You turn on your TV, and the first thing you see is a disheveled, bug-eyed princess of Zephyr Heights framed much, much too closely by the camera.
"Hey there, Pippsqueaks!” Pipp Petals’ mane is a mess. Is that ketchup on her cheek? “We're in the final hour of the Maretime Bay Beachfront Restoration FUN-raiser! And you ponies are…" She flutters into the air and sings, "Nailing it!"
It looks like she’s at the Maretime Bay convention center, but something is off. Actually, everything is off. Paint drips from the rafters, accompanied by an absurd number of streamers. Eight or nine broken film sets litter the background, including a puppet theater, a singing stage, and some kind of club scene with a firepony’s pole. Dozens of ponies scurry around, trying to clean up but getting in each others’ way and arguing loudly. One of the walls behind her has a massive hole in it.
“We’re just seventy-five bits from our goal.” A raccoonicorn scuttles in, grabs a bag of money, and hurries away. Pipp slaps a hoof to her face. “Ugh! Eighty-five!” She lands, shrugs, and forces a smile. “But that’s okay! We’ll just have to…” Her eyes dart around. “Nail it a little harder!”
Izzy Moonbow pops up behind her. Her horn is covered in a rainbow of rubber bands. "Ooh, nails are great! But I like using rubber bands because they're stretchy and rubbery and much more colorful! And you can do this!" She stretches one and shoots it from her horn, then another, then another. "Pew pew pew pew pew!"
They hit Pipp in the face. “Ow, ow! Ow! Izzy, stop!”
“Your loss!” She trots off to the side, and the camera wobbles to follow her.
Pipp sneers, grabs the camera, and forces it to focus back on her. "Don’t give up everypony. We are so close to our goal! And then we can restore the native plants after…” She glares at the camera. “...somepony went a liiiiiiittle overboard growing those coconana trees."
The camera pans left and right, as if shaking its head. You hear Sprout whine, "I said I was sorry!"
Pipp perks up. "So keep those donations coming, Pippsqueaks! Up next we've got a WAH!"
Hitch Trailblazer shoves her off camera and presses his face close to the lens. "A very special, very cute rendition of ‘I'm a Little Teapot’ by our favorite green–" He gasps. His eyes go wide and his ears flatten as he looks to the right. "Sparky, no! We don’t eat porcelain!" He dashes off screen. You hear a massive belch. A teapot, propelled by dragon fire, smashes into the remains of the back wall. Its pieces turn into a rain of rose petals.
Pipp dusts herself off and drags herself up from the floor. "It, uh… seems like we have a delay with our next act. But that's okay! Keep those bits coming, and we'll get back to that in a moment."
A white pegasus dashes around in the background. She chews on her hoof and nervously glances left and right.
Pipp continues. “While we’re waiting, Jazz would love to–"
From behind, Zipp Storm swoops down. "Uh, bit of a situation, sis."
Pipp grits her teeth. "Oh look! A special appearance by the princess – and my awesome sister – Zephyrina!"
Zipp grimaces and gives a half-hearted wave. "Uh, yeah. Hi."
Pipp's eyes are bulging out. "And I'm sure she has some good news to tell us!"
Zipp rubs the back of her head. "Good… adjacent. You know that super-caffeinated fruit punch Izzy made?"
Izzy bounces across the background, flinging rubber bands from her horn. "Old Bridlewood recipe! It's irresistible!"
“It’s a big hit!” Zipp nods but then trails off. “Raising lots of money. Only…”
Pipp forces a smile through grinding teeth. “Only what, dear sister?”
Zipp bites her lip. "Well… Sunny didn't know what it was, aaaaand she's had twelve glasses."
“Irresistible!” gets shouted from somewhere to the left.
Pipp screams, "She what?"
"WHOOOOOO, UNITY!!!" In the background, Sunny Starscout twirls and zips through the air in her alicorn form. Ribbons of color trail behind her, and everything they touch becomes magically fuzed: a plant grows out of a coat rack, a clown wig affixes itself to Kenneth the seagull, and a blueberry pie combines with an apple pie to form a shockingly delicious amalgam. “I’ll call it blapple!”
The camera tilts up and zooms in on her. Sprout whispers, "Oh, this is totally going in my next Royal Fails vid."
Pipp yanks the camera back to her. "Sprout, I love the enthusiasm, but how about we don't antagonize our friends when they're super magical and a little unstable, hm?"
"It'll be fine!" The camera refocused on Sunny and the crowd of screaming ponies galloping away from her.
Sunny floats in the air and smiles sweetly. Her eyes are bloodshot, but her smile extends from ear to ear. She looks at the camera. No, she's staring directly at you. "Hello, wonderful audience member! Isn't it incredible? All of us will be united as one pony kind through the power of charity and community service. All shall become one!"
From behind the camera, Sprout says, "See? She's being a good sport. What’s the worst that could happen?"
"I said…" Sunny’s eyes glow blood-red, and her voice booms, several octaves lower. "ALL SHALL BECOME ONE!!!"
"Ahhh!!!" The image spins wildly, and you hear the sound of hooves dashing away. The camera finally slows down and lands on Sprout, quivering beneath the craft services table.
Pipp flies over to him. You can only see her hooves as she canters in place. "Get ahold of yourself, Sprout! Ugh!" She strikes a four-point pose. "Hitch! There you are!”
Hitch gallops up. Like Pipp, you only see his legs. Behind them, Sprout covers his face with his hooves. Hitch says in a bright voice, “Here I am, indeed! How can I help?”
Pipp sets a hoof on Hitch’s chest. “Emergency! We have a Sunny situation!"
Hitch sits down. "A sunny situation? That’s a cute name for it. Is she stressed out or sad or goOOOOOH SHE'S ON FIRE!"
There is a Ioud fwoosh, and Sunny cackles off screen while the whole scene is bathed in an orange glow. The two of them dive under the table with Sprout.
Pipp grabs Hitch's face. "Do something!"
Hitch jabs a hoof towards Sunny. "Did you miss the part where she's literally on fire!?"
"Then just, I don't know…” Pipp flails with her hooves. “Do your secret hoof-shake from a distance or something."
Hitch gasps. "You can't cook a sunny-side-up egg on high heat like that! It'll be over-medium at best!"
"Just do it!"
"Okay! Uh…" He grabs a broom from off camera, then crawls out and dashes away. "Sunny, bad! Get down from there!"
Pipp crawls out after him. "Zipp! Keep the show going. I’m going to find a fire extinguisher."
The bottoms of Zipp's hooves hover on screen. "Forget the show, Pipp! We have bigger things to worry about!"
Pipp stomps a hoof. "Ooooh no. We are not missing our goal just because of a minor setback.”
The princesses both scream as a flaming rolling chair/hula hoop flies past them.
Pipp dashes away. "Okay thanks love you bye!"
"What…" Zipp lands and sighs. Sprout looks up at her with big eyes and drooping ears. Zipp doesn't notice him. She walks to the camera, tilts it with both hooves, and smiles into it. "Uh… Hey, everypony!" She freezes. "What do I do?"
Sprout waves and whispers, "Just tell a joke or something."
"Oh!" Her wings stand up. "A joke! Right. Let's see…" She scratches her chin. "Hm… oh! Hey, why did Queen Softfeather join the royal guard?" She stifles a snicker. "Because she couldn't decree her way into the circus! Ahahaha!!!" She wipes away a tear, then her face drops. "Oh, wait. That joke only works if you know a lot of pegasus royal history." Her eyes dart left and right. "Just trust me that it was really funny."
An increasingly demonic voice bellows, "UNITY REQUIRES INCLUSIVE HUMOR!”
A jet of fire blasts towards Zipp, and she barely dodges out of the way. "Gah! Uh… anyway, here's Izzy!" She shoves the camera away.
The world spins again. The sounds of screaming panic can be heard everywhere. As the dizziness sets in, the image halts on a close up of Izzy's bright, smiling face. "Hey there, everypony! Today we're going to learn how to unicycle that old tram cart in your backyard into… Gr…" She grunts and struggles to lift an oversized, metal umbrella. "Oof! This heavy duty parasol!" She twirls it, showing off the metal decorations welded to the panels that form the canopy. "And the best part is…"
Izzy opens the parasol behind her just as a horrifying inferno erupts all around her. Dark reds and oranges frame the black silhouette of a unicorn as the parasol grows white hot.
And when it subsides, you see Izzy's smiling face. "...it's completely fireproof! Perfect for those days when the weather takes a turn for the kooky. And here's Hitch with some pointers!"
Panting, Hitch runs in and huddles close, just in time. Sunny blasts them with another flame. They cower until it subsides, then Hitch holds up a scorched stick with a tear in his eye. He sobs, "She burned Broomy McBroomface…"
"Oooh, but look at that handle!" She gestures to the unburned part of the broom.
Hitch perks up. "Well, yeah. It's got a silicone covering." He models it. "Not only does it make for a very comfortable grip, but it's highly durable, whether it's winter, summer, or the alicorn apocalypse."
"See everypony? You can find everything you need around the house! Hey Hitch! Mind if I use it to insulate my parasol?"
Hitch sniffs. "Go for it. Might as well put Ol' Broomy to one last good use." He tries not to cry.
Izzy gleefully takes the handle and begins salvaging it. "By the way, where's Sparky? You seem pretty calm for not having him in your hooves." She dives down, just off-camera, and you see sparks flying from below.
Hitch dries his tears. "It's okay. Misty said she'd take him to safety, so he's in good hooves. We’re lucky to have a friend like her." He cocks his head and rubs his chin. "Although… Now that I think about it, Misty didn't say where they were going." He shrugs and waves a hoof dismissively. "Ah well. I'm sure it's fine."
Izzy pops back up, and the silicone now protects the handle of the metal parasol. “Perfection! Now we can get close to Sunny without burning our hoovsies!”
She closes the parasol, and you see behind her. Wisps of fiery red power flow from Sunny’s eyes, and she whips her head around. “Unity!” Magic blasts from her horn, and two ponies hiding in the puppet theater turn into sentient socks with googly eyes. They whack each other with sticks.
“Unity!” She blasts again, and on the singing stage, the sound pony’s hooves meld to the mixing board.
“Uni–”
“Enough, Sunny!” Pipp shouts, flying up to her.
Izzy chimes in. “Wait! Maybe she was going to say ‘unicorn’ that time!”
“I wasn’t!” Sunny bellows.
“Aw…”
Pipp aims the fire extinguisher at her face. “Cool it!” She presses the handle, but the foam from the nozzle burns up immediately in Sunny’s fiery radiance.
Hitch gasps. “Somepony didn’t inspect their extinguishers properly! That’s a 20-bit fine!”
While they’re distracted, Zipp dives for Sunny’s back, holding a big, metal chain. “Hya!”
But Sunny is too quick. She looks behind her, and her horn flares. The chains meld into Zipp and wrap around her body, and she plummets. “Whoa!”
“I got you!” Hitch shouts as he dives and barely catches her.
Sunny looks down and sees that Izzy has pranced up to her with the metal parasol. “Do you mean to defeat me with that monstrosity?”
Izzy smiles brightly. “Nope! I just wanted you to sign it so we can sell it for charity.”
Hitch perks up. “Wait, what?!”
The image glows orange. “Fools!” A blast of magic erupts from Sunny, and her four friends shout in surprise as they are thrown by the force of her spell. “Can you not even agree on a way to defeat me? Is there nothing that can unify you?” Another wave of magic bursts from her.
The camera is knocked over, and it lands on its side. You see Sprout sulking beneath the same table. He slowly scratches at the floor with a lazy hoof, and he frowns. His eyes flick towards the camera once, then again, and he sighs as the sounds of battle rage on throughout the convention center.
Sprout looks at the camera, like he can see you watching him. He scoots closer and rights the camera, holding it at floor level. “Sorry, everypony. This is all my fault. Again.”
From off to the side, you hear Sunny shout, “I’ll teach you unity the hard way!” The orange glow intensifies.
Sprout shakes his head. “I know you’re all sick of me screwing things up.” He shrugs. “Frankly, I am, too. I shouldn’t complain after everything I’ve done, but…” His shoulders slump. “It’s so hard watching Hitch and Sunny and Jazz and Rufus – Rufus, even– all come into their own while I…” He hangs his head. “...while I just keep making things worse. Heh, I guess after this fundraiser, everypony in Equestria will know that I–”
His eyes shoot open wide, and his ears spring up.
Sunny’s voice booms. “...interrupting each other, getting in each other’s way all day, ordering each other around. Can’t you ponies agree on anything?”
Sprout bites his lip and turns back to the camera. “Hey, uh, Equestria? Do me a favor? Call or text in and let me know what you think of me, and…” He winces. “And don’t hold back. Hey, Sunny, look at me!” He stands up and hoists the camera with him, pointing it back to the action.
The convention center is in ruins. Sunny has magically grown to three times her size, and her wings are made of fire. She glares down. “What!?”
Sprout gallops to a spot right below her. “You ever seen a pony grow a coconana tree before? Because it goes something like…” He rears back onto his hind legs. His hooves glow a brilliant green, and he brings them down with incredible force. “This!”
“What are you–”
Sunny is interrupted by the trunk of a massive tree springing up through the ground. It bursts through the concrete floor and shoots up, up, up! It grows directly towards Sunny, ready to wrap her in branches and vines!
And then it misses her completely.
But as it does, Sprouts yelps as he becomes tangled in the branches. “Eep!” The tree continues to grow and punches through the roof of the convention center, causing massive damage. Sprout dangles, upside-down and face to face with Sunny. He grimaces. “Uh… Sorry!”
Immediately, the entire crowd of ponies turns on him and starts yelling.
Pipp lands on the ground. She’s crying, and her makeup is streaking. “Sprout, what have you done? This is a disaster!”
Hitch stomps a hoof. “I know you’re trying to help, but c’mon, buddy! Why now?”
Izzy frowns. “And your tree bent my parasol!”
The other ponies pile on in a cacophony of resentment, and Sprout rubs the back of his head. He says to Sunny, “Wow, yeah. I guess everypony agrees.” He rolls his eyes. “I’m just about the biggest screw-up in Equestria. Clumsy me!” He half-heartedly chuckles.
Sunny narrows her eyes. “You think because a few ponies in a single building agree on this one thing, that I–”
Sprout waves his hooves. “Not just them! Hey, Pipp, check your phone!”
At the base of the tree, Pipp looks at her phone. “What? Where did all these messages come from?” She rapidly flips through them and reads, “Sprout always does this, Sprout’s the worst… I can’t keep up with them. Zipp, help me out here. Check the comments on the charity site.”
Zipp frees a foreleg from the chains and looks at her phone as well. “Sprout’s a doofus, Sprout’s a dingus, Sprout’s a– woah, I am not repeating that one on the air.”
Sprout forces a strained smile at Sunny. “So… there you have it! Equestria is unified!” He deflates. “...at how much of a failure I am.”
Sunny blinks and thrashes her head around. Some of the fire subsides. “Okay, no. Not what I meant.” She begins shrinking back to her normal size. “Well, it is, and everypony is unified, but this is all wrong!” Sunny grits her teeth, and the fire comes roaring back. “And I cannot let this stand. You must all be punished!”
Izzy bounces in place. “Oh, good!”
Hitch whips his head to face her. “How is that good?”
“Oh, not that. Lemme just check my math.” She sits down and waves a hoof in the air. “Carry the four… cucumber is the square root of watermelon, and… yeah! Sunny should be hitting a caffeine crash right about… now.”
Sunny sneers. “I will not be–” Her demonic alicorn form disappears with a pop, and she drops to the ground like a sack full of lead. Sprout waves his hoof, and his magic flares to life. He catches her safely with a branch of the coconana tree and sets her down. She snores loudly, and everything that had magically merged reverts back to its original form.
Sprout’s face lights up. “Everypony, we did it!”
And nearly everypony gathered draws a breath, looks up at Sprout, and shouts together, “Booo!!!”
Sprout groans. “Okay, maybe I deserve that.”
Pipp flies up and says to the crowd. “Okay, everypony, I think that’s a wrap.” She swoops down to the camera and sticks her face in it. She runs a hoof through her mane. “That’s all for today, Pippsqueaks. Thanks for…” She gestures behind her. “This. We almost hit our goal, at least, so great job!” She looks around at the destruction and moans, “Look for a fundraiser next week to repair the convention center.” She leans over the camera. “How do I turn this off? This must be it.” She flips a switch, but nothing happens. “There! Ugh. I need a shower and, like, a billion face masks.” She flutters away.
The crowd disperses, leaving Sprout hanging upside down in his tree. He shouts meekly, “Uh, little help?”
“One second, Sprout,” Hitch replies. “I need to find Sparky. Sparky! Little buddy! Where’d you go?”
“Ah!” a pony shouts from above. Part of the ceiling buckles, and tangled in a mass of coconana vines, Misty plummets towards the ground. The vines catch right before she hits the floor. Her head spins, and a happy little dragon hops out of her forelegs.
“Sparky!” Hitch rushes up, picks up Sparky, and gives him a kiss. “There you are, you little daredevil.” With a free hoof, Hitch helps Misty out of the vines. “And good going Misty! You must have hidden up in the ceiling to keep Sparky from getting trampled, then used the coconana vines to get him down safely. Great thinking!”
As she steps out of the mess, Misty’s eyes dart left and right. “Uh… yeah. That’s it. Heh heh.” She rubs the back of her head. “You know how it is… Dragons like high places or… something. Heh.”
Hitch presses Misty for more dragon-sitting tips. Sparky eyes the camera, then hops out of Hitch’s grasp. He runs to the camera and picks it up with surprising strength. “Oooh,” he coos.
The camera wobbles around, and you see it zoom in on Sprout. Zipp has flown up and is helping untangle him. “I know what you did, Sprout.”
Sprout sulks. “Mess everything up again?”
“Nah,” she replies. She pulls the last branch off his hooves, then picks him up and guides him to the ground. The camera follows them. “You took a hit for the team: to your body and your ego. That was really brave, Sprout. You’re not a screw-up.”
“I think most of Equestria would disagree,” he replies as they land.
“I wouldn’t be so sure.” She pulls out her phone and shows it to Sprout.
He grabs it. “Wait… Is that the donation counter?” Zipp nods, and Sprout’s jaw drops. “This is enough to fix the beach and the convention center! Why would they…”
“Because you’re a hero, Sprout.” Zipp reaches over and gives him a side hug.
Sprout looks up from the phone, which he clutches to his chest. He has a tear in his eye and a shaky smile on his face, and for the first time this broadcast, he looks happy.
From behind the camera, you hear a dragon gurgle, “Gruwu! Hwa!” There is a click, and the screen goes dark.
