To you, What am I?

by Bit-By-Bit Studio

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Queen Chrysalis, Slice of Life, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 2140

Found by the human yet again, Queen Chrysalis decided now was the time to ask him a question.

The changeling queen retreats to the deepest and surprisingly peaceful parts of the everfree forest. Isolating herself from every-pony. Though she did good and well in hiding, she couldn’t escape a certain someone in particular…

Written by Bit-By-Bit Studio

A/N: This is a side-story to an upcoming fan-written project that I’m working from the ground up, and this story takes place two years before "To you, I love dearly."

Featured: 24/12/2022

Featured: 25/12/2022

Published 2022-12-24 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-05-12 09:40:05 UTC

To You, What Am I?

Watching streams of water fall onto the small lake in front of her was calming; relaxing; soothing. It made her feel peaceful in a way that she didn't know she could be at all. She wasn't sure if it was because he had a good mind for his thoughts or because of the fact that she felt the need to calm down. Whatever it was, she found it therapeutic and she never took the time to enjoy herself as much as she did now.

Not that she could enjoy herself anyway. In all honesty, it was rather difficult to feel happy when everything that had happened seemed to weigh on her shoulders. When she tried to smile or laugh, they all came out sounding like a strained gasp. Not only that but she also couldn't stop staring at her reflection in the water of the lake. It wasn't like there were too many reasons why she felt so terrible right now but the one thing she noticed was that it was all centered around him. That was something that she just could not understand.

He hadn't done anything wrong and yet every time she looked at him, she felt guilty for the first time. Guilty that she had almost annihilated him not once, but three times because he refused to fight her. Guilty that she spat ill words and names that would've been worse than death at him. Guilty that she incinerated many of his gifts that he’d made for her. Guilty of everything.

She hated this feeling. The guilt that weighed heavy on her heart, the anger that seethed within her. She shouldn’t even feel this much guilt. She’s the Queen of Changelings, an incarnation of evil and yet every time she looks into her own eyes, she sees an enemy and hates herself even more because of it.

Despite everything she had done, despite all the harm she had caused others, including Alan. The person she hated, he never held it against her. He treated her normally; asked her if she wanted to talk about what bothered her. Of course, she always declined the offer. Out of disgust of his kind heart, she would always decline. She had to make him realize that she would never tell him anything, not a single word.

But even though it would be better to let everypony think that she was nothing more than a monster, a demon who deserved to rot in Tartarus with the other monsters and demons, instead of making friends like him. He’d offered her friendship and yet every time she turned it away. Everytime she rejected it because of her hatred for him, he wouldn't blame her for it. Instead, he'd accept it with kindness and understanding. It was infuriating; it hurt. But he always showed her compassion. So what did that mean? She knew, deep inside her heart, that no matter what she does, no matter how much she tries, the results are bound to be the same. Alan keeps coming back. He keeps caring. He’s always there for her; even when she doesn't deserve it.

A tear escaped from her eye. How does he do it? How could a simple boy like him be so forgiving and nice? He has no reason to forgive her, especially after all the pain that she’s caused him, he has no reason to care for her. And yet, he’s still trying. Even if she didn't accept his friendship, even if she acted cold towards him, even if she attempted to push him away, he's still trying. For what reason? Is he really this naive? Or is he truly just that selfless? It was infuriating and frustrating just thinking about it.

Alan’s face flashed in her mind. His gentle expression and his bright green eyes; his warm and kind disposition. The way that his lips curl upwards as he speaks or laughs. But what really shook her heart in confusion was his smile. It wasn’t a smirk, like her father's. It wasn't a sarcastic expression either. No, Alan’s smile was sweet; honest, and sincere. He didn’t put on a facade for anyone else. He smiled at those who he cared about. A real smile that warmed her soul and left her breathless.

And he’d still be smiling now. It still made her wonder if his cheeks were hurting so much due to him smiling for so long. Would he ever tire of this smile? Of seeing Alan smile? Seeing his genuine emotions being reflected in him? Was she the cause for this smile? Was she the reason for him smiling? Had she somehow made him smile more often without noticing?

Chrysalis sighed. Bringing her left hoof up, wiping away a tear that fell, she brought it down quickly. There was no point in dwelling on things that would only make her sad. Crying wasn't helping her, nor was it going to get the answers she needed.

“Hey there.”

Her head whipped to her shoulder in surprise to see Alan standing behind some bushes. He wore the same red hoodie along with some blue jeans. His left arm was in a sling and bandages wrapped around it. Despite the wound appearing fairly fresh, his right leg seemed to be okay; though still a little weak compared to his usual.

“I was hoping I’d find you here.” Alan said, taking slow steps towards her. Chrysalis glared at him as he approached.

“Leave.” Her voice came out harsher than intended. She didn’t want him to be here; especially not after what happened yesterday.

Alan stopped walking, raising a brow. “Why? I just got he–”

“Just leave!” She snapped. Alan opened his mouth to retort but closed it again, rubbing his nape as he glanced away.

“I saw that you weren’t at the hive, Thorax told me that you weren’t in your room, so I figured that you might be here. And, well…” Alan’s voice trailed off.

“Well, what?” She asked, growing slightly annoyed by his silence.

“So, uh… how are you doing?”

Her glare intensified at his words. “Just leave.”

“But I—“

“GO!” She roared.

Alan recoiled but remained firm in his spot. Chrysalis turned away from him with tears threatening to come out of her eyes again. It had been a while since she’d lost control and shouted like that. Usually, she kept herself contained and controlled when she went into this state. She was strong enough to hide her vulnerability under her icy exterior, but this time… it’s different.

This time, her emotions are leaking out of her and it’s not pretty. Just him being here is only making it worse.

“Chrysalis.”

No response.

She continued to stare straight ahead, biting her lip and trying to keep back sobs. Alan stood still, unsure of what exactly he should say. He wanted to reach out to her but he didn’t know whether or not that would help her in any sort of way.

“Why…” She whispered so softly, he nearly missed it. Her chest rose with each hiccup that escaped her body. “Why are you insistent on coming back?”

For the first time, he noticed that her hooves were shaking and her face had paled significantly.

“Why are you insistent on being alone?” Alan questioned, keeping his gaze fixated on her back.

Chrysalis remained quiet for a moment, not able to answer his question. She didn’t have the courage to meet his eyes. She knew that there was only so much she could say to explain herself to him.

Once again Alan advances slowly on her until he reaches her side, sitting down cross legged beside her. The two sat silently, listening to nature. The trees moved gently as leaves fluttered in the air and small birds chirped. The warmth of the sun filtered through the leaves and casted itself over the two of them. After what felt like an eternity, Alan finally spoke up.

“You know, not gonna lie,” he chuckled lightly before continuing. “You picked the right spot to hide. This place looks peaceful, quiet even.”

Chrysalis scoffed quietly. She couldn’t help it; she wanted to laugh at his remark but decided against it. Her nose scrunched up as she thought about his sentence. Peaceful maybe. But she hadn’t chosen such a place because she liked tranquility. It simply was.

Chrysalis glanced at Alan as they sat. He was still smiling contently. There has to be something wrong with him. To her personally, it just wasn’t normal to be so cheerful, to look so content, to be smiling.

“Alan.” She called, breaking his peaceful demeanor as he looked at her with curiosity.

“Yeah?”

She took one last glance to his smiling expression before turning her gaze down, looking at the ground below her.

“Did your mother drop you when you were a baby?” Chrysalis asked bluntly.

“Wha—no, she didn’t. Why?” Alan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“Just curious.” Chrysalis replied simply. “Still doesn’t explain why you’re so happy all the time.”

“What’s wrong with being happy?” Alan asked.

“It’s unrealistic,” Chrysalis explained flatly. “You should know well that life isn’t just positive and if you ignore the negativity, it will catch you unannounced. Dragging you into despair is inevitable. It’s inevitable that life won’t be as pleasant as it seems. It may never be.”

“But I don’t, Chrysalis. I’m well aware of the negative side of life.” Alan stated with a frown.

“Then tell me, how in equestria are you so happy?!” Chrysalis demanded. “How can you look at everything with such brightness in your eyes every single day? You act like a child who's been given the world.”

Alan didn’t respond immediately. Instead, he let out a short breath as his gaze shifted towards the horizon. “Simple,” he said finally, smiling. “I just am.”

“Unbelievable,” Chrysalis sighed, looking down at the water.

“Not really,” Alan laughed lightly. “Mother Celestia once told me that life always tries to take us down, but that we can rise above our circumstances. If we’re willing to stand against adversity then life will show us the path to happiness and love.”

“That sounds ridiculous.” Chrysalis scoffed.

“No, it doesn’t.” Alan shook his head. “Mother Celestia is wise beyond my years. It was because of her I learned about that kind of belief.”

“She sounds like quite a character,” Chrysalis remarked sarcastically. “She must know a lot if she taught you that.”

“She did. Not just her though. Mother Luna also taught me to never allow your past actions to affect your future or change the course of your life. That way, your present is set in stone and you will never be forced to repeat those decisions again. No matter how difficult things are in your past, the good in your life will outweigh the bad. Don’t let the past dictate your future.”

Chrysalis was silent, refusing to look at him. She doesn’t need advice or coaching from the likes of this man. A naïve blubbering fool is all he is.

The two sat in a comfortable silence as they watched the birds flying high in the sky. Chrysalis stared into her reflection on the lake, her questions mirrored within it.

“What am i…?” Chrysalis muttered.

“Huh?” Alan glanced at her quizzically. Chrysalis snapped her gaze back towards his, glaring angrily.

“To you, what am I?” She repeated, narrowing her eyes dangerously.

Alan blinked at her statement before crossing his arms. Looking up into the forest, he began to speak: “Others may not agree; and something tells me you wouldn’t agree either.” He looked back at Chrysalis and smiled. “But to me…You’re my friend.”

She narrowed her eyes. “And that makes you an idiot, doesn't it?” She hissed. “I don’t want your friendship.”

Alan’s smile grew a little wider. “Maybe not. But you not blasting me could be a start. You never know…maybe one day you’ll come around.”

“You seem awfully confident in yourself for a blubbering fool who clearly knows nothing,” Chrysalis sneered. “Yet you keep coming back no matter what. Even after knowing I’ve tried to destroy you countless times. How can you remain so calm throughout it all?”

Alan shrugged. “I guess I just find that there’s no reason to be afraid. I trust you.”

Chrysalis glared at him. “You shouldn’t trust me.”

“I know I shouldn’t…but I want to.”

With a growl, Chrysalis averted her attention away from him, focusing entirely on the water instead. She didn’t respond, choosing to ignore everything going on around her.

‘This fool…’ She thought to herself. ‘Is a strange, strange man…”

Author's Note

This will be my last tease to the fan-written story that I’m working on bit-by-bit, (you see what I did there lol). Hope you all enjoyed the story and have a good day!