Howling To The Moon

by Belle_Goodmare

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Romance, Princess Luna, Porn, Fetish, Comedy, Profanity, Crossover, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7640

It was supposed to be just a normal day at the office-actually scratch that this is a fairly normal day at I.M.P, interspecies fucking included.

Working at I.M.P is a lot of things, it's rewarding, stressful, but most importantly of all (ideally) respectable. But sometimes we forget that we're messing with volatile demon magic, and we can accidentally send one of our employees to another dimension. But here at I.M.P we make due even in the worst of situations, just ask the employees about the management.

Helluva Boss and MLP crossover and first ever clopfic.

Made for Furry Foray Festival- https://www.fimfiction.net/group/216716/furry-foray-festival

Content Warnings: Lesbians/F/F, BDSM, and interspecies

Published 2023-01-08 02:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-09 09:49:38 UTC

Family Meeting (SFW)

“Alright,” sighed Blitzo, already irritated with the meeting despite it had only started literally seconds ago, “Let’s go over a few things, yeah?”

The Imp scanned across the table, seeing the general state of his ‘professional’ employees. All of which but Moxxie were on their phones, and even then, his fellow Imp looked about as fed up as he did.

“Hey! Cocksuckers!” snapped Blitzo, slamming his hands against the already cracked table, “We’re having a fucking meeting here!”

Loona looked up from her phone before ever so slowly and carefully placing it on the table, crossing her arms as she gave her ‘father’ an unimpressed glare that screamed, ‘I have better things to do than listen to your shit heap.’

Millie quickly stuffed her phone away in her pocket before attentively listening to Blitzo resting her elbows on the table as she placed her head in her hands.

“Alright, that’s a lot better now.” sniffed Blitzo giving a firm nod as he walked over to the stained whiteboard. Quickly spraying it with a cleaner that came with it. Despite the fact the entire endeavor was futile, given the fact that board, in particular, more than likely had a stain from anything but excessive marker use.

After attempting to ‘clean’ the whiteboard, Blitzo began scribbling away before presenting his crude and hastily drawn picture of the 'family'.

“Today, we’ll be talking about employee respect. Now I know this company is a family, and family sometimes disagree with one another. But, it’s important to acknowledge the boundaries and privacy of one another.”

Silence.

“The fuck are all of you staring at me for!?” snapped Blitzo, throwing his arms up in exasperation.

Moxxie quickly answered, “Sir, you are the worst at respecting our boundaries and privacy! You practically stalk Millie and me nearly every day!”

“Yeah, and you use my specialty shampoo even though I left you notes and told you not to use it. Dick,” grumbled Loona.

Blitzo sighed, rubbing his temple with his index fingers, “Millie, do you have anything to add since apparently today is ‘be a dick to Blitzo day’?”

Millie shifted in her chair uncomfortably. Even she had limits when it came to Blitzo’s snooping, “Well…maaaybe you could be just a bit more considerate.” she answered lamely.

Blitzo sighed, “Guys, this is a meeting about EMPLOYEE respect, not about me. So….” he’d lamely gestured his hands toward the table.

The table collectively rolled their eyes before Millie and Moxxie turned to face Loona.

Moxxie gave Loona a smug smile that seemed to grow wider with each passing second. As if the Imp had waited an eternity for this moment.

Loona scowled at Moxxie crossing her arms, “Someone looks happy.” spat Loona.

Moxxie cleared his throat, reaching into his suit jacket before pulling out a slip of paper and reading glasses, “Well, first off, you openly mock and belittle me personally; you don’t flush the toilet, or clean up after yourself in general.”

He’d continue, “You call me fat, faxed me a weight loss program, eaten my lunch multiple times despite the fact I labeled it, and-”

“Alright, Moxxie, this is a board meeting, not an intervention.” interrupted Blitzo, turning to Loona; he excitedly clasped his hands together as he eyed his ‘daughter’ with an affectionate gaze.

Loona rolled her eyes before sighing, “Well, you-Mille Always- you just-ugh! You two clearly don’t respect me as a professional either!” gritted Loona, even she knew she was grasping at straws.

Millie did her best to mediate, giving the Hellhound a sympathetic smile, “Look, Loona, it’s not that we don’t respect yah or appreciate what you do. If you could just be a smidge nicer to everyone else. We wouldn’t have a problem.”

Loona opened her mouth to reply, “I-”

A sudden ringing sound echoed through the room as Blitzo reached into his breast pocket for his phone, “Hello, thank you for calling The Immediate Murder Professionals. Blitzo speaking.”

“...Uh huh….fucked your number one stallion? Yup, she’s a real cheating whore….yes sir, I completely agree with you the death penalty WAS excessive. You were just protecting your animals….mhm….yeah, we can meet-oh. You can just give us half of the money now and the other half after the kill….alright well, we’ll get right on that. Thank you for calling.”

Click.

Blitzo stuffed his phone back into his breast pocket before looking up at the table, “Alright, so apparently, we have to go to Kentucky and kill some bitch who fucked a horse.”

The table silently stared in disgust at Blitzo.

He chuckled, “Yeah, I know…” he quickly clapped his hands together, “Alright fuckers, you know the drill, Moxxie, Millie, get me some horse tranquilizers. Loonie, open a portal to the great incestuous state of Kentucky! ”

Millie excitedly clapped her hands as she bounced up from her seat, “Ouuu, I always wanted to see someone get shot with one of those! C’mon, Moxxie!” she said quickly, grabbing her husband’s hand and pulling him out of his seat and dragging him out of the room.

Loona sighed but did as she was told, getting up from her chair as she fetched the book from her desk in the lobby before returning. Loona quickly skimmed through the dozens of spells unknown to her. Really, the fact any of them could open portals was a miracle.

She’d wonder if it was possible to go to other places aside from the human world. Was there a way to travel universes? Given the fact this was some serious demon magic, it could be entirely possible, which terrified her at first. The first couple of times, she and the rest of the group had hidden behind tables and taken cover. But now, this once terrifying act had become nothing more than a mundane part of the job.

Loona peered up from the book, “Does an Equestrian Center in Knoxville work for you?”

Blitzo waved her off, “Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever.”

Loona rolled her eyes, focusing her intent on opening a portal to The Equestria Center….wait.

The room thundered as it began to shake, as the book violently shook in Loona’s paws, causing her to toss the book on the table. Its pages flipped wildly as the book began levitating above the table and toward the ceiling.

“What the FUCK did you do!?” screamed Blitzo, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU JUST DONE!?”

“NO!? WHAT’S HAPPENING!?” screamed Loona.

“I DON’T KNOW, THAT’S WHY I WAS ASKING YOU!” shouted Blitzo.

A pentagram started to carve itself into the table, etching its way through the fine cherry wood before the large symbol glowed a crimson red.

Blitzo fell to his knees as he began to sob, pressing his hands to his face, “NOT THE TABLE, THAT WAS CHERRY WOOD!”

The book suddenly slammed itself shut, the room immediately stopped shaking as it fell to the ground making a dull thud once it fell onto the floor.

Blitzo slowly rose to his feet as he approached the table, seeing the massive portal placed right in the middle of the table. Suddenly he realized, where was Loona!? Terror clasped his heart like an iron chain as the Imp frantically looked around the meeting room.

“Loonie? Loona!? LOONA-”

“I’m right here, Blitzo,” Loona said calmly, pulling herself out from underneath the table. She’d approach the edge of the table where the portal was, making an effort not to look down.

“Have you looked inside yet?” asked Loona.

“Fuck no, I am absolutely terrified,” answered Blitzo.

There was a long pause.

“.....On three?” offered Blitzo.

Loona sighed, slowly nodding, “On three.”

“One, two, three!” the pair quickly peered over the table, looking inside the portal to see.

It was a large city inhabited by colorful little ponies. Going to and fro from their little jobs and living their lives. By all accounts, it was a fairly normal-looking metropolis, with the only thing of note aside from how unusually clean it was, and the fact there wasn’t a single homeless addict asking for change.

Blitzo’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, “Oh my God…it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”

“Blitzo…” She looked up at the Imp, her expression, and tone filled with concern, “What’s with the look?”

“It’s just…the best thing I’d ever fucking seen in my life! Fuck killing some whore. I’m going in here!”

“Blitzo!”

Blitzo quickly jumped into the portal. “Sorry honey, daddy’s gotta play with little horsies!”

Loona instinctively reached to grab her boss, just barely missing him in her clutches, “God damn it…” grumbled the Hellhound.

She’d quickly look around for something to write on, running over to the whiteboard before scribbling a message for Moxxie and Millie.

“Blitzo went into a weird portal, went to go get him- Loona.”

She’d dig her claws into her palms before taking a deep breath and stepping through the portal.

Being the Princess of the Night doesn’t exactly leave time for socialization. Her highness would rise with the moon and tuck herself into bed around the crack of dawn. Aside from a few holidays and her bat ponies, Luna didn’t really know her subjects that well.

All of that had changed when she returned from her exile. Equestria had changed since her thousand years of isolation. But, she was grateful that at least one place in Equestria always had some pony to talk to no matter what time of the day, Manehattan.

Luna had a personal suite that her sister had given her among the high rises with personalized servants and accommodations, of course. But she could’ve been given a small apartment in the slums, and she would’ve been satisfied. Being this close to her subjects like this brought her an amount of joy and satisfaction unparallel.

But something was missing, a scratch that couldn’t be reached with luxury or servitude. At first, she thought it was loneliness, which was true at first, but after making plenty of friends and acquaintances within the city itself from ponies of all trots of life. Luna realized that while friendship and comradery were good….she just needed somepony to love...

Who was she kidding? Dressing up her lust and hunger as some sort of romantic pursuit or noble cause. She just wanted somepony to fuck around with for a night. It’s not like she was going to have somepony for the night. Might as well be honest...

Luna sighed before walking through the suite’s living room, sliding the door to the balcony open before taking in the view of the city to clear her thoughts. But something was…different…was that smoke she smelt?

She looked around the city and saw the natural orangish hue of fire practically engulf the streets of downtown Manehattan as thick black smoke clouded the sky. Luna quickly dove off the balcony and spread her wings to take flight.

“Just let me fucking hold you!” whined Blitzo as he struggled against Loona’s chokehold, desperately trying to grab the fleeing and screaming ponies.

Loona tightened her grip around Blitzos neck, trying to subdue the Imp, “Jesus Christ, Blitzo; you managed to set half the street on fire, and you’ve only been here for ten minutes!”

Blitzo gagged, squirming wildly before jabbing his elbow into Loona’s stomach, forcing the Hellhound to drop him, “Sorry honey, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!” he'd narrow his eyes at an adorable looking filly fleeing the scene with her mother, gritting his teeth, "And I'm going to take it..."

Loona gripped her stomach as she looked down at her adoptive father with an expression of genuine concern and fear.

“Freeze!” shouted the police chief, hiding behind a wrecked vendor cart with some of his deputies, “Put your claws and paws in the air!”

Blitzo clasped his hands together as he fawned, “Awwww, look at the whittle stallion and his powice ponies!”

"Don't mock the MPD!" snapped the police chief, his eyes widening in fear, "Ma'am, put down the post box!"

Blitzo looked over at Loona, raising his brow, "Loonie what are you doing-"

Loona smashed the post box over Blitzo’s head. Leaving a massive dent in it and knocking Blitzo out before dropping the post box and slinging the Imp over her shoulder and fleeing the scene, darting into a nearby alley, “Sorry dad.”

“After them!” shouted the police chief.

Royal Intervention (SFW)

Loona darted down a narrow alleyway, a million thoughts racing in her mind’s eye. Where were they? Why did Blitzo like ponies so much? And why was there a fireworks stand in the middle of a packed urban center!?

She couldn’t focus on that now. She needed to find a place to get her and Blitzo to hide while the heat died down and to formulate a plan to get back home. For once, Loona hoped Moxxie and Millie were alright, they both knew of Blitzo’s… Blitzo-e-ness… and his tendency to say and do things before even considering the notion of thinking it out first.

She’d quickly cut around a corner before seeing a manhole, quickly rushing over to it before slipping Blitzo off her back, grabbing his legs and neck before using the Imp’s horns to pry the entrance to the sewer open.

Blitzo grumbled, squirming in the Hellhound’s paws as she attempted to use him as a living crowbar. Popping the iron lid like a wine cork before slinging Blitzo over her back and hopping down the manhole.

The police ponies following them quickly stopped setting the now open ponyhole and a whole new set of problems.

The police chief sighed, “... Horse apples, alright, somepony get me the water treatment ponies, and we’ll make a posse to follow them.”

“Do not bother.” a voice demanded attention.

Princess Luna seemed to glide down from the sky, her mane and tail blending in with her beautiful night. The expression on her face was stern, turning to gauge her citizens. Nopony seemed to be hurt, but she wouldn’t take that chance.

“Calm the citizens, treat any if they are injured. I will pursue these criminals.” Her voice was like steel, and any officers who dared to challenge her decision were quickly shut down by an icy glare. She did not give the ponies any other orders or even glance before she dropped inside.

Before quickly catching herself, avoiding the muck and excrement below, levitating herself for a brief moment before setting down on a small pathway, she was a princess dedicated to her ponies. Still, she didn’t want to be covered in their, quite literal, filth.

Keeping her horn lit, Luna carefully followed the path ahead.

The air was dense, thick, and humid from the water pipes that lined the walls, and the stench of waste lined the air like horrible perfume. It smelt like death, but at least there was one positive to all this filth and humidity.

It was wet…

There were paw prints that tracked through the sewer; fortunately for the creature, it was most likely just water from the pipes dripping into puddles. Or at least Luna hoped so.

It didn’t take much effort to track down the perpetrators, and it didn’t take much to hear them, either.

“What the fuck was that!?”

“Look, I got a little carried away.”

“A little– you terrorized a city and set it on fire!”

“It’s not my fucking fault there was a firework stand in the middle of a God damn city! I just wanted to hug some ponies! And… squeeze them! Brush their manes! And call them a good girl! Or boy.”

Luna covered her nose with her mane, trying to block out the horrid stench assaulting her nostrils, her eyes stinging as she approached the voices. It was a male and female, that much she could discern. She quickly doused the light of her horn, peeking around the corner to sneak a glimpse of the pair.

The Princess blinked, stared, and then blinked again. One of them, the taller one, seemed to be the female. The closest comparison she could give was a Diamond Dog, but this one was missing the mace-like tail meant for crushing rock and stone. There was something about this one, the way she held herself… Luna shook her head, dispersing those thoughts.

The other had the vague appearance of a dragon if one didn’t quite know what they looked like. It had horns and a tail but no wings in sight. Perhaps it was a teenager, but goodness, she pitied his appearance. She doubted he’d ever find a hatchmate.

Their conversation itself… was just odd. The red one just wanted to… pet ponies? And that started such a disaster? She couldn’t blame her ponies for running if that creature was chasing after them.

With a spark of her horn the alicorn casted a spell that shrouded herself in darkness. Before slowly approaching the pair, and remaining unseen.

Loona quickly smashed her paw over Blitzo’s maul, “Shut up.” the Hellhound sniffed at the air, “... Someone’s close by.”

Blitzo beamed brightly, clasping his hands together as the Imp happily pranced in place, “Oh boy, I hope it’s a cute pony wearing a police officer’s uniform. I want to take their little hat and watch them get upset.” grinned the Imp.

Loona rolled her eyes before shushing Blitzo, listening closely for the trotting of hooves as she sniffed the air, “Their close, REALLY close… I think it’s a trap.”

Blitzo raised a brow, “A trap? I’d be surprised; we just got here. Besides, we didn’t… cause that much damage…”

Loona glared at the Imp before turning her head toward Luna, staring directly at her as she sniffed, “The scent is over here.”

Blitzo wiggled his fingers greedily, “Oh, I just know one of those cuties is hiding…” he’d slowly reach into his breast pocket and pulled out a large carrot from out of nowhere. Even Loona was confused, did he carry carrots all the time for just this ocassion?

“Heeeeere pony pony pony,” whistled Blitzo, “Daddy Blitzo has a treat!” called the Imp.

“Would you be quiet! We’re being hunted here! What if it’s like the human world where they want to capture and experiment on us!?” snapped Loona.

“Capture, yes. Experiment? That’s not my field of expertise.”

The Princess of the Night blinked into existence before them, stopping them in their tracks. Her horn burned to life, illuminating the entire sewer system that they were currently standing in. With light that bright, any average equine would be stunned and momentarily blinded. Taking that opportunity, her magic wound around the pair, holding them in place.

Once she believed they were sufficiently restricted, the brightness lowered until it just lit the pathway they were on, and she began to speak.

“I am Luna, Princess of the Night. You have frightened and harassed my citizens, traumatized colts and fillies, and caused an untold amount of destruction.” Her voice was loud and clear, nearly echoing. “Why? How have you come to be here? And what are you?”

She could feel something, a sort of magic she had never sensed before. It was wild, unpredictable, and saccharine-sweet. A dark temptation, something she was familiar with. Whatever it was, it did not bode well.

The pair froze up like deer in headlights as they were locked in place. Blitzo dropped his carrot into the murky sludge that flowed next to them. The Imp let out a disappointed sigh.

“Yeah, Blitzo, WHY did we come here!?” snapped Loona, attempting to squirm against her magical binds.

Realization slowly crept into Blitzo’s expression as the Imp quickly resisted his binds, “Look, lady, we didn’t come here on purpose! We had a job to do in another world and my lovely daughter and secretary accidentally sent us here instead of where we were supposed to go.”

Loona strained, grunting, “I didn’t send us here, asshole. YOU jumped through the portal because you wanted to fuck around with these ponies!”

“I THINK PONIES ARE CUTE, OKAY? IS THAT FUCKING ILLEGAL NOW!?” shouted Blitzo, resisting Luna’s magic enough to turn his head to face Loona.

Blitzo sighed, “Look, you let us go, and I’ll call my co-workers to get us out of here. You won’t ever have to see us again.”

Loona rolled her eyes, already knowing the answer to THAT offer.

The Princess of the Night’s expression went from confused, to intrigued, to flabbergasted. The way the pair spoke to each other was extremely crass. She knew that most ponies didn’t go farther than ‘peeved.’

And then the offer to leave if they could contact their friends. It was a reasonable request on the surface, but if these two could cause that much damage in such a short time, she didn’t want to imagine what more of them could do.

“... I will consider it once you explain the damage you caused to the city above.” Luna glanced around, her nose wrinkling. “But… perhaps we should have this conversation elsewhere.”

The Princess’s horn burned brighter before the trio disappeared with a pop.

The three reappeared in Luna’s apartment, the Princess being careful to avoid any carpeted areas. Turning to the doors and windows, she sealed them tightly with a magical lock only her sister or Twilight Sparkle could possibly break. Finally, feeling comfortable that they would not escape, she released them from their binds.

“Now, speak.” ordered Luna.

The pair seemed disoriented from the sudden jolt of being magically sent to another part of the city and suddenly freed from Luna’s magical grasp. Blitzo appeared nauseous and a touch green.

Loona held her head, her ears resting on the sides of her skull, before looking around the new change in setting.

Once Blitzo got over his initial sickly feeling, the Imp whistled, admiring the apartment’s refined furnishing and dreamy interior. Taking note of the dark carpets, walls, and distinctively white furniture.

“Nice place, is this the penthouse, or do you just live like one of those Hollywood fuckboys?” the Imp sniffed.

Loona quickly shoved Blitzo aside, “Look, I’m as lost and confused as you and the rest of the city are. I blink, and there’s fireworks erupting throughout the city, half the street is on fire, and my…’ boss’ here is trying to mount and play with a bunch of talking ponies like he’s at a petting zoo.”

Blitzo sneered, brushing himself off as he adjusted his suit collar and tie, “It’s not my fault there was a fucking FIREWORK STAND in the middle of a CITY! All I did was…” he’d try to find the polite word for chase, “... Pursue some of ‘your’ ponies, as you put, to pet and play with. I didn’t know they were sentient.”

That last part was a lie. Blitzo wasn’t stupid; he could tell that these creatures were intelligent. He just didn’t know that attempting to ride or, rather, horse around would invoke the wrath of a magical Princess or cause this much terror and destruction.

Luna didn’t know what to say at first. The sheer madness of what happened and this conversation was laborious for her to keep track of. What was a ‘fuckboy’?

“Stop,” she held up a hoof, before rubbing at her forehead, “You said that you traveled here through a portal, correct? So you are not from Equestria?” Another portal to an alternate dimension, how great. Another one to add to the list…

“And your intention was… to play with my citizens like they were animals or toys?” She gave the dragon-like creature a critical glare, taking a step closer to him. She may not be as tall as her sister, but she towered over this creature. “Do you know how many lives you put at risk?”

Blitzo let a nervous grin creep across his face, slowly raising his hands up, “We don’t really think about that where we come from,” Blitzo said politely, gently pressing his index finger against Luna's muzzle as he pushed the mare back.

“We’re from Hell,” Loona said bluntly, crossing her arms as she blew a tuft of hair from her face.

“MICHIGAN!” shouted Blitzo, “Hell, Michigan!” he’d glared at Loona, gesturing her to shut up.

Loona rolled her eyes, giving the Imp the middle finger.

The Princess looked unimpressed, but the name ‘Hell’ gave her pause. It was another word for Tartarus, though very uncommon and not something that put her at ease. She knew these two weren’t prisoners of Tartarus. She had visited enough times to know that for certain.

“Regardless of your ignorance, it does not make you innocent of your crimes.” Luna glared down at the red one before turning to the dog-like creature, “You speak the truth. What are your intentions? Who are you?” She took this moment to look her up and down. Most diamond dogs didn’t wear clothing… “What are you?”

Loona raised a brow at Luna, smirking at the ‘truth’ bit, “That’s a first. Look, we’re not supposed to be here, but my dumbass of a boss thought it’d be a good idea to jump into a portal that was created by accident.”

Loona glanced over at Blitzo. The pair giving a subtle nod in agreement, looks like it was time for some half-truths and improvisation.

Loona yawned, “We’re from the underworld; we collect the souls of the dead for money. Our original intent was to collect a kill in another world.”

“We’re basically Death’s water boys. We do all the dirty work the boss doesn’t want to do.” chimed Blitzo, now sitting on Luna’s loveseat.

Luna raised a brow, glancing between the pair, unsure if they were telling the truth. It made sense, given the red one’s appearance. He did look more like a demon than any dragon. Levitating Blitzo off the chair, she quickly slid a newspaper under him, not wanting any stains on the furniture. She didn’t want to have to explain why her sofa smelt of raw sewage.

“Assuming you’re telling the truth, by what means do you need to return? And how can I trust that you will not return tenfold?” She kept her gaze level with the dog, as she seemed to be more intelligent than her supposed ‘boss.’

Blitzo rolled his eyes at Luna, snagging the newspaper from underneath him before reading it.

Loona seemed to catch onto Luna’s preference for her over Blitzo, deciding to capitalize on it, “We need to make a phone call, and if we don’t return, my fuckshit boss is going to have to explain to Sto– Death why he abused poooooowerful magicks and infiltrated a whole new world instead of just collecting the soul he was supposed to.”

Blitzo gave another subtle nod to Loona, “Right, and we’re not really interested in invading worlds. We’re really only interested in paying the bills here.” Blitzo gestured his hand upward to Loona, signaling the Hellhound to really sell it!

“Besides, we wouldn’t want to… disrespect,” she’d glare at Blitzo, “Your authority any more than we already had. After all, you are a Princess, right?”

Blitzo gestured up rapidly, signaling Loona to sell it more!

“The Princess Of The Night, if we’re not mistaken? I mean…” Loona would glance over to Blitzo, sighing, “It wouldn’t be a shock considering you are as beautiful as a night sky. Just… look at your mane.”

Blitzo smirked, hiding his face behind the paper. Hoping that Luna would take the bait. This would be as easy as bagging those horny fuckers during Springbreak.

Luna blinked, and despite herself, a tint of pink bloomed across her cheeks. It wasn’t something that she hadn’t heard of before, but as of recently, most ponies were too… intimidated by her to flirt or even give such compliments. And it wasn’t as if this creature was ugly, no, quite the opposite. Luna had always had a taste for… the exotic. She’d had the occasional tryst with a batpony or griffin. The relationship never lasted long, but she cherished each one.

Clearing her throat, the Princess cleared her thoughts. How improper! She was speaking to two criminals who had just harassed innocent civilians and set a block of Manehattan on fire. What was she thinking!?

Loona and Blitzo threw each other a look, smiling with their eyes. Blitzo made a scissoring gesture to Loona. The Hellhound fighting the urge to snap at the Imp, she still wasn’t sure if this Mistress of The Night wasn’t some sort of closeted pervert.

“Ah… thank you, that’s very kind of you. But I’m afraid, even if your story is truthful, we do not have what you call a ‘phone.’” The Princess did her best to move past the compliment, hoping neither of them noticed her reaction. “I do hope there is another way for you to return home? Perhaps there are friends that could rescue you?”

The pair groaned at the realization there was no way to call home, “Good fucking work Blitzo, you went into a world with no fucking cellphone service!” barked Loona.

Blitzo crossed his arms, “Hey! Let’s not point fingers here! YOU forgot to take the book with you!”

Loona raised her paw up to retort, “I– well!” she’d fume, “You shouldn’t have jumped into a portal when you didn’t know where it would go!”

Blitzo let out a long sigh, realizing they were going to need some serious magic, quickly hopping off the couch before approaching the Hellhound, “Excuse us for just a second.”

He’d quickly pull Loona down as they huddled together, “Look, the only way back is contacting Stolas, and the only way to do that without a phone is to use a summoning ritual, and we don’t have that kind of magic, or know-how. Now it’s fairly obvious that Moonpie over there has the hots for you. Just butter her up and convince her to do the ritual.”

Loona pressed her paw to her face exhaling through her nose, “... You owe me BIG TIME.”

Blitzo sighed, “Look, I’m already going to have to pretend to be a dumbass and give you the spotlight. Isn’t that enough for you?”

Loona mused, smugly smirking at her ‘father’, “You’re already a dumbass, Blitzo. That shouldn’t be too hard.”

Blitzo rolled his eyes, giving Loona a gentle smile, “If she gives you trouble or doesn’t follow stripper rules, then you know what to do….”

The pair quickly broke off from one another before dusting themselves off, “Well, then I’m afraid we’re going to be stuck here for a little while.” sighed Blitzo.

Loona crossed her arms, peering down at the Imp, “Way to go, Blitzo. Now I have to clean up your mess, per usual! Whatever, I don’t get paid enough for this shit.”

Blitzo adjusted his posture, snapping up toward Loona, “I don’t pay you to run your mouth Loona! Now shut it!”

The two quickly erupted into an ‘argument,’ bickering and fuming over relatively minor slights in light of recent events.

“You don’t wash your dishes!”

“Well, you keep using my shampoo, asshole!”

“We all know why you use it, Loona. You just want to smell nice to get the attention of some fuckshit so you can get your back blown out!” snarled Blitzo, giving Loona an apologetic look for a brief moment before masking it with ‘outrage.’

“Well, maybe if you spent more time actually trying to keep appearances, you would have a relationship that didn’t blow up in your face every time!” hissed Loona.

Blitzo winced at that one, “Oh! … Ooooh….” he’d cross his arms, appearing a little distraught after that insult.

Luna didn’t particularly know what was going on, but she didn’t want a fight to break out in her apartment, especially with the damage these two were capable of. Her ears flattened to her skull, recognizing the low blow the canine had struck him with.

“Now, there’s no need to bicker,” she held up a hoof, stepping between the pair, “You may stay with me for as long as you wish. I imagine that your friends will be attempting to contact you soon. I will have my guards monitoring the area of your initial portal in case they arrive.”

Luna quickly grabbed a roll of parchment from a nearby desk, writing out her orders before making it disappear in a flash of light, “There. Now, as for your residency here… you are technically under house arrest, as you are still technically criminals. And considering what damage you’ve done… I’m being quite generous. But my generosity may wane if any of my ponies are injured.” Her expression swiftly turned cold.

“Now, you said your names were… what was it, Blitzo and…?” She hadn’t quite caught the canine’s, distracted by their squabbling.

Blitzo quickly snapped out of his depressive funk, “Oh, right! I’m Blitzo, the ‘o’ is silent, and this is my lovely daughter Loona.”

Loona cleared her throat, trying to appear as cordial as possible. The way she saw it, she was deep in enemy territory and needed to keep appearances. Not to mention ass kiss if she and Blitzo wanted a way out of here, “I wouldn’t worry about it, Blitzo is a lot of things, but he would never ever hurt your innocent ponies. Not on purpose, at least.”

Blitzo nodded, trying to appear as innocent as an Imp could, “It’s true! … Although I think one of them gave me their address after I rode them for a bit….”

Loona opened her mouth to speak, deciding not to ruin his innocence. It was becoming fairly apparent that despite their appearance, these ponies had desires and temptations that weren’t nearly as innocent looking as their physical appearance.

There was a brief moment of awkward silence.

Blitzo cleared his throat, “I’m uh… going to use the bathroom…” he gestured to Loona to sell it one last time before walking off to find the restroom.

Loona sighed before turning her attention to Luna, her natural expression or resting face was better known by most residents of Hell as, ‘resting bitch face.’ The Hellhound knew this and decided to soften her expression when looking at Luna, hoping the more subtle change would draw the alicorn’s attention.

Eyes trailing after the Imp, Luna glanced back and locked eyes with the canid, briefly hypnotized by their strangeness. The red sclera and white irises were something she had never seen before on any creature; the closest she could think of was Discord.

Blinking, the Princess shook her head, realizing she had been staring for a long, more than socially acceptable time. She coughed, wishing she had Twilight Sparkle here. She would know what to do. Luna was still… relearning the skill that was friendship.

“Loona, you said? How odd, my name is Luna.” The equine chuckled, trying not to let the awkward silence get any worse. “Although, you probably already know that… My parents were actually going to name me Selena….” Why was she telling her this?

Clearing her throat, she shifted gears, “I wanted to say, if there is any way I can help you two get home safely, please just ask. If this truly was an accident, and none of the citizens were harmed, I do not see the harm in letting you go.”

Loona smirked a bit, flaunting her body as she accentuated her more desirable traits. Slowly raising her arms up, she made her hair rest on her shoulders, giving Luna a complete look at her face. She made a note to look at the equine deeply with her wild and untamed eyes, almost tempting her.

She mused, “Really? That’s… awfully sweet of you…” she fought the urge to gag. Being nice like this was taxing, “Where I come from, we live by the mantra of ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’”

“I have heard of such a saying....” Luna was really, really trying her best not to ogle the creature before her. Never had she seen someone so overtly flaunting their looks. It was as if she were doing it intentionally…

Was she being dense? Was she actually flirting with her? Luna blinked, her face growing red again before quickly pushing the thought away.

Even if this criminal was very attractive, she was still a criminal. She couldn’t start swooning for someone who caused such destruction!

“Well… it seems only reasonable, considering my magic is powerful enough to keep anyone save my sister from breaking in or out. You cannot leave, but it is more comfortable than a jail cell, yes?”

Loona grit her teeth; she was so close she just needed an out– sister? Sister, that’s it!

The Hellhound slowly and sensually walked over to the couch, making an effort to sit in front of Luna, resting one leg over the other as she peered toward the Princess,

“Sister, huh? Is she as pretty as you?” She slowly uncrossed her legs as she maintained eye contact with the equine.

She was going to need to throw up when she got home by the time she got through with all of this.

Luna blinked, unsure of if she should be insulted or not. If she had been asked that a thousand years ago… the situation probably wouldn’t have ended so well. Today, however, her ego wasn’t so fragile and petty.

“My sister is beautiful, of course. As the Princess of the Sun, she’s considered the peak of beauty to most of Equestria.” Her voice was without venom, for it was true. Thankfully, and somewhat regrettably, Luna had her own admirers.

After speaking, it seemed Luna had just processed the compliment, her face burning as her eyes went up and down Loona's frame. So she was coming on to her, but why so suddenly? Had she really given away her attraction to Loona so easily? Her face burned even more.

“I, um… I apologize if I have… looked inappropriately upon you. It was not my intention to….” She didn’t know what to say, defaulting to her more ‘proper’ way of speaking. Whenever she wanted a bedmate, she simply asked. Very, very rarely did anyone come on to her.

“I’m not saying you’re ugly, however! I think you are quite beautiful; your eyes are….” Luna quickly realized what she said may have been insulting, quickly making up for it, “... Captivating.”

Loona laughed; what a sap. At least she had some semblance of etiquette and class. Unlike the Demon Lords who ruled the rings of Hell and a majority of humans she encountered. Though, considering her line of work and where she lived, it was unlikely she’d ever encounter anyone truly innocent or naive. Let alone decent or polite.

“Really? You think I’m pretty, huh?” the Hellhound slowly gestured for the Princess to come forward with her claw, “If you like the way I look so much, why don’t you get a closer look.”

She was no Verosika Mayday or succubus, but she thought she had some decent pull. It was fairly evident from Luna’s uptight and formal exterior and reactions to Loona’s pursuits that the Princess was desperate for someone, anyone, to treat her like an equal or at least be bold enough to flirt.

And it was working, Luna’s eyes went wide, and it seemed that she was considering her offer. The Hellhound could feel her hesitation and her desire. It was as obvious as the blush creeping across her face.

Slowly, she came to sit beside her on the loveseat, her horseshoes slipping off in the process. She absentmindedly removed her regalia as well. The less she had to wear it, the better.

“You… are you propositioning me?” Luna couldn’t but just come out and say it. She could be incredibly dense sometimes, and right now was one of them. She couldn’t help but feel like this was some sort of prank or joke, expecting someone to lean out and say ‘surprise’!

Loona looked at the Princess, her brow shifting, ‘propositioning?’ Like marriage? What a sap! The Hellhound snorted, “I don’t see a ring around here, do I?” she’d stuff her paw through her raggy crop top as she felt her breasts for a ring.

The royal’s face colored once more, “No, no I mean….” Oh goodness, how was she supposed to put this? Her eyes began to trail down, following her paw. Was it her intent to torture her? “I-I meant in the… inappropriate manner.”

This wasn’t happening; she couldn’t allow herself to be lured into… whatever this was. And whatever it was, it was very intentional. And quite effective.

The Hellhound paused, trying to figure out what this prissy Princess was saying. How in the world was marriage inappropriate? In what world? Then again, she wasn’t exactly in HER world or a place that was familiar to her in the slightest.

Loona turned to the alicorn, “You mean… fucking? I don’t really get what you mean.” she shrugged.

Luna nearly jumped. No subject of hers would have ever spoken so crudely in her presence, never mind directly to her face. There was something charming about that… the direct approach was refreshing.

Clearing her throat, she did her best to not be quite as flustered as before, “Ahem, yes… that’s what I meant. I apologize. I am not used to speaking so frankly. I have to keep my appearances up, as it were.”

Luna’s horn burned to life, levitating the tiara off her head before setting it down nearby. It was nice to finally get the weight off it off her skull. She let out a long sigh, trailing a hoof through her mane. It was rather hypnotizing how her hoof passed through somewhere between hair and smoke.

Shit, this was getting too hot, and not in a sensual way, either. Loona needed to weigh her options here. If she did fuck her, maybe they could get home faster. On the other hand, what if this proper and punctual exterior was just a facade?

It wasn’t like Loona could ask Blitzo for advice either. She knew that he was most likely nearby listening in on their conversation. Likely as unsure as she was. But there was a nagging feeling inside the Hellhound. What if Luna wasn’t like anybody she had ever known?

“Well…if it’s any consolation, no one has really talked to me like you do. It’s…” Loona couldn’t help but watch Luna’s ethereal mane ripple like water. She may not have been her usual type, but even she had to admit the Princess was regal and statuesque.

“You sound like you don’t get out often,” Loona said bluntly, “Or uh… y’know, see people.”

Luna looked up and noticed her companion watching, a small, sly smile coming to her lips. At least her attraction to the Hellhound might be reciprocated.

“That is true….” The Princess trailed off, “It has been a long time since I’ve had a serious partner. I’ve had a few affairs here and there, but not in a while. Truthfully, I am… not the best regarding matters of the heart.”

“And yes, it’s true… I don’t go out much.” She chuckled before looking up at Loona. “But, I might dare I say, and I hope it’s appropriate… you’re very attractive.” It was a very simple compliment, but direct.

Loona’s ears flicked at the word attractive, her face burning a crimson color that matched her eyes, “Uh… thanks….” Why was that, of all things, the one thing to make her melt?

“... If it makes you feel better, I don’t get around much either. At least you have something from time to time… it’s been bone dry over here.” she sighed, her mind trailing off as she thought of Vortex.

Luna gave her a soft look before chuckling, “To be frank, I have not had a serious relationship in a thousand years… it’s… a long story that I shouldn’t particularly bother you with….” she regretted bringing it up instantly, “But I am sorry you have felt lonely, I know how that feels, intimately.”

The urge to ask Loona to share her bed chambers came into mind, but it was a thought she had to stamp out quickly. She had just met this creature, and they were a criminal and from another dimension. She couldn’t simply sleep around with whoever she wanted, especially someone like that!

But that shared feeling made her heart melt and just looking at the Hellhound, she knew she never wanted to see her feel that same kind of hurt.

“I… wouldn’t mind spending more time with you, given we have the time.” Luna slowly offered, gently testing the waters.

Loona took a deep, long breath before sighing and rubbing her temple. A cocktail of emotions simmered inside her, burning in her chest like a bad case of heartburn. On the one hand, she hadn’t expected to share any sort of connection with Luna. Only seeing her as some privileged upper-class asshole like many of the Demon Lords she had heard of.

Blitzo and Stolas came to mind in particular, and how complicated their relationship was. But unlike those two and the dozens of other demons in Hell, she and Luna felt… equal. In fact, the desire for equality wasn’t founded in some sort of fetish or kink. The idea of fornicating with someone lesser than your status is a common fetish among many of Hell’s elites.

“... Yeah, we could give it a try,” she said finally.

Luna looked up, clearly not expecting such an answer. Several emotions fought for control before a nervous giddiness took over. She smiled before sitting up and laying a hoof on the Hellhound’s thigh.

“Just let me know when and where….” The Princess gave her a teasing grin, “Even in your dreams.”

Loona’s eyes rested on the mare’s hoof, her posture and breath stiffened, “Dreams…?”

“Let’s just say… It’s a special talent of mine.”