Laetitia et Douleur

by Absentialucci

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Sad, Scootaloo
Length: 3231

Everyone deals with grief differently.

We all experience loss at one point in our lives. Some of us more early than others. How we deal with it is dependent on many things. The environment we grow up in, how often we've experienced it, how young we are when it happens... But most important of all, we are never alone. Times of grief, you can lean on your friends. They'll help keep you afloat while you steady yourself.

Published 2023-01-08 20:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-08 20:00:01 UTC

Chapter 1

And the candle was passed to Scootaloo…

Snow. Snow was beautiful, outwardly. Each flake unique, yet it was nearly impossible to tell when it covered the streets. Individuality swallowed up by all of the others being unique too, until all that was left was a giant, white blanket. Expressionless, and rendered to be only an inconvenience for the passing ponies.

Scootaloo pulled her wings in more closely to her body, wincing at the movement, and tightened her scarf with a booted hoof. It was early, the sun was barely up. Not many ponies out and about yet, so the sereneness of the snow blanket was, as of yet, mostly undisturbed. Her hooves made tracks in the deeper parts of the snow, and she had to jump over the occasional drift.

Nurse Redheart said that my wings might grow properly to support my weight, but that it was unlikely.

Scootaloo sighed, thinking back to the sympathetic, snow-white face of the Earth Pony.

***

“Just give me the bad already nurse. No need to beat around the bush.”

Scootaloo had prepared herself mentally for the pain, but at that point she just numbly wanted an answer.

“Well… first there’s some good news!”

Scootaloo had just slowly blinked at her. Her forced, excited tone was overall unnecessary.

“Ahem. As I was saying, based on these latest results from the magical tests… I can positively say that you’ll no longer experience sharp pain at random intervals and lengths throughout the day anymore! There was an… improper healing of some of the bones in the wing, and as a result your thaumic leylines weren’t properly cycling your innate weather magic…”
She flipped through a few pages on her clipboard, before continuing.

“When you went under the anesthetic spell, we had to re-break the wing bones in order to set them correctly. It’s… fortunate we caught this so early on in your life. It could’ve been… problematic later on in life. As it is now, you should make a full recovery. Now, as for the origin of the breakage…”
“It’s not your business, nurse.”
Scootaloo had interrupted. That was ancient history, long buried behind tears, betrayal and loneliness.

“Right… Well, the improper setting might have been why your wings are much smaller than average. Now that they’re set to heal properly… well, your magic will have to form new furrows through your wings. This… might allow them to trigger the growth necessary to provide a large enough thaumic circle for you to be able to fly.”
“But…?”
Nurse Redheart had sighed.

“But, at this stage of your physical development… it just might not be able to provide the energy needed to give you the lift necessary to fly. You might be able to manage to hover for a short time but full flight at this stage is… unlikely.”
“Understood.”
Scootaloo dully responded to her, then hopped down from the table she had been laying on.

“Scootaloo, are you…”

Scootaloo, having just opened the door, paused. A few minutes of silence passed and then…

“Thank you, Nurse Redheart. Have a good night, and a Happy Hearth's Warming.

“Y-you too Scootaloo. And I–
Scootaloo then let the door click shut behind her, cutting off the words she knew Redheart was going to say.

***

Scootaloo ignored the harsh wind as it cut through her layers. The cold didn’t bother her that much, it never had. She knew it was cold, she could see her breath after all. The snow was obvious, but she didn’t feel cold. She paused briefly at the top of the hill she’d climbed during her musing. The schoolhouse wasn’t too far, and she could see Cheerilee unlocking the building, her saddlebags full of materials, preparing for the day to start.

It’s almost like nothing’s happened at all.

Scootaloo firmly beat back the flash of anger she felt at that thought.

That’s not fair to Cheerilee. Creatures die… the world moves on. It doesn’t just… freeze.

She adjusted her saddlebags so that the weight was more evenly distributed, and started down the hill.

It wasn’t long before Cheerilee noticed her, and shot her a smile that would’ve warmed Scootaloo straight to her core had she been actually cold.

“Good morning Scootaloo! Taking advantage of the morning calm?”

“Yeah, something along those lines.”

Cheerilee’s smile wavered briefly.

“School doesn’t start for another hour or so. You’re welcome to come inside, of course, but what brings you out so early?”

“House feels empty.”

Scootaloo said bluntly, then shrugged.

“No reason to sit in bed staring at the ceiling.”

Scootaloo brushed past her teacher, and started carefully taking off her winter clothing.

Still have to be careful with the wings… they’ll probably be sensitive for a while yet.
Cheerilee quietly left her to her devices, and started preparing the schoolroom for the day. Scootaloo sighed.

Another day goes by. No real change.
Scootaloo thought that she should feel bitter about that, but in truth she just wanted to get through the day, go home and finish her homework, then collapse onto her cloud bed and await the start of the next day.

***

Scootaloo vaguely remembered Cheerilee going through the day’s lessons, showcasing interesting parts of the subject, doing her best to make the day enjoyable for everypony in class. She also remembered dutifully taking notes, raising her hoof whenever she had a question, and going through the day’s work. Before long though, Cheerilee was passing out the homework assignments. And not long after that, she dismissed the class. Scootaloo started to carefully organize her saddlebags. Separating her notes from the graded papers, and putting the homework in its own folder. Notebooks went in next, a couple of textbooks, pencils… she had forgotten to pack herself a lunch so she didn’t have to worry about any tupperware to clean after school, or to forget in the lunchroom. Her friends had offered her parts of their own lunches, but Scootaloo had declined. She wasn’t all that hungry, and would often just eat at home.

“Hey Scoots!”

Scootaloo felt some of the webs in her brain clear up, and she smiled. She couldn’t tell if it was a genuine one or not.

“Hey Sweetie, how’s Rarity doing?”

The small Unicorn winced.

“She’s… okay. Started working again today. Seems like she’s back to her old self but…”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes turned a little misty.

“Well, I can still tell that she’s hurting, no matter what brave mask she tries to put on her face for me. I had to tell her that I was a big filly, and that she didn’t have to pretend for me. She tried waving it off, but I just hugged her. It didn’t take long for her tears to start falling again.”

Sweetie gave a bittersweet smile.

“She tried to apologize for making my shoulder and mane messy after, but I told her it was okay.”

“You’re a good sister, Sweetie.”

“It’s always just been the two of us, for as long as I can remember. And sisters always know.”

Scootaloo’s smile wavered for a brief moment, but she didn’t let Sweetie see that.

“I think she needed that though. Anyways, Applebloom and I were going to head to the treehouse this afternoon. Applejack was going to help us upgrade the headquarters! That way we can be Cutie Mark Crusaders all through the winter too! We’re going to install a fireplace with a chimney and everything!”

Scootaloo finished packing her saddlebags, then absently started following Sweetie out of the schoolhouse.

“Where is Applebloom anyways?”

“Oh! She’s right outside. Always the first to leave.”

She giggled.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

“No surprise there. She was pretty much fidgeting all day. I think Cheerilee was giving her the stink eye too, so she probably booked it as soon as she could.”

“Classic AB.”

Sweetie Belle giggled again.

Scootaloo opened the door and held it for her friend.

“Such a gentlemare.” Sweetie teased, as she walked through.

“Well, I figured that since you and Rarity always carry yourselves all prim and proper, it was fitting.”

Sweetie adopted a cultured voice.

“And it is very much appreciated, my good mare. Shall we partake in tea and crumpets before luncheon?”

Scootaloo almost fell back laughing at that. More of the webs in her head cleared away.

“But we already had lunch, Sweetie!”

Scootaloo followed her out.

“We did! Sure! But you didn’t!”

“I told you, I wasn’t all that hungry.”

Sweetie made a ‘hmpf’ noise, then tilted her nose up, and her voice took on a haughty tone once more.

“Well pardon me and my… esteemed, refined friend for not quite buying that, madame.”

“Sweetie, Scoots!”

Scootaloo turned her attention away from her Unicorn friend to find the origin of the voice.

“Y'all coming? Applejack n’ I got the materials over to HQ this mornin.’”

Two Earth Ponies stood at the base of the hill Scootaloo had walked down in the morning, clearly sisters. The elder of the two tipped her Stetson, which she insisted on wearing everywhere, and smiled at them.

“Ah figured I’d help you three troublemakers out a lil’ bit. Ah apologize for my insistence, but somethin’ bout’ three young fillies setting up a chimney makes me right nervous, it does. N’ Granny Smith would have mah hide if I let y’all get hurt.”

Sweetie grinned at Scootaloo.

“Rarity’s coming too! It’ll be perfect!”

The younger of the two sisters frowned.

“Sweetie, ah thought it’d just be th’ three of us with AJ fer supervisin?’”

“Oh! I couldn’t resist telling Rarity, and she insisted on helping! Even made us matching work uniforms!”

Applebloom fidgeted with her bow, as she shot a worried look at Scootaloo.

“Are, uh… y’all sure that’s a good idea?”

Sweetie cocked her head to the side, clearly confused. But Scootaloo had halted, her own smile fading away. She slowly felt the cobwebs encroaching again.

Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today in remembrance…

Scootaloo slammed a wall of ice down on that train of thoughts almost as soon as they had crept out from the dark closets within her head. She felt her eyes sting.

Not now… not in front of Sweetie and Applebloom!
She forced a smile out, but not quickly enough. Applebloom’s tawny eyes met Scootaloo’s, and held her gaze. Hurt on behalf of her friend. Scootaloo forced herself to drop her gaze.

“Thanks Sweetie, but… I-I have some homework I need to take care of.”

Scootaloo tried to not look at Sweetie as her posture drooped.

“Oh… okay. I-I guess we’ll see you later then?”

Scootaloo bit her lip, and nodded. Glancing once more at Applebloom, who still held her in that piercing stare. She couldn’t hold her gaze, and turned away.

“I’ll… see you two tomorrow, okay?”

Sweetie just nodded sadly, and watched her go.

As soon as Scootaloo’s back was to her friends, she wiped her eyes with the back of her foreleg, then firmly marched away. She only looked back once, when she was far enough away that they couldn’t call her back. Applebloom had moved to Sweetie’s side and was murmuring softly to their Unicorn friend. Sweetie listened for a moment, stiffened briefly, then looked miserably at the ground. Scootaloo tore her gaze away, but not before she saw Sweetie’s eyes glistening.

She didn’t mean anything by it…

Scootaloo’s internal voice whispered as the cobwebs slowly took over her mind.

She doesn’t know what it’s like.

But that didn’t stop the hole Scootaloo had slowly been icing over in her chest from being reopened anew. She choked back a sob, and started running. Past concerned faces, through the paths she’d made in the snow previously, away from her friends.

But never able to run away from the gaping hole in her chest.

***

Scootaloo didn’t really notice the time that passed while she did her homework. But she remembered finishing it. She had lit a candle to help her see in the slowly dimming sunlight. She glanced at the textbooks she’d brought home. She should study. Some of the subjects were harder than the others, but she just couldn’t bring herself to focus. She just wanted to go to sleep.

She stood up and stretched, then picked up the candle. She briefly considered making herself dinner, but decided against it. She started up the cloud staircase, careful to not drop her light. She passed the upstairs restroom, and then another room. She paused briefly, considering the red scooter leaning against the wall. Just barely visible in the flickering light. She sighed, and kept walking until she stopped in front of a door emblazoned with a rainbow lightning bolt. She traced the bolt with her other hoof, before gently pushing the door open. The walls were decorated with inspirational posters about the Wonderbolts. She stepped fully in and let the door click softly behind her, then gently placed the candle on the shelves, illuminating the room with a flickering light.

She sniffed, and rubbed her eyes again, then slowly walked to the bed. Sitting down on it, she picked up a book, opening it to the bookmarked page.

“Alright Squirt, fine fine! But only a few more chapters, okay? You have school tomorrow! I know it seems like you’ll never need that egghead stuff, but it’ll come in handy. Believe me!”

Scootaloo stared at the open page, not really seeing the words.

“What do you mean I can’t go in? Who cares if I’m not related, that’s my sister in there!”

Scootaloo closed her eyes, and let herself be absorbed by the memory.

***

“I’m sorry miss, but only direct family members are allowed inside.”

Scootaloo flared her small wings out, ignoring the fiery bolts of pain that sent through her body.

“That. Is. My. Sister!”

The tired Unicorn doctor pulled his mask down and frowned at her.

“You’re not listed as her sister, I’m sorry but we simply can’t allow just anyone inside the room. Please, you’re disturbing the other patients. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Scootaloo bit back several choice words, and resisted the urge to make any obscene gestures with her wings. But she stood her ground defiantly for a while longer, and when it became clear she wasn’t going to be let in, she turned and marched out the door.

She had just recently spent time here. She knew the layout. She’d just wait until night fell and sneak in.

Getting in after hours was more simple than she’d thought it would be. Ponyville was a small town, so security was light. She inhaled deeply, then exhaled and quietly pushed the door open.

“H-hey sis… sorry I couldn’t get in earlier. Some ponies thought that I wasn’t family or something.”

There was a rhythmic beeping.

“B-but, well… I got in anyways. There’s…”

She looked down briefly, then finally let herself see the prone figure in the seat. Rainbow Dash’s chest rose and fell steadily.

“I uhm… brought you something…”

Scootaloo turned and rummaged around in her saddlebags, before producing a book.

“We… never quite got through the whole series so I…”

She inhaled shakily.

“Thought th-that I could read to you for once.”

She pushed a chair up to the Rainbow’s bed.

“Is that okay?”

Beeping and the rhythmic sound of Rainbow’s breath were the only answers Scootaloo got.

“I’ll uhm… pick up where we left off…”

Scootaloo licked a wing, then flipped through the pages until she got to the bookmarked page.

“Daring Do had just recovered the artifacts and escaped the temple… all she had left to do was present them to the museum, you know?”

Scootaloo looked at Rainbow for a moment, let out a shuddering breath, then pulled herself onto the bed with her surrogate sister. She carefully adjusted herself so she was nestled against the older Pegasus’s side, just like they’d done so many times before. She rested her head on her sister’s chest, taking comfort in the heartbeat and the gentle rising and falling of her chest. The beeping faded into the background, and suddenly she was in their cloud bed.

Then she started reading. She took it slowly, because some of the words were pretty big, and she wanted to make sure she sounded them out correctly. She knew what most of them meant, but pronunciation was hard sometimes. She turned the page, and kept reading. Rainbow’s breathing seemed to slow, like she was relaxing. Scootaloo nudged her in the side.

“Hey, stay awake. We’re almost done.”

She turned the page again. The rhythmic beating of Rainbow’s heart seemed to fade a little bit. Scootaloo paused in her reading.

“S-stick with me. Please? I just… I just want to finish the series with you.”

Scootaloo choked out a sob.

“Y-you still need t-to tuck me in. Give me a kiss on the forehead, a-and chuckle as I swipe at you irritated.”

She nuzzled into Rainbow’s neck, desperate to keep feeling the heartbeat.

“You never let me read, Rainbow! Please! J-just once! Please!”

It was harder to feel Rainbow’s heartbeat now. It had always comforted Scootaloo when she had bad dreams, or a rough day at school. It had always beat steady and strong. She had grown accustomed to falling asleep with that heartbeat. Confident that no matter what she was afraid of, that heartbeat would save her.

Scootaloo reached as best as she could to wrap her wings around her sister. Desperate for her heartbeat to save her from the one thing she feared more than any nightmare.

“Please Rainbow!”

Scootaloo shook her sister lightly.

“Please Rainbow, I need you, please!”

“J-just one more story? A few more chapters. That’s all we have left, a few more chapters.”

The rhythmic beeping that had matched the beating of Rainbow’s heart slowed, before a low, steady beep sounded. Her chest no longer rose, but simply fell. A low sigh seeming to leave her.
Scootaloo desperately shook Rainbow one more time, as if the sheer force of her mind could bring the sister she loved back.
“Rainbow! Wake up! Wake up!”
Scootaloo started crying. Not caring about anything.
The door cracked open, and Scootaloo felt a magical aura surrounding her.
“No! Don’t take me away from her! She needs me!”
She clung desperately to her sister’s chest, but the magical aura wouldn’t relent, and she soon found her hold slipping. She fought, and struggled. But nothing she did mattered.
Eventually she just went limp, and let herself be floated out the door. But her gaze never left the cyan Pegasus with a prismatic mane. The last thing she heard before the door clicked shut was a low voice speaking.
“Time of death, 0247.”

***

Scootaloo wiped her eyes, and brushed the book in her hooves. Maybe one day she’d finish the series. She slowly closed it and set it aside.

But not tonight. She glanced at the shelves on the wall, a Wonderbolts uniform on display, and beside it an empty tortoise shell. The candle burned strongly, a comforting warm glow in the darkness.

Tomorrow was a new day. Her friends would be there for her. She still had them. And they knew her better than anyone. They’d know how to make her feel better, because after all…

Sisters always know.

And the candle is passed.

Author's Note

In memory of Ninjadeadbeard.