Why can’t I find a human gift?!
Starlight in the human world
“Dear Sunset Shimmer,
Hi! It’s been a while since I wrote to you. I hope you’re doing great. I was hoping we could meet up soon. It’s Hearth’s Warming here and I need to find a gift for my boyfriend. He would probably be fine with an old vase or something like that, but who wants a girlfriend that gives you a vase? Sounds boring to me. Anyway, I think it would be cool to find something from your world to give him. Let me know if you can. No pressure or anything.”
These were the words that appeared in my book from Equestria a few days before Christmas. It was signed with a diamond with two swirls above it. I was pretty sure it was Starlight.
I quickly looked around the room. There were boxes and boxes all over the place. I couldn’t entertain her here and now.
“Just a minute,” I hurriedly said as I stuffed the chaos back into my closet. It was then I realized I was talking to a book.
I sighed. She didn’t even say she wanted to come over. I cleaned my room for nothing. By “cleaned” I mean I stuffed it out of sight—that’s probably clean. I plopped back into the chair I was reading in and pulled out a pen.
“Yeah, sounds good. I’m free for a bit. The girls are with their families at their homes today. I think they’re mostly decorating or something. I wouldn’t mind some company.
SS”
I put the pen down and waited. I didn’t like the idea of sitting around my apartment cleaning. I could see the girls tomorrow.
“That’s great, how long should I wait to go through the portal?”
Guess she was as excited as I was. Well, I didn’t want to keep her waiting too long. Ten minutes was all it took to walk to the portal at school. So I gave myself fifteen.
The cold frost-filled air hit me in the face. I put my hands into my puffy warm coat against the bitter breeze. As magical as this time of year was, it was still freaking cold. I tried to take small steps so my legs wouldn’t brush against my icy pants. How did they get so cold? Weren’t they just warm a minute ago?
I made it to the statue base just as a pink hand popped out. Luckily, no one else paid attention. I ran the rest of the way, and grabbed the hand to steady her.
“Aaah! Who’s there?!” Starlight cried as she materialized out of the bridge between worlds.
“It’s just me, Starlight.” I said pulling her the rest of the way out. She instinctively tried to bend to all fours but I held her upright. They always do that.
“Oh, right … feet.” She said looking down on her boot-covered foot. It was lucky the gate made clothes for everyone as they came out. If a bunch of naked girls started popping out of this spot there would be boys everywhere.
“You seemed like a natural last time you were here. Twilight tried doing everything like a pony for at least a day.” I snickered at the memory of my mentor trying to use the keyboard with her fists.
“Well, it is a pretty big change,” Starlight giggled and glanced at her tailless rear.
“Yeah, I still forget how different it is for ponies that don’t come here that often. I think if I went over there, it would take just as long to remember how to be a pony again.” I shivered as I realized that was probably true. Equestria was no longer my home, and that feeling shook me.
“You ok?” My friend was pretty intuitive, it seemed.
“Oh, yeah. Let’s get going. Have you eaten yet?” I began to walk away from the portal. I didn’t need to go back. Not yet.
“I had some oats for breakfast.” I nearly forgot what the pony diet consisted of. Time to blow this girl’s mind.
“Have you ever had a pizza?” I asked hoping she hadn’t.
“Oh yeah, I love those! My favorite is pineapple.” She said it like it was a good thing that should be enjoyed.
“Pineapple?! Why would you do that to pizza?!” I felt like my best friend had suddenly turned out to be three winterchillas in a person suit.
“Because it tastes great! That sweet pineapple on top of a melty cheesy slice. It’s the perfect combo!” She was spouting nonsense! Maybe some sort of portal illness?
“But you haven’t had pepperoni yet. You can’t declare that fruit thing the top until you have at least tried that.” It was a basic staple of pizza. The next layer of taste beyond plain cheese.
“Fine, but you have to try my ‘fruit thing’ too.” It was a declaration of war. I begrudgingly agreed and made a mental note to ask Twilight to check my friend for brain damage.
{hr}
“This is pepperoni,” I said, presenting the steaming melted slice of pure heaven.
“Wow! That smells good! It’s made of peppers?” She took the plate from my hand and peeled off the round slice of pig? Beef? It was some sort of meat.
“Not quite.” I knew the pony palette wasn’t used to meat, but their human bodies enjoyed it. I was hoping we could just enjoy the delicacy without explaining where it comes from. I would have to look on the phone to find out anyway.
Starlight took her first bite and immediately I saw the reaction. Her eyes sparkled and her body shook in glee. It was the same thing I did.
“This is delicious! What are these things? Pork? It tastes like pork.” She inspected the red meat again.
I stared at her for a long time saying nothing. She continued eating until she finally sighed. There was a small period where she forced the food down her throat.
“It’s nothing weird, ok? Twilight heard I came here that one time and thought she would prepare me for this world. She taught me how you use a human bathroom and what kind of things you eat. Meat being one of them.” She shrugged.
“Yeah, that sounds like Twilight,” I agreed. I was kind of bummed I didn’t get to see her enjoy it for the first time though. Worse than that, the pineapple… thing was waiting for me.
“Are your taste buds ready?!” Starlight cried, shoving the slice in my direction.
“Something like that.” My hand shook as I took the unnatural concoction. I took a bite. It was strange. Pizza was not something that was supposed to be sweet. The grease from the cheese and acid from the pineapple mixed in my stomach in an unappealing way.
I could taste both flavors individually but my mind had difficulty putting them together. It was like eating a sandwich and cheeseburger flavored chips. Both were good by themselves but completely unnecessary together. Why have a side that tastes like an entree?
“Well?” Starlight’s eyes lit up as I swallowed the abomination.
“You can have the rest of my slice.” I pushed my plate to her and her face dropped. Then she shrugged and took the offensive food and destroyed it. She reached for something in her pocketbook and I immediately put out my hand to stop her.
“I got this.” I said pulling out my wallet. “Do you even have money from here?”
“I brought about fifty bits with me.” She began to fish around in her bag and pulled the large sack laden with coins.
“Don’t show that here. Equestria currency is made of gold!” I hissed then glanced around, making sure I wasn’t overheard. “We have to sell a bit or two to get you some cash. We just have to melt off the Equestrian makings. It could cause suspicion if they were found. We don’t want portal bandits.” Starlight nodded and quickly put the sack in the bag again.
{hr}
“So is 500… dollars a lot?” Starlight asked me as we left the jewelry store. We were able to deface the coin easily enough with a lighter. Two bits was more than enough.
“Well it depends on what you’re looking for,” I explained. “If you’re buying him a souvenir or something you should have plenty. If you’re trying to buy a computer or a cell phone you don’t have enough yet.”
“Computer? Cell phone?” Starlight cocked her head sideways. She looked like a confused puppy. It was adorable.
I pulled out my cell phone and showed her some of the things it could do. Her eyes went wide as she found various apps and internet memes.
“This is amazing! How much more do I need to get him one of these?” The light in her eyes shone brighter as she looked at me with phone lust on her face.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned it. Cell phones don’t work in Equestria.” I tried the last time I was there, but signals don’t cross over the barrier without magic.
Her shoulders slumped and sighed. “It sounded too easy.”
“What sort of gift are we looking for?” I prodded, easing the cell phone from her hands. A sad pout followed but she quickly recovered.
“I want to find something that’s unique to here but is still usable for ponies. In short, I want something to blow his mind.” She balled hands up in fists and stared at a sight I couldn’t see.
“I see. Well I don’t really know him, so I can’t give you much help there. But I can bring you to the mall.” We started walking in that direction, the cold wind buffing our coats.
“As long there isn’t some crazy pony trapping our friends in a mirror, heh heh. There isn’t, is there?” She looked around a little nervously. I laughed.
“Not that I know of. Remember it’s ‘person’ here, not ‘pony’. But if another bout of Equestrian magic shows up, we’ll stop it.” I placed my hand on her shoulder and nodded.
The walk to the mall wasn’t long, and I learned about Sunburst, her boyfriend, on the way. Sounds like Twilight was very helpful. She got all motherly on her pupil everytime the word ‘boyfriend’ was brought up. Then she woke up at weird times in the night worried about transmutation circles and portals to the void.
The thought of Twilight freaking out about boys made me remember her crush on Flash Sentry. I guess the pony version wasn’t like the human one and felt too nervous around a princess. Flash and I didn’t have the same connection we used to, and things didn’t work out. Maybe I should try again.
“This is it!” I declared triumphantly as we stood in front of our small, one-floored, hallway of merchandise we barely use. Since the internet, shopping really didn’t have the same feel it used to. Malls carried so little compared to the vast variety of online stores. But still, it was a good place to go in a pinch.
“We really didn’t get to see many stores last time. What with all the magic and the saving and maniacal laughter, why do they always do that?” Starlight placed her knuckle to her chin like a pony would. I wasn’t going to correct her.
“We were both villains. Why did we do it?” I raised an eyebrow at her.
“It felt right at the time, I guess. Seeing from the other side it makes it more of a taunt.” She looked at all the stores as we entered and was drawn in by a frozen yogurt stand. “Oooo, that looks yummy.”
I followed and joined her in the sweet treat. My brain started to wander over the various items in my world that could be useful to a pony. There wasn’t as much as I thought. They didn’t have electricity, so nothing like that. Clothing wouldn’t work; ponies rarely wore clothes and they were cut completely different. Food would work, but the way Starlight spoke it sounded like she was looking for something more permanent. Something Sunburst could cherish.
“Ooh, what’s that?” Starlight pointed at a round disc in the store window.
“That’s a Zoomba™. It vacuums the floors on its own, kind of a robot that cleans for you.” Another electric gift.
“And that?” She pointed to a set of sneakers sitting on a golden disc that spun.
“Those are sneakers. You wear them on your feet.” I pointed to her own sneakers and realized they looked a lot like the ones on display. Equestrian magic kept up with trends, it seemed.
“Heh heh, oh. Guess they won’t work for hooves. But then they might disappear like these do. I wonder how it knows. I mean, I love this hat,” she said, adjusting the real slack beanie on her head. “But when I got home it was gone.”
“Same with this awesome jacket I wear,” I agreed, remembering my trademark look disappearing as I crossed between worlds. It caused a lot of ruckus when the school had to evacuate a boat through Equestria. Suddenly being a naked pony in front of everyone… I shivered.
“Whoa!” The strange clothing conversation was cut off as Starlight spied a gleaming tower of cards. Well, the cards didn’t gleam, but their booster packs they were wrapped in did. The glow reflected in her eyes was celestial. “What is that?!”
“Oh that’s a card game. Friendship: The Gathering™, it’s big with ner- I mean smarter people that don’t have that many friends.” I coughed a little, realizing most of my friends and Starlight herself fit into that category.
“It’s a game!” Starlight squeaked as she moved closer to bright golden packets. Her hand trembled as she reached out to touch one.
“Yeah there are five different elements, each one corresponding with a color, and you send out your envoys to make friends with other cards or the other players. I never actually played, but I know some that almost live it.” Trixie was infamous for popping up out of nowhere to challenge someone to a Friendship game. Pinkie was the best player in Canterlot.
“This is perfect!” Starlight cried as she tried to hug the display. “It’s a game, highly collectible and nothing like anything I have seen in Equestria.”
“I think you’d want to start with these.” I pulled out a starter set from the display. “It has two full decks so you and Sunburst can play together.”
“That’s great! Sunburst and I used to play games all the time! Of course we don’t do that as often now, but we could.” She held the gift close like it was a precious baby. I guess it would be ‘foal’ to her.
“Uh, are you sure that’s what you want?” We had all this time. There wasn’t any rush.
“This is definitely it!” She was already paying for the decks. I didn’t even see her leave.
“Okay, good.” I breathed a sigh of relief. Even though it wasn’t me shopping I still wanted the trip for her to work out.
We spent the rest of the day learning the game and making sure Starlight knew all the little rules to it, as well as buying her the hat she was already wearing. We needed to test this clothing debacle.
{hr}
It was a week later and Christmas was in sight. I was going to hang out with the girls at the tree lighting festival when my Equestria book flashed again. I was curious about how Sunburst received his gift, and about the hat, but Hearth’s Warming was the same time as Christmas so she shouldn’t have given it yet.
I opened the book.
“It’s me again, Starlight,
I can’t believe it! I was shopping in an old game-and-hobby store looking for a gift for Trixie when I saw Friendship the Gathering cards! Here! I asked the clerk about them and he said that craze came and went. They were old here! How did they get here? Did it start here and go there or visa versa? Is somepony sneaking to your world with our things or just the idea? What’s worse is I still don’t have the gift for Sunburst?! I know it’s close to your holidays and you probably have plans, but if you could help me find something else I would be grateful.
SG
Oh and the hat is still here? Does the portal know I bought it? It fits my pony self perfectly. Magic is wearing sometimes.”
How did this happen? Friendship: The Gathering wasn’t that old a game, but it is in Equestria. I think it’s time my friends and I figure out how it got there. Maybe there’s more than two portals around. Or maybe more people know about them than just us. It’s not like there were guards around them or anything. Is that something we should do now? First I had to help Starlight with this gift.
I reached for my phone to call Pinkie Pie, but it rang as soon as I grabbed it. The caller ID said Pinkie. I should have known.
“Hello?”
“Do you know who this is?” Pinkie’s voice was pitched low and grizzled.
“Hi Pinkie.”
“The Pinkie Sense has you.” She continued her impression. “Do you want to know what it is?”
“I know what it is, Pinkie.” I sighed she’d been watching those movies again.
“Good, then I don’t have to tell you,” she squeaked. “And told me you need to cancel our date for the tree lighting because of a friend emergency.”
“Yeah… date?” My blood froze. Was this supposed to be a date? I thought we were hanging with the gang.
“Date, hang out, same thing really.” She laughed it off.
“Not really. Pinkie, are you trying to go on a date with me?” It definitely was not something I had anticipated.
“Better get back before Starlight has an aneurysm. Seriously, write her back! Bye.” The phone call ended and I was left wondering what in the world that was about. But if she said talk to Starlight fast, she meant it.
My pen splotched the page as I pulled it out and started writing.
“That’s impossible-sounding, but I can help if you need. We could meet up, maybe-“
My paragraph was cut off as Starlight began writing back instantly. Had she just been sitting there, staring at the book for my answer?
“Thanks! You’re the best. See you in a few minutes.”
The penmanship was horrible, like someone wrote it as they ran by. Or ran away, like to the gate and might be going through now. I stood, closed the book, and bolted for the statue.
Starlight was there looking around on the ground. I was pretty sure the grass in Equestria was the same. It looked like she lost something. Don’t tell me she lost her money.
“Starlight?”
“Sunset!” She popped off the ground and hugged me. She didn’t look as… stable as the last time she was here. Her eyes twitched and her hair was curled in places. Then I noticed she wasn’t wearing her hat.
“What happened to your hat?” I asked, looking past the strange hungry look she had on her face.
“I don’t know. I couldn’t find it when I came over. Do you think it’s because I bought it here and brought it back and now it’s in Equestria? If I bought these clothes I’m wearing and brought them back would I be naked when I came over?” She stared at the wrinkled shirt and pants.
“I don’t think we should test that. So your gift, how could the game be over there first? Were the pictures the same? Did it have the same manufacturer?” I guessed if it was close at all it would probably have a horse pun.
“That’s not important,” she said, grabbing my shoulders and giving me a light shake. “I have to find another gift for Sunburst!”
“Ok ok, we can go back to the mall alright? Though I want to know how—“
She was already marching off towards the mall. I felt like I was talking to a more violent Twilight.; she was completely focused on the task at hand. Or, at least the part that she thought was important.
“Hey!” I said running after her. “Wait up! There will be plenty of things still there. The mall isn’t going anywhere.”
“I need the maximum amount of time in case I can’t find anything.” She marched at a speed walker’s pace.
“I’m sure it won’t be that bad. You found the first gift in a few minutes.”
Three hours later I ate those words. It seemed most of the useful things ponies could use were already invented in Equestria.
“This makes no sense! How can humans and ponies think of the same exact things?!” Starlight was getting a little loud. I decided it was time to stuff food in her mouth. I pressed her into the food court. “Even our mugs are the same, and we don’t have hands!”
The food took most of the hangry out of her, but I could tell she was still frustrated. “It’s weird but I think these dimensions are linked more than with just a portal. Maybe ideas we think travel through them and connect to our counterparts on the other side.”
I waited for my thoughts to sink in. I spent a lot of time wondering how humans grew up and acted just like their pony versions when they obviously grew up in very different circumstances. Was our personality inherent or did it develop by environment?
“I would love to spend all day talking about how portals might work and our worlds might be linked but seriously I need to find this gift.” Starlight’s twitchy behavior and hair curls had increased throughout the day. We needed to find that huff before her head exploded.
“We could get him a human plushie,” I said half joking. “Bet Equestria doesn’t have those.”
“I … could.” Starlight began to think.
“Please don’t. Those things give me the creeps.” Dolls, stuffed people and statues with staring eyes were the most horrifying things in the world. There’s a reason so many horror films feature them. They’re evil.
“No, I don’t think he would like it—but, maybe some human things that he can look at but can’t use might work.” She looked around and stopped at an art kiosk.
“Huh, I think that would be different. Human paintings are definitely unique to this world and ponies can use them in the same way.” It might unnerve some ponies that weren’t used to what we look like though.
She practically sprinted to the booth and started looking at the different selections. Many were landscapes but a few were people doing people things. Running together, hailing taxis, wearing hobo clown makeup and looking sad, the weird things that people want on their wall.
“Look at this one!” Starlight cried excitedly. She pulled a large frame out, groaning a little. It was a light blue painting of a couple by a lighthouse. They were hugging and the wind was blowing the stylish hat off the ladies head, but her focus was on the man holding her.
I felt a pang of longing looking at it. It seemed so carefree and cozy. The wind blowing through your hair and the freedom of love. It wasn’t something I experienced before, but I wanted to. The strange date conversion with Pinkie popped into my head and guilt rushed through me.
“You don’t like it?” Starlight asked, reading my face.
“Oh, it’s beautiful. It just reminded me of something… weird.” I didn’t know what it was, other than weird. It was an avenue I had never considered and wondered if I should. That could get awkward real quick though. Or would it?
“I love it too. I think this would be perfect for us and it’s so unique.” She bought it and wrapped it in foam sheets to protect it.
“Wheh, that was a great idea. I don’t think I would have thought of that.” I walked back to the statue with her. She seemed eager to get back. I was hoping I wasn’t too late for the tree lighting festival. I had some things to talk about with Pinkie.
“Well, thanks again. This should work perfectly. Have a Happy Hearth’s Warming.” She gave me a hug.
“You have a merry Christmas.” I said in the embrace.
“I will.. whatever that is.” She waved again and the air blasted out of our world into the void that gapped the two dimensions. I could picture Twilight asking her a million questions about today and coming up with even more reasons why our worlds were so similar.
I was about to grab my phone when it rang again. “Hello, Pinkie,” I said without looking.
“Meet us at Center Park! It’s starting soon!” Pinkie sounded a little nervous. It made my suspicion more valid.
{hr}
A loud banging on my apartment door woke me up. Was it still dark out? The blanket was covering my face. I pulled it off and found the burning embers of the sun rising in my window. It was sunrise o’clock in the morning! Who the heck wakes up that early?
I wrapped myself up in a thick robe. It wasn’t as warm as my blanket but at least it was better than my thin pjs. I was ready to clobber whoever was behind the door when I remembered the excitement in Pinkie’s eyes from last night. It calmed me a little.
“Pinkie, how many goodbye kisses do you need? And hello kisses should start at-“
I froze as I opened the door. On the other side was Starlight, red faced and looking more disheveled than the day prior. I couldn’t tell if she was upset or in shock.
“Starlight?”
“Pinkie?” She said in a confused stare.
“No, I’m Sunset. Sunset as in not sunrise. What’s wrong? Why are you here so early? Or at all.” I wasn’t grumpy per se, but I definitely needed my coffee.
“The stupid portal changed it!” She said bursting with a new level of frustration and anger. She strode in and looked like she was going to throw something. I gave her a pillow.
“That painting was perfect! Just what I wanted! But now… it’s a unicorn and a pegasus hugging each other in front of a lighthouse! Like all the other ones like that. It’s not that unique at all!” She threw the pillow which happily flattened itself against the TV. Luckily the TV was sturdy and only wiggled.
“That’s annoying.” I said flatly. I really needed some coffee.
“Tell me about it. I have two days, and I have no idea what to get him now!” She flopped on my couch and looked at the floor. I decided the coffee wasn’t making itself until I told it to. I turned it on and listened with anticipation to the dripping that started the process.
“I… I feel so defeated. Is there nothing in your world that’s different that can work in Equestria?” She sighed.
“There has to be something.” I wracked my brain. Something that was less obvious. Cars, computers, phones, they were all electronic. Most appliances ran off of electricity, and human toilets would not work for ponies. “Are you sure you don’t want to try food?”
“It won’t be hot by the time I get it back.” She sighed.
My mind spun with a myriad of possibilities, but none of them fit. How could you find something that was definitely human that won’t change through the portal? Only one thing I could think of could work. Memory.
“I have a crazy idea.” I said finally.
Starlight looked up, her eyes wide. “Crazy? I can do crazy. I’m pretty much there now.”
“What if you invited Sunburst here as his gift. He’ll get to see the human world and can take it back with him unchanged.” It sounded as sane as a non-morning could be before their coffee.
“You’re joking,” she laughed. I stood firm. “You’re not joking. Bring Sunburst here?!”
“You know what, you could make it a date. A Hearth’s Warming date that all our friends can help you with.” Perhaps just the smell of the coffee brewing was helping to clear the cobwebs. “We could find a nice romantic restaurant, a breathtaking view, and some nice music to enjoy.”
“That sounds nice.. I just can’t wrap it.” She smiled a small exhausted smile.
“No but you could wrap him. In a blindfold, and take him through the portal. I think being human for a while will blow his mind like you wanted.” I could feel all the pieces of the puzzle starting to come together.
“Ok, I am liking this idea, not sure he will at first.” She stood up and walked towards me with renewed zeal. “Maybe you can bring Pinkie.”
My face froze. “Wha- why would I bring her?”
“Mmm, something about good night kisses?” She narrowed her eyes at me but winked.
“Maybe I will bring Pinkie, then, but don’t blame me if she does her normal Pinkie pizzazz. “ I laughed and finally poured my coffee. Another cup moved next to mine and I poured her some too.
“You don’t know how much you helped.” Starlight said genuinely.
“It’s what we ex-villians do for friends.”
“Yeah, we do.”
