The cassette clicks as the word 'play' blinks in white letters in the top left corner of the screen. There is a faint low buzzing in the speakers. Fuzzy white tracking lines flicker across the bottom of a black field. Then a shaky royal crest with Princess Celestia's head fades in, heralded by slightly warbled trumpet fanfare. The image and sound stabilize when the Wonderbolts insignia shows. Then it fades back to black for a tense moment.
Suddenly, sick electric guitar riffs evocative of but legally distinct from a certain popular song about a perilous zone blast through the speakers. The video opens on a tracking shot of hooves galloping swiftly down a tarmac before lifting into the air. An action montage of flyovers, roaring crowds and pegasi performing tightly synchronized aerial maneuvers follows with gratuitous abuse of transitional effects and garish lens flares. There is a spectacular POV sequence of a barrel roll where the land and sky invert. It closes on a silhouette of Captain Spitfire in her aviator shades watching a formation of pegasi streak across a fiery sunset.
The shot crossfades to one of the Cloudsdale flag fluttering high against a blue cloudless sky. A sustained screaming guitar chord fades into low key synth music as the camera quickly descends the flagpole to rest on a smug Spitfire, dressed in her captain's uniform and looking up.
"Ah, I love the sound of flags in the wind," she exclaims before turning to that camera and beginning her narration. "Hey, newbie, this is your captain, Spitfire speaking. If you're watching this then let me be the first to welcome you to Equestria's most elite aerial acrobatics team, the Wonderbolts. You've already proven that you've got what it takes to fly in the most prestigious Cloudsdale academy; now the real work begins.
The camera tracks the captain as she walks casually through the grounds of the academy. "I know you're eager for take off but before we go, there are a few things you should know. There's a lot more to being a Wonderbolt than barrel rolls, applauding crowds and locker room grabass."
Spitfire pulls open the training facility door, holding it wide for the camera to enter. "Let's take a look."
The camera zooms into the doorway and the scene crossfades to a blank white environment where Rainbow Dash stands, almost vibrating with excitement.
"I can't believe I'm a Wonderbolt," she all but froths at the mouth. "Let's hit the skies!"
"Settle down there, newbie," chuckles the Spitfire voiceover. "There'll be plenty of time for that later. Today's gonna be all about the lesser known aspects of being a Wonderbolt.
Rainbow looks down at the floor and groans dejectedly. "Aww."
"Now just because it's not an airshow doesn't mean it can't be fun. The academy offers a wide variety of obligations and tax deductible charity work to interest anyone."
Rainbow's ears perk up in tentative curiosity.
"I was gonna save this for the end but sometimes it's good to bring the big guns out from the get go. Let's go right ahead and talk about the greatest unsung pillar of our institution."
Rainbow grins with anticipation.
"Tedious math problems."
A wall of charts and chalkboards quickly scrolls into place behind Rainbow as the rest of her environment metamorphosizes into the most boring, dingy classroom she's ever seen. The cadet Wonderbolt stands frozen, looking like she just saw her house get demolished.
"Tedious math problems are the apex of aviation advancement," touts Spitfire proudly. "They're what separates pegasi from a flock of diseased pelicans."
Rainbow turns around to disdainfully survey the, completely foreign to her, equations and graphs hashed out across the chalkboard. She throws up her hooves in frustration. "Oh, come on. I don't need to know what g-force or a par… ab…ola is. I've been flying like a pro my whole life without any of this stuff." She crosses her forelegs obstinately.
"Have you flown with the Wonderbolts?" asks Spitfire's voice, dubiously.
Rainbow frowns. "Well… no, I guess not."
"Sit down and let me tell you a story."
Rainbow suddenly appears sitting in a classroom desk, prompting her to look around confusedly.
"Once upon a time there was a starry eyed pegasus just like you. Her name was Shooting Star. She grew up and one day got accepted into the Wonderbolts. She was a great flyer but always thought math was stupid and boring. She couldn't be bothered by silly things like knowing how rapid changes in direction and g-force affect the equine body. In fact, she cared about math so little that when it came time for her to take her tedious math problem exam, she cheated to pass it."
"One day at practice, she was ordered to do a downward helix drill with a four yard diameter but when she executed the drill, she made her turns just a little too tight. She aborted the maneuver and landed, complaining of headaches. Then do you know what happened?"
Rainbow shrugs. "She went to medical and laid down?"
The camera shakes side to side, mimicking a 'no' response.
"She puked her brain out through her nose right on the academy tarmac. Coined the 'no-brainer' maneuver. There's a historical plaque on the spot where it happened."
The scene quickly cuts to a lonely brass plaque embedded in asphalt before returning to a horrified Rainbow Dash.
"That's- that's not even physically possible," argues Rainbow warily.
"You wanna find out the hard way?"
Rainbow's lips tremble. "No."
"Then do the math, newbie and always follow orders."
An array of classroom desks slide in around Rainbow's to fill out the room.
"Hi, Rainbow Dash," greets an exuberant Scootaloo.
Rainbow turns to see the filly sitting in the desk beside hers. Her expression changes to one of shock. "Scoot- Scootaloo? You can't be in the Wonderbolts."
Scootaloo's eyes fall despondently to the floor. "Wow, thanks for believing in me," she scoffs.
"That's not what I mean. You shouldn't be here. You're too young."
"They lowered the age restriction and…" She creases her forehead. "Their standards. I thought you'd be excited."
Rainbow grits her teeth apprehensively "Well… I just…" She looks to her right to see Derpy Hooves staring blankly off into space. "Derpy?" she blinks in disbelief. "You shouldn't be here either."
"I feel cold and it smells like burnt popcorn in here," proclaims Derpy.
"You'll be taking this test four times a year as part of a stringent Wonderbolts continuing education program," continues Spitfire. "You're expected to score a ninety-two percent each time. Any less and you'll be required to retake it."
A pencil, test booklet and sheet of multiple choice bubbles for three-hundred questions appear on Rainbow's desk accompanied by a happy magical sound effect. About ready to cry, she slowly buries her face in her hooves. "This is the worst thing ever."
"No talking during the tests."
Rainbow and company proceed to quietly take an eight hour aviation math exam with two fifteen minute breaks and a half hour lunch break in the middle.
Afterwards, Rainbow appears outside the classroom door, downcast and dead inside.
"Not gonna lie, that was kinda disappointing... and soul crushing. Can we try something else?"
"We sure can," chimes Spitfire but in a gruff way.
The background collapses to reveal the outdoors on a sunny day in the park. Rainbow turns around to see a Wonderbolts booth spring up from out of nowhere.
"Another popular side obligation of being a Wonderbolt is community outreach. Building positive relations with Equestrians at events is an invaluable investment, especially when you're connecting with and inspiring the next generation."
On cue, a gaggle of excited foals trots up to the booth. "Yay, it's Rainbow Dash," exclaims the filly at the head of the group.
"She's my favorite Wonderbolt," adds another as the group crowds around her.
"Tell us about how awesome you are!"
Rainbow smiles pridefully. "Okay, this part is actually pretty cool."
"How fast can you fly?"
"I can fly faster than the speed of sound which is 760 miles per hour according to the eight hour math test I just took," she beams.
"Woah!" The foals look at each other in amazement.
"Do you have a coltfriend? Is it Thunderlane? You can tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone."
"I'll never tell," giggles Rainbow.
"Aw, c'mon! You have to!"
"I can't fly. Can you take me for a ride?"
"Sure but you have to ask your parents if it's okay."
"Do you always follow orders?"
"Of course I do."
"How can I be a real Wonderbolt when I grow up?"
"Train hard, don't give up and one day you might be as cool as me." She tousles the colt's mane.
"Rainbow Dash?" whimpers a filly in the back who is seemingly on the verge of tears.
Rainbow's smile fades just at seeing her distressed expression.
"What happens when you die?"
Rainbow's mouth drops open in shock. "I- I'm sorry, what?" she stammers.
"Oh, those little ones," chuckles Spitfire. "So many questions, so little time. Public outreach is only one of the non aerial stages you'll be performing on."
The scene begins to change and the group of foals slides away on the park path as if it's a conveyor belt. Still unnerved by the filly's question, Rainbow maintains eye contact with her as she and her friends disappear over the horizon. The path becomes a wide cobblestone street and the park becomes downtown Ponyville with busy stores, vendors and a larger crowd of shoppers than she's ever seen but she hardly notices, still upset by the offbeat inquiry.
"You're in the spotlight now, newbie," says Spitfire, "and everything you say and do will reflect back on the Wonderbolts brand and our standing in the minds of everyone you meet. Every time you go out, you should always look your best but most importantly be on your best behavior, honorable and courteous."
"Help an old mare across the street?" Asks Granny Smith, suddenly appearing at Rainbow's side.
Rainbow looks at her in surprise. "Really? I thought you liked your independence."
"And Ah thought ya liked bein' a Wonderbolt," she snaps.
"That doesn't sound very courteous, newbie," Spitfire interjects as she walks by in the crowd. "She's not going to think much of you or the Wonderbolts if you act like that. Same might go for her friends and family."
Rainbow scratches her head. "Uh… okay. She puts on a weak smile. "Let's get across this street." She takes Granny's foreleg and carefully escorts her across the bustling thorofare without incident.
"There you go, ma'am," says Rainbow, quickly turning around. "Have a nice-"
"Ah wish Ah had someone ta help me with grocery shoppin'," muses Granny, passive aggressively.
Rainbow winces but continues backing away slowly. "Yeah… that would be… nice," she agrees.
She looks away to see Spitfire walking back the other direction, nodding aggressively toward Granny in encouragement. Rainbow turns back and sighs. "Well, I can do that for you."
"Oh, bless yer heart."
Rainbow looks up at the grocery store sign as they walk in. "Patriot Mart?" she mutters. "Is that a chain?" She grabs a shopping cart and rolls up next to Granny as she shuffles into the first aisle. She sighs wistfully at the molasses in winter pace of the old mare, not from low energy per say but she is looking at practically everything before putting it back on the shelf. Occasionally she puts something in the cart. It takes them forever just to traverse three aisles and Rainbow is becoming more frustrated and fidgety.
"Can we maybe hurry up?" she grunts impatiently.
Granny squints back at her in irritation.
Spitfire's glaring face suddenly appears, looking through the shelf behind Granny.
Rainbow screams, recoiling in surprise.
"Remember to be courteous at all times, newbie." The captain places a jar on the shelf, blocking her view and effectively vanishing from the scene.
Rainbow laughs awkwardly, feeling her heart pounding in her chest. "What I mean is, take as much time as you need."
They continue shopping at the exact same pace. Rainbow's eyes begin to droop.
"Could ya get one o' them cans from the top?" asks Granny, pointing up. "Don't know why they gotta put 'em so high."
The product is sold out on the regular shelves and only the out of reach overstock shelf has any left but Rainbow doesn't feel like explaining that. She flutters up to the top. Then she snatches up a can and squints curiously at the odd label. "Condensed disillusionment?" she mumbles in utter confusion.
"That's the stuff. Toss it in," orders Granny. "Got a coupon."
She does as instructed and resumes pushing the cart slowly beside Granny. Now curious, she peeks down at the other groceries to see what else they're getting. Something that's just called fresh fear. A ten pound sack of regret. Mixed Failures and successes. A carton of evaporated legacy and a discounted box of unrealized potential.
"You're sure buying some really weird stuff," mutters Rainbow.
"Ah don't judge yer selections when Ah help you shop," she retorts.
"You've never helped me shop."
"Ah'm helpin' ya now, ain't Ah?"
"Wha- what?" blathers Rainbow in complete bafflement. "I'm helping yo-"
"Just follow orders and skip the sass," grunts Granny.
Rainbow grinds her teeth but says nothing further. After what seems like an eternity, they finish their shopping and the two amble up to the cash register where Spitfire stands as the checker wearing a shop apron. Rainbow is befuddled watching the captain tabulate the bill.
"That'll be forty-eight bits," declares Spitfire.
Granny looks through her bag. "Aw, shoot. Musta left mah coin purse at home."
Rainbow facehooves. "Are you shi-" She quickly remembers that Spitfire is standing right there and reroutes her language. "I mean, I'll just pay for you," she laughs. "It's no big deal."
Rainbow pays the total and the two exit the store. The pegasus voluntarily loads the groceries into the Apple family apple cart, wanting to hurry things along and avoid another conflict.
"And… there you go. All set. Have a nice day." She coils up, preparing to blast off into the sky and make her escape.
"Walk me home, won't ya?"
Rainbow's takeoff falters and she nearly stumbles on her face. "Walk you home home?" she moans. "Why?"
"Some lowdown snake might be waitin' in the bushes plottin' ta rob me o' mah virtue."
"Yeah, I kinda doubt that," sniggers Rainbow dubiously.
"What are ya implyin'," Granny squints back at her.
"I'm… just saying that you walk that road all the time so I'm sure you'll be fine walking back alo-" Her eyes flick over to a Wonderbolts recruiting poster taped to the grocery store window behind Granny that depicts a disapproving looking Spitfire which seems like an odd advertising decision.
"But I would be delighted to walk with you if that would make you feel better," adds Rainbow woodenly with a strained smile.
"Thank you. You're too kind... And don't forget ta pull that wagon fer me."
"Of course," Rainbow puts flatly.
She quickly hitches into the wagon and the two set off for Sweet Apple Acres. Rainbow soon realizes that her normal pace is much too fast and slows to that of a snail to match Granny. She rubs her face in frustration and checks the position of the sun, feeling every stolen second of her life as they slip away.
The scene transitions with a bottom to top wipe to the Sweet Apple Acres. It's early evening as Rainbow finally pulls the cart up to the porch of the Apple's farmhouse.
"Thanks a whole heap," says Granny.
"Uh-huh," mutters Rainbow, carelessly throwing off the harness and turning back to town without another word.
"Now can ya help me-"
Anticipating her next words, Rainbow Dash makes a U-turn, zips in and out of the house twice, unloading the wagon into the kitchen in 1.5 seconds before continuing to walk away.
"-cook dinner?" finishes Granny.
Rainbow growls agitatedly through clenched teeth. She spins back around, raising a defiant hoof at the old mare. "Listen, if you seriously think-"
The porch swing creaks loud enough to draw Rainbow's attention and she notices Spitfire casually swinging there. "-that I would leave without helping you cook a delicious meal, then you clearly don't know a Wonderbolt when you see one."
The scene flashes forward with another wipe transition to show a defeated looking Rainbow sitting down at the dinner table with the Apple family.
"More apple spinach casserole?" asks Granny.
Rainbow retches discreetly. "Uh, no, thank you. I'm full." There arises a clattering of utensils on dishes. Her eyes scan across a table of shocked and disappointed faces, finally resting on Spitfire who is seated at the opposite end, glaring back at her.
"I mean, yes, please." Smiling weakly, she maneuvers her plate to the repulsive casserole dish to receive a dishearteningly oversized portion of Granny's signature recipe.
"Might not be what ya wanted," mutters Granny, "but ya made it. Now ya gotta eat it."
"Did Granny adopt Rainbow Dash?" Apple Bloom asks her sister quizzically.
"No," blurts Rainbow indignantly, picking up a fork in her wingtip.
"Well, do ya live here now, at least?" asks Applejack. "Could really use some extra hooves fer burn season."
"I don't know," whines Rainbow. "I don't know if or when I'm allowed to make my own-" She looks back to Spitfire, only to see an empty chair and an abandoned meal because the captain has left and returned to her voiceover role.
An official looking letter with a royal wax seal flutters down from the ceiling, plopping gracelessly onto Rainbow's plated casserole before she can spear a piece.
"Sometimes you'll be unable to help a citizen because it conflicts with official Wonderbolts business and that's perfectly okay."
Rainbow curiously pops open the sealed envelope and unfolds the letter inside. The words appear superimposed over the scene in cursive as Rainbow reads them in her head.
The Wonderbolts are hereby invited to the Annual Canterlot Stodgy Dinner and Royal Snorefest.
Rainbow looks up from the letter as polite murmuring and a full bodied violin concerto fill the room. The camera pans out slowly from a close-up of her anxious face to reveal she is sitting in an exquisite banquet hall at a long table in the company of formally dressed nobles and business ponies all drinking and gossiping. The name tag on her spot says 'Rainbow Crash.'
"Playing with the kids is one thing but a good Wonderbolt also knows how to socialize at formal events with poise, grace and cut… cot- Uh… cout-"
The camera trucks in a quick blur down the ridiculously long table to rest on Rarity who wears a sparkling sequin ball gown. "Couture," she smiles, playfully flipping a curled lock of her mane.
"Yeah, that," agrees Spitfire gruffly. The camera begins to slowly truck back the other direction. "It's common for us to make public appearances sweating in our flight suits in a post show interview. Occasionally we'll wear our Wonderbolt regalia for an official ceremony. But it's a rare occasion when we go to a fancy dinner in a tuxedo or a big foofy ball gown. So make the most of it."
The camera stops on Rainbow Dash scowling in a big foofy ball gown.
"And remember, as always, when out in public, you should be on your best behavior.
"Hi, Dashie~," greets a fabulous singsong voice.
Rainbow looks to her right. "Zephyr Breeze?" she snarls in disgust. "There's absolutely no reason for you to be here except to annoy me."
"Stow that kind of talk, newbie," orders Spitfire.
"Still pretending you don't have a crush on me, I see. Looks like you clean up well. Still not as pretty me but then again, no one is," he cackles in her face. "Your hair could use a little work. Actually a lot of work. Who did your hair, anyway? Tell me so I can BEAT. THEM. UP."
"How come he can act like a jackass but I can't?" glowers Rainbow at the camera.
"Because he's not representing the Wonderbolts."
"Ugh."
"Now uncross those forelegs and put on a winning smile."
Rainbow puts on a crazed sneer as she listens to Zephyr jabber on about nothing. What little patience she has for him is quickly eroded and she slowly turns to face the opposite direction only to find that her other neighbor is Prince Blueblood who sits swirling a floating wine glass in the air.
"Can you believe they're floating new legislation for housing subsidies, in this economy?" he scoffs to her. "I mean, it's like trying to bail a sinking ship with a shot glass at this point and where exactly is that money going to come from anyway? We need to be focusing on regulating the banks; they're the ones who got us into this mess."
The two unsolicited monologues blur together into unrecognizable mush as Rainbow Dash begins disassociating, nodding her head absently every once in a while, lost in an array of shiny utensils while her brain goes on an adventure in some jungle ruins with Daring Doo.
She doesn't come back until a team of servers begin bussing platters of salads to the table. Rainbow picks slowly at hers if only for some meager mental stimulation and a distraction from the unceasing talking. It's been minutes, she thinks, since she uttered a word to either of them, yet they persist.
An idea suddenly pops into her head. She turns to Blueblood who is currently speaking the loudest. "Um, please excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom for the next… however long this event is."
"You can't go now," he replies aghast. "It's only the second course."
"I can if I have to use the bathroom," she retorts insistently. She turns around, her dress rustling against his muzzle and trots briskly across the marble floor. She gets to the double doors which are heavy and stick a little but she flings them open without help. After a premature sigh of relief, she looks ahead into what should be the grand hallway but is instead the banquet hall, the same one that she is in. She looks down the long pair of crowded tables, all the way to the other end and on the distant opposite wall she sees the same open double doors that she's currently looking through and herself standing in them. Startled by the sight, she looks slowly behind herself to see the parted double doors again, this time with herself standing there looking back at herself looking back at herself looking back at herself.
Somewhat perturbed, Rainbow slowly closes the doors and ambles apprehensively back to her designated seat between two stallions she can't stand.
"It's just an orientation," she mumbles to herself, staring down at her picked over salad. "It'll end at some point and things'll go back to normal." She shivers abruptly
"Are you getting cold?" asks Blueblood.
"It's just a chill," she replies wrapping her forelegs around herself.
"You should have just followed orders," proposes Blueblood casually before taking a sip from his glass.
She turns to him with a start. "Wait, what did you just say?
A platter on a hoof comes down between them and a server whisks the salad plates away, replacing them with soup and stuffed mushrooms.
Rainbow stares into her bowl of steaming red soup and slowly grabs a spoon with her wing. "What kind of soup is this?" she mumbles, stirring the bowl. Her agitation of the broth reveals something hidden under the surface. Some kind of plant, is her first thought but then she quickly realizes what it is when she pulls one up limp over her spoon. They are feathers.
"Ugh," she groans, her face contorting in disgust. "I think someone…" she looks around at the other bowls near her and it seems everyone got the same soup with feathers in it and all of them appear unfazed. "Must be some fancy pony thing," she guesses, staring back into her bowl. Though her weak hypothesis is enough to put her mind at ease, she still does not try the soup.
"Um, it tastes like… metal," announces Derpy worriedly, who sits diagonally across from Rainbow. "Everything tastes like metal. Is anyone else having that problem?" But no one seems to be listening.
Rainbow Dash suddenly becomes aware that her disengagement from eating and conversing hasn't drawn any criticism from the captain. In fact she hasn't received any guidance or commentary from her in quite a while. Why is she still here?
Rainbow looks around the room suspiciously for Spitfire's face in the crowd but she doesn't seem to be present in the room either. She clears her throat. "Okay… I get it. Wonderbolts sometimes dress up and go to fancy things. You made your point. Are we going to start the next segment soon?" Her eyes dart around the chandeliers above and the ornately painted cross vaulted ceiling, still seeking some sign of the captain. She sees nothing and gets no reply. "Guess I'll just… wait."
The dinner goes on and on, course after course with Rainbow showing tepid or no interest in every dish. All the while her two neighbors continue talking at her, only breaking to take bites or say something to a server. She'd never been to such a long and pointless event in her life and everyone else just seemed fine with sitting in one spot for what must have been hours, eating strange food. Aren't they full yet? Aren't they sore?
She is zoning out into the distorted brassy reflection of herself in a golden spoon when Prince Blueblood nudges her in the shoulder.
"Hey, let's get out of here."
Rainbow blinks at him incredulously. "How? How do we leave?"
He stands up and cocks his head toward the door. "You get up and walk out."
Rainbow follows his gaze to the same weird doors she tried before "I already… Okay, fine. Lead the way." She shoots out of her chair and the two approach the big double doors. This time a pair of guards are there who open the doors for them, revealing a normal hallway.
Rainbow can't believe it. She trots inside with excitement on her face and quickly throws off her dress, leaving it on the floor. "Ugh, glad that's over."
Just then, Spitfire's omnipresent voice finally resumes the narration. "Now that you're a Wonderbolt, you're gonna get a lotta action and I don't just mean in the air. Groupies and bigwigs alike are gonna be clamoring to rip that flight suit off you and get a taste of that sweet Wonderbolt wonderland you've got underneath."
Rainbow's eyes bulge. "Wait, what?" She looks back at Blueblood who waggles his eyebrows suggestively at her. Her face contorts and a chill of disgust runs down her spine. She quickens her pace to a canter, leaving him behind but screeches abruptly to a halt when she looks ahead to see him somehow right in front of her, gesturing at an open door to a private room sporting the same lecherous expression. Rainbow spins back around only to see him there too, waiting at a door she could swear wasn't there just a moment ago.
"What?" she gasps, breaking into an airborne dash. She zips down the corridor back toward the boring dinner only to find that it is now an endless hallway of infinite doors with infinite Bluebloods waggling their eyebrows expectantly in front of them. She skids to a stop, dumbfounded.
"Wonderbolts have a reputation for being amazing in the sack," continues, Spitfire. "Representing us well in the bedroom helps propagate the mystique of our organization. We do encourage intimate PR networking but always remember, you can say no to whomever you want. While we don't offer courses on this aspect of Wonderbolt life, if you ever find yourself questioning your abilities, don't hesitate to stop by my office and pick up my self illustrated brochure of mind-blowing techniques."
An open brochure floats up from the bottom of the screen in front of Rainbow’s face. Her eyes widen at sights of the captain she can never unsee. She quickly accordions the paper with her wings and looks back at Blueblood who is still waiting by the door with high spirits.
“No,” she says flatly.
Blueblood looks at the floor, crestfallen.
“Uh… but you can have this.” Rainbow gives him Spitfire's tip brochure.
He levitates the paper in front of him, examining it with renewed interest. Finally he shrugs and disappears through the door with the document.
Rainbow exhales a sigh of relief after the latch clicks and then she turns her attention back to the infinite corridor, hoping that it is now a little less infinite. She doesn't make it far before seeing Derpy Hooves being pulled reluctantly through another open door just ahead by an unseen stallion.
“Where are we going?" asks Derpy dazedly. "What’s happening?” She vanishes inside and the door clicks shut, followed by the sound of a deadbolt locking.
Rainbow turns to the camera in alarm. "Hey, this doesn't seem right."
“Derpy?" she calls out, rushing to the door. "Derpy, you can say no! Tell him no!” Rainbow pounds frantically on the door. "Hey!" She's about to turn around and buck the door down when it inexplicably squeaks open a crack.
She slowly nudges the door open to see a pitch black and seemingly unoccupied room. "Derpy?" she calls out again, warily stepping inside. Spitfire's voiceover continues as Rainbow clumsily explores the blackened room.
"Guys, make sure to wrap your shit up or take a spermicide potion. We don't just give your swimmers out like samples at the grocery store, not when we can charge a premium for them. You think tax money got us that bitchin' gymnasium? Nope. That was all from grade A Wonderbolt spunk and the less there is flying around in the market, the more we can charge for it. It's basic economics."
"What the hell?" mutters Rainbow, suddenly tuning back into the narration which seems to have gone off the rails. She bangs her foreleg on something in the dark and stumbles with a pained grunt.
"It's all fun and games during peacetime but what happens when war is declared? As a Wonderbolt, should the safety or sovereignty of Equestria ever be threatened, you will be among the first called to the front lines to serve your princesses and defend your homeland."
A single overhead light clicks on behind Rainbow. She turns and gasps at seeing a gagged Scootaloo, tied to a chair. Her face is bruised and battered with a bit of blood oozing from her nose.
"Scootaloo," she cries, rushing to her aid. "What happened?"
The orange filly can only respond with muffled sobs through her gag. Rainbow quickly tries to gnaw through the rope ligatures with her teeth as Spitfire apathetically continues to speak in an even tone.
"Court marshalling aside, any hesitation to carry out orders from your commanding officer could be the difference between victory or you and your whole team going home in body bags. Take the knife, soldier and execute that spy."
There's a nearby metallic clatter which draws Rainbow's attention from Scootaloo's unbreakable bonds. Her eyes fall on a sizable combat knife laying on the table beside her. Her blood turns to ice.
"What is this?" she shouts to the heavens in a desperate plight to the disembodied voice of her captain. "She's not a spy! Shes Scootaloo! She's just a kid!"
"No, newbie, it's a changeling spy. You'll see when you slit her throat. It's bug treachery 101. They exploit empathy. We need you to be cold-blooded and never question your superior. Pick up the knife and prove you're a real Wonderbolt and an Equestria-loving patriot."
Scootaloo shakes her head, whimpering as Rainbow eyes the knife. She pauses, looking at her own reflection in the sheen of the blade before carefully picking it up by the handle in her teeth. She turns to Scootaloo who's cries grow louder as she writhes desperately in her restraints. Rainbow begins to pant, watching the terrified struggling of who she thought was her adopted sister. She blinks in hesitation one last time before lunging forward, brandishing the blade.
"What are you doing, newbie?" barks Spitfire in admonishment. "This is insubordination! You'll be locked up for this!"
Rainbow flicks the knife across the bindings around the filly's midsection and then her gag. "Come on, Scootaloo," she cries. "We have to get you out of here!" Rainbow pulls her off the chair by the hoof, the split ropes falling away. The two flee from the room and down the narrow corridor of what looks like a dark, dingy bunker. They can hear distant explosions. A tremor surges through the ground, knocking clouds of dust from the ceiling and flickering the overhead lights. There are screams and yelling throughout the tunnels as ponies frantically scramble past them. The facility spralls in a chaotic maze of twists and turns with no obvious way to navigate. Everyone is running but it's unclear where to. All the while they're still catching pieces of Spitfire's narration.
"Celestia's vengeance will be swift and merciless."
"Eating your squad mate should always be a last resort."
"Bleeding out is a battle against time. A makeshift tourniquet can be made from rope, cloth or even a thick lock of hair."
"It's too late now, Rainbow Dash," cries Scootaloo. "Why didn't you just follow orders?"
Scootaloo's hoof suddenly slips from Rainbow's grip, prompting her to stop and whirl around. "Scootaloo?" She looks back to see the filly standing motionless as a two dimensional image. Tears are frozen on her cheek. Her whole self is made of wavering translucent scanlines. Rainbow reaches out to touch her but her hoof passes straight through, eliciting a static buzzing sound. "Scootaloo?" She shakes her head. "What's happening? I don't know what this is."
Rainbow turns back around and continues running alone through the chaos as another thunderous boom rumbles under her hooves. Tears come to her eyes as she tries to come to grips with the situation. Suddenly, Rainbow sees a flash of wings and stars in her eyes as someone airborne collides head on with her. She goes sprawling with them to the cold cement floor.
"I'm sorry," gasps Derpy, climbing off of her. "I'm sorry! This is my fault!" She begins to sob. "Something's really wrong. I don't feel good."
"Me either," agrees Rainbow, dusting herself off. "We should get out of here."
"This way," orders Derpy, taking to the air and shedding a couple of loose feathers."
"Do you know the way out of the orientation?"
"Maybe." She flutters her wings and takes off down the hall.
Rainbow follows her lead as chaos rages around them. They skim over the heads of frantic unicorns and earth ponies while ducking under doors and weaving around corners. At last, she makes a turn and sees Derpy's silhouette flapping onward into a blinding light. The two race out of the open door and suddenly they're flying high in the sky.
For a moment, the camera is whited out before the scene comes into view. They're in their flight suits and goggles now, flying in a seven pegasus Wonderbolts strike team, payloads of incendiary explosives strapped to their barrels. Explosions rip across the front line of the combat zone below them as they push into enemy airspace at a harrowing low altitude. Their speed is reduced from the drag and they keep a loose formation as a defense tactic.
"Ten klicks to the target," shouts Spitfire over her withers from the spearhead position. "Arm your bombs."
Just then, an errant surface born laser blast cuts through their ranks, clipping Derpy in the left wing. She cries out in pain, immediately losing her stability and plummeting sharply. Her feathers burst into flames and she rolls, losing her inert payload as it flies from her prematurely.
"Shit," swears Spitfire.
"Derpy!" Rainbow turns and doubles back."
"What are you doing, Crash? Stay on course to the DZ!"
"I can catch her!"
"Negative," barks Spitfire. "Stay on course!"
The captain's words die away beneath rumbling explosions and violent wind as Rainbow begins a desperate divebomb in pursuit of the falling mare. Her wings struggle to push her past terminal velocity with the equipped incendiaries but she gains on Derpy as a trail of smoke and flaming feathers spirals around her. The ground is coming up behind her too fast.
Rainbow clenches her teeth hard and stretches her forelegs ahead of her as far as they'll go. Her hooves clamp down on the top of Derpy's whipping blond mane and she immediately parachutes her wings to soften their descent but it's too late. She screws her eyes shut.
"Sit on my shoulders, Rainbow. You'll see better from up there."
She feels a pair of big hooves grip her around the midsection. Then she opens her eyes just in time to see her dad's excited face before he plants her over his neck. She instinctively grabs his mane and looks out over the top of an awestruck crowd. A cluster of Wonderbolts roars over the stands, leaving immaculately spaced smoke trails.
"Look," he points to the sky. "Know what that's called?"
"Delta formation!" she shouts
"That's right," he laughs.
The pegasi circle back in a synchronized group barrel roll before suddenly breaking apart in every direction like a rack of billiard balls.
"Woah," she exclaims, keeping her eyes on the single smoke trail climbing straight up. She shakes her dad's head with her little hooves. "Dad, I wanna be a Wonderbolt when I grow up!"
"Hah! It's a lotta hard work but someday I know they'll be begging you to join!"
"Yeah," she agreed.
She blinks and suddenly she's sitting at a table across from Pinkie Pie at the Golden Oak Library. The two of them try to stifle their laughter as they pretend to read.
"Shhh, she's coming," warns Rainbow.
Twilight Sparkle enters the room stained almost completely orange with weird soap suds.
"Rainbow, did you switch the labels on my lab bottles?" she asks with a huff.
"No," giggles Rainbow with a complete lack of sincerity.
Twilight scowls. "You didn't actually come here to research the migrational patterns of wood ducks, did you?"
Pinkie and Rainbow burst into raucous laughter with Pinkie nearly screaming as she pounds her hoof on the table. When Rainbow looks up again, she's in her old grade school classroom, taking a math test at her desk.
She leans toward Fluttershy who sits next to her. "Psst. What's the answer to number four… and also all the rest of the questions?"
Fluttershy jitters nervously with a pencil in her mouth. "Please stop talking," she whispers. "You're going to get us in troub-"
"Miss Shy," scolds the teacher harshly. "You know there is no talking during the test. I will not warn you again."
"Ye- yes, ma'am," she whimpers.
Rainbow averts her eyes to Scootaloo's cute-ceañera party. She's unwrapping her gift now and pulls out four disks from the little box.
"Oh, new scooter wheels?" she asks, looking over at Rainbow.
"Not just any scooter wheels," she answers. "They're magical. They light up when they spin and leave a rainbow trail behind you just like me when I fly."
Scootaloo's eyes get huge. "Woah! Thanks, Rainbow Dash!"
The strange montage of randomly spliced together scenes continues and she sees so many things from the banal and serene to the glorious and embarrassing. She sees things she hasn't thought about in years, things she thought were gone forever or seemed like they happened to someone else. Sometimes they're just silly inconsequential things that feel like they wouldn't stick and yet suddenly here they are again like all the sediment of her brain has been stirred up and anything could happen.
Rainbow sits in Thunderlane's lap in the tiled corner of a shower stall. His forelegs are wrapped around her barrel and she shudders from his hot breath in the crook of her neck.
"Hey, do you hear that?" he asks.
Rainbow pauses to listen but the only thing she can hear is the nearby dripping of the shower head that she didn't quite turn off before getting tackled by him. "I don't hear anything."
"Exactly. No one's here."
Rainbow smirks. "You know what you have to do first."
"Stand up or lay down?"
She jabs him in the side and laughs. "No. I'm not gonna be someone's side mare, especially when the other mare is my friend. I could lose my element... Maybe I should just tell her myself."
"I don't think you'd really do that," he mumbles into her mane.
She rests a hoof on his cheek. "I don't think you'll do it either, so we're kind of stuck then, aren't we?" She sighs and closes her eyes, focusing on the embrace and the contact between their soaking wet but warm bodies. In her mind she is still in the realm of permissible flirtation. It's the very edge, a gray area she'd tread upon confidently here but not in public.
Please, can I just stay in this one, she wishes. But no sooner does she try to hold onto the moment than his touch melts away into cold pain and she opens her eyes.
Rainbow lays on the ground in the combat zone, her breathing labored. Her body is shattered and unresponsive to her commands. A short distance away lays Derpy, staring back at her with unblinking eyes and an open mouth. Blood drips from her lips into a red puddle in the dirt and the feathers on her hit wing still glow with smoking embers. The smell prompts Rainbow to also notice the metallic taste in her own mouth.
Beyond Derpy, she sees a lone orange filly running toward her, emerging from the smoke with an anguished face. She wears a saddlebag and a helmet with a red cross.
"Sss- Scoo… Scoolooloo," Rainbow gurgles weakly before closing her eyes again.
The camera gallops in Rainbow's perspective down a dim and empty corridor of the academy. Every door is shut and their windows dark and for once it is quiet. Ahead she can see a single light at the end where a solitary pony waits there for her. She slows her pace when she realizes who it is and that there doesn't seem to be anywhere else to go. She stops and swallows before Spitfire who stands stone-faced beside a black door labeled 'cast in order of appearance' in white letters.
"Is this the end of the video?"
"Yep," nods the captain.
Rainbow frowns. "It all seemed so short."
"You didn't seem to think that when it was happening," argues Spitfire.
"Now what happens?"
"Not sure. All I know is it has to end and there's no rewind button. You already know what I'm gonna say next. I might be obligated to tell you as your commanding officer but I think you've already heard it enough."
Spitfire's eyes flick to look past Rainbow. She turns around to look behind and sees the corridor melting away as black nothingness gets closer and closer.
Spitfire speaks with urgency now. "Rainbow, I know we didn't always see eye to eye but that's only because you remind me of me and everything I wish I still had. I'm sorry."
"Not as sorry as me, you're not," she smiles weakly. "I really screwed up."
"Can't do anything about it now," adds Spitfire. She looks behind Rainbow one last time. "You gotta go." She reaches over and yanks open the door to the credits.
Rainbow pokes her head through cautiously to see an endless expanse of blue sky with great streaks of white clouds above and below. Spitfire slaps her on the flank and shuts the door just before it evaporates out of existence. Before her are two lines of countless ponies stretching away as far as she can see. All of them appear to stand in mid air, their eyes trained on her as if they'd been waiting for her arrival. The space between the two rows makes a natural path and somehow it's also solid beneath her hooves too.
She recognizes the first two ponies immediately, her mom on the left and her dad on the right. The crowd erupts in applause as she hugs the both of them.
"We're so proud of you," they say in unison.
"I know."
The three of them cry and it takes them a long time to let go but the next faces she sees are her babysitter and Fluttershy. After that, there are friends and teachers from elementary school. There are ponies she hasn't seen for years. There are ponies she doesn't know that well but she still remembers them and there they are. There are ponies she had crushes on and one's she had fights with. There are weather control pegasi from her old job. There is Pinkie Pie and Applejack and Rarity and their families. Scootaloo, who she hugs tightly. There is Twilight Sparkle and Spike and the two princesses.
She sees Lightning Dust and Soarin and everypony from Wonderbolt Academy. Thunderlane. Spitfire. They all give her a salute as she hugs her pet tortoise, Tank. She looks straight up to see even more Wonderbolts flying above her head, circling around a brilliant light. She doesn't recognize any of them at all but by their fatigues, she can tell they're from long ago. Maybe she never knew them but somehow they were always there. The warm light shines down on her brighter and brighter as she closes her eyes and exhales.
The cassette ejects.
"Where's your CO?" Spitfire shouted, curling up against a crumbling wall, her goggles above her eyes.
A projectile screamed overhead, making Scootaloo flinch. "I- I- I don't know," she stammered, the spent auto injector falling from her trembling hooves. Rainbow's eyes wouldn't open. Derpy wouldn't move. She wouldn't breathe. The filly fixated on Rainbow's bloody mouth while feeling her neck for signs of life. Most of her injuries appeared to be fall related but she'd also sustained hits from enemy fire.
Scootaloo was frozen inside, unable to process, unable to accept that this was real. Tears streamed down her face. "I don't know what to do," she sobbed frantically. "They- they don't have pulses!" She began digging through her pack for something, anything. Her brain fumbled with the modest medical training she'd received but there was nothing to grab hold of that could defy what she already knew.
"I- I can save them," she wept, "but I just don't know how! What do I- Help me! Please help!" Scootaloo felt a hoof on her withers and turned to see Spitfire shaking her head mournfully.
"You can't do anything. I'm sorry, kid, they're gone. Grab their tags and fall back to cover."
Author's Note
When I started writing this, it was intended to be a straight up comedy similar to the Krusty Krab training video… but then I listened to the voices and it became Amanda the Adventurer meets Jacob's Ladder.
Ignore the date on the last post and don't be afraid to leave a comment if you have a thought.
If you’d like to support this insanity, you can buy one of my novels.
You are now aware that the cover art says 'velocity' with an arrow pointing straight down into a smudge.
