What Ifs?

by Unity Bringer

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Romance, Flurry Heart, Starlight Glimmer, Sunburst
Length: 2655

Starlight isn't a child person. But Sunburst is.

Starlight isn't a child person. But Sunburst is.

She was not good enough for him.

That was the thought that stabbed through her mind as she watched Sunburst play with Flurry Heart, gently playing with the toddler in front of him, seeming enamored by him as they together danced around the Hearths Warming tree, the younger filly leading her husband around and pointing at the ornaments she put up.

Starlight was never like that with young kids.

Or what it means to be a parent.

(Jinglemas story for XP45)

EDIT: Featured?! Didn't expect this - and second in the box! So surprised. Thank you!

Published 2022-12-31 23:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-12-31 23:00:00 UTC

The Only Chapter

She was not good enough for him.

That was the thought that stabbed through her mind as she watched Sunburst play with Flurry Heart, gently playing with the young filly in front of him, seeming enamored by him as they together danced around the Hearths Warming tree, the younger filly leading her husband around and pointing at the ornaments she put up.

“Uncle Sunburst! Look! That’s the one I made!” Flurry Heart said, pointing a hoof at the snowflake in front of her.

“All by yourself?” Sunburst said, with a small look of surprise - but smiled a knowing smile as the filly nodded excitedly.

“All by myself!” Flurry confirmed, before pausing. “Well, uh - mommy helped me get the supplies set up. But that’s all!”

“That’s a big job you had - and it looks like you did a real good job.” Sunburst leaned down to give the filly a hug with one leg, making her giggle while she beamed proudly.

Starlight was never like that with young kids.

Sure, sit her down in front of a school full of high-school or college aged individuals, and Starlight would have no problem directing them. Twilight had made her sure of that fact.

But kids younger than thirteen? Forget about it.

She could barely handle the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and that was just because they had finally come into their own.

And so she stared, tail swishing behind her unconsciously as she stared at the two, feeling… inadequate.

“How’s it feel like to be back in the Crystal Empire after so much time away?” Starlight said, nudging Sunburst on the couch they were on. Shining Armor had left to put Flurry Heart down for the night, and the two of them were now sitting on a couch, warming by the fireplace until they chose to return to their room for the night.

“... Strange. Working in Ponyville has changed a lot of my habits since moving there,” Sunburst said, lifting one of his hooves to push up his spectacles. “But… it was also nice.”

“I’m glad that we chose to go here then. Not to mention, I think it would have been a bit… weird to spend time alone in the castle, without anypony else there.” From what Starlight knew, Twilight had invited her friends and their families up to Canterlot for the holiday, and that meant that generally, the castle was empty. The students had gone home to their families, Trixie was apparently going to visit her own family… and that left her and Sunburst alone for the winter break.

Starlight shivered slightly before continuing. “If there is one thing about the castle I don’t like - it’s that it feels way too big and cold for only two ponies.” At least in the Crystal Empire’s castle, there were gems that emitted warmth due to the nature of the Crystal Empire.

“That much is true… I mean, it’s nice that we get to live there - and to use the library,” Sunburst added, making Starlight smirk slightly before he went on. “But it is rather ominous when there aren’t many ponies around.” He shifted, closer to Starlight - his cape covering them both for extra warmth at the moment. “But that’s not the main reason I’m glad we’re here, actually”

“Oh?” Starlight asked, raising a brow as she tilted her head. “What’s the main reason then?”

“Well… it’s because of Flurry Heart.” A small smile appeared on his face, as he looked towards the flames dancing in the fireplace. “It’s been a while since I’ve properly seen here, you know? She’s grown a lot since then, and it made me realize something.”

Immediately, Starlight felt her heart stop, freezing. After a moment, she shook her head, hoping Sunburst hadn’t noticed her tensing. “What did it make you realize…?” There was a forced lightness to her words as she spoke, leaning in towards him.

“That I missed so much of her childhood.” Sunburst said, ears flicking back as they pressed against his head. Starlight felt her heart beat normally again, feeling the tension melt out of her. Right. That made sense. She felt irritated that she felt relief even as Sunburst felt distress, but she was just glad that it wasn’t that topic yet.

“I just… don’t get me wrong, Starlight. I love working with you and I’d never regret being your vice principal. I love being able to teach at the School of Friendship. But…” He sighed. “I just wish I had been able to be there for her more. I may no longer be the royal crystaler, and I know that they didn’t need me as much as before - but I didn’t realize how much I missed until I saw her now, you know?”

For a few moments, Starlight was silent, frowning. She couldn’t completely understand that feeling. Yes, she could imagine missing big milestones was something of a sad thing. But overall, wasn’t it a relief to not be an over-glorified babysitter? Still, this wasn’t about her and her feelings. This was about Sunburst.

“I guess I can see how you’d feel that way. But… look at how you were with her earlier.” Starlight said, snuggling into his side slightly, before indicating with a head nod towards the tree to their side. “She adores you, Sunburst. Maybe you don’t get to spend everyday with her anymore, and only see her every once in a while - but she loves you. That’s clear to me, and that should be clear to you as well.”

“I guess you’re right,” Sunburst murmured, his smile widening slightly as he looked towards the tree. “She even calls me ‘Uncle’. Would never have imagined myself becoming an uncle this young, but… things happen.”

Glad to have alleviated her husband’s worries, Starlight closed her eyes, simply enjoying the warmth of the fire.

“All of this made me think… about becoming a father though.”

There it was.

Flinching, Starlight opened her eyes and scooted away from Sunburst slightly, looking over at him. She was still under the comfort of the cloak, but there was now a space between the pair. “Oh… did it now?” She said, still forcing an airy tone to her voice. This time, however, she saw Sunburst’s gaze turn concerned slightly.

“I mean… unless you didn’t want foals, Starlight,” he said, hurriedly, blinking slightly as he realized what he said. “I wouldn’t force you into doing something you wouldn’t want to do.”

“No, no, that’s not the problem-” Well, not completely at least, she thought to herself, avoiding Sunburst’s gaze as she stared at the floo - now feeling her partner’s stare prickling the back of her neck. How she wished to avoid this conversation - if she was less of a mare, she would whip out her magic and teleport across the castle - no, across the country if she really wanted to escape. Sure, it would leave her drained of resources for days, but it would avoid this conversation for a week at least.

Starlight knew putting off the inevitable was not going to work, however - and it would hardly be fair to Sunburst to try to escape or wiggle out of this conversation one way or another, despite that being the first instincts she had.

Instead, she gently scuffed a hoof into the couch before speaking up. “The problem is… I’m not the mare who you think I am.”

“Starlight-” Sunburst said, eyes widening as he lifted a hoof to touch her, but she firmly shook her head, now meeting his gaze, feeling moistness build up in the corner of her eyes.

“No. Let me finish Sunburst,” Starlight stated, before taking a deep breath, ignoring the buildup of emotions as she tried to push it all back down. “You know what the world sees me as now - someone who’s a great student of Twilight’s, head mare of the School of Friendship, someone who is able to be looked up at as an example.” She bit down on her lip. “But I’m not… I don’t know if I’m mother material,” she said, finally feeling the heaviness in her chest clear up at the words, as if a weight had been lifted.

“I didn’t even know my mom, as you know. At least not much since I was only five years old,” she said, frowning. Her mother had died from an illness back then, and her memories weren’t great at bringing to life the mare that had brought her into this world. “I don’t… know how moms are supposed to act around their kids. No offense, but your mom was probably the worst example I could have.” At that, she smiled, trying to make it seem ike a joke before the smile crumpled away.

“You know me - how I was! I was controlling, and still sometimes am with my friends - feeling like I need to have all the possibilities of a situation under control, otherwise I’m a mess. Like I always need to have a backup plan.” Starlight winced, recalling several of her worst moments as a student of friendship - from a bit of mind control to bottling her emotions or selling her best friend’s home without a thought in the world to how it might affect her - there were several examples to pick and choose of when the worst side of her took over.

“I just… when I look at Cadence, I see how perfect she is with her kid. How perfect of a mom she is. And then I see you.” Starlight said, seeing the shock on Sunburst’s face, and feeling worse than ever - but still going forward. She had left all of this unsaid for too long, and might as well get the rest of it out.

“I see you with Flurry Heart, and how much you connect… and I know how much you love her. And how good you’d be with your own foals.” Finally, a smile reappeared on her face, as she imagined the scene in her mind of a future with Sunburst. “You’d be a great father, Sunburst. I know it as much as I know anything else.”

The smile died once more. “But… I don’t think I can be a good mother. If anything, I think I’d ruin a kid. I don’t want to mess up our own foals! I don’t want to do anything to hurt them. I don’t know how to act around little foals, or to handle them, or anything!” She squeezed her eyes shut, hard, whipping her head away.

“And you deserve better than that,” she whispered, tail tucking close to her side as she got ready to say the next words, curling her legs closer to herself. “You deserve better than me. I’m… willing to give things up if that’s what you want. Because Sunburst, you deserve to be a dad.”

For a few moments, there was silence in the room, barring the crackling of the fire in front of them. For those heartbeats, Starlight felt her heart sink, and she awaited… something. Sunburst getting up. Sunburst speaking…

What she didn’t expect was to be swept up in a hug. Immediately, her eyes opened in surprise to see her husband hugging her close to his chest.

“Starlight… I-I’d never leave you! Please, never say anything like that again,” Sunburst said firmly, after the slight stammer at the beginning, as he squeezed her against him. “I love you - and if I want to have foals at all, I’d want to have them with you.”

“But-” Starlight began, but Sunburst quickly pressed a hoof to her mouth, shaking his head.

“Let me finish now.” Sunburst said, looking more critical than normal. “Maybe you’re right that you’re not ready to be a mother yet - frankly, I-I’m not ready to be a father yet myself.” He shook his head.

“But you don’t have to be. You don’t have to be ready now - and honestly, I don’t think any parents are ready really for the realities of having a foal. Remember how Shining and Cadence were in the beginning of their parenthood?” Slowly, Starlight nodded in affirmation. “T-They were wrecks. But… they got through it. Learning to be a parent is something that all ponies have to do when they have a kid.”

“And I don’t think any parent is perfect…” He frowned, shaking his head. “L-Look at our own, after all. And we’ll probably make some mistakes… both of us. But we’re partners. And we’d work together through it. I don’t think you’ll mess up our kid at all. Starlight, you’ve worked so hard to make up for your past and grow - and yes, sometimes you slip - b-but that’s why I’m here. That’s why your friends are here.”

“... You don’t think I’d be a horrible parent?” Starlight said, blinking as she felt water on her cheeks now, realizing that at some point the tears she had held back had fallen down.

“No. I think you’d be a wonderful parent. A wonderful mom,” he said as he gave her another tight hug, as Starlight relaxed into his embrace, enjoying the warmth of the moment, and feeling a relief like no other flowing through her.

“Uncle Sunburst?” Two bodies immediately moved away from each other, startled at the sound of another voice - both mare and stallion looking at the young filly entering the room, looking more than a bit tired.

“Flurry Heart?” Sunburst said, eyes widening as he looked over at the yawning filly. “... Aren’t you supposed to be in bed now?” He said, raising a brow.

“Maaaaaaybe,” the filly said, looking more than a bit sheepish before coming forward to sit in front of the two. “But I wanted to give you and Auntie Starlight something.” Behind her, levitating in a small glow was a plate and two red envelopes.

“Auntie…?” Starlight said, raising a brow at the comment, glancing at Sunburst, who shrugged slightly.

“Well… yeah! You’re married to Uncle Sunburst which makes you my Auntie,” Flurry Heart said, beaming at the two, before she looked closer at Starlight, frowning slightly. “... Were you crying, Auntie?”

“... Just a bit, Flurry. Hearth’s Warming Eve feelings,” Starlight quickly lied, using a hoof to quickly swipe away the leftover tears, as a genuine smile broke out on her face. “Now what are you doing up?”

“Welllll - I was putting out some cookies for Santa Hooves, and wanted to give you two some since you were still up!” Flurry said, beaming slightly. “Oh, and I wanted to give you your cards as well.” Swishing her horn, the plate deftly landed between the two, with the letters landing in each of their respective laps.

Curious to see what the filly had written for her, Starlight lit her own horn up and opened the envelope, getting the card from inside. A cheesy Hearth’s Warming Eve slogan and picture of the fire that goes on the top of the trees lay on the front, but what was inside was what really warmed Starlight from her snout to her hooves.

Deer

Dear Auntie Starlight,

Happy Hearth’s Warming! Oh, and please give happy thanks to the students when you go back as well!!!

- Flurry Heart

PS.
Please come around more often with Uncle Sunburst? Ponyville is sooo far away!

Looking up from her card to the expectant face of the filly, Starlight felt her smile grow as she quickly moved forward to hug her… almost-niece. “We’ll definitely visit more often,” she said firmly. “And that’s a promise.”

Maybe she wasn’t ready to be a parent yet - but she could learn to be. Sunburst was right. And while being an aunt would be good practice for now…

Maybe one day she could be a mom.

Author's Note

Hope you like it <3