Crumbs of Pie

by Jovial_Shake

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Mystery, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life
Length: 7182

A random chance forces Pinkie Pie on another path of life.

Once upon a time there was a little filly called Pinkamena Diane Pie. She left the rock farm she called her home to see the wider world. Some time later something else entered the town of Ponyville. A something that called herself Pinkie.

Years later we follow the story of this trainwreck of a creature skipping in the periphery of world shaking events and other strange happenstances. There’s tales of ponies who are not only beings of smiles and sparkly rainbows, but also beings of bones, flesh and questionable bodily fluids. Even in the world of magic and friendship it isn’t glitter that flows from a workpony’s hoof after an unfortunate strike of a hammer.

The glitter covered bandaid one may slap on said wound is another matter, though.

(This story is hosted on Fimfiction only. If you see it elsewhere it is work of a vile fiend.)

Published 2022-12-25 17:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-12-27 09:07:15 UTC

Chapter 1: A well worn yoke of fate

Iron nails didn't taste good. Not that she was actually eating them, duh, it was just easier to keep a few nails secured between her puckered lips than fish one from the depths of a pocket. Or from the cardboard box sitting on the stool right next to her.

Pthew.

*WHAM*

*WHAM*

*WHAM*

It's the economy of motion, my little ponies! It saves a precious second or two just for the price of an icky, no good, absolutely horrible taste of rust and blood in your mouth. It's all scientific 'n stuff. Just trust me bro.

[JUDGMENT]

Bah, everypony's a critic.

Pthew.

*WHA-WHAMWHAM*

Congratz, me. A nailhead driven sideways into the wood. A real sign of a professional, there. A break and a good swig of sarsaparilla would do real good at this point.

[OBSERVATION]

A good point, other me.

I slowly bent my back backwards to unleash a couple of pops from my aching vertebrae, straightened again to set my hammer on the stool and did a totally-

-☆RADICAL☆-

-480 degree twirl around my loadbearing fat ass to end in an absolutely awesome, no-way-lame pose towards the nefarious duo who had dared to approach me from the periphery of my sight.

"-ting things to talk about. Come on, Twilight, just try!" A purple-green lizard (?) goaded his decidedly more purple and annoyed pony-friend towards me. Her, an unknown pony, probably new to the town. Me, the totally funtalicious gal-pal, the local freakshow. It was honestly a little funny to see the little creases of annoyance on the face of little miss Purple straighten real-quick as she finally turned her eyes towards me. A simple inarticulate sound escaped from the lips of the stranger.

"Uhhhhh…"

Yeah, that tracks. Time to save the day. I plastered the most friendly expression on my face I was capable of, took a grip of the pony's hoof for a good vigorous shake and let loose my inner monologue. "Hidey-ho, friendlirino! I noticed I haven't seen you around here so I gotta say, welcome to Ponyville! We don't get a lot of strangers here despite being just next to the Canterlot, if you can believe it. The city-slickers like to hop between their concrete jungles but I tell you, there's a whole lot to see in places like these! And the ponies are way friendlier! Just ask anypony and they will help you with a smile to boot!"'

I gave a quick glance past the head of the clearly overwhelmed pony. A bead of sweat ran down the back of my head. "Ah, the name's Pinkie and uh wow, are those two royal guards back there? I guess you two are big shots or something, related to the Summer Sun Celebration I assume? Oh wow, I haven't even asked your name yet." My cheeks hurt. "So yeah, uh, hi?" I stopped shaking the hoof and let go.

The lizard watched me slack-jawed and the unicorn did little inconspicuous stretching motions with her overstressed hoof (oops?) while her eyes did a fast once-over my gnarly anatomy(look at dem guns). "Yes, I am Twilight Sparkle and this is my assistant Spike. I came here to check the preparations of the Summer Sun Celebration on behalf of the crown."

Oh Celestia, she is a big shot. Deflect, deflect! No looking at lit-, uh, big ol' me! "Wowzees! I can give you directions if you need 'em but otherwise I gotta stay here and finish this stall." I patted the said half-built wooden stall. "The big holidays tend to attract all the merchants from the woodwork. Lotsa bits to be made yanno?"

Twilight blinked and turned to her assistant. "Right. Spike, the list please."

The lizard (or is it a dragon?) visibly hopped in place at being addressed and brought up a scroll of paper from somewhere. "Ah yes, Summer Sun Celebration official overseer's checklist. Number one, banquet preparations: Sweet Apple Acres."

I perked up at that. "Oh that's easy, just follow the road south and you end up there in a few minutes of walking. Applejack is the head honcho there, just ask her. Anyway, toodle-oo! Work waits for no-one!" I promptly turned around, grabbed the hammer and shimmied behind the stall to do some busy-work.

Relief washed over me as I heard the sound of hooves and legs move further away. I walked back to my nailbox to get some actual work done when I noticed one of the other ponies in the plaza looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I snorted. "Oh buck off, Rivet."

[INDIFFERENCE]

And buck you too, other me.

▪︎ ▪︎ ■■■ ▪︎ ▪︎

I gave a light kick to the nailbox to reorientate it just right under the counter and slumped down on my custom 100%-Pinkie approved chair and reached for my well deserved glass bottle of cherry soda. Ah, it is good to be me. I pan a look over my glorious kingdom of shop racks full of gleaming metal tools, cans of paint, stacks of lacquered floor boards ( Twenty bits for a square, ponies!) and whatnot. All part of Pinkie’s Hardware, the rootin-tootingest shop in Ponyville for all your building needs. And owned by me. Well, about eighty percent of it. Sawdust still owns his share from the time the place was still called Tooth and Nail. Gasp, dentistry and hardware in one combo? You better believe it! Though that’s all in the past, now. It has already been two years since Dusty moved to live closer to his five sisters back in Fillydelphia and sold the shop for pittance to his most reliable cashier, me.

The Pink-Throne(™) I got modified from the big dentistry chair is pretty much the only sign left of the old service. It isn’t easy to find a comfortable chair when one has weirdo hip-bones like me and a poofy-fluffy pinky-winky tail replaced with one of fat and muscle a length of about pony-and-half with not a single strand of hair on it. Oh and a set of pretty pretty retractable gills- (I unfurled the gills for a second from their twin apertures at the end of my tail and got a bit of dust stuck in them, eugh) -so I got that going for me. Not that I can rely on them in water for longer than five minutes tops before I get woozy. Not very functional, those.

I tipped the rest of the cherry soda down my throat, dropped the empty bottle in its own rack for recycling and focused my mind on what was next on the agenda. Well, the shop’s closed for the holidays and I got the charity slash advertisement work done in the plaza. The flower sisters better like their new shop stall, I built it to last through everything short of a buck from Macintosh. I glanced at the wall clock. Ah, I see. Lunch time. Mere sugar water won’t keep you running no matter what one would wish otherwise.

▪︎ ▪︎ ■■■ ▪︎ ▪︎

I tipped my imaginary hat for a blue pegasus at the sky who reciprocated with a smirk before I stepped into the Cafe Hay. You thought I would go straight to Sugarcube Corner? Nuh-uh, my friends, I told you I don’t run on sugar only and that’s about all you can get from that particular slice of paradise. Instead what I am going to eat is a glorious hoof-long sandwich stuffed full with assorted greenery and a few filets of mackerel. That’s right, gotta get some protein down this malfunctioning gullet. No synthesizing it from plant-matter for me. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am the only reason gryphon-food is still kept on the menu because as I told you earlier, this town really isn’t the most popular of a train stop.

I did my best to resist the urge to shove the whole thing at my face and gross out the rest of the customers before walking to my chosen table. I spared my hip joints the pain by shoving a chair to the side and let my weight be supported by my big fat tail only. The muscles in it could support me through the comparatively short lunch but any extensive use would be sure to ruin it. It was pretty much the theme for this sack of meat. Capable of a whole lot of stuff but not particularly good at any of it.

I munched my sandwich and stared inattentively into the horizon. Of all the things I inherited from my old body it had to be my old taste buds. I never liked fish as a little filly when I tried it as a dare. At least the years of variable fish diet managed to desensitize my taste buds to the horrors I have managed to stuff at my face and nowadays the fish was merely a ‘meh’. Still a long way from the yummy goodness rest of the ponies got to enjoy.

A sound of quick flapping interrupted my morose introspection and a light blue pegasus with rainbow hair planted herself on the opposite side of the table. “Miss me, Ponkers?” The mare, the myth, the legend, Rainbow Dash herself decided to bless me with her presence, with her trademark grin no less. She pulled a long oblong object wrapped in deli paper from under her wing and deposited it on the table.

“Guess what I got here?”

I slowly lowered my half-eaten sandwich on my side of the table.. “Well hello to you too, Dash. A steaming hot mystery rod, why, it-” The little hint of smile forming on my face and slight tremble of shoulders was enough to alert Rainbow of what I was about to say as she quickly ripped the paper open to reveal another sandwich just like my own. The deadpan stare on her face finally triggered my mostly restrained guffaws and snorts.

“It’s a sandwich, Pinks. A sandwich. Get your mind out of the gutter. You know, I used to eat fish regularly when I was still in flight school with my then best friend Gilda.” Her expression turned a little wistful. “Oh, to see a meeting between you two. It would certainly be something.” Rainbow took a big chomp out of her own meal. “Delish-hush.” Crumbs of bread skipped across the table. I quickly grabbed my own sandwich off the table to ward it from contamination from Dashie’s… Dashiness. Hey, even I got some standards, folks.

“What’s stopping you?” I continued before the inevitable question for clarity. “Y’know, send her a letter or something. I wouldn’t mind meeting one of your old friends. The more the merrier.”

Rainbow used her hoof to trace a little circle on the table in the midst of violent chewing. “Weh-ell, uhm.” Gulp. “I definishely would if I knew where she is nowadays. We didn’t exactly keep in touch after school. For all I know she is living somewhere in Griffonstone. And I bet you have heard of that place. A parcel sent there could end up just about anywhere.” Dash shoved the rest of her meal in her mouth (while I still got about a fifth to go), crushed the deli paper into a ball and tossed it at the open rubbish bin.

It bounced off the side of the opening-

“Darn.”

-and dropped into an open trash bag sitting on the ground next to it.

“Yess.” She did a quick hoof-pump and then seemed to remember something.

“Oh right, speaking of friends and fun to be had, Strawberry decided to move the yearly ‘Sun ‘n Booze’ -party to the old library. ‘Parently Mayor Mare spilled that Her Royal Overseer, Twilight Something-or-other will use it as her accommodation for a night and if you can believe it, Strawberry, the madmare as she is, decided to double the party as a “Welcome to the Ponyville” -gavanza.” Rainbow flailed her front hooves over her head for emphasis. “A high and mighty noble slumming with us lowly mudslingers. Bwahaha! It will be a disaster, I tell you.”

I snorted in good humor and tossed my own wad of paper into the bin. Score! “Sounds fun. I met the Twilight fellow and her pet lizard in the morning just as she landed in the Train station square. Girl’s eyes were about to pop off her head as she saw me.”

Rainbow Dash bent forwards with a wide grin. “Really? I met her too actually, a real stick in the mud. Dared to question my skills on clearing the weather, hmph. Ruffled her hair with a good Rainbow Dash Special and she didn’t even seem impressed! If them’s the standards, I gotta do something real extra to draw the Wonderbolts’ attention tomorrow.”

Eyes flickered towards the sun. “Oh right, time’s a wastin’, gotta polish them moves some more.” The eyes focused back to me. “Golden Oaks, sixteen o’clock. See you there.”

“Yeppers, you can count on it. Couldn’t call myself a real partymare otherwise.” I watched as the pegasus rocketed up at the sky, atomizing a stray cloud as she went and causing the trash bag to spill with the backdraft. I rose up on my feet and walked nonchalantly past a waiter visibly ticked by the extra work she just got.

Ah, parties. I glanced at the pink hair covering my otherwise unadorned flanks as I walked. Some things you just can’t separate from a mare.

Author's Note

I got the idea for this story stuck in my head for years. I think it was during season 3 when I originally came up with the idea. There was a whole slew of plot-notes written somewhere, probably on my last laptop before I threw that machine into garbage. I remember basically nothing of the plans of that time.

Three days ago I got this inexplicable urge out of nowhere to actually write this thing. The words spewed out of me like no tomorrow, ideas popping up at the speed of clacking of the keyboard. It was bizarre. I have never written fanfiction and published it anywhere, a thing that shows I bet.

I hope the momentum keeps on.

Chapter 2: The gaze above

I raised my claw to grasp the doorknob of the Golden Oaks library when the door bursted open on its own. Two pairs of hooves emerged from the darkness inside and dragged me in. "Quick, Pinkie, get in! She is almost here!" The door slammed shut behind me and I blinked my eyes rapidly to get them adjusted to the darkness. The only light came from a small window above a bookshelf. A pastel blue pegasus, Cloudkicker, sat on top of the shelf with binoculars pressed against the window glass.

Well then. "Who is?" Another set of hooves begun to drag me past the throng of dark silhouettes. Wow, it's packed in here.

The familiar voice of Rainbow Dash emerged from my side. "Twilight Sparkle. And Spike too. He's a dragon apparently, can you believe it. A baby one. Anyhoo, Flitter just came a minute ago and informed the two were trotting towards here along with Fluttershy just a two streets over." A fruity smelling glass was placed in my claw. "We-"

"SSSSHHHH! They're here! Mouths shut!" Cloudkicker screeched from her perch and tucked the curtains in front of the window.

…

*clop*

*clop*

*clop*

*clunk-creaaak~* A duo of one tall and one short figure were briefly seen against the light pouring from the open door before it shut in a mighty-

*SLAM!*

"Huh. Rude much?" Spike's voice was heard.

"Sorry, Spike, but I have to convince the Princess that Nightmare Moon is coming, and we're running out of time! I just need to be alone so I can study without a bunch of crazy ponies trying to make friends all the time. Now, where's the light?"

"SURPRISE!"

The house was flooded with light, streamers and incoherent cacophony. I blinked away the spots of light dancing in my vision. Rainbow was outright cackling as Strawberry Sunshine was doing her usual funky dance routine around the visibly flabbergasted dragon and mare of the hour. I raised the mystery liquid to my lips. Sip.

Hmm, punch it is. Apples, lemons and… raspberries? The alcohol though, well. I dipped a claw into the liquid for my arguably best utility trick I could do nowadays.

[̸̣͉̈͌#̶̝͈̋#̸̫̼́#̸̲̉̚#̸̗̜́#̸͍̞̓͝]̷̢̪͗

Claw off and a sip. Whee! That's a proper punch! The usual pony dosage was pretty much nothing to someone with a mass like me. I repeated the trick as Rainbow raised her cup to me with an expectant gaze.

"Hack, wheeze! Pinkie, you-" I couldn't help but laugh at the raspy wheeze coming from my friend's throat. "Haha! Aww, Dashie, little too strong for you?" I swung my hoofed foreleg around her shoulders. "Come on, I see Davenport with a deck of cards at the kitchen table. I bet ten bits I can defeat you in a game of scat."

▪︎▪︎▪︎■■■▪︎▪︎▪︎

"Trips." I dropped my triple nines on the table and groaned as Fluttershy meekly placed a Full House on her side right after. A small mound of peanuts got pushed towards the yellow pegasus which she accepted with a faint blush. At some indeterminable point of the night the stakes of real cash and scat shifted to whatever snacks were available and plain poker. I was about to round up the cards littering the table back to the deck when a certain lampshade-wearing dragon shuffled to my side.

"Hey, Pinkie wasn't it?"

I nodded.

"Say, I have never seen somepony like you before. If it isn’t too rude, could you tell me what species you are?"

Ah, of course.

I gave the card deck to Davenport who accepted it with practiced stoicism and rose up from the table. My head towered over the crowd of partygoers. "Would you believe me, if I told you I once was just a regular old earth pony filly?"

Spike looked visibly surprised. "Wha- but, you are all- you know. What happened?"

I drew a dash of water from the kitchen tap to my fairly crusty glass. The kitchenette was rather small, not much leg-room with the table 'n all. "One day I was walking along the road from my home south from here towards Ponyville, nothing interesting was happening, the sun was shining." I walked slowly towards the roomier center of the library, the baby dragon trailing behind me.

"And then! BAM!" I slammed a hoof against the floor. Spike jumped. "I tripped on a rock."

The dragon blinked slowly. "You tripped."

"Yeah, and then I fell into a ditch." The expression on the dragon got decidedly more deadpan. "A ditch." I raised a claw to sign that there was more to come.

"And then..."

I upended the glass of water into my parched maw for a dramatic pause.

"...I EXPLODED!" I flung four of my six limbs towards the ceiling to pantomime a mighty conflagration, eyes bulging. "From that day forwards I was no mere filly, but Pinkie! One of a kind wonder in this land of ponies."

"A likely story."

Tsk, a sceptic. I waved with a hoof to draw the attention of a nearby familiar face. "Hey Strawberry, remember the big hole I left on the southern road back then?" The yellow pegasus with a mane as red as her namesake hopped towards me with a grin on her face.

"Ah, yes." The pegasus twirled on one of her rear hooves and fell towards me as if fainting. She fell on my waiting arms and batted her eyelashes upwards at me. "'Twas a day when the whole Ponyville saw a great plume of smoke rise to the sky south of town. Many a pony rushed to see the cause of the commotion." Spike listened enraptured. "There they found a blackened pit where there was none before. Thirty meters wide and about five meters deep, bisecting the road in two. The ponies were baffled, what could have caused such a thing?"

Strawberry rolled back on her own hooves and wiped imaginary dust from her coat. Her voice conveyed decidedly less sense of wonder as she continued her tale. "A soot-covered mound of flesh dragged itself upwards the slope of the pit, leaving a trail of blood. The ponies carried the wounded creature back to the hospital, from where its shrieks of pain could be heard even the very next day."

I rubbed my chin. "Yeah, I remember it felt like I was hacking up a whole lung."

"It might as well been a whole lung, dear." A white earth pony interrupted from a crowd. Ah, yes nurse Redheart. "It was during my training year. Imagine an inexperienced little me carrying a vomit bin in which my patient just horked a lump of flesh. It was memorable, if anything."

I turned my head back towards the clearly revulsed Spike. "So there. Did that help with your original question?"

The dragon fidgeted. "Uhm, that still didn't quite explain why you are no longer a pony."

[□□□□□]

I grinned, showing a few of my pointier teeth. "Ah, that's a whole other tale for another day. Hmm, it is getting close to the sunrise, isn't it. Maybe you should rouse Twilight up from her nook. It wouldn't do to miss the thing you came here for in the first place, don't cha think?”

▪︎▪︎▪︎■■■▪︎▪︎▪︎

The glassware clinked against each other in the kitchen sink as I did my best to eradicate the remnants of sugary cocktails with a brush. The few novelty crazy straws in the mix were especially stubborn to clean up. I was just beginning to wonder if the crust had been in them even before the start of the party when a hoof tapped the back of my midsection.

"Hey Pinkie. Time Turner and Royal Pin volunteered to take care of the rest of the mess. Let's get home." I wiped my assorted wet limbs on a towel before turning to exhausted looking Davenport, brown fur sticking to every which way. The two other stallions were busy sweeping off a patch of glitter some dumbass had decided to spill on the library floor.

"Not interested of the Summer Sun Celebration?" I quipped.

Davenport sniffed and started walking towards the exit with an eyeroll. "Oh please, I would like to get at least a few hours of sleep before noon. Even this has made me consider skipping the whole thing altogether next year." The door opened to the cold night air, which smelled especially fresh after being suffused for hours in the musky party air inside.

"Maybe you are just getting old, 'Port."

The brown stallion sniffed again, but with a hint of smile this time. "Maybe, maybe. Now what about you, how has the self-proclaimed partymare like you decided to abstain from once a decade party? Who is the one feeling the ache of old bones, again?"

"Pshh, don't joke. I am almost half your junior." I switched to a more posh gait and to an expression of disinterest and mild constipation one can see on those with great self-importance. "And that celebration could hardly be called a party. It's just oohs and aahs and maybe a little polite clopping against the floor if they feel especially wild. Not my scene." I twirled my wrist vaguely in the air to complete the performance.

"THE HORROR! THE HORROR!" We turned as one as Lily, one of the flower sisters, popped up from somewhere screaming, barged right past us and disappeared behind the buildings right after.

*crickets*

I alternated a look between the direction the mare came from and where she went, seeing nothing. "I know it's Lily, but do you think we should be worried?" I barely managed to finish the sentence when Bon Bon, the local candymaker trotted forth, looking spooked.

"Hey, you!" she practically hissed. "Everypony get back to your homes, lock the doors and windows, grab a bat or something. We got a real situation here!"

Well then. Davenport nodded at me and promptly started powerwalking towards his home nearby. It isn't the first time some never before seen monstrosity decided to wade into the town from the forest. Better not stay and dawdle. Wow, that's a big knife Bon Bon's got between her teeth. Serrated and all. Somehow things start to look way more worrying when a candymaker looks ready to go to a war and gut somepony. Maybe some more info would be necessary.

"What's the threat?"

Bon Bon squinted at me. "Celestia has disappeared. Some black alicorn attacked the party, blasted the royal guards unconscious and threatened to plunge the world into eternal night. Now SCRAM!" I yelped at the force of her growl and started moving as fast as could with my mismatched feet.

I weaved through the mostly empty streets, illuminated by the light of the stars and moon alone. I saw a few individual silhouettes of ponies quickly rushing somewhere, likely to their homes. A feeling of dread grew ever greater in my gut. Finally I turned a corner and saw the hardware store and the apartment I lived in on its second floor. The key slotted to its keyhole on the first try and in a moment I was inside. Now what.

"Hey." A voice emanated from behind the counter where a silhouette of a stocky figure sat.

"SWEET CEL-" Hey, i knew that voice. "-Estia… Lugnut, is that you?"

"Yep," Lugnut, the elderly stallion and the only employee I got helping at the store, answered. His form shifted and a lumberjack axe was lowered on a patch of moon-illuminated surface on the counter. Geez, I was quickly getting tired of all these tools of murder. I stroked the fur covering my shoulders repeatedly, willing the goosebumps to settle.

Lugnut started to rumble again. "It's end of the world, I heard. Nightmare Moon has come to turn us all into shish kabob."

I sighed and circled around the counter. Lugnut's scraggly face grew in definition as I got closer. "You were at the party that got attacked?" I asked as Lugnut gave way for me by shifting from the Pink-Throne to a more uncomfortable wooden stool next to it.

"Nah, but my bedroom window points right towards the town hall. The blasts of blue lightning seemed rather intimidating. The chorus of fright from the ponies running away told the rest." We turned to stare over the low shop racks and out of the twin big store windows at the front. Nothing seemed to be moving in the street. Creepy. I didn't like the silence either.

"Nightmare Moon, you said? The old boogie-mare they tell to frighten little fillies?" The balding stallion nodded in affirmation. "And doesn't the end of the world sound a little bit like exaggeration? And what are you doing here anyway, you got your own house, ya old lump."

Lugnut took the axe back to his grip and patted its head affectionately. "I live alone in my home and I remembered you do the same. More the merrier and all that jazz. The end of the world? Hrmm. We shall see, won't we?" How reassuring.

I didn't come up with anything else to say and Lugnut was, well, Lugnut. Instead we just kept looking out of the windows. In the past I liked watching the night sky from time to time.

The twinkle of the stars.

The shining moon.

Now, I found out it all didn't look quite so comforting anymore.

▪︎▪︎▪︎■■■▪︎▪︎▪︎

I startled awake and felt something wet and heavy pressing on my chest.

"Nyeergh," it said.

Oh, it's just Lugnut. We must have fell asleep while still sitting behind the counter. I guess he leaned over towards me in his sleep, spreading his old stallion drool on me in the process, eww. And he was still hugging his axe. I picked it from his slackened grip with one claw and was about to shake him awake with another when I realized how bright it was in the shop.

The sun.

The day has come.

Author's Note

I have read a lot of fanfics on different sites and saw many readers needling the authors about detailed descriptions of what one particular thing means, what happens next and countless other questions that just make me baffled. It will all be told in time and if not, it is just intentional fuel for imagination.

Now I have found myself deriving plenty of amusement of providing no accurate description of what Pinkie actually looks like. To the potential impatient I say:

It will all come in due time. Maybe in bits and pieces, but come it will nevertheless.

Chapter 3: A pillar of silver

The day after the so-called Long Night was strange and short. Strange as the town was veritably buzzing with outlandish rumours such as friendship beams of destruction, dead alicorns, living alicorns and there being a whole new princess being around. The last one was the most persistent one as there was a vocal minority claiming to have witnessed the new princess along with Celestia near townhall getting a flowery wreath lowered on her neck in a joyous fanfare. The apparent briefness of the event meant very few could claim of being there to see it so there were a lot of ponies thinking the tale was just a bunch of hooey.

There were even some who kept saying the whole Nightmare Moon thing was just a hoax and a cover story for Celestia sleeping late along with loud proclamations such as "Oh that poor mare" and "They should let her get a vacation, for once".

Whatever was the actual truth Celestia herself didn't seem to think the extended nighttime was an excuse to mess with the yearly calendar so the "longest day of the year" ended up being quite short as the night came again in its appointed time.

The next morning I woke up feeling strangely drained and detached. It didn't help that after unfurling the rolled up newspaper next to my steaming cup of tea I found myself face to face with a blue alicorn with a slightly confused expression printed right on the front page. After getting over my brain's sudden non sequitur of "Who's this douchebag?" I had to rub some sleep-crust off my eyes so I could focus on the text on the paper.

PRINCESS LUNA RETURNS FROM EXILE.

Huh.

I took an obnoxiously long slurp of tea before re-reading the sentence again.

Hmm, yes.

Quite.

[ADMONISHMENT]

I physically jerked up and almost spilled the tea on the newspaper as the sudden reprimand from my mental passenger interrupted me from reading the same thing for the upteenth time. I massaged my forehead with a grimace. This darn brain-fog made everything so difficult.

I need to get some fresh air.

Yes.

I jerked again from the brief stupor, folded the newspaper angrily and poured the rest of the tea down the drain. I took a glance over my smallish but well-loved three-room apartment and then stomped the stairs down to store proper.

The stairs led me behind the same counter I spent my night/morning/whatever -vigil a little over a day prior.

Lugnut was sitting on my throne as usual, leafing through a wholesale catalog. As I came he briefly raised his eyes to greet me.

"Good morning, boss."

Lugnut was an old, balding earth pony stallion whose appearance of a bony, angular face and slightly overweight body gave him a strangely contradictory appearance. The washed-out beige fur didn't help him looking any younger either. Overall, his constitution gave a mental image of a slightly sagging pile of cardboard.

Personality-wise I couldn't hope for a more dependable pony to help me with keeping the store running.

I answered his greeting with a vague grunt, felt a brief stab of guilt of making him deal with my various idiosyncrasies along the long years and snatched a clipboard from the counter containing the currently relevant orders placed by our customers.

The words were getting fuzzy before I even got to the end of the first line and I dropped the clipboard back to its place with a growl. A sudden noise interrupted my thoughts of unfocused anger.

"Hey, uh." My eyes zeroed on my usually nonchalant employee who was looking uncharacteristically contrite. "Sorry about the drool and ehh," he worked his jaw. "practically sleeping on top of you."

Aww, was he blushing? "Don't worry about it. No, really, I had already forgotten the whole thing."

Lugnut hummed as assent and ducked behind his rumpled catalog. I resumed my quest for fresh air and marched towards the exit. Lugnut could take care of the shop today on his own, it was his shift after all.

"Have a good day, boss."

I paused my stride at the doorway and turned my face back at Lugnut. "You too, Lugnut," I said with a smile and continued walking with a slightly better mood.

▪︎▪︎■■■▪︎▪︎

I walked north to a pier standing at a beach of the Sparkling Lake and bellyflopped unceremoniously into the water. I let the currents lead me where-ever they wanted as I floated with just an occasional thrust to keep me from beaching. The waves and the sun blazing above lulled me into a sort of serene meditation.

I lied earlier when I said that my body was not really good at anything. The water was a much better environment for my mobility than lugging myself along the roads could ever be. At the street I had to drag my fat behind along the coarse cobblestones or tense my muscles for a prolonged time to keep the tail in the air. Muscles that would protest at their abuse sooner than later.

Two of my limbs, the right front one and the left of the middle pair ended in lizard-like claws that were better at grasping things in a precise manner than using them for body-supporting legwork. All this resulted in painfully sprained wrists and stiff, clumsy claws if I ever decided a jog around the entire town was a good idea.

In the water it was a whole 'nother story. My tail was more flat than round and worked as an excellent paddle to propel me around. Add to it the six limbs for steering and a torso that was slightly more sinuous than for a normal pony I could say I was far faster in water than most of the population in town.

The pretty blood-red gills that looked sort of like two gigantic feathers? Yeah, I could breathe with them for a scant few minutes in one go and that was definitely snazzy. The downside was that they were practically sponges for any waterborne diseases and had left me crying in a fetal position at a hospital bed on two separate occasions. Better keep the gills tucked inside their pocket-aperture-thingy-whingy-

Oh forget it, you get the gist.

A hubbub of cheerful yelling carried over the water from a sandy beach. A slight raise of head gave a view of half-built sandcastles and a lone adult supervising a gaggle of foals. An adult I recognized and who was floating not too far away from me on an inflatable ring.

I smirked and changed my course for my unsuspecting prey.

Closer.

A little more.

"Hello Pinkie, long time no see."

Drat.

I let the drag bleed most of my momentum and I finally stopped as my muzzle gave a little sad boop against the yellow inflatable ring. Derpy, the grey-furred pegasus with a blonde mane, peered over at me. "A pink alligator-looking floating log isn't that hard to notice, you know?"

I looked upwards at her with puppy dog eyes.

Her placid expression didn't even tremble.

Finally she sighed and I swore she rolled her eyes behind the big amber sunglasses she had perched on her schnozz. "You haven't come to visit in a month and half and now this is what I will get? I bet Dinky would have loved it if you came by more often to play and bake."

Oof. I rolled over to get my mouth above water.

" 'm sorry."

Derpy was silent.

"I am sorry! I kept staring at a mirror, wallowing in my dum-dum emotions and didn't visit my good, totes spectacular, all-around great friend and her adorable daughter and argHBLARGH-" Derpy interrupted my wail by stretching herself, grasping me with a wing and forcibly rolling me over again to face me eye to eye.

"Okay, how about you let me first rant about my woes at work while you listen and I do the same for you?"

I nodded and she slouched back to her ring, sparing a glance at the foals.

And so I listened as she told about all the dumb ponies who came to the post office with the weirdest of things, all unwrapped of course. About stupid new policies that trickled down from the main office to inconvenience them. About how she had managed to bring down a warehouse wall by shoulder-checking a door frame for the millionth time by accident. About how humiliating it was to sign a bundle of paperwork about an accident again, for who knows how many -eth of a time.

All the while I made my uh-huhs and clarifying questions at the appropriate times. It also gave me time to ponder about my own problems and suddenly I knew what I was going to say first at my turn.

"I think I need to go to a therapist."

Derpy raised her head from it's resting position to stare at me. "I agree, but please, do go on."

I sighed. "I think I am depressed. I may have fun at the start of an event or whatever but as time passes I start to wallow more and more on my own… stuff. It is dumb and exhausting. And… and.. "

I paused to get the words back to order.

"You were at the Strawberry's party. I noticed you at some point. What did you see me do there?" I asked Derpy.

Derpy scrunched her mouth and hummed. "Well, I didn't see you on the dance floor."

I nodded.

"And I didn't see you doing any of the party games either."

I nodded again.

"I did see you were playing a lot of card games with Davenport." Derpy said with a smirk.

I squeaked but nodded yet again.

"And at the end, you did the thing."

Yes, the thing.

Who really wants to listen to all about my gory history at a bloody party of all places? Nopony. Only reason it wasn't bigger of a farce is because Strawberry can't resist an opportunity to act like a loon.

I sighed. "You know I had a cutie mark about partying before I came here to this town. I remember on the day of the party I bragged to myself in my head on how much of a partymare I am and you saw how that went. I huddled at the most remote corner of the library, playing cards for money. Even Fluttershy, the eternal introvert, was there with me, gravitated as she was to the place of least bustle."

Derpy was leaning over her ring and petted my back. It was nice.

"Then there's friends. I have no friends."

Derpy squawked at that, flailing her hooves and stared at my eyes with angry intensity. "Hey! I am your friend!' I couldn't help but relax at that.

"Okay, i have one friend."

Derpy get staring at me. "How about Rainbow Dash?"

"Yeah, no. We are more like acquaintances. Meeting once a month or so by chance to laugh at some shallow crap."

Derpy muttered something that sounded like "semantics" and kept staring still. "Lugnut?"

"Pshaw, no. We are coworkers and he's a contrary old geezer. We may work well together, but Lugnut is still, uhh, Lugnut."

Derpy nodded slowly. "That he is." Suddenly a mischievous look started to creep on her face.

Oh Celestia no.

"Well~," she stretched the word like a master torturer. "How about Davenport?"

Why.

"There's no thing with Davenport. He is almost two times older than me for bucks sake!" Derpy frowned and quickly glanced at the foals.

Oh, right, swear words.

I briefly dipped my muzzle under the water and tried to grasp for anything else to say.

Right.

"Besides, what's the point anyway?"

Derpy looked visibly flummoxed at that. She blinked uncomprehendingly and made a noise of pure confusion. "Haa?"

I frowned. "I haven't told you?"

"No?"

Oof. I squirmed at my place, sending little waves across the surface of the lake.

"Okay, so, I don't have any of the equipment, for the stuff, you know. At the start I was such bloody mess. I had to prioritise things. The doctors had to prioritise things. Result is that I have one less orifice than most. No pokey-hokey going to holey-wokey." I grimaced. "Well, except if I want one in my bumhole, which, eww."

The whole speech I had done my best to not look at my friend's reaction, but as I finally raised my eyes I was treated with the most flabbergasted expression I have ever seen before. An expression which quickly changed into angry spluttering.

"You-, YOU DUMB ID-" Derpy paused to breathe in and out. "That's not how it-" She must have noticed my own expression as she paused again. "Okay, it works like that, but it's not the whole story!" She took her sunglasses off for a moment, stared at them as if they had offended everything she held dear and jammed them back on her face.

Wow, she is in a real tizzy.

Derpy leaned over the inflatable ring, almost tipping it over and placed her front hooves on both sides of my head. I saw well enough through the amber panels of her sunglasses to discern that her pupils were trying to bore into my skull.

"Have you ever heard of love and affection? You can love somepony with no hussle under the blankets needed. I bet my life savings on that there are ponies around Equestria with similar problems who are still happily married. Didn't the parents you had at that strange rock place teach you anything?"

My eyes shifted. Hers, squinted. "Or are you just being dumb?"

I tried to fidget some more but the grip of the grey hooves were like a steel clamp.

"Ah'm dumb," I muttered and stared down at the blue-green water.

The grip slackened and I heard a sigh. "Cmon, the twerps are staring at us. Let's get to the beach and take the whole herd for an ice cream. I'm paying."

The grey pegasus rose up in the air and started flapping towards the foals, the ring held between the hooves. I followed on the surface.

"And try to be less crass with your mouth. I swear you cuss more than my late grandpa."

Eaugh.