Anon, Anon, And Anon Goto Hayburger

by Slippin_Sweetie

Rating: mature
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity, Slice of Life
Length: 1265

So a horsefucker, brony, and ponyfag walk into a Hayburger...

A minimum wage cashier is forced to listen to the most foul, disgusting, and vulgar conversation in his life by three strange fillies.

Content warning: swearing, slurs, and mentions of NSFW content.

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Published 2023-01-02 22:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-02 22:30:00 UTC

Three Gay Caballeros

I’d thought I’d seen it all working this job, rude customers, whining children, changelings using their disguises to abuse specials. Yup, I’d thought I’d seen it all at twenty-three, but as it turns out, the ignorance of youth is still very much present, and I haven’t seen shit yet.

It was just another slow day at the Ponyville Hayburger. The lunch rush had already come and gone hours ago. The rest of the staff, including the manager, had all pulled straws to see who had to sit at the counter to ensure any customer who came in could get service.

Well, apparently, soda straws aren’t the right kind of straws to draw straws, so everyone just made me go up front. (Thanks, guys.) It’s not like standing up front was difficult. In fact, the hardest part of the job is finding a way to entertain yourself.

But I would’ve given up my day’s pay to sit back in the break room to play cards today.

It was around late afternoon, maybe around 4 pm, before I saw three fillies walk into the store. All of which had a bright green coat and the same cutie mark. I’m already nervous. The only time we ever had multiples of the same-looking pony was the ‘too many Pinkies incident’ and a changeling invasion not too long ago.

Sometimes I wonder why that Changeling disguised as me gave me fuck-me eyes. Anyway.

They strolled up to the counter, murmuring amongst themselves in whispers before one of them cleared her throat.

“Three Hayburger combos with Coke.” ordered the first filly.

“Hey, I want Pepsi!” whined the filly to her left.

“Shut up, you contrarian faggot. Nobody likes Pepsi.” snapped the first filly.

“Jesus Christ, can you fucking retards order something without arguing?” groaned the last filly to the right of the first one.

What’s a Jesus? At this rate, my jaw was on the floor. Never in my life had I heard fillies use such foul language. I wasn’t sure whether to correct them or just take the order. Something deep within the very fiber of my soul told me, ‘just take the order.’

“Uh…” I quickly clear my throat before I put on my best smile, “If you want Pepsi, that’s alright. We have both Coke and Pepsi products. Is there anything else I can get you?”

“Rainbow Dash.”

“Is the ice cream machine working?”

“No, and no.” snapped the first filly, “You broke ass ziggers can’t even pay me back five bits back, COLLECTIVELY! What makes you think I’m buying you fat asses ice cream? Anon #2, why the fuck did you ask for Rainbow Dash? Of all things, that’s not even on the menu!”

‘Anon #2’ gave a light shrug as she simply responded with, “Cope.”

The first filly groaned as she sighed, “What’s the total waggie?”

At that moment, I was at a loss for words. Never in my life had I seen anypony around here use slurs or be so belligerent to one another. Had something gone wrong? Was there another world-ending event happening, or did Twilight fuck up another spell or something?

“Excuse me,” Chimed the first filly politely, “What’s the total?”

I quickly snapped out of my daze before I hastily replied, “Oh ah…fifteen flat?”

The first filly pours a few bits on the counter before counting out the exact amount, sliding over two extra bits to me, “Keep the change.”

“Oh, thank you, ma’am," at least they were good tippers, “I’ll get right on that right away.”

The fillies trotted to a table a few yards away from the counter before I quickly sent a ticket to the kitchen for the cook to prepare the burgers and fries while I got the drinks.

As I approached the table with a tray of drinks in my maul. I couldn’t help but overhear their chatter,

“Alright, so somepony came on the sheets last night. So I have to ask who the fuck was masturbating in the bed last night?”

“Masturbating?” replied the other to fillies in unison.

The first filly pressed a hoof to her temple, “Faggots, literal faggots….why didn’t you invite me!?”

“Because you were sleeping, tard!” snapped one of the fillies.

“You could’ve gone down on me when I was sleeping. I’m into that shit!” retorted the first filly.

“You snooze, you lose.” shrugged the other filly.

“Fuck you,” sighed the first filly, quickly noticing my presence, “Oh, hey, the drink,” she’d promptly take the tray from my mouth before sitting at the table and continuing on as if I wasn’t even there.

“Alright, so what are we going to talk about today? Sex with best pony, wanting sex, worshiping Celestia, hating Celestia, arguing if anything past season one and two is worth watching.”

“Can we talk about Them’s Fightin’ Herds?” inquired the second filly.

The third filly rolled her eyes, “That’s barely related to this conversation.”

“Oh, you are such an elitist, Anon. Can’t you let other people just enjoy things?”

There’s a long pause…

The table quickly erupted in a rowdy fit of laughter, “That was a good one, Anon!”

At this rate, my hooves could’ve been glued to the floor. I just felt trapped, forced to listen to this cesspit of a conversation. How in Equestria did they not notice I was still standing here? Did they not care? I mean, it could be assumed so, given how they talk to one another in public. I can only imagine what they say behind closed doors...

My train of thought is interrupted by the chime of the service bell, “Order up!” shouted my co-worker.

I quietly trot away from the table, lest they actually take notice of me. Collecting their order from the kitchen window and returning back to the table.

“Y’know…” sighed the first filly, “I’m glad I’m with you guys forever.”

“What are you, gay?” replied the second filly.

“Is it gay to be a straight man trapped in a mare’s body?” inquired the first filly.

“You were never straight, Anon. Let’s get that out the way.” chuckled the third filly.

“Whatever, last time I’ll ever be nice to you ungrateful faggots.” hmpf’d the first filly.

The two other fillies rolled their eyes before taking notice of me.

“Oh, the food’s here, thanks, bro.” said the second filly, taking the tray from my maul.

“Is the Pepsi here?” politely asked the third filly.

“Oh yes, I made sure of that,” I say with a smile.

“Thanks, man, really appreciate it.” smiled the filly.

“If there’s anything else I can get you, please let me know.”

The fillies would smile politely and rather sweetly, tell me no.

“Oh no, it’s fine; we’ll be okay, man.”

“Yeah, go take a smoke break or something, man; it’s all good over here.”

“You want to join us? Get off your hooves for a bit.” offered the last filly.

I nervously chuckle, “Ah….no, thank you.”

“Suit yourself, so anyway, what were we saying?” asked the first filly.

“I already forgot,” smiled the second filly.

“Hey, shut the fuck up and eat your food before it gets cold.”

“It’s literally hay on a bun with cheese. It can’t get cold.”

“He means the fries, you mongoloid.”

They carried on like that for another hour before leaving the store without much fuss. Leaving me to recollect for the rest of my shift. The same hour playing on loop in my mind over and over again. Trying to figure out who they were, or *what* they were.... I need a new job.