“Vinyl, I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve,” Tavi asks as she styles my mane. My long spikes are pushed down to a more modern posh with each stroke of her brush.
“I have to look more classy to even get close to her.” I feel unstoppable. It has to be the look. That’s why she was playing coy. I didn’t fit in with those fancy pants snobs she had around her.
“To her? Oh Vinyl not again. You’ve been trying to get her attention for months. She just might not be into you. Or even mares for that matter.” Despite her protests Tavi pulls tight on the cords to my corset. I cough as the bands of cloth compress my lungs. Why would ponies wear these things?
“You forget, Tavi, we had a moment,” I sputter as the vise cloth tightens further.
“Yes, but a conversation in the garden, as pleasant as it sounded, is not expressed interest. Did she try to kiss you?”
“No.”
“Hold you close?”
“Nah.”
“Did she say anything to indicate romantic desire?”
“I told you Tavi, it was a vibe. A strong vibe. If I can get close to her this time, we can talk it out. You’ll see.” She tugs the lacing on my back harder, and I feel the frustration in her movements.
“Vinyl, if it was any other mare, I would let you try until you burn yourself out. But this is Princess Luna! You can’t just keep throwing yourself at her like this.” She ties off my laces with her teeth. Kinky.
“So what?! I should just give up!” It sounds stupid. Princess or no, I have to see her. There’s only me standing in my way. Me and a bunch of stuffy coated “upper crust” snobs.
“It might be for the best. I’m worried the guards will start barring you from court if you keep on like this.” She gives me my cane and hat.
“She will see me as more than just some DJ party pony. You ready?” I ask and watch Tavi’s face drop.
“You want me to come with you?!”
“Of course! I need a wing mare to talk me up.” I twirl the cane with a swift motion. It pops back in my hoof thanks to the centripetal motion.
“But but, I wasn’t invited…”
“Neither was I.”
My roommate gasps as if she swallowed her gum. I briefly remember that gum swallowing is bad but I can’t remember why.
“You plan to crash a royal party to try to hit on Princess Luna based on a nice conversation in the garden with her?!” Tavi grows a little paler gray than her normal pale gray.
“It sounds creepy when you put it that way. I’m not stalking her, I just want to talk with her again. See if we have that connection.” I have to see her again. I couldn’t sleep, food wasn’t as good, not even the music held me as it used to. I couldn’t get her out of my mind.
“If it’s that important to you, then I will attend. I know others that have invites so we aren’t sneaking in. We just have to explain the situation. It’s Hearth’s Warming Eve, I’m sure they will understand.” Tavi’s out the door and runs off into the cold night.
I wait in my uncomfortable clothing and try to think of the best way to approach. I could nonchalantly walk in as if I own the place and just approach the Princess as if our souls were united. She would stand there gawking at my perfectly styled mane and beautiful python-like corset and just swoon into my hooves.
That wasn’t likely. Maybe I should send Tavi in first to talk me up. She could casually pull the Princess aside with some orchestra business.
“I just need to talk to you about this Holiday Jamboree I want to throw,” she would say. “It’s going to be delightful. Come, let’s talk details.”
“Oh, of course,” the princess would respond graciously then follow her to a quieter area, maybe the garden.
“This is my proposal, we get all the local musicians to play for the holidays,” she continued, as if this idea could change the world.
“But tonight is the last night of the holiday, are you proposing this for next year?” The Princess would answer.
“Er, yes, and you know who is participating? Only the best DJ in Equestria, DJ Pon3!” Tavi is a smooth talker, she would totally talk me up.
“Oh I know her, we had such an interesting time in the garden recently. I will look forward to this concert.” The Princess’s eyes would sparkle in anticipation of seeing me perform… next year.
That’s not going to work! Why would Tavi say something like that?! It’s much too far away. I need to see her sooner. Like tomorrow or even tonight. I’ll have to tell Tavi that the concert ploy is a stupid idea. We need something better.
I remember an idea from a manga I read once. My wing mare could go to the princess and tell them I have dangerous surgery planned. It might get her to come rushing to my side in concern she’ll never see me again. But what surgery, she’s sure to ask.
Liposuction! I’m sure that’s an awful surgery. Could be deadly. It has the word suck in it, so it must suck.
“Princess, you must come with me quickly,” Tavi would say. “It’s a matter of life and death!”
“I can’t ignore such dire straits. I shall follow you at once!” The Princess would probably respond.
They could go to a secret room or just an empty one. Moonlight would pour through the windows in the back, spreading a sad cold glow over everything. Tavi should speak in hushed tones so it seems as serious as it is.
“What is the problem, Ms Melody?” The Princess would ask, keeping her voice even and measured despite the possibility of danger. Her attention would be entirely on my wing mare.
Tavi could turn away, the news being so dire she dare not speak it directly. It also could hide the tears running down her face at the thought of me under the surgeon’s knife.
“Princess,” she would begin, her voice hoarse and thick with worry. “You know my friend Vinyl?”
“Yes, we shared a very intimate conversation recently.” Her eyes would dull a little as she fondly remembered our shared problems.
“I am worried for her.” Tavi could glance back, studying if the Princess is ready to bear such news. “You see, Vinyl is… she is… preparing to undergo surgery. She might not make it.”
“That would be awful. My world may come to an end if she does not. How can I assist in preventing this horrid fate?” The Princess would be overcome and probably lay on a couch like Rarity does. I’d better tell Tavi to make sure there’s a couch.
“You can meet her in the bar and remind her that cute Princesses like you exist. Maybe even a kiss for luck.” Tavi is so smart she would probably suggest it. Especially if I tell her to.
“But of course. I shall shower the filly with kisses if it shall help. What sort of surgery is it?”
“Liposuction.”
“Liposuction. I have heard of this. Isn’t that the surgery where they remove copious amounts of unwanted fat?”
Wait. Is it? That will mean I have tons of fat I want to lose. I can’t have Tavi say that! I’m not that fat. I don’t think I have any fat I can lose. This won’t work at all!
I glance at the door to see if Tavi returns but only the darkness and cold wind greet me. I have to think of something better to get the Princess’s interest.
What did she say that night that she loves? I think back.
“Oh! I didn’t know anypony else was here.” The Princess of dreams stopped short as she entered the garden where I was sitting.
“Oh, your highness, I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was yours,” I quickly got up. I didn’t want her to see my face, the tears were too fresh. But nothing escapes an alicorn. Or so I had heard.
“Little filly, are you alright? You seem … upset.” The monarch moved close to me, I nearly fell backward over the bench I was sitting on.
“I’m fine, just taking a breather, you know.” I pushed my sunglasses-shaped armor into place. The world couldn’t get behind those.
“I see. The world can be hard for ponies like us.” She said, sitting down. She patted the bench beside her.
“Us?”
“Ponies that are beloved by many.” I sat next to her and she looked at the moon. It lit up her face with a beauty I couldn’t ever describe. Her eyes shone with a pale blue and highlighted the green of her eyes. It was like looking into a lagoon.
“We are doomed to portray the expectations of others,” the glorious alicorn continued. “As well as never being seen for our true selves.”
“Yeah, I totally get that,” I said. I’m pretty sure I was very suave sounding but maybe it was more of a squeak. I hate my voice.
“So, what has the DJ Pon3 so upset?” Those sparkling eyes swiveled to mine. I couldn’t look away. It was like those snakes that hypnotize their prey I read about. But with beauty instead of… whatever they use.
“I I had this relationship… with a mare I liked and, like you said, she was more interested in me as a performer than a real pony.” The pain of that knowledge made me sway a little. “Thought I was just about partying. I I like other things too, you know.”
She nodded her head. “It is hard to find a pony who is interested in you for who you are. I have not even tried to court since my return. I would not even know where to begin.”
“I I could try and help you out with that… when I feel better that is.” I looked at the ground and tried not to think of her. Of course it wasn’t her that hurt. It was the string of ‘her’s. It felt like I was walking a repeating dream with my relationships. All of them ended with the same realization.
“You are sweet. Perhaps I would allow that opportunity. A nice time at the theater or an opera would suffice.” She snickered but I didn’t understand why. “Though the bar sounds equally pleasant and real.”
“Sure. I’ll just let you know…”
I snort as my head whips back up. I think I just fell asleep. I have to figure out the best approach. She did mention the opera. What was that play that’s popular? Something mouse. Inflated Mouse? That must be it. I bet Tavi knows some ponies that work there. She can get us tickets.
“Hello Princess,” I could say, pitching my voice lower so I stop squeaking. “I just happen to have these tickets to Inflated Mouse, and my roommate can’t go. Do you want to go with me?”
“Why Vinyl Scratch, that sounds like an opulent idea! I have been to the opera many times before though.” She would look at me, saddened that I couldn’t take her somewhere new.
“Well, operas are kind of boring, we could share my headphones and come up with what the characters are saying as they sing.” I would offer her my headphones. Maybe I could rig a microphone into it so we could still hear each other.
“That sounds so… fancy word for awesome. I can’t wait. I shall order a private viewing of it so we won’t disturb others and we can cuddle and kiss and totally make out the whole time.” Her cheeks would blush at the thought of all the cool stuff we could do.
“Why wait? We can do those things now!” Then she would dip me, because there is no way I could hold her weight, and those soft lips would-
“I’m back!” The door to the house wrenches open and Tavi, followed by Bon Bon and Lyra, walk in. They look ready to attend the ball. Bon Bon even has a nice dress on—she normally hates those things.
“So, these girls are going to get us in?” I ask, my eyebrow raised above my glasses.
“Yes. And for the last time, take those shades off and put your real glasses on instead.” Tavi yanks the signature shades off my face and hands me my normal boring pair. I look so lame in these, but I put them on anyway.
“Wow, you look really lame in those,” snorts Lyra before it changes into a guffaw. “You look like such a dork, ha ha ha!”
My cheeks redden and I can feel the confidence in this plan fading rapidly. I’m supposed to be cool. These glasses are far from cool.
“Lyra! Stop she’s our friend,” Bon Bon chides her wife that’s doubled over in laughter. “And we’re here to help, remember?”
“Right! I remember, Bonnie.” She pops up like it never happened. “Now let’s get our cover story right on the way.”
“Our what?”
We step outside and a royal carriage pulls over to let us in. Apparently these two were high on the list to get a carriage ride to Canterlot Castle. The couple push me and Tavi in and tell the driver to go. Immediately we get bounced all over the place and I begin to feel a little queasy. This plan seemed so possible until my glasses came off.
“So, identities,” Lyra begins like nothing has changed. She points her hoof at me, and I shift back a little, fearing the words that will follow. “You’re Whinny Latrot, vampire and heartthrob. I can be the Velvet Witch, Whinny’s nemesis and lover. Bon Bon you can be Constellation, the hardened hunter of vampires and Octy-“
“Lyra! We don’t need secret identities!” cries Bon Bon in exasperation. “We’re going as ourselves. The tickets are in our names.”
“Awww, I want to be the Velvet Witch…” Lyra looks down but her eyes sparkle with mischief. It seems like a look she’s used on Bon Bon before.
“No. You really have to stop reading those books.” Bon Bon rubs a knot out of her brow. “We’re going as ourselves and using the plus one on the tickets to bring Octavia and Vinyl in.”
“Which one am I bringing?” Lyra was at it again.
“It doesn’t matter.” Bon Bon waves her hoof at her.
“I’m bringing Vinyl then! She’s fun. We could say we’re swingers. That’s why they’re bringing them.” Lyra winks at me and I feel really uncomfortable. Especially the eye I was getting from Bon Bon.
“We don’t have to say anything Lyra! We’re allowed to bring guests. That’s why it’s a plus one. No pony is going to ask or even care why we have two friends with us.” Bon Bon crosses her forehooves and looks out the carriage window.
“Ok Bonnie,” sighs the imaginative unicorn. She leans against her wife and snuggles abit. It seems to work because Bon Bon slowly smiles.
If anything, the weird suggestions keep my queasiness at bay. I look at Tavi, who of course was trying to distance herself from the conversation entirely. “Hey Tavi, here’s the plan.”
She sighs and gives me that disbelieving face.
The carriage arrives at the castle. And, as always, a door pony opens the door for us. It’s weird being catered to like that, but still not as weird as it is walking in these heels. How do ponies function in these?
“Happy Hearth’s Warming, honored guests,” the door pony exclaims with a bright expression. “Well who do we have here?”
“Bon Bon, Lyra Heartstrings, Octavia Melody and Vinyl Scratch!” Lyra lists us all like she was practicing it on the way.
“Well you mares look lovely,” the door pony says as he looks at the tickets.
“We’re swingers. That's why we brought them!” Lyra practically shouts at the startled attendant.
“No! We’re not! They’re just friends of ours!” Bon Bon stomps her hoof on the ground, nearly taking mine off with it.
“It’s ok, ma’am, I’m not one to judge.” The pony gives the tickets back with a wink.
“But we’re not-“
Bon Bon’s protest is cut off as the pony hussles us in. Guess he didn’t want to cause a scene. I have been to the castle many times but not during a holiday gala. Normally I played in Twilight’s castle for the celebration which was nothing like this. Where Twilight had close loving friends, this place has spectacle. The hallway had wreaths as large as a full sized tree bent in half. Little white lights soar around, lighting the way for the attendees. I try to touch one to see what it is but a gray hoof taps mine to the ground.
“It’s not something to touch, Vinyl,” Tavi hisses at me. “Remember you wanted to be in high society. You must act like it or we will be thrown out.”
“Yeah yeah.” I don’t like having my ideas thrown back at me. But she’s right. I have to keep my eyes on the prize. So I have to find the Princess and give Tavi a shove in her direction.
“It’s lovely,” Bon Bon coos, awestruck behind me.
Now where is-
“Excuse me ma’am,” a voice next to me says. “Are you DJ Pon3?”
My face turns and a small bat pony stands in front of me. I sigh. I don’t have time for this. Weird fan ponies are not why I came here.
“Who wants to know?” I ask. The pony flaps excitedly. I knew it. I had to get away from-
“The, um, Princess sent me to fetch you. It’s a matter of life and death.” The bat pony looks at me gravely. I look around bewildered.
“Uhh, which Princess are we talking about?” I look around trying to find one of them to rule them out. Tavi just stands there, mouth open and eyes wide.
“Princess Luna of course. She requests your presence in a Uhh..” she trails off looking at the ceiling. “an isolated darkened room? How did she put it? Oh well, come with me please.”
The pony guard walks a few steps towards the hallway then pauses when I stand frozen. How did this happen? Am I asleep now? It feels too familiar.
“Ms Pon3?” The guard shakes me out of my stupor with another stage name reference.
“Oh uh right.” I follow but my stomach starts to hurt. Why does this feel so familiar? Is she really in trouble? If so, why come to me? Twilight and her friends would be a much better match for this.
“Through here, please,” the guard opens a door to a mysterious looking room. I glance in hoping to find some clue to why I’m needed. There is only the moonlight streaming through the windows and the darkness. I’ve seen this before somewhere.
“DJ Pon3?” A silhouette in front of the windows calls out to me. It’s definitely the Princess. No other pony is that tall, nor that beautiful even in shadow.
“Your majesty.” I bow. I don’t know what else to do. I’m not good at helping anypony forget a Princess.
“You may rise,” she commands as the door behind me shuts. The guard is outside. It’s just the two of us. If it wasn’t such a dire situation it would be the perfect time to ask her out.
I rose slowly, waiting for the awful truth to reveal itself. The princess stares out the window, I don’t know what she was looking at, maybe the moon. I wonder if she misses something up there.
“Thank you for coming,” she begins again. “I want to talk to you about a concert.”
“A concert? Sure. I can throw a concert.”
She opens her mouth to speak but a small squeak escapes. She licks her lips and tries again.
“I would like you to host a concert for me for the holidays,” she continues.
“Ok when do you want me to play?” I ask. I didn’t have any equipment. I didn’t know how this would be considered a life or death situation either.
“Next year.” The last part of her words came out with a squeak.
“Ok, uhh where do you want it? How many acts? Is it just me?” A million thoughts for what to do steam trained through my head. I wasn’t good at planning stuff. Tavi was much better. Maybe I should get her.
“Sadly I can not attend…”
I stop thinking. Is this what she wanted to talk about? The reason she wants the concert but can’t come.
“I I shall be having a dangerous surgery.” Her voice is shaking. I move closer to offer my hoof in comfort. “It’s -it’s liposuction.” She immediately bites her hoof. Her shoulders shake, she must be crying.
“I heard that surgery sucks. But why do you need it? You seem pretty trim to me?” My hoof found her shoulder.
“I want to look good for -for the opera! Ha ha ha!” The Princess rears her head back in full laughter. Wait a minute! This sounds like my plans. She-she is laughing at me?! I quickly withdraw my hoof in horror.
“Oh, I I am sorry.” Her figure turns and Luna giggles more. “I I think it was so sweet of you to put so much effort in wooing me. I was not laughing at your ideas, I was laughing because you thought you needed such ruses to ask me out.”
“How did you know?” I ask. Can she read my mind? Can she read everypony’s minds? Did Tavi tell her? Wait, how did she know? Can Tavi read minds?!
“Vinyl, I am the Princess of Dreams. Even day dreams, and I am flattered you wanted to ask me out. I didn’t mean to cause offense. I did get us two tickets to Deflatermaus, and rented out the entire theater as you thought. But is that something that truly interests you?” She was close now. So very close. My heart beat at 120 bmp. It was my normal tempo for house music.
“Well I uhh, no not really. I I thought that was something you might like.” A small trace of sadness skips across her eyes.
“I see, it is very thoughtful of you. But if you remember our conversation from the garden, I explained that many assumed what I would like instead of asking me.” Luna moves closer and I fight the urge to embrace her. “I would like to see what a regular pony would do. Perhaps a bar?”
“I’m at the bar a lot.” A million bars and a million different drinks swoop through my mind. Every one of them filled with ponies expecting me to party with them. “How about we just enjoy this Hearth’s Warming Eve celebration and take it from there?”
“You mean as a couple?” Luna’s eye light up like a foal on Hearth’s Warming morning. “I have always wanted to attend a gathering such as this with a pony upon my arm. There are many activities that couples perform that look so interesting. Is that acceptable?”
“You got it, babe er princess.” I’m not sure if that pet name would work for somepony much taller than me.
“Is that a normal couple’s moniker? Please continue to use it. I wish to revel in all the traditions ponies use in relationships.” Luna wraps her hoof around mine. I think I’m floating. My head tilts to check but her words snap it back to the mare. “Including this ‘making out’ you dreamed of.”
“You got it, babe!”
