Lightning Dust has No Hearth's Warming Idea
What a wonderful time of year. I’m sitting at a bar, drinking a warm cider. I’d have another, but I don’t have enough bits for another.
“Here you go, Lightning Dust, one on the house for the holidays,” the earth pony behind the bar tells me, dropping a full tankard of cider in front of me. “Just don’t tell my boss. She thinks you’ve had enough”, he whispered, covering the side of his muzzle with his hoof.
That boss is probably right, my head’s a little cloudy, and I lost count of how many drinks I had after two… three… did I have a fourth? I smirk and pick up the stein and down it in one before slamming the tankard onto the wooden table.
“Relax, dude, I know when it’s time to leave! I’ll see ya next time.”
The pony behind the bar is cool. It’d suck to lose the one who gives me free drinks out of pity. I jump down from my seat, ready to make my way out. Although when I landed, the floor started to wobble. Yep, I’m drunk. Walking is now in hard mode.
“Uh, you sure you’re okay to fly home?”
“Relax, I’m fine!” I answer as I struggle to walk straight to the door.
I’m sure he had some concern, not that my blurry eyesight could see what facial expression he was making.
“Okay, have a happy Hearth’s Warming!”
Yeah, that cheery tone, he bought it. “Haha, I will” I go outside into the cold, slam the door shut, and mutter to myself. “Hearth’s Warming, my flank.”
I don’t get what makes the holiday so special; a bunch of ponies stopped arguing so some windy goes would go away, and now we give gifts because of it? What a load of bull. Do you know what kind of gift I’d want? To be in the Wonderbolts, but noooo… I get kicked out because my wing pony complains about the awesome tornado I made.
Now I can’t find a job, and my parents are on vacation without me, this holiday won’t make it better. It would be good to go home and let this Hearth’s Warming pass like it didn’t… Hold on. Suddenly I can hear bells. I’m looking around but cannot see any bells, just a lot of snow and houses with windows giving an orange glow.
Where are these bells coming from? Twisting and turning my ears, it sounds like it’s coming from above. That’s weird. All I see is falling snow in the night sky... And what looks like a giant red sleigh getting bigger and bigger-
Suddenly, it screeches to a halt, somehow still in the sky, and the weirdest creature I’d ever seen pops out. “Greetings, fellow pony!” the creature called out to me. It had the head of an ugly-looking pony, but I could also see an antler and a horn on top. It waved at me with a lion’s paw. It's other looked like claws. Down its snake-like bodies were a lizard’s leg and a goat’s.
“Woah, I definitely had way too much to drink,” I tell myself. What am I even looking at?
“Don’t worry, my inebriated friend”, the thing responded in an oddly eloquent voice, “your inner narration is confused. I’m Discord the Draconaquus!” The next thing I see is what looks like Discord’s name in giant letters arched above him, but it is so bright it’s making my blurry vision worse.
“Dra-kon-a-qwus? What was in my drink?!”
“Judging by the shabby establishment you’ve come from, rotten apples and misery. Not to worry, I have the perfect gift to cure you.”
This Draconequus… thing reaches around his back, pulling out a box with a crank. He then turns the crank, which plays a little chime tune, and out pops a weird fuzzy bottle on spring. Before I could get a good idea of what a bottle was doing inside a jack-in-the-box, I felt a cold shower sprayed on my face.
“Argh!”
A soft pink towel then smothers me, I can hardly breathe, but at least my face isn’t freezing, thanks to the moisture and the cold. Once the towel is gone from my face, my vision is as clear as it can be, and I’m sober. “Voila! You’re cured! Have a wowwy pop!” Discord said in rejoicing after shoving a lollipop in my mouth.
“Good Celestia, you’re real.” To my surprise and disappointment, I remarked that it wasn’t manifesting my previous drunk state.
“Indeed, I am, and you’re welcome.” Discord gave a gracious bow.
“What do you want?”
“Glad you asked, I’m working at a Hearth’s Warming Grotto for all the fillies and foals and was supposed to have a helper, but they ran away.” Discord explained. “I would have retrieved them, but then you appeared, and I think you are perfect for the job.”
“You need a helper for a Hearth’s Warming Grotto?”
“Wonderfully summarised, perhaps you can be an editor, this author sure needs one.”
...
Wait, author? Whatever, it's not important, I shook away any weird thoughts from my mind. “Pass. I don’t do filly stuff.” I walked around Discord’s floating sleigh so I could start my flight home to Cloudsdale.
Unfortunately, Discord moved the sleigh to block my path. “Are you sure you don’t want to contribute to some Hearth’s Warming cheer?” He's getting on my nerves.
“Nope. Hearth’s Warming stopped being fun when I became a full-grown mare. The last thing I want to do is work during it.”
“All you need to do is stand still, look the part, and make the little ones happy. You will be paid handsomely.”
Did I hear that right? Paid handsomely? I don’t have money now, but I can easily earn more in the holidays. But why am I no longer moving? Nothing is holding me back other than what, money? I relented with a grunt.
“Fine, I’ll take your job. Being a pony elf won’t be too bad if I get bits for it.”
Discord returned a suspiciously sinister grin. “Oh, I didn’t say you’d be a pony elf”. I’m concerned. What did Discord mean by that? I witnessed him snap the fingers of his lion’s paw, and a bright flash appeared.
The light soon faded, and we were inside a small house. The two stood in the only room with a fireplace, a single comfy chair, a tree with a purple flame above, and loads of tinsel and lights. It’s a tacky room, a typical Hearth’s Warming Grotto.
I also see Discord now wearing a giant red and white costume with leather boots and a fake beard around his muzzle. “Ho, ho, ho! Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve!” he cheerfully exclaimed. Well, nothing is out of the ordinary for this job.
“Discord, you’re just in time.” I heard a soft feminine voice; I turned around to see an oddly familiar yellow pegasus with flowing hair. “Aw, you even found a reindeer just like you said you would.”
Wait, a reindeer? There’s no reindeer in this room, and why is she staring at me with a warm smile? I was going to turn back to Discord to ask about this reindeer, but I noticed one of the reflective baubles on the Hearth’s Warming tree. It’s shiny and reflective, but the weirdest part is that I don’t see myself. I look closer, and it looks like I’m staring at a reindeer.
I blink and turn my head from side to side, and the reindeer in the reflection does the same. Wait a minute. There isn’t a reindeer in here… I’M THE REINDEER?!
I scream angrily.
“Goodness…” the pegasus reacts in shock.
“No need for alarm, Blitzen here is just cranky from flying a sleigh across Equestria.” Discord excuses, which only makes me angrier. Not only did Discord change me into a reindeer, but he also has the nerve to give me the awesome Lightning Dust, the cheesy nickname of Blitzen?!
“CHANGE ME BACK, YOU FRE-” before I could finish my tirade, Discord snapped his finger, and suddenly I had reigned in my mouth.
“Ah, ah, ah!” Discord shushes me. “You agreed to be my helper, so make the little ones happy, and you’ll be back to your grumpy self.“
So, I’m stuck as a reindeer. I’m not allowed to do anything but stand still while foals and fillies gawk at me as they meet Discord, the “Hearth’s Warming Gift Giver”. This must be the worst job I’ve done in my life, and I worked on a rock farm once. The little ponies sit on the thigh of his goat leg and listen to them say what present they want. Their parents were conveniently in the room, getting an idea of what to buy last minute.
Discord would occasionally snap his fingers, and a random gift would appear in a flash. Many of them were weird, a chocolate-flavoured umbrella, a rocking pony, a cushion-shaped like a heard (and not the Heart and Hooves Day kind).
One exchange got my attention. “Hey, you can’t give a child that!” the parent exclaims in shock as they witness their filly holding a real sword.
“Of course, I can. It’s educational.”
“What if my daughter hurts herself with it?”
“Well, she would have learned a vital lesson.”
Pfft, okay, Discord is still a weird-looking jerk who turned me into a reindeer for a silly Hearth’s Warming Grotto, but that moment was funny.
“Woah, are you a real reindeer?”
Who said that? It sounded like a foal, but there’s one already sitting on Discord’s lap right now. Upon looking down, there’s one right in front of me. He is a pegasus, too, although his wings look a little small.
Guess I should answer. This stumpy one continues to stare at me in awe. “Uh, yeah, I am, apparently….” I reply. I don’t know if the foal can understand me like Discord, and maybe that yellow pegasus could.
“Cool… can you fly?”
“Course I can, I am-” I turn my head to look behind me, no wings. “…WAS a Pegasus pony.”
When I turn back, this kid somehow has a carrot in his hooves. “Hungry, Miss Blitzen?” he asks. I’m not, so I shake my head, but instead of taking a hint, he tries to fly up to get the carrot closer to me.
Or at least he’s trying. The little foal looks like he’s struggling as his tiny wings buzz as hard as they can. Good Celestia, it’s embarrassing. He can’t get higher than my knees. Fine, I’ll save him from humiliation. Just lower my head and eat the carrot.
Or, you know, rub my muzzle while I’m eating, “You’re a nice reindeer”, he says. It does feel nice, I guess.
“Oh, and what do we have here!” Discord finally notices the foal since the other ponies have left the grotto. He snaps his fingers, and with a poof, the foal appears on his lap. “Snuck in to give Blitzen a snack? What a little rascal”, he remarks, acting all playful and the like, before shrugging.
“Oh well, now you’re here. Is there a gift you want for Hearth’s Warming? A slingshot? A Wonderbolts costume? How about a puzzle cube in a jar.”
His ideas appeared magically above him, including that weird cube jar one. I roll my eyes. It’s just another kid wanting to meet Discord, the Gift Giver.
“I wanna fly.” Wait, what did that kid want? “The doctor says my wings need to grow bigger before I can fly….” I guess that’s why the kid asked if I could fly and why he struggled to fly earlier. I always loved flying and the thrill of soaring through the skies. It’s why I wanted to be a Wonderbolt. The thought that there are Pegasus ponies out there that can’t… I think I have something in my eye.
“Oh, well, I can’t help your wings”, Discord responds, taking the request surprisingly well. “But I know a creature who can give you flight experience.” He then turns to me with a suspicious grin on his face. Once again, he snaps the fingers of his lion’s paw, and the next thing I know, I see the foal sitting on my back.
“Uh, I can’t fly right now? No wings?” I tell Discord, with my eyebrow raised.
“Blitzen, don’t be ridiculous. You’re already a few feet off the ground.”
Um, how is that possible when I’m standing still-HOLY, CELESTIA? I’M LOOKING DOWN AND SEVERAL FEET OFF THE GROUND! I have a foal on my back and floating off the ground… I glare at Discord; he’s already messed up my neat appearance, and now he’s moving me around with his chaotic magic.
But all he does is give his smug look and point to my back. I turn back, and the foal is… happy. His face is glowing as he looks around beneath him as if he’s the highest he’s ever been.
Okay, so what do I do now? I don’t have wings to push me forward… do I trot? Is that how reindeer move? I make one step, and I feel myself move forward, so I make another. And another, and I’m moving like trotting on air.
All the while, the foal on my back is giggling, having fun riding a flying reindeer. Okay, let’s make this more fun. I pick up speed, and now I’m galloping around the room in a circle. This foal is having the time of his life.
We whizzed around the room for a few minutes until gradually heading back to the ground. I was starting to get breathless with all the different kinds of flying. I think the kid on my back is worn out too.
“There you are!” Suddenly we all hear a new pony, another pegasus mare, but light blue. I’m guessing by her expression of relief that she’s the foal’s mother. “Sorry about this. He always sneaks off like this.”
Discord just nonchalantly snaps his finger, and suddenly the colt is on the mother’s back. “Oh, no harm done. We had some fun. Right, Blitzen?” I don’t answer. I keep looking at that happy foal as he waves at me. I feel tempted to wave back, though I’m unsure how awkward it might look given my appearance.
Moments later, the mother turned around to head out of the grotto, yet her child continued to wave back at me. It was kind of bittersweet, like we had a few moments together that was weird but fun, and now it’s gone, and I miss the fun. Wonder if the kid feels the same way.
“You think that he’ll be okay?”
“Did my ears deceive me?” I hear Discord exclaim as one of his ears grows massive and covers my personal space. “Did I hear you show compassion for a young pony?”
“No! I’m no-” That Draconequus held my muzzle shut before I could finish my hasty excuse.
“Oh, I’m sure that kid will be fine. He just needed a little experience to lift his spirits. That’s what this holiday is all about. And with a job well done, I leave you adieu!”
I see him snap his fingers with a sly grin, and once again, a bright flash blinds me. The next thing I know, I’m back outside near the bar. I can tell from looking at my hooves and the wings on my back that I’m back to my pony self (I’ll have to look in a mirror to double-check), so that’s a relief.
However, I can’t see anything else that’s different. I can’t even tell if any time has passed. Did… any of that happen?
Suddenly I hear something drop next to me, a combination of a hard thud and jingling. I turned to see what it was, a bag with… Woah, there are a lot of bits. I guess it did happen, and that weird Discord creature paid me handsomely.
Well, I think another round at the bar is tempting since I’ve sobered up, but… Nah. I think I’ll take all this home with me. Hopefully, for Hearth’s Warming Day, I’ll find where that foal lives and get a little present for him, perhaps leave a little message. I’m thinking, “Thanks for the carrot, kid, from Blitzen.”
