The Dazzling's No Good Very Bad Christmas

by Incandesca

Rating: teen
Tags: Dazzlings, Equestria Girls, Aria Blaze, Comedy, Adagio Dazzle, Profanity, Slice of Life, Sonata Dusk
Length: 4775

Christmas time has rolled around to the Dazzling household. Chaos, to no one's particular surprise, ensues.

For most people, the holidays are a time for good cheer and well tidings, family and friends, a warm place by the fire and a cup of hot cocoa.

The Dazzlings, unfortunately, are not most people. Christmas time has rolled around to the sirens' household, and like every other year proceeding it, chaos will ensue.

Let's just hope they don't burn the house down like last year.

If you enjoy this story, consider a commission!

Published 2022-12-24 21:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-12-24 21:00:00 UTC

Deck the Halls with Siren's Folly

Waiting in line to see the local mall Santa Sonata Dusk bounced on her heels, standing in stark contrast to the otherwise apathetic children around her. Bewildered parents meanwhile stood to the side, wondering just when it was that they'd begun allowing adults in, or if that had always been the case.

"Aren't you a little old for this?" one kid asked, snapping Sonata from her reverie. She stopped humming along to the Christmas music playing and looked at her with a stunned expression, as if the notion had never before crossed her mind.

Instinctively, as far away to avoid notice as possible, Aria and Adagio stepped back from the blast radius.

"Too old?" repeated Sonata, and answered cheerily, "No one is too old for Santa!"

The girl, rosy-cheeked and blonde-haired, rolled her eyes. "You do know Santa isn't even real right? What are you, like, eighty?"

Sonata gasped. "Am not! I'll have you know I'm over a thousand years old, or my name isn't Sonata Dusk! And you take that back - Santa is like, so totally real!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

A single father tentatively approached the other two sisters with his son in tow, leaning over to whisper. "That one yours?" he asked, gesturing to Sonata.

Aria said nothing. Adagio managed a sigh and defeated, "Yup."

"I am so sorry."

"Me too."

"Yeah-huh!" Sonata affirmed once again. Finally she broke the cycle and leaned back, folding her arms and tilting her chin up high. "If you don't believe in Santa why are you even here?"

"Duh. You get a free cookie at the end. Speaking of which,"

The line moved forward, and with it the girl. Before she went to Santa she turned around to Sonata, crossed her eyes, and blew a raspberry.

The ex-siren silently clenched her teeth. She thought broodingly, that little brat had no clue how lucky she was she didn't have her powers anymore. But no, she was quick to reprimand herself, thinking things like that would put her on the Naughty list, and then she wouldn't get all the presents she wanted. Apparently, this line of thinking only occurred to her on December, and not the other eleven months of the year.

"HohoWho's next?"

The booming voice of the Santa carried to Sonata's ears, warming her up like a cozy cabin fire. She practically bounded towards where he sat, leaping into his lap with a force that made him wheeze. From there she grinned ear to ear, knees to chest, raspberry jewels sparkling brighter than ornaments.

"Ohoho, somebody is excited to see me!" he exclaimed, only mildly perturbed by the presence of a grown, if young woman in his lap. "What would you like for Christmas this year, little, hm, girl?"

"Ohmigosh Santa you have, like, no idea!"

Sonata breathed in deep, deeper, yet deeper...

...and then proceeded to breathlessly ramble off a Christmas wishlist that could put a billionaire's spoiled spawn to shame. About fifteen minutes in, he had to stop her and insist she pick only the thing she truly wanted the most, above all others. From the back, Aria and Adagio leaned in.

"Oh that's easy!" Sonata chirped. "The violent death and suffering of all my enemies!"

The mall Santa balked, cleared his throat uncomfortably, but before he could say anything Sonata continued

"But, uhm, ,besides that? There's this one thing I've been wanting sooooo bad called the Special Sparkle Liquor Lipstick, the Pretty in Pink edition by FemmeLux! It comes in like, three different shades of pink in the whole set, and one tastes like bubblegum and the other one tastes like pink lemonade and the other one tastes like raspberry margarita, and the margarita one is also all like super sparkly and glittery and it's soooo pretty and I know my followers on Insta and OnlyFans are just gonna love it!"

Santa, futily, tried to understand what all this talk of 'followers' and 'OnlyFans' could possibly mean. Naturally, being an average working man in his mid-sixties, he failed, and did not try again. But, as his job required, he laughed boisterously and smiled big and friendly.

"well young lady, I'll see what I can do!" he said, winking.

Out of instinct ingrained from years working this side job, he raised his hand to ruffle her hair. Before it could get much farther from the armrest it twitched as the gears of his mind ground, and he realized how that might come across. 'Canterlot Central Mall Santa Embroiled in Sexual Assault Allegations' was not a headline he wanted to risk, so he gently nudged her to shoo and waved her goodbye cheerily and with a "Merry Christmas!"

Promptly, Sonata hopped off and returned his jovial wave none the wiser. Skipping over to the nearby table set with a spread of frosted gingerbread cookies, she deliberated over which one to pick, pointing at each with her finger and rubbing her chin with her other hand. Her face lit when she saw one in the shape of a lamb, to which she snatched up and bit into greedily. As the creamy, sugary frosting melted onto her tongue, she closed her eyes and hummed, choosing to imagine she'd sunk her teeth into a hunk of meat after a long hunt.

"Thang yoo Shana!" she said through a mouthful, and giddily skipped off to her disgruntled sisters. Aria let a long, slow sigh escape her and buried her face in her palm as Sonata approached, and Adagio shook her head.

"Let's go," she said curtly, tugged on Sonata's sweater sleeve. Now that they'd gotten the Christmas gift confession of the year out of the bubbly bluenette, they had more shopping they needed to do.

Later, the trio arrived home with a few bags and massive box in tow, the latter of which Aria took upon her shoulders. Contained inside was a six-foot tall light-up unicorn Sonata had begged them to buy. That, in addition to the hot pink Christmas lights she'd whined and pleaded for was going to make their house the girliest, most gag-worthy parody of Christmas this side of Barbietown, or so Aria would put it if you caught her alone. Both her and Adagio however begrudginly complied - partially because they did love their youngest kin dearly and liked to see her happy, but mostly because her whining hit what must have been the most scientifically obnoxious sound frequency possible.

"Can I help you put the lights up this year?" asked Sonata as they trudged through the snow to their front door. The crunching from Aria in front of her halted, Adagio's continuing unbothered.

"No," came Aria's blunt, unstipulated answer. Sonata faltered and stuck out her lower lip.

"Aw c'mooooon, I promise I won't drop my phone this time!"

"No," Aria repeated, more emphatically. "And that wasn't even your main fuck-up, twerp."

"But-"

This time, Adagio brought the hammer down, calling over shoulder.

"Your sister said no, Sonata, and I'm saying no too. If you can go a month without combusting the toaster maybe we can have a talk about next year."

"Oh my gawwwwd, a month is like, so long though!"

"End. Of. Discussion."

"Huff, fiiiiine," Sonata sighed, but kept her mouth shut after that.

From there, the task of bringing whatever needed bringing into the house, leaving out whatever needed leaving out, went smoothly. Once done Aria and Adagio took charge, ushering Sonata to do what she pleased as they worked outside. Unfortunately for them, the thing Sonata was interested in that moment was observing them.

"look," Aria said, brows furrowed, thumb and forefinger massaging nose bridge. "You can watch us, but on one condition."

Sonata perked, rising on her toes.

"Don't touch anything. Whatever we're working on, leave it alone. I'm pretty sure the only electric appliance you've never broken is the TV and microwave."

Stooped halfway over a ladder, clutching the coil of pink lights, Adagio interjected. "No, that's not right. She put a foil-wrapped taco in the microwave that one time, remember?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Make that the TV only then, punk."

Sonata huffed again, mumbling under her breath, "How do you think I feel? I was the one who got their taco burnt..."

The utterance went unheard by either older Dazzling. Turning, Aria went to help Adagio. Sonata sulked and kicked her fluffy fleece boots against the powdery snow, shuffled her way to the driveway. She pulled open the car door, hopped into the seat sitting sideways, and watched as her siblings set up the decorations between checking her social media and YouTube homepage.

"Grab that end," Adagio told Aria, who fumbled around with the wire.

"Which end?"

"Ugh, this one. Right here."

"There are like a million ends on this fuckin' thing, it's all coiled up and shit."

"That's the point, and there's only two ends. Just, hold on," Adagio grumbled. "Give it to me, I'll take care of it."

"No no fuck off, I got it."

"No, you don't. Give it here!"

"I can get it, just give me a damn second!"

As the two played tug-o-war with the string lights, the ladder beneath Adagio tipped unsteadily. She lost her footing, and the crash of the ladder and her faceplanting into the snow made Sonata jump.

"Told you I had it."

Still face down in the snow, Adagio gave Aria the middle finger.

Sonata chimed in. "Hey guys?"

"No!" both Aria and Adagio said, though the latter's voice was muffled.

Irritably, Sonata grumbled to herself and resumed scrolling through her feed. Adagio picked herself up, dusted off, propped the ladder up again and glared at Aria. She yanked the lights out of Aria's hand, grabbed the plug end of the wire, and shoved it back into her palm.

"There. Don't be a pighead next time," said Adagio, to which Aria gave a dismissive snort of acknowledgement.

Time passed and with the minutes decorations went up. After the initial hiccup the pair worked smoothly, save the usual bickering that occupied the sisters' lives. Every so often Sonata would pop back up right behind one or the other, startling them near clean from their skin, clammoring to join in on the decorating. And, without fail, each time they'd tell her the same thing, until,

"Can't I at least put up the candy canes? Nothing can go wrong with that, right?"
Aria and Adagio glanced at one another, having finished hooking the unicorn to the home's electrical grid. Aria held up her palm to Sonata - the signal she gave to tell her to shut the fuck up without actually saying it - and brought her head together with Adagio. Sonata shrugged and figured at least it wasn't a no.

"Should we let her?" whispered Aria.

"As long as she doesn't lay a finger on anything to do with wires I don't see why not."

Aria nodded in agreement, albeit reluctantly. "Fair enough. What could go wrong?"

As it would turn out, a lot.

The first candy canes were placed without trouble; it was only a matter of Sonata putting them down and Aria handling the electrical side of things. Once Adagio was confident the two could go without supervision, she went inside for a drink of wine. By the time she came out, glass in hand, several candy canes were knocked over, half the lights on the ground, and a small fire blazed nearest the driveway. Sonata stood back and stock still pulling her best poker face, Aria not far from with a stupefied expression.

Adagio spat, nearly dropping her glass. "What the fuck did you do?"

"I don't know!" Aria exclaimed, hopelessly, and threw her hands in the air to show her innocence. "It was going fine and then all of a sudden,"

"Alright, shut it. I'll handle this."

Massaging her temples, Adagio haphazardly tossed her half-emptied wine glass to the ground, hoping the snow would break its fall. Without gloves she scooped up handfuls of powdery white from the yard, marched to the fire, and threw it against the little inferno. She repeated those motions until, finally, the flame went out, then turned to face Sonata, leveling a finger and sharp glare her direction.

"Sonata Fantasia Dusk."

Sonata answered warily. "Yeah-huuuh?"

"I don't know how this happened. Frankly, I don't care. What I do know is that you're not laying a pretty little finger on a single wire that isn't your phone charger for the rest of your mortal life, got it?"

"Got it..."

Adagio nodded in satisfaction and returned to her glass part buried in the snow. She picked it up, and without a pause downed the remainder of the drink.

"I'm gonna need a lot of booze this year, aren't I?" she mumbled to herself.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, only one siren stirred, the rest had gone out.
One alone in her room, fixing gifts with care, while at the store others pulled out their hair.
The mistake that night was of shopping too late, and now it was how they met this cruel fate -
Of blank shelves and merry jingles playing so sappily, while Sonata worked on her homemade presents ever so happily.

"I wonder what stitching would go best for the mouth?" said Sonata aloud, heedless to her siblings' gawking, growing crowd.

They hissed and they argued, they yelled and they spat, and Aria screamed "Where the fuck's this thing at?"

Adagio's eye twitched, and her voice rose sharply as she answered her sister, "How should I know?" quite tartly.

"Obviously," Aria taunted, hand to her hip "You're the one who's into that girly frufru shit."

The Dazzlings' matriarch bared her teeth angrily, while curious shoppers glanced to one-nother warily.
A cat fight seemed certain to break 'tween the two, when a bright, young employee came to the rescue.
Dressed in blue cap, blue shirt and blue pants, he swooped in and declared no need for such bants.

"What are you ladies looking for?" he asked oh-so-pleasantly, unbeknownst to him the dangers there presently.
But alas he was safe, lucky for their records, as they exchanged a look saying 'We'll finish this afterwards'.
Answering him promptly, he browsed through the racks until they'd reached the stocks at the the back.

Meanwhile back home the youngest siren sat, toothy grin on her face and cuddly plush in her lap.
She'd stitched a pair of octopi, purple and orange, grumpy and grumpier, nothing rhymes with orange.
One must admit that long poems ain't easy, so maybe it's time to take things a bit easy.

Ahem.

Sprawled next the Baron was a King, complete with felt crown and false jewels. Its expression was more placid than the Baron's, appearing not so much upset as smug and haughty. Seeing them together, complete, Sonata beamed large, proud of herself. This labor of love which she'd toiled over since November had at last paid off, ready just in time for Christmas Eve.

The King, along with his fellow, was moved into boxes which Sonata closed, wrapped, and adorned with shimmering ribbons. Below the sounds of the front door opening and closing, general clamor, rose to Sonata's ears. Adagio and Aria had returned from their evening excursion, the reason for it a mystery to the youngest siren. She signed the tags for each box, To and From, then hopped to her feet, slid the packages under her bed, and snuck into the hallway.

"Hi!" she said, popping up behind Adagio, who fumbled gracelessly with an unknown box in her hands, sputteringincoherently.

"Sonata!" she shouted, more from surprise than anger. In the confusion she tossed the box to Aria, who tucked it under her hoodie, towards the back. With the sensitive package out of the way, her annoyance came to the forefront. She snarled harmlessly, spun on her heel, jabbed an accusatory finger between Sonata's eyes. "What have I told you about sneaking up on me like that?"

"To not do it!" answered Sonata, not missing a beat.

"And what did you just do?"

"...Do it?"

"Yes. Now shoo. Go to your room again." Adagio ushered her away, shooing with her hand. "Aria and I need to do something. We'll call you out in a moment."

Sonata's pout lasted for all of a second before she cheered back up again and burbled a placid "Okay!"

When Sonata was out of sight, Aria revealed the box and turned it about in her hands. The cover was a gaudy, girly affair of floral patterns and putridly pretty pinks. In cursive read the brand name, 'FemmeLux'.

Aria shook her head, twin tails shaking with her. "Can't believe this shit cost three hundred. The fuck's it made of, gold? And we're just gonna label it from Santa, seriously?

Adagio shushed her violently, peering towards the staircase. No sign of the sneaky Sonata she saw, and breathed a sigh of relief. "Keep it down. And yes we're labelling it from Santa. Do you want to be the one who breaks the illusion for her?"

Aria rolled her eyes. "Like she'd believe us if we tried. If we're gnna blow this kinda cash we might as well take credit."

"If there's anything that would break the illusion it would be not getting a gift from Santa. Just... give it here."

Adagio yoinked the box from Aria's hold and beckoned her forth. The two went upstairs, to the right, and stopped at the bedroom opposite Sonata's, Aria's inbetween. They entered silently, and while Aria closed and locked the door Adagio searched her closet for wrapping paper. She wrapped it up swiftly, and like Sonata had done slid it beneath her bed.

A little while later, upon returning to the first floor, Adagio called Sonata down. She skipped down the stairs, past the bedroom, and into the kitchen where her face lit up bright as any tree topper. She gasped with palms to her cheeks, then clapped as she bounced up and down on her feet.

Laid across the island was a variety of ingredients - flour, sugar, molasses, eggs, butter, vanilla extract, frostings of various colors, along with tools like piping bags and cookie cutters of shapes from snowflakes to Christmas trees and the classic gingerbread man.

Sonata grinned ecstatically. Aria appeared mostly bored, leaning against a wall with her arms crossed. Adagio held a wary smile, but subtly edged away from the kitchen.

"Aww, you not gonna help, Addy?"

"I..." Adagio began. "I'd rather like to keep this beautiful hair of mine untainted, thank you."

She swished her voluminous plume of honeyed curls dramatically, tilting her chin up with elegance. "Aria can help you with the cookies. I can join in for the frosting."

"Oh come on, seriously!" Aria groaned, slouching. "You're just gonna throw me under the bus like that?"

"Yes. Now be a good girl and help your sister."

Aria sighed exaggeratedly, but Adagio had not retreated too far yet from the kitchen's boundaries. She stretched out an arm, and flicked her on the nose. "You heard me, Aria Blaze. Hop to it! I'll be in the living room if you need me."

The cookie making went about as well as one might expect with a creature as chaotic and ditzy as Sonata involved. Aria did her best at reigning the fiend in, but that didn't stop both of them from being doused with flour and splattered in sugary gingerbread dough clumps by the end. The baking itself was for all intents and purposes performed by Aria, whilst Sonata busied herself with laying out the cookies on the next sheet.

Eventually, there remained but a single tray of unbaked cookies to go in. For this last one Sonata pleaded to be the one to put in and take out. Aria glanced towards the living room, towards the back of Adagio's lion mane, then the oven.

"Your hands clean?" she asked.

Sonata nodded "Mhm!", turning her hands up and down to show the clear blue skin. The rest of her was a mess, but she'd at least taken care to wash those.

"Aight, I guess you can do it. Set an alarm on your phone for ten minutes first. I wanna see you do it."

Sonata did it, displaying the alarm for Aria to judge. Aria nodded and clomped out of the kitchen, already stripping. "Kay, I'm hittin' the shower. Adagio?"

"Yes?"

"I'm gonna shower off. Sonata's handling the last batch."

"You sure about that?"

"I made her set the alarm and everything. Watch her and I'm sure she'll be fine."

"Mhm," Adagio agreed, casting a secondary peek at Sonata who waved right on back. Adagio shrugged and leaned back into the cushions. Surely Sonata could handle a task this simple without her interference.

Sonata, however, had other plans. It wasn't until the acrid stink of something burning reached Adagio's nostrils did she realize trusting Sonata with anything even potentially dangerous was a terrible, stupid idea. Her fault for not remembering the disaster with the lights earlier that month, she told herself.

"What did you do now?" she demanded, wrenching the oven door open. A billowing cloud of dry black and licking orange poured out. The smoke alarms set to screeching, and Sonata and Adagio cringed. A moment later Aria appeared at the stairwell's top, naked and wet but for the towel haphazardly slung around herself.

"The fuck happened this time?" Aria yelled.

"I don't know, what did happen Sonata Dusk?" Adagio growled dangerously.

Without giving her time to answer, Adagio slammed the button to shut down the oven and, without anything on hand to stop the fire, filled and tossed water inside. Once the fire stopped and smoke cleared, Adagio glared molten daggers Sonata's way. Aria, now standing in the kitchen doorframe, looked even angrier.

"Well, uhm," Sonata muttered, turning sside to side, prodding her fingers together. "I just thought that like, maybe, since it takes them ten minutes to bake at three-fifty they'd bake in five at seven-hundred. And if they bake in five at seven-hundred, they'd bake in two and a half minutes at fourteen-hundred."

Aria and Adagio stared blankly.

"How?..." Aria tried. "how in the fuck."

"Ovens can't even reach that high." Adagio mumbled uselessly.

"Well duh, of course ovens can't reach. Ovens don't have arms!"

After her little 'incident' with the kitchen, Aria and Adagio had watched like silent hawks during the cookie decorating. That was to say, they were the ones who frosted the cookies while Sonata watched them. They had eventually let her frost one of each type - a gingerbread man, tree, snowflake, candy cane, reindeer, and toy train - but that was all she'd been allowed to do.

Her own cookies, the ones she'd baked herself - more accurately firecast - were thrown in the trash. They'd left the oven sizzling, unaffected by the water thrown upon them. They were black as charcoal, smooth and shiny as obsidian, and hard as any stone. They had also rendered the oven totally inoperable, so the Dazzling sisters were left with old pizza to eat for Christmas Eve dinner.

That dinner Sonata was made to eat in her room, alone, though Aria had joked she might find a way to cut herself on the pizza slice if she wasn't careful. Sonata had pouted - oh how she pouted - but her pity party went unattended by either sibling, and she was sent upstairs regardless.

She finished her sad meal mirthlessly and delivered the dish to the sink. Her sisters had already retired to their rooms, so she flicked off the lights as she went back upstairs, reminding herself not to lose her holiday cheer. She still had her secret plan, after all.

Once the clock struck midnight, Sonata set said plan into motion. First, she snuck out into the hallway and checked on each bedroom to ensure her sisters had fallen asleep and, once assured, returned to hers. She threw open her closet, stripped of her pajamas, and slid into a Santa costume she'd bought off the net, complete with beard and burlap sack. Then she stuffed pillows underneath her fluffy pink comforter, crouched and pulled the boxes from underneath her bed, stuffed them into her bag, and closed the door.

With heart pitterpattering and presents in tow, Santnata Dusk crept into the hall and down the stairs. Each step gave her pause, and like a lazy serpent she slithered her way to the bottom floor, careful not to make so much as a floorboard creak. At one point her elbow brushed a vase, and her breath stopped for a single terrifying moment until it settled back safely.

After what seemed to her like many eternities, she reached the back door. She unchained it, unlatched the lock, and slipped through to the outside. Santa costume or no the December night chill bit her to the bone, but she grit her teeth and bore it. Here she could relax somewhat, and casually but quick-like walked 'round to the shed where she'd find the ladder used for the roof.

Once ladder was under arm, she stomped through the snowfall to the side closest the chimney. She had to take care again now, and thus eased the ladder against it. She climbed cautiously upwards, and upon reaching the top heaved her sack over. Getting down the chimney safely - not to mention quietly - would be the challenging part of the whole affair. And, peering down the stone walls into the darkness below, the gears of Sonata ground momentarily, wondering what reason she actually had for putting all this effort into a stunt that nobody save herself would notice.

As fast as the thought popped into her mind, so too did it disappear. She was nothing if not committed.

Shrugging, she spread her legs to either side of the chimney and gripped the top walls, using that as leverage before slowly inching herself down. It took time and effort, but bit by bit she was able to wriggle past, boots hanging that much closer to the fireplace floor. Santa surely had an easier time doing this, she pondered, being fat and all. Maybe if she was really lucky she'd get to meet him tonight.

Hopefully not too soon, though. Cause of death: 'Crushed by Santa's Flabby Ass' was not something she wanted on her tombstone.

When her heels touched ground, she nearly leapt with joy. Giddily but sneakily she let herself fall, squatted, and was back in the living room. There, she made her way to the treee and removed the gifts from her sack.

Right as she slipped the first present underneath, she bumped her nose against Adagio's.

"Ah!"

Adagio shriekd and flailed backwards, as did Sonata. In the commotion, the tree wobbled, lights caught on Sonata's bag, and fell. Unbeknownst to either, a spark caught and spread amongst the needles.

"What are you doing here?"

"Nooooothiiiiing..." Sonata lied, then narrowed her eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Adagio repeated. Sonata, eyes still narrowed, noticed the box in Adagio's hands, including the tag reading 'From: Santa'.

Sonata gasped. "How dare you!"

"It's not what it looks like! I was, Aria, we were just,"

"You were gonna open Santa's gift early! And," Sonata's gaze flicked past Adagio, to the plate of cookies with half the milk drunk and half the cookies eaten. One cookie stood out in particular with an obvious bite mark, crumbles littering where the others had gone. "You ate Santa's treats too! You are like, so totally on the Naughty list."

Adagio, relieved, let out a long and low breath.

"Uh. Hey guys," interrupted a third voice. Adagio and Sonata looked left to see Aria halfway down the stairs, pointing past them. "The tree is on fire."

Outside in the snow all three Dazzlings stood - Aria in an oversized t-shirt and panties, Adagio in a nightgown, and Sonata in her Santa outfit. Off in the distance, the sound of firetruck alarms blared. Thankfully, the raging inferno that was currently their home kept them warm.

Scattered around was a number of things, mostly the presents they'd been able to rescue and all of Sonata's stuffed animals. Laptops too, but not the TV. That was too heavy to escape with.

Inwardly, Adagio reflected that after this she was going to buy a fire extinguisher.

"Sooooooo..." Sonata began.

"So," Aria seconded.

"So," Adagio finished.

"Does this mean no Easter?"

Author's Note

I absolutely fucking love writing the Dazzlings. Not sure if you can tell.

If you enjoyed this story, consider a commission!