The Hearth's Warming Dick-saster
The Ponyville Post Office was half-buried in snow and it looked like it’d get covered completely by the morning. The weather team planned only a light snowfall for this day, but when the rogue clouds from the Everfree joined the fun, no pegasus could really contain the white hell they unleashed.
Especially not when half of them—the female half, specifically— were now standing in front of the post office, waiting for their mail to arrive.
“So, Flitter,” Lyra said. Her magic formed a field that kept the snow away from her and Bon Bon, but since it pushed it towards other ponies, it didn’t make the duo very popular. “What did you get this year?”
“Oh, double-headed Spitfire,” Flitter replied.
“They make one modelled after Spitfire?” Lyra asked. “But she doesn’t… Does she?”
“Nah, it’s designed by her.” Flitter spread her wings to blow the snow away from herself. “It’s more like her fantasies, so to speak.”
“Oh, good,” Lyra said. “Bonnie and I are getting the new Hippogriff Number Four.”
Cloudchaser dug herself out of the snow. “I prefer Number Five. The surface is more coarse, for additional stimulation.” She turned to another mare who just walked to them after digging a tunnel through the snow. “Hello, Cream Heart. Didn’t you already have the Thunderlane and the Steven Magnet XXL?”
“My idiot son found them once and it’s not the same anymore,” Cream Heart replied. “I ordered the Griffon Gangbang, extra barbed.”
Lyra nodded. “Not bad. I tried the Steven Magnet XXL once and the doctors needed two weeks just to wipe the smile off my face.”
“Tragic,” Bon Bon deadpanned. “Do you think Derpy got lost in this blizzard?”
Rainbow Dash landed next to her, sinking knee-deep into the snow. “I’ve seen her above the orchard. She should be here soon.”
Indeed, just a few minutes later, Derpy landed in front of the post office. Half-frozen, covered in snow, and with her mane resembling a bird’s nest, with all the hair poking in random directions.
“I lost it!” she exclaimed. “I lost it in the storm!”
“What did you lose?” Rainbow Dash asked. “What about my Double Donkey Dong?”
“I lost the whole shipment of marital aids from Cloudsdale.” Derpy blushed. “I couldn’t see it on the ground, but once the weather clears–”
“We have to form search and rescue teams!” Cream Heart exclaimed.
“So, you’re saying you lost a literal bag of dicks?” Berry Punch asked. “There goes my Trixie’s Great and Powerful Magic Wand…”
“We’ll form teams of two or three and we will go along Derpy’s route!” Cream Heart said.
Nopony seemed to listen to her.
“The horror!” Lily exclaimed before fainting.
“It wouldn’t happen if we took my helicopter,” Cherry Berry muttered.
“Yeah, right.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “In Spring we’d find you frozen along with your helicopter and our toys. Also, Nurse Redheart is gonna be mad at me again.”
“Why?” Flitter asked.
“Last year we ran out of batteries for Lyra’s vibrator,” Bon Bon replied. “So we experimented a bit and we ended up in the ER with seventeen tangerines up her ass.”
The crowd of mares went silent. Everyone looked at Lyra, who blushed.
“Seventeen?” Blossomforth asked. “How?”
“Practice,” Lyra replied. “Also, didn’t you end up in the ER because you got stuck while–”
“Shut up, it was Flitter’s fault,” Blossomforth said. “Seventeen tangerines? Are you crazy?”
Bon Bon smirked. “That’s what Nurse Redheart said.”
"Technically," Lyra said, "she called you some fifteen syllable word from the back of her crazy catalogue."
"It's called a DSM."
Suddenly, a nurse’s hat emerged from a pile of snow, followed by its owner, Nurse Redheart herself. “Just for the record, I wasn’t mad because you shoved tangerines up your ass, but because I bet a hundred bits that there were a dozen of them. By doing seventeen, you handed the victory to Nursery Rhyme.”
“Sorry about that,” Lyra said. “Now that I think about it, how many tangerines do you think she could fit in her ass?”
“Three at best,” Redheart replied. “Also, I heard something about the search and rescue party…”
Cream Heart rushed to her. “Finally someone who understands me!”
“Of course,” Redheart replied. “My husband and I both work long hours and I broke my Jackhammer Buttplug. Night shifts are not the same anymore.”
Blossomforth’s eyes widened. “Wait, are you saying that you pleasure yourself during the work hours?”
“With patients like you, the only thing that keeps me sane is additional anal stimulation,” Redheart replied. “Also, don’t tell me that you don’t.” She looked at the sky. “Would explain why the weather is so fucked up.”
“Weather teams are more into cloud humping and unbridled lesbianism,” Cloudchaser said. “But yeah, anypony who never brought their toys to work may cast the first snowball.”
Suddenly, a large snowball hit her right in the middle of the forehead. “What was that for?” Cloudchaser asked.
“I’m sorry,” Sea Swirl said. “I never brought my toys to work because I’m unemployed.”
“Dumbass,” Flitter muttered. “Okay, we have to search for the package or else we’ll have to plunder Carrot Top’s barn again.”
“Oh no…” Cream Heart shuddered. “We’d better hurry!”
Neither wind, nor snow were an obstacle to pretty much all the mares of Ponyville in search of their lost packages. Unicorns sent spells around, searching for any foreign objects in the drifts. Earth ponies walked around the whole town, while pegasi circled above it in pairs. Even Granny Smith grabbed the snowplough and started to methodically look for any trace of Derpy’s bag.
Lyra focused her magic, x-raying the snow. The spell was a bit too strong; steam came out of the pile as it started to melt.
“What did you find?” Bon Bon asked. She used a bit more traditional method of searching – a shovel.
Lyra shrugged. “Trash, dog poop, and some guy’s dead body. Looks like Cloud Kicker’s ex.”
Bon Bon frowned. “Ponies let their dogs shit everywhere. Can you imagine what this is gonna look like in Spring?”
“Bunch of savages in this town.” Lyra sighed. “Hey, I found five bits!”
“Silver lining.” Bon Bon looked into the hole she’d dug and groaned. “Another empty bottle. I’m gonna kick Berry’s ass when I see her.”
“Why Berry?” Lyra asked. “A lot of ponies drink. Rarity, Twilight, Spoiled Rich…”
“If I kicked Spoiled Rich’s ass, I’d get sued,” Bon Bon said, poking a pile of snow with her shovel.
“And Berry may kick your ass instead.” Lyra shrugged and aimed her horn at another snowdrift.
“Nah, I’ll get one good hit in her liver and then she’s done.”
“Do you have a plan to murder everyone you’ve met?” Lyra asked.
“You don’t?” Bon Bon looked at the ground, where her shovel hit something hard, but she quickly winced. “It’s someone’s old toilet. That’s the new low.”
“Indeed.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “I wonder how Cloud Kicker is doing…”
“Dammit.” Cloud Kicker hit the cloud which exploded into snowflakes. “Shit! Fuck! Tart!”
Rainbow Dash raised her eyebrows. “What’s wrong with you?”
Cloud Kicker shrugged. “I was supposed to stop swearing or some shit. I chose the wrong day to do that.”
“We all did,” Rainbow Dash replied, looking at the ground. “Do you know what I ordered?”
“Nothing more impressive than The Dong of Death,” Cloud Kicker replied. “The disclaimer form required four notaries, three psychiatrists to vouch that I’m not suicidal, two doctors to prove that I’m healthy, a certified exorcist, and a partridge in a pear tree.”
Rainbow Dash nodded. “Not bad. Especially the psychiatrists part.”
“I only had to blow one of them and threaten the two others,” Cloud Kicker said. “Can you see the bag? I don’t wanna get through all this fu–” she cleared her throat, “funny paperwork again.”
“Nope.” Rainbow Dash flapped her wings, trying to get through the blizzard. “By the way, do you know that as a head of the weather team I have to write an obituary in case something happens to somepony during the weather duty?”
“Of course,” Cloud Kicker replied, hitting another cloud. “Thunderlane told me that you wrote mine in advance. It starts with, ‘our friend Cloud Kicker passed away. Tartarus only knows what was wrong with this crackhead’.”
“Indeed.” Rainbow Dash said. “And do you know why you’re the only pony whose obituary I wrote in advance?”
“Because I’m too awesome to live long?” Cloud Kicker poked another cloud with her hoof.
“No, it’s because–” Rainbow Dash looked at Cloud Kicker just as she bucked the cloud with her hind legs. The cloud shot out snowflakes and lightning, zapping Cloud Kicker who dropped limply into a pile of snow below them. “Yeah, exactly because of that.”
“The horror!” Rose exclaimed. “Couldn’t we look for dildos in nicer weather?”
“Not really,” Lily replied. “At least this year Berry isn’t using us as timberwolf bait.” She pointed at Berry Punch who just stepped out of the forest, dragging a bundle of firewood.
Daisy sneezed. “Oh great,” she muttered. “I’m gonna be sick on Hearth’s Warming.”
“You’re gonna be sick when you fire up the toys you bought,” Lily said. “I get the Clit Constrictor, but getting Anal Destroyer with that? Insane.”
“Anal Destroyer is for Caramel, but he didn’t want to order it for himself,” Daisy replied.
Rose raised her eyebrows. “What is he, gay?”
“If he wasn’t gay before, he’s now, after dumping Cloud Kicker.”
Derpy landed in front of them. “Cloud Kicker?” she asked. “I heard Lyra found her ex’s body in the snow.”
“Caramel?” Daisy asked.
Derpy shook her head. “Nah, the other one.”
“Good,” Rose said. “I never liked this one. Any trace of our dildos?”
“No, but Lyra complained about ponies letting their dogs poop everywhere,” Derpy replied.
“The horror,” Lily said.
“The horror.” Daisy shuddered and sneezed again.
“Bunch of savages in this town.” Rose shook her head. “Can someone help me with the shovel? We need to check the whole area between this place and the orchard.”
Daisy grabbed a shovel but before she started digging, steam came out of the snow, revealing a hairy mare with scales on her back; snowflakes melted whenever they touched her. Small flames were dancing around her.
"What in the horror?" Daisy asked.
"Autumn Blaze, at your service," the mare replied. "It's a bit snowy today, isn't it? Applejack got me the Fireproof Fuckpole for Hearth's Warming, but it got lost in the mail along with my own order. I got Asbestos Maximus for Rain Shine, Defloration Conflagration for Spring Glow, PyroCUMulus for Pumpkin Smoke, and The FireBall for Cinder Glow. She always liked it rough and you can fill the fake balls with benzene for stronger—" She paused, seeing the three mares running away from her.
Berry Punch approached her, still dragging a pile of loose branches behind her. "Don't mind them, they're crazy." She produced a bottle. "Want some moonshine? It's freaking cold today."
"I didn't notice." Autumn Blaze looked around, missing the fact that she was standing in a circle of rapidly evaporating snow. She levitated the bottle and took a sip, choking and spitting fire.
Berry raised her eyebrows. "Good stuff, eh?"
Cloudchaser looked at Cloud Kicker and shrugged. "Can we euthanise her?"
"That'd be unethical," Nurse Redheart replied, dragging the stretcher off. "Are there any more wounded?"
"Everyone's freezing, Cream Heart and Rainbow Dash have bruises from a snowball fight Bon Bon started when Helia didn't clean up after her dog, and there are reports of a drunken nirik running around," Derpy replied.
"Also, Flitter said she had enough and went to Bulk Biceps' house," Cloudchaser said.
"Well, she won't need a dildo this Hearth's Warming." Redheart shrugged. "Derpy, can you help me with this?"
They went with the stretcher to the elevator. When the door closed, Redheart turned to Derpy.
"So, where exactly did you lose this package?" she asked.
"I told you I don't know," Derpy replied.
"It was a rather heavy bag of dicks." Redheart smirked.. "I know pegasi have a good sense of weight they're carrying."
"It was cold and windy, I didn't notice," Derpy said, throwing nervous glances around.
"Are you sure you didn't hide them somewhere to test them all by yourself?" Redheart asked. "I've heard a thing or two about your needs."
Derpy blushed. "My needs aren't that big."
Redheart frowned and shook her head. "Please, I treated a long line of your past lovers. Not to mention Iron Will's assistants. And then Iron Will himself."
"Nopony proved anything," Derpy said.
"True, but…" Redheart looked into Derpy's eyes.
"Okay, you got me." Derpy smiled sheepishly. "I'll give you your Jackhammer Buttplug back and we'll be good, okay?"
"You'll give everyone their toys back," Redheart said. "Maybe you'll have a few funny evenings less, but then, you'll be the hero of the Hearth's Warming. That's almost the same thing."
"Okay," Derpy said. "The package is in—"
Suddenly, they heard a groan. Cloud Kicker woke up and looked at them, blinking. "Wait, Derpy stole all the dicks?" she asked.
Redheart sighed and bucked her, knocking her unconscious. "This is none of your concern," she muttered and turned to Derpy. "We call that 'Zebrican Anesthesia'."
"Okay." Derpy looked at Cloud Kicker unsurely. "I hid the package in the treehouse at Sweet Apple Acres."
"After I'm done with Cloud Kicker, we'll go there and bring them to town," Nurse Redheart said.
Button Mash frowned. This wasn't a good year for him and he was glad that it was almost over. Even now, so close to Hearth's Warming, he was tired and hungry. As far as he knew, his mother didn't make dinner because she was in town, looking for her Christmas present.
This was technically true; however, Dinky told him what exactly her mother was delivering and this changed the context so much that Button still cringed when thinking about it.
Still feeling the impending doom, he decided to accept Sweetie's invitation to the Cutie Mark Crusaders Very Special Hearth's Warming Eve Party. He hoped Sweetie didn't cook; he was hungry, but not that hungry.
The weather was still awful, but he managed to get to the orchard via a path of melted snow and burned ground underneath. When he got to the clubhouse, Sweetie, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo were already there. He climbed up the ladder, walked inside, and froze.
"W–what is this?" he asked.
"Ornaments!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "Santa Hooves dropped a whole bag of them!"
Button winced. The walls of the clubhouse were adorned with baubles, blinking lights, and most importantly, fake dicks in various shapes, sizes, and colours, ranging from fairly common to absolute travesties of nature. Some of them reminded him of what he found when looking for spare change in his mother's drawer and this was too much for him. He staggered back and fainted, falling out of the clubhouse and landing in the pile of snow underneath.
"What's wrong with him?" Apple Bloom asked.
Scootaloo looked down. "He got a seizure from those lights, like Silver Spoon."
"I know first aid, I'll help him," Sweetie said.
"Sure," Scootaloo said. "By the way, Apple Bloom?"
"Yes?" Apple Bloom asked.
"After the party, can I get the Double Spitfire for myself?" Scootaloo smiled sheepishly, pointing at one of the dildos. "Nopony wanted to sell it to me…"
Author's Note
Inspired by some infamous Sockno's and this tweet.
