I breathe heavily and slowly. I know she'll want to talk to me, comfort me, and of course, the first place she'll check is this room. The one she calls mine. I slouch against the doors as I feel my ears sink. There's no way to enjoy this feeling; back against the wall, ears alert for sounds of anypony else, and a broken heart.
I glance around the room, knowing I should do something while I wait for her to come find me. There isn't much else other than books, so I decide to grab one. I see that there's a bed in here, with a pillow and a blanket, but I don't bother to use them to dry my tears, or even lie on it. I wipe the tears with my hooves and levitate a book over to where I am; on the ground by the door. I don't really care what it's about, as long as it's something I can use to get away from the world for a while.
I open to page one with a blank face when I realize that this isn't a book to read—it's a book to write with! Now it feels wrong to take it. I want to put it back but I can't. I'm thinking of all the things that the book could be. A story, a journal, a utopia that doesn't involve enslavement. I grab a quill and start jotting down my thoughts. Turns out I have a waterfall of them. Hey, it's just like with my tears.
I close the book, satisfied with what I'd written. I originally thought it was going to just be my diary, but I somehow found a way to morph it into a whole story. I smile, then hear a voice I completely forgot about. "It's nice to see you smiling for once."
I look behind me to see none other than Princess Twilight herself. Oh my gosh, I swear to myself, you'll be in so much trouble now. How could you have forgotten about her?
"Uhh, I was just..." I say out loud. It turns out I can't make excuses very quickly. I didn't mean to-"
Twilight raises a hoof, motioning for me to stop talking. "I know it's a big change for you. But it's a good one. I don't care if you need to run out of a few meetings or meals every now and then if you need to just cool off. Do what you need to. I just want you to understand that you have friends. That you're welcome here no matter what you think." I gape and smile in relief. She doesn't know about the book! She thought I was talking about storming out of the throne room earlier. And I guess I'm glad she accepts that too.
I laugh nervously. "Thanks, I guess." I look outside of ~~the~~ my bedroom window and see that it's already sunset. Which implies that I've been writing for about an hour or two.
"Do you want to join us for dinner, Starlight?" she asks me.
I bite my lip, knowing that I want to go, but for some reason, I won't allow myself to. "If that's okay, then sure."
"Of course it's okay! Why else would I invite you?"
I chuckle. "Sorry, Princess Twilight. I just-"
She raises her hoof again. "No more adressing me by 'Princess.' I already told you, just 'Twilight' is fine."
I put the book on the desk behind me, trying to hide as much of the scene as possible. I hope she doesn't notice. If she does, maybe she'd like my story because she's super nice like that. But then she'd show everypony else, or maybe just Spike. But he would definitely show everypony else. And they'd hate it. Mostly because they hate me. That's why it's a secret. I sigh. "Okay, Twilight. I'll join you for dinner." I start to walk out of ~~the~~ my room and realize I don't know where I'm going. She laughs and walks with me, leading me to the dining room, where the rest of her friends, including Spike, are sitting down.
"Took you long enough! We've been waiting for you for a while now," Rainbow Dash says. "What were you doing?"
I glance at the princess, who already knows I don't feel comfortable answering. "Just a little reassurance that she was welcome here," she says with a wink in my direction. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about that, but I think it's a good thing. I take it as that and look to my plate as Twilight explains a few things to her friends. I don't listen in because I don't think it's really that interesting. Besides, what Rainbow Dash said earlier got me thinking.
I poked at the potato on my plate. Waiting for you for a while. For me? Or for Princess Twilight? I'd assumed she was talking about the princess, but it would probably make sense if it were me she was talking about. Maybe I was wanted. Maybe there were ponies other than Princess Twilight who-
Oh. Wait. I'm sitting with the six bearers of the Elements of Harmony themselves! Of course they'd accept me. They befriend all ponies they see good potential in. I don't really have potential, do I? Well, I have no idea why I was one of those ponies. I've done so many things that I deserve to be hated. Yet I'm not. At least not by them. Why did I have to be here? Why, how, did I get so lucky? I can't even forgive myself for those past deeds. I just want to-
"Is everything alright, Starlight?" asks a gentle voice. "Is the food okay?" I look at Twilight, who moves to put her wing around me, not being able to speak. My throat hurts, stings, and not in the sick kind of way. My eyes start to strain to see, and the world becomes a blur in a matter of seconds. I hate to do this again after I'd already done the same thing during lunch. But I run away anyways. I can't let everypony see my tears for a second time. I run to the room I'm supposed to call my own and hop onto the bed. It feels so wrong to be on it, but I need to. I lie facedown on the bed, letting the pillow soak up my tears. Through my sobs, I can hear the voices of Twilight and her friends.
"I think we should maybe leave her on her own for a little, let her calm down. She seems to do better that way."
"It seems wrong, though. She needs help, and any good friend would help a friend in need."
"How about we send just one of us to check on her? So that we don't overwhelm her."
"Alright, I'll go, but if she wants to be left alone, I'm respecting her wishes."
I slow my breathing, a few cracks to the pattern coming since I was crying pretty recently. I gently close my eyes, not squeezing them shut, as someone creaks my door open. I suspect that it's Twilight. She whispers, "Starlight?" A bit of silence. "I don't know whether or not you can hear me, but if you can, I just want you to know that nopony with a good heart hates you."
Does that explain why I hate myself, then? I think. Because I have a bad heart?
"I know you think you can't be forgiven, and that every time I say this, it seems even less believable. But trust me when I say you're already forgiven." She sighs at the same time as I do, and then I hear hoofsteps wandering around the room. Twilight seems to stop right by the door—right by the desk. That's where I left the book!
Oh my gosh, she's going to find it and show her friends! She's going to like it and her view will be juxtaposed with others'. Including my own. I hear her flip through the pages, and eventually I turn around to see her flipping through pages. She lowers her ears at some parts, laughs at others. I have no idea how or why she's even bothering to read this. I mean, who wants to read a story written by some "reformed" villain. Especially when it's written with such messy hornwriting.
She sets the book down and, with a smile, turns to face me. "So you're not asleep yet, huh?" I shake my head no and let out the breath I've apparently been holding. "Do you want me to stay or go?"
I think for a minute. "Can I ask you a question first?" She nods and sits on the edge of my bed. "Did you, and be honest, like the story over there?"
She smiles. "I loved it! It was a really addicting story. Why'd you ask?"
I close my eyes in thought, looking for a way to word it. "I knew you were going to like it. You're too kind not to. But most ponies won't like that story. Myself included."
"Oh?" She raises an eyebrow. "Why is that?"
"Because I'm not a good writer."
She seems pretty shocked. "Are you kidding? Unless you're talking about penmanship, I think it's amazing!"
"Oh," is all I have to say. I search for more words. "I meant I'm not a good writer because, um," and I start to lower my voice, "I'm not a good pony. Like, at all."
"You are!" she argues. "Even so, that doesn't mean-"
"Yes it does!" I snap. "Nopony wants to hear what I think. I'm just some random pony who used to be this evil dictator with overly powerful magic. It doesn't fit. I don't fit."
"It does if your heart tells you it does. Besides, your not just some random pony. You're my friend." I stay quiet. She does too. I really don't want to start talking again, but it doesn't seem like there's another choice.
"Promise?" I whisper.
She responds with, "Promise."
I sigh, thinking I maybe should've believed her sooner. "Goodnight, Twilight. And thank you." She smiles and walks out my door, closing it behind her. I lie in bed, still having my doubts. But at least I know I have a real friend now. I'm happy enough. I float the book over to me and hold it close to my chest. This story will be hated. I know that. But at least it's got some potential. Maybe tomorrow I'll gain enough courage to show the world my story.
Things will be scrutinized. I'm one of those things. But at least I know I've got a friend who won't do that. Even when I, myself, do.
