Dis-Carded

by applejackofalltrades

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Starlight Glimmer, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mystery, Spike
Length: 2787

Six cards. Five ponies. One crime. Who dunnit?

Spike and Starlight recall their day and try to figure out who stole the dragon's trading cards. Oh, and there's an interrogation, too.

Written for Starcoder for Jinglemas 2022. Hope you enjoy!

Published 2022-12-27 05:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-12-27 05:00:01 UTC

Who Dunnit?

Five ponies sat in a room, each eyeing each other with expressions varying from suspicion to confusion to sheer excitement.

At the forefront of the room stood another pony—a unicorn—and at her side, with crossed arms and an almost humorous stern expression, stood a small dragon.

The unicorn, for as much as her small draconic partner just being at her side managed to take away some of her imposing air, still managed to appear at least as intimidating as was required to put the rest of the room’s occupants on edge. She did, admittedly, carry a good and proper stern glare. It made the rest of the ponies squirm, even if Spike looked rather silly with his comical frown and the way he rested his claws on his hips.

“Alright ponies,” Starlight Glimmer started, pacing down the lineup of possible perpetrators like a prison guard. “One of you is guilty. And we are going to find out who, so you might want to just fess up already because Spike and I are quite the detective duo.”

“That’s right!” Spike added, spreading his wings to further accentuate his point.

Gleaming purple eyes looked over the ponies, scrutinizing as they shifted their weight nervously between forelegs. Highly suspicious behaviour.

It was a rather strange collection of ponies gathered in the crystalline room. Sunburst, Lyra Heartstrings—and her best friend who she seemed to be attached at the hip to, metaphorically speaking of course, Derpy, and Donut Joe all looked at each other with wide eyes, except for Bon Bon, who narrowed her eyes at anyone but her partner.

Sunburst, ever the clever pony, cleared his throat and shyly raised a hoof. “Uhm, what exactly is one of us guilty for?”

Acting innocent. Starlight made a mental note before answering, “Stealing Spike’s trading cards.”

“And not just any trading cards,” Spike added. “My limited edition ultra rare holographic signed copies of the Guardians of Harmony cards!”

“So you had cards of all your friends?” Bon Bon asked flatly.

Spike did not waver, though his tail drooped a bit in what might have been embarrassment. “Yes, but that’s only because they were new additions to the Heroes of Equestria card set,” he argued, “And I figured, well hey, since I live with them why not have them sign them?”

Lyra and Bon Bon snickered amongst themselves, but Starlight wouldn’t let them get too comfortable. She lit her horn and separated the two of them several hoof lengths away from each other. “Enough! Look, Spike and I have already looked over all the evidence, so all you have to do is fess up.”

“Hah!” Donut Joe exclaimed in an uncharacteristically loud burst of feigned excitement that was probably just annoyance. “I’d like to hear this proof of yours, I don’t even know why you gathered us. I had nothing to do with this.”

Spike sighed and shook his head. “It all started when…”

The sun beamed down on Spike as he walked down the streets of Canterlot. His smile was almost as bright as the sun as he approached his favourite destination; Donut Joe’s.

Spike whistled as he turned the corner, clutching a side bag firmly in his grip. Cantlerlot wasn’t often a busy city, but it was full enough of ponies that Spike bumped into one in his strife.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Spike instantly said in the case that it was some prissy, high-profile hoity toity pony. Well, Hoity Toity was actually pretty cool. The dragon rubbed his head and looked to his victim, who was, luckily, none other than Lyra Heartstrings. At this revelation, Spike couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s no problem, Spike,” Lyra said, straightening up Spike’s satchel. “What are you doing in Canterlot?”

At that, Spike’s grin grew twice as large. “I’m on my way to the Canterlot Comics Convention, but I wanted to stop by Donut Joe’s to show him very impressive card collection.” He patted his bag with a prideful wiggle of his eyebrows.

Lyra nodded. “Wow! That’s so cool! I wish I had the time to go to the CCC, but I’m here accompanying Bon Bon on a…” she licked her lips and looked around, “…work trip.”

“Oh, Bon Bon’s here?” Spike looked around. “Where’s she at? She’s usually where you are.”

“She’s… somewhere, I’m not sure actually.” Lyra glanced behind Spike and frowned. “She’s probably just doing work things.”

“Oh, okay. Well, tell her I say hi,” Spike added, gripping his claws on the satchel’s strap. “I should get going, though. I’ve gotta get to Joe’s soon before rush hour hits.”

Lyra brought back her smile and waved. “Well, bye, Spike! I’ll make sure to tell Bonnie you said hi. And you gotta show me your cards sometime.”

“Wait,” Bon Bon interrupted.

Spike turned to Bon Bon. “What?”

“Is that why you brought us here? That little interaction?” Lyra continued for her.

Starlight nodded. “Yes, we have to explore every single suspect.”

“But there’s literally no way that I could have stolen Spike’s cards,” Lyra argued.

“Or me, for that matter,” Bon Bon added. “I wasn’t even there.”

“You and Lyra are never too far apart.” Starlight pointed at them, calling out the way they were even brushing shoulders. “It’s not a stretch to assume that you might have been doing some… investigating for Lyra.”

The two mares shared a somewhat alarmed look at Starlight’s choice of words. Bon Bon smiled weakly and cocked her head. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Spike started, “Lyra is a huge gerk.”

“I’m a huge what?”

“Geek nerd,” Sunburst and Spike said at the same time.

Bon Bon snorted in amusement but her teasing smirk was quickly shot down by Starlight’s stern glare.

“So who’s to say that she wouldn’t be interested in my trading cards?” Spike tapped his foot as Lyra failed to meet his eyes. “She even said she was sad she couldn’t go to the convention, and I know for a fact that she is into much stranger things.”

“But I wouldn’t steal,” Lyra said with a frown.

“Well, my imported oats would say otherwise,” Bon Bon teased as Starlight perked up.

The mint mare’s ears pinned to her head but her stare was sharp as knives. “Hey, that was different! You’re supposed to be on my side!”

“I’m on the side of justice.”

Starlight groaned. “Spike! Continue the story.”

It seemed that maybe Spike wasn’t as quick as he thought. When he approached the next street, he could already see the crowd of ponies forming during the rush hour. Spike breathed in deeply and puffed up his chest. “Alright Spike, make sure you keep the goods safe,” he told himself.

Being such a small dragon, Spike found it equal parts easy and difficult to manoeuvre through the crowds. He uttered pardons as he inevitably bumped into more ponies, but this time, he knew they weren’t his Ponyville friends.

Well, at least one of them was just a regular friend.

“Spike?”

Spike finally made it through the other side of the crowd as he heard the familiar voice. He looked over to Sunburst, who was in cosplay as a creature from one of Spike’s favourite comics.

“Hey Sunburst. Nice costume,” Spike greeted as he approached the unicorn.

“Thanks. Are you in town for the con, too?” Sunburst asked, speaking through a fake white beard.

“Yup! Just on my way to Donut Joe’s to show him my card collection.” Spike swung his satchel around. “It’s some pretty rare stuff. I’m hoping to trade for one of the reverse holo Grogar the Wicked full arts.”

“You must have some pretty impressive cards if you think you have a chance,” Sunburst responded honestly, barely unable to tear his eyes off of Spike’s bag. “I was going to grab something to eat, but I might just join you at Donut Joe’s instead if you don’t mind.”

Spike waved his claws. “Of course not! I’ll even show you the goods if you want.”

“Sure,” Sunburst agreed with a nod as he followed Spike down the street. “So, are you just going to trade?”

“Pretty much,” Spike told him, looking at the signs of the different buildings and restaurants they passed by. “I might look at some of the comics, but honestly I’m more interested in this trading card thing.”

Sunburst nodded. “That makes sense, but I thought you loved comics?”

The dragon shrugged. “Yeah, I do, but I’m a little grown up for it now.” He cringed and folded his arms. “No offense. I like your cosplay, I love Mystic Mares.”

“It’s no problem,” Sunburst said with a laugh. “I get it. And thanks, you’re the first pony to recognize where my cosplay is from. Most ponies think it’s Starswirl,” he added with a grumble.

Spike thought back to the first Nightmare Night he spent in Ponyville and laughed. “Ha! What Twilight would have given to have had your problem a couple of years ago.”

“I really don’t see how this incriminates me,” Sunburst said, adjusting his glasses with a confused frown. “All I did was accompany you to Donut Joe’s and then to the convention.”

“But you saw his card collection, did you not?” Starlight asked, tapping her hoof on her chin.

The stallion nodded slowly. “Well, yes, but—”

“And you’re highly prolific in magic,” Starlight interrupted. “I know that part for sure.”

“Yes… But I don’t—”

This time, it was Spike who said, “And you must know about trading cards if you knew that the card I wanted to trade for was worth a lot. Who’s to say you didn’t get jealous and stole my cards?”

At that, Sunburst looked panicked. “What?! I’d never do that!”

“Likely story,” Starlight shot back. “You were the only one with him the whole time.”

Spike nodded in agreement and crossed his arms. “Exactly. Well, except for when I met her,” he added, pointing a claw at Derpy, who cocked her head.

“Huh?” She smiled nervously. “But I didn’t steal your cards…”

“You crashed into me and knocked all of my stuff out of my bag.” Spike frowned. “Maybe you didn’t even do it on purpose, but you did put all of my stuff back in my satchel. Maybe you accidentally took it or lost it or something.”

Derpy simply shrugged in response with a simple little smile.

Starlight shook her head and rubbed her horn. “I think we’re getting a little off topic here. So then you and Sunburst met with me outside of Donut Joe’s, right?”

Both Sunburst and Spike nodded.

“Right, so last but not least is Donut Joe himself,” Starlight said, making a mental note of how silent the stallion had been the whole time. Quite unlike himself.

At the mention of his name, Joe almost flinched and widened his eyes. “Me?”

“That was suspicious,” Bon Bon stage whispered.

“I get nervous when I’m in situations like this,” Joe explained sheepishly, which Starlight thought was strange because it would imply this has happened more than once in his life.

“Anyway,” Spike interjected before everyone lost track of everything, “we went into Donut Joe’s and I put down my album of cards on the table before going to the bathroom to take care of business.”

“Gross,” Lyra mumbled.

“Then when I came back,” Spike continued as if he didn’t hear Lyra’s comment, “I opened the album to show everypony my cool cards and it was completely empty!”

Derpy gasped.

“So it could have been any of you,” Starlight finally said. “Which is why you’re here.”

The room went silent as everypony looked suspiciously at each other.

“Why not Starlight?”

Everypony turned to Sunburst, who suddenly cowered. “W-well, I mean, she was there too, right? So why is she interrogating us?”

Everypony then turned to Starlight, who seemed shocked. “Sunburst! We’re friends!”

“And yet you’re accusing me.”

Starlight had no argument against that. “Okay, well, Spike knows I’d never do that! I was only going because Trixie wanted me to buy her some… manga or whatever, and he was supposed to help me. Why would I sabotage him?”

“Likely story,” Lyra retorted in what seemed like a mocking tone.

“Honestly, I’m only helping because I love murder mysteries and this is about as close to that as I’ll ever get.” Starlight chuckled nervously. “I hope.”

Bon Bon and Lyra shared a look. “You really need a day job.”

Starlight sighed and rubbed her temple. “Well, it wasn’t me, and since all of you insist you’re innocent, then what could have possibly happened?”

“Do you have the album with you?” Bon Bon asked, directing her question at Spike.

The dragon nodded. “Yeah, actually. It’s on the table right next to us.”

On the table was an album burnt to a crisp. It was no wonder that nopony recognized it as evidence. Bon Bon raised an eyebrow. “What? That’s your album?”

“Yeah, I mean, before I left I might have sneezed on it, but I stomped out the fire quick enough.” Spike shrugged. “Never been a problem before.” He let out a quick chuckle. “Well, at least this time it didn’t end up in Celestia’s castle. Now that would have been fun!”

Everypony groaned. Starlight face hoofed so hard she wondered if it’d leave a permanent imprint. “Spike…” she hissed. “You burnt the cards!”

Spike waved her off. “What? No way. My dragonfire doesn’t burn it… sends… letters…” He frowned with every new word, realizing. “But it didn’t send.”

“Bingo,” Lyra deadpanned.

Spike’s jaw dropped as he fell to his knees. “So… my ultra rare cards…”

“Are gone,” Lyra finished for him. “Forever.”

Bon Bon smacked Lyra on the shoulder. “Lyra!”

Even after putting everypony through that, they couldn’t help but feel sympathy for the crestfallen dragon, whose spikes literally drooped with sadness. Donut Joe was the first to offer sympathy, going up to him and putting a hoof on his shoulder.

“Hey, if it makes you feel better, I have a couple of hoofball trading cards you can have.” He smiled sheepishly. “Maybe they’re not as cool, but maybe they’ll be worth something someday.”

Spike managed to smile a bit, though he still seemed severely upset. “Thanks, Joe. I think I’ll pass, though.” He sighed and rubbed his eyes in a not-so-discreet manner. “I’ll just have to trade up with what I have next time.”

Derpy patted him on the back. “It’s okay, Spike. I do things like that all the time.” She smiled at him, which at least got his smile to widen as everypony, even Sunburst, joined in for a group hug.

Starlight, although warmed by the sweet sight, couldn’t help but scoff. “This isn’t how murder mysteries go!”

Spike laughed as Starlight reluctantly joined the hug. “That’s just how we do it here in Ponyville.” He sighed. “And I just have to be more careful next time. I’m sure I could get my claws on more of those. I do know the actual Element bearers, after all.”

While Spike formulated a plan that probably wouldn’t work in his head, Lyra cleared her throat. “So… are we done? Because I have a meeting with the Conspiracists Confidential Group in ten minutes.”

The dragon nodded. “Yeah. Sorry to accuse all of you. I should have realized my mistake sooner instead of trying to blame somepony else for my actions,” Spike told everypony as he declared the week’s lesson for anyone who was confused.

“It’s okay,” Derpy answered for the group. “I actually had fun! But I’m sorry you lost your cards.”

Spike shrugged. “I’ll get over it. Maybe I’ll even grow out of the whole card thing.” He looked at Sunburst. “No offence.”

Starlight laughed and nudged Sunburst, who seemed to redden at the tease.

After a quick goodbye, Starlight and Spike were left alone in the crystal room. Starlight glanced at Spike, whose expression seemed a lot sadder than it had been while everyone else was still around. She frowned. Was he still upset? “Are you okay?”

Spike blinked a couple of times. “I’m sad about my cards but…” His expression shifted a bit. “I’m actually kind of glad. I realized I have something better than some pictures of my friends on mass-produced trading cards.”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! I have the real thing!” Spike grinned and hugged Starlight’s leg. She smiled and hugged him back.

Author's Note

Been a while. Here’s a Jinglemas story! I tried to keep it light and silly like something that could happen in the show, but I’m not sure how well it played off. It was fun to write, though, since I’ve never written a lot of these characters before.

Happy holidays!