Iron nails didn't taste good. Not that she was actually eating them, duh, it was just easier to keep a few nails secured between her puckered lips than fish one from the depths of a pocket. Or from the cardboard box sitting on the stool right next to her.

Pthew.

*WHAM*

*WHAM*

*WHAM*

It's the economy of motion, my little ponies! It saves a precious second or two just for the price of an icky, no good, absolutely horrible taste of rust and blood in your mouth. It's all scientific 'n stuff. Just trust me bro.

[JUDGMENT]

Bah, everypony's a critic.

Pthew.

*WHA-WHAMWHAM*

Congratz, me. A nailhead driven sideways into the wood. A real sign of a professional, there. A break and a good swig of sarsaparilla would do real good at this point.

[OBSERVATION]

A good point, other me.

I slowly bent my back backwards to unleash a couple of pops from my aching vertebrae, straightened again to set my hammer on the stool and did a totally-

-☆RADICAL☆-

-480 degree twirl around my loadbearing fat ass to end in an absolutely awesome, no-way-lame pose towards the nefarious duo who had dared to approach me from the periphery of my sight.

"-ting things to talk about. Come on, Twilight, just try!" A purple-green lizard (?) goaded his decidedly more purple and annoyed pony-friend towards me. Her, an unknown pony, probably new to the town. Me, the totally funtalicious gal-pal, the local freakshow. It was honestly a little funny to see the little creases of annoyance on the face of little miss Purple straighten real-quick as she finally turned her eyes towards me. A simple inarticulate sound escaped from the lips of the stranger.

"Uhhhhh…"

Yeah, that tracks. Time to save the day. I plastered the most friendly expression on my face I was capable of, took a grip of the pony's hoof for a good vigorous shake and let loose my inner monologue. "Hidey-ho, friendlirino! I noticed I haven't seen you around here so I gotta say, welcome to Ponyville! We don't get a lot of strangers here despite being just next to the Canterlot, if you can believe it. The city-slickers like to hop between their concrete jungles but I tell you, there's a whole lot to see in places like these! And the ponies are way friendlier! Just ask anypony and they will help you with a smile to boot!"'

I gave a quick glance past the head of the clearly overwhelmed pony. A bead of sweat ran down the back of my head. "Ah, the name's Pinkie and uh wow, are those two royal guards back there? I guess you two are big shots or something, related to the Summer Sun Celebration I assume? Oh wow, I haven't even asked your name yet." My cheeks hurt. "So yeah, uh, hi?" I stopped shaking the hoof and let go.

The lizard watched me slack-jawed and the unicorn did little inconspicuous stretching motions with her overstressed hoof (oops?) while her eyes did a fast once-over my gnarly anatomy(look at dem guns). "Yes, I am Twilight Sparkle and this is my assistant Spike. I came here to check the preparations of the Summer Sun Celebration on behalf of the crown."

Oh Celestia, she is a big shot. Deflect, deflect! No looking at lit-, uh, big ol' me! "Wowzees! I can give you directions if you need 'em but otherwise I gotta stay here and finish this stall." I patted the said half-built wooden stall. "The big holidays tend to attract all the merchants from the woodwork. Lotsa bits to be made yanno?"

Twilight blinked and turned to her assistant. "Right. Spike, the list please."

The lizard (or is it a dragon?) visibly hopped in place at being addressed and brought up a scroll of paper from somewhere. "Ah yes, Summer Sun Celebration official overseer's checklist. Number one, banquet preparations: Sweet Apple Acres."

I perked up at that. "Oh that's easy, just follow the road south and you end up there in a few minutes of walking. Applejack is the head honcho there, just ask her. Anyway, toodle-oo! Work waits for no-one!" I promptly turned around, grabbed the hammer and shimmied behind the stall to do some busy-work.

Relief washed over me as I heard the sound of hooves and legs move further away. I walked back to my nailbox to get some actual work done when I noticed one of the other ponies in the plaza looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I snorted. "Oh buck off, Rivet."

[INDIFFERENCE]

And buck you too, other me.

▪︎ ▪︎ ■■■ ▪︎ ▪︎

I gave a light kick to the nailbox to reorientate it just right under the counter and slumped down on my custom 100%-Pinkie approved chair and reached for my well deserved glass bottle of cherry soda. Ah, it is good to be me. I pan a look over my glorious kingdom of shop racks full of gleaming metal tools, cans of paint, stacks of lacquered floor boards ( Twenty bits for a square, ponies!) and whatnot. All part of Pinkie’s Hardware, the rootin-tootingest shop in Ponyville for all your building needs. And owned by me. Well, about eighty percent of it. Sawdust still owns his share from the time the place was still called Tooth and Nail. Gasp, dentistry and hardware in one combo? You better believe it! Though that’s all in the past, now. It has already been two years since Dusty moved to live closer to his five sisters back in Fillydelphia and sold the shop for pittance to his most reliable cashier, me.

The Pink-Throne(™) I got modified from the big dentistry chair is pretty much the only sign left of the old service. It isn’t easy to find a comfortable chair when one has weirdo hip-bones like me and a poofy-fluffy pinky-winky tail replaced with one of fat and muscle a length of about pony-and-half with not a single strand of hair on it. Oh and a set of pretty pretty retractable gills- (I unfurled the gills for a second from their twin apertures at the end of my tail and got a bit of dust stuck in them, eugh) -so I got that going for me. Not that I can rely on them in water for longer than five minutes tops before I get woozy. Not very functional, those.

I tipped the rest of the cherry soda down my throat, dropped the empty bottle in its own rack for recycling and focused my mind on what was next on the agenda. Well, the shop’s closed for the holidays and I got the charity slash advertisement work done in the plaza. The flower sisters better like their new shop stall, I built it to last through everything short of a buck from Macintosh. I glanced at the wall clock. Ah, I see. Lunch time. Mere sugar water won’t keep you running no matter what one would wish otherwise.

▪︎ ▪︎ ■■■ ▪︎ ▪︎

I tipped my imaginary hat for a blue pegasus at the sky who reciprocated with a smirk before I stepped into the Cafe Hay. You thought I would go straight to Sugarcube Corner? Nuh-uh, my friends, I told you I don’t run on sugar only and that’s about all you can get from that particular slice of paradise. Instead what I am going to eat is a glorious hoof-long sandwich stuffed full with assorted greenery and a few filets of mackerel. That’s right, gotta get some protein down this malfunctioning gullet. No synthesizing it from plant-matter for me. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am the only reason gryphon-food is still kept on the menu because as I told you earlier, this town really isn’t the most popular of a train stop.

I did my best to resist the urge to shove the whole thing at my face and gross out the rest of the customers before walking to my chosen table. I spared my hip joints the pain by shoving a chair to the side and let my weight be supported by my big fat tail only. The muscles in it could support me through the comparatively short lunch but any extensive use would be sure to ruin it. It was pretty much the theme for this sack of meat. Capable of a whole lot of stuff but not particularly good at any of it.

I munched my sandwich and stared inattentively into the horizon. Of all the things I inherited from my old body it had to be my old taste buds. I never liked fish as a little filly when I tried it as a dare. At least the years of variable fish diet managed to desensitize my taste buds to the horrors I have managed to stuff at my face and nowadays the fish was merely a ‘meh’. Still a long way from the yummy goodness rest of the ponies got to enjoy.

A sound of quick flapping interrupted my morose introspection and a light blue pegasus with rainbow hair planted herself on the opposite side of the table. “Miss me, Ponkers?” The mare, the myth, the legend, Rainbow Dash herself decided to bless me with her presence, with her trademark grin no less. She pulled a long oblong object wrapped in deli paper from under her wing and deposited it on the table.

“Guess what I got here?”

I slowly lowered my half-eaten sandwich on my side of the table.. “Well hello to you too, Dash. A steaming hot mystery rod, why, it-” The little hint of smile forming on my face and slight tremble of shoulders was enough to alert Rainbow of what I was about to say as she quickly ripped the paper open to reveal another sandwich just like my own. The deadpan stare on her face finally triggered my mostly restrained guffaws and snorts.

“It’s a sandwich, Pinks. A sandwich. Get your mind out of the gutter. You know, I used to eat fish regularly when I was still in flight school with my then best friend Gilda.” Her expression turned a little wistful. “Oh, to see a meeting between you two. It would certainly be something.” Rainbow took a big chomp out of her own meal. “Delish-hush.” Crumbs of bread skipped across the table. I quickly grabbed my own sandwich off the table to ward it from contamination from Dashie’s… Dashiness. Hey, even I got some standards, folks.

“What’s stopping you?” I continued before the inevitable question for clarity. “Y’know, send her a letter or something. I wouldn’t mind meeting one of your old friends. The more the merrier.”

Rainbow used her hoof to trace a little circle on the table in the midst of violent chewing. “Weh-ell, uhm.” Gulp. “I definishely would if I knew where she is nowadays. We didn’t exactly keep in touch after school. For all I know she is living somewhere in Griffonstone. And I bet you have heard of that place. A parcel sent there could end up just about anywhere.” Dash shoved the rest of her meal in her mouth (while I still got about a fifth to go), crushed the deli paper into a ball and tossed it at the open rubbish bin.

It bounced off the side of the opening-

“Darn.”

-and dropped into an open trash bag sitting on the ground next to it.

“Yess.” She did a quick hoof-pump and then seemed to remember something.

“Oh right, speaking of friends and fun to be had, Strawberry decided to move the yearly ‘Sun ‘n Booze’ -party to the old library. ‘Parently Mayor Mare spilled that Her Royal Overseer, Twilight Something-or-other will use it as her accommodation for a night and if you can believe it, Strawberry, the madmare as she is, decided to double the party as a “Welcome to the Ponyville” -gavanza.” Rainbow flailed her front hooves over her head for emphasis. “A high and mighty noble slumming with us lowly mudslingers. Bwahaha! It will be a disaster, I tell you.”

I snorted in good humor and tossed my own wad of paper into the bin. Score! “Sounds fun. I met the Twilight fellow and her pet lizard in the morning just as she landed in the Train station square. Girl’s eyes were about to pop off her head as she saw me.”

Rainbow Dash bent forwards with a wide grin. “Really? I met her too actually, a real stick in the mud. Dared to question my skills on clearing the weather, hmph. Ruffled her hair with a good Rainbow Dash Special and she didn’t even seem impressed! If them’s the standards, I gotta do something real extra to draw the Wonderbolts’ attention tomorrow.”

Eyes flickered towards the sun. “Oh right, time’s a wastin’, gotta polish them moves some more.” The eyes focused back to me. “Golden Oaks, sixteen o’clock. See you there.”

“Yeppers, you can count on it. Couldn’t call myself a real partymare otherwise.” I watched as the pegasus rocketed up at the sky, atomizing a stray cloud as she went and causing the trash bag to spill with the backdraft. I rose up on my feet and walked nonchalantly past a waiter visibly ticked by the extra work she just got.

Ah, parties. I glanced at the pink hair covering my otherwise unadorned flanks as I walked. Some things you just can’t separate from a mare.

Author's Note

I got the idea for this story stuck in my head for years. I think it was during season 3 when I originally came up with the idea. There was a whole slew of plot-notes written somewhere, probably on my last laptop before I threw that machine into garbage. I remember basically nothing of the plans of that time.

Three days ago I got this inexplicable urge out of nowhere to actually write this thing. The words spewed out of me like no tomorrow, ideas popping up at the speed of clacking of the keyboard. It was bizarre. I have never written fanfiction and published it anywhere, a thing that shows I bet.

I hope the momentum keeps on.