The Funeral of Logic

by Hazmat Man

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Sad, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 1626

Someone attempts logic. It doesn't end well.

Logic is beaten to death and burned, then has its ashes collected and put in a coffin.

Basically someone who still has his brain rooted in logic tries to continue existing with his brain still rooted in logic.

My first attempt at comedy.

It should be obvious not to take this too seriously.

Published 2022-12-28 03:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-12-28 03:10:00 UTC

Logic 5 feet under

Celestia wiped away a tear. This was not how it was supposed to go.

She was about to screech out the unfairness of it all, when she was interrupted.

"You really should have seen this coming."

Celestia glared at the offending pony.

"I see it now. I should have promoted the night more."

The pony paused. Said pony gave her an incredulous look.

"What?" The pony let out rather slowly.

Celestia looked sorrowfully at the ruins of the castle. "Indeed, I should have reminded my little ponies of the worth of the night, not left my dear sister and her thestrals to be the only ones who didn't shun it."

The pony looked surprised and somewhat agitated.

"While that may have helped, you could also have just tried to find a way to put some time aside and talked to her.
In the name of God Celestia, how was Luna talking to you last time you had a conversation?"

"She talke-"

"An informal one."

"...She sounded happy. What is your point?"

"When was the last time you talked to her?"

"Today-"

"Informally. And before today."

Celestia wracked her brain... it was... oh god. Oh no.

"...A while."

"Celestia..."

"...Close to a year."

"Exactly! Even if she wasn't your sister, she was literally the "other" ruler. The other one who was meant to keep the country going. Your "counterpart". And you didn't check on her mental state for an entire year! It would have been better if you did it right, but you basically just went 'hello Luna, it's nice to see you', and smiled at her. You went entire centuries not properly talking to her. So I would say you haven't checked on her for a few centuries!"

"But-"

"I don't care! I was quite literally the only one who walked up to Luna, talked to her and gave her company! I could see where she was going, I went to you and told you 'Hey Celestia, maybe you should spend time with your sister.' and you said 'I'm kinda busy here talking to general Anfantonio the 4th, go away my little pony. (It was kind of funny you still didn't notice I was an alicorn. The nobles and common folk hastily creating a backstory for me and why you never mentioned me while you were unaware at the time was even funnier.)' She unsurprisingly felt betrayed. Not to mention came to depend more emotionally on me, for trying to stand up to her."

"She didn't try to talk to me!"

"Oh she did. Only once though, because she was somewhat shy. However, you were talking to general Anfantonio the 7th at the time. The 7th was actually a decent guy, not gonna lie. Unlike general Anfantonio the 17th. Really thought that one would live up to the one 10 generations before him, but he was a jerk."

"Alright, yes, I made some mistakes, but she could have tried harder!"

The pony sighed. "Yes, she could have. However, she was one of those who hid their anger and bottled it up."

"Bottled it up? Pray tell, where did that saying come from?"

"Don't try to distract me. So she kept her anger and bitter feelings till it grew, then when she ran out of space, she turned to me and spent it on me. Only me. There is a saying where I am from. "Never lean on one tree too long." I was that one tree. And despite her spending her anger on me, despite hugging me like a teddy bear all night, her anger didn't go. It simply was delayed. And then..."

Celestia was positively soaked in tears, and her horn was flicking on and off.

"And then what you bastard!" she practically yelled.

The pony had turned around in thought, but now whipped his head towards her "Celestia, I am just as old as you, despite the fact you spent more time as an alicorn! Learn not to swear at others!" His face had scrunched up in a manner that was extremely comical.

Celestia stared back, shocked that she was just lectured on not swearing. What was he, her father?

He went back to his position and started musing.

"And then you noticed that Luna had made me an alicorn, however accidentally she had done so. Took you a few centuries though. I suspect you only noticed when I grew as tall as you. And when you found out that it was something only Luna was able to do, you finally took some interest. You could have, at the time, gleaned that Luna was desperate to talk to you again. But you didn't. You just found out that Luna did it on a whim, and could never do it again. A one time power that she had accidentally used."

Celestia shuddered as she remembered.

"You took her aside and berated her. You asked her why she wasted what she had on some random pony like me, and not on some other one like Commander Beaming Shot of the army."

"And then I sent you away..." Celestia whispered.

"Yes. You did. Then you set a meeting to talk to general Anfantonio the 21st. You experienced what happened next."

Celestia whimpered.

"Oh come on, just bring her back from wherever you put her and the whole other thestral subspecies. I just came back from my trip, the one you sent me on despite my greatest efforts in convincing you otherwise. I am sure you, her and I could have a talk, and now that you understand the gravity of the situation-"

"What is with you and your strange sayings? Gravity of the situation?"

"-we should be able to come up with a calm, rational, understanding. Now, come on, bring them back. Even if you are afraid of Luna, you shouldn't have banished an entire subspecies."

Celestia blinked. "But I banished them to the moon for 1000 years."

There was a deathly silence.

"What."

"I Banished her and the entirety of her followers for 1000 years so I could plan out how to bring them back." Celestia sniffled. "But you're right. I should have found a way. To talk to her better." Celestia looked sadly onto the moon. She had forgotten to lift the sun after her battle.

Then something struck her. "That's it!" she exclaimed. "I will keep you with me so that when the time comes, I will be able to talk to Luna better." Then she scrunched up her muzzle, thinking. "But she might think you betrayed her, and that would make it worse. I can't use the elements to send you to the moon anymore." She smiled again, exited. "I will exile you to that place me and Luna agreed on was for exile-ing that we had yet to come up with a name for, for 1000 years!"

There was another period of silence.

"Celestia, what the hell."

"Hypocrite."

"That doesn't matter right now, lets calmly talk about this-"

She shook her head "Nuh-uh. You are going down there right now. If you convince me to do something else, my plan might not work!"

Celestia lit her horn and started focusing.

"Celestia this is a horrible solution please stop casting that spell, there are other, better ideas that we can think of, Celestia you bastard-ess stop right now, I still don't know how to use my horn for teleportation to get out because I was literally just an Earth pony a few centuries ago and had no interest in anything other than holding-"

Luna (errr... Nightmare Moon?) felt her only companion who was on her level be banished.

Her expression turned even more thunderous than before.

She turned to her thestrals. Her companions.

...Her companions, yes, but they never talked to her on a close level, despite numerous tries. They always revered her, and talked to her as though there were none that were on her level.

While that was appreciated, she wished for a friend like the one who had JUST BEEN BANISHED.

Her friend was not nocturnal, but he still appreciated the night. Her companion trusted her to keep him safe. When her companion slept, he was doing it because that was how he was created.

Of course, this meant a few sleepless cuddle nights for him, but her friend was an alicorn and could handle it.

Ooooo~ idea! Make her friend nocturnal so he could fully appreciate the night!

But now was not the time.

She focused her attention on her subjects.

"My greatest companion has been banished. The piece of excrement that was Celestia has now become an even more... demented piece of excrement."

Her subjects howled, screeched and yowled in rage and reverence. Celestia would forever be characterized as a demented piece of feces to the thestrals.

She turned around and glared at equestria.

I will defeat you Celestia, and then I will bring back my banished companion. Me and my companion will snuggle forever!

Said banished companion was having a fit.

"Celestia, what the hell!"

Author's Note

Correct me on mistakes.

This honestly came out on a whim.

Usually I am averse to such profane language, but quite clearly, not this time.

This probably won't get continued, so no sequel or more content for you. Not unless this gains enough good reception that is.

This was going to be a "human turn into pony and attempts to use logic" story, but I realized that it really didn't need that because 1. It doesn't change the story and 2. It is a one shot, currently.

You can make it your headcanon that this is a human become pony story, but it just isn't needed for the story to function.