“I can't believe you beat me,” I muttered in disbelief, shoulders slumped, and a scowl plastered across my features.
“I can't believe you drew nothing but lands for four consecutive turns.” Retorted my so-called friend who stood next to me. “You really do have the worst luck you know.”
I sighed and looked down at the Harley Quinn costume stretched out over my very male, and very hairy body. “Did you have to choose Harley? I mean look at me! I feel like I could burst out of this thing at a moment’s notice.” I exclaimed.
Tabitha stepped before me and gave me an appraising glance. “It is pretty tight isn't it?”
I blushed, and silently wished I had something to cover my crotch with, as the slim pair of leather shorts barely covered anything. “I think my dick’s gonna go numb in these things,” I whined.
Tabitha, the monster that she is merely chuckled at my distress and removed the space marine helmet from her head. “Good, maybe then I’ll be able to get some sleep without hearing you jack off in the other room.” She replied.
I grit my teeth, resisting the urge to mutter some angry retort and potentially draw the attention of the other congoers who were filing into the building before us. It was a hard urge to resist though, and I had to keep myself from flexing lest I tear the Daddy’s Little Slugger shirt that was stretched across my chest. Not like I’m a particularly strong person mind you, it was just that tight.
I groaned. “Could you have at least sprung for that horrid blue and red jacket she has in the movie?”
Tabitha shook her head. “We ran out of money adjusting your giant space marine costume remember?”
I frowned as I gazed upon my pride and joy which was a one-to-one replica of the armor of an iron hands warrior. I had even gone the extra mile and had built a back-fed heavy bolter which Tabitha had left in the car as it was too heavy for her. Everything about it was perfect, from the pockmarks of damage on the left pauldron to the now desecrated purity seals on the right.
It had been a labor of love, one that had taken litteral years to construct, and now my annoying, and lovable roommate and best friend was now wearing it. While I wore the worst outfit I could possibly imagine, though if I was being honest, I was a little amazed that Tabby had managed to find enough hair on my head to give me ponytails. The choker was starting to get to me, however, and I tugged absently on the thing as I stood there on the sidewalk in front of the convention center.
“Augh, whatever. I’m just pissed you had to choose this bloody outfit. You know I hate that movie.” I muttered angrily.
“Oh quit your bellyaching. It wasn't that bad.” Tabitha retorted, putting a hand on her hip. “Besides, now you know how I feel whenever I go to one of these things with you.”
My eyes narrowed. “First of all, I never made you wear anything this revealing, or made you wear anything for that matter. Second of all, I’m well aware of how uncomfortable this type of thing is, and lastly, I would have made you wear the full-body suit from the animated series.”
Tabitha shrugged. “That old thing is overrated. This is way hotter.”
I could feel the rage gauges in my head slowly filling, and I looked down at Tabitha’s smug pierced face with intense distaste. I briefly considered just walking away, but only to remember that she had never done so before, despite losing more of her fair share of our little bets.
With a sigh, my shoulders slumped. “How long do I have to wear this terrible get-up?”
Tabitha plunked the helmet down over her head, the fake metal barely containing her tall mohawk. “Only an hour or so. I got a few things I wanted to snag while I was in there, and an artist friend owes me a commission.”
I perked up slightly as I followed behind the armored space marine. “Oh, what were you gonna get them to draw?” I asked.
“Why us of course.” She replied in a tone that implied that she was smirking from beneath her helmet.
“Of course, you would want to get a picture of the security guard who got crammed into a Harley Quinn costume,” I muttered.
I silently slipped away from the growing crowd which surrounded Tabitha and the two other chaos space marine cosplayers that had linked up with her. The three of them were posing and otherwise soaking up the attention of more than a dozen people with their phones out. I, however, wasn't exactly feeling comfortable as part of the attention, though that may have just been the fish nets digging into my hairy as fuck legs.
Leaning against a nearby table, I pulled out my phone and used the reflection to check up on my makeup, only to find that everything was still in order.
“Funny, you don't seem to look like the type to care about something like that.” Remarked a voice from behind me.
I turned around to find myself standing before a rather shitty little stand if I was being frank. There were no signs, no prices, just several items sitting on a plain metal table, behind which reclined an older gentleman with a white beard and a cheap suit two sizes too big for him.
I shrugged. “I may not have chosen to go out like this, but I’ll be damned if I don't own it.”
The older man chuckled. “Don't suppose you see anything you like?”
I blinked and looked down at his stand, actually studying the handful of items he had for sale. From left to right there was a bolt pistol, a chain sword, and a golden cane which I recognized as the Twilight cane from my little pony. After that, there was the chainsaw hand from evil dead, and a large mallet that resembled the one Harley Quinn used in the animated series only scaled up for someone of my height and build.
“Well, it isn't like it's against the rules for me to add things to the costume,” I muttered, scratching my bearded chin. “And it would be nice to have some sort of homage to my favorite version of the character.”
“It seems like you deserve it.” Remarked the man, who stood suddenly. “In fact, I think you deserve it for a good price. How much ya got on ya?”
I raised an eyebrow, but unwilling to look a gift horse in the mouth, began rifling through my tiny iddy bitty baby pockets. “I got sixteen bucks and a coupon for a free big mac,” I replied, extending my hands.
“Sold.” He declared, snatching the money and the coupon from my hands. “Enjoy.”
On one hand, I was pretty damn excited, but on the other, that had been the money I was saving for lunch. With a shrug I resigned myself to going hungry for a little bit and that I would just have to take solace in the fact that the mallet might distract people from my grumbling stomach. I snatched the weapon and grinned as I hefted its considerable weight in my hands.
“Ooh, this is nice. Thanks, man,” I exclaimed with a smile.
The man smiled back, only his grin seemed to be a little more sinister than mine. “No, thank you.”
“What the-.” Was all I managed to say before the floor opened up and blackness closed in around me, the last thing I heard was the old man’s familiar cruel laugh.
I landed next to what looked like an abandoned castle in the middle of a forest straight out of a comic book. A huge full moon hung overhead, illuminating the many gnarled wooden limbs that made up the patchwork canopy above. Just enough to cast the world in a dark shadow, it also allowed me to see that the hammer was still gripped in my hand.
A hand which was now black, and no not like that, I mean literally black as night. I was wearing a glove, one that ended at the wrist and turned into a pink puffy thing that I had no word for. Staring further up my still well-muscled but far thinner arms, I found that they were red and sported several black diamonds.
“Oh no,” I muttered, only for my eyes to go wide and a hand to go to my throat. “Wait. I know this voice. It's Arleen Sorkin’s, the original voice of Harley Quinn.”
“That means…”
I immediately began looking around for something, anything to find that may reflect my appearance. I found it in the shattered glass hanging in a window and immediately made a beeline over to it. Upon reaching it I found that staring back at me in the twisted reflection was none other than Harleen Frances Quinzel, famed psychiatrist and henchwoman of the joker.
“In the flesh,” I announced, only to stop. “Wait, why did I say that?”
After several tense moments of quiet that made me think that I may be going crazy, I took a deep breath. With a hand on my modest chest, I gazed into my reflection once more, studying my appearance closer.
My face was the powdered white that the joker liked, and a wipe of my finger revealed that it wasn't just makeup either as it could not be removed. My eyes were blue and the mask I wore around my eyes was a dark black, matching my shiny lips quite well. The jester’s cap atop my head bounced with every movement, temporarily distracting me as I shook my head this way and that.
“Oooh bouncy,” I muttered.
Another shake of the head dismissed that strange, air-headed notion, allowing me to finish my inspection. Starting with the rest of my body, which was exactly like in her batman the animated series appearance. Black and red skin tight outfit, check, oversized mallet with a similar color scheme, double check.
“A voice that sounds like a showgirl crossed with a new york cab driver, triple check,” I exclaimed aloud, only to giggle at my own joke.
Wiping a tear from my eye, I suddenly found myself transfixed by just how strong I was. Sure I was kinda buff before but I had never managed to slim down like this. Now I was lean, but still built, with enough muscle to easily fling that massive hammer around without compromising my slim physique.
“Makes sense. She was an Olympic level gymnast who regularly went toe to toe with B man, so of course, she’d be tough,” I murmured to myself. “Well then. Where do I go? Eeny meeny, money-”
As I was choosing a random direction to start walking in, I heard what sounded like a feminine scream. This instantly stopped my train of thought and split my decision-making between running away from it, or to it. In the end, I dismissed my cowardice and began walking toward the source of the noise at a brisk but unhurried pace.
“Harley Quinn ain't the type to do good without gettin something in return, but I sure am,” I muttered to myself.
Leaping over the shattered remnants of the outside wall, I launched into a flying dive that allowed me to pass through the window without getting cut. Once inside, I landed into a gentle roll and sprung back up with an ease that I had never felt before. My movements were so fluid, and easy, that I barely even had to think about accomplishing acrobatics my previous self would have found impossible.
“Say goodbye to love handles, say hello to backflips,” I muttered, much to my own giggling amusement.
As my laughter dissipated, I realized that I had no idea where I was going. Thankfully a dull boom from somewhere nearby told me that I was getting closer to the conflict.
Sprinting through long dusty hallways, and cobweb-filled doorways, I soon found myself at the bottom of a set of spiral stairs. There I heard another grunt followed by what sounded like a lightning bolt, only one that came from inside the building. Curiosity now piqued, I clambered to the top floor and peeked out the opening to find an intriguing sight waiting for me.
Six humanoid creatures with hooved feet, and a mix of either a horn, wings, or none, were fighting a single entity that had all three. Their clothes were as colorful as their hair, skin and vibrant tails, creating a technicolor nightmare I found offensive to the eyes. Thankfully there was a single spot of black amidst the sea of rainbow for my gaze to rest on.
“What an absolute, babe!” I couldn't help but exclaim.
Adorned from head to hoof in thick black plate mail, the winged and horned creature was grace incarnate. A midnight black cape hung from her shoulders, and an enormous war sycthe was gripped tight in her hands. A weapon which she seemed quite adept at using given the sweeping, lightning-fast strikes she launched at the six other creatures.
Who kept their distance, harrying and keeping the single entity I mentally referred to as Beautiful Darkness at bay. Through the use of what looked like wind magic from the rainbow-haired woman, and spells cast by one of the horned ones, the six managed to stay ahead. They weren't purely on the defense, however, as they seemed to be slowly powering up a series of six strange necklaces they wore.
Clearly losing, my warrior princess had a desperate, almost panicked expression on her face. It was then that I noticed she had teal, slited, catlike eyes, and fangs that poked out over her ivory skin. It was also about then that I fell madly in love with her and lost complete control of my body.
“Hey, pretty lady with the cool scythe! Do you need a hand?” I shouted, hefting my hammer.
“What, who are you? Stay out of here, you may be hurt!” barked the purple one, though I ignored her.
“Yes! I will give you whatever you desire if you help me best these six fools!” shouted the warrior goddess before being forced back by a blast of electricity.
“How about…” I paused and scratched my chin. “You go out with me?”
“W-what! I-” my paramour had to stop her adorable muttering to dodge out of the way of a punch aimed at her unarmored face. “Yes, whatever. Just do it!”
“Yes!” I exclaimed. “Sorry, you six weirdos. But mommy’s had a looong dry stint.”
“Um, what are you talking about?” offered a pink-haired girl wearing a pleated dress.
“Oh goodie. I’ll start with you,” I proclaimed.
It was at this point I realized that I had no control over my body, as I felt my arms raise the hammer despite my attempts to resist. I then swung the enormous weapon in a brutal horizontal swipe to the girl’s midsection, sending her flying. Her body crumpled into a heap, the winged creature lay sprawled out, one arm twisted at an uncomfortable angle.
“Hey, you can't do that to Fluttershy!” interjected the other winged creature as she flew at me. “I’ll make you pay for that!”
“Oh I’d love to but I don't think you guys take checks,” I quipped back.
The rainbow-headed girl was coming at me at full speed, wings pumping so fast that she was nearly a blur. But I was enhanced by red’s special sauce and had been fighting batman since the nineties, so this was nothing. Leaping off a nearby wall, I raised my hammer, and as the rainbow creature passed under me, I brought it down against her back.
A loud, wet crunch signaled that I had done a considerable amount of damage. One of her wings was mangled, and when she landed in a heap I noticed that her legs didn't move. She was also screaming, but that mattered even less to me at that instant as I had already turned to the next of my targets.
“What the hay? That thing is taking us out one by one. What do we do Twilight?” asked the heavily accented voice of a creature wearing a straw hat.
“I don't know, this isn't supposed to happen like this!” The one whose name is presumably Twilight said.
“Aha, we almost have them, my minion, continue the fight!” my warrior queen declared.
“You got it, tall dark, and gorgeous,” I replied.
As I launched into a renewed attack, so did the winged and horned creature that I had suddenly aligned myself with. She struck at the creature with the ugly cowboy hat, while I attacked a rather terrified young woman wearing an immaculately maintained dress. Each swing of my hammer only met air, however, as she ran screaming from me, arms raised above her head.
“Someone save me from the walking fashion disaster!” she shrieked.
“I will have you know that this outfit is a work of fashion genius!” I shouted back.
Before the creature had a chance to respond, I kicked her in the back of her right knee, sending her tumbling to the ground. I followed this up by bringing my hammer down on her back as hard as possible, causing several bones to shatter beneath the blow. I received a sudden punch to my kidney before I could recover though, making me wince and recoil in pain.
“Stop making this story PG13, we were PG before you showed up!” exclaimed the pink-haired one that I hadn't noticed before.
“Well hey, now at least you get a single F-bomb!” I helpfully pointed out.
My retort was apparently so perfectly timed that the strange poofy-haired creature didn't know how to respond. I didn't mind having a silent opponent however, heck I was used to it at this point. So I just kept on attacking, unbothered by the confused quiet that had fallen over me and my foe.
An uppercut to the jaw left her even more confused than before, but I was nice enough to knock her out with a headbutt a moment later. I kicked her in the gut after she went down, not sure why, just felt appropriate for some reason. By the time I looked up in search of my warrior goddess, she had already dispatched the buff farmer chick by chopping off her hand.
Now with the blade of her scythe wrapped around the purple one’s neck, it seemed as though the fight was over.
“Daw, and here I thought this was going to be fun. Lame,” I complained.
“Silence, clown. I must speak to the assassin my sister sent to kill me,” retorted the warrior queen I now followed.
“Ooooh, how dramatic. Go on,” I encouraged.
Plunking down a few feet away with my legs crossed and hammer laying over my lap, I looked on in fascination.
“Ahem, as I was saying,” murmured the dark goddess. “Your skill is considerable, but you were pulling your punches. In my weakened state, I doubt I could take you and your pack of misfits if I had not received timely assistance.”
“Daw it was my pleasure gorgeous,” I commented, flashing the winged and horned woman a wink.
“I uh…” she paused in order to clear a blush. “As I was saying.”
“You’ll never get away with this,” Twilight murmured. “Celestia will stop you.”
My goddess laughed aloud, the sound of her mirth filling the room. “You fool! What do you think took so much of my magic? I was sealing that twice damned sister of mine in the sun so that she may never intrude on my plans again!”
“N-no. That's impossible,” Twilight murmured.
“Search your feelings. You know it to be true,” I exclaimed, hand over in my mouth in my best Vader impression.
“Now then. I have but one final question for you,” the warrior queen’s eyes narrowed. “Will you join me as my newest apprentice, or will you die here, with the rest of these foolish assassins?”
“I’ll…” Twilight paused and looked over her unconscious or heavily injured friends. “If you spare them… I’ll join you.”
“Good Anakin, good. Let the hate flow through you,” I added.
“Excellent,” the warrior queen exclaimed. “Bind your friend's hands and feet after treating their injuries. I will have need of servants, and slaves in my new empire. As for you…”
I sprung up into a stand just in time for the gorgeous creature to glide over to me and grip my chin in a hand. Up close I could smell the blood and sweat that clung to her like cheap perfume. It reminded me of mister J in a way, but better, though I couldn't explain why I felt that way.
Before I could finish that train of thought, she planted a kiss on my lips. It lasted but mere moments but when it was done, my head was light, and my body was as rigid as a board.
“Hot damn lady. You got pillows for lips,” I leaned in close. “I just wanna sit on 'em all night long.”
The dark goddess blushed slightly before pushing me away. “We shall celebrate this victory in full later. Now we have work to do, and people to subdue.”
“Yipee. Oh, I can tell this is the beginning of a long, and beautiful relationship,” I exclaimed.
“I concur,” agreed the creature whose name I still didn't know.
As my body began to move on its own, helping to bind and haul away the five defeated creatures, I became aware of my predicament. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move or say anything. Trapped as a prisoner in my own altered form, with Harley Quinn as my jailor.
What a rotten way to start my vacation. I thought.
Author's Note
This is an adoptable idea. If you like it, lemme know and I can send you what notes I had written on where it was going to go.
