themselves should they have to.
Oh right, the newspaper. So it turns out that Discord got reformed and I never got to speak with him yet, which is odd since he likes chaos and chaos reigns wherever I go. The most important part about that fact is that… he found out who was stealing magic, it was the magic eating centaur I read up on a while ago. The main problem is, he is now helping that centaur steal magic from ponies, and sorta stole a whole crowd’s worth of magic today. So I’m a tiny bit on edge while heading down to the market for some apples.
I just had a craving for some apples, because I’m still unmedicated and forgot my dandelions at home, so here I am. Also, Skitter and Scatter wanted some apples, so like, it was fair that I go buy a bunch of apples for them. What? They are really good at doing puppy eyes, okay? Like it’s to the point where it’s so damn cute that I can’t not do what they ask of me. They don’t even know that I find it adorable, they just do it unintentionally and I can’t help myself. So I squish their faces and promptly go get them whatever they want.
Why is everybody going in the opposite direction I was going in? And why do they all look very panicked?
“Ah Fruit Punch! I’ve been meaning to meet you in person for a while now!” oh hey, a creature that looked like a snake had sex with at least forty different animals popped in out of nowhere. I think this was discord, but I’m not so sure. “How’s it going, my little chaos maker?” Somehow, he got himself a whole tea set and started mixing some sugar into a tea cup that wasn’t there. “By the way, I love what you did to Twilight and her friends while pretending to be a fast food worker- unfortunately, we cannot talk for very long, for I have a friend that needs your magic.”
I tripped over myself and a pipe bomb fell out of one of my backpacks. Why was I carrying a pipe bomb into a market? Be prepared, as Scar says. And I am certainly not leaving the hotel room with a magically enhanced, psychotic bitch running around that happens to steal magic.
With that, Discord took the lid off of his tea kettle and out came a red and black centaur… that is one ugly bitch. “Yo, I got something better for you than unicorn magic.” I grabbed the pipe bomb that fell out of my bag, a nice, strong pipe bomb. “This here is a magic container. You see, I’m currently stealing other ponies’ magic as well, because I want to become an alicorn and burn this country to the ground, but if you need it more than I do to reach the same goal more, then you can have it!” This guy reminded me of… let’s just say I used this terrible joke in a bonus chapter already.
Angry mustache man is all you need to know.
“What a strange device… you say this contains a lot of magic, correct? Do you take me for a fool?”
“No I do not sir, I’m not even a pony. I hate friendship, I hate Princess Celestia, she stuck me in this world, hence my desire to burn her country to the ground and murder her. So I need all the magic I can get, hence that little device. All you gotta do is swallow it and… you’ll have the magical equivalent of seventy unicorns!” Tirek looked over the pipe bomb with a skeptical eye before grinning.
“You know, this does look like a legitimate magic container, if I must say so myself, Tirek,” Discord said with a huge, dopey grin. Oh you dickhead, you just helped me trick the Anti Christ… let chaos reign I guess.
“You know what? I like you, ‘human’, so first, I would like to thank you for this wonderful magic container. I will not spare your life, however, but thank you, my friend. You have just expedited how much magic I will gain from one living being!” And… he’s sucking my magic out of my body. Man, this does not feel good. I feel like a smelly, steamy sack of shit that’s on fire, and my head penis hurts now. Wow, what a great plan I have, and now I’m going to die. Tirek finished draining me, twisted the bottom of the pipe bomb, and popped it in his mouth.
He threw me to the ground shortly afterwards.
(Chrysalis’ POV)
“So your new plan… is to have me, yourself, and the rest of the alicorns in Equestria to go and give all of our magic to Twilight, correct?” I said, laying down a newspaper with the headline stating exactly what had happened with Discord.
“That is correct. Discord has… strayed away from our good graces and has joined Tirek. This is our last hope of stopping Tirek once and for all. All we must do now is buy Twilight Sparkle time after we have lended her our magic, and pray that she, with all our magic, can defeat our old foe.” I shrugged, and did as told, and directed a spell at Twilight, who had a very serious look on her face. I fired it at her and… I could feel my magic leave my body. I feel so… drained and empty now.
Now the only thing on my mind was fear and worry. Will my Hive be safe? Has Fruit Punch managed to keep himself and his guards safe- a giant ‘kaboom’ shook the entire palace and everypony blinked a couple times. What in the world just… happened? Did Tirek just make his way to the Crystal Empire? Well… it’s been a long run, but maybe, just maybe I will finally see an end. I wish the end could’ve been after Fruit Punch proposed to me, but I feel… at ease with the new situation unfolding.
(Back to Fruit)
I groaned as I picked myself up off the ground. What the heck just happened? I pulled out a can of Redbull, which was a year out of date, and drank the whole thing to help shake off the dazed feeling I was having. God my ass is itchy, if only I had fingers to scratch it with.
Oh… Tirek’s head is on the ground next to me with a shocked expression. Why the hell is everybody around me cheering? Why am I being stared at? Like bro, my head hurts, and so does my entire body! Like dude, please, please shut the hell up. I don’t care about what’s happening, I just want to buy my apples! “Somebody send a message to Canterlot! The Princesses must be told about what this incredible stallion has done for us!”
What was the mayor going on about? I don’t fucking know. I began to check myself over and… I have wings now. What? Wait no, those are just scrape marks from when Tirek threw me across the ground. On the bright side, I’m not dead, and… oh wat? Okay, so those scrapes aren’t just scrapes, those are feathers. Why do I have wings? Oh god no, stop. I don’t want wings, I pondered the idea here and there, but I really don’t want wings. I’m scared of heights, please do not- my wings popped out and… jesus christ, I’m an alicorn now.
Uh… I got up and slunk away into an alleyway after everybody stopped staring at me. Why the fuck do I have wings? Why couldn’t I stay a unicorn? Why the hell am I dragging Tirek’s head with me? Like bro, what is wrong with me? Why… I pulled out a radio. “Hey Skitter, Scatter? Are y’all still at the hotel?”
“Yes sir, we’ve been playing checkers and then we heard an explosion and have been hiding under the bed.”
“Cool, meet me at the train station in ten minutes. I wanna go home. I just killed a man.”
“Sir? What are yo-”
“Don’t ask, please. I have another situation that I really do not want to talk about until we meet up.”
Ten minutes later, I was at the train station, and Scatter and Skitter dropped in from the ceiling out of nowhere. “Fruit! Are you… why do you have wings?” Skitter paused as he looked at the centaur’s head I was dragging around. “And why are you dragging Tirek’s head with you… you killed Tirek didn’t you?”
“I got him to swallow a pipe bomb and he exploded, I guess.”
Skitter grinned. Why were you grinning? “Good work, sir. Let’s head back to Canterlot as soon as possible.”
(Chrysalis’s POV)
“Tirek is dead. They said some light brown alicorn was found at the scene of Tirek’s body, which was blown to smithereens. To the point that only his head was remaining. It, according to eyewitnesses, was a rather gruesome sight to behold, but they were just glad the Tirek was taken down.” Twilight’s jaw dropped and her head hung lower. Mine, and the rest of the alicorns have had their magic restored and I was no longer wishing for death. As for Fruit’s whereabouts, I have not been notified recently by Skitter or Scatter, which is mildly concerning.
Suddenly another messenger ran into the throne room, bowed, and handed Celestia the envelope. “Chrysalis, you… may want to have a look at this.” I was handed a photo while Celestia began to read. “The light brown alicorn mysteriously disappeared, along with Tirek’s head, shortly after the discovery of said brown alicorn. This ‘unknown prince’ seemed to be genuinely shocked about having wings.”
“But… aren't there only four alicorns?” Twilight asked, now genuinely shocked at that.
“It appears we have a new one, and I know him very well,” I said before turning the photo around and levitating it over to Twilight. “Fruit seems to be the one responsible for Tireks death… and he looks quite sexy while covered in his fallen enemy’s blood if I must say so,” I grinned. Now I get to permanently keep Fruit Punch for the rest of eternity! Before we could continue, a magical mirror popped up in front of my face, and there Fruit was.
“Hey Chryssy, I dunno if you got the news or not, but I think I’m gonna be an alcoholic from now on. Also I have wings. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, for all I know, I am drunk and this is a hangover… uh happy birthday, I guess?” Fruit levitated Tirek’s head up and I began to smile. “I found the guy that was stealing magic, so that’s cool! And I learnt that pipe bombs are insanely effective at ending free trials of life for immortal centaurs, so that’s cool. Also, I met Discord for the first time, and I wanna gut him for introducing me to Tirek.”
Fruit yelped. “And can somebody help me fold these wings? I don’t think a human being should have access to six separate limbs, ever. Especially me! I want- oh thanks Skitter for the booze.” With that, the magical portal disappeared and everypony just sat and blinked.
“Well, on the bright side, Tirek won’t be taking over Equestria any time soon,” I chuckled, thinking of what my favorite little stallion would look like with the stature of Celestia. Now, from now on, he can no longer complain about his vertically challenged stature, since I believe he will no longer be short in a couple of years.
“Celestia, let’s all hop on the train and head back for Canterlot. We will meet Fruit halfway, since his train will have to stop there anyways.”
Celestia grinned. “We can just take a Chariot, Chryssy. We’ll get there before Fruit Punch does and surprise him!”
(Fruit’s POV)
I opened my eyes, my back hurts, and my new wings ache. Jesus christ, I’m going to amputate these things if they do not stop popping out while I’m trying to nap. Like I have come to terms with being immortal and a god now, but like, these wings are annoying! I don’t give a fucking shit if they’re the nicest wings in the world, or how I can wing hug Chrysalis now… okay I won’t amputate them yet, I want to wing hug Chrysalis now. At least once before I get a chainsaw and chop them off.
Well, now my parents can’t ‘send me to Jesus’ if they somehow end up in Equestria.
The train came to a stop and low and behold, everybody was staring at me, because my wings decided to pop open. Luckily, they weren’t flailing about, but remained pointed upwards towards the train ceiling. Luckily nobody’s written down that there’s a new alicorn in town, and that he might be mentally insane because of the news of him being an alicorn. How the fuck did I even ascend? Did I finally accept that pineapple does belong on pizza?
Yeah right, I would rather suck Tirek’s dick before I accept that. Speaking of Tirek, everybody was pointing at everyone and wondering how Skitter and Scatter dragged the dead dude’s head through the train station. You know, because said dead dude was considered to be the most dangerous thing in Equestria. “Whoa… isn’t that the guy that was stealing everypony’s magic?” Was the general consensus that I heard amongst the whispers and the murmurs. I took out… fucking god dammit, no beer! Well, so much for that new year resolution I was gonna take, which was destroying my kidney with fermented grape juice
Eventually, we made it to my house, which was nice, polished and spotless. My wolves all jumped up at the sound of the door opening and started sniffing me over and saving me from having to preen my new wings. Oh fuck I have wings to preen now, god dammit it’ll taste so fucking bad! Okay, after I wing hug Chrysalis, I am going to have these wings ripped out of my back. I know a couple healing spells that’ll keep me from dying, so I think I can- the door slammed open and four alicorns and Chrysalis stormed into my house.
The alicorns had their wings spread out, probably to make themselves look more regal, and Chrysalis simply sat on her ass while trying to get a look at my wings from a distance. She looked very huggable right now. “Hello Fruit, how’s the wings?” Celestia asked. I promptly walked over to the bed, grabbed a pillow and started screaming into it. Why did you have to remind me that I have wings you fucking horse?
Author's Note
note to self:
expired Redbull can turn you into a god.
Also, I was originally gonna have the magic blast ascend Fruit Punch, but redbull felt more fitting.
Behold Fruit Punch, the Alicorn of Bricks
View Online
So I Became a Prince and Tried to unAlicorn Myself. It Didn’t Work by the Way
I rocked back and forth at the meeting room I was in. Every single alicorn in Equestria, myself include, all discussing the very existence of me. The main topic was how I ascended, as for how I even found that out, I don’t know. I really do not understand how the fuck I grew a pair of wings other than that year old Redbull being a potential reason behind why I have these things. For some reason, Celestia theorized that I finally discovered the true meaning of friendship, while Chrysalis simply said I was in close proximity to a magical explosion, hence the wings.
“So Fruit Punch, what do you believe you did to become an alicorn?” I was finally asked that million dollar question.
I pulled out the can of redbull, the cursed thing that has done this to me. “I drank this after murdering Tirek. The only explanation as for how it gave me wings was that this drink’s tagline is ‘Redbull gives you wings’. So my guess is that this, being a year old, and being in a magical land full of ponies, made the slogan a reality. Discord was nearby when I killed Tired, so I assume he also had something to do with these.” I flapped my wings once.
“Please tell me that I won’t be a prince. I already deal with Celestia, Luna, and Cadence during Changeling Relations meetings and I hate that. So imagine how much I would hate having to run… I dunno, a dawn court or something. I think I would probably kill somebody long, long before I learn how to tolerate idiots asking me about their problems.”
“You handled day court quite well,” Celestia said before sipping on her tea. “I watched you the whole time, and it was quite refreshing to see a noble being yelled at for a change. It also was nice to see that softer side you seem to hide away while you were helping somepony get their money from their employer, which didn’t happen so I launched a full investigation into said employer.”
“Whoa there, Celly. I need to look like an asshat, so ponies will keep not liking me.”
“Whatever you say.”
“I don’t think I’d want you as a prince. You threw a brick at me, and hit me in the head!” Twilight said.
“You were holding a fucking friendship meeting! Who the flying fuck needs a meeting to be lectured about how to be a decent fucking friend? Your top priority was grabbing information from me and Chrysalis, instead of checking on your friends that just got harassed by Chrysalis! Your advice for when somebody’s mother dies is to tell them to grow the fuck up and move on! And you mean to tell me, that you should be hosting a goddamn friendship meeting?”
Twilight growled. “I know more about friendship than you! I’m the Princess of it, after all!”
“Sure you are. I pray every night for the poor bastards you ‘help’ everyday.”
“How dare you-“
“Hello! Welcome to McDonalds-“ my mouth was sealed tight by Chrysalis.
“Dear, we do not need to traumatize the Princess of Friendship. Equestria will burn to the ground under her rulership in about a century.”
“Oh yeah, a New Generation does pretty much fuck everybody over, right?”
“Hey dumbasses, stop breaking the fourth wall!” Nugget27 said before disappearing into the shadows.
“So, what would Fruit be the alicorn of?”
“Death.”
“What?” Cadence asked.
“You know, death. Blood for the Blood God as a famous pig once said. I did also ascend after murdering somebody with a pipe bomb, so I should be the Alicorn of Death! I need a cooler name if I do though… nah, I’ll just stick to being ‘Fruit’ for now. Also, I know it’s already in the news paper, but if you hold a god damn ceremony for me, I will jump off the balcony and kill myself.”
“Good luck with that,” Luna said before giggling. “I dropped a chandelier on myself and survived. I’ve watched Tia get stabbed in the heart during battle, and she immediately took off that griffon’s head! So if you plan on killing yourself, nothing short of erasing yourself from existence will work, Fruit Punch. But we won’t hold a ceremony for you if you don’t want one.”
“By the way, Fruit, we will be hosting an awards ceremony for the pony that defeated Tirek, would you-“
“Nah. Just say he tripped on a tree stump and died.”
“Fruit, it says Tirek exploded and that you, specifically a brown alicorn that had a strange capsule,” Chrysalis then pulled out my pipe bomb book while Luna spoke. “Shortly before Tirek was killed, everypony, I mean everypony, knows about you. Stallions would like to be you, and mares wish to be in bed with you. You’re going to that award ceremony.”
I pulled out my shotgun, put it in my mouth, and pulled the trigger- oh wow, I’m not dead… god dammit, that just tasted like a ghost pepper without any of the spice. “Well shit!” Great, now suicide wasn’t an option if something really dumb happens to me. Like say… actually nevermind, the Pinkie's Party was pretty fun. If I get dragged out to Ponyville for a friendship lesson, then I will commit several very illegal activities.
“You know Fruit… those wings look good on you,” Chrysalis said in a voice that screamed thirst. Oh great, now I can arouse my girlfriend easier… “And I’m willing to bet that you’d look handsome when you get even taller!” Wait, wait, wait, hold it, what? “Yes Fruit, you’ll start growing taller, and by about twenty years!” Chrysalis then planted a kiss on my cheek and my wings popped out. “Haha! I love when pegasi and alicorns do that when I kiss them!”
Sick, I can now have wing boners and normal boners. Great! Now Chrysalis has a reason to tease me even more now… actually, I’ll welcome that change with open arms.
So you know about that little ceremony? The one where I would get some sort of medal for defeating a great evil? Turns out that it was happening not even the day after I totally kicked Tirek’s ass without getting my ass handed to me. And low and behold, Chrysalis had to pin me down and stick a suit on me before we went to the castle for the ceremony. After this, I am going to go perform a satanic ritual that will somehow turn me into a mortal alicorn.
You want to know why I want to be mortal? Because Celestia decided that I should give a fucking speech. I want to die. So here I was, thinking of a generic, stupid speech about how ‘I didn’t do it for fame or glory, but to save us all’, but instead I have a better idea for a speech. So, while I waited for Celestia to stop going on about how brave and strong I am, I took out a couple dandelions and snacked on them. I would’ve eaten seven of them, but Chrysalis said ‘no’ and took them away.
God dammit Chrysalis, I’m glad you’re looking after my health and whatnot, because drugs are bad, but c’mon! You let me drink beer and sniff all sorts of shit that wasn't good for me when I was mortal! “Please welcome Equestria’s newest Prince, Fruit Punch!” Celestia’s voice broke into a slight cheer and my head began to hurt. Celestia, you fucking snake, you found a way to turn this in an an inauguration ceremony! You bitch, you were even wearing the same heavily ornamental dress you wore at Twilight’s inauguration!
I stepped out onto the balcony and took a quick peek. Oh wow, about a fuck ton of ponies were standing around, waiting for me to give my very awesome speech. Mmm, stage fright, yes. Why did I want to be a comedian again? Wait- I can’t be a comedian anymore since now everybody is just gonna laugh along to whatever terrible joke I make because I’m royalty now! Celestia, I am going to stick a whoopee cushion under every single fucking chair with your name on it.
I stepped onto the podium, where there was a surprisingly fancy looking microphone waiting for me to yell into it. “Uh… hey. So I could go on, and on, and on about how hard I worked to become an alicorn, or how hard my fight with Tirek was, but I won’t. Because… I don’t know how I grew a pair of wings and I’ve only got two working theories currently for that as well. And like, my fight with Tirek wasn’t even a fight. He kicked my ass, but I somehow tricked him into thinking an incredibly dangerous explosive was magical container.
“And I could talk about how you can achieve dreams by working hard, but guess what? I’m the Alicorn of Brutal Honesty today, and I’ll just say that achieving those dreams isn’t about hard work. It’s about hard work and getting lucky. I’m only standing here today because I got lucky and was on vacation in the very city that Tirek decided to go for after Canterlot, and got even more lucky with the fact that he believed my terrible lie. So, don’t treat me like I’m a god, some incredibly talented-”
“Have my children!” some mare screamed from the crowd.
“No, Queen Chrysalis is already going to have those in a few months. As I was saying, do not fucking idolize me, or I will have a problem. So, as your new prince, if you start a cult in my name, I will burn your cult building to the ground and kill the leader, alright? Cool, now go fuck off somewhere while I go make sure I don’t have a panic attack. Bye!” I trotted away from the podium and… why the fuck were you dumbasses cheering?
You know, Changelings might have a literal Hive Mind, but I feel like Ponies all share one, stupid thought. “If you see alicorn, you must suck off because alicorn is great.” Because that speech was awful and I was two dandelions away from saying ‘some of you fillies and colts will die a horrible death before you can even begin to achieve your dreams’. So maybe it was a good thing that Chrysalis took my dandelions away last second.
“Alright, if you fuckers need me, I’m gonna head down to the-”
“But Fruit, what about your inauguration party?” Celestia asked.
“Nah, mate nah, I ain’t going to have a party with a bunch of nobles. They already don’t like me, and I probably will commit murder if one of those fuckers tries to get friendly with me for some extra status.” I walked over to the balcony, spread my wings, and started to glide towards Ponyville despite how much I was told that I should stay for the party. Because apparently Pinkie Pie planned it and wanted me to be there. Surely, there won’t be any repercussions for this down the line!
Also, how did Twilight fuck up flying so hard when she first tried it, this is easy! I think as my wings give up when I’m only over the Everfree Forest. Well, this is going to hurt like hell, so while I’m falling, I want to tell you about today’s terrible sponsor, my grandma’s cookies. They’re great and have mostly salt in them because my grandma is really good at cooking- ow, ow, ow, ow. Okay my everything hurts a lot… and good as new. Bro, what the fuck happened to me after I grew wings?
Also, a cool abandoned castle in the middle of nowhere. Well, time to explore it!
So, I somehow got lost in about five footsteps. Man, I really need to obtain something called a sense of direction. Wait… oh, this is the Castle of the Two Sisters isn’t it? So isn’t this… that one place I almost visited until I got lost for five hours in this god forsaken forest the first time. With that I wandered around and might or might not have accidentally broken a vase here or there. With some help, I eventually found some scorch mark, likely where the heck Luna got her fucking ass handed to her by some magical artifacts.
Well isn’t this a lovely spot to do some demonic rituals. I began to draw out a little star on the scorch mark, because messing with ancient ruins is a good idea. Then I realized that I don’t even know how to do or perform demonic rituals, so I just started swearing at a picture of a smiley face for six hours straight. I got tired eventually and threw a rock at the smiley face in the scorch mark and it started glowing for some reason. I blinked a couple times and a lightning bolt struck the smiley face a couple of times.
“Who dares disturb me?” Now, standing in the scorch mark was an alicorn as black as the night sky. It was a mare, with fangs, snake-like eyes. She easily towered over me and was wearing some sort of armor. Her mane and tail were very similar to Luna’s, if not flowing a bit more wildly. “Ah, so one of my many cults has finally managed to give me a body of my own! At last, I am free from that wretched Princess Luna. Tell me stallion, how did you manage to free me?”
“I said the fuck word while dancing around the scorch mark you’re standing on. Also, don’t call Luna a wretched lady, she’s actually pretty chill when you get to know her. So, mind telling me what you plan on doing, Nightmare Moon? Because I really do not feel like dealing with an eternal night if you catch my drift. Also, one of your many cults- well, I always knew satanic rituals were real here!” I rubbed my chin. “Say, you mind not being evil for a long while?”
“Well, I suppose I am within your debt for freeing me…”
“Fruit Punch, you,” I felt a mysterious presence glare at me. “Nevermind, but I got a feeling that we probably met at some point. Anyways, I dunno how you’re going to repay that debt of yours… you see, I am a very demanding stallion, and I did just give you your own body to work with.” Oddly enough, Nightmare Moon did still look a lot like Luna, but taller and with the darker coat. “But… if you don’t try to kill me, cause eternal night, or any other shit, then I suppose I won’t summon the Elements of Harmony.”
“I know you’re bluffing, but I will play along with your requests. I will not cause any harm to anypony in Equestria for the time being.”
“Alright cool, thank you for understanding that. I would like to marry Queen Chrysalis before you cause the fucking apocalypse. I guess we should get you to Canterlot and share the news of your return, right?” Nightmare Moon nodded. “And while I would usually have a chariot ready, since I’m a Prince, I kinda crash landed and… okay, so I might have flown away from Canterlot to get out of a stupid as fuck party and I don’t know how to fly.”
“But you just… said you flew here.”
“I glided, actually, and then my wings gave out.”
“Well, worry not. I was a war charger shortly before my banishment to the Moon, so I can easily carry us both.” And what do you know, before I can even question it, Nightmare Moon picks me up with her forelegs and starts flying at full speed towards Equestria. Before I knew it, Nightmare Moon blasted through a window and landed in the middle of the ball room, where everybody that was there, stopped, stared at Nightmare Moon for five seconds and then went and stared back to where Luna and Celestia were standing.
“Hey guys, I might have… accidentally done something some cults have been trying for ages. Like, I gave Nightmare Moon a body by accident and now she owes me. She isn’t gonna do anything because I asked her to, but-” I was swept up in a sickly green magic and dragged over to Chrysalis. “So like, don’t do anything brash, since I think that Nightmare Moon just wants to vibe or whatever.”
“The Prince speaks the truth, I am in his debt. So now I would simply like to stand by your side as a fellow Princess of Equestria.” Nightmare Moon removed her helmet, and low and behold, there’s a more wild looking version of Luna’s usual hair style. “If you would accept my offer of peace, of course. If not, then I will readily accept that, as I still have a debt to pay to Prince Fruit. If his marefriend would allow me to do so.”
“Do not fucking tell me that you’ll try to get me in bed with you.”
“Well, that was the only way I thing I could’ve thought of, as many stallions would dream to bed me. Especially the ones running the cults that have been trying to give me a body for a while now.”
Celestia titled her head and glared at Nightmare Moon. “you will have to try your damn hardest to try and gain my trust, Nightmare. I know what you did to my sister, and it will be very, very hard for me to get over the things you did to violate her when you two have shared a body. So I will give you a chance, but if you try anything, I will banish you to the moon forever.” Celly then glared at me.
“Tell me, how in Equus did you bring Nightmare back, and why did you think it was a good idea to give her her own body.”
“Hey now, don’t look at me like that, I don’t fucking know how Nightmare has a body, nor do I know how the fuck I brought her back. I legit went to the Castle of the Two Sisters because I forgot how to glide for a bit, drew a smiley face with some chalk, and started swearing at it because I was gonna do something not satanic or demonic, but then remembered that… I don’t know how to perform a ritual. So considering it brought Nightmare Moon to life, I’m just as confused as you.”
“Fruit, I swear, I am going to have a stroke because of you one day.”
“You won’t even be affected by the stroke.”
“That is correct, but I will still have one.”
Some stallion walked up to Nightmare Moon and offered her a dance. Surprisingly, Nightmare Moon agreed and… oh fuck, I think somebody just courted Nightmare Moon. she was giggling as she danced along with the stallion and… oh boy did the stallion seem to enjoy it. Also, Pinkie Pie was standing in the corner of the room, with a deflated mane, and glaring at me.
Why does she have a butcher knife? I think I should run.
Author's Note
Yes, I had to do some intervention. I dunno how Chrysalis knows about a New Generation, but I think Fruit is rubbing his Fruitiness onto her.
Also hi Nightmare Moon, good to see you back.
“I thought you wanted to keep me out of Ponyville,” I said as I loaded up my shotgun. Standing beside me was Sunset Shimmer, who was let out of custody temporarily to help out as well for some reason. Sitting in front of Twilight was some weird book I’ve never seen before. She still had to keep the magic prohibiting ring on her head though. “Did you just call me over to… stand around? Kill something? Me, being the Alicorn of Death, demands blood, so I’ll kill somebody if you want me to.”
“No, I called you and Sunset Shimmer here because… my friends back in Canterlot High are in trouble, and I need both of you to help me. Since I… still don’t know much about Earth, and you two would be more knowledgeable than I would be.”
“How do you even know your friends are in trouble? Like, aren’t they in another fucking dimension?”
“Well, if you would have noticed, I gave my friends a magical book they can use to communicate with me. But you were busy buying a shotgun and committing robbery!”
“To be fair, my plan was better than yours, because I got the crown, saved the town, and Mr. Krabs.”
“Who?”
“Oh! I loved that movie! I saw it in theaters shortly after I won the Spring Formal!!” Sunset nearly pranced before regaining her composure. “So why did you bring me along again? Aren’t I a criminal?”
“That’s why… Fruit is here.” Twilight now realized that bringing me along would keep Sunset in check, but nobidy will keep me in check. Especially when I’m high, nobody will keep me in check except for the laws of fucking physics. “Anyways, I built a system using this book here, that allows me to come and go as I please to Earth and Equestria!”
“Wow, no stupid, long explanation that sounds nonsensical and complicated?”
“You’ll hit me in the head with a shotgun again if I did!”
“Good. You understand me now. Well, fuck it. C’mon Sunny, let’s make sure Twilight doesn’t eat at a Burger King, or she will die.”
“But I like burgers,” Twilight said rather… innocently. It would’ve been adorable had it not come from this psycho. Sunset cringed at that. “What? Is there something wrong with me liking burgers?”
“Uh… Burger King uses cows in their patties, not hay, Twilight.” Sunset said while rubbing her shoulder. Twilight’s jaw dropped, so she was entirely broken. I turned on the device, by hitting the only button on it, grabbed Spike with my magic, and chucked him through the portal.
“Ladies first,” I said after throwing Twilight into the portal too. Twilight was screaming about how she ate at Burger King before she hit the mirror. Sunset shook her head.
“Nope, stallions go first usually.”
“Aighty… actually I should leave my shotgun at home. I am not going to shoot up a high school yet.” I set my shotgun off to the side, behind a bookcase, and trotted through the portal.
I stood up and scratched my back as I turned around to see Twilight’s friends hug her. “Ohohoho! Mob is back!” Not Rarity hopped and skipped. The portal opened up again and Sunset stepped through, and walked through more ceremoniously than I did, since I landed on my ass and probably broke it. And.. Nor Rarity was staring at me like a creep again. Bitch, I have a girlfriend, soon to be fiancé, fuck off!
“Fruit… we may have a problem.” Two more people flew out of the portal and stumbled a bit, before adjusting absurdly quickly to being on two feet. “Skitter, Scatter, did you follow me?”
“Yes sir, we figured that you would like some assistance.” Scatter than glared Rarity. “Step away from Fruit, please. He has a fiancé”
“Scatter, call me Mob, I’m a human, use my human name. Also, that wasn’t announced yet!”
“I know sir, but you and Mom are basically married at this point.”
“Fair enough, i do bend over backwards for Chryssy.”
Eventually we all walked on over to a diner, which is odd since technically these kids were still in school and Twilight was filled in on what was happening. Apparently three immortal asshats showed up a fucking while ago, got enrolled in Canterlot High, and hypnotized the entire school and turned a fun musical showcase into a music competition. Also the world will possibly burn to the ground if the ‘Dazzlings’ win. Whatever the fuck that is.
“And we’re going to win!” Not Rainbow said as she grasped at the air.
“Nah, I’m gonna take part in this shit. Skitter, Scatter, how are y’all at singing?”
“Very well, sir,” Skitter managed to… hit the lowest note on a piano while saying that.
“I’m not as good at singing, but I can probably teach myself,” Skatter. She just hit the highest note on the piano… what the fuck were these two’s vocal ranges?
For some reason, nobody decided to take note of the fact that both of my guards have vocal ranges that were incredibly broken. In fact, they all just glossed over it, and started talking about how they’ll kick the ‘Dazzlings’ butts with a magical blast, which they almost did to Sunset Shimmer before she got hit on the head with a brick. If worse comes to worse, I will use a brick and commit murder on the Sirens.
Speaking of Sunset, I don’t know where the fuck she went. Like, Twilight didn’t even acknowledge where she went, and I haven’t seen Sunset.
The ten of us all filed into the gymnasium, where most of the ‘Battle of the Bands’ would be taking place and everybody was yelling at each other about something. I stole a cookie or two, and wandered over to get myself registered in the Battle of the Bands. Instead of having a band be made by myself, I decided I’m going to do everything. Guitar, drums, singing. I had Skitter and Scatter, with some bits, to go buy me equipment because apparently they knew what electric guitars were.
“So, what is your band’s name?” Principal Celestia asked.
“Ah, that… I dunno, the Fuck boy.”
“Something school appropriate, please.” Oh hey, her eyes flashed another color, so she’s hypnotized. That’s a damned shame. Welp, not my world’s Celestia, not my problem!
“The Goofy Goober?” Surprisingly, that didn’t get denied, and now I was a Goofy Goober.
Why was Twilight and her friends standing in the center of the room and holding hands? Twilight, you are causing a scene looking stuoid while doing it. Oh hey, those three girls look like very obvious villains… oh, Twilight was trying to blast them to death with magic? It probably woulda worked if her plan wasn’t so fucking dumb, but Twilight is the smartest dumbass I know. “Sir, we got the equipment you requested.”
Skitter handed me an electric guitar that looked incredibly well polished. “We just found some rich person’s home and stole the guitar. Apparently that person’s name ws ‘Chad Kroeger’, judging by some of… the fan mail he received.”
“Was it actually fan mail?”
“No sir, most of it were notes telling Chad to commit suicide.”
“Ah, I guess Nickleback is just multiversally hated then.”
“Well, c’mon, let’s go check on what-'' one of the obviously evil bitches bumped into me after aruging with one of her ‘friends’ about fruit punch. You know, given that’s my namesake, the Fruit Punch should be damn good, you hoe. “Whoops, didn’t mean to nearly body check you. So, you’re one of the dazzlings, right?”
“Yup! We’re going to take over the world after we take over this school!”
“Neat. Want some tacos? I know a good place that’s way, way better than some cafeteria food.”
“Wait, tacos?” Aw, how was this girl evil? It just seems like she wanted lunch. Wait… I didn’t accidentally ask somebody out, right? If I did, then I am going to shoot myself- fuck, I left my shotgun at home. “Oh, I would love a taco right about now!”
“Aighty, dunno if Taco Bell managed to breach this realm of existence too, but we’ll see. Hey Skitter, Scatter, want anything?”
“Well, we don’t know what tacos are, but they sound interesting. So if you don’t mind, we would like to tag along.”
“Fruit, what are you doing with her?” Twilight asked as the two of us walked out of the school building.
“Getting lunch, she wants tacos, and I kinda miss having a mediocre tacos. Plus, Skitter and Scatter never had tacos, so where else to take them than a restaurant that claims to be Mexican food, but isn’t?”
“Fruit, that is… one of the dazzlings. You cannot-“ her voice started to die out as we continued walking down the street. Skitter had somehow gotten ahold of a smartphone at some point and had very quickly worked out how to use the GPS in it. It was rather impressive given that the bug never had fingers until recently, but then again, my bug horses were awesome. Also I have a plan now that I know that I could possibly bribe Sonata with food.
“So, why do you want to take over the world?” I said as Skitter took the lead.
“I… Adriago wants to, so I just follow her.”
“And what do you want?”
“I just want to try out the food of this world! It’s all so tasty!” Skitter walked into the Taco Bell we had just walked into and started to quickly order food for us without taking more than one glance at the menu, while Scatter kept poking at the smartphone she obtained. “Like, the only thing I didn’t like was tea, but I never liked tea to begin with… it just feels so weird to be eating food and not the negative emotions of everybody around me, but it feels good. It also feels better than skinning ponies alive, which I didn’t know was possible!” Okay, maybe this bitch is evil as fuck, but food redeemed her.
Sounds about right. “Hey now, food is good, especially if you get something that… just hit differently from everything else you’ve had.” I’m just gonna pretend like she didn’t skin anybody alive, or this is going to get really awkward.
“Sonata, your food.” Scatter, how the fuck did you know her name? Well, Sonara didn’t seem to care, since she immediately dug into her tacos and… okay, she really seemed to like them since she went and ordered seven more from the counter. Well, that’s her taken care of. “Yo, Scatter, when does the Battle of the Bands start?”
“Tomorrow, Sir.”
“Cool, let's go find a hotel for the night.”
The next day, I was sitting around, staring at the little tournament bracket. The Rainbooms, or Not Rainbow Dash’s band, was facing off a solo cello player, which seemed unfair, but whatever. For some reason, I got to go against… what seems like this world’s equivalent of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Aw come on! I don't wanna crush some children’s dreams! Well, sorry kiddos, but there’s a shiny trophy you get for winning, and I want it.
So first up, the Dazzlings were up first against a bunch of hippies, and holy fuck are they good at singing. Well, it makes sense since they sing songs to hypnotize people, but they seemed a little shocked that I wasn’t put under any mind control by the song. No, I don’t want to win this because I’m angry, no, I’m mentally ill and want a shiny trophy. I’m also not very smart, so hypnotizing just doesn’t work on me at all. Thank you ADHD.
Without question, the Dazzlings won after their voices somehow sent their opponents flying. Next up was Trixie and the Illusions against two girls singing a love song on the piano, and given how they were looking at each other, they were probably not straight. I can respect that honestly, even if their piano playing was a bit… not great. Oi, why the fuck did they go flying when Trixie hit apthe final chord of her song?
Also, what the fuck, Trixie, they were in love with each ither snd you sent them flying.
Next, Flash, the guy Twilight wants to fuck, sent a bunch of hippies flying. Then the Rainbooms sent the cello player flying, and her cello, which broke upon impact with the ground. Eventually I got to go on, and I knew what I had to do now that I saw that the piano was free to use, since who the fuck is going to carry a piano with them?
The Crusaders were doing some… sort of metal sttyle song and their… screams sounded like it was hurting their throat. I cracked my knuckles and got ready for my turn to play after their last bit.
“So, my first song is called ‘a World On Fire’. Yes, I am going to sing Bo Burnham songs because everybody seems to be free styling for some stupid reason. I then took a deep breath, slammed my hands into the keys while screaming and… hey, everybody stopped fighting for a moment and were laughing. With that, the Crusaders went flying off the stage and I went onto the next round. Wow, look at me, beating up children with casual ease and my definitely superior musical talents.
Anyways, one round done, it was time for a break. For some reason, the leader and main singer of the Dazzlings pointed at me while arguing were her band members. I was up against Trixie and the Illusions next, so I needed to prepare for the next battle by remembering a very awesome song.
“So, you’re Mob, correct?” One of the Dazzlings asked while I continued to look over my sheet music that I didn’t use.
“Yeah, lemme guess, Aria Blaze?”
“How… Do you know my name?”
“It’s under the band information.”
“So, how badly do you want to win this?”
“Not super badly, but I would like the trophy. I could steal it, but then it wouldn’t be cool. I’m not a very competitive person, I’m just really into shiny things, like that trophy.” Aria just stared at me like I'm an idiot and wandered back over to her band. Scatter handed me a bottle of water.
“So sir, what do you plan on singing against the Illusions?”
“A song about a front door.”
“Understood sir. Sounds like an interesting song.
So most of the round went about as usual, the Rainbooms, Flash’s band, the Dazzlings, and a couple other bands swept the competition and it was my turn again.
“Because I’m Great, and Powerful! I will show you my might!” Trixie, that was terrible.
“I’m best friends with my own front door. I just closed it and I’m opening more.” As I sang, everybody was giving me funny looks except for the principals, who seemed to be enjoying my jazzy, rocky version of a Bill Wurtz song. Now, I could’ve sung ‘sad’ but I don’t think poking fun at the holocaust would be a very good way at winning a musical competition. Anyways, I won somehow. Thank you puberty for the multiple voice cracks.
And now Trixie has a knife… how the fuck did she get that onto school property? Before she could do anything, Skitter body checked her in the back of the room and I was saved.
Oh, next round I’m… up against the Rainbooms and it’s the semi finals already. You know what, I’m going to crush them purely to spite Twilight. “Fruit,” Twilight took a seat beside me. “I know you and I usually don’t get along, but for this one time, can you please, please give up? I'll give you the trophy if I win.” I rubbed my chin, mocking contemplation, before shaking my head.
“Fuck your dreams, fuck your nightmares, I’m gonna win this shit.”
“Fruit, if me and the Rainbooms don’t make it to the finals, the Dazzlings will take over the world.”
“Cool, I don’t care. I’m going to win, even if you don’t think I will. I’ve got a couple tricks up my sleeve and a favor to call on.”
So, Flash and his band got fucking annihilated by the Dazzlings, because boy could the guy not sing, like literally. He sang the whole time before this round and didn’t this round. He can shred on that guitar incredibly well, but he ddin’t sing the whole time… how the fresh fuck did he make it this far? Did he forget how to open his jaw or something?
it was probably the mind control, that would explain a lot actually.
The Rainbooms… weren’t too bad if you actually paid attention. It didn’t help that the only person in the band that had a deep voice was Applejack, and she didn’t sing at all, but it wasn’t bad. Rainbow and Twilight seemed to be the main singers while Pinkie… was providing the back up vocals, which just didn’t work very well.
That's nice and all, but these guys don’t know my trump card; I watched Spongebob a couple hundred times, and know a special song. Sweet Victory time, baby! I began singing and hit the crowd with a very impromptu guitar solo, and sent the Rainbooms flying off the stage after the final chorus. You aren't beating Spongebob Squarepants songs, Ladybitch Sparkle!
Oh, the school day’s over and I gotta wait until tomorrow.
“Fruit, do you know what you’ve just done?” Twilight shouted after everybody except me and the Rainbooms were left in the gym. “You’ve just doomed all of Earth to the Dazzlings! Do you even care? Do you know the ramifications of your action? For what? A fucking trophy you won’t win? You’re an asshole, Fruit.”
“Again, don’t worry, I’ll save the world and kiss the pretty girl when I win!”
So it turns out that the final concert was actually tonight, and was now standing in front of the entire school and their families. The Dazzlings were standing on one edge of the stage, while I was standing on the other. “You know, not once in my horrible, horrible career as a comedian would lead me to singing I’m a Goofy Goober on Stage in front of a thousand high schoolers, but here we are.”
Now I wanna go cry in a corner.
“You’ll do fine sir, just remember to breathe in between verses.”
“I will.”
“And make sure to kiss Mom when you win the trophy.”
“Like I wouldn’t dare kiss Chryssy,” I laughed.
Oh hey, the Dazzlings were singing… well, pretty well again. Unfortunately you bunch of idiots, it's my turn and you’re not gonna like my first song. “Have you ever felt sad and lonely? Have you ever felt two feet tall?” Anyways, the crowd was loving my rendition of ‘Kill Yourself’, I know, the perfect song to sing at a high school event. The Dazzlings took another turn and… had demon ghost things flying around me.
“Hey now, that’s not cool,” I said as one of them, Aria I believe, broke my keyboard. “Now that's just… mean. Well, fuck it. I didn’t wanna kick your asses, but… I’m… I'm… a Goofy Goober!” Skitter started playing a bass guitar as the song progressed, and I somehow grew wings and… why the fuck is a black beam of magic erupting from my body?
And why are the Dazzlings on the ground… and they can’t sing anymore. Wait a second, I just won the trophy! I grinned like a massive idiot when it was presented to me and laughed like an idiot when the Rainbooms were staring with their jaws hanging while Skitter kept going on the bass guitar like it was a new toy for him… great, he’s addicted to it now. He’s feeling the melody now.
“So,” I stepped off the stage after the crowd had dispersed, leaving just me and the Rainbooms again. “Don’t mess with a mentally ill man when he has his eyes set on a prize. Oh hey Sunset, what were you doing?” Where the fuck did she come from? And why did she smell like popcorn?
“I saw How to Train Your Dragon Two, since it was premiering, so I went and watched six times.”
“I see that you liked it a lot.”
“You bet! I really cried when Hiccup’s dad died.”
“Hey! No spoilers!” Not Pinkie said.
“I see you won the Battle of the Bands, Mob.”
“Finally! Somebody used my human name!”
“We did too, sir, we just don’t use your name when speaking directly to you,” Scatter said.
“Well, c’mon, let’s all go home. I still gotta kiss Chrysalis on the lips.”
(Meanwhile)
“How did we lose?” Adirago yelled as she slammed her first into a tree. Sonata was giggling while holding sixty thousand dollars worth of store credit to Taco Bell. Along with several credit cards under Twilight’s name. “We had it, and then that bastard uses dark magic on us?”
“Yea, let's go with that,” Sonata said as she hid her gift from Fruit Punch behind her back.
(Later, feat: the Rainbooms)
“How are we going to pay that off?” Rainbow Dash’s voice broke from the pure shock of it all. She and her friends were now twelve thousand dollars in debt for breaking Octavia’s cello.
Author's Note
Twilight’s going to be in debt on Earth. Watch out, the IRS will break her knee caps.
Nightmare Moon got Married
So, I decided to keep myself and Sunset Shimmer in Ponyville for the time being, because I figured it would be best for Sunset’s mental health if I get her away from her tower, and into the friendliness of Ponyville. Because, as it turns out, everybody that wasn't one of the Element Bearers, were sane individuals who were pretty friendly. So here I am, waking up in a five star motel room because the owner wouldn’t let me rent out a cheap room for me and Sunset.
We got separate rooms because I ain’t taking any chances. Chryssy would gut me if I were to sleep with a female that wasn’t her in the same room. Well, Scatter didn’t count, but that’s because instead of sleeping in the same room, Scatter uses me as a pillow while we’re out and about. I would know, since when Scatter used me as a pillow, I simply couldn’t move a muscle until she moved.
Because that would wake up Scatter, do not wake the precious cuddle bug.
So it turns out Golden Oaks Library, the library Sunny wanted to check out, was also Twilight’s home. And like, I’m banned from entering Twilight’s home because I was being a nice, upstanding McDonalds employee who cares about his friends’ days. So I think Sunset went out ahead of time, alone, to check out Twilight’s library. Meanwhile, I was left to my own devices because letting a criminal loose on Ponyville sounds like a good idea.
Well, I wouldn’t really call Sunset a criminal, sure she did do some illegal shit, but she wasn’t without reason. I couldn’t really judge her given that I still steal money out of vending machines, chuck bricks at random people, and accidentally summoned Nightmare Moon after accidentally performing a demonic ritual and promptly giving her a body on complete accident.
I stepped out of my motel room and blinked a couple times. Standing outside the door, Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis were having a shouting match that I somehow didn’t hear from the inside of my room. I blinked a couple of times after noticing that Nightmare… was wearing lingerie. What the actual fuck? “Nightmare, you are not going to repay your debt to Fruit Punch by being a whore-” Chryssy looked at me, magicked away Nightmare’s… interesting outfit, and walked over and hugged me.
“Should I even ask what the fuck you two were talking about?”
“I was hoping to repay my debt-”
“Forget repaying the debt if what you were just wearing has anything to do with it. For starters, I…” I pulled out a ring box. “I have something planned for a special somebody, and I don’t plan on being shared across two somebodys,” I stuck the box in my butt pocket and winked at Chryssy. My girlfriend stomped her hooves and ran in a little circle, which was adorable, thank you. “And I don’t want a harem, didn’t you score somebody at my coronation ceremony? Why not have them bone you and whatnot?”
“He got scared when he found me in his bedroom in chains, which is odd since that’s what anypony would’ve liked to walk in on a thousand years ago,” I smacked myself in the face with a hoof. “And then he ran off while screaming.”
“Nightmare Moon, you broke into a guy’s home,” Nightmare nodded. “When did this happen?”
“The night after your ceremony.”
“Do I gotta teach you how to court people? Because you’re supposed to get to know the fucker before you fuck the fucker, Nightmare Moon. Like, you can’t just expect to have sex with a guy you just met.”
“But-”
“I think Celestia had this conversation with Luna, don’t you… remember anything if you two were in the same body?”
“We aren’t the same mare, Fruit.”
“Aight, how about I teach you how to get a boyfriend, and you don’t try to get me to have sex with you? Because Chryssy isn’t gonna be happy about sharing me, and I don’t want to be shared; I am Chryssy’s and that’s how I want to be.”
“And if you force yourself upon my special somepony, Nightmare, I will personally ensure your demise. I do not give two horse shits, I will send you to the moon.” Chryssy, that is something I would have said. Good to see I’m rubbing off on bug waifu.
“Well… I suppose having a special somepony would be a nice distraction since I am not allowed to cause eternal night, according to Fruit.”
“If you cause eternal night in Equestria, you’ll kill pretty much everybody here!” I facepalmed again and jerked my head. “C’mon you dingus, let’s go find somebody you might be interested in.” Nightmare nodded and began to follow mine and Chryssy’s lead.
“You know, it still surprises me that you knew how to perform a ritual that brought Nightmare Moon a body of her own, and then managed to keep her from…” Chrysalis paused, not knowing the right words to be used here.
“Committing genocide?” Chryssy nodded. “Ah, well all I did was swear at a smiley face I drew, so I have… no fucking clue as how the fuck it brought Nightmare Moon to life. I don’t got a problem with her being a thing, but judging from earlier, I think I should be a bit concerned if I’m left in a room with her.”
“But modern ponies say wearing lingerie accentuates your form, making it easier to please and seduce a stallion. I was only trying to repay my debt,” Nightmare glared at me. “But those damned fools have clearly lied if I could not seduce you at a glance.”
“Well duh, I’ve got my eyes on Chryssy. Now, if I were to somehow get Chryssy to wear something provocative, I’d probably freeze up like a deer caught in headlights, and then Chryssy would laugh at me for freezing up. But that’s because I know Chrysalis, currently dating her, and y’know, in love with her. Meanwhile, I know you because I accidentally performed a demonic ritual and it gave you a body separate from Luna’s. So I barely know you, even if I think you’re not as bad as everybody says you are.” I paused.
Chrysalis pulled out a notebook and wrote something down. At a glance I saw ‘find way to seduce Fruit Punch’. Oh boy, I’m in for a fun time later.
“Well, you did say something during the coronation that went along the lines of ‘using Fruit Punch for self pleasure’ which isn’t very cool. But then you got distracted by that one stallion because ‘he had a cute rear end’ according to you, Nightmare.” I don’t want to be a part of a demon’s self pleasure scheme, thank you.
Eventually, we made it to the town square, where a majority of the crowd was again. Nightmare Moon caught a lot of eyes, but many were just assuming that she and Luna were still one and the same. After all, nobody really knows about the fact that demonic rituals may or may not have occured, and separated the two.
“So Nightmare, who is a stallion that catches your eyes?” Chrysalis asked.
“Well…” Nighmare Moon pointed at a brown stallion with an hourglass. “That one would be lovely…” the stallion then walked up to a blue police box, went inside, and the whole thing just vanished. “Moon dammit!” Nightmare then proceeded to look at and rate through several stallions based on appearances. “And you, Fruit, would be in the upper half of my rating results.”
“And you cannot have Fruit, as he is mine-“ Chrysalis got shut up when Nightmare accidentally tackled her and trampled her.
“Oh my stars, who is that?” Nightmare Moon pointed at some big, red earth pony towing along a cart full of apples. I stopped paying attention to help my girlfriend up. “He is absolutely dashing! Granted, he could use a bit of clean up, but I love a hard working stallion. Look at those legs!” Nightmare sat on her rear and clapped. “So tell me, Prince Fruit Punch, how would I go about seducing that stallion over there?”
“Aight Chryssy, you may need to correct me here and there, because of human customs and whatnot,” Chrysalis nodded, she had a slight limp from y’know, being trampled by a seven hundred pound alicorn. “So all you gotta do is get to know the fella. Go talk to him, learn about his job, his interests, hobbies, anything really. Just get to know the guy, a few weeks down the line, ask him out somewhere, and ‘boom’ you two start dating.
“And while you two date, you find things to do together alone, that isn’t sex, that comes later. Then from there, one of you proposes to the other, and then you get married. Then you can seduce the poor bastard, and then you two can have sex. It’s literally just becoming friends with somebody, but then taking the relationship to the next level.” I pointed at Chrysalis.
“We both started out as friends, became best friends, and now we’re dating.” Chrysalis now took a second to stop, pulled me in with a pegasus wing(she even transformed into a pegasus for this), and kissed me. “Case and point, now I get to have the girl of my dreams, any girl,” I grinned. “And I think I prefer said girl to be her buggy self.” I let my voice get nice and deep, and it made Chrysalis blush.
“Well, Fruit is kind of spot on with that. Though usually the mare proposes and asks the stallion out.”
I turned around and… Nightmare Moon was off, having a perfectly normal looking conversation with the apple pulling pony. “So, what do you think they’re talking about?”
“Nightmare is probably either talking about the night sky, or attempting to…” Chrysalis paused. “I think she’s just flirting with him, and in typical stallion fashion, it's flying right over his head. Well, not exactly, he’s getting… redder,” she shrugged. “I suppose we will be expecting little, red Nightmare Moons, to be running around and causing havoc, soon?”
“Yeah, c’mon, it’s been a damn minute since we’ve got to just hang out...” I grinned and got close to Chrysalis’s ear. “Alone,” I whispered.
“B-but we ‘hung out’ at the park a couple of weeks before your coordination. Then you spent the whole day hiding in my throne room because a mare tried to give you a wing hug… You nearly shot yourself with that boomstick of yours, by the way. In fact, you did shoot yourself several times during your coordination party and seemed disappointed every time.”
“Yeah, I can’t feel the sweet release of death when some rich asshole asks me about the weather. Or when some other rich asshole asks if I can make it so his shady as fuck business practice becomes perfectly legal. I loathe the nobles in Canterlot, a lot…” Chrysalis burped up a letter and she began to read it.
“Celestia wants you to cover her for day court again… something about ‘being sick’ and ‘Lulu cannot cover, is also sick’. I can come with you and watch from the sidelines… seeing you get angry at ponies for being ‘really fucking stupid’ is very attractive.”
“Ah, so you want to masturbate to my anger.”
“Well, that is one way of saying ‘admire’, my dear.”
“Aight let’s teleport then… What about Sunset?”
“I’ve been informed that she and Twilight are making out behind a book on advanced magical equations. I believe Sunset will be booked for the rest of today, and then-“ We both teleported. “We can come retrieve Sunset tomorrow, since I have a feeling that something more is going to occur between the two tonight.
(In another universe, Flash Sentry felt like he'd been cucked. And in another universe, in the future, Rainbow Dash feels that she’s been cucked.)
I plopped myself onto Celly’s seat, and groaned as Chrysalis sat in the corner with a bag of popcorn. Of course she would have some popcorn on her… I have a feeling that she got the idea of watching me from somewhere. “Go get them, honey!” Chrysalis took a hoof full of popcorn and shoved it down her gullet.
(Luna and Celestia were sitting in front of a crystal ball with 3D glasses, two alicorn sized bottles of Coke[imported from another universe{original recipe Coke with cocaine in it too}], and two alicorn sized baskets of popcorn with extra salt and butter. The crystal ball was on ‘record mode’ while Fruit called in the first partitioner)
“Name, problem, details on problem.”
“My name is Crab Apple, and I’ve got a problem with a business deal…” he pulled out several documents and I began to read them. “I’ve been trying to get Sweet Apple Acres to take up my offer on buying crab apple seeds from me, since I’m sure my seeds would line up perfectly with their apple orchard.”
“So… Do you have anybody from Sweet Apple Acres here with you to discuss why they won’t take your offer?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t know what to…” Scatter slipped me a document. “I’ve just got information that you’ve stolen all your crab apples from some random farm in the middle of nowhere. Is that true?” The stallion looked shocked.
“H-how you’d know?”
“Scatter, have some guards put this dingus in jail.” Scatter nodded and dragged Crab Apple away while he began to shout about how he’s sorry and how he’ll return the apple seeds.
“You know, Scatter was pulling a prank, correct?”
“Oh, fuck…”
“Well, apparently Mr. Apple did steal crab apple seeds, so we found a criminal by accident.
“Oh no, I was saying ‘oh fuck’ because that was a really good prank. I mean, yeah catching a crook is cool, but Scatter’s prank was cooler. I’m gonna frame one of the Elements for jaywalking.”
“You monster.”
“Speak for yourself.”
“Oh please, you hairless monkey!” Chrysalis then called in the next idiot. It was a stallion that looked like a rich, young idiot.
“So, I, Lemon Head, have this business idea that I would like you to fund! Have you ever had lemonade from a lemonade stand and thought that it sucked? Well, I have the solution! I set up professional, gourmet lemonade stands that sell glasses of lemonade for a good price! For ten bits a cup, you can have my amazing lemonade.”
“Gourmet lemonade?”
“Yessir! Have a glass!” As offered, a glass of lemonade floated up to me, and I took a sip.
“This just tastes like lemonade…” I took another sip and swished it around in my mouth. “And this is the normal portion size?”Lemon Head nodded. “Did your parents tell you that you should follow your dreams?” Lemon Head nodded again… his fucking cutie mark was a lemonade stand. “Okay, let me tell you about a funny little story.”
“Okay!” Aw, he sounded stupid and young.
“Once I had a dream about being a cactus.”
“What?”
“My point is, some dreams are stupid, and should be killed out behind your house, like a really old dog with a tumor, some dreams should just be given up on because they’re dumb. Tell me, what’s in your gourmet lemonade?”
“Sugar, water, and lemon juice.”
A ram fell through the roof. He was wearing a chef outfit “Jesus fucking christ, where the fuck did he come from?”
The ram grabbed the stallion by the face. “You tell me you’re selling gourmet fucking lemonade?” Lemon Head nodded. “Let me tell you, you fucking idiot. That is exactly what little kids make and sell on the streets! You’re fucking stupid if you think your business will take off with tiny glasses of overpriced lemonade! Ten fucking bits for barely even a cup of this shit, you fucking idiot.” He sounded Scottish
“Now c’mon, you fucking donut. I want to meet your parents and tell them about how fucking dumb their son is!” Lemon Head cried like a bay while the Ram dragged him out of the castle.
“How… Did Gordon Ramsey get here from the Crystal Empire so quickly?” I looked up at the ceiling. “Like he flew here!”
(Gordon Ramsey has the ability to sense bullshit restaurant/food/drink ideas. He heard the word ‘gourmet lemonade’ and knew he had to beat some kid’s ass with a belt)
“Don’t question it, Fruit. It’s been safe to assume that it’s magic in Equestria. You should’ve learnt that by now given how much your logic seems to die.” Fair enough, Chryssy.
Next up, Nightmare walked into the courtroom with the stallion from earlier. He was giggly, blushing, and tucked under one of Nightmare’s wings. “Fruit Punch, I demand that you wed myself and Big Macintosh this very instant! I have the legal documents ready, and I am deeply in love with this little stallion. And he has an odd fascination with my legs, rear end, and mane and tail, so we have decided to get hitched!”
“Uh… I don’t think I am legally capable of doing that.”
Chrysalis slapped rings on both ponies. “I declare thee husband and wife!” Nightmare giggled with glee as she dragged Big Mac off to… probably her bedroom. Oh god fucking- so much for the slow burning relationship I thought they were going to have. Oh well, at least I don’t have to worry about Nightmares anymore.
The next few ponies that came in, got mad that they couldn’t talk to Celestia and left. A few came and asked me how I ascended, and Trixie came by to apologize to me and Chrysalis about how she behaved before her duel against Twilight. So I apologize for putting her in the hospital with my fat ass.
I’m willing to admit my faults if somebody admits theirs. Hence why I’m still mean to Twilight; she doesn’t get why I don’t like her(she asked if she could bisect Skitter or Scatter one time and got surprised when I said no).
And… I got a noise complaint from the Lunar Wing… Nightmare and Big Mac were being too loud apparently. In fact, I can hear them from here… Holy fuck, make it stop. I do not need to hear how Nightmare enjoys being chained up to the bed. “Fuck it! Day Court is adjourned. I’m going to shove a couple of forks in my ears!” I stormed out of the castle and proceeded to get wasted in a bar with forks in my ears.
Meanwhile…
Nightmare Moon pecked Big Mac on the nose as they played ‘Gathering the Magic’ together in their room. And Big Mac had chained up Nightmare Moon’s character. The two were very happily married. While Apple Jack sat back at Sweet Apple Acres with an orange screen of death in head while holding a message from Nightmare Moon:
“I married your sibling, he is mine now. Worry not, I will return with him on occasion should you desire the help, peasant!”
Author's Note
What? Did you think that Big Mac and Nightmare were having sex? kinky, but no, they aren’t ready for that yet.
also i got like 3 other chapters in the works, which is cool
“Dear Fruit Punch, I Princess Twilight Sparkle, have one simple request. I would like to have a magical duel with you because I want to murder- test your magical abilities as a fellow-newly ascended alicorn! Now, since I am a Princess, I have a very tight schedule, so you must understand that you must appear at the library, at the exact time that I tell you to show up. At noon, we will meet up, we will then have our duel. As a Princess, I must urge you to meet my request, because I am a Princess that will have to perform Princess duties once the magical duel is over. I hope we can leave with you in a body bag- I hope we can both learn something from each other.
“And I hope to make sure you cannot breed- I hope to take proper measurements of your magical abilities after all is said and done.”
I blinked a couple of times while reading that. This is all a front, this bitch definitely wants to kill me, and I don’t particularly want to die. I’ve only shot myself six or seven times with a shotgun during a couple of meetings that Celestia had me attend with her. As for why? Because I’m a prince now, and I guess that requires me to do things a prince would do. Like listen to some fuck face talk about why he wants to put a tax on dirt. That’s not a joke, somebody tried to tax dirt and I threw a brick at him for being stupid.
I’m running out of bricks.
Something very important to point out in this letter is that Twilight didn’t give me a date. She just gave me a time, so technically I can just show up on any random day at noon, beat Twilight over the head with a brick, and become the official ‘strongest magic user in Equestria’, but I really don’t care about that shit. Because right now, I’m figuring out how the fuck I’m gonna propose to Chrysalis. Like, I’ve got one detail-
And that one detail is that I want to propose at the Great Galloping Gala, or sometime during Christmas, or sometime in between. I think it would just be cute to introduce Chrysalis to the concept of kissing under mistletoe and propose to her under one of those little things. Hell, I’ve even bought a nice, very nice suit for the Gala, that I hope Chrysalis would like. Am I seriously taking how I propose to a bug horse? Yes. Am I apparently attracted to said bug horse? Well, yeah, she’s fuckin’ pretty as fuck!
I guess being a horse myself, or technically, a pony, has changed my mental break up at some point, and made me find bug horses attractive. And not ponies, no, with some ponies I want to squish their face and baby talk to them. Like Fluttershy was fucking adorable! But I don’t think I would be physically attracted to somebody… Man, a year in and I still haven’t broken that habit, huh? I probably should get into the habit of using ‘somepony’ or ‘anypony’ but I haven’t purely out of habit. Oh well, what can go wrong with me not using two simple words properly, huh?
I stepped out of the castle and stretched. Man, what a good day to not be in the castle! By that, I jumped out of a window while going to another meeting I was scheduled for, and had hit the ground half an hour ago. This whole ‘nigh unkillable’ shit that comes with being an alicorn does have its perks. Unfortunately, I’ve got nobody to teach me how to fly, since that would require knowing people that weren’t changelings. And the only two pegasi that I know are Rainbow Dash, who’s not too bad to be around, and Fluttershy.
And that would require speaking to the Elements Bearers since I’ve got no idea where either of those ponies live. I could ask Chrysalis to teach me how to fly while she takes a pegasus form, but it turns out that even then, her wings work far differently from mine, and so her lessons will be all of naught. Oh well, if my ride in that chariot has anything to say about it, I’ll probably lose my lunch if I were to take a flight anywhere.
I started trotting down the street, because that’s a thing I want to do right now, which is getting as far away from Canterlot and its stupid as fuck politicians as possible. “Oh my god, it’s Prince Fruit Punch!” I blinked a couple of times when several ponies, about fifteen of them, all wearing masks that looked like my face, approached me, and started surrounding me. “It is an honor to finally meet you! I know you said during your coronation speech, that you don’t want any cults made in your name, but you must understand that we love you!”
All of the ponies in this cult were mares.
The lead mare wrapped a foreleg around me. “Come! Follow us to our sanctuary, you will enjoy what we have in store for you!” I checked my butt pocket for one of my muskets… because Celestia confiscated my shotgun after I threatened to shoot some bitch earlier. I pulled out a flintlock and grinned like an idiot. You fuckers do not worship me and expect to come out completely unscathed. One of you will die, and technically, I won’t be the one to commit the crime.
Eventually we entered an alleyway, a dumpster was moved, and I was led down a dark staircase that looked like I was being led into a cult type of thing. Actually, that’s exactly what’s happening here. God, you fuckers are lucky that I used my last pipe bomb on blowing up a random tree in the Everfree Forest, or I would’ve set one off right here and now… fuck me and my inability to remember anything that I need at any given point and time.
Holy shit, I have a brick on me. Okay that makes up for the lack of boom booms I can make. One brick is enough to knock out a noble or two, and definitely useful for bludgeoning a cult leader to death.
Eventually we made it down to… the cult room, where an effigy of me was standing over a cup of blood. “We sacrificed a goat for this cup of blood, oh might Alicorn of Blood and War, Fruit Punch. Would you be so willing to drink our offering and grant us wisdom beyond our years?” I blinked a couple of times, grabbed the cup with my magic, and sniffed it. Holy fuck, these guys actually killed a guy for a cup of blood- wait what the fuck?
“So you killed a goat, for this blood?”
“Yes we did, your highness!”
“What the actual fuck? Do not tell me you killed a kid, did you?”
“We did, your highness?” The leader cocked her head. “Is… that unacceptable to the Alicorn of Blood?”
“You killed a fucking child! Of course I got a goddamn problem with that! Like I hate children, but you shouldn’t kill some fucking kid, for an idiot who snorts dandelions and throws bricks at rich people for fun!” I snarled. “You have one way to redeem yourselves for this murder, you know. Either you beg for your life and you might be redeemed, or,” I pulled out the flintlock. “I give you this, and once a year, the leader of this cult must sacrifice themselves to me, your rightful god. Then, and only then will you be granted true salvation for the murder you’ve caused.”
“B-but isn’t there another way that is guaranteed? Surely, we can please you in some way either in bed,” the mares stripped themselves of their robes and revealed… lingerie. What the fucking hell is wrong you fucking maniacs? “Or something! Gold? Grooming? Anything! Just spare our lives!”
“Bitch, you just killed a kid. It’s either this, or I execute you for breaking the law in such a fucked up manner. Be lucky that there is even any sort of salvation. I may love blood and death, but I cannot, cannot justify the death of a child in any way. And any followers who think that they can justify killing a goat’s kid, do not deserve to follow me, let alone be alive.” I pointed the flintlock at the leader and zapped it with some magic. In mere seconds, multiple flintlocks, enough for everybody in the room, magicked into existence.
“Well?”
“Your highness, your left eye’s glowing red… that is very sexy.” Wat.
“Yeah, because I’m pissed off- also flattering me ain’t saving your ass. Then you have the audacity- like fucking christ, even I have standards as to how far I’ll go with some shit, and you think I would be okay with you killing somebody, telling me they’re a child, and having me drink their blood? There is legit nothing you can do other than this shit!” I pulled out my walkie talkie. “Celly, what’s the penalty for killing a child? Because I’ve got fifteen idiots who killed a kid in my name.”
“W-what the? Fruit, where are you right now?”
“In some random-” Celestia immediately teleported in and quickly saw the cup of goat blood. I noticed that she had some lipstick on… what was she doing? Maybe she and Sombra were about to have some sexy times. The alicorn’s face was pretty damn stern looking, but it was understandable given the situation. Her eye twitched a couple of times before slowly landing on all the mares, who were shivering in fear. “So, am I allowed to kill these asshats?”
“Y-your highness! That stallion is threatening to force himself upon us! And is trying to get us to drink goat blood!” The leader shrieked.
“Fruit, execution isn’t legal in Equestria, but in this case, I believe execution should be legal. They’ve killed a child, correct? And they are now making youseem like the villain.” I pulled out a tape recorder and replayed mine and the leader’s conversation. “Well, you are free to punish them in any way that you please. You are a prince, the Alicorn of Blood. So you may do what you wish to your followers.” Celestia leered at my followers.
“I am quite disappointed in you ladies. I may, however, give you a second chance-” whatever she had to say were drowned out as every single flintlock in the room went off. “Fruit.”
“What? Fuckers like that don’t get second chances!”
“I know, but you could have allowed me to finish speaking before you pulled the trigger. I was going to offer them an out, which would have been banishment.” Oh, that would’ve been good to know a while ago. Like, before I just murdered fifteen people. She blinked and looked at the sheer amount of weaponry in the room now, mostly my bootleg flintlocks.
“I have not seen weapons like those before, aside from your ‘shotgun’ as you call those explosive sticks. How do you have so many of them?”
“I made them multiply.” Celestia’s jaw dropped.
“What? You can’t create or destroy energy, and the air around us has energy in it. So I decided to manipulate it into a bunch of metal and what not.”
“Fruit, do you not understand that you’ve invented a spell and seemingly perfected it?”
“Yeah, I did that by accident.” Celestia shook her head. “Is that a bad thing? I think I got the magical equation in my butt pocket somewhere.”
“Fruit, if you were to let that spell out to the public, you would cause mass inflation. For instance, what is one thing many, many ponies desire?”
“Somebody to have se-”
“Besides that.”
“Happiness?”
“Some say this can, or cannot buy that.”
“Bitches?”
“Fruit, it’s money. It’s money you, imbecile.”
“Oh.”
“So if you give a gifted unicorn that spell, what would happen?”
“Oh, yeah, inflation’s pretty bad. Should I burn the spell?” I pulled out a bag of chips and duplicated it with the spell. “Want some?” Celestia shrugged and took the duplicated bag. She raised an eyebrow at how well recreated the bag of chips was.
“You know, considering what you can do with this spell, I’m surprised that you have yet to abuse it.”
“Nah, I just abuse it when I want more chips, but don’t feel like going to a vending machine. So I kept a bag of chips in my butt pocket and duplicated it when I wanted them. It’s really effective at fixing my cravings- I want Oreos now.” Celestia chuckled.
“You do not understand how angry this will make Twilight and Sunset Shimmer. The two of them have been trying to make a spell similar to this, and have failed many, many times. It’s one of the reasons why Sunset Shimmer fell,” Celestia said as we left the cult room and covered it back up. “How has your progress with Sunset been, anyways? I highly doubt you’ve been successful given how you usually act around other ponies.”
“Oh, I got her to speak, she’s even a good friend of mine. I gotta say, I think learning magic directly from you, is quite a stressful position.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Oh, Sunny fell to the dark side of how much pressure she was feeling from the whole thing. The desire to improve and gain approval, the lack of growth and you being somewhat absent in Sunset’s teachings beyond a few check ups here and there. I dunno if you changed since then, since Twilight hasn’t gone mentally insane yet, but you know, she might.”
“Well I have changed up my teaching methods after Sunset stormed off. Though I doubt that Twilight will remain sane if you talk to her with that voice, again.”
“I know, it’s why I do it on occasion while around Twi. Because she takes the piss outta me, so I take the piss out of her.” I stopped. “Say, can we get my title of ‘Alicorn of Blood’ changed? Because like, I don’t want a repeat of whatever the fuck just happened.”
“I suppose we could… You did not request that goat's blood, did you?”
“Celly, you should know that I have standards. I don’t actively kill people for fun, I’m mentally ill, not a sadist, and the only person I’ve killed was Tirek, hence the wings. I’ll be nice to children for the most part, at the very least, I won’t request the death of a child for fun.”
“But you will mentally torture somebody with that… ‘customer service’ voice?” I nodded. Celestia sighed in response. “Well come on, Twilight has told me to send you to Ponyville at noon. Something about testing your magical abilities now that you are an alicorn, and not just a randomly powerful unicorn that forgets that he has a horn and can cast spells.” Sunbutt paused. “How do you forget about your horn, by the way?” She asked as we teleported in front of Golden Oaks Library…
Fucking hell, I will probably die.
“I dunno, I’m not used to having a horn at all. I lived nearly my entire life without a horn, so remembering that I have a horn is pretty hard. Especially when I’m unmedicated, or when I’m high, like I am right now.”
The door slammed open and Twilight Sparkle greeted me with an overly eager smile. “Thank you, Princess Celestia for bringing Fruit Punch. Would you like to watch our sparring match? I’ve invited my friends and the entire town to watch! Surely having two alicorns battle it out would bring tons of onlookers!” Twilight then teleported the two of us into a colosseum that… was really just a really big circle of dirt.
I was on one end, and Twilight was on the other.
Chrysalis was tied up in a chair, screaming her head off about how this wasn’t fair to have her watch me get mutilated… and she was crying. “Hey, why the fuck did you tie Chryssy up?”
“Because she’ll interrupt the sparring match and get hurt in doing so.”
“Ah, she read my mail again. Then again, I can’t blame her for being mad, since she did pretty much just read a letter that can be summed up with ‘I am going to kill you, Fruit. And I will enjoy it!”
“What are you talking about? I’m just here to have a nice, friendly magic duel with you!” You lying bitch.
“Aight, go on three?” Twilight nodded.
All of Twilight’s friends were wearing ‘Twilight Sparkle’ propaganda. shit like foam fingers, flags, hats, the whole sha-bang… Meanwhile some rich asshat counted a mountain of bits. Oi, why the fuck were there zero Fruit Punch flags? Well, Filthy Rich and Diamond Tiara were waving flags at least, the elder of the Rich family present was waving his flag lazily, but enthusiastically. What was I doing again?”
“Go!” I tripped on myself as a purple beam of magical death flew over me.
“Princess Twilight is starting the match off strong, putting pressure on Prince Fruit! It does not look like things will end well for the Alicorn of Blood!” Pinkie shouted into a megaphone, which how the fuck did she get that, and why were there two of her? “Fruit Punch stands up and trips again, narrowly avoiding another attack from Twilight!”
“Oi! I’m supposed to be narrating here you pink fuck-“ Ow! She threw the megaphone at me!
I summoned my brick from my butt pocket. So far my bricks have not failed me, so like, it’s time to duplicate them and just drop a fuck load of bricks onto Twilight. I zapped Bricky the Brick and it multiplied into hundreds of bricks. Twilight’s eye twitched a couple times, I wondered why; it’s only a spell that I made before you could! and I grinned. “So let’s begin-“
Twilight came in like a wrecking ball, flying at speeds that would have put Rainbow Dash to shame. I tripped and sidestepped the incoming Twilight, and slowly started inching closer to Chryssy, who upon further inspection, also had a magic prohibiting ring on her horn. I magicked up a knife and started- what is keeping me from just yoinking the ring? I shrugged, magicked the ring off of Chrysalis’s horn and put it in my butt pocket for safe keeping.
“What are you doing?” Twilight yelled.
“Freeing my girlfriend from your crazy ass. Like I’m willing to bet Chrysalis was doing something perfectly normal, and you kidnapped her.” Twilight stomped the ground, which would’ve been impressive if she didn’t hurt herself by doing so.
“I was trying to knit something for my beloved stallion friend,” Chrysalis brought up her creation, which was in tatters. “And got kidnapped. I didn't touch Fruit’s mail for once.”
Twilight tried to zap me with magic, but I stuck the magic prohibiting ring on Twilight’s head, walked up to her, and hit her with a brick. “Go to sleep you crazy bitch.” Get fucked, stupid purple horse. Everybody in the stadium was silent, while Rainbow was screaming her head off about how unfair my methods were. “Hey Chryssy, wanna get food later? I’m thinking of Chinese tonight.”
“Do you not mean Guoxian? If so, then I would love to join you tonight.” Chryssy said as we walked away from the stadium and Twilight’s unconscious body. She gave me an awkward smile and held up what she was knitting. “I was hoping to give this to you after you were done with your duties, it was going to be a scarf, but somepony broke into my throne room and kidnapped me. And they ruined my knitting.” Chrysalis glared at Twilight.
“I mean, look on the bright side, you can take the opportunity to knit us matching scarves!”
Chrysalis did a tiny little ‘excited dance’ “Oohoohoo! An excellent idea, my dear! I shall begin once we get home!”
(Meanwhile)
Twilight sat up with a groan. “My head…”
Twilight Sparkle had ‘I smell bad’ written on her face with a sharpie. Permanent, magic proof, and waterproof sharpie. She looked at a mirror that was conveniently left near her front left hoof and screamed. “Fruit Punch, I will get you for this!
(Meanwhile)
The Cult of the Blood Alicorn’s leader got up, despite her aching wounds and laughed. “Haha! That was so sexy! Lord Fruit, I will sleep with you Fruit somehow! I will please you somehow, whether you like it or not- Ow! my chest feels like it’s burning.
(back with Fruit)
I feel a perverted, psychotic disturbance in the force.
Author's Note
turns out I couldn’t dedicate one chapter to a magical duel or just a cult about fruit. so why not both? even got a little story arc(that will probably be forgotten about in 2 chapters) set up and everything with the crazy bitch at the end.
Her name is Obsessed Maniac btw.
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This Isn’t Cannon 3: Pre-Unification!(bonus chapter)
(Old Eloquois has been translated for your pleasure)
Blah, blah, blah. You know the whole spiel, the whole speech about listening to your parents, blah blah blah, in Equestria. Well, here I am, standing amongst a crowd of unicorns who are about to go to war with a bunch of ‘earth ponies’ because why the fuck not. Like, at first I ended up in a crater, got picked up by a crazy guy with a time machine who went by as ‘the Doctor’ for some reason, and got left here.
Doctor who you might be asking? I dunno, I didn’t get his name.
So here I am, marching under a cloudy sky, which looked moments away from raining as hard as possible.
So why are we marching, Red Coat style, towards another wall of ‘earth ponies’ for? Like, aren’t we all horses? Shouldn’t we go ahead and eat grass or some shit! I think I’m high on cocaine right now, because there’s no way this is real. On the other side of our army were the damn earth ponies. They were inferior because they…
One of them was yellow, that could be a legitimate reason to hate somebody, for all we know, being yellow is seen as a crime amongst unicorns.
Anyways, each unicorn in my battallion had a sword or spear held in some glowy shit, while I carried a rock, a short sword, and an ax. Beware voices in my head, the following will be very graphic(not really), involve death, and an idiot who doesn’t know how to work the body of a horse because he was human not even two days ago. Like bro, for all I know, I coulda been in a coma and I’m being forced to fight as soon as I woke up.
Well, I had a helmet, a bronze one, but I had a helmet. Those were pretty cool, even if I looked completely stupid on me.
That’s fucked up.
The earth ponies across from us held swords in their mouths, and their- why the fuck are there ponies with wings flying towards us? Like a whole fucking battalion was flying to our battlefield, making a little triangle of space between us, and they all landed with a loud ‘thud’ as hundreds of sets of hooves made contact with the ground. “This land is ours!” One of the generals of the unicorns shouted.
“Not in a hundred years, you dobbins!” Some earth ponies and pegasi shouted back. Why the fuck are we fighting over a mountain? Then again, people fought over fucking New Mexico, so I guess ponies are equally as dumb as human beings. So, here we are, charging at each other, weapons raised. Well, I stumbled along, because I was holding my weapon with one of my hooves because I can't do that glowy shit yet.
I ducked under an earth pony’s iron cladded hoof, and stabbed him in the skull after fumbling with the sword in my mouth. Like I accidentally threw the fucking thing and it hit him in the face. It killed him dead, and it killed him good, so that’s a bonus. I tripped over his dead body while grabbing my sword and stabbed another earth pony. My ax went flying out of its sheath and hit a pegasus right in the chest.
(Meanwhile)
All of the generals from the earth pony and pegasi tribes watched from afar, mouths hanging, as they watched some lunatic from the unicorn tribe kill many, many of their stallions and mares with seeming ease. The way he effortlessly went from one to the other without being hit-
An ax went flying and hit one of the earth pony generals in the head. “Retreat! The battle is lost!” Another shouted before the psychotic unicorn managed to shoot a couple of arrows into his knees, and he fell on the ground while screaming his lungs out. “Sweet Faust! It hurts! How can anypony be so cruel! At least put me out of my misery, you asshole!”
Sadly, that final blow never came.
(Back with Fruit Punch)
Holy shit, this bow is really cool. Like I found it after yoinking this off one of my dying comrades after I accidentally knee capped him, and might or might not have had to put him out of his misery- nevermind, that wasn’t one of my comrades, that was a pegasus, whose wings I had cut off while hurling random weapons in the air.
Did I mention that I snorted some cocaine laced weed before this? I ain’t exactly thinking straight-
Some white pegasus, wearing golden armor and a pink mane crashed down before me and snorted. She did not look happy, probably because I just murdered her friends- she lunged at me, and I dodged. Sadly the only thing I had was this bow, and no arrows because I used my last two on an earth pony that was just standing on a hill and chatting to his friends(I felt because neither arrow hit him in the head. He called me an asshole, which is fair), so I hit the pegasus on the head with the bow, which knocked her out.
Then it hit me.
I don’t need to murder everybody around me, I can be a nice, friendly unicorn! So what do you do when you just knock a woman unconscious and want to make a good impression? I know!
Kidnap- I mean move the woman to a new location without her consent. Because I am a gentleman that doesn’t hit girls on the head with a bow they found off a dead dude that they just made dead.
I grabbed the pegasus, tossed her on my back, and slowly snuck my way off of the battlefield(nobody wanted to fight me for some reason. And nobody stopped me. I don’t know why. Heck some of my unicorm allies made bird whistles and encouraged me to do some fucked up shit to this pegasus, which I will not mention) and kept on walking in a straight line, towards the mountain we were fighting for.
After wandering around, I found a cave, wandered in, shoved a knife into a bear’s head, who was probably living in said cave, and settled the pegasus on the ground. You see, the way to a woman’s heart is kidnapping her and then trying to enforce stockholm syndrome into them- that’s if you’re a fucking lunatic. You see, I’m mentally ill, but even I know that’s fucked up. So instead of doing that, I’m gonna sit here and wait.
I dropped my backpack, which I stole from one of the ponies I hadn’t decapitated by accident, and found supplies to build a fire, which I threw away(I have a lighter in my ass pocket), and some food. Mainly bread, hay, some apples, a thing labeled ‘the bubonic plague in a bottle’, and some other cool shit. There were gold coins in this bag for some reason, so I’m rich too!
Man, looting dead bodies is so cool! Don’t do it, it’s fucked up.
I say after literally killing ten dozen earth ponies and fifty-seven pegasi. Yes, I did keep track of how many people I killed, I want a good Kill Death Ratio in case I did end up dying on the battlefield.
I need to stop doing drugs.
“Ugh…” the pegasus sat up and shook her head. “I’m… I’m not dead?” She asked, rubbing her eyes when her vision didn’t clear up. After a couple seconds, she blinked and it seemed like her vision cleared up because she started looking around the cave. She gasped at the sight of the bear, which still had my knife stuck in its head, before she slowly turned around. “You…” she snarled.
“Sup,” I took my helmet off and started a fire with my lighter. “Ah fucker!” I burnt myself while trying to use this stupid ficking thing! Stupid hooves, stubby and fingerless. I can’t even pick my fucking nose now! “Uh, sorry about hitting you on the head and kidnapping you. It was either that, or sit next to your unconscious body while we were surrounded by a bunch of… my buddies, I guess.”
The pegasus blinked at my sheer idiocy. “Why didn’t you just kill me?”
“Well, I had a change of heart. Killing people is pretty awful, even by my standards. Granted, I think I executed about fifteen- what was I talking about? Oh right, I killed about a hundred and fifty ponies, but… I don’t think I should keep doing that. When I die, I want God to at least hesitate before he sends me to hell. I don’t think he’ll do that after what I just did, but y’know.”
“And… you let me live?”
“Yeah. Jesus christ, I murdered a hundred and fifty people- what the actual fuck? I know I’m not hallucinating given that I just burnt myself- I actually killed that many people. Fucking hell, I hope Satan is a good roommate, or else I’m gonna have a very not fun time mining indestructible rocks while burning constantly-“
“What the hay are you talking about?”
“I fucking killed people! Excuse me for being regretful! I’m an asshat, but I didn’t think I’d- jesus fuck man, I’m-“ I cleared my throat. I really, really do not want to think about my atrocious crimes. “So, let’s take our armor off. I want it to be clear that we won’t fight while we’re waiting out of the battle. Since I don’t think it's going to end anytime soon.” The pegasus nodded and quickly undid her armor’s straps. Meanwhile, I got my helmet off and started struggling to get my breastplate off.
“Why aren’t you using magic?”
“What the fuck is that? This ain’t some kid’s show where unicorns can magically make stuff happen.”
“A unicorn… that doesn’t know how to use magic?” The pegasus snickered. “Need help, imbecile?”
“Yeah… hey, I’m not an imbecile, I’m an idiot. There’s a clear difference. You see, one word’s shorter and easier to spell, while the other is what smart people use to call people idiots-“ the pegasus snickered as she wandered over, leaving her belt full of weapons behind. Okay cool, she isn’t going to stab me in the back. She undid the straps and my armor hit the floor of the cave with a ‘thump’.
“You know,” the pegasus’s eyes looked me up and down, she leaned to the side to try and get a peek at my sides and rear. “For a unicorn, you aren’t too bad looking.”
“Uh… thanks?” The pegasus nuzzled me. That was a good thing, right? “So, let’s exchange names. I don’t wanna have to call you Wingbutt, Sunbutt, or Pink, Fluffy Bitch all night.”
“My name is Celestia, commander of the pegasi legions.”
“Uh… Fruit Punch, an idiot. Up and coming comedian, psychologist, I was going to school but I ended up getting fucking drafted by my current boss. And like, it’s either I fight or he kills me for an example-“
“Oh my Faust! That sounds horrible!”
“Yeah, not nearly as bad as getting killed because I made some sandwich wrong at McDonalds- actually that was the last thing I did before I ended up in that unicorn camp… Oh well! So, Celestia, what’s it like to fly?”
“Well… it’s nice, I like flying to the highest cloud I can find to just watch the sunset and sunrise. My sister, Luna, who is a general despite being younger than I am, likes to join me and then we spend hours stargazing.” Celestia’s eyes widened. “Luna is going to kill you if she sees you.”
“Meh, not the worst thing that can happen.”
“She’s seen how brutual your fighting style is on the battlefield. It’s why I tried to fight you; I’ve seen it too. She’ll assume you’ve kidnapped me to question me, and she’ll murder you.”
“Aw, you care about me?”
“I’m simply returning the favor. You spared my life, so I am trying to keep you from-“ something crashed down at the mouth of the cave. Celestia sniffed the ears, and her flawlessly white fur somehow got whiter. “Luna, before you-“
I side stepped a dark blue blur, but made no attempt to fight back- “Ah man. You made me drop my bread in the fire!” I grabbed a stick and poke it through the bread and pulled it out of the fire. “Oo, nice, golden and-“
“Why did you kidnap my sister, you unicorn?”
“Would you rather me kill her? Or knock her out and let some other unicorn finish her off? I was gonna let her go in the morning.” I jerked my head towards the mouth of the cave. “It’s raining pretty hard and I’m sure you were just out in that shit for a while. Just sit down, eat some bread, and relax. I won’t do anything if you don’t hurt me. Heck, we might even be friends by the end of tonight.”
“He is quite charming for a unicorn, Lulu. I would personally suggest that we keep him.”
“Well… he is quite handsome looking… Perhaps we shall keep him.” Luna said as she and Celly trotted over to the fire and settled down.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are we talking about kidnapping me?”
“You kidnapped my sister!” Luna said, she blew a raspberry at me.
“I didn’t wanna fucking murder her!”
“But you killed damn near two hundred ponies. I’ve counted.”
“Please do not remind me. I don’t want to think about the fact I killed that many people. That’s something I gotta live with now…” I sighed before breaking apart the bread. “Want some? I dunno if you guys have your own rations on you, but I don’t see any bags on you girls.” I really just don’t want to think about this.
“Is it poisoned?”
“I dunno, it ain’t my bread.” I took a bite of my piece. “Nope, it’s safe even if it’s a bit stale… ain’t a Poptart, but it’ll do.”
Luna and Celestia blinked, before taking the offered pieces of bread. “You are quite the interesting fellow. Why are you being so nice? Were you not a raging berserker a couple of hours ago?”
“Listen. I just don’t wanna fight. I’m a delicate comedian that just wants to put smiles on people’s faces. Not shove knives into said people’s faces. I may suck at being funny, but like, I would still rather have us chatting over having us bicker over ‘my race is better’ or any other shit. We’re all alive, ain’t we? Same sun, same air we breathe, hell, we’re all called ponies, right?
“Like we all live, we all dream, we’ve got differences, but our flaws are who we really are. Like you’ve got wings, I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to fly. I’m sure you’ve wondered what it’s like to have a horn, right?” Both mares nodded. “So let’s put our differences aside, chat around the fire, and laugh.”
Celestia was the first to speak. “So, I know you can’t use magic, but what is it like to have a horn?”
“It sucks. Got my horn stuck in a tree a couple days ago and it still hurts. Did you know it’s what we unicorns use to… perform mating rituals with?”
“No…? Is it?”
“I dunno, I’ve never slept with anypony before.” That earned a snort from both mares. “So, how the fuck did you become a general, Luna? Wouldn’t it make more sense to have your older sister be in command?”
“Well, for starters, I am far more tactical on the battlefield compared to my sister. If my sister could have it her way, she would like to sit at home and live a peaceful life of comfort, but sadly our position amongst other pegasi practically demands that we must fight for our kind. Hence her position as commander rather than general; she didn’t try as hard as I did to obtain the title of general because she simply didn’t want it..”
“Wow, that fuckin’ sucks.” I got up and wandered over to Celestia and ‘hmmed’. “So if I were to…” I placed my forehooves on Celestia’s shoulder and began to apply pressure.
“What are you-“ Celestia began to actually pur as I released and reapplied pressure. I dunno if this is doing the intended thing, but I hope this is relaxing. Also, Celestia sounds like a kitten while she purrs, which is adorable. “This feels… nice.” I stopped for a second and Celestia glared at me. “Does that mean stop?”
“Flip over, I’m gonna work the other shoulder.”
“Fine.” I began to massage Celly’s other shoulder and she eventually fell asleep from the pure bliss this was giving her.
The next day, Luna and Celestia had offered me the chance to accompany them on their way back home. So of course I said I would like that. What? These two weren’t too shabby in all honesty-
(Five thousand years later)
“And that is the legend of Fruit Punch, the pony that kick started unification. Any questions in class?” Ms. Cherilee asked.
“Yeah, what happened when he and the Royal Sisters made it back to their village?”
“Nopony knows for sure, Sweetie Bell, why do you ask?”
“Rumor has it that he slept with Luna!”
(Five thousand years ago.”
“So we’ll be entering Cloudsdale Village tomorrow. So we are going to tell you how to behave so you don’t get hurt-“ Celestia squeaked when I booped her on the nose. “What the hay, Fruit?”
“But your nose is very boopable!”
“I know, but please understand what you have-“ I booped Celestia again and Luna giggled.
“What?” I asked.
“Booping a pegasus on the nose results in marriage, you know, Fruit.”
Well shit!
Author's Note
Fun gamer fact: in the new timeline Fruit made, the Apple Family doesn’t exist. That pony that Fruit shot in the knees was Apple Jack’s earliest ancestor.
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This Isn’t Cannon 4: I Got Kidnapped by a Nugget(Bonus Chapter)
So some weird fucking dumbass who goes by ‘Nugget’ kidnapped me and stuck me in a black room with a bunch of couches. That wasn’t the weirdest part was that he was an actual chicken nugget. “So, all of you might be wondering why I brought you here,” Nugget said, pulling out a really shitty iPod Touch with a broken screen. “So I’ve been using this stupid little thing to create your lives. You guys won’t remember any of this by the time it’s over, so I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but I created this world for you all to live in.
“I made Fruit, I made the Chryssy that doesn’t get put in stone, I created everything for people to read at their own pleasure or displeasure. And those people have quite a few things to say about you guys! Some questions, some weird remarks, some insults. So, I want you all to answer them, and if you don’t, I’ll kick your asses. Mkay?” I was set next to Chrysalis, who looked just as confused as I was.
“So our first question comes from PuzzleMaster98, and this is for Princess Luna, Fruit Punch, and Queen Chrysalis. ‘Dude, Chrysalis X Luna X Fruit Punch is awesome! I ship it!! Hope it happens’. Any comments or replies?”
“Uh… I am not going to start a harem anytime soon. Chryssy is the only mare for me, and only her. Albeit, my tune would be different if I were dating Luna, but-”
“You do know that it is common practice for mares to share stallions, correct Fruit? If we wanted to, Luna and I would share you both in bed.”
“How would that work? Do we make a train and shove our horns in each other's rear ends?”
“That would… be a terrible idea, Fruit. For starters, that would hurt among other things.” Luna chuckled. “I won’t go into details, but essentially Chrysalis and I would be taking turns with you.”
Oh. Well then, I definitely won’t start a threesome with these two. Again, Chrysalis is mine, and I’m hers. Chrysalis isn’t too keen on sharing either.
“Next, from Ezekiel Namuh, we have ‘That Pizza scene was incredible’ in reference to Fruit introducing pizza to two princesses, and six of the Elements of Harmony. Any comments?”
“Well, it was quite the delicious dish. I quite enjoyed it,” Celestia chuckled. “I especially loved the peppers Fruit used.”
“I… may have lost my self control when I took my first bite, I will admit.” Cadence answered. “You’ve got to show me how to-”
“Ah, family recipe, Cady. Can’t spill the beans.” And Cadence dragged her hoof across her throat- great, she’s gonna kill me.
Nugget coughed. “Moving on, Chrysalis and Fruit, this is from PuzzleMaster98 once more. How do you feel about having kids together?”
“Uh… it would be kinda weird for me, personally. Since technically the entirety of Chryssy’s Hive are her kids, so I would be like a stepdad of some sort.”
“I would love to have more children, Fruit,” Chryssy answered. “But if you do not wish to mate just yet, then we can hold off on.”
“Let’s get married before we start deciding on having kids, Chryssy. I’ve still yet to propose to you!”
“Oh? Is that what you’re planning to do at the Gala?”
“We won’t remember this, right?” I asked.
“Nope!” I let out a sigh in relief. I want my proposal to be a surprise for Chryssy.
“Arkanaids comes in with ‘bro got banned from life’ in reference to Scuttle dragging a noble away, any comments, Scuttle?” the Nugget asked.
“Well, you simply do not call my favorite younger sister ‘ugly’. I know how she feels about her appearance, and I do not, do not appreciate anyone, or anypony insulting her in such a cheap manner. Especially when Chrysalis is far from the worst of our siblings. Did you know that Thistle is currently planning to mass genocide to Zebras?” Oh, where was Thistle?
“What?” Celestia shouted.
(Meanwhile)
“Hail Thistle!” The Zebra kingdom is about to get fucked up.
(back to the gang)
“Don’t worry about it,” Scuttle giggled. “We won’t remember this by the end, so why bother to stop Thistle?”
Celestia began to vibrate in pure rage!
“So Avisability comes in, asking if Fruit hit Twilight during a ‘friendship meeting’ that he walked in on.”
Twilight and Fruit slowly looked at each other. “If I had hands, right now Fruit, I would be using them to show you how I feel about you doing that.”
“Like this?” Chrysalis transformed her hoof into a hand and gave Twilight the middle finger.
“Yes! Exactly! Fruit, why did you throw that brick at me? I was holding a very important meeting-“
“About how to make friends. Twilight, you’re the same pony to tell somebody ‘grow the fuck up’ when their mother dies, granted, you’d in a nicer way, but it’s still something you’d do. Feck, your idea of helping a friend out, is letting them do something dumb, like standing in front of an oncoming train, and then tell them off about it afterwards. That’s a good way to have a dead friend, Twilight.”
“Well, most of her friends would be dead if they didn’t have plot armor,” the Nugget said.
“The hay is that supposed to mean?” Apple Jack put her hoof down with a thunderous crack.
“Nothing.”
“Ah, this was a while ago. DingoAte comes in with ‘this is a very good way to find a pipe bomb in your luggage’ in reference to Chryssy, Skitter, and Scatter reading Fruit’s diary.”
I slowly swiveled my head to face Skitter and Scatter, who were now shivering. “C’mere Scatter.” The Changeling nodded, and reluctantly got out of her recliner, and slowly crept towards where me and Chryssy were. “You don't gotta be scared, y’know.”
“I can sense your disappointment, sir.”
“That's because I’m a better actor than you thought!” I pounced on Scatter and started hugging her head after we hit the ground. “I’m not mad about the whole ‘reading my diary’ shit. If I was, I woulda bombed the train we were on, instead of just getting everybody present drunk.”
“Okay, what is wrong with Fruit? He’s being nice to somepony,” Twilight asked.
“Oh, I can be nice, like genuinely nice to somebody, Twi. But first I actually got to like you, and so far, you’ve proven to be make me want to die more than make me desire your company. You see, I want to be with my bug horses, and my girlfriend. You make me want to stay away from Ponyville, and that’s rich given that I wanna see Diamond Tiara again”
“Don’t worry ladies and gents, stallions and mares, a Fruit and Twilight friendship arc will be a thing!” the Nugget said.
“I will-“
“Nah, I’m your god, you aren’t dying, stupid.”
For fuck’s sake.
“Born-From-Black-Lightnin asks ‘Fruit, if you were not dating Chrysalis, who would you like to date and why?’”
I rubbed my chin and shrugged. “Probably Luna. I was going to try and date her first, but then Chryssy beat her to the curb and asked me out first. Luna is one of the first ponies that I’ve met, and you know, I met her in a very conventional way of dropping in on her from the ceiling. Though, I have also considered dating Celly, but recently,” I gestured over to where the wild Celly was, who was busy kissing Sombra constantly, who was shivering in fear while staring at me. “She’s kinda taken right now, so I think it’s a good thing that I haven’t decided to date her. It would be pretty awkward to date somebody and then redeem their husband.”
“Moving on, Born-From-Black-Lightnin also asks Twilight ‘Hello, welcome to McDonalds, home of the Big Mac, how can I take your order today’?” Twilight slowly turned to me, blinked, and suddenly we were inside of a McDonald’s kitchen. “Well Fruit Punch, care to finally sell Twilight a Big Mac?” the Nugget said.
“You know what, fuck yeah. Twi, go sit in the lobby, you’re gonna get a Big Mac for once.”
“Why do you wish to serve my husband on a plate to Twilight? I do not want to share him,” Nightmare Moon ruffled her feathers.
“A Big Mac is a gourmet delicacy back at home- according to all six thousand people who show up every other day at the McDonalds I worked at.” I quickly threw some patties onto the grill and spun around to quickly put fries into the fryers for everybody else. I am going to feed Twilight what is possibly real cow meat, which is going to traumatize her- what? If we will forget everything that happens here and now, then why not make the most of it?
“Yo Chryssy can you get those patties off the grill for me?” Chrysalis and several other changelings started working the kitchen with me, and somehow, despite never bagging or making orders before, the changelings quickly threw together everybody’s food, which mostly consisted of fries since I don’t think most of the ponies here would be happy about eating meat. Except Twilight, I’m going to tell her it’s a hay burger and then tell her it’s meat-
Actually the changelings made their own food, which also included a burger or two- oh right, these guys can eat literally anything. Like Scatter ate a fucking rock once and was perfectly fine, and her only complaint was ‘it wasn’t crunchy enough’. We all got together in the dining room and… this McDonalds is being suspended in the void. Every changeling seemed to enjoy the food, while I slipped a six pack of nuggets, which she loved by the way(fuck, I need to steal a case of these from McDonalds), and watched with glee as Twilight happily ate away at her Big Mac, which again, was made of meat and not hay. She seemed to love it a lot.
“You know, I like the pickles in this-“
“You do know that’s made out of cow, right?” the Nugget asked. The shit eating grin on his face was palpable.
Twilight’s ears flattened and the Big Mac flew out of the building, through the roof, and immediately got erased in the void. She made a breakneck blitz towards the nearest trashcan and proceeded to throw up into it for thirty minutes straight. Apple Jack was patting her on the back while whispering words of comfort, while Chrysalis snorted. “Someponies need to learn how to stomach their protein.”
“You got that right, Chryssy.”
“Why have you not made yourself any food, Fruit?”
“I ate almost nothing but McDonalds for most of my adult life, and I’m sick of it. Like just the smell of the grill going made me want to die because… I dunno, I guess after finally getting out of working fast food made me realize how close I was to the suicide watch list before this.”
“So, while Twilight has sufficiently been mentally scarred and losing her lunch, Fruit, there is another question for you. From the same guy that made this happen… Born-From-Black-Lightnin! ‘Who would you least like to date(That’s not Twilight or Apple Jack)?’ And I’m going to and on to this; it can’t be another Element of Harmony, because I doubt you’ll get along with any- yes, I know, you think Fluttershy’s adorable, I made you.”
I shrugged. “I suppose I wouldn’t want to date Scatter, because for starters, I don’t think she’d want to be dating me.” Scatter blushed- god dammit. “But she is fucking adorable, and I would rather have us just be good friends.” With that, Scatter climbed up into mine and Chryssy’s booth, laid her head on my shoulder, and started dozing off. “And because she does this a lot, if I were dating her, I would not get anything done. I already don’t get anything done, but I would get even less than I already do if I were dating Scatter.”
“You know, you don’t do anything when I use you as a pillow. In fact, you lay for several hours straight because I’m resting my head on your shoulder too.”
“I don’t wanna wake you up!” I chuckled. “Plus you snore like a kitten and it’s adorable. It would be a crime to wake you up!”
“Chryssy and Fruit kssing in a tree-“ I threw a brick at Spike to shut him up.
“Go pipe Rarity already, dingus.” Rarity blinked, and Chrysalis cleared throat before the fashion pony could say anything.
“I would like to take a shot at one of those questions that were meant for my stallion friend. For if I had to date somebody other than Fruit… I think I would prefer a pink, fluffy unicorn that likes to dance on rainbows. Granted, I do not believe I will meet such a pony, but even if I did, I would still rather date Fruit. It’s been very pleasant so far.”
“In all fairness, if we ever met a pink, fluffy unicorn, I would gladly get cucked by them. That, or you two can share me with her.”
“Didn’t you just say you don’t want to be shared?”
“Yeah, but for a pink, fluffy unicorn, I’d let it happen.”
“I am not putting Fluffle Puff into this story, you idiots. That’s somebody else’s character, but if I could, I would.” The Nugget chuckled. “Well, I dunno if I can- oh, THE_LONE_WRITER asks- no, demands ‘Fruit Punch, please have my children’. I blinked. “Chryssy, please stab me in the heart with your horn.”
“You’ll only feel the pain from me doing that, you understand that, Fruit?” I nodded. “And you understand-” Twilight and her friends blasted me with the elements of harmony and I exploded- god dammit, I’m not dead.
Author's Note
And... done. their memories have been resetted to the latest cannon chapter!
Me and Twilight get Stuck in a Hole
So I woke up in a cave today, for some odd, unexplainable- nevermind, there’s a letter! It’s from Princess Celestia, so surely, surely she’ll have a good reason for me being down here. Maybe she thought some peace and quiet would be nice.
Or she finally got sick of me and wants to get rid of me.
“Dear Prince Fruit Punch. I am tired of you and Princess Twilight Sparkle(and her friends) getting along so poorly. So I have put magic prohibiting rings on you, Twilight, and Rarity. I also bound up everypony that has a pair of wings. Yes, I know you don’t know how to fly, but I'm not taking chances with your bizarre, unpredictable skill set. You seven will have to work together to get out of wherever you are.”
“P.S don’t ask Chrysalis for help, she’s preoccupied.” My eyes twitched. I don’t care about how I now gotta work with five(Fluttershy’s still pretty chill) ponies that I loathe, I really don’t. I can set my differences aside so that we can get out of here in one piece. Here’s my main problem; why does everyone assume I’ll rely on Chrysalis to get me out? And most importantly, why does everybody feel the need to tie her up?
When I get out of here, I am going to find Chrysalis, untie her, and take her out to dinner. Or bring her home and snuggle up with her. I don’t fucking know, just something that doesn’t involve ‘hey, I tied you up so you don’t go rescue your boyfriend’. Seriously, I am tired of having her tied up everytime I need to be ‘taught a lesson in friendship’ with the stupid cat's smiley face and everything.
(Chrysalis was currently betting with Celestia on how long it would take Fruit to curse out one of the elements).
Low and behold, Twilight and her friends, who were in a dog pile, were across the cave chamber from me and Twilight was the first to wake up. Her eyes narrowed at me before she started reading the letter, which was probably identical to mine since her eyes widened. The first thing she did after reading her letter was wake her friends and tell them what was happening. Wait a second, how did she get the sharpie off? It was wash proof and magic proof! Damned false marketing.
“So Fruit, I suppose we’ll have to get along to get out of these… catacombs. Do you have any ideas as to how we’ll get out of here? Because… I can probably develop a plan to get us out of here as soon as possible. I know you want to get back to Queen Chrysalis as soon as you’d like, so just cooperate with me and my friends, and you'll be back to her in a jiffy!” I shrugged. It’s way better than going about it willy nilly, I guess, and Twilight is apparently known for making bullet proof plans even if she probably crumples the very moment that her plan doesn’t… go to plan.
“So first we… head to the right, and stick along the right side of the path and keep taking rights. If we get stuck somewhere, or reach a dead end, we can turn around and keep sticking to the right side of the path. We’ll find an exit eventually,” Twilight said before taking a lantern that was provided to her and lit it. “Fruit, where did you get that helmet from?” I pointed up at my hard hat that had a headlight on it.
“Butt pocket. I expanded the storage on this thing earlier and stuck some essentials in it. Ya never know when you’ll get stuck somewhere, right?”
“Please do not tell me you have more apple pie that is severely out of date.” Everybody shivered… did I traumatize them with that litlle stunt?
“Nah, just a grappling hook, climbing gear, a flintlock, a first aid kit, several M.R.E’s, or instant food, and a magically enchanted bottle of a jump boost potion. Didn’t know those existed, but they do, so I enchanted the bottle to hold more of it. I’ve also got a few more potions I bought off a zebra at some point. And a couple other things that I’m gonna keep to myself because I don’t think you’ll approve of me keeping a combat knife on me.”
Or a shotgun.
The seven of us began to wander to the most right pathway, with me at the front, probably because Twilight expected me to murder one of her friends from behind. God, Pinkie’s legs make spring noises when she jumps, which would be fine if her wasn’t fucking hopping along- I pulled out earplugs and put them in. Ah, so much better. Now- holy fuck, that is a pit, that is a pit to uncertain death. I took my earplugs out and sighed; now I have to fucking hear these guys talk about solutions.
While they were coming up with stupid solutions, one of which involved finding a big rock to put in the pit, I reached in my butt pocket, grabbed my grappling hook, and shot it to the other end of the gap. I then grabbed a second one and did the same thing, and casually began to walk across my improvised bridge. Twilight and her friends decided to take a moment to stare at my improvised bridge before shrugging and, one by one, walked across the bridge and continued to keep their eyes on me.
“So, which way now, Princess? We’ve got another fork in the road,” I got close to one path and turned the headlight on, which shined way, way further out than that shitty little lantern. I pulled out my flintlock.
“I say we go right,” Twilight said. I shot the flintlock down the right and reloaded it as I waited for a sound. Thud! Almost instantly… I shot it down the left path and it kept going and going and goin- thud! “The left path’s the longer path, I say we go left.”
“I’m the leader here, Fruit, I say we go right! And how do you know how the left path’s longer anyways? All you did was shoot that weapon.”
“Yeah and the bullets go at… about a thousand hoofsteps a second. This means that that path,” I pointed to the right path. “Goes for at most, one hundred feet, and that’s for flintlocks that aren’t built to be shot super far like this. This flintlock can shoot about… three hundred feet, and even then, both bullets hit something. So at best, we’ll run into a fork on either path, or a dead end!”
“We could split up, it would make things easier,” Apple Jack suggested.
“But who would want to go with Fruit?” Absolutely nobody. Rarity raised her hoof, but slowly lowered it when everybody glared at her, myself included.
She just wants to stare at my ass while I walk, I know she does.
“I’ll go solo then.” I pulled out a radio and tossed it to Twilight, which she actually tried to catch with her magic, but ended up getting hit in the face with it. I woulda snickered if it weren’t for the fact that we’re stuck down here. “The button on the front will let you talk to me. Tell me if you manage to find something cool down the right, and I’ll do the same if I find something on the left. If we both reach a dead end, we meet back here.”
“Fruit, why should we listen to you? You’re a Celestia damned idiot!” Everybody gasped. Twilight called me an idiot, damn, now I’m going to need a therapist!
“I choose to be dumb, Princess. Keep in mind that I went to college for a fuckin’ degree is psychology, you dickhead. I can be smart when I want to be smart. For all we know, that right path is the way out and you’ll just leave without telling me anything, which is fine. I know how to get these stupid rings off, and I choose not to since that’ll piss Celly off. I really do not feel like getting hit with the sun, which can be a very deadly laser. So yes, I am dumb, and I choose to be dumb. Like how I choose to be an asshole to you specifically, because I fuckin’ hate you!” I spun around.
God, why did Celly think this is a good idea? We’ll end up killing each other before we can get along. Like Twilight is worse than my dad, and he always called me a failure.
“If I find something I’ll talk to y’all over that little radio.” I began walking down the left path and chuckled. You know, it would be very easy to just grab a pair of pliers and rip this magic thing off, it really would be, but I’m supposed to learn to… Oh sick, crystals… I want one. I grabbed a hammer out of my ass, my pocket, not my asshole, and broke a crystal. Now I have another shiny to go along with my dumb little trophy. Why did I go out of my way to win that again?
I dunno, it just looked cool. I was feeling a lot of ‘fuck you’ energy on that particular day.
“Hey Fruit, this is Rainbow Dash. I’m just telling you that the path we went down was a dead end… and Twilight is fuming right now.”
“I’m still going… there’s a fucking pack of timber wolves in front of me right now. Yo, if I die, can you tell Chryssy that I love her?”
“Wait, we’ll come-” I turned my radio off and sat on my rump. So seven wolves, all of which look hungry as fuck, are now my problem. “So, y’all are hungry, right?” The timber wolves started creeping towards me, growling, looking ready to turn me into a pony steak party. Well, I dunno why these guys want to eat what is basically a horse; they taste bad. I would know from eating questionable burgers in college, which I later learnt were made of horse.
Now I could take the time to tame these guys, but I already have five at home, and I simply don’t have the room for that many wolves, myself, two changeling drones, and a changeling queen. So I took out a bag of jerky, turkey because cows are sentient here, and threw the contents on the ground. I looked up and… dead end. Cool. The wolves were occupied with the jerky, so I was pretty much free to leave.
I made sure to pat every timber wolf before I go- one even tried to follow me after I scratched it behind the ears.
I took the radio out and turned it back on. “Yo, I’m heading back, I hit a dead end.”
(Meanwhile)
Twilight stomped. “That stupid stallion thinks he can boss me around? I’m significantly more skilled in magic, I’m smarter, I ascended before he did! And he didn’t even really ascend, he just drank some stupid potion!”
“Twi, are you alright?” Rarity asked.
“Of course I am, Rarity. I just hate Fruit Punch so damn much.” Twilight answered as she rounded a corner, to find Fruit Punch waiting, talking to a mirror.
“So, you aren’t locked up somewhere, Chryssy?”
“No, I am perfectly free, and I won twenty bits because of a bet I made with Celestia, thanks to you.”
“Huh… wanna grab a burger or two when I get out of here.”
“Again Fruit, the mare is supposed to ask the stallion out.”
“I thought we were taking turns!” The Mane Six all sat and stared at Fruit as they watched a side of a stallion they rarely saw. Fruit was genuinely being nice to somebody, no stupid voice that made the stallion sound like he inhaled helium and started blatantly pretending to be nice to another living being. “How about we ask each other out? Surely we can have burgers and then you can take me out shortly afterwards.” He had a small, nearly unnoticeable smile as he spoke to Chrysalis.
“I suppose… a walk in the park after dinner?”
“I’ve yet to see your Hive, y’know. I’ve only met you, Skitter and Scatter and you know, I’d like to meet the rest of your Hive.”
“We can walk through the park in the New Hive, then. Thanks to the Hive mind, most of my drones know who you are, so it’s merely a matter of introducing you to them.”
“Also Celly, thank you for not tying my girlfriend up for the sixteenth time this year.”
“Well, it was made clear that Chrysalis is willing to comply with matters involving you as long as she knows you won’t get hurt. Just make sure you work with the Elements and get out of the catacombs.”
“Oh, I’ve got an idea or two if it takes too long to get outta here.”
“You have explosives, don’t you?” Fruit nodded. “Well, I suppose that is a way out. Just don’t kill anypony while you’re down there.” Fruit stuck the mirror in his butt pocket.
“So what was that about hating me? Because love and hate are two sides of the same coin.”
“Fruit I swear, if you somehow spin this into me being attracted to you, I will end you.”
“Alright, so take the lead Princess. Or do you want me to take the lead so I might get bodied by a trap?” Twilight turned her nose and began to walk ahead of the group.
Rarity squealed at the opportunity to watch Fruit’s hips again.
(Fruit became sentient again. Watch out! “Rarity stop at my ass you pervert!”)
Eventually the group made it back to the beginning chamber they all had woken up in, and went into the next path, where there were four in total. “So… which direction now, Princess?” I asked, pulling out my flintlock again.
“Fruit, if you make a choice based on that stupid method again.”
“Instead of going by deduction of options, and spending quite possibly all day down here?” I cocked my head. “Fuckin’ christ, I wish Skitter were here. He’d have us out of this shithole in twelve minutes tops.”
(Skitter was making sure Scatter doesn’t get kidnapped by the Royal Guard she’s currently playing with. He can sense the guard’s desire to and understands why; Scatter was being completely adorable by changeling standards, as in very cute)
“I am the princess here, Fruit. you're just a sad, poor excuse of a stallion that gets favoritism because you’re from another universe!” Twilight started shouting while she was five inches away from my face. My ears hurt now. I kept on backing away towards one of the four possible paths. “And because ‘you could make for a good prince’ and whatever! The only reason why you’re not rotting in a cell is because you’re an alicorn that didn’t even ascend properly! You drunk a stupid…”
Hurtful and accurate... Oh well! Where’s the floor?
“Twilight!” One of the Elements shouted as the floor gave out from under us.
“Oh right, I stepped on a pressure plate while you were shouting at me.” Duh duh duh! We’re dead! We both looked down and started screaming as we fell into what seemed like a bottomless pit. “Alicorns can’t die, right?” I shouted as we kept on falling.
“There are stories, and actual alicorns through out, who have been killed!” Twilight shouted back as the bottom of the pit grew near. “Don’t you have anything to save us?”
I pulled out my grappling hook… and it slipped out of my hoof. “Here, I got an idea,” I tucked my legs in and fell faster than Twilight did, and got underneath her. Why the fuck is my moral compass kicking in now of all fucking times? Fuck moraity-
Okay, okay, everything fucking hurts. I hit the ground first, and Twilight came crashing down on top of me. Thank god she was alright because everything fucking burns! I’m actually laying in a puddle of my own blood, Jesus christ. I’ve jumped out of a castle and was fine, so we must’ve been falling for a fucking while. I started screaming several obscenities while I started holding my now broken, left front foreleg.
“You… actually broke my fall,” Twilight sounded like she was at a loss. Oh come the fuck- she was perfectly fine! And my arm is bent in fifteen ways that are completely unnatural!
“Surprise…” I sat up and groaned as my body tried to protest, but I forced it to sit the fuck up. That’s right you bitch, I own you, and you will do as I say- this sounded like slavery. You know, when you really think about it your body is a slave to your mind. Oh right, I broke my everything, ass not included... At least Chrysalis gets to still ‘enjoy the view’. “So… any ideas on how we’re getting out of this hole?”
We both looked up. “We could try the grappling hook.”
“With my broken arm? Hell no. I can’t fly because I never got any lessons, and you can’t fly because your wings are magically bound to your body. We’re fucked…” I grinned like an idiot.
“Why are you smiling? We are going to starve to death down here!”
“I’ve got seven week’s worth of instant food for one guy, so we’ll last a while. I just like the idea of dying…”
“What is wrong with you? Don’t you still have to propose to Queen Chrysalis?”
“Yeah… it sucks that I can’t do that, but at least I fell in love. Boy did it hurt a lot, but life was wonderful whenever I was with Chryssy.”
“So you have a reason to keep on going!”
“I do, but I don’t like the fact that I’m an alicorn now. I didn’t earn it, as you said, and uh… I don’t like the implication of me being very, very, very long lived, Twilight. I expected about just short of a century’s worth of time alive, and then I’m given way more than that. I don’t wish to be alive forever, Twilight; being alive while I am alive is far, far more worth an eternal life.”
“That is… aren’t you supposed to be a comedian? And an asshole? When the fuck did you become a philosopher?” Wow, Twi’s cursing, I must’ve broken her.
“Yes to the first two of your questions, I’m an assoholic bitch of a shitty comedian, but I’m also an upcoming psychologist, Twilight. If you know you’ve got a limited time to be alive, or a shortened life span for any reason, you're going to try and enjoy life as best as you can. And I’d say this last year was probably the best year of my life. I found love, I found freedom…” I chuckled. “I’m free of my crippling debt!” That’s the best part of this, too.
“Why are you actually being a decent person, Fruit? What happened to that unbearable stallion that I woke up to this morning?”
“That whole persona is to make myself seem unapproachable, Twilight. I like being alone; it’s just how I am…” Twilight laid her head on my shoulder. “Hey now, you seem like you actually like me now. That’s a wee bit strange, ain’t it?”
(Chrysalis wrote down ‘egg Twilight’s house for cuddling with My FRUIT’ in her journal before putting it away)
“You… turned out to be an actually decent stallion. Come on, you aren't dying here. I’m going to make sure you get to at least marry Chrysalis before you die.”
Aw, god dammit! Here I was thinking Twilight and I would hate each other forever.
“Hey Twilight, why is Pinkie Pie… running on the wall, straight down, with no fucking climbing gear?” Before either of us could ask any further questions, Pinkie grabbed the two of us, and ran straight back up the wall until… I blacked out, to be honest. My head hurts way too much.
“Welcome to Pinkie’s world, Fruit,” Twilight’s voice pierced the void that is my closed eyelids.
“That’s right…” Pinkie said in an overly cheerful voice. “So when are you two dating?” Twilight faked a gag- she’s fucking considering it!
I hit myself over the head with a brick.
(Later that day)
“Ugh…” What the fuck dude? I lifted my head to see… Chrysalis shouting at Celestia in a sound proof bubble.
(in the bubble)
“You said Fruit wouldn’t get hurt, you fucking bitch!”
“It was the only way to get you to allow me to do this, without tying you up, Chrysalis.”
“Fruit has several broken limbs and broken legs.”
“But now Twilight actually likes Fruit, and Fruit might be more willing to tolerate Twilight. And now we know that Fruit being… Fruit is an act.”
“I’ve known since I met him, Celestia.”
“Of course, that stallion is more likely-“ Celestia grunted when Chrysalis slapped her cheek.
“That is for intentionally hurting Fruit second handedly. Now if you excuse me, I have a stallion’s boo boos to kiss.”
Chrysalis stepped out of the bubble and trotted over to Fruit, while Celestia kept holding her cheek. That bug knew how to fucking slap!
“That was hot, dear,” Fruit said.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, it was sexy as fuck.”
Chrysalis crawled up into the bed beside Fruit. “So, Fruit, where did you learn philosophy from?”
“I put myself in debt for those lessons in it.”
“I see… I do like your perspective on life, even if it requires you nearly dying to hear it.”
“I mean… I’ll live forever if I get to be with you forever.”
“You just like my… legs.” Chrysalis slid a hoof down one of her rear legs.
“So? They’re long and sexy! Okay, I also love the mare that’s attached to them.” Chrysalis buried her face in Fruit’s side.
“Fruit, you sly bitch!”
Celestia walked out of the room. Those two were insufferable together.
Author's Note
Sorry if there’s not enough funnies in this particular chapter. I wanted to give Fruit a bit more depth. Next chapter we’ll kill santa clause with a brick and a machete
Hearth’s Warming is Magical
Ah, there’s fucking snow on the god damn ground! God dammit, there’s like seventeen inches of fucking snow on the ground! Who? Why? Who was the fucking dumbass who decided to pull an Ohio and dump severeen inches of snow on Canterlot out of nowhere… Celestia and Luna made the weather schedules. That’s it, I’m going to storm the castle and kill the king when the snow melts.
I have to, because snow dropping in like this out of nowhere is fucking insane.
On the bright side, I have my timber wolves… which I can’t find anywhere. But considering I see green, glowing eyes under my bed, I think my wolves are using the underside of my bed as a den, like how my changeling guards usually do… But my changeling guards went out last night to visit a friend of theirs in the Hive and it fucking snowed!
Oh yeah, Changelings are terrible at dealing with the cold. Like incredibly bad, to the point where they need to wear scarves and beanies while inside of a magically heated building. So I’m not seeing Skitter, Scatter, or my girlfriend for at least three days while all the snow sticks around. I am going to actually steal the yearly weather budget and burn it.
Well this sucks. Hearth’s Warming was in two days and I was hoping to… go spend the day with Chrysalis while we chatted over some hot cocoa. Thankfully, I’m not going to miss it; I’ll just have to come to Chrysalis, which won’t be too terrible. But as a New Yorker, this much snow is enough to make me have a hissy fit over the whole thing.
I laid my head down on my pillow and stared at the ceiling, my leg was still broken and in a sling, so I couldn’t really wrestle with one of my timber wolves, no matter how fun that sounds right now. It was actually kinda fun now that I’m a creature that stands on four legs, and my wolves let me win most of the time… then it ends up me and my wolves in a doggy pile that is surprisingly comfortable given that my pets are made out of wood.
Also everything still kinda hurts. That sucks. I’m feeling… dead inside. Recovering from an injury sucks.
A knock at my door made me raise my head. Who, who in their right mind is out and about while there’s seventeen inches on the ground, and snow’s still coming down! Fuck it, I do not feel like getting up. So I magicked the door open because I shouldn’t check if it’s a stranger, a homeless guy, or a serial raper. Or a homeless guy that's a serial raper.
“Hey Fruit,” I raised my head… Why is Twilight here? Why were her friends here? It’s fucking freezing- play, they’re wearing winter clothing.
“Sup,” I rolled onto my side to face them while being careful with my leg. It would've been healed within a week, but I kinda walked out of the hospital because the nurse kept trying to hit on me, and it was making me kinda uncomfortable. I don’t know why she was so interested in my arse, but it was enough to make me deal with a longer recovery rather than a quicker, easier one.
That got a few missing signs put up in my name… So that’s what happens when you date an overly protective Changeling Queen that you absolutely adore. Luckily Chryssy knows where I am, even if I got an earful for leaving the hospital with a broken leg.
“So why the heck are you guys here? Don’t you live in Ponyville?”
“We were stopping by Canterlot since the Princesses invited us to a Hearth’s Warming party. She was going to invite you… then remembered that you're still recovering from our fall.” Twilight sat by my bed. “Thanks for stopping my fall, by the way. I… never got to truly thank you for that.”
“Don’t you dare assume I’m a nice guy.”
“We saw how you acted while talking to Chrysalis. We know you’re a big softie underneath your… rough exterior,” Rainbow said. She smirked. “Like it’s completely lame that you’re that soft, but I suppose everypony is awesome in their own ways.”
“Plus you were coming to terms with dying in that hole! I heard you!” Pinkie butted in.
“Wait, what?” Apple raised an eyebrow.
“Can we just go back to hating each other? That was pretty fun.” I chuckled. “Seriously, don’t go around spreading the word that I’m not a completely horrible person. I like being left alone.”
“You know Derpy Doo was trying to find a way to invite you to a Hearth’s Warming’s Eve party, right?” Rainbow asked.
“As in… the mail mare?” Rainbow nodded.
“Yeah, everypony in Ponyville knew about how you helped her get paid when her boss was screwing her over. So I was surprised that you ended up being such… such a prick,” Twilight chuckled. “And then you tried to give me advice when I was stressing over my coronation speech. Even if you are usually completely unbearable, you aren’t too bad of a stallion.”
“Or how you-“
“Aight, I get the point. Why did you all come here?”
“We wanted to check in on you and wish you a happy Hearth’s Warming.”
“Oh yeah, I’m super happy that I get to travel through the snowy, icy roads of Canterlot with a broken leg because somebody dumped an ass load of snow on the ground. Because Chrysalis literally cannot go outside with how cold it is right now, so I either go to her and possibly break my leg again, or spend the day alone.”
“Well…” Apple handed me a small box. “I know we haven’t gotten along, but hearing from Twilight how you actively made sure she didn’t get hurt by that fall, landed you on my nice list.”
“Cool…” I opened up the box and… it was a little, silver chained, necklace with an apple-shaped gem hanging from it… No, I am not tearing up over a stupid little necklace. “Wow… usually I get a letter from my parents that tell me that I’m a failure and should commit seppuku.”
“What?” Twilight nearly shouted.
“My parents tell me to kill myself, basically.”
“That is… awful.”
“Really? I thought it was normal for comedians. Can’t have comedy without tragedy, right?”
“Fruit, that isn’t right, that’s messed up, like very messed up.” Rainbow said.
“Yeah, I know.”
We all sat in awkward silence while the group of mares began to process how ‘bad’ my life was. Honestly, who didn’t tell their children to go kill themselves? Healthy, sane, reasonable individuals? Like those exist in New York City.
“Say… do you know any songs?” Fluttershy blurted out of nowhere.
“Wha?”
“You sang an… interesting song at Cadence’s wedding reception… I was wondering if you knew any other songs. Something more… pleasant”
I levitated myself up with my magic, which surprisingly worked, and moved myself over to a portable piano that I borrowed from the castle a few weeks ago. Did I ask? No. But Celestia owes me for pretty much setting up the whole ‘broken’ leg thing. So this is her payment, even if she didn’t agree to this form of payment.
“It surprises me that you know how to do that.”
“What?”
“You know how to fly with magic.”
“No I don’t, I just used levitation on myself.”
Twilight and Rarity blinked. “That… is ingenious, actually.” Rarity even tried it and remained in the air for five seconds. She nearly face planted afterwards.
“Welcome to humanity, we make ideas and sometimes those ideas involve eating shit, or coming up with spaceships that can take us to the moon and back. It depends on the day that somebody chooses to think.” I paused and realized I can’t play piano without my fucked up leg being a problem.
Well, I can play using magic.
“Well, I suppose I should sing a Christmas song. Before you ask, that’s the human equivalent of Hearth’s Warming.” Everybody nodded and I hit five keys with my magic to test the waters… this was easier than using my hooves. Man, if only I remembered to use magic more.
Might as well sing a Spongebob song again while I’m here.
“Bring Joy to the world, it’s the thing to do.” I did a nice little flourish on the piano because I honestly don’t know how to play this song. I’m just hoping what I’m doing sounds christmas-y enough. “But the world does not revolve around you!” I sang in my best Spongebob impression, which admittedly was probably not the move to do. Everybody in the room seemed to like it at least.
As I continued to sing, Twilight and her friends swayed side to side on beat to the song I was singing. Eventually I managed to make it to the end, after improvising some lyrics because I couldn’t remember the whole song, and stopped. God singing like Spongebob hurt my ass… don’t ask how I did such an accurate Spongebob Squarepants expression with my ass.
Trust me, that is some weird shit you don’t want to know about… I’m here all week, guys.
“That was nice,” Fluttershy was… smiling. It was a small, adorable one.
“And you can sing and play the piano? Are you sure you’re not single?” Rarity asked.
“Yeah, Chrysalis owns my ass, and will kick the shit out of anypony that tries to court me.”
“I… think I’ll leave you alone then. I did not know that you had such a… dedicated marefriend.”
“Meh, she’s the love of my life…” I pulled out a guitar. “I even learnt how to play the guitar for her, so I can sing her a silly little love song I learnt and wrote when I was a kid.”
Rarity groaned. “Why are you and Chrysalis even dating? Didn’t she invade Canterlot?”
“Actually, she tried to mind control me and failed when we first met. It just turned out we got along exceedingly well, and I stopped her from actively kidnapping Princess Cadence because I was supplying Chryssy with enough… love to feed her Hive. Her children thought she was getting executed and invaded Canterlot in an effort to save her. It’s kinda cute because they dubbed it the ‘Save Mom’ mission.
“Like Chrysalis is quite lovely to be around, and I absolutely love cuddling up with her in bed… plus she’s kinda sexy.”
Everybody but Pinkie gagged, she seemed to be considering boning my girlfriend- hey! No, that’s my Chryssy, Pinkie. Bad Pinkie... Pie.
(Chrysalis, who was watching with a Crystal Ball, was now blushing)
“Well… I suppose we should get going, we need to get to our hotel room, after all.” Twilight said. I nodded and waved them goodbye… Jesus, why were they actually pleasant to be around now? I liked being seen as an asshole more than this. Why did Twilight and, by extension, Pinkie Pie tell their friends about me being a decent piece of shit instead of a complete piece of shit? I picked myself up with levitation and moved myself back to the bed, where one of my wolves had taken residence on my pillow…
You’re lucky you’re cute and cuddly, Jerry. You pony eating monster you. Luckily he didn’t protest being used as a pillow since my current one is out of commission, under arrest due to ‘doggy want snuggles’, and executed under said doggy butt.
I closed my eyes and went to sleep…
Who the fuck is standing on my roof? Here I am, sleeping until the night of the next day, and my wolves were barking. Then I hear a bastard walking on top of my roof! I grabbed a shotgun and multiplied it sixteen times, and pointed them at the fireplace. Though it was lit, it was also the only entrance from the roof that whoever the fuck can take to get in. And I ain’t taking any chances.
“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Oh god, that sounds like a pedophile. Go away fuck boy! I’m not a child!
I summoned seventeen muskets just in case unloading sixteen shotguns into a creepy old man wasn’t enough. I wrapped myself up in my blanket and shivered in fear, with a brick in one arm, and Jerry in the other. I’m gonna be honest, I’m kinda scared. Because I have a broken arm and several other still broken bones, so I am not winning a fight against a toddler, let alone a creepy old man that wants said toddler.
Whoever was on my roof started making his way to the chimney… and my fireplace just went out. How thefuck- Okay, we’re dealing with at least a unicorn. dust fell and hit the charcoal as something began to shimmy down my chimney. “Ho. Ho. Ho. I sense that somepony is still awake, perhaps… No, this pony isn’t truly a pony, is he?” I shivered even more and… a reindeer’s head popped in, hanging upside down, wearing a christmas hat that somehow hadn’t fallen off his head.
“Ah hello Fruit, I’ve been hoping to meet you for a long time-“ The creep said before fully stepping out of the fireplace. When I then promptly unloaded every single shotgun and musket into the fucker as possible. I ain’t taking chances, if he wanted to meet me after a ‘long time’ then the fucker was planning this. If Grand Theft Auto has taught me anything, commit homicide, ask questions later.
Or commit the homicide and laugh at the corpse launch.
“Ho… Ho… Ho… that is the first time when I wasn’t warmly received!” How the fuck? No, no, no, you do not get to live. I unloaded every single firearm in the room on the fucker, muskets, shotguns, flintlocks, I shoved a knife into the man’s chest while I was at it, and pulled out a machete I had on hand for no particular reason. Usually this is for cutting vines when I get lost in a forest again, but I will saw off this fucker’s head if he-
“Golly, I might put you on the permanent naughty list-“ I threw my brick at the man and knocked him out. And then, without hesitation, I floated on over and started to saw off the reindeer’s head. Don’t take any chances, this could be like Jason fucking Voorhees, and can come back from the dead. So instead, I am going to fully dismember this fucker, and drop him off of Mount Canterlot where he can’t harm me, or any children, ever again.
I breathed heavily as I stared down at the carnage… I killed a man. It was a creepy old man, but I killed a man. You know, if he was going down chimneys and touching kids, then I think he deserved this. Oh hey a sack full of toys… Wow, what a fucking psycho, luring kids in with toys? Good news, shitface, I’m only attracted to crystalized, condensed cocaine! Try harder, bitch! Anyways, this guy is even more fucked up than I thought… Well, I need to go visit Chryssy anyways…
I stuck all the body parts in a trash bag, washed myself off with a washing spell, and started out the door after feeding my wolves. As I floated through the snow, I noticed a sled just sitting, like a Santa style sled just sitting in the middle of the park as I walked along. Like it had bells and everything, even a whistle here and there. Thank god I lived on the outskirts of Canterlot because finding the rail was pretty easy. Like, the one that keeps you from falling to your death in Canterlot. So I hucked the dead man over the railing.
“That’s a job well done, Fruit!” Then I teleported into Chrysalis’s throne room... I forgot I could do that.
Low and behold, Chrysalis was wearing a fuzzy sweater and a thick scarf. She was fast asleep on her throne… d’aw! I teleported over, leaned up against her side, and fell asleep. What a way to end the night after killing a creepy old man. Chryssy wrapped her tail around me .
So for some reason, the very next day, me and Chryssy had to go to a press conference that Celestia was holding on Hearth’s Warming. Why? I don’t know. So me and Chryssy teleported after Chryssy layered up in seven fluffy sweaters, which made her even more huggable than usual(and hard to hug because now she was a round ball of fluff).
“Mares, stallions, fillys and gentlecolts. As many of you might have noticed, many of you have not received any presents for this Hearth’s Warming… As many of you would like to not believe, or believe if you are very young, Santa Claus is in fact real, and a very close friend to the Crown… He usually does not reveal himself, or wish to have his existence known beyond a simple belief, but this is an important matter…
“If any children are listening, cover your ears...” Celestia paused and wiped a tear from her eye. “Santa Claus is dead. He was found at the base of Mount Canterlot in a trash bag. With numerous wounds, and completely dismembered, down to every branch of his antlers being surgically cut and diced. We don’t know who killed Santa, but the guard had found his sled in Canterlot Park… unattended and empty of its gifts. Fortunately, Hearth's Warming is made of more than just gifts; it’s also about spending time with the ponies you love, and cherishing the time spent.
“But unfortunately, unless you buy each other gifts, nopony will receive any gifts , as Santa Claus will no longer be able to bring anypony gifts… for the foreseeable future.”
Uh… hopefully… oh, Celestia showed a picture of Santa to the press. A reindeer in some sort of Santa get up… Fuck man. I just had an awesome one versus one with Santa and fucking flattened him! Get better at not dying bitch, my Kill Death Ratio is at a perfect one right now… God dammit. Well, I killed Santa.
I killed Santa and dismembered him and single handedly ruined a holiday for everybody in Equestria!
Chrysalis was holding me throughout the whole press conference, and seemed indifferent.
“Don’t worry Fruit, your secret is safe with me… he kept giving me coal every year. That stupid old man had what was coming to him,” Chrysalis kissed me on the top of my head.
Okay, girlfriend is happ and she’s kissing me on the head. I feel better now. Fuck Santa, giving coal- I’m gonna bring himback from the dead and kill him again!
“Wait, what secret?”
“You killed Santa, did you not?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“Okay, yeah…” I whispered.
“My hero!” Chrysalis hugged me even tighter… Best. Christmas. Ever.
Author's Note
GG EZ’D ,SANTA!
-Fruti
Also next chapter Skitter will introduce us to spaghetti pizza. Fruit will react accordingly and taste test it.
My First Great Galloping Gala
Oh my fucking god, waiting in line for the Great Galloping Gala is boring. This marks a whole year, a whole year since I’ve entered Equus through questionable, nonsensical means. And here I am, waiting to get in because Chrysalis got a ‘VIP Changeling Queen Pass’ but couldn’t bring me in with her. So here I am, hearing about how some rich bitch fucked another man behind her husband’s back, and her husband was perfectly okay with it. Wait… ain’t I a prince? Why the fuck am I waiting in line for? So I got out of line to ask a guard about why I couldn’t get in ahead of the line.
“Well, you can technically skip the line, your highness, so I don’t know why you decided to stand in line.”
“I kinda forgot that I had wings and a horn.” The guard blinked.
“What? It’s true, I forgot that I have wings and a horn.” The guard slowly nodded, what did he think I was? Stupid? He was right! And had led me to the front of the line and saw a giant pile of slime going around and harassing people with sparkly dresses. That… isn’t my problem tonight since my job was to just stand and look nice, but I’m not going to do my job, I am going to walk around the party room, find Chrysalis and propose to her already. It’s been a year, we were basically a couple since the first month of us meeting with each other, and we’ve only officially dated for about a month.
It’s time that I call Chryssy my fiance and not just… Chryssy. I was kinda excited and nervous at the same time.
“Ah, Prince Fruit, it is lovely to see that you have joined us!” Nightmare Moon flew down from a balcony, with Big Mac in her hooves, who had then been tucked in one of her wings. The stallion was wearing a simple suit, while Nightmare chose to wear a more ornamental version of her usual armor. Cadence… was here as well and glaring at me for some reason.
(Cadence would like to smack Fruit over the head with an asteroid for doing her job, which was getting Nightmare Moon hooked up with somepony. Unfortunately that was out of her realm of power)
“I hope that you can liven up this boring, little party a little bit. It’s… bland. Just fancy dresses, suits, and a bunch of nobles. I simply… would like-”
“Now introducing, the Lord of Chaos, Discord and his guest… the Smooze!” The crier announced. What in the fuck. I haven’t heard from Discord since Tirek, and it’s probably because I scared the fuck out of Discord with that bloody as fuck experience. Well, I guess… hey, I’m a Prince and I didn’t get announced to the Gala, but the fucker that helped to almost bring Equestria does? Bro, I thought- you know what? Fuck it, I don’t care, I’m finding Chryssy… Oh. My. God.
Chrysalis was standing next to Princess Celestia, who was wearing a nice, simple pink dress. Luna was also present, wearing a lovely, sparkly, black dress that went nicely with her coat. The two sisters were looking lovely, as usual, but holy fuck look at Chrysalis. I can tell it was Chrysalis even if she was disguised; it was the same one she used so I could sneak her into the first Canterlot wedding. A slender legged, white coated unicorn with a light blue, wavy mane… Which I always found to be pretty. She was fucking gorgious. Despite it being well pretty late(The moon was risen while I was waiting in like like an idiot), Chrysalis decided to wear a little sun hat, with some very, very light makeup, almost unnoticeable from here. To the point where I had to look really, really hard to notice that it was even there.
What she was also wearing made my monkey brain go ‘holy fucking shit’.
Chrysalis’s dress, while simple, simply matched perfectly with her disguises' coat, and I bet it would look even better on undisguised Chryssy. It hugged her chest tightly, and the rest of her figure for that matter. It ended at Chrysalis’s rear ankles, so it was nice, long, and accentuated them. I caught a few dickheads staring at her… yeah, admire her beauty, but if you make a move on my Cuddle Bug, I will end you, Jerry, that’s right, I fucking see you, you shithead. I will find you, and shove a whole carrot into your nostril.
Chrysalis was wearing stockings, surprisingly enough, which made her front legs look adorable, while making her rear legs look… hypnotizing.
I want to hug that bug.
Chryssy, what the fresh fuck? Are you trying to make proposing to you hard? How the fuck can I compare to a creature as beautiful as thou? She’s not even in my preferred form, which was her undisguised self, and I felt heavily inadequate in comparison to her. I was wearing a simple, red suit jacket, with a white shirt underneath it. I didn’t even button it, or brush my mane or tail! Chryssy, I love you so god damn much, but I still wonder how the fuck I managed to land on you!
The Changeling Queen was chatting with the Princesses. Twilight noticed me and waved, but Chrysalis has yet to even notice me. If she did, then she didn’t show that she did. Also Twilight, you’re supposed to pretend like you still don’t like me, you bitch! We had an agreement, and you’re- you’re lucky that you’re kinda adorable at times, or I would have stuck a pencil in your nostril three months ago. It wouldn’t go very deep, or be very painful, but it would be funny. It’s why you’re still alive, cute, pretty, purple pony.
Also I didn’t want to kill Twilight... God dammit; we’re starting to be friends! Fuck you, Nugget for the friendship arc!
Oh hey, Sombra was tucked under Celly’s wing. That is weirdly adorable. He looked half asleep, probably because of the Sun Goddess that was holding him... Celly was extra warm. And also was also extra- coated in with warm fur to nuzzle into.
Did you think I was gonna talk about her ass? Yes, it is glorious, but c’mon, I got Chryssy’s butt to stare at!
End me.
I pulled out the wedding ring that I actually bought with money that I’ve earned for once, and proposed with. Twilight held her hooves up to her cheeks- she was fucking blushing.
“Is that for me?” Rarity asked, before shrieking as the Smooze tried to grab her. Until I magicked the thing up into a ball, and threw it out an open window. She batted her eyes at me. “Come on, Fruit Punch, you know you cannot resist me… I mean, look at me.” I looked her up and down, her dress was nice, her make up was nice, she did look nice. “Well? Come on, you’re a dashing fellow, a prince, you can play the piano, and you can sing! I’m willing to bet you can play the guitar given that you have one strapped to your back… Just give me a chance!”
“Oh fuck, I brought my guitar? Sick, I can propose to Chryssy with it!”
“What? After everything we’ve been through? I even broke into your hotel room in Ponyville,” the fuck? “And measured you while you were sleeping! I made this suit for our wedding!” Rarity snarled. Rarity, that is... borderline psychopathic.
“Rarity, look at Chrysalis,” Rarity nodded before slowly turning to look at Chrysalis, and her jaw dropped to the floor. “That is who I want to propose to. Granted, I would prefer it if she were her buggy self, but that’s who I am dating, and I want to share something more with her. I love that mare and I would like to take our relationship to the next level. So no, I will not be proposing to you, and no I am not for sharing. One mare gets all my love, and one alone… Because she feeds on love and I love her.”
“I think I might be into mares now…” Rarity said under her breath. That’s it, you’re getting sprayed with water, Rarity. My Chryssy. Mine.
Okay… how to propose? I could just kidnap Chryssy, take her to some random cave, and get married. She’d probably like that if I did, but I… fuck it, I’m gonna just… wander over to where there was a band, who were setting up their instruments. I climbed up on stage, and the band immediately cleared the way for me. Wow, my reputation precedes me, as it seems.
I tapped a- where’d the mic go?
“Hello, is this thing working? Testing, testing!” Discord asked, tapping the mic, which made the thing peak, which turned into a very (un)pleasant ringing noise through one of the speakers. “Good evening Fillies and Germs, I just flew into Canterlot-“ and then he made a joke about how he can fly better than two alicorns; Twilight Sparkle and myself. Okay, the first one is arguable, and the second is accurate and hurtful.
Where’d this brick wall come from?
I chuckled a bit. “Yo, if we’re doing stand up comedy, can I-“ Discord kept making jokes that are worse than mine, so I snatched the mic from him, and started going wild.
“So everypony, if you’ve had loving, supportive parents, raise your hooves. Nice and high for me!” Damn near everypony raised their hooves. “Ah darn, so has anypony’s parents ever told you how much they love you?”
“Yeah!” Everypony said.
“Same here! Like this one time, I dropped a plate, and my Mom told me that she wanted to disown me. I know she said it in an irritated voice, and she sounded genuine, but I could tell she loved me. You can’t hate somepony without loving them, right?” The ponies in the crowd let out a collective chuckle.
“So this one time, I fell on a Princess during last year’s Great Galloping Gala. I don’t know if anypony has heard about that, but it has happened. So during my trial, Princess Luna, the Princess I fell on, she was kind of reminding me of my Mom the whole time. Not because she was made and wanted to disown me, but because I knew she loved at at first fight; she kinda just kept giving me this… look. The kind my mom would’ve made if I dropped a plate. She loved me even if she wasn’t showing it during her lawsuit.”
Everybody chuckled again.
“I wonder why Princess Luna was pretending to be so furious with me. I only crushed her back and injured her while trying to kill her! Like c’mon Luna, nopony can resist this hunk of testosterone!” I purposely skipped on a banana peel and fell on my front knee, but used magic to stop myself to keep my still broken leg from being rebroken. and did my best ‘Woman got stabbed scream’.
“Oh god, what the fuck? Ow! Ow! Holy, sweet mother of Celestia-“ I sat up. “Uh… you saw nothing.” I cleared my throat. “See? I'm a walking case of testerone! Yeah, you’re all snickering because you know I’m right.”
Discord grumbled in a language I never heard before- hey the Smooze is out again- and I’m covered in slime. Well, I would have, if Skitter hadn't dropped in out of nowhere, and shielded me with a magical bubble. Chrysalis was in a similar predicament, with two drones having bubbles shot up. Some girl, Fluttershy’s plus one, walked up to the Smooze and had managed to calm it down and get it to unslime everybody.
Then Discord tried to throw her into a dimensional rift. Well that’s problematic. Maybe somebody should- Fluttershy and Discord began to shout at each other, had a happy, merry little friendship lesson and the night began to return to normal… Except Skitter brought a fucking set of pizzas with spaghetti as the toppings! I wandered over to get a slice to just try it-
“Skitter.” The drone materialized next to me, like he just showed up out of nowhere.
“Yes sir?”
“Did you slip sugarcane into this?”
“No sir.”
“God damn Skits, why the fuck are you better at making pizza than I am?”
“I did use your recipe for it, sir. I just added spaghetti onto it. If you would like, I can give you the recipe for the spaghetti and teach you how to make this sort of thing yourself.”
I wrapped an arm around Skitter. “I would like the recipe for that spaghetti. It’s fuckin’ delicious, dude.” Skitter nodded and smiled like a little kid who did their parents proud.
(Gordon Ramsey felt a disturbance in the force, but an even worse one took his attention right after. Somepony had just microwaved ice cream).
“Hey!” Somebody walked up to me, waving at me like we were best friends.
“That stand up bit wasn’t too shabby! How’d you come up with jokes like that?”
“Went to school for it. I thought I kinda sucked at comedy even with that, but I guess I improved at some point? I dunno.” The stallion nodded.
“Say, you’re a Prince-“
“Please don’t invite me to anything. I’ll probably end up ruining it.”
“But…”
“I know, it would look good if I showed up. But I got a bit of a reputation for being an asshat. I don’t wanna ruin something by being there and being an asshat.”
“I… understood, your highness.” My eye twitched, and the stallion wandered off. Skitter had wandered off and was currently tap dancing with Skitter, until the two of them stopped, and bent their legs. The ‘ling dance’ had just begun as they began to sway side to side to a nonexistent song that only they could hear. More Changelings came out of nowhere and joined in.
Sunset Shimmer, who was wearing a simple, white dress, was standing a few feet away from the changeling dance crew. She stared at the cuddle bugs for a few moments, shrugged, and joined in. Pinkie also joined in after finishing her dance with the Smooze. Every single noble in the room cringed
I climbed up on stage, as the band was trying to get smooze out of their instruments.
My guitar was untouched.
“So this song is going out to a special somebody that I met over the last year. So I hope this isn’t too bad.” I began to strum the guitar with my magic. “Good looks could heal… the pain I feel.” Yes, I know, not a Bo Burnham song, but how the fuck do you sing one of those while trying to propose to somebody?
You don’t.
As I continued to sing my silly little love song, I looked up from my guitar. Chrysalis had moved to the dance floor and was now staring directly at me. I couldn’t help but grin as I kept on playing. Some of the members on the band, who had gotten their instruments cleaned, joined in and a pair of violins, a cello, and the set of drums began to play on key to what I was playing.
My voice cracked while hitting a high note! God dammit vocal cords and lungs, you are so lucky that cigarettes don’t exist, or I would’ve spoked six packs in an hour to make you suffer for ruining this moment for me! Luckily, Chrysalis didn’t seem to mind it, and was now standing three feet away from the stage.
She undisguised to reveal… Well, a beautiful bug in a beautiful dress. Rarity’s eyes were on my girl’s flanks!
“So Chrysalis, I know you can probably guess where this is going…” I pulled out a ring box and opened it. “Will you marry me, my Queen?” Chrysalis lifted the ring very gently with a hoof, and examined it. I could see the gears in her head running as she began to process my question.
“No.” Everypony gasped and my heart dropped. Chrysalis’s eyes widened and hugged me. “I was only kidding, Fruit! I thought you would have noticed!” I blinked a couple times…
“So is that a ye-“
Chrysalis let go of me, but then grabbed me with her magic, and kissed me directly on the lips. She then pulled away and gave me a sly little look. “Does that answer your question, Fruit?” Every changeling in the room began to collectively cheer, as did everypony in the room.
(Meanwhile Cadence was rubbing Luna’s back on the balcony. “Don’t worry Auntie, We’ll find a way to make Fruit understand that herds aren’t that bad.” The Princess of Love comforted the Moon Princess. “What do you even see in that stupid stallion? Let the asshole marry the asshole- Oh my Celestia, Fruit and Chrysalis are kissing! Oh my Celestia! They’re adorable!
“If only that stallion had wanted a harem.”)
“You know, we will have to begin planning the wedding,” Chrysalis said as we danced. She held me in her arms; I stood on my hind legs to match her stature, and she took the lead and continued to dance.
“Yeah.”
“And our honeymoon.”
“Yeah… it’ll be magical. You, me, a beach, and a bottle of vodka that’s
“And then we’ll have children!” Chrysalis said as she lifted me up and did a little twirl. She giggled. “Of course, if you are comfortable with mating Fruit…” She shook me. “Fruit, are you in there?”
“Yeah… I’m just still kinda shocked that you said no, and then told me that was a lie.”
“Well, it is in my kind’s nature to deceive, Fruit. But… the look on your face when I said no, broke me. I did not expect you to take that to heart. It hurt to see how much that had hurt you, and it had hurt even more when I can feel how much it had hurt you.”
“I had spent so much time planning how I’d propose…”
“I know. You hinted at this since the summer, Fruit,” Chrysalis giggled. “Come, let’s go gather some confections. I wish to try out that spaghetti pizza that Skitter has brought.” I followed by her flank, and she grinned. “Trying to look at my ass, are we?”
“Uh… your stockings make it look even more alluring than usual.”
“That is the point… I wanted tonight to be memorable, after all…” She whispered something into my ears that gave me a wing boner. Chrysalis! Fuck! Now those- oh god, she wants to get in bed with me tonight… to cuddle of course, what do you think she’d want?
(meanwhile)
Staring in the window was Obsessed Manic, holding a knife, and breathing heavily as she watched Chrysalis dance with her Fruit Punch! That damned, ugly bug is going to-
A bird shat on her head and she screamed.
Author's Note
The song Fruit song was ‘Your Love’ by Dathi De Nogla. It’s a lovely little thing.
Also, Chryssy and Fruity, sitting in a tree, k, i, s, s, i, n, g!
So, after proposing to Chryssy at the Gala, everything became a bit of a blur. We mostly danced together, and she held me very, very closely(I have learnt that she purrs. It’s fucking adorable). Compared to Chryssy, I was pretty much pocket sized, and she loved that even though I will end up growing out of the ‘pocket size’ that Chrysalis loves about me. I hope I grow taller, because then I will be at the optimal height to hug and kiss my, now, fiance better. Also Chrysalis has expressed a preference for taller stallions, even if she really liked being able to just pick me up and carry me whenever she’d liked to.
In fact, she almost tried to carry me out of the Gala by getting me drunk. It didn’t work the first time. But the second time she had succeeded... This is how it
“Ugh… I didn’t know that unicorn standing with Auntie Celestia was that ugly bug. I was hoping to ask for a dance, but now…” Chrysalis and I had stopped midway through another dance, and Chrysalis began to droop a little bit. Now, usually, Chrysalis being sad was already unacceptable to me, but she was also extra, extra, extra pretty in her dress today and also now my fiance. So, I’m now a little pissed off. The fucker that dared to call Chrysalis-
“Fruit, do not start a fight over me,” Chrysalis held me closer to her chest. “Let us just enjoy our evening. I am even willing to let Princess Luna borrow you for a dance, if you would like.”
“But… he called you, the most gorgeous bug in this room, ugly. That doesn’t-”
“Don’t… you’ll end up punching Prince Blueblood in the face.”
“Good. I still need to beat that kid across the ass with a belt.”
“He is older than you.”
Chrysalis let go of me, and gave me a sad little smile. “Come on, let’s go grab some refreshments, and then… go request a room to stay in the castle. Not only is it still ridiculously cold out, but… I would like to get some cuddling done, my little king.”
“That’s not even a Prince! It’s a stupid, stupid unicorn that got lucky. He’s not even nobility. It makes sense that a foul creature such as himself would wish to marry such-” Chrysalis’s eye twitched, and I could’ve sworn I saw a knife strapped to her butt under that dress of hers. A green aura tickled at the theoretical knife as Chrysalis tried her damned hardest not to stab Blueblood in the face.
Skitter and Scatter, and every single changeling in the Gala, most of which definitely weren’t invited(but nobody was stopping them from being here. Scatter became a sort of ‘pet’ for the Royal Guard. And the whole guard loved her), stopped their little dance, and slowly stood up to their full height.
Not gonna lie, seeing a bunch of drones in tuxedos and simple, cloth dresses was kinda cute. Well, it was cute to me, because I wasn’t their center of attention. You see, they were all eyeballing Prince Blueblood, and all seemed pissed the fuck off. Skitter reached under his suit and slowly pulled out one of the muskets he helped me build, and so did every single bug in the room. I blinked a couple times and looked up at Chrysalis.
“What? We have learnt your invention is quite ingenious, especially for executions if they need to be performed. And they are built off of you and your… monkeyness, and our engineering.”
“Skitter… you took my idea and gave it to the rest of the Hive?” The Changeling in question nodded.
“I am so proud of you.” Skitter’s face lit up,.. stop being cute you fucking cuddle bug. before it darkened again and locked onto Blueblood, who didn’t know what was happening.
Princess Celestia glided down to the dance floor beside myself and Chrysalis. She blinked a couple of times, before looking at me. “Fruit, what are those sticks that yours and Chrysalis’s drones holding?” Skitter, Scatter, and everyling in the room pointed their muskets at Prince Blueblood.
“Uh… let’s say if I don’t do something, then Prince Blueblood might die. Those sticks go boom, and whatever they’re pointed at stops breathing shortly afterwards,” I stepped forward and slapped Blueblood with a glove I stole from some random noble in the room.. “C’mon you dumb, stupid fuck. You wanted to duel me last time I ran day court, so let’s just do this here and now.” I turned back to everyling in the room. “Stand down buggies, Papa Fruit is just having a mild disagreement here.” Surprisingly, noling protested, and the muskets disappeared. They almost went back to the ‘ling dance’ if the music hadn’t stopped.
“So now you step up to the plate and wish to duel?” Blueblood grinned and raised a hoof to his chest. He was practically grinning like a little kid in excitement; wow a pony that actually wants to cause a problem to my way of life… Well, time to re-establish my public persona of being an asshole.
“Blah, blah, blah. If I, an alicorn loses to a mere stallion, it would be embarrassing? How you’ll extract revenge by kicking my ass. Blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up.” I will force feed you a banana, pal. Don’t try me. Ah fuck, I didn’t say that out loud.
Blueblood stomped with a crack on impact with the floor- jesus that was loud. My ears are bleeding. “You won’t let me have my moment! This is supposed to be my time to shine!”
“So you can make your asshole shine as much as your teeth- wait, that’s your mouth. Man, you gotta control where your feces leaves your mouth, mate, because like, your entire digestive track might be fucked up.” Everypony in the room gasped at my amazing, incredibly mature insult.
Kill me with a vending machine please.
Celestia and Chrysalis had summoned buckets of popcorn and had moved into the crowd.
“You’re the bastard that turned down my request for a loan and destroyed one of my product-” I threw a brick at that guy.
“I don’t give two fat fucks, this is a duel, not a brawl, stupid.” I turned to Blueblood and pulled out a banana. “Well, let’s go. You get first move-” I summoned a shield and blocked a spell from Blueblood. I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head to the side… Wow, a simple striking spell. It was kinda strong, but nothing that a good old shield can’t stop. I lowered my shield and drove a spell that Blueblood had casted into the ground. Blueblood took a slight step back, before regaining that arrogant grin of his. “Fuck that’ll start a fire,” I looked at the burn mark on the carpet.
“Hey, do I… have to pay to replace the carpeting?” I asked. Celestia slowly shook her head with a mouthful of popcorn. Nopony was paying attention to her.
She was liking the show at least.
“Oh come the buck on! How the buck does he know how to do that?” Twilight shouted from the back. What she was complaining about, I dunno… But she’s back to hating me again! Score… What did I do again? I peeled my banana from the stem, like a monster, and took a bite from it. I then dodged out of the way of another spell from Blueblood.
“Princess Twilight, you can at least try to hide your wing erection better. Please stop staring at my fiance,” Chrysalis said with a mouthful of popcorn. Wait, how the fuck am I turning Twilight on- god dammit, Twilight. We’re supposed to hate each other. Fuck it, I ain’t starting a herd; I really don’t feel like dealing with that whole scrambled mess.
Okay, purple alicorn cute- a spell whizzed past my head and hit a column where Discord was hugging and holding a sleepy Fluttershy. Discord seemed completely unbothered; he was the literal embodiment of chaos, I don’t think he cares at all right now…
You know what, I’m not a masochist, but I’m going to go ahead and take a spell to see if I can take it.
(meanwhile)
Nightmare Moon had snuck through the castle, while being a little angry. Luna, her counterpart, had taken all the damned moon pie at the Gala! And the Mare of Nightmares had been hoping to get a moon pie; she liked the taste of moon rocks. They had a nice, crunchy, saltiness to them that simply couldn’t be explained. Sure, it wasn’t gourmet, and the castle’s kitchen staff were good at their jobs, but a pie made with moon rocks sounded delectable.
What? Moon rocks was a guilty pleasure of the Nightmare, pne she would glady indulge in again should she ever return to the moon.
Unfortunately for the Nightmare, she had to part ways with her husband for the evening, so the Element of Honesty could do some catching up with her brother, as they have not seen each other in months. So Nightmare Moon had to go about this hunt on her own! Luckily, the castle had recently installed new, improved, harder to break into vending machines by the one and only Google. Who the neigh was Google? Nopony knows, they just showed up one day, started a company, and started making minor technical advancements for Equestria.
They went by ‘Flim Flam Inc’.
“Now Fruit Punch Proof, and twenty-three more options!” It was advertised. What did that mean? Nopony knows, but to Nightmare, it was a buffet waiting to enter her bottomless pit of a stomach.
So now Nightmare Moon was sitting in front of a vending machine, taking a moment to shake her rear for any guards that happened to be passing by(she wanted a second husband. Big Mac was great in bed, he was great for snuggles, but another male couldn’t hurt, could it? Double the snuggles… Not sex. Big Mac was a little too intimidated by Nightmare to have sex), while she dug around in a purse for her coin purse. Why did mares decide they needed a purse for purses? And why had she subscribed to that ridiculous, terrible idea? The Night Queen let out a snort of frustration and threw her purse at a nearby window.
Only then did she realize that the window she had just shattered depicted Fruit Punch’s battle against Lord Tirek. Well… at least nopony seemed to like Fruit Punch, so perhaps it wasn’t too big of a deal.
Now to try and open this vending machine without nopony noticing… Nightmare had thrown hers(and Luna’s[the two’s shared]’ bits). She snorted and snuck off to steal some random guard’s wallet, which seemed way easier than opening a vending machine.
(back to fruit)
I stuffed a banana in Prince Blood’s mouth(unpeeled. I’m a dick, not a psycho), after side stepping his attempt at stabbing me with his horn. So far, I have gone completely untouched, and not the entire Gala was placing bets on who would win. Most, if not all of the princesses had popcorn, while Twilight constantly shouted(and being turned on by my bizarre magical skills) whenever I did something like using a spell to temporarily boost up how durable my hooves were to block spells.
“Gah! What in Equus is wrong with you?” Blueblood started coughing, because having a banana shoved at terminal speeds into your throat is not a good thing to have happen, funnily enough. He stumbled a bit while my ears flicked to some direction. Thumping, it’s getting louder… louder, and even louder. Nightmare Moon broke through a solid stone wall, shouting. “Give me my Moon Pie, you bucking piece of shit,” while pushing a vending machine along with-
Ow... my everything. My leg’s fine though-
Huh… that seems like… why is everything black?
(Meanwhile)
Chrysalis and Celestia stared at Fruit, who had been crushed by a now broken vending machine. They both watched with nearly complete disinterest as they watched the Elements of Harmony begin to panic, and try to get the machine off of Fruit Punch. Well, Chrysalis had shed a tear. “When did Fruit manage to get those mares to care for him?” Chrysalis asked.
“During Hearth's Warming Eve. Fruit sang a silly little song from the world and I suppose that won the Elements over.” Both Queen and Princess blinked when Nightmare Moon emerged from the broken vending machine while holding a moon pie, and she let out a mighty ‘neigh’ as she triumphantly reared up with the machine’s entire stock of moon pies in her magic. She ripped the wrapper off of one of her sugary treats, took a massive bite out of it and frowned.
“Luna! These do not taste like moon rocks! Why do you enjoy these infernal treats?” Nightmare asked before shoving three of them into her muzzle while humming with each bite.
Luna blinked a couple times and kept sipping on her juice box.
(Meanwhile)
“Fruit Punch was killed, while fleeing Prince blueblood by a vending machine that had been trying to escape Princess Nightmare Moon,” I stared at the text before looking straight ahead. There were two buttons. One was ‘give up, you stupid, weak bitch’ and the other was respawn. I poked a button and blinked a couple times as light began to fill the void.
Well, this was satisfying to my ADHD at least- light had swallowed me.
(meanwhile, everypony is in shock, except for Chrysalis)
“So how long is it until Fruit Punch realizes that he can come back from the dead?” I asked Princess Celestia. I wanted to know, because even if I knew what was going to happen, seeing Fruit’s broken leg poking out from under the vending machine was starting to upset me; that specific leg had almost healed completely too. Even if I know the outcome, seeing my future husband's corpse lying under a vending machine was heartbreaking.
“Chrysalis! Your fiance just got killed, and you don’t care?” Twilight shouted.
Now, Sparkie, I do care, but I know what is going to happen.
A ‘plop’ noise was made, and Fruit Punch blinked, completely unscathed. For a few moments, he looked around, before noticing a wild, bragging Prince Blueblood. Without any hesitation, Fruit threw a brick at Prince Blueblood, who was trying to hit on Princess…. Fruit pointed at the prince’s unconscious body and laughed.
“I came back from the dead to fuck you- oh hey Nightmare!” Fruit waved. Nightmare waved back as she stuffed a whole bag of Frito Nays into her mouth… along with the bag itself.
Bucking alicorns.
Actually, now thinking about it, Celestia’s nephew was trying to hit on Nightmare Moon, but it was oblivious to the fact that both Princess Luna and her former counterpart were arguing about which moon rocks tasted better. Neither Mare of the Moon had even noticed their nephew, but… Wow Celly, Luna gets along better with Nightmare Moon than with you. That or the two just knew each other far, far better than any normal pony should.
I expect to see foals from them very soon.
“Oh Jesus Christ, that is my leg!” Fruit shouted before poking his former body. My attention turned back to my fiance, who was poking his old, dead body’s broken leg with a stick.
“I guess I got killed by a vending machine. Cool. I can’t kill myself with a shotgun, but I can-“ my fiance let out a very stallion-like shriek as I plucked him off the ground, and moved him into my arms. He was slightly taller now. Dangit alicornyness, let me keep my fiance at pocket size! I want to be able to just pick Fruit up with my forelegs and cuddle him!
Twilight just blinked a couple of times as her gaze moved from Fruit Punch and Princess Celestia.
“What? I’ve been stabbed in the heart before, and I did die numerous times… But even despite that, there’s a reason why I don’t step up my own security in Canterlot, or anywhere for that matter. Besides, my beloved student, what do you think fuels the Sun?”
“You… fuel the sun with your… bodies?”
“Of course, and thanks to my body being naturally fireproof, it works as a better fuel source than coal does.”
“Twilight, as a pony who wasn’t a pony a year ago, just don’t question what the fuck is going on in this god forsaken universe. Because honestly, I still don’t know what the fuck just happened. I’m glad I’m still alive, but I think I need more beer.” Twilight nodded as Pinkie Pie had handed her confused friend a bottle of spiked orange juice… What? It was labeled as such.
Let’s say the Princess of Friendship is going to have a hangover tomorrow.
I lifted up a nice, very tall bottle of wine. “We’re… gonna have fun tonight, aren’t we?” Fruit asked. I simply nodded and smirked.
“Well, I’m going to get pre-smashed, so don’t mind me.” Fruit pulled out a can of something that smelled very, very intoxicating, but had a nice berry smell to it. Fruit offered me a sip, and I took- that is very strong alcohol. Very tasty, very strong, and that is enough to make a changeling grow hair on their chitrin. I need to ask Fruit to make a less potent variant, as I would enjoy having that without dying from alcohol poisoning.
Fruit downed the whole can, walked around me, before laying his head on my shoulder. Not before making sure to put several napkins on my shoulder- he was trying not to get my dress dirty and he was incredibly drunk. In fact, where did he get those?
“Bounty, the quicker picker upper!” Fruit belched so loudly that it made every noble pony(including a still knocked out Prince Blueblood) cringe, and rested his head on my shoulder. Times like this made me wish I was an actual alicorn; I could then cover up this charming little stallion with my wings, but unfortunately my actual wings do not have the flexibility of a pegasus's wings.
Fruit Punch snored like a puppy.
Author's Note
https://m .
Welp, got a gag and an idea in. Next chapter, we will JFK Twilight Sparkle during her coronation.
This isn’t Cannon 5(Twilight Dies?)
Ugh… my head. I have a fucking hangover. What happened again? I remember drinking a lot after closing at McDonalds, walking out of McDonalds onto a highway and everything went black after something went ‘thud’ against my body. Well, whatever happened, I don’t know, I don’t care. I woke up and now I’m falling out of the sky. I don’t have hands or feet anymore by the way.
In fact, while I am falling, let me describe to you how badly I am hallucinating because of this hangover. So I have hooves, I have a horse, and I have an unyielding urge to find grass and eat it. Now, I could, I could just go take a shower, but I’m stuck and suspended in the sky while gravity decides to fucking work for once. Sir Issac Newton didn’t prepare me for ‘haha, you got fucking smashed and you’re completely out of it, mate’.
Oh cool, a pretty castle! Wait… what?
I crashed through the ceiling and came completely unharmed because I landed on a bed! I mean, the bed was completely shattered and torn to pieces(and on fire), but it broke my fall! There was a nice, emphasis on was, a dangerously fireplace in front of the bed, and I had slammed into said bed. Some of the pieces of the bed kinda broke the fireplace, and the whole room is on fire.
Anyways, I left that to burn to the ground, because I need some fucking water and a toilet. Especially the toilet. I’m about to throw up, I need to piss, and I feel about ready to take a dump. What’s the worst that can happen? Somebody gets mad and kills me? Like I would rather get murdered because this headache fucking sucks shit, dude.
“That sounded like it came from my bedroom!” Some woman shouted as a bunch of hooves made muffled, but echoey hoof step sounds. I cannot wait to experience what I am about to holy shit, there are eight horses. Three of them had flowing manes, wings, and horns. One had just a horn. Two had wings. Two had neither wings or a horn. One of the non winged, non horned fuckers look like they had coccaine flowing through their veins instead of coccaine.
“Wow! Nugget27 must be really running out of ideas to start these bonus chapters!” Pinkie Pie shouted. Hey, pink bitch, only I am allowed to point that sort of shit out. “Shut up, Fruit Punch, you do not mess with my Pinkie sense!”
Everybody blinked a present blinked at little bickering until a chicken nugget came down. One flash- what was happening? Oh, horses. Right.
The white horse came to a stop at the front of the little… herd? Would that be the right term here? In another life, that word meant ‘harem’, so I’m probably wrong. What other life? I dunno, but I’m about to get hitched to a bug horse, which is pretty weird, but I suppose being able to date a bug horse at all is better than dying sad and alone. The white horse stared down at me, and blinked a couple of times.
“How did this stallion get past the guards?” The white one asked nobody in particular. “In fact, my little pony, what are you doing in my palace, just outside my bedroom?” She continued. “And why is the hallway leading to it, not only on fire, but caved in as you get closer and closer to my bedroom?” She glared down at me. “Tell me, my little pony, did you commit this act of terrorism?”
“Hey now, don’t blame me for what happened there! I didn’t mean to fall out of the sky at terminal speeds into your bedroom! Like all I remember is getting hit by a semi truck going seventy after drinking too much, and my head hurt a lot. The next thing I know, I’m a goddamn pretty pony that any six year old girl would want to have as a pet, and then I slam into a castle, land safely on a bed, and accidentally destroy the entire room by falling?” I scratched the back of my head. “How the shit did I do that without fingers? Or hands?” I stared at my hooves while contemplating if I could pick my nose still.
“What in Tartarus are you even talking about?” The purple one asked.
“I was once a hairless monkey, now I am a horse. I fell out of the sky, and now I’m here being accused of active terrorism,” I said while bashing my head into a wall. Because blunt force trauma is how you overcome a migraine. “So if you’re gonna cut my head off-” I was glowing purple. Why the fuck am I glowing purple? “Oh sick, I can fly?”
“Princess Celestia, do you have any idea as to what this stallion is saying? I think he might be clinically insane.”
“Hey now, my horrible ADHD and clinically stupid ass… completely agrees with you. How the hell I haven’t ended up in any mental institute yet is a mystery to me.”
“Can you shut up?” I nodded, before taking out another can of beer, and downing the whole thing. Where I kept that can, I don’t know, but it made my migraine disappear. So At least I know the solution to a hangover:m alcohol poisoning! The horses all began discussing what to do with me. The pink one suggested a party, while the others suggested reasonable stuff for my act of terrorism on what I accidentally did. The stupid, white, curly maned one suggest keeping me so she could have her way with me- wait what the fuck?
The Purple one then turned to me, and lowered me so I was staring her in the eyes. “Tell me, do you have a name?”
“Yeah, my name…” Fuck, I am so drunk and hungover that I forgot my name. “FruityB, nice to meet ya!” Wow, I am very close to that snoot, and I can boop it. I want to boop it. Booping the snoot will be very fun, very satisfying, and that snoot looks very boopable. So I reached out and to boop the snoot. “Boop!” The purple one went cross eyed while explaining to me the ramifications of what I had just done, but I don’t care. I just booped a purple pony with wings and a horn.
Anyways I made a thump against the wall.
I groaned and rolled onto my stomach, I’m still a horse, but now there’s a ring on my head penis. Why? I dunno. Before me, sat the purple horse I had booped. I wanna-
“So, FruityB, whatever that stands for.”
“Fruity Bitch.” In another life I chose the dumb name ‘Fruit Punch’. Like what kinda dumbass name is that? Fruit punch isn’t even all that good unless there’s alcohol in it.
“My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle, or the Princess of Friendship?” I cocked my head and blinked. “What? Are you not not up to date with modern Equestria?”
“Why the fuck is there a Princess specifically for friendship?” I asked.
“To help friendship problems of course!” I… huh? Don’t those get solved when both individuals are mature and settle their differences civilally? Like what the fresh shit, dude? I… actually humanity could use a friendship princess. We can be very immature when it comes to disagreements. Especially over dumb, small stuff like pineapple on pizza.
People who think pineapple belongs on pizza should stop thinking. Because they’re wrong.
“So judging from half of the things you were saying, Fruit, you aren’t from Equestria. Am I correct?” Twilight asked.
“The fuck is Equestria?”
“That answers that question!” Twilight said cheerily. For the next seven and a half hours, I was being asked dumb shit about Earth, which should be common sense, what I actually am, what I was, and how the hell I fell from the sky and into Princess Celestia’s bedroom. I think I want to murder this horse, because she won’t stop. It’s been seven hours, almost eight, and she still has shit to ask me! Like lady, I want to go home, not talk to your stupid ass.
I grabbed my chair, which was surprisingly easy to do, and whacked the Princess of Friendship over the head with it while she was reading over a checklist with fifty seven hundred things on said checklist. That was only one page, one page, of shit she was going to ask me. Anyways, like a man that was hit on the head with a chair, the purple horse was hit on the head with a chair. And like a man that was hit in the head with a chair, the purple horse was hit in the head with a chair and knocked the fuck out.
Or I would have, but it turns out this horse was very sleep deprived, as her face planted into the table and started snoring… okay, that is adorable, I can’t kill that! I can’t hate that! Twilight snores like a little puppy, and it’s cute! Aight, I’m taking her and gonna stick her in an actual bed and just leave. Perhaps I can go find a random forest to go live in. it would be perfect since I have zero survival or self preservation skills.
I threw the Princess onto my back and trotted out of the room, just casually whistling, happily wandering around the castle- up until I ran into the same group of ‘ponies’ from earlier. What makes them different from horses? I don’t know, you ask me. Apparently ponies can have wings and horns, but horses can’t, I don’t fucking know!
“What the hay are you doing with Twilight?” the cyan one asked.
“Your friend… fell asleep?” I took off running, somehow Twilight Sparkle hasn’t fallen off of my back yet, so that's really cool. Because now I have a hostage. Why do I need a hostage? I don’t know.
Fucker, a dead end.
“Your reign of terror ends here, demon,” the dark blue, horny and winged one said. Ah, the only one to catch up to me. Wha? How incompetent were the members of the group? Do they just rely on the power of friendship or something? “It is a shame too, because it seems you have taken on the form of a lovely looking stallion, and you choose to try and kidnap a Princess after knocking her out.
“You think I wanted to fucking kidnap her? I was just gonna stick her in some guest room, not fucking John F. Kennedy this nerd. Like, I am tempted to, but even I’m above killing somebody over something stupid like them questioning me for eight hours straight, with at least ninety two hours of shit to ask me. I wanted to go the fuck home, and instead I fell from the sky, into your sister’s room, and then I get put in jail for intentional terrorism.
A yawn from behind me made me jump, Twilight just nuzzled deeper into my… neck. Great, good job you fucking Nugget, you were supposed to kill this pony, and instead, you made me want to keep her. Good job. I fucking hate you, you can’t write for shit. You’re a fucking idiot with keyboard and a mental illness.
A small smile formed on my face as I laid my chin on the back of her head. “What the…”
“What?”
“You just treated Princess Twilight as if she were your lover just now,” Luna said.
“Shit. Look, I wasn’t a pony originally, I don’t know if what I’m doing is considered romantic-”
“Well, carrying a sleeping mare on your back is a common trope in most romance novels I have read.”
“Unhoof Twilight-” the Cyan one came to a stop, as I was now laying on the ground, holding Twilight in a supposedly romantic way, thinking of a way to just kill myself and get this over with. Twilight herself had just opened her eyes, but hadn’t moved yet, as she was still trying to wake up. “Twilight, you were supposed to interrogate this guy, not try to sleep with him,” the Cyan one said.
“Wha… Gah!” Twilight jumped when she realized what she was laying on, and I groaned.
I pulled out a can of beer and started drinking it. I need adult sleep juice right now, or I am not going to- Twilight just laid back down on my side.
“Why.”
“This feels… nice.” Twilight said.
I got up and walked over to the nearest window, and started pounding my head into it. Eventually you will break, really strong, conveniently strong window, and I will kill myself. It shattered after a series of hoofsteps filled the hall and I poked my head outside the castle. Yeah, what a view, I can see a small little town here that looks quaint and cool… There's a city made of clouds! Alright, never mind, I wanna go to that city.
“So Twilight has a new coltfriend!” The Cyan One, or Rainbow Dash was currently teasing her friend as she recalled the whole whatever the fuck just happened. I brought my head back in, and the same mares from earlier, and a few guards were standing next to Twilight. All of them were staring at me. A new pink one was grinning ear to ear, while her eyes darted from me to Twilight constantly.
“Fruit, may I ask why we found you carrying Princess Twilight?” Celestia, the tall white one asked.
“She fell asleep mid interrogation and left the cell open. So I was gonna find a bed, leave Twilight there, and go.”
“Were you plotting to do… unspeakable things to her?”
“Yeah, I was tempted to draw cat whiskers on her face, but I don’t think my hooves have the dexterity to do that. So I was just gonna leave her and go.”
“No… forced mating?” Celestia asked.
“Wha? I wasn’t going to rape somebody, Sunbutt.”
You know, the broken window behind me seems tempting.
“You know Princess Celestia, I believe we can take Fruit back to Ponyville, and ‘reform’ him,” Twilight suggested.
“You just want to keep your coltfriend-”
“FruityB is not my coltfriend!” Twilight yelled.
“What… does…” Oh. Oh. Oh fuck. I stuck my head out the window and blinked a couple of times. “Well, I feel sad, lonely, and two feet tall. So… Princess Twilight, it’s been a blast. You snore like a cute little puppy, I carried you around, you drove me mentally insane. I’d say we’re a very compatible couple. Unfortunately, I have done some research, and it appears that the laws of gravity and I have a date!”
“Wait… laws of gravity? The one thing nopony has managed to-” I threw myself out the window.
And thus, why Fruit Punch x Twilight Sparkle wouldn’t work.
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Luna Battled a Vending Machine. Also had a ‘Normal’ Chat with Celestia.
So, we’re just gonna pretend like I didn’t just get Celestia’s ex to commit suicide. He was apparently an asshole, like a really big asshole, so Sombra had it coming. On one hand, he’s dead and will actually stay dead, or he’s not and won’t come back for the next couple thousand years. On the bright side, because this place isn’t guarded at all, nobody heard Sombra screaming for mercy. On the other, he could come back, and get him and Celly hooked up again.
Also, how the fuck was he even still in the empire? At a minimum he should’ve been weakened, which he was, but nobody thought to lock him up? Like bro, this guy enslaved your entire city state, and you’re telling me you wouldn’t just break his neck the moment he’s weak and can’t defend himself? Like he was knocked the fuck out before I entered those chambers. Not a soul decided it would be smart to stick a couple hundred guards at his door.
So, I was walking back into the Crystal Castle by night, since Cadence would have still been too drunk to notice me, and it was kinda peaceful. For instance, most of the guards paid me no attention and none of the stupid politicians were talking, so I couldn’t hear them through their poorly soundproofed doors. It would have been perfect if there wasn’t something banging and slight growls coming down the hallway, so that kinda killed the mood.
I rounded a corner and there Luna was, glaring at a vending machine, and snorting as she tried to tip over the vending machine. Now, I would like to keep watching, but I couldn’t just sit by and watch somebody suffer. There’s a very simple way to work around a vending machine sucking, and I knew the key! Luna inserted another bit into the machine with a smug grin, only to snarl at the machine.
It still hasn’t dispensed the Moon Princess’s desired snack of choice.
At this rate, Nightmare Moon will be back, and dead set on blowing up this specific vending machine. It’ll be blown up to smithereens, up and down the streets of the Crystal Empire by the time Nightmare Moon’s done with the machine. “Hey Luna, are you having fun?” One of the guards seemingly shrunk back as the lunar princess turned and glared at me.
“No! This infernal machine won’t release the Frito Nays!” Luna whisper-shouted. You know, like in movies where people whisper, but do it really loudly before they get their asses cut in half by a serial killer? No? Well, just imagine the Canterlot Royal Voice on a very small font size, and then you’ll get the idea of how Luna sounded. “Well? Are you just going to sit there, or are you going to help me?” Luna pouted.
Chrysalis then showed up, inserted a bit into the machine, ordered what looked like some more Frito Nays, which promptly fell to the bottom of the machine, which the Queen collected, and teleported away. Luna’s eye twitched a couple of times at the sight. Me, being the genius I am, sat in front of the machine and tapped my hoof on my chin. Why the fuck is there a Google logo on this thing?
Well, leave it to a tech giant to discover dimensional travel and use it exclusively for self benefit.
“Yo Lulu, what’s the address of the castle? Like the number?”
“It’s 6710, why do you ask? How is that going to-'' I then proceeded to enter the digits into the keypad and the door slid open. I then grabbed the two bags of Frito Nays, which looked suspiciously like Fritos, handed them over to Luna, and then grabbed a random chocolate bar from the machine, and then closed it. “H-how did you? What in Tartarus are your hooves made of?” Luna gasped as she did the same thing and grabbed an extra bag of chips.
“I dunno, I’m surprised that that worked!” A guard, the same one from earlier blinked.
“Sir,” the guard tapped me on the shoulder. “I, on behalf of the Crystal Guard, must thank you, as this vending machine had stolen many bits from us, and you have vanquished it with ease!”
(Back on Earth, a Google employee punched at the air while screaming ‘Fruit Punch!’)
“My guy, don’t sweat it, just don’t arrest me for breaking into a vending machine!”
“Sir, you’re getting an award-“ okay I’m just gonna get the fuck out of here. Oh cool, Chrysalis just dropped in from the ceiling, and dragged me to her room for the night. On the bright side, no praise for doing the dumbest vending machine trick in the world, and Chryssy time? This is gonna be a fun night. “So Chrysalis, how is Cadence doing?”
“Well, she drank some tea, and is currently bouncing off the walls and ceiling of her room. Somebody,” she eyed me. “Must have accidentally spiked up the levels of caffeine in the average cup of tea by a hundred times the usual amount,” she giggled. “So why did you tamper with Cadence’s tea?”
“I was trying to make it alcoholic, since I saw how mad Cadence was after I had beaten the hell out of Shining, and I don’t feel like dealing with an angry alicorn.”
“Well, I told her that you messed with her tea, and she wants to kiss you. In her words ‘this is the best tea I've had in my life’. So your attempt at drugging the Princess of Food has at least succeeded in a way you wouldn’t have expected,” Chrysalis rested her chin on my head. “You know, I saw a nice restaurant somewhere while I was exploring the Crystal Empire for the first time in ages! Since the political meetings have been postponed for three days after today, I was wondering if we can head out.”
“Ah Chryssy, you’re asking me out?” Well, so much for the plan with Luna. Oh well, I know I'll like Chryssy since we’re already good friends.
“Of course, it is customary for the female pony to ask their desired male ponies out on a date. Am I doing something wrong?” Chryssy tilted her head and god dammit, it never gets old!
“Well, with humans, it’s the other way around. So say you’re a cute girl, which you are,” that got Chryssy to blush! Score! “And somebody, me, wants to ask you out on a date, then they ask you. If you want to date me you’re ‘supposed to wait for the guy to ask you. It’s a load of shit sometimes, since some guys are just very introverted and don’t know if they should ask their crush out on a date.
“Oh well, I’m down.”
“And you didn’t try to jump out a window when you found out that a pretty lady asked you out. That's an improvement!”
“So, if this works out, can I be the one that asks you out next time? I wanna know what it’s like to stress over ‘yo, wanna get food together’ since I never got to.”
“Of course, unless I… beat you to the punch!”
“Dammit woman, you know my weakness! Terrible puns!” With that, I started rubbing my mane against the queen’s neck, who was doing her best to squirm away from me, and only failed. You see, Chrysalis kinda trapped me in all four of her long legs, so she scooted back with two, and held onto me with the other two. It was like a really strong, comfy bear trap, which I usually don’t mind being in. And tonight, Chryssy, you will suffer for such comfort!
So the next day, things were going without a hitch. I bought Chrysalis some roses for when we go out on that date later, and I was asked if I saw somebody break into a vending machine and steal four bags of Frito Nays. Obviously I told them that I don’t know what they’re talking about, like the respectable, law abiding citizen I am, and then broke into the same vending machine(with the same method from last night) for a bag of chips when the ponies that questioned me left.
What? It’s ten bits for a single, small bag of chips! That’s a literal scam since you could probably buy the ingredients and make a whole twelve bags for the same money. Anyhow, I decided now would be another good opportunity to explore the Crystal Empire, since all I have to do today is wait for that little date. Okay so, what’s a cool thing to do- why is there just a cult building? Like it’s for Princess Cadence, just sitting out with a big sign on it and nobody cares. Whatever, I’ll just walk in another direction and hope I never see this building ever again.
Eventually I was teleported randomly into a room. I didn’t completely mind since I just started sitting on my ass, contemplating important things, like if ponies were just midget horses. And very important things such as what truly makes a sandwich a sandwich? At some point I started wondering if soap is a byproduct of natural occurrences, or a gift from god. I need to make magical ADHD medicine.
Oh right, teleportation. I was now in a room where Princess Celestia was sitting, and it looked like I was teleported into her guest room. Sunbutt was sitting at a desk, facing me, with a critical eye. “So Fruit, I see that you have been busy recently,” oh god, did she know that I made Sombra evict himself from life? Probably not, it’s not like magical orbs existed that let you spy on people, or that Celestia had access to said orbs. Maybe she saw me break into a vending machine earlier and wanted to know the secret touch.
“Whatever it is that you think I did, I didn’t do it. Your ex killed himself, I didn’t lay a hoof on him.”
“Oh, I know you didn’t kill Sombra, he was defeated by Twilight and her friends nearly a month ago,” she chuckled. “I believe that you might be going insane. I have simply called you here for a favor,” Celestia then magicked up a notebook. “This is mostly out of my personal curiosity, since after Chrysalis might or might not have looted your body while you were unconscious, I have discovered something quite peculiar.”
Wait what?
With that the notebook opened up to a list of magical equations I recognized. Mostly because I wrote one of them and have studied a couple of them while having an episode of ‘I can’t sleep and I am bored’. The alcohol potency spell and a spell I used to increase the capacity of my butt pocket stood out. “I have noticed that you seem very unwilling to show off your magical prowess, since you’ve never use magic around anypony, and I would like to get measurements on where you stand.
“Because being able to simplify a complex spell such as flavor potency and then modifying it for your own purposes is quite the feat for a stallion who seems to be completely incompetent at magic.” Rude.
“So you want me to take a magic level test?” I asked.
“Indeed, this is only to satiate my own curiosity, so if you decline, I won’t mind.”
“How long does it take? I got a date later and I would like to show up for that.”
“All you have to do is,” Celestia conjured up some weird little device. “Zap this a few times on the tip,” I did as instructed and a little meter went up at every magical ‘zap’ I gave it. “Okay, that is enough,” the machine made a couple of noises, it was really old and worn out, and then a cloud of smoke erupted from it. Shortly after, a piece of paper printed out at the bottom, and Celestia began to examine what was written on it.
“You have a seven point five on the magical power scale test,” Celestia clapped her hooves. “That means you’re well above average in magical capabilites. I know several unicorns who would outright overpower you, my student comes to mind. For reference, this scale is for unicorns, a perfect ten would mean that you can rival alicorns. Twilight comes to a very strong nine point eight, whereas the average would be around five to six. Where you can probably lift a few heavy objects at once, but you must focus on doing so.
“In other words, you can probably hold several objects and manipulate them with relative ease; this is without having to focus very hard. In terms of magical comprehension, I can automatically give you a score of six and a half due to just these two spells alone,” Celestia gestured towards the ‘more space spell’ and the alcohol spell I came up with. “So I must ask you a question: Why do you not use your magic more often?”
“I dunno, never really thought about it. On one hand, it’s really useful, but I would rather not want to use it that often. I’m an idiot that likes to crack bad jokes, not some powerful war mage. I prefer not having anybody expect shit out of me, since that would put pressure on me. I had enough of that shit when I was growing up. Or this could all just be a terrible way of saying that I forget to use magic whenever it would be useful.”
The machine farted and shitted out another piece of paper. Wow, that thing is… that’s another fucking Google logo. Well, no wonder it’s on the verge of breaking, it was manufactured over half a century ago. Celestia’s eyes widened and she slowly looked up at me. “Why does it say that you’ve been exposed to dark magic recently?”
Well, cat’s out of the bag now. “So you know how Twilight kicked Sombra’s ass,” Celestia nodded. “Well, he was still kicking and was just napping in his old chambers, and I found this out when I went out to explore this shit. Anyways, he tried to suck me dry of any dark magic I had, failed since I don’t have any to begin with, and then I showed him this blank piece of paper that I enchanted.”
“What did you do to that piece of paper?”
“Cursed it so it always shows people their worst fears. Anyways, Sombra is scared of you wearing a pink dress for some reason. Scared of it to the point that he went and-“
“Oh, so that is why Sombra came to me, begging for protection,” Celestia rubbed her chin as she magicked away a blanket from her bed, and revealed Sombra, who was cowering under the bed. What the fuck? He was a fucking skeleton not even twelve hours ago! “He asked me to keep ‘that foul creature’ away from him and I don’t know why he came running back to me for protection…” Celestia shook her head. “This is why I don’t date anypony, every single one I date ends up being evil.”
“Chrysalis isn’t evil.”
“That’s because she likes you, and is behaving herself so you don’t get in trouble.”
“What in Tartarus Celly? I know I have done horrible things in the past, but then you summon this foul creature to torture me once more?” Sombra began to start crying. Celestia looked ready to give the poor guy a wing hug.
“So, what did you do to my ex to make him so scared of you? Beyond the whole ‘cursed picture’ thing.”
“I saw what was in his mind! Take a look!” I got hit by a yellow, magical beam and Celestia tilted her head. “Well? Do you see what I mean now?”
“Well Fruit, I didn’t know your mind was so dark,” wat?
“What? I was just thinking of what else me and Chryssy were gonna do this evening after dinner.”
“I know, but there’s random bits of ‘what if I eat this?’ or ‘I should scratch my butt’ Celestia giggled. “Nothing too morbid, but it’s quite confusing. I know you have a mental illness of some sort, and it might have broken Sombra.”
I pulled out the cursed piece of paper and showed Sombra again. “Why is he scared of you wearing a dress with a pink mane and tail, if I may ask?”
“Aw, is Sombra still scared of the first of our first date?” Sombra quickly nodded. “Well, I will keep Fruit Punch away from you on two conditions,” Sombra looked up at Celestia with the biggest puppy eyes I’ve ever seen. Scatter could probably outdo him on the puppy eye department, but it was still kinda surprising to see from a magically corrupted pony.
“The first thing would be that you renounce your wicked ways; stop using dark magic,” Celestia’s small ‘I’m a pretty princess’ smile slowly turned into a hopeful smile. “And perhaps we can be a couple again? I do miss how we used to snuggle up on cold days, or how your face would redden when I teased you. Or how you would seize up after I catch you staring at my rear end,” Celestia chuckled when Sombra nodded, and his eyes slowly started turning into a more natural color than blood red. “Well? Do we have a deal?”
“Yes dear,” Sombra said with an… ounce of happiness in his voice. Celestia lowered on all fours and the two of them booped noses. You know what? This was nice, cute and it was kinda nice to see Sombra not be an evil maniac. It was nice and all, but how the fuck is this guy alive? He fucking died, I got him to kill himself, and he’s just here, cowering under Celly’s bed. Now the two were cuddling, and Sombra actually had a happy little smile on his face while Celestia groomed him-
Wait why the fuck am I watching this? Without hesitation, I turned around and quickly walked out of the room. I’m also going to ignore how Celestia just casually forgave Pony Hitler and decided to start cuddling with said Pony Hitler.
Well, it’s almost time to meet Chrysalis at that restaurant she wanted to go to, so I suppose I should actually show up. I get to test out if this will work now, oh sick, it does!
I can teleport!
I was now sitting outside of Chrysalis’s room(we didn’t officially share a room since we were staying in the Crystal Castle). I whipped out a mirror with my magic and made sure I didn’t look completely terrible, which I didn’t; I looked presentable! And pulled out the roses I got for Chryssy. I then knocked on the door and the Queen stepped out while wearing a simple dress.
“Fruit, I said I was going to pick you up, not the other way around!”
Fuck.
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There is a Cult. Bro, it’s not even a month after New Years and There’s a Fucking Cult in the Middle of Nowhere
“Are you comfortable, Fruit?” Chrysalis asked me while I was in her embrace. You see, after I had proposed to my Chryssy at the Great Galloping Gala, she decided to have me move into the Hive, which I happily agreed to on one condition: I get to keep Skitter and Scatter. That was of zero issue for Chryssy, so we just went along with it. I took all my things, food, appliances, whatever into the Hive and now share Chrysalis’s private chambers with her. And now I get to enjoy Chryssy snuggles from the inside of a black, hardened resin wall.
So here’s what happened when I first moved in.
“It’s King Fruit Punch!” a drone said, happily trotting up to me. In fact, a whole horde of changelings came trotting and skipping up to me at the announcement of my presence. I was a bit confused given that I barely even registered as a Prince, and now I’m some sort of king?
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said I was your king now?”
“Well sir, you proposed to the Queen, who happens to be our mother.” Skatter said while slurping up some spaghetti from a can. Skitter was close behind with seven other drones who demanded that I let them carry my stuff. Even if it was just some grocery bags, my guitar, and the small, transportable piano that I ‘borrowed’ from the castle a few days ago. It didn’t matter to the drones, what they could take out of my house, they took with pretty much everything, the door, the stove, everything.
Since it was demanded in a fairly threatening manner, I allowed the cuddle bugs to carry my things. The threats were hollow and mostly involved dogpiling on me and cuddling with me, but they were still threats.
“You’re basically king at this point. You’re going to be sharing not just a room, but a bed, with Queen Chrysalis. So in our eyes, you’re king.”
“Please don’t call me king at least. Being a Prince is bad enough, and being considered a king of an entire subspecies of changelings, hurts my brain.”
“Guess why I have been calling you sir,” Scatter said with a smirk.
“You need a raise-“
“But I don’t need money.” Dammit Scatter, let me pay you money already!
Anyways, every single Changeling demanded at least a pat, or a hug, or both as me and my little caravan came crawling through. A couple foals(what the fuck are they called again?) demanded to ride on my back, which I allowed purely because they were so damn cute that I couldn’t say no to them. Like I have a hard time telling Skitter no, and she’s at least ten times the size of these children while having smaller, big, blue, adorable eyes to use as weapons against my psyche.
The Hive was pretty dark, which was a nice little contrast to the capital city it was hidden under. Pillars of resin raised to the ceiling for either support or for decoration, you can never really tell in Equestria because magic reigns supreme and harmony is important blah, blah, blah. What’s really neat about the Hive, is that, instead of grass, the changelings seem to be using some kind of moss as an alternative. There was a little park with benches that were probably stolen and some playground equipment(there was even a swing set!), and there were some fancy street lights.
Overall, the place had a nice, little cozy feeling to it, even though it was a bit reminiscent of going into some sort of alien nest.
Anyways, I was led up to Chrysalis’s chambers, where I was promptly met with Chrysalis, who was wearing socks, which went up to her thighs and upper forelegs, and laying in her bed. I doubt that was intentional given that Chryssy was sleeping, and snoring like a puppy, and didn’t even notice I was in the room until I crawled up onto the bed. And it was instant, Chrysalis’s eyes shot open, snatched me up in her legs, and pulled me close. Now my back was touching her chest, and I was in teddy bear mode.
“Are you comfortable, Fruit?” Chrysalis slurred as she nuzzled her muzzle into my mane.
“Is that even a question? I got a case of Chryssy snuggles!” Chrysalis giggled before she went back to sleep.
Well, we both would’ve had a nice, lovely nap until Chrysalis shot up and burped up a scroll. I jerked up when my marefriend started coughing upon the violent awakening. “Jesus christ, are you alright Chryssy?” I rubbed Chryssy’s back as she recovered from burping up the scroll.
“I am fine, Fruit. It’s just been a little while since I have had to belch up your mail.” Chrysalis insists. She still leaned into my embrace even if it probably looked a little goofy given our size difference. Lastly, Chrysalis magicked over the scroll. “Go ahead and read it, I can tell it's from Celestia without even having to look at it.”
I opened up the scroll and…
“Dear Fruit Punch,
“A town northwest of Manehattan has recently sprang up and has caught the attention of Twilight Sparkle, her friends, and myself. This town is rather particular as it has only been seen by eyewitnesses of whoever may be flying overhead; it’s not an official village in any capacity. As such, I am sending the Elements of Harmony to this town. And I know what you might be thinking, my friend, you are going along to help investigate this town whether you wish to or not. A train will be arriving in two hours from when you reach this part of my message, so make haste in getting prepared.”
My eye twitched a couple of times. I slowly turned to Chrysalis and sighed. “Just when I was cozily in your arms, I have to go solve a fucking friendship problem with the elements!” I groaned. “And we were going to use the next week to plan out our wedding date… and now I’m going to be using the next week planning on how to beat the fuck out of whoever the fuck started an illegal village… Aight fuck it, I’m going to go, kick the shit out of whoever the fuck made said village, and come back… in two weeks.”
“Worry not Fruit, I can come along with you so…”
I looked at a little message at the bottom of the letter. “I gotta leave you here for some stupid shit reason!” Chrysalis snorted before springing up.
“I am going with you whether Celestia wants me to or not,” Chryssy then transformed into her usual unicorn disguise before skipping on over to the bed. I was then thrown onto her back and carried out of the Hive.
(Meanwhile)
“Are you certain that sending Fruit on a mission that keeps him away from his marefriend is a good way of separating them?” Celestia asked and Luna rubbed her hooves.
“Indeed. That damned slut stole my-“
“Now those are words unbecoming of a Princess, Luna. Now, Chrysalis is… a bit all over the place when it comes to dating alicorns, but I can tell you that she is not a slut. In fact, why do you wish to date Mr. Fruit anyways? Why not look at what Nightmare Moon did, and find a nice farm stallion to settle down with?”
(Nightmare Moon and Big Mac were in the middle of an apple bucking session in Sweet Apple Acres. The big stallion couldn’t help but admire his wife’s thighs as the muscles underneath Nightmare’s charcoal fur coiled and jerked with every kick. Meanwhile Nightmare Moon was happy to please her husband in such a simple way)
“And Fruit… while attractive is a bit… psychotic most of the time, don’t you think?” Celestia asked.
“Of course, sister, but we know he has a softer side.”
Celestia facehoofed. “Faust have mercy on the poor pony running that town… Fruit is going to beat them over the head with a brick.”
(Meanwhile)
Before I knew it, we were at the train station, where a set of very familiar ponies were waiting. Why the fuck were the Elements of Harmony in Canterlot? I don’t know. They probably called them all here just so Celestia could describe their mission to them in person.
“Hey Fruit!” Twilight waved.
“Can it, Sparkles. This thing interrupted some vital Chrysalis Snuggles and I’m grumpy. Let’s just get this shit over with, and pretend like this never happened, mkay?” Everypony looked up at Chrysalis, who simply shrugged.
“Fruit Punch takes our cuddle sessions very seriously.”
“Well… considering who he is cuddling with…” Rarity said.
“Oi, that’s my girlfriend, Rarity. Get your own.”
“We can share!”
“Only if I consent, Ms. Rarity. Unfortunately, we changelings, especially the queens, prefer one source of love.” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “Though do not attempt why I think you’re thinking, Rarity. If you somehow bring harm to Fruit, then I will ‘kick your ass’ as Fruit says it.”
Rarity nodded, while blushing- what the hell is wrong with you, Rarity?
Anyways, I am now sitting in the train, being held by Chryssy of course, waiting for us to get to the damn drop off point. “Does this help to satiate your anger, you little gremlin?” Chrysalis asked in a very seductive voice as she started to rub my jaw. Oh my god, that feels amazing, who knew that being petted while having fur felt so damn good? I leaned deeper into the sensation and began to actually purr…
“Oh my god, I did not know Fruit purred!” Twilight squealed. “That is oddly adorable… but I must ask, why is it that Fruit tries to act like such an asshole, but then you turn him into a cuddlebug?”
“It’s quite simple really,” a voice in the ceiling said. “Fruit is a little bitch for Chrysalis's affection.”
“Shut up god… Chryssy is scratching my jaw…” I passed out.
When I came back, I was now wide awake, and Chrysalis was running her fangs through my mane, like she had been grooming me for the last however long. “Fruit, we are almost at our destination,” Chryssy said before going back to her grooming of me.
“Now I do not know why you guys would want to be dropped off in the middle of nowhere…” somebody said, probably the conductor. “But I suppose I cannot argue with the customer, who is always right, so here we are!” And just like that, we had to get off the train. Skitter and Scatter popped out of the luggage box and followed us out too. However the fuck those two were comfy while under at least a hundred pounds of luggage is beyond me, but a changeling is gonna changeling and changeling all over the place, even in a luggage box.
“The town is up ahead,” Skitter informed us, everybody who didn’t know how changelings changelinged, they turned to the drone in shock. “What? Scatter and I decided to send a few scouts ahead before we got off of the train. What do you think all those suitcases were for? Hiding more changelings!” Skitter started skipping along. “Come on already, King Fruit has a pony’s shit he wants to ‘kick in’.” Skitter then began prancing ahead while everyone except me and Chryssy just blinked and went along with it.
“I think I want a pet changeling now,” Pinkie ran ahead, matching Skitter’s sudden enthusiasm beat for beat.
The town came into view, and boy was it something. It was pretty generous to call this town… well, a town. There were about fifteen houses, all of which were basically the same, in a row. One street where each house was neatly set up in an equal sign, excluding the fifteenth one, because I guess that’s the leader’s house. Chrysalis eyed it as critically as I was, but for a different reason. What that reason was, I dunno.
This town looked like it would be home to a cult or some shit.
“Say, look at that! Everypony has the same cutie mark…” Twilight said while cocking her head. “I know that isn’t normal to any capacity, but look at how happy everypony is despite that.”
“Yup, this town’s a cult. Let’s go find the leader and shoot them in the back of the head.” I pulled out a revolver, something one of my changelings had managed to build using my design for a musket as a base, and loaded it.
“No! We’re here to see what is up with this town, not kill the leader, Fruit!” Twilight slapped me over the head, only to elicit a snarl from Chrysalis.
“Touch Fruit again in such a manner, and I will gut you, Twilight. And I will make your loved ones watch as you scream in agony for a mercy that will never come. Do we have an understanding, oh Princess of Friendship?” Chrysalis’s voice turned cold as the purple alicorn quickly nodded before patting the back of my head attentively. “Good, now let us converse with the locals, and perhaps we shall find something either out of the ordinary or if this is just how these ponies are.”
Chrysalis then floated up into the air, I was about to follow Chrysalis down into town using my own wings, and the other ponies walked down after us. Chrysalis came to an elegant landing while I slammed head first into the street below right beside her. Ow… god I need to learn how to stick landings better.
“Fruit, are you okay?”
“Oh yeah…” I sat up and rubbed my head as I felt a headache forming. Shortly after, the rest of everybody showed up afterwards.
“Welcome!” A white earth pony and a teal unicorn came trotting up to us. “Oh my, two alicorns?”
“Shut up, my head hurts like I just drank four gallons of bud light, and I don’t think I wanna hear your over exaggerated enthusiasm.”
“My name is Double Diamond and this is Party Favor.”
Apple Jack began to list off all of our names, only to be stumped to find that Skitter and Scatter were now missing, even though I could perfectly see them vibing on top of the rooftops, staring down at us. Then she got stumped again while wondering what to call me the Prince of.
“Hi, I’m Prince of Whatever, Call me Fruit Punch.”
Twilight asked about any ‘trouble’ going on in the village, and we were immediately offered the chance to go speak with the founder of the town.
We were led to the house at the end of the street, and the door opened. “Starlight, we have some new visitors!” Double Diamond announced, walking into the ‘founder’s house’.
Rainbow was in the middle of warning Apple Jack about the possibility of a monster being in the basement, before some light purple unicorn mare came walking out. “
“Welcome!” She said in a fake manner. I’m assuming that’s Starlight.
“Aight, what the fuck’s going on?” I asked.
Double Diamond began to introduce us, and Starlight started being impressed at how Twilight and I were alicorns. Meanwhile, I pulled out a bottle of booze while contemplating how much I need to drink to make this headache go away.
“Oh my god, why the fuck is the entire town singing?” I said, wondering why the fuck I was on Chrysalis’s back, with half a bottle of booze left. In all seriousness, the song wasn’t even all that bad, but my headache was now even worse because of the alcohol in my system instead of better. So I couldn’t really join in on the dancing, even if it was fake as all fuck.
“I am not sure, Fruit. In all seriousness, I would like to join in, but something is off, and I can feel it. In fact, Skitter and Scatter ran off before we entered town because of how weird this town feels. Like the emotions of everypony here is… entirely off, like they’re happiness is false, but not false all at the same time.”
The song had reached its conclusion and Starlight started to walk away after telling her citizens to take care of us.
“Yo, Starlight, why the fuck are you manipulating an entire village into thinking individuality is a bad thing?” I ran after the unicorn.
“W-what?”
“Bitch, I went to school for psychology. I can tell when somebody’s two timing everybody. So what’s wrong with everybody being different anyways?”
“Well… our cutie marks can lead to disagreements–”
“Some friend you had ‘abandoned’ you after they got their cutie mark before you, didn’t they?”
Starlight’s mouth fell wide open and she just stared. “How…”
“I dunno. Everybody that happens to be ‘evil’ has some reason to be evil while having it be super predictable. Like Tirek just wanted power, Nightmare Moon was jealous or some shit, you apparently have some childhood trauma you need to talk through. Really, it’s not that hard to pick up on this stuff when you pay attention.”
‘Why you-”
I slipped a ring on Starlight’s horn before smugly grinning. “Man, am I glad that I stole at least seventeen of those from Canterlot last week. Anyways, show me where the cutie marks are, and let’s end this whole fiasco… because I was originally coming here to come and murder you for interrupting my nap time with your stupid as fuck cult. So, what will it be? Come quietly, or come in a body bag?”
“Y-you, a Prince wouldn’t dare bring the death penalty-”
“I’m the Prince of War. I’m more than comfortable with killing you,” I bluffed. “Because it’s not the death penalty if there isn’t an audience, Ms. Starlight. So what will it be?” Again, even I have standards, and boy am I glad that Starlight was beginning to fall for my bluff. I really don’t wanna have to actually murder somebody.
“I…. I guess I’ll come quietly. And I’ll show you where the cutie marks are.” Starlight sighed.
“Good, looks like I won’t have to clobber you over the head with a brick!”
Author's Note
Well, Starlight doesn’t get her shit kicked in, or murdered, but she will receive a brick to the back of the head on the train ride back home!
She won’t die though, Starlight and Trixie are adorable together and I don’t wanna have that be cancelled.
